WEBVTT - Pete & Val Holmes: Psychedelics, Trauma & Hand in Hand Parenting 0:00:02.720 --> 0:00:05.560 Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda land Audio 0:00:05.680 --> 0:00:08.960 in partnership with I Heart Radio. To me, labor and 0:00:09.039 --> 0:00:16.319 pregnancy and childbirth is like booches and dust getting kicked 0:00:16.400 --> 0:00:19.120 up by a sacred dance and you have like shakers 0:00:19.120 --> 0:00:32.840 on you. That's like the real ish, its actually happening. Hi, everybody, 0:00:32.880 --> 0:00:36.040 and welcome back to Katie's Crib. I am so excited 0:00:36.080 --> 0:00:39.440 for today's episode because we have a guy on the podcast. People, 0:00:39.560 --> 0:00:44.400 We've got a guy on the podcast Father's Day celebrations, 0:00:44.520 --> 0:00:46.960 all of that. Although he's not really into Father's Day. 0:00:47.280 --> 0:00:51.159 You will know him probably before we are on the 0:00:51.200 --> 0:00:54.720 air together as TV husband and wife because I get 0:00:54.760 --> 0:00:58.960 to play his wife Jen Smallwood to his Tom's Smallwood. 0:00:59.000 --> 0:01:02.960 The one and only comedian, writer, actor, cartoonist podcast host 0:01:03.120 --> 0:01:07.319 Pete Holmes. His podcast is called You Made It Weird 0:01:07.360 --> 0:01:10.039 and it's a comedic exploration of the meaning of life. 0:01:10.040 --> 0:01:12.880 And on Fridays it's called We Made It Weird because 0:01:13.240 --> 0:01:16.319 it's a podcast with him and his wife, Valerie Holmes. 0:01:16.959 --> 0:01:19.560 I get to have both of them on the podcast 0:01:19.600 --> 0:01:24.920 today and we're talking all about their incredible daughter, Leela Jane, 0:01:25.240 --> 0:01:27.839 and we really get into it, guys. We get into 0:01:27.840 --> 0:01:31.600 the meaning of life, labor and pregnancy and postpartum and 0:01:32.080 --> 0:01:36.319 all of that, but we really get into the transformational 0:01:36.400 --> 0:01:40.639 shift that happens because of getting to be a parent. 0:01:41.280 --> 0:01:45.080 So here they are the amazing Pete Holmes, who created 0:01:45.160 --> 0:01:48.400 and started the semi autobiographical HBO show Crashing. You might 0:01:48.440 --> 0:01:51.720 know him because he executive produced it alongside Judd Apataw. 0:01:52.280 --> 0:01:55.080 He's hugely accomplished when it comes up to stand up, 0:01:55.520 --> 0:01:59.080 three hour long television specials, late night appearances. He tours 0:01:59.160 --> 0:02:02.440 regularly as old out crowds. Again, you're going to catch 0:02:02.520 --> 0:02:05.840 him very soon on CBS because we co start together 0:02:05.960 --> 0:02:11.200 on Smallwood. And his wife, Valerie Holmes. Val She's incredible. 0:02:11.280 --> 0:02:14.440 She's a mindfulness coach, and she is someone who I 0:02:14.480 --> 0:02:17.359 just want to be like my best friend. Starting yesterday, 0:02:17.480 --> 0:02:21.440 Welcome to Katie's Crib, Vale and Pete. I'm gonna be 0:02:21.480 --> 0:02:23.360 honest Pete Holmes, which I'm always only going to call 0:02:23.400 --> 0:02:25.640 you by your whole name. We even we don't have 0:02:25.760 --> 0:02:29.760 dudes on this show, like you're barely having one today. 0:02:31.240 --> 0:02:36.680 He's a great gateway dude. Yes, I feel really excited 0:02:36.720 --> 0:02:38.919 about this and I think it will be Father's Day, 0:02:38.960 --> 0:02:41.520 so we can talk about if that means anything to you, 0:02:41.639 --> 0:02:43.920 if you guys have any plans. But I was like, 0:02:43.960 --> 0:02:46.800 we're going to make the exception for Pete Holmes. Um, 0:02:47.200 --> 0:02:50.440 I'll throw you a quick No, it doesn't mean anything 0:02:50.480 --> 0:02:55.360 to you. Everything, Katie in society, that's that's built to 0:02:55.639 --> 0:03:04.280 give people attention, Karaoke, Halloween, birthdays, Father's Day is completely 0:03:04.720 --> 0:03:10.360 null for someone whose job is getting attention. So I 0:03:10.400 --> 0:03:15.800 would be I'm already associopath. I go on stage, I 0:03:15.800 --> 0:03:18.680 did a show last night, and they clap for me 0:03:18.880 --> 0:03:23.320 before I've done anything that does something to your psyche. 0:03:23.560 --> 0:03:27.200 It's I guess I've arrived. I'm here, I drove here, 0:03:27.200 --> 0:03:32.079 and everyone loves you already crazy is my brain goes, 0:03:32.400 --> 0:03:36.400 this is right, this is right. So like if there's 0:03:36.520 --> 0:03:40.560 anything we can turn the volume down on the specialness dial, 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:45.480 uh it is thing now. For Mother's Day, we did 0:03:46.240 --> 0:03:49.960 nice things. We had pancakes and all those things. But 0:03:50.120 --> 0:03:52.000 I don't I'm not saying I don't need it. I'm 0:03:52.000 --> 0:03:56.640 saying I'm already flush in that category. So on Father's Day, 0:03:57.080 --> 0:03:59.480 all I ever want to do for Father's Day, Birthday, 0:03:59.520 --> 0:04:01.160 all those two it's the things that just kind of 0:04:01.200 --> 0:04:04.200 relax and hang out and just be home with everybody 0:04:04.240 --> 0:04:07.840 and chill. So val, do you already know this about 0:04:07.840 --> 0:04:10.120 your husband or do you go behind his back and 0:04:10.160 --> 0:04:12.400 do anything anyway or you're like no, no, no, no, 0:04:12.640 --> 0:04:15.119 I I know that about him, and I it's it's 0:04:15.160 --> 0:04:18.800 really nice on my ends, like I just have to well, 0:04:18.839 --> 0:04:21.560 you're that way too, Like I didn't get you anything 0:04:21.560 --> 0:04:25.000 from mother's right not to put it down. But if 0:04:25.040 --> 0:04:27.719 I was like I have to get her a gold 0:04:27.800 --> 0:04:31.240 heart necklace or she won't know that I love her, 0:04:32.000 --> 0:04:36.320 then I'm not. Now I really sound on my high horse, 0:04:36.400 --> 0:04:38.640 but then I'm not doing a good God, I don't 0:04:38.680 --> 0:04:41.400 understand and and and it is the hallmark of it 0:04:41.440 --> 0:04:43.840 all also like there's something that it makes it you 0:04:43.920 --> 0:04:47.680 highlight other days as being shitty, like like I used 0:04:47.680 --> 0:04:51.200 to get upset where I was like, I'm confused why 0:04:51.320 --> 0:04:53.960 my husband only opens up the door for me, and 0:04:54.000 --> 0:04:55.640 look like not that that means anything, but it's like 0:04:56.040 --> 0:04:59.159 on a special day, it's sort of highlights like oh 0:04:59.200 --> 0:05:00.400 that he doesn't do it all the time. And then 0:05:00.440 --> 0:05:01.640 I was like, oh, I don't give a ship that 0:05:01.680 --> 0:05:04.080 he ever does that. For me. Plus, we're both taking 0:05:04.120 --> 0:05:08.760 care of Leela, right, We're in this together, we co parent, 0:05:09.040 --> 0:05:12.320 we're in it together. And if I have a special day, 0:05:12.760 --> 0:05:14.800 maybe I'm the one that doesn't get up with the baby. 0:05:14.880 --> 0:05:18.039 And then that's pretty much in the morning. Maybe that's 0:05:18.080 --> 0:05:22.640 the end of it. Yeah, actually is you're reminding me 0:05:22.720 --> 0:05:25.599 that for Mother's Day you got up with her two 0:05:25.640 --> 0:05:29.000 days in a row, and that's like the best gift ever, 0:05:29.360 --> 0:05:32.960 because two days in a row sleep, it's so much 0:05:33.040 --> 0:05:35.720 better that one. Yeah. I've actually heard I think from 0:05:35.720 --> 0:05:38.440 a therapist that when I was like I was losing 0:05:38.480 --> 0:05:40.400 my mind after so and she was like, no, no, no, 0:05:40.480 --> 0:05:44.680 just getting one night of sleep without breastfeeding isn't like enough. 0:05:44.760 --> 0:05:46.560 I think you have to log like two nights in 0:05:46.560 --> 0:05:50.040 a row and now we're cooking with gas. Did you 0:05:50.080 --> 0:05:53.440 guys always know you were going to be parents? Did 0:05:53.440 --> 0:05:57.200 you always want to be a mom? That? Yeah, most 0:05:57.240 --> 0:05:59.000 of the time. There was a There was like a 0:05:59.040 --> 0:06:02.160 period of time in my twenties where I was like, 0:06:02.320 --> 0:06:04.920 maybe I don't maybe I could just party all the time. 0:06:05.600 --> 0:06:09.480 And then you know, like by nine I was totally 0:06:09.560 --> 0:06:13.600 exhausted and was like thinking about a family again. But 0:06:13.760 --> 0:06:16.560 I feel like when we first started dating, it was 0:06:16.720 --> 0:06:19.680 just very much like maybe we'll be one of those 0:06:19.680 --> 0:06:24.160 couples that just always travels and doesn't have kids and uh. 0:06:24.200 --> 0:06:27.440 And then we bought this house and we were like, 0:06:27.520 --> 0:06:31.480 there's two perfect little upstairs rooms for like two kids. 0:06:32.040 --> 0:06:34.240 And then we just started kind of talking about it 0:06:34.279 --> 0:06:37.679 more and more. Before that, even when we saw the house, 0:06:37.720 --> 0:06:40.599 we have a very cozy it's not modern. It's like 0:06:40.600 --> 0:06:46.440 what a kid would draw, if you like draw a house. Yes, 0:06:46.680 --> 0:06:49.920 a rectangle with a triangle on top, with a fute 0:06:49.920 --> 0:06:52.240 door and a little walk way up to it. There's 0:06:52.279 --> 0:06:58.120 like a flower with dolow blocks. And I remember looking 0:06:58.120 --> 0:07:00.400 at it and going, this is where you raise a family. 0:07:00.800 --> 0:07:03.160 They're like the houses that are like and we love 0:07:03.200 --> 0:07:05.320 these houses. We airbnb in a house like this all 0:07:05.320 --> 0:07:08.560 the time. You know, the heated floors and the white 0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:11.760 granite countertops and all that stuff. Everything's sleek and sharp, 0:07:12.240 --> 0:07:14.800 a lot of things for a kid to bunk into. 0:07:14.880 --> 0:07:17.360 And we stayed in a place with a hard cement 0:07:17.440 --> 0:07:21.680 floor and Leela fell backwards and bopped her head. No, 0:07:21.960 --> 0:07:24.280 that's not hoose for that's not a house for building 0:07:24.280 --> 0:07:26.680 a family. That's why you should see our couch now. 0:07:26.680 --> 0:07:29.680 Our couches just permise stained. Valmy not like that. I'm 0:07:29.680 --> 0:07:32.440 sharing that, I'm making peace with it. It was, yeah, 0:07:32.600 --> 0:07:34.840 we gotta let it all go, guys. I just for 0:07:34.880 --> 0:07:38.040 the first time, we just had someone come and steam 0:07:38.080 --> 0:07:45.400 clean our couch. Biggest, stupidest guess what, sparkly blue silly putty. 0:07:45.760 --> 0:07:48.280 It just fus your couch up and it's never coming out. 0:07:48.360 --> 0:07:53.920 It's just I mean there are huge electric blue glittery 0:07:53.960 --> 0:07:56.040 stains or whatever. And you know what my dad, My 0:07:56.080 --> 0:07:59.400 dad was like, just mess it all up. It's a monument. 0:08:00.240 --> 0:08:03.680 It's the kids being safe and bye bye to the 0:08:03.680 --> 0:08:08.000 white couch. But that's it's it's American beauty. You remember 0:08:08.080 --> 0:08:10.400 Kevin Spacey's going to spill the beer on the couch 0:08:10.440 --> 0:08:12.400 and he's trying to kiss his wife and she goes 0:08:12.440 --> 0:08:15.600 the couch and he's like, it's just a couch. That's 0:08:15.640 --> 0:08:18.920 just my style. One of our parenting things is like 0:08:19.280 --> 0:08:24.480 the baby is almost always right, meaning you're in the bathtub, 0:08:24.840 --> 0:08:29.240 she's splashing and I catch myself getting tight and I 0:08:29.280 --> 0:08:34.200 wanted to stop. And then whenever you just really look 0:08:34.240 --> 0:08:37.840 at it and say, like, what's really going on and 0:08:38.000 --> 0:08:41.240 kind of step aside from the role of parent. You know, 0:08:41.360 --> 0:08:44.119 you start almost like you're reading lines in a play. 0:08:44.160 --> 0:08:47.280 I'm supposed to tell you to stop splashing. Um And 0:08:47.360 --> 0:08:49.360 at a certain point I wouldn't let her. I wouldn't 0:08:49.360 --> 0:08:51.400 want her to drench me because you could that's legit. 0:08:51.480 --> 0:08:53.160 You could be like, oh, that makes me sad, I 0:08:53.160 --> 0:08:55.920 have to change my clothes. But she's just splashing and 0:08:55.920 --> 0:08:59.160 it's getting a little bit on the floor and I'm like, baby, 0:08:59.160 --> 0:09:05.400 stop Just is that's not normal grown up for me? 0:09:05.880 --> 0:09:08.080 I do this all the time where it's like your 0:09:08.160 --> 0:09:10.160 kid wants to splash, Like I don't know a kid 0:09:10.200 --> 0:09:12.240 that doesn't want to splash, Like why is why have 0:09:12.360 --> 0:09:16.080 we put that splashing? The floor is tile, and the 0:09:16.120 --> 0:09:19.240 reason the floor is tile is because it can get wet. 0:09:19.679 --> 0:09:23.360 So you just have this like you just get to go. 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:26.720 You're right, life is joyful and that's what we love 0:09:26.720 --> 0:09:29.640 about kids. They're so free were I'm certainly not giving 0:09:29.679 --> 0:09:31.840 a tip, but something that was helpful for me was 0:09:31.920 --> 0:09:36.600 just going to give a tip. Here's a tip. Was 0:09:36.720 --> 0:09:39.240 just like looking at the child sort of like as 0:09:39.480 --> 0:09:44.240 a legitimate and dignified member of reality, not somebody that 0:09:44.320 --> 0:09:47.520 I have to like constantly be sculpting that we hear 0:09:47.559 --> 0:09:49.080 all the time. It's like, what can I learn from you? 0:09:49.559 --> 0:09:53.959 Just going like why am I stopping her from coloring 0:09:54.320 --> 0:09:57.360 on my books? All of my books have crayons and 0:09:57.400 --> 0:09:59.800 them who cares? You can still read him. One of 0:09:59.800 --> 0:10:01.839 my teachers was like, you know what, like a pen 0:10:02.440 --> 0:10:05.160 really isn't a great toy for like a two year old. 0:10:05.600 --> 0:10:08.800 He drew all over the table and I was like, okay, 0:10:08.960 --> 0:10:10.760 I could lose my ship that he drew all over 0:10:10.800 --> 0:10:12.800 the table. By the way, again, this table is a 0:10:12.800 --> 0:10:15.360 piece of ship whatever from my keya hundred years ago. 0:10:15.400 --> 0:10:18.440 It's who cares? But the problem was that I gave 0:10:18.520 --> 0:10:20.440 him the pen, and you know what I mean, it's 0:10:20.480 --> 0:10:24.880 not him. I'm like, why am I giving a pen? Yeah, 0:10:25.040 --> 0:10:27.800 like I could give him They make ship for kids 0:10:27.840 --> 0:10:29.960 now that's like they could draw all over and it 0:10:30.000 --> 0:10:34.800 comes right off like I gave him an adult pen. Okay, um. 0:10:34.840 --> 0:10:36.520 I want to hear two things. When you found out 0:10:36.559 --> 0:10:42.240 you were pregnant, what did you both feel and how 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:47.880 was the pregnancy for you? So we knew we wanted 0:10:47.920 --> 0:10:52.280 to have kids early on, before we even really were married, 0:10:52.400 --> 0:10:56.719 and then the we first started trying, like on our honeymoon, 0:10:57.520 --> 0:11:00.480 and I'm really lucky that like we got mint. We 0:11:00.600 --> 0:11:03.880 tried three months, you know, and like the third try 0:11:03.920 --> 0:11:06.600 we got pregnant. So we got pregnant pretty fast, wonder 0:11:06.679 --> 0:11:10.560 but it was so like training for parenting and how 0:11:10.600 --> 0:11:15.160 like nothing goes how you expected to go. Meaning even 0:11:15.160 --> 0:11:16.680 though it was only three months, it was it was 0:11:16.720 --> 0:11:21.400 already hard on uh Val. Not to sound like I'm 0:11:21.520 --> 0:11:23.640 I'm so easy breezy, but it was less hard on me. 0:11:23.720 --> 0:11:27.200 I was excited, but I think Val was really as 0:11:27.280 --> 0:11:29.440 as I'm glad. You were like ingesting it and being 0:11:29.440 --> 0:11:31.680 like this is it. It's happening. And then you're the 0:11:31.679 --> 0:11:34.200 one that gets the period. You get the news, you 0:11:34.240 --> 0:11:36.440 know what I mean, and you're like, yeah, so like 0:11:36.520 --> 0:11:38.920 you feel like it's something wrong, and it's just in 0:11:39.080 --> 0:11:41.360 us as women, it's awful, but also as people who 0:11:41.360 --> 0:11:43.920 have been careful your whole life. Suddenly you're having unprotected 0:11:44.520 --> 0:11:47.240 leave the greeto in the oven kind of sex and 0:11:47.280 --> 0:11:51.120 you're like, we're gonna get pregnant immediately, and then you're like, 0:11:51.480 --> 0:11:54.040 oh my god, I was being way too careful. That's 0:11:54.080 --> 0:11:57.760 a joke by the way you can get pregnant on 0:11:58.080 --> 0:12:03.160 one try. But then are you remembering we know when 0:12:03.200 --> 0:12:08.000 we yeah? Yeah, so then we we I knew Like 0:12:08.200 --> 0:12:13.120 when no I just was using the copulation, we tried 0:12:13.160 --> 0:12:18.000 to do it minimum amount those ovulation sticks. We did 0:12:18.000 --> 0:12:19.800 the same thing. It was amazing. I feel like you 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:22.880 and I are very connected. But once I decided that 0:12:22.920 --> 0:12:25.200 I was right I wanted to get pregnant, I was 0:12:25.320 --> 0:12:29.720 so fucking piste like when it didn't work out, which 0:12:29.720 --> 0:12:32.640 is what I understand. Like if you're at all, uh, 0:12:33.280 --> 0:12:35.640 you know, an overachiever, and all of a sudden you're like, 0:12:35.679 --> 0:12:38.080 I've made the decision to work really hard at getting pregnant, 0:12:38.520 --> 0:12:42.920 and now, oh, it's not happening. So the three months 0:12:43.000 --> 0:12:45.960 feel really long. And I think it's really relatable for 0:12:45.960 --> 0:12:48.079 people listening because you immediately go to I'm going to 0:12:48.160 --> 0:12:49.480 be one of those people. I'm going to be one 0:12:49.480 --> 0:12:52.559 of those people that it's impossible, where your brain is 0:12:52.600 --> 0:12:55.040 already going to IVF like you're already like something's wrong, 0:12:55.080 --> 0:12:58.840 something's wrong, something's wrong. Yet absolutely that's so true. And 0:12:58.880 --> 0:13:02.920 the waiting, there's so much waiting because you're like you're 0:13:02.960 --> 0:13:06.079 waiting until you ovulate and then you're waiting two more 0:13:06.120 --> 0:13:07.920 weeks to see if you get your period, and those 0:13:07.960 --> 0:13:11.200 two weeks feel so long. And every time I was 0:13:11.240 --> 0:13:13.760 like hungry, I was like, maybe I'm pregnant because I'm 0:13:13.800 --> 0:13:18.319 so hungry. That was just your That was just emotions. 0:13:18.360 --> 0:13:21.040 But who knows. Okay, so tell me that you guys 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:23.800 like know when you can see. Yeah, So we use 0:13:24.200 --> 0:13:26.880 ovulation stick and we I do feel like this is 0:13:26.920 --> 0:13:38.200 significant with oh my god, pick more good mood. Don't 0:13:38.240 --> 0:13:42.920 look at you can only come out two hours every month. Um. 0:13:45.120 --> 0:13:48.960 But we cleared out the room that was gonna be 0:13:49.000 --> 0:13:52.239 the baby room. We like it was a jump room. 0:13:52.559 --> 0:13:54.080 And it was New Year's Eve and I was like, 0:13:54.080 --> 0:13:56.520 we're starting this new year. We're making this space for 0:13:56.559 --> 0:13:59.760 the baby. And I was ovulating. We obviously didn't know 0:13:59.800 --> 0:14:02.000 that it I was pregnant. Then what we did kind 0:14:02.000 --> 0:14:04.520 of try to conceive, and we had made plans to 0:14:04.760 --> 0:14:09.959 on New Year's Day. But you're what, you're skipping skipping what? Okay? 0:14:10.160 --> 0:14:12.440 We usually have sex during the day, Like I just 0:14:12.520 --> 0:14:16.800 like day sex. This is the detail I'm interrupting. I don't. 0:14:17.360 --> 0:14:19.920 I like to help people feel less alone. And I'm 0:14:19.920 --> 0:14:23.120 a person who at night. I like to unwind, but 0:14:23.240 --> 0:14:25.680 we would have sex on light at night for like 0:14:25.800 --> 0:14:29.320 date nights, like because that's very sexy to get dressed 0:14:29.400 --> 0:14:31.000 up and go on a date. And that's what happened 0:14:31.240 --> 0:14:33.800 is it was New Year's Eve. Yeah, and we dressed 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:35.840 up and we went to this party and then we 0:14:35.880 --> 0:14:38.720 had sex that night and that's when we conceived. So 0:14:38.760 --> 0:14:41.680 it was all the other attempts had been day sex 0:14:41.680 --> 0:14:44.840 attempts or afternoon sex attempts, and now we're doing it 0:14:44.960 --> 0:14:47.600 like one in the morning. So funny to me that 0:14:47.680 --> 0:14:51.040 I'm like trying to give the key details to make 0:14:51.040 --> 0:14:53.600 this story quick, and you're talking so much about how 0:14:53.600 --> 0:14:57.720 we had sex at night instead of during the day. 0:14:57.760 --> 0:15:02.120 So yeah, but it's so great. I'm contributing people turn 0:15:02.240 --> 0:15:07.240 in for those juicy one am unwined sex because what 0:15:07.280 --> 0:15:11.120 were you doing? I was? We weren't. It was New 0:15:11.240 --> 0:15:13.080 Year's it was New Year's Eve, so we went to 0:15:13.120 --> 0:15:16.200 the party. And time is different on New Year's Eve. 0:15:16.280 --> 0:15:19.280 For whatever reason, it's like a very time is weird. 0:15:19.320 --> 0:15:25.280 It's either because we knew it was that time. I 0:15:25.320 --> 0:15:27.960 think I'm pretty sure yes it was. We knew that, 0:15:28.000 --> 0:15:31.600 but we didn't know obviously that day that it had taken, 0:15:32.200 --> 0:15:35.080 so we had made plans for the next day to 0:15:35.240 --> 0:15:43.000 do mushrooms us together, and I had had like good 0:15:43.000 --> 0:15:47.120 experiences only exclusively with that, but for a lot of 0:15:47.120 --> 0:15:50.000 reasons and theories that I have, this was like a 0:15:50.120 --> 0:15:52.840 very bad trip. I don't know if it was the 0:15:52.880 --> 0:15:56.000 mushroom trip. I actually think it was like the spark 0:15:56.120 --> 0:15:58.200 of life that was happening in me. Like I like 0:15:58.280 --> 0:16:01.120 to think that Leela was like this light that just 0:16:01.200 --> 0:16:04.640 kind of shone in my light, my body and like 0:16:04.840 --> 0:16:07.240 shown all of this like trauma that I was holding 0:16:07.280 --> 0:16:10.040 that I didn't know I had. It's like that trip 0:16:10.120 --> 0:16:13.920 like reignited a trauma which then I was flooded with 0:16:13.960 --> 0:16:16.640 and incapable of dealing with, which kind of created its 0:16:16.680 --> 0:16:21.280 own trauma. So then in the following weeks, I was 0:16:21.360 --> 0:16:26.440 having like six hour panic attacks every day, followed by 0:16:26.520 --> 0:16:29.800 like the deepest, darkest depression where I felt like I 0:16:29.840 --> 0:16:33.400 was having the bad trip again. Um, but I wasn't 0:16:33.400 --> 0:16:37.240 on anything, and I was so scared because I've never 0:16:37.280 --> 0:16:41.240 dealt with anything like that, and and like nobody brought 0:16:41.360 --> 0:16:44.960 up trauma or PTSD or anything, So all I thought 0:16:45.080 --> 0:16:48.680 was I broke my brain with drugs and I might 0:16:48.720 --> 0:16:51.600 be pregnant, and it was truly the darkest time in 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:55.200 my life, just the time before finding out that was like, yeah, 0:16:55.240 --> 0:16:57.960 in the two weeks between conception and now, that has 0:16:58.040 --> 0:17:00.480 to have been from that trip. It has do right, 0:17:01.160 --> 0:17:03.560 it was the trip. If I agree with your diagnosis 0:17:03.560 --> 0:17:08.040 that the trip opened up things, you know what I'm saying, Like, 0:17:08.080 --> 0:17:11.159 I don't want to say it wasn't the drugs. The 0:17:11.280 --> 0:17:15.760 drugs reacted to something that was repressed inside of her 0:17:16.160 --> 0:17:19.719 that did need to be cleansed. Again, mushrooms aren't for everybody, 0:17:19.720 --> 0:17:21.120 I don't. I don't mean to say that they don't 0:17:21.160 --> 0:17:24.840 sometimes have terrible consequences. They absolutely can. But in this case, 0:17:24.880 --> 0:17:27.800 I'm like, you sort of see how they are these 0:17:27.880 --> 0:17:31.360 sacred medicines that are like, Okay, you're about to do this, well, 0:17:31.400 --> 0:17:33.160 we're gonna look in the box that you don't want 0:17:33.160 --> 0:17:36.800 to look in. That being said, it was really rough. Yeah, 0:17:36.840 --> 0:17:39.920 and I actually had like I see this healer, raiky woman, 0:17:39.960 --> 0:17:42.240 and she was like, this stuff was going to come 0:17:42.240 --> 0:17:45.560 out anyway in your pregnancy, because that's just like what 0:17:45.600 --> 0:17:48.800 this soul that was in you was meant was here 0:17:48.840 --> 0:17:52.000 to do UM, but like maybe it just came out 0:17:52.240 --> 0:17:56.760 really way too fast and extreme um. And so by 0:17:56.800 --> 0:17:59.360 the time I was like peeing on a stick, I 0:17:59.400 --> 0:18:02.600 was in the lowest mental state I've ever been in. 0:18:03.080 --> 0:18:06.720 I didn't feel like myself was really scared, but I 0:18:06.880 --> 0:18:10.159 also still wanted to be pregnant, and it was just 0:18:10.240 --> 0:18:14.239 all very confusing, and um Pete was asleep and I 0:18:14.280 --> 0:18:18.040 took the pregnancy test, and when I saw the word pregnant, 0:18:18.080 --> 0:18:22.280 it was like I just felt like, oh my god, 0:18:22.560 --> 0:18:28.159 I'm I'm making someone be alive. I am making I'm it. 0:18:28.320 --> 0:18:30.879 Just like the responsibility instantly hit me and I was 0:18:30.960 --> 0:18:34.400 like I just woke up a soul, like wake up, 0:18:34.600 --> 0:18:36.800 do you want to exist? Which is what that Chris 0:18:36.800 --> 0:18:39.560 Pratt movie. You know that Chris Pratt science fiction movie 0:18:39.960 --> 0:18:42.160 where they're on a long haul. I haven't seen it either, 0:18:42.240 --> 0:18:44.879 but they're in a spaceship. It's in a long haul 0:18:45.480 --> 0:18:48.520 and he's woken up and it's like he knows, he 0:18:48.600 --> 0:18:50.840 knows he's going to die before they get to the 0:18:50.840 --> 0:18:56.480 point passengers, right, Yeah, what's her name, Jennifer? Jennifer Lawrence 0:18:56.560 --> 0:18:59.720 Lawrence up. He wakes her up and then he breaks 0:18:59.760 --> 0:19:02.680 it or like I woke you up because I was lonely. 0:19:03.240 --> 0:19:06.240 That's sort of not only what parents are doing, like 0:19:06.320 --> 0:19:10.760 you're bringing something in even though you know it's complicated 0:19:10.800 --> 0:19:13.800 and and life involves death and all these things, but 0:19:13.840 --> 0:19:17.000 it's also what God was doing. Yeah, Like God was like, 0:19:17.240 --> 0:19:20.359 I'm going to make creation and they're going to suffer 0:19:20.359 --> 0:19:22.159 and they're going to die, but it's worth it to 0:19:22.320 --> 0:19:24.720 commune with them in any way. That's I don't have 0:19:24.800 --> 0:19:40.280 to see the movie to enjoy its mess. It sounds 0:19:40.280 --> 0:19:42.879 like you felt massive amounts of responsibility. Did you feel 0:19:42.920 --> 0:19:46.560 like your whole pregnancy you struggled with that. I was excited. 0:19:47.040 --> 0:19:49.320 I just felt everything. It was like, all of a sudden, 0:19:49.320 --> 0:19:52.560 I felt so much about it. And I had bought 0:19:52.600 --> 0:19:56.679 like a little onesie that said the Adventure Begins or 0:19:56.720 --> 0:20:01.639 something like that, You're fucking I think, No, you're lucky. 0:20:01.960 --> 0:20:05.800 I mean, pete, I get it, Like, wow, thank you. 0:20:05.880 --> 0:20:08.080 So I like put that in a gift bag with 0:20:08.119 --> 0:20:12.080 the positive pregnancy test and I woke him up and 0:20:12.520 --> 0:20:14.639 he was like kind of sleepy but opened it and 0:20:14.880 --> 0:20:17.240 was like, are you serious? And then you can take 0:20:17.240 --> 0:20:20.439 over how you felt? And that did your I loved 0:20:20.480 --> 0:20:26.200 telling you. I actually I totally understand that. The story 0:20:26.440 --> 0:20:30.000 is that you had this dark thing the day after 0:20:30.119 --> 0:20:34.480 we conceived, and this very difficult thing that I remember. 0:20:34.760 --> 0:20:37.159 We were doing a press tour for for Crashing, and 0:20:37.200 --> 0:20:39.880 we had to leave, we had to go to the doctor, 0:20:40.560 --> 0:20:43.520 and she was having this basically this lingering, twenty four 0:20:43.560 --> 0:20:46.600 hour panic attack. I'm walking around with her and it's 0:20:46.600 --> 0:20:49.760 like she wasn't home. It was really scary, and I 0:20:49.800 --> 0:20:52.199 was trying, I could I was telling her all of 0:20:52.240 --> 0:20:56.199 my metaphysical woo woo, and it wasn't really helping. And 0:20:56.240 --> 0:20:59.280 I could tell it wasn't helping. And I know what 0:20:59.400 --> 0:21:02.680 it's like when someone's trying to comfort you and it's 0:21:02.720 --> 0:21:05.960 just not getting through. Yeah, And when you're having panic attacks, no, 0:21:06.280 --> 0:21:09.040 there's no getting in there. They have to end and 0:21:09.080 --> 0:21:11.200 you have to like go through it. They're the fucking worst, 0:21:11.200 --> 0:21:13.560 don't They're the worst. But what's funny is, even though 0:21:13.600 --> 0:21:17.200 all of that is what was happening, when I think 0:21:17.200 --> 0:21:19.439 of you telling me in that time in our lives, 0:21:20.240 --> 0:21:22.760 the headline in my memory is how how happy we were. 0:21:23.320 --> 0:21:25.639 I sort of I'm not saying I forgot about all 0:21:25.640 --> 0:21:28.240 the other stuff, but I separated them. It's almost like 0:21:28.280 --> 0:21:31.160 that was resolved, even though it wasn't. They bled into 0:21:31.200 --> 0:21:34.200 one another, but it felt sort of resolved. I know 0:21:34.320 --> 0:21:38.000 we were still fixing you. In fact, the worst was 0:21:38.080 --> 0:21:41.520 to come. Yeah, the coming back from the press tour 0:21:42.000 --> 0:21:43.760 was after we knew she was pregnant. That's why they 0:21:43.760 --> 0:21:46.480 couldn't give her anything, which was also a scene from 0:21:46.480 --> 0:21:48.920 a horror movie, like help, I feel like I'm dying 0:21:49.600 --> 0:21:52.560 but I'm pregnant. Well, we we can't give you anything. 0:21:52.960 --> 0:21:55.040 The doctor told me to take ben a drill just 0:21:55.119 --> 0:21:57.680 so that I would like sleep through it, which later 0:21:57.720 --> 0:22:01.119 I found out that like there are on antidepressants that 0:22:01.160 --> 0:22:03.960 are health that are milk thistle would have been great, 0:22:04.080 --> 0:22:07.080 Like there's so many homeopathic things that can help you 0:22:07.119 --> 0:22:09.520 calm down. So you were having panic attacks even after 0:22:09.560 --> 0:22:12.360 you found out you were pregnant. Yeah, did they end 0:22:12.400 --> 0:22:15.120 at a certain point? They did? Yeah. I did take 0:22:15.160 --> 0:22:18.280 a ton of supplements like five htp l f ain 0:22:18.480 --> 0:22:21.200 you know, Oh my god, who is the supplement person? 0:22:21.280 --> 0:22:25.320 I'm confused. So in San Francisco, which is where we 0:22:25.320 --> 0:22:28.480 were right, which is our love city, it's the city 0:22:28.480 --> 0:22:33.000 we met in and now we're having this horrible nightmare. 0:22:33.040 --> 0:22:35.440 Our wedding vows by the way, where me I told Val. 0:22:35.640 --> 0:22:37.480 I was like, I just vowed to keep Val Val. 0:22:37.800 --> 0:22:40.360 I was like, I love Val and I'll just I'm 0:22:40.400 --> 0:22:43.119 just here to help Val be Vale. Cut to like 0:22:43.359 --> 0:22:46.879 a month and I am dead on the floor. So 0:22:47.840 --> 0:22:50.879 then cut to four months into our marriage and I'm like, 0:22:50.960 --> 0:22:54.240 let's take mushrooms. And then she goes away and like, well, fuck, 0:22:55.119 --> 0:23:01.800 I really really is gone. Vale is gone east of vow. So. 0:23:02.560 --> 0:23:06.760 But long story short is like I was thrilled even 0:23:06.800 --> 0:23:09.520