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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly

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Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small

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Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions

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Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Hart and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or

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Speaker 1: to find a therapist, visit our website at Therapy for

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Speaker 1: Black Girls dot com. And while I hope you love

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Speaker 1: listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not

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Speaker 1: meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a

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Speaker 1: licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for

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Speaker 1: joining me for session ninety nine of the Therapy for

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Speaker 1: Black Girls Podcast. I want to first give a huge

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Speaker 1: thank you to Miss Kim Reath and everyone is Davia

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Speaker 1: University of Louisiana, which is of course my alma mata,

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Speaker 1: for have of me back on campus this past weekend

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Speaker 1: to talk with the young women on campus about prioritizing

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Speaker 1: their mental health. It was an amazing conversation and next

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Speaker 1: week on March I'll be at Ohio State University speaking

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Speaker 1: about mental health disparities as a part of their African

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Speaker 1: American Heritage Festival. So if you're in the area, please

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Speaker 1: come out and join us for that. It's free and

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Speaker 1: open to the public. So I feel like I owe

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Speaker 1: y'all a bit of an apology because in ninety nine

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Speaker 1: episodes of the podcast, I haven't really gone into work

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Speaker 1: that I do as a specialty, which is helping women

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Speaker 1: recover from breakups. I've talked to about it a little

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Speaker 1: here and there, and I've definitely shared some great information

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Speaker 1: when I've been interviewed for other podcasts, but I have

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Speaker 1: not done a specific episode for you guys here. So

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Speaker 1: that's what we will be talking about today. In all

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Speaker 1: of my work, I found that there are some things

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Speaker 1: that can help you to take care of yourself after

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Speaker 1: a breakup. Now, I don't want you to see this

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Speaker 1: as some kind of a magic potion or magic peel,

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Speaker 1: because the truth is that breakup suck big time. They're

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Speaker 1: incredibly painful and sometimes messy, and the only way to

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Speaker 1: really get over the pain is to go through it.

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Speaker 1: But I do think that these five tips can help

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Speaker 1: you out. So Tip number one for taking care of

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Speaker 1: yourself after a breakup is to get a reporter. The

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Speaker 1: reporter can be a close friend or a loved one

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Speaker 1: who will be responsible for sharing the news about the

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Speaker 1: breakup with the people that you choose. Sometimes after a breakup,

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Speaker 1: it can feel incredibly overwhelming to have to continuously repeat

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Speaker 1: the story over and over again to different people and

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Speaker 1: to try to manage their reactions. So having a reporter

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Speaker 1: to do this can be really helpful. The reporter can

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Speaker 1: also tell people how much or little contact you want,

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Speaker 1: and whether you feel like answering any questions about the

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Speaker 1: breakup at all. This person helps you to set boundaries

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Speaker 1: around the breakup so that you can have some space

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Speaker 1: to really do the work of grieving. So that's tip

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Speaker 1: number one is to get yourself a reporter. Tip number

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Speaker 1: two is to show yourself some grace and allow yourself

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Speaker 1: the space to really grieve. So this will likely not

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Speaker 1: be the best semester of school or the best quarter

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Speaker 1: of business that you'll have, and that's okay. The loss

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Speaker 1: of a significant relationship is tough, and there will be

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Speaker 1: days when you feel like you're doing okay and then

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Speaker 1: other days when you don't even want to leave the bed,

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Speaker 1: So make sure that you are kind and patient with yourself.

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Speaker 1: Tip number three, use your support system. Good friends who

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Speaker 1: really step up after a breakup are great. You may

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Speaker 1: want to do hours and hours of processing about what

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Speaker 1: happened at first, so you want to find someone who

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Speaker 1: can sit with you through this. If you don't have

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Speaker 1: a friend who can do this, this may be a

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Speaker 1: good time to consider therapy, as your therapist will help

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Speaker 1: you to way through the feelings that you're experiencing and

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Speaker 1: help you to develop skills to manage them and figure

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Speaker 1: out your next steps. The most important thing about your

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Speaker 1: support system is that they actually support you. If they're

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Speaker 1: telling you that there's a time limit on how long

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Speaker 1: you get to be sad about the breakup, or if

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Speaker 1: they're encouraging you to get back out there and date

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Speaker 1: again before you're really ready, they may not be the

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Speaker 1: best people for this situation. Oftentimes, our friends and family

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Speaker 1: members can't tolerate seeing us hurt and they just want

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Speaker 1: to make it better, so they say things like you're

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Speaker 1: better off without them, or think of all the new

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Speaker 1: people you'll get to meet now. But that's the last

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Speaker 1: thing that you want to hear after a breakup, and

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Speaker 1: it's really just not helpful. So if your support system

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Speaker 1: can't refrain from this kind of thing, then the therapist

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Speaker 1: may be a good option for getting some of that

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Speaker 1: support tip number four, because you want to disrupt your patterns.

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Speaker 1: Much of what called us pain after a breakup is

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Speaker 1: losing the routine we had with our exes. We're used

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Speaker 1: to getting a call from them every day at lunch,

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Speaker 1: or spending Sunday nights with them watching Game of Thrones,

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Speaker 1: or taking walks around the park on Tuesday evenings. All

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Speaker 1: of it is incredibly familiar. Pattern disruption is designed to

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Speaker 1: shake up your routine so that you begin to establish

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Speaker 1: a new normal if it's possible, maybe you want to

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Speaker 1: move in with a friend for like a week, or

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Speaker 1: you want to invite a friend to stay over with

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Speaker 1: you for a while, or maybe even you want to

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Speaker 1: take a trip out of town for a few days.

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Speaker 1: Anything you can do to shake up the routine that

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Speaker 1: you had with your ex is what we're looking for here.

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Speaker 1: And then tip number five is to disconnect from them

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Speaker 1: on social media. I know, y'all, I know this is

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Speaker 1: the part that no one ever really wants to do,

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Speaker 1: but it really is so important. When you're spending a

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Speaker 1: significant amount of time looking at your excess social media pages,

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Speaker 1: you're doing a couple of things. One, you're very likely

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Speaker 1: constructing a narrative that is both false and fantastical. For example,

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Speaker 1: let's say you see your ex posting pictures on i

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Speaker 1: G Of a night out with friends. This might lead

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Speaker 1: you down the path of thinking, see, they're out partying already,

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Speaker 1: they never cared about me, they're outliving their best life.

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Speaker 1: They probably never even loved me. All of that was

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Speaker 1: a lie. You see where this is at. It Now

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Speaker 1: you spend a great deal of energy playing the what

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Speaker 1: if game and only making yourself feel worse. And two,

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Speaker 1: you're setting yourself up for a very hearty case of

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Speaker 1: anticipatory anxiety. A large part of why we spend so

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Speaker 1: much time scoping out our excess social media after a

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Speaker 1: breakup is because we're trying to gauge how important we

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Speaker 1: were to them by how quickly it looks that they've

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Speaker 1: moved on. So first, I want to caution you that

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Speaker 1: the significance of your relationship can't really be gauged by

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Speaker 1: what is and isn't shared on social media. But the

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Speaker 1: reality of the situation is that one day your ex

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Speaker 1: will move on and so will you, even though it

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Speaker 1: may not feel like that right now, but every time

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Speaker 1: you check their page, you're likely holding your breath embracing

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Speaker 1: yourself for impact, stressed out about when someone knew will

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Speaker 1: pop up on their page, or you're searching through their

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Speaker 1: comments trying to see if someone is being flirtatious. But

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Speaker 1: you know what, one day this will happen. I guarantee

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Speaker 1: you that it will. And then what happens next? What

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Speaker 1: does it mean that they may be dating someone new?

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Speaker 1: It probably doesn't mean anything about you, And that's the

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Speaker 1: whole point. None of your excess social media behavior following

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Speaker 1: the breakup may have anything to do with you. But

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Speaker 1: the more time you've been looking, the less time you're

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Speaker 1: spending actually focusing on yourself in dealing with the very

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Speaker 1: real feelings of laws and sadness and whatever else you're feeling.

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Speaker 1: And I know it's not easy, y'all. So if you

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Speaker 1: can't completely cut yourself off from checking out their social media,

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Speaker 1: at least try to do it less frequently until eventually

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Speaker 1: it's just not something you're concerned about anymore. So, just

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Speaker 1: as a recap, the five tips for taking care of

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Speaker 1: yourself after a breakup. Number one, you want to get

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Speaker 1: a reporter to show yourself some grace and allow yourself

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Speaker 1: the space to grieve. Three, use your support system, four

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Speaker 1: disrupt your patterns, and five disconnect from them on social media.

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Speaker 1: So what kinds of things have been helpful to you

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Speaker 1: in taking care of yourself after a breakup? Please share

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Speaker 1: it with us on social media using the hashtag tb

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Speaker 1: G in session. And if you have had a recent

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Speaker 1: breakup or you're still struggling to make sense of your

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Speaker 1: life after a breakup, be shure to grab our guided

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Speaker 1: breakup journal that walks you through some very pointed questions

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Speaker 1: to help you develop the clarity you need to really

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Speaker 1: heal after a breakup. You can find that in our

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Speaker 1: online store at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash shop,

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Speaker 1: and I'll also link it in the show notes so

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Speaker 1: that you can find it pretty easily. Remember that if

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Speaker 1: you're searching for a therapist in your area, check out

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Speaker 1: our directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory.

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Speaker 1: And if you want to continue discussing this episode with

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Speaker 1: other sisters who listen to the podcast, come on over

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Speaker 1: and join us in the Thrive tribe at Therapy for

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Speaker 1: Black Girls dot com slash five. Be sure to answer

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Speaker 1: the three questions that are asked to gain injury. Thank

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Speaker 1: y'all so much for joining me again this week. I

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Speaker 1: look forward to continue in this conversation with you all.

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Speaker 1: Real soon take it can