1 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:12,799 Speaker 1: You're listening to Alive Again, a production of Psychopia Pictures 2 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:13,960 Speaker 1: and iHeart Podcasts. 3 00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:16,919 Speaker 2: My name is Angeline Pass and I had a brain 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:22,840 Speaker 2: ineurism that taught me that it's okay to have a 5 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,000 Speaker 2: little life. 6 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:30,560 Speaker 1: Welcome to Alive Again, a podcast that showcases miraculous accounts 7 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:34,040 Speaker 1: of human fragility and resilience from people whose lives were 8 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:39,080 Speaker 1: forever altered after having almost died. These are first hand 9 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:42,960 Speaker 1: accounts of near death experiences and more broadly, brushes with death. 10 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:47,199 Speaker 1: Our mission is simple, find, explore, and share these stories 11 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:50,080 Speaker 1: to remind us all of our shared human condition. Please 12 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:52,440 Speaker 1: keep in mind these stories are true and maybe triggering 13 00:00:52,479 --> 00:00:54,680 Speaker 1: for some listener, and discretion is advised. 14 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:09,520 Speaker 2: In twenty seventeen, I had been pursuing a career in 15 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:15,919 Speaker 2: acting for a long time, and I had finally decided 16 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:23,760 Speaker 2: that that just wasn't really happening for me, and I 17 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:28,679 Speaker 2: had become disillusioned with trying to make money and trying 18 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:32,560 Speaker 2: to make a living while pursuing that craft. 19 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:36,440 Speaker 3: One night, when. 20 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:41,480 Speaker 2: I was feeling especially depressed about myself my current situation, 21 00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:46,399 Speaker 2: I had a bottle of wine and I had a 22 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,320 Speaker 2: bunch of film negatives laying around I was looking through 23 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:52,400 Speaker 2: pictures and I was like, you know, if I can't 24 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:55,200 Speaker 2: be in film, then I'll cut it up and make 25 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:59,200 Speaker 2: it do what I wanted to do. And so, you know, 26 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:05,440 Speaker 2: very I as an actress, you know whatever. So I 27 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:09,359 Speaker 2: started you know, cutting up film negatives. In those moments, 28 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:11,840 Speaker 2: as I was cutting shapes out of them and such, 29 00:02:11,919 --> 00:02:16,160 Speaker 2: I realized just how beautiful film negatives exposed. Film is 30 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:20,880 Speaker 2: on its own, and I started using it for collage 31 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:25,440 Speaker 2: work and using it as a medium for design, and 32 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:28,160 Speaker 2: then doing all of that, I ended up, you know, 33 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,840 Speaker 2: finding something new creatively that I really connected to, and 34 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:36,800 Speaker 2: that was doing you know, arts and then products crafts, 35 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:42,359 Speaker 2: and I started selling my creations and formed a company, 36 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:47,600 Speaker 2: and eventually a product line that really stuck with people 37 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:54,080 Speaker 2: was a line of holiday ornaments. But I ended up 38 00:02:55,320 --> 00:03:00,440 Speaker 2: by twenty seventeen, I was basically making Christmas ornaments all 39 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:05,840 Speaker 2: year round for wholesale clients to sell its shows, to 40 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:11,880 Speaker 2: sell online, and that was my living. In my off time. 41 00:03:11,919 --> 00:03:16,640 Speaker 2: I was still working in film a little bit and 42 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:20,639 Speaker 2: also making art, but Christmas ornaments were my niche and 43 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,440 Speaker 2: so I had a studio outside of the home that 44 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:27,080 Speaker 2: I would go to and work all day and I 45 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:31,840 Speaker 2: was It was late September twenty seventeen September twenty seventh. 46 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:35,960 Speaker 2: I was there making Christmas ornaments and I think I 47 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:41,000 Speaker 2: was putting together a wholesale order at the time. I 48 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,920 Speaker 2: was at my table and I went to stand up 49 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:49,360 Speaker 2: to get some glitter or something, and I suddenly had 50 00:03:49,440 --> 00:04:02,840 Speaker 2: this incredibly sharp pain in my head was throbbing but 51 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:07,360 Speaker 2: also like a searing pain at the same time, and 52 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:12,080 Speaker 2: it was it was such a sudden and violent pain 53 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:15,280 Speaker 2: that it actually I sat back down and knocked me 54 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:19,120 Speaker 2: back in my chair. And I remember I was just 55 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:24,599 Speaker 2: sitting there and I was like, what is this? Something's wrong? 56 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:29,920 Speaker 2: Is this a migraine? Is this what a migraine is like? 57 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:33,200 Speaker 2: I had never had a migraine before. It felt like 58 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:37,680 Speaker 2: the worst headache I've ever had. So I'm sitting there 59 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:42,360 Speaker 2: and it just kept getting worse. My vision started getting blurry, 60 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:46,880 Speaker 2: and then it started getting dark. I can't remember how 61 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,120 Speaker 2: long it was, but it couldn't have been but a 62 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:52,440 Speaker 2: couple of minutes. I decided I needed to call my 63 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,400 Speaker 2: fiance to talk to him and see if maybe he 64 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,880 Speaker 2: would come pick me up. At the time, we shared 65 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,719 Speaker 2: a car because we only worked like three miles from 66 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:04,880 Speaker 2: each other. I was in Midtown, he was in Midtown, 67 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:08,640 Speaker 2: and I had the car, but I knew he could 68 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:14,000 Speaker 2: get to me quickly. So I left the studio because 69 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,440 Speaker 2: it was in the basement of this building. 70 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:18,400 Speaker 3: This co working space. 71 00:05:18,839 --> 00:05:22,160 Speaker 2: I had my own little wing and I didn't have 72 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:26,279 Speaker 2: cell phone service in my studio itself. So I left 73 00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:29,160 Speaker 2: my studio into this little hallway to get toward the 74 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:32,760 Speaker 2: big back door by the dumpsters. I get to the 75 00:05:32,839 --> 00:05:35,720 Speaker 2: door and I call him and I was just like, Luke, 76 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:40,680 Speaker 2: something's wrong. And I could barely see at that time, 77 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,480 Speaker 2: the pain was getting worse. And I said, something's wrong, 78 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:48,279 Speaker 2: like I described what the pain was, and he was 79 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:49,320 Speaker 2: just like, I'll be right there. 80 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:51,200 Speaker 3: I'm coming. 81 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:02,800 Speaker 2: So anyway, it wasn't long before he was there. I 82 00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:05,279 Speaker 2: think he got an uber. He kept me on the phone, 83 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:10,560 Speaker 2: but I can't really remember that conversation at all. But 84 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,680 Speaker 2: by the time he got there, I had collapsed on 85 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:19,240 Speaker 2: the floor by the door. I couldn't, you know, stand up. 86 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:25,600 Speaker 2: My everything felt like it was getting dark. I don't 87 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:29,840 Speaker 2: even remember the pain in my head at that point. 88 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:33,800 Speaker 2: I just remember everything kind of getting dark. But Luke, 89 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:38,960 Speaker 2: he got me up and everything, and I walked outside 90 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,560 Speaker 2: with him to the car and he drove me to 91 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:47,800 Speaker 2: the er and all I remember from there is I 92 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:52,840 Speaker 2: was sitting in the er like waiting area and I'm 93 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,440 Speaker 2: sitting there with my like my head in my hands 94 00:06:55,520 --> 00:07:01,040 Speaker 2: because the light hurts. And I remember hearing these dies 95 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,839 Speaker 2: who are there in the waiting room, and I guess 96 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:07,200 Speaker 2: they're having a conversation and everything, and they're just laughing 97 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,960 Speaker 2: and not at me or anything, but just they're like 98 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:16,440 Speaker 2: cutting up and laughing and uh. And that's when I, uh, 99 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:20,880 Speaker 2: I knew. I was like, oh my god, I'm I'm dying. 100 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:30,080 Speaker 4: Like it was. 101 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:34,520 Speaker 3: It was one of those things. It was like completely. 102 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:41,640 Speaker 2: Just knowing, like my body knew and and and then 103 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:43,440 Speaker 2: I was like, I'm going to die and these guys 104 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:49,680 Speaker 2: are laughing and in the waiting room, and that's when 105 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:54,800 Speaker 2: I started screaming. So I just I just let it 106 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 2: loose and in the waiting room and started screaming. And 107 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,320 Speaker 2: it was it was quickly that they got me back then, 108 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:05,880 Speaker 2: you know. But after that, I just remember the pain. 109 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:10,720 Speaker 2: The pain was horrible and uh. And then they they 110 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:14,600 Speaker 2: put me under, they they gave me anesthesia, and then 111 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:20,760 Speaker 2: everything went black. Everything's a bit fuzzy, especially like right 112 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:26,880 Speaker 2: when I woke up, but I was intubated. I was 113 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:29,679 Speaker 2: in the uh, the narrow I see you at Emory, 114 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:33,920 Speaker 2: And of course I didn't know then, but they had. 115 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:35,280 Speaker 3: They had taken me back. 116 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:41,479 Speaker 2: Into surgery and performed surgery on my ruptured brain aneurysm. 117 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:50,120 Speaker 2: I had a very large scar on the left side 118 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,800 Speaker 2: of my head, and I remember trying to touch it 119 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:57,680 Speaker 2: and being told Matt. I also was very very upset 120 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,320 Speaker 2: that there was something in my throat and my else 121 00:09:00,679 --> 00:09:08,000 Speaker 2: and I laughed because I ended up. I was very 122 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:12,040 Speaker 2: agitated the first couple days. I didn't know what was 123 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 2: going on. I didn't know who all these people were. 124 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,720 Speaker 2: Luke was there, my parents were there, my brothers were there. 125 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:25,720 Speaker 2: But I didn't fully understand the weight of what had happened, 126 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:33,640 Speaker 2: and I was just very frustrated. I couldn't talk, of course, 127 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,880 Speaker 2: with the tube in my mouth, and if I tried 128 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:42,480 Speaker 2: to communicate with anybody, I couldn't write down what was 129 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,760 Speaker 2: what I was feeling or what I wanted to. 130 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:51,240 Speaker 3: Say, And I remember that frustrated me more. I had 131 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:52,520 Speaker 3: lost the ability to write. 132 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:56,440 Speaker 2: That went on for at least a few days. But 133 00:09:56,520 --> 00:10:00,920 Speaker 2: I remember during my time in the hospital being that agitated, 134 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:07,439 Speaker 2: feisty gal. One night, my night nurse came in to 135 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,640 Speaker 2: I think, to, you know, just check on me and everything, 136 00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:14,560 Speaker 2: and apparently I looked at him and I just pulled 137 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:17,320 Speaker 2: my feeding tube out of my throat myself. 138 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,280 Speaker 3: You know, I'm laughing. It's terrible. 139 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:29,760 Speaker 2: He was very angry, but I pulled it out and 140 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:33,160 Speaker 2: I fended him off while he was like, no, Angelaine, 141 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:36,319 Speaker 2: don't do that. But I just pulled it out myself. 142 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,880 Speaker 2: After that, they did not put the feeding tube back in. 143 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:50,320 Speaker 2: I was in the hospital a total of between three 144 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:54,960 Speaker 2: and four weeks, so it was late October when when 145 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:59,120 Speaker 2: I was released. During that time too, I had had 146 00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:04,920 Speaker 2: what they can a brain vasospasm, so that is basically 147 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:09,120 Speaker 2: when you're I'm gonna mess this up, but like the 148 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:14,520 Speaker 2: veins in your head or whatnot constrict and so it 149 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:19,520 Speaker 2: caused like a mini stroke and they had to go 150 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:22,480 Speaker 2: in and I think they operated on me again. But 151 00:11:22,559 --> 00:11:26,920 Speaker 2: all in all, I don't have very many memories of 152 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:31,040 Speaker 2: the hospital, especially like in the beginning. I do remember 153 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:35,200 Speaker 2: they kept checking on, like the speech pathologist kept coming 154 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:39,400 Speaker 2: in to see if how my vocalizations were going and 155 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:44,920 Speaker 2: I did. Eventually I was able to speak. I was 156 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,080 Speaker 2: still not able to write well, but found out that 157 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,240 Speaker 2: was because of all the drugs I was on, I think, 158 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:55,560 Speaker 2: and cognitively they were able to determine that I was 159 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:58,800 Speaker 2: doing pretty okay for someone who had gone through a 160 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,120 Speaker 2: ruptured brain aneurysm. 161 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:01,640 Speaker 3: And then the surgery. 162 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:08,800 Speaker 2: And the end of October, we thought that I was 163 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:12,960 Speaker 2: going to be taken from the neuro ICU into you know, 164 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:17,840 Speaker 2: gen pop at the hospital, but found out like right 165 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:22,559 Speaker 2: before that that move happened that no, they were releasing 166 00:12:22,559 --> 00:12:23,520 Speaker 2: me from the hospital. 167 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,880 Speaker 3: I was free to go home. And that was that was. 168 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:32,520 Speaker 2: Really really uh really scary actually for me, but I'm 169 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:37,839 Speaker 2: sure also for Luke. So right when I got out 170 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:41,280 Speaker 2: of the hospital, I don't remember much except being weak 171 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:46,280 Speaker 2: and being angry about that, and then very quickly all 172 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:50,160 Speaker 2: of that turned into, oh my god, I have a 173 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:55,839 Speaker 2: holiday season coming up. I have ornaments to sell. Like 174 00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:59,400 Speaker 2: you know, what's so crazy is that a week and 175 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,680 Speaker 2: a half after I got out of the hospital, I 176 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:07,680 Speaker 2: have not even getting to emotionally but physically, I have 177 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:12,400 Speaker 2: a shaved head. I have a gash about four inches 178 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:20,560 Speaker 2: long on my scalp. I am emaciated, and all I 179 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,880 Speaker 2: could think of was that I have a show to 180 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,840 Speaker 2: do to sell ornaments in a week and a half. 181 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:30,840 Speaker 3: And you know what's crazy is that I did it. 182 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:36,960 Speaker 2: I got out of the hospital around October twenty first, 183 00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:42,560 Speaker 2: and the first weekend of November I went to Chomp 184 00:13:42,559 --> 00:13:46,640 Speaker 2: and Stomp, which is this big show in Cabbage Town 185 00:13:46,679 --> 00:13:50,240 Speaker 2: in Atlanta where people are, you know, eating chili and 186 00:13:50,559 --> 00:13:57,360 Speaker 2: buying chotchkes and everything. My shaved head and huge gash 187 00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:01,440 Speaker 2: in my head and my in my scalp went and 188 00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:06,280 Speaker 2: sold Christmas ornaments at that show and I did. 189 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:06,880 Speaker 3: Pretty well too. 190 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:13,160 Speaker 2: But beside the point I was right when I got 191 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:17,080 Speaker 2: out of the hospital, I was still thinking, like, everything's fine, 192 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:18,199 Speaker 2: Everything's fine. 193 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:19,240 Speaker 3: They fixed it. 194 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:24,720 Speaker 2: I'm fine. I look like shit, but I'm fine. I 195 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:27,520 Speaker 2: can still do this, and I have to do this 196 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,320 Speaker 2: because this is my company. Like I worked really really 197 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:34,160 Speaker 2: hard to be able to have a creative life, and 198 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,760 Speaker 2: if I want to do this, then I have to 199 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,640 Speaker 2: get through this holiday season. 200 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:42,640 Speaker 3: That's that's that's all the money. 201 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,520 Speaker 2: That that I'm going to make for the year that 202 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:55,600 Speaker 2: that allows me to pursue art. So I I did 203 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:59,320 Speaker 2: that I went through the holiday season as best as I. 204 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:03,040 Speaker 3: Could, and and I would. 205 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:06,640 Speaker 2: Have headaches, really bad headaches coming out of the hospital, 206 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,560 Speaker 2: and of course there's that that fear of like is 207 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:11,000 Speaker 2: it happening again? 208 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:12,520 Speaker 3: Is it? 209 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:17,760 Speaker 2: Is this another one? When they went and you know, 210 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:21,920 Speaker 2: and and cut into my head and everything. I think 211 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,280 Speaker 2: that there was a tendon or something that was from 212 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:29,720 Speaker 2: my jaw that had been severed too, So like my 213 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:35,200 Speaker 2: jaw was very very sore, and so if I ever 214 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:39,760 Speaker 2: talked much then my face would get just so sore. 215 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:43,040 Speaker 2: And I was getting tired all the time. 216 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,920 Speaker 3: But I was still like, no, no, no, I have 217 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,360 Speaker 3: to do this. 218 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:51,160 Speaker 2: This is you know, this is what I wanted, so 219 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:55,560 Speaker 2: that that lasted through you know, Christmas. I somehow, I 220 00:15:55,600 --> 00:16:00,720 Speaker 2: still I don't know how I did it, but but 221 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:08,640 Speaker 2: I did become that Christmas and come that the time 222 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:14,520 Speaker 2: when things were quiet, then I uh was just left 223 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:21,680 Speaker 2: to think about what happened. And I was still resisting it, 224 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:29,640 Speaker 2: still not wanting to, you know, evaluate what was going on, 225 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:34,040 Speaker 2: and to also admit that there were things that were 226 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:38,600 Speaker 2: going on, like mentally too, of course, emotionally and mentally, 227 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:44,600 Speaker 2: like I I couldn't remember things very well and that 228 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:48,160 Speaker 2: was something that I had did not want to admit 229 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:51,920 Speaker 2: to until I really had time to sit and think 230 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:56,840 Speaker 2: about it. But but I couldn't. I was having conversations 231 00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:01,120 Speaker 2: with people that I just couldn't remember. I wouldn't meet 232 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:07,240 Speaker 2: people and not remember them afterwards, and I started becoming 233 00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:12,000 Speaker 2: very aware of that. Also, around the same time, Luke 234 00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:16,280 Speaker 2: was offered a job in a different city when stayed over, 235 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,199 Speaker 2: and he came to me and he was like, you know, 236 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:26,160 Speaker 2: do you do you want to leave Atlanta? And I 237 00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:29,639 Speaker 2: jumped at it. I at the time I thought that 238 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:32,159 Speaker 2: it sounded amazing. So it's like, you know what, No, 239 00:17:32,359 --> 00:17:34,600 Speaker 2: let me get away from all these people who knew me, 240 00:17:35,359 --> 00:17:38,879 Speaker 2: and let me get away. Let me go and hibernate 241 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,879 Speaker 2: for a while, and let's get out of here. And 242 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:46,440 Speaker 2: so we you know, the aneurysm happened September twenty seventh. 243 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:50,639 Speaker 2: I got out of the hospital late October, and in 244 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:54,760 Speaker 2: late January we were gone. And now looking back, it 245 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:59,640 Speaker 2: was I know that it was running away, but at 246 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,600 Speaker 2: the time I was just like, let's let's start something new. 247 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:19,720 Speaker 2: Everything that was happening, you know, mentally, with not being 248 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:26,080 Speaker 2: able to remember things, I started writing things down a lot, 249 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,520 Speaker 2: writing everything down, Like I would have a conversation with 250 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:32,840 Speaker 2: somebody and make a few notes, you know, Matt said this, 251 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:40,280 Speaker 2: Matt's going to hear you know April got married. And 252 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,159 Speaker 2: in that way too, I found that I was you know, 253 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:46,320 Speaker 2: I would always refer back to my notes after having 254 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:48,520 Speaker 2: a conversation if I was going to see somebody again, 255 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:54,440 Speaker 2: be like, Okay, how can I be a good friend? Ah? Yes, 256 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:59,480 Speaker 2: I remember this, but but funny enough, though it did, 257 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:03,840 Speaker 2: it really really helped with with meeting new people and 258 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,919 Speaker 2: with my friendships. Then that that I was finally that, 259 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:11,320 Speaker 2: over a long period of time, was able to forge. 260 00:19:12,119 --> 00:19:12,960 Speaker 3: In our new town. 261 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:22,919 Speaker 2: I ended up becoming a much better listener than I 262 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:27,040 Speaker 2: think I ever had been before. And and all that too, 263 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:31,919 Speaker 2: I started becoming a better friend to people and even 264 00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:37,399 Speaker 2: started I mean, the Sun's a little weird to me even, 265 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,680 Speaker 2: but I feel like I could empathize better with folks, 266 00:19:41,119 --> 00:19:44,440 Speaker 2: but also to be a better friend to people because 267 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:50,320 Speaker 2: I then started really actually remembering things and not having 268 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:54,000 Speaker 2: to write them down, even though I still was, but 269 00:19:54,119 --> 00:19:57,600 Speaker 2: I was able to remember remember what was going on 270 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:02,160 Speaker 2: in people's lives and and follow up with them about it. 271 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:06,119 Speaker 2: That's something that's something good that has come out of 272 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:10,680 Speaker 2: this A good a good trait I think that I've acquired. 273 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:18,679 Speaker 2: As life in the New New City started unfolding, I 274 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,959 Speaker 2: realized that I there are certain things that I couldn't 275 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:27,520 Speaker 2: run away from, and one of those was that I 276 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:31,280 Speaker 2: didn't want to make things anymore, and that that was 277 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:37,720 Speaker 2: very very different. But I had no no creative inspiration. 278 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:43,440 Speaker 2: I didn't whenever I sat down at the page and 279 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:43,880 Speaker 2: and was. 280 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:47,159 Speaker 3: Like, Okay, what design are we going to make today? Nothing? 281 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:52,440 Speaker 3: Absolutely nothing, blank. But I wasn't upset about it either, 282 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:55,280 Speaker 3: in a very very weird way. 283 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:59,080 Speaker 2: I should have like I feel like I judge it. 284 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,600 Speaker 2: I judge it, and I like, oh, well, you should 285 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:05,600 Speaker 2: want to have like this is your legacy, Angeline, this 286 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:07,679 Speaker 2: is what you wanted to do. You wanted to be 287 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,680 Speaker 2: a creative. I wasn't very kind to myself a lot 288 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,960 Speaker 2: of times. But so there was a long time too 289 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,800 Speaker 2: where I was just floundering a bit for what to 290 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:24,199 Speaker 2: do with myself. I had, you know, started forging friendships 291 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:29,080 Speaker 2: and focused on being a better friend to people and 292 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:35,520 Speaker 2: being to being there more for folks in my life. 293 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:43,000 Speaker 2: And eventually I heard about this an opening for contractors 294 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,800 Speaker 2: for this litigation services company. 295 00:21:46,359 --> 00:21:48,240 Speaker 3: So they were law adjacent. 296 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:52,200 Speaker 2: They worked with mass tort law firms, so a lot 297 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:56,679 Speaker 2: like class action but you know, seeking justice for plaintiffs. 298 00:21:57,359 --> 00:22:01,000 Speaker 2: And it was you know, data and and stuff, and 299 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,880 Speaker 2: I was like, yeah, for some reason, it piqued my interest. 300 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:11,000 Speaker 2: So I ended up getting that job, getting some contract 301 00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:15,399 Speaker 2: work with this company, and I would you know, it 302 00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:20,200 Speaker 2: was data entry, but also doing you know, some more 303 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:26,080 Speaker 2: analytical work, and doing that really really made me feel 304 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:30,360 Speaker 2: feel alive again and feel like I was contributing something, 305 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:33,639 Speaker 2: especially because the nature of the work was helping people. 306 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,040 Speaker 2: I ended up working more full time for this company, 307 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:52,800 Speaker 2: and I quickly got promoted to a project coordinator and 308 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:57,480 Speaker 2: became a paralegal and was managing my own projects. I 309 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:02,320 Speaker 2: ended up feeling very fulfilled doing this for a long time. 310 00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:11,919 Speaker 2: Eventually the creativity inklings started coming back. I had missed 311 00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:15,520 Speaker 2: them for a long time, but I finally started getting 312 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:20,359 Speaker 2: ideas again. I thought that they were gone, but I 313 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,520 Speaker 2: started doing things just you know, as a hobby. I 314 00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:26,520 Speaker 2: would make you know, a little project here, you know, 315 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,680 Speaker 2: a little thing to brighten up the house there. And 316 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:36,320 Speaker 2: so so I was doing that in Knoxville and and 317 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:43,360 Speaker 2: and you know, doing my work, I started doing more 318 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:50,800 Speaker 2: hobbies like hiking and stuff. And eventually though we Luke 319 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:56,119 Speaker 2: and I. By the way, I haven't mentioned I married 320 00:23:56,160 --> 00:24:00,160 Speaker 2: this man. Of course, you know, I can't fully if 321 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:03,840 Speaker 2: I've left that out. I mean, this dude was there 322 00:24:04,359 --> 00:24:06,680 Speaker 2: during hopefully the worst. 323 00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:07,520 Speaker 3: Time of our lives. 324 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:14,080 Speaker 2: And yeah, we got married in twenty eighteen, tiny little ceremony, 325 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:22,359 Speaker 2: but uh but yeah, so we're still happy together. But 326 00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:27,960 Speaker 2: Knoxville turned out, you know, we had seven years there 327 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:35,760 Speaker 2: about and then recently this past year we decided to 328 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:40,439 Speaker 2: uh to move back to Georgia. But we've moved to 329 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:44,760 Speaker 2: North Georgia now. And so I went from a big 330 00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:50,160 Speaker 2: city to it ran away to a smaller city and 331 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:55,800 Speaker 2: now we live in the country about seven acres and 332 00:24:56,200 --> 00:25:00,800 Speaker 2: I have started I've started making ornaments again. I'm doing 333 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,880 Speaker 2: my first show in seven years, like next weekend. So 334 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:07,879 Speaker 2: I've opened the business back up again. Not in a 335 00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:11,720 Speaker 2: way that uh that I that I need to to 336 00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:12,920 Speaker 2: make things. 337 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:16,159 Speaker 5: To to to have a life like or to to 338 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:20,520 Speaker 5: find meaning in my life by making things creatively, like now, 339 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:25,160 Speaker 5: my meaning comes more from hanging out with Luke and 340 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:28,200 Speaker 5: my family and friends. 341 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:34,679 Speaker 3: And just focusing on having a delightful little life. 342 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:53,520 Speaker 2: Rather than you know, needing to be somebody. And I 343 00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:57,040 Speaker 2: know other people they experience when they have a near 344 00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:02,360 Speaker 2: death experience, they might see a light or or say that, 345 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:06,240 Speaker 2: you know, they see something. 346 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,120 Speaker 3: I didn't at all. 347 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:19,120 Speaker 2: I everything it was. It was just nothing. And I'm 348 00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:21,439 Speaker 2: not even trying to be dramatic by saying that, Like 349 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:26,359 Speaker 2: I think about it a lot, and I don't know 350 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:30,000 Speaker 2: if that's I don't know, if you know then nothing 351 00:26:30,119 --> 00:26:33,920 Speaker 2: is a bad thing or not, like you know, there, 352 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:37,320 Speaker 2: I know that there are times when we when we 353 00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,280 Speaker 2: might wish to just be able to be calm and 354 00:26:40,359 --> 00:26:45,360 Speaker 2: experience nothingness, But I don't know if that's also too. 355 00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:47,040 Speaker 3: I don't know if that's the end all be all. 356 00:26:47,119 --> 00:26:50,080 Speaker 2: I don't know if that was just you know, that 357 00:26:50,119 --> 00:26:53,840 Speaker 2: they had given me drugs to and so that was 358 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:57,919 Speaker 2: the amazing nothing that I felt. But but yet I 359 00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:03,879 Speaker 2: saw no light. I didn't see anything. And that's something 360 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:06,600 Speaker 2: that I don't think you could ever, you know, prepare 361 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:12,960 Speaker 2: yourself for or or understand unless you live that and 362 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,439 Speaker 2: then come out on the other side of it. 363 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:17,920 Speaker 3: So when I think of the. 364 00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:24,439 Speaker 2: Future, I am just very focused on filling my cup, 365 00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:29,479 Speaker 2: so to speak, like filling it with beautiful and creative things. 366 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:32,600 Speaker 2: As that's you know, as silly as that might sound. 367 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:36,359 Speaker 3: Now, I go out and I see the art. 368 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:44,520 Speaker 2: I go and I experience plays without without judging the 369 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:46,760 Speaker 2: actors on stage or you know. 370 00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:50,000 Speaker 3: I watch shows just for the joy of it. 371 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:55,080 Speaker 2: I relish in so much more that, so much more 372 00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:57,760 Speaker 2: beauty that is in the world that people put out 373 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,280 Speaker 2: and celebrate. 374 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:05,080 Speaker 3: Folks for daring to put things out there. 375 00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:10,400 Speaker 2: I think we're so hard on people and so hard 376 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:14,760 Speaker 2: on people for just trying, just trying, and really I 377 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:16,879 Speaker 2: think that's all that we can do. And sometimes it 378 00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:20,240 Speaker 2: lands and sometimes it doesn't. Yeah, I just I want 379 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:24,800 Speaker 2: to keep seeing beautiful things. I want to eat and 380 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:30,840 Speaker 2: drink you know, art, and and travel and seeing new places, 381 00:28:31,119 --> 00:28:34,560 Speaker 2: even if it's you know, an hour away. It doesn't 382 00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:39,840 Speaker 2: have to be Italy or you know, Europe. It can 383 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:45,480 Speaker 2: be the mountains, it can be your backyard even and 384 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:48,360 Speaker 2: I want to I want to be close to my 385 00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:51,800 Speaker 2: family and and close to my friends. 386 00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:56,360 Speaker 3: I think that that's the legacy. 387 00:28:56,360 --> 00:29:02,440 Speaker 2: Too that I want, is to to be good to people. 388 00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:28,960 Speaker 4: Welcome back. 389 00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:31,440 Speaker 1: This is a live again joining me for a conversation 390 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:34,600 Speaker 1: about today's story or my other alive again story. Producers 391 00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:38,920 Speaker 1: Lauren Vogelbaum, Nicholas Dakowski, and Brent Die and I'm your host, 392 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:39,920 Speaker 1: Dan Bush. 393 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:43,040 Speaker 6: I think that should be the last line of the road. 394 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,040 Speaker 6: The round table is just Nick saying, just a long pause. 395 00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:47,400 Speaker 6: We should just do a show. 396 00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:50,000 Speaker 1: We should do a show about an actor that survived 397 00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:51,440 Speaker 1: being an actor. 398 00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:56,480 Speaker 7: Do they none of them get out. 399 00:29:57,480 --> 00:30:01,080 Speaker 8: Like me with drinking. It's like, if I don't quit this, 400 00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:01,760 Speaker 8: it will murder. 401 00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:03,720 Speaker 6: It could literally be like, so you're working at home 402 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,120 Speaker 6: depot now, yep, yep, and you're happy with that? 403 00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:07,480 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, much happier. 404 00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:13,400 Speaker 1: So happy Angeline. Angeline was an actress. She talked about 405 00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:15,920 Speaker 1: she survived. Of course she didn't talk about this that 406 00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:17,040 Speaker 1: in the story, but. 407 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:19,760 Speaker 6: She talks about giving up on acting. 408 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:22,040 Speaker 7: Yeah, yeah, but a little bit. I had no idea 409 00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:24,200 Speaker 7: that she had gone through that. I was familiar with 410 00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:25,360 Speaker 7: the craft booth. 411 00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:29,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, but yeah, it's wild and I think her work 412 00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:34,320 Speaker 1: is still hanging up at Midtown Cinema. Oh yeah, tell 413 00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:38,080 Speaker 1: us about how you came across this story, Nick, and 414 00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:38,959 Speaker 1: what drew you to it. 415 00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:43,320 Speaker 8: I have known Angeline for an incredibly long time. As 416 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:46,520 Speaker 8: a matter of fact, the first time I met Angeline, 417 00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:52,640 Speaker 8: she was on stage doing a show. It was just 418 00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:56,440 Speaker 8: a series of short plays, and I met her for 419 00:30:56,480 --> 00:31:02,040 Speaker 8: the first time there and we've we've been for i 420 00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:05,760 Speaker 8: mean sixteen seventeen years probably at this point. 421 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:07,280 Speaker 7: What is time? 422 00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:12,360 Speaker 8: You can leave that one in. Yeah, I watched this 423 00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:20,200 Speaker 8: sort of Angeline stepped away from acting and started making 424 00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:26,920 Speaker 8: this incredible art using film negatives, I mean really beautiful, 425 00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:30,760 Speaker 8: intricate stuff, and really watched her, like, I mean, really 426 00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:34,680 Speaker 8: blow up. I mean, you know, she's like anybody who 427 00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:40,000 Speaker 8: has been a theater or film actor. You know, she 428 00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:43,680 Speaker 8: lived the struggle for a period of time, and like 429 00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:48,720 Speaker 8: a lot of theater and film actors, she finally reached 430 00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:52,000 Speaker 8: a point where she was like, this is bullshit. I'm 431 00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:54,239 Speaker 8: not gonna do this anymore. And she started doing this 432 00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:59,520 Speaker 8: other thing that was incredible and just different than everybody 433 00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:03,400 Speaker 8: else was doing. And you know, as a business it 434 00:32:03,480 --> 00:32:08,959 Speaker 8: really blew up. She was doing incredibly well, and I 435 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:12,840 Speaker 8: remember when you know this happened to her, this brain aneurysm, 436 00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:16,520 Speaker 8: it was just kind of like it was I know 437 00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:18,920 Speaker 8: that it must have been devastating, not only to like 438 00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:22,240 Speaker 8: not be able to utilize your body in the same 439 00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:25,800 Speaker 8: way that you're used to, but to not do the 440 00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:28,400 Speaker 8: thing that you have been doing. To have that desire 441 00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:32,120 Speaker 8: sort of suddenly removed from you, I had to have 442 00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:35,640 Speaker 8: been really, really jarring. I mean I, you know, I write, 443 00:32:35,720 --> 00:32:40,920 Speaker 8: and if I couldn't write, I would be devastating. 444 00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:44,000 Speaker 1: I identified with her story on so many levels, but 445 00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:47,640 Speaker 1: one of them was specifically that I had something similar 446 00:32:47,640 --> 00:32:51,360 Speaker 1: happen to me. It wasn't a brain aneurism, and I 447 00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:55,680 Speaker 1: didn't almost die, but I had such a big crash 448 00:32:55,760 --> 00:32:57,640 Speaker 1: in my life with when I was working on one 449 00:32:57,680 --> 00:32:59,800 Speaker 1: particular film and I had a newborn in the home 450 00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,240 Speaker 1: and I was doing I was pulling in thirty hour 451 00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:05,840 Speaker 1: sessions without sleep at the age of forty five, and 452 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:09,120 Speaker 1: by the time I got done with that stint of 453 00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:11,360 Speaker 1: in my life, I was this close to a divorce, 454 00:33:11,800 --> 00:33:16,600 Speaker 1: completely falling apart, like whatever markers indicate that your liver 455 00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:19,000 Speaker 1: is in trouble. Because I was drinking like a fish, 456 00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:22,840 Speaker 1: using adderall to keep going and then using alcohol to 457 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:25,840 Speaker 1: pass out. And it was a stretch of me doing 458 00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:28,040 Speaker 1: this and I realized, like, what the fuck am I 459 00:33:28,080 --> 00:33:31,239 Speaker 1: doing this for? Why am I killing myself to make 460 00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:34,560 Speaker 1: a movie that's this not even going to be that good, 461 00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:38,000 Speaker 1: Like we didn't have enough resources or assets to really 462 00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:39,320 Speaker 1: pull it off, and. 463 00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:42,800 Speaker 4: It caused this complete collapse. 464 00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:44,400 Speaker 1: Of my ego, Like I had to go, well, why 465 00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:46,920 Speaker 1: am I in the what ego driven narrative? Do am 466 00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:51,480 Speaker 1: I following here? That is making me risk my family 467 00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:54,320 Speaker 1: and my health to pull this off? And it was 468 00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:59,120 Speaker 1: a huge reckoning. And this was also leading up to COVID, 469 00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:01,240 Speaker 1: so there were other things that were happening that forced 470 00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:03,840 Speaker 1: me into this, into a very similar kind of situation 471 00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:07,760 Speaker 1: of going what is important? What is fucking important? Creating 472 00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:10,719 Speaker 1: stuff is important, but only to the degree that you're 473 00:34:10,760 --> 00:34:13,480 Speaker 1: giving back or fueling some sort of conversation in the community, 474 00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,080 Speaker 1: or all the wonderful things that art can do. But 475 00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:16,720 Speaker 1: if you're doing it just so you can have a career, 476 00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:19,879 Speaker 1: if you're doing it just so that you can you know, 477 00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:24,080 Speaker 1: and if it's killing you, then what you know? My 478 00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:25,400 Speaker 1: narrative had to be let go. 479 00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:26,160 Speaker 2: And all of a. 480 00:34:26,160 --> 00:34:30,040 Speaker 1: Sudden, I found myself in the present moment, not in 481 00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:33,400 Speaker 1: a I'm not like a zen Buddhist, but I was like, oh, literally, 482 00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:35,239 Speaker 1: the sun is shining on me, there's a baby next 483 00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:38,920 Speaker 1: to me, that's awesome. My friends, I miss them desperately. 484 00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:42,600 Speaker 1: My wife I miss her desperately. And so I couldn't 485 00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:46,840 Speaker 1: completely relate to if not the aneurism part, then the 486 00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:49,680 Speaker 1: ego death part for Angeline. Does that make sense? 487 00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:52,640 Speaker 8: Yeah, in the smallest way I can connect to that 488 00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:58,200 Speaker 8: because in like twenty seventeen, you have a similar thing. Oh, 489 00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:01,120 Speaker 8: I had a mini stroke. I had a tea that like, 490 00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:05,680 Speaker 8: for this is why it's nothing like angelan'ce. It's so 491 00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:07,960 Speaker 8: much smaller. But it was like a little taste of 492 00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:13,000 Speaker 8: it where I suddenly had full facial blindness and full 493 00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:17,560 Speaker 8: of phasia, could not read, could not like, could not speak, 494 00:35:17,840 --> 00:35:22,120 Speaker 8: and it lasted like a couple of hours, and literally 495 00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:25,000 Speaker 8: one of the first thoughts in my head was I 496 00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:28,560 Speaker 8: am never going to finish the project working on right now. 497 00:35:28,920 --> 00:35:31,520 Speaker 8: And it was the next you know, I went to 498 00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:33,880 Speaker 8: the hospital. They did all the tests. They were like, 499 00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:38,480 Speaker 8: there's no real damage, really minor. You are probably at 500 00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:42,280 Speaker 8: much higher risk for a stroke in the next six months. 501 00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:45,960 Speaker 8: So if this happens again, come directly to the hospital. 502 00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:50,200 Speaker 8: But this was many, many years ago. I'm no longer 503 00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:53,960 Speaker 8: that much at risk but great. I the next day, 504 00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:55,040 Speaker 8: I woke up and I was like, you know what, 505 00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:58,239 Speaker 8: maybe I should take a little easier on this project, right, 506 00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:02,160 Speaker 8: And then I think completed my journey on that one 507 00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:08,160 Speaker 8: was having a kid during the pandemic, having Zelda. It's 508 00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:11,520 Speaker 8: like I realized after a certain point, it's like most 509 00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:13,239 Speaker 8: of the work that I do now is just to 510 00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:19,160 Speaker 8: you know, so I can afford my life and a 511 00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:23,080 Speaker 8: happy life for my kid. And and I spend the 512 00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:26,080 Speaker 8: bulk of my free time not really thinking about the 513 00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:30,319 Speaker 8: work as much and more or drinking or fucking going 514 00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:33,719 Speaker 8: out and burning my candle at both ends. I come 515 00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:35,319 Speaker 8: home and I want to just kind of hang out 516 00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:38,279 Speaker 8: with my kid. And that's the whole point of doing 517 00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:40,640 Speaker 8: all that. Like, what's the point of doing anything in 518 00:36:40,640 --> 00:36:43,560 Speaker 8: this world if it's not to be with people you 519 00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:46,040 Speaker 8: love and enjoy the time you have. 520 00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:50,719 Speaker 1: Does it take us getting broken from our endeavors and 521 00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:54,000 Speaker 1: the ego of like pushing ourselves to the point where 522 00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:57,400 Speaker 1: you know, we collapse before we can go or you know, 523 00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:00,719 Speaker 1: until it's taken away from us. We can't literally, like 524 00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:03,720 Speaker 1: you said, if you couldn't write anymore, how do you adapt? 525 00:37:03,719 --> 00:37:04,400 Speaker 1: How do you adjust? 526 00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:05,879 Speaker 4: What is left, What have you lost? 527 00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:06,239 Speaker 2: What have you? 528 00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:07,239 Speaker 4: What are? 529 00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:10,760 Speaker 8: Because I you know, you know, there was a certain 530 00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:12,600 Speaker 8: point in my life where I kind of like look 531 00:37:12,680 --> 00:37:14,560 Speaker 8: back and I was like I was kind of reduced 532 00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:17,799 Speaker 8: to my functions. And I mean, and I don't want 533 00:37:17,800 --> 00:37:19,960 Speaker 8: to veer into this too much. I mean, but that's 534 00:37:19,960 --> 00:37:23,120 Speaker 8: the capitalist system. We just kind of like, we just 535 00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:24,920 Speaker 8: kind of live in a world where we're like, we 536 00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:29,120 Speaker 8: think of ourselves as consumers of workers. 537 00:37:29,239 --> 00:37:35,680 Speaker 1: As an artist, your only sort of function, as recognized 538 00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:39,920 Speaker 1: by our society, in at least in America, as an artist, 539 00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:41,279 Speaker 1: your function is to sell shit? 540 00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:42,160 Speaker 3: Right, Yeah? 541 00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:42,640 Speaker 2: That is it. 542 00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:44,680 Speaker 7: Can you produce some content? Can this go viral? 543 00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:45,960 Speaker 4: That's my one of my. 544 00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:47,360 Speaker 8: Least favorite words. Content. 545 00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:48,920 Speaker 4: Content. 546 00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:50,640 Speaker 8: It reduces everything. 547 00:37:51,160 --> 00:37:52,759 Speaker 4: You know, you're hired to sell shit. 548 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:55,120 Speaker 1: You're hired to make shit look pretty and too and 549 00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:56,520 Speaker 1: to put it on the market. 550 00:37:56,600 --> 00:37:59,520 Speaker 6: And I think it's healthy to have ambition when you're younger. 551 00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:02,520 Speaker 6: I was so inspired by the bands. I was into 552 00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:05,400 Speaker 6: the filmmakers I loved because I wanted to communicate the 553 00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:07,960 Speaker 6: way they did. I wanted to disturb something in somebody's 554 00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:10,360 Speaker 6: heart the way they did, you know, and if you 555 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:12,680 Speaker 6: could be a John Lennon or a Joe Strummer. 556 00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:15,400 Speaker 4: Not very many people get to do that. 557 00:38:16,040 --> 00:38:19,400 Speaker 6: But so you set your sights on that, or you 558 00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:21,880 Speaker 6: set your sites on developing your social scene. And I 559 00:38:21,880 --> 00:38:24,400 Speaker 6: think that's healthy to a certain age, a certain point, 560 00:38:25,360 --> 00:38:27,920 Speaker 6: and then, like Angeline, when it's not happening, you have 561 00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:29,600 Speaker 6: to have the presence of mind to step away. 562 00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:31,240 Speaker 4: She had an ego death twice. 563 00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:33,560 Speaker 6: The first time was once she gave it her acting 564 00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:37,840 Speaker 6: career and that opened this door to her ornament business, 565 00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:39,080 Speaker 6: and her work was amazing. 566 00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:41,799 Speaker 4: I've seen it. But then you look at these you 567 00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:42,279 Speaker 4: look at. 568 00:38:42,160 --> 00:38:44,680 Speaker 6: How that drives you. When you're younger, it helps you 569 00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:49,280 Speaker 6: find your spouse, find your friend group, get some notoriety whatever. 570 00:38:49,719 --> 00:38:51,560 Speaker 6: Now that I'm getting older, I'm like, what does it 571 00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:53,880 Speaker 6: matter if I would have made a hit film or 572 00:38:55,120 --> 00:38:57,640 Speaker 6: took my daughter in a for a walk in the park, 573 00:38:57,960 --> 00:39:01,480 Speaker 6: Like either one of those would have been fantastic, and 574 00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:03,680 Speaker 6: I get to be with my family. 575 00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:07,719 Speaker 7: Yeah, And just decoupling the concept of your creativity and 576 00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:11,080 Speaker 7: your artistry from the concept of needing to make money. 577 00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:12,920 Speaker 7: I mean, you know, like, it's great if you can 578 00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:15,040 Speaker 7: make a career out of something that you're really good 579 00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:17,120 Speaker 7: at and what you're really good at happens to be 580 00:39:17,640 --> 00:39:21,319 Speaker 7: writing or talking pretty into microphones or whatever it is 581 00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:25,040 Speaker 7: that it is. But right, like you know, her saying 582 00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:29,359 Speaker 7: that she was getting back into it because she wanted to. Right, 583 00:39:29,360 --> 00:39:32,080 Speaker 7: it's so freeing to me. I was like, Oh, there's 584 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:33,640 Speaker 7: hope at the end of this tunnel. 585 00:39:33,719 --> 00:39:35,880 Speaker 1: Right, she didn't have the creative spark forever and then 586 00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:39,040 Speaker 1: it started to come back, but not because she wanted 587 00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:42,920 Speaker 1: she would she say, she said, I'm focusing on having. 588 00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:46,280 Speaker 4: A delightful little life rather than needing to be somebody, 589 00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:48,240 Speaker 4: which is absive art in itself. 590 00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:51,200 Speaker 7: Oh yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm I'm not a subscriber 591 00:39:51,239 --> 00:39:54,640 Speaker 7: to like, don't worry be happy because I have clinical 592 00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:57,799 Speaker 7: depression and anxiety. I've always been a little offended by 593 00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:02,000 Speaker 7: that phrase. But you know, like you know that there 594 00:40:02,040 --> 00:40:04,040 Speaker 7: are always going to be some days where everything is 595 00:40:04,080 --> 00:40:07,640 Speaker 7: not okay, and that's fine. But part of the work is, 596 00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:11,440 Speaker 7: you know, finding beauty and things whenever you can, and 597 00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:14,319 Speaker 7: opening yourself up to the experience of just being here 598 00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:17,120 Speaker 7: because you don't know how much here you've got left. 599 00:40:17,520 --> 00:40:20,120 Speaker 1: I had that and after this the situation that I 600 00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:22,359 Speaker 1: went through, and then and then when the pandemic hit, 601 00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:26,360 Speaker 1: I had this this profound realization that was, like, you know, 602 00:40:26,400 --> 00:40:30,600 Speaker 1: the idea of like think globally, act locally, and it 603 00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:33,040 Speaker 1: occurred to me to act extremely locally, like, let me 604 00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:35,880 Speaker 1: start with the cells in my body and my gut microbioume, 605 00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:38,200 Speaker 1: then let me work outward from there to make sure 606 00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:42,120 Speaker 1: my kids are are you know, can walk like and 607 00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:46,680 Speaker 1: like literally I started to really hyper focus on everything 608 00:40:46,719 --> 00:40:49,520 Speaker 1: that was happening right in my immediate sphere and then 609 00:40:49,560 --> 00:40:52,960 Speaker 1: slowly building out from that into the neighborhood. But instead 610 00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:55,520 Speaker 1: of like, I'm going to go and you know, make 611 00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:58,080 Speaker 1: a film and take it to can. 612 00:40:59,320 --> 00:41:01,319 Speaker 4: Like that, just let that go and it was very 613 00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:02,720 Speaker 4: little I'm going to eat a tomato. 614 00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:06,040 Speaker 8: Most of the films, most of the films that I 615 00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:08,400 Speaker 8: have made, have ended up in the can. 616 00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:14,840 Speaker 6: This one thing that Angeline said at the end of 617 00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:17,960 Speaker 6: this that I think really pulled it all around is, 618 00:41:18,440 --> 00:41:20,960 Speaker 6: you know, the ambition she had for acting, the ambition 619 00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:22,879 Speaker 6: she had for business when she was younger, and how 620 00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:26,239 Speaker 6: that just kind of vanished. But now she said that 621 00:41:26,280 --> 00:41:31,040 Speaker 6: she likes to experience the beauty that other people are making. 622 00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:34,160 Speaker 6: And when she says she likes to celebrate people for 623 00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:35,880 Speaker 6: daring to put things out there. 624 00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:41,120 Speaker 4: Rather than rather than being a judgmental Yeah. 625 00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:43,839 Speaker 1: I used to Somebody asked me why I married my wife, 626 00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:47,319 Speaker 1: and I was like, well, she wasn't an actress. I 627 00:41:47,360 --> 00:41:49,360 Speaker 1: don't need or a film critic. I don't need a 628 00:41:49,360 --> 00:41:52,560 Speaker 1: film critic in my bed. I've got enough of those around, 629 00:41:52,560 --> 00:41:53,480 Speaker 1: assholes surrounding me. 630 00:41:53,640 --> 00:42:00,120 Speaker 8: No, but like, she's going to critique my body technique. 631 00:42:00,520 --> 00:42:02,120 Speaker 4: But to get to a point where you can actually 632 00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:03,640 Speaker 4: I understand that. 633 00:42:03,680 --> 00:42:05,520 Speaker 1: To get you can watch a movie and be like, Okay, 634 00:42:05,640 --> 00:42:07,680 Speaker 1: I'm not going to judge this because I'm not going 635 00:42:07,719 --> 00:42:09,680 Speaker 1: to hold it to these stupid film school standards. 636 00:42:09,680 --> 00:42:11,040 Speaker 4: I'm just gonna watch the fucking movie. 637 00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:14,520 Speaker 6: She knows what Joyett, what luck it takes to be 638 00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:16,359 Speaker 6: in a position to even do it and then have 639 00:42:16,400 --> 00:42:18,319 Speaker 6: the guts to do it, and how hard it is. 640 00:42:18,680 --> 00:42:20,839 Speaker 6: When she said, I don't judge it. You know, you 641 00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:23,040 Speaker 6: try something and then sometimes it lands, and sometimes it does. 642 00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:26,399 Speaker 6: I used to be a music critic. I would take 643 00:42:26,440 --> 00:42:29,200 Speaker 6: my idols to task because they didn't meet this high 644 00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:30,800 Speaker 6: standard I had for them in my mind. 645 00:42:31,160 --> 00:42:34,319 Speaker 4: Now I'm like, did you asked Paul McCartney, A few 646 00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:34,840 Speaker 4: tough questions. 647 00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:37,879 Speaker 6: I asked Paul McCartney how the guy who wrote Hey 648 00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:40,600 Speaker 6: Jude and Helter Skelter could write The Dog Gone Girl 649 00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:42,560 Speaker 6: is Mine? 650 00:42:43,320 --> 00:42:45,440 Speaker 4: And he said, I'm multi talented. 651 00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:54,800 Speaker 1: Did There's one other thing I wanted to get Yell's 652 00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:56,879 Speaker 1: take on or I don't know if this is even 653 00:42:57,160 --> 00:42:59,600 Speaker 1: we might cut this or not, but it is the 654 00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:03,960 Speaker 1: first near death experience story that we've recorded where somebody 655 00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:06,799 Speaker 1: said it wasn't it wasn't a light, it wasn't an 656 00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:10,600 Speaker 1: out of body experience. There was no meeting of ancestors 657 00:43:10,640 --> 00:43:12,520 Speaker 1: and people who had passed before me, and there's no 658 00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:18,640 Speaker 1: life review. She said it was just nothing, and I 659 00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:21,960 Speaker 1: haven't heard anybody say that yet on our show of 660 00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:24,520 Speaker 1: the forty or so you recordings we've done. 661 00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:28,080 Speaker 8: Maybe the DMT in her brain didn't activate. 662 00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:31,680 Speaker 1: Maybe maybe it was just the brain chemistry because of 663 00:43:31,760 --> 00:43:34,600 Speaker 1: the aneurysm it could have been, or maybe there's nothing. 664 00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:41,560 Speaker 8: All right, that's the next episode, moving on. 665 00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:45,080 Speaker 6: That's a good win to end it on, so everybody 666 00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:47,759 Speaker 6: can the people who listen to the podcasts are going 667 00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:48,360 Speaker 6: to bed. 668 00:43:48,760 --> 00:43:53,680 Speaker 8: What or maybe there's when tonight? 669 00:43:54,800 --> 00:44:00,360 Speaker 7: Maybe I mean she kind of said it on that 670 00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:01,080 Speaker 7: sounds peaceful. 671 00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:04,480 Speaker 8: I'm not to say it's like, I'm like, wait, you 672 00:44:04,520 --> 00:44:05,960 Speaker 8: mean I can be alone. 673 00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:07,920 Speaker 7: We've been arguing for the meteor all more. 674 00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:09,200 Speaker 4: Yeah, like bring it. 675 00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:13,440 Speaker 1: Have you guys formulated any definite decisions about whether you 676 00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:17,839 Speaker 1: think that there's afterlife or not or nothing this or No? 677 00:44:18,120 --> 00:44:18,800 Speaker 2: I haven't. 678 00:44:19,400 --> 00:44:20,640 Speaker 7: I don't even have tattoos. 679 00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:27,680 Speaker 4: I'm you're talking about. 680 00:44:27,719 --> 00:44:34,520 Speaker 8: Man, It took me twenty minutes to decide whether I 681 00:44:34,560 --> 00:44:38,800 Speaker 8: wanted creamer this morning. No, I haven't made any decisions. 682 00:44:39,200 --> 00:44:40,279 Speaker 8: Why do you think I'm here? 683 00:44:40,800 --> 00:44:41,000 Speaker 2: Yeah? 684 00:44:41,400 --> 00:44:43,839 Speaker 7: No, I mean I think. I think I'm pretty much 685 00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:46,200 Speaker 7: an atheist and I pretty strongly believe that there is 686 00:44:46,239 --> 00:44:48,560 Speaker 7: going to be nothing, But I'm also incredibly open to 687 00:44:48,600 --> 00:44:50,880 Speaker 7: the concept of any. I mean, there's so many weird 688 00:44:50,920 --> 00:44:53,280 Speaker 7: things in the universe that we can't explain with science, 689 00:44:53,920 --> 00:44:58,040 Speaker 7: and we've tried yet and yet hey, good one. 690 00:44:58,239 --> 00:45:00,640 Speaker 6: You know what's funny, though, is the interview I just 691 00:45:00,680 --> 00:45:03,120 Speaker 6: did with the homeless guy Matthew Fortune had the exact 692 00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:08,400 Speaker 6: same experience Angeline did, where he just experienced this nothingness 693 00:45:08,920 --> 00:45:11,359 Speaker 6: and it haunted him. And this is a guy who 694 00:45:11,640 --> 00:45:13,840 Speaker 6: is a Christian. He talks about his faith and he 695 00:45:13,960 --> 00:45:16,200 Speaker 6: was like when I died, it was like the lights 696 00:45:16,239 --> 00:45:18,200 Speaker 6: went out and that was it. And I always thought, 697 00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:19,560 Speaker 6: well that, like you said, I was like, well that 698 00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:21,240 Speaker 6: sounds kind of soothing. You're just not exists. 699 00:45:21,239 --> 00:45:21,839 Speaker 4: How would you know? 700 00:45:22,400 --> 00:45:23,480 Speaker 8: And it terrified? 701 00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:26,240 Speaker 4: Did she did? I don't mean interrupt. 702 00:45:26,280 --> 00:45:28,920 Speaker 1: Did Angeline have a memory of the Nothing? Like does 703 00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:31,520 Speaker 1: she remember being in the Nothing? Or was she like 704 00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:33,319 Speaker 1: I just don't have any memory at all. 705 00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:37,120 Speaker 8: I don't remember. I didn't really listen to. 706 00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:39,439 Speaker 4: We don't have to put that in the show. 707 00:45:39,440 --> 00:45:40,600 Speaker 8: But I just was like, oh I don't. 708 00:45:40,640 --> 00:45:42,799 Speaker 7: I just listened last night, and I don't have a 709 00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:45,359 Speaker 7: strong memory of exactly what she said right there. 710 00:45:45,480 --> 00:45:47,000 Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm like scrubbing. 711 00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:49,360 Speaker 7: My audio files in my brain. You can like watching 712 00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:49,759 Speaker 7: as I do. 713 00:45:49,840 --> 00:45:55,400 Speaker 8: It's it's really interesting that you that you like clicked 714 00:45:55,440 --> 00:45:58,080 Speaker 8: on that too, Dan, because like that's not even something 715 00:45:58,120 --> 00:46:01,520 Speaker 8: that I It's like it didn't even like register in 716 00:46:01,560 --> 00:46:06,759 Speaker 8: my brain. I was like, oh, yes, nothing, I know 717 00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:12,840 Speaker 8: that nothing. Yeah, it's uh, it's like it didn't even register. 718 00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:15,080 Speaker 8: It was like my brain just like took that information. 719 00:46:15,280 --> 00:46:17,400 Speaker 1: Was like, okay, I just like it because it challenges 720 00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:21,400 Speaker 1: the sort of typical narratives about near death experiences that 721 00:46:21,520 --> 00:46:24,480 Speaker 1: are floating and you know, in collective consciousness right now, 722 00:46:24,480 --> 00:46:25,960 Speaker 1: like I don't you don't hear too many of these, 723 00:46:25,960 --> 00:46:27,399 Speaker 1: So I was really curious about it. 724 00:46:27,360 --> 00:46:29,520 Speaker 8: And certainly in the show, I mean, right, you. 725 00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:31,120 Speaker 1: Know, yeah, that's what I'm trying to figure out, like 726 00:46:31,200 --> 00:46:35,160 Speaker 1: was Angeline just did she just have a memory like blackout? 727 00:46:35,280 --> 00:46:37,439 Speaker 1: Or or was she in the nothing? Which is also 728 00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:41,520 Speaker 1: counter because it means that you're you're in you're maybe 729 00:46:41,960 --> 00:46:44,400 Speaker 1: there is consciousness about the nothing, so it's not nothing, 730 00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:45,919 Speaker 1: it's just the whole thing. 731 00:46:45,880 --> 00:46:48,840 Speaker 4: Is maybe she was sentenced to purgatory. 732 00:46:49,200 --> 00:46:54,000 Speaker 8: Oh, I mean, purgatory sounds pretty quiet. 733 00:46:56,520 --> 00:46:58,520 Speaker 4: It's just a lot of mirrors. Nick, you you. 734 00:46:58,520 --> 00:47:02,560 Speaker 8: Guys are not like not you're selling the concept of 735 00:47:02,600 --> 00:47:04,440 Speaker 8: nothing to me. Really well, I don't know if that's 736 00:47:04,480 --> 00:47:05,120 Speaker 8: your intentions. 737 00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:07,920 Speaker 4: Just a fun house, that's all. It is, an endless funhouse. 738 00:47:08,120 --> 00:47:09,560 Speaker 8: There's nothing fun about this house. 739 00:47:09,760 --> 00:47:10,520 Speaker 1: No, it's all. 740 00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:12,600 Speaker 8: This is not a fun house. 741 00:47:12,680 --> 00:47:15,720 Speaker 4: This house is hanted a carnival ride. They won't stop 742 00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:18,560 Speaker 4: that one I can get yet. 743 00:47:18,800 --> 00:47:23,680 Speaker 8: It's like yeah, all right, all right, so we're ending 744 00:47:23,680 --> 00:47:29,480 Speaker 8: on nothing. But yeah, yeah, it's like very Shakespeare. 745 00:47:30,080 --> 00:47:32,360 Speaker 7: Get a good reaver behind the Moro and. 746 00:47:37,520 --> 00:47:39,960 Speaker 1: Next time in Alive Again, we'll meet Resa Bailey, who 747 00:47:40,040 --> 00:47:42,960 Speaker 1: was a theology student working through a crisis of faith 748 00:47:43,080 --> 00:47:45,120 Speaker 1: when the lower half of her body was crushed in 749 00:47:45,200 --> 00:47:47,440 Speaker 1: a rock slide at the base of the Grand Canyon. 750 00:47:47,680 --> 00:47:51,200 Speaker 1: After her harrowing rescue through rapids and a turbulent airlift, 751 00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:52,960 Speaker 1: she came to a new understanding. 752 00:47:54,800 --> 00:47:57,839 Speaker 2: I lost very close to fifty percent of my blood 753 00:47:57,920 --> 00:47:59,840 Speaker 2: volume and I was bleeding to death. 754 00:48:00,280 --> 00:48:01,640 Speaker 8: That God cause my injury. 755 00:48:01,760 --> 00:48:04,400 Speaker 3: Was that a part of God's plan? And I just 756 00:48:04,520 --> 00:48:06,600 Speaker 3: came to realize that I don't believe that. 757 00:48:06,760 --> 00:48:09,800 Speaker 2: I believe that things just happen, and it's our faith 758 00:48:09,880 --> 00:48:10,720 Speaker 2: it gets us through. 759 00:48:15,480 --> 00:48:19,200 Speaker 1: Our story. Producers are Dan Bush, Kate Sweeney, Brent die 760 00:48:19,440 --> 00:48:24,080 Speaker 1: Nicholas Dakoski, and Lauren Vogelbaum. Music by Ben Lovett, additional 761 00:48:24,120 --> 00:48:28,200 Speaker 1: music by Alexander Rodriguez. Our executive producers are Matthew Frederick 762 00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:31,440 Speaker 1: and Trevor Young. Special thanks to Alexander Williams for additional 763 00:48:31,440 --> 00:48:35,480 Speaker 1: production support. Our studio engineers are Rima El Kali and 764 00:48:35,560 --> 00:48:39,600 Speaker 1: Nomes Griffin. Today's episode was edited by Mike w Anderson, 765 00:48:40,080 --> 00:48:43,560 Speaker 1: mixing by Ben Lovett and Alexander Rodriguez. I'm your host, 766 00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:47,240 Speaker 1: Dan Bush. Special thanks to Angeline Pass for sharing her story. 767 00:48:47,640 --> 00:48:49,200 Speaker 1: Click the link in our show notes to find out 768 00:48:49,239 --> 00:48:52,279 Speaker 1: more about Angeline and her work. Alive Again is a 769 00:48:52,280 --> 00:48:55,719 Speaker 1: production of iHeart Radio and Psychopia Pictures. If you have 770 00:48:55,800 --> 00:48:58,759 Speaker 1: a transformative near death experience to share, we'd love to 771 00:48:58,800 --> 00:49:02,480 Speaker 1: hear your story. Please email us at a Live Again 772 00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:06,560 Speaker 1: Project at gmail dot com. That's a l i v 773 00:49:06,719 --> 00:49:09,960 Speaker 1: e A g A I N p R O j 774 00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:26,120 Speaker 1: E c T at gmail dot com.