Speaker 1: Welcome to Go Ask Ali, a production of Shonda Land
Speaker 1: Audio and partnership with I Heart Radio, Hi Mali Wentworth,
Speaker 1: and welcome back listeners to the second half of season one.
Speaker 1: We covered how to grow a teenager in a pandemic,
Speaker 1: and now for the second half, we're talking about how
Speaker 1: to grow a relationship, a relationship with a sibling, with
Speaker 1: a lover, with yourself, and I'm kickstarting it with female friendship.
Speaker 1: I've always been fascinated by female friendships. And I remember
Speaker 1: speaking to my husband because I noticed that he didn't
Speaker 1: have the kind of emotional and supportive scaffolding that I
Speaker 1: had from my friends. And I remember I was trying
Speaker 1: to figure out, like, who are his best friends? And
Speaker 1: so I put it in this premise. I said, Honey,
Speaker 1: if you came home from work and you caught me
Speaker 1: in bed with somebody else, who would you call, meaning
Speaker 1: what of your friends? And George said, well, I would.
Speaker 1: I would call one of your friends and ask them why.
Speaker 1: And that kind of told me everything I needed to
Speaker 1: know that there is such a difference between male and
Speaker 1: female friendships. How do we grow our female friendships? I
Speaker 1: think they're the most integral part of our lives. I
Speaker 1: think they help us reflect on ourselves. I think they
Speaker 1: make us better, stronger women. And so to kick start
Speaker 1: this now, I'd like to introduce the Gale to my Oprah.
Speaker 1: And by the way, I've recorded this so she will
Speaker 1: be able to talk back and say that she's the
Speaker 1: oprah My bestie Mauritika Hargita. You might know her from
Speaker 1: I don't know Law and Order SVU. She's won a
Speaker 1: shipload of awards. Oh we're swearing on this, Oh we swear. Okay,
Speaker 1: just just want to get up to speed. Go ahead,
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, let it rip, all right. She also founded
Speaker 1: the Joyful Heart Foundation, which helps victims of sexual abuse
Speaker 1: and survivors, and also is fighting real hard to end
Speaker 1: the backlog of rape kits. She's won an Emmy for
Speaker 1: a documentary and I'm that's all I'm gonna say. I
Speaker 1: don't want to give her too much. I don't like
Speaker 1: her to come in with an inflated head. We won't
Speaker 1: mentioned the Golden Globe and the acting Emmy. Go ahead,
Speaker 1: go ahead. She can't sing, I'll tell you that, right
Speaker 1: she she can't sing. The way to bring her right
Speaker 1: back down, Allie went Worth, I need you humble for
Speaker 1: this one. Okay. I look at female friendships in a
Speaker 1: way as almost romantic relationships and don't get excited. We're
Speaker 1: not going to kiss at any point. But I have
Speaker 1: a physical reaction when I meet people that have ended
Speaker 1: up being in my life, like my husband George, and
Speaker 1: I met Marishka over twenty years ago at a party,
Speaker 1: and I had that same feeling in my whole body,
Speaker 1: which as, oh, you're part of my tribe, You're one
Speaker 1: of my people. I need to be with you. And
Speaker 1: it's only happened to a handful of people in my life.
Speaker 1: And we met, we didn't lose touch. But you lived
Speaker 1: in New York. I lived in l A. And what's
Speaker 1: funny is, right off the bat, we had misconceptions about
Speaker 1: our friendship. So mine was, oh, she's a big TV star.
Speaker 1: We had a few laughs. We had a connection at
Speaker 1: the party, but you know, that's it. I'll stay in
Speaker 1: my lane and I'll just watch her on the golden gloats.
Speaker 1: What was your experience? My experience was the opposite. We met,
Speaker 1: and again, I think it's a kind of a perfect
Speaker 1: analogy to describe it like a love relationship, because I
Speaker 1: think that there were sparks there was an immediate chemistry
Speaker 1: like this is my sister from another mother. Immediately I went, oh,
Speaker 1: my gosh, this woman understands me. We can joke, we
Speaker 1: can hit so many different sort of notes all in
Speaker 1: one conversation, and it felt very freeing and I felt safe,
Speaker 1: and it was most of all just so fun. We
Speaker 1: laughed so much, We laughed non stop in it in
Speaker 1: an intimate way. Very quickly. That's where I think we
Speaker 1: both went, Oh, you get it, We're the same. I
Speaker 1: can't wait to jump into this. I was like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's my new best friend. And then I hadn't felt
Speaker 1: that way about a lot of people as well, and
Speaker 1: so I was like, Okay, well, she'll probably when I leave,
Speaker 1: she'll probably text me and say when are we getting together?
Speaker 1: When are we having lunch? I'll talk to you tomorrow whatever,
Speaker 1: blah blah blah. And then I didn't hear from you,
Speaker 1: and I went, oh, was maybe did I read that wrong?
Speaker 1: Does she not love me as much as I loved her?
Speaker 1: That was sort of my takeaway. So I got a
Speaker 1: little bit sad. We saw each other again, I think,
Speaker 1: and then the same thing happened really well. As soon
Speaker 1: as we saw each other again. All the fun came
Speaker 1: back immediately, like we hadn't skipped a beat. And then
Speaker 1: I was like, exactly, why didn't you call me every
Speaker 1: five minutes? Why don't you recognize in me what I
Speaker 1: see in you? I think that's what I was feeling. Well,
Speaker 1: the great thing was you called me on it right away.
Speaker 1: Now we could have gone on for the next fifty
Speaker 1: years running into each other and you feeling like, huh,
Speaker 1: well that's fun, but you called me on it, which
Speaker 1: you're apt to do. You're a very honest person that way. Um.
Speaker 1: Since then we have gotten very close. I'm the godmother
Speaker 1: of your youngest. We share holidays together and it's a
Speaker 1: it's a big old love fest. But during quarantine, we
Speaker 1: were both really, really frightened. We came out to the
Speaker 1: country from the city with our children, and we made
Speaker 1: a pact right at the beginning that we were going
Speaker 1: to kind of quarantine together, you and I and our kids.
Speaker 1: And at that point we didn't know what was going on.
Speaker 1: I still think people back then underestimated just how it
Speaker 1: was triggering us. Oh yes, I don't think everyone did,
Speaker 1: because nobody knew what it was exactly, and all we
Speaker 1: were left with was our fear of the unknown. And
Speaker 1: so even though I have a very smart husband who
Speaker 1: can tell me what's going on in Madagascar, I found
Speaker 1: that you were the one that helped me through emotionally.
Speaker 1: And what we would do is face time each other
Speaker 1: every morning and check in, take each other's temperature. How
Speaker 1: are you feeling, are you scared? Are you this or
Speaker 1: you that? What are you're worried about? What's going on
Speaker 1: with the kids? And that was what took us sort
Speaker 1: of next level in terms of friendships. And my mother
Speaker 1: always used to say to me, you need your women friends.
Speaker 1: I don't care who you're married to. Female friendships or
Speaker 1: the backbone of your life. And you are somebody that
Speaker 1: I see who really works hard on friendships, particularly female friendships.
Speaker 1: Why is it that you nurture those things and make
Speaker 1: them such an imperative part of your life. Oh gosh,
Speaker 1: there are such big questions. I think I knew at
Speaker 1: a very young age from experiencing such a loss and
Speaker 1: a break from my primary relationship from my mother and
Speaker 1: from my primary female relationships, certainly that life was a
Speaker 1: little bit different from me. And as I I I
Speaker 1: remember in kindergarten, I had a very very strong relationship
Speaker 1: with my friend, and we became best friends immediately. We
Speaker 1: did everything together, and we had such a incredible bond,
Speaker 1: and I would go over there every weekend, and we
Speaker 1: would go away on trips. Well into even high school,
Speaker 1: I went on trips with her families. And what I
Speaker 1: realized at a young age is that we are so
Speaker 1: many parts. And I was close with my my parents,
Speaker 1: I was close with my siblings, but what I experienced
Speaker 1: with her because my sisters were so much older than
Speaker 1: I was, so I never really grew up with sisters
Speaker 1: like that, and so I craved the softness and femininity
Speaker 1: and loyalty and just sameness that that I experienced with
Speaker 1: my first friend. And then in high school, the same
Speaker 1: thing happened where I was so close with my two
Speaker 1: best friends. And then as I got older, of course,
Speaker 1: in college and you begin to date, just nothing compared
Speaker 1: as you said, And I realized, even now, more so
Speaker 1: than ever, we are such complex beings. I think that's
Speaker 1: what I recognized in you, you know, especially met twenty
Speaker 1: years ago when I was you know, starting SPU, and
Speaker 1: I was so deeply immersed in darkness, in sexual assault,
Speaker 1: in trauma, and and all those things that when I
Speaker 1: met you and felt your ease, love of laughter like mine,
Speaker 1: natural comedy that I remember with you, something in me
Speaker 1: actually physically relaxed because I thought, oh, she's like the balancer.
Speaker 1: I still say this to you. I said it last
Speaker 1: year on your birthday, and I call you my my
Speaker 1: guaranteed good time, because there is something in you that
Speaker 1: no matter what situation we are in, and we've been
Speaker 1: in a lot, no matter how scared we are, I
Speaker 1: know that you and I will laugh through it. And
Speaker 1: so that is sacred to me, and it is fundamental
Speaker 1: in in my well being and those different colors that
Speaker 1: we experience with our close, close female relationships, Like I
Speaker 1: have a couple of friends and you are like this
Speaker 1: that are so like maternal with me. I have certain
Speaker 1: friends that just make me laugh. I have certain friends
Speaker 1: that are so protective and loyal and that makes me
Speaker 1: feel safe. And so I realized, like showing up for
Speaker 1: people and having them show up for you is a
Speaker 1: deeply healing thing. And as we live, especially in this
Speaker 1: time and in this climate, with all the trauma that
Speaker 1: we are dealing with it and quite frankly inundated every day,
Speaker 1: we as humans want to be seen and we want
Speaker 1: to feel safe, and so when you find a like
Speaker 1: minded person that wants that too, it's everything. I always
Speaker 1: choose people that I admire and I just want to
Speaker 1: be around people that challenge me and make me my
Speaker 1: best self and that want to grow, because I'm just
Speaker 1: not interested in people that don't want to grow. There
Speaker 1: I said it. Oh, well, there's no T shirt from
Speaker 1: this podcast. Uh U c l A did a study
Speaker 1: and in times of stress, women not only experience the
Speaker 1: drive towards fight or flight, they also release oxytocin. And
Speaker 1: it's a hormone surge that compels women to tend and befriend.
Speaker 1: And it's interesting because I think, yeah, particularly during Corn Team,
Speaker 1: we were releasing a lot of oxytocin. Yeah, I want
Speaker 1: to go back to what you were saying before, because
Speaker 1: we have like our sandbox friends, you know that early
Speaker 1: on kindergarten friends like you had that we were gravitate
Speaker 1: towards that. I'm still friends with. Her name is Angelique
Speaker 1: and my first friend and we're still tight today. Oh okay,
Speaker 1: shout out to Angelique. That's right, Angelie Lamore Pittney lover her.
Speaker 1: That's a great name. Um, she was your sandbox friend, right,
Speaker 1: so you know, for whatever reason you felt safe with her.
Speaker 1: You go into middle school, the friendship is about sort
Speaker 1: of protection, Yes, very much. So can I feel safe
Speaker 1: with you? I have a lot of acne? Are you
Speaker 1: you're gonna tease me? Are you gonna meet me in
Speaker 1: the bathroom to cry? Then they're the high school survivors.
Speaker 1: I mean, listen, being a teenager, there's there's nothing harder,
Speaker 1: but the teenage friendships are about kind of having your back,
Speaker 1: especially when boys break your heart or double cross or whatever.
Speaker 1: There's a real female armor that happens in high school.
Speaker 1: Then there's like I call it the bridesmaid phase. You know,
Speaker 1: you're supporting, whether you agree or not, everyone's decisions at
Speaker 1: that point. In twenties thirties, there's the marriage phase where
Speaker 1: you feel like you're kind of losing your girlfriends because
Speaker 1: they're getting married and their starting families. And then we're
Speaker 1: at the phase that we're at, which is the wow, careful, easy,
Speaker 1: tread lightly sweetheart. It's not quite driving miss days. It's um,
Speaker 1: it's exactly Uh, it's more of the grace and Frankie phase.
Speaker 1: But I go, this is the most important phase because
Speaker 1: I think there's a fear of mortality and we're looking
Speaker 1: around going I need substance in gravitas and meaning, and
Speaker 1: it takes on a whole other thing. So I'm finding
Speaker 1: now that first of all, women our age are sort
Speaker 1: of done with the chit chat. They're so done with
Speaker 1: the chit chat. And women in our age our time
Speaker 1: is our most Well, you're older, but let's say, are
Speaker 1: You've always been a mother to me and we've talked
Speaker 1: about this and I called you Grammy for that reason.
Speaker 1: But I have you gotten your double A RP card yet? Yeah? No,
Speaker 1: I got it. I got it. But remember on your
Speaker 1: fifty five birthday and I had just turned forty. Remember
Speaker 1: when we had that party. Yeah, I remember that. I
Speaker 1: have photos of it. I'll send it to you. Um.
Speaker 1: I think that the gift now of this time is
Speaker 1: not only do we not have time, but I think
Speaker 1: we're also blessed at this age with so much more
Speaker 1: wisdom and gratitude. I feel like I am able to
Speaker 1: let more go. I'm able to just appreciate the good
Speaker 1: and see the whole person and some of that stuff
Speaker 1: when we were younger, that may be, you know, triggered
Speaker 1: us or scared us or whatever we tripped up on.
Speaker 1: That's just not what matters. What matters is loyalty somebody
Speaker 1: who I mean, this is a big thing for me.
Speaker 1: Do not hang out with people that are not good
Speaker 1: for your nervous system. I read that believe it or
Speaker 1: not on Instagram, and I went, that is the greatest
Speaker 1: piece of advice, because your body, which has all the
Speaker 1: infinite wisdom, will tell you if you listen to it,
Speaker 1: if someone's bad for you. That's sort of sixth cents.
Speaker 1: But when you're with somebody where you're you feel an
Speaker 1: exhale and a calm and a safety and a sort
Speaker 1: of beautiful kind of peace, those are the people that
Speaker 1: that you should be spending time with their investing in.
Speaker 1: And so I'm always happier with you. I love the
Speaker 1: things that you're doing. I love what you invite me
Speaker 1: to think about with you. I love taking you on
Speaker 1: my journey and knowing that if I bring something up
Speaker 1: and it's important to me, you will jump in both feet.
Speaker 1: I love how you love my children. And another thing,
Speaker 1: I mean not to get too sentimental, but I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna show you this. For those of you who can't
Speaker 1: see me. I have a big and it's all of
Speaker 1: the cards that Ali has ever written or made for me.
Speaker 1: The operative word being made because the way you have
Speaker 1: invested in your friendships with making cards and sending photos,
Speaker 1: or somebody says something and and then you know, I said,
Speaker 1: I like mermaids, and then you make me a mermaid cake.
Speaker 1: Just having somebody listen to the little details and then
Speaker 1: reflect those back that just makes you feel so seen,
Speaker 1: heard and loved. I agree with all of that, but
Speaker 1: I would also say, at this point in life there
Speaker 1: is wisdom, but also I'm much more terrified about death
Speaker 1: and all the scary things in the world that I
Speaker 1: look at friendship as at this point of a safety
Speaker 1: net too. You know, yeah, there's a lot more to
Speaker 1: come after the short break, and we're back with more.
Speaker 1: Go ask Ali. Somebody once said the one thing they've
Speaker 1: heard over and over is people on their deathbeds say
Speaker 1: I wish I had stayed in touch with friends. I
Speaker 1: wish I kept those connections. What matters right to me,
Speaker 1: part of a real friendship is the ability to be
Speaker 1: honest and through the fear of consequences. You know, you
Speaker 1: can have a lot of friends who tell you how
Speaker 1: great you are and how pretty you are and you know,
Speaker 1: and that's a lot of bullshit. Thank you, that's beautiful, Alley. Anyway, listen,
Speaker 1: I have to go clean my garage. No, you don't
Speaker 1: clean your garage in your life. But my point is
Speaker 1: that true friendship is being able to say stuff and
Speaker 1: you don't really know how they're going to react, but
Speaker 1: you have the greatest intentions of mine and you have
Speaker 1: their back. I agree with that about honesty. You know me.
Speaker 1: I don't have a problem with honesty. I'm probably too
Speaker 1: honest with people. And I want to add to it vulnerability.
Speaker 1: I believe that vulnerability is our greatest strength. It's certainly
Speaker 1: been mine. But I think that to have a friend
Speaker 1: that you can be vulnerable with, that you know will
Speaker 1: catch you and never make fun of your failings, and
Speaker 1: we'll leave you and won't leave you, but we know
Speaker 1: that we'll catch you, like I think that is the
Speaker 1: beauty and that's the invisible string. Like for example, you
Speaker 1: and I when we're together, we can go very fast,
Speaker 1: we go quickly to the comedy. We both love to laugh,
Speaker 1: and we you know, sometimes it's like our own language.
Speaker 1: And then we don't even finish the sentence and we're
Speaker 1: crying and people are like, it's pahing at. But we
Speaker 1: also can bring each other anything, we can challenge each other,
Speaker 1: like especially. I think that's the beauty during COVID and
Speaker 1: during this pandemic, is that we were forced to slow down.
Speaker 1: We got to process that together, and that was really
Speaker 1: a gift because I think we both got to grow
Speaker 1: a lot and really look at things in a different
Speaker 1: way and bring up things to each other that might
Speaker 1: be helpful or things that we've noticed. Do you think
Speaker 1: there's a lot of pressure in pop culture to have
Speaker 1: these idealistic friendships? You know, you look at sex in
Speaker 1: the city, even like Golden Girls, first Wives clubs. I
Speaker 1: think people idealize and want to have that sort of
Speaker 1: female bond. But sometimes I wonder, is it something that
Speaker 1: we're all chasing and it's actually really hard to get
Speaker 1: or it's really rare. Well, I don't know. I've never
Speaker 1: had that experience because I know that anything worth anything
Speaker 1: is messy. Truth is messy, vulnerability is messy. Friendship is messy.
Speaker 1: If you're really in it with someone and if you
Speaker 1: glaze over it, then I mean no offense, But then
Speaker 1: that's second tier. Right when I'm friends with you, and
Speaker 1: as you know, I'll tell you the truth and tell
Speaker 1: you what I feel because I feel like I owe
Speaker 1: you my truth. So I when I love someone, I
Speaker 1: make that investment even though it's uncomfortable. That's why I
Speaker 1: say to people, Look, here's the deal with me. If
Speaker 1: you sign up, I'm all in. But I'll tell you
Speaker 1: stuff sometimes you might not like it. Do you want
Speaker 1: to really be friends with me and have an honest,
Speaker 1: open relationship where we can both grow and feel safe?
Speaker 1: Are we gonna just ice skate on the top? And
Speaker 1: I have to say I have some great friends. I
Speaker 1: feel like I'm I'm really one of the lucky ones.
Speaker 1: Who's the prettiest, the prettiest probably Brookshields. Why wow, she
Speaker 1: don't have no podcast? Now she she doesn't, but we
Speaker 1: both know and love her and I actually I don't
Speaker 1: even think she's a pretty and I think she has
Speaker 1: bad brows. She needs to pluck them. Well, she should
Speaker 1: first of all have her femurs shortened. But but she
Speaker 1: like I love her too because she's just so open
Speaker 1: and honest and that makes me feel safe because if
Speaker 1: she feels it, you'll know. So what do you do
Speaker 1: when you've befriended somebody and you start to realize they're toxic,
Speaker 1: or they don't have your best interest, or they're not honest,
Speaker 1: what do you do? I did the gentle pull away,
Speaker 1: I mean, not honest, I'm out. I'm just like why,
Speaker 1: I'm careful because I don't want to take on more
Speaker 1: than I can chew. And I'm also learning as I
Speaker 1: get older to be super protective my time, and not
Speaker 1: only my time, but my posse's time, my husband's time,
Speaker 1: my children's time, you know what I mean. And you
Speaker 1: have a job that is what jobra craft service at
Speaker 1: c S I c S I, by the way, I'm
Speaker 1: wonderful on it. But also like I'm I'm a lucky
Speaker 1: girl because I am really weirdly close with my co stars,
Speaker 1: and I have to tell you something. I have made
Speaker 1: it my business to be close to them. You know, yes,
Speaker 1: first of all, they're awesome, but second of all, it
Speaker 1: just makes everything so much more meaningful. So we have
Speaker 1: to make that investment and see people and take them
Speaker 1: in and show them we care and at the same
Speaker 1: time obviously maintaining our own boundaries and our own self care.
Speaker 1: So you're saying on SPU you make a conscious effort
Speaker 1: to befriend your co stars. Yeah, well, I mean it
Speaker 1: helps that I really like them. Yes, But what I'm
Speaker 1: saying is that you've a friend. Because you know that friendship,
Speaker 1: it's gonna make everybody feel safer and feel better on
Speaker 1: the set, and ultimately you're gonna have a better product.
Speaker 1: But also, I want to enjoy my day. I want
Speaker 1: to go to work and have fun. When actors come
Speaker 1: on our show and go, is this really how it is?
Speaker 1: They always say that that it makes me so happy.
Speaker 1: I think it's one of my things I'm most proud
Speaker 1: about is that they just have fun. And I think
Speaker 1: we can do the work and be fun. Why not
Speaker 1: be kind? Why not just give the extra love? It
Speaker 1: makes life better everywhere because the fact is we're all
Speaker 1: on the same boat. And that's it. With your friends.
Speaker 1: So there's a friend that you love who makes you
Speaker 1: feel good, stick with them, and if they can't seem
Speaker 1: to treat you right, then it's asta luega, baby, it's
Speaker 1: asta la vista or Austin luego. But I Spanish is
Speaker 1: not good right now, and I feel a lot of
Speaker 1: people don't know that you're trilingual. Um, you have a
Speaker 1: daughter of Maya, how do you parent her when it
Speaker 1: comes to friendships? Because she's old enough now that she's
Speaker 1: deals with mean girls or getting her feelings hurt. When
Speaker 1: she gets her feelings hurt, or she says things like, oh,
Speaker 1: so and so wasn't nice to me, or they're not
Speaker 1: nice or they were mean to me. I like to unpack,
Speaker 1: as you know, the word mean, right, yeah, well, let's
Speaker 1: be let's be honest. Recently I said you were mean, yeah,
Speaker 1: and we had to have a whole discussion about it
Speaker 1: because my feelings were hurt and you didn't think that
Speaker 1: was the right word. I didn't think it was the
Speaker 1: right word. But what I did think is that you
Speaker 1: had your feelings hurt. And that's why, even though I
Speaker 1: knew I wasn't being mean, it didn't matter what I
Speaker 1: was being. It mattered that you got your feelings hurt.
Speaker 1: And I love you, so therefore it goes. I don't
Speaker 1: care about being right. I cared that. Oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, R. I love you. I want to be
Speaker 1: your happy place. I want to be the place that
Speaker 1: you come to cry. And you know that I got you.
Speaker 1: I I felt so bad that you were hurt. Period.
Speaker 1: It's not about being right. It's about taking care of
Speaker 1: your friend, and it's about picking a friend that will
Speaker 1: take care of you. So when Amya says you know,
Speaker 1: or says somebody was mean to me, or you know,
Speaker 1: one of a Maya's friends is over and they're like,
Speaker 1: well she's mean, I go hold up, guys, let's talk.
Speaker 1: Let's unpack this. What does mean me? Could it be
Speaker 1: that she felt left out? Could it be that she
Speaker 1: was sad she wasn't going over to your house? Tell
Speaker 1: me all the situations and know that when people are
Speaker 1: mean in general, it's usually because they are hurting. Let's
Speaker 1: not react. Let's go, hey, hey, you seem sad. What happened?
Speaker 1: Because most of the time it's not about you. Get
Speaker 1: curious about everything and it helps you not react if
Speaker 1: somebody says something weird too. I used to have this
Speaker 1: challenge when somebody be rude to me. Instead of me
Speaker 1: getting mad back, I'd be like, either I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: really nice to them, just to make sure that they
Speaker 1: were rude to me because I want to check because
Speaker 1: I don't want to react if it was just a miss.
Speaker 1: And then you know, like we do we can make
Speaker 1: a joke because that's a diffuser. But I just want
Speaker 1: to teach her and everyone. If somebody acts unkindly to
Speaker 1: you or says something that you don't understand before you
Speaker 1: just react, ask them what they mean, because sometimes it
Speaker 1: could be a thing in your head. We don't know
Speaker 1: what the other person is thinking. And that's why I
Speaker 1: may be an an over communicator, which I think is good.
Speaker 1: But it is good. It clears up a lot. How
Speaker 1: do you feel about friendships and social media? Not a
Speaker 1: good idea? Well, but it's like a whole, It's like
Speaker 1: the wild West. Now. I used to love social media,
Speaker 1: and I used to love it because I could catch
Speaker 1: up with people and their kids and their families. But now, yeah,
Speaker 1: and as I get older, I have only a certain
Speaker 1: amount of time, and as we all can get sucked
Speaker 1: into social media Instagram, Twitter, I realized I just don't
Speaker 1: want to spend my time like that because so much
Speaker 1: time was by unconsciously for young people. I think too
Speaker 1: many people get their feelings hurt. And the fact is
Speaker 1: is that all these accounts are generally a curated life
Speaker 1: as opposed to all of it. I'm sort of going
Speaker 1: back to the old fashioned thing of That's why I
Speaker 1: love FaceTime. It's like what we used to do is
Speaker 1: just pick up the phone and talk to somebody. I
Speaker 1: rather FaceTime than text or even call, because so much
Speaker 1: is communicated in expression. I just rather see someone's face,
Speaker 1: even for two minutes. Yeah. I worry for my daughters
Speaker 1: that like social media, like snap chatting and all that stuff.
Speaker 1: I don't want them to confuse that with real friendship,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. They do, not your daughters,
Speaker 1: but everyone they do. I know. I'm like that that
Speaker 1: is a real problem. And it's so heartbreaking because you know,
Speaker 1: we're lucky enough to be in the generation where we
Speaker 1: had the face to face, we had the real relationships,
Speaker 1: and then it was icing. The social media thing was
Speaker 1: icing to us because we knew what a connection was.
Speaker 1: But now you're like, why call them? It just text?
Speaker 1: It's like nope, and they don't understand what they're missing
Speaker 1: through the text. There's also so much room for error, right,
Speaker 1: so much room for misunderstanding. There's so much room for
Speaker 1: her feelings. I mean, especially with girls, but even with guys.
Speaker 1: I noticed my son text and I'm like, that's not
Speaker 1: enough information. That's just not enough information for them to
Speaker 1: know what you mean. We're gonna take a short break
Speaker 1: and we'll be right back. And we're back. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: put you on the spot out with something because I
Speaker 1: thought it'd be fine. Okay, what is something I don't
Speaker 1: know about you? Mm hmm, Well this is the funniest thing. Well,
Speaker 1: just because it happened today, and I think this is
Speaker 1: scary and I might need to talk to somebody about it.
Speaker 1: But I'm on this kind of peng Shui kick and
Speaker 1: cleaning up the clutter. So I went into my bathroom today.
Speaker 1: I was cleaning all the drawers out and I found
Speaker 1: my retainer and my friend Kelly, who you know, was
Speaker 1: with me, opened it up and we started crying so hard,
Speaker 1: and she's like, you need to get rid of this,
Speaker 1: and I said, oh, no, I can't. And she was like,
Speaker 1: oh wait, retainer from when like high school? Come on, yes,
Speaker 1: you kept it. Yeah, I don't know why. What what
Speaker 1: am I hanging onto? But now it's just funny. Yeah,
Speaker 1: now you have to keep it. So there's a little
Speaker 1: dark and dusty corner. You want me to tell tell
Speaker 1: you something about me? You don't know more than anything
Speaker 1: because you know everything. So it's hard to mind what
Speaker 1: you don't know. But no, but you know what I
Speaker 1: will say. That's what I love about you. I don't
Speaker 1: know everything, I know a lot, and that's what makes
Speaker 1: you fascinating to me. There are always more parts of
Speaker 1: you that I find even more interesting. Or something that
Speaker 1: you say. I'm like, what I had no idea, or
Speaker 1: some hobby or something you know about or something about
Speaker 1: your family. It's always fascinating. But tell me something else
Speaker 1: about ten days ago, I peed in my jeans and
Speaker 1: I wasn't laughing or sneezing. What happened? Let's get into it,
Speaker 1: because it seems like this is the forum to talk
Speaker 1: about I was sitting there and I just peed in
Speaker 1: my pants for no reason. No, well, hold, were you
Speaker 1: at home? Yep? Yeah, this might be something we want
Speaker 1: to tick offline. Why it's all about honor? See, I mean, listen,
Speaker 1: I love that are open um. I do believe that
Speaker 1: friendships are the life raft and we just get better
Speaker 1: the deeper and stronger friendships are. But the science journalist
Speaker 1: Lydia Denworth, she was looking at research about friendship. She
Speaker 1: found that friendship helps us live longer, better lives. And
Speaker 1: I think that's true with you. Thank you, Thank you.
Speaker 1: Can I say one more thing? I could say as
Speaker 1: much as you want. No, I just thought of a
Speaker 1: really beautiful story that I want to share. And this
Speaker 1: is to whatever young women are listening to this. I
Speaker 1: was so deeply moved by something that happened two weeks ago.
Speaker 1: So there was a girl in high school that I met,
Speaker 1: and we both big personalities, both leaders, both just had
Speaker 1: a big appetite for life and all that kind of
Speaker 1: She was really an amazing person, I'll say, And for
Speaker 1: whatever reasons, maybe because of jealous eyes on both our parts,
Speaker 1: or misunderstandings or hurt feelings and things that we both did,
Speaker 1: but we hurt each other and and I was really sad,
Speaker 1: and it's something that I've carried with me. But recently
Speaker 1: we reconnected and we've been talking because she lost her
Speaker 1: mother and I was so moved by that because I
Speaker 1: was very close to her mother when we were in
Speaker 1: high school. And we started talking on the phone and
Speaker 1: just sharing back and forth. And then one day I
Speaker 1: just wrote to her and I said, Hey, I hope
Speaker 1: this is a weird, but I just wanted to say
Speaker 1: that I'm really sorry for everything that I did in
Speaker 1: high school, and I'm really sorry if I hurt you.
Speaker 1: And I was sort of, you know, I felt very vulnerable,
Speaker 1: and I was a little embarrassed because she might be like, sweetheart, sweetheart,
Speaker 1: get on with your life. But she wrote back to
Speaker 1: me within what feels like maybe three minutes, and she wrote,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for saying that I was hurt
Speaker 1: in high school. And I know it wasn't nice to
Speaker 1: you either, And I wrote to her, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: and she said thank you. That's so cathartic. And I
Speaker 1: said thank you because I didn't know if she was
Speaker 1: going to laugh at me. But the point is I
Speaker 1: did feel a connection. She wasn't awesome is an awesome woman,
Speaker 1: and I always was sad. I was like, why aren't
Speaker 1: we best friends? But we couldn't for whatever reasons. And so,
Speaker 1: you know, I look back at that now and I think, like, gosh,
Speaker 1: it's so sad, it's wasted. But the fact is is
Speaker 1: I want to say to young women, as you said
Speaker 1: at the beginning, our female friendships are everything, and they
Speaker 1: are like our protection, our tender hearts, and so guard
Speaker 1: them with everything. If somebody like hurts your feelings are
Speaker 1: mean to you get curious because maybe they have a
Speaker 1: real problem that they need you to see them. And
Speaker 1: so I wish I could have seen her, and I
Speaker 1: wish she and I could have found each other earlier.
Speaker 1: But something is so beautiful about the sweetness of finding
Speaker 1: each other now and healing now. Yes, but see, that's
Speaker 1: even though for forty years you were not in each
Speaker 1: other's lives. That's a different kind of friendship, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, It's it's still Yes. I love you
Speaker 1: so much. And as I end this, I do want
Speaker 1: to read a quote from Anne for Down, who wrote
Speaker 1: The Social Sex, and she said, friendship is a bond
Speaker 1: that is uniquely defined by the people who exist within it.
Speaker 1: Unlike relationships such as marriage or parenthood, which have clear
Speaker 1: timelines and boundaries, friendships have no ceremonial beginning or end,
Speaker 1: no biological definition. They're not sanctioned by any church, nor
Speaker 1: recognized officially by any state. This is perhaps why women
Speaker 1: historically diminished by the government and burdened by the family,
Speaker 1: find such fulfillment and power among their female friends. MS. Great, right,
Speaker 1: that's very beautiful and true. Well go back to your
Speaker 1: best friend, Kelly. Thank you, she's missing me. Try each
Speaker 1: other's retainers on. Yeah, are we going to hold on
Speaker 1: a second? What are you doing now? I'm reading a
Speaker 1: quote that you wrote me. All please yeah, yeah, because
Speaker 1: you're not the only one around here, so you can
Speaker 1: read quote. Okay, this is what you wrote to me.
Speaker 1: Oh God, get your glasses. Hey, am just making a point.
Speaker 1: We're allowed to pop by each other's houses whenever. And
Speaker 1: I love that, Ali, because you know what, You and
Speaker 1: I have been making up the rules as we go along.
Speaker 1: And I love our own little rules and our own
Speaker 1: little covenants and safety and invitations for friendship always. And
Speaker 1: that is true. You are welcome in my home and
Speaker 1: in my heart anytime. I love you. I love you too.
Speaker 1: Thank you for doing this. You all me a present? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know. God, I love her so much. Another thing
Speaker 1: that I think is important to say, which is part
Speaker 1: of what makes Marishka Marishka, and it's part of her history,
Speaker 1: is that when she was four years old, her mother,
Speaker 1: Jane Mansfield, was killed in a horrific car crash in
Speaker 1: New Orleans. And I think that loss informs how she
Speaker 1: has built her relationships with her female friends. I really
Speaker 1: encourage everybody to go out and grow your female friendships
Speaker 1: grow the ones that exist, start a new one, and listen.
Speaker 1: Friendships are hard. You've never heard Mariska harget Taste sing.
Speaker 1: My mother always in sild in us to be there
Speaker 1: for our friends. She remembers people's birthdays. She sends flowers
Speaker 1: for no reason. I grew up never hearing my mother
Speaker 1: chit chat. It was always deep conversations behind closed doors.
Speaker 1: And she used to say to me, and still does.
Speaker 1: Your women are everything. You know. You almost want to
Speaker 1: make the same marriage vow with your friends and sickness
Speaker 1: and health, and the most important thing is show up,
Speaker 1: show up with a cast role that I have a
Speaker 1: friend right now because of COVID, no one can visit
Speaker 1: her in the hospital, and so I FaceTime her three
Speaker 1: times a day and I tell her a funny joke,
Speaker 1: or I send her a stupid picture of my fat stomach,
Speaker 1: or whatever it is to cheer her up. If you
Speaker 1: hear something bad that's happened to them, reach out. Don't
Speaker 1: be like other people in shy away. I think that's
Speaker 1: the most important thing. You're letting them know you're thinking
Speaker 1: about them and that you care about them. Your women
Speaker 1: are everything. Thank you for listening to go ask Alli.
Speaker 1: Be sure to subscribe, rate and review the podcast, and
Speaker 1: follow me on social media on Twitter, Ali e Wentworth
Speaker 1: and on Instagram the Real Ali Wentworth And if you
Speaker 1: have questions or guests you'd like to hear from, I'd
Speaker 1: love to hear from you, call or text me at
Speaker 1: three to three four six three five six or email
Speaker 1: me Go ask Alli podcast at gmail dot com. Join
Speaker 1: me for next week's episode with Glenn and Doyle, author
Speaker 1: and warrior, as we dive into authentic love. Go ask
Speaker 1: Ali is a production of Shonda land Audio and partnership
Speaker 1: with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,
Speaker 1: visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.