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Speaker 1: So there are some opportunities that you need to say

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Speaker 1: yes to to accelerate your dreams, and there are some

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Speaker 1: opportunities you need to say no to to accelerate your dreams.

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Speaker 1: Saying no doesn't mean you're slowing down, and saying yes

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Speaker 1: doesn't always mean you're speeding up. And so say yes

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Speaker 1: when you get an opportunity to learn something, say yes

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Speaker 1: when you get an opportunity to grow in a certain way,

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Speaker 1: and say no when it doesn't sit with your values. Hey, Hey, hey, everyone,

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Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose. I am so happy, I

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Speaker 1: am so grateful. I am so excited that you chose

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Speaker 1: to be here with me right now, and that we

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Speaker 1: get to spend this time together, invest this time together

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Speaker 1: into bettering ourselves. If you're one of the millions of

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Speaker 1: people that is dedicating every single week time, energy, presence,

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Speaker 1: and attention to listen to On Purpose, or whether you're

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Speaker 1: someone who just started listening today, I just want to

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Speaker 1: take a moment to say how much I value you,

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Speaker 1: how much I appreciate you, how grateful I am to you,

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Speaker 1: and just what an incredible community we have. As I've

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Speaker 1: been saying, I am so excited for the day I

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Speaker 1: can go on tour with On Purpose, meet you all

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Speaker 1: in person, give you all a big hug, and we

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Speaker 1: could share that energy in one space. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: be reading a few reviews from ones that I've been

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Speaker 1: finding on Apple and Spotify, so if you haven't left

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Speaker 1: a review, please do. It makes a huge different to

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Speaker 1: the podcast. So here's one that I love. This is

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Speaker 1: from Ashna. Hey, j, I love your podcast and I

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Speaker 1: listen to it twice a week during my commute to

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Speaker 1: work Mayashank is one of my favorite guest episodes because

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Speaker 1: she seems so happy and filled with energy, and she

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Speaker 1: has inspired me to continue to follow passion for psychology.

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Speaker 1: That's awesome. I love hearing that. She goes on to say,

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Speaker 1: I love your work. Jay. Listening to your podcast has

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Speaker 1: helped me be a better person and peer for many people.

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Speaker 1: I am able to show up and serve them with love, patience,

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Speaker 1: and grace. I love that, Ashna, Thank you so much.

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Speaker 1: Now this one is from Dana. Wow. Jay, Each episode

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Speaker 1: hits in a different way, but always exactly what I need.

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Speaker 1: You're an absolute genius. I can't express enough how grateful

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Speaker 1: I am for you serving your community with on Purpose.

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Speaker 1: You have opened my eyes to many new concepts and

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Speaker 1: reminded me of things I already knew but forgot along

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Speaker 1: the way. This podcast is an essential part of my

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Speaker 1: growth journey and has become a habit to listen to weekly.

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Speaker 1: And you go on and on and it's beautiful. I

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Speaker 1: feel so deeply grateful and touched by all of these messages.

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Speaker 1: I'm scrolling through them right now and it's just truly,

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Speaker 1: truly beautiful. So thank you so much. So when I'm

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Speaker 1: thinking about what I want to share with you, I

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Speaker 1: honestly sit down to reflect on what I think I've

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Speaker 1: been going through this week, what stories I've heard from clients,

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Speaker 1: from friends, from family, from people that I bump into,

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Speaker 1: from events that I've been to, and I realize that

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Speaker 1: confidence is a big issue because with insecurity anxiety, a

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Speaker 1: lot of the challenges we experience are because we have

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Speaker 1: a lack of confidence. And as someone who believes that

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Speaker 1: confidence is a habit and a muscle that has to

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Speaker 1: be constantly practiced and developed, I wanted to share with

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Speaker 1: you this episode, which is going to introduce you to

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Speaker 1: the seven habits that confident people possess and how they

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Speaker 1: do things differently, and they also do things differently to

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Speaker 1: how we perceive confidence. So there are going to be

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Speaker 1: many moments in this episode where I think you're going

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Speaker 1: to be surprised by what I say. There's going to

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Speaker 1: be an insight that is to make you think again

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Speaker 1: and make you start pause and reflect. And as I

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Speaker 1: always say, I'm trying to help give you more insight,

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Speaker 1: but also deeper insight. So this podcast is going to

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Speaker 1: go deeply into confidence beyond the stereotype superficial advice we

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Speaker 1: hear about how to be confident. In this episode, I'm

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Speaker 1: going to take you a step deeper. Now. The first principle,

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Speaker 1: which is so powerful and so important, is saying yes

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Speaker 1: and then figuring it out. The thing I love about

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Speaker 1: this principle is that when you say yes and then

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Speaker 1: choose to figure it out, you've placed positive pressure on

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Speaker 1: yourself to have to figure it out. Now, if you

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Speaker 1: were asked to do something and you didn't know how

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Speaker 1: to do it and you said no, what happens You

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Speaker 1: lose the opportunity, but more importantly, you lose the opportunity

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Speaker 1: need to learn. Now that you've said no, you don't

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Speaker 1: have to grow. Now that you've said no, you don't

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Speaker 1: have to learn. Now that you've said no, you have

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Speaker 1: no need to follow up. That's it, end of the story.

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Speaker 1: It's done. But when you say yes, you now have

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Speaker 1: created that positive pressure to say, Okay, well how long

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Speaker 1: do I have to learn this? Okay, I've got six weeks. Okay,

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Speaker 1: let me make a plan, let me get focused, let

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Speaker 1: me get activated, let me get scheduled, planned, organized. So

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Speaker 1: not only have you gained an opportunity, you've gained the

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Speaker 1: opportunity to develop skills. And it's so much more about

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Speaker 1: the skills you developed than even the opportunity. Now, I

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Speaker 1: was really fortunate. I came across this quote and idea

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Speaker 1: from Richard Branson very early on in my life. I

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Speaker 1: think I was around maybe fifteen or sixteen. I still

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Speaker 1: remember reading this quote and he said, if somebody offers

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Speaker 1: you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you

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Speaker 1: can do it, say yes, then learn how to do

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Speaker 1: it later. And that's exactly a trait of confident people.

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Speaker 1: Why because the confidence isn't in I can do it.

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Speaker 1: The confidences I'll find a way to learn how to

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Speaker 1: do it. This isn't an arrogance or cockiness that I

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Speaker 1: already know everything. Actually, it's an acceptance of what we

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Speaker 1: don't know, but the hunger and the enthusiasm to learn. Now,

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Speaker 1: this is such a beautiful story that comes out of

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Speaker 1: Richard Branson's autobiography, Finding My Virginity, and I truly believe

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Speaker 1: that this story is going to help a lot of

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Speaker 1: us learn. So he remembers. Richard Branson remembers speaking to

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Speaker 1: the chief financial officer at the time of the European

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Speaker 1: carrier Virgin Express, and the chief financial officer decided to

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Speaker 1: resign so he could move back to his home country

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Speaker 1: of Australia with his wife and kids. Now, even though

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Speaker 1: Richard Branson was saddened by this news, he understood, He

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Speaker 1: got it that the chief financial officer's decision was to

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Speaker 1: put his family first, and he respected that. But when

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Speaker 1: they were having this phone call, and can you imagine

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Speaker 1: being someone who's saying to Richard Branson, I think I'm

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Speaker 1: just going to focus on my family. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: move back to Australia. You know it's done. Imagine saying

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Speaker 1: that in the first place. Well, before ending the call,

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Speaker 1: Richard Branson said, if you want to do anything in Australia,

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Speaker 1: let me know and we'll see what we can do.

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Speaker 1: The chief financial officer, the Virgin employee, his name was

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Speaker 1: Brett Godfrey, and he started to tell Richard Branson about

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Speaker 1: his idea for a low cost airline in Australia. Now,

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Speaker 1: Richard Branson says that he immediately liked the idea and

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Speaker 1: he asked Godfrey to shoot over a more detailed plan

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Speaker 1: for what would end up becoming Virgin Australia. Richard Branson

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Speaker 1: said that Brett's plan was delivered to my door the

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Speaker 1: next morning, and he says that he always liked people

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Speaker 1: who moved fast, and then he goes on to say

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Speaker 1: that he's probably said he has too many times in

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Speaker 1: his life, but he doesn't regret a thing, and that

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Speaker 1: saying yes can be a risk, but it's so worth it.

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Speaker 1: It's so powerful, and he says life is a lot

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Speaker 1: more fun when you say yes. It's amazing how that

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Speaker 1: one little word can lead you on an incredible adventure.

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Speaker 1: So confident people learn to say yes and then figure

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Speaker 1: it out. I remember reading that statement from Richard Branson

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Speaker 1: and then practicing that in my life, and I've seen

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Speaker 1: again and again and again how I've learned so much

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Speaker 1: more because of it. There are so many skills that

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Speaker 1: I wouldn't have today had I said no, Whereas the

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Speaker 1: positive pressure of learning a new skill is actually what

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Speaker 1: gives me confidence. So people feel confident. This is something

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Speaker 1: that you have. Confidence is the understanding where you appreciate

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Speaker 1: and value your own abilities and qualities, and you only

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Speaker 1: value your own abilities and qualities when you grow new ones,

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Speaker 1: when you create new ones. So I really want you

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Speaker 1: to think about this this week. Next time you get

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Speaker 1: a new opportunity, I want you to say yes, and

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Speaker 1: then I want you to figure out how to do it.

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Speaker 1: I've done this time and time and time again, and

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Speaker 1: it has helped me grow so many skills that I

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Speaker 1: would never have had before. And so genuinely think about that.

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Speaker 1: When you're asked to do something this week that you

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Speaker 1: may not have done before, you may have done it before,

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Speaker 1: do it in this way, so yes, I can do it.

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Speaker 1: I can figure it out now. This second habit that

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Speaker 1: confident people use is it's not just important to say yes,

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Speaker 1: it's also important to say no when something is against

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Speaker 1: your values. So we yes when something is an opportunity

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Speaker 1: we're excited about, but you also learn to say no

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Speaker 1: when something's against your values. People often say, oh, you'll

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Speaker 1: be more confident if you say yes to everything. Well,

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Speaker 1: often it doesn't. It brings about feelings of insecurity, of

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Speaker 1: a lack of integrity. If you say yes to something

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Speaker 1: that is it something you deeply want to learn or

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Speaker 1: care about or interested in, or is actually against your values.

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Speaker 1: If you say yes to something that's against your values,

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Speaker 1: you're not going to feel confident, you're going to feel

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Speaker 1: more insecure, You're going to feel less safe. So learning

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Speaker 1: to say no when something is against your values is

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Speaker 1: a really important habit. Now, for this, you need to

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Speaker 1: know what your values are, right and confident people know

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Speaker 1: what their values are. So how do you know what

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Speaker 1: your values are? Your value is what you value when

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Speaker 1: you're not at work, when you're not working, which is

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Speaker 1: something we all have to do. What do you prioritize,

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Speaker 1: what takes the top emptiness in your schedule? What's the

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Speaker 1: first thing you think about on the weekend. That's what

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Speaker 1: you value. Now you may look at that and say, well,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to value that. I spend my day

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Speaker 1: watching a sports game for four hours. I spend my

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Speaker 1: day just lazing around with the family. I spend my

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Speaker 1: day just sitting there aimlessly in front of a TV show, right, Like,

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Speaker 1: if any of those are your answer, and you're thinking, Jay,

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Speaker 1: that's not my value. I value so much more than that. Well,

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Speaker 1: then what is it that you wish you were doing

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Speaker 1: with your time? What is it that you would wish

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Speaker 1: you were doing with your energy? Because that is what

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Speaker 1: you value. And so what we do in our spare

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Speaker 1: time is what we value, or what we want to

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Speaker 1: do in our spare time is what we value. Now

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Speaker 1: is array? In an interview with Time in December twenty sixteen,

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Speaker 1: she said, there was a moment when I was scared

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Speaker 1: to speak up. Everybody was behind this one decision, and

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to rock the boat. Shonda Rhimes told

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Speaker 1: me about a time in her life where if she

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Speaker 1: hadn't spoken up, her trajectory would have been different. She

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Speaker 1: didn't know she could get fired. That's what gave her

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Speaker 1: the confidence. So I tried to operate with the same mentality. Now,

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Speaker 1: what I love about this is saying no is not easy,

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Speaker 1: but saying no protects every future. Yes, right, saying notice

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Speaker 1: something that doesn't feel right, that doesn't feel like it's

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Speaker 1: what you want to do. I remember a company that

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Speaker 1: I was working with wanted me to become more political.

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Speaker 1: They wanted me to focus on political issues, and I

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Speaker 1: remember saying to them that I just didn't feel comfortable

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Speaker 1: doing that because that wasn't my calling, that wasn't my purpose,

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Speaker 1: that wasn't what was what I was gravitating towards. That's

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Speaker 1: not what my life and work was about. That wasn't

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Speaker 1: my goal. It's not that I believe that that isn't useful.

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Speaker 1: It's not that I believe that that shouldn't be something

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Speaker 1: that should be important. It's just that that wasn't what

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Speaker 1: me to say no to that. I've been asked to

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Speaker 1: if it isn't truly about something I deeply care about,

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Speaker 1: I'll say no because I don't want to be on

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Speaker 1: gives you all something to watch that is going to

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Speaker 1: transform you. And that requires me to hold back on

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Speaker 1: this desire that I have or dream that I have

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Speaker 1: you need to say yes to to accelerate your dreams.

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Speaker 1: And there are some opportunities you'd need to say no

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Speaker 1: to to accelerate your dreams. Saying no doesn't mean you're

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Speaker 1: slowing down, and saying yes doesn't always mean you're speeding up.

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Speaker 1: And so say yes when you get an opportunity to

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Speaker 1: learn something, say yes when you get an opportunity to

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Speaker 1: doesn't it with your values. This will develop confidence in yourself.

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Speaker 1: That's ultimately what we're looking for. Confidence isn't about how

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Speaker 1: much you have or what you've achieved. Confidence is about saying,

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Speaker 1: I did what I really care about. I do what

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Speaker 1: I believed in. I commit and stay loyal to who

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Speaker 1: I am, and that is why I am confident right.

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Speaker 1: Confidence doesn't come from an achievement. Confidence comes from achieving

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Speaker 1: what you really want to achieve. There's a question that

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Speaker 1: I often ask people I work with. Is your dream

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Speaker 1: really your dream? Let me ask you, is your dream

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Speaker 1: really your dream? Or is it your parents' dream? Or

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Speaker 1: is it your partner's dream, your friend's dream. Chasing the

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Speaker 1: dream that society gives you will leave you with anxiety.

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Speaker 1: Let me said that again. Chasing the dream that society

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Speaker 1: gives you will leave you with anxiety because it will

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Speaker 1: never be successful enough. You will never feel smart enough,

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Speaker 1: You'll never feel like you're right enough. And if someone

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Speaker 1: is known for something they don't want to be known for,

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Speaker 1: they will always feel unknown. If you become known for

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Speaker 1: something you don't want to be known for, you will

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Speaker 1: always feel unknown. I know so many people that have

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Speaker 1: made such progress in an area of their life. Maybe

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Speaker 1: they're an incredible entrepreneur, maybe they're incredible on social media,

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Speaker 1: but they don't feel confident because they're not known for

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Speaker 1: what they truly want to be known for. So I

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Speaker 1: ask you that question. Whatever you're pursuing, is it aligned

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Speaker 1: with who you want to be and where you want

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Speaker 1: to go? That's the third principle. So Habit one will

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Speaker 1: say yes, then figure it out. Habit two will say

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Speaker 1: no when it's against your values. And Habit three is

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Speaker 1: work in alignment with your dream, not anyone else's now.

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Speaker 1: Step number four is that confident people focus on improvement,

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Speaker 1: not perfection. We think of confident people as having it

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Speaker 1: all figured out. We think of confident people as people

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Speaker 1: who know exactly what they're doing. We think of confident

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Speaker 1: people who focus on just crushing it and winning. But

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Speaker 1: all confident people are focused on improvement, not perfection. They're

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Speaker 1: focused on the improvement, not the arrival. There's so many

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Speaker 1: stories about Kobe Bryant being in the gym two hours

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Speaker 1: even before anyone else made it, there on the court,

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Speaker 1: practicing before a game, doing real game moves, focused on improvement.

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Speaker 1: There's so many stories of Cristiano Ronaldo, the soccer player

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Speaker 1: who's at training three hours before anyone else today, he's

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Speaker 1: like thirty six going on thirty seven, and he's still

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Speaker 1: one of the best players in the world, and it's

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Speaker 1: phenomenal to see how someone is constantly focused on improvement. See,

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Speaker 1: the thing is, when you chase perfection, you can feel

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Speaker 1: you've reached it, and that can create complacency, or you

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Speaker 1: feel you never reach it and that creates overwhelmed. Or

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Speaker 1: is when you focus on improvement, that's something you can

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Speaker 1: always have and always measure. So so many people who

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Speaker 1: focus on perfection, they either get complacent because they feel

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Speaker 1: they've reached it and then they drop or they feel

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Speaker 1: they never reach it, so they're constantly putting themselves under pressure.

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Speaker 1: They're constantly criticizing themselves so you either get complacent or

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Speaker 1: you get critical when you focus on perfection. But when

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Speaker 1: you focus on improvement, you get enthusiasm, you get excitement,

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Speaker 1: you get new experiences, you get the feeling of what

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Speaker 1: it feels like to evolve. Focus on how you can

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Speaker 1: improve anything where you don't feel confident right now, anywhere

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Speaker 1: where you don't feel the best feel How can I improve?

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Speaker 1: How can I get better? What can I learn? What

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Speaker 1: can I grow? What do I need to build? I'll

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Speaker 1: give you an example. You know, I've been creating videos

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Speaker 1: now for roughly the last five years, and it's been

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Speaker 1: an incredible journey. But I'm constantly trying to improve and

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Speaker 1: grow what I do. We launched from videos, then went

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Speaker 1: to the podcast. Then from the podcast, I wrote my book.

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Speaker 1: We have my Genius membership and community, We have my

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Speaker 1: online courses, we have my certification school. Rather than I

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Speaker 1: launched our tea company, and I continue to iteratively want

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Speaker 1: to improve. I promise you I've not been perfect at

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Speaker 1: any one of these things, but I've always tried to

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Speaker 1: be better. I've always tried to grow. If I can

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Speaker 1: be one percent better every time I take a swing,

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Speaker 1: that's going to have huge improvements. Because I'm going to

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Speaker 1: keep swinging now. Step number five is going to be

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Speaker 1: an interesting one for a lot of you. Talk less

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Speaker 1: around unintelligent conversations. When you're in an unintelligent conversation, talk less.

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Speaker 1: Notice how I'm not saying unintelligent people. Notice how I'm

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Speaker 1: not saying you're unintelligent friends. And when I say unintelligent,

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Speaker 1: I don't mean intellectually. I mean emotionally and spiritually. If

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Speaker 1: I'm around a conversation that is based around gossip, if

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Speaker 1: I'm around a conversation that is about criticism, if I'm

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Speaker 1: in a conversation that is negative or toxic, I talk less.

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Speaker 1: I don't try and correct people. I don't try and

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Speaker 1: be the bigger person or be holier than thou. I

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Speaker 1: don't try and preach to anyone. And remain silent. It's

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Speaker 1: such an important quality. There's an amazing quote by Abraham

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Speaker 1: Lincoln and it says better to remain silent and be

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Speaker 1: thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

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Speaker 1: And I love that. And you may be saying, Jay,

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Speaker 1: but I have important things to say. I want to

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Speaker 1: teach people. I want to tell to stop being negative. Well,

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Speaker 1: sometimes the smartest thing to do is to be silent

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Speaker 1: because they may not want to hear it at that

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Speaker 1: time or from you. I'm not saying we have to

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Speaker 1: be silent if someone's talking bad about our friend or

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Speaker 1: someone you care about, but I'm saying that often we're

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Speaker 1: just in a conversation that's negatively talking about someone that

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Speaker 1: we don't even know and that no one knows in

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Speaker 1: that group, or we maybe just complaining about something. In

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Speaker 1: that scenario, being silent saves you a lot of stress

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Speaker 1: and saves you a lot of hassle as opposed to

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Speaker 1: getting stuck in and getting involved. Now in the opposite scenario,

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Speaker 1: listen to this. When you're around intelligent conversations, ask more questions.

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Speaker 1: So during unintelligent conversations, we usually feel like joining in

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Speaker 1: makes us feel like we belong, makes us feel like

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Speaker 1: we are adding to the conversation, makes us bond over

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Speaker 1: negative things. But here's the interesting thing. Can you ever

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Speaker 1: bond over something negative unless it's something negative that you

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Speaker 1: went through and got over with someone? But can you

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Speaker 1: bond over doing bad to others? I'm sure you can,

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Speaker 1: But is that the kind of bond we want? Do

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Speaker 1: we want to bond with others to be based on gossip.

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Speaker 1: Do we want to bond with others to be based

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Speaker 1: on criticism? No, because guess what if you sit there

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Speaker 1: and criticize people with people, guaranteed people criticize you around people. Right.

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Speaker 1: If you criticize people with people, that means people criticize

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Speaker 1: you with other people. That's a position we don't want

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Speaker 1: to be in. Now. If you're in an intelligent conversation,

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Speaker 1: often the pull or the draw is let me say

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Speaker 1: intelligent things. Let me come up with cool ideas, so

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Speaker 1: that everyone sees how smart I am and looks at

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Speaker 1: how much I have to offer. But truly, asking questions

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Speaker 1: is what helps us grow the most. It's one of

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Speaker 1: the reasons why on this podcast, when I'm sitting down

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Speaker 1: with a guest, I do very little speaking, and there

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Speaker 1: are some really powerful questions you can ask other people

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Speaker 1: and you want to grow prepared. I have this book

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Speaker 1: by Gregory Stock, PhD, called The Book of Questions. Now,

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Speaker 1: of course, the question depends on your level of relationship

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Speaker 1: with someone, but this is one of my favorite questions,

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Speaker 1: especially when I'm getting to know someone better. Do you

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Speaker 1: work harder to earn praise and recognition or to avoid criticism?

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Speaker 1: Such a fascinating question. Do you work harder to earn

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Speaker 1: praise and recognition or to avoid criticism? Right? Another question

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Speaker 1: that I absolutely love is a question that I remember

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Speaker 1: Will Smith mentioning to me. That is Sun once asked

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Speaker 1: him Trey, the question is what do you worship? I

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Speaker 1: think this is such a beautiful question. What do you worship? Nor?

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Speaker 1: What do you value? What do you worship? What do

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Speaker 1: you obsess over? What are you devoted to? It's a

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Speaker 1: fascinating question. Now, of course you want to make your

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Speaker 1: questions are based on the type of conversation you're having.

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Speaker 1: But you don't have to ask a question knowing about

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Speaker 1: what's being spoken about. Your question is something that you

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Speaker 1: prepare beforehand to be around that theme. If you're at

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Speaker 1: a conference, if you're in a meeting, if you're in

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Speaker 1: a group of people, ask a question. Not only will

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Speaker 1: you become smarter, you will also be perceived as smarter

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Speaker 1: because you're taking interest in You're being curious. See, smarts

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Speaker 1: are not only shown through intellect and knowledge. Smarts are

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Speaker 1: also shown through curiosity and intrigue. And I think we

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Speaker 1: need to broaden our understanding of what it truly means

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Speaker 1: to be a smart individual. The final thing I want

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Speaker 1: to share with you is this beautiful quote from Eleanor Roosevelt,

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Speaker 1: where she said, great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events.

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Speaker 1: Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt said, great minds discuss ideas.

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Speaker 1: Average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people. What are

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Speaker 1: you discussing If you want to be confident, discuss ideas.

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Speaker 1: If you want to be confident, discuss routines, practices, habits.

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Speaker 1: If you want to be confident, discuss your vulnerabilities. You

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Speaker 1: don't become more confident by discussing your successes. You don't

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Speaker 1: become more confident by discussing your achievements. You become more

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Speaker 1: confident by talking about and working through your vulnerabilities. Notice

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Speaker 1: how counterintuitive that is, but how powerful and how important

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Speaker 1: that is. That's what makes us more competent and strong

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Speaker 1: is being able to discuss our flaws, our challenges in

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Speaker 1: a healthy, productive, effective way. So let us not waste

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Speaker 1: our time just talking about events and people. Let us

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Speaker 1: talk about ideas and see our confidence grow. I want

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Speaker 1: to thank you for listen, listening, for trusting me with

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Speaker 1: your time and energy. I want to thank you for

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Speaker 1: sharing this podcast from your stories, I see each and

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Speaker 1: every one of you posting. I'm always trying to share

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Speaker 1: as many as i can, and I really hope that

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Speaker 1: you feel more confident this week by taking more pride,

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Speaker 1: more gratitude, and more appreciation in your abilities and qualities

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Speaker 1: and watch how your life changes. Thanks for listening to

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Speaker 1: On Purpose. I'll see you next week