WEBVTT - How to Heal a Broken Heart 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:02.720 Hey, fam, I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:06.080 Red Table Pop podcast. All your favorite episodes from the 0:00:06.120 --> 0:00:10.280 Facebook Watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:13.360 I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:20.919 on Apple podcasts. On this Red Table talk, Willow, what 0:00:21.000 --> 0:00:26.040 was your most recent heartbreak? How to mend a broken heart? 0:00:26.280 --> 0:00:30.360 Bate down, I still love it. If my heart is 0:00:30.440 --> 0:00:36.400 in pace. Our personal counselor and renowned relationship expert MICHAELA. Bone, 0:00:36.560 --> 0:00:39.000 and she has worked with will and I for many, many, 0:00:39.040 --> 0:00:42.440 many years, is here to help us cope with betrayal. 0:00:42.680 --> 0:00:47.680 I caught him entertaining several other men on social media rejection. 0:00:48.080 --> 0:00:50.559 He told me that he no longer has romantic feelings 0:00:50.560 --> 0:00:54.360 for me. Payne the passing of my mother in law. 0:00:54.560 --> 0:00:58.720 It was very painful tragedy. Called home and I got 0:00:58.720 --> 0:01:02.480 a live report of the house burning down, which was devastating. 0:01:02.720 --> 0:01:06.199 In shadowed dreams, I get a call he was seeing 0:01:06.240 --> 0:01:09.200 another woman for nine months. I don't know how to 0:01:09.360 --> 0:01:23.360 go on from here. The number one topic you asked 0:01:23.480 --> 0:01:26.120 us to bring to the Red Table was how to 0:01:26.200 --> 0:01:30.280 deal with a broken heart. We have a very wise 0:01:30.440 --> 0:01:33.680 woman who is joining us to share wisdom and advice. 0:01:34.400 --> 0:01:39.280 She is an author, teacher, counselor, and a wonderful friend 0:01:39.440 --> 0:01:43.200 of the Smith family. Her name is MICHAELA. Bone and 0:01:43.280 --> 0:01:45.559 she has worked with Will and I for many, many 0:01:45.600 --> 0:01:53.320 many years. Welcome, We love having your year. I get 0:01:53.360 --> 0:01:57.920 to actually touch the red table. Yes, I mean this 0:01:58.000 --> 0:02:02.680 has been a year. We have so many people that 0:02:02.720 --> 0:02:05.640 are dealing with so many different kinds of heartbreak. People 0:02:05.800 --> 0:02:10.040 are losing their homes, losing their jobs, losing their relationships. 0:02:10.160 --> 0:02:14.679 It's just it can be really overwhelming. It is heartbreaking. 0:02:14.760 --> 0:02:20.920 It's intense. MICHAELA. I know you had a really your heartbreak. 0:02:21.080 --> 0:02:25.760 I mean I remember that devastation. I lost my house, 0:02:26.160 --> 0:02:30.480 well my entire property in the Thomas fire. I wasn't home. 0:02:30.880 --> 0:02:33.640 I saw something on Facebook and I called home and 0:02:33.840 --> 0:02:36.440 I got a live report of the house burning down, 0:02:37.400 --> 0:02:41.760 which was devastating. But the real heartbreak is that I 0:02:41.840 --> 0:02:45.239 lost some of my dogs and a lot of my livestock, 0:02:45.520 --> 0:02:48.400 a lot of my ducks and chickens and tortoises and 0:02:48.440 --> 0:02:52.760 turtles and cats. But the dogs were you know that 0:02:52.919 --> 0:02:57.480 my children. Yeah, And so there was devastation after devastation 0:02:57.520 --> 0:03:02.520 after devastation. It's certainly taught me about kind of the 0:03:02.520 --> 0:03:06.120 the heartbreak and the suffering that I was not aware of. 0:03:07.680 --> 0:03:11.600 It's something when your entire existence is boiled down to 0:03:12.200 --> 0:03:16.760 this much dust. Because you are brilliant at what you do. 0:03:16.800 --> 0:03:19.079 You know, just as far as helping other people give 0:03:19.120 --> 0:03:22.280 you very difficult times, what do you think was some 0:03:22.440 --> 0:03:26.200 of the new wisdom that you acquired going through this 0:03:26.320 --> 0:03:30.440 experience in regards to dealing with heartbreak and loss. I 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:34.880 think the most important thing is I really understood viscerally 0:03:35.000 --> 0:03:37.840 in my body. But there is kind of stages to 0:03:37.960 --> 0:03:42.120 the grieving that you can't can't bypass. You have to 0:03:42.160 --> 0:03:47.400 accept that it sucks and not try to immediately whitewash 0:03:47.480 --> 0:03:50.440 and go what am I learning? So that's a bypass, 0:03:50.480 --> 0:03:53.640 it's a bypass. What I realized is that when people 0:03:53.680 --> 0:03:57.160 were dealing with me, they couldn't deal with the intensity 0:03:57.200 --> 0:04:01.360 of the pain, so they skipped over the pain. Somebody 0:04:01.400 --> 0:04:04.760 said to me four days after the fire, well, I 0:04:04.800 --> 0:04:07.440 guess now you've got a good lesson in non attachment. 0:04:07.960 --> 0:04:11.560 That must be amazing, right. So stuff like that I know, 0:04:12.960 --> 0:04:15.760 and so I really learned for my work as well. 0:04:15.880 --> 0:04:21.200 The acknowledgement of the horror and mind you, one person's 0:04:21.279 --> 0:04:25.400 horror might not be another person's horror, right, but that 0:04:25.480 --> 0:04:29.000 doesn't matter. It's really really subjective and the pain is 0:04:29.040 --> 0:04:31.680 the pain is the pain, and so I think what 0:04:31.880 --> 0:04:34.679 was my biggest learning is that you have to acknowledge it. 0:04:34.920 --> 0:04:37.840 You can't skip over it. And when you do that, 0:04:37.960 --> 0:04:40.680 it gives you permission to grieve, and then the grieving 0:04:40.720 --> 0:04:44.599 allows you to stay functional. What I did every morning 0:04:44.640 --> 0:04:48.200 before I even got up, I'd cry, and you know, 0:04:48.240 --> 0:04:51.159 crying is really really really healthy, and grow to move 0:04:51.320 --> 0:04:55.120 through it and then the tears wash out things. I 0:04:55.160 --> 0:04:57.680 have a question for you game, what has been your 0:04:58.000 --> 0:05:02.160 biggest heartbreak? I think this year it has really been 0:05:02.560 --> 0:05:06.200 the passing of my mother in law right right, you know, 0:05:06.400 --> 0:05:10.440 because yeah, to COVID it was very painful. It was 0:05:10.600 --> 0:05:15.279 very very painful. And then not being able to gather 0:05:15.480 --> 0:05:20.080 to celebrate her life the way we ordinarily would that's 0:05:20.600 --> 0:05:23.760 very very tough. Have you had some romantic heartbreak in 0:05:23.760 --> 0:05:28.240 your life. I have had a lot of romantic heartbreak, 0:05:28.320 --> 0:05:32.960 and this one particular failure in one of my marriages 0:05:33.080 --> 0:05:37.479 that I really built up in my head that this 0:05:37.640 --> 0:05:42.680 was my one true love and I'll never I'll never 0:05:42.760 --> 0:05:45.920 love like this again. Yeah, it wasn't a divorce that 0:05:46.120 --> 0:05:49.000 I wanted. But at the end of the day, when 0:05:49.040 --> 0:05:53.400 you really really look at the relationship, honestly, you go 0:05:53.760 --> 0:06:00.320 like this one going nowhere but tore right, We really 0:06:00.360 --> 0:06:03.040 feel like you have to kind of take some time 0:06:03.440 --> 0:06:08.520 and be honest with yourself. Yeah, Willow, what was your 0:06:08.560 --> 0:06:14.280 most recent heartbreak? You know, I've had some personal decisions 0:06:14.279 --> 0:06:16.599 that I needed to make this year that were really hard. 0:06:17.000 --> 0:06:20.120 I had to just learn how to set some boundaries 0:06:20.560 --> 0:06:27.480 in my romantic relationship slash hips, and I'm so grateful 0:06:27.880 --> 0:06:31.640 that my partner was just open to what I had 0:06:31.680 --> 0:06:35.560 to say. And when you truly love someone, no matter what, 0:06:35.600 --> 0:06:37.960 you're gonna want what's best for them. I felt like 0:06:38.000 --> 0:06:41.040 I was almost making the situation bigger than it needed 0:06:41.040 --> 0:06:43.080 to be. And you guys really did a good job 0:06:43.200 --> 0:06:48.880 working it out together. MICHAELA helped lot. Wasn't really as 0:06:48.920 --> 0:06:50.760 tough as you said. I was building it up to 0:06:50.800 --> 0:06:53.400 me and had such courage about it, and you were 0:06:53.480 --> 0:06:56.400 so clear that you wanted the best for both of you, 0:06:56.920 --> 0:07:02.800 and that's really quite extraordinary. Commendable baby steps. Yeah, I 0:07:02.880 --> 0:07:05.680 was actually saying to Jada, I had daughter envy for 0:07:05.720 --> 0:07:09.600 the first time in my life. I was the first 0:07:09.640 --> 0:07:12.320 time in my adult life. I was like, I had 0:07:12.360 --> 0:07:15.520 a daughter. I had a daughter, Like you can consider 0:07:15.560 --> 0:07:18.320 me your daughter. You You've helped me a lot, She's 0:07:18.360 --> 0:07:22.120 helped us all a lot. Thank god you. Michaela. What 0:07:22.240 --> 0:07:25.440 about your mom? And let say, everybody's telling the story, 0:07:25.560 --> 0:07:29.360 what about yours? You know? I mean, I've had plenty 0:07:29.400 --> 0:07:33.600 of heartbreak in my life, devastating heartbreak. But what I'm 0:07:33.600 --> 0:07:38.320 still trying to learn is allowing for that, that tenderness 0:07:38.520 --> 0:07:41.200 versus going versus going into fight mode. I go and 0:07:41.240 --> 0:07:43.800 I go with MICHAELA knows I go straight into fight. 0:07:44.000 --> 0:07:46.200 And I think that has a lot to do with 0:07:47.320 --> 0:07:50.000 the fear of being hurt. Yeah, you don't want to 0:07:50.000 --> 0:07:53.200 feel rejected, You don't want to feel unloved, right, being 0:07:53.280 --> 0:07:55.840 programmed and believe in girl, don't let those tears come. 0:07:56.800 --> 0:07:59.160 Don't let those tears come, because you will fall apart 0:07:59.520 --> 0:08:01.400 and you might not be able to put yourself back 0:08:01.400 --> 0:08:06.040 together again. But it takes a lot of just trusting yourself, 0:08:06.480 --> 0:08:09.760 you know, And a lot of times we don't have 0:08:10.080 --> 0:08:16.720 enough um self worth. Yes, we have some guests that 0:08:16.760 --> 0:08:22.320 are coming to our t t to speak to MICHAELA 0:08:23.360 --> 0:08:29.320 first is Sarah from Denver, Colorado. Hey, Sarah, welcome, Thank you, 0:08:29.400 --> 0:08:32.280 thank you. Just over a year ago, I met a 0:08:32.280 --> 0:08:35.040 guy who I connected with so quickly and so deeply 0:08:35.160 --> 0:08:37.960 that I actually really felt like he was the guy 0:08:38.040 --> 0:08:39.880 for me, he was the one. And then he actually 0:08:39.960 --> 0:08:43.079 recently told me that he no longer has romantic feelings 0:08:43.120 --> 0:08:47.040 for me. And I'm really struggling with it, and I'm 0:08:47.160 --> 0:08:48.800 very much at the point in my life where I 0:08:48.880 --> 0:08:52.520 no longer want to pursue dating or pussy love. And 0:08:52.679 --> 0:08:55.240 I apologize if I start to get emotional. I thought 0:08:55.240 --> 0:08:59.839 I did everything correctly. I'm becoming very fatigued on trying 0:09:00.040 --> 0:09:03.600 to brush it off and try again. You are absolutely 0:09:03.840 --> 0:09:06.600 right to feel like you don't want to do it anymore, 0:09:07.040 --> 0:09:09.800 because that's what happens first. You're so beaten down and 0:09:09.880 --> 0:09:13.319 it's so devastating you can't imagine doing it ever again. 0:09:14.240 --> 0:09:17.480 And of course you will do it again, and you 0:09:17.520 --> 0:09:19.680 will have learned something from it and you will be 0:09:19.720 --> 0:09:22.480 stronger for it. I guess I'm just in a space 0:09:22.520 --> 0:09:25.480 where I'm almost thirty five. I've been trying this for 0:09:25.520 --> 0:09:29.280 a while, but I am kind of repeatedly broken up 0:09:29.320 --> 0:09:32.240 with so I kind of keep coming back to, like, 0:09:32.320 --> 0:09:34.200 what am I doing wrong that has kept me in 0:09:34.240 --> 0:09:38.160 the space for a decade. Now, you know, what would 0:09:38.200 --> 0:09:41.400 your guests be if I would say to you, what 0:09:41.480 --> 0:09:44.280 do you think you are doing? That makes it? So? 0:09:44.800 --> 0:09:49.200 I know that I do pick people who may not 0:09:49.320 --> 0:09:52.440 be as emotionally mature as I need them to be. 0:09:52.840 --> 0:09:57.439 My other concern has been that I am just too accessible. 0:09:57.679 --> 0:10:00.560 If my ex would have called me at anytime he 0:10:00.640 --> 0:10:02.400 was ready to get back with me, I would have 0:10:02.480 --> 0:10:07.120 say yes. So in the pattern of the guys leaving 0:10:07.760 --> 0:10:11.560 right or what do they say? They say, You're incredible, 0:10:11.880 --> 0:10:14.360 but pretty much just always I'm not ready for a commitment. 0:10:14.520 --> 0:10:17.400 And when you meet a guy, are you very clear 0:10:17.440 --> 0:10:20.760 on the fact that you want a deep commitment right 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:22.960 from the get go. I think that in the past 0:10:23.080 --> 0:10:29.080 I have tried to um camouflage a little bit or 0:10:29.160 --> 0:10:32.680 like adapt like a cha million to kind of figure 0:10:32.720 --> 0:10:36.080 out what they wanted. I think what you're describing is 0:10:36.280 --> 0:10:40.400 so built into many of us. We tend to really 0:10:40.480 --> 0:10:44.360 feel what other people need and then more for ourselves 0:10:44.520 --> 0:10:48.680 in ways, so we get love right. But it's the 0:10:48.840 --> 0:10:53.240 very thing that will make a relationship not work because 0:10:53.640 --> 0:10:57.480 who you say you are and who you really are 0:10:58.080 --> 0:11:02.280 is not the same, and that eventually bites you in 0:11:02.320 --> 0:11:05.720 the relationship. So are you saying she's not being true 0:11:05.760 --> 0:11:09.560 to who she really is. She's more to the other person, 0:11:10.080 --> 0:11:13.760 to herself. You didn't want to push him. You start 0:11:13.840 --> 0:11:17.360 putting yourself further and further back, and then who you 0:11:17.400 --> 0:11:21.240 are doesn't really come to play, and it becomes more 0:11:21.240 --> 0:11:25.120 and more about him, And then of course he goes, well, 0:11:25.679 --> 0:11:29.480 I'm not feeling it right because what he isn't feeling 0:11:29.600 --> 0:11:32.640 is who he thought you were in the first place, 0:11:33.520 --> 0:11:37.600 who you no longer are because you've accommodated, you've warphed 0:11:38.800 --> 0:11:42.160 for the sake of the relationship. This is important, McKay's 0:11:42.280 --> 0:11:46.240 very important because we as women, my god, do we 0:11:46.400 --> 0:11:51.440 do this so often where we think, Okay, if I 0:11:51.520 --> 0:11:54.680 just let him flow how he needs to flow, and 0:11:54.720 --> 0:11:57.480 if I just make myself available in a way that 0:11:57.520 --> 0:12:00.720 he needs, he'll love me. He'll appreciate ate the fact. 0:12:00.840 --> 0:12:05.199 But what, yes, I'm being supportive. She's not. The quick 0:12:05.240 --> 0:12:08.720 and dirty answer to what you're saying is who you 0:12:08.840 --> 0:12:10.840 are at some point, how has to be good enough. 0:12:11.280 --> 0:12:14.160 Now you just got to hold steady. Yeah. I mean, 0:12:14.320 --> 0:12:16.600 you know, I've been married, you know, four times, and 0:12:16.679 --> 0:12:19.680 I just never gave up. I just took what I 0:12:19.880 --> 0:12:23.120 learned from that relationship and tried to carry it into 0:12:23.160 --> 0:12:27.640 the next one in a positive way. Nothing's wasted, nothing's wasted. 0:12:27.800 --> 0:12:31.800 I appreciate everything that you're saying. Thank you, Sarah so 0:12:31.880 --> 0:12:34.360 much for a share. You are precious and I just 0:12:34.440 --> 0:12:38.920 want you to know keep going. Every relationship gives us 0:12:38.920 --> 0:12:41.760 a gem that we can use in our next step, 0:12:41.800 --> 0:12:44.520 for that next door that's inevitably gonna open. You are 0:12:44.559 --> 0:12:50.240 a beautiful woman girl. Thank you first, Yes, thank you 0:12:50.320 --> 0:12:53.800 so much, Sarah. That was beautiful. Every time I always 0:12:53.840 --> 0:12:56.160 sit here and I go, how's she gonna handle this one? 0:12:56.440 --> 0:13:02.840 So Trina is next? Hey? Ja in your family so much? Well, 0:13:02.960 --> 0:13:06.480 thank you. I'm from North Carolina. I was married for 0:13:07.000 --> 0:13:10.520 thirty nine years to a man that I was with 0:13:12.040 --> 0:13:17.719 and will get emotional, that's okay. I've been with him 0:13:17.840 --> 0:13:26.559 since I was fourteen, so he was my only love. Yeah, 0:13:26.720 --> 0:13:30.880 and we just a year ago had plans of our 0:13:31.000 --> 0:13:35.520 retirement traveling the world, and he just all of a 0:13:35.559 --> 0:13:40.400 sudden wanted to separate. About three months ago, and then 0:13:40.520 --> 0:13:44.720 I get a call from an anonymous person he was 0:13:44.760 --> 0:13:49.319 seeing another woman for nine months. I'm fifty seven years old. 0:13:50.120 --> 0:13:55.800 How do you get past this kind of hurt and 0:13:56.040 --> 0:14:04.000 actually move on from because in down, truly I still 0:14:04.160 --> 0:14:15.600 love it and my heart is in peace. Yeah, I'm sorry, 0:14:16.080 --> 0:14:20.240 don't I don't know how to go on from here. 0:14:20.720 --> 0:14:25.400 Thank God I have a wonderful daughter, but it's still hard. 0:14:26.080 --> 0:14:28.400 This is one of those moments where I wish I 0:14:28.440 --> 0:14:33.360 had a magic wand right where you could just waive 0:14:33.480 --> 0:14:37.000 the magic wand and the pain is lifted. So you 0:14:37.120 --> 0:14:40.720 grew up with this man, right, you became a woman 0:14:40.840 --> 0:14:43.560 and the mother and and who you are today. The 0:14:43.760 --> 0:14:47.080 entire life is connected with this man. Then it's suddenly 0:14:47.160 --> 0:14:50.520 pulled out. That's about as devastating as it gets. It 0:14:50.560 --> 0:14:55.200 feels like a death. What you're experiencing right now is 0:14:55.200 --> 0:14:59.280 is multiple layers of grief and loss. In the first 0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:04.000 stage is absolute devastation, and no one will blame you 0:15:04.080 --> 0:15:06.600 if you want to just lay down. Then the next 0:15:06.640 --> 0:15:10.640 thing that usually happens is you get angry. And when 0:15:10.720 --> 0:15:14.359 you start getting angry, you have to listen to me carefully. 0:15:14.640 --> 0:15:17.960 You must get angry now you don't want to directed 0:15:18.040 --> 0:15:22.640 it anyone. That's very important, right, Meaning you don't go 0:15:22.720 --> 0:15:25.680 to his house and drag him out of the house, 0:15:25.720 --> 0:15:30.120 even though that's a good fantasy. To write it all down, 0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:33.160 or you record it and you curse him, and you 0:15:33.280 --> 0:15:37.600 do that so that that's out of you, because that's 0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:41.440 the thing that starts festering. You go and find help 0:15:41.600 --> 0:15:46.800 with friends, church, family, so you can speak about it, 0:15:47.040 --> 0:15:48.960 and you can allow yourself to be a bit bitter 0:15:49.040 --> 0:15:52.440 about it and and nasty. You have to write the 0:15:52.480 --> 0:15:55.600 worst of your revenge fantasies and the worst of your 0:15:56.280 --> 0:15:59.360 ill wishes so you can move on from them. That's 0:15:59.640 --> 0:16:02.840 super are, super important. But the more you go there, 0:16:03.040 --> 0:16:06.520 the quicker it will pass. Then comes another wave of grief, 0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:10.520 the grief of your entire life having disappeared in a 0:16:10.560 --> 0:16:13.200 certain way. But then who are you when all of 0:16:13.240 --> 0:16:16.960 this is taken away? And one thing I can tell 0:16:17.000 --> 0:16:20.280 you just bym looking at you, there's such strength in 0:16:20.360 --> 0:16:26.200 you and such power and resilience that's going to come 0:16:26.240 --> 0:16:29.520 to the surface, and then you're going to become somebody 0:16:29.600 --> 0:16:33.800 who is free off off that thing that held you 0:16:33.840 --> 0:16:36.760 in a certain kind of a situation. Because even though 0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:40.680 you love him and even though you've devoted a long 0:16:40.920 --> 0:16:44.160 time to that marriage, there's parts of you that are 0:16:44.240 --> 0:16:46.400 really waiting to come out. And I know I can 0:16:46.440 --> 0:16:48.840 see it in your face. All that energy that was 0:16:48.840 --> 0:16:51.840 suppressed by the pain is going to come out, and 0:16:52.000 --> 0:16:54.640 Trina is going to be a force to be regulous. 0:16:56.120 --> 0:16:58.880 It's a process. I think a lot of us believe 0:16:58.960 --> 0:17:03.320 that if we go into the feeling of the pain, 0:17:03.520 --> 0:17:06.560 that will get stuck. I know that's always been something 0:17:06.600 --> 0:17:09.600 for me. You know, it's like, don't go there, because 0:17:09.640 --> 0:17:12.560 you might just get the pain might just crab you 0:17:12.600 --> 0:17:16.440 and keep you right. And so the idea of being 0:17:16.480 --> 0:17:19.520 able to understand that it's okay to to go into 0:17:19.600 --> 0:17:24.359 it in the with the concept of moving through it 0:17:24.440 --> 0:17:26.640 and you really do have to let it out. We've 0:17:26.680 --> 0:17:30.040 all been there in some form or fashion, and we 0:17:30.119 --> 0:17:32.359 just want you to know that our hearts are with you. 0:17:32.400 --> 0:17:35.639 And thank you so much for your testimony today. Okay, 0:17:35.680 --> 0:17:41.000 thank you, thank you so much. That's a devastating when 0:17:41.000 --> 0:17:46.840 you feel like everything in your world is it's yeah, 0:17:47.200 --> 0:17:50.880 there's something I don't want to ignore either. Too. For women, Um, 0:17:50.920 --> 0:17:54.119 when you get to that age, you know and you 0:17:54.200 --> 0:17:56.920 go through a major break up like that, and when 0:17:57.000 --> 0:17:59.240 particularly with a person that you've been through, but that 0:17:59.320 --> 0:18:02.399 you go through like um fifty seven, like who's gonna 0:18:02.400 --> 0:18:08.199 want me now? And that's a reality. However, this is 0:18:08.280 --> 0:18:11.040 just a tiny little side note. My first neighbor when 0:18:11.040 --> 0:18:13.960 I moved to l A from Austria was a woman 0:18:14.000 --> 0:18:17.480 who was in her late eighties and she was a 0:18:17.520 --> 0:18:22.399 concentration camp survivor Leo. Her name was and Leah. Every 0:18:22.480 --> 0:18:27.560 Tuesday went to the Fairfax Jewish Community Center for square 0:18:27.640 --> 0:18:34.320 dance and she found a boyfriend. Wow. And so on 0:18:34.359 --> 0:18:39.080 her nineties birthday, Saul, her new boyfriend, moved into the house. 0:18:39.680 --> 0:18:42.280 And here's how I knew Saul moved into the house. 0:18:42.520 --> 0:18:47.320 The truck pulled up, out came the two single bits, 0:18:48.960 --> 0:18:55.879 in came a big new brass double and Saul moved in. 0:18:56.359 --> 0:18:59.720 And then they walked hand in hand every day. That's 0:18:59.720 --> 0:19:03.639 a beautiful story for anybody. If he thinks that you 0:19:03.680 --> 0:19:08.280 know it's over, that you'll never find on her nineties 0:19:09.680 --> 0:19:12.520 fight away, the guy she moved in was at least 0:19:12.520 --> 0:19:18.359 twelve years younger than her. I mean she was in 0:19:18.720 --> 0:19:24.359 his highest seventies. So we have Eddie from l A 0:19:25.000 --> 0:19:30.360 hi Eddie Hi So seven and I'm a PhD student 0:19:30.480 --> 0:19:33.920 at usc UM. I recently got out of a fourteen 0:19:33.960 --> 0:19:37.720 month relationship with a man I thought i'd marry. Towards 0:19:37.760 --> 0:19:42.560 the end of our relationship, I caught him entertaining several 0:19:42.680 --> 0:19:46.280 other men on social media. I felt so betrayed. I 0:19:46.320 --> 0:19:48.680 found on his Instagram that he was inviting other men 0:19:48.800 --> 0:19:52.760 to dates. And you know, there's so much, there was 0:19:52.800 --> 0:19:55.920 so much betrayal there that that at the very end 0:19:56.000 --> 0:19:59.480 warped my idea of who he was. I reached out 0:19:59.480 --> 0:20:02.440 to him RecA me and I never heard back. But 0:20:02.440 --> 0:20:04.520 it's been really difficult for me. So I've left to 0:20:04.600 --> 0:20:07.440 reconcile this person who I thought I knew for over 0:20:07.480 --> 0:20:09.560 a year, and I sort of don't know what what 0:20:09.640 --> 0:20:11.600 the reality is right now, and I don't know how 0:20:11.640 --> 0:20:14.560 to get over this. The real tough thing about this 0:20:15.119 --> 0:20:18.359 is that when you can say it, it just sits 0:20:18.400 --> 0:20:22.040 in your head. And it's so important to have the 0:20:22.080 --> 0:20:26.280 communication that you want to have. However, you don't need 0:20:26.320 --> 0:20:30.399 to have the conversation or the communication with him, and 0:20:30.480 --> 0:20:36.280 so one of my personal UH tricks for myself, you 0:20:36.359 --> 0:20:41.040 write letters and don't write sentences and stuff just like words. 0:20:41.720 --> 0:20:44.480 This is a very specific process. I'm want to walk 0:20:44.520 --> 0:20:49.440 you through this. The first letter you write is a nasty, 0:20:49.840 --> 0:20:55.120 vicious say everything you never would say to a real person. Letter. 0:20:55.680 --> 0:20:58.720 Got it? You write it, you put it somewhere, and 0:20:59.160 --> 0:21:01.560 you just right, and you write, and you write, and 0:21:01.600 --> 0:21:03.359 you might write the same letter for three or four 0:21:03.440 --> 0:21:06.960 five days if you can hand right hand right. There's 0:21:07.080 --> 0:21:10.320 something about writing by hand that doesn't happen here or 0:21:10.359 --> 0:21:13.280 on your phone. Right the important pieces that you don't 0:21:13.359 --> 0:21:15.920 rush it. So you write the letters till you feel 0:21:15.960 --> 0:21:19.159 ready to be done. Make sure that you really, really 0:21:19.200 --> 0:21:22.760 really address how it felt, and tell him on the 0:21:22.840 --> 0:21:29.920 letter what a really thing. However many it takes, till 0:21:29.960 --> 0:21:32.960 you're somewhat clear, you'll write a letter that you could 0:21:33.000 --> 0:21:36.680 give him. Then what you do is you do a ritual, 0:21:37.040 --> 0:21:40.800 something that puts a full stop, make a strong end 0:21:40.840 --> 0:21:45.240 to it, take something of his and buried or burn it. 0:21:45.680 --> 0:21:50.480 Do something where you for yourself go okay, I am done. 0:21:50.920 --> 0:21:53.080 One thing I want to ask to MICHAELA because I 0:21:53.160 --> 0:21:55.560 know in these kinds of situations, when you have that 0:21:55.680 --> 0:21:59.160 kind of betrayal, you lose such a trust in yourself totally. 0:21:59.359 --> 0:22:04.240 You know, how could I How could I have misjudged 0:22:04.359 --> 0:22:07.000 so greatly? You know what I mean? How do you 0:22:07.040 --> 0:22:10.560 regain that trust in yourself to believe that the next 0:22:10.600 --> 0:22:13.960 time you won't do that to yourself again. Well, here's 0:22:14.000 --> 0:22:23.960 a horrible truth. We don't misjudge, right, So he Eddie 0:22:25.600 --> 0:22:29.960 Eddie knew, but we don't want to see it because 0:22:30.160 --> 0:22:34.280 we love and our heart wants wants that thing, and 0:22:34.359 --> 0:22:38.359 we want that relationship, and he wanted that marriage. We know, 0:22:38.680 --> 0:22:43.440 we always know, so, So the learning isn't to become 0:22:43.640 --> 0:22:48.879 better at distinguishing it. Necessarily, learning is to listen to 0:22:48.920 --> 0:22:54.919 ourselves and not let our need for a certain fairy 0:22:54.960 --> 0:22:59.400 tale override what we know is true. You can look 0:22:59.440 --> 0:23:04.679 at how do you read the red flags better next time? Right? 0:23:05.119 --> 0:23:07.760 And you can feel it, and you can think back 0:23:07.800 --> 0:23:11.000 on when something felt fishy and you kind of we're 0:23:11.040 --> 0:23:13.800 overwriting it for the fact that this was going to 0:23:13.840 --> 0:23:16.520 be your life partner and you were going to marry. 0:23:16.680 --> 0:23:19.280 Then the other thing that happens is every time we 0:23:19.400 --> 0:23:24.359 get a bit better at not overwriting our own feelings 0:23:24.359 --> 0:23:27.440 around that, the people we attract get better because they 0:23:27.440 --> 0:23:32.479 can pull the rule over our honey Honestly, let's just 0:23:32.560 --> 0:23:34.760 be real. You have such a light, you have such 0:23:34.800 --> 0:23:38.600 a deep well of compassion within you, and so many 0:23:38.680 --> 0:23:41.560 people are going to see that and they're gonna want that. Well. 0:23:41.800 --> 0:23:44.040 I've been a huge fan of yours forever. So if 0:23:44.080 --> 0:23:46.639 I hear you, know, will, I'll say that I'm going 0:23:46.680 --> 0:23:49.239 to find love again, like I'm more prone to believe it. 0:23:49.320 --> 0:23:53.200 You're a beauty, Eddie. Just know that it's all about 0:23:53.320 --> 0:23:56.439 learning as we go. That's it. That's thank you so much, 0:23:56.680 --> 0:24:00.560 Thank you, Eddie, Thank you Eddie. This pandemic that we've 0:24:00.600 --> 0:24:05.199 been dealing with, I mean globally, we've all been affected. 0:24:05.240 --> 0:24:09.400 I feel like not one person has been able to escape. 0:24:09.560 --> 0:24:12.800 A lot of expectations have been shattered. Yeah, So we 0:24:12.880 --> 0:24:16.240 have Key Jana and David from Inglewood who have questions 0:24:16.280 --> 0:24:23.520 from MICHAELA. Hey, look at you right here, welcome to 0:24:23.640 --> 0:24:28.080 the table. Thank you for having us. So what questions 0:24:28.080 --> 0:24:30.439 do you have for MICHAELA Today. I met David a 0:24:30.440 --> 0:24:34.000 few years ago and we had the pleasure of being 0:24:34.040 --> 0:24:36.919 able to plan our wedding. We invited all the people 0:24:37.440 --> 0:24:42.320 from all across the country. People were gonna travel and 0:24:43.119 --> 0:24:46.040 on my bachelor at Party two days before, we got 0:24:46.040 --> 0:24:49.520 the call that the coronavirus shut down our entire event. 0:24:49.760 --> 0:24:52.040 It was like a kind of like a tidal wave 0:24:52.119 --> 0:24:55.080 had hit us. With only forty eight hours left, we 0:24:55.119 --> 0:24:58.399 had to cancel all the vendors. The venue canceled on us. 0:24:58.640 --> 0:25:00.520 We had to call everyone that was going to try 0:25:00.560 --> 0:25:04.479 to travel. We had paid for everything we had gotten, 0:25:04.520 --> 0:25:06.760 you know, Flowers. We did have a little bit of 0:25:06.760 --> 0:25:09.400 hope and we thought we could reschedule and not really 0:25:09.440 --> 0:25:11.760 knowing where the coronavirus was going to be. But here 0:25:11.760 --> 0:25:15.359 we are again looking to cancel yet again. We're just 0:25:15.400 --> 0:25:17.960 a little emotionally drained and kind of don't know really 0:25:17.960 --> 0:25:20.640 where to go from here. It was a heartbreaking kind 0:25:20.640 --> 0:25:24.760 of ordeal. Yeah, that's a rough one. Yeah, here's something 0:25:24.840 --> 0:25:27.440 I can tell you that maybe it's a bit of hope. 0:25:28.080 --> 0:25:31.320 I've done like about thirty five thousand client hours in 0:25:31.359 --> 0:25:34.320 my lifetime, so I've seen a lot of people, and 0:25:34.359 --> 0:25:38.800 I can tell you one thing. Couples who face adversity 0:25:38.920 --> 0:25:45.879 together have the best chance of long term relationship. And 0:25:45.920 --> 0:25:50.160 the way you're sitting there, the way she's leaning against you, David, 0:25:50.640 --> 0:25:55.320 you clearly have grown something in the adversity in in 0:25:55.560 --> 0:25:59.080 and in the joined loss. Often, you know, the big 0:25:59.119 --> 0:26:02.480 wedding take on a life of its own, and the 0:26:02.560 --> 0:26:05.760 real love and the real care get a little bit lost. 0:26:06.160 --> 0:26:08.760 It's so beautiful because you kind of get to do 0:26:08.800 --> 0:26:13.520 it the other way of our You get too deepen 0:26:13.840 --> 0:26:18.399