WEBVTT - 7 Things Confident People Do Differently & How to Build the Habits in Your Life 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:02.440 So there are some opportunities that you need to say 0:00:02.520 --> 0:00:05.680 yes to to accelerate your dreams, and there are some 0:00:05.720 --> 0:00:09.640 opportunities you need to say no to to accelerate your dreams. 0:00:10.039 --> 0:00:13.960 Saying no doesn't mean you're slowing down, and saying yes 0:00:14.600 --> 0:00:17.760 doesn't always mean you're speeding up. And so say yes 0:00:17.800 --> 0:00:21.000 when you get an opportunity to learn something, say yes 0:00:21.040 --> 0:00:24.479 when you get an opportunity to grow in a certain way, 0:00:24.880 --> 0:00:35.880 and say no when it doesn't sit with your values. Hey, Hey, hey, everyone, 0:00:36.040 --> 0:00:41.080 welcome back to On Purpose. I am so happy, I 0:00:41.120 --> 0:00:45.600 am so grateful. I am so excited that you chose 0:00:45.640 --> 0:00:48.159 to be here with me right now, and that we 0:00:48.240 --> 0:00:52.360 get to spend this time together, invest this time together 0:00:52.720 --> 0:00:57.400 into bettering ourselves. If you're one of the millions of 0:00:57.440 --> 0:01:02.680 people that is dedicating every single week time, energy, presence, 0:01:02.720 --> 0:01:06.479 and attention to listen to On Purpose, or whether you're 0:01:06.520 --> 0:01:09.600 someone who just started listening today, I just want to 0:01:09.640 --> 0:01:11.479 take a moment to say how much I value you, 0:01:11.760 --> 0:01:14.759 how much I appreciate you, how grateful I am to you, 0:01:15.160 --> 0:01:17.959 and just what an incredible community we have. As I've 0:01:18.000 --> 0:01:20.560 been saying, I am so excited for the day I 0:01:20.560 --> 0:01:23.200 can go on tour with On Purpose, meet you all 0:01:23.240 --> 0:01:25.560 in person, give you all a big hug, and we 0:01:25.600 --> 0:01:28.160 could share that energy in one space. I'm going to 0:01:28.240 --> 0:01:31.400 be reading a few reviews from ones that I've been 0:01:31.440 --> 0:01:34.760 finding on Apple and Spotify, so if you haven't left 0:01:34.760 --> 0:01:37.480 a review, please do. It makes a huge different to 0:01:37.520 --> 0:01:41.840 the podcast. So here's one that I love. This is 0:01:42.000 --> 0:01:45.080 from Ashna. Hey, j, I love your podcast and I 0:01:45.200 --> 0:01:47.360 listen to it twice a week during my commute to 0:01:47.400 --> 0:01:50.840 work Mayashank is one of my favorite guest episodes because 0:01:51.080 --> 0:01:53.600 she seems so happy and filled with energy, and she 0:01:53.680 --> 0:01:56.840 has inspired me to continue to follow passion for psychology. 0:01:56.920 --> 0:01:59.840 That's awesome. I love hearing that. She goes on to say, 0:01:59.840 --> 0:02:02.560 I love your work. Jay. Listening to your podcast has 0:02:02.600 --> 0:02:06.720 helped me be a better person and peer for many people. 0:02:07.160 --> 0:02:10.240 I am able to show up and serve them with love, patience, 0:02:10.320 --> 0:02:13.680 and grace. I love that, Ashna, Thank you so much. 0:02:14.160 --> 0:02:19.480 Now this one is from Dana. Wow. Jay, Each episode 0:02:19.560 --> 0:02:22.919 hits in a different way, but always exactly what I need. 0:02:23.120 --> 0:02:25.920 You're an absolute genius. I can't express enough how grateful 0:02:25.960 --> 0:02:28.959 I am for you serving your community with on Purpose. 0:02:29.360 --> 0:02:31.960 You have opened my eyes to many new concepts and 0:02:32.080 --> 0:02:35.520 reminded me of things I already knew but forgot along 0:02:35.560 --> 0:02:38.760 the way. This podcast is an essential part of my 0:02:38.840 --> 0:02:42.160 growth journey and has become a habit to listen to weekly. 0:02:42.480 --> 0:02:44.720 And you go on and on and it's beautiful. I 0:02:44.760 --> 0:02:50.560 feel so deeply grateful and touched by all of these messages. 0:02:50.600 --> 0:02:54.240 I'm scrolling through them right now and it's just truly, 0:02:54.240 --> 0:02:59.119 truly beautiful. So thank you so much. So when I'm 0:02:59.160 --> 0:03:02.040 thinking about what I want to share with you, I 0:03:02.120 --> 0:03:05.680 honestly sit down to reflect on what I think I've 0:03:05.720 --> 0:03:10.640 been going through this week, what stories I've heard from clients, 0:03:10.680 --> 0:03:13.480 from friends, from family, from people that I bump into, 0:03:13.560 --> 0:03:17.840 from events that I've been to, and I realize that 0:03:18.000 --> 0:03:23.640 confidence is a big issue because with insecurity anxiety, a 0:03:23.639 --> 0:03:27.800 lot of the challenges we experience are because we have 0:03:27.800 --> 0:03:31.480 a lack of confidence. And as someone who believes that 0:03:31.600 --> 0:03:34.760 confidence is a habit and a muscle that has to 0:03:34.800 --> 0:03:38.960 be constantly practiced and developed, I wanted to share with 0:03:39.040 --> 0:03:42.400 you this episode, which is going to introduce you to 0:03:42.440 --> 0:03:46.920 the seven habits that confident people possess and how they 0:03:47.000 --> 0:03:50.880 do things differently, and they also do things differently to 0:03:50.960 --> 0:03:54.920 how we perceive confidence. So there are going to be 0:03:55.000 --> 0:03:57.560 many moments in this episode where I think you're going 0:03:57.600 --> 0:04:00.600 to be surprised by what I say. There's going to 0:04:00.680 --> 0:04:04.680 be an insight that is to make you think again 0:04:04.720 --> 0:04:08.080 and make you start pause and reflect. And as I 0:04:08.120 --> 0:04:10.920 always say, I'm trying to help give you more insight, 0:04:11.200 --> 0:04:14.280 but also deeper insight. So this podcast is going to 0:04:14.320 --> 0:04:18.920 go deeply into confidence beyond the stereotype superficial advice we 0:04:18.960 --> 0:04:21.640 hear about how to be confident. In this episode, I'm 0:04:21.680 --> 0:04:25.960 going to take you a step deeper. Now. The first principle, 0:04:26.520 --> 0:04:31.320 which is so powerful and so important, is saying yes 0:04:32.040 --> 0:04:36.239 and then figuring it out. The thing I love about 0:04:36.360 --> 0:04:41.159 this principle is that when you say yes and then 0:04:41.279 --> 0:04:45.640 choose to figure it out, you've placed positive pressure on 0:04:45.800 --> 0:04:49.000 yourself to have to figure it out. Now, if you 0:04:49.040 --> 0:04:51.600 were asked to do something and you didn't know how 0:04:51.640 --> 0:04:55.479 to do it and you said no, what happens You 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:59.960 lose the opportunity, but more importantly, you lose the opportunity 0:05:00.040 --> 0:05:03.280 need to learn. Now that you've said no, you don't 0:05:03.320 --> 0:05:06.680 have to grow. Now that you've said no, you don't 0:05:06.720 --> 0:05:10.000 have to learn. Now that you've said no, you have 0:05:10.040 --> 0:05:13.479 no need to follow up. That's it, end of the story. 0:05:13.760 --> 0:05:18.200 It's done. But when you say yes, you now have 0:05:18.360 --> 0:05:22.560 created that positive pressure to say, Okay, well how long 0:05:22.600 --> 0:05:24.360 do I have to learn this? Okay, I've got six weeks. Okay, 0:05:24.440 --> 0:05:26.880 let me make a plan, let me get focused, let 0:05:26.880 --> 0:05:32.320 me get activated, let me get scheduled, planned, organized. So 0:05:32.400 --> 0:05:36.039 not only have you gained an opportunity, you've gained the 0:05:36.080 --> 0:05:40.760 opportunity to develop skills. And it's so much more about 0:05:40.760 --> 0:05:45.120 the skills you developed than even the opportunity. Now, I 0:05:45.240 --> 0:05:50.039 was really fortunate. I came across this quote and idea 0:05:50.200 --> 0:05:53.600 from Richard Branson very early on in my life. I 0:05:53.640 --> 0:05:56.360 think I was around maybe fifteen or sixteen. I still 0:05:56.400 --> 0:06:01.200 remember reading this quote and he said, if somebody offers 0:06:01.240 --> 0:06:05.040 you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you 0:06:05.040 --> 0:06:08.960 can do it, say yes, then learn how to do 0:06:09.000 --> 0:06:14.000 it later. And that's exactly a trait of confident people. 0:06:14.680 --> 0:06:17.400 Why because the confidence isn't in I can do it. 0:06:18.000 --> 0:06:21.080 The confidences I'll find a way to learn how to 0:06:21.160 --> 0:06:24.599 do it. This isn't an arrogance or cockiness that I 0:06:24.640 --> 0:06:28.200 already know everything. Actually, it's an acceptance of what we 0:06:28.279 --> 0:06:34.039 don't know, but the hunger and the enthusiasm to learn. Now, 0:06:34.920 --> 0:06:38.240 this is such a beautiful story that comes out of 0:06:38.520 --> 0:06:43.960 Richard Branson's autobiography, Finding My Virginity, and I truly believe 0:06:44.080 --> 0:06:46.120 that this story is going to help a lot of 0:06:46.200 --> 0:06:52.039 us learn. So he remembers. Richard Branson remembers speaking to 0:06:52.080 --> 0:06:56.080 the chief financial officer at the time of the European 0:06:56.160 --> 0:07:01.120 carrier Virgin Express, and the chief financial officer decided to 0:07:01.160 --> 0:07:04.039 resign so he could move back to his home country 0:07:04.040 --> 0:07:07.880 of Australia with his wife and kids. Now, even though 0:07:07.960 --> 0:07:11.600 Richard Branson was saddened by this news, he understood, He 0:07:11.720 --> 0:07:14.640 got it that the chief financial officer's decision was to 0:07:14.680 --> 0:07:17.880 put his family first, and he respected that. But when 0:07:17.880 --> 0:07:20.120 they were having this phone call, and can you imagine 0:07:20.160 --> 0:07:22.600 being someone who's saying to Richard Branson, I think I'm 0:07:22.640 --> 0:07:24.560 just going to focus on my family. I'm going to 0:07:24.640 --> 0:07:27.720 move back to Australia. You know it's done. Imagine saying 0:07:27.760 --> 0:07:30.480 that in the first place. Well, before ending the call, 0:07:31.160 --> 0:07:35.120 Richard Branson said, if you want to do anything in Australia, 0:07:35.680 --> 0:07:38.840 let me know and we'll see what we can do. 0:07:39.480 --> 0:07:42.640 The chief financial officer, the Virgin employee, his name was 0:07:42.680 --> 0:07:46.040 Brett Godfrey, and he started to tell Richard Branson about 0:07:46.040 --> 0:07:49.720 his idea for a low cost airline in Australia. Now, 0:07:49.920 --> 0:07:54.200 Richard Branson says that he immediately liked the idea and 0:07:54.280 --> 0:07:57.239 he asked Godfrey to shoot over a more detailed plan 0:07:57.640 --> 0:08:01.600 for what would end up becoming Virgin Australia. Richard Branson 0:08:01.600 --> 0:08:04.120 said that Brett's plan was delivered to my door the 0:08:04.280 --> 0:08:07.480 next morning, and he says that he always liked people 0:08:07.480 --> 0:08:10.240 who moved fast, and then he goes on to say 0:08:10.320 --> 0:08:12.880 that he's probably said he has too many times in 0:08:12.920 --> 0:08:16.360 his life, but he doesn't regret a thing, and that 0:08:16.520 --> 0:08:19.800 saying yes can be a risk, but it's so worth it. 0:08:19.800 --> 0:08:22.840 It's so powerful, and he says life is a lot 0:08:22.880 --> 0:08:25.920 more fun when you say yes. It's amazing how that 0:08:26.000 --> 0:08:30.040 one little word can lead you on an incredible adventure. 0:08:30.840 --> 0:08:35.160 So confident people learn to say yes and then figure 0:08:35.320 --> 0:08:38.680 it out. I remember reading that statement from Richard Branson 0:08:38.840 --> 0:08:42.280 and then practicing that in my life, and I've seen 0:08:42.360 --> 0:08:46.360 again and again and again how I've learned so much 0:08:46.520 --> 0:08:49.760 more because of it. There are so many skills that 0:08:49.800 --> 0:08:52.840 I wouldn't have today had I said no, Whereas the 0:08:52.960 --> 0:08:57.040 positive pressure of learning a new skill is actually what 0:08:57.280 --> 0:09:00.680 gives me confidence. So people feel confident. This is something 0:09:00.679 --> 0:09:05.920 that you have. Confidence is the understanding where you appreciate 0:09:06.000 --> 0:09:10.280 and value your own abilities and qualities, and you only 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:13.680 value your own abilities and qualities when you grow new ones, 0:09:14.000 --> 0:09:17.400 when you create new ones. So I really want you 0:09:17.400 --> 0:09:19.400 to think about this this week. Next time you get 0:09:19.440 --> 0:09:22.800 a new opportunity, I want you to say yes, and 0:09:22.840 --> 0:09:24.640 then I want you to figure out how to do it. 0:09:25.200 --> 0:09:27.960 I've done this time and time and time again, and 0:09:28.040 --> 0:09:30.880 it has helped me grow so many skills that I 0:09:30.880 --> 0:09:34.840 would never have had before. And so genuinely think about that. 0:09:35.200 --> 0:09:37.680 When you're asked to do something this week that you 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:39.959 may not have done before, you may have done it before, 0:09:40.559 --> 0:09:42.480 do it in this way, so yes, I can do it. 0:09:42.840 --> 0:09:47.720 I can figure it out now. This second habit that 0:09:48.080 --> 0:09:52.800 confident people use is it's not just important to say yes, 0:09:53.800 --> 0:09:57.960 it's also important to say no when something is against 0:09:58.040 --> 0:10:02.400 your values. So we yes when something is an opportunity 0:10:02.440 --> 0:10:05.400 we're excited about, but you also learn to say no 0:10:06.040 --> 0:10:09.439 when something's against your values. People often say, oh, you'll 0:10:09.440 --> 0:10:12.160 be more confident if you say yes to everything. Well, 0:10:12.200 --> 0:10:16.520 often it doesn't. It brings about feelings of insecurity, of 0:10:16.520 --> 0:10:18.679 a lack of integrity. If you say yes to something 0:10:18.720 --> 0:10:21.160 that is it something you deeply want to learn or 0:10:21.520 --> 0:10:25.080 care about or interested in, or is actually against your values. 0:10:25.520 --> 0:10:28.080 If you say yes to something that's against your values, 0:10:28.360 --> 0:10:30.880 you're not going to feel confident, you're going to feel 0:10:30.920 --> 0:10:34.760 more insecure, You're going to feel less safe. So learning 0:10:34.760 --> 0:10:37.640 to say no when something is against your values is 0:10:37.640 --> 0:10:41.319 a really important habit. Now, for this, you need to 0:10:41.360 --> 0:10:46.600 know what your values are, right and confident people know 0:10:46.640 --> 0:10:48.280 what their values are. So how do you know what 0:10:48.320 --> 0:10:52.640 your values are? Your value is what you value when 0:10:52.679 --> 0:10:55.680 you're not at work, when you're not working, which is 0:10:55.679 --> 0:10:58.760 something we all have to do. What do you prioritize, 0:10:59.280 --> 0:11:03.120 what takes the top emptiness in your schedule? What's the 0:11:03.160 --> 0:11:05.040 first thing you think about on the weekend. That's what 0:11:05.120 --> 0:11:08.040 you value. Now you may look at that and say, well, 0:11:08.080 --> 0:11:10.120 I don't want to value that. I spend my day 0:11:10.559 --> 0:11:13.200 watching a sports game for four hours. I spend my 0:11:13.280 --> 0:11:16.320 day just lazing around with the family. I spend my 0:11:16.440 --> 0:11:21.240 day just sitting there aimlessly in front of a TV show, right, Like, 0:11:21.280 --> 0:11:23.360 if any of those are your answer, and you're thinking, Jay, 0:11:23.559 --> 0:11:26.600 that's not my value. I value so much more than that. Well, 0:11:26.640 --> 0:11:28.160 then what is it that you wish you were doing 0:11:28.160 --> 0:11:30.600 with your time? What is it that you would wish 0:11:30.600 --> 0:11:33.400 you were doing with your energy? Because that is what 0:11:33.480 --> 0:11:37.000 you value. And so what we do in our spare 0:11:37.080 --> 0:11:40.200 time is what we value, or what we want to 0:11:40.240 --> 0:11:42.880 do in our spare time is what we value. Now 0:11:43.120 --> 0:11:47.080 is array? In an interview with Time in December twenty sixteen, 0:11:47.160 --> 0:11:49.080 she said, there was a moment when I was scared 0:11:49.120 --> 0:11:53.240 to speak up. Everybody was behind this one decision, and 0:11:53.320 --> 0:11:57.040 I didn't want to rock the boat. Shonda Rhimes told 0:11:57.120 --> 0:11:59.520 me about a time in her life where if she 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:03.520 hadn't spoken up, her trajectory would have been different. She 0:12:03.600 --> 0:12:06.880 didn't know she could get fired. That's what gave her 0:12:06.880 --> 0:12:11.600 the confidence. So I tried to operate with the same mentality. Now, 0:12:11.720 --> 0:12:17.719 what I love about this is saying no is not easy, 0:12:17.800 --> 0:12:23.080 but saying no protects every future. Yes, right, saying notice 0:12:23.120 --> 0:12:25.600 something that doesn't feel right, that doesn't feel like it's 0:12:25.600 --> 0:12:28.200 what you want to do. I remember a company that 0:12:28.240 --> 0:12:31.800 I was working with wanted me to become more political. 0:12:32.200 --> 0:12:35.280 They wanted me to focus on political issues, and I 0:12:35.360 --> 0:12:37.600 remember saying to them that I just didn't feel comfortable 0:12:37.640 --> 0:12:41.560 doing that because that wasn't my calling, that wasn't my purpose, 0:12:41.679 --> 0:12:45.520 that wasn't what was what I was gravitating towards. That's 0:12:45.600 --> 0:12:49.800 not what my life and work was about. That wasn't 0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:52.720 my goal. It's not that I believe that that isn't useful. 0:12:52.760 --> 0:12:55.120 It's not that I believe that that shouldn't be something 0:12:55.160 --> 0:12:57.760 that should be important. It's just that that wasn't what 0:12:57.840 --> 0:13:02.080 it was for me. So it was so important for 0:13:02.120 --> 0:13:05.080 me to say no to that. I've been asked to 0:13:05.280 --> 0:13:09.600 host so many TV shows, and whenever they come my way, 0:13:09.679 --> 0:13:12.400 if it isn't truly about something I deeply care about, 0:13:12.440 --> 0:13:15.200 I'll say no because I don't want to be on 0:13:15.240 --> 0:13:17.800 TV to be on TV. I want to create work 0:13:17.920 --> 0:13:21.640 that truly impacts people's lives and makes a difference and 0:13:22.000 --> 0:13:24.000 gives you all something to watch that is going to 0:13:24.040 --> 0:13:29.080 transform you. And that requires me to hold back on 0:13:29.120 --> 0:13:31.560 this desire that I have or dream that I have 0:13:31.880 --> 0:13:34.840 to get it right. So there are some opportunities that 0:13:34.920 --> 0:13:37.640 you need to say yes to to accelerate your dreams. 0:13:38.080 --> 0:13:40.560 And there are some opportunities you'd need to say no 0:13:40.679 --> 0:13:44.920 to to accelerate your dreams. Saying no doesn't mean you're 0:13:44.960 --> 0:13:49.680 slowing down, and saying yes doesn't always mean you're speeding up. 0:13:50.040 --> 0:13:52.520 And so say yes when you get an opportunity to 0:13:52.600 --> 0:13:56.040 learn something, say yes when you get an opportunity to 0:13:56.240 --> 0:13:59.400 grow in a certain way, and say no when it 0:13:59.440 --> 0:14:03.280 doesn't it with your values. This will develop confidence in yourself. 0:14:03.320 --> 0:14:06.560 That's ultimately what we're looking for. Confidence isn't about how 0:14:06.640 --> 0:14:09.720 much you have or what you've achieved. Confidence is about saying, 0:14:10.040 --> 0:14:12.400 I did what I really care about. I do what 0:14:12.480 --> 0:14:16.000 I believed in. I commit and stay loyal to who 0:14:16.040 --> 0:14:19.480 I am, and that is why I am confident right. 0:14:19.520 --> 0:14:23.160 Confidence doesn't come from an achievement. Confidence comes from achieving 0:14:23.200 --> 0:14:26.120 what you really want to achieve. There's a question that 0:14:26.200 --> 0:14:30.200 I often ask people I work with. Is your dream 0:14:30.240 --> 0:14:35.840 really your dream? Let me ask you, is your dream 0:14:36.120 --> 0:14:41.640 really your dream? Or is it your parents' dream? Or 0:14:42.440 --> 0:14:46.640 is it your partner's dream, your friend's dream. Chasing the 0:14:46.720 --> 0:14:51.760 dream that society gives you will leave you with anxiety. 0:14:51.880 --> 0:14:55.040 Let me said that again. Chasing the dream that society 0:14:55.160 --> 0:14:59.720 gives you will leave you with anxiety because it will 0:14:59.760 --> 0:15:03.280 never be successful enough. You will never feel smart enough, 0:15:03.880 --> 0:15:07.800 You'll never feel like you're right enough. And if someone 0:15:07.960 --> 0:15:10.800 is known for something they don't want to be known for, 0:15:11.640 --> 0:15:15.640 they will always feel unknown. If you become known for 0:15:15.680 --> 0:15:17.640 something you don't want to be known for, you will 0:15:17.720 --> 0:15:21.480 always feel unknown. I know so many people that have 0:15:21.600 --> 0:15:24.120 made such progress in an area of their life. Maybe 0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:27.960 they're an incredible entrepreneur, maybe they're incredible on social media, 0:15:28.000 --> 0:15:31.000 but they don't feel confident because they're not known for 0:15:31.080 --> 0:15:33.560 what they truly want to be known for. So I 0:15:33.640 --> 0:15:37.640 ask you that question. Whatever you're pursuing, is it aligned 0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:39.320 with who you want to be and where you want 0:15:39.360 --> 0:15:43.040 to go? That's the third principle. So Habit one will 0:15:43.080 --> 0:15:45.800 say yes, then figure it out. Habit two will say 0:15:45.880 --> 0:15:49.560 no when it's against your values. And Habit three is 0:15:49.600 --> 0:15:55.160 work in alignment with your dream, not anyone else's now. 0:15:55.440 --> 0:16:01.359 Step number four is that confident people focus on improvement, 0:16:02.080 --> 0:16:06.320 not perfection. We think of confident people as having it 0:16:06.360 --> 0:16:09.760 all figured out. We think of confident people as people 0:16:09.760 --> 0:16:12.720 who know exactly what they're doing. We think of confident 0:16:12.760 --> 0:16:16.320 people who focus on just crushing it and winning. But 0:16:16.480 --> 0:16:21.920 all confident people are focused on improvement, not perfection. They're 0:16:21.960 --> 0:16:26.280 focused on the improvement, not the arrival. There's so many 0:16:26.320 --> 0:16:29.680 stories about Kobe Bryant being in the gym two hours 0:16:29.720 --> 0:16:32.560 even before anyone else made it, there on the court, 0:16:32.680 --> 0:16:38.680 practicing before a game, doing real game moves, focused on improvement. 0:16:39.240 --> 0:16:42.320 There's so many stories of Cristiano Ronaldo, the soccer player 0:16:42.480 --> 0:16:46.280 who's at training three hours before anyone else today, he's 0:16:46.320 --> 0:16:49.440 like thirty six going on thirty seven, and he's still 0:16:49.440 --> 0:16:51.240 one of the best players in the world, and it's 0:16:51.280 --> 0:16:56.440 phenomenal to see how someone is constantly focused on improvement. See, 0:16:56.440 --> 0:16:59.600 the thing is, when you chase perfection, you can feel 0:16:59.600 --> 0:17:03.800 you've reached it, and that can create complacency, or you 0:17:03.880 --> 0:17:08.480 feel you never reach it and that creates overwhelmed. Or 0:17:08.600 --> 0:17:11.520 is when you focus on improvement, that's something you can 0:17:11.680 --> 0:17:16.440 always have and always measure. So so many people who 0:17:16.520 --> 0:17:19.840 focus on perfection, they either get complacent because they feel 0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:22.480 they've reached it and then they drop or they feel 0:17:22.520 --> 0:17:26.000 they never reach it, so they're constantly putting themselves under pressure. 0:17:26.000 --> 0:17:30.119 They're constantly criticizing themselves so you either get complacent or 0:17:30.160 --> 0:17:33.360 you get critical when you focus on perfection. But when 0:17:33.400 --> 0:17:37.520 you focus on improvement, you get enthusiasm, you get excitement, 0:17:37.840 --> 0:17:41.040 you get new experiences, you get the feeling of what 0:17:41.080 --> 0:17:45.440 it feels like to evolve. Focus on how you can 0:17:45.520 --> 0:17:49.160 improve anything where you don't feel confident right now, anywhere 0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:52.600 where you don't feel the best feel How can I improve? 0:17:53.119 --> 0:17:55.719 How can I get better? What can I learn? What 0:17:55.800 --> 0:17:58.680 can I grow? What do I need to build? I'll 0:17:58.680 --> 0:18:03.000 give you an example. You know, I've been creating videos 0:18:03.080 --> 0:18:08.320 now for roughly the last five years, and it's been 0:18:08.359 --> 0:18:12.239 an incredible journey. But I'm constantly trying to improve and 0:18:12.320 --> 0:18:15.040 grow what I do. We launched from videos, then went 0:18:15.040 --> 0:18:17.879 to the podcast. Then from the podcast, I wrote my book. 0:18:18.160 --> 0:18:20.560 We have my Genius membership and community, We have my 0:18:20.600 --> 0:18:24.240 online courses, we have my certification school. Rather than I 0:18:24.359 --> 0:18:28.520 launched our tea company, and I continue to iteratively want 0:18:28.560 --> 0:18:31.680 to improve. I promise you I've not been perfect at 0:18:31.720 --> 0:18:34.359 any one of these things, but I've always tried to 0:18:34.400 --> 0:18:37.719 be better. I've always tried to grow. If I can 0:18:37.760 --> 0:18:40.399 be one percent better every time I take a swing, 0:18:40.920 --> 0:18:43.560 that's going to have huge improvements. Because I'm going to 0:18:43.680 --> 0:18:50.800 keep swinging now. Step number five is going to be 0:18:50.840 --> 0:18:54.600 an interesting one for a lot of you. Talk less 0:18:54.680 --> 0:19:04.960 around unintelligent conversations. When you're in an unintelligent conversation, talk less. 0:19:05.520 --> 0:19:08.680 Notice how I'm not saying unintelligent people. Notice how I'm 0:19:08.720 --> 0:19:11.560 not saying you're unintelligent friends. And when I say unintelligent, 0:19:11.640 --> 0:19:17.600 I don't mean intellectually. I mean emotionally and spiritually. If 0:19:17.760 --> 0:19:21.960 I'm around a conversation that is based around gossip, if 0:19:21.960 --> 0:19:25.680 I'm around a conversation that is about criticism, if I'm 0:19:25.760 --> 0:19:30.359 in a conversation that is negative or toxic, I talk less. 0:19:31.119 --> 0:19:33.760 I don't try and correct people. I don't try and 0:19:33.840 --> 0:19:36.679 be the bigger person or be holier than thou. I 0:19:36.680 --> 0:19:41.240 don't try and preach to anyone. And remain silent. It's 0:19:41.320 --> 0:19:44.960 such an important quality. There's an amazing quote by Abraham 0:19:44.960 --> 0:19:50.240 Lincoln and it says better to remain silent and be 0:19:50.359 --> 0:19:54.600 thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. 0:19:55.640 --> 0:19:57.080 And I love that. And you may be saying, Jay, 0:19:57.080 --> 0:19:58.840 but I have important things to say. I want to 0:19:58.880 --> 0:20:01.640 teach people. I want to tell to stop being negative. Well, 0:20:01.720 --> 0:20:05.800 sometimes the smartest thing to do is to be silent 0:20:05.840 --> 0:20:07.520 because they may not want to hear it at that 0:20:07.600 --> 0:20:09.879 time or from you. I'm not saying we have to 0:20:09.880 --> 0:20:12.480 be silent if someone's talking bad about our friend or 0:20:12.520 --> 0:20:15.040 someone you care about, but I'm saying that often we're 0:20:15.040 --> 0:20:18.639 just in a conversation that's negatively talking about someone that 0:20:18.640 --> 0:20:20.960 we don't even know and that no one knows in 0:20:21.000 --> 0:20:24.960 that group, or we maybe just complaining about something. In 0:20:24.960 --> 0:20:28.120 that scenario, being silent saves you a lot of stress 0:20:28.600 --> 0:20:31.480 and saves you a lot of hassle as opposed to 0:20:31.560 --> 0:20:35.520 getting stuck in and getting involved. Now in the opposite scenario, 0:20:35.920 --> 0:20:42.040 listen to this. When you're around intelligent conversations, ask more questions. 0:20:42.720 --> 0:20:47.959 So during unintelligent conversations, we usually feel like joining in 0:20:48.040 --> 0:20:50.159 makes us feel like we belong, makes us feel like 0:20:50.200 --> 0:20:53.440 we are adding to the conversation, makes us bond over 0:20:53.520 --> 0:20:56.080 negative things. But here's the interesting thing. Can you ever 0:20:56.200 --> 0:20:59.199 bond over something negative unless it's something negative that you 0:20:59.200 --> 0:21:01.080 went through and got over with someone? But can you 0:21:01.160 --> 0:21:04.600 bond over doing bad to others? I'm sure you can, 0:21:05.240 --> 0:21:06.760 But is that the kind of bond we want? Do 0:21:06.760 --> 0:21:08.880 we want to bond with others to be based on gossip. 0:21:09.320 --> 0:21:11.000 Do we want to bond with others to be based 0:21:11.000 --> 0:21:13.680 on criticism? No, because guess what if you sit there 0:21:14.000 --> 0:21:20.240 and criticize people with people, guaranteed people criticize you around people. Right. 0:21:20.560 --> 0:21:24.840 If you criticize people with people, that means people criticize 0:21:24.880 --> 0:21:27.920 you with other people. That's a position we don't want 0:21:27.920 --> 0:21:30.800 to be in. Now. If you're in an intelligent conversation, 0:21:30.880 --> 0:21:35.400 often the pull or the draw is let me say 0:21:35.440 --> 0:21:38.800 intelligent things. Let me come up with cool ideas, so 0:21:38.800 --> 0:21:41.199 that everyone sees how smart I am and looks at 0:21:41.280 --> 0:21:44.800 how much I have to offer. But truly, asking questions 0:21:45.640 --> 0:21:47.560 is what helps us grow the most. It's one of 0:21:47.560 --> 0:21:51.000 the reasons why on this podcast, when I'm sitting down 0:21:51.040 --> 0:21:54.840 with a guest, I do very little speaking, and there 0:21:54.880 --> 0:21:59.280 are some really powerful questions you can ask other people 0:21:59.600 --> 0:22:03.000 and you want to grow prepared. I have this book 0:22:03.000 --> 0:22:07.080 by Gregory Stock, PhD, called The Book of Questions. Now, 0:22:07.119 --> 0:22:09.760 of course, the question depends on your level of relationship 0:22:09.760 --> 0:22:11.919 with someone, but this is one of my favorite questions, 0:22:12.040 --> 0:22:15.399 especially when I'm getting to know someone better. Do you 0:22:15.480 --> 0:22:20.680 work harder to earn praise and recognition or to avoid criticism? 0:22:21.400 --> 0:22:24.760 Such a fascinating question. Do you work harder to earn 0:22:24.840 --> 0:22:31.479 praise and recognition or to avoid criticism? Right? Another question 0:22:31.520 --> 0:22:37.000 that I absolutely love is a question that I remember 0:22:37.080 --> 0:22:41.160 Will Smith mentioning to me. That is Sun once asked 0:22:41.240 --> 0:22:45.080 him Trey, the question is what do you worship? I 0:22:45.119 --> 0:22:49.239 think this is such a beautiful question. What do you worship? Nor? 0:22:49.280 --> 0:22:51.600 What do you value? What do you worship? What do 0:22:51.640 --> 0:22:54.919 you obsess over? What are you devoted to? It's a 0:22:55.000 --> 0:22:58.119 fascinating question. Now, of course you want to make your 0:22:58.200 --> 0:23:01.200 questions are based on the type of conversation you're having. 0:23:01.480 --> 0:23:04.800 But you don't have to ask a question knowing about 0:23:04.800 --> 0:23:07.919 what's being spoken about. Your question is something that you 0:23:08.000 --> 0:23:11.680 prepare beforehand to be around that theme. If you're at 0:23:11.680 --> 0:23:13.560 a conference, if you're in a meeting, if you're in 0:23:13.600 --> 0:23:18.280 a group of people, ask a question. Not only will 0:23:18.720 --> 0:23:23.280 you become smarter, you will also be perceived as smarter 0:23:23.920 --> 0:23:28.119 because you're taking interest in You're being curious. See, smarts 0:23:28.320 --> 0:23:33.040 are not only shown through intellect and knowledge. Smarts are 0:23:33.080 --> 0:23:36.520 also shown through curiosity and intrigue. And I think we 0:23:36.560 --> 0:23:40.119 need to broaden our understanding of what it truly means 0:23:40.320 --> 0:23:44.120 to be a smart individual. The final thing I want 0:23:44.119 --> 0:23:47.840 to share with you is this beautiful quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, 0:23:48.400 --> 0:23:55.160 where she said, great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. 0:23:56.000 --> 0:24:01.560 Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt said, great minds discuss ideas. 0:24:01.640 --> 0:24:06.960 Average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people. What are 0:24:06.960 --> 0:24:12.560 you discussing If you want to be confident, discuss ideas. 0:24:13.080 --> 0:24:18.280 If you want to be confident, discuss routines, practices, habits. 0:24:18.640 --> 0:24:22.359 If you want to be confident, discuss your vulnerabilities. You 0:24:22.400 --> 0:24:26.080 don't become more confident by discussing your successes. You don't 0:24:26.119 --> 0:24:29.360 become more confident by discussing your achievements. You become more 0:24:29.400 --> 0:24:33.960 confident by talking about and working through your vulnerabilities. Notice 0:24:33.960 --> 0:24:37.520 how counterintuitive that is, but how powerful and how important 0:24:37.520 --> 0:24:41.399