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Speaker 1: Hey, hey, hey, we're back and we're double black and

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Speaker 1: brown this time around. Oh that was a rhyme. I

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Speaker 1: didn't even mean it. Wow, Mandy, I'm getting really good

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Speaker 1: at this rap.

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Speaker 2: Don't tell them, they'll think that you're talented at it.

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Speaker 2: Now your intros. Guys, have we got a show for

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Speaker 2: you tonight. It is the showdown of all showdowns, the

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Speaker 2: Battle of the Sexes Royale episode that you had that

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Speaker 2: you knew nothing about, but that has been in the

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Speaker 2: works for three years now, three once once a year.

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Speaker 2: For three years we have been emailing the guys at

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Speaker 2: paychecks and balances who you know, you know, we're doing

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Speaker 2: their thing when we were doing our thing and starting

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Speaker 2: the podcast, and it's been really exciting to see them

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Speaker 2: grow as we've grown. And I've always wanted to have

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Speaker 2: these guys on the show and thought it would be

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Speaker 2: fun to do kind of like a Battle of the

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Speaker 2: Sexes debate over some of the most common uh this

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Speaker 2: disagreements shall we say that couples have? So they're finally

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Speaker 2: here Rich and Marcus from paychecks and balances.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I appreciate it. Appreciate I want to be clear,

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Speaker 3: we didn't leave you all long read we responded to

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Speaker 3: the emails like they came across, like, man, they do

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Speaker 3: good for us. They don't even check the emails, like

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Speaker 3: that's not what happened.

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Speaker 1: You forget you, forget you. You're on home term, So

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Speaker 1: be a listeners trying to hear that.

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Speaker 2: I just say, first of all, thank you for bringing

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Speaker 2: your quiet storms voice.

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Speaker 3: Oh yeah, yeah, I guess we should. This is Marcus.

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Speaker 3: We always assume that people know the voices. So this

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Speaker 3: is Marcus and Paychecks and Balances and.

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Speaker 4: This was Rich.

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Speaker 2: Hey guys, so for let's just pretend like we don't

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Speaker 2: have a lot of the same listeners. I feel like

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Speaker 2: we do. I feel like our listeners just you know,

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Speaker 2: they try and double dip. But hell, tell Brown Ambition

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Speaker 2: who you guys are in a quick little bit about

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Speaker 2: your story and about the podcast Paychecks and Balances.

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Speaker 5: Yes, so we are a personal finance and career advice

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Speaker 5: podcast geared toward millennials, but we've had people who aren't

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Speaker 5: millennials hit us up and say, yo, you got forty

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Speaker 5: somethings listening, fifty somethings listening, And really, what we try

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Speaker 5: to do is just keep it light, fun, relatable, informative,

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Speaker 5: none of that talking head person in a suit lecturing

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Speaker 5: you about personal finance or lecturing you about how to

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Speaker 5: grow in your career. And so, yeah, we have shows

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Speaker 5: where it's just us. We have shows where we bring

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Speaker 5: on guests, we admit what we don't know. We don't

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Speaker 5: purport to be experts. We kind of just have honest

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Speaker 5: conversations about our experiences, the good, the bad.

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Speaker 3: And I think we both had our fair share of

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Speaker 3: ugly too. Yeah, and I believe we've had you both on.

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Speaker 3: I was over here. I was hoping Rich would go

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Speaker 3: a little bit longer side and get my Google search

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Speaker 3: on over here. So we had the budgetiche on episode

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Speaker 3: one O two. If y'all would to jump across it,

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Speaker 3: I'm gonna have to key in the background a bit

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Speaker 3: longer to get this other episode background. No, no, I

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Speaker 3: was actually on mute. I'm like, no, don't end, and

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Speaker 3: then he ended. I came back. I jumped in real quick.

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Speaker 4: I'm just trying to respect time.

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Speaker 1: We're excited to have you on because there are some

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Speaker 1: things that we have. The token mail listener Jamal, Hey, Jamal,

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Speaker 1: So that's not really his name, that's that's just what

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Speaker 1: we call the male listeners that listen lamon and so

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Speaker 1: it would just be dope for our listeners to hear.

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Speaker 1: Are there different perspectives when it comes to money as

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Speaker 1: it relates to the different sexes? What a guys think?

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Speaker 1: What a girls think? All you already?

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Speaker 3: Yes?

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Speaker 4: I think we are.

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Speaker 1: I am already.

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Speaker 2: I'm like string over here. Six years of long term

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Speaker 2: relationship has prepared me for this moment. Okay, yeah, I'm

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Speaker 2: a little stressed, ill equipped now, okay, okay, this is

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Speaker 2: my favorite question. So you guys found this from Twitter.

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Speaker 2: Actually you found a story about it. Man, So this

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Speaker 2: is someone who tweeted this. So I don't know who

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Speaker 2: their Twitter name is, sorry person, but they read a

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Speaker 2: story about a man who saved forty five thousand dollars.

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Speaker 2: This person got buried, and his wife put five thousand

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Speaker 2: dollars into the savings account. They say. Shortly after, she

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Speaker 2: spent all the fifty thousand dollars and paid off her

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Speaker 2: student loans without the husband's knowledge or approval. Do y'all

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Speaker 2: think she was wrong?

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Speaker 3: Yes? And I specifically said I'd shout out I want

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Speaker 3: her sicken her followers on me. So at Queen Latilly

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Speaker 3: submitted that at quit Latilly. So I appreciate that she

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Speaker 3: specifically said shout me out. I think she said or else.

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Speaker 3: And yes she was wrong because like, where was the conversation? Plus,

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Speaker 3: even if there wasn't a conversation, I'm gonna feel some

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Speaker 3: type of way about forty five thousand dollars regardless. I

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Speaker 3: can't think of any I can't think of no scenario

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Speaker 3: i'd be cool with. Uh, maybe I just don't have

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Speaker 3: my money right, but if you take forty five thousand

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Speaker 3: dollars of it, I'm gonnaeel some type of way about it.

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Speaker 2: I can't why she had to do it without telling him, Like,

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Speaker 2: so let's just cut back the issue here. So the

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Speaker 2: idea is if you, if you bring more to a

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Speaker 2: marriage in terms of savings, but your spouse has debt,

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Speaker 2: is it cool for them to or for you? Like,

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Speaker 2: do you if you're the spouse with the money saved,

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Speaker 2: are you cool with spending the money giving your spouse

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Speaker 2: that money to pay off their debt? And if you're

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Speaker 2: the spouse who needs the money, is it cool for

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Speaker 2: you to ask? I feel like that's the key questions here.

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Speaker 5: I mean, so, med, I think it's okay, go ahead,

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Speaker 5: So I think it's okay to ask. And I've heard

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Speaker 5: stories like this before. I actually work with someone who

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Speaker 5: a big chunk of what he did, or a big

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Speaker 5: part of what he did, was pay off his wife's debt,

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Speaker 5: Like he proactively did that. And what I've learned is

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Speaker 5: there are some people that have this mindset of since

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Speaker 5: it's us, what's mine is yours, and yours is mine.

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Speaker 5: But that's a conversation that needs to be had, and

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Speaker 5: that whole part was skipped here. So her just going

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Speaker 5: in her just going in there and just paying it all,

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Speaker 5: Like that's crazy to me, Like nothing, not even a

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Speaker 5: hey I'm logging, not even a I see this money here,

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Speaker 5: just I'm just straight paid off and let you find

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Speaker 5: out while you're in the bathroom, like come on, man.

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Speaker 2: Or you go to eyes your money and there's none there.

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Speaker 1: Say, I completely agree. I think that that is ridiculous.

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Speaker 1: First of all, even if let's just say they would

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Speaker 1: have put fifty to fifty in the issue is that

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Speaker 1: if over a certain amount of money, you know a

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Speaker 1: conversation should be had because you know, we're working together

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Speaker 1: as a team, so we have a joint account and

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Speaker 1: both of our money's in there. I just feel like,

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Speaker 1: you two thousand dollars is a lot of money to

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Speaker 1: spend without saying, Hey, heads up, you know I'm doing

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Speaker 1: this thing, or I really want to do this thing.

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Speaker 1: Can we talk about it. I just think that that

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Speaker 1: is crazy that she thought the unmitigated goal to go

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Speaker 1: in and not say anything to me. That's theft. And

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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie. I'll be looking like I don't

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Speaker 1: know it's gonna work out, my mom, because for real.

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Speaker 4: It just it's for dismissal.

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Speaker 1: It really is, honestly to me, because it's not so

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Speaker 1: much about the money, but it's a mindset of that

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Speaker 1: you thought that it would be okay one to not

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Speaker 1: communicate something so huge to me, two to make the

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Speaker 1: decision without involving me, and three, quite honestly, that's my

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Speaker 1: money you stole. You're a thief.

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Speaker 3: I do like the idea of, like, what is your

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Speaker 3: minimum negotiation about? Like so for like let's say, if

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Speaker 3: it's a joint account, you could spend up to like

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Speaker 3: a thousand dollars, you don't got to check in with

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Speaker 3: your one hundred dollars or whatever that amount is. I

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Speaker 3: do think people should come to that agreement. I like

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Speaker 3: to have that in place. I mean, I don't like

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Speaker 3: to do joint accounts, but that being said, if I did,

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Speaker 3: I would also like to know, like, all right, if

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Speaker 3: a thousand dollars disappeared, that's cool. I might feel some

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Speaker 3: type of way about it. Hopefully you come for me

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Speaker 3: at first nine hundred ninety nine, but like that's our agreement.

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Speaker 3: But another thing that's like kind of throwing me off

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Speaker 3: here is it was a lump sum payment, Like she

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Speaker 3: just wrote a fifty thousand dollars check. Let's just clear

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Speaker 3: out the account.

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Speaker 2: Is that routing number in that account number? I mean,

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Speaker 2: copy and paste, copy and paste, but.

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Speaker 1: You brought up go ahead, go ahead, Mandy.

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Speaker 2: No, I was going to segue, but you finish up.

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Speaker 1: No, I was just gonna take because like recently, like

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Speaker 1: just a week ago, I approached my husband and I said,

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Speaker 1: you know, I want to help my parents, you know,

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Speaker 1: and we actually we're gonna go over this a little later, right,

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Speaker 1: I said, what.

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Speaker 2: Are you skipping debates? You skipping debates?

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Speaker 1: Oh? My bad, my bad, my bad, my bad. Let

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Speaker 1: me back.

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Speaker 2: Go ahead, okay, so real quick, because Marcus, that was

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Speaker 2: Marcus right, quiet Storm's voice. You said you brought up

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Speaker 2: joint accounts, So let's talk about that as an issue here,

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Speaker 2: because we get that question from listeners from time to time.

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Speaker 2: How do you guys? Because Tiff and I are both married,

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Speaker 2: I forget y'all situation. I don't want to put your

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Speaker 2: business out there, But are you in relationships? Are you married? Single?

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Speaker 4: So we are.

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Speaker 5: However, the relationship that I was probably in last time

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Speaker 5: is not the same one that I'm in today. Yeah,

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Speaker 5: and actually a lot of the the money lessons I learned,

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Speaker 5: it wasn't until after this relationship ended that I realized

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Speaker 5: how much money played a role throughout. Which is also

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Speaker 5: crazy to have a podcast it's about personal finance, but

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Speaker 5: then money also be such a big topic in your relationship. So, yes,

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Speaker 5: we're both in relationships, Marcus, I don't know if there's

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Speaker 5: anything special do you want to say to Booboo?

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Speaker 3: Yes, I'm also in a relationship, no children and not

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Speaker 3: yet engaged. I guess I'm engaged to be engaged.

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Speaker 2: Okay, we'll talk about what that means in a minute.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, can you commit or get what?

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Speaker 1: Okay?

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Speaker 2: So joint joint accounts is what I wanted to talk about,

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Speaker 2: because you know, we're all in committed relationships. It sounds like,

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Speaker 2: I mean maybe committed to be committed. So, well, how

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Speaker 2: do you guys feel about joint accounts, Because I you know,

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Speaker 2: in my personal in my marriage, it took us we've

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Speaker 2: been together for six and a half years now, we

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Speaker 2: were not from the get go joint accounts, but I

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Speaker 2: would say about as soon as as soon as we

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Speaker 2: moved in together, that is when passwords were shared, mint

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Speaker 2: accounts for created, and it wasn't that we had the

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Speaker 2: same account, but we were at least able to see

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Speaker 2: what the other had going on. And then to this

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Speaker 2: day we don't have joint accounts, but we just have visibility.

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Speaker 2: So that's how our approaches. But I'm interested what y'all's

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Speaker 2: y'all's take.

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Speaker 5: Is, Yeah, this is something that I have a lot

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Speaker 5: of experience with so and it's also interesting the whole

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Speaker 5: idea of whether or not you should have joint accounts

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Speaker 5: based off of where you are in your relationships. So

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Speaker 5: there are some folks who say you shouldn't have any

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Speaker 5: join accounts unless you're married. There are other people who say,

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Speaker 5: even if you're married, you shouldn't have joint accounts. And

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Speaker 5: what was a really big issue. And I'll do this

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Speaker 5: without throwing shade, but what was really a big issue

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Speaker 5: is that we had a joint credit card together, and

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Speaker 5: so what would happen and this ultimately became a bigger thing,

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Speaker 5: which I will spare many of the details, but what

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Speaker 5: ultimately happened is is it became well, I figured you

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Speaker 5: were making more, so you would pay it off and

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Speaker 5: we'd be okay. That's how relationships work, Like you make

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Speaker 5: so much more than I do. And so what happened

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Speaker 5: is there would be all of these charges that would

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Speaker 5: get put on there and then at the end of

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Speaker 5: the month or at the end of the relationship, I'm like, wait,

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Speaker 5: there's all this money that's been spent that was not

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Speaker 5: things that I bought or that I can even tangibly

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Speaker 5: see or something that I've eaten. And in some ways

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Speaker 5: it created a lot of a frustration, is what I'll

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Speaker 5: call it. And I learned from that, like, I will

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Speaker 5: never do that again. I will never have unless I

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Speaker 5: I mean, maybe it'll be different at the point where

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Speaker 5: I'm actually married, but I will never be in another

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Speaker 5: situation where I have somebody as an authorized user on

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Speaker 5: my credit card and then they're like, hey, can you

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Speaker 5: do this because it helps my credit score? Can you

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Speaker 5: pay this now? Because you know my score is lower

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Speaker 5: and this balance is messing me up, So I am

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Speaker 5: a go ahead.

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Speaker 2: Did you end up holding the bag with that credit

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Speaker 2: card debt after the relationship ended.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I did.

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Speaker 5: And there was a period of time where I was like,

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Speaker 5: you know what, I understand your situation is a little

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Speaker 5: bit different than mine. And there was kind of this

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Speaker 5: grace period. But then I noticed as time went by,

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Speaker 5: I just started to become a little bit resentful. And

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Speaker 5: that came out one day. Because I'm someone who's very big,

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Speaker 5: I'm paying people back. I don't like owing people anything,

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Speaker 5: and not everybody operates the same way. Some people are like,

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Speaker 5: well you got it. I'm like you, we'll stop counting

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Speaker 5: my coins. I don't care that you know how much

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Speaker 5: I made. Like the principle, it's the principle of it, Like, yo,

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Speaker 5: you owe me money, even if even if it was

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Speaker 5: debt that we acquired together, it was expenses and decisions

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Speaker 5: that you made that now I'm eating as a result

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Speaker 5: of the relationship. And no, I didn't like that, and

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Speaker 5: that's part of why I'm like, I will never find

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Speaker 5: myself in that situation again. And it got to a point,

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Speaker 5: right just had the straight upd be like, yo, it's

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Speaker 5: been whatever amount of time, and it was so bad

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Speaker 5: that I was actually not paying.

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Speaker 4: Like the full amount off.

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Speaker 5: And throughout the process, I knew that I could pay

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Speaker 5: it off if I really wanted to, but it was

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Speaker 5: the principle of it, and so you know, I would

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Speaker 5: pay the minimum plus some and I'm like, you know what,

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Speaker 5: I'm gona give her. I'm gonna give her time. And

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Speaker 5: then and then I paid it down to the amount

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Speaker 5: that that she owed based off of what I calculated.

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Speaker 5: And then eventually I was like, you know what, I

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Speaker 5: don't want this hanging over my head anymore. I'm tired

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Speaker 5: of thinking about this. It's creating like additional tension that

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Speaker 5: I don't need in my life. Right now, I'm just

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Speaker 5: gonna pay us off. That wasn't me getting emotional.

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Speaker 2: That sounds sounds fresh.

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Speaker 5: I'm gonna just pay us off because one, it's debt

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Speaker 5: that's ultimately sitting with me. It's part of my credit score,

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Speaker 5: part of my credit report. So I'm gonna just pay

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Speaker 5: us off. And if later on she comes back, like

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Speaker 5: ten years from now or however long from now writes

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Speaker 5: a check, that's fine, but I just didn't want that

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Speaker 5: debt in my life anymore. It almost felt like relationship baggage.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't think she's gonna do that, but that

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Speaker 2: would be nice.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I have to say that, Like, I agree.

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Speaker 1: I don't have even a joint credit card with my

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Speaker 1: husband now. I mean, well, what this is? How we

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Speaker 1: do that? We when we after we got married, we

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Speaker 1: had I had a bill's account already, and so I

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Speaker 1: added him to it. So we have a joint checking

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Speaker 1: one joint checking account where he can each We kind

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Speaker 1: of sat down and said, how do we want to

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Speaker 1: do our money? He was like, look, how about we

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Speaker 1: save and invest yours and then we live off my income.

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Speaker 3: That's okay.

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Speaker 1: So he takes his allowance, and you know, I take

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Speaker 1: an allowange from what I make. He takes an allowange

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Speaker 1: from what he makes, which is it is basically we

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Speaker 1: don't make the same but we take about the same

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Speaker 1: amount of money and allowance every every two weeks, and

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Speaker 1: then his the rest of his money goes into our

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Speaker 1: joint bill's account and then I pay the bills. Usually

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Speaker 1: it's just automated, and then I save and invest our money.

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Speaker 1: So when I say saved, and we have a joint

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Speaker 1: savings account and so, and it works for us because

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Speaker 1: you know, like, so the bill account is is if

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Speaker 1: you want, if you're buying groceries, you can use the

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Speaker 1: bill debit card. If you're buying anything for the house,

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Speaker 1: you can use the bill debit card. I mean, obviously

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Speaker 1: leave money for bills, so I help a family member out,

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Speaker 1: and but that doesn't come from that's additional money. So

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Speaker 1: I do that out of the money, extra money that

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Speaker 1: I earn. But yeah, and then as a result, we

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Speaker 1: were able to purchase two homes this year in cash

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Speaker 1: and so, but that money didn't come from you know,

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Speaker 1: the bill's account. That was money from me, from the

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Speaker 1: savings and the investing that I did with the money

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Speaker 1: that I earned. So we figured out, like we really

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Speaker 1: sat down and tried to figure out what's what would

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Speaker 1: he make him feel comfortable because I make significantly more

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Speaker 1: than him. He just was like, no, I would just

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Speaker 1: feel more comfortable knowing that, like as a man of

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Speaker 1: the house, now that we literally did this right after marriage.

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Speaker 1: As the man of the house, I pay the bills

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Speaker 1: and I said, okay, so but I would have been fine,

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Speaker 1: go ahead.

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Speaker 2: So you guys don't even have a joint credit card together. Interesting,

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Speaker 2: was that a conscious choice?

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Speaker 3: You know?

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Speaker 1: I never thought about it, honestly, until rich just mentioned it.

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Speaker 1: I didn't even think about it. Like he was just

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Speaker 1: joking today because I was telling him like, oh man,

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Speaker 1: I paid all the bills today, and he was like,

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Speaker 1: you're paying credit card bills. I said, nah, nah, brah,

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Speaker 1: that's all you. And so I have my own I

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Speaker 1: have my own credit card. He has his own credit

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Speaker 1: cardd And then and because like he was joking because

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Speaker 1: he just my birthday just passed and he purchased whatever

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Speaker 1: he brought from me, like on his credit card. So

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Speaker 1: he was like, isn't that crazy that some dudes will

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Speaker 1: buy you stuff on a credit card and then me

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Speaker 1: while it's the bills that you I was like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: we don't do that in this household. He's like, no,

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Speaker 1: I know, so we don't. We don't have a joint

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Speaker 1: credit card because as of right now, it's not necessary.

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Speaker 1: So anything that we need to purchase we have the

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Speaker 1: cash for, you know, and so maybe one day we will,

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Speaker 1: but right now, we don't have a joint credit card.

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Speaker 2: Interesting who didn't speak was that rich? Let's what's your

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Speaker 2: take on it? Joint credit card, no joint credit card.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, I was the one with the horror story, so

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Speaker 5: you yeah.

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Speaker 3: So I will freely admit that it's from being financially burned.

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Speaker 3: But I'm still not at a point where I could

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Speaker 3: do the joint account. And maybe it's just a security thing,

361
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Speaker 3: but I feel like with the credit card, I could

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Speaker 3: get to that what eight hundred number faster than you

363
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Speaker 3: can drain my savings and checking account. So I'm not

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Speaker 3: at a point where I could do the whole joint

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Speaker 3: joint account. Now I could do a joint bill's account.

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Speaker 3: That's cool. I mean, you go ahead, spend the house.

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Speaker 3: At least I could replenish that the next month or whatever.

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Speaker 3: That's something I could fix. But if I just came

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Speaker 3: home in like this story right here, I think I

370
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Speaker 3: was in a cold sweat. I'm thinking of fifty thousand

371
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Speaker 3: dollars being gone and one day and it's just unrecoverable

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Speaker 3: because it's all cash. I don't know about that. At

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Speaker 3: least a credit card has got a credit limit, and

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Speaker 3: I've done I've done the joint credit card. So I

375
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Speaker 3: have had a what is it an authorized user and

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Speaker 3: it was a decent experience. I can't say good because

377
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Speaker 3: to Rich's point, we disagreed on like what was an emergency.

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Speaker 3: So I was like, here is now credit card. So

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Speaker 3: in this particular relationship, I had the better credit score

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Speaker 3: of the better credit and I didn't have an issue

381
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Speaker 3: with that. So I was like, Okay, we'll do the

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Speaker 3: credit card that I already have. You'll be a joint

383
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Speaker 3: authorized user. I was like, use this for emergencies or

384
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Speaker 3: let me know, and she would just spend and so

385
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Speaker 3: I'm like, you know, you know, lunch a emergency as

386
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Speaker 3: far as I know, and I would just pay it

387
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Speaker 3: off from month to month. And so I guess my

388
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,640
Speaker 3: lesson learned if you will, because I i it Rich

389
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Speaker 3: knows this. I also got the charge it to the

390
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,680
Speaker 3: game theory. So I don't try to like make promises

391
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Speaker 3: in the relationship that I then you know, I'm human,

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Speaker 3: so I still have that emotional aspect, but I don't

393
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Speaker 3: try to make promises in the relationship then renig on

394
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Speaker 3: them as soon as the relationship end. So there are

395
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Speaker 3: some things that I took on. I took on like

396
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Speaker 3: a tax, Liane, I paid off a tax, Liane, I

397
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Speaker 3: took on some credit card debt. The only thing that

398
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Speaker 3: I would change about that is you do it under

399
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Speaker 3: the seal of a marriage. The only thing if there

400
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,560
Speaker 3: was any regret is I did in a relationship. Ultimately,

401
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:38,480
Speaker 3: the relationship didn't work out until your point, Mandy, I

402
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:41,879
Speaker 3: carried the bag, and I mean, it is what it is.

403
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,760
Speaker 3: I got charged to the game because that's a promise

404
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:45,920
Speaker 3: I made that I would do. It's in my name now. Anyway,

405
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,760
Speaker 3: there was like that that alligator armed offer was like,

406
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Speaker 3: I'll take it back, but I'm pretty sure that wouldn't

407
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Speaker 3: have happened if I said yes. I was like, nah,

408
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Speaker 3: I got it. It's cool, and that's where we are.

409
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Speaker 3: So my main typeaway is I think now I would

410
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:02,200
Speaker 3: look at somebody's like money, mindset our money, how they

411
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,159
Speaker 3: handle money a lot closer than I did in the

412
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Speaker 3: past before. It's like I got this, like you said,

413
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Speaker 3: I'm a man. No, don't worry about it, girl, And

414
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Speaker 3: I was like, Yo, this is hurting.

415
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Speaker 2: So do you guys think that's why? You guys have

416
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Speaker 2: been burned by that, but we haven't. Is it like

417
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,879
Speaker 2: that male mentality of like you just want to step

418
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Speaker 2: forward immediately, and like you have that urge to provide,

419
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,560
Speaker 2: so maybe you're more likely to say yes from the

420
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:25,320
Speaker 2: get go or like from the jump, you know, in

421
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:28,679
Speaker 2: an early relationship, to helping someone with dead or like

422
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:30,480
Speaker 2: putting them on your credit card, because I was always

423
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Speaker 2: suspicious then, like I mean with with my husband when

424
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,480
Speaker 2: we were early dating, I watched him like a hawk.

425
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Speaker 2: I mean, this man would have a moral crisis. If

426
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Speaker 2: you found a five dollars bill on the street, He's like,

427
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,439
Speaker 2: but should I give it back to? Who should I

428
00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:43,080
Speaker 2: give it to? I'm like, just put it in your pocket,

429
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:46,800
Speaker 2: like you know. And it was over time where I

430
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Speaker 2: realized I could literally like, here's my savings account.

431
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Speaker 5: What is it?

432
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Speaker 2: It's you know, I trust him with every ounce of

433
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:55,399
Speaker 2: my being. But anyway, yeah, I wonder if do you

434
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:57,240
Speaker 2: guys feel like your gender played a role in that

435
00:19:57,359 --> 00:19:59,160
Speaker 2: or the expectation for your gender.

436
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:01,520
Speaker 4: Maybe somewhat.

437
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:04,159
Speaker 5: And I'd say part of that was also the circumstances

438
00:20:04,359 --> 00:20:06,159
Speaker 5: and going back to what Marcus said, you know, he

439
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,000
Speaker 5: said he didn't he didn't want to reneg.

440
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,320
Speaker 4: And for and so it sounds like there was like

441
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:10,280
Speaker 4: a here's what I will do.

442
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,199
Speaker 5: And in my case, we never had that conversation period,

443
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:17,760
Speaker 5: and so that's like the basis of everything that followed thereafter.

444
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,480
Speaker 5: And and for me, I don't know if it was

445
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,840
Speaker 5: so much that that I'm a man, but I had

446
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,200
Speaker 5: this like ongoing like guilt, like you know, we'd moved

447
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:30,280
Speaker 5: across the country. You know, she's out here because of me.

448
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:32,920
Speaker 5: You know, there are other things that maybe I didn't

449
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,080
Speaker 5: do so well with from the relationships. So I'm not

450
00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:37,639
Speaker 5: going to complain about this. And so it felt like

451
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:40,720
Speaker 5: it was just less about the man and more more

452
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,359
Speaker 5: so about like this, I don't know it was was

453
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:46,200
Speaker 5: I'd say it was something that's inherent to my personality,

454
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,400
Speaker 5: Like I like, I can be the person who will

455
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,439
Speaker 5: like feel guilty or feel really bad about things.

456
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,240
Speaker 4: And I've learned a lot from that.

457
00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:53,399
Speaker 5: And I'm not going to say that, you know, she

458
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:54,960
Speaker 5: was the type of person who wanted who wanted to

459
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,880
Speaker 5: take advantage of me. But there are situations where I'll

460
00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:00,800
Speaker 5: see something as a problem and I'll let it go

461
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:05,240
Speaker 5: and hopes that it somehow magically goes away. But as

462
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,679
Speaker 5: I eventually learned, because and I won't front like I'm

463
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,520
Speaker 5: one of those people that doesn't like conflict, and I

464
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:13,199
Speaker 5: think that conflict aversion is what holds a lot of

465
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,560
Speaker 5: people back and is what creates these situations that could

466
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:17,520
Speaker 5: have easily been avoided if I wasn't so much in

467
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:19,960
Speaker 5: how is she going to respond? I hope this doesn't

468
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,399
Speaker 5: come off the wrong way. And I've always felt a

469
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,960
Speaker 5: certain way about money and how it's handled, but we

470
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:28,639
Speaker 5: never really got to the point of having that conversation

471
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,359
Speaker 5: and answering something else that was not asked. As I

472
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:34,520
Speaker 5: think back, there were signs, and I forget what made

473
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,520
Speaker 5: me think of this, but there were signs in terms

474
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,520
Speaker 5: of how I saw her interact with others and friends

475
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,840
Speaker 5: and and how they thought about money that so, you know,

476
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:44,840
Speaker 5: like after a situation in you kind of have all

477
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:47,760
Speaker 5: of these epiphanies. And I'm like, yo, I knew from

478
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:51,400
Speaker 5: day one. I just couldn't see it. I couldn't see it,

479
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,000
Speaker 5: you know. And it's hard to tell the story because

480
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,680
Speaker 5: I'm also trying to be respectful at the same time,

481
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,240
Speaker 5: but like, there were these little things that happened throughout

482
00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:03,400
Speaker 5: and what's crazy is that when it came to hell

483
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:07,240
Speaker 5: budgeting and managing her her own money, she did like

484
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:09,119
Speaker 5: really well with that, I'd say even better than me.

485
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:13,800
Speaker 5: But when it came to what was joint, there was

486
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,640
Speaker 5: kind of this assumption, well, you had well, you got it,

487
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:19,040
Speaker 5: so I got it, and this should not be an

488
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,760
Speaker 5: issue for you. And even though there were periods where

489
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:23,040
Speaker 5: I knew it bothered me, I kind of just like

490
00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:25,479
Speaker 5: kept letting it go on, letting it go on, and

491
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,440
Speaker 5: uh at that point, you know, I didn't know the

492
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,240
Speaker 5: relationship was gonna end.

493
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:30,920
Speaker 4: But it was also like, well, I.

494
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,840
Speaker 5: Mean we're together, you know, I guess I I guess

495
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,159
Speaker 5: I do got to provide it. I guess I do

496
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,840
Speaker 5: have more. But I didn't feel like it was my

497
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,320
Speaker 5: job as the man. I mean quite frankly, I would

498
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:45,119
Speaker 5: love it, or I guess what I love it. I

499
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,439
Speaker 5: was I was like, let me think before I say this.

500
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,440
Speaker 5: But I was thinking, like, yo, if if she made

501
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,960
Speaker 5: the same amount, or she made or she made way more,

502
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:55,200
Speaker 5: I wouldn't then expect well, because you're bringing more in

503
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,560
Speaker 5: that that means now I'm gonna be dipping into your pockets.

504
00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:59,800
Speaker 5: Actually that part is probably where I would feel more

505
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:03,280
Speaker 5: of man flex, where I would probably be inspired to

506
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,040
Speaker 5: like how can I contribute? How can I make sure

507
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,480
Speaker 5: that I'm doing my fair share? How can I keep

508
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,520
Speaker 5: up versus the situation where I was in where it

509
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,879
Speaker 5: was it was flipped and I was the person making more,

510
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:15,879
Speaker 5: but I didn't feel like I had to be to

511
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:18,919
Speaker 5: be the provider on all things. I'm much more of

512
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,399
Speaker 5: a fifty to fifty person in general.

513
00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:24,200
Speaker 2: So you're hitting on a really interesting topic about who

514
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:25,920
Speaker 2: earns more and how that plays. So we're going to

515
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,840
Speaker 2: take a quick break here from our sponsor, you know,

516
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:36,600
Speaker 2: because we got some and we'll be right back and

517
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:40,080
Speaker 2: we're back with our great great Battle of the sex's debate.

518
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:43,320
Speaker 2: Were we were just talking about, just hitting on this

519
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:45,680
Speaker 2: topic that we've talked about before, So like what happens

520
00:23:46,119 --> 00:23:49,000
Speaker 2: when the female earns more than And yes, we're using

521
00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:52,879
Speaker 2: like hetero you know, gender norms here, so I'm sorry,

522
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:56,760
Speaker 2: I'm sorry for being heteronormative. But anyway, so let's say

523
00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:58,720
Speaker 2: the woman earns more and the man earns less. How

524
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:02,239
Speaker 2: does that change the dynamic for you guys.

525
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:09,160
Speaker 3: I've only personally experienced this one time, and I think

526
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:12,080
Speaker 3: it kind of relates to what Richard's in there and

527
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:16,600
Speaker 3: to your question earlier. So in this particular scenario. I

528
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,560
Speaker 3: think she was making like a quarter million or something

529
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,520
Speaker 3: like that, and it was I only know that because

530
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:22,840
Speaker 3: she brought it up all the time.

531
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:26,040
Speaker 4: It was like.

532
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:32,080
Speaker 3: She was no I think she might have been late twenties,

533
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:34,840
Speaker 3: early thirties, but I mean she was doing good for

534
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:36,520
Speaker 3: so you know the type of thing. I think we

535
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:39,960
Speaker 3: met on the dating side or whatever, and we went

536
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,040
Speaker 3: out on a couple of dates and it was always like,

537
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,160
Speaker 3: you know, I got it, like you know, don't worry

538
00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:46,840
Speaker 3: about me this, this, that, And I was like all right,

539
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:49,679
Speaker 3: like that was my only first experience with it, and

540
00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:52,200
Speaker 3: I got to say it was weird. But I don't

541
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,080
Speaker 3: know if it was weird because it's like, look, man,

542
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:55,719
Speaker 3: I got it and you need to know, or if

543
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,879
Speaker 3: it was weird just because I was a man making

544
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:01,560
Speaker 3: less than for like the first relationship I've been in

545
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:03,879
Speaker 3: and in this particularly instance, the last relationship I've been in.

546
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:09,160
Speaker 3: So maybe on the broader scale, since that's my only experience,

547
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,040
Speaker 3: I'm actually, I guess a little bit different than rich

548
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:13,919
Speaker 3: because I do see it that way. I don't know

549
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:15,760
Speaker 3: if it was a I was raised that way, I

550
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:18,359
Speaker 3: was taught that way. But I did always think the

551
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:22,720
Speaker 3: man pays for everything, And now, looking back, that was

552
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,600
Speaker 3: crazy because no one ever taught me how. So I'm like, yeah,

553
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,880
Speaker 3: I got this. I'm gonna pay for everything, but I'm

554
00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:31,320
Speaker 3: making like nineteen thousand dollars a year. You know, conceptually,

555
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:33,800
Speaker 3: I never I wouldn't say that I ran into First

556
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:35,280
Speaker 3: of all, I was broke, so she couldn't even been

557
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,679
Speaker 3: a gold digger. She'd been like an aluminum foil digger.

558
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:41,400
Speaker 3: So it wasn't like any of these women were trying

559
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,199
Speaker 3: to take advantage of me. They were just like, all right,

560
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:45,640
Speaker 3: you say you got it, you got it, and they

561
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,840
Speaker 3: just didn't question it. I dated like a couple of

562
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:50,440
Speaker 3: women that were enablers, but I don't think I dated

563
00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:52,480
Speaker 3: any woman that said, like, no, I expect you to

564
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:54,720
Speaker 3: pay for everything. It's just like, all right, you say

565
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,800
Speaker 3: you got the house, the mortgage, the food to rent

566
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:58,560
Speaker 3: and everything, then's cool. I'm just gonna live all my

567
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:02,199
Speaker 3: money plus yours. But it wasn't like you have to

568
00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:04,040
Speaker 3: do this to be with me type of thing.

569
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:06,400
Speaker 2: Interesting, I think.

570
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:07,919
Speaker 1: I feel like I feel like a lot of them.

571
00:26:08,119 --> 00:26:11,640
Speaker 1: I used to think that, you know, most men had

572
00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:14,119
Speaker 1: that like I've got to I'm the head of the household.

573
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,359
Speaker 1: I got it. I'll pay for everything, and honestly, I

574
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:19,160
Speaker 1: thought that that's what like the relationship between my mom

575
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:22,280
Speaker 1: and my dad. It wasn't honestly until like my thirties

576
00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:23,679
Speaker 1: that I found out my mom made way more than

577
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:27,240
Speaker 1: my dad. I'm like, wait what, And so because it

578
00:26:27,359 --> 00:26:31,280
Speaker 1: didn't affect the dynamic at home, there was never this like,

579
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:34,280
Speaker 1: well most of my it's most of my money anyway,

580
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:36,640
Speaker 1: you know, there was never I just because he paid

581
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:40,200
Speaker 1: the bills, you know, so meaning that he because my

582
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:43,080
Speaker 1: dad was a CFO in an accountant. So I don't

583
00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:46,960
Speaker 1: know specifically like what if they had I know they

584
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:48,600
Speaker 1: had joint accounts. I don't know if they also had

585
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:50,800
Speaker 1: individual accounts. I think that they do, and I think

586
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:54,400
Speaker 1: that they did, but you know, I think that they

587
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:57,920
Speaker 1: collectively pulled, you know, most of their money and then

588
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:01,000
Speaker 1: took care of the household that way. And so there

589
00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:03,719
Speaker 1: was just never this sense of like I don't know

590
00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:09,800
Speaker 1: that my mom made more or that somehow because my

591
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:11,400
Speaker 1: dad didn't make it, and my dad make good money,

592
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:13,040
Speaker 1: it's just not As my mom's a nurse, and you know,

593
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:16,160
Speaker 1: nursing you do over time, you can make a tremendous

594
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:18,440
Speaker 1: amount of money. So I just think, like and now

595
00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:20,320
Speaker 1: just seeing my husband and I I'm trying to say,

596
00:27:20,359 --> 00:27:21,960
Speaker 1: I wonder what my I have a bonus, or that

597
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,800
Speaker 1: my husband has a twelve year old and I wonder,

598
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:29,920
Speaker 1: like what she thinks, because she knows that I make

599
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:32,080
Speaker 1: a good amount of money, but I don't think at twelve,

600
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 1: I'm not sure she knows that there's a difference between

601
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,960
Speaker 1: what she and her you know, her dad makes. But

602
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:39,160
Speaker 1: to me, one of the things, one of the ways

603
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:40,960
Speaker 1: the reason why my husband was like, I want to

604
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:45,200
Speaker 1: pay the bills was to normalize for him the feeling

605
00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:48,600
Speaker 1: of my wife makes more because with him paying the bills,

606
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:51,080
Speaker 1: it kind of doesn't matter, you know, because my money

607
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:53,879
Speaker 1: doesn't play into our day to day life. It's like

608
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:56,359
Speaker 1: when major decisions are being made, like we're going to

609
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,840
Speaker 1: get this house or something like that. Yes, but day

610
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:02,600
Speaker 1: to day, he knows that it's his income that moves

611
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,359
Speaker 1: the machine. And I think that, like, and you know that,

612
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,439
Speaker 1: you know, that's something that he wanted. And I'm like,

613
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,760
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna say no, you know, but we but

614
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:13,040
Speaker 1: we both benefit, like I said, because at the same time,

615
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,560
Speaker 1: his income moves the machine. But my income bought this

616
00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,959
Speaker 1: house and so but so together, and honestly, yo, his

617
00:28:19,119 --> 00:28:22,959
Speaker 1: insurance is like a plus plus. So I'm like, they

618
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:25,080
Speaker 1: can pay you a dollar and like I'd be like,

619
00:28:25,119 --> 00:28:27,480
Speaker 1: you still got to work there because it just his

620
00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:29,600
Speaker 1: like all the things that I've been able to, Like

621
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:31,960
Speaker 1: I work for myself, and even though we make good money,

622
00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,320
Speaker 1: I the amount I'd have to pay to match what

623
00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:36,720
Speaker 1: his insurance gives us, I mean, I just we just

624
00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:38,959
Speaker 1: it just would be a tremendous amount of money. So

625
00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:41,480
Speaker 1: he brings a lot to the table financially as well,

626
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:44,239
Speaker 1: even though it might not traditionally be as much as

627
00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:44,560
Speaker 1: I do.

628
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:49,840
Speaker 3: The same are similar thing because I mean this honestly,

629
00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:51,840
Speaker 3: this is something I I wouldn't say struggle with vide.

630
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:54,400
Speaker 3: I almost like had this existential thought process around it,

631
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:56,960
Speaker 3: because I honestly don't know where it comes from. I'd

632
00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:59,040
Speaker 3: have to say it's more society than home. First of all,

633
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,360
Speaker 3: we didn't really talk about money in my home. It

634
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:03,520
Speaker 3: was just something that existed. First of all, I thought

635
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:05,360
Speaker 3: we were broke. There's a whole story behind it. I

636
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:07,000
Speaker 3: thought we were broke until I went off to college

637
00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:08,440
Speaker 3: and I filled out the fast food, and I found

638
00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:12,240
Speaker 3: out we was middle class upper and I thought we

639
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:14,520
Speaker 3: was poor this whole time. And it's because I didn't

640
00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:17,080
Speaker 3: have the conceptual reality of Man, you live in the suburbs,

641
00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:19,560
Speaker 3: you go to a good school, your family both my

642
00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:22,080
Speaker 3: fam My mom's a nurse. My dad worked all the way.

643
00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:24,360
Speaker 3: Ut he's kind of private about it, but he worked

644
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:26,240
Speaker 3: high up in an organization. He was on TV and

645
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:29,680
Speaker 3: everything like that. So I knew they did something that

646
00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:32,440
Speaker 3: made money that put a roof over my head. But

647
00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:35,520
Speaker 3: I didn't understand where money came from, how bills were paid,

648
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:39,000
Speaker 3: and how budgets worked until I left the house, and

649
00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:41,280
Speaker 3: so I would have to assume that everything that I

650
00:29:41,360 --> 00:29:44,360
Speaker 3: learned about all the money, I learned all that from

651
00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:47,440
Speaker 3: rat videos and like society, like the mand you know,

652
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:48,760
Speaker 3: you got to ball out, you do it. Like there

653
00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:51,280
Speaker 3: was really a point in college I stopped watching music

654
00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:54,880
Speaker 3: videos because I came I became so like disenfranchised between

655
00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:58,120
Speaker 3: the reality of what they display. Also had a lot

656
00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:00,600
Speaker 3: of rapper and mixtape friends by the like all these

657
00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:04,840
Speaker 3: videos where everyone's rich and balling, and then I'm sitting

658
00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:07,440
Speaker 3: there eating rob and noodles right beside him. I'm like yo,

659
00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:10,160
Speaker 3: we both broke over here, but in the streets you

660
00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:12,120
Speaker 3: like this baller And so I was like, you know what,

661
00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:14,480
Speaker 3: I'm not watching these videos anymore because I got to

662
00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:17,600
Speaker 3: be on a different wavelength. So I didn't get that

663
00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:20,880
Speaker 3: from home. And that was an eighteen years of influence,

664
00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:23,640
Speaker 3: but it didn't dictate how I acted about money, felt

665
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:25,960
Speaker 3: about money, and how I felt like the relationship between

666
00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:28,640
Speaker 3: men and women. Was really the only crazy thing that

667
00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:30,560
Speaker 3: I saw at home. I wouldn't even say crazy because

668
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:33,280
Speaker 3: it was good. Is that my dad really was a

669
00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:36,120
Speaker 3: pedestal for how you treat a woman as far as

670
00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:38,160
Speaker 3: opening car doors and treating a woman like. The way

671
00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:41,040
Speaker 3: he treated my mom was more influential in my life

672
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:44,760
Speaker 3: than finances and personal finance and money management.

673
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:47,280
Speaker 4: Yeah.

674
00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:50,320
Speaker 5: Yeah, money wasn't really a conversation, you know. I do

675
00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:54,240
Speaker 5: remember seeing my parents sitting at the table paying bills,

676
00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:56,800
Speaker 5: you know, sending in the minimum payment.

677
00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:57,240
Speaker 4: For the credit card.

678
00:30:57,280 --> 00:30:58,960
Speaker 5: So I did see stuff like that where it's like,

679
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,040
Speaker 5: if you can pay the balance, pay the balance, but

680
00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:03,760
Speaker 5: carrying balances and you know, I look at what like

681
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:05,840
Speaker 5: both So both my parents Most people don't know this.

682
00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:11,280
Speaker 5: Both my parents were custodians janitors like, and I didn't

683
00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:13,120
Speaker 5: and I don't say that to be like, oh I

684
00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:15,040
Speaker 5: came up and struggled. It was actually quite the It

685
00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:18,200
Speaker 5: was quite the opposite. Like to me, people hear that

686
00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,160
Speaker 5: and they're like, oh, man, like that had to be tough,

687
00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:23,160
Speaker 5: and I'm like, well, actually no, I was quite comfortable.

688
00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:27,040
Speaker 5: Like they did very well on a I guess a

689
00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:30,480
Speaker 5: decent amount of money when you combine the two incomes,

690
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:35,240
Speaker 5: and so to me, I never saw like financial struggle.

691
00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:37,600
Speaker 5: And so it also wasn't a conversation. I just know

692
00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:39,440
Speaker 5: that I had a roof over my head. If I

693
00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:41,680
Speaker 5: wanted something, they would find a way to get it

694
00:31:41,720 --> 00:31:43,800
Speaker 5: for me, which is probably why people say I act

695
00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:45,880
Speaker 5: like a spoiled only child sometimes, which I which I

696
00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:52,760
Speaker 5: kind of am in a way, But that was so

697
00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:55,080
Speaker 5: so because somebody's gonna be like, I did some research.

698
00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:56,400
Speaker 5: So I do have two older half brothers and a

699
00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:58,479
Speaker 5: half sister, but they're both so much older that they

700
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:00,520
Speaker 5: were out the house when I was growing up. And

701
00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:04,719
Speaker 5: I'm the only child of my parents' marriage and union,

702
00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:07,400
Speaker 5: and so I do consider myself an only child in

703
00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:10,680
Speaker 5: that way. But it wasn't anything. There wasn't anything specific

704
00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:13,800
Speaker 5: I learned, or that they talked about or that they

705
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:15,800
Speaker 5: taught me about money. I'd say, if anything, my dad

706
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:17,640
Speaker 5: was also very much a fifty to fifty person. If

707
00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:20,120
Speaker 5: someone owed him money or he owed someone else money,

708
00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:22,000
Speaker 5: and that's probably where I get that from. He wanted

709
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:23,440
Speaker 5: to make sure that it was paid back as soon

710
00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:26,840
Speaker 5: as possible, whether that's money coming in or money going out.

711
00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:30,000
Speaker 5: But there were never any explicit listens. I think the

712
00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:33,719
Speaker 5: one explicit lessons. I think the one thing I probably

713
00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:35,880
Speaker 5: did learn, though, is that it's okay to carry a balance,

714
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:37,440
Speaker 5: because I knew that they carried a balance, and I

715
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:39,120
Speaker 5: can remember when they let me use the credit card

716
00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:40,560
Speaker 5: and I would just like put little stuff on there

717
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:42,080
Speaker 5: and be like, oh, I'm going to McDonald's. Put that

718
00:32:42,160 --> 00:32:44,720
Speaker 5: on a card and think nothing of it. They paid

719
00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:46,920
Speaker 5: off or maybe they'd say something about it. So I

720
00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:49,920
Speaker 5: learned little stuff like that, But there was never a

721
00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:52,400
Speaker 5: you must sit down and have a conversation with your

722
00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:54,880
Speaker 5: significant others, or you need to put away fifteen percent

723
00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:55,560
Speaker 5: of your paycheck.

724
00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:56,680
Speaker 4: It was work.

725
00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:59,800
Speaker 5: You pay bills like That's pretty much the experience I had.

726
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:01,680
Speaker 5: You pay bills to live comfortably.

727
00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:04,800
Speaker 2: What I'm hearing us all talk about is our family,

728
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:07,280
Speaker 2: and like how we watched our families relate to money.

729
00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:09,520
Speaker 2: And I feel like, if there's one takeaway from this

730
00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:11,680
Speaker 2: conversation is if you're dating or if you're about to

731
00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:14,120
Speaker 2: get married to someone, like ask them not how they

732
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:16,920
Speaker 2: do how they manage their finances, but like what was

733
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:19,040
Speaker 2: what was your experience as a kid growing up with

734
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:22,160
Speaker 2: your family, and how did your family talk about money

735
00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:24,240
Speaker 2: or what were some of the money conversations in your house?

736
00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:27,320
Speaker 2: Cause I think it's so telling, like what we see

737
00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:30,360
Speaker 2: our families, how what their dynamic is financially and how

738
00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:33,800
Speaker 2: that influences us as an adult individual, but then also

739
00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:34,600
Speaker 2: as a partner.

740
00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:39,280
Speaker 5: You know, that's and that is partially partially why earlier

741
00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:41,800
Speaker 5: I was saying that there were little signs and I'm

742
00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:43,560
Speaker 5: not going to say that, you know, my ex had

743
00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:46,480
Speaker 5: a crazy family or anything like that, but like when

744
00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:48,480
Speaker 5: I say, some people operate with that, and I've noticed

745
00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:50,240
Speaker 5: there's more with people that have a lot of siblings

746
00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:53,320
Speaker 5: in general, to be honest, but that like what's mine

747
00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:55,880
Speaker 5: is yours, what's yours is mine?

748
00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:58,920
Speaker 4: I could very easily see how that was ingrained.

749
00:33:59,080 --> 00:34:01,560
Speaker 5: And then yeah, there would be times during the relationship

750
00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:04,240
Speaker 5: where you know, she may provide money and and there

751
00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:05,600
Speaker 5: are a lot of us out there who send money

752
00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:09,719
Speaker 5: home for various reasons, for to family members and to me, Like,

753
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:11,759
Speaker 5: I always thought that was kind of crazy. But then

754
00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:15,279
Speaker 5: if that's your experience growing up and that's what you

755
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:18,799
Speaker 5: know and everything has always been shared, then of course

756
00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:21,319
Speaker 5: you're going to operate that way as an adult. And

757
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:24,360
Speaker 5: so as I was going about the process according the

758
00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:27,399
Speaker 5: dance for this new relationship, that was one of the

759
00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:29,799
Speaker 5: first things that we talked about. And I'd even say

760
00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:32,000
Speaker 5: in past relationships, I felt some type of way about

761
00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:33,839
Speaker 5: talking about money. And maybe this is a product that

762
00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:35,799
Speaker 5: the bad experience I've had, maybe it's the product of

763
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:37,160
Speaker 5: doing a podcast, but that was one of the that

764
00:34:37,239 --> 00:34:38,960
Speaker 5: was one of the It wasn't like, you know, we're

765
00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:40,959
Speaker 5: out eating and I'm like, yo, so how'd your parents

766
00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:44,120
Speaker 5: spend money? But when we did start having those more

767
00:34:44,440 --> 00:34:47,160
Speaker 5: serious conversations and we saw where things were going, I

768
00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:49,080
Speaker 5: made sure I brought that up early because it like

769
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:52,000
Speaker 5: it's I've accepted that money is something that's important to me,

770
00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:54,279
Speaker 5: and I think some people struggle with that. And I

771
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:56,960
Speaker 5: also wanted to make sure that I didn't recreate another

772
00:34:57,080 --> 00:35:01,200
Speaker 5: version of the past situation. And and I think part

773
00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:05,160
Speaker 5: of what makes this relationship more productive is that we

774
00:35:05,239 --> 00:35:07,960
Speaker 5: had that conversation early on, and it turned out that

775
00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:11,160
Speaker 5: we did have very similar views about finances. Like she's

776
00:35:11,160 --> 00:35:13,480
Speaker 5: someone who if we go out somewhere, even if I

777
00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:15,239
Speaker 5: say I got like, she always pulls out a card.

778
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:17,239
Speaker 5: She's always ready to split. And I have to be like, no,

779
00:35:17,520 --> 00:35:19,520
Speaker 5: like I got it, Like we don't have to go

780
00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:22,080
Speaker 5: fifty to fifty every single time, Like, let me treat you.

781
00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:24,400
Speaker 2: But you brought up something. This is a good segue

782
00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:27,760
Speaker 2: you talked about and Tiffany, you too had talked about earlier.

783
00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:31,000
Speaker 2: What the idea of what happens when your spouse or

784
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:33,880
Speaker 2: your partner wants to like you're both saving money for

785
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,399
Speaker 2: a house that you're both bringing in money, Maybe you're

786
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:39,480
Speaker 2: pooling your savings a little bit, you're sharing bills and whatnot.

787
00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:42,000
Speaker 2: What happens when they feel a duty to help their

788
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:45,600
Speaker 2: family financially, But it means taking money from that joint

789
00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:47,840
Speaker 2: pool of money that you guys, as a couple have

790
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:51,319
Speaker 2: built together. How do y'all feel about that? I? I,

791
00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:55,080
Speaker 2: you know, married to a man whose parents are immigrants

792
00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:59,440
Speaker 2: Latino family, it's not uncommon to help family members if

793
00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:03,719
Speaker 2: they're strug and in my family growing up, that wasn't

794
00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:05,960
Speaker 2: some money, wasn't something you talked about. If you struggled,

795
00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:08,000
Speaker 2: you struggled alone. So it took me a while to

796
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:10,040
Speaker 2: ta get used to the idea of, you know, helping

797
00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:11,440
Speaker 2: out families.

798
00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:17,879
Speaker 1: It's I mean, well, because i'm I'm my parents are

799
00:36:17,920 --> 00:36:22,759
Speaker 1: both immigrants, and but then my husband his parents and

800
00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:26,719
Speaker 1: there he's straight up African American. So I guess it's

801
00:36:26,719 --> 00:36:28,920
Speaker 1: a little lopsided because I mean, we talk about it

802
00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:33,520
Speaker 1: and he's never said no, But I guess I suspect

803
00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:35,160
Speaker 1: in the back of his mind he's like, most of

804
00:36:35,200 --> 00:36:37,920
Speaker 1: that is quote unquote your money. Anyway, I guess that's

805
00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:41,200
Speaker 1: how I feel like he kind of feels. But I

806
00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:44,480
Speaker 1: never make a move without like and he's I actually

807
00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:46,920
Speaker 1: think he's probably said that, and I've been like, no, Honestly,

808
00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:49,640
Speaker 1: if you feel uncomfortable with it, then I'm not going

809
00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:51,319
Speaker 1: to do it. How do you feel about it? But

810
00:36:51,360 --> 00:36:55,800
Speaker 1: he's honestly really generous, like he before, even I always

811
00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:57,560
Speaker 1: call him the black mister Rogers. We live in like

812
00:36:57,560 --> 00:36:59,480
Speaker 1: what I call the halfway hood and all the kids

813
00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:03,239
Speaker 1: know him. You need a haircut, mister superman, I'll just

814
00:37:03,239 --> 00:37:05,640
Speaker 1: call him. We'll get it. You know, you got a's

815
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:07,360
Speaker 1: in your port car for every ad you know you're getting,

816
00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:09,919
Speaker 1: you know, a dollar or like you know your parents

817
00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:11,960
Speaker 1: didn't cook. You know, you could knock on our back

818
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:15,160
Speaker 1: door and Tiffany is going to make dinner. I mean,

819
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:18,400
Speaker 1: I'm like, who said, but whatever? But I say all

820
00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:20,839
Speaker 1: that to say that, like it's you know, there's been

821
00:37:20,880 --> 00:37:24,319
Speaker 1: definitely I helped my family out, you know, a lot,

822
00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:29,120
Speaker 1: and just recently it was like a big ask. I said, Hey,

823
00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:32,319
Speaker 1: I was talking to my father, and my mom just

824
00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:35,040
Speaker 1: retired like kind of a year earlier than what would

825
00:37:35,040 --> 00:37:37,960
Speaker 1: normally be retirement age. And my father had made all

826
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:41,200
Speaker 1: of his plans financial plans for them based upon her

827
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:45,000
Speaker 1: retiring at retirement asor after. So there was a bit

828
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:48,040
Speaker 1: of a struggle with the gap. But he didn't say

829
00:37:49,040 --> 00:37:51,360
Speaker 1: and so like he said something kind of offhand that

830
00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:53,680
Speaker 1: made me say, wait a minute, how are you guys okay?

831
00:37:53,920 --> 00:37:55,560
Speaker 1: Is they't no no, no? Where I went fine, were fine?

832
00:37:55,719 --> 00:37:58,319
Speaker 1: And so after doing some more investigating, I realized it's

833
00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:01,200
Speaker 1: a little tighter than he would like to admit, and

834
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:04,720
Speaker 1: so after looking at their budget, you know, I always

835
00:38:04,719 --> 00:38:06,600
Speaker 1: want to do this anyway. I was like, I wanted

836
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:08,839
Speaker 1: to retire my mom, but she retired early. But then

837
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:09,920
Speaker 1: I was like, I had it in my mind that

838
00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:11,319
Speaker 1: one day I would love to pay off their house,

839
00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:14,480
Speaker 1: so sooner rather than later, I sat down with my husband.

840
00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:16,799
Speaker 1: It was like, look, I would really love to pay

841
00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:19,239
Speaker 1: off my parents' house. This is likely how much it's

842
00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:21,640
Speaker 1: going to be six figures? What do you think? And

843
00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:24,080
Speaker 1: he's like, well, you know, whatever you think. I'm like, no,

844
00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:27,400
Speaker 1: this is a lot of money from you know, some

845
00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:29,160
Speaker 1: of it is from just money that I've saved, but

846
00:38:29,200 --> 00:38:31,800
Speaker 1: some of it's kind of coming out of our joint savings,

847
00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:34,839
Speaker 1: which you have contribute to as well. And he was

848
00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:37,759
Speaker 1: just like, honestly, like once, I really was like, if

849
00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:39,879
Speaker 1: you don't feel comfortable, then you know, I'll just save

850
00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:42,319
Speaker 1: on the side on my own and you know, I

851
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:44,960
Speaker 1: can do it sometime next year. And he was like, honestly,

852
00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:47,880
Speaker 1: his mom passed away in his twenties and he's not

853
00:38:47,960 --> 00:38:50,480
Speaker 1: really close with his father. And he was like, Tiffany,

854
00:38:50,880 --> 00:38:52,600
Speaker 1: if I would have had the opportunity to do for

855
00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:54,120
Speaker 1: my mother, I would jump at it, and so you

856
00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:56,799
Speaker 1: have the opportunity, so I say, let's do it. And

857
00:38:56,840 --> 00:38:59,040
Speaker 1: so that really warmed my heart, and so I was

858
00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:01,680
Speaker 1: able to do it. I just actually made the transfer yesterday,

859
00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:04,200
Speaker 1: so my parents are mortgage free. But to have a

860
00:39:04,239 --> 00:39:06,160
Speaker 1: partner that was on board with it, because he could

861
00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:07,880
Speaker 1: have said no, and honestly, I would have said okay,

862
00:39:08,239 --> 00:39:09,560
Speaker 1: and I would have just said, I have to just

863
00:39:09,560 --> 00:39:11,560
Speaker 1: save another six months to a year to come up

864
00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:13,960
Speaker 1: with the other portions out of my personal savings.

865
00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:16,600
Speaker 2: So do you think it was a little bit real quick,

866
00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:18,839
Speaker 2: do you think it was a little bit easier? Well,

867
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:20,680
Speaker 2: what if it was I know that you know, his

868
00:39:20,680 --> 00:39:22,640
Speaker 2: his mom passed away, his dad not very close. But

869
00:39:22,719 --> 00:39:24,800
Speaker 2: what if it was flipped and he's the lower earner

870
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:28,359
Speaker 2: and he wanted to use a big chunk of your

871
00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:30,240
Speaker 2: you know, and you can you can trace the source

872
00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:32,200
Speaker 2: and realize, okay, both this is coming from money.

873
00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:32,760
Speaker 1: That I've saved.

874
00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:36,040
Speaker 2: Like, would that factor into your decision to help his family?

875
00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:37,960
Speaker 2: I'm just playing Devil's advocate.

876
00:39:38,560 --> 00:39:43,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, if I was always honest for the amount of money, probably, honestly,

877
00:39:43,239 --> 00:39:44,880
Speaker 1: if I had to be all the way like honest,

878
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,440
Speaker 1: Like if it'd be one thing, if it's like, Okay,

879
00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:49,759
Speaker 1: you know, I want to help my sister and it's like,

880
00:39:49,920 --> 00:39:52,920
Speaker 1: you know, four figures, even like low five figures, I'd

881
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:55,880
Speaker 1: probably be like okay. But if he's like, hey, I

882
00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:58,880
Speaker 1: want to pay off my sister's mortgage and it's six figures,

883
00:39:58,960 --> 00:40:02,239
Speaker 1: I might be like wait where, Because you're right, I mean,

884
00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:05,680
Speaker 1: if I'm always honest and human, it's like, ah, I know,

885
00:40:05,719 --> 00:40:08,280
Speaker 1: how like wait, that's a bunch of piece of money,

886
00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:10,800
Speaker 1: you know, And it's terrible to say I'm being honest.

887
00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:14,799
Speaker 2: Is here to say when yours yours is the most.

888
00:40:15,239 --> 00:40:18,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's true, and it's true, and not to say

889
00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:21,040
Speaker 1: I wouldn't And I you know, obviously I don't think

890
00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:23,280
Speaker 1: that he would ever ask that amount of money. But

891
00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:26,680
Speaker 1: you're right, it's totally easier because I know that, like

892
00:40:26,719 --> 00:40:28,440
Speaker 1: the majority of that money in savings is what I

893
00:40:28,480 --> 00:40:31,920
Speaker 1: put there. So but not that we wouldn't because I said, like,

894
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:33,680
Speaker 1: are there family members that you want to give to

895
00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:35,880
Speaker 1: that you want to share with? And he was just

896
00:40:35,960 --> 00:40:39,560
Speaker 1: like not at the moment, but at that amount of money,

897
00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:41,040
Speaker 1: I don't know that i'd be comfortable with that. I'm

898
00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:41,759
Speaker 1: not even gonna lie.

899
00:40:43,960 --> 00:40:46,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, this is interesting to me, and I'm trying to

900
00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:48,759
Speaker 3: figure it out. I was over here, I am and

901
00:40:48,800 --> 00:40:51,279
Speaker 3: with Rich about which story I want to tell in

902
00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:52,920
Speaker 3: which rabbit hole I do or do not want to

903
00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:55,960
Speaker 3: fall on and land mind I want to avoid. But

904
00:40:56,400 --> 00:40:59,520
Speaker 3: I guess I'm hearing two themes that if folks want

905
00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:01,760
Speaker 3: to have a take away. Number One, I think everything

906
00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:05,319
Speaker 3: that ended positively that we're talking about this communication. So

907
00:41:05,920 --> 00:41:08,719
Speaker 3: if in your example, where the positive scenarios that y'all

908
00:41:08,719 --> 00:41:11,480
Speaker 3: communicated about this upfront, and then Rich in those lessons

909
00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:13,600
Speaker 3: that you learned, it's about the communication you're having now

910
00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:17,520
Speaker 3: and the experience I'm having now with my girlfriend. It's

911
00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:19,800
Speaker 3: a lot different because, yeah, she's like what Rich described.

912
00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:21,960
Speaker 3: She wants to go half on everything. She wants to

913
00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:24,160
Speaker 3: do her part. She steps up to the table and

914
00:41:24,239 --> 00:41:27,240
Speaker 3: she volunteers at There's even points where she'll do things

915
00:41:27,239 --> 00:41:29,640
Speaker 3: on her own because she probably knows that I'll do

916
00:41:29,719 --> 00:41:31,440
Speaker 3: the Oh no, I got it. So she'll go out

917
00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:33,160
Speaker 3: like get the hotel, get the room if we travel,

918
00:41:33,239 --> 00:41:34,600
Speaker 3: or something like that. And then I get there and

919
00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:36,000
Speaker 3: I'm like, Okay, what's the room. It's like, Oh, it's

920
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:37,759
Speaker 3: already taken care of. So then I get the food

921
00:41:37,760 --> 00:41:40,719
Speaker 3: and everything. So she's already taken that step to go

922
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:43,360
Speaker 3: fifty to fifty. So that's been a new experience for me.

923
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:46,319
Speaker 3: The other part I was going to say, the other

924
00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:48,560
Speaker 3: theme is that, like I think dating is where those

925
00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:51,840
Speaker 3: worlds couldlide. Like I think everyone to some degrees, like

926
00:41:51,920 --> 00:41:55,040
Speaker 3: has that egocentric experience where like what I experienced is

927
00:41:55,080 --> 00:41:57,600
Speaker 3: everyone's experience. So in that example where I was talking

928
00:41:57,600 --> 00:41:59,800
Speaker 3: about earlier, where I never thought that we had money,

929
00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:02,160
Speaker 3: I remember, like I used to like to date women

930
00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:04,680
Speaker 3: that like popped gum. It was never chewing gum. Like

931
00:42:04,719 --> 00:42:06,520
Speaker 3: I just had a thing for like the hood or

932
00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:09,319
Speaker 3: the better, like the further away from the burbs, you know,

933
00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:12,839
Speaker 3: like you know, and that was my thing. And I

934
00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:16,360
Speaker 3: remember they were always amazed. They're like, oh, salt and pepper,

935
00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:18,880
Speaker 3: And I'm like, what like that, Like don't everybody have this?

936
00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:21,719
Speaker 3: Like that's when I but I was too young to understand,

937
00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:24,960
Speaker 3: Like they thought we were rich, and I'm like, what

938
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:27,160
Speaker 3: are you talking about? Like, man, y'all got two cars,

939
00:42:27,239 --> 00:42:28,680
Speaker 3: y'all got a roof, I got a job, y'all got

940
00:42:28,719 --> 00:42:32,000
Speaker 3: a house. And I was like, doesn't everyone have these things?

941
00:42:32,360 --> 00:42:35,319
Speaker 3: And it wasn't really until I got older, and now

942
00:42:35,360 --> 00:42:37,520
Speaker 3: I can look back, I was like, okay, and I

943
00:42:37,560 --> 00:42:40,680
Speaker 3: mean we weren't rich. We were like, we were living

944
00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:45,120
Speaker 3: in the suburbs doing I guess, okay. But to Mandy's

945
00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:47,759
Speaker 3: comment earlier, I now see that, okay, like what was

946
00:42:47,800 --> 00:42:52,560
Speaker 3: your childhood upbringing our family like, and then what is

947
00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:55,960
Speaker 3: your relationship as by extension with money because of that,

948
00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:57,719
Speaker 3: But I would have never even had the maturity to

949
00:42:57,760 --> 00:43:00,680
Speaker 3: have those conversations before, and like I said, just like, okay,

950
00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:04,000
Speaker 3: I'll pay for it, and that always worked out until

951
00:43:04,040 --> 00:43:07,759
Speaker 3: it didn't. Like there's several stories that end with, yeah,

952
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:09,600
Speaker 3: I bought this, I pay for that, pay for that,

953
00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:11,160
Speaker 3: she left. I bought this, I pay for that, I

954
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:13,280
Speaker 3: pay for that she left, And then I was always

955
00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:16,960
Speaker 3: stuck with the bag. And then the irony of that

956
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:19,440
Speaker 3: is that would extend into the next relationship because I'm like,

957
00:43:19,440 --> 00:43:21,240
Speaker 3: all right, I'm left with ten thousand from the previous

958
00:43:21,239 --> 00:43:24,440
Speaker 3: relationship I gotta pay off. So sorry, baby girl, you

959
00:43:24,480 --> 00:43:27,200
Speaker 3: can't get this little burking because I got to pay

960
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:31,239
Speaker 3: heels from this last relationship, you know, So it kept

961
00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:33,080
Speaker 3: carrying it to the next way to I finally did

962
00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:35,880
Speaker 3: the whole debt free thing because I could get serious

963
00:43:35,920 --> 00:43:38,120
Speaker 3: in the next relationship because I was always quite literally

964
00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:42,719
Speaker 3: bringing it in financial baggage from the last relationship. Yeah,

965
00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:45,520
Speaker 3: I don't have no like plot twist or more. So

966
00:43:45,640 --> 00:43:47,000
Speaker 3: that's just kind of my spell.

967
00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:50,760
Speaker 2: I mean, you just gotta pick you just you gotta

968
00:43:50,840 --> 00:43:54,239
Speaker 2: pick them better. That's crazy. I mean that sucks. So

969
00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:56,840
Speaker 2: how many relationships were you carrying debt from? This is

970
00:43:56,880 --> 00:44:00,240
Speaker 2: a good interesting story. First of all, relationship.

971
00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:03,719
Speaker 3: Well, well one it wasn't and I'll just talk about

972
00:44:03,760 --> 00:44:05,680
Speaker 3: like though honestly the seriously sure you know, I'm dating

973
00:44:05,719 --> 00:44:10,160
Speaker 3: in between, but like one, I didn't carry any debt.

974
00:44:10,239 --> 00:44:12,400
Speaker 3: But I was the early twenties, so I was like

975
00:44:12,560 --> 00:44:15,399
Speaker 3: just getting started. I had. I was like the potential guy.

976
00:44:15,520 --> 00:44:18,520
Speaker 3: So she was dating the potential that I could have,

977
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:21,640
Speaker 3: and you know, I try not you know, she was

978
00:44:21,760 --> 00:44:23,640
Speaker 3: you know what, twenty one nineteen or something like that,

979
00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:26,640
Speaker 3: so I'm also trying not to like, you know, that's young. Like,

980
00:44:26,719 --> 00:44:28,920
Speaker 3: So we were doing all that talking about a serious lyship.

981
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:31,359
Speaker 3: We actually did live together, and then she got an

982
00:44:31,360 --> 00:44:35,799
Speaker 3: opportunity to go to New York and it was she

983
00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:38,239
Speaker 3: was like yo, and actually she did pretty well. She's like,

984
00:44:38,280 --> 00:44:40,319
Speaker 3: you know, I got an opportunity in New York. I

985
00:44:40,400 --> 00:44:42,920
Speaker 3: want you to come with me. So literally the scenario

986
00:44:42,960 --> 00:44:44,480
Speaker 3: was going to switch, like I was gonna quit my

987
00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:46,680
Speaker 3: job and go and basically live off her until I

988
00:44:46,680 --> 00:44:49,879
Speaker 3: got the next job. And I was like, now I'm good,

989
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:54,319
Speaker 3: Like that's too unfamiliar for me. I like, I'm not

990
00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:56,480
Speaker 3: to quit my job and just follow my dreams type

991
00:44:56,480 --> 00:44:58,120
Speaker 3: of guy. And I'm definitely not to quit my job,

992
00:44:58,160 --> 00:45:00,840
Speaker 3: follow my dreams and live off somebody else until maybe

993
00:45:00,840 --> 00:45:05,160
Speaker 3: my dreams do or do not come true. And then yeah,

994
00:45:05,239 --> 00:45:07,560
Speaker 3: and then I remember, like later on, I guess I

995
00:45:07,600 --> 00:45:10,560
Speaker 3: was mid twenties. Then that was a little bit different

996
00:45:10,560 --> 00:45:12,600
Speaker 3: where I did quite literally a lot of it was

997
00:45:12,600 --> 00:45:14,399
Speaker 3: self imposed. By that time, I did have a whole

998
00:45:14,440 --> 00:45:16,400
Speaker 3: lot of debt, and this one was like, you know,

999
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:18,320
Speaker 3: where's this relationship going to go? And I was like,

1000
00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:22,160
Speaker 3: I don't feel right coming into a relationship with it.

1001
00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:24,200
Speaker 3: I mean, it's like thirty thousand dollars in debt and

1002
00:45:24,239 --> 00:45:27,759
Speaker 3: I was like, I don't feel like and she said

1003
00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:29,920
Speaker 3: it was okay, and I mean, maybe I'll never know

1004
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:31,560
Speaker 3: if it really was, but I was like, I didn't

1005
00:45:31,560 --> 00:45:34,160
Speaker 3: feel right as a man bringing that into the relationship.

1006
00:45:35,719 --> 00:45:37,839
Speaker 2: It's like you couldn't give you. It's almost like you'd say,

1007
00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:39,680
Speaker 2: you can't love someone, so you love yourself. But if

1008
00:45:39,719 --> 00:45:41,279
Speaker 2: you've come in and you know that you like have

1009
00:45:41,360 --> 00:45:44,520
Speaker 2: these these issues and they're weighing heavily on your mind,

1010
00:45:44,560 --> 00:45:46,840
Speaker 2: like you can't give yourself or even like because so

1011
00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:50,080
Speaker 2: much about relationships are like dreaming about the future and envisioning,

1012
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:53,359
Speaker 2: you know, buying the house or whatever. Your dreams are

1013
00:45:53,440 --> 00:45:55,200
Speaker 2: vacationing and stuff, and it's hard to do that when

1014
00:45:55,239 --> 00:45:57,680
Speaker 2: you know you have this like debt strap to you.

1015
00:45:57,719 --> 00:46:00,200
Speaker 2: But that's that's the situation so many people are age

1016
00:46:00,280 --> 00:46:01,600
Speaker 2: or getting into when they get married.

1017
00:46:02,960 --> 00:46:05,239
Speaker 4: Are people really talking about dreams and goals like that?

1018
00:46:05,320 --> 00:46:05,600
Speaker 2: Though?

1019
00:46:05,719 --> 00:46:11,360
Speaker 4: Because I always hear that.

1020
00:46:11,760 --> 00:46:15,879
Speaker 5: Oh no, because so one conversation that I had this

1021
00:46:15,960 --> 00:46:19,239
Speaker 5: go around that I did not have any previous relationships,

1022
00:46:19,400 --> 00:46:22,200
Speaker 5: was like, Okay, so what do you want out of

1023
00:46:22,239 --> 00:46:24,359
Speaker 5: life in the next five to ten years. I had

1024
00:46:24,360 --> 00:46:26,239
Speaker 5: never seen I had never asked some one that before,

1025
00:46:26,280 --> 00:46:27,640
Speaker 5: and stuff may have come out. We might have been

1026
00:46:27,640 --> 00:46:29,720
Speaker 5: watching something on TV and been like that would be cool.

1027
00:46:30,280 --> 00:46:32,480
Speaker 5: And also some of this was the result of going

1028
00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:35,600
Speaker 5: to a therapist and me just trying to avoid some

1029
00:46:35,880 --> 00:46:38,440
Speaker 5: of the past mistakes and uh, and if therapists be

1030
00:46:38,480 --> 00:46:42,960
Speaker 5: dropping gyms band and that, no, not at all. And

1031
00:46:43,040 --> 00:46:47,719
Speaker 5: so that was very helpful in that I understood, or

1032
00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:51,480
Speaker 5: I understand what she wants out of life. She understands

1033
00:46:51,680 --> 00:46:53,880
Speaker 5: where I want to be and what I want out

1034
00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:57,480
Speaker 5: of life, and we both understand that there are steps

1035
00:46:57,600 --> 00:47:00,040
Speaker 5: and that there's a plan required to get there. And

1036
00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:03,000
Speaker 5: so now we can keep each other accountable, which is

1037
00:47:03,040 --> 00:47:04,800
Speaker 5: not something that I've ever had in any other relationship

1038
00:47:04,800 --> 00:47:07,680
Speaker 5: where I feel like, yes, it's yes, it's about money,

1039
00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:09,799
Speaker 5: but it's ultimately about the life that you say you want.

1040
00:47:09,840 --> 00:47:12,280
Speaker 5: So it's like, hey, like you're going a little crazy

1041
00:47:12,280 --> 00:47:13,640
Speaker 5: with the spending. I thought you said that you was

1042
00:47:13,680 --> 00:47:15,360
Speaker 5: trying to do this in six months. I thought you

1043
00:47:15,400 --> 00:47:17,240
Speaker 5: said that you wanted to do this in two years.

1044
00:47:17,600 --> 00:47:20,560
Speaker 5: Does this really help move you in that direction? And

1045
00:47:21,320 --> 00:47:24,640
Speaker 5: that having that framework where there's something that we're emotionally

1046
00:47:24,640 --> 00:47:27,800
Speaker 5: connected to beyond money, like like this experience, this lifestyle

1047
00:47:27,840 --> 00:47:32,200
Speaker 5: that we want, that also helps how that also helps

1048
00:47:32,200 --> 00:47:33,280
Speaker 5: inform how we look.

1049
00:47:33,160 --> 00:47:34,840
Speaker 4: At money and how we talk about money.

1050
00:47:35,280 --> 00:47:40,120
Speaker 5: And even though our finances are completely separate, we still

1051
00:47:40,160 --> 00:47:42,240
Speaker 5: kind of understand where the other person is coming from

1052
00:47:42,360 --> 00:47:44,279
Speaker 5: and where they're trying to get to, and so I

1053
00:47:44,320 --> 00:47:47,120
Speaker 5: may factor that in, and so I may factor that into,

1054
00:47:47,640 --> 00:47:49,480
Speaker 5: you know, how I might want to go on a

1055
00:47:49,520 --> 00:47:51,759
Speaker 5: trip or Okay, so we're talking about taking you know,

1056
00:47:51,760 --> 00:47:54,000
Speaker 5: two or three trips. I know you're trying to do X.

1057
00:47:54,040 --> 00:47:56,000
Speaker 5: I'm trying to do. Why does this really make sense

1058
00:47:56,000 --> 00:47:59,279
Speaker 5: for us? And so having that understanding of kind of

1059
00:47:59,440 --> 00:48:01,480
Speaker 5: the vision. I hate I hate saying that because it

1060
00:48:01,480 --> 00:48:04,919
Speaker 5: makes you sound all business and entrepreneurial and whatnot. That's

1061
00:48:06,040 --> 00:48:08,120
Speaker 5: like a business though, yeah, you know, and I want

1062
00:48:08,120 --> 00:48:12,200
Speaker 5: to talk about our relationship brand. But yeah, that was

1063
00:48:12,239 --> 00:48:14,760
Speaker 5: super helpful, and so I figure if And of course

1064
00:48:14,800 --> 00:48:16,440
Speaker 5: I don't think I'm the most normal person in the

1065
00:48:16,440 --> 00:48:20,040
Speaker 5: world at all, but I do wonder do people always

1066
00:48:20,080 --> 00:48:22,680
Speaker 5: really have those serious conversations beyond like oh I want

1067
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:24,200
Speaker 5: to have a house, like like no, like what is

1068
00:48:24,200 --> 00:48:26,120
Speaker 5: the life that you want for yourself? Like what does

1069
00:48:26,120 --> 00:48:28,120
Speaker 5: that really look like for you? And I don't know

1070
00:48:28,160 --> 00:48:30,239
Speaker 5: that everyone really has that conversation.

1071
00:48:29,760 --> 00:48:31,719
Speaker 3: Directly that's for you end with.

1072
00:48:33,440 --> 00:48:35,680
Speaker 1: The girl that's like thanks bags, I'm out.

1073
00:48:37,360 --> 00:48:39,520
Speaker 2: That's where you end up. That's where you end up

1074
00:48:39,520 --> 00:48:41,319
Speaker 2: with when people are not on the same page with

1075
00:48:41,400 --> 00:48:43,279
Speaker 2: values and what you want. That's what we get all

1076
00:48:43,320 --> 00:48:47,480
Speaker 2: these questions from listeners who were like my spouse, my husband,

1077
00:48:47,600 --> 00:48:49,319
Speaker 2: he's you know, I have a question from someone who's

1078
00:48:49,320 --> 00:48:52,040
Speaker 2: complaining because she said he has an overdraft. Spirit he's

1079
00:48:52,080 --> 00:48:54,560
Speaker 2: talking like she wants to buy a house she's tired

1080
00:48:54,600 --> 00:48:56,120
Speaker 2: of renting, or she wants to buy a house she's

1081
00:48:56,160 --> 00:48:59,120
Speaker 2: tired of renting, but he continues overdrawing his bank account.

1082
00:48:59,440 --> 00:49:02,239
Speaker 2: Like people have scenarios like that where they're trying to

1083
00:49:02,280 --> 00:49:05,560
Speaker 2: get to point A, you know, this direction, and the

1084
00:49:05,760 --> 00:49:08,000
Speaker 2: other person's trying to get to point Z from their direction.

1085
00:49:08,080 --> 00:49:11,200
Speaker 2: If you're not going the same direction together, you're you're

1086
00:49:11,200 --> 00:49:12,960
Speaker 2: always going to run into this, like if they don't

1087
00:49:13,000 --> 00:49:15,600
Speaker 2: share your values, they don't they don't care about, you know,

1088
00:49:15,840 --> 00:49:18,439
Speaker 2: overdrawing their account or racking up credit card debt because

1089
00:49:18,440 --> 00:49:19,920
Speaker 2: they're not trying to get to where you're trying to get.

1090
00:49:19,960 --> 00:49:22,920
Speaker 2: You're always going to have conflict. I don't see how relationships.

1091
00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:24,759
Speaker 2: You're just always going to be miserable And I feel

1092
00:49:24,760 --> 00:49:27,560
Speaker 2: bad for these people, But you have to sit down

1093
00:49:27,640 --> 00:49:30,879
Speaker 2: and have that hard discussion early, because like, why why

1094
00:49:30,960 --> 00:49:33,120
Speaker 2: hit yourself to a ride that's going the wrong way.

1095
00:49:33,560 --> 00:49:36,960
Speaker 3: So I have a message for Joseph since you said

1096
00:49:36,960 --> 00:49:39,360
Speaker 3: you had one male listener out there, But I also

1097
00:49:39,400 --> 00:49:47,319
Speaker 3: think it's all the same, all three listeners. And this

1098
00:49:47,440 --> 00:49:49,360
Speaker 3: was something It took me a really long time to

1099
00:49:49,360 --> 00:49:51,360
Speaker 3: come to this realization, and I've shared it with a

1100
00:49:51,360 --> 00:49:53,600
Speaker 3: few men over the years, and I think they finally

1101
00:49:53,680 --> 00:49:58,239
Speaker 3: bought into it. But all that spending was actually a

1102
00:49:58,280 --> 00:50:02,000
Speaker 3: manifestation of my security. So I'm like, if I don't

1103
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:05,360
Speaker 3: buy this girl this, I don't put this in her life,

1104
00:50:05,520 --> 00:50:07,960
Speaker 3: the next man will, although he probably wouldn't and if

1105
00:50:08,000 --> 00:50:11,600
Speaker 3: she was a good woman, it wouldn't matter. And number two,

1106
00:50:12,400 --> 00:50:16,320
Speaker 3: like my great revelation was okay. I used to be like, okay,

1107
00:50:16,400 --> 00:50:19,000
Speaker 3: I don't care what you spend because behind the scenes,

1108
00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:21,320
Speaker 3: I'm putting it on credit cards. There really was no budget.

1109
00:50:21,360 --> 00:50:24,480
Speaker 3: There really was no sky. There was no limit. You know,

1110
00:50:24,920 --> 00:50:27,879
Speaker 3: the sky was the floor. But I don't know what

1111
00:50:28,000 --> 00:50:31,360
Speaker 3: age it was. But at one point, probably while single,

1112
00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:33,239
Speaker 3: I was like, you know what, you know, I don't

1113
00:50:33,280 --> 00:50:36,160
Speaker 3: care what you spend as long as what you spend

1114
00:50:36,320 --> 00:50:39,800
Speaker 3: is within my income and it's like that's not enough

1115
00:50:39,800 --> 00:50:42,920
Speaker 3: for you, and that's all that matters. Then I'm just

1116
00:50:42,960 --> 00:50:44,520
Speaker 3: not the band for you. And I think a lot

1117
00:50:44,560 --> 00:50:47,200
Speaker 3: of men to just try to overcompensate for that, and

1118
00:50:47,280 --> 00:50:49,799
Speaker 3: I think it doesn't do any favorites because a lot

1119
00:50:49,840 --> 00:50:51,640
Speaker 3: of women are like, well he said he got it.

1120
00:50:51,719 --> 00:50:53,080
Speaker 3: I mean I asked him, he said it. God, that's

1121
00:50:53,080 --> 00:50:56,200
Speaker 3: because men are insecure. So if you if you ask

1122
00:50:56,280 --> 00:50:58,600
Speaker 3: a dude. I remember there was some story that went

1123
00:50:58,680 --> 00:51:00,759
Speaker 3: whatever viral is now on twin with her where she

1124
00:51:00,880 --> 00:51:02,480
Speaker 3: was like, yeah, I was on a date and this

1125
00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:05,239
Speaker 3: dude paid with a hundred that he thought was a ten,

1126
00:51:05,480 --> 00:51:07,360
Speaker 3: And I said, if you, if you so broke that

1127
00:51:07,440 --> 00:51:08,919
Speaker 3: you got to go back in there and get your money,

1128
00:51:08,960 --> 00:51:10,799
Speaker 3: then you're not for me, and she goes I could

1129
00:51:10,800 --> 00:51:13,040
Speaker 3: tell he was mad, but he left. I'm like, I'm

1130
00:51:13,120 --> 00:51:16,120
Speaker 3: running back in there for that seventy dollars, like y'all tripping.

1131
00:51:17,480 --> 00:51:18,200
Speaker 4: And whatever.

1132
00:51:18,280 --> 00:51:20,719
Speaker 3: That makes me look like it is what it is like,

1133
00:51:21,160 --> 00:51:24,040
Speaker 3: but that's what I'm talking about, Like she's that proves

1134
00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:27,320
Speaker 3: the point, Like if you it's not even a challenge,

1135
00:51:27,360 --> 00:51:30,040
Speaker 3: but if you a dude's not going to admit, like yo,

1136
00:51:30,480 --> 00:51:33,080
Speaker 3: I ain't got it. But if that's a guy that

1137
00:51:33,200 --> 00:51:36,120
Speaker 3: you either see the potential with or you want to

1138
00:51:36,120 --> 00:51:38,719
Speaker 3: have a long longevity with, I think it needs to

1139
00:51:38,760 --> 00:51:42,640
Speaker 3: be a more mutual discussion around like, man, I know

1140
00:51:42,760 --> 00:51:44,239
Speaker 3: he ain't got it now, I know if I ask

1141
00:51:44,320 --> 00:51:46,279
Speaker 3: him about it, he's going to front like he got it.

1142
00:51:46,360 --> 00:51:50,080
Speaker 3: But like, okay, do I want him to am I

1143
00:51:50,120 --> 00:51:51,880
Speaker 3: in this for the short term and the long term,

1144
00:51:51,960 --> 00:51:55,520
Speaker 3: whether that's financially or you know, personally or professionally or otherwise.

1145
00:51:55,719 --> 00:51:57,120
Speaker 3: Because I think a lot of those times, like I said,

1146
00:51:57,120 --> 00:51:59,040
Speaker 3: I don't feel like any of these women took advantage

1147
00:51:59,040 --> 00:52:01,520
Speaker 3: of me. They're just like I want this, and they

1148
00:52:01,600 --> 00:52:03,479
Speaker 3: knew if they say I want it, like I'm gonna

1149
00:52:03,480 --> 00:52:06,520
Speaker 3: get it for him. I never really tried to make

1150
00:52:06,520 --> 00:52:09,319
Speaker 3: any active effort to stop them, but I will say

1151
00:52:09,320 --> 00:52:11,239
Speaker 3: when I finally did, like there's a couple of other dates,

1152
00:52:11,239 --> 00:52:12,960
Speaker 3: so I was like, look, I ain't got it, and

1153
00:52:13,040 --> 00:52:15,400
Speaker 3: she's like, well, I can get on Instagram find somebody

1154
00:52:15,560 --> 00:52:17,240
Speaker 3: is well, I suggest you get on Instagram.

1155
00:52:17,880 --> 00:52:18,279
Speaker 2: Where are you?

1156
00:52:20,600 --> 00:52:24,560
Speaker 3: I mean, I'm trying to update it for these I'm

1157
00:52:24,600 --> 00:52:26,560
Speaker 3: trying to update it for the relative years.

1158
00:52:26,560 --> 00:52:29,520
Speaker 2: But Amazon emacen chat like, yeah.

1159
00:52:29,360 --> 00:52:31,839
Speaker 3: Exactly, I'm trying to update it for twenty eighteen crowd.

1160
00:52:31,880 --> 00:52:33,759
Speaker 3: But what I'm telling you, there's definitely I would be

1161
00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:35,399
Speaker 3: all to day. It's like, well, if you ain't got it,

1162
00:52:35,440 --> 00:52:37,719
Speaker 3: like I could find another date to can. I was like,

1163
00:52:37,760 --> 00:52:41,719
Speaker 3: well that's cool, Like it's so can. I mean, we

1164
00:52:41,880 --> 00:52:44,080
Speaker 3: just aren't for one another, Like I used to always

1165
00:52:44,120 --> 00:52:47,560
Speaker 3: think I had to prove myself to each person that

1166
00:52:47,640 --> 00:52:50,000
Speaker 3: I met, versus what's the saying that you know some

1167
00:52:50,040 --> 00:52:52,279
Speaker 3: people in your life for a season, Like Okay, that's

1168
00:52:52,400 --> 00:52:53,920
Speaker 3: just not the season that I need to be with

1169
00:52:54,000 --> 00:52:55,960
Speaker 3: this person for Like, that's not the person for me,

1170
00:52:56,040 --> 00:52:57,720
Speaker 3: it's not the woman for me. In this particular incident,

1171
00:52:57,840 --> 00:52:59,440
Speaker 3: it took me a long time to come to that

1172
00:53:00,120 --> 00:53:03,400
Speaker 3: realization about myself because insecure me would have been like,

1173
00:53:03,400 --> 00:53:05,200
Speaker 3: all right, I'm gona pay for it even though it hurts.

1174
00:53:05,320 --> 00:53:06,879
Speaker 3: I'm put on the credit card, even though it's gonna

1175
00:53:06,920 --> 00:53:07,960
Speaker 3: hurt me more plus.

1176
00:53:07,719 --> 00:53:11,000
Speaker 2: Interests plus her if you were to get married. And

1177
00:53:11,000 --> 00:53:13,040
Speaker 2: then she's like, oh wait, all this was a lie.

1178
00:53:13,080 --> 00:53:14,839
Speaker 2: It's like Wizard of Oz. You know you look behind

1179
00:53:14,880 --> 00:53:16,560
Speaker 2: the curtain and all you see is credit cards.

1180
00:53:17,239 --> 00:53:20,440
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, I've seen a lot of scenarios like that

1181
00:53:20,480 --> 00:53:22,400
Speaker 3: where and I mean you see it all the time.

1182
00:53:22,560 --> 00:53:23,960
Speaker 3: Was like, man, he used to buy me all these

1183
00:53:24,000 --> 00:53:26,920
Speaker 3: things during the courtship phase that he couldn't really afford.

1184
00:53:27,320 --> 00:53:29,000
Speaker 3: And then, like you said, you get in that serious,

1185
00:53:29,000 --> 00:53:31,600
Speaker 3: committed relationship and you realize how much he can't afford it.

1186
00:53:31,600 --> 00:53:33,320
Speaker 3: Because now you're not you're not on the date. You

1187
00:53:33,360 --> 00:53:35,080
Speaker 3: can't really hide it. The credit card bills are coming

1188
00:53:35,120 --> 00:53:39,439
Speaker 3: to the same joint address. Why is it say past due?

1189
00:53:39,560 --> 00:53:40,879
Speaker 3: Like I thought you was. I thought you was out

1190
00:53:40,880 --> 00:53:42,600
Speaker 3: here balling, Like I talked to a lot of people

1191
00:53:42,640 --> 00:53:44,480
Speaker 3: like that. They're like, yo, I thought I thought you

1192
00:53:44,560 --> 00:53:47,040
Speaker 3: was doing good. And then I get behind the scenes

1193
00:53:47,080 --> 00:53:49,560
Speaker 3: and I see he's checked the check or less than that.

1194
00:53:51,440 --> 00:53:55,240
Speaker 2: There's dignity and a man who budgets for real.

1195
00:53:55,719 --> 00:53:57,880
Speaker 1: Yo. I used to tell dude, like I do, Like, yo,

1196
00:53:58,239 --> 00:53:59,920
Speaker 1: we could do ice cream in the park. It is

1197
00:54:00,040 --> 00:54:03,279
Speaker 1: fine with me. I don't please, don't flash what you

1198
00:54:03,320 --> 00:54:05,640
Speaker 1: don't have, because one it doesn't impress me. Like we

1199
00:54:05,640 --> 00:54:07,239
Speaker 1: were giggling the other day because I was cleaning out

1200
00:54:07,280 --> 00:54:09,160
Speaker 1: the closet and the first gift he ever got me

1201
00:54:09,239 --> 00:54:11,640
Speaker 1: was this expensive designer bag and I was like, have

1202
00:54:11,680 --> 00:54:14,239
Speaker 1: you have you met me? Like yo, I still got

1203
00:54:14,360 --> 00:54:17,040
Speaker 1: chucks from like fifteen years ago, and so we talk

1204
00:54:17,080 --> 00:54:19,759
Speaker 1: about it now, like yo, remember what I thought. I'm like, yeah,

1205
00:54:19,800 --> 00:54:23,440
Speaker 1: that's not that doesn't move me, Like I'd rather that,

1206
00:54:24,040 --> 00:54:27,839
Speaker 1: like you know, you spend time, or it's genuine, or

1207
00:54:27,920 --> 00:54:30,879
Speaker 1: you have a plan. Yet I think it's about finding something.

1208
00:54:30,880 --> 00:54:32,680
Speaker 1: I get it because there are definitely a lot of women,

1209
00:54:32,760 --> 00:54:35,920
Speaker 1: you know who stuff motivates and moves them. But you

1210
00:54:35,960 --> 00:54:38,200
Speaker 1: have to ask yourself, is that the woman that you

1211
00:54:38,280 --> 00:54:40,880
Speaker 1: really want to be with that if you don't spend

1212
00:54:41,200 --> 00:54:42,440
Speaker 1: a lot of money on them, they don't want to

1213
00:54:42,440 --> 00:54:42,839
Speaker 1: be with you.

1214
00:54:43,320 --> 00:54:45,400
Speaker 3: Right, And I want to be clear that I'm not

1215
00:54:45,960 --> 00:54:49,120
Speaker 3: I respect the game. I'm not shaming either of these individuals.

1216
00:54:49,360 --> 00:54:51,880
Speaker 3: So if you know, that's what he or she likes,

1217
00:54:51,920 --> 00:54:53,719
Speaker 3: because there's guys just like that. They're like, you know,

1218
00:54:53,760 --> 00:54:56,080
Speaker 3: eighty gold chains and big rams too. There's just as

1219
00:54:56,120 --> 00:55:00,600
Speaker 3: many Instagram guy thoughts. So I'm definitely not shaming either way.

1220
00:55:00,880 --> 00:55:03,680
Speaker 3: I'm just saying that most people, they try to pursue

1221
00:55:03,680 --> 00:55:10,400
Speaker 3: somebody that's not compatible by frankly fronting so they know

1222
00:55:10,480 --> 00:55:12,880
Speaker 3: they're not compatible, but they make up for it with

1223
00:55:13,040 --> 00:55:14,799
Speaker 3: like Okay, I'm gonna you know, span the ball out

1224
00:55:14,800 --> 00:55:17,960
Speaker 3: and all this, I'm a put up this food. That

1225
00:55:18,040 --> 00:55:19,600
Speaker 3: word that I can never pronounce. I'm not even going

1226
00:55:19,640 --> 00:55:21,239
Speaker 3: to try to right now because Rich calling me out,

1227
00:55:21,239 --> 00:55:22,879
Speaker 3: and he's probably ready to call me out right now.

1228
00:55:23,239 --> 00:55:24,000
Speaker 4: No, I'm good, bro.

1229
00:55:25,600 --> 00:55:28,000
Speaker 3: So basically, you know there's no future in your front

1230
00:55:28,040 --> 00:55:30,080
Speaker 3: and would be my subitization.

1231
00:55:29,719 --> 00:55:33,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, no future in front.

1232
00:55:34,880 --> 00:55:36,200
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1233
00:55:35,440 --> 00:55:38,680
Speaker 5: I've never been one to uh fake the funk on

1234
00:55:39,040 --> 00:55:41,040
Speaker 5: the spending, and I've never felt, i mean like there'd

1235
00:55:41,040 --> 00:55:43,080
Speaker 5: be like dinners here and there, but I've never tried

1236
00:55:43,120 --> 00:55:45,960
Speaker 5: to act like I got like like I am what

1237
00:55:46,040 --> 00:55:46,279
Speaker 5: I am?

1238
00:55:46,320 --> 00:55:48,120
Speaker 4: I am who I am? You like it or you don't.

1239
00:55:48,640 --> 00:55:52,320
Speaker 5: But there are also people like who really care about money,

1240
00:55:52,400 --> 00:55:54,439
Speaker 5: like that's important to them. And you think about what's

1241
00:55:54,480 --> 00:55:59,680
Speaker 5: that book by Gary Chapman Love Languages, Like for some people.

1242
00:55:59,280 --> 00:56:02,640
Speaker 2: A reading that right now? Listen, I'm not kidding, change

1243
00:56:02,680 --> 00:56:03,600
Speaker 2: my life, keep going.

1244
00:56:04,000 --> 00:56:05,920
Speaker 4: Yeah, yes that look yeah.

1245
00:56:06,000 --> 00:56:08,240
Speaker 5: And so there are people where gifts like that really

1246
00:56:08,239 --> 00:56:10,799
Speaker 5: means a lot to them, and so that's something that

1247
00:56:10,840 --> 00:56:13,080
Speaker 5: you may have to adapt to or And I think

1248
00:56:13,120 --> 00:56:15,800
Speaker 5: this thought was triggered because if I think you mentioned,

1249
00:56:16,200 --> 00:56:18,920
Speaker 5: you know, just spending quality time together. So even that,

1250
00:56:19,000 --> 00:56:20,600
Speaker 5: there are gonna be people where it's like, well, you

1251
00:56:20,680 --> 00:56:23,680
Speaker 5: might buy them a big gift and because that's your

1252
00:56:23,719 --> 00:56:27,239
Speaker 5: primary love language, but then they don't even really like

1253
00:56:27,280 --> 00:56:29,640
Speaker 5: that's that's not really even what they want. And so

1254
00:56:29,880 --> 00:56:33,600
Speaker 5: this again goes back to that idea of communication. I mean,

1255
00:56:33,640 --> 00:56:35,239
Speaker 5: you might be spending all his money and when all

1256
00:56:35,239 --> 00:56:37,319
Speaker 5: she wants is you to just like give her a hug,

1257
00:56:37,360 --> 00:56:40,160
Speaker 5: sit on the couch, watch Netflix, go for a walk,

1258
00:56:40,200 --> 00:56:44,560
Speaker 5: whatever it is. So yeah, it's communication. Is is the

1259
00:56:44,560 --> 00:56:46,680
Speaker 5: big theme today, it seems, which I guess is expected

1260
00:56:46,719 --> 00:56:47,760
Speaker 5: with relationships.

1261
00:56:48,320 --> 00:56:50,200
Speaker 2: You could say, so much money if you just do

1262
00:56:50,320 --> 00:56:55,000
Speaker 2: their love language. That's to take away. All right, guys,

1263
00:56:55,400 --> 00:56:57,440
Speaker 2: this battle of the sex is way too simple for

1264
00:56:57,480 --> 00:56:59,920
Speaker 2: my taste. But it was really nice. Happened this lovely

1265
00:57:00,080 --> 00:57:02,000
Speaker 2: civil conversation with you guys.

1266
00:57:02,719 --> 00:57:04,360
Speaker 3: We didn't we didn't really get to some of the

1267
00:57:04,360 --> 00:57:06,640
Speaker 3: heated debate. Not that I'm complaining, I really thought I

1268
00:57:06,640 --> 00:57:08,479
Speaker 3: felt this a very good tharity. I'm not like rich.

1269
00:57:08,760 --> 00:57:13,520
Speaker 3: I got to get my my psychology services on skype prepared.

1270
00:57:14,920 --> 00:57:16,520
Speaker 3: I appreciate this. I appreciate this.

1271
00:57:16,880 --> 00:57:17,919
Speaker 4: It's definitely a good time.

1272
00:57:18,800 --> 00:57:20,560
Speaker 2: Well, you guys are a couple of catches. Thank you

1273
00:57:20,560 --> 00:57:23,760
Speaker 2: so much for joining Brown Ambition. Glad we finally made

1274
00:57:23,760 --> 00:57:26,920
Speaker 2: it happen. Tell the folks where they can find you.

1275
00:57:28,200 --> 00:57:28,480
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1276
00:57:28,520 --> 00:57:31,360
Speaker 5: So, you can find us on Twitter and Instagram at

1277
00:57:31,360 --> 00:57:35,440
Speaker 5: pay Balances, Facebook at Paychecks and Balances. You can find

1278
00:57:35,600 --> 00:57:38,640
Speaker 5: me on Twitter and the Graham at I Am Rich Jones,

1279
00:57:39,400 --> 00:57:39,880
Speaker 5: Hey Market.

1280
00:57:40,520 --> 00:57:43,840
Speaker 3: I'm on Twitter and Instagram at the Marcus Garrett with

1281
00:57:43,880 --> 00:57:46,960
Speaker 3: one T on Twitter to t's on Instagram, and of.

1282
00:57:46,880 --> 00:57:49,120
Speaker 4: Course the website at Paychecks and Balances dot com.

1283
00:57:49,120 --> 00:57:50,760
Speaker 2: Wait a second, one T on Twitter?

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00:57:51,080 --> 00:57:57,720
Speaker 1: ID you know what? You know what? I'm not even

1285
00:57:57,760 --> 00:57:59,600
Speaker 1: gonna you know, I'm gon let him rock. I'm gonna

1286
00:57:59,640 --> 00:58:00,320
Speaker 1: let him rock with that.

1287
00:58:00,960 --> 00:58:02,920
Speaker 2: Meanwhile, I'm like, we need to talk about this.

1288
00:58:03,320 --> 00:58:08,520
Speaker 1: Okay, No, But honestly, guys, thank you so much for

1289
00:58:08,600 --> 00:58:11,680
Speaker 1: coming on. It's always nice to get male perspective, and

1290
00:58:12,680 --> 00:58:16,560
Speaker 1: we are wishing you wealthy and healthy, happy relationship.

1291
00:58:17,640 --> 00:58:19,640
Speaker 3: Thank you. I look forward to coming back in the

1292
00:58:19,720 --> 00:58:20,480
Speaker 3: next three years.

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00:58:22,600 --> 00:58:25,000
Speaker 2: Anytime it's my fault, I take the blame. It was

1294
00:58:25,040 --> 00:58:25,880
Speaker 2: me dropped the ball.