Speaker 1: Hello Catherine.
Speaker 2: Oh, hello Chelsea. How's New York City?
Speaker 3: New York City is blossoming. It's just beautiful. It's almost summertime.
Speaker 3: Spring is in the air. It was sunny, delightful.
Speaker 1: I came home.
Speaker 3: I got here you last night, and I was tempted
Speaker 3: to go out with some friends, but I decided, you
Speaker 3: know what, I was going to take the night to myself,
Speaker 3: and instead I took his annex and I read one
Speaker 3: of our podcast guest books that we have coming up.
Speaker 3: And I was just a really responsible adult woman who's
Speaker 3: fifty years old.
Speaker 2: My gosh, look at you.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm very responsible, but you do like a night in.
Speaker 4: You're someone who enjoys their own company, and I think
Speaker 4: that's very good.
Speaker 3: Yes, I very much enjoyed my own company. I had
Speaker 3: a lot of company this week. I went out a
Speaker 3: lot this week. I saw a lot. I did a
Speaker 3: lot of socializing in Los Angeles, and I did the
Speaker 3: La Festival of Books, which was a joy. Oh, it
Speaker 3: was so fun. I love books. I like being around books,
Speaker 3: and I like talking about books. That is my passion.
Speaker 4: They even smell good, like they feel good, like I
Speaker 4: love when you get a new book, and like the
Speaker 4: pages might feel a little different than the last one
Speaker 4: you read.
Speaker 2: I mean, it's like the little things, you know.
Speaker 3: I'm reading about seven books right now, so I could,
Speaker 3: and I like to read them a hard copy. So
Speaker 3: it's hard to travel with seven books because I'm on
Speaker 3: my way. I'm bouncing around. I'm done with La for
Speaker 3: a bit. I won't be in La for two months now,
Speaker 3: so I go from here, I think, to Whistler, and
Speaker 3: then somewhere in Chicago, then New York.
Speaker 1: And then Rekuvic and then Belfast.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna spend a couple of days at Belfast because
Speaker 3: I feel like there's gonna be some good history shit
Speaker 3: going on down up there over there.
Speaker 4: I'm reading actually a book right now about the IRA.
Speaker 4: I believe it's Say Nothing, and there's a Hulu series
Speaker 4: about it now, so it's thrilling.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I'm very interested in that history. I don't know
Speaker 3: enough about it, so I'm just gonna i'll lend it
Speaker 3: to you. My cousin's good like me. She likes shit
Speaker 3: like that. Okay, So our guests today, we have two
Speaker 3: episodes we're dropping today. One is with our guest, who
Speaker 3: is a New York Times bestselling author, and host of
Speaker 3: It's me Tinks on Sirius XM. Her newest book is
Speaker 3: called Hotter in the Hamptons and it's out May sixth.
Speaker 3: Please welcome Tinks Hi, Tinksy, Winksy. It's the one. It's
Speaker 3: the only It's Tins with a bigger microphone.
Speaker 5: Oh hell yeah, bigger, the bigger, the better size matters, baby.
Speaker 1: I know, but when I met you, you were using
Speaker 1: a little.
Speaker 3: Vienna sausage microphone, and I know sometimes you sometimes go
Speaker 3: back to that. You do sometimes have the little microphone,
Speaker 3: but I love seeing you with a big black mic
Speaker 3: in your hand.
Speaker 1: Big dat.
Speaker 5: Yeah, this is a big This is more my size.
Speaker 5: I've upgraded, but I do still keep mini mic around
Speaker 5: for the bit. But everybody else started doing mini mic, so.
Speaker 3: I still saw that. And I did see that you
Speaker 3: started a trend. You're a trend center. Yes, oh my god, congratulations.
Speaker 3: Tinks has a new book out. Everybody. It's a new book.
Speaker 3: And guess what. It's fiction this time, and it's called
Speaker 3: Hotter in the Hamptons. And I'm going to guess that
Speaker 3: it's not autobiographical at all.
Speaker 1: Well, it's you know, they say, to write what you know.
Speaker 5: It's about an influencer who gets canceled and then goes
Speaker 5: to the Hamptons to get her groove back. Maybe some
Speaker 5: of that I experienced, Maybe some of it I didn't.
Speaker 3: You know, it feels like it's very eerily similar to
Speaker 3: the truth. But listen, every work of fiction is based
Speaker 3: on authors, on some truth from the author. It's impossible
Speaker 3: to I mean, it's not impossible. I guess there are
Speaker 3: lots of authors who could write fiction, who've been trained
Speaker 3: in writing fiction. But I think when a celebrity writes fiction,
Speaker 3: and many people write fiction, you have to bring stuff
Speaker 3: in from your life. So that's totally understandable and actually
Speaker 3: more enticing in my opinion.
Speaker 1: I want to know. I want to know what's real
Speaker 1: what's not.
Speaker 3: First of all, It Takes is already a New York
Speaker 3: Times bestseller because she had her first book, which was
Speaker 3: called Shelled the Shift.
Speaker 1: Which was a New York Times bestseller.
Speaker 3: So this is her second foray into the book industry.
Speaker 1: And this is like.
Speaker 3: A weird love story that takes place in the Hamptons, Yes,
Speaker 3: and that starts out as enemy. They start out as
Speaker 3: enemies and then slowly, actually not that slowly, because that
Speaker 3: is when things start to come out of people's pants.
Speaker 5: It's a classic enemies to lovers situation. And yeah, I
Speaker 5: mean I kind of like whenever I'm reading a smut
Speaker 5: erotica book, I'm like, get to.
Speaker 1: The sex already.
Speaker 5: So yes, it starts pretty early on because I feel
Speaker 5: like that's why people are reading it, So you've got
Speaker 5: to give them a little juiciness early, early, up front.
Speaker 1: Otherwise you're like, I don't care, I'll get to the
Speaker 1: sex part.
Speaker 3: So yeah, that's actually very formulaic, right. You were saying, Catherine,
Speaker 3: that that romance books typically, I just want you to
Speaker 3: know ticks.
Speaker 1: This is the ticks.
Speaker 3: I can't even fucking talk today. I want you to
Speaker 3: know tics that this is the first fucking romance novel
Speaker 3: I've read in my entire huge.
Speaker 1: Only because it's you.
Speaker 3: Yes, I've never I can't read romance because I just
Speaker 3: find it so ridiculous. And this was very entertaining and
Speaker 3: Stevie and yeah, well, very steamy, very steamy. I have
Speaker 3: to ask you, when you write so much about queer sex,
Speaker 3: have you experienced queer sex?
Speaker 1: This book is about Lola, not about me, but.
Speaker 5: That question is have you experienced my diplomatic answer.
Speaker 1: This is about Lola. It's it's about her journey.
Speaker 5: A lot of straight women follow me, and I want
Speaker 5: this book to be a fantasy for them, or you know,
Speaker 5: I want it. I want them to experience new fantasies
Speaker 5: because of this book. And the reason I love reading,
Speaker 5: not just in general, not just smut or erotica, but
Speaker 5: reading in general is it's like one of the only
Speaker 5: times that we imagine as an adult, like we're going
Speaker 5: about our day, we have work, we have a million
Speaker 5: things to do, da da da, and our creativity and
Speaker 5: our imagination just gets smaller and smaller because we don't
Speaker 5: have room to play. And when you read, you imagine,
Speaker 5: and that's why I'm so obsessed with reading.
Speaker 1: So I hope this.
Speaker 5: Book opens people up and makes them really horny. That
Speaker 5: is my number one goal is to make people horny
Speaker 5: this summer. I think horniness is very, very criminally undervalued
Speaker 5: in society today. I think it's important to be horny,
Speaker 5: whether you're in a relationship, whether you're single, whether your
Speaker 5: marriage doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: So that is what I want to achieve with this book.
Speaker 3: Vagina's opening everywhere from the East to the West. I
Speaker 3: also endorse horniness and I think it is a very
Speaker 3: healthy way to go through life is to be horny,
Speaker 3: to go after what you want, to be open to
Speaker 3: different kinds of sexual experiences and escapades if you will,
Speaker 3: and to get after it. I mean, what's the point
Speaker 3: of being a woman if you're not going to have
Speaker 3: fun with your body?
Speaker 5: Like literally, just get after it, have fun. Don't close
Speaker 5: yourself off to anything. I think we really all need
Speaker 5: to just be open to anything. Being a woman, being
Speaker 5: in your sexuality is so powerful when you own it,
Speaker 5: when you say yeah, actually I am horny today, or
Speaker 5: when you say yeah, that person turns me on, or
Speaker 5: this thing I read turns me on, whatever, that's so powerful.
Speaker 5: I feel like being sexual as a woman has been
Speaker 5: so villainized in so many ways, and it's not about
Speaker 5: necessarily being slutty. This is a huge difference, and I
Speaker 5: feel like that's what they want you to us to believe, like, oh,
Speaker 5: if you're if you you know you're horny, you're a
Speaker 5: bad woman and you're sludy.
Speaker 1: That's not true at all.
Speaker 5: We as women are our sexuality is like connected to
Speaker 5: the cosmos. It's very powerful, and the more that you're
Speaker 5: in that, the more powerful you'll.
Speaker 3: Be, and slutty is just a word created by men
Speaker 3: to categorize women who want to sleep with more than them.
Speaker 1: You know what I mean exactly.
Speaker 3: First of all, it's so empowering to be sexually free
Speaker 3: and sexually liberated. It's especially if you're a single woman
Speaker 3: and you haven't committed yourself to anyone yet.
Speaker 1: It's like, it's exploration.
Speaker 3: It's finding out not only what you like, it's finding
Speaker 3: out what you're attracted to, what your standards are, what
Speaker 3: you desire like. It's so much better to be open
Speaker 3: minded than to be narrow minded in terms of sexuality.
Speaker 1: So it's a nice exploration of that in this book. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: let's talk about Well, I mean, are you in New
Speaker 1: York right now?
Speaker 3: It looks like your background. Yeah, that doesn't look like
Speaker 3: an LA background. I just saw Tanks recently on my
Speaker 3: book tour, and she was nice enough to host me
Speaker 3: at the ninety second Street Why and interviewed me fun
Speaker 3: and then we went to my birthday party, and then
Speaker 3: you were we were talking about New York in LA,
Speaker 3: and in this book there's a lot of New York
Speaker 3: in LA comparisons. So basically you were saying, how much
Speaker 3: you love New York and your desire to be there
Speaker 3: more permanently.
Speaker 1: Talk to me about that a little bit.
Speaker 5: I'm just in a season of my life where I
Speaker 5: like to be in New York. You know, I found
Speaker 5: it far easier more sex in New York for sure,
Speaker 5: to more sex for sure and more community just where
Speaker 5: I am in my life. I am single, and I
Speaker 5: like a very full social life. I like to see
Speaker 5: my friends every week. I like to do things spontaneously.
Speaker 5: I like to say, Hey, let's go get a martini
Speaker 5: at Finale's right now. And I want to have ten
Speaker 5: friends who can do that. And the truth is I
Speaker 5: couldn't do that in La. You know, it's just not
Speaker 5: set up for that.
Speaker 3: No One wants to have a martini in the middle
Speaker 3: of the day in La no one.
Speaker 1: No no one wants to have a martina out of
Speaker 1: Friday night. They say, oh, you know, we can't. The traffic.
Speaker 1: The uber this is that.
Speaker 3: When every ray is sober, and everyone is sober here,
Speaker 3: everyone's sober.
Speaker 5: Oh I don't the calories this and that. I'm like,
Speaker 5: oh my god, Like I just I want to have fun.
Speaker 5: I'm in a very big fun era of my life
Speaker 5: and I want the place that I live to reflect.
Speaker 5: That doesn't mean that there's not great things about LA.
Speaker 5: There are fantastic things about La. If you are very
Speaker 5: wealthy and you have a family, LA is a nice.
Speaker 1: Place to live.
Speaker 5: There's a lot of great place things to do in LA.
Speaker 5: It's just not if you're single and horny and like
Speaker 5: want to go out all the time. It's kind of
Speaker 5: a little difficult.
Speaker 3: I've been trying to move to New York for about
Speaker 3: five years now, and this house in LA that will
Speaker 3: never be finished that I'm under construction on once again.
Speaker 3: I'm out of my house once again, callers. I am
Speaker 3: living at a friend's house without my dog dog.
Speaker 1: Not for long, though.
Speaker 3: I'm heading back to Whistler in a couple of days.
Speaker 3: But I cannot wait to finish this house. Fucking sell
Speaker 3: it rent. I don't give a shit what happens, but
Speaker 3: I cannot wait to get an apartment in New York
Speaker 3: City and start living the life that you're describing.
Speaker 1: I'm so late. I'm fifty.
Speaker 3: I should have done this when I was forty, but whatever,
Speaker 3: I don't care about time. I'm even hotter now than
Speaker 3: I was at forty, so it's gonna be even more exciting.
Speaker 3: And everybody's divorced now, so like this is the time
Speaker 3: to get back to wait.
Speaker 1: For my friends to get divorced.
Speaker 5: I know that's evil, but I cannot wait for them
Speaker 5: to come back to me right now.
Speaker 1: I'm in the phase where.
Speaker 5: They're all like hunkering down and like having the kids,
Speaker 5: and I'm like, just I'll bide my time.
Speaker 1: I'll wait, I'll wait. You're gonna, yeah, you're gonna come
Speaker 1: back to me.
Speaker 3: And also men break up with their wives at this time,
Speaker 3: Like there's a lot of divorce that happens between the
Speaker 3: ages of forty and fifty, so it's good to catch
Speaker 3: someone on the tail end of their divorce, you know
Speaker 3: what I mean, If you're looking for someone who's not
Speaker 3: ready for a commitment and you're looking to have fun.
Speaker 5: Or if you are looking for a commitment, I feel
Speaker 5: like a divorce guy could be great for me. That
Speaker 5: doesn't scare me at all. In fact, it sounds actually
Speaker 5: like it could be good. Like a guy who's, you know,
Speaker 5: in his early forties, he's been divorced, maybe he has
Speaker 5: one kid, so he's not stressed about having more. Because
Speaker 5: I'm not sure that I want kids, so I don't
Speaker 5: want that pressure on me.
Speaker 1: And I think that could be great for me. But yeah,
Speaker 1: but he's gotta want to have fun.
Speaker 5: It doesn't sound fun to me to just like be
Speaker 5: in a in a nuclear family unit or whatever.
Speaker 1: That's not that doesn't appeal to me.
Speaker 5: I want someone who's like, let's go to Mexico City
Speaker 5: this weekend and like, I don't know, take mushrooms at
Speaker 5: SOHO house. Like that's the kind of basic shit that
Speaker 5: really gets me off. And I want a guy who
Speaker 5: wants to do that with me.
Speaker 3: We're on the same page things. We're on the exact
Speaker 3: same page actually apparently exactly apparently of the exact same
Speaker 3: book Hotter in the Hampton's another thing you said to
Speaker 3: me when we spoke last time. I think this was
Speaker 3: on your podcast or I don't know, maybe it was private,
Speaker 3: but we'll talk about it. It was about how annoying
Speaker 3: men are and how bored you are. Now was that
Speaker 3: directed just at La or is that just an overall
Speaker 3: sentiment because it's you're not alone, obviously, I'm sure you're
Speaker 3: well aware.
Speaker 5: I my problem with data is not that I go
Speaker 5: on all these dates and nobody likes me.
Speaker 1: And whatever.
Speaker 5: I find the conversation so boring. I'm almost boords tears.
Speaker 5: And I'm not saying that in a rude way or
Speaker 5: to be a bit or whatever. But the most of
Speaker 5: the men I meet, I find them to be very
Speaker 5: one dimensional.
Speaker 1: And when I meet women.
Speaker 5: Every time I meet a woman, she's like, oh, this morning,
Speaker 5: I woke up and I ran a ten k and
Speaker 5: then I baked some vegan muffins for my dog because
Speaker 5: he's going through some health issues. And then I went
Speaker 5: to my job, and then I did this and that
Speaker 5: ed and I'm like, wow, I want to be your
Speaker 5: best friend and I want to know everything about you.
Speaker 5: And when I meet men, they're like, it's just it's
Speaker 5: so hard to like get in there.
Speaker 1: And look, I've loved men in the past.
Speaker 5: I've found men interesting in the past, but as I
Speaker 5: get older, I do find it more and more difficult
Speaker 5: to find men who are super dimensional. And that is
Speaker 5: a problem I'm having with dating right now, because every
Speaker 5: time I go on a date, I'm like, oh, I'd
Speaker 5: rather be with my friends.
Speaker 3: I thought I liked this guy, and we were facetiming,
Speaker 3: and there were a couple of moments of silent like
Speaker 3: awkward silence.
Speaker 1: I mean, face time is a pretty awkward when you
Speaker 1: don't know somebody.
Speaker 3: Well, I actually prefer not to have that happened, but
Speaker 3: this person assaulted me with a FaceTime a few times,
Speaker 3: and I just I'm at the place in my life
Speaker 3: where I just I'm not filling in gaps of silence,
Speaker 3: like I don't care if it's awkward. Then you talk
Speaker 3: like I don't have anything to tell you, or I'm
Speaker 3: pretty confident with who I am and that the moments
Speaker 3: of silence just were just I just was like, it's
Speaker 3: a fun experiment to like look at somebody and go, what, okay,
Speaker 3: are you going to say something? Because I'm actually not
Speaker 3: going to say something, And to be on the phone
Speaker 3: and have that happen.
Speaker 1: You're like, this is so ridiculous. It's like ridiculous. You
Speaker 1: don't have anything to do. I just met you, you
Speaker 1: don't have anything to tell me. No, It's it's wild.
Speaker 5: And a lot of men also like I don't like
Speaker 5: to man bash too much because then I feel like
Speaker 5: it kind of makes my points less powerful.
Speaker 1: I'm truly not man bashing.
Speaker 5: But something that I have found very broadly with dating
Speaker 5: today is like men don't ask you questions. And because
Speaker 5: I have my call in show, this is something that
Speaker 5: happens to a lot of young women right now.
Speaker 1: Women we go on these dates and we're like, well,
Speaker 1: where did you go and what did you see?
Speaker 5: And whata da da da, and like we will fill
Speaker 5: the silence and we will ask questions because we're genuinely
Speaker 5: curious about the other person. If you're on the other
Speaker 5: on a date or if you're on a FaceTime, surely
Speaker 5: you must have something to ask the person.
Speaker 1: But they but they don't.
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, No, it's unreal that how they will talk
Speaker 3: about themselves and then fail to ask you a question
Speaker 3: about yourself. You're trying to date me, you're not curious
Speaker 3: about anything? I mean, I know it's all pretty public,
Speaker 3: but don't you want to know anything personal about me?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 5: I went on a Hinge date last year and I
Speaker 5: actually I was in a really low point in dating.
Speaker 5: So I was like, whatever, I'm going to do an experiment,
Speaker 5: and I actually asked him a lot of questions, Like
Speaker 5: I was really on my shit, you know, not in
Speaker 5: a crazy way, but I was very, very forthcoming with
Speaker 5: my questions. We went for forty two minutes before he
Speaker 5: asked me a question about myself forty two What was
Speaker 5: the question? He was like, what do you I don't
Speaker 5: actually know what your job is? And I was forty
Speaker 5: two minutes we were in and at that point my
Speaker 5: martini was done. I go, you know what, I'm gonna
Speaker 5: be real with you. I'm not feeling it. I'm going
Speaker 5: to go home. And I went home.
Speaker 1: Oh, good for you. I love saying that. I love
Speaker 1: saying that.
Speaker 5: I'm like, how insane is that? Forty two minutes and
Speaker 5: you don't think, Oh, this is a conversation. It goes
Speaker 5: back and forth, and I should be interested in this person.
Speaker 2: Well, and like that's the question that he came up with.
Speaker 1: I don't know what you do for a living? Like
Speaker 1: that's yeah. And by the way, it's not even a question.
Speaker 1: It's not even a question. Like if the date automatically
Speaker 1: goes to, oh what do you do? Where are you from?
Speaker 5: It's just like, come on, be more interesting, say oh,
Speaker 5: I saw this thing today, or I'll have you watched
Speaker 5: that show.
Speaker 3: Up something that's unrelated to both of you. Talk about
Speaker 3: a subject of matter. That's what I want to hear about.
Speaker 3: I went on a date the other night somebody would
Speaker 3: set me up.
Speaker 1: That was nice.
Speaker 3: And I walked into the bar and this guy was
Speaker 3: wearing a bomber jacket and drinking chardonnay, and I just thought,
Speaker 3: what honestly, And I sat down and I said, I
Speaker 3: don't have a lot of time. I probably only have
Speaker 3: fifteen minutes. And I ordered a tankerrey and soda and
Speaker 3: then I he was like, I'm going to get another
Speaker 3: glass of charonay, and I said, well, enjoy it because
Speaker 3: I'm leaving. And I left and it was literally fifteen minutes,
Speaker 3: because that's how much time I have to spend with
Speaker 3: people like I am not in the business.
Speaker 1: As you're not in the business.
Speaker 3: At a certain age, you stop pretending that you have
Speaker 3: to make people feel good. It doesn't matter. I need
Speaker 3: to feel good. I need to go home and get sleep.
Speaker 3: I don't need to waste this take away and soda
Speaker 3: on you. I'd rather go home and take an edible
Speaker 3: and go to bed, like I don't.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's the thing.
Speaker 5: Also is like, if you are a person who's in
Speaker 5: command of their own life and who lives intentionally and
Speaker 5: has a lot of fun, which isn't a lot of people,
Speaker 5: no shade, but you know, a lot of people don't
Speaker 5: have command of their own emotions, Like I just don't
Speaker 5: want to waste my time with something that isn't good
Speaker 5: for either of us. And I think that people need
Speaker 5: to be more forthcoming. But I also think people need
Speaker 5: to not take it so personally. If you go on
Speaker 5: a date and it ends quickly, sometimes girls will write
Speaker 5: to me and they'll be like, I'm so upset.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, you didn't like him either.
Speaker 5: It's okay to just cut your losses and be like,
Speaker 5: all right, we tried cool, see you next time. Time
Speaker 5: is so precious. Time is the only limited resource we have.
Speaker 5: Is the only thing we can't get back. You can
Speaker 5: get back everything else, you can never get back time.
Speaker 5: And the way that we throw time away in our
Speaker 5: twenties just on these like endless dates on you know,
Speaker 5: the apps and da da da, sitting there dating someone
Speaker 5: for three months when you know that they're a loser,
Speaker 5: Like you're better to go home and read a book
Speaker 5: and take an edible and go to bed. Your time
Speaker 5: on earth is genuinely better spent on that, because you know,
Speaker 5: people need to get over the fact that, like, you're
Speaker 5: not going to die if you're single. You could die
Speaker 5: of boredom in some of these fucking dates because they're
Speaker 5: so bad.
Speaker 1: Well, I think a.
Speaker 3: Lot of our listeners are listening thinking, okay, so what
Speaker 3: happens when Okay, So when you said that to that guy,
Speaker 3: I'm not feeling it?
Speaker 5: What was his response? Hand to God, I maybe didn't say, oh,
Speaker 5: I'm not feeling it. I think I said, you know what,
Speaker 5: I'm really tired of got to call it and go
Speaker 5: to bed, you know whatever, but which is code for
Speaker 5: I'm not having fun. But I remember specifically that I
Speaker 5: was back at my apartment within the hour.
Speaker 1: I remember that I was, you know whatever. Next day
Speaker 1: he texts me and goes, hey, I'm and he fucking
Speaker 1: walked me home. It was in New York. He walked
Speaker 1: me home, and I was like Jesus Christ. I couldn't
Speaker 1: believe it.
Speaker 5: The next morning he texted me, he goes, hey, I'm
Speaker 5: actually going to a party in the building next to
Speaker 5: yours tonight if you wanted to come. And I was
Speaker 5: just thinking, and then I texted him and I said,
Speaker 5: I'm sorry. I really don't feel an emotional connection.
Speaker 1: But the mostly the.
Speaker 5: Sane part is even when I'm at my worst. Even
Speaker 5: when I'm running a fucking science experiment, I'm still more
Speaker 5: fun than most of these dudes.
Speaker 1: I mean.
Speaker 5: But by the way, it makes sense because if someone
Speaker 5: lets you speak about yourself for forty two minutes, he
Speaker 5: had the best time of his life.
Speaker 1: He didn't even.
Speaker 5: Realize he was a free therapy and like a little
Speaker 5: light stand up for me, and you got to I'm
Speaker 5: a martini.
Speaker 1: Meanwhile, I'm exhausted. I should have sent him a bill.
Speaker 3: The guy that I left with the chardonnay texted me
Speaker 3: the next day and said, I know you have a
Speaker 3: pretty busy weekend coming up, so I just want to
Speaker 3: let you know, you know, don't work too hard, have
Speaker 3: a fun weekend. I was going to like south By
Speaker 3: Southwest or something, and I said, I said, thanks so
Speaker 3: much for the drink.
Speaker 1: Have all the fun weekends period, Like fuck off on lamla.
Speaker 3: Well, just like I want to be direct because I
Speaker 3: don't want to waste anyone's time. I don't want to
Speaker 3: be mean, but I want to be direct. It's just
Speaker 3: like we as women have to retrain ourselves the way
Speaker 3: that we exist in relation to men. We're not there
Speaker 3: to be liked, We're there to like them, and we're
Speaker 3: we get confused about being liked and liking them. And
Speaker 3: if you can't just be worried about what someone thinks
Speaker 3: of you, because that can't be the only prerequisite to
Speaker 3: a relationship is.
Speaker 1: Someone liking you.
Speaker 3: You have to like them and then back it up
Speaker 3: twenty feet and find out if you do so. Yes,
Speaker 3: I think that's obviously very common.
Speaker 5: With women fuck who they want, men fuck who they
Speaker 5: can and I stand on that do Actually I have.
Speaker 4: A caller who like would dovetail really nicely with us should.
Speaker 1: We get into it or ready to break? And we'll
Speaker 1: be right back with tanks.
Speaker 4: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, right into us at
Speaker 4: Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. We'd love to
Speaker 4: hear your questions for any juicy story you'd like advice,
Speaker 4: and this week we're specifically looking for questions related to
Speaker 4: meditation and personal and spiritual growth, So if you have
Speaker 4: any questions, please write in at Dear Chelsea podcast at
Speaker 4: gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: And we're back with tanks and we have a call.
Speaker 1: We have a pressing caller.
Speaker 3: Apparently according to Catherine, okay, great, bring it in well.
Speaker 2: Speaking of men wasting everybody's time.
Speaker 4: Lilah writes, Dear Chelsea, my partner and I need some
Speaker 4: advice on how to handle a really tough situation. Over
Speaker 4: two years ago, my partner's brother was unexpectedly diagnosed with
Speaker 4: epilepsy at around age thirty five. At the time, we
Speaker 4: had just bought our house and we're in the middle
Speaker 4: of renovating it with the.
Speaker 2: Mindset that it would just be the two of us
Speaker 2: living there.
Speaker 4: But when he started having seizures, we took him in
Speaker 4: so he wouldn't have to live alone while adjusting to
Speaker 4: his diagnosis. Since then, we've done our best to support
Speaker 4: him and he's in a much better place now. His
Speaker 4: seizures are under control with medication. He sees a psychologist
Speaker 4: and he likes his new neurologist. He's just shy of
Speaker 4: one seizure free. The problem is living with him has
Speaker 4: been really difficult. He's constantly in a bad mood, barely
Speaker 4: interacts with us, and is incredibly passive aggressive. He makes
Speaker 4: it clear when he doesn't like something we enjoy, to
Speaker 4: the point where it feels like we're wrong for liking it.
Speaker 4: We feel like we're walking on eggshells in our own
Speaker 4: home and Honestly, it doesn't feel like our space anymore.
Speaker 2: It feels like his.
Speaker 4: Our house is small for three adults, and at one
Speaker 4: point we even considered buying a bigger home just to
Speaker 4: make things more manageable. But we've realized that we'ld just
Speaker 4: be putting a band aid on the situation. What we
Speaker 4: really need is for him to move out. But we
Speaker 4: know this conversation is not going to go well. He
Speaker 4: doesn't handle things like this in an emotionally mature way,
Speaker 4: and we're anticipating a lot of negativity, tension, and passive
Speaker 4: aggressiveness in the aftermath. We want to be clear, firm,
Speaker 4: and kind when we tell him, but also stand up
Speaker 4: for ourselves and our needs. How do we have this
Speaker 4: conversation in a way that sets a boundary while minimizing
Speaker 4: the fallout?
Speaker 1: Lila, Hi, La La, Hi, Hi, say hi to our
Speaker 1: special guest Tanks today.
Speaker 7: Hi specially thanks Hello.
Speaker 4: Hi.
Speaker 3: Okay, So, Tanks, do you want to start or shall
Speaker 3: I you start?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 3: I mean, this is obviously going to be a difficult conversation,
Speaker 3: but it's necessary.
Speaker 1: So you and your.
Speaker 3: Husband are I'm assuming Lela are on the same page.
Speaker 7: Yeah, my partner is also a female.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, so great, she's on the same page as you.
Speaker 1: Okay great. So yeah, you guys are going to have
Speaker 1: to sit down.
Speaker 3: I mean, honestly, I actually think this is more of
Speaker 3: her responsibility than yours.
Speaker 1: But if you want to be a caring partner, then
Speaker 1: you can. I mean, it is your house.
Speaker 3: You've had the experience with him, and it is a
Speaker 3: little bit of a cop out to say, no, you
Speaker 3: handle it because it's your sibling.
Speaker 1: Do you feel the same way or.
Speaker 2: Do you Yeah, for sure, we have said that.
Speaker 7: I think that she should handle that conversation, but I
Speaker 7: do think I should probably be at least be there
Speaker 7: for that.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I think that first of all, you have to firmly
Speaker 3: state what is going to happen, and a time frame.
Speaker 3: You always have to give people a timeframe that is
Speaker 3: not negotiable, and it can be a generous time frame.
Speaker 3: It could be thirty days, it could be sixty days,
Speaker 3: whatever you think is generous.
Speaker 8: You know what.
Speaker 3: I mean, to give him the benefit of the doubt
Speaker 3: because he's getting information that is unexpected in his brain,
Speaker 3: but because of all of the behaviors and because he's
Speaker 3: gotten himself into a healthier place he no longer needs
Speaker 3: to be living with the two of you, So that's
Speaker 3: just a practical matter. He's got his medication, he's not
Speaker 3: having seizure. Is he having any seizures at all?
Speaker 7: No?
Speaker 1: No, no, okay.
Speaker 3: So there was no plan ever for you two to
Speaker 3: have a third party living with you, so you went
Speaker 3: out of your way.
Speaker 1: How long has he been living with you, guys?
Speaker 7: Two years?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 3: First of all, he should have been gone a year ago.
Speaker 3: So that you've been overly generous. And I can just
Speaker 3: tell by the tone of your voice that you might
Speaker 3: be a little bit nicer.
Speaker 1: Than you're going to need to be in this situation
Speaker 1: for sure. Yeah.
Speaker 3: So, and you guys actually should sit down together, you
Speaker 3: and your partner before you do this, and really like meditate,
Speaker 3: intentionalize what you're going to say, how you're going to
Speaker 3: say it that you are going to be unwavering, and
Speaker 3: you're going to give him I don't know what sounds
Speaker 3: good to you, or sixty.
Speaker 7: Days, honestly, I guess you're I'm too nice.
Speaker 2: I would give him like.
Speaker 3: Six months, no, no, no, two months, two months or
Speaker 3: three months max? Max? Now two and a half years,
Speaker 3: you're going to live with your brother, your relationship. Your
Speaker 3: relationship might not survive that, Like your relationship is being
Speaker 3: fractured by this interloper. And by the way, he's not
Speaker 3: an intlope. Listen, something bad happened. You guys helped him.
Speaker 3: You did the right thing. It's family. Family helps family.
Speaker 3: You would probably do it for a friend too, But
Speaker 3: two years is an exhausting amount of time to share
Speaker 3: a space with somebody who's passive, aggressive, who's insulting to
Speaker 3: your opinions or your likes or all of these things,
Speaker 3: and it's just an unpleasant person to be around. So
Speaker 3: you just have to state it that way. Listen, we've
Speaker 3: been here, we've helped you, and now we feel like
Speaker 3: it's been two years and we're ready to be, you know,
Speaker 3: living by ourselves again. You're up on your feet, you
Speaker 3: can do your you can handle this sickness and illness
Speaker 3: with the meds now and it's time.
Speaker 1: Does hee work, yes?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 1: Great? So what's he doing with his money? Is he
Speaker 1: paying rent to you guys at all? A little?
Speaker 7: I mean if he's seven hundred, but other than that,
Speaker 7: like we kind of just did this to like help
Speaker 7: him get on his feet, have him save money and
Speaker 7: like give him an opportunity to like buy something for
Speaker 7: himself and like actually do something with his life that
Speaker 7: he likes. But it just feel like he has no plan.
Speaker 7: He says he's going to go do these things, and
Speaker 7: he just doesn't comes up with excuses constantly.
Speaker 3: Right, Okay, So I think you should have write all
Speaker 3: of these points down too, so that you can give
Speaker 3: him a list of things after so that there isn't
Speaker 3: any confusion in the conversation and any twisting of the words.
Speaker 3: Like we wanted to help you out you were in
Speaker 3: a bad way.
Speaker 1: We did that.
Speaker 3: We wanted you to get on your feet, we wanted
Speaker 3: you to seek the right medical care. You've done all
Speaker 3: of these things. Look at all of the things that
Speaker 3: you've done in the past two years, which he's not
Speaker 3: looking at right, He's not thinking about how far he's come.
Speaker 3: But you need to remind him about all of the
Speaker 3: like things that are better than they were.
Speaker 1: And now is a good time.
Speaker 3: And even if you say for the next couple months,
Speaker 3: you don't have to pay us rent while you save
Speaker 3: money to find your own place. You don't have to
Speaker 3: pay us seven hundred unless you really need that money
Speaker 3: from him.
Speaker 7: Yeah, I mean, I feel like it's a very generous
Speaker 7: amount considering like the type of job that he has.
Speaker 7: He can absolutely support himself. So yeah, we definitely do
Speaker 7: need the money because I'm in school right now and
Speaker 7: I'm okay, I'm only working part time, but I'm almost done.
Speaker 3: Great, totally fair. Another thing you could point out, you
Speaker 3: make a great living. You could totally afford to live
Speaker 3: on your own. Our relationship, we never intended to have
Speaker 3: a third person. And while we love you and totally
Speaker 3: would never take this time back, blah blah blah, it's
Speaker 3: now time for us to figure out a transition plan
Speaker 3: for you to leave.
Speaker 1: But you have to give him.
Speaker 3: A time frame, Yeah, like with a date, a specific date, tanks,
Speaker 3: what do you think?
Speaker 1: I completely agree. I think a time frame is super helpful.
Speaker 5: I think being firm, I think laying it out with
Speaker 5: your partner what you're going to say beforehand, will be
Speaker 5: helpful because I agree with Chelsea, you sound very, very nice,
Speaker 5: and sometimes you get in those situations and if he's
Speaker 5: already a bit passive aggressive, he's going to be like.
Speaker 1: Well, you know what about this, and that you need
Speaker 1: to be firm.
Speaker 5: You need to be kind and firm and brief and
Speaker 5: just lay down the law.
Speaker 1: And yeah, it's time.
Speaker 5: I feel like you probably don't even realize like how
Speaker 5: much this is weighing on your relationship in your life,
Speaker 5: Like you deserve to have a great life with your partner.
Speaker 1: You guys have been more than generous. It's time for
Speaker 1: the next chapter.
Speaker 3: Now, two years is way too long. You are way
Speaker 3: past your expiration date.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 7: Yeah, Well the first year he was having seizures on
Speaker 7: and off, so it kind of kept pushing the time
Speaker 7: and pushing it. But like now we're getting in a
Speaker 7: better spot and he has almost been seizure free for
Speaker 7: a year, so I kind of feel like we're waiting
Speaker 7: for these like medications to actually like work well and
Speaker 7: be comfortable where he's at. And like now he's seeing
Speaker 7: a psychologist and he seems to be like working things
Speaker 7: out from their childhood that has been tough.
Speaker 3: So great, great, all of these things being that he's made,
Speaker 3: Like these are things you should list down for him,
Speaker 3: like all of his milestones that he's made. You know,
Speaker 3: sometimes people don't remember how far they've come and they
Speaker 3: still think they're struggling, struggling, struggling, and it's like, wait,
Speaker 3: a second you did this, this, and this. Look at
Speaker 3: how far you've come. You're resilient, you're strong, and you're
Speaker 3: ready to be on your own again. And seriously, make
Speaker 3: a list of all of the things he's accomplished so
Speaker 3: that he can reflect on that too. You know, that
Speaker 3: could kind of take some of this sting out and
Speaker 3: he may not have a great reaction. It sounds like
Speaker 3: he probably won't, But don't worry about that. That's not
Speaker 3: your problem. You have demonstrated loving, kindness and compassion and
Speaker 3: now you are taking your ownership back of your life
Speaker 3: and there is nothing to be sorry about for that.
Speaker 4: And I feel like if there are some tantrums, if
Speaker 4: there's some passive aggressiveness, like expect that, and I think
Speaker 4: you can just be like okay, Like if he makes
Speaker 4: us an, I'd comment like, Okay, don't let him bait
Speaker 4: you into stuff. Don't let him turn this transition period
Speaker 4: ugly and weird and awkward, Like let stuff roll off
Speaker 4: your back because you know there's a date when it's
Speaker 4: going to be over.
Speaker 7: Yep, yep, that makes a lot of sense. It really
Speaker 7: has a lot of stress in our relationship.
Speaker 1: We of course, are sure quite a bit.
Speaker 3: Yeah, of course, nobody wants to live with their fucking
Speaker 3: family member. Nobody in a marriage wants their brother or
Speaker 3: sister living there. That's just not an ideal situation. Many
Speaker 3: people do it out of the goodness of their heart
Speaker 3: and their bonds to their family, but it's not ideal.
Speaker 3: So I mean, and two year, that's enough. It's enough already,
Speaker 3: And I would really impress upon you to say, make
Speaker 3: it a two or three month situation, not a six month.
Speaker 3: Six months will go on. You have to assume it's
Speaker 3: going to go over a month that you ask for,
Speaker 3: So just say two months is a fair amount of
Speaker 3: time for you to start looking for a place. If
Speaker 3: it takes a little bit longer, fine, but we would
Speaker 3: really love for you to have a plan within two months,
Speaker 3: a living plan.
Speaker 7: It makes a lot of sense for sure.
Speaker 1: And one more thing.
Speaker 3: Don't engage if he is if he does start an argument,
Speaker 3: if he does want to get into it, do not
Speaker 3: engage with that. Just say I'm so sorry. We're not
Speaker 3: going to talk to you in this kind of tone.
Speaker 3: This is not healthy for us, and we don't want
Speaker 3: to like when there's one person arguing by themselves, there's
Speaker 3: not a big argument happening for very long. So as
Speaker 3: long as you don't get into it with him, and
Speaker 3: you don't allow your partner, you know, like instruct her
Speaker 3: to do the same thing, don't get mired in the
Speaker 3: back and forth and all of that and like you
Speaker 3: did this and you didn't do this. It's like, no,
Speaker 3: we're simply stating what our boundary is. This is a boundary.
Speaker 3: People don't like that word, but it's going to bring
Speaker 3: out the best in him at some point, just maybe
Speaker 3: not right away.
Speaker 7: Yep, totally, for sure.
Speaker 2: I agree with that.
Speaker 4: All right.
Speaker 2: Will you keep us posted, Lila?
Speaker 7: I will, Yeah, I will check back in for sure.
Speaker 1: All right, good luck, be strong, Yeah, be strong, Leilah.
Speaker 7: I will thank you so much.
Speaker 3: I wish I knew about boundaries earlier on in my life.
Speaker 3: You know, I'm boundaryless. I had no boundaries. I mean,
Speaker 3: I still am a little bit murky on the boundary
Speaker 3: stuff because sometimes I just can't help myself, you know,
Speaker 3: I'm like, oh, you know, I want to give my
Speaker 3: driver a massage inside my house.
Speaker 1: I mean not for me, but do you know what
Speaker 1: I mean?
Speaker 8: Right?
Speaker 1: And I have so many friends who are like, don't
Speaker 1: you can't Chelsea that is a line that you cannot cross,
Speaker 1: and it always bites me an ass. It does bite
Speaker 1: me an ass well.
Speaker 4: Our next question comes from Claire, says, Dear Chelsea, I
Speaker 4: need some advice, wisdom, clarity, anything at this point. My
Speaker 4: partner of ten years cheated on me and left me
Speaker 4: for his coworker about a year and a half ago.
Speaker 4: The relationship wasn't perfect, but it turns out I was
Speaker 4: the only one trying to make it work, since he
Speaker 4: was lying about his feelings, lying about going to therapy,
Speaker 4: and apparently this woman. I've been working with my therapist
Speaker 4: to rebuild, but there's one thing that I think you'd
Speaker 4: have some helpful insight on. I'm turning thirty five and
Speaker 4: it's been a scary age for me because I'm on
Speaker 4: the fence about kids. I'm worried that I won't find
Speaker 4: someone else because they're either all taken or crazy or
Speaker 4: think I'm too old, and that whether I want kids
Speaker 4: or not, I'll just run out of time for the option.
Speaker 4: I've looked into egg freezing, but it's so cost prohibitive
Speaker 4: and the current political climate makes it scary. I was
Speaker 4: never one of those people who thought I needed a
Speaker 4: man to feel happy and the whole marriage, two point
Speaker 4: five kids, pick a fence thing. But I do know
Speaker 4: after this experience that I want to partner, something I
Speaker 4: didn't know before I met him. Now I feel like
Speaker 4: I'm too old and it's too late, even though everyone
Speaker 4: tells me it's not. But I know a lot of
Speaker 4: women in their forties and fifties who went through what
Speaker 4: I did at this age and have pretty much been
Speaker 4: single ever since. I think I have to accept the
Speaker 4: possibility that it will just be me and my dog,
Speaker 4: but I'm not sure how to do that. Do you
Speaker 4: have any advice for getting to the point where you
Speaker 4: like yourself enough that being alone is okay and releasing
Speaker 4: the heteronormative, misogynistic idea that doing.
Speaker 2: So would make me a failure. Sincerely, yours, Claire.
Speaker 3: Hi Claire, Hi, Hi, this is our special guest Tanks.
Speaker 1: Hi Claire. You have to have some healthier conversations with yourself.
Speaker 1: Do you have a therapist?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Okay, Well you need to start. First of all, you
Speaker 3: need to start getting up every day and writing positive
Speaker 3: things about yourself. Start writing things that you're grateful for
Speaker 3: about your in your life. It could be your dog,
Speaker 3: it could be the air that you're breathing. It could
Speaker 3: be your face, it could be your skin, it could
Speaker 3: be your sister, it could be any Just get up
Speaker 3: every morning and write down ten things that you're happy about,
Speaker 3: because you need a vibe shift, and in about fifteen
Speaker 3: days of doing that, your vibeal shift. And you need
Speaker 3: to get into the attitude of gratitude instead of looking.
Speaker 1: At what you don't have and what you lost.
Speaker 3: While I don't want to negate anything that happened to you,
Speaker 3: that is heartbreaking that your husband left you for somebody
Speaker 3: he worked with and all of that is heartbreaking, but
Speaker 3: you're also free from that. That wasn't the person for
Speaker 3: you. You're free from that.
Speaker 1: That is a gift.
Speaker 3: You're thirty five years young. Thirty five years old is nothing.
Speaker 3: Do not worry about what your age is. Worry about
Speaker 3: your state of happiness and your state of self love.
Speaker 3: You need to work on really really getting to know
Speaker 3: who you are and what you want instead of meeting
Speaker 3: the expectations that you think the outside world has for you,
Speaker 3: marriage and children. That's fine, you need to find out
Speaker 3: do you really even want that or is that something
Speaker 3: that you've been taught to want?
Speaker 8: Yeah, this is something that I've been working on with
Speaker 8: my therapist, and like you know, right after he left,
Speaker 8: I got a gratitude journal. I was like, this isn't working,
Speaker 8: and this was like nothing is gonna work right now
Speaker 8: because of the trauma you just went through. So I've
Speaker 8: been thinking about taking that back up and trying to
Speaker 8: do like listening to self affirmations. It's just so hard
Speaker 8: to like believe them kind of at this point.
Speaker 5: It takes time to start the engine of gratitude. Like
Speaker 5: it takes like Chelsea said, a few days, It takes
Speaker 5: some consistency, but I promise you, like I'm in a
Speaker 5: similar I mean ish boat.
Speaker 1: I'm thirty, I'm about to be thirty five.
Speaker 5: I'm single, and I have to tell you a vibe
Speaker 5: shift is possible because I'm thirty five and single and
Speaker 5: I'm like, oh my god, I could do anything, Like
Speaker 5: I literally could do anything.
Speaker 1: I'm so young. I don't know what I want. I'm open.
Speaker 5: Is that exciting, And like Chelsea said, you're free now
Speaker 5: to start again, and that is the most beautiful thing
Speaker 5: is like you have the autonomy to make your life
Speaker 5: what you love. And for me, I really resonate with
Speaker 5: a lot of what you say. You're like, Oh, I
Speaker 5: don't know, maybe it will just be me. Am I okay?
Speaker 8: On that?
Speaker 5: And anytime I get into that fuzzy space, I'm like,
Speaker 5: how can I make myself happier? That's not a s
Speaker 5: selfish thought. That is the most important thing that we
Speaker 5: don't teach ourselves in this world. You have to make
Speaker 5: yourself happy. You have to say, Okay, what am I
Speaker 5: grateful for? What am I going to do this weekend
Speaker 5: for me?
Speaker 1: What am I?
Speaker 5: How am I going to reframe my life and my
Speaker 5: energy to give myself love? Because you're right, you have
Speaker 5: been through something traumatic. To be cheated on, to be
Speaker 5: left like that is a traumatic thing. But it's over
Speaker 5: now and now you need to focus on yourself because
Speaker 5: this is so much good ahead of you. The best
Speaker 5: is one hundred percent yet to come. You just have
Speaker 5: to start living in that space.
Speaker 2: And I do agree.
Speaker 4: There is something about affirmations that, like you do, kind
Speaker 4: of have to fake it till you make it. You
Speaker 4: say them and they sound like bullshit until you say
Speaker 4: them enough times and they start to sound true, and
Speaker 4: then you feel it like you've seen it in a hundred.
Speaker 3: Movies, right It's absolutely true that it can feel for
Speaker 3: It's the same with meditation, it's the same with affirmations,
Speaker 3: it's same as writing down. Every morning, I look in
Speaker 3: the mirror and say, hello, beautiful, what kind of shenanigans
Speaker 3: are we going to get up to today? I say
Speaker 3: that to the mirror every single day, and I fucking
Speaker 3: believe it, because I'm like, who fucking knows what you're
Speaker 3: gonna get up to today? And the thing is, yes,
Speaker 3: your trauma is your trauma. Everyone has their trauma. You
Speaker 3: something terrible happens to you.
Speaker 1: Every disaster in your life is a gift and you
Speaker 1: have to look at it like the gift is ahead
Speaker 1: of you.
Speaker 3: Don't you want to get it? Don't you want to
Speaker 3: get after it and find out what's waiting for you?
Speaker 1: Because there is.
Speaker 3: A whole other life for you. Now, there's a whole
Speaker 3: other self exploration. I didn't find out who I was
Speaker 3: until I was like forty two years old, Like I
Speaker 3: didn't really get down to business until I really, I
Speaker 3: mean and really went to therapy and started to understand
Speaker 3: my pain and started to understand. Oh, I don't even
Speaker 3: want to I mean, and I'm not saying this is
Speaker 3: going to be you. But I'm like, wait, I don't
Speaker 3: even want a long term partner.
Speaker 1: I want lots.
Speaker 3: Like I had to admit that I wanted multiple partners,
Speaker 3: that I wanted lots of lovers that I wanted you know,
Speaker 3: I never wanted children, so that wasn't an issue that
Speaker 3: I had to contend with.
Speaker 1: But like, this is a growth curve for you.
Speaker 3: Like this is a huge growth experience and you need
Speaker 3: to lean into it instead of being scared to go
Speaker 3: into it, you know what I mean. You need to
Speaker 3: like dive head first and be like, this is all
Speaker 3: about me. The next six months are all about me,
Speaker 3: what I like to do, when I want to do it.
Speaker 3: If you want to lie in bed all day and
Speaker 3: watch TV, do that. If you want to go out,
Speaker 3: you know, with your friends and go on some crazy vacation,
Speaker 3: do that.
Speaker 1: If you want to spend.
Speaker 3: Your you know, join clubs or book clubs or a
Speaker 3: bowling club, whatever the fuck.
Speaker 1: You want to do, do it. You know what I mean.
Speaker 3: You're free to do whatever you want. You don't have
Speaker 3: a partner limiting or prohibiting anything.
Speaker 8: Yeah, I've been doing all that. I've gone on a
Speaker 8: couple of vacations, this year and been trying to do.
Speaker 8: I've joined some groups that I've been volunteering with and stuff.
Speaker 8: I think the hardest part for me is the mind
Speaker 8: shift thing. It's like, while I'm doing those things, my
Speaker 8: brain is still ruminating on like, well, you're doing this
Speaker 8: alone kind of thing. And I think that's the.
Speaker 1: Hardest hurdle for me.
Speaker 8: And you're right, I just have to keep trying with
Speaker 8: the gratitude and the and the affirmations and stuff and
Speaker 8: the mind shift.
Speaker 1: But even moreover, I want you to picture that you
Speaker 1: have a daughter in like five years, you have a
Speaker 1: daughter and she gets to see this whole version of you.
Speaker 1: What do you want to show her? You know what?
Speaker 3: Do you want to demonstrate for her that you grab
Speaker 3: life by the balls and that you went after it
Speaker 3: and that you didn't sit there thinking about your ex
Speaker 3: and what his girlfriend are doing.
Speaker 1: That's none of.
Speaker 3: Your business anymore. Okay, he's out of your life. And yes,
Speaker 3: while that is heartbreaking and traumatizing you, once you get
Speaker 3: through all of that murkiness, there is a whole big
Speaker 3: rainbow waiting for you, I promise you, so, like, just
Speaker 3: think about this little girl that is going to come
Speaker 3: into your life at some point, okay, And how do
Speaker 3: you want her to see her mother and how do
Speaker 3: you want her to look at that time that she
Speaker 3: spent after this, Yeah, and then make your decisions based
Speaker 3: on that.
Speaker 2: That's really helpful, thank you.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah? And how long ago was your breakup? By
Speaker 1: the way, about a year?
Speaker 3: A year okay, so that's a fair amount of time
Speaker 3: to kind of wallow and feel you know, shitty. Take
Speaker 3: this year mark and this phone call, and like, let's
Speaker 3: turn it around and start with the gratituding every morning
Speaker 3: ten write it down ten times. Write it on paper,
Speaker 3: don't write it in your note section or on your computer.
Speaker 3: Write it down and leave it out, and every once
Speaker 3: in a while go back and look, you know, and
Speaker 3: then you're going to see this like progression of how
Speaker 3: you get you become happier, and you know, start meditating,
Speaker 3: even if it's just three minutes a day, just add
Speaker 3: it to your repertoire. Like I want to be My
Speaker 3: pursuit is to be a happier person. My pursuit is
Speaker 3: to fall more and more in love with myself.
Speaker 1: And don't worry about the men. Just worry about yourself.
Speaker 4: Right now, Yeah, you said something a couple of minutes
Speaker 4: ago about like I'm going through this alone, and it
Speaker 4: was a negative. But when things like that come out
Speaker 4: of your mouth, find a way to turn it into
Speaker 4: a positive.
Speaker 1: You get to go through.
Speaker 4: This next year alone, You get to do whatever.
Speaker 2: The hell you want.
Speaker 4: You get to make all of the decisions for yourself
Speaker 4: and do what makes you happy. So like take opportunities
Speaker 4: to like turn stuff like that on its head when
Speaker 4: you hear it in your head, when you hear it
Speaker 4: come out of your mouth, turn it around.
Speaker 1: That the thinking of like you know, the X is
Speaker 1: and all that stuff.
Speaker 3: I promise you down the road that will all come
Speaker 3: around for full circle and you're and you're gonna and
Speaker 3: you and you're not going to care when it does. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and so just imagine that time, because it will happen.
Speaker 3: It always does. That's the way the world works. And
Speaker 3: karma is a real thing. So keep yours healthy and
Speaker 3: be on your own team.
Speaker 8: Okay, thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
Speaker 3: Okay, thanks love, shut up, be happy, you start smiling.
Speaker 8: I'm a good one.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 1: Okay to buy Yeah she seems sad.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think this, I think this will be the
Speaker 4: jump start she needs.
Speaker 1: Yeah, lots of people need a jump start.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 3: Okay, we'll take a quick quick break and we're going
Speaker 3: to come back with one more caller and wrap up.
Speaker 1: With TINXI WAKSI, and we're back. Oh ship. She always
Speaker 1: have the sorry, sorry, I forgot well.
Speaker 2: Our last caller today is Ava. She is twenty three.
Speaker 4: Dear Chelsea, I'm twenty three years old and I live
Speaker 4: in California. I'm California born and raised. I moved to
Speaker 4: LA about a month ago. I have a childhood friend
Speaker 4: whose life has taken a lot of the same turns
Speaker 4: as mine. We went to the same college and are
Speaker 4: now both living in LA. Not together though, and not intentionally.
Speaker 4: She's a dear friend, and her good qualities are amazing,
Speaker 4: but her bad qualities often feel detrimental.
Speaker 2: She's a bit clingy and jealous.
Speaker 4: She gets butt hurt when I have plans with other
Speaker 4: friends that do not include her, even going as far
Speaker 4: as tracking my location and asking what I'm doing all
Speaker 4: the time. I want to be inclusive, but I want
Speaker 4: to carve my own way in this new city and
Speaker 4: do not want to feel like I have a jealous
Speaker 4: boyfriend looking over my every move. I do not think
Speaker 4: her behavior is ill intended, just a bit immature and
Speaker 4: lingering effects of some past issues of being left out.
Speaker 4: Due to her immaturity level, I would find it hard
Speaker 4: to have an honest conversation with her about this. Since
Speaker 4: she's intertwined with my childhood and college friends, which is
Speaker 4: basically all of my friends. I do not see letting
Speaker 4: the friendship slip as an option. Please advise Ava.
Speaker 6: Hi, thanks for having me. This is the best day ever.
Speaker 1: Oh, Hi cutie, how cute you are. This is Tanks
Speaker 1: our special guest today.
Speaker 6: Hi, huge fan of both of you. Thanks for having
Speaker 6: me today.
Speaker 3: Sure, thanks your thing. So, I mean you're going to
Speaker 3: have to have a conversation with her. It's just a
Speaker 3: matter of how truthful the conversation will be. So why
Speaker 3: is she tracking your location?
Speaker 6: I know we lived together at once and so that's
Speaker 6: kind of where the location thing came in. But yeah,
Speaker 6: it's tricky. I mean, I want to do my own
Speaker 6: thing and I want to, you know, carve my own way,
Speaker 6: and it's just it makes it very difficult. And I
Speaker 6: think that's what's hard, is having that kind of conversation
Speaker 6: with honesty but also with kindness. I just don't know
Speaker 6: how to find that balance.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I hear you.
Speaker 3: I mean it has to come from a very very
Speaker 3: loving place with somebody who's delicate.
Speaker 1: Tanks.
Speaker 5: What are your thoughts, I don't know. I feel like
Speaker 5: this is so like I completely understand. I've been in
Speaker 5: similar situations like this. Also, when you're twenty three, your
Speaker 5: friendships feel heightened, and.
Speaker 1: She's just like, she just loves you.
Speaker 5: She just wants to be around you all the time.
Speaker 5: But you know that's not your problem. You need to
Speaker 5: set this boundary. I think for me, I always try
Speaker 5: to approach conversations like this with at least a little
Speaker 5: bit of humor and lightness. So maybe it's like the
Speaker 5: next time she's like, why are you at this coffee
Speaker 5: shop without me? I think maybe the next time you
Speaker 5: see her, just go, you know, like, I, dude, I
Speaker 5: love you, but I can see other people without you,
Speaker 5: and it doesn't mean I love you any less. Sometimes
Speaker 5: I just I go places without you, you know, kind
Speaker 5: of saying it in that way, lighthearted, so that she
Speaker 5: doesn't feel like it's some big, like sit down attack thing,
Speaker 5: because again it sounds like she is a little bit delicate.
Speaker 6: Yeah, absolutely, I love that, Thank you, Chelsea.
Speaker 3: What do you think I would say, because yeah, I mean,
Speaker 3: if the sit down conversation, I think that's great advice.
Speaker 3: I think if the sit down common conversation, if she's
Speaker 3: too immature for that, which she probably is, then it's
Speaker 3: probably gonna hurt her feelings and it's gonna blow up
Speaker 3: to a point where you're going to start to feel
Speaker 3: guilty about how you made her feel, which is like
Speaker 3: getting back to square one. So yeah, I would drop
Speaker 3: little hints like that the way Tanks is suggesting, you know,
Speaker 3: in a humorous way, and be like, oh, okay, I
Speaker 3: don't know.
Speaker 2: We can't be attached to the hip, you know, Yeah.
Speaker 3: We don't live together anymore, like you know you actually
Speaker 3: you don't need to track me. I don't want to
Speaker 3: like stress you out by me. I don't want to
Speaker 3: stress you out by you seeing like what I'm doing
Speaker 3: all day. But obviously I have other people in my life, honey.
Speaker 3: I think the great line is it doesn't make me
Speaker 3: love you any less, but we're not like I actually
Speaker 3: don't know how to sell someone who's so neat, Like
Speaker 3: I just could never fucking tolerate that shit.
Speaker 8: You know what I mean?
Speaker 5: I'm so young twenties, like I had the eye because
Speaker 5: I lived with girls like all throughout my twenties and
Speaker 5: we had such relationships like that where it was like
Speaker 5: you get in the pattern of doing everything with them
Speaker 5: and then and then one day someone's like, oh, I'm
Speaker 5: going to get for you, and everyone's like, oh.
Speaker 1: Call the royal guard, like what's happening.
Speaker 5: So it's just like I think that the more like
Speaker 5: light and goofy you can do it is better because again,
Speaker 5: it's just it does feel like an intense situation. So yeah,
Speaker 5: I think saying something like that or saying or like
Speaker 5: joking and being like, dude, if you don't stop tracking me,
Speaker 5: I am going to stop sharing my location, just like
Speaker 5: in a kind of a jokey like tone like that,
Speaker 5: and just be like like, you know, sometimes I just
Speaker 5: got to see the other people, you know, and be
Speaker 5: like I have to go make memory so that I
Speaker 5: have gossip to tell you when I come to see
Speaker 5: you next. You know, always light, light, light with the tone,
Speaker 5: and you know, if she doesn't get the hint, if
Speaker 5: she takes it really seriously, then you know it's time
Speaker 5: to go to square two.
Speaker 3: What about the idea of tanks. Let me know what
Speaker 3: you girls think about this? Catherine's youtuo, Like, what do
Speaker 3: you think about complaining about this?
Speaker 1: Is very passive aggressive? But what do you think about
Speaker 1: complaining about her her qualities pretending they're about someone else
Speaker 1: to her? Like what about that?
Speaker 3: What if you're like, oh my god, this guy you
Speaker 3: know or one of my girlfriends. She's on me all
Speaker 3: the time, she texted me all the time, Like what
Speaker 3: is that approach?
Speaker 4: Like, can you believe she only wants me to hang
Speaker 4: out with her? That's crazy?
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's horrible.
Speaker 6: I think I've done that before and I don't think
Speaker 6: that I don't think the hint was really going through.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's not pretty straightforward advice. I'm usually against kind
Speaker 1: of being passive aggressive, but like, sometimes with people you
Speaker 1: have to be so special, like you know, you have
Speaker 1: to handle so delicately. It's exhausting.
Speaker 3: Totally.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I love that, though not a whole intervention, I
Speaker 6: think that feels super approachable.
Speaker 1: That feels great.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like address it when it comes up.
Speaker 4: And I also think, like, maybe today is the day
Speaker 4: we stop sharing location?
Speaker 2: What do we think?
Speaker 1: Girls? I don't know, how do you say no? She'll
Speaker 1: freak out?
Speaker 5: If you just if you just remove it, then she'll
Speaker 5: freak out like that's too much.
Speaker 3: Well maybe maybe you just know, I don't know, maybe
Speaker 3: you just say you removed everyone's like sharing location, Like
Speaker 3: you just realize that not everybody needs it except for your.
Speaker 1: Mom or your dad or whatever.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like I did a refresh.
Speaker 3: I just did a refresh ago. I didn't even think
Speaker 3: about it. I just was looked at it. I was
Speaker 3: sharing locations with so many people. I just was like,
Speaker 3: why this is not necessary?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, awesome, I love that. Yeah, yeah, that's easy
Speaker 1: I think to do. I have to check out my.
Speaker 3: Locations because someone said something like that to me the
Speaker 3: other day and I'm like, how many people am I
Speaker 3: sharing locations with? And then I looked and it's like
Speaker 3: fucking four hundred people, like three ex boyfriends.
Speaker 1: I'm so so stupid. I know. Well, I mean, obviously
Speaker 1: no one's coming to get me.
Speaker 3: I mean knock on would anyway, Thanks for calling in,
Speaker 3: and I hope we were able to help. Tanks was
Speaker 3: able to tink. Tinks Tis is her new name. I've
Speaker 3: decided it's a tick, like a summer tick, a tick
Speaker 3: in the Hampton's she uh she helped you though, so.
Speaker 1: I love it.
Speaker 6: Thank you both so much.
Speaker 1: Good luck, babe, bye, Thanks.
Speaker 2: Thanks.
Speaker 3: There's nothing I bore more than needy friends. I fucking
Speaker 3: handle it. I am not needy, and I I don't
Speaker 3: want you to need me. That's why I don't have
Speaker 3: fucking children.
Speaker 1: It turns me off.
Speaker 5: It's so like, yeah, it's just so annoying, like the
Speaker 5: neediness or insecurity and the friendship.
Speaker 1: It's really a turnoff for me and friends. I don't
Speaker 1: have any insecure friends.
Speaker 3: And the thing that I really hate is when friends
Speaker 3: get jealous of you the way hanging out with other
Speaker 3: I had a friend who would get mad if I
Speaker 3: hung out with someone she introduced me to without her.
Speaker 3: I'm like, that's how people meet, that's how people get introduced.
Speaker 1: You introduce.
Speaker 3: Do you don't have many people I've introduced that are
Speaker 3: best friends without me, Like, I fucking love that, which
Speaker 3: is great. Leave me out of the equation. I don't care,
Speaker 3: Like it's not a problem. That's what you're supposed to
Speaker 3: do is connect people in life, Like you're supposed to
Speaker 3: introduce the people you love to each other and.
Speaker 1: Hopefully they make a connection. No, I take it as
Speaker 1: a point of pride.
Speaker 5: When I see people that I've introduced hanging out together,
Speaker 5: that's that's good.
Speaker 1: Good good people know good people. I love being a connector.
Speaker 5: But when people get weird about it, I'm like, oh,
Speaker 5: for God's sakes, we're adults.
Speaker 1: Yeah, people are insecure. A lot of people are insecure.
Speaker 1: Most people are insecure.
Speaker 3: What's your love status right now, Tanks, is anything happening
Speaker 3: in your neck of the woods.
Speaker 1: I'm single.
Speaker 5: I mean, I'm going on a few dates, but I'm
Speaker 5: pretty single.
Speaker 1: I'm pretty happy.
Speaker 5: I'm honestly having the time of my life, Like I
Speaker 5: just got by leaving Miami with my friends.
Speaker 1: I'm my book's about to come out, Like it's good.
Speaker 1: I'm having a good time. And are you working with
Speaker 1: a dating coach?
Speaker 5: She came on my podcast and she is like this,
Speaker 5: you know, really famous dating coach. And I said, in
Speaker 5: the middle of it, oh, why don't you look at
Speaker 5: my dating profile and like tell me what you think.
Speaker 5: In the middle of my podcast, she read me to filth.
Speaker 5: She was like, this is the worst dating app profile.
Speaker 5: Your pictures are too slutty, this is too negative. We
Speaker 5: got to change all this because I said on there,
Speaker 5: I said, no.
Speaker 1: One who will be intimidated. I travel a lot for work.
Speaker 5: I'm looking to have fun and I'm like, you know,
Speaker 5: blah blah blah, and she was like, God, this is so.
Speaker 5: But you know, at the end of the day, that's
Speaker 5: who I am. I do come in a bit like that.
Speaker 5: I'm very like, yeah, I'm like that. I'm like, don't
Speaker 5: do that.
Speaker 1: This is me. I like to have fun and I
Speaker 1: do dress like a slot, so I feel like I
Speaker 1: should be honest about that. Yeah, I agree with that.
Speaker 3: I think you put your like right, you put your
Speaker 3: most honest foot forward, even if that foot has two bunions.
Speaker 3: You're like, listen, this is me, this is who I am,
Speaker 3: and this is how it's going to be, because then
Speaker 3: there shouldn't be any confusion exactly.
Speaker 1: I thought I was being honest.
Speaker 8: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I don't like people who come in and say, oh, no,
Speaker 3: you got to do this again.
Speaker 1: How would you know?
Speaker 3: Like, are you You're You're not a professional dater obviously
Speaker 3: because you're running a dating like website or dating coaching
Speaker 3: whatever it is.
Speaker 1: But I agree with that.
Speaker 3: I think the honesty is always the best policy, which
Speaker 3: is why I just told that girl to lie to
Speaker 3: her friend.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 3: So Hotter in the Hamptons is Tinks's new book. It
Speaker 3: comes out May sixth. It's going to be available everywhere.
Speaker 3: It's available for pre order, so please pre order your book.
Speaker 1: Enjoy it.
Speaker 3: It's time to get frisky in the summertime. Everybody, Okay, ladies,
Speaker 3: and thank you Tanks. It was always pleasure to see.
Speaker 5: You, always a pleasure. This was fabulous. Thank you, Thank
Speaker 5: you guys for having me.
Speaker 1: Hie day.
Speaker 2: Hi do do do do do do?
Speaker 3: Drum roll Catherine please and abroad broad is my European tour.
Speaker 3: So I'm coming to obviously find a husband abroad. I
Speaker 3: need to get the health out of this fucking country
Speaker 3: and it's not as easy as you think. So I'm
Speaker 3: coming to Rekuvik, I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to
Speaker 3: the UK. I'm coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast.
Speaker 1: In May and June.
Speaker 3: I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow,
Speaker 3: New Zurich, Vienna. I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin,
Speaker 3: Barcelona and Lisbon. I'm coming abroad is abroad.
Speaker 2: That sounds like fun. I'm going to go see you abroad.
Speaker 3: I know I want to go see me abroad and
Speaker 3: there there all be, there all be excellent.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 3: My remaining dates for Vegas, there are remaining dates for
Speaker 3: this year.
Speaker 1: Summertime is coming and.
Speaker 3: I will be in Vegas at the Cosmo doing my
Speaker 3: residency on July fifth. We will be the next date
Speaker 3: that I'm there, July fifth, August thirtieth, and then November
Speaker 3: one and twenty ninth. November one and November twenty ninth,
Speaker 3: I will be in Las Vegas at the Cosmo performing
Speaker 3: inside Myself at the Chelsea. It's called Chelsea at the
Speaker 3: Chelsea for a reason.
Speaker 1: Okay, thank you.
Speaker 2: Do you want advice from Chelsea?
Speaker 4: Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com. Find
Speaker 4: full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching
Speaker 4: at Dear Chelsea pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered
Speaker 4: by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine law And be sure
Speaker 4: to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com