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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to Do You Need Therapy? Podcast.

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Speaker 1: My name is Cat and if I sound a little

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Speaker 1: bit under the weather, it's because well I am. And

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Speaker 1: I actually had to cancel a couple interviews for the

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Speaker 1: podcast due to me being sick and not feeling very

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Speaker 1: good and sounding pretty bad, because you know, there's nothing

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Speaker 1: quite like listening to a podcast with somebody who sounds sick,

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Speaker 1: which is unfortunate and also at the same time nothing

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Speaker 1: you can really do about it. It's one of those

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Speaker 1: things where it's like, well, I can't really get mad

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Speaker 1: at myself for something that just kind of happened naturally.

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Speaker 1: And I was planning on sucking it up and putting

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Speaker 1: out a new solo episode today until I was having

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Speaker 1: a little talk with my friend Amy, who a lot

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Speaker 1: of you guys know, Amy Brown. She has the podcast

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Speaker 1: Four Things with Amy Brown, and I'm on her podcast network,

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Speaker 1: Amy Brown Podcast Network, and I was talking to her

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Speaker 1: about I was just talking about what I was doing,

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Speaker 1: how I was feeling, and working on this the episode

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Speaker 1: I was going to try to put out, and she

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Speaker 1: was like, why are you doing that? She was like,

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Speaker 1: you're sick, you should probably just rest. And when she

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Speaker 1: said that. I was like, oh my gosh, you're very right.

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Speaker 1: You're very very right. I'm sick. I don't feel good.

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Speaker 1: I really don't sound very good at all. And I

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Speaker 1: am just like every other human in the world who

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Speaker 1: deserves to have a sick day when I'm sick so

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Speaker 1: my body can heal. So I'm going to do that.

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Speaker 1: And what a beautiful way to practice would I preach

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Speaker 1: here all the time taking care of yourself and being

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Speaker 1: kind to yourself and loving yourself well. And so I'm

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Speaker 1: I'm taking a sick day. I'm not going to put

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Speaker 1: out a whole new episode. I decided to instead released

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Speaker 1: one of my favorite episodes ever that came out around

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Speaker 1: the same time last year. And if you haven't heard

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Speaker 1: this one, I'm very excited for you to hear it

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Speaker 1: because it's literally I'm not even kidding, and I try

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Speaker 1: not to do this, but then I also do is

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Speaker 1: is like really rank these but this is one of

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Speaker 1: my favorite episodes. So if you haven't heard this, I'm

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Speaker 1: very excited for you. And honestly, even if you have

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Speaker 1: heard this episode before, I'm also excited for you to

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Speaker 1: be tuning into it because I've listened to it multiple

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Speaker 1: times because it was that helpful for me to hear

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Speaker 1: and re hear some of the things that Hannah said

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Speaker 1: in this episode. So I'm going to lay on the

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Speaker 1: couch and watch. I think I'm gonna start that series

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Speaker 1: Dope Sick on Hulu. I keep being told that I

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Speaker 1: would like it, and so I'm gonna finally give it

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Speaker 1: a go. I just finished Ted Lasso, which I know

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Speaker 1: I'm late to the party there, but I am obsessed

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Speaker 1: and was very upset when there was no more episodes

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Speaker 1: to watch. So I've done that already. I'm gonna move

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Speaker 1: on to Dope Sick in case you guys from One Tree.

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Speaker 1: So I'm gonna do that. You guys listen to this episode.

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Speaker 1: I hope that you enjoy it. I hope that everybody

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Speaker 1: is staying as healthy as you can out there. And

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Speaker 1: year is my episode with Hannah brent Scher called Depression

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Speaker 1: Does Not Define You. I have a very exciting guest

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Speaker 1: that I have been really waiting patiently, yet I'm patiently

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Speaker 1: um to talk to. Her name is Hannah brent Scher.

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Speaker 1: She is a writer, a speaker, a ted talker, a

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Speaker 1: mom and a wife and all around. I think good human.

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Speaker 1: So I want to say thank you for being here, Hannah,

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Speaker 1: thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here.

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Speaker 1: I was like, I can't wait for this. I just

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Speaker 1: love the subject matter of this podcast. Awesome. Well thank you. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so we're going to talk about all the things, whereas

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Speaker 1: many things we can talk about in the time we have,

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Speaker 1: but I want to start with you have a new

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Speaker 1: book coming out. I think when this is released, it

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Speaker 1: will be like the day the book comes out. So

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Speaker 1: I got a copy and I've been reading it. But

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Speaker 1: I want you because it is a little bit it

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Speaker 1: reads different than your previous books, So I want you

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Speaker 1: to tell us a little bit about that book and

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Speaker 1: what it's important, and what's special about it to you

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Speaker 1: and kind of why you wrote it. Yeah, so it

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Speaker 1: is different, and it's intentionally different from the first two

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Speaker 1: books that I wrote. Especially Come Out of Here was

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Speaker 1: very much my story, and I loved that and knew

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Speaker 1: that story needed to be told. But I was really

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Speaker 1: eager to write something like this where it could be

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Speaker 1: just all about the reader. That's what I wanted it

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Speaker 1: to be. I knew I couldn't give people the road

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Speaker 1: map for their life or how to fix it. But

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Speaker 1: I knew that, like because of my own experiences, I

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Speaker 1: have been in places where I have been stuck and

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Speaker 1: unable to move forward, and I think we all have

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Speaker 1: and a lot of times that's fear holding us back.

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Speaker 1: There's lives holding us back and gume matter here. I

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Speaker 1: dedicated a chapter to that, and I'm like, you got

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Speaker 1: to dedicate a whole book to that, because like it's

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Speaker 1: not a one and done thing. You get over one

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Speaker 1: hurdle and there's another another hurdle. And so I realized

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Speaker 1: in this that a lot of times we're not moved

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Speaker 1: ng forward, and we don't get to move forward or

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Speaker 1: walk forward or run forward. A lot of times what

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Speaker 1: we have to do is little by little, fight forward.

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Speaker 1: And so I wrote what I called fight songs. They

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Speaker 1: are these power packed essays, very short and to the point,

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Speaker 1: to hopefully inspire people to get up and get moving

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Speaker 1: and start living their lives rather than being a spectator

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Speaker 1: in the lives of others. Yeah, and I will say

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Speaker 1: I'm not through the whole thing, but I love the

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Speaker 1: way it's written because I'm not somebody who can sit

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Speaker 1: down and read for like hours, and it's like I

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Speaker 1: can read one story at night, and there are specific

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Speaker 1: ones that have already kind of spoken to me, and

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Speaker 1: the one that I don't want to give anything away

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Speaker 1: because I want people to read this. But the one

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Speaker 1: I want to say that I have loved the most

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Speaker 1: so far is that I think it was like myle

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Speaker 1: was at mile one. Yes, it's so good. It's so good,

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Speaker 1: and I think that, I mean, you can write a

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Speaker 1: whole book on that chap because basically what you're talking

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Speaker 1: about is like you've got to start right, and so

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Speaker 1: many people can't start. So that is just to say.

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Speaker 1: The whole book is filled with like just almost like

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Speaker 1: power packed messages that you can sit and get through

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Speaker 1: and take and digest day by day, evening by evening.

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Speaker 1: You don't need to have red chapter nine to get

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Speaker 1: something from chapter ten, or to have red chapter thirteen

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Speaker 1: to go to fourteen. It's more so like all these

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Speaker 1: different topics. That's what I love about it. It's like

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Speaker 1: I didn't like It's not that I didn't want to

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Speaker 1: tell a story. I tell stories all throughout it, but

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Speaker 1: I was really excited to just be like, where do

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Speaker 1: we need to go and what needs to be helpful

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Speaker 1: and let's let's hit that. Yeah, okay, So, because you

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Speaker 1: do talk so much about your story and your life

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Speaker 1: and your writing, and I so far only know you

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Speaker 1: from your writing, I would love if you could talk

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Speaker 1: a little bit about more so, I mean all of it,

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Speaker 1: whatever you want to talk about, but really more so

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Speaker 1: your fight with depression. You put out I think it

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Speaker 1: was last week. I could have been the week before

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Speaker 1: about something on Instagram about coming out of the woods day.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, that was such a good post, like,

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Speaker 1: because I literally haven't had any time to even go

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Speaker 1: and comment back to people because it's been so crazy.

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Speaker 1: I did not expect that response from people, and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: everyone needs a response. I'm gonna be that weird person

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Speaker 1: that shows up two weeks later to be like, hey,

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Speaker 1: thanks for sharing. They'll appreciate that whatever. But I want

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Speaker 1: to talk about that because you are very open with

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Speaker 1: your story when it comes to mental health. And what

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Speaker 1: I understand is that post represented like, hey, I didn't

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Speaker 1: stay there forever like that happened. I fought through it.

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Speaker 1: It still can come back and forth, but I didn't

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Speaker 1: stay in that dark pit forever. And so I want

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Speaker 1: to talk about and I want to hear from you

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Speaker 1: what depression has looked like for you, what it has

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Speaker 1: felt like for you, and how you've experienced it in

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Speaker 1: your life. I mean to go way back in the

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Speaker 1: trenches when I was board. No, I'm kidding, UM, I

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Speaker 1: think growing up, I was always a very anxious kid,

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Speaker 1: like anxious about everything, and that has been used to

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Speaker 1: my advantage because it also made me an achiever. But um,

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Speaker 1: I didn't know at the time, like anxiety and depression

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Speaker 1: or like sisters, you know, like what usually leads to

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Speaker 1: the other and vice versa. And so I remember growing

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Speaker 1: up and I always was anxious and we called it queezy,

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Speaker 1: like I'm just queezy. I was queezy about going to school.

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Speaker 1: I was queezy about being on a stage. And I

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Speaker 1: got to the point where I graduated from college. I

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Speaker 1: moved to New York City, and I was living what

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Speaker 1: I thought was supposed to be like my dream life.

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Speaker 1: But very quickly I fell into what I would now

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Speaker 1: call situational depression. And so everything around me, like I

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Speaker 1: had gone from a very small college where everybody knew

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Speaker 1: my name, where I knew them, I had vibrant community

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Speaker 1: to the one of the biggest cities in our country, tree,

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Speaker 1: and even though there's so many people, it's a very

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Speaker 1: isolating city. It's very hard to connect with people in

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Speaker 1: New York. Um it's possible, and I made it happen

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Speaker 1: in a lot of ways, but I felt very lonely.

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Speaker 1: I felt very disconnected, and it was just a very

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Speaker 1: like jarring experience to go from where I was to

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Speaker 1: this place in New York. I was living in the Bronx,

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Speaker 1: New York. I was living on the third floor of

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Speaker 1: an immigration center, so like you'd literally come downstairs in

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Speaker 1: the morning and there would be people waiting for the

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Speaker 1: center to open up because somebody had been deported in

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Speaker 1: the middle of the night. Like it was a lot

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Speaker 1: of intense things right in my face, and no one

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Speaker 1: they shouldn't put a therapist in that program with me,

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Speaker 1: but I didn't. And so I call it situational depression

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Speaker 1: because I very much think that the situation I was

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Speaker 1: in is what spurred on the depression and the sadness.

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Speaker 1: And at the same time, I felt a lot of

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Speaker 1: shame about depression. I didn't talk openly about it. I

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Speaker 1: didn't know how to tell my friends and family about it.

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Speaker 1: I think you could probably look my face and know

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Speaker 1: something is wrong, but I didn't know how to admit, like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm not in a very good place right now. And

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Speaker 1: when I moved away from New York and I took

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Speaker 1: a job back home, it was almost like that depression

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Speaker 1: it just left. It was gone. And I thought like

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Speaker 1: it was like the chicken pox. You deal with depression once,

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Speaker 1: you will never deal with it again. That is not true.

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Speaker 1: And so in two thousand and fourteen, I had moved

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Speaker 1: to Atlanta. I had uprooted my life. I was on

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Speaker 1: a new adventure, and everything from the outside of my

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Speaker 1: life looked great. It looked awesome. I was speaking around

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Speaker 1: the country, I was writing books. My first book was

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Speaker 1: about to come out. I had given a ted talk

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Speaker 1: like everything was going for me, and it was everything

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Speaker 1: that the world had kind of told me mattered. So

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Speaker 1: I thought I was doing something right. I wasn't taking

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Speaker 1: care of myself. I would say, I wasn't really having

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Speaker 1: any kind of rest or care for my well being.

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Speaker 1: And I remember it was November of two thousand and fourteen.

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Speaker 1: I remember where I was. I was at my coworking space.

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Speaker 1: I remember going to a friend and saying to her like, hey,

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Speaker 1: like I'm just not like doing well right now, you know,

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Speaker 1: Like I actually it was like a period of time

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Speaker 1: where I didn't have a lot of work on my plate,

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Speaker 1: and for me, I didn't know how to deal when

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Speaker 1: I didn't have a lot of work on my plate,

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Speaker 1: because that meant I would have to be like alone

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Speaker 1: with my thoughts and I didn't really want to be

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Speaker 1: in that space, right And I remember that we went

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Speaker 1: in another room and she was praying for me, and

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Speaker 1: after she prayed for me, she was talking to me,

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Speaker 1: and I don't even remember what she was saying, because

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Speaker 1: all I remember is this sharp pain that came from

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Speaker 1: the top of my head down to my feet, came

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Speaker 1: over my entire body. I actually physically felt it, And

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Speaker 1: from that point forward, it was like I was in

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Speaker 1: a paralysis. Like doctors were trying to figure out what

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Speaker 1: had happened, and the best that they could say was that,

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Speaker 1: like I had a nervous breakdown. I actually was able

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Speaker 1: to meet with a cerebral neurologist like a few years

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Speaker 1: removed from this situation, and he was like, Oh, it's

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Speaker 1: so evident to me what happened to you. He was like,

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Speaker 1: you were going at such a breakneck pace and at

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Speaker 1: the same time, like, we have these two parts of

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Speaker 1: our brain. We have the right side and we had

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Speaker 1: the left side. And he was like, you were leaning

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Speaker 1: so much on emotions and empathy but not physical, practical

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Speaker 1: things and things you needed to do in your life

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Speaker 1: to take care of you, that that side of your

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Speaker 1: brain just shut down completely. It was like the CEO

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Speaker 1: and the CEO and the CFO all quit on the

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Speaker 1: same day, and the only person left to run your

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Speaker 1: brain was the guy in the mail room. And he's like,

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Speaker 1: and the guy in the mail room, you don't want

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Speaker 1: running your brain because he's like chicken little on crack.

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Speaker 1: And it was like that's what happened, Like literally, chicken

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Speaker 1: little on crack was running my brain where I was

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Speaker 1: paranoid about everything. I was fearful of everything. I was

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Speaker 1: having panic attacks. Like it's still so hard for me

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Speaker 1: to explain to people what that was because it was

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Speaker 1: the scariest time of my life. It was the darkest

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Speaker 1: time of my life. And it was very much like

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Speaker 1: I did not feel like I was in control of

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Speaker 1: my own brain, like I wasn't, and I almost felt

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Speaker 1: like I would go in and out of these moments

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Speaker 1: of clarity, like I would have these brief moments in

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Speaker 1: my day where I could see everything clearly, where I

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Speaker 1: could know that I was saying this battle, where I

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Speaker 1: felt like my brain and my mind were clear, and

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Speaker 1: then it was only a matter of time before another

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Speaker 1: roomination took me and I was back in the pit.

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Speaker 1: It's the best way that I can describe it. I

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Speaker 1: hope it makes sense, but to the point that I

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Speaker 1: actually started to keep a word document up on my computer,

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Speaker 1: and in the times where I felt clarity, I would

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Speaker 1: write a note to myself so that I would find

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Speaker 1: it when I was back in the pit. And it

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Speaker 1: was like a bread crumb to be like, Hannah, you're

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Speaker 1: gonna come out of this. I saw it clearly, you

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Speaker 1: will come out of this. You've got to keep going

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Speaker 1: because once you're in that hit with those ruminations, like

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Speaker 1: you're not even thinking rationally, like you're just believing whatever

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Speaker 1: lie is thrown at you next. And so I fought

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Speaker 1: my way through this for four months. It was incredibly

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Speaker 1: dark and incredibly hard. I was hospitalized at one point,

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Speaker 1: and I remember the hospital was one of the times

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Speaker 1: that I felt the most relief because I thought, like,

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Speaker 1: maybe they'll just leave me here, like maybe I can

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Speaker 1: be done and I won't have to do this ever again,

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Speaker 1: I won't have to use my brain again. Because it

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Speaker 1: was the time where I've never been somebody who contemplated suicide.

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Speaker 1: I've never thought it through, But I remember in that

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Speaker 1: hospital bed being like, I get it. I totally get

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Speaker 1: why people do this because I just want the pain

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Speaker 1: to stop. And I'm thankful I didn't give up there.

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Speaker 1: I'm thankful that I decided that I was going to

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Speaker 1: pursue more doctors. I was going to take on medication.

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Speaker 1: I was going to take back my life. But it

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Speaker 1: was not an overnight thing. Um. I slowly but steadily

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Speaker 1: started to rebuild my life, and I had to rebuild

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Speaker 1: my life to look different than how it had looked before.

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Speaker 1: I had to learn to take care of myself. I

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Speaker 1: had to learn to fuel myself differently. I had to

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Speaker 1: accept that I was going to go to therapy regularly,

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Speaker 1: that it wasn't going to be like a one and

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Speaker 1: done thing, and that I might be out of medication

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Speaker 1: for my life. I don't know, but I do know

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Speaker 1: that because I take medication today, I'm able to show

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Speaker 1: up and thrive in the way that God needs me

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Speaker 1: to show up and so to me, I look at

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Speaker 1: it and I'm removed from what happened in two thousand

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Speaker 1: and fourteen, But I fight the battle every single day,

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Speaker 1: and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that I get

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Speaker 1: this opportunity that sounds weird to be like depression is

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Speaker 1: a gift. I don't necessarily think depression is a gift,

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Speaker 1: but I also think had I not gone through this,

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Speaker 1: I would have never been able to know how to

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Speaker 1: open the door for other people that are stuck in

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Speaker 1: the woods. Yeah, thank you for sharing that one. There's

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Speaker 1: so many I was gonna say, there's so many things

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Speaker 1: in there that I'm like, yes, yes, yes, Specifically, I

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Speaker 1: want to go back to the beginning because I wonder

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Speaker 1: what it looked like on the outside, because this happened

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Speaker 1: after you had a lot of success quote unquote success

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Speaker 1: and a career, and there's sometimes we can get depressed

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Speaker 1: because things aren't working out the way we want them

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Speaker 1: to work, or we aren't able to rise on certain

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Speaker 1: occasions and get certain like materialistic things we want, and

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Speaker 1: so it feels empty. But you had what I assume

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Speaker 1: on the outside, a lot of quote unquote success, and

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Speaker 1: so what was it like for you to be in

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Speaker 1: that spot before you went to this doctor and explained

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Speaker 1: what's going on in your brain of like why am

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Speaker 1: I feeling this way? Well, because it was, I mean honestly,

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Speaker 1: like and this is not in like a to your home,

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Speaker 1: to your horn. It was the most success in the

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Speaker 1: smallest amount of time, like giving a Ted talk like

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Speaker 1: that's the ultimate and one of six years ago Ted

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00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,640
Speaker 1: talk like a huge, huge deal. Yes, exactly right when

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00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:56,320
Speaker 1: Ted was like yeah, and it went online and my

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00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:59,240
Speaker 1: life literally flipped upside down within a matter of twenty

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Speaker 1: four hours. But Agents Movie Agents, like everything was happening

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Speaker 1: all of a sudden. I went from not speaking at

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Speaker 1: all to speaking everywhere in the country, conferences, colleges. I mean,

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00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:12,879
Speaker 1: it was wild and it was amazing, but it was

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Speaker 1: almost like I think back and I think I experienced

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Speaker 1: a lot of that at such a rapid rate and

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Speaker 1: at a young age, just to realize it's not there.

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Speaker 1: It's like, if you're striving for that, it's not going

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Speaker 1: to fill you. And like there are definitely ways to

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Speaker 1: be proud of that success and proud of working hard,

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Speaker 1: but it won't fill the emptiness inside of you. If

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Speaker 1: you feel it's that's something that has to be filled

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00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:40,719
Speaker 1: by to me, planting down some kind of roots, having

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00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:46,159
Speaker 1: community around you, having balanced taking care of yourself, or

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Speaker 1: like realizing like, yeah, you might experience the success, but

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Speaker 1: you are not the be all end all, and you're

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Speaker 1: not holding the world together because like, yeah, from the outside,

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Speaker 1: it all looked perfect. I thought it was perfect. I

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Speaker 1: thought that whatever this emptiness was that was kind of

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00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,479
Speaker 1: looming in the background, I'm like, maybe we all just

356
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Speaker 1: feel it, you know. But I just remember having this

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Speaker 1: very crazy experience too. After everything broke and I had

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Speaker 1: been in it for a few months, and I went

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Speaker 1: to the hospital and then they told me to go

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Speaker 1: to an inpatient program in Connecticut. Now I was living

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Speaker 1: in Atlanta at the time, but I was basically fighting

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Speaker 1: for my life in Connecticut because that's where my family was.

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Speaker 1: My mom was there, my friends that knew me were there.

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Speaker 1: I moved to Atlanta and not planted any roots down,

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Speaker 1: so I couldn't be surprised that these people didn't know

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Speaker 1: how to fight through this life threatening thing with me.

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Speaker 1: But I remember sitting in the waiting room of this

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Speaker 1: impatient program and I just wanted to scream because I

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Speaker 1: wanted to be like why am I here? Like what

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Speaker 1: is going on? Like I, y'all, I'm successful, I'm doing

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Speaker 1: things like I don't need to be here right now,

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Speaker 1: but like that wouldn't have made any difference. That wasn't

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Speaker 1: the right perspective at that time. But I just remember

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Speaker 1: being like how did I get here? And I kept

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Speaker 1: trying to explain to every doctor like no, no, you

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00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:11,640
Speaker 1: don't understand, like I swear like I'm a functioning adils

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Speaker 1: I do these things, you know, Like I wanted to

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Speaker 1: prove myself. And there was this one doctor at the

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Speaker 1: end of that day because we went from office to

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Speaker 1: office to paperwork, paperwork, paperwork, and I told my mom like,

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Speaker 1: I'm not doing this. I don't know why you guys

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Speaker 1: have me here. I'm not doing this. I have a therapistally,

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Speaker 1: and I'm not going to be here in this program.

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Speaker 1: Like the therapist that they paired me was. She was

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Speaker 1: not empathetic at all, she was not nice at all.

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Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know why we're here, but fine,

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Speaker 1: we'll follow through. And we get to the end of

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Speaker 1: the day to this woman who is basically I don't know,

389
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Speaker 1: going to diagnose me. I'm not even sure what was

390
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,720
Speaker 1: happening at that point, but she had me like explain

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Speaker 1: a little bit about my life. And so I'm telling

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Speaker 1: her all this about my life, and you know, I'm

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00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,960
Speaker 1: like puffing it up real big because like I got,

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Speaker 1: I gotta let her know, like I'm good, I'm good.

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Speaker 1: And she was just like, well, like I could have

396
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,240
Speaker 1: seen that crash coming from a mile away, girl like

397
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,760
Speaker 1: you are. You are taking on way too much in

398
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Speaker 1: a way short amount of time, and you're just your

399
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:13,159
Speaker 1: capacity broke, like you just broke. And you know, we

400
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:16,080
Speaker 1: came up with some solutions after that, and I would

401
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,760
Speaker 1: say after that point that was when it started to

402
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:22,320
Speaker 1: like move slowly upwards. I started some like clearing in

403
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Speaker 1: the woods, you know, but I don't even know, like

404
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:30,080
Speaker 1: I just well, you bring up something that's really important

405
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,840
Speaker 1: I think to talk about, and that is hustle culture.

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00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:35,359
Speaker 1: I can't wait to hear your perspective on this, because

407
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:38,480
Speaker 1: there is so much of that right now, so much

408
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,719
Speaker 1: I'm seeing a little bit of decline of that, like power, hustle,

409
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,840
Speaker 1: do the work, don't take a break. But a lot

410
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,840
Speaker 1: of especially even self help kind of stuff, is like

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00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,240
Speaker 1: hustle culture, like go do it, like get up and

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00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:52,000
Speaker 1: go make it happen. And so what is it like

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00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,119
Speaker 1: that might have been the height of hustle culture, Like

414
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:57,520
Speaker 1: what is that like? Yeah? Yeah, what is it like?

415
00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:03,359
Speaker 1: Hustle culture the prime of both. So what is it

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00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:07,080
Speaker 1: like for somebody to be struggling with depression and the

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00:21:07,119 --> 00:21:09,800
Speaker 1: crash of hustle? I mean, the hustle culture didn't work

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00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:12,520
Speaker 1: for you? You did it? Yeah? Yeah. Hustle culture is

419
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,000
Speaker 1: interesting to me because there is still part of me

420
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,320
Speaker 1: that loves the hustle. I love it. I don't think

421
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:20,359
Speaker 1: we need to glorify it. And I think, yeah, you

422
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,080
Speaker 1: can hustle all you want, but like, you gotta know

423
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:28,080
Speaker 1: that hustling does not just mean work. It's like you

424
00:21:28,119 --> 00:21:31,439
Speaker 1: need to take care of all these aspects of you

425
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:34,119
Speaker 1: because like right now, like I am in one of

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00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,360
Speaker 1: the busiest seasons of my life, and there have been

427
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,560
Speaker 1: a few moments where I've said to my husband, I

428
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,199
Speaker 1: feel like I cannot breathe right now. But then I

429
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:44,880
Speaker 1: recenter myself and I remember, Okay, here are the things

430
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:46,800
Speaker 1: that are on my list. Here are the ways that

431
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,160
Speaker 1: I'm taking care of myself, and these ways that I'm

432
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,639
Speaker 1: taking care of myself. They have to come first. I

433
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:53,919
Speaker 1: want to do any of this stuff, I need to

434
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,399
Speaker 1: do these things first. And for me, those are my

435
00:21:56,480 --> 00:22:00,359
Speaker 1: foundational tools. That's my fueling my body with the right foods,

436
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:03,919
Speaker 1: staying hydrated, getting my work out in being in the

437
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:07,280
Speaker 1: word of God, staying surrounded by my community. Those are

438
00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:10,719
Speaker 1: my pillars. And I didn't have those before. I just

439
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:14,240
Speaker 1: had my hustle, and I wondered why I wasn't fueled.

440
00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:16,840
Speaker 1: And so I think that like I kind of tow

441
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,920
Speaker 1: a line because I also don't resonate with the culture

442
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,399
Speaker 1: that's like I'm a stay in bed because it's like

443
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:27,280
Speaker 1: get up and something, you know, like we can't be

444
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:30,040
Speaker 1: all or nothing in there. Yeah, And and that's I

445
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:32,280
Speaker 1: think that. I mean, there's a whole other avenue of

446
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:34,000
Speaker 1: like it's black or white. It's like you're doing everything,

447
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:37,760
Speaker 1: are you doing nothing? And exactly and I'm more so

448
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,320
Speaker 1: like we got work to do. We got to get

449
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,239
Speaker 1: some things done. But also it's not gonna matter if

450
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:45,239
Speaker 1: you lose yourself in the process, if you don't know

451
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,720
Speaker 1: how to take care of yourself. And so like I

452
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:50,720
Speaker 1: might have a busy day, a busy week, and I

453
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,000
Speaker 1: still am like okay, but like, how can I feel

454
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,640
Speaker 1: my body today? I don't want to do this workout,

455
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:58,280
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna see my therapist,

456
00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:02,440
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take my medication. All of these things they

457
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:05,199
Speaker 1: matter if I want to show up at full capacity.

458
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:07,600
Speaker 1: And I found that, like by doing those things that

459
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,520
Speaker 1: like might quote unquote like take hours out of your day, No,

460
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:13,800
Speaker 1: like they just actually expand the amount of capacity and

461
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:17,159
Speaker 1: time that you have. Or it turns out that you

462
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:22,040
Speaker 1: don't need nearly as much time to work efficiently as

463
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:25,679
Speaker 1: you did because you're fueling your brain, You're fueling you know,

464
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,800
Speaker 1: like you're taking care of yourself. You can actually operate

465
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:32,120
Speaker 1: at a higher capacity, be more efficient in less time,

466
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:35,119
Speaker 1: so that you have time to take a break, rest,

467
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:38,600
Speaker 1: be with your family, whatever it is that fuels you up. Yeah.

468
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:42,080
Speaker 1: I love that perspective, and hopefully we can influence some

469
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:44,520
Speaker 1: people to take that on because we are in this

470
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:47,760
Speaker 1: black or white. I wonder for you to go back

471
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:51,439
Speaker 1: to how you even got to the hospital, Like, I

472
00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:54,119
Speaker 1: want to go back and hear what brought you to

473
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:57,600
Speaker 1: that level of I need help? Were you aware? Was

474
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:01,520
Speaker 1: it somebody telling you to go? How other people sent

475
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:05,919
Speaker 1: me to the people showed up at my house and

476
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:08,439
Speaker 1: was like, she needs to go to a little Like

477
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:10,719
Speaker 1: they told my mom, you gotta drive to the hospital.

478
00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:14,840
Speaker 1: Like we were scared, you know, and not scared in

479
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:17,840
Speaker 1: the sense of like I wasn't gonna do anything crazy,

480
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:21,720
Speaker 1: but we had we tried everything else. I was seeing

481
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:23,880
Speaker 1: a therapist, and there's only so much you can see

482
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,040
Speaker 1: a therapist. I wish you could like like lock yourself

483
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:27,560
Speaker 1: in a room with them for six hours in the

484
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,040
Speaker 1: day and like really deal with some stuff. Um, but

485
00:24:30,119 --> 00:24:35,160
Speaker 1: like we had exhausted our efforts and there was nothing changing.

486
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:38,040
Speaker 1: And I mean I was pumped to go to the hospital.

487
00:24:38,119 --> 00:24:41,080
Speaker 1: I know that sounds so weird, but I remember getting

488
00:24:41,119 --> 00:24:43,920
Speaker 1: into that room and feeling like maybe somebody's going to

489
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:46,199
Speaker 1: take care of me now, Like maybe I can just

490
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:48,000
Speaker 1: shut off my brain for a little bit. Like I

491
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,959
Speaker 1: get emotional because my brain was just so tired, and

492
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,640
Speaker 1: I felt like I was in such a dark space.

493
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:57,200
Speaker 1: I didn't know at the time, like the science behind ruminations,

494
00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:00,719
Speaker 1: you know, And I was exhausted, and I just wanted

495
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,640
Speaker 1: somebody to be able to just lift that off of

496
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:06,199
Speaker 1: me and be like you don't need to move you

497
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,440
Speaker 1: don't need to do anything. You can just give up.

498
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,120
Speaker 1: And of course they didn't give me that option. They

499
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:14,080
Speaker 1: just gave me a really expensive bill. But but I

500
00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:16,959
Speaker 1: think that, like I look at my journey and I

501
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:19,640
Speaker 1: look at like the different things that happened, and like,

502
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:22,399
Speaker 1: not all of it makes sense, you know, like that

503
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:24,840
Speaker 1: hospital visit, all of that, Like I look back and

504
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:26,560
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't even know what the purpose of

505
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,720
Speaker 1: that was, but it all led me to the recovery

506
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:33,480
Speaker 1: that I experienced, you know, And I think that there's

507
00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:36,879
Speaker 1: no shame in going to a hospital. There's no shame

508
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:40,560
Speaker 1: in asking for help, you know. And I think that's

509
00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:42,240
Speaker 1: what I didn't know how to do. I knew how

510
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:45,160
Speaker 1: to ask for help to an extent, but like I

511
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,560
Speaker 1: was not the person to say I have to go

512
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:50,040
Speaker 1: to the hospital. It was people that were like, hey, like,

513
00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:52,840
Speaker 1: because we love you, we want to go figure out,

514
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,720
Speaker 1: like what's what's going on. You've been to doctors, And

515
00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:59,320
Speaker 1: I had doctors too that like we're gosh, like giving

516
00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:03,200
Speaker 1: me all kinds of medications that I really wish somebody

517
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:06,640
Speaker 1: had vetted or been like hey, because like at one

518
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:10,480
Speaker 1: point a doctor or gave me benzos and I didn't

519
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,440
Speaker 1: know anything about benzos except that like my brother, who

520
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,639
Speaker 1: has been an addict for the last seventeen years, was

521
00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:18,840
Speaker 1: addicted to benzos, you know, and so what no one

522
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:20,639
Speaker 1: told me about them is that you would take a

523
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:23,680
Speaker 1: pill and you would calm down, but then the crash

524
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:27,400
Speaker 1: was like ten times harder. And so I was self

525
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,680
Speaker 1: sabotaging in that way of like I just was doing

526
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:32,160
Speaker 1: the best I could to just maintain. And so meeting

527
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:34,520
Speaker 1: in Connecticut and me choosing to go to the hospital

528
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:37,480
Speaker 1: and then like entertain this idea of an impatient program

529
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:39,640
Speaker 1: was me sing I'm willing to stay in one place

530
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:42,960
Speaker 1: and do the work to figure this out, because yeah,

531
00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:46,719
Speaker 1: it was just a lot of craziness, and you know,

532
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:50,320
Speaker 1: you talked about like voices and just how your brain

533
00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:52,320
Speaker 1: didn't it was like the malman was running your brain,

534
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:55,040
Speaker 1: like it just wasn't you. And so one I just

535
00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:57,919
Speaker 1: want to make the point to say to everybody listening,

536
00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:00,520
Speaker 1: this is a very weirdly beautiful I don't really know

537
00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:03,399
Speaker 1: how to call it, a a picture of successful people needing

538
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:07,399
Speaker 1: help to and people that are doing well and getting

539
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:10,440
Speaker 1: their reaching their goals. We need we all need help,

540
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:14,280
Speaker 1: and there's no shame in that we're all human. No

541
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:16,480
Speaker 1: matter how successful you are, you're still a human being.

542
00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:19,400
Speaker 1: Doesn't make you weak, No, no, not at all. And

543
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:24,040
Speaker 1: I want to know what voices the Maleman guy hadn't

544
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:28,119
Speaker 1: running through your brain? Right? So you always had anxiety,

545
00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,879
Speaker 1: you always had that you knew and so was this

546
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:34,160
Speaker 1: a totally different voice or is it like a louder

547
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,600
Speaker 1: version of some of those voices? And what did they say? Yeah,

548
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:42,280
Speaker 1: it was like anxiety on like steroids. You know, everything,

549
00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:46,600
Speaker 1: every lie that you could imagine suddenly just like popping

550
00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:48,600
Speaker 1: up all over the place. So yeah, like it was

551
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:52,399
Speaker 1: the standard things of like you don't matter, it doesn't

552
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:55,160
Speaker 1: matter that you're here, you don't need to be here,

553
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:58,119
Speaker 1: you're not enough, all of that, but like it was

554
00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:02,320
Speaker 1: the only thing that I could hear. And I think

555
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:04,639
Speaker 1: that and like this is something I actually do not

556
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:07,480
Speaker 1: talk about a lot. We're going to go there, right, Okay,

557
00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:10,399
Speaker 1: I want to go there. I think what happens is

558
00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:13,320
Speaker 1: that anxiety and fear. And I'm not a professional, so

559
00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:15,520
Speaker 1: I cannot say that this is what happens. You can

560
00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,520
Speaker 1: let me know. But I think that like ruminations, you

561
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:21,320
Speaker 1: can fixate on a certain thing and you can become

562
00:28:21,359 --> 00:28:24,040
Speaker 1: obsessed with that thing and it will take you all

563
00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:28,320
Speaker 1: the way down, right. And so at the time, I

564
00:28:28,359 --> 00:28:31,320
Speaker 1: had just finished writing my first book, and that book

565
00:28:31,359 --> 00:28:35,520
Speaker 1: had been my obsession. I poured all my energy into

566
00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:37,360
Speaker 1: it because it was the only thing I had ever

567
00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:39,680
Speaker 1: wanted to do my whole entire life was write a book.

568
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:42,200
Speaker 1: So I mean, I was up with the sun writing

569
00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:45,400
Speaker 1: that book, son went down still writing that book, and

570
00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:47,600
Speaker 1: then I let it go. I gave it to the editor,

571
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:50,120
Speaker 1: and it was over and there was nothing left for

572
00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:54,160
Speaker 1: me to do. Very soon after that, depression came on.

573
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:57,360
Speaker 1: And so for me it was a lot of these

574
00:28:57,760 --> 00:29:02,480
Speaker 1: lies and these fears, but was also this obsession that

575
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:06,280
Speaker 1: something was wrong with the book. I didn't know what

576
00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:11,000
Speaker 1: it was, but I would spend hours trying to figure

577
00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:14,360
Speaker 1: it out. Like I lost hours in a single day

578
00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:17,440
Speaker 1: just sitting there trying to figure it out. And I

579
00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:21,000
Speaker 1: had people around me being like, Hannah, it has nothing

580
00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:23,360
Speaker 1: to do with the book. The book is over, the

581
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:25,600
Speaker 1: book is done. Me to let it go. But I

582
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:27,600
Speaker 1: didn't even nay. This ever felt of rumination. It's like

583
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:29,880
Speaker 1: you have to obsess on this one thing. And the

584
00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:32,719
Speaker 1: thing about ruminations is that they're not problems you can solve,

585
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:35,640
Speaker 1: but you're vincy you can solve them. Um. And so

586
00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:39,400
Speaker 1: what's so interesting about that is that for weeks I

587
00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:42,160
Speaker 1: was obsessed with that book and figuring out what was

588
00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:45,120
Speaker 1: wrong with it, to the point that now that book

589
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,560
Speaker 1: is out there in the world, it has blessed many people.

590
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:50,479
Speaker 1: I still to this day have a hard time looking

591
00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:52,600
Speaker 1: at it. I have a hard time going back and

592
00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:56,280
Speaker 1: reading through it because it was associated with that very

593
00:29:56,360 --> 00:29:58,880
Speaker 1: dark depression. And I know there's nothing wrong with the book,

594
00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:02,240
Speaker 1: but like you spent so much time ripping something apart,

595
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:04,680
Speaker 1: you feel like you have nothing left at the end

596
00:30:04,720 --> 00:30:07,600
Speaker 1: of it. And so that that's something that a lot

597
00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:10,280
Speaker 1: of people do not know, and that's something that honestly

598
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:13,000
Speaker 1: like talking about it. You feel a little bit like mad.

599
00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:16,320
Speaker 1: The brain is such a powerful thing that I think

600
00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:19,400
Speaker 1: I don't have any rationale for why it was like that.

601
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:21,800
Speaker 1: That's just the reality of what was happening for me.

602
00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:25,800
Speaker 1: When when you say I feel mad, what is the mad? Say? Like,

603
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:28,440
Speaker 1: what are you mad for? Mad about? No? I mean,

604
00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:32,400
Speaker 1: like mad isn't like kind of like mad hatter like crazy.

605
00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:35,120
Speaker 1: But I like to say the word crazy because I

606
00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:37,920
Speaker 1: don't want anyone to Yeah, so I said, mad, Okay,

607
00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:41,480
Speaker 1: I'm like okay, well, okay, so totally. And that is

608
00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:44,920
Speaker 1: something that can be looked at across so many different

609
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:48,680
Speaker 1: avenues of our lives. If we think something enough and

610
00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:52,040
Speaker 1: we tell a story to ourselves enough times, which that's

611
00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:54,240
Speaker 1: what you're doing with that rumination. Something's wrong with the book,

612
00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:56,640
Speaker 1: something's wrong with the book, something's wrong with the book.

613
00:30:56,840 --> 00:30:59,360
Speaker 1: You better believe you're going to think something's wrong with

614
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:02,040
Speaker 1: the book. And that's we can do that to our bodies.

615
00:31:02,040 --> 00:31:04,280
Speaker 1: Something's wrong with my body, something's wrong with my body.

616
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:07,440
Speaker 1: Nobody will love me, nobody will love me. Whatever we

617
00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:09,959
Speaker 1: tell ourselves over and over again is what we end

618
00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:14,240
Speaker 1: up believing, and we create stories. There's two sides to that.

619
00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:17,400
Speaker 1: That's awesome and one side because I can tell myself

620
00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:19,800
Speaker 1: I'm great, I can tell myself I'm beautiful, I can

621
00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:22,840
Speaker 1: tell myself that people love me and I'm wanted, but

622
00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:27,120
Speaker 1: for some reason, that's usually not what we do. We

623
00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:32,240
Speaker 1: oh yeah, oh yeah, And so we can tell ourselves

624
00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:35,120
Speaker 1: any story, but a lot of times we're telling ourselves

625
00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:38,640
Speaker 1: the story that something's wrong with us or there's something

626
00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:41,520
Speaker 1: wrong with what we've done, which makes me think of

627
00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:44,880
Speaker 1: I learned this as an intern. I was reading one

628
00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:47,120
Speaker 1: of Burnet Brown's books. I don't know how long ago,

629
00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:49,200
Speaker 1: and I don't even know which of her books it was,

630
00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:54,120
Speaker 1: but she talked about how we get dopamine, which is

631
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:56,680
Speaker 1: a feel good chemical in our bodies and our brains

632
00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:59,440
Speaker 1: when we figure things out. And so what we do

633
00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:02,760
Speaker 1: is we're meaning making people. Humans like stories, and we

634
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:05,120
Speaker 1: like to have our stories to have an ending, and

635
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:08,280
Speaker 1: so we figure things out and we make up reasons

636
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:11,120
Speaker 1: for things, and we make up ends of stories that

637
00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:14,240
Speaker 1: quite possibly are not true because it feels good when

638
00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:17,760
Speaker 1: we figure it out. The problem is just like the medication.

639
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:21,240
Speaker 1: It's great, and then the come down so bad, Well,

640
00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:23,840
Speaker 1: something else is going to come in that place. Once

641
00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:27,880
Speaker 1: I had solved a rumination, another one always popped up

642
00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:30,880
Speaker 1: until I got smart and was like, whoa, this is

643
00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:33,760
Speaker 1: going to keep happening until I tear apart my whole

644
00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:36,880
Speaker 1: entire life, right yes, because it's like something's wrong with

645
00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:39,040
Speaker 1: the book. Okay, now have to do something to fix that.

646
00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:41,720
Speaker 1: And then what and we do that with The example

647
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:44,880
Speaker 1: I always give to people is because a lot of

648
00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:49,160
Speaker 1: the I see mostly women and um, they're like twenties, thirties, forties,

649
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:52,080
Speaker 1: a lot of them struggling with relationships and all of that.

650
00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:55,560
Speaker 1: And it's like when you're texting somebody, you're texting a guy,

651
00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:57,720
Speaker 1: you're talking to a guy specifically, maybe on a dating app,

652
00:32:57,760 --> 00:33:00,320
Speaker 1: because that's what we do these days. And it's a

653
00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:02,920
Speaker 1: back and forth and we're talking and we're it's great

654
00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:05,560
Speaker 1: and we're like getting along and then you say something

655
00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:07,920
Speaker 1: and he has the dot dot dots and then they

656
00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:11,160
Speaker 1: go away, Yeah he didn't, and then he doesn't finish.

657
00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:12,840
Speaker 1: You never hear from him, and it's like an hour

658
00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:15,000
Speaker 1: goes by, and then another hour goes by, and then

659
00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:17,320
Speaker 1: you start thinking, what did I do? Well? Did I

660
00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:19,120
Speaker 1: say it was my punctuation weird? Like should I not

661
00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:20,760
Speaker 1: have said that wasn't not funny? Do you think he

662
00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:24,760
Speaker 1: understood what I said? In reality? Like maybe he's like

663
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:27,640
Speaker 1: in the shower, maybe he got a phone call from

664
00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:30,080
Speaker 1: his mom, maybe he dropped his phone and the toy.

665
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:33,600
Speaker 1: Who knows he could be doing anything, But we gravitate

666
00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:36,880
Speaker 1: to the story that says something is wrong with us. Well,

667
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:39,760
Speaker 1: and I've already been somebody who's prone to do that

668
00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:42,680
Speaker 1: in daily life not in the relationships that like I'm

669
00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:45,080
Speaker 1: in a very happy marriage, but like I'll be the

670
00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:48,520
Speaker 1: person that will like be at like a friend's house

671
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:52,160
Speaker 1: or whatever and we're having like deep conversation and I'm vulnerable.

672
00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:54,840
Speaker 1: I'm just a vulnerable person. But then I'll leave and

673
00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:56,880
Speaker 1: I'll be like should I have said that? Like should

674
00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:58,440
Speaker 1: I have said that? You know? And then you text

675
00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:00,200
Speaker 1: the person and be like, hey, I'm so sorry if

676
00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:02,840
Speaker 1: I said something, you know, and like every friend always

677
00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:04,680
Speaker 1: comes back and it's like, what are you talking about?

678
00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:08,200
Speaker 1: Like stop, just stop. But like I'll overthink things, and

679
00:34:08,239 --> 00:34:09,880
Speaker 1: so I think when your brain is not in a

680
00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:13,120
Speaker 1: good place, like mine wasn't. It was like what I

681
00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:17,279
Speaker 1: normally would do, just on overdrive, you know. I think

682
00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:19,200
Speaker 1: so so many of us are like that. We like

683
00:34:19,239 --> 00:34:21,360
Speaker 1: get really vulnerable and then we're like and then we

684
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:23,920
Speaker 1: have shame for being vulnerable. Yea, I should have done

685
00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:26,200
Speaker 1: that when like the world really needs more of that,

686
00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:28,680
Speaker 1: Like that's what people are really texting you after the

687
00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:33,359
Speaker 1: podcast and I'm like, oh gosh, you know, like can

688
00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:36,359
Speaker 1: we take all of that out? But if I've done that,

689
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:40,120
Speaker 1: I've done The first time I recorded it was the

690
00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:43,040
Speaker 1: very beginning of this podcast, and I will put my

691
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:46,440
Speaker 1: story parts of pieces of my story on my Instagram

692
00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:48,520
Speaker 1: and stuff like that, and my friends can know things.

693
00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:51,880
Speaker 1: But I recorded an episode where somebody was asking me

694
00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:56,440
Speaker 1: about my life, and I spent days chopping it up

695
00:34:56,760 --> 00:35:00,239
Speaker 1: and moving things around, taking things out, and then and

696
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:02,239
Speaker 1: then I'm like, can actually can we redo it? And

697
00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:04,920
Speaker 1: so we sat down to redo it. We start recording,

698
00:35:05,239 --> 00:35:07,560
Speaker 1: and my friend was like, I'm not doing this. She

699
00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:10,839
Speaker 1: was like, this is so inauthentic. There's nothing wrong with

700
00:35:10,880 --> 00:35:13,960
Speaker 1: what we did the first time. You just need to relax.

701
00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:17,839
Speaker 1: And I'm like, okay, and then end up being great, yes,

702
00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:22,239
Speaker 1: And I love that we we connect in that way.

703
00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:30,760
Speaker 1: Back on track, I want to know what you wish

704
00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:35,279
Speaker 1: most people knew about mental health or depression. What do

705
00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:37,880
Speaker 1: you think out there is either a myth or what

706
00:35:37,920 --> 00:35:40,520
Speaker 1: do you think more people understood. Coming from a place

707
00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:43,160
Speaker 1: where I've been through the trenches of it, I mean,

708
00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:45,880
Speaker 1: that's a great question. It's really hard. I don't know.

709
00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:48,120
Speaker 1: I think it's a great thing that we are, maybe

710
00:35:48,120 --> 00:35:50,799
Speaker 1: more so shining a light on mental health. Like I'm

711
00:35:50,840 --> 00:35:53,480
Speaker 1: glad that we're talking about it more. You know, ten

712
00:35:53,560 --> 00:35:55,560
Speaker 1: years ago when I first felt with depression. I didn't

713
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:58,560
Speaker 1: feel like it was talked about at all. I think though,

714
00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:00,920
Speaker 1: at the same time, like I wish that maybe we

715
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:04,360
Speaker 1: had some better language to communicate what it is that

716
00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:07,200
Speaker 1: we're feeling, because a lot of people in daily life

717
00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:09,480
Speaker 1: are just like I'm depressed. I'm depressed. I'm depressed, and

718
00:36:09,480 --> 00:36:11,680
Speaker 1: like depression is a real thing. Like it's a very

719
00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:13,840
Speaker 1: real thing, and it was something that I thought was

720
00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:16,160
Speaker 1: going to like take my life or be the end

721
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:18,480
Speaker 1: of my life. And I would love to have language

722
00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:22,480
Speaker 1: to be able to find those people that are really struggling.

723
00:36:22,520 --> 00:36:25,160
Speaker 1: It is not to belittle what anybody is going through,

724
00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:27,880
Speaker 1: but like there are people whose lives are hanging in

725
00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:30,440
Speaker 1: the balance, who are in the same spot that I

726
00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:32,919
Speaker 1: was in where I was like I don't know how

727
00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:36,040
Speaker 1: to get out and I am scared for my life.

728
00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:40,200
Speaker 1: And the more that we just use language to just

729
00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:42,600
Speaker 1: be like I feel depressed today, you know, it's a

730
00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:46,000
Speaker 1: there's a difference like between that depression and then that

731
00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:49,880
Speaker 1: severe depression. So that's something just off the top of

732
00:36:49,920 --> 00:36:52,160
Speaker 1: my head. But I mean I think too that like

733
00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:54,719
Speaker 1: I also have seen this thing, and I've seen it

734
00:36:54,760 --> 00:36:56,360
Speaker 1: in the last few years and I find it to

735
00:36:56,440 --> 00:36:59,919
Speaker 1: be really interesting that a lot of times we take

736
00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:04,799
Speaker 1: something like depression or anxiety and we build an identity

737
00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:08,120
Speaker 1: out of it. And to me, that's fascinating because I

738
00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:10,640
Speaker 1: would never want to say that my anxiety, like my

739
00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:14,920
Speaker 1: anxiety is my defining factor, or depression is my defining factor.

740
00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:17,239
Speaker 1: And I think we have to be really careful with

741
00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:20,040
Speaker 1: that because in a lot of ways we are saying,

742
00:37:20,160 --> 00:37:22,400
Speaker 1: like the essence of me and the core of me

743
00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:25,520
Speaker 1: is that I'm stuck in a depressive pit, and it's

744
00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:28,560
Speaker 1: fine to identify with that. I will tell anyone I

745
00:37:28,719 --> 00:37:32,239
Speaker 1: deal with depression. But again, my language that I use

746
00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:36,160
Speaker 1: is very intentional. I don't say I struggle with depression.

747
00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:39,400
Speaker 1: I say I deal with depression. That is something that

748
00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:44,120
Speaker 1: I do every single day, and it means that I,

749
00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:46,960
Speaker 1: as much as depression is a hard thing in my life,

750
00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:50,840
Speaker 1: it doesn't take my identity. It is not who I am.

751
00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:54,240
Speaker 1: I bring way more to the table than my mental illness.

752
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:57,319
Speaker 1: And I find it interesting to find people who's like

753
00:37:57,520 --> 00:38:02,080
Speaker 1: depression is their Instagram bio, depression is how they identify

754
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:04,560
Speaker 1: themselves on Twitter, and I want to say, like, no,

755
00:38:04,719 --> 00:38:07,000
Speaker 1: don't give it that credit, Like you can't give it

756
00:38:07,040 --> 00:38:09,920
Speaker 1: that credit. Like it's a hard battle, yes, and you

757
00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:13,080
Speaker 1: should tell your story, but like there is far more

758
00:38:13,239 --> 00:38:16,959
Speaker 1: for you in this lifetime than your depression. And so

759
00:38:17,360 --> 00:38:19,359
Speaker 1: I always have to kind of tow that line because

760
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:22,720
Speaker 1: I know people love that I talk about mental health,

761
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:24,879
Speaker 1: but like, at the end of the day, I am

762
00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:27,960
Speaker 1: not my depression. Like my depression does not have that

763
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:31,640
Speaker 1: hold on me. That's not where your story starts or ends. Yeah,

764
00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:33,880
Speaker 1: but a lot of people let it stay there, and

765
00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:36,359
Speaker 1: they stay in that depression for years. And I would

766
00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:39,200
Speaker 1: want somebody to know, like, you can get out of this.

767
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:41,759
Speaker 1: I believe that you can get out of this. And

768
00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:44,560
Speaker 1: they're gonna be good days and hard days, and maybe

769
00:38:44,600 --> 00:38:47,640
Speaker 1: you try different medications and one works and one doesn't work,

770
00:38:47,719 --> 00:38:50,680
Speaker 1: but like you have to keep making those steps. When

771
00:38:50,760 --> 00:38:53,680
Speaker 1: I think that, I see that all the time, all

772
00:38:53,719 --> 00:38:55,920
Speaker 1: of the time. I saw it a lot when I

773
00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:58,600
Speaker 1: worked in a residential treatment center, when people it was

774
00:38:58,680 --> 00:39:01,600
Speaker 1: just like it's that they didn't want to get out

775
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:06,760
Speaker 1: of something, but you somewhat become addicted to it because

776
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:09,840
Speaker 1: for some people gives them certain things. It might give them.

777
00:39:10,080 --> 00:39:12,759
Speaker 1: And this is not to say this is what everybody does.

778
00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:15,880
Speaker 1: But I have seen where it gives somebody an identity

779
00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:18,960
Speaker 1: where they haven't had an identity. It gives somebody a

780
00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:22,239
Speaker 1: way to get connection because people are worried about them,

781
00:39:22,440 --> 00:39:24,840
Speaker 1: or it allows people to not do the hard, scary

782
00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:27,800
Speaker 1: thing that's been looming in the back of their head forever,

783
00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:30,600
Speaker 1: and so we get addicted it. It's so backwards, and

784
00:39:30,640 --> 00:39:33,319
Speaker 1: people are so confused when I bring it up to

785
00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:35,480
Speaker 1: them because they're like, what, No, I would never do that.

786
00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:37,560
Speaker 1: I would never want this, And I'm like, well, I

787
00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:40,640
Speaker 1: think you might, because I think it might be giving

788
00:39:40,680 --> 00:39:43,719
Speaker 1: you something or helping you do something that you think

789
00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:46,360
Speaker 1: you can't do. Without this, it can operate as a

790
00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:49,600
Speaker 1: really great excuse too, and like not to like belittle

791
00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:52,520
Speaker 1: where people are on the map. It would be much

792
00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:54,680
Speaker 1: easier to say, well, I don't I have depressions, so

793
00:39:54,719 --> 00:39:57,640
Speaker 1: I can't do this, so I can't get on stage,

794
00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:01,799
Speaker 1: and like I mean, I speak around the country all

795
00:40:01,920 --> 00:40:04,200
Speaker 1: the time, well not in the COVID world, but you

796
00:40:04,239 --> 00:40:07,000
Speaker 1: know what I mean. And I want people to know,

797
00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:10,080
Speaker 1: like I have pretty big anxiety when it comes to

798
00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:12,560
Speaker 1: being on stage. There I would rather be anywhere else

799
00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:14,840
Speaker 1: in the world than on stage. But just because I

800
00:40:14,880 --> 00:40:17,600
Speaker 1: have that anxiety does not mean that anxiety is going

801
00:40:17,640 --> 00:40:20,399
Speaker 1: to change the outcome of what I intend to do.

802
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:22,719
Speaker 1: I will still show up, I will still do what

803
00:40:22,800 --> 00:40:26,000
Speaker 1: I am called to do because that anxiety does not

804
00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:28,640
Speaker 1: get to have the final say yeah, like it's not

805
00:40:28,920 --> 00:40:30,760
Speaker 1: if you're not letting it be somewhat of a robber.

806
00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:33,279
Speaker 1: And I look at anxiety a lot of times as

807
00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:36,160
Speaker 1: it it's a fancy word for fear for some people.

808
00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:39,120
Speaker 1: That's how it operates, and when we feel fear around

809
00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:42,400
Speaker 1: things that we care about. So I have more anxiety

810
00:40:42,400 --> 00:40:44,520
Speaker 1: than most people I know, but I'm the same way

811
00:40:44,560 --> 00:40:47,279
Speaker 1: of like what am I gonna do? Not do anything

812
00:40:47,560 --> 00:40:50,279
Speaker 1: or or look at it as I'm scared of this

813
00:40:50,719 --> 00:40:56,280
Speaker 1: because it is so important to me anyway, Yeah, yeah, totally.

814
00:40:56,320 --> 00:40:58,040
Speaker 1: So I love that. And then the other part you

815
00:40:58,040 --> 00:41:00,480
Speaker 1: said right before that when you're talking about you almost

816
00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:03,759
Speaker 1: using those words too much right now, it's like it's

817
00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:06,280
Speaker 1: funny and I enjoy parts of it on social media,

818
00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:08,880
Speaker 1: but like anxiety is a big joke, Like it's just

819
00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:13,000
Speaker 1: it's one big meme joke. And I like that we're

820
00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:16,239
Speaker 1: talking about it, and I like that we're talking about

821
00:41:16,280 --> 00:41:19,160
Speaker 1: depression anxiety at the same time, there's a difference between

822
00:41:19,719 --> 00:41:24,560
Speaker 1: feelings and a mental illness, and it's not a fine line,

823
00:41:24,719 --> 00:41:28,719
Speaker 1: like everybody has feelings and not everybody suffers from anxiety

824
00:41:28,719 --> 00:41:31,759
Speaker 1: and depression. And so I agree with you, uh, and

825
00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:34,399
Speaker 1: I don't even know how to change that. I don't

826
00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:37,719
Speaker 1: know how to fix that, but I totally agree with

827
00:41:37,760 --> 00:41:41,400
Speaker 1: you there. And for you, how do you identify the

828
00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:44,839
Speaker 1: difference between being somebody who has struggled with you have

829
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:47,600
Speaker 1: feelings and then you've also been in this realm of

830
00:41:47,800 --> 00:41:52,160
Speaker 1: I'm suffering from depression and real clinical anxiety. How have

831
00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:56,000
Speaker 1: you been able to differentiate between I'm sad and this

832
00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:57,920
Speaker 1: is more than sadness. I mean, I think at the

833
00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:00,239
Speaker 1: end of the day, like to me, the out comes

834
00:42:00,239 --> 00:42:02,160
Speaker 1: there both the same of what I need to show

835
00:42:02,239 --> 00:42:05,080
Speaker 1: up to do um like that doesn't change. So like,

836
00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:08,320
Speaker 1: for instance, I had a baby seven months ago and

837
00:42:09,080 --> 00:42:10,840
Speaker 1: I knew I was at a much higher rate for

838
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:15,680
Speaker 1: postpartum depression and your hormones are up there, down there everywhere,

839
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:18,640
Speaker 1: and I prepared, I kind of like created my battle

840
00:42:18,719 --> 00:42:21,120
Speaker 1: plan for like what's going to happen if I do

841
00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:24,680
Speaker 1: have postpartum And like if you when you have a baby,

842
00:42:24,719 --> 00:42:26,960
Speaker 1: like they'll give you all these like like they'll give

843
00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:30,240
Speaker 1: you like this timeline of like on day five to seven,

844
00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:33,040
Speaker 1: you might feel this and dad. So I was in

845
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:36,879
Speaker 1: that part where this was the these are the days

846
00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:39,000
Speaker 1: where you're going to cry the most and you're just

847
00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:42,000
Speaker 1: gonna cry for no reason at all, and like I

848
00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:45,759
Speaker 1: remember those days because I was terrified of like is

849
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:48,640
Speaker 1: this it? Do I have postpartum? Like am I in this?

850
00:42:48,920 --> 00:42:51,040
Speaker 1: Like are we gonna do this for the next seven

851
00:42:51,480 --> 00:42:54,399
Speaker 1: eight weeks? Because I'm not somebody who like then, I'll

852
00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:58,040
Speaker 1: say this very openly, I was not somebody who immediately

853
00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:01,839
Speaker 1: norbally came with me, they put her on top of me,

854
00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:03,840
Speaker 1: and I felt all the love in the world. That

855
00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:06,680
Speaker 1: didn't happen for me. Um, I was more like, what

856
00:43:06,800 --> 00:43:10,160
Speaker 1: the heck just happened? Like I just had a baby,

857
00:43:10,200 --> 00:43:15,400
Speaker 1: and that was very traumatic, and I felt guilty the

858
00:43:15,440 --> 00:43:17,319
Speaker 1: first few weeks of her life that I was not

859
00:43:17,520 --> 00:43:21,080
Speaker 1: obsessed with her, that every breath she took wasn't like

860
00:43:21,160 --> 00:43:24,960
Speaker 1: the most radiant thing I'd ever experienced. But I talked

861
00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:27,680
Speaker 1: to a lot of friends that being able to have

862
00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:31,279
Speaker 1: these conversations, I was realizing, oh wait, no, like I'm

863
00:43:31,680 --> 00:43:34,520
Speaker 1: in the right place. We just don't have these conversations.

864
00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:37,240
Speaker 1: We just don't talk about this that like my love

865
00:43:37,320 --> 00:43:40,520
Speaker 1: for her will grow over time, just as it does

866
00:43:40,560 --> 00:43:43,040
Speaker 1: other humans. Like it was actually my therapist that was

867
00:43:43,080 --> 00:43:44,839
Speaker 1: the one that gave me the most clarity on that.

868
00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:47,120
Speaker 1: And she was like, if you came to me and

869
00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:50,200
Speaker 1: you were like, I'm obsessed with my baby, I would

870
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:53,919
Speaker 1: probably say, what's going on? Really, because that's not how

871
00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:57,279
Speaker 1: you approach anything in life, any relationship that you have,

872
00:43:57,480 --> 00:44:00,399
Speaker 1: it is a slow build over time. So why would

873
00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:03,000
Speaker 1: you expect for this to be different. I'm so glad

874
00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:05,040
Speaker 1: you said that. I'm so glad you said that because

875
00:44:05,080 --> 00:44:08,840
Speaker 1: nobody talks about that. Nobody people will talk about I

876
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:11,960
Speaker 1: think people will somewhat, we'll talk about postpartum. But to

877
00:44:12,320 --> 00:44:14,560
Speaker 1: be able to say I didn't feel that thing that

878
00:44:14,719 --> 00:44:17,080
Speaker 1: we're quote unquote supposed to feel, the thing that we

879
00:44:17,080 --> 00:44:20,319
Speaker 1: write the Instagram caption about. She came and I've never

880
00:44:20,360 --> 00:44:22,680
Speaker 1: felt a love like this. And I was like, did

881
00:44:22,719 --> 00:44:25,439
Speaker 1: I do something wrong? Because like I love her, for sure,

882
00:44:25,480 --> 00:44:28,480
Speaker 1: I love her, but like I am very much kind

883
00:44:28,480 --> 00:44:31,840
Speaker 1: of like what is happening. I'm not sleeping. My body

884
00:44:31,880 --> 00:44:34,000
Speaker 1: does not look like my body. There's a lot going

885
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:36,879
Speaker 1: on there. What's it like for you to say that,

886
00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:39,480
Speaker 1: to say, to admit all that, Yeah, I mean, you've

887
00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:41,239
Speaker 1: processed it with a therapist. But what's it like for

888
00:44:41,280 --> 00:44:43,640
Speaker 1: you to say that, I mean, I feel like I

889
00:44:43,680 --> 00:44:46,560
Speaker 1: guess good. I mean, I think to like, I I

890
00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:48,600
Speaker 1: still know like this is one of the first times

891
00:44:48,640 --> 00:44:52,480
Speaker 1: that I've actually like vocalized that. And I've learned throughout

892
00:44:52,600 --> 00:44:55,360
Speaker 1: my journey of motherhood that if I just say what

893
00:44:55,440 --> 00:44:58,320
Speaker 1: I'm honestly feeling and what I felt the whole time

894
00:44:58,360 --> 00:45:00,799
Speaker 1: and just been honest, I actually I'm giving a lot

895
00:45:00,840 --> 00:45:04,120
Speaker 1: of people permission to feel like they can do the same.

896
00:45:04,239 --> 00:45:07,680
Speaker 1: And that's been very surprising to me. I guess because

897
00:45:07,719 --> 00:45:11,000
Speaker 1: for me, having been somebody who deals with depression when

898
00:45:11,040 --> 00:45:14,319
Speaker 1: I'm at a higher rate for postpartum, I planned for

899
00:45:14,360 --> 00:45:17,960
Speaker 1: what it was gonna look like afterwards. I'm somebody who

900
00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:21,600
Speaker 1: you know, I made the decision not to breastfeed, not

901
00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:24,280
Speaker 1: because don't believe in the benefits of breastfeeding, but because

902
00:45:24,320 --> 00:45:27,759
Speaker 1: I believed that was actually going to be a very stifling,

903
00:45:27,880 --> 00:45:32,760
Speaker 1: unhealthy experience for me, that I was gonna feel very isolated,

904
00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:35,919
Speaker 1: and I every day. I am so thankful I knew

905
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:38,560
Speaker 1: myself enough to make that choice. And if anything, I

906
00:45:38,600 --> 00:45:41,160
Speaker 1: would say to moms, like, make the choice that is

907
00:45:41,200 --> 00:45:43,160
Speaker 1: going to allow you to show up to be the

908
00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:47,319
Speaker 1: best version of yourself for that baby, because America is

909
00:45:47,400 --> 00:45:50,959
Speaker 1: one of the only countries that like puts the mom

910
00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:54,360
Speaker 1: in the background, like in all these other countries, we

911
00:45:54,440 --> 00:45:58,040
Speaker 1: pay attention to the fact that you just carried a

912
00:45:58,239 --> 00:46:00,520
Speaker 1: life for nine months. If you don't think that's going

913
00:46:00,560 --> 00:46:03,239
Speaker 1: to have an effect on your body, your hormones, your

914
00:46:03,239 --> 00:46:07,120
Speaker 1: well being, Like, we need more support for moms in that.

915
00:46:07,280 --> 00:46:09,840
Speaker 1: And I think that, like maybe because when I was

916
00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:11,520
Speaker 1: at that point where I thought, oh my gosh, this

917
00:46:11,600 --> 00:46:14,560
Speaker 1: this postpartum. Did it just show up? I had this

918
00:46:14,680 --> 00:46:17,760
Speaker 1: moment of clarity where I was able to say, Hannah,

919
00:46:18,080 --> 00:46:20,840
Speaker 1: if this is postpartum and this is the long haul,

920
00:46:21,400 --> 00:46:24,640
Speaker 1: isn't going to look any different than what you are

921
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:27,319
Speaker 1: showing up to do right now. And the answer was no.

922
00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:29,759
Speaker 1: I had my battle plan in place. I knew what

923
00:46:29,840 --> 00:46:31,600
Speaker 1: I was supposed to be doing. I need the foods

924
00:46:31,600 --> 00:46:33,880
Speaker 1: that I needed to eat. I needed to move my body,

925
00:46:33,920 --> 00:46:35,719
Speaker 1: I needed to be in the word, I needed to

926
00:46:35,760 --> 00:46:39,520
Speaker 1: stay surrounded all of that was going to be put

927
00:46:39,560 --> 00:46:42,800
Speaker 1: into practice, whether I had to fight the hard battle

928
00:46:42,920 --> 00:46:45,439
Speaker 1: or not. And like, thankfully I didn't have to fight

929
00:46:45,480 --> 00:46:48,319
Speaker 1: that battle, but the battle plan still would have been

930
00:46:48,320 --> 00:46:51,000
Speaker 1: in place. And so with the question that you had

931
00:46:51,000 --> 00:46:54,320
Speaker 1: asked about, like between the sadness and then the actual depression,

932
00:46:54,760 --> 00:46:58,279
Speaker 1: the remedy is always the same, you know, it's always okay.

933
00:46:58,640 --> 00:47:01,399
Speaker 1: I can usually if I'm going through kind of a pit,

934
00:47:01,600 --> 00:47:04,600
Speaker 1: like a time where I'm feeling pretty somber, I can

935
00:47:04,680 --> 00:47:07,880
Speaker 1: usually look at my life and say, what's off balance

936
00:47:08,040 --> 00:47:11,879
Speaker 1: right now? Of those things, what am I neglecting? Okay,

937
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:15,920
Speaker 1: let's refocus in on that. And usually that's a missing

938
00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:18,640
Speaker 1: piece for me. Yeah, I like that of Like, the

939
00:47:18,680 --> 00:47:21,640
Speaker 1: experiences are can be very different, but the remedy is

940
00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:24,840
Speaker 1: somewhat the same. Sometimes you need more of something. But

941
00:47:25,040 --> 00:47:28,319
Speaker 1: also that that sadness that you feel can be a Now,

942
00:47:28,400 --> 00:47:30,120
Speaker 1: sadness can just be a feeling that you have and

943
00:47:30,160 --> 00:47:32,560
Speaker 1: that's okay to have it, but if you're having a

944
00:47:32,680 --> 00:47:35,239
Speaker 1: long standing sadness, it could be a red flag for

945
00:47:35,400 --> 00:47:38,200
Speaker 1: this is you're about to go down this road. Hey,

946
00:47:38,200 --> 00:47:40,239
Speaker 1: where all your things are you doing? All your things

947
00:47:40,360 --> 00:47:41,960
Speaker 1: are you doing? All your things, and my mom will

948
00:47:42,000 --> 00:47:43,840
Speaker 1: call me and be like, are you doing all your things?

949
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:47,480
Speaker 1: And I'm like, no, I'm not, like I'm eating like

950
00:47:47,640 --> 00:47:50,799
Speaker 1: craft or like, no, I had some wine last night,

951
00:47:50,840 --> 00:47:53,440
Speaker 1: and so I probably feel really depressed today because like

952
00:47:54,000 --> 00:47:56,359
Speaker 1: my body is just more sensitive and I need to

953
00:47:56,560 --> 00:47:58,680
Speaker 1: We need to know our bodies. And for me, as

954
00:47:58,680 --> 00:48:01,319
Speaker 1: somebody who is a Christian, that's been a battle I've

955
00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:03,840
Speaker 1: had to fight because I think in the Christian community

956
00:48:04,200 --> 00:48:06,480
Speaker 1: it can very easily be if you just have faith,

957
00:48:06,480 --> 00:48:09,319
Speaker 1: it all works out. And I'm like, hold up, no, no,

958
00:48:09,920 --> 00:48:13,320
Speaker 1: Like I believe that like God designed us all very differently,

959
00:48:13,440 --> 00:48:15,920
Speaker 1: meaning what works for you is not always going to

960
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:18,319
Speaker 1: work for me. Like I know myself well enough to

961
00:48:18,320 --> 00:48:21,239
Speaker 1: know I have lower serotonin levels and so I need

962
00:48:21,280 --> 00:48:25,160
Speaker 1: to show up physically to figure out how to remedy

963
00:48:25,239 --> 00:48:27,560
Speaker 1: that thing. It is not just faith that is going

964
00:48:27,600 --> 00:48:30,239
Speaker 1: to pull me from this pit. And so that's where

965
00:48:30,239 --> 00:48:32,200
Speaker 1: I spent a lot of my time trying to like

966
00:48:32,560 --> 00:48:35,760
Speaker 1: squash the myths that come with like faith and mental health.

967
00:48:36,120 --> 00:48:39,320
Speaker 1: Thank you for saying that, because I'm also a Christian,

968
00:48:39,520 --> 00:48:41,600
Speaker 1: and that's one of the things that I've loved about

969
00:48:41,640 --> 00:48:44,319
Speaker 1: your writing is the combination of your story and your

970
00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:47,880
Speaker 1: relationship with your faith along this and for you, what

971
00:48:48,080 --> 00:48:52,120
Speaker 1: is has that shifted and changed? And what have you learned?

972
00:48:52,560 --> 00:48:55,000
Speaker 1: This is a question that I'm very curious about. What

973
00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:59,560
Speaker 1: what have you learned about God through your journey with

974
00:48:59,600 --> 00:49:03,400
Speaker 1: your mental health? Like, what have you learned about that relationship?

975
00:49:04,120 --> 00:49:07,479
Speaker 1: So much? I mean so much. I attribute a lot

976
00:49:07,520 --> 00:49:10,440
Speaker 1: of like coming out of this to God and his grace,

977
00:49:10,640 --> 00:49:12,719
Speaker 1: but also a lot of hard work and a lot

978
00:49:12,800 --> 00:49:15,400
Speaker 1: of people that God led me to. God led me

979
00:49:15,440 --> 00:49:18,120
Speaker 1: to my therapist, He led me to my psychiatrist, And

980
00:49:18,640 --> 00:49:20,839
Speaker 1: I think what I've learned the biggest thing that I've

981
00:49:20,920 --> 00:49:22,799
Speaker 1: learned is that God, at the end of the day

982
00:49:23,000 --> 00:49:26,360
Speaker 1: is not a feeling. You either believe that God is

983
00:49:26,360 --> 00:49:29,120
Speaker 1: who he says he is or you believe that like

984
00:49:29,280 --> 00:49:32,200
Speaker 1: he left out the back door in the middle of

985
00:49:32,200 --> 00:49:34,359
Speaker 1: the night and didn't come back right. And that's because

986
00:49:34,360 --> 00:49:37,680
Speaker 1: your feelings tell you that. And so for me, I

987
00:49:37,800 --> 00:49:40,520
Speaker 1: used to operate my faith based on my feelings, and

988
00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:43,680
Speaker 1: it never really did me well, Like it's great when

989
00:49:43,719 --> 00:49:46,840
Speaker 1: you're feeling awesome and amazing and like God is good,

990
00:49:47,120 --> 00:49:49,200
Speaker 1: and then you're in the pit and you think God

991
00:49:49,360 --> 00:49:51,440
Speaker 1: is not there, and that's just because your feelings are

992
00:49:51,480 --> 00:49:54,600
Speaker 1: telling you that. But like my friend told me when

993
00:49:54,600 --> 00:49:57,040
Speaker 1: I was going through this depression, she was just like,

994
00:49:57,080 --> 00:49:59,560
Speaker 1: you know, like the way that you show up to

995
00:49:59,600 --> 00:50:03,759
Speaker 1: fight changes based on what you believe about God in

996
00:50:03,760 --> 00:50:06,360
Speaker 1: this circumstance. And she was like, I've noticed, I've watched you,

997
00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:09,000
Speaker 1: and she sinking. When you are confident that God is

998
00:50:09,040 --> 00:50:11,439
Speaker 1: bringing you out of this, you show up and you fight,

999
00:50:11,880 --> 00:50:14,359
Speaker 1: and then when you stop thinking that God is here,

1000
00:50:14,600 --> 00:50:17,120
Speaker 1: you fall right back into that pit. And that was

1001
00:50:17,160 --> 00:50:20,719
Speaker 1: a mindset shift, and I really had to retrain my

1002
00:50:20,800 --> 00:50:24,239
Speaker 1: brain and retrain my mind, and that is not a

1003
00:50:24,320 --> 00:50:26,600
Speaker 1: one and done thing. I am still in the process

1004
00:50:26,640 --> 00:50:28,719
Speaker 1: of doing that. But like, I think, what I've learned

1005
00:50:28,719 --> 00:50:32,279
Speaker 1: about faith is that it's not this conceptual thing that

1006
00:50:32,360 --> 00:50:35,520
Speaker 1: we think it is. The Bible is actually a very

1007
00:50:35,560 --> 00:50:38,359
Speaker 1: practical book. There's a lot of things to be put

1008
00:50:38,400 --> 00:50:43,200
Speaker 1: into practice, like, for example, taking every thought captive. That

1009
00:50:43,400 --> 00:50:47,319
Speaker 1: is a mental health thing right there. It is like, no,

1010
00:50:47,520 --> 00:50:49,560
Speaker 1: you need to look at your thoughts, you need to

1011
00:50:49,680 --> 00:50:52,120
Speaker 1: place them down on the page where it is you

1012
00:50:52,120 --> 00:50:53,960
Speaker 1: can examine them, and you need to figure out how

1013
00:50:54,000 --> 00:50:57,200
Speaker 1: to change those thoughts. For hers better truth to you.

1014
00:50:57,719 --> 00:51:01,600
Speaker 1: And like, I think about David, who was definitely definitely depressed,

1015
00:51:01,680 --> 00:51:04,479
Speaker 1: and um, a lot of those songs are like whoa dude?

1016
00:51:04,600 --> 00:51:08,680
Speaker 1: Like somebody needed LEXI pro um. But like and I

1017
00:51:08,760 --> 00:51:10,480
Speaker 1: feel like say that you don't even need to take

1018
00:51:10,480 --> 00:51:14,239
Speaker 1: that out because I believe that in my he's but

1019
00:51:14,360 --> 00:51:16,879
Speaker 1: you can read the songs and be like, he is up,

1020
00:51:16,960 --> 00:51:19,640
Speaker 1: he is down, he is up, he is down. And

1021
00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:24,839
Speaker 1: in Sound forty two, he literally says, why are you downcast?

1022
00:51:24,880 --> 00:51:27,840
Speaker 1: Oh my soul? And we know that we know that first,

1023
00:51:27,880 --> 00:51:30,799
Speaker 1: we've heard that first, but in actuality, like, look what

1024
00:51:30,880 --> 00:51:34,360
Speaker 1: he's doing. He's literally talking to his soul. He's having

1025
00:51:34,400 --> 00:51:37,160
Speaker 1: some soul talk to be like, hey, what's going on

1026
00:51:37,239 --> 00:51:39,399
Speaker 1: inside of you? Like what's up? And I think that

1027
00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:42,560
Speaker 1: that's important for people that deal with mental illness to

1028
00:51:42,600 --> 00:51:45,359
Speaker 1: realize there needs to be some separation between the things

1029
00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:48,800
Speaker 1: you think and the truth you know. Um, So sometimes

1030
00:51:48,840 --> 00:51:50,560
Speaker 1: I need to have that soul talk with myself to

1031
00:51:50,600 --> 00:51:53,279
Speaker 1: be like, Hannah, what is going on? Like you are

1032
00:51:53,840 --> 00:51:57,879
Speaker 1: sad right now? Like what, like, let's talk about this,

1033
00:51:58,000 --> 00:52:00,400
Speaker 1: Let's approach this from a different angle. I'm not just

1034
00:52:00,440 --> 00:52:03,120
Speaker 1: going to assume because I am sad. That's it. I'm

1035
00:52:03,160 --> 00:52:05,759
Speaker 1: sad for the rest of my life. So yeah, I

1036
00:52:05,840 --> 00:52:08,400
Speaker 1: just think that there's so much in the Word of

1037
00:52:08,440 --> 00:52:11,560
Speaker 1: God that is for everyday life. It is not a

1038
00:52:11,600 --> 00:52:14,520
Speaker 1: book that was written thousands of years ago that's like

1039
00:52:14,719 --> 00:52:17,000
Speaker 1: good for like a verse to go on a coffee cup.

1040
00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:21,480
Speaker 1: I'm like, this book is so rich and nuanced and

1041
00:52:21,640 --> 00:52:25,040
Speaker 1: crazy and weird, and like, I wish we could appreciate

1042
00:52:25,120 --> 00:52:28,640
Speaker 1: it for that. Yes, yeah, I wish we could just

1043
00:52:28,680 --> 00:52:31,400
Speaker 1: take that and like make it into like something that

1044
00:52:31,400 --> 00:52:33,520
Speaker 1: people see in a billboard. There's so much passion in

1045
00:52:33,560 --> 00:52:37,240
Speaker 1: what you just said. That's amazing. The episode David Makeing

1046
00:52:37,360 --> 00:52:45,360
Speaker 1: Lexi brot you, you would probably say, right, can you

1047
00:52:45,400 --> 00:52:48,360
Speaker 1: agree with me? Like I think, so he's good and

1048
00:52:48,400 --> 00:52:51,120
Speaker 1: then he is not good, all in a single sentence.

1049
00:52:51,360 --> 00:52:54,920
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that was great. But no, I just

1050
00:52:55,200 --> 00:52:58,040
Speaker 1: appreciate all that so much because I think a lot

1051
00:52:58,080 --> 00:53:01,040
Speaker 1: of There's a couple of things that were I was

1052
00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:03,640
Speaker 1: thinking in my head as you were going. But one

1053
00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:08,520
Speaker 1: is we are told pray, pray, pray, pray, pray more,

1054
00:53:08,719 --> 00:53:11,400
Speaker 1: or have more faith or do that, and it's like, okay,

1055
00:53:11,440 --> 00:53:14,520
Speaker 1: there is action that comes with that. It's that story. Um,

1056
00:53:14,560 --> 00:53:16,759
Speaker 1: have you heard that story about the guy who's like

1057
00:53:16,800 --> 00:53:18,640
Speaker 1: there's a flood and he's like on top of a house.

1058
00:53:18,920 --> 00:53:21,000
Speaker 1: He's praying to God to come save him. And a

1059
00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:22,880
Speaker 1: boat passes by and it's like, hey, come hoping my

1060
00:53:22,920 --> 00:53:25,279
Speaker 1: boat and he's like, no, God's gonna save me. So

1061
00:53:25,320 --> 00:53:28,200
Speaker 1: the guy leaves and then a helicopter comes down and

1062
00:53:28,239 --> 00:53:30,799
Speaker 1: he drops a rope and he's like, grab on here,

1063
00:53:30,800 --> 00:53:32,719
Speaker 1: we'll take you to land. And he's like no, no,

1064
00:53:32,760 --> 00:53:36,040
Speaker 1: God's gonna save me. And then he dies gets to heaven.

1065
00:53:36,040 --> 00:53:37,520
Speaker 1: It's like, God, why didn't you save me? He's like,

1066
00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:40,960
Speaker 1: I sent you a boat and a helicopter. What like what?

1067
00:53:41,560 --> 00:53:44,439
Speaker 1: And it's like you we have to we we pray, Yeah,

1068
00:53:44,480 --> 00:53:46,040
Speaker 1: we pray and we have faith and then we do

1069
00:53:46,080 --> 00:53:48,560
Speaker 1: the work and that and that was huge in the

1070
00:53:48,640 --> 00:53:52,120
Speaker 1: in this fight, like through that four months. Just remember

1071
00:53:52,239 --> 00:53:56,000
Speaker 1: because like it was very nuanced with people in the

1072
00:53:56,040 --> 00:53:58,400
Speaker 1: mental health community, and then this faith aspect of it,

1073
00:53:58,440 --> 00:54:00,440
Speaker 1: because there was a pocket of people that believed if

1074
00:54:00,480 --> 00:54:03,000
Speaker 1: I just prayed and had faith and repentant of whatever

1075
00:54:03,120 --> 00:54:05,280
Speaker 1: was inside of me, I was going to be better.

1076
00:54:05,520 --> 00:54:07,719
Speaker 1: And there were so many things that like me and

1077
00:54:07,760 --> 00:54:09,520
Speaker 1: my mom look back on and we're like, what the

1078
00:54:09,680 --> 00:54:11,920
Speaker 1: crap was on all about? Like what why did that

1079
00:54:11,960 --> 00:54:14,560
Speaker 1: even happen? Like that doesn't even serve a purpose in

1080
00:54:14,560 --> 00:54:17,640
Speaker 1: the story, But we chalked it up to you know,

1081
00:54:17,719 --> 00:54:20,160
Speaker 1: it was just another way to say to God, Hey,

1082
00:54:20,200 --> 00:54:23,000
Speaker 1: I'm going to continue stepping, I'm going to keep moving.

1083
00:54:23,160 --> 00:54:26,279
Speaker 1: I know this might seem crazy, but I'm desperate right

1084
00:54:26,320 --> 00:54:28,279
Speaker 1: now to move out of this pit because like at

1085
00:54:28,280 --> 00:54:31,160
Speaker 1: one point, I like drove to Massachusetts with a friend

1086
00:54:31,160 --> 00:54:33,960
Speaker 1: who was sure that this woman in Massachusetts could heal me.

1087
00:54:34,280 --> 00:54:37,520
Speaker 1: And this lady like led me through some repentance process

1088
00:54:37,560 --> 00:54:41,399
Speaker 1: for like ex boyfriends, and it was weird. And I'm

1089
00:54:41,440 --> 00:54:44,000
Speaker 1: like sitting at the cheesecake factory in Massachusetts, like what

1090
00:54:44,200 --> 00:54:46,480
Speaker 1: is happening in my life right now? What is going on?

1091
00:54:47,000 --> 00:54:49,839
Speaker 1: But I look back and I think, Okay, But like

1092
00:54:50,280 --> 00:54:52,560
Speaker 1: I was willing to say, I'll go there God, because

1093
00:54:52,840 --> 00:54:56,279
Speaker 1: this might be the thing. Who knows it wasn't because

1094
00:54:56,280 --> 00:54:59,920
Speaker 1: I very much believe in therapists, and thank you then,

1095
00:55:00,080 --> 00:55:03,200
Speaker 1: so yes, I believe in doctors that went to school

1096
00:55:03,239 --> 00:55:06,319
Speaker 1: for these things. But there are plenty of people too, though,

1097
00:55:06,520 --> 00:55:10,400
Speaker 1: that have prayed and have felt a miracle from God

1098
00:55:10,480 --> 00:55:13,239
Speaker 1: and have been healed instantly. But I think we have

1099
00:55:13,400 --> 00:55:17,280
Speaker 1: to be really careful to understand that might be somebody's story,

1100
00:55:17,320 --> 00:55:19,320
Speaker 1: but that that might not be your story. And I

1101
00:55:19,400 --> 00:55:21,640
Speaker 1: mean I even got a message from a girl months

1102
00:55:21,640 --> 00:55:23,480
Speaker 1: ago that just was like, I just have to let

1103
00:55:23,520 --> 00:55:25,399
Speaker 1: you know, like you're not leaning on the full faith

1104
00:55:25,440 --> 00:55:28,120
Speaker 1: of the Lord. My depression was healed instantly, and yours

1105
00:55:28,120 --> 00:55:30,080
Speaker 1: could if you believed more. And I just was like,

1106
00:55:30,640 --> 00:55:33,640
Speaker 1: hold up, chick, you don't want to go here with me,

1107
00:55:33,719 --> 00:55:38,879
Speaker 1: because like, I'm not mad about this for myself, I'm

1108
00:55:38,880 --> 00:55:41,200
Speaker 1: mad about this for the people. You might say this too,

1109
00:55:41,239 --> 00:55:43,520
Speaker 1: and then they think they're broken and they're damaged and

1110
00:55:43,600 --> 00:55:45,520
Speaker 1: God is not showing up for them. My God has

1111
00:55:45,520 --> 00:55:49,120
Speaker 1: shown up at every juncture for me. And if I

1112
00:55:49,160 --> 00:55:52,080
Speaker 1: am still walking this out, that just means that God

1113
00:55:52,120 --> 00:55:54,640
Speaker 1: thinks I am someone to be partnered with in these

1114
00:55:54,680 --> 00:55:59,360
Speaker 1: unfinished stories. Like oh, I get very passionate about getting

1115
00:55:59,400 --> 00:56:02,120
Speaker 1: like teary because I'm like, yeah, you your story is

1116
00:56:02,160 --> 00:56:06,120
Speaker 1: a miracle still. Your just story involved different steps, but

1117
00:56:06,200 --> 00:56:08,960
Speaker 1: you're it's still a miracle that you went from feeling

1118
00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:11,640
Speaker 1: what you were feeling to where you are now. Like

1119
00:56:11,880 --> 00:56:14,840
Speaker 1: that's still it's just a different kind of miracle. So yeah,

1120
00:56:15,080 --> 00:56:17,439
Speaker 1: and I think that that's like something just like that's

1121
00:56:17,440 --> 00:56:21,120
Speaker 1: important to say overarchingly, is that people say very well

1122
00:56:21,200 --> 00:56:24,920
Speaker 1: meaning intentions things to people that have depression or mental illness,

1123
00:56:25,000 --> 00:56:28,080
Speaker 1: but like sometimes this is not the invitation to come

1124
00:56:28,120 --> 00:56:30,279
Speaker 1: in and tell them all the things that they need

1125
00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:32,880
Speaker 1: to do. Like I think if you were close with someone,

1126
00:56:32,920 --> 00:56:35,359
Speaker 1: if you are walking with somebody through the thick of it,

1127
00:56:35,640 --> 00:56:38,239
Speaker 1: you will know when the door is cracked open to say, hey,

1128
00:56:38,280 --> 00:56:40,799
Speaker 1: I think maybe you should try this, But I think

1129
00:56:41,040 --> 00:56:43,759
Speaker 1: you just can't show up be like hey do this

1130
00:56:43,760 --> 00:56:46,000
Speaker 1: this this, get it right, come on, let's go Like

1131
00:56:46,120 --> 00:56:48,839
Speaker 1: it doesn't work that way. That's actually ends up being

1132
00:56:48,840 --> 00:56:51,879
Speaker 1: a lot more harmful than it is good. Yeah, I'm

1133
00:56:51,920 --> 00:56:54,400
Speaker 1: sorry that person said that to you. It's okay. I

1134
00:56:54,400 --> 00:56:56,640
Speaker 1: mean she didn't she didn't have a life to stand on.

1135
00:56:56,760 --> 00:56:58,560
Speaker 1: I wasn't. Did you respond? You responded to her, and

1136
00:56:58,600 --> 00:57:00,400
Speaker 1: I responded to her, But then i'm you did her

1137
00:57:00,440 --> 00:57:02,120
Speaker 1: And I told her I'm going to mute you because

1138
00:57:02,160 --> 00:57:04,439
Speaker 1: I think this is actually really damaging, and I hope

1139
00:57:04,480 --> 00:57:06,560
Speaker 1: that you're going to relook at your messaging for this,

1140
00:57:06,640 --> 00:57:09,400
Speaker 1: because she was not relenting. She did not want a

1141
00:57:09,440 --> 00:57:12,359
Speaker 1: conversation with me because she kept coming back at me,

1142
00:57:12,440 --> 00:57:16,040
Speaker 1: and I was just like, not today, Yeah, I don't

1143
00:57:16,760 --> 00:57:20,720
Speaker 1: like Gosh. Well. And then the other thing that I

1144
00:57:20,760 --> 00:57:22,400
Speaker 1: was thinking about when you were talking about the difference

1145
00:57:22,400 --> 00:57:25,280
Speaker 1: between like feelings and faith is you have talked about

1146
00:57:25,320 --> 00:57:28,120
Speaker 1: in your books. I think it was come at her here,

1147
00:57:28,560 --> 00:57:29,880
Speaker 1: but I don't know. I could have read this two

1148
00:57:29,920 --> 00:57:32,960
Speaker 1: days ago where you talk about there's a difference between

1149
00:57:33,680 --> 00:57:37,000
Speaker 1: having a feeling and hearing God, and I was probably

1150
00:57:37,160 --> 00:57:40,800
Speaker 1: come matter here, okay, okay, but maybe well, I swear

1151
00:57:40,840 --> 00:57:45,760
Speaker 1: it was you. Yeah. That is important because I think

1152
00:57:45,760 --> 00:57:48,840
Speaker 1: a lot of times we're looking for God to say go,

1153
00:57:49,240 --> 00:57:51,880
Speaker 1: or God to say stay, or God to say marry him,

1154
00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:54,640
Speaker 1: or God to say divorce him. And we can have

1155
00:57:54,680 --> 00:57:57,680
Speaker 1: feelings all day long and it doesn't mean that God

1156
00:57:57,800 --> 00:58:00,800
Speaker 1: is saying yes, no, left, right. Do you have to

1157
00:58:00,840 --> 00:58:03,080
Speaker 1: be able to differentiate them. I don't know if I'm

1158
00:58:03,080 --> 00:58:05,960
Speaker 1: totally there, But it's not every time you don't hear

1159
00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:08,680
Speaker 1: something or feel something, or everything you feel something, it's

1160
00:58:08,720 --> 00:58:12,760
Speaker 1: not always something from the Lord above saying do this.

1161
00:58:13,440 --> 00:58:14,960
Speaker 1: We have to be careful with that because I think

1162
00:58:14,960 --> 00:58:17,320
Speaker 1: a lot of people take it in the opposite direction

1163
00:58:17,360 --> 00:58:20,240
Speaker 1: of like I heard God say this, God said this,

1164
00:58:20,400 --> 00:58:23,000
Speaker 1: God said You're going to be my husband, and it's like,

1165
00:58:23,360 --> 00:58:27,280
Speaker 1: oh God, that's that's insane. And that, honestly, to me,

1166
00:58:27,360 --> 00:58:30,040
Speaker 1: that terrifies me because I think that's the reason that

1167
00:58:30,080 --> 00:58:32,680
Speaker 1: a lot of people walk away from faith to begin with,

1168
00:58:32,920 --> 00:58:35,560
Speaker 1: is because they thought they heard God so clearly and

1169
00:58:35,600 --> 00:58:37,720
Speaker 1: then it didn't work out how they thought it was.

1170
00:58:37,880 --> 00:58:40,120
Speaker 1: And I think we have to be very careful because

1171
00:58:40,160 --> 00:58:42,360
Speaker 1: I do believe that God speaks, but I also think

1172
00:58:42,400 --> 00:58:44,560
Speaker 1: that like the things we hear him speak, they need

1173
00:58:44,560 --> 00:58:47,800
Speaker 1: to be tested, they need to be like vetted, and

1174
00:58:47,840 --> 00:58:49,800
Speaker 1: we need to be open to the fact that like

1175
00:58:50,240 --> 00:58:53,640
Speaker 1: we are humans that like we have errors, like we

1176
00:58:53,760 --> 00:58:56,160
Speaker 1: get it wrong in that how have you learned to

1177
00:58:56,760 --> 00:58:59,760
Speaker 1: differentiate for yourself? Because sometimes we do get it wrong?

1178
00:58:59,800 --> 00:59:02,880
Speaker 1: But how do you tell the difference between Yeah, this

1179
00:59:02,920 --> 00:59:06,440
Speaker 1: feels like God's speaking and yeah, this just feels like

1180
00:59:06,480 --> 00:59:09,440
Speaker 1: this is something that I want. I mean, I tried

1181
00:59:09,640 --> 00:59:12,440
Speaker 1: my best because like I am somebody who and we

1182
00:59:12,480 --> 00:59:14,680
Speaker 1: probably don't have like the hours to get into this,

1183
00:59:14,760 --> 00:59:17,160
Speaker 1: but I'm somebody who has the gift of prophecy, which

1184
00:59:17,200 --> 00:59:19,960
Speaker 1: means that like I do believe that. I it's so

1185
00:59:20,000 --> 00:59:22,240
Speaker 1: weird to say, like I believe I hear from God,

1186
00:59:22,360 --> 00:59:26,920
Speaker 1: but like I have been given, I'm given specific messages

1187
00:59:27,000 --> 00:59:29,880
Speaker 1: for other people that like are very clearly something they

1188
00:59:29,920 --> 00:59:32,600
Speaker 1: need to hear, something they need to know. And at

1189
00:59:32,640 --> 00:59:34,440
Speaker 1: the same time, that is a gift that you have

1190
00:59:34,520 --> 00:59:38,360
Speaker 1: to practice. And so to me, that looks like sitting

1191
00:59:38,360 --> 00:59:40,920
Speaker 1: a lot and being quiet a lot and doing a

1192
00:59:41,000 --> 00:59:44,000
Speaker 1: lot of listening practice. And even when you hear something,

1193
00:59:44,560 --> 00:59:47,200
Speaker 1: test that because you, like I think our brains are

1194
00:59:47,280 --> 00:59:50,120
Speaker 1: very overactive. And so I could be sitting there and

1195
00:59:50,200 --> 00:59:53,200
Speaker 1: God could say to me like saw two and ten,

1196
00:59:53,280 --> 00:59:55,560
Speaker 1: and it's like that doesn't exist in the Bible, you know.

1197
00:59:55,720 --> 00:59:59,240
Speaker 1: And so it's like everything has to be tested. And

1198
00:59:59,400 --> 01:00:02,880
Speaker 1: even then when I send a text to somebody or

1199
01:00:02,920 --> 01:00:06,280
Speaker 1: when I tell somebody like in a procession, Hey, I

1200
01:00:06,360 --> 01:00:09,440
Speaker 1: am not in any way like going to say this

1201
01:00:09,520 --> 01:00:11,960
Speaker 1: is the ultimate, this is what I know to be true.

1202
01:00:12,080 --> 01:00:15,120
Speaker 1: I will say, take this for what it is, sit

1203
01:00:15,240 --> 01:00:17,680
Speaker 1: with it. It might mean something to you, it might

1204
01:00:17,720 --> 01:00:19,920
Speaker 1: not mean something to you, But I just want to

1205
01:00:19,920 --> 01:00:22,480
Speaker 1: be the messenger to what I heard. It's a very

1206
01:00:22,560 --> 01:00:25,280
Speaker 1: delicate thing. That's what I think. And I think that's

1207
01:00:25,280 --> 01:00:27,240
Speaker 1: where it's like I don't get it right all the time.

1208
01:00:27,280 --> 01:00:28,840
Speaker 1: I'm sure that I don't get it all the right

1209
01:00:29,000 --> 01:00:31,160
Speaker 1: right all the time. But like when I hear God

1210
01:00:31,280 --> 01:00:34,560
Speaker 1: prompt me in a direction, I will always write it down,

1211
01:00:34,720 --> 01:00:37,680
Speaker 1: I will revisit it, and I will, you know, wade

1212
01:00:37,760 --> 01:00:40,240
Speaker 1: into the things that I think he's telling me to

1213
01:00:40,320 --> 01:00:43,320
Speaker 1: move into. But I'm open to that ending up not

1214
01:00:43,400 --> 01:00:45,919
Speaker 1: being the right direction. At the same time, I don't

1215
01:00:45,960 --> 01:00:48,640
Speaker 1: feel like I audibly hear God a lot being like

1216
01:00:49,040 --> 01:00:52,840
Speaker 1: go to this country or go here and marry you know.

1217
01:00:53,560 --> 01:00:55,840
Speaker 1: I think it's a still small voice in a lot

1218
01:00:55,880 --> 01:00:58,959
Speaker 1: of ways. Yeah, it's happened a few times. I've heard

1219
01:00:59,000 --> 01:01:02,040
Speaker 1: some audible thing, but that is like I can count

1220
01:01:02,080 --> 01:01:04,720
Speaker 1: them on this palm of my hand. Right. What I

1221
01:01:04,760 --> 01:01:07,040
Speaker 1: love the most of what you said in the essence

1222
01:01:07,040 --> 01:01:09,040
Speaker 1: of it, it's not black and white, which we talked

1223
01:01:09,040 --> 01:01:11,040
Speaker 1: about in the beginning. It's not black and white. There's

1224
01:01:11,160 --> 01:01:13,360
Speaker 1: room for error, there's room for me to be wrong,

1225
01:01:13,600 --> 01:01:16,120
Speaker 1: there's room for me to be right. And I think

1226
01:01:16,160 --> 01:01:18,880
Speaker 1: that with that mindset, we can achieve and we can

1227
01:01:18,920 --> 01:01:22,200
Speaker 1: do not just an area of faith, but across the board,

1228
01:01:22,480 --> 01:01:24,920
Speaker 1: and we can live in a more gray area. We

1229
01:01:24,960 --> 01:01:28,720
Speaker 1: can show up as like more connected humans, more kind humans,

1230
01:01:29,240 --> 01:01:32,640
Speaker 1: more mentally sound humans. And so yeah, that's I love

1231
01:01:32,800 --> 01:01:34,640
Speaker 1: that and how you put that. And I wish that

1232
01:01:34,680 --> 01:01:36,280
Speaker 1: we had three more hours because I'd like to talk

1233
01:01:36,320 --> 01:01:40,480
Speaker 1: more about that, but we don't. So yeah, I know.

1234
01:01:40,800 --> 01:01:42,760
Speaker 1: So I think this is a good place to end.

1235
01:01:42,920 --> 01:01:45,560
Speaker 1: We went everywhere. Yeah, we went everywhere. So this was

1236
01:01:45,560 --> 01:01:48,160
Speaker 1: not I don't know how I'm gonna title this, So

1237
01:01:48,240 --> 01:01:54,080
Speaker 1: I think we're just gonna lexron. What do you want

1238
01:01:54,120 --> 01:01:56,480
Speaker 1: people like? How can people get in touch with you?

1239
01:01:57,000 --> 01:01:59,800
Speaker 1: How can they find your book? Because they're gonna want it?

1240
01:02:00,080 --> 01:02:02,840
Speaker 1: Where do they find you? Everything is over at Hannah

1241
01:02:02,880 --> 01:02:05,000
Speaker 1: Brentcher dot com. We have a page over there for

1242
01:02:05,080 --> 01:02:08,720
Speaker 1: Fighting four that comes out January. Fighting Board is available

1243
01:02:08,760 --> 01:02:13,200
Speaker 1: wherever books are sold Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Shop local,

1244
01:02:13,400 --> 01:02:17,080
Speaker 1: support your local indie. Yeah, okay, awesome, Yeah, everybody go

1245
01:02:17,120 --> 01:02:19,600
Speaker 1: get the book. Hopefully by the time it comes out,

1246
01:02:19,640 --> 01:02:23,160
Speaker 1: I'll be done with it. But thank you so much

1247
01:02:23,200 --> 01:02:25,880
Speaker 1: for being here and for being open. I appreciate it.

1248
01:02:26,160 --> 01:02:27,480
Speaker 1: Thank you, thanks for having me