Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. This is a great night
Speaker 1: for us.
Speaker 2: We're always excited on the show to find new talented
Speaker 2: voices that can contribute to our program. So we are
Speaker 2: very pleased to welcome our newest contributor from South Africa,
Speaker 2: mister Trevor.
Speaker 3: Noah Trevor, thanks for joining us.
Speaker 1: Nice sleep weapon, Sorry I can, I'm like, how are you?
Speaker 2: We're really delighted that you're going to be joining us
Speaker 2: on I know that you flew in I guess yesterday
Speaker 2: from South Amo.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 5: I just flew in and boy, oh my arms tied.
Speaker 2: Okay, all right there, oldie, but a goodie, very nice.
Speaker 6: No, no, no, seriously, I've been holding my arms like
Speaker 6: this since I got here.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 6: I never thought I'd be more afraid of police in
Speaker 6: America than in South Africa. It's kind of makes me
Speaker 6: a little nostalgic for the old days back home.
Speaker 1: That's just come on.
Speaker 2: Are you saying black people in South Africa today don't
Speaker 2: get assaulted and killed by police?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 5: No, no, no, I mean they do.
Speaker 6: But since the pots I'd ended, they're now also being
Speaker 6: killed by black police.
Speaker 5: Progress. Well that's.
Speaker 1: That's listen, baby steps, But you're you're relaxed. Now, you're
Speaker 1: not nervous. You feel good, You're I'm.
Speaker 5: Still a bit nervous, to be honest.
Speaker 6: Between your cops and Frankly, Yo Ebola.
Speaker 2: Your Ebola, My friends not are believe me, he misspoke.
Speaker 2: You are from Africa, Jerry Bola, my friend.
Speaker 5: No, no, no, no, South Africa. John.
Speaker 6: We haven't had a single case over eighteen years.
Speaker 5: In fact, my friends warned me. They were like, Trevor,
Speaker 5: don't go, don't go to the US. You'll catch you Bola.
Speaker 6: And I was like, you know what, guys, just because
Speaker 6: they had a few cases of Ibola doesn't mean we
Speaker 6: should cut off travel there.
Speaker 5: That would be ignorant, right.
Speaker 1: Now, that would be ignorant, you know.
Speaker 2: I guess we tend to forget that South Africa, you know,
Speaker 2: isn't you know, right next door to to Liberia, right.
Speaker 5: Four thousand miles away?
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what right?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was calculating in kilometers.
Speaker 5: I'm sure you were, John. Thanks.
Speaker 6: I know you know what, to a lot of Americans,
Speaker 6: Africa is just one giant village full of aids, huts
Speaker 6: and starving children who you can say, for just five
Speaker 6: cents a day. But there's a whole other side of
Speaker 6: Africa you never get to see.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you get that video of the lions who chased
Speaker 2: that buffalo and then the crocodile comes up and he
Speaker 2: grabs it, you.
Speaker 5: Know, yeah, yeah, there he is, and then the buffalo
Speaker 5: gets to it.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 5: That's a good one. Yeah, that's not what I'm talking
Speaker 5: about me neither. John. Let's you know what, Let's play
Speaker 5: a little game. It's called Spot the Africa.
Speaker 1: This doesn't involve me identifying anything on a map.
Speaker 5: Right, No, No, I wouldn't do that to you.
Speaker 1: Thank you.
Speaker 6: Just tell me which of these pictures were taken in
Speaker 6: America and which one is from Africa.
Speaker 2: Okay, I got this. The beautiful highway there on the
Speaker 2: right there probably Silicon Valley. It's probably heading off to
Speaker 2: the Twitter there. The one on the left clearly been
Speaker 2: shelled by rebels. I'm gonna go with Somalia maybe.
Speaker 6: And actually the road on the rights is a super
Speaker 6: highway in Central Africa. The folks are on the left.
Speaker 6: I took that from my cab on the way here
Speaker 6: from the air ports. Yeah, that's the FDR.
Speaker 2: Try again, try all right, Okay, this one's easy. On
Speaker 2: the left there that's the Success Academy in Harlem on
Speaker 2: the right. There, we gotta gonna go homeless kids. I'm
Speaker 2: gonna go with in Somalia again. I think that's that's
Speaker 2: my go to reference Somalia.
Speaker 6: I'm sorry, John, The answer I was looking for was
Speaker 6: classroom in Kenya on the left and children in Detroit
Speaker 6: on the right.
Speaker 5: Last one.
Speaker 1: I hate the same game all right now, I get that.
Speaker 1: I get how this works now.
Speaker 2: The one on the right there, that's that's Detroit, right okay,
Speaker 2: and then uh.
Speaker 6: Well, actually that's that's a slum in Johannesburg. Some places
Speaker 6: in Africa are still all right.
Speaker 1: I get your point though, Trevor. But but you're not
Speaker 1: saying that things in.
Speaker 2: Africa, uh are, are better than they are in America,
Speaker 2: are you?
Speaker 5: No? No, no, I'm not saying that's you guys are
Speaker 5: saying that's.
Speaker 7: The United States right now, incarc rates more African Americans
Speaker 7: as a percentage than aparth height South Africa. The race
Speaker 7: gap and wealth in the United States now right now
Speaker 7: between the average median white family and the median black
Speaker 7: family is eighteen fold. That's greater than the black white
Speaker 7: wealth gap was in apartheid South Africa.
Speaker 5: Oh my god, here's the amazing part.
Speaker 6: For South Africa to achieve that kind of black white
Speaker 6: wealth gap, we had to construct an entire apartheid state,
Speaker 6: denying blacks the right to vote or own property.
Speaker 5: But you you did it without even trying.
Speaker 6: We trained for decades and you just waltzed in and
Speaker 6: won the gold medal.
Speaker 1: Well, that's blundering into things, is how we rolled.
Speaker 5: Well, at least we're getting better. We started from the
Speaker 5: bottom and now we're here.
Speaker 4: Oh.
Speaker 1: A little bit of Drizzy, a little bit of Drake
Speaker 1: right there, a little bit.
Speaker 5: Of never heard of her? All right.
Speaker 6: I've gotta be honest, John, Africa's worried about you, guys.
Speaker 6: You know what African mothers tell their children every day,
Speaker 6: Be grateful for what you have, because there are fat
Speaker 6: children stufving in Mississippi. In fact, we're so worried that
Speaker 6: me and some of my friends and so wet so
Speaker 6: got together and I told them, I said, guys, for
Speaker 6: just a few few pennies a day, you can help
Speaker 6: an American.
Speaker 1: That's very kind, Trevor.
Speaker 6: I'm now they're expecting something from you in return. They're
Speaker 6: expecting at least a letter month.
Speaker 1: No, I know, I know how that goes. I know
Speaker 1: how you have.
Speaker 5: If you want, you know what, you can just draw
Speaker 5: a picture.
Speaker 1: That's nice.
Speaker 5: And you know what, we wrote a song for you
Speaker 5: as well, all right, something like this feed America. Let
Speaker 5: them know Christmas.
Speaker 6: Wait, all right, Erica, everybody now, let them know.
Speaker 3: It's Christmas time, man Trevor. Know everybody, It's Thursday, which
Speaker 3: means it's time once again for our weekly chess news roundup.
Speaker 1: I thought you guys liked that anyway.
Speaker 2: This week in chess, America is making a concerted effort
Speaker 2: to buy top foreign chess players in an attempt to
Speaker 2: win next year's Chess Olympia gold medal for the first
Speaker 2: time in decades. That's right, the United States is buying
Speaker 2: up nerds, NERD mercenaries, NERD scenaries for more. We welcome
Speaker 2: back our senior international correspondent, mister Trevor Noah, Trevor.
Speaker 1: Pleasure, thank you, very delighted.
Speaker 7: To have you here.
Speaker 5: Thank you very much, John.
Speaker 6: It's an absolute pleasure to be back here to talk
Speaker 6: about chess. The game of kings, smart checkers, black and white,
Speaker 6: horsey squaze. The history of chess stretches back centuries so, oh,
Speaker 6: come on.
Speaker 1: John, John, I'm sorry, I'm on, I'm sorry.
Speaker 5: I just wow.
Speaker 1: Oh, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2: I didn't realize how boring chess was until someone else
Speaker 2: started talking about it.
Speaker 5: All right, look.
Speaker 6: I mean, if Americans are so bored by chess, then
Speaker 6: why are you stealing everyone else's players.
Speaker 1: We'd like to win. We would like to win. I mean,
Speaker 1: let's raise fact.
Speaker 2: We could patiently build a homegrown chess team through years
Speaker 2: of hard work. But years of hard work, we'd rather
Speaker 2: just buy him.
Speaker 6: You know what, John, does America really need to be
Speaker 6: the best at everything? I mean, you already dominate the
Speaker 6: world in economics, military power, obesency.
Speaker 1: Well, you're very kind. We have the most Dakotas.
Speaker 5: You've got so many Dakotas. Yes, what is it?
Speaker 6: North, North, South, South, Fanning Johnson, need some Dakota for the.
Speaker 8: Rest of us.
Speaker 2: It is not like America has not had chess grades
Speaker 2: of its own. You had a what was that movie,
Speaker 2: Bobby Fisher?
Speaker 5: But that was what forty years ago?
Speaker 1: No, I just ranted it. It was a deep blue
Speaker 1: IBM chess computer.
Speaker 5: I'm pretty sure the pots came from China.
Speaker 1: All right, Trevor, what if we don't buy players. What
Speaker 1: if we don't buy them? It's just free market?
Speaker 5: This not works, No, John, it's not. This is a
Speaker 5: sports kind of right.
Speaker 6: This is not meant to be an economic transaction like
Speaker 6: buying a loaf of bread or seats in congress. America
Speaker 6: is supposed to be all about earning victory. Do you
Speaker 6: remember that movie where a guy from Philadelphia punched the
Speaker 6: Russian so hard it.
Speaker 5: Ended the Cold War?
Speaker 6: What if instead of training Rocky to fight Ivan Drago,
Speaker 6: America just hired Ivan Drogo.
Speaker 5: It's a way worse movie.
Speaker 1: That would be a totally awesome movie.
Speaker 2: Fish out of water, communist in a capitalist country. But
Speaker 2: he learns how to love America and teaches his landlord
Speaker 2: how to make borsh like it's such a good movie.
Speaker 5: Would it would be a good movie? Get the cub.
Speaker 1: Would I would like to go to.
Speaker 5: I love it?
Speaker 6: But you know what, John, I don't even think that
Speaker 6: this is about chess.
Speaker 5: This is about Russia.
Speaker 6: Because what's the only thing Russians love more than full
Speaker 6: their own car accidents, land grabs, no.
Speaker 5: Chess. They have more world champions than any other country.
Speaker 1: Who's their current champion?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 5: Well?
Speaker 6: Officially putin I mean, come on, we all remember that
Speaker 6: famous photo O.
Speaker 1: You know what's where I always thought he was on
Speaker 1: a real horse. You don't look because you just see
Speaker 1: the nipples.
Speaker 5: You don't realize that's true. But here's my point.
Speaker 6: America has been trying to get back at Russia for
Speaker 6: stealing Crimea, you know, warring with the Ukraine supporting Asade.
Speaker 6: You've tried everything, sanctions, diplomacy, passive, aggressive subtweets.
Speaker 5: Nothing's worked.
Speaker 6: So now you're trying to take Russia's place as the
Speaker 6: world's chess superpower because you know that would really hurt
Speaker 6: them where it hurts, right in the ponds.
Speaker 5: They're just so mean.
Speaker 1: I just hate them so much.
Speaker 6: Yeah, but I understand, John, But if you really want
Speaker 6: to beat them, yes, you need to do it the
Speaker 6: old fashioned way.
Speaker 5: You need to earn it. And you know what, I'm
Speaker 5: going to give you a.
Speaker 6: Chance to make this whole think rights through the ancient
Speaker 6: battle of black versus White.
Speaker 1: Enough with the Ferguson we already talked about.
Speaker 6: No, No, John, John, I mean what through the magic
Speaker 6: of chess.
Speaker 2: Wow, all right, I know I know how to play
Speaker 2: the traditional cutting of the wires.
Speaker 1: I thought they'd go away but they don't.
Speaker 2: It's oh there, it goes all right, very nice, all.
Speaker 5: Right, okay, all right.
Speaker 6: Because I'm white, I'll go first.
Speaker 2: Uh all right, Uh, I guess because I'm Jewish, I'll
Speaker 2: go second.
Speaker 9: Porn to d four oh snap, mouse trap, check mate us.
Speaker 6: Sign your US, turn your US sign, Trevor Noah, call
Speaker 6: me right back.
Speaker 8: Bloo.
Speaker 6: Alabama voters, they're not gonna ditch Roy Moore. One of
Speaker 6: the biggest reasons is because his people have used another
Speaker 6: trick from the Trump playbook, make all of the news
Speaker 6: fake news.
Speaker 9: Mudding the waters even more in Alabama, a bogus robocall
Speaker 9: this suspicious message pretending to be from the Washington Post,
Speaker 9: which broke the story about War's accusers.
Speaker 4: Pat is your journey friend Skimmer, reporter for the Washington Post,
Speaker 4: going to find out as anyone who just address to
Speaker 4: the female between the ages and fifty four to fifty
Speaker 4: seven years old, willing to make damnite usion remarks about
Speaker 4: candidate Willimore for a warder between five thousand and seven
Speaker 4: thousand dollars.
Speaker 6: All right, I'm gonna go out on a limon say this.
Speaker 6: Bernie Bernstein is not a real Washington Post reporter I
Speaker 6: don't even know what that accent was. It sounded like
Speaker 6: a guy trying to do a New York Jewish voice
Speaker 6: based on hearing a friend describe a Woody Allen movie. Like, obviously,
Speaker 6: there is no Bernie Bernstein from the Washington Post.
Speaker 5: People are being paid for this, really, as someone.
Speaker 6: Who's out there's paying people to make up stories about
Speaker 6: Roy Moore, Like like, what is.
Speaker 5: Sorry? I don't know who this is?
Speaker 2: Hello, Hello, Trevor, boy chick here, How can you say
Speaker 2: that Bernie Bernstein isn't real?
Speaker 5: It's me os Meir, I'm sorry. Who is It's Washington.
Speaker 8: Post reporter Bernie Burnstein?
Speaker 1: Well should it be?
Speaker 5: I'm sorry, something's not right about this. Hold on you.
Speaker 5: You sound like you're nearby. Where did you say you.
Speaker 1: Were calling from his friend?
Speaker 8: I'm calling Frimdon Washington Post and Bernie Burnstein.
Speaker 1: I'm a real person.
Speaker 8: I'm a very julish really.
Speaker 2: Really, Trevor, may I say something to start.
Speaker 5: Of using a flip phone? John, I'm old.
Speaker 2: I was actually just trying to promote a night at
Speaker 2: Too Many Stars on HBO. And it's a benefit to
Speaker 2: raise money for autism services. And there's a lot of
Speaker 2: great people in I. I just wanted to come by
Speaker 2: and thank you for doing something to help raise money
Speaker 2: for the Autism Benefit as well. There Trevor's actually doing
Speaker 2: something for it as well.
Speaker 5: I mean, I feel like you can all do something.
Speaker 5: You don't.
Speaker 6: You don't need anti semitism to come into the show, John,
Speaker 6: you could have just asked.
Speaker 5: Me, I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't need it.
Speaker 2: I just like it that way. That's how I function best.
Speaker 5: But that's that's that's right.
Speaker 6: Like here at the Daily Show, we've decided to raffle
Speaker 6: off a chance for someone at home to be interviewed
Speaker 6: by me here on our sets.
Speaker 5: What yeah, that's right.
Speaker 6: What I will fly you and a friend into a
Speaker 6: friend I will put you up in a hotel and
Speaker 6: then we can sit down at this very desk and
Speaker 6: talk about anything you want. Just go to omais dot
Speaker 6: com slash Trevor and make a donation.
Speaker 1: That's an unbelievable prize.
Speaker 2: And I'll tell you why I watched this show and
Speaker 2: you're very good at it.
Speaker 5: Well, thank you if you if you don't mind me
Speaker 5: asking like what have you what have you been up to?
Speaker 1: Live out there?
Speaker 2: And I you know, the wilds of Jersey raising the
Speaker 2: animals doing the thing there.
Speaker 1: So it's you know, the bad Lands as it were.
Speaker 6: So you're raising animals and so you're basically in Africa
Speaker 6: and I'm in America.
Speaker 5: It's like we flip lives. That's what happened here.
Speaker 1: I have to get this. Yes, Hello, this is Bernie Burney.
Speaker 5: Explore more shows from the.
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Speaker 5: Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven.
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