1 00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:04,760 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla, your host for this journey. I 2 00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:09,400 Speaker 1: was a hopeless love aholic but just could not get 3 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:14,000 Speaker 1: my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks 4 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:18,680 Speaker 1: and deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love 5 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:21,920 Speaker 1: is and what it is not. I want to share 6 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:27,800 Speaker 1: some of what I've learned about lover holism. Welcome to 7 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:31,960 Speaker 1: the R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 8 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:48,239 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, This is the Spot and 9 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:51,959 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla, your guide, your facilitator, some might 10 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:56,920 Speaker 1: even say your teacher, as we delve into the sea, 11 00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:03,400 Speaker 1: the ocean of relationships, all kinds of relationships, doing our 12 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:06,280 Speaker 1: best to learn the skills, the tools, the principles, the 13 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:12,720 Speaker 1: practices to make those relationships more peaceful, more fulfilling. Healthy. Yeah, 14 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:15,920 Speaker 1: we want to go for healthy relationships. Now, if you 15 00:01:15,959 --> 00:01:19,800 Speaker 1: were with us last week, we started talking about a 16 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:24,480 Speaker 1: topic that you see, sense, feel, believe your partner is cheating, 17 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:28,240 Speaker 1: but you don't have the evidence. And we covered a 18 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:32,240 Speaker 1: lot of ground. But we're going to continue that conversation today. 19 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:37,760 Speaker 1: But I want us to start right here because we 20 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:42,800 Speaker 1: are so conditioned in, programmed, taught, educated to look outside 21 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:45,840 Speaker 1: of ourselves for the answers, so that when we get 22 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:49,880 Speaker 1: the answer on the inside, we don't believe it, we 23 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:53,040 Speaker 1: don't want to hold on to it, and we'll talk 24 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:57,800 Speaker 1: ourselves out of what we know. You know, the first GPS, 25 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:01,800 Speaker 1: the first GPS any human ever had, before it was 26 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,960 Speaker 1: in cars, before it was on a smartphone, the first 27 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:11,440 Speaker 1: GPS we ever had was intuition, teaching from within. And 28 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:16,200 Speaker 1: yet there's no place in our society and our educational system, 29 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:22,280 Speaker 1: even in our interactions of being raised or being educated, 30 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:26,600 Speaker 1: have we been taught how to tune into, how to hear, 31 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:30,240 Speaker 1: and how to trust our intuition. So now you grow 32 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:35,400 Speaker 1: up without the necessary skills, tools and information to grow 33 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:39,720 Speaker 1: in your intuition. And your intuition is telling you Boo 34 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:43,640 Speaker 1: Boo is cheating. He's a ball faced liar, and you 35 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,520 Speaker 1: know it, and you hear that, And what you want 36 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:50,200 Speaker 1: to do is get evidence in the external world, evidence 37 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:54,080 Speaker 1: outside of yourself. So the question we're going to continue 38 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:57,679 Speaker 1: to discuss my three co hosts and I is what 39 00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,920 Speaker 1: do you do if and when you know your partner 40 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:04,440 Speaker 1: is cheating, but you're looking for evidence, external evidence? Can 41 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:17,560 Speaker 1: you imagine external evidence? Welcome back, to this conversation. Once 42 00:03:17,639 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 1: you get the sense or the feeling that someone is 43 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:26,320 Speaker 1: cheating or that's something there's a breakdown in the relationship. 44 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:31,280 Speaker 1: Is the issue the cheating or is the issue the 45 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:34,320 Speaker 1: breakdown in the relationship? I mean, do you think things 46 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:36,600 Speaker 1: are just fine and all of a sudden you get 47 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:39,480 Speaker 1: a sense of cheating or have there been things along 48 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:43,080 Speaker 1: the way that maybe you ignored? What do you think? 49 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:45,560 Speaker 2: Definitely a breakdown already. 50 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,960 Speaker 3: It is already a breakdown in the relationship. Already we 51 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:51,960 Speaker 3: all know nothing outside of it's already happen in an inside. 52 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,920 Speaker 3: It's already in the house, it's already going on. 53 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,680 Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, okay, mister lewis right. 54 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:02,160 Speaker 4: It's just a symptom of a disease, right that has 55 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:07,120 Speaker 4: now raised to your level of awareness. And so that 56 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:10,920 Speaker 4: just goes to show that you weren't even even though 57 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:14,560 Speaker 4: you're looking at your partner cheating, Not to say that 58 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:17,960 Speaker 4: there's something that you could have done differently, It just 59 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 4: means that there was somewhere along the relationship that you 60 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,680 Speaker 4: actually also checked out of the relationship as well. And 61 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:29,839 Speaker 4: so now because of the misalignment, right now, your back 62 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:32,800 Speaker 4: starts hurting, you know, now, you know, you don't really 63 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,320 Speaker 4: wake up with a spring in your step anymore. Right, 64 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:39,760 Speaker 4: there's something different that you can feel, But that person 65 00:04:39,839 --> 00:04:43,279 Speaker 4: is already light years ahead. They've already found some type 66 00:04:43,279 --> 00:04:47,000 Speaker 4: of remedy, and so they're already onto their own sort 67 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,599 Speaker 4: of healing journey for that misalignment. They already felt what 68 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:55,560 Speaker 4: was misaligned, and so they've already found their own little 69 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:56,080 Speaker 4: thing that. 70 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:56,920 Speaker 3: They have going on. 71 00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,719 Speaker 4: But you're just kind of dealing with the pieces of 72 00:04:59,839 --> 00:05:02,000 Speaker 4: you being able to detect it. But there was something 73 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,640 Speaker 4: that happened, uh in the in the history. So that's 74 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,000 Speaker 4: why when people, you know, come to me with their problems, 75 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,400 Speaker 4: I'm like, well, you know, there was something that happened 76 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,880 Speaker 4: way before this. You got to press the rewind you know, 77 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,600 Speaker 4: on your mind and get to the bottom of what's 78 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:15,120 Speaker 4: going on. 79 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:25,640 Speaker 1: Really mmmm, here's a good question. How do you distinguish 80 00:05:25,839 --> 00:05:30,479 Speaker 1: or make a distinction between your partner being distracted because 81 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:35,080 Speaker 1: they're cheating and them just being neglectful to your to 82 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:42,640 Speaker 1: the relationship. How do you distinguish that? Ms Kira, I'm 83 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,760 Speaker 1: coming to you. 84 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:49,560 Speaker 2: Well, I feel like when you're lazy and neglectful to 85 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,840 Speaker 2: the relationship, you'll be able to tell if that's not 86 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:57,080 Speaker 2: cheating per se, because again, like the signs will be 87 00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:00,880 Speaker 2: there for example, you know, just like if you're going 88 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:04,599 Speaker 2: through their their device, or you know, if they're just 89 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,839 Speaker 2: moving differently, you'll be able to see, you know where 90 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,680 Speaker 2: their time is being spent and you know what they're doing. 91 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,560 Speaker 2: I feel like neglect is just like, you know, if 92 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,880 Speaker 2: we're not, you know, going out on as many days, 93 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:19,080 Speaker 2: but that could be for other reasons like financial hardship, 94 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,480 Speaker 2: you know, things like that. It doesn't necessarily mean that 95 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:24,120 Speaker 2: your part is cheating because you know, you feel like 96 00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:27,080 Speaker 2: you guys aren't you know, doing as much or they're 97 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:29,520 Speaker 2: not putting as much into the relationship. So I feel 98 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,400 Speaker 2: like it's kind of jumping the gun for that. I 99 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:35,560 Speaker 2: feel like you'll have actual signs that you know your 100 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:39,159 Speaker 2: partner is cheating, but it wouldn't be based off of 101 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:41,480 Speaker 2: just not feeling like you're not getting what you need 102 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:42,400 Speaker 2: in the relationship. 103 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:50,120 Speaker 1: Okay, mispath, can you make a distinction between cheating and neglect? 104 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:54,120 Speaker 1: Did you because you've had this experience, did you make 105 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,160 Speaker 1: this I didn't make. 106 00:06:55,080 --> 00:07:00,240 Speaker 3: A distinction in between the neglect because the neglect was 107 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:05,000 Speaker 3: when the intimacy stopped. When that stopped? When when the 108 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:08,200 Speaker 3: when the when the love left my house? You know 109 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,120 Speaker 3: I would get up every morning, I would fixed breakfast, 110 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,320 Speaker 3: and every night we ate dinner together, but you know 111 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:17,880 Speaker 3: as a family, and when the oh, I ate already outside, 112 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:21,119 Speaker 3: you know kind of thing, or I'll get up extra 113 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:24,320 Speaker 3: early so I won't be up early enough to fix breakfast. 114 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,960 Speaker 3: You know, those things started leading, Okay, so when the 115 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:32,680 Speaker 3: love started leaving, yeah, And when the joy and the 116 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,800 Speaker 3: love started leaving out your house, and you know that's 117 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:39,080 Speaker 3: the neglect, that's the yeah. And then you know the 118 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,960 Speaker 3: cheating is in the midst of all of that, when 119 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,000 Speaker 3: those things started leaving. 120 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:47,320 Speaker 1: Mister Luke, do you make a distinction or can you? 121 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:51,640 Speaker 1: Should you make a distinction between neglect and cheating? 122 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:57,000 Speaker 4: Yeah, And that's a you know, should you can you, 123 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,280 Speaker 4: you know, make the distinction. You know, it's really one 124 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:02,800 Speaker 4: and the same. Even Miss Pat when she was sort 125 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:06,640 Speaker 4: of explaining it, you know, when the love leaves, it's 126 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:10,040 Speaker 4: almost as though that the cheating is the act, but 127 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:15,920 Speaker 4: the neglect is really the purpose behind the action, right, 128 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:20,760 Speaker 4: It's mostly really really you know, I am neglecting you 129 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:24,360 Speaker 4: by cheating on you with someone else. But I am 130 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:29,480 Speaker 4: neglectful of you is the it's really the it's really 131 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:34,120 Speaker 4: the positionality that you've created between you and that other person. 132 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:39,080 Speaker 4: So really, when we talk about neglectfulness, that looks like, 133 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:43,840 Speaker 4: you know, do I bring you your favorite meal? Do 134 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,880 Speaker 4: I stop by, you know, on the way from work 135 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,640 Speaker 4: and you know, bring you something thoughtful? Which was something 136 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:52,199 Speaker 4: that I used to do before that I stopped doing it. 137 00:08:52,679 --> 00:08:55,760 Speaker 4: And you know, I stop, you know, wearing my hair 138 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:58,440 Speaker 4: in the way that you like to you know, you 139 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:02,360 Speaker 4: know see me, or I stop wearing a particular perfume 140 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,800 Speaker 4: that I know that you like. You know, these are 141 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,720 Speaker 4: the little things that we do to show the other person. 142 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:10,000 Speaker 4: Are you noticing me right now? Are you seeing me? 143 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:13,360 Speaker 4: Are you seeing the shifts, the changes, the ebbs and 144 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,880 Speaker 4: the flows, the seasons of our own relationship? 145 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:16,120 Speaker 3: Right? 146 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:18,920 Speaker 4: Because we can grow and we can grow apart. We 147 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,120 Speaker 4: can grow together or we can grow apart. And so 148 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:24,600 Speaker 4: sometimes when you have a partner that is not really 149 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:29,280 Speaker 4: interested in the same topics that you're interested in, that's neglectful. 150 00:09:29,559 --> 00:09:29,719 Speaker 2: Right. 151 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:31,920 Speaker 4: If you can't sit and talk to me about my 152 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,560 Speaker 4: day at work, you're not interested about, you know, the 153 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:37,520 Speaker 4: people that I work with, my coworkers, and you may 154 00:09:37,559 --> 00:09:40,560 Speaker 4: not be interested in the nitty and the gritty, but 155 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:43,240 Speaker 4: I think that's someone that I'm actually, you know, in 156 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,040 Speaker 4: a relationship with. They should be interested in the nitty 157 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:48,560 Speaker 4: and the gritty. That that's not, you know, a cause 158 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,000 Speaker 4: for something that you can shut down or tune your 159 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:51,680 Speaker 4: ears out of. 160 00:09:51,880 --> 00:10:01,760 Speaker 1: You know, I love it, you know, for me, neglect, 161 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:05,760 Speaker 1: even neglect is a is a form of cheating. You know, 162 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:10,480 Speaker 1: when you're not paying attention to this union that we've 163 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:15,760 Speaker 1: created together. Your mind is elsewhere, your soul is elsewhere, 164 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:18,560 Speaker 1: your your body is elsewhere, whether you're in the bed 165 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:23,000 Speaker 1: with somebody else or not. Sometimes that neglect is the 166 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:27,840 Speaker 1: first sign of emotional cheating. You're you're giving your attention 167 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:33,439 Speaker 1: and your time somewhere else. We're gonna continue the conversation 168 00:10:33,679 --> 00:10:47,880 Speaker 1: right after this. Welcome back to the R Spot. I've 169 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:50,679 Speaker 1: got three co hosts on here with me today, and 170 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:54,080 Speaker 1: we are talking about the signs and the evidence of 171 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:58,720 Speaker 1: cheating and when you approach your partner about it, how 172 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,920 Speaker 1: you approach your partner about and what do you do 173 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,920 Speaker 1: if you don't have physical evidence. I think it's important 174 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,360 Speaker 1: that we get clear about what cheating is. So we're 175 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:09,920 Speaker 1: going to talk about that. Here's a question for my 176 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:13,480 Speaker 1: co host. I want a yes or no answer. Okay, 177 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:16,199 Speaker 1: just give me yes or no and I'll call you 178 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:21,840 Speaker 1: and then we can talk about why. Okay, you suspect 179 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:25,440 Speaker 1: your partner's cheating. You feel it, you see it, it's 180 00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:29,400 Speaker 1: in the space. Do you search their phone? Yes or no? 181 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:37,800 Speaker 1: Mister Luke, No, Miss Pat no, Miss. 182 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:52,520 Speaker 5: Caira yes, okay, all right, Okay, you suspect your partner's cheating. 183 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,559 Speaker 1: You can see it, feel it. It's something going on. 184 00:11:56,120 --> 00:12:03,080 Speaker 1: Do you get into their social media? Do you do 185 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:07,400 Speaker 1: you check that Facebook? No? Mispath says no, Miss Kira, yes, 186 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:16,080 Speaker 1: mister Luke, yes, okay as two yes, it's in one no, 187 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:20,640 Speaker 1: all right. You suspect your partner is cheating? Do you 188 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:26,199 Speaker 1: follow them? Do you follow them? Yes or no? Miss 189 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:35,239 Speaker 1: Pat for me, okay, mister Luke, yes, ha ha, Miss. 190 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:38,600 Speaker 2: Kira everything follow them like on social media? Or follow 191 00:12:38,679 --> 00:12:39,600 Speaker 2: them in real life? 192 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,040 Speaker 1: No? No, follow them in real life? Do you do 193 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:44,960 Speaker 1: you go out to see where they're going and what 194 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:45,480 Speaker 1: they're doing? 195 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:47,920 Speaker 3: I will, I will? 196 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:49,439 Speaker 2: I would? 197 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,600 Speaker 1: Okay, yes or the that's two yeses and the no. 198 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:56,240 Speaker 1: You suspect your partner is cheating? Uh, you feel it, 199 00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:58,760 Speaker 1: you see it, you sense it. Do you talk to 200 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:05,559 Speaker 1: their friends about it? Yes? Or no, mister Luke, No, no, 201 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:13,640 Speaker 1: Miss Pat no, Miss Kira. Now do you talk to 202 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:22,720 Speaker 1: your friends about it? Miss Caira not friends? No, mister Luke, no, 203 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:25,760 Speaker 1: Miss Pat. 204 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:26,080 Speaker 3: Yes. 205 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:32,800 Speaker 1: Okay, So let me ask you this when you if 206 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:37,959 Speaker 1: you should you suspect your partner is cheating? How much 207 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:44,080 Speaker 1: snooping is acceptable? How much snooping? How much digging do 208 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,240 Speaker 1: you do? Mister Luke? What do you think? 209 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,840 Speaker 4: Yeah? I think my answers are a little bit all 210 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:50,800 Speaker 4: over the place, and I had a couple of surprises 211 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,960 Speaker 4: in there. I think the thing that I like to 212 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:56,760 Speaker 4: do is I see myself just a collector of data. 213 00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,800 Speaker 4: I'm just looking for data points. And so if I'm 214 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:02,560 Speaker 4: just collect data, I just do it from a very 215 00:14:02,679 --> 00:14:07,120 Speaker 4: emotionless without emotion. I really don't really try to inject 216 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,319 Speaker 4: too much emotion into it. So as long as I'm 217 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:13,319 Speaker 4: collecting the data points, everything is cool. I'm calm, I'm cool, collected. 218 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,880 Speaker 4: You won't see any difference in me. I'm just collecting 219 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,400 Speaker 4: the information like a detective, you know. 220 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:24,160 Speaker 1: Okay, so everything nothing's off the table. You're gonna look 221 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,600 Speaker 1: where the data leads you. You're gonna ask what the 222 00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:31,400 Speaker 1: data leads you to. Okay, all right, miss pat When 223 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:35,960 Speaker 1: when you suspect your partner's shooting, how much snooping is acceptable? 224 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,520 Speaker 3: Well, I'm gonna tell you from my experience. Ere My 225 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:40,360 Speaker 3: mother used to always say, you're digging the trash team. 226 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:45,720 Speaker 3: You come up with garbage, right, and that was her favorite. 227 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,640 Speaker 3: My brother was that we should be ninety two years old, 228 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,400 Speaker 3: so that was her favorite thing to say. Right. So 229 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:51,600 Speaker 3: I never dug in the trash team. That's why I 230 00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:55,200 Speaker 3: answered no. But when in prayer, it would just show 231 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:58,040 Speaker 3: up to me. I didn't dig I promise you, yeah, 232 00:14:58,240 --> 00:14:58,960 Speaker 3: it would just show up. 233 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:02,640 Speaker 1: Yeah. But but that's why I said if I would 234 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:05,040 Speaker 1: sort of hit you out at lunch with shaquiedah, I'm 235 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:08,040 Speaker 1: coming over to the table because I'm collecting data. I'm 236 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:09,720 Speaker 1: collecting that, yeah, but to. 237 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:13,200 Speaker 3: Dig in your phone and follow you, you know. You know, 238 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,200 Speaker 3: in my experience, I had two children, so it was 239 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:17,280 Speaker 3: either I was gonna chase you or take care of them, 240 00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:19,960 Speaker 3: so I chose them. 241 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,640 Speaker 1: Okay, Ms Caira, if you think your partner's cheating, how 242 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:25,480 Speaker 1: much snooping is acceptable? 243 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,440 Speaker 2: I kind of. I kind of agree with Luke. I'm 244 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:33,160 Speaker 2: going to have a little case folder. So I totally understand. 245 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,520 Speaker 1: You go whip out your lawyer. You're looking for the 246 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:45,560 Speaker 1: evidence so that they're beyond a reasonable doubt. Okay, And 247 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:51,560 Speaker 1: here's another question. How much evidence is enough either for 248 00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:55,200 Speaker 1: you to leave or do you make an allegation or 249 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:59,240 Speaker 1: do you present the evidence? How much evidence is enough, 250 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:02,640 Speaker 1: mister Luke? How much evidence? 251 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:05,920 Speaker 4: Yeah, how much evidence is enough? That's a very very 252 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:09,520 Speaker 4: powerful question because if you really think about it, you know, 253 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:12,720 Speaker 4: when we first started, there was no evidence, right, there 254 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:16,200 Speaker 4: was no tangible evidence that the person can cling to. 255 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:20,880 Speaker 4: Only your soul felt that coldness, right, And so really 256 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:25,320 Speaker 4: I would say that that feeling you felt is enough 257 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,520 Speaker 4: from the beginning. And so we can go to miss 258 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:30,040 Speaker 4: pat route, which is saying that you know, what's done 259 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,160 Speaker 4: in the dark will will surely come to the light, 260 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:34,680 Speaker 4: and if I ask for the clarity, the clarity will 261 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,880 Speaker 4: be presented, or you know, we can fill it up 262 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:39,800 Speaker 4: to the brim and then you can just you know, 263 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,400 Speaker 4: have to deal with that, you know, and just kind 264 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,240 Speaker 4: of present it in a way where it's like, Okay, 265 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:48,760 Speaker 4: enough is enough, I've seen enough and I've you know, 266 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:52,440 Speaker 4: confirmed that deep pitted feeling, you know, so I think 267 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:55,440 Speaker 4: enough is really just that feeling that you felt from 268 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,040 Speaker 4: the beginning. 269 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:02,600 Speaker 1: Okay, miss pat How much evidence is enough to either 270 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:05,040 Speaker 1: leave or make the allegation? 271 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,000 Speaker 3: How much evidence does it have to be? 272 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:13,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, does it have to be tangible or or could 273 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,400 Speaker 1: it be like you said, the love left, We don't 274 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:18,840 Speaker 1: eat together, we're not sleeping together. You forgot my birthday, 275 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,960 Speaker 1: you don't show up for me in any kind of way. 276 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,640 Speaker 1: How much evidence is enough? 277 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:29,159 Speaker 3: All of that, all of that, it was enough for 278 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:32,800 Speaker 3: me when it stops showing up. When when the when 279 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:35,480 Speaker 3: you know, when the you know, it's like a house 280 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:36,880 Speaker 3: when you don't you know, if you got a house, 281 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,560 Speaker 3: and you had your house for twenty thirty years, if 282 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:40,200 Speaker 3: you didn't start, if you didn't keep working on your house, 283 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:43,240 Speaker 3: your house going to fall apart. So when you wasn't 284 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,080 Speaker 3: long to continue working on this house and it all 285 00:17:45,119 --> 00:17:47,440 Speaker 3: started to fall apart, and the joy and the love 286 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:50,040 Speaker 3: and the peace and harmony started to leave, and that 287 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,399 Speaker 3: was enough to me, That was enough to me. 288 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:56,800 Speaker 1: Okay, ms Kira, you're young, so let me ask you 289 00:17:56,840 --> 00:18:02,920 Speaker 1: this way. How many receipts do you need I think 290 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:04,440 Speaker 1: how many. 291 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:07,200 Speaker 2: I think I would Yeah, I kind of I feel 292 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:10,000 Speaker 2: like I would need as many as I could get. 293 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,920 Speaker 2: But you know, if I if I collect as many 294 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,879 Speaker 2: as I could get, and that's like a lot, you know, 295 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,159 Speaker 2: a little is a lot to me. So it's just 296 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:20,879 Speaker 2: like the fact that I even have all this information 297 00:18:21,119 --> 00:18:23,960 Speaker 2: is just like that's enough. Like I feel like you, 298 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:26,640 Speaker 2: you know, you violated my trust at this point, and 299 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,600 Speaker 2: it's just something that I don't feel like I would 300 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,520 Speaker 2: be able to, you know, come back from. So just 301 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:35,080 Speaker 2: I feel like I don't know. One receipt is enough 302 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,320 Speaker 2: for me if I if I suspect it, that's what 303 00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:39,560 Speaker 2: it is, you know, like if I see something that's. 304 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:40,000 Speaker 3: Enough for me. 305 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:47,639 Speaker 1: That's a very good point. Because some relationships have survived cheating, 306 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:54,120 Speaker 1: some have survived. What do you think is required for 307 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:58,119 Speaker 1: a relationship? Well, let me ask you this. Let me 308 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:01,520 Speaker 1: ask you this before I go there. Once you get 309 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:05,960 Speaker 1: your case file, your receipts, your evidence, because all of 310 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:09,399 Speaker 1: y'all have fled and something different, do you pressent the 311 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:12,680 Speaker 1: evidence to the person or do you just hold on 312 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,480 Speaker 1: to it until you figure out what you want to do? 313 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,440 Speaker 1: What do you do? What do you do, mister Luke, 314 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:22,399 Speaker 1: Do you present the evidence or do you just hold 315 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:25,200 Speaker 1: on to it until you're clear about what you're doing. 316 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:28,359 Speaker 4: You should definitely hold on to it until you're clear, 317 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:31,920 Speaker 4: because you don't want to move from a place of emotion. 318 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:35,320 Speaker 4: You want to move from a place of I've meditated 319 00:19:35,359 --> 00:19:39,679 Speaker 4: on this, I've really done a lot of soul searching, 320 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:43,159 Speaker 4: and now what the ball is in my court? You know, 321 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,720 Speaker 4: the train has already left the station, and so now 322 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,199 Speaker 4: it's about what are you going to do? And so 323 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:53,000 Speaker 4: even you presenting the evidence is mostly just you know, 324 00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:55,040 Speaker 4: you're telling the person this is where you you did. 325 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:57,280 Speaker 4: The person knows what they did at that point, right, 326 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:00,520 Speaker 4: it's just saying that I know what you did. So 327 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,200 Speaker 4: it's really just about do you want to stand this 328 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:05,840 Speaker 4: relationship or do you want to mend the relationship from 329 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:06,399 Speaker 4: this point? 330 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,240 Speaker 1: Okay, miss pat what do you do? Do you present 331 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:14,800 Speaker 1: the evidence once you get it, once your case files 332 00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:18,399 Speaker 1: is closed, or do you hold on to it until 333 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:19,800 Speaker 1: you're clear about what you're doing? 334 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,760 Speaker 3: You hold on I hold I held on to it 335 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,960 Speaker 3: till I was clear, and I was you know, like 336 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,439 Speaker 3: I said, did some lot of introspection and had a 337 00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:32,560 Speaker 3: lot of self awareness, because I want to say, is 338 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:36,040 Speaker 3: that I, when I did digging within myself, I cheated 339 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:40,320 Speaker 3: on me. First m making like I didn't know what 340 00:20:40,359 --> 00:20:40,680 Speaker 3: I knew. 341 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:48,240 Speaker 1: Okay, okay, okay, you violated yourself, You betrayed your own trust. 342 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:53,919 Speaker 1: Yes by staying okay, good good mss caira. Do you 343 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:59,119 Speaker 1: present your receipts I've got receipts right here, or do 344 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:03,040 Speaker 1: you hold on? Do you hold on two her until 345 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:05,159 Speaker 1: you are clear about what you're gonna do? 346 00:21:05,359 --> 00:21:05,560 Speaker 3: Well? 347 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:09,359 Speaker 2: I feel like with me, Missianla, I have to be 348 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,760 Speaker 2: smooth with it. So I can't just present it writ 349 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:14,639 Speaker 2: then and there. I have to because the thing is like, 350 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:19,240 Speaker 2: it doesn't make sense to present that information to them 351 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:21,680 Speaker 2: as soon as you get it if you are going 352 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,320 Speaker 2: to just end up, you know, deciding to be with them, 353 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:27,080 Speaker 2: and if you tell them, then they're just gonna feel 354 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,240 Speaker 2: like okay, Like she knows that I cheated on her 355 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:33,000 Speaker 2: and so we might get back together. Like she's basically 356 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,600 Speaker 2: saying that that's okay, I know what you did, but 357 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,120 Speaker 2: we're gonna still be together. So what's the point if 358 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,399 Speaker 2: you're gonna get back to that person. That's kind of 359 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:41,360 Speaker 2: how I feel. 360 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:46,880 Speaker 1: I think that that's an important point because some relationships 361 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:52,520 Speaker 1: have survived cheating. Some relationships have survived. What would be 362 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:59,760 Speaker 1: required for you to survive beyond cheating? And we'll talk 363 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:12,280 Speaker 1: about that when we come back. Welcome back to the 364 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:18,960 Speaker 1: R spot. Let's talk to you, miss Pat, because I'm 365 00:22:19,119 --> 00:22:22,920 Speaker 1: hearing I could be wrong that your relationship didn't survive 366 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:27,360 Speaker 1: beyond the cheating. What would be required for you to 367 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:28,840 Speaker 1: survive beyond cheating? 368 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:35,160 Speaker 3: Well, it didn't survive, of course, it did not survive. 369 00:22:37,119 --> 00:22:39,200 Speaker 3: I just I really just had to go to work. 370 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:42,680 Speaker 3: I had to go to work on me. That's all. 371 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:46,160 Speaker 3: That's No, it survived. How I survived, I should say 372 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,960 Speaker 3: I had to go. I had to go to work 373 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,320 Speaker 3: on myro. I had to go to work, and so 374 00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:54,359 Speaker 3: we're en doing that work. It helped me to really 375 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,359 Speaker 3: just come into a lot of self awareness and how 376 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:06,320 Speaker 3: I had a nick in that quarter. So that's what tell. 377 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,560 Speaker 1: Me more about that. What does that mean? I had 378 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,160 Speaker 1: a nickel in that quarter? Can tell me what that means? 379 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:14,280 Speaker 3: Because I allowed it. I allowed so much to happen. 380 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:19,000 Speaker 3: I accommodated it, I tolerated it. 381 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,199 Speaker 1: Okay, So I. 382 00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:22,320 Speaker 3: Had a nickel on that quarter if I had fifteen cent. 383 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:31,320 Speaker 6: But yeah, okay, mister Luke, what would be required to 384 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:33,040 Speaker 6: survive beyond cheating? 385 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:37,640 Speaker 1: Because we've already established that there were holes or breakdowns 386 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:42,240 Speaker 1: in the relationship anyway, So what would be required to 387 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,760 Speaker 1: survive beyond cheating? 388 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:48,320 Speaker 4: Yeah, I think that the key thing to survive beyond 389 00:23:48,359 --> 00:23:53,760 Speaker 4: this cheating is a nakedness. I think that to really 390 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:58,320 Speaker 4: look at someone, look look into their eyes, you know, 391 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:02,080 Speaker 4: gaze into their soul. You know, that's what's really required 392 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:05,000 Speaker 4: to survive beyond the cheatingess. I have to see you 393 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:08,120 Speaker 4: in the way that you want to be seen, and 394 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,600 Speaker 4: you have to see me in the way that I 395 00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:13,199 Speaker 4: want to be seen. You know, we have to be 396 00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:16,679 Speaker 4: naked unto one another. And so what that means is 397 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:20,840 Speaker 4: bearing our truths to one another. There's something in this 398 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:26,680 Speaker 4: relationship that needs air. It's crying out for space, it's 399 00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:29,080 Speaker 4: crying out for breath, and so I have to breathe 400 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:32,720 Speaker 4: life into whatever it is, the cracks, the crevices of 401 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,800 Speaker 4: your soul that you're not allowing to bring to light, 402 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:39,640 Speaker 4: and so I want to. And I think that that's 403 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,800 Speaker 4: what is required if we want to you know, in 404 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:44,960 Speaker 4: the same way that we accommodate the cheating, we have 405 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:48,600 Speaker 4: to also accommodate, you know, the love the light and 406 00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:49,639 Speaker 4: bring that forward. 407 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:58,240 Speaker 1: Ms caira Young What would be what would be required 408 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:01,160 Speaker 1: to survive cheating and the the seats that you got. 409 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:06,240 Speaker 2: I think for me, it would just a big turning 410 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:09,000 Speaker 2: point for me would be like are you taking accountability 411 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,120 Speaker 2: for your actions? Like that would be a major thing 412 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:16,880 Speaker 2: just me feeling like, you know, he fully understands the 413 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:20,159 Speaker 2: error and the mistake you know that he made, and 414 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:24,600 Speaker 2: that would be very like detrimental for me. And if 415 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,119 Speaker 2: you kind of feel like if you cheat in the relationship, 416 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:30,280 Speaker 2: I feel like it's something internally, you know, like what 417 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,760 Speaker 2: we've been talking about that you kind of need to 418 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:35,680 Speaker 2: work on. So if that means like you know, therapy, 419 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,960 Speaker 2: I feel like that's really frowned upon, especially like in 420 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,760 Speaker 2: the black community as well, then maybe you need to 421 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:44,560 Speaker 2: take that route because those things can also be something 422 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:47,159 Speaker 2: that came from like your childhood or things that you've 423 00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,800 Speaker 2: seen as well. So it's just we would really have 424 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,919 Speaker 2: to like figure out why you did that if we 425 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:55,560 Speaker 2: are going to stay in the relationship. If not, then 426 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:56,520 Speaker 2: it wouldn't work for me. 427 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:06,600 Speaker 1: When I summarize because I'm a teacher. Teacher when I 428 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:14,760 Speaker 1: summarize everything that we've kind of gathered today, you think 429 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:18,320 Speaker 1: your partnershiating, you believe it, you sense it, you feel it. 430 00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:23,960 Speaker 1: Step one, have the conversation and share your experience. This 431 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,160 Speaker 1: is what I'm seeing, this is what I'm feeling, this 432 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:29,960 Speaker 1: is what I've noticed. Is there something we need to do? 433 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:32,720 Speaker 1: Can my co hosts agree on that? 434 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:33,200 Speaker 4: Agreed? 435 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:40,240 Speaker 1: Okay? Step number two ask the questions, ask what you 436 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,360 Speaker 1: want to know? Are you seeing somebody? Are you are 437 00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:46,960 Speaker 1: you cheating? Are you happy in this relationship? Is there 438 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:49,480 Speaker 1: something that's missing? Is there something we need to do? 439 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:52,160 Speaker 1: Are you willing to do what needs to be done? 440 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:53,960 Speaker 1: Can my co hosts agree on that? 441 00:26:54,119 --> 00:26:54,439 Speaker 4: Agree? 442 00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:05,480 Speaker 1: Okay? Step number three, seek evidence and collect that get 443 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:11,719 Speaker 1: them receipts, Get them receipts. Okay? Can my co hosts 444 00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:19,240 Speaker 1: agree on that? Okay? Step number four trust your intuition, 445 00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:24,679 Speaker 1: with or without evidence. Trust your intuition, honor what you know, 446 00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:28,440 Speaker 1: and recognize that you may be wrong, you may be off, 447 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:32,840 Speaker 1: but at least begin to trust your intuition. Can we 448 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:40,320 Speaker 1: agree on that? Are okay? Step number five employ the 449 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:46,520 Speaker 1: sacred geometry of choice. Choose based on what you're experiencing, 450 00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:50,200 Speaker 1: what you're seeing, what you're feeling, what you're hearing. Choose 451 00:27:50,359 --> 00:27:54,840 Speaker 1: whether or not this is the relationship and the conditions 452 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:59,640 Speaker 1: of this relationship or what you want for yourself. Can 453 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:03,960 Speaker 1: we agree you on that? All right? Well, we've got 454 00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:08,960 Speaker 1: a clear roadmap about what to do. What to do 455 00:28:09,119 --> 00:28:13,439 Speaker 1: five steps. I want to have the conversation, share your experience, 456 00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:16,360 Speaker 1: ask questions about what you want to know, seek evidence, 457 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:20,760 Speaker 1: trust your intuition, and then make a choice. Anything else 458 00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:22,159 Speaker 1: you want to add, mister. 459 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:25,199 Speaker 4: Luke, I just want to say that, you know, like 460 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:28,359 Speaker 4: you said, the sacred geometry of choice is your power 461 00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:31,639 Speaker 4: right and so you can choose to act within that power, 462 00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:35,080 Speaker 4: choose to act from a place of you know, emotionless, 463 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:38,800 Speaker 4: or you can choose today what you want and what 464 00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:43,160 Speaker 4: you will allow and disallow that can really build you 465 00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:46,320 Speaker 4: up or break you down. Ms. 466 00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:51,640 Speaker 1: Kira, our baby and the group. Anything else you want 467 00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:52,280 Speaker 1: to add. 468 00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:56,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, definitely, because this is something I've been practicing, just 469 00:28:56,400 --> 00:29:01,000 Speaker 2: like you know before anything else. You know, you love yourself. 470 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:04,280 Speaker 2: I feel like that's something that we need to really 471 00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:07,360 Speaker 2: like implement in our brains a little bit more like 472 00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:10,240 Speaker 2: it's okay, to take care of yourself and you know, 473 00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:13,720 Speaker 2: love on yourself before, because you can't love anybody else 474 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:16,120 Speaker 2: if you don't, you know, love yourself. So I feel 475 00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:20,160 Speaker 2: like that's very important, you know, for everybody, you know, 476 00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:23,960 Speaker 2: because I'm going through I just had you know, well 477 00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:27,360 Speaker 2: not just had her, but my daughter. She's two years old, 478 00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:29,800 Speaker 2: and it was really hard for me after having her. 479 00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:33,320 Speaker 2: So I'm trying to, you know, come back to loving myself. 480 00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:35,280 Speaker 2: And it's a journey, but I feel like that's the 481 00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:38,560 Speaker 2: first step before you can get into any relationship, is 482 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:39,880 Speaker 2: just focusing on yourself. 483 00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:46,120 Speaker 1: All right, miss pat You've been there, done that. Anything 484 00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:50,680 Speaker 1: else you want to add about knowing and your partner's 485 00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:52,040 Speaker 1: cheating is. 486 00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:56,720 Speaker 3: To be self aware and always check in with you first, 487 00:29:57,080 --> 00:30:00,160 Speaker 3: because before because nothing outside of us is happening, So 488 00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:04,880 Speaker 3: always check in first with you. That's, you know, that 489 00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:08,120 Speaker 3: was something that I had to develop, is learn how 490 00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:10,320 Speaker 3: to check in with me. 491 00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:12,920 Speaker 4: First, because what is it in me that. 492 00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:19,160 Speaker 3: Allowing you know, accommodating, And it's not just in relationships, 493 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:21,960 Speaker 3: it's in all relationships, especially the one I'm having with myself. 494 00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:26,240 Speaker 1: So let me ask you this was he was he 495 00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:27,400 Speaker 1: was he cheating? 496 00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:28,240 Speaker 3: Yes he was. 497 00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:34,360 Speaker 1: Okay, okay, And is that what caused the relationship, I mean, 498 00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:37,520 Speaker 1: caused you to finally step out of the relationship, Yes. 499 00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:40,240 Speaker 3: Ma'am, it was It was the cheating and yeah he 500 00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:45,120 Speaker 3: went and he's currently with cursing now. Yeah. 501 00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:48,760 Speaker 1: M You know, for the past few weeks, I've been 502 00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:52,600 Speaker 1: working on this concept of is your hair on fire? 503 00:30:54,280 --> 00:31:01,120 Speaker 1: Is your hair off? And those principles. While I apply them, 504 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:05,840 Speaker 1: I'm offering people to apply them to yourself first. As 505 00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:09,360 Speaker 1: Miss pat said, to be self aware. I think there 506 00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:14,200 Speaker 1: are also principles that we can apply to a relationship 507 00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:18,800 Speaker 1: and when there's a suspicion of cheating. Number one honesty, 508 00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:21,920 Speaker 1: Are you being honest with your partner? And can you 509 00:31:22,040 --> 00:31:25,280 Speaker 1: trust that your partner is being honest with you just 510 00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:28,000 Speaker 1: about where they are in the relationship, where they are 511 00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:31,320 Speaker 1: in their life, Because if you don't have honesty, your 512 00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:34,960 Speaker 1: hair will eventually burn off your head. The second one 513 00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:39,320 Speaker 1: is accountability. Is your partner accountable to you? Are they 514 00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:44,120 Speaker 1: accountable for their selves? Are they willing to be accountable 515 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:49,120 Speaker 1: for their behavior their presence in the relationship? Because without accountability, 516 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:56,280 Speaker 1: you will begin to accommodate, tolerate, diminished denied, dismiss those 517 00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:59,840 Speaker 1: things that don't honor who you are and that don't bring, 518 00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:05,240 Speaker 1: as mister Luke said, fresh air to the relationship. Integrity. 519 00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:09,120 Speaker 1: Is this a person who has values that they live by? 520 00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:12,640 Speaker 1: Do they have values that they live for? Is this 521 00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:17,200 Speaker 1: a person who honors their word? They do what they 522 00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:20,479 Speaker 1: say they're gonna do when they and are you a 523 00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:24,960 Speaker 1: person of integrity both internal and external? Can I trust 524 00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:27,280 Speaker 1: that you will do the right thing even when I'm 525 00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:33,000 Speaker 1: not looking? That for me is about integrity and finally, responsibility. 526 00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:39,120 Speaker 1: Are we both taking responsibility for the health and the vibrancy, 527 00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:45,640 Speaker 1: the air, the life, the nurturing, the nourishment of this relationship. 528 00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:49,880 Speaker 1: Because if you don't have those four things honesty, accountability, integrity, 529 00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:55,760 Speaker 1: and responsibility by both partners that relationship not only the 530 00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:59,680 Speaker 1: hair on the people's head, but that relationship, it's gonna 531 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:03,080 Speaker 1: burn down to the ground. So I want to thank 532 00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:06,240 Speaker 1: you for being my very first co host. I think 533 00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:11,600 Speaker 1: this was an exciting, exciting conversation, and I'm sure that 534 00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:14,480 Speaker 1: there are those of our listeners who are going to 535 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:16,960 Speaker 1: be able to tune right into what you would saying. 536 00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:19,479 Speaker 1: I thank you so much for being with me today 537 00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:22,200 Speaker 1: and I thank you for listening to The R Spot. 538 00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:25,280 Speaker 1: Hopefully you got something that you can use in your 539 00:33:25,360 --> 00:33:29,200 Speaker 1: life and we'll be back real soon. In the meantime, 540 00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:36,200 Speaker 1: stay in peace and not in peace. It bye. The 541 00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:40,280 Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 542 00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:45,440 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the 543 00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:50,200 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your 544 00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:50,920 Speaker 1: favorite show.