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Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine. Hi Chelsea, Hi.

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Speaker 2: Where are you at right now?

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Speaker 1: You're all over well, I've it's been a rough run

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Speaker 1: of things.

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Speaker 3: I am dying.

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Speaker 4: I'm sick.

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Speaker 3: I just came from Sun Valley where I shot my

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Speaker 3: birthday video. I seem to have picked up a cold

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Speaker 3: on top of the infection that I have in my shoulders.

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Speaker 1: So I believe I'm dying.

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Speaker 3: But I have been dying now for like three or

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Speaker 3: four years, and I feel like fighting it really hard.

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Speaker 3: So we went to Sun Valley meet a bunch of

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Speaker 3: my girlfriends to shoot my birthday video.

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Speaker 1: Was quite a production. There was a lot of moving parts.

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Speaker 3: I had my friends Reggie and Lola christ in Sun

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Speaker 3: Valley set up the whole thing and organize it. And

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Speaker 3: it involved a lot of things, a lot of mountains,

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Speaker 3: a lot of bikinis, a lot of skiing, and the

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Speaker 3: sun came out just in time.

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Speaker 2: Oh beautiful. That's all you can hope for on your birthday.

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Speaker 1: Well, my birthday's coming up. Tuesday is my birthday. Everyone,

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Speaker 1: February twenty fifth, I turned fifty years old. I'm midlife joy.

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Speaker 1: That's what we're calling it. Chelsea Joy Handler is experienced

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Speaker 1: midlife joy. My new book.

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Speaker 3: I'll have what she's having my seventh book. My seventh

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Speaker 3: book is coming out on February twenty fifth.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I'm pretty pumped.

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Speaker 3: About turning fifty. I'm not going to pretend that I'm

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Speaker 3: upset about it, because I'm not.

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Speaker 2: I'm so happy for you. This is going to be

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Speaker 2: the decade of your life. I foresee it. I see it.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, I thank you. I appreciate that. But even

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Speaker 1: though I am dying, I feel amazing.

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Speaker 2: I'm so pleased.

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Speaker 3: I'm fighting this infection in my arm from my shoulder thing,

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Speaker 3: and that's going away.

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Speaker 1: Hopefully.

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Speaker 3: I get my pick line out February twenty fourth, the

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Speaker 3: day before my birthday.

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Speaker 1: Great time me. I've had one drink in four weeks.

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Speaker 3: I had a beer the other night when we got

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Speaker 3: to sun Jali, just to celebrating attitude. Then I announced

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Speaker 3: my European tour, which is going to take place May

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Speaker 3: in June. I'm going to like thirteen sixteen cities in Europe,

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Speaker 3: from like Oslo, Recuvic to Oslo and Portugal, Lisbon, all

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Speaker 3: these places.

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Speaker 1: So that's pretty excited.

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Speaker 3: And yes, I know Lisbon is the capital of Portugal

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Speaker 3: and Portugal isn't part of Lisbon, but I said it

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Speaker 3: in the wrong order, so that's really exciting. And my

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Speaker 3: Netflix special, which we just showed a clip of yesterday,

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Speaker 3: is coming out March twenty fifth, and I've just parted

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Speaker 3: rays with Dog. Doug was met in Sun Valley by

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Speaker 3: my bell, who flew home with him while I flew

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Speaker 3: back to Whistler because I'm having a birthday party, a

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Speaker 3: pre birthday party here before I leave for New York

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Speaker 3: to promote my book.

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Speaker 2: It's probably not suitable for children like Dog.

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Speaker 1: No, my book is probably not suitable for our children,

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Speaker 1: or adults for that matter.

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Speaker 3: Our guest today stars in Winning Time, Missus America, and

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Speaker 3: most recently Monsters. She played Leslie Abramson in the Lyle

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Speaker 3: and Eric Menenda story. Please welcome actress, Ari Grainer.

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Speaker 1: Hi, juju Hi, it's a jew festival. How are you?

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Speaker 4: It's a Jew bez. I'm great.

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Speaker 1: How are you wecome to the podcast? Ari Grainer.

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Speaker 4: I'm so happy to be on here and see you.

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Speaker 4: I met a good jollyon years ago.

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Speaker 1: Where did we meet? Refresh my memory? Please?

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Speaker 4: It was probably seventeen to eighteen years at Jenny and

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Speaker 4: Jason Oh.

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Speaker 3: Oh my god, two hot messes, the hot two of

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Speaker 3: the hottest messes.

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Speaker 1: And actually that's not fair to Jason.

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Speaker 3: Jenny's really the hot mess of the two, even though

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Speaker 3: Jason is also a high missed them.

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Speaker 1: Do you guys not see each other anymore?

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Speaker 5: Are you?

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Speaker 4: Where are you? You're in New York, right, I'm in

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Speaker 4: New York. I'm in upstate New York.

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Speaker 1: Now, Oh yes, you just bought your first big girl house.

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Speaker 4: I got a big girl house like six months before

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Speaker 4: the pandemic. I bought like a house built in eighteen

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Speaker 4: oh three with sixty two acres and a barn built

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Speaker 4: in seventeen ninety six. And it's it's crazy. It's been

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Speaker 4: like a hole. It's almost amazing.

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Speaker 1: Just in time to go back to that, just to

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Speaker 1: go back to that century.

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Speaker 4: That's right, everyone needs to step back into eighteen oh three.

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Speaker 1: Well, congratulations on that.

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Speaker 4: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: Isn't it nice to be a female homeowner?

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Speaker 4: It truly, truly is. I mean, it was a wild

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Speaker 4: thing doing it right before the pandemic. And I was

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Speaker 4: dating somebody at the time, but he hadn't seen the place,

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Speaker 4: and then we broke up, and then it was pandemic

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Speaker 4: and me and my dog were just like, great, now

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Speaker 4: we'll just face our existential crisis out on the land

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Speaker 4: and in this new house. And it was a pretty wild.

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Speaker 3: I think it's really powerful when you are a single

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Speaker 3: woman and are able to buy property.

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Speaker 1: It shouldn't really be.

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Speaker 3: As I was reading her notes, it is something that

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Speaker 3: you were talking about, because I thought it was a

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Speaker 3: great point about how long ago it was. It wasn't

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Speaker 3: that long ago where we had to get man's permission

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Speaker 3: to even have our name on a deed or to

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Speaker 3: cot they had to coast side a card to co

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Speaker 3: vouch for us to get I mean.

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Speaker 4: What like the seventies, Like it was not that long ago.

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Speaker 1: What a nightmare? That sounds like.

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Speaker 3: I really hope we're not headed back in that direction,

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Speaker 3: even though all fingers are pointing in that direction.

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Speaker 4: I know it's a scary time for sure, but yeah,

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Speaker 4: I mean it's felt like the power of that, like

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Speaker 4: it was a huge internal sense of power of not

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Speaker 4: only buying the place, but then being here alone and

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Speaker 4: having a space where it's like, you know, we have

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Speaker 4: all these like images of like the Marlborough Man or

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Speaker 4: like men alone in the woods and doing their thing,

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Speaker 4: but we don't only have that for women. And then

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Speaker 4: when I was here and I was out on the

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Speaker 4: land and doing my thing and being in solitude and

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Speaker 4: being like, this is my place. This is a powerful I.

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Speaker 1: Like out on the land.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, do you have like stuff like animals out on

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Speaker 2: the property.

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Speaker 4: No. I mean there's like the wild animals, you know,

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Speaker 4: so there's the occasional bear sighting. There's like some random

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Speaker 4: weasel kind of creatures and muskrats by the pond, and

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Speaker 4: deer and fox and you know, it's like all of that.

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Speaker 4: But I don't have chickens yet.

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Speaker 3: Eventually, have you ever seen any of those black black

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Speaker 3: king snakes up there in upstate New York?

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Speaker 4: Not a black king snake, I don't think, But there

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Speaker 4: are snakes. We called the big one Matild. We said

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Speaker 4: bulgeoue metild. I don't know why she got named Matild.

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Speaker 4: But there are these like enormous garden stakes. And one

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Speaker 4: got in the house. But I wasn't home and my

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Speaker 4: parents were here. My mom sent me this picture of

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Speaker 4: like a snake like this big that had I guess,

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Speaker 4: crawled through like the stone walls and was in the

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Speaker 4: living room and she had to take it out. And

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Speaker 4: I was very glad I wasn't home well.

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Speaker 3: So I do used to date this guy who had

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Speaker 3: a house in upstate New York and he had this

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Speaker 3: and there was this guy that lived in one of

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Speaker 3: the properties around him, and he knew I have I

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Speaker 3: have like a phobia of snakes, and they have all

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Speaker 3: those black, thick king snakes up in upstate New York.

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Speaker 3: And he told us he once opened up his cellar

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Speaker 3: turned on lights, and I mean it was pitch black

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Speaker 3: and all you saw were all these little sets of

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Speaker 3: white eyes, and that there were dot and it dozens,

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Speaker 3: dozens and king snakes resting on top of each other.

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Speaker 4: No.

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Speaker 1: I was like, that is like a scene for my

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Speaker 1: worst nightmare movie.

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Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah, Luckily, like the snakes are not the issue

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Speaker 4: for me. It's rodentia is the problem. And so when

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Speaker 4: I first moved here and and there was the first

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Speaker 4: couple of mouse sightings, I was like, I just have

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Speaker 4: to move. I'll have to sell it. I'm I'm out run,

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Speaker 4: I'm leaving a house I can never go inside ever again,

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Speaker 4: So burn it down.

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Speaker 1: What is rodentia exactly? Isn't that an an of rodentne rat.

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Speaker 4: It's like if I see like a mouse, I completely

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Speaker 4: lose my shit, and I've gotten better, like the big

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Speaker 4: like I could be alone for like months at a

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Speaker 4: time and figure out how to make that be okay.

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Speaker 4: But if there was a mouse or a dead mouse

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Speaker 4: in the house, I was like, this is something I

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Speaker 4: can't deal with. This is this is like the true

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Speaker 4: conference of my abilities. But snakes, like, I'm okay, that's funny.

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Speaker 3: I think people either have it about it's usually snakes

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Speaker 3: or spiders, and then it's usual spiders, Like I can

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Speaker 3: deal if I see a mouse, I'm not excited, but

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Speaker 3: I'm not going to lose it.

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Speaker 1: Like if I saw a snake.

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Speaker 3: Even in the wilderness, I have an issue with them

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Speaker 3: being there.

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Speaker 6: I'm okay with snakes, yeah, Spiders, Yeah that holds up.

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Speaker 4: Fighters okay too. It's like it's something about the way

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Speaker 4: the mouse moves. And I think I also have like

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Speaker 4: a traumatic experience with a hamster in my youth and

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Speaker 4: I never quite got over.

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Speaker 3: It didn't involve Richard Gears, but you know that's why

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Speaker 3: he had to move to Spain. He's actually he's on

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Speaker 3: the right track. He got the fuck out of here.

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Speaker 3: I was like, wait, that story, it's so funny. When

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Speaker 3: you hear rumors like that for so many years and

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Speaker 3: so many years that you know.

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Speaker 1: That rumor that career struck a Gerbil off his ass.

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Speaker 3: But it's like, how can you be a person that

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Speaker 3: goes around and those rumors are like, there's no recourse.

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Speaker 3: You just have to sit there and take it. You

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Speaker 3: just have to sit there because it's so ludical. Is

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Speaker 3: it could be completely made up or it could be

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Speaker 3: completely true. We'll never know, and maybe he doesn't.

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Speaker 4: Remember, maybe maybe he was in a black ari.

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Speaker 3: I was so first, I'm so impressed with your acting.

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Speaker 3: I think you're such a gifted and talented actress, as

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Speaker 3: do many others obviously, and I saw you in it

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Speaker 3: was at missus America, right, you were amazing in that.

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Speaker 3: And then most recently you were in Monsters, The Menandez

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Speaker 3: Brother's Story playing Leslie Stall their attorney, which sorry, sorry, sorry.

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Speaker 4: Leslie Abra, but Leslie Stall is great too. I'd love

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Speaker 4: to play her an attorney too. I think she was

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Speaker 4: on sixty minutes perfect Leslie Stall.

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Speaker 1: Leslie tight curls.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it's the same.

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Speaker 3: I am so eager to hear about your thoughts about

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Speaker 3: the Menendaz Brothers and like what you think, I mean, are.

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Speaker 2: They evolving right now?

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Speaker 1: Well now, because Kim.

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Speaker 3: Kardashian is trying to get them out of jail, and

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Speaker 3: I think she's success She's succeeding.

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Speaker 4: Well she was, I mean, you know now, look, I

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Speaker 4: mean I've been I was like embroiled for a year

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Speaker 4: and playing their defensive journeys. So obviously I was coming

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Speaker 4: at it from, you know, a very specific point of view.

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Speaker 4: I strongly believe it's time for them to be out

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Speaker 4: of jail. And Kim and all the gen zers who

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Speaker 4: found the Menendez trial on YouTube when it came in

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Speaker 4: twenty twenty one and then sort of started this movement

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Speaker 4: like on TikTok with them, and then the DA who

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Speaker 4: just who didn't get reelected, was like, get them out

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Speaker 4: of there. And now I just hope they don't get

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Speaker 4: stuck in another round of political maneuvering, because it's time

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Speaker 4: and it feels like the sentiment is like it's time

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Speaker 4: to look at this. And then this new DA keeps

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Speaker 4: pushing their trial date and I think it just got

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Speaker 4: moved again until March. It was supposed to be January thirtieth,

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Speaker 4: but they've been in for thirty five years. You know,

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Speaker 4: they both got college degrees, they have been helping hospice

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Speaker 4: with older inmates, they started a green space program. They've

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Speaker 4: never had another incident, and you know, I think just

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Speaker 4: if that trial happened now, I think it would be

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Speaker 4: looked at in a different kind of way than it

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Speaker 4: was by them.

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Speaker 1: So you're like on their side, right you?

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Speaker 4: Is that? What?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? I am?

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Speaker 3: You believe you believe because there's there's a lot of

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Speaker 3: back and forth about whether or not they were abused

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Speaker 3: to the degree that they claimed they were, and whether

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Speaker 3: or not this punishment is justified or if it's just

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Speaker 3: a sentencing. And because I came away from watching that,

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Speaker 3: I mean, I think I watched the real documentary and

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Speaker 3: then I watched your series, and I came away just

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Speaker 3: more confused than ever. I wasn't convinced that they were

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Speaker 3: as abused as they said they were. And then I

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Speaker 3: was like, God, if this, if these were two girls,

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Speaker 3: I wouldn't hesitate to believe them, you know, And I

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Speaker 3: had to think about why I didn't believe them, because

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Speaker 3: I was like, well, I just but and then I've

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Speaker 3: never been you know, I've never had that kind of

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Speaker 3: manipulation in my life where somebody was manipulating, Like if

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Speaker 3: if somebody did treat you that way and you were

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Speaker 3: you did turn into a grown man who could defend

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Speaker 3: yourself that you wouldn't because you're so brainwashed and you're

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Speaker 3: so there's such a power dynamic there. So talk to

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Speaker 3: me a little bit about what you learned about that,

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Speaker 3: because I'm so curious as from an insider's perspective.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean that was kind of at the crux

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Speaker 4: of the first trial, which was that basically the original

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Speaker 4: trial was a hung dury and it came down basically

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Speaker 4: along gender lines because the men didn't believe that boys

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Speaker 4: could be sexually abused, and culturally people didn't believe that,

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Speaker 4: which is absurd, you know. And I think that the

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Speaker 4: psychological impact, which is you know what leslie over the

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Speaker 4: course of that trial and the six years that she

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Speaker 4: was working with them, was trying to get people to

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Speaker 4: understand the psychology of abuse and of trauma, and and

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Speaker 4: you know, people being like, well, why didn't they just leave?

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Speaker 4: And it's like when you've been not only like horrifically

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Speaker 4: sexual abused, but also essentially brainwashed, the culture of control

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Speaker 4: within that house or in an abusive relationship you don't

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Speaker 4: realize you you can or how, or when people are

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Speaker 4: constantly threatening your life, you know. And even now, we

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Speaker 4: still don't really have like a correct recourse for victims

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Speaker 4: of abuse, who have tried to get away, who have

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Speaker 4: tried to divorce, who have tried to have restraining orders.

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Speaker 4: I'm not I'm not in any way condoning killing people

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Speaker 4: by anyway, but that's not what I'm here to do.

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Speaker 3: A spouse's retaliation in the form of murder.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, It's not something I'm signing up for, but

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Speaker 4: it is a part of the justice system that I

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Speaker 4: think is four women, four children of when you were

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Speaker 4: in a position in your life is on the line.

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Speaker 4: Does that mean that you should then be in prison

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Speaker 4: for the rest of your life because it was the

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Speaker 4: only way that you could survive. To me, I would

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Speaker 4: say not, but you know that's just me.

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Speaker 3: So what about the fact that was it Lyle that

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Speaker 3: was on the who was talking to his girlfriend after

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Speaker 3: the fact and admitted to lying about the sexual abuse.

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Speaker 1: What about that component of information.

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Speaker 4: Well, here's what I feel about that, which is like, also,

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Speaker 4: they did so much research on the show, So stuff

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Speaker 4: that was in there was correct. I never read the

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Speaker 4: book that she wrote. I was sort of like, I'm

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Speaker 4: staying on my defense track. But psychologically, there's something that

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Speaker 4: I can understand about that of like when you have

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Speaker 4: revealed your deepest, most unspeakable secret. I mean, first of all,

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Speaker 4: there is nothing more unspeakable than sexual abuse, especially when

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Speaker 4: you've come from a family where you are told your

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Speaker 4: entire life what you must never do is speak of something,

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Speaker 4: and then to share that, to reveal that, I think

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Speaker 4: there's like an automatic reaction to then want to protect

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Speaker 4: and defend and close up. I mean I even feel

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Speaker 4: that way, and I'm like therapized up the wazoo. But

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Speaker 4: when I have like a very vulnerable moment, there still

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Speaker 4: is the reaction afterwards to want to try to like

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Speaker 4: take it back or make a joke or do what

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Speaker 4: you know, there's a kind of a natural response to that.

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Speaker 4: And so in a way I understand where here's this

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Speaker 4: young man who's just revealed the most painful things and

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Speaker 4: the bravado of being like, I didn't you know, it

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Speaker 4: wasn't real. I don't remember what was said or what

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Speaker 4: was actually said, but I understand the emotional response to

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Speaker 4: want to close up, take it back, defend after revealing

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Speaker 4: something so unbelievably painful.

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Speaker 1: Heart Yeah, because right after.

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Speaker 3: The murders day, I think the biggest thing that was,

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Speaker 3: you know, they went on the shopping sprees, they spent

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Speaker 3: all this money.

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Speaker 1: They were acting just.

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Speaker 4: So they were dumb kids. I mean, right, they were

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Speaker 4: also dumb kids. But I also feel like I did

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Speaker 4: so much research about Leslie and I just think she's incredible,

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Speaker 4: and I guess for me, it's like to believe that

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Speaker 4: also they were not abused, means essentially that you think

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Speaker 4: she made that story up. And from all of my

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Speaker 4: research about her, like people had opinions about her, she

337
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,080
Speaker 4: was a real firecracker and not everybody liked her, but

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Speaker 4: nobody ever called in to question her integrity ever with

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Speaker 4: any of her clients throughout her career about having to

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Speaker 4: make up stories of their life, like she's not a snake.

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Speaker 4: She's so brilliant. It's like she's too smart to have

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Speaker 4: to make up something like that on their behalf. In

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Speaker 4: my personal belief and defense of her.

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Speaker 1: And did you have a lot of interaction with her?

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Speaker 4: With Leslie now, sadly I've not talked to her.

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Speaker 3: What are some other like surprising things that you learned

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Speaker 3: about her and doing the research.

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Speaker 4: Well, one thing that I think is really fun is

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Speaker 4: that Joan Didion and John Gregory Dunn, who's Dominic Dunn's brother,

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Speaker 4: were like her best friends. And so I feel like

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Speaker 4: when you find out that Joan Didion is her best friend,

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Speaker 4: you're like, well, she's definitely no snooze, you know, Like

353
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Speaker 4: that's it that like tells you about a person you know,

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Speaker 4: and she you know, she went to law school in

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Speaker 4: the late sixties as a single mother and drove a

356
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Speaker 4: yellow Corvette, and she came from Queen's and her grandmother

357
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Speaker 4: was a labor organizer and organizing and fighting against the man,

358
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Speaker 4: and they were like a family that fought and you know.

359
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Speaker 4: And then her there was like a her father basically

360
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Speaker 4: like completely her parents were divorced, but then her father

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Speaker 4: completely disappeared from her life. They thought that he had

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Speaker 4: moved to Florida to have another family, and it turned

363
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Speaker 4: out that he was living like a couple blocks away,

364
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Speaker 4: and she didn't speak to him for thirty four years.

365
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Speaker 4: Oh and then during the trial, during the first trial,

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Speaker 4: she reconnected with her father, adopted a baby, and her

367
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Speaker 4: mother died like all during the first trial, which is

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Speaker 4: crazy to think about.

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Speaker 3: Wow, it's amazing to think about people's lives, certain people's lives,

370
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Speaker 3: like you know, the backstory going to law school in

371
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Speaker 3: the sixties as a woman, just that alone, right, I

372
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Speaker 3: wonder what that was like in a yellow Corvette. I

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Speaker 3: wonder what kind of car Leslie Stall was driving at

374
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Speaker 3: that time.

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Speaker 4: I know, let's get Leslie Stall on the phone.

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Speaker 2: Early cars.

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Speaker 3: I reel like and when you go in, like when

378
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Speaker 3: you're playing such a character, because you want I mean,

379
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Speaker 3: I don't know, I'm not really an actor actor, So

380
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Speaker 3: when you're playing a character, you don't want to impersonate them, right,

381
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Speaker 3: You don't want to make a caricature.

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Speaker 1: You want to do your version of them.

383
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Speaker 4: Is that correct? Yes? Yes, I mean I definitely didn't. Yeah,

384
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Speaker 4: you don't want to do an impersonation. But also like

385
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Speaker 4: the juicyness of the opportunity of playing a real person,

386
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Speaker 4: being like I want to try to honor and get

387
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Speaker 4: down this person's essence and also you know, the rhythm

388
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Speaker 4: of how she spoke and where her voice was and

389
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,720
Speaker 4: how she moves and all that stuff. But yeah, I

390
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:53,480
Speaker 4: mean that was like the terror of working on it.

391
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Speaker 4: Myself and then showing up and you know, because I don't, like,

392
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Speaker 4: I don't work with a coach or anything. I do

393
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:04,440
Speaker 4: this sort of like unconscious dream work that is its

394
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Speaker 4: own thing. But like I'd never heard myself do it

395
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Speaker 4: out loud basically until I showed up on set. I

396
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:16,199
Speaker 4: mean I did it in the audition, but you know, auditions,

397
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Speaker 4: you're just kind of starting that process where you watch

398
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Speaker 4: like a couple videos and you know, I had listened

399
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Speaker 4: to her audio book, but yeah, I was so scared

400
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,280
Speaker 4: because I was like, I don't know, am I doing

401
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:30,240
Speaker 4: this right? I mean I sort of felt that way

402
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,440
Speaker 4: throughout the whole shoot, Like we were still shooting episode eight,

403
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:39,280
Speaker 4: and I remember saying to Ian Brennan, who is one

404
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,000
Speaker 4: of the co creators of the show, and he was

405
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,960
Speaker 4: also directing, and I just remember sort of standing there

406
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,919
Speaker 4: and being like, do you think I'm good? And he

407
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,760
Speaker 4: was like, what do you mean? The scene was good?

408
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,080
Speaker 4: And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I mean like,

409
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Speaker 4: do you think I'm good as Leslie? And he was like,

410
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,399
Speaker 4: what are you talking about? Like you are Leslie? What

411
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:58,720
Speaker 4: do you mean? And I was like, okay, this finess, man.

412
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Speaker 1: How did you not you didn't what does the voice

413
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:04,119
Speaker 1: or the accent? I mean, I mean on your own.

414
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:07,719
Speaker 4: Like I did kind of, but it's sort of like

415
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:11,600
Speaker 4: I would hear it. I mean, and I was just watching.

416
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,879
Speaker 4: I was watching everything with her. She wrote a book

417
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,160
Speaker 4: and she also did the audio books, so I would

418
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:20,240
Speaker 4: listen to that all the time. I would fall asleep

419
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:25,520
Speaker 4: to her voice said policy to the book. And you know,

420
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Speaker 4: like there were days on set when I did it,

421
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:31,000
Speaker 4: but especially in the very beginning, I had one day

422
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Speaker 4: of shooting and then I had I think three weeks

423
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Speaker 4: off or a month, and you know, those are the

424
00:21:38,359 --> 00:21:41,600
Speaker 4: dark days of the soul, when it's the interstitial time

425
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:45,920
Speaker 4: where you're like, what have I done? Am I going

426
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:49,560
Speaker 4: to be fired? Am I doing this right? And I

427
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,760
Speaker 4: think because you do, like everybody kind of has their

428
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:56,480
Speaker 4: own way of doing it, Like some people are watching

429
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:59,760
Speaker 4: everything and trying to get it perfectly, Like there's some

430
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:05,119
Speaker 4: videos from the trial that I wanted it to be

431
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:08,600
Speaker 4: as close to the thing as possible. But then sometimes

432
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:13,000
Speaker 4: people play real people, but they just are like, I'm

433
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,400
Speaker 4: doing completely doing my own version of it, and they're

434
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:18,879
Speaker 4: both right, you know, but it's just like a matter

435
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:23,120
Speaker 4: of if it works within the context of the thing.

436
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:24,960
Speaker 3: But okay, go back to what you were saying. You

437
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:28,520
Speaker 3: do some dream sequence. What did you just mentioned earlier

438
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:29,080
Speaker 3: before that.

439
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:35,080
Speaker 4: Yeah, so there's this creative dream work I do, and

440
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:41,920
Speaker 4: it sort of is about tapping into your unconscious as

441
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:45,800
Speaker 4: a way of tapping into your creative source, like this

442
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:49,760
Speaker 4: idea that sort of every character comes to you for

443
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:52,560
Speaker 4: a reason and at this time, and it's like, what

444
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:58,200
Speaker 4: are you able to explore sort of through this character

445
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:01,640
Speaker 4: of this work. So some times you use an actual

446
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:04,520
Speaker 4: dream and you sort of walk through the dream in

447
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:08,639
Speaker 4: your mind. It's very it's very hard to describe, but

448
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,840
Speaker 4: it's really powerful. And I sort of used the episode

449
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:16,800
Speaker 4: five where me and Cooper Katchi plays Eric Menandez where

450
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:21,800
Speaker 4: it's a one shot, one seen conversation with us in prison,

451
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:25,520
Speaker 4: and sort of used that and walked through that, and

452
00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:28,960
Speaker 4: a lot of really interesting things came up for me

453
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:33,359
Speaker 4: in that about anger, about like confronting and owning my

454
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:37,480
Speaker 4: own anger. Because Leslie was somebody who is like very

455
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:40,840
Speaker 4: in touch with her anger and would define herself as

456
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:45,160
Speaker 4: a as a fighter, like a fighting type, and I'm

457
00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:47,520
Speaker 4: less of a fighting type, Like I have a lot

458
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:50,199
Speaker 4: of anger, but it's not. You know, I think for

459
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:52,679
Speaker 4: women it's hard to own anger. It's hard to know

460
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:56,040
Speaker 4: or for me, for me just speaking for myself, where

461
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:59,399
Speaker 4: it's it's there. But I think tapping into that and

462
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,080
Speaker 4: owning that and holding that and that was such a

463
00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:04,520
Speaker 4: big part of I think where she was coming from

464
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:08,040
Speaker 4: an episode five of like the anger of what they

465
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:11,159
Speaker 4: had gone through and what there was parents like that

466
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:14,520
Speaker 4: that was not what parenting was, and so there was

467
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:18,760
Speaker 4: you know, it's it's a it's a deep way of

468
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,960
Speaker 4: getting in touch with something without it being like, what's

469
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,720
Speaker 4: my objective in the scene, you know, it's like a

470
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:27,560
Speaker 4: deep right, right, I'm doing a great job. I think

471
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:29,560
Speaker 4: I'm doing a very good job describing well.

472
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:31,840
Speaker 3: I mean, I've never heard about this before, so it's

473
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,840
Speaker 3: my introduction. So that's okay. I don't have to fully understand.

474
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:36,320
Speaker 3: I just wanted to get a sense of what you

475
00:24:36,359 --> 00:24:38,160
Speaker 3: were talking about. As soon as you said dream work,

476
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:39,960
Speaker 3: I'm like, we're gonna need to go back to that

477
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:43,600
Speaker 3: for a second. Yeah, Okay, We're going to take a

478
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:45,880
Speaker 3: break and we'll be right back with Ari Grainer.

479
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:53,320
Speaker 6: And we're back with are you ready to give some advice?

480
00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:55,200
Speaker 3: All r are you ready to give some at least

481
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,520
Speaker 3: some of the Are you ready to give some legal advice?

482
00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:01,520
Speaker 4: Because legal advice the most all advised dating advice. I

483
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:02,760
Speaker 4: cannot way medical.

484
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,080
Speaker 2: You know we do a lot of that here.

485
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,640
Speaker 4: Oh I mean medical too, Yeah, no, I got it.

486
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:10,000
Speaker 6: Well, this it's so funny how sometimes things will come

487
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:12,800
Speaker 6: up earlier in the episode that we then have questions about.

488
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:15,040
Speaker 6: So our first question is a write in. It comes

489
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:18,520
Speaker 6: from Wendy. Wendy says, Dear Chelsea, I am a woman

490
00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:21,359
Speaker 6: in the United States. I feel extremely unsafe with the

491
00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:25,240
Speaker 6: current administration. I'm a feminist and activist and have become

492
00:25:25,359 --> 00:25:28,359
Speaker 6: much more active since the DABS decision. I even host

493
00:25:28,359 --> 00:25:31,719
Speaker 6: a podcast about deconstructing patriarchy and living life on your

494
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:35,520
Speaker 6: own terms. However, I feel compelled to move out of

495
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,159
Speaker 6: this soon to be a shithole. My friend says, like

496
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:41,440
Speaker 6: James Baldwin, I will regret leaving to better myself while

497
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:42,800
Speaker 6: leaving everyone else behind.

498
00:25:43,119 --> 00:25:46,360
Speaker 2: I disagree. At what point did people start leaving Germany.

499
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:49,880
Speaker 6: I can still do all feminist and activist interests while

500
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:52,639
Speaker 6: living overseas. I can fly back and do keynotes, host

501
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:55,920
Speaker 6: my podcast, and write my substack and talk on social media.

502
00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,879
Speaker 2: Do you think I'll regret moving out, Wendy.

503
00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:00,720
Speaker 1: I would say, go for it.

504
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:04,960
Speaker 3: I personally, if you are not comfortable with what's happening,

505
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:08,520
Speaker 3: you go, and if you have the means to go. Absolutely.

506
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:11,479
Speaker 3: I think a lot of people are having these thoughts,

507
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,520
Speaker 3: and I think you have to do what's right for

508
00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:15,160
Speaker 3: your sanity.

509
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:18,880
Speaker 4: Yeah, I agree with that. I agree with that, And

510
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,080
Speaker 4: I don't know. I mean, it's so hard to know

511
00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:23,440
Speaker 4: of like all the specifics of what you're who you're leaving,

512
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:29,040
Speaker 4: but it's also people. You still hold those people in

513
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,840
Speaker 4: your life, you know, and there's there's other life to

514
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:36,240
Speaker 4: be had, there's other experiences to be had, there's other

515
00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:39,960
Speaker 4: places to live, and I think, like fine, listening to

516
00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:42,639
Speaker 4: that voice is important. I mean, these are questions I

517
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,600
Speaker 4: ask myself. Do I don't know, do you ask yourself

518
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:46,159
Speaker 4: those questions?

519
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:49,119
Speaker 3: Jo Oh, absolutely, I'm thinking about it all the time.

520
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:52,040
Speaker 3: I'm always thinking about it. I just watched Lee last night,

521
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:54,600
Speaker 3: that Kate Winslet movie that. Yeah, it takes place during

522
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,520
Speaker 3: World War Two and like the Rise of Hitler, her

523
00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,000
Speaker 3: whole life was happening during the Rise of Hitler.

524
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:02,560
Speaker 1: And she talks to the movie like the character.

525
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:06,080
Speaker 3: It happened so slowly, yet it happened so quickly, like

526
00:27:06,119 --> 00:27:08,600
Speaker 3: they watched it, but it didn't seem real. It seemed

527
00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:11,960
Speaker 3: like a dream. It seemed surreal, and then it was real.

528
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,720
Speaker 3: And then you had to exist within that. And it's like,

529
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,360
Speaker 3: how do you exist when Hitler's trying to take over

530
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,280
Speaker 3: Europe and he's the most powerful man in Europe? And

531
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:25,680
Speaker 3: she talks about living a life under that, like within that,

532
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:27,879
Speaker 3: living a life and then choosing, And then she became

533
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:30,440
Speaker 3: a war photographer because she had to do her part.

534
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:33,199
Speaker 3: She felt so compelled to do her part. And whatever

535
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:36,280
Speaker 3: your part is, you can still do that without being

536
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:37,000
Speaker 3: in this country.

537
00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:38,720
Speaker 1: I believe that. I don't think you have to be

538
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:39,560
Speaker 1: here to fight.

539
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:41,959
Speaker 3: And I totally understand wanting to get out of here,

540
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:44,080
Speaker 3: and I would say, if that's your inclination, go for it.

541
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:44,440
Speaker 1: You can.

542
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:46,480
Speaker 3: Of course, you're not gonna you know, the people in

543
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:49,200
Speaker 3: your life or in your life, they're not going anywhere, but.

544
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:49,679
Speaker 1: You might be.

545
00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:53,639
Speaker 3: And you know, if that's your decision, absolutely I totally

546
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:53,960
Speaker 3: get it.

547
00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:57,240
Speaker 4: I think you should go. Wendy, Yeah, I agree.

548
00:27:57,400 --> 00:27:59,639
Speaker 6: I find myself wanting to sort of like bury my

549
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:01,280
Speaker 6: head in the sand a little bit, and like, this

550
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:02,680
Speaker 6: is not what Wendy's doing.

551
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:04,200
Speaker 2: She's like, I'm going to keep up the good fight.

552
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:06,280
Speaker 6: But if you need to remove yourself from the physical

553
00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:09,520
Speaker 6: location in order to like keep your stamina to keep

554
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,600
Speaker 6: doing that, it's probably the right choice.

555
00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:14,560
Speaker 4: Well, And fighting can look like a lot of different ways,

556
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:16,919
Speaker 4: or resistance can look like a lot of different ways,

557
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:20,080
Speaker 4: Like it's it doesn't just have to be what we

558
00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:22,439
Speaker 4: think of of, like fighting in a traditional sense, like

559
00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:27,080
Speaker 4: that can also be stepping outside of the norm or

560
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,080
Speaker 4: what you think you're supposed to do and showing a

561
00:28:29,119 --> 00:28:33,080
Speaker 4: resistance about what feels right to you. Yeah, go, Wendy go.

562
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:34,679
Speaker 4: Maybe I'll be following you.

563
00:28:35,119 --> 00:28:37,080
Speaker 6: Yeah, And Wendy, send us the name of your podcast.

564
00:28:37,119 --> 00:28:38,520
Speaker 6: We'll put it in the show notes so people can

565
00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:42,440
Speaker 6: check it out. Our first color is Bree. Bree says

566
00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:44,840
Speaker 6: Dear Chelsea. I'm thirty five, and I've been in a

567
00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:48,720
Speaker 6: series of monogamous relationships since i was eighteen. I left

568
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:51,400
Speaker 6: a tenure relationship with a great man who I still

569
00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:53,880
Speaker 6: adore as a friend, then fucked around and found myself

570
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:57,080
Speaker 6: in a relationship with a raging alcoholic, then somehow ended

571
00:28:57,160 --> 00:28:59,760
Speaker 6: up in a relationship with a man. Child put myself

572
00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:01,760
Speaker 6: through the ringer and have been in therapy for two

573
00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:03,360
Speaker 6: and a half years to find out a lot about

574
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:05,520
Speaker 6: myself as well as what I want in a partner.

575
00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:08,320
Speaker 6: A year and a half ago, I told my therapist

576
00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:11,040
Speaker 6: about all the qualities I wanted in a man, and boom,

577
00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:13,920
Speaker 6: I met him that night and can now finally say

578
00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:16,760
Speaker 6: I'm in a loving and healthy relationship with someone I

579
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:18,080
Speaker 6: truly see a future with.

580
00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:19,360
Speaker 2: He's a little.

581
00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:21,000
Speaker 6: Older than me and has been ready to move in

582
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:23,719
Speaker 6: together for a couple months. But here's a thing. I

583
00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:27,000
Speaker 6: love living alone and I'm having a very hard time

584
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:30,440
Speaker 6: thinking about leaving my apartment and living with someone else again.

585
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:32,680
Speaker 6: Help a sister out, how do I handle this?

586
00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:33,160
Speaker 7: Bri?

587
00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:39,680
Speaker 3: Hibri Hibri, Wow, Bri, I totally I feel you.

588
00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:45,080
Speaker 1: This is our special guest today, Ari Grainer, Hi, I

589
00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:45,600
Speaker 1: feel you.

590
00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:47,920
Speaker 3: And is there any way you can keep your apartment

591
00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:49,760
Speaker 3: while you move in with him?

592
00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:53,000
Speaker 7: I mean I could, but it's so expensive where I live,

593
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:55,720
Speaker 7: and like that would be The dream is to keep

594
00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:57,800
Speaker 7: my apartment, for sure, but I don't know how I

595
00:29:57,800 --> 00:29:58,959
Speaker 7: would work that financially.

596
00:29:59,080 --> 00:29:59,880
Speaker 1: It is the only thing.

597
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:03,280
Speaker 4: Are you guys in the same city, so we're like.

598
00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:06,080
Speaker 7: Forty five minutes apart, which I love because it's like

599
00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:09,520
Speaker 7: space and we both live by the ocean, so it's perfect.

600
00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:12,480
Speaker 7: But it's just like, yeah, so we're forty five minutes apart,

601
00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:15,000
Speaker 7: but the commute doesn't really bug us or anything.

602
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:18,640
Speaker 3: I honestly, I'm going to just say that I would

603
00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:22,840
Speaker 3: stay where you are. Thankes surprise here, I know, But

604
00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:26,040
Speaker 3: I would just say, any distance you can have with

605
00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:29,440
Speaker 3: you someone you love, you met this great guy, it

606
00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:32,960
Speaker 3: sounds perfect for you, and it sounds like you manifested

607
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:37,000
Speaker 3: it like very quickly, and if you're really into and

608
00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:39,960
Speaker 3: you dig your alone time, I really would be hesitant

609
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:40,640
Speaker 3: to give that up.

610
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:44,160
Speaker 4: I had to say my partner now that I've been

611
00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:47,320
Speaker 4: with for four and a half years, I live in

612
00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:50,920
Speaker 4: upstate New York and he lives in Seattle half the

613
00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:55,200
Speaker 4: time because he has a sixteen year old And I

614
00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:57,840
Speaker 4: don't know, after like a lot of relationships of like

615
00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:01,240
Speaker 4: serial monogamy, living with peoplelah blah blah, sometimes I think

616
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:04,120
Speaker 4: it's harder to be with somebody all of the time

617
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:08,920
Speaker 4: than it is to be away from each other sometimes,

618
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:11,440
Speaker 4: and I don't know, I think it can look a

619
00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:15,800
Speaker 4: lot of different ways where you can have like a beautiful, full, intimate,

620
00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:20,520
Speaker 4: committed relationship and not have to live together all of

621
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:21,000
Speaker 4: the time.

622
00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:23,840
Speaker 8: Yeah, totally, I fully agree with you.

623
00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:27,840
Speaker 3: Yeah, forty five minutes away is nothing like that is nothing.

624
00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:30,680
Speaker 3: I mean, I've been in so many long distance relationships

625
00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:34,680
Speaker 3: and they work great because there's not an overdose of

626
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:37,520
Speaker 3: the person in my life. I want to miss someone,

627
00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:40,040
Speaker 3: you know, that's what makes me keep coming back. So

628
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:43,880
Speaker 3: and you seem like that same type if you're saying that.

629
00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:48,320
Speaker 4: Yeah, but you're saying it's too hard the financials of

630
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:52,680
Speaker 4: holding onto this relationship, this apartment, now that's.

631
00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:55,520
Speaker 1: So hard or no, I we can keep our living

632
00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:57,280
Speaker 1: situation as is. And that's the thing.

633
00:31:57,320 --> 00:31:58,880
Speaker 7: I never want to live with someone just because it's

634
00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:02,400
Speaker 7: financially smart like that. I've done that and it's not

635
00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:04,800
Speaker 7: the right way to approach things. But yeah, I can

636
00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:06,800
Speaker 7: keep my spot now for as long as I want.

637
00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:09,360
Speaker 7: He can keep his spot. It's more just the he

638
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:13,000
Speaker 7: wants to live together, and I'm like, I'm not ready.

639
00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:16,360
Speaker 4: Can you can? Do you have the kind of work

640
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:21,760
Speaker 4: life where you can go stay with him for you know,

641
00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:24,120
Speaker 4: like a week on, a week off kind of thing.

642
00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:27,719
Speaker 1: Yeah, totally, totally. I work from home so it's easy.

643
00:32:27,800 --> 00:32:31,320
Speaker 7: And my therapist she had mentioned doing like a trial run.

644
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:34,360
Speaker 7: But even that, I'm like, I know I'm gonna want

645
00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:34,920
Speaker 7: to go home.

646
00:32:36,160 --> 00:32:39,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, I'm gonna want my space.

647
00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:42,959
Speaker 3: Have you talked to him about it, like about your hesitancy?

648
00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:45,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, he knows everything. He actually knows.

649
00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:47,040
Speaker 7: I was asking you guys for advice too, and he

650
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:48,720
Speaker 7: was like, good, get her advice, and I was like,

651
00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:51,680
Speaker 7: not agree with what you want.

652
00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:52,800
Speaker 1: But I just think you have to.

653
00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:55,720
Speaker 3: As women, we really have to listen to ourselves. And

654
00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:58,440
Speaker 3: sometimes we get swept away in an emotion and a

655
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:00,800
Speaker 3: feeling and we make a decision and based on what

656
00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:03,800
Speaker 3: someone else wants for our relationship. And of course he

657
00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:05,440
Speaker 3: wants to live with you. Of course he wants to

658
00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:07,480
Speaker 3: see you every morning when you wake up. But if

659
00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:09,560
Speaker 3: that's not the type of person you are, and I

660
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,760
Speaker 3: think this is more and more true for women everywhere.

661
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:14,240
Speaker 3: You're going to end up presenting that, you're going to

662
00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:17,000
Speaker 3: end up feeling crowded, and you may sabotage the relationship,

663
00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:21,040
Speaker 3: not definitely, but possibly. So why even risk it if

664
00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:24,160
Speaker 3: you have a good thing going forty five minutes is nothing.

665
00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:26,280
Speaker 4: And it's so chic to live apart, and it's like

666
00:33:26,440 --> 00:33:29,760
Speaker 4: both places can feel like a version of home, and

667
00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:34,600
Speaker 4: like having alone time is important, Like I feel like

668
00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:38,560
Speaker 4: that has been like the key pillar of my life

669
00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:42,320
Speaker 4: and healthy relationships has been like how much time I

670
00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:45,520
Speaker 4: need alone and reckoning with that because for so long

671
00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:48,000
Speaker 4: it felt like there was something wrong with me for

672
00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:51,800
Speaker 4: requiring the amount of alone time I need it And

673
00:33:51,840 --> 00:33:55,880
Speaker 4: it has nothing to do with the relationship or bearing

674
00:33:56,000 --> 00:34:02,800
Speaker 4: on any anything except that, like it's important autonomy. Alone

675
00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:06,400
Speaker 4: time is good and your relationship can flourish within that.

676
00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:08,480
Speaker 3: So and then you can just spit it be like

677
00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:10,160
Speaker 3: this is how committed I am to you.

678
00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:12,680
Speaker 1: I'm going to keep my apartment.

679
00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:14,560
Speaker 3: Because I believe we're going to go like for the

680
00:34:14,680 --> 00:34:17,840
Speaker 3: long haul, and I want us, I want us to

681
00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:20,040
Speaker 3: be successful, and I think that's going to be part

682
00:34:20,040 --> 00:34:20,920
Speaker 3: of our success.

683
00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:23,920
Speaker 6: Yeah, okay, I love the idea that our head of

684
00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:25,680
Speaker 6: like even if it's a few days on and a

685
00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:27,520
Speaker 6: few days off, or a week on and a week off,

686
00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:29,160
Speaker 6: like do it part time, but it doesn't have to

687
00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:30,800
Speaker 6: be like let's try it for six months.

688
00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:35,560
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, especially forty five minutes away, you know,

689
00:34:35,719 --> 00:34:38,840
Speaker 4: and it's like a week. Yeah, like going there for

690
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:40,839
Speaker 4: a week, then I have a couple of days, then

691
00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:44,000
Speaker 4: he can come there if he can, Like I don't know,

692
00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:47,839
Speaker 4: I've found that that's worked very well for me. And

693
00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:54,440
Speaker 4: now this feels like our home together, but also what

694
00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:57,200
Speaker 4: I can do how I feel, or like what I

695
00:34:57,239 --> 00:35:00,160
Speaker 4: can do for myself when I'm alone in my you know,

696
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:04,440
Speaker 4: my week off. Well he's back. It's like I need

697
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:04,919
Speaker 4: that time.

698
00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:06,000
Speaker 8: Yeah, yeah, same.

699
00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:08,160
Speaker 7: It's like a recharge for sure, and like a reset

700
00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:09,520
Speaker 7: and recenter and the whole thing.

701
00:35:09,760 --> 00:35:10,160
Speaker 4: For sure.

702
00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:11,360
Speaker 8: I completely agree.

703
00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:13,279
Speaker 1: So I guess my question is, though, is like what

704
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:14,400
Speaker 1: if it becomes a deal.

705
00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:16,719
Speaker 8: Breaker and then I have to choose between the two?

706
00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:19,480
Speaker 1: Do you think it will become a deal breaker?

707
00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:20,920
Speaker 8: I think so in the future.

708
00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:24,040
Speaker 4: Yeah, how long have you guys been together. We're coming

709
00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:26,960
Speaker 4: up on two years. Well, also, I feel like in

710
00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:29,960
Speaker 4: two years, who knows how you'll feel or how he feels, right,

711
00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:33,680
Speaker 4: you know, like in this moment, especially if maybe it's

712
00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:37,840
Speaker 4: you commit to different chunks of time together. So it's

713
00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:42,439
Speaker 4: thinking about doing like a week together and then three

714
00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:44,600
Speaker 4: days apart, and that like maybe there's a way to

715
00:35:44,680 --> 00:35:49,120
Speaker 4: structure some of that time, so you both know how

716
00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:52,480
Speaker 4: you are committed to spending big chunks of time together

717
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:55,200
Speaker 4: while also having that time apart, and then you know

718
00:35:55,360 --> 00:35:58,560
Speaker 4: your feelings might change in a few years.

719
00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:01,160
Speaker 3: Or commit to doing a month together and then teach

720
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:04,600
Speaker 3: yourselves both a lesson because I'm sure by the end

721
00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:06,719
Speaker 3: of it you both want fucking three days off.

722
00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:07,839
Speaker 1: Like you know what I mean.

723
00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:11,600
Speaker 3: You can be like, sure, let's try. I'll come live

724
00:36:11,640 --> 00:36:13,960
Speaker 3: with you for one month straight and then let's discuss it.

725
00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:17,120
Speaker 3: Let's regroup and see how we both liked that, you know,

726
00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:18,480
Speaker 3: like experimentally.

727
00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:20,879
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would definitely trust your gut.

728
00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:23,160
Speaker 6: And if he does, make it a deal breaker, call

729
00:36:23,239 --> 00:36:24,960
Speaker 6: in and do a MINISOD for couples.

730
00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:26,080
Speaker 1: Counseling and we'll do couples counseling.

731
00:36:26,160 --> 00:36:27,719
Speaker 2: Love that idea fun?

732
00:36:27,719 --> 00:36:29,040
Speaker 4: Perfect, right?

733
00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:29,440
Speaker 2: Thanks?

734
00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:31,840
Speaker 4: Okay, bye ba bye.

735
00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:32,280
Speaker 1: I think.

736
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:35,279
Speaker 4: By the way, do you watch couples Therapy?

737
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:37,120
Speaker 1: I love it? I love it.

738
00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:41,920
Speaker 3: I love watching therapy. It's the best me to or

739
00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:45,200
Speaker 3: not is such a good therapist? Yeah, I really's good.

740
00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:46,719
Speaker 4: She is.

741
00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:50,120
Speaker 3: Whenever they talk, whenever we see her personal life, I'm like, no, no,

742
00:36:50,239 --> 00:36:51,719
Speaker 3: I don't I don't want to see anything about her

743
00:36:51,719 --> 00:36:54,040
Speaker 3: personal life, like she's such a good therapist. I just

744
00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:56,360
Speaker 3: want to keep her in that little bubble, you know

745
00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:59,080
Speaker 3: what I mean, totally. Yeah, I don't want to know

746
00:36:59,080 --> 00:36:59,680
Speaker 3: that you have a son.

747
00:36:59,719 --> 00:37:01,840
Speaker 1: I don't. I'm not interested she has.

748
00:37:01,719 --> 00:37:04,279
Speaker 4: A son, I think so, I think she has a.

749
00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:05,919
Speaker 2: Silars Yeah, don't.

750
00:37:08,719 --> 00:37:08,879
Speaker 4: Well.

751
00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:10,480
Speaker 2: Our next question comes from Catherine.

752
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:13,000
Speaker 6: I think she needs a little bit of like a

753
00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:16,520
Speaker 6: confidence boost here, so she says, Dear Chelsea, I went

754
00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:18,399
Speaker 6: through a bit of a hard time a few years ago,

755
00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:20,360
Speaker 6: and just this year started dating again.

756
00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:22,160
Speaker 2: It's been a rollercoaster, for sure.

757
00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:25,120
Speaker 6: I've had some people I've been interested in, dated, slept with,

758
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:28,480
Speaker 6: but nothing's panned out. My workplace shares a building with

759
00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:31,560
Speaker 6: another company. I've had negative experiences in the past dating

760
00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:35,200
Speaker 6: coworkers and have a strict no coworkers policy for myself.

761
00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:37,440
Speaker 6: When I first started the job, I noticed a good

762
00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:40,120
Speaker 6: looking guy at the other company, but never had reason

763
00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:42,600
Speaker 6: to interact. He introduced himself to me when there was

764
00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:44,600
Speaker 6: a random fire in the building, and then a couple

765
00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:46,880
Speaker 6: months later, a weird accident led to him talking to

766
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:50,200
Speaker 6: me again. We've chatted a few times since. Recently, he's

767
00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:52,919
Speaker 6: intentionally brought himself into my orbit, and I'm pretty sure

768
00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:56,279
Speaker 6: he's also interested. My issue is that even though we

769
00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:58,920
Speaker 6: don't work together, we share an open workspace.

770
00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:00,200
Speaker 2: Second ish you.

771
00:38:00,440 --> 00:38:02,759
Speaker 6: A different colleague of mine has proven to be a

772
00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:04,799
Speaker 6: bit of a gross person when it comes to at

773
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:08,560
Speaker 6: work relations. Because my work crush and this colleague associate,

774
00:38:08,680 --> 00:38:10,560
Speaker 6: I can't help but worry that my crush shares the

775
00:38:10,600 --> 00:38:13,880
Speaker 6: same kind of locker room talk as this colleague. I

776
00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:16,640
Speaker 6: pride myself on my reputation at work, so everything in

777
00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:19,120
Speaker 6: me is screaming not to pursue it. But I don't

778
00:38:19,120 --> 00:38:21,640
Speaker 6: want to write off my first real crush in four years.

779
00:38:21,880 --> 00:38:24,719
Speaker 6: Should I give him a chance despite my colleague's bro talk?

780
00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:27,840
Speaker 4: Yes, yes, yes, yes.

781
00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:30,000
Speaker 2: And this is also Catherine.

782
00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:33,440
Speaker 1: So afterine what they're doing? What is all of this nonsense?

783
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:38,600
Speaker 1: This is all noise? Get after it.

784
00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:40,799
Speaker 8: This is this is the noisiest thing.

785
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:44,279
Speaker 3: I now will turn the fucking volume down and get

786
00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:47,319
Speaker 3: down to the basics. You are attracted to someone who

787
00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:49,480
Speaker 3: is attracted to you just because he has so. I

788
00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:51,839
Speaker 3: have a news flash for you, Like guys you're gonna

789
00:38:51,880 --> 00:38:53,800
Speaker 3: date are gonna have asshole friends, period.

790
00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:58,640
Speaker 8: Friends. I don't even I've been talking to exactly.

791
00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:02,759
Speaker 3: You don't even know if all of this is like supposition.

792
00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:05,879
Speaker 3: You're not even sure what's happening, and you're built, you're

793
00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:08,880
Speaker 3: making like eighty different blocks for you to get to

794
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:10,920
Speaker 3: this person that may or may not even be true.

795
00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:14,400
Speaker 4: You can also tell him, I mean you can also like,

796
00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:16,920
Speaker 4: this is what I love about getting like dating when

797
00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:20,680
Speaker 4: you're older is like you can also say the things

798
00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:22,839
Speaker 4: early on where I feel like, when you're young, you're

799
00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:25,480
Speaker 4: so afraid of saying a wrong thing that is like

800
00:39:25,560 --> 00:39:27,319
Speaker 4: gonna make somebody run. And then I feel like when

801
00:39:27,360 --> 00:39:29,080
Speaker 4: you get older, you're like, let me just say all

802
00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:32,120
Speaker 4: the things so like, and then you can decide what

803
00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:33,680
Speaker 4: you want to do, and I'll decide what I want

804
00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:36,600
Speaker 4: to do. And you can also be like I'm worried

805
00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:39,239
Speaker 4: about this, you know, or like here's a concern of

806
00:39:39,400 --> 00:39:41,799
Speaker 4: mine and just talking it through and who knows what

807
00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:42,919
Speaker 4: he'll say about it?

808
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:45,839
Speaker 1: And moreover, what makes you think that they are our friends?

809
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:49,360
Speaker 8: I kind of am not wired for workplace flirtations anymore.

810
00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:52,680
Speaker 8: No shit, I've definitely bumbled through those a little bit.

811
00:39:52,840 --> 00:39:54,520
Speaker 5: I And anytime I was like, okay, you know, I

812
00:39:54,560 --> 00:39:56,319
Speaker 5: can work it in there, he's just like so dead

813
00:39:56,360 --> 00:39:59,239
Speaker 5: pan like about what's going on in our company. And

814
00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:01,160
Speaker 5: then I'm just like, Okay, well now it's not the

815
00:40:01,239 --> 00:40:04,600
Speaker 5: time for this kind of thing. And then just the

816
00:40:04,600 --> 00:40:09,799
Speaker 5: way that he speaks about my colleagues is kind of

817
00:40:09,840 --> 00:40:13,640
Speaker 5: what's hinting that there's really maybe not the best interaction there.

818
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:16,320
Speaker 5: It's kind of just a we work in the same environment.

819
00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:18,520
Speaker 5: I'm going to keep the peace kind of thing. But

820
00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:20,120
Speaker 5: I also have to be very careful what I say

821
00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:22,799
Speaker 5: about that, because again I don't know him very well,

822
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:24,920
Speaker 5: so maybe he's going to say what I've been saying

823
00:40:24,960 --> 00:40:25,719
Speaker 5: back to these people.

824
00:40:25,719 --> 00:40:27,839
Speaker 3: Oh my god, oh my god, we have to ex

825
00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:29,400
Speaker 3: give you. You have to put your head in a

826
00:40:29,440 --> 00:40:32,960
Speaker 3: shampoo bowl and wash all of this garbage out. You

827
00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:36,080
Speaker 3: are just running around in circles in your head. You

828
00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:39,400
Speaker 3: like this guy, he likes you. Forget everything else you do.

829
00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:42,000
Speaker 3: Not even work together. First of all, I'm not against

830
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:45,080
Speaker 3: that either workplace romance. It's like where adults supposed to meet,

831
00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:46,799
Speaker 3: they work together. That's where happened for me.

832
00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:49,160
Speaker 1: So that's silly. That's a silly rule.

833
00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:51,319
Speaker 3: And like all these rules you have are just kind

834
00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:54,080
Speaker 3: of like you have to work very hard at stripping

835
00:40:54,120 --> 00:40:56,040
Speaker 3: away all of this noise, and that's going to be

836
00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:58,000
Speaker 3: a practice for you, but you can do it.

837
00:40:58,520 --> 00:41:00,279
Speaker 6: I think you should just go ask him out, because

838
00:41:00,320 --> 00:41:02,640
Speaker 6: he's made it clear you don't want to like let

839
00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:04,840
Speaker 6: it go too long, and then he's like feeling like he's.

840
00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:07,080
Speaker 1: Send him send him an email. Go just listen. It

841
00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:09,560
Speaker 1: seems to like to me that you're being very flirtatious.

842
00:41:09,640 --> 00:41:11,160
Speaker 3: If you want to ask me on a date, let

843
00:41:11,239 --> 00:41:14,560
Speaker 3: me know and I can respond very straightforward.

844
00:41:14,600 --> 00:41:17,480
Speaker 8: I go to work on that, yeah.

845
00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:19,040
Speaker 4: Or just be like, do you want to get a

846
00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:20,720
Speaker 4: drink after work or something?

847
00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:22,879
Speaker 8: I finished work at eleven, He's done a five point

848
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:25,360
Speaker 8: thirty like pm PM.

849
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:28,839
Speaker 3: Okay, Well, would you be comfortable writing an email like that?

850
00:41:29,239 --> 00:41:30,680
Speaker 3: I mean, I know you wouldn't be, but would you

851
00:41:30,719 --> 00:41:31,040
Speaker 3: do it?

852
00:41:31,360 --> 00:41:35,319
Speaker 5: I'm definitely better like writing than I asked initially. I'm

853
00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:38,640
Speaker 5: better at interacting with people with words using like email,

854
00:41:38,719 --> 00:41:40,920
Speaker 5: and then I can once because he hasn't really had

855
00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:43,080
Speaker 5: a chance to see my personality yet, because I've been

856
00:41:43,120 --> 00:41:46,239
Speaker 5: so like, I have this professional face I have to

857
00:41:46,239 --> 00:41:48,640
Speaker 5: put on, so I haven't really been able to show

858
00:41:48,719 --> 00:41:52,879
Speaker 5: my funny side or like the actual me side, which

859
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:53,479
Speaker 5: is and all.

860
00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:55,160
Speaker 1: The voices in your head. You haven't been able to

861
00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:55,879
Speaker 1: show him that either.

862
00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:58,040
Speaker 8: I know they're just there. You know, they never take

863
00:41:58,040 --> 00:41:58,480
Speaker 8: a vacation.

864
00:41:59,160 --> 00:42:01,160
Speaker 3: Well, I think you should send him an email and

865
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:02,399
Speaker 3: just put it out there.

866
00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:03,359
Speaker 1: Put it out there.

867
00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:05,920
Speaker 3: You're going to get the response that you want, and

868
00:42:05,960 --> 00:42:08,120
Speaker 3: then you can start dealing with all of these other

869
00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:11,759
Speaker 3: issues that you're creating or let them fall away as

870
00:42:11,800 --> 00:42:13,759
Speaker 3: you start to get to know him, and then you

871
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:15,480
Speaker 3: can get to know if he's like that or if

872
00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:18,160
Speaker 3: he's like your friend. I'm still confused as to why

873
00:42:18,239 --> 00:42:21,120
Speaker 3: you think that. I don't think you really answered that question,

874
00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:23,120
Speaker 3: Like why do you think this guy that you have

875
00:42:23,160 --> 00:42:26,000
Speaker 3: a crush on is friends with your work colleague?

876
00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:30,400
Speaker 8: Because they all they've all mentioned him before in some context.

877
00:42:30,520 --> 00:42:33,680
Speaker 5: They're having these interactions that aren't work related. So I

878
00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:35,840
Speaker 5: just I kind of just have to assume that maybe

879
00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:39,279
Speaker 5: there's a friendly interaction outside of the workplace as well,

880
00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:40,440
Speaker 5: because I don't a.

881
00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:42,480
Speaker 1: Lot of assumptions, a lot of assumptions.

882
00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:45,640
Speaker 4: I think it's like go see like see each other outside,

883
00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:48,719
Speaker 4: see what the because also you might not even it's

884
00:42:48,719 --> 00:42:51,400
Speaker 4: like him, You might not even like him, you know,

885
00:42:51,719 --> 00:42:53,440
Speaker 4: or he might be the love of your life. You

886
00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:54,799
Speaker 4: don't know, but you got to get out of that

887
00:42:54,840 --> 00:42:55,440
Speaker 4: office to know.

888
00:42:55,840 --> 00:42:59,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, listen, you have one life to live one okay,

889
00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:02,600
Speaker 3: so make it fucking count and work in your best interest.

890
00:43:02,640 --> 00:43:04,879
Speaker 3: No one is going to find love for you. You

891
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:06,080
Speaker 3: have to find it for you.

892
00:43:06,360 --> 00:43:08,880
Speaker 8: Well, they're trying, they're trying. They're failing, but they're trying.

893
00:43:09,239 --> 00:43:13,200
Speaker 8: Who's day, my friends, they're invested in my love life.

894
00:43:13,239 --> 00:43:15,000
Speaker 1: That's great. I'm glad they're invested.

895
00:43:15,040 --> 00:43:17,680
Speaker 3: But you can't rely on other people to find you

896
00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:20,080
Speaker 3: have the person here. So just don't you need to

897
00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:22,360
Speaker 3: go and send that email and I need you to

898
00:43:22,400 --> 00:43:25,719
Speaker 3: report back to us also, of course, let us know

899
00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:26,280
Speaker 3: what happens.

900
00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:27,920
Speaker 8: Okay, Well, absolutely, thank you.

901
00:43:28,000 --> 00:43:30,440
Speaker 4: Very Also, congrats on having a crush. A crush is

902
00:43:30,440 --> 00:43:31,080
Speaker 4: so fun.

903
00:43:31,560 --> 00:43:33,520
Speaker 8: At the beginning, not now.

904
00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:36,400
Speaker 3: Yeah, well you could extend, but you can extend the crush,

905
00:43:36,440 --> 00:43:38,600
Speaker 3: I mean, the flirtation can keep going and going and

906
00:43:38,600 --> 00:43:41,279
Speaker 3: going until you go out, and even then, it's just

907
00:43:41,280 --> 00:43:44,960
Speaker 3: so fun, you know, flirting back and forth, especially over email,

908
00:43:44,960 --> 00:43:45,800
Speaker 3: that's my favorite.

909
00:43:46,120 --> 00:43:49,360
Speaker 5: Yeah, I just wish it wasn't in a public space

910
00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:50,560
Speaker 5: that people.

911
00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:51,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, you wish a lot of things.

912
00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:52,560
Speaker 4: I know I do.

913
00:43:53,360 --> 00:43:55,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, all right, keep ust posted.

914
00:43:57,760 --> 00:43:59,040
Speaker 4: Bye bye.

915
00:44:00,120 --> 00:44:01,560
Speaker 1: They're going to get married and have lots of.

916
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:02,440
Speaker 2: Of course they are.

917
00:44:02,480 --> 00:44:04,760
Speaker 4: Of course, I really want to find out what happens.

918
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:07,000
Speaker 6: We will definitely check back in with her in a

919
00:44:07,040 --> 00:44:08,200
Speaker 6: couple of weeks and see what happened.

920
00:44:08,239 --> 00:44:10,080
Speaker 2: What was her name, Catherine?

921
00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:12,799
Speaker 6: She's a Katherine Elizabeth, just like oh and spelled all

922
00:44:12,840 --> 00:44:15,640
Speaker 6: the right ways. Well, we have one more question, but

923
00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:17,279
Speaker 6: we could take our little break and then come back.

924
00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:18,200
Speaker 2: It's a gesy one.

925
00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:25,800
Speaker 3: Okay, we'll be right back with Ari Greener. We're back

926
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:27,440
Speaker 3: to we have one more question.

927
00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:29,320
Speaker 1: We have one more caller question.

928
00:44:29,520 --> 00:44:30,960
Speaker 4: Yes, this is so fun.

929
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:32,800
Speaker 1: I love it.

930
00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:35,840
Speaker 3: It's the dream, especially when it's real. It's like sometimes

931
00:44:35,840 --> 00:44:37,480
Speaker 3: we get some questions and I'm like, what the fuck

932
00:44:37,520 --> 00:44:40,680
Speaker 3: are they asking me that for? Like, you know, but

933
00:44:40,840 --> 00:44:45,360
Speaker 3: some questions. I love interpersonal affairs. I love like breaking

934
00:44:45,440 --> 00:44:48,400
Speaker 3: up or getting the finding a crush. That was one

935
00:44:48,440 --> 00:44:50,279
Speaker 3: of my favorite topics. Like that will be.

936
00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:53,120
Speaker 4: What to do about a crush?

937
00:44:53,360 --> 00:44:54,520
Speaker 2: More crush questions?

938
00:44:54,840 --> 00:44:56,520
Speaker 4: Yes, my favorite.

939
00:44:56,719 --> 00:45:00,920
Speaker 6: Well, this question comes from Sarah Dear Chelsea. About a

940
00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:03,160
Speaker 6: year ago, my husband and I went away for a

941
00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:05,439
Speaker 6: few nights. My mother in law stayed at our house

942
00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:07,719
Speaker 6: to watch our small children sleeping in our bed to

943
00:45:07,719 --> 00:45:11,080
Speaker 6: stay close to the baby. When I returned, I noticed

944
00:45:11,080 --> 00:45:13,879
Speaker 6: that my journal, which I keep in my nightstand, had

945
00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:17,160
Speaker 6: obviously been tampered with. The strap was in a different

946
00:45:17,160 --> 00:45:20,000
Speaker 6: place than usual, my worksheets from therapy were not where

947
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:24,080
Speaker 6: I left them, etc. It was totally shaken. My husband

948
00:45:24,080 --> 00:45:25,959
Speaker 6: handled it and addressed it with my mother in law.

949
00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:28,759
Speaker 6: She denied reading it and said she didn't touch it.

950
00:45:29,280 --> 00:45:32,080
Speaker 6: I had postpartum depression with my second child as well

951
00:45:32,080 --> 00:45:34,200
Speaker 6: as a recent rocky patch with my husband where I

952
00:45:34,239 --> 00:45:36,200
Speaker 6: relied heavily on my journal to process.

953
00:45:36,440 --> 00:45:36,800
Speaker 8: Oh.

954
00:45:36,840 --> 00:45:38,560
Speaker 6: It makes me sick to my stomach to think of

955
00:45:38,600 --> 00:45:41,560
Speaker 6: my mother in law reading my most intimate thoughts I

956
00:45:41,640 --> 00:45:44,240
Speaker 6: used to enjoy looking back on previous years and memories

957
00:45:44,280 --> 00:45:46,759
Speaker 6: I've written about. Every year, I write a letter to

958
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:49,319
Speaker 6: my children on their birthday. I never knew if I

959
00:45:49,360 --> 00:45:51,080
Speaker 6: was going to give these to them, but it was

960
00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:53,920
Speaker 6: my most intimate thoughts about motherhood and reflecting on each

961
00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:56,600
Speaker 6: year with them. These letters were for me alone and

962
00:45:56,680 --> 00:45:59,560
Speaker 6: possibly one day my children. It makes me very upset

963
00:45:59,560 --> 00:46:01,920
Speaker 6: thinking she read something that was supposed to be between

964
00:46:01,920 --> 00:46:05,000
Speaker 6: me and my daughters. I've come to terms with her denial,

965
00:46:05,080 --> 00:46:07,440
Speaker 6: and I don't believe I will ever fully know the truth.

966
00:46:07,760 --> 00:46:10,040
Speaker 6: How do I continue to use journaling as part of

967
00:46:10,040 --> 00:46:13,400
Speaker 6: my toolbox and staying regulated and well. I wrote in

968
00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:16,480
Speaker 6: this journal every day for four years, and since that event,

969
00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:18,799
Speaker 6: I haven't been able to pick it up again. I

970
00:46:18,840 --> 00:46:20,680
Speaker 6: really loved this part of my day and it helped

971
00:46:20,680 --> 00:46:22,839
Speaker 6: my mental health in a big way. It doesn't feel

972
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:25,279
Speaker 6: like a safe place anymore. Looking back on past years

973
00:46:25,280 --> 00:46:27,720
Speaker 6: now makes me angry thinking of her reading those thoughts.

974
00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:30,520
Speaker 6: I tried to buy a brand new journal and start fresh,

975
00:46:30,560 --> 00:46:33,080
Speaker 6: but I still have a mental block and can't move forward.

976
00:46:33,480 --> 00:46:35,080
Speaker 6: Is there any way I can get past this and

977
00:46:35,120 --> 00:46:37,160
Speaker 6: start using this coping skill that helped me through some

978
00:46:37,239 --> 00:46:37,960
Speaker 6: dark times?

979
00:46:38,160 --> 00:46:40,359
Speaker 2: Sarah?

980
00:46:40,640 --> 00:46:43,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely. First of all, you have to start journaling again.

981
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:45,960
Speaker 3: This is not your issue. This is your mother in

982
00:46:46,040 --> 00:46:49,080
Speaker 3: law's issue. She opened your book. You cannot control her.

983
00:46:49,320 --> 00:46:52,719
Speaker 3: She opened your journal. She invaded your privacy, so it

984
00:46:52,800 --> 00:46:54,640
Speaker 3: is up to you to take your power back. I

985
00:46:54,640 --> 00:46:57,160
Speaker 3: can guarantee you she's not going to do it again

986
00:46:57,640 --> 00:47:00,360
Speaker 3: after she she's been called out. But you have to

987
00:47:00,360 --> 00:47:03,080
Speaker 3: get a new journal and just start practicing this is

988
00:47:03,080 --> 00:47:05,840
Speaker 3: something that is giving you such relief and such comfort

989
00:47:06,080 --> 00:47:08,239
Speaker 3: that you can go to this place and write in

990
00:47:08,280 --> 00:47:10,880
Speaker 3: your journal each night and write this beautiful letter to

991
00:47:10,920 --> 00:47:12,440
Speaker 3: your daughters each year on their birthdays.

992
00:47:12,560 --> 00:47:14,759
Speaker 1: That is such a beautiful thing to even hear.

993
00:47:15,320 --> 00:47:17,880
Speaker 3: Like, You've got to keep going and do not let

994
00:47:18,040 --> 00:47:24,799
Speaker 3: someone else's misstep create your own misstep. You know, you

995
00:47:24,960 --> 00:47:28,400
Speaker 3: keep going and do whatever you need to do, and

996
00:47:28,440 --> 00:47:30,520
Speaker 3: if it doesn't feel right the first couple times, keep

997
00:47:30,520 --> 00:47:30,920
Speaker 3: doing it.

998
00:47:31,360 --> 00:47:33,359
Speaker 1: Just keep writing into your journal until you get back

999
00:47:33,360 --> 00:47:34,240
Speaker 1: to your safe space.

1000
00:47:34,680 --> 00:47:38,600
Speaker 9: What do you think, Ari, Yeah, I mean, there's nothing

1001
00:47:38,640 --> 00:47:41,799
Speaker 9: more like that. That kind of writing has also been

1002
00:47:41,840 --> 00:47:45,640
Speaker 9: transformative for me. And you can't give that away to her.

1003
00:47:47,040 --> 00:47:50,880
Speaker 4: You can't give that power to her or to That's

1004
00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:56,200
Speaker 4: a that is something to reclaim for yourself. Absolutely, it's

1005
00:47:56,239 --> 00:48:00,000
Speaker 4: a beautiful, beautiful practice. I totally get what a hard

1006
00:48:00,000 --> 00:48:03,279
Speaker 4: marbal invasion that is and how hard that is, but

1007
00:48:03,320 --> 00:48:05,960
Speaker 4: I feel like it's it's like when you'll fall off

1008
00:48:05,960 --> 00:48:07,800
Speaker 4: a horse. Like when somebody falls off a horse and

1009
00:48:07,840 --> 00:48:09,839
Speaker 4: they're like, I just have to get back up there

1010
00:48:10,520 --> 00:48:12,600
Speaker 4: so that I'm not afraid to ever do it again.

1011
00:48:12,680 --> 00:48:15,480
Speaker 4: It's like even if the writing in the beginning is

1012
00:48:15,560 --> 00:48:18,759
Speaker 4: like I hate this, this feels wrong. I don't want

1013
00:48:18,800 --> 00:48:22,319
Speaker 4: to do this, like just writing the honesty through it

1014
00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:26,200
Speaker 4: to get to the upper side, because that's for you. You

1015
00:48:25,920 --> 00:48:26,600
Speaker 4: got to keep that.

1016
00:48:27,080 --> 00:48:29,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, girl, don't let your mother in law take you down.

1017
00:48:29,960 --> 00:48:31,680
Speaker 6: And I wonder too, if there's like a way to

1018
00:48:31,800 --> 00:48:34,520
Speaker 6: upend it and like create a different ritual around it,

1019
00:48:34,640 --> 00:48:37,000
Speaker 6: like doing it at a different time of day than

1020
00:48:37,040 --> 00:48:38,880
Speaker 6: you used to it, doing it in a different place

1021
00:48:38,920 --> 00:48:40,600
Speaker 6: like maybe used to write in bed, go to a

1022
00:48:40,600 --> 00:48:43,680
Speaker 6: cozy chair, like really changing your ritual around it. Maybe

1023
00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:47,240
Speaker 6: it's like saging your journal, like do something that creates

1024
00:48:47,280 --> 00:48:49,880
Speaker 6: a different energy around it. And then yes, like start

1025
00:48:49,920 --> 00:48:52,160
Speaker 6: with where you're at, like I'm angry that this happened.

1026
00:48:52,160 --> 00:48:53,480
Speaker 6: I'm upset that this happened.

1027
00:48:53,840 --> 00:48:55,960
Speaker 3: But you just also you have to realize you're holding

1028
00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:59,440
Speaker 3: onto these emotions that are not your fault. These are

1029
00:48:59,560 --> 00:49:02,360
Speaker 3: hurt These are her issues, not your issues. She was

1030
00:49:02,400 --> 00:49:06,520
Speaker 3: being nosy, she had no boundaries. That doesn't change who

1031
00:49:06,560 --> 00:49:10,160
Speaker 3: you are. You're choosing to allow her to disrupt this

1032
00:49:10,239 --> 00:49:14,440
Speaker 3: connection you had with yourself, and that's on you.

1033
00:49:14,440 --> 00:49:16,319
Speaker 1: You have to choose to move forward.

1034
00:49:16,040 --> 00:49:18,000
Speaker 3: And you have to choose to be like, I'm bigger

1035
00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:20,959
Speaker 3: than this and I'm going to get past this. And yes,

1036
00:49:21,040 --> 00:49:23,239
Speaker 3: I understand you're upset, but don't let her take your

1037
00:49:23,280 --> 00:49:23,880
Speaker 3: power away.

1038
00:49:24,560 --> 00:49:27,480
Speaker 4: I also wonder if there's a way of like writing

1039
00:49:27,640 --> 00:49:29,920
Speaker 4: a letter to her that you have no intention of

1040
00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:35,160
Speaker 4: ever giving, but just of a reprocessing of saying all

1041
00:49:35,200 --> 00:49:38,279
Speaker 4: the things out loud about you know, out loud via

1042
00:49:38,320 --> 00:49:41,960
Speaker 4: writing about how that made you feel like that, just

1043
00:49:42,920 --> 00:49:45,960
Speaker 4: to get that out, just to keep working through that too,

1044
00:49:46,080 --> 00:49:48,920
Speaker 4: to sort of anything that's left over in the mind

1045
00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:51,840
Speaker 4: of like you made me never want to do this again.

1046
00:49:52,400 --> 00:49:55,319
Speaker 4: My trust is gone, you know, whatever that is that

1047
00:49:55,360 --> 00:49:58,000
Speaker 4: you'll never ever give to her, but just as a

1048
00:49:58,040 --> 00:50:01,960
Speaker 4: way of also get that part of your feeling out.

1049
00:50:01,840 --> 00:50:03,839
Speaker 2: Of your brain and then put that letter in your

1050
00:50:03,880 --> 00:50:04,920
Speaker 2: journal and she'll read it.

1051
00:50:07,840 --> 00:50:10,600
Speaker 3: Thank you, Ari Grainer, Thank you so much for being

1052
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:11,080
Speaker 3: here today.

1053
00:50:11,200 --> 00:50:11,800
Speaker 1: What a delight.

1054
00:50:12,080 --> 00:50:14,160
Speaker 4: Thank you so much for having me. This was like

1055
00:50:14,560 --> 00:50:17,759
Speaker 4: such a joy. I love you and I'm like just

1056
00:50:17,800 --> 00:50:19,520
Speaker 4: so happy I got to be here. Yeah.

1057
00:50:19,520 --> 00:50:20,600
Speaker 1: I hope I see you soon.

1058
00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:23,800
Speaker 4: You too. Okay, you're back at Jenny and Jason's. Okay,

1059
00:50:23,840 --> 00:50:24,600
Speaker 4: bye you guys.

1060
00:50:24,760 --> 00:50:28,240
Speaker 1: Bye byeks. Do do do do do.

1061
00:50:28,040 --> 00:50:34,440
Speaker 3: Do drum roll, Catherine, please, Chelsea Handler Abroad. Abroad is

1062
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:38,719
Speaker 3: my European tour, which I just announced yesterday. Tickets go

1063
00:50:38,840 --> 00:50:42,439
Speaker 3: on sale tomorrow or today or there's a pre sale

1064
00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:47,280
Speaker 3: code Chelsea. So I'm coming to obviously find.

1065
00:50:47,120 --> 00:50:47,920
Speaker 1: A husband abroad.

1066
00:50:48,360 --> 00:50:51,480
Speaker 3: I need to get the health out of this fucking country.

1067
00:50:52,040 --> 00:50:54,879
Speaker 3: And it's not as easy as you think. So I'm

1068
00:50:54,880 --> 00:50:58,560
Speaker 3: coming to Rekuvic, I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to

1069
00:50:58,960 --> 00:51:04,200
Speaker 3: the UK, coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast in May and June.

1070
00:51:04,239 --> 00:51:09,400
Speaker 3: I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow,

1071
00:51:10,040 --> 00:51:14,800
Speaker 3: New Zurich, Vienna. I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin,

1072
00:51:15,040 --> 00:51:16,520
Speaker 3: Barcelona and Lisbon.

1073
00:51:17,400 --> 00:51:20,520
Speaker 1: I'm coming abroad is abroad that.

1074
00:51:20,520 --> 00:51:22,240
Speaker 2: Sounds like fun. I'm gonna go see you abroad.

1075
00:51:22,640 --> 00:51:24,560
Speaker 3: I I know I want to go see me abroad

1076
00:51:24,680 --> 00:51:29,840
Speaker 3: and there all be there, All be okay, all Upcoming

1077
00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:34,279
Speaker 3: Vegas dates March twenty first, April eighteenth, July fifth, August thirtieth,

1078
00:51:34,360 --> 00:51:38,600
Speaker 3: November one and twenty ninth at the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas.

1079
00:51:39,040 --> 00:51:40,840
Speaker 1: My book tour. I'll have what she's having.

1080
00:51:40,920 --> 00:51:44,840
Speaker 3: Means I am doing book events only book events Northvale,

1081
00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:48,040
Speaker 3: New Jersey, on February twenty fourth, February twenty fifth at

1082
00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:51,799
Speaker 3: the ninety second Street Y, February twenty sixth, Brookline Booksmith,

1083
00:51:52,360 --> 00:51:56,200
Speaker 3: February twenty seventh, Cincinnati, Ohio, February twenty eighth at the

1084
00:51:56,360 --> 00:51:59,719
Speaker 3: h Foundation in Chicago, and Barnes and Noble at The

1085
00:51:59,719 --> 00:52:03,480
Speaker 3: Girl in Los Angeles on March first, and then Seattle,

1086
00:52:03,600 --> 00:52:06,160
Speaker 3: Washington on March third, Elliott.

1087
00:52:05,719 --> 00:52:07,560
Speaker 1: Bay and I'll see you guys all there.

1088
00:52:08,280 --> 00:52:10,640
Speaker 6: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email

1089
00:52:10,680 --> 00:52:13,520
Speaker 6: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be

1090
00:52:13,560 --> 00:52:16,600
Speaker 6: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited

1091
00:52:16,600 --> 00:52:20,239
Speaker 6: and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and

1092
00:52:20,320 --> 00:52:22,759
Speaker 6: be sure to check out our March at Chelseahandler dot

1093
00:52:22,800 --> 00:52:26,480
Speaker 6: com