Speaker 1: So there are some opportunities that you need to say
Speaker 1: yes to to accelerate your dreams, and there are some
Speaker 1: opportunities you need to say no to to accelerate your dreams.
Speaker 1: Saying no doesn't mean you're slowing down, and saying yes
Speaker 1: doesn't always mean you're speeding up. And so say yes
Speaker 1: when you get an opportunity to learn something, say yes
Speaker 1: when you get an opportunity to grow in a certain way,
Speaker 1: and say no when it doesn't sit with your values. Hey, Hey, hey, everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose. I am so happy, I
Speaker 1: am so grateful. I am so excited that you chose
Speaker 1: to be here with me right now, and that we
Speaker 1: get to spend this time together, invest this time together
Speaker 1: into bettering ourselves. If you're one of the millions of
Speaker 1: people that is dedicating every single week time, energy, presence,
Speaker 1: and attention to listen to On Purpose, or whether you're
Speaker 1: someone who just started listening today, I just want to
Speaker 1: take a moment to say how much I value you,
Speaker 1: how much I appreciate you, how grateful I am to you,
Speaker 1: and just what an incredible community we have. As I've
Speaker 1: been saying, I am so excited for the day I
Speaker 1: can go on tour with On Purpose, meet you all
Speaker 1: in person, give you all a big hug, and we
Speaker 1: could share that energy in one space. I'm going to
Speaker 1: be reading a few reviews from ones that I've been
Speaker 1: finding on Apple and Spotify, so if you haven't left
Speaker 1: a review, please do. It makes a huge different to
Speaker 1: the podcast. So here's one that I love. This is
Speaker 1: from Ashna. Hey, j, I love your podcast and I
Speaker 1: listen to it twice a week during my commute to
Speaker 1: work Mayashank is one of my favorite guest episodes because
Speaker 1: she seems so happy and filled with energy, and she
Speaker 1: has inspired me to continue to follow passion for psychology.
Speaker 1: That's awesome. I love hearing that. She goes on to say,
Speaker 1: I love your work. Jay. Listening to your podcast has
Speaker 1: helped me be a better person and peer for many people.
Speaker 1: I am able to show up and serve them with love, patience,
Speaker 1: and grace. I love that, Ashna, Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Now this one is from Dana. Wow. Jay, Each episode
Speaker 1: hits in a different way, but always exactly what I need.
Speaker 1: You're an absolute genius. I can't express enough how grateful
Speaker 1: I am for you serving your community with on Purpose.
Speaker 1: You have opened my eyes to many new concepts and
Speaker 1: reminded me of things I already knew but forgot along
Speaker 1: the way. This podcast is an essential part of my
Speaker 1: growth journey and has become a habit to listen to weekly.
Speaker 1: And you go on and on and it's beautiful. I
Speaker 1: feel so deeply grateful and touched by all of these messages.
Speaker 1: I'm scrolling through them right now and it's just truly,
Speaker 1: truly beautiful. So thank you so much. So when I'm
Speaker 1: thinking about what I want to share with you, I
Speaker 1: honestly sit down to reflect on what I think I've
Speaker 1: been going through this week, what stories I've heard from clients,
Speaker 1: from friends, from family, from people that I bump into,
Speaker 1: from events that I've been to, and I realize that
Speaker 1: confidence is a big issue because with insecurity anxiety, a
Speaker 1: lot of the challenges we experience are because we have
Speaker 1: a lack of confidence. And as someone who believes that
Speaker 1: confidence is a habit and a muscle that has to
Speaker 1: be constantly practiced and developed, I wanted to share with
Speaker 1: you this episode, which is going to introduce you to
Speaker 1: the seven habits that confident people possess and how they
Speaker 1: do things differently, and they also do things differently to
Speaker 1: how we perceive confidence. So there are going to be
Speaker 1: many moments in this episode where I think you're going
Speaker 1: to be surprised by what I say. There's going to
Speaker 1: be an insight that is to make you think again
Speaker 1: and make you start pause and reflect. And as I
Speaker 1: always say, I'm trying to help give you more insight,
Speaker 1: but also deeper insight. So this podcast is going to
Speaker 1: go deeply into confidence beyond the stereotype superficial advice we
Speaker 1: hear about how to be confident. In this episode, I'm
Speaker 1: going to take you a step deeper. Now. The first principle,
Speaker 1: which is so powerful and so important, is saying yes
Speaker 1: and then figuring it out. The thing I love about
Speaker 1: this principle is that when you say yes and then
Speaker 1: choose to figure it out, you've placed positive pressure on
Speaker 1: yourself to have to figure it out. Now, if you
Speaker 1: were asked to do something and you didn't know how
Speaker 1: to do it and you said no, what happens You
Speaker 1: lose the opportunity, but more importantly, you lose the opportunity
Speaker 1: need to learn. Now that you've said no, you don't
Speaker 1: have to grow. Now that you've said no, you don't
Speaker 1: have to learn. Now that you've said no, you have
Speaker 1: no need to follow up. That's it, end of the story.
Speaker 1: It's done. But when you say yes, you now have
Speaker 1: created that positive pressure to say, Okay, well how long
Speaker 1: do I have to learn this? Okay, I've got six weeks. Okay,
Speaker 1: let me make a plan, let me get focused, let
Speaker 1: me get activated, let me get scheduled, planned, organized. So
Speaker 1: not only have you gained an opportunity, you've gained the
Speaker 1: opportunity to develop skills. And it's so much more about
Speaker 1: the skills you developed than even the opportunity. Now, I
Speaker 1: was really fortunate. I came across this quote and idea
Speaker 1: from Richard Branson very early on in my life. I
Speaker 1: think I was around maybe fifteen or sixteen. I still
Speaker 1: remember reading this quote and he said, if somebody offers
Speaker 1: you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you
Speaker 1: can do it, say yes, then learn how to do
Speaker 1: it later. And that's exactly a trait of confident people.
Speaker 1: Why because the confidence isn't in I can do it.
Speaker 1: The confidences I'll find a way to learn how to
Speaker 1: do it. This isn't an arrogance or cockiness that I
Speaker 1: already know everything. Actually, it's an acceptance of what we
Speaker 1: don't know, but the hunger and the enthusiasm to learn. Now,
Speaker 1: this is such a beautiful story that comes out of
Speaker 1: Richard Branson's autobiography, Finding My Virginity, and I truly believe
Speaker 1: that this story is going to help a lot of
Speaker 1: us learn. So he remembers. Richard Branson remembers speaking to
Speaker 1: the chief financial officer at the time of the European
Speaker 1: carrier Virgin Express, and the chief financial officer decided to
Speaker 1: resign so he could move back to his home country
Speaker 1: of Australia with his wife and kids. Now, even though
Speaker 1: Richard Branson was saddened by this news, he understood, He
Speaker 1: got it that the chief financial officer's decision was to
Speaker 1: put his family first, and he respected that. But when
Speaker 1: they were having this phone call, and can you imagine
Speaker 1: being someone who's saying to Richard Branson, I think I'm
Speaker 1: just going to focus on my family. I'm going to
Speaker 1: move back to Australia. You know it's done. Imagine saying
Speaker 1: that in the first place. Well, before ending the call,
Speaker 1: Richard Branson said, if you want to do anything in Australia,
Speaker 1: let me know and we'll see what we can do.
Speaker 1: The chief financial officer, the Virgin employee, his name was
Speaker 1: Brett Godfrey, and he started to tell Richard Branson about
Speaker 1: his idea for a low cost airline in Australia. Now,
Speaker 1: Richard Branson says that he immediately liked the idea and
Speaker 1: he asked Godfrey to shoot over a more detailed plan
Speaker 1: for what would end up becoming Virgin Australia. Richard Branson
Speaker 1: said that Brett's plan was delivered to my door the
Speaker 1: next morning, and he says that he always liked people
Speaker 1: who moved fast, and then he goes on to say
Speaker 1: that he's probably said he has too many times in
Speaker 1: his life, but he doesn't regret a thing, and that
Speaker 1: saying yes can be a risk, but it's so worth it.
Speaker 1: It's so powerful, and he says life is a lot
Speaker 1: more fun when you say yes. It's amazing how that
Speaker 1: one little word can lead you on an incredible adventure.
Speaker 1: So confident people learn to say yes and then figure
Speaker 1: it out. I remember reading that statement from Richard Branson
Speaker 1: and then practicing that in my life, and I've seen
Speaker 1: again and again and again how I've learned so much
Speaker 1: more because of it. There are so many skills that
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have today had I said no, Whereas the
Speaker 1: positive pressure of learning a new skill is actually what
Speaker 1: gives me confidence. So people feel confident. This is something
Speaker 1: that you have. Confidence is the understanding where you appreciate
Speaker 1: and value your own abilities and qualities, and you only
Speaker 1: value your own abilities and qualities when you grow new ones,
Speaker 1: when you create new ones. So I really want you
Speaker 1: to think about this this week. Next time you get
Speaker 1: a new opportunity, I want you to say yes, and
Speaker 1: then I want you to figure out how to do it.
Speaker 1: I've done this time and time and time again, and
Speaker 1: it has helped me grow so many skills that I
Speaker 1: would never have had before. And so genuinely think about that.
Speaker 1: When you're asked to do something this week that you
Speaker 1: may not have done before, you may have done it before,
Speaker 1: do it in this way, so yes, I can do it.
Speaker 1: I can figure it out now. This second habit that
Speaker 1: confident people use is it's not just important to say yes,
Speaker 1: it's also important to say no when something is against
Speaker 1: your values. So we yes when something is an opportunity
Speaker 1: we're excited about, but you also learn to say no
Speaker 1: when something's against your values. People often say, oh, you'll
Speaker 1: be more confident if you say yes to everything. Well,
Speaker 1: often it doesn't. It brings about feelings of insecurity, of
Speaker 1: a lack of integrity. If you say yes to something
Speaker 1: that is it something you deeply want to learn or
Speaker 1: care about or interested in, or is actually against your values.
Speaker 1: If you say yes to something that's against your values,
Speaker 1: you're not going to feel confident, you're going to feel
Speaker 1: more insecure, You're going to feel less safe. So learning
Speaker 1: to say no when something is against your values is
Speaker 1: a really important habit. Now, for this, you need to
Speaker 1: know what your values are, right and confident people know
Speaker 1: what their values are. So how do you know what
Speaker 1: your values are? Your value is what you value when
Speaker 1: you're not at work, when you're not working, which is
Speaker 1: something we all have to do. What do you prioritize,
Speaker 1: what takes the top emptiness in your schedule? What's the
Speaker 1: first thing you think about on the weekend. That's what
Speaker 1: you value. Now you may look at that and say, well,
Speaker 1: I don't want to value that. I spend my day
Speaker 1: watching a sports game for four hours. I spend my
Speaker 1: day just lazing around with the family. I spend my
Speaker 1: day just sitting there aimlessly in front of a TV show, right, Like,
Speaker 1: if any of those are your answer, and you're thinking, Jay,
Speaker 1: that's not my value. I value so much more than that. Well,
Speaker 1: then what is it that you wish you were doing
Speaker 1: with your time? What is it that you would wish
Speaker 1: you were doing with your energy? Because that is what
Speaker 1: you value. And so what we do in our spare
Speaker 1: time is what we value, or what we want to
Speaker 1: do in our spare time is what we value. Now
Speaker 1: is array? In an interview with Time in December twenty sixteen,
Speaker 1: she said, there was a moment when I was scared
Speaker 1: to speak up. Everybody was behind this one decision, and
Speaker 1: I didn't want to rock the boat. Shonda Rhimes told
Speaker 1: me about a time in her life where if she
Speaker 1: hadn't spoken up, her trajectory would have been different. She
Speaker 1: didn't know she could get fired. That's what gave her
Speaker 1: the confidence. So I tried to operate with the same mentality. Now,
Speaker 1: what I love about this is saying no is not easy,
Speaker 1: but saying no protects every future. Yes, right, saying notice
Speaker 1: something that doesn't feel right, that doesn't feel like it's
Speaker 1: what you want to do. I remember a company that
Speaker 1: I was working with wanted me to become more political.
Speaker 1: They wanted me to focus on political issues, and I
Speaker 1: remember saying to them that I just didn't feel comfortable
Speaker 1: doing that because that wasn't my calling, that wasn't my purpose,
Speaker 1: that wasn't what was what I was gravitating towards. That's
Speaker 1: not what my life and work was about. That wasn't
Speaker 1: my goal. It's not that I believe that that isn't useful.
Speaker 1: It's not that I believe that that shouldn't be something
Speaker 1: that should be important. It's just that that wasn't what
Speaker 1: it was for me. So it was so important for
Speaker 1: me to say no to that. I've been asked to
Speaker 1: host so many TV shows, and whenever they come my way,
Speaker 1: if it isn't truly about something I deeply care about,
Speaker 1: I'll say no because I don't want to be on
Speaker 1: TV to be on TV. I want to create work
Speaker 1: that truly impacts people's lives and makes a difference and
Speaker 1: gives you all something to watch that is going to
Speaker 1: transform you. And that requires me to hold back on
Speaker 1: this desire that I have or dream that I have
Speaker 1: to get it right. So there are some opportunities that
Speaker 1: you need to say yes to to accelerate your dreams.
Speaker 1: And there are some opportunities you'd need to say no
Speaker 1: to to accelerate your dreams. Saying no doesn't mean you're
Speaker 1: slowing down, and saying yes doesn't always mean you're speeding up.
Speaker 1: And so say yes when you get an opportunity to
Speaker 1: learn something, say yes when you get an opportunity to
Speaker 1: grow in a certain way, and say no when it
Speaker 1: doesn't it with your values. This will develop confidence in yourself.
Speaker 1: That's ultimately what we're looking for. Confidence isn't about how
Speaker 1: much you have or what you've achieved. Confidence is about saying,
Speaker 1: I did what I really care about. I do what
Speaker 1: I believed in. I commit and stay loyal to who
Speaker 1: I am, and that is why I am confident right.
Speaker 1: Confidence doesn't come from an achievement. Confidence comes from achieving
Speaker 1: what you really want to achieve. There's a question that
Speaker 1: I often ask people I work with. Is your dream
Speaker 1: really your dream? Let me ask you, is your dream
Speaker 1: really your dream? Or is it your parents' dream? Or
Speaker 1: is it your partner's dream, your friend's dream. Chasing the
Speaker 1: dream that society gives you will leave you with anxiety.
Speaker 1: Let me said that again. Chasing the dream that society
Speaker 1: gives you will leave you with anxiety because it will
Speaker 1: never be successful enough. You will never feel smart enough,
Speaker 1: You'll never feel like you're right enough. And if someone
Speaker 1: is known for something they don't want to be known for,
Speaker 1: they will always feel unknown. If you become known for
Speaker 1: something you don't want to be known for, you will
Speaker 1: always feel unknown. I know so many people that have
Speaker 1: made such progress in an area of their life. Maybe
Speaker 1: they're an incredible entrepreneur, maybe they're incredible on social media,
Speaker 1: but they don't feel confident because they're not known for
Speaker 1: what they truly want to be known for. So I
Speaker 1: ask you that question. Whatever you're pursuing, is it aligned
Speaker 1: with who you want to be and where you want
Speaker 1: to go? That's the third principle. So Habit one will
Speaker 1: say yes, then figure it out. Habit two will say
Speaker 1: no when it's against your values. And Habit three is
Speaker 1: work in alignment with your dream, not anyone else's now.
Speaker 1: Step number four is that confident people focus on improvement,
Speaker 1: not perfection. We think of confident people as having it
Speaker 1: all figured out. We think of confident people as people
Speaker 1: who know exactly what they're doing. We think of confident
Speaker 1: people who focus on just crushing it and winning. But
Speaker 1: all confident people are focused on improvement, not perfection. They're
Speaker 1: focused on the improvement, not the arrival. There's so many
Speaker 1: stories about Kobe Bryant being in the gym two hours
Speaker 1: even before anyone else made it, there on the court,
Speaker 1: practicing before a game, doing real game moves, focused on improvement.
Speaker 1: There's so many stories of Cristiano Ronaldo, the soccer player
Speaker 1: who's at training three hours before anyone else today, he's
Speaker 1: like thirty six going on thirty seven, and he's still
Speaker 1: one of the best players in the world, and it's
Speaker 1: phenomenal to see how someone is constantly focused on improvement. See,
Speaker 1: the thing is, when you chase perfection, you can feel
Speaker 1: you've reached it, and that can create complacency, or you
Speaker 1: feel you never reach it and that creates overwhelmed. Or
Speaker 1: is when you focus on improvement, that's something you can
Speaker 1: always have and always measure. So so many people who
Speaker 1: focus on perfection, they either get complacent because they feel
Speaker 1: they've reached it and then they drop or they feel
Speaker 1: they never reach it, so they're constantly putting themselves under pressure.
Speaker 1: They're constantly criticizing themselves so you either get complacent or
Speaker 1: you get critical when you focus on perfection. But when
Speaker 1: you focus on improvement, you get enthusiasm, you get excitement,
Speaker 1: you get new experiences, you get the feeling of what
Speaker 1: it feels like to evolve. Focus on how you can
Speaker 1: improve anything where you don't feel confident right now, anywhere
Speaker 1: where you don't feel the best feel How can I improve?
Speaker 1: How can I get better? What can I learn? What
Speaker 1: can I grow? What do I need to build? I'll
Speaker 1: give you an example. You know, I've been creating videos
Speaker 1: now for roughly the last five years, and it's been
Speaker 1: an incredible journey. But I'm constantly trying to improve and
Speaker 1: grow what I do. We launched from videos, then went
Speaker 1: to the podcast. Then from the podcast, I wrote my book.
Speaker 1: We have my Genius membership and community, We have my
Speaker 1: online courses, we have my certification school. Rather than I
Speaker 1: launched our tea company, and I continue to iteratively want
Speaker 1: to improve. I promise you I've not been perfect at
Speaker 1: any one of these things, but I've always tried to
Speaker 1: be better. I've always tried to grow. If I can
Speaker 1: be one percent better every time I take a swing,
Speaker 1: that's going to have huge improvements. Because I'm going to
Speaker 1: keep swinging now. Step number five is going to be
Speaker 1: an interesting one for a lot of you. Talk less
Speaker 1: around unintelligent conversations. When you're in an unintelligent conversation, talk less.
Speaker 1: Notice how I'm not saying unintelligent people. Notice how I'm
Speaker 1: not saying you're unintelligent friends. And when I say unintelligent,
Speaker 1: I don't mean intellectually. I mean emotionally and spiritually. If
Speaker 1: I'm around a conversation that is based around gossip, if
Speaker 1: I'm around a conversation that is about criticism, if I'm
Speaker 1: in a conversation that is negative or toxic, I talk less.
Speaker 1: I don't try and correct people. I don't try and
Speaker 1: be the bigger person or be holier than thou. I
Speaker 1: don't try and preach to anyone. And remain silent. It's
Speaker 1: such an important quality. There's an amazing quote by Abraham
Speaker 1: Lincoln and it says better to remain silent and be
Speaker 1: thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
Speaker 1: And I love that. And you may be saying, Jay,
Speaker 1: but I have important things to say. I want to
Speaker 1: teach people. I want to tell to stop being negative. Well,
Speaker 1: sometimes the smartest thing to do is to be silent
Speaker 1: because they may not want to hear it at that
Speaker 1: time or from you. I'm not saying we have to
Speaker 1: be silent if someone's talking bad about our friend or
Speaker 1: someone you care about, but I'm saying that often we're
Speaker 1: just in a conversation that's negatively talking about someone that
Speaker 1: we don't even know and that no one knows in
Speaker 1: that group, or we maybe just complaining about something. In
Speaker 1: that scenario, being silent saves you a lot of stress
Speaker 1: and saves you a lot of hassle as opposed to
Speaker 1: getting stuck in and getting involved. Now in the opposite scenario,
Speaker 1: listen to this. When you're around intelligent conversations, ask more questions.
Speaker 1: So during unintelligent conversations, we usually feel like joining in
Speaker 1: makes us feel like we belong, makes us feel like
Speaker 1: we are adding to the conversation, makes us bond over
Speaker 1: negative things. But here's the interesting thing. Can you ever
Speaker 1: bond over something negative unless it's something negative that you
Speaker 1: went through and got over with someone? But can you
Speaker 1: bond over doing bad to others? I'm sure you can,
Speaker 1: But is that the kind of bond we want? Do
Speaker 1: we want to bond with others to be based on gossip.
Speaker 1: Do we want to bond with others to be based
Speaker 1: on criticism? No, because guess what if you sit there
Speaker 1: and criticize people with people, guaranteed people criticize you around people. Right.
Speaker 1: If you criticize people with people, that means people criticize
Speaker 1: you with other people. That's a position we don't want
Speaker 1: to be in. Now. If you're in an intelligent conversation,
Speaker 1: often the pull or the draw is let me say
Speaker 1: intelligent things. Let me come up with cool ideas, so
Speaker 1: that everyone sees how smart I am and looks at
Speaker 1: how much I have to offer. But truly, asking questions
Speaker 1: is what helps us grow the most. It's one of
Speaker 1: the reasons why on this podcast, when I'm sitting down
Speaker 1: with a guest, I do very little speaking, and there
Speaker 1: are some really powerful questions you can ask other people
Speaker 1: and you want to grow prepared. I have this book
Speaker 1: by Gregory Stock, PhD, called The Book of Questions. Now,
Speaker 1: of course, the question depends on your level of relationship
Speaker 1: with someone, but this is one of my favorite questions,
Speaker 1: especially when I'm getting to know someone better. Do you
Speaker 1: work harder to earn praise and recognition or to avoid criticism?
Speaker 1: Such a fascinating question. Do you work harder to earn
Speaker 1: praise and recognition or to avoid criticism? Right? Another question
Speaker 1: that I absolutely love is a question that I remember
Speaker 1: Will Smith mentioning to me. That is Sun once asked
Speaker 1: him Trey, the question is what do you worship? I
Speaker 1: think this is such a beautiful question. What do you worship? Nor?
Speaker 1: What do you value? What do you worship? What do
Speaker 1: you obsess over? What are you devoted to? It's a
Speaker 1: fascinating question. Now, of course you want to make your
Speaker 1: questions are based on the type of conversation you're having.
Speaker 1: But you don't have to ask a question knowing about
Speaker 1: what's being spoken about. Your question is something that you
Speaker 1: prepare beforehand to be around that theme. If you're at
Speaker 1: a conference, if you're in a meeting, if you're in
Speaker 1: a group of people, ask a question. Not only will
Speaker 1: you become smarter, you will also be perceived as smarter
Speaker 1: because you're taking interest in You're being curious. See, smarts
Speaker 1: are not only shown through intellect and knowledge. Smarts are
Speaker 1: also shown through curiosity and intrigue. And I think we
Speaker 1: need to broaden our understanding of what it truly means
Speaker 1: to be a smart individual. The final thing I want
Speaker 1: to share with you is this beautiful quote from Eleanor Roosevelt,
Speaker 1: where she said, great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events.
Speaker 1: Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt said, great minds discuss ideas.
Speaker 1: Average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people. What are
Speaker 1: you discussing If you want to be confident, discuss ideas.
Speaker 1: If you want to be confident, discuss routines, practices, habits.
Speaker 1: If you want to be confident, discuss your vulnerabilities. You
Speaker 1: don't become more confident by discussing your successes. You don't
Speaker 1: become more confident by discussing your achievements. You become more
Speaker 1: confident by talking about and working through your vulnerabilities. Notice
Speaker 1: how counterintuitive that is, but how powerful and how important
Speaker 1: that is. That's what makes us more competent and strong
Speaker 1: is being able to discuss our flaws, our challenges in
Speaker 1: a healthy, productive, effective way. So let us not waste
Speaker 1: our time just talking about events and people. Let us
Speaker 1: talk about ideas and see our confidence grow. I want
Speaker 1: to thank you for listen, listening, for trusting me with
Speaker 1: your time and energy. I want to thank you for
Speaker 1: sharing this podcast from your stories, I see each and
Speaker 1: every one of you posting. I'm always trying to share
Speaker 1: as many as i can, and I really hope that
Speaker 1: you feel more confident this week by taking more pride,
Speaker 1: more gratitude, and more appreciation in your abilities and qualities
Speaker 1: and watch how your life changes. Thanks for listening to
Speaker 1: On Purpose. I'll see you next week