WEBVTT - Two Things Can Be True At The Same Time: Part 7 [The Mini-Series] (Normalizing the In-Betweens and Healing From Extremism) (Outweigh)

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<v Speaker 1>I won't let my body out be outwait everything that

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<v Speaker 1>I'm made done, won't spend my life trying to change.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm learning love who I am again. I'm strong, I

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<v Speaker 2>feel free, I know every part of me. It's beautiful.

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<v Speaker 1>And then will always out way if you feel it.

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<v Speaker 2>But She'll some love to the d Why get there?

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<v Speaker 3>Take you one day?

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<v Speaker 2>Ana? Did you and.

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<v Speaker 1>Die out way?

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<v Speaker 3>Happy Saturday outweigh Amy here and I've got my co host,

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<v Speaker 3>Leanne Ellington, Hello, and we are on part seven of

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<v Speaker 3>our two Things Can Be True at the Same Time

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<v Speaker 3>mini series, and today is about how you you can

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<v Speaker 3>revisit old patterns, habits, circumstances, or you can be revisited

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<v Speaker 3>by them, like they can pop back up, like you

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<v Speaker 3>feel like, oh what I worked through that and it's

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<v Speaker 3>back that can happen and you can still be evolving

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<v Speaker 3>and growing past it, which Leanne sent me some notes

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<v Speaker 3>on this before and she was like, AKA, experiencing something

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<v Speaker 3>that you thought was part of your past does not

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<v Speaker 3>mean that you have regressed or are regressed. And I

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<v Speaker 3>love that reminder because there was a time my mom

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<v Speaker 3>died and my eating disorder came back almost instantaneously. I

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<v Speaker 3>can laugh about it now, because I thought I had

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<v Speaker 3>been in recovery for almost twelve years, because I had

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<v Speaker 3>not purged, but I had developed all kinds of other

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<v Speaker 3>habits I didn't know were disordered, and so I thought,

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<v Speaker 3>you know, I had my twelve year chip, my imaginary chip,

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<v Speaker 3>like an alcoholic might have if they have been sober.

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<v Speaker 3>And I remember being so disappointed in myself when really

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<v Speaker 3>my brain was having a trauma response and it went

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<v Speaker 3>back to what it knew was gonna soothe me at

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<v Speaker 3>the time. And what I realized all along is I

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<v Speaker 3>wasn't in true recovery and I should have had more

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<v Speaker 3>compassion on myself for that. And also just because I did,

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<v Speaker 3>that doesn't mean that I can't still move forward or

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<v Speaker 3>there's not hope for that pattern to be broken. And

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<v Speaker 3>then what when my dad died. I was in recovery

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<v Speaker 3>like a year and a half in of the work,

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<v Speaker 3>So of course parts of me we're a little nervous,

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<v Speaker 3>like what's gonna happen the day after? Like, well, I

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<v Speaker 3>know what my body, my brain and my actions were

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<v Speaker 3>last time, and I didn't do it. But I think

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<v Speaker 3>it's because I was I'd actually put in the work

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<v Speaker 3>and experience recovery. But I also have grace for myself

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<v Speaker 3>that I know something had happened next week where that's

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<v Speaker 3>not the case, and I know that I'll still be okay,

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<v Speaker 3>and it doesn't mean that I haven't moved forward in

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<v Speaker 3>all of this.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And I think there's a couple of big things

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<v Speaker 1>to touch on for that. And first of all, just

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<v Speaker 1>receiving what you just said, it's so human of us

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<v Speaker 1>to have a traumatic experience and experience loss and grief,

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<v Speaker 1>and our brain favors recency. So that's what your brain

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<v Speaker 1>knew as a coping mechanism, and it makes sense that

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<v Speaker 1>it went back to that, you know, but also, like

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<v Speaker 1>you said, giving yourself grace and compassion, Like this is

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<v Speaker 1>a trauma response. So point number one is like, this

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<v Speaker 1>is a lifelong journey and there's going to be ebbs

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<v Speaker 1>and flows and highs and lows, and it doesn't mean

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<v Speaker 1>you know, what you do is not who you are,

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<v Speaker 1>right And so that was the second thing I'm going

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<v Speaker 1>to talk about, which we'll come back to, is that, like,

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<v Speaker 1>that's why shifting your identity is so important, and shifting

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<v Speaker 1>yourself image about who you are in relation to what

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<v Speaker 1>you do is so important. But coming back to this

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<v Speaker 1>idea of you know, you experience something and you're like, yes,

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<v Speaker 1>I've solved it, I've healed it, I'm done. Right, My

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<v Speaker 1>first invitation to you is what if you're never fully done?

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<v Speaker 1>But because you have to upkeep the practice, right, maybe

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<v Speaker 1>you don't have to so intensively think about it because

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<v Speaker 1>your brain has rewired and a lot of it just

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<v Speaker 1>becomes who you are. But just like you know, if

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<v Speaker 1>you're working out of the gym and you just like

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<v Speaker 1>all of a sudden stop going to the gym, the

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<v Speaker 1>muscle's at yourophye, you know it's it's not same same,

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<v Speaker 1>but it's same same but different as they say in Thailand, right,

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<v Speaker 1>And it's one of those things where like you do

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<v Speaker 1>have to upkeep some of those neural repetitions to get it.

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<v Speaker 1>But that being said, when you experience something, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>some of my clients will be like, oh, I fell

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<v Speaker 1>off the wagon or whatever, and I'm like, great, but

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<v Speaker 1>this time you have new awareness. I can't even tell

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<v Speaker 1>you how many times my clients will come to me

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<v Speaker 1>and be like, hey, Leanne, this is what happened. I

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<v Speaker 1>ate x right, but this but this is why I'm

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<v Speaker 1>so excited because first of all, I didn't shame myself.

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<v Speaker 1>Second of all, I know exactly why it happened. It

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<v Speaker 1>was almost like it happened in slow motion. I had

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<v Speaker 1>so much awareness, and then I didn't beat myself up.

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<v Speaker 1>But here's what I'm gonna do next time, because now

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<v Speaker 1>I know what to look for. And part of it

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<v Speaker 1>is we have to experience something again to get a

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<v Speaker 1>heightened level of awareness, to really go fill in some

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<v Speaker 1>gaps that weren't there, you know, like how do you

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<v Speaker 1>ride a bike? I can't teach you how to ride

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<v Speaker 1>a bike by reading a book, right, I can't write

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<v Speaker 1>tell you logically how to ride a bike. You have

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<v Speaker 1>to get on your balance system, your equilibrium system, has

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<v Speaker 1>to experience it. You probably fall a couple times before

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<v Speaker 1>you you know, but then.

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<v Speaker 2>Eventually training wheels.

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<v Speaker 1>Right, there's training reels great, Yes, exactly, same is true

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<v Speaker 1>of all of this, right, and the falling down is

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<v Speaker 1>actually part of the learning process.

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<v Speaker 2>Right, But it doesn't mean that you are.

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<v Speaker 1>Regressed, have regressed air quotes messed up your back where

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<v Speaker 1>you were. First of all, you're not who you are

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<v Speaker 1>the last time you experienced what you're experiencing. You have

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<v Speaker 1>the ability to have heightened levels of awareness. Like we

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<v Speaker 1>talked about last episode, nothing passes you until it teaches

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<v Speaker 1>you what you need to know. So what is the lesson?

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<v Speaker 1>What have I not yet learned from this? What have

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<v Speaker 1>I not gotten? What's the next level for me?

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<v Speaker 2>Right?

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<v Speaker 1>And then we'll talk about the identity and self image

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<v Speaker 1>and why that's so important. But like, no, it's not

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<v Speaker 1>one of those things where you're back where you started.

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<v Speaker 1>That is the meaning, the drama, the thoughts that you're

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<v Speaker 1>giving behind it, And it doesn't have to mean that.

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<v Speaker 1>You can choose not to give it that meaning. You

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<v Speaker 1>can look at us like, oh, that happened. I don't

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<v Speaker 1>have to like it, but I refuse to go down

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<v Speaker 1>this rabbit hole of like, great, this is I told you,

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<v Speaker 1>this is just who I am, this is what I do.

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<v Speaker 2>And again we'll talk about that.

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<v Speaker 1>But that's why it's so important you change your identity

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<v Speaker 1>around this as well.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, so if you're in the process of trying to

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<v Speaker 3>accept that you're still evolving, I guess let's talk about

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<v Speaker 3>how there's no dead end, Like there's no Oh, I

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<v Speaker 3>finally have reached the top of the mountain and I'm

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<v Speaker 3>going to stay here forever, right, because I think if

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<v Speaker 3>I go back to some of my thoughts, I had

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<v Speaker 3>sort of romanticized recovery and healing, and that if I

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<v Speaker 3>got to the top once I realized that I could,

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<v Speaker 3>I wasn't going to stay stuck in this forever. I

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<v Speaker 3>didn't want to stay in victim mode, but that it's

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<v Speaker 3>an ongoing process. So somehow I was picturing myself at

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<v Speaker 3>the top of this mountain and I conquered it. But then, like,

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<v Speaker 3>if I give you that image at the top of

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<v Speaker 3>the mountain, what would you say about what happens once

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<v Speaker 3>we're at the top.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, it's so it's so beautiful that you say it

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<v Speaker 1>like that, because we do.

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<v Speaker 2>We romanticize, we fantasize, We have.

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<v Speaker 1>Almost like delusional optimism about how perfect our life is

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<v Speaker 1>going to be.

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<v Speaker 2>You know, So what if I just had this and

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<v Speaker 2>once I get there, then it'll all be swell, you know.

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<v Speaker 1>So one of the first things I invite my clients

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<v Speaker 1>into is because keep in mind too, a lot of us.

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<v Speaker 2>That are coming from this world of disorder.

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<v Speaker 1>We're falling for the short term gratification trap of this.

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<v Speaker 2>It looks like control, but it's not.

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<v Speaker 1>It's really the more we try to control or deprive,

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<v Speaker 1>the more out of control we feel, or it's that

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<v Speaker 1>relinquishing control.

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<v Speaker 2>Screw it, I don't care.

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<v Speaker 1>Give me everything in sight before my inner food police

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<v Speaker 1>comes in and kicks back in, and it's that cycle.

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<v Speaker 2>Back and forth.

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<v Speaker 1>However it shows up for you, right and so that

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<v Speaker 1>short term gratification or it's the short term gratification of like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm just going to lose a bunch of weight really quickly,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, and then then I'll feel good. It's really

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<v Speaker 1>a short term gratification thought process. So one of the

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<v Speaker 1>first things I invite my clients into is what if

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<v Speaker 1>short term pain for long term gain? And when I

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<v Speaker 1>say pain, I mean investment of time, energy, thought, and

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<v Speaker 1>intention to really heal this so that you have it

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<v Speaker 1>for the rest of your life, but shifting your beliefs

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<v Speaker 1>and getting out of the delusion that this is a

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<v Speaker 1>one and done Oh, I'll just be healed and happy

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<v Speaker 1>and problem free for the rest of my life. What

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<v Speaker 1>if you just assume that you're human and human stuff

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<v Speaker 1>is going to come up, like loss and stress and

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<v Speaker 1>all these things, And what if you could plan for that,

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<v Speaker 1>account for it, and have the tools that you can

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<v Speaker 1>use to access when it does come up.

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<v Speaker 2>And what if you talked about your forever self.

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<v Speaker 1>So one of the things I invite my clients into

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<v Speaker 1>is like, let's say they're forty five or fifty five.

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<v Speaker 1>I say, yes, I care about the forty five to

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<v Speaker 1>fifty five year old version of you, But who do

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<v Speaker 1>you want to be at sixty seventy eighty. Let's get

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<v Speaker 1>optimistic one hundred and five. So you can be the

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<v Speaker 1>version of yourself that you were born to be and

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<v Speaker 1>know that even when crap hits the fan and adversity strikes,

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<v Speaker 1>you show up in a way that you're proud of

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<v Speaker 1>because you have tools in your toolbox and you've created

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<v Speaker 1>this foundation of beliefs in a self image that empowers

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<v Speaker 1>you that you don't dig back into those rabbit holes.

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<v Speaker 1>But again, notice I didn't say like everything's roses and butterflies.

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<v Speaker 1>Life's going to happen. But can you respond instead of react?

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<v Speaker 1>How far do you fall? How Like that bubble of

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<v Speaker 1>resilience gets so much better and stronger and more resilient,

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<v Speaker 1>and you're not it's not happening so often. It's you're

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<v Speaker 1>not falling down so far it doesn't take you so long.

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<v Speaker 2>To pick yourself back up. But notice I didn't.

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<v Speaker 1>Say it stops happening, right, So what I would say

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<v Speaker 1>about that metaphorical mountain is I would not to burst

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<v Speaker 1>anyone's bubble, but I would I would invite them into

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<v Speaker 1>the possibility that that is an illusion, that this top

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<v Speaker 1>of the mountain is not real. But the climb to

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<v Speaker 1>the you know, the first big climb where you feel

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<v Speaker 1>like your brain has the first like evidence of Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>there's a map where I'm free and at peace and

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<v Speaker 1>this doesn't define me and this doesn't hold me hostage,

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<v Speaker 1>knowing that that it's possible to create that.

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<v Speaker 2>Map more and more in your brain.

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<v Speaker 1>But also eliminating the illusion and illusion that this is

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<v Speaker 1>how it's always going to be and it's always going

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<v Speaker 1>to be air quotes perfect.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm sort of picturing, Okay, if you like that, you

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<v Speaker 3>want to reach the top and you want to be

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<v Speaker 3>up there, it's almost like, Okay, while you're up there,

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<v Speaker 3>you equip yourself and you've got your backpack and your

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<v Speaker 3>tools for like, if you fall down the mountain, your

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<v Speaker 3>backpack's there, it's got you. You've got your your snacks

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<v Speaker 3>in there to sustain you. You've got your tools to

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<v Speaker 3>climb back up, like I don't know, just to maybe

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<v Speaker 3>picture yourself at the top, yeah, and just know that that's.

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<v Speaker 2>While you're up there, and while you're in.

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<v Speaker 3>This space of like I did it, like still gather

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<v Speaker 3>all your tools and make sure you have them with

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<v Speaker 3>you because if you if you go back down, then

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<v Speaker 3>hopefully the thought behind that would be that you get

0:10:20.640 --> 0:10:25.080
<v Speaker 3>back up faster. But even if you don't have compassion

0:10:25.120 --> 0:10:29.400
<v Speaker 3>and grace for yourself, there's no clock other than like,

0:10:29.679 --> 0:10:32.280
<v Speaker 3>we do have this one life, and so it is

0:10:32.320 --> 0:10:34.720
<v Speaker 3>important to sit down and assess and say, how do

0:10:34.760 --> 0:10:36.400
<v Speaker 3>I want to be spending it? Yeah, what do I

0:10:36.400 --> 0:10:38.160
<v Speaker 3>want to be doing? Who do I want to be with?

0:10:38.640 --> 0:10:40.360
<v Speaker 3>What memories do I want to make right?

0:10:40.960 --> 0:10:43.600
<v Speaker 1>And you know, within that, one of the big things

0:10:43.640 --> 0:10:45.480
<v Speaker 1>I have to discuss with my clients is changing their

0:10:45.480 --> 0:10:48.480
<v Speaker 1>definition of success, because if their definition of success is

0:10:48.559 --> 0:10:51.520
<v Speaker 1>never eating anything with sugar or never having a bad

0:10:51.520 --> 0:10:53.960
<v Speaker 1>thought about themselves or whatever, of course they're going to

0:10:53.960 --> 0:10:56.480
<v Speaker 1>always think that they're regressing or not living up. So

0:10:56.520 --> 0:10:58.760
<v Speaker 1>part of it is we have to change or redefine

0:10:58.760 --> 0:11:01.480
<v Speaker 1>their definition of success. Yes, but that kind of segues

0:11:01.520 --> 0:11:04.320
<v Speaker 1>into this whole identity piece of the puzzle, where you know,

0:11:04.640 --> 0:11:06.880
<v Speaker 1>one of my favorite quotes is what you do is

0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:10.920
<v Speaker 1>not who you are, right, and it's about like who

0:11:11.000 --> 0:11:13.480
<v Speaker 1>who you're being, not just what you're doing. And so

0:11:13.559 --> 0:11:16.680
<v Speaker 1>if all of your self worth and self image eggs

0:11:16.679 --> 0:11:18.760
<v Speaker 1>are in the basket of like, great, this is what

0:11:18.800 --> 0:11:21.040
<v Speaker 1>I did or didn't do. I hate to say it,

0:11:21.040 --> 0:11:22.760
<v Speaker 1>but you're going to be at a loss, Like you're

0:11:22.800 --> 0:11:27.640
<v Speaker 1>always going to be feeling unworthy or unfill in the blank.

0:11:28.120 --> 0:11:30.280
<v Speaker 2>If all that you're defining.

0:11:29.840 --> 0:11:31.760
<v Speaker 1>Yourself by is like what you do, what you wear,

0:11:31.840 --> 0:11:33.560
<v Speaker 1>what you did or didn't eat, your gene size, your

0:11:33.559 --> 0:11:35.600
<v Speaker 1>bank balance, your how many likes you got on Facebook,

0:11:35.679 --> 0:11:38.120
<v Speaker 1>whatever it is, it's going to show up empty for you.

0:11:38.200 --> 0:11:39.439
<v Speaker 2>So part of it, too, is.

0:11:39.440 --> 0:11:43.319
<v Speaker 1>Like when all you're doing is looking at the action

0:11:43.440 --> 0:11:46.480
<v Speaker 1>items of your life as like the end all be all,

0:11:47.040 --> 0:11:49.640
<v Speaker 1>anything that strays from that is going to feel like

0:11:49.720 --> 0:11:52.520
<v Speaker 1>you messed up, backpedaled, regressed.

0:11:52.080 --> 0:11:52.760
<v Speaker 2>Anything like that.

0:11:53.000 --> 0:11:56.000
<v Speaker 1>So changing your definition of success, but also the big

0:11:56.040 --> 0:11:58.840
<v Speaker 1>picture kind of paradigm that you're living in has to

0:11:58.880 --> 0:12:01.239
<v Speaker 1>transform to or else you're always going to be identified

0:12:01.280 --> 0:12:04.000
<v Speaker 1>in these ways that are chaining you to the disorder,

0:12:04.520 --> 0:12:05.880
<v Speaker 1>and just remember.

0:12:05.679 --> 0:12:07.559
<v Speaker 3>That two things can be true at the same time,

0:12:07.840 --> 0:12:10.800
<v Speaker 3>because just because you have a setback doesn't mean you

0:12:10.840 --> 0:12:14.280
<v Speaker 3>haven't evolved and you're not capable of more. Because I

0:12:14.320 --> 0:12:16.200
<v Speaker 3>could see how someone gets stuck up, like I mean,

0:12:16.240 --> 0:12:17.040
<v Speaker 3>I did it all the time.

0:12:17.160 --> 0:12:17.760
<v Speaker 2>Like anytime I.

0:12:17.720 --> 0:12:21.720
<v Speaker 3>Would quote unquote mess up or slip up or whatever

0:12:21.760 --> 0:12:24.160
<v Speaker 3>you want to call it, I just feel like, yeah,

0:12:24.160 --> 0:12:25.680
<v Speaker 3>it's exhausting. I want to throw in the towel. But

0:12:25.720 --> 0:12:27.400
<v Speaker 3>like you said, there's a little bit of pain. I

0:12:27.440 --> 0:12:30.200
<v Speaker 3>got to get there, got to be get into the uncomfortable,

0:12:30.559 --> 0:12:32.840
<v Speaker 3>and sometimes if we just want to stay in the comfortable,

0:12:32.840 --> 0:12:35.400
<v Speaker 3>even though that's painful too, it's what we know.

0:12:35.679 --> 0:12:36.400
<v Speaker 2>It's all we know.

0:12:36.800 --> 0:12:39.720
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, okay, Leanne, Where can people find.

0:12:39.480 --> 0:12:41.600
<v Speaker 1>You stressless seating dot com if you want to hear

0:12:41.760 --> 0:12:44.560
<v Speaker 1>more and learn more about the brain we were rewiring

0:12:44.559 --> 0:12:47.240
<v Speaker 1>when it comes to food, your body, your definition of

0:12:47.280 --> 0:12:49.160
<v Speaker 1>success and health, all of that good stuff.

0:12:49.200 --> 0:12:52.160
<v Speaker 2>And then over on Instagram at lee Anne Ellington.

0:12:52.000 --> 0:12:55.680
<v Speaker 3>And I am at Radio Amy Radioamy dot com. We

0:12:55.760 --> 0:13:00.240
<v Speaker 3>will be back next Saturday, but the final part art

0:13:00.559 --> 0:13:03.360
<v Speaker 3>so the two things can be true miniseries, So we'll

0:13:03.360 --> 0:13:03.720
<v Speaker 3>see then.

0:13:04.120 --> 0:13:12.680
<v Speaker 2>Bye bye, MHM