Speaker 1: This is the most dramatic podcast ever. And iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 1: Chris Harrison and Lauren Zema, I am hot told on
Speaker 1: turning my mic downs.
Speaker 2: Yeast are hot?
Speaker 1: Is that how we start this?
Speaker 2: Sure?
Speaker 1: Okay, take a compliment.
Speaker 3: Man, He meant hot like the audio was high, which
Speaker 3: is an industry term.
Speaker 2: He needed to adjust his volume.
Speaker 1: So with that, Chris Harrison, Laurn Zema, We're coming to
Speaker 1: you from the home office in Austin, Texas. LZ. What
Speaker 1: are we talking about today?
Speaker 3: I wanted to get into something that has been popping
Speaker 3: up all over my screens as a Real Housewives watcher
Speaker 3: with you, which you kind of also are. Now I've
Speaker 3: gotten you into Salt Lake City in New York.
Speaker 1: Not kind of definitely No, I'm in And.
Speaker 3: This is coming up on both franchises where they often
Speaker 3: get into couples chatter how long is too long to
Speaker 3: not have sex with your partner?
Speaker 1: What has prompted this?
Speaker 3: On Real Housewives of New York it has been a
Speaker 3: multi episode arc. There's a couple, Pavit and Jessel. Povit
Speaker 3: the husband, Jessel the wife. They have not had sex. Now,
Speaker 3: she did have twin babies, but they've not had sex
Speaker 3: since she had her twin babies, and maybe even for
Speaker 3: a while, not when she was pregnant. So basically she's
Speaker 3: telling all the women her and her husband haven't had
Speaker 3: sex in like a year and a half to two years.
Speaker 3: Let's let that sink in a year and a half
Speaker 3: or maybe even two years in a marriage, Okay, no sex.
Speaker 3: And she said nothing else really either, like no oral moments.
Speaker 1: Nothing playing around. So I was going to immediately say,
Speaker 1: you have to break this down into two categories. There
Speaker 1: is how long has it been since you've had sex?
Speaker 1: Have you just had children? Have you not had children?
Speaker 1: Because to me, first of all, those are very different
Speaker 1: answers for very different reasons. Is there on the show
Speaker 1: have they talked about who or why they're not having sex?
Speaker 3: She they definitely say the kids were like kind of
Speaker 3: obviously what spurred this, Like she gave birth and obviously
Speaker 3: physically you can't for a minute, and it seems like
Speaker 3: from there it just kind of got away from them.
Speaker 3: And she says now like they just aren't into it,
Speaker 3: they're just not She says she doesn't feel comfortable and
Speaker 3: all of her friends are kind of telling her, like,
Speaker 3: you just got to do it.
Speaker 2: You just need to like break the seal.
Speaker 1: It's I find this very interesting because I obviously I've
Speaker 1: had kids, I've talked to many parents, and obviously the
Speaker 1: job I have people come up and talk to me
Speaker 1: about this kind of stuff. Once people have had kids.
Speaker 1: There's there's a couple of different reasons that spurs this.
Speaker 1: On number one, like you said, physically, there's reasons that
Speaker 1: medically you're just not having sex right at the beginning.
Speaker 1: Then after that there's an anxiety, sometimes from the woman,
Speaker 1: sometimes from the man. Things have changed, things have shifted,
Speaker 1: things are mentally and emotionally different. So this is something
Speaker 1: that a lot of people deal with. I'm glad we're
Speaker 1: actually talking about this because I think there's a lot
Speaker 1: of people out there that have dealt with this or
Speaker 1: feel this. You're not alone.
Speaker 3: I've also heard from friends of mine that their husbands
Speaker 3: were too afraid to have sex with them while they
Speaker 3: were pregnant. The women wanted to have sex, and the
Speaker 3: husbands were like, I'm way too scared, I'm going.
Speaker 2: To hurt the baby.
Speaker 3: I'm sure doctors tell you that's not a real concern.
Speaker 1: At the risk of way too much TM I that
Speaker 1: I didn't have a problem.
Speaker 2: With okay, so you were fined all right.
Speaker 1: So, and in fact, the doctors will say that is
Speaker 1: if you are ready to give birth, if you're a
Speaker 1: little bit passed.
Speaker 3: To a way. And I remember this episode of Friends,
Speaker 3: Rachel's trying to get Ross to have sex with her
Speaker 3: so she can have the baby.
Speaker 1: A lot of times that will spur.
Speaker 2: If you have just had a baby.
Speaker 3: If you are having a medical issue, your partner should
Speaker 3: support you and sex should not become an issue when
Speaker 3: there's medical and physical concerns at play. Now, it does
Speaker 3: seem to me in this case it's gotten away from them. Yeah,
Speaker 3: the kids are almost two, and a lot of the
Speaker 3: women on the show are saying like they're saying what
Speaker 3: I would say, that physical intimacy is a very important
Speaker 3: part of a relationship. And I don't think there's a
Speaker 3: better solution then you just got to do it. Like
Speaker 3: sometimes I know, even for you or I, you and
Speaker 3: I and look, we don't always talk about our sex life,
Speaker 3: but there are times when, like if we've been traveling
Speaker 3: or we've gotten really busy, I'll say to you, like
Speaker 3: we need to connect lesson and sometimes life just gets
Speaker 3: away from you and you just need to make the
Speaker 3: time to make sure you physically reconnect. And it amazes
Speaker 3: me how that physical connection will spur intimate connection. I
Speaker 3: think a lot of the time, you know, especially for women,
Speaker 3: and I understand this, you need emotional intimacy to have
Speaker 3: physical intimacy. But sometimes almost just pushing through awkwardness and
Speaker 3: forcing and saying let's get physically intimate brings emotional connection back.
Speaker 1: Well, I think you just you said something really early
Speaker 1: on in this episode that I think is very interesting.
Speaker 1: It got away from them. It's gotten away from them,
Speaker 1: and I think, and I don't know these people, but
Speaker 1: at some point somebody needs to stop and start communicating.
Speaker 1: Somebody needs to have that speech or that comment that
Speaker 1: you just had. Babe, this has gotten away from us.
Speaker 1: I miss that intimacy. We need to connect again and
Speaker 1: go have a romantic night, knowing that it's going to
Speaker 1: end up in sex. It's going to go there, and
Speaker 1: like you said, you're going to be you're both going
Speaker 1: to be overthinking it now because it's been so long,
Speaker 1: but you need to push through this. And and again
Speaker 1: I'm not saying, you know, this is the best circumstance
Speaker 1: that we're talking about I'm not saying anyone should push
Speaker 1: through something they're not comfortable with, but in this case,
Speaker 1: you're both going to be overthinking the situation. Especially I
Speaker 1: would say the woman, you've got to be there for her,
Speaker 1: and you've got to get through this moment you have
Speaker 1: to Two years is way too long.
Speaker 3: Well, that's what I was going to ask you, is
Speaker 3: is there ever a situation where a relationship can be
Speaker 3: sexless for that long and still be healthy?
Speaker 2: What do you think?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: No, I don't think so either. I have a friend
Speaker 2: who I thought.
Speaker 1: You were going to say six or eight months, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay.
Speaker 2: You know what, when's the line? What's the thirst?
Speaker 1: Well again again? When when the woman feels fully healthy
Speaker 1: and happy and you can go there again? And you
Speaker 1: know again, things childbirth is very different for every person,
Speaker 1: and so things with your body can be very different.
Speaker 1: So we're trying to paint with a very broad brush.
Speaker 1: I understand there are definitely there's a spectrum here we're
Speaker 1: dealing with. But let's just say all things are normal
Speaker 1: and everybody's back to working shape in that you know,
Speaker 1: you get to that year mark. Okay, is that it? No? No,
Speaker 1: I'm just saying when you get to that year mark,
Speaker 1: you need to start asking questions.
Speaker 2: No, I mean, I think that's longer than I would
Speaker 2: have thought I.
Speaker 1: Would too, But that's where you really started got you
Speaker 1: got to start having that conversation.
Speaker 2: I think you have to have it before that.
Speaker 3: When would everybody start to be like, something's going on here,
Speaker 3: like if it was you or I or if you
Speaker 3: think about your guy friends, maybe you want you need
Speaker 3: to ask them for advice. When would you start saying
Speaker 3: how many weeks or months would it be before you
Speaker 3: when you'd go.
Speaker 2: I'm concerned.
Speaker 1: So here's what I find interesting that if we were
Speaker 1: going down this road, I would have started having this
Speaker 1: conversation already at six months, seven months, eight months, as
Speaker 1: you're going through your checkups and stuff like that, you know,
Speaker 1: even playfully just hey, when you know, when can we
Speaker 1: be together again? Or when can we or is it
Speaker 1: okay if I just do this or do this? And
Speaker 1: so the sexuality and the romance, I would have already
Speaker 1: been having that conversation like just not talking about it,
Speaker 1: letting this get so far down the road.
Speaker 2: That's what is a little I agree.
Speaker 3: And I had a friend who not long ago hadn't
Speaker 3: had sex with her husband in about a year and
Speaker 3: she told me they hadn't talked about it, and that
Speaker 3: kind of blew my mind. I'm like, well, that's more
Speaker 3: than a physical issue. You have a communication issue there,
Speaker 3: because how have you not talked about it? At least
Speaker 3: be talking through it, be trying to figure out what
Speaker 3: the issues are. Even if you haven't been able to
Speaker 3: get to that place of having sex again yet, you
Speaker 3: need to have an open line of communication.
Speaker 2: Now we are giving.
Speaker 3: The context here of being new parents for this couple
Speaker 3: from this show. What if it's just like my friend, Yeah,
Speaker 3: what if it's just sex hasn't happened? Then, as a
Speaker 3: straight male, when does it start to become a thing
Speaker 3: for you? Because I'll tell you, as a woman, I
Speaker 3: would say, we don't have kids. If for us it
Speaker 3: had been I'm going to say three weeks, I'd be like, m.
Speaker 1: I don't think that's unreasonable, that's not crazy. And again,
Speaker 1: you're talking about a couple that's already been intimate, You've
Speaker 1: already had sex, you have a decent sex life, and
Speaker 1: then all of a sudden you just don't what causes
Speaker 1: that dry spell? And again I'm glad we're talking about this,
Speaker 1: because this is something couples go through, and I think
Speaker 1: things just start again using that phrase getting away from people,
Speaker 1: and then everyone just stops talking about it, and you
Speaker 1: don't communicate.
Speaker 3: And I think the longer people are together, the harder
Speaker 3: and the easierness for things to get away from you,
Speaker 3: and the less you prioritize that communication.
Speaker 1: Uork travel things, and then all of a sudden you
Speaker 1: just don't, and then you haven't, and then no one
Speaker 1: stops and just says, hey, I need that or I
Speaker 1: want that, like let's connect again.
Speaker 3: Okay for your I'm going back to this, huh. I'm
Speaker 3: just curious. I'm picking your brain. Yeah, four guys. Generally,
Speaker 3: what do you think that that number would be like
Speaker 3: if you and your guy friends are talking about it.
Speaker 2: Would it be less it'd be like a week?
Speaker 1: No, I think weeks. You know again, all my friends
Speaker 1: are married, they all have kids, and so I think
Speaker 1: they just I get it when they're traveling and driving
Speaker 1: kids around and da da da da dah. You get
Speaker 1: done with dinner and everyone's exhausted and you're.
Speaker 2: On different like drove baseball practice.
Speaker 1: I get that a week can get away from you quickly.
Speaker 1: When you have kids, and when you're any and let's
Speaker 1: just take kids away. When you're just married and you're
Speaker 1: working and you're just exhausted. I get that, But when
Speaker 1: several weeks go by, whether I think most guys will
Speaker 1: be like, okay, I I would like that again. But definitely,
Speaker 1: I think there's there's a conversation that needs to be had,
Speaker 1: like it's not healthy, you need to connect more.
Speaker 3: There's another couple on Real House Sizes of Salt Lake
Speaker 3: City who is dealing a bit with this we're not
Speaker 3: having sex issue. And one thing the guy said Justin
Speaker 3: to Whitney, which makes you think of from Justin to
Speaker 3: to Kelly the movie Sorry American Idol reference. He says
Speaker 3: to her, well, I don't want to always be the
Speaker 3: one initiating sex, and she says, well, I don't feel
Speaker 3: connected to you right now, so I don't feel like
Speaker 3: initiating sex. And the result is it seems they're not
Speaker 3: really having that much sex. I totally hear him and her.
Speaker 3: I think it's important for both people to initiate. I
Speaker 3: think making your partner feel wanted and you feeling wanted,
Speaker 3: that's very important to me. It's it's kind of the
Speaker 3: element of continuing to date your partner can continuing to
Speaker 3: make them feel desired, and you also want to be desired,
Speaker 3: because I think when we don't feel desired and pursued,
Speaker 3: that's when we start to look outside of our relationships.
Speaker 1: Well, I guess you know, even if you know your
Speaker 1: significant other says I don't feel like having sex or
Speaker 1: I'm not I'm not up for tonight or whatever, if
Speaker 1: you know, if you could still express that, say I
Speaker 1: love you, I find you attractive, I want to I
Speaker 1: owe you one, or let's know, I owe you, yeah, like, hey,
Speaker 1: let's you know this weekend or or you know, like
Speaker 1: put put it on the put it on the calendar,
Speaker 1: like and again I get it. Life gets crazy, and
Speaker 1: you know, when you're working five jobs and you're mired
Speaker 1: in debt and all that, yeah, you don't feel so sexy.
Speaker 1: So if you can even plan it out and I
Speaker 1: know that doesn't seem that romantic, but if your significant
Speaker 1: other show's interest that they want that and you're just
Speaker 1: not there mentally and emotionally, if you just say, hey,
Speaker 1: look like let's connect this weekend, well.
Speaker 3: That's so interesting you say that because I've heard people
Speaker 3: say before like I want spontaneity, and scheduling isn't sexy.
Speaker 3: But I was thinking about it the other day because
Speaker 3: as we head into getting married, someone gave me the
Speaker 3: advice treat every date like it's the first date, and
Speaker 3: I was thinking about scheduling. Before you get into a
Speaker 3: long term relationship, everything is scheduled. I feel like I
Speaker 3: have a date next Friday, right we are we have
Speaker 3: you know, I'm meeting this person for coffee. So I
Speaker 3: don't know why we change our opinion. In the beginnings
Speaker 3: of relationships, when sexiness is probably at an all time
Speaker 3: high and sparks are flying, we are scheduled so.
Speaker 1: Much so that even when you really start kind of
Speaker 1: going out and get serious, you start talking about staying
Speaker 1: over at someone's house. You and I used to have
Speaker 1: this conversation should we stay because you were living in
Speaker 1: kind of in the city. I was out in the suburbs. Like, hey, babe,
Speaker 1: after you know, after the date tonight, how about I
Speaker 1: just crashing your place.
Speaker 2: Or so you're you're scheduling.
Speaker 1: That's scheduling. Yeah, that's scheduling. And by the way, you
Speaker 1: know what's fun and sexy anticipation, Yes, talk about it.
Speaker 3: I read the other day a study that people are
Speaker 3: happier when they have something to look forward to.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so let's look forward to.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something. If you tell me that
Speaker 1: I'm going to be looking forward to that tonight or tomorrow,
Speaker 1: what am I thinking about constantly? So it is sexy
Speaker 1: and you can have fun with it and shoot a text,
Speaker 1: leave a note I'm looking forward to tonight or I'm
Speaker 1: looking forward to this weekend. There are ways to connect
Speaker 1: even in your exhaustion, and it does take a little effort.
Speaker 1: And I know at times i've again, I get it,
Speaker 1: you don't feel like it take that extra measure to
Speaker 1: leave that note, to make that to make that noticed.
Speaker 3: Now I have to ask the big question that the
Speaker 3: women are debating on Real Housewives of New.
Speaker 2: York about this couple.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know what's coming.
Speaker 3: They have not had sex in a year and a half. Right,
Speaker 3: some added context, He has been the husband has been
Speaker 3: taking trips to Vietnam, multiple trips to Vietnam, and he
Speaker 3: goes for a day and then comes back. He says
Speaker 3: it's to accrue airline miles. But all the other women,
Speaker 3: all the other cast members on the show are very
Speaker 3: suspicious of this. And are posing the question is he cheating?
Speaker 3: And are asking any situation where you haven't had sex
Speaker 3: in a year and a half will cheating happen? Is
Speaker 3: that almost a guarantee? And when there's no sex on
Speaker 3: the horizon, will there be cheating? And would that be
Speaker 3: justified if your partner wouldn't have sex with you for
Speaker 3: a year and a half.
Speaker 1: I don't know this dude, so I'm not going to
Speaker 1: back the bus over him because I know nothing about him.
Speaker 1: But if you just came to me with this random
Speaker 1: story that this person has not had sex in almost
Speaker 1: two years and they take random, not business trips, random
Speaker 1: solo trips to Vietnam?
Speaker 3: Is the airline mile akruage not enough of a justification team.
Speaker 1: Why isn't he flying to Europe? Why isn't he going
Speaker 1: to Canada? Why isn't he going to Poughkeepsie? Why is
Speaker 1: he going to Vietnam?
Speaker 2: It's a confusing thing.
Speaker 3: He says something about how he had bought a ticket
Speaker 3: to Vietnam before COVID.
Speaker 2: Yeah, now he's got it.
Speaker 3: I feel like I want to call that guy, the
Speaker 3: points guy who tells you about your list.
Speaker 1: I know that raised. Yeah, I get the red flags,
Speaker 1: and I get the radar going up, especially for these
Speaker 1: women to be like, hey girl, because I do think
Speaker 1: it's fair not to assume, but to think about if
Speaker 1: it's been a year and a half and he's not
Speaker 1: getting it from you, or vice versa, she's not getting
Speaker 1: it from you, you're probably gonna seek it at some
Speaker 1: point elsewhere. You're gonna seek that connection because it's needed,
Speaker 1: it's wanted, and you know he's not dead, she's not dead.
Speaker 1: And by the way, I'm shocked she's not seeking it
Speaker 1: elsewhere at this point.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna say straight up and again, I hope this
Speaker 3: isn't true for these two's marriage, but I think if
Speaker 3: you haven't, if you've been trying to have sex with
Speaker 3: your partner and you haven't had sex and he year
Speaker 3: and a half, I wouldn't even blame you for cheating
Speaker 3: at that point.
Speaker 1: I don't know why they're your partner. They're not. They're
Speaker 1: not your partner. That's your roommate, right.
Speaker 2: We all need physical affection.
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's that study that says you need eight hugs
Speaker 3: a day, you need to have sex in a year
Speaker 3: and a half of your life.
Speaker 2: Like, guess that's that's not love.
Speaker 3: That's not romance, that's not intimate connection. And you know,
Speaker 3: I mean, on the one hand, whatever works for them.
Speaker 3: But on the other hand, I'm just saying, if you
Speaker 3: just took these facts a year and a half of
Speaker 3: no sex in any relationship, I wouldn't I wouldn't blame
Speaker 3: a person if I found out they were cheating.
Speaker 1: Sex is a funny thing. It's the connection, the physical activity,
Speaker 1: because it really does run the gamut. And we all
Speaker 1: have friends. There is the you know, sexually active couple
Speaker 1: that's like maybe every day, every other whatever, however many
Speaker 1: times a week. And then your friends that hear that say,
Speaker 1: oh my god, what we don't even do it once
Speaker 1: a week, We do it every other week or whatever
Speaker 1: because we're so busy or we just don't. And then
Speaker 1: there's the guy that talks about the wife that just well,
Speaker 1: I don't know, it's on major holidays or big events
Speaker 1: like birthdays or anniversaries, and that's about it. So there
Speaker 1: really is this massive spectrum in the intimacy department when
Speaker 1: it comes to couples. I think it's a fascinating topic
Speaker 1: because there are so many different opinions and there's so
Speaker 1: many different lifestyles.
Speaker 3: But the advice I will give is, if you're not
Speaker 3: having sex for a year.
Speaker 1: And a half, yeah there's a problem.
Speaker 2: I think you have a I think you should be suspicious.
Speaker 2: I would be. It's a red flag to me, straight up.
Speaker 1: So especially if it's been a year and a half
Speaker 1: and he's not knocking down the door or vice versa,
Speaker 1: you're not either. And by the way, if it's been
Speaker 1: a year and a half and you're content and you're like,
Speaker 1: I don't really care, then there's a problem with your relationship.
Speaker 1: You're missing a huge key component to that relationship. This
Speaker 1: person essentially is just a really good friend of yours.
Speaker 2: Let me blow your mind.
Speaker 3: This couple has said that they started off as friends
Speaker 3: and actually even as platonic roommates before then becoming.
Speaker 1: Okay, well you know what. That makes sense though.
Speaker 2: Maybe they're back in roommates in roommate mode.
Speaker 1: Then they've fallen back into something that's very comfortable for them,
Speaker 1: which is their original recipe. They're great roommates, they're good friends.
Speaker 1: They know how to cohabitate together and get along together.
Speaker 1: That's very interesting that that door has been opened and
Speaker 1: now they've just gone back to what's comfortable. They're gonna
Speaker 1: have to shake that tree. They're gonna have to shake
Speaker 1: it up to get back to where they want to be.
Speaker 1: If that's where they want to be. It sounds like
Speaker 1: maybe they're fine with this, and maybe there's an arrangement.
Speaker 1: There's also a lot of arrangements out there that people
Speaker 1: don't know about.
Speaker 3: Oh gosh, I feel like I'm we we should bring
Speaker 3: on some people in situations like this. They can even
Speaker 3: remain anonymous. I'm so fascinated to learn about. Like, you know,
Speaker 3: we all grow up with this idea of what a
Speaker 3: relationship is supposed to be, but there are a lot
Speaker 3: of subtleties and a lot of things going on behind
Speaker 3: closed doors. And you know what, it's also a good
Speaker 3: lesson and we get the advice a lot of start
Speaker 3: out as friends, but make sure you don't go back
Speaker 3: to being friends.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I say, I mean start out with friends as friends,
Speaker 1: which you and I did, but passionate, we always had
Speaker 1: the chemistry. That it factor was always there.
Speaker 2: Clearly started at his friends.
Speaker 1: No, it was you. No, I would say that we
Speaker 1: were friendly. Well that first date, I think we we
Speaker 1: conversed very well. The second day we so.
Speaker 2: For one date. We were friends.
Speaker 1: We've always we've always been able to talk no matter what,
Speaker 1: We've always been able to talk and connect in that level.
Speaker 1: But I agree that you know there are and we
Speaker 1: can bring people on anonymously because there's a lot of
Speaker 1: just arrangements out there where people just want to be
Speaker 1: married or want to have that significant other and maybe
Speaker 1: it's just a travel, maybe it's whatever, and you can
Speaker 1: go do your thing and I'll do mine.
Speaker 3: Well. If you all have an arrangement, an arrangement that
Speaker 3: works for you, please send a message to at the
Speaker 3: most dramatic pod ever.
Speaker 2: You will remain.
Speaker 3: Anonymous if you ask to do so, we promise, and
Speaker 3: also please dms and let us know what you think
Speaker 3: I might be thinking about this wrong. I might get
Speaker 3: a lot of dms about the fact that I just
Speaker 3: said a year and a half with no sex gives
Speaker 3: you justification a cheat, but I stand by it and
Speaker 3: also wishing all the best to this couple. I hope
Speaker 3: we see them break the seal on this season of
Speaker 3: your size of New York City.
Speaker 1: The cameras will be rolling, and I think the takeaway
Speaker 1: for me as always the communication if you are not
Speaker 1: getting what you need in your relationship. Speak up. If
Speaker 1: it's sex, if it's intimacy, speak up, and again, don't
Speaker 1: be so angry about it that you know it's the
Speaker 1: way you approach it. And again, don't be afraid to
Speaker 1: schedule it out, plan it out. It's fine. It can
Speaker 1: be sexy, and it can be fun. We wish you
Speaker 1: the best, and we wish you all amazing intimacy and
Speaker 1: sex in your life.
Speaker 2: Ooh, what an.
Speaker 1: Ending, but we do appreciate it. We love opening up
Speaker 1: the playbook, We love talking to you each and every time,
Speaker 1: and we'll do it again next time because we have
Speaker 1: a lot more to talk about. Thanks for listening. Follow
Speaker 1: us on Instagram at the most dramatic pod ever, and
Speaker 1: make sure to write us a review and leave us
Speaker 1: five stars. I'll talk to you next time.