WEBVTT - Eating from the Trash with @alibonar 0:00:00.400 --> 0:00:04.480 I won't let my body out the outway everything that 0:00:04.640 --> 0:00:07.920 I'm made do. Won't spend my life trying to change. 0:00:08.640 --> 0:00:12.440 I'm learning to love who I am. I get I'm strong, 0:00:12.840 --> 0:00:15.840 I feel free, I know who every part of me. 0:00:16.520 --> 0:00:24.000 It's beautiful and I will always out way. If you 0:00:24.079 --> 0:00:26.680 feel it with your hands in the air, She'll some 0:00:26.840 --> 0:00:29.360 love to the poop by get there, Let's say good 0:00:29.600 --> 0:00:35.640 day and time did you and die out? Welcome back 0:00:35.640 --> 0:00:38.879 to Outweigh today. It's Lisa Amy and we're joined by 0:00:38.880 --> 0:00:42.159 our amazing guest, Ali Bonner, who is an influencer, a 0:00:42.159 --> 0:00:47.240 food blogger turned food manufacturer. She's got her own brand 0:00:47.560 --> 0:00:50.200 of a Queen and Coke granola butter, and she also 0:00:50.400 --> 0:00:52.920 hosts a podcast that you'll want to check out called 0:00:52.960 --> 0:00:55.320 The Alley Cast, where she talks all about the stuff 0:00:55.360 --> 0:00:59.480 we talk about here, so body image, food relationships, and 0:00:59.600 --> 0:01:03.920 even a of entrepreneurial ship stuff which I really love 0:01:03.960 --> 0:01:06.880 your podcast, so everyone I know here will love it too. 0:01:06.959 --> 0:01:09.320 Thanks for being here. Yeah, I'm so excited to be here, 0:01:09.400 --> 0:01:11.600 and I mean, as you know, I'm a total open book, 0:01:11.640 --> 0:01:15.120 so happy to chat entrepreneur side, body image stuff and 0:01:15.160 --> 0:01:17.360 you've just been such an inspiration for me too on 0:01:17.840 --> 0:01:19.840 all things body image, because as you know, it's just 0:01:19.880 --> 0:01:23.640 such a journey, so excited to dive right in. Yeah, 0:01:23.720 --> 0:01:27.839 it's it's a journey. And you've been very forthcoming with 0:01:28.200 --> 0:01:32.440 your Instagram account to really share the struggle as you 0:01:33.000 --> 0:01:35.800 went through it and as you make your way through it. 0:01:35.840 --> 0:01:38.360 I feel like the thickness of it, you're kind of past. 0:01:38.520 --> 0:01:42.120 But what inspired you to start sharing on Instagram? I 0:01:42.120 --> 0:01:44.280 think similar to probably when you started to you know, 0:01:44.319 --> 0:01:46.800 I didn't even know that, you know, being an influencer 0:01:46.880 --> 0:01:49.120 was really a thing, to be honest, when I started, 0:01:49.400 --> 0:01:52.040 I really use Instagram as you know, sort of a 0:01:52.080 --> 0:01:55.400 healing modality and a healing platform for me that I 0:01:55.440 --> 0:01:59.080 didn't really expect that to happen. So when I started posting, 0:01:59.200 --> 0:02:02.200 I really was in the depths of my orthorexia. So 0:02:02.360 --> 0:02:05.080 I was really obsessed with, you know, eating perfectly clean 0:02:05.520 --> 0:02:08.800 all the time. Um I had just graduated my undergrad 0:02:08.840 --> 0:02:11.400 I was a nutrition student, so you know, I really 0:02:11.480 --> 0:02:14.079 was in this dark place with food and my body, 0:02:14.200 --> 0:02:17.680 and you know, really started posting on Instagram because I 0:02:17.720 --> 0:02:19.679 was using it as a way to hold me accountable 0:02:19.760 --> 0:02:21.919 for you know, what I was eating. So it started 0:02:21.960 --> 0:02:24.720 from a really negative, sort of fear based place, and 0:02:24.720 --> 0:02:27.640 then as it progressed and as my relationship with food 0:02:27.680 --> 0:02:30.240 sort of evolved, I started to use it more and 0:02:30.280 --> 0:02:32.919 more in tandem with, you know, working with my nutritional 0:02:32.960 --> 0:02:35.320 therapist as a way to play with my food again. 0:02:35.440 --> 0:02:38.520 So I, you know, for so long, was so terrified 0:02:38.520 --> 0:02:41.200 of food and ridgid around it, and so I really 0:02:41.280 --> 0:02:43.440 used it as you know, sort of an art form 0:02:43.520 --> 0:02:45.720 in a way. I was doing these like crazy over 0:02:45.760 --> 0:02:48.680 the top, you know, drippy smoothies which are just completely 0:02:48.720 --> 0:02:52.359 unrealistic in hindsight, and you know, took hours in the kitchen, 0:02:52.760 --> 0:02:54.760 but it really was a great starting point for me 0:02:54.840 --> 0:02:57.360 to you know, bring a little fun, bring a little 0:02:57.400 --> 0:02:59.440 play back into what I was eating, and just kind 0:02:59.440 --> 0:03:01.560 of loosen up and not be so rigid around it. 0:03:01.560 --> 0:03:04.680 It sounds to me like it's therapeutic for you. Yeah, 0:03:04.760 --> 0:03:07.440 it totally was. And I just actually talked about this 0:03:07.480 --> 0:03:10.480 on my page yesterday. But I was restricting myself, you know, 0:03:10.600 --> 0:03:13.480 in all of the ways, emotionally, physically, mentally, and so 0:03:13.560 --> 0:03:16.040 I remember being you know, in high school and I 0:03:16.080 --> 0:03:19.480 was just scrolling food blogs and just looking at these 0:03:19.480 --> 0:03:22.639 like decadent, you know, dessert recipes because I wouldn't allow 0:03:22.680 --> 0:03:25.120 myself to consume them, and so I would just for 0:03:25.240 --> 0:03:27.280 hours late at night, you know, after my parents would 0:03:27.280 --> 0:03:29.799 go to bed, I would just read food blogs, look 0:03:29.800 --> 0:03:32.760 at these amazing, you know, mouth watering pictures, and so 0:03:32.840 --> 0:03:35.240 at that time, you know, it wasn't healthy for me. 0:03:35.320 --> 0:03:37.600 But then as I sort of started to heal my 0:03:37.640 --> 0:03:39.680 relationship with food, you know, it did become sort of 0:03:39.720 --> 0:03:42.360 therapeutic and yeah, just sort of an outlet. This is 0:03:42.400 --> 0:03:46.400 so interesting because we know this anecdotally through stories like yours, 0:03:46.400 --> 0:03:49.600 but also from research. One of the earliest studies on 0:03:49.720 --> 0:03:54.640 starvation looked at what happens to the mind when people 0:03:54.680 --> 0:03:58.440 are starving, and it was meant to understand what was 0:03:58.480 --> 0:04:01.240 going to happen when people returned back from I think 0:04:01.280 --> 0:04:03.440 it was World War two, it could have been World 0:04:03.440 --> 0:04:06.600 War One anyway. The research basically found that when the 0:04:06.640 --> 0:04:09.760 men were there was a men were the population, but 0:04:09.800 --> 0:04:13.400 when they were calorically restricted, everything that they talked about 0:04:13.560 --> 0:04:17.080 and and could think about was all about food. So 0:04:17.240 --> 0:04:20.880 they were they became obsessed with cooking, with talking about recipes, 0:04:21.400 --> 0:04:24.480 and it basically just took over their life and so 0:04:24.680 --> 0:04:29.200 we don't realize when we're restricting how food becomes the 0:04:29.240 --> 0:04:33.039 fixation from a place of survival. But I think that's 0:04:33.040 --> 0:04:36.240 something that we hear all the time, that you can 0:04:36.320 --> 0:04:39.080 be thinking about food all the time, and that that 0:04:39.120 --> 0:04:42.160 could be a sign of disordered eating. Absolutely, yeah, And 0:04:42.240 --> 0:04:44.760 for me it was. You know, that's it's such a 0:04:44.800 --> 0:04:48.000 great point because I really, you know, growing up, I 0:04:48.040 --> 0:04:50.800 liked food, you know, but I wasn't someone who was 0:04:50.960 --> 0:04:52.680 a huge foodie, you know. I was kind of just 0:04:52.720 --> 0:04:54.840 like eat to live type of thing. And it was 0:04:54.880 --> 0:04:57.320 like as soon as I started restricting, I mean that 0:04:57.480 --> 0:04:59.479 is when I just I looked at my friends and 0:04:59.480 --> 0:05:01.000 I was like, how and you guys not think about 0:05:01.000 --> 0:05:02.800 food all the time. And that's why I talked about 0:05:02.839 --> 0:05:04.839 my page too. I'm like, I was just in awe 0:05:04.920 --> 0:05:07.600 of people that you know, forgot to eat or just 0:05:07.800 --> 0:05:10.479 you know, it slipped their mind, because it really was 0:05:10.520 --> 0:05:13.520 on my mind. Like as I was eating breakfast, I 0:05:13.560 --> 0:05:17.440 was planning and calculating and you know, just preparing what 0:05:17.480 --> 0:05:19.360 I was going to have for lunch, which just is 0:05:19.400 --> 0:05:22.039 the most exhausting thing ever. And that's part of the 0:05:22.080 --> 0:05:25.240 reason why I decided to really embark on you know, 0:05:25.320 --> 0:05:28.320 healing my relationship with food because I was just so over, 0:05:28.680 --> 0:05:32.520 you know, thinking about all the gutta time. So, Ali, 0:05:32.600 --> 0:05:34.640 I actually pulled up this post on your Instagram and 0:05:34.680 --> 0:05:37.440 I want to read it because I think it's pretty impactful. 0:05:37.560 --> 0:05:40.640 And if people want to follow you, your alley A 0:05:40.960 --> 0:05:44.000 L I, B O N A R. So that's where 0:05:44.040 --> 0:05:47.360 they can find you there. And here's what you put up. 0:05:47.360 --> 0:05:50.000 And it was a post says, what percentage of your 0:05:50.080 --> 0:05:52.320 day do you spend thinking about food? A few years ago, 0:05:52.360 --> 0:05:56.640 I would have answered upwards of to while I was 0:05:56.680 --> 0:05:58.560 eating breakfast, I was planning lunch, while I was out 0:05:58.600 --> 0:06:00.760 to dinner, I was calculating how many calories are in 0:06:00.800 --> 0:06:03.200 my meal? Instead of who I was with At night, 0:06:03.200 --> 0:06:05.920 I would scroll through food Instagram accounts and watch Food 0:06:05.960 --> 0:06:10.320 Network for hours on end. Why because I was restricting emotionally, mentally, 0:06:10.360 --> 0:06:14.080 and physically, and so food occupied my every waking thought. 0:06:14.400 --> 0:06:17.000 I was in all of those who quote forgot to eat? 0:06:17.200 --> 0:06:20.719 How could someone go their day without food crossing their mind? 0:06:21.160 --> 0:06:23.960 Until the other day, when I was so engrossed in 0:06:23.960 --> 0:06:26.480 work that I almost forgot to eat lunch, I realized, 0:06:26.720 --> 0:06:29.719 holy shit, I'm that person. This isn't to glamorize for 0:06:29.720 --> 0:06:32.159 getting to eat, but to highlight that once I stopped 0:06:32.160 --> 0:06:35.359 restricting and started to heal my relationship with food, it 0:06:35.480 --> 0:06:38.320 was no longer the main character. I still love food, 0:06:38.360 --> 0:06:41.120 I look forward to meals and enjoy every goddamn fight, 0:06:41.360 --> 0:06:43.880 but food is a supporting role in my life rather 0:06:43.920 --> 0:06:46.800 than the main event. So I just wanted to read 0:06:46.800 --> 0:06:48.320 through that because I thought it was It's such a 0:06:48.360 --> 0:06:52.760 great sentiment to exactly what we experience when we restrict 0:06:52.839 --> 0:06:55.880 and then end up on a binge or obsess or 0:06:55.880 --> 0:06:58.000 what we like to talk about on the podcast here 0:06:58.080 --> 0:07:01.360 is your world ends up so small? Absolutely yeah. And 0:07:01.400 --> 0:07:04.000 the biggest thing too, you know that I really want 0:07:04.000 --> 0:07:05.880 to make a point to talk about and I think, Lisa, 0:07:05.920 --> 0:07:07.760 you do a great job of sharing about this is 0:07:07.800 --> 0:07:10.320 just that, you know, disordered eating as a spectrum, like 0:07:10.360 --> 0:07:12.920 I think, for so long, I didn't reach out for 0:07:12.960 --> 0:07:15.800 help because you know, even though I had these warning signs, 0:07:15.840 --> 0:07:18.520 these check engine lights, you know, I was, I was 0:07:18.560 --> 0:07:22.400 thinking about food seven I really looked, you know, physically, 0:07:22.520 --> 0:07:24.640 the same way that I do today, And so I 0:07:25.040 --> 0:07:27.440 always thought, you know, people who have eating disorders are 0:07:27.440 --> 0:07:31.440 those who are frail and underweight and sort of that stereotypical, 0:07:31.680 --> 0:07:35.840 you know, anorexic looking person and what I read, and 0:07:35.840 --> 0:07:37.480 I also was like, I'm not throwing up my food, 0:07:37.520 --> 0:07:39.560 you know, so I'm not believing and so I really 0:07:39.600 --> 0:07:41.840 didn't feel like I fit into any of these boxes. 0:07:42.000 --> 0:07:44.280 And so part of it, really, you know, what prevented 0:07:44.320 --> 0:07:46.240 me from getting help was because I didn't feel like 0:07:46.280 --> 0:07:49.480 I had a problem. And in hindsight, you know, thinking 0:07:49.480 --> 0:07:52.800 about food and ninety percent at the time is a problem. 0:07:52.960 --> 0:07:55.200 So yeah, so I just I wanted to, you know, 0:07:55.280 --> 0:07:57.920 reiterate that because that's something that again, Lisa, I think 0:07:57.920 --> 0:07:59.800 you do a great job of talking about, is just 0:07:59.840 --> 0:08:02.400 that you know, disordered eating the spectrum first of all, 0:08:02.440 --> 0:08:05.200 and also it doesn't have a look or an appearance. 0:08:05.320 --> 0:08:08.560 You know, any anybody can struggle with those thoughts in 0:08:08.560 --> 0:08:10.880 that relationship with food. And I love that you made 0:08:10.880 --> 0:08:14.840 the important nuance to not glamorize forgetting to eat. And 0:08:14.920 --> 0:08:17.600 it's an important one because I feel like I've said 0:08:17.640 --> 0:08:21.160 stuff on my Instagram similarly, and some people will call 0:08:21.240 --> 0:08:23.360 out things like if I said I didn't finish all 0:08:23.360 --> 0:08:26.520 my food and or um, I forgot to eat, something 0:08:26.560 --> 0:08:30.560 like that, and it's a good distinction to explain that 0:08:30.560 --> 0:08:34.080 that's a rare occurrence when you heal your relationship to food. 0:08:34.520 --> 0:08:37.640 But it's so foreign to where you came from, where 0:08:37.679 --> 0:08:41.000 every waking thought was stolen from your purpose and your 0:08:41.000 --> 0:08:45.439 passion and given towards food. And so when your knee 0:08:45.440 --> 0:08:47.680 deep in a project that you're so passionate about and 0:08:47.679 --> 0:08:50.880 you forget to eat once in a while, right, you're 0:08:50.920 --> 0:08:55.520 really highlighting something very different than forgetting to eat. And 0:08:55.600 --> 0:08:59.000 I think it was really responsible of you to include 0:08:59.040 --> 0:09:03.720 that note in your Instagram caption. Yeah, no, and that's huge. 0:09:03.760 --> 0:09:06.040 I mean, I want to be very crystal clear, like 0:09:06.360 --> 0:09:09.160 that was I never forget to eat. I mean, it 0:09:09.240 --> 0:09:10.800 was just like you said, it was one of those 0:09:10.840 --> 0:09:13.200 moments where I was like, I have come so far 0:09:13.440 --> 0:09:16.559 with my relationship with food that you know, I'm not anticipating, 0:09:16.559 --> 0:09:19.680 I'm not counting down the minutes until my next meal. 0:09:20.120 --> 0:09:21.640 And yeah, you're so right. I mean, I think it's 0:09:21.640 --> 0:09:24.640 obviously hard to to nuance that in an Instagram caption, 0:09:24.679 --> 0:09:28.079 but I didn't. Making those little points is important because 0:09:28.120 --> 0:09:30.760 you know, it's easy to just, you know, subconsciously even 0:09:30.760 --> 0:09:34.360 glamorize it too. When you're kind of recovering. You've done 0:09:34.400 --> 0:09:38.160 a really good job on your Instagram of highlighting some 0:09:38.280 --> 0:09:40.320 of the parts of our stories that I think we 0:09:40.400 --> 0:09:43.840 all have these really shameful moments that I don't think 0:09:43.880 --> 0:09:47.200 we mean to not talk about. But I think some 0:09:47.360 --> 0:09:51.880 of my moments, at least I have subconsciously repressed. And 0:09:52.040 --> 0:09:54.480 one of them that you talk about that I think 0:09:54.600 --> 0:09:57.920 really highlights how crazy it can get up in your 0:09:57.960 --> 0:10:02.200 brain when these things are going on, is how you 0:10:02.559 --> 0:10:06.240 would eat food out of the trash. And that's not 0:10:06.400 --> 0:10:09.840 something sexy to talk about. It's a dark place to go. 0:10:10.400 --> 0:10:13.320 Why did that happen to you? And what's it like 0:10:13.400 --> 0:10:15.320 for you to share that? First of all, I mean, 0:10:15.360 --> 0:10:18.880 it's just wild that I'm at the place now. And again, 0:10:19.000 --> 0:10:20.920 you know, I don't I talked about this a lot, 0:10:20.920 --> 0:10:23.920 like I don't say this to brag or anything, but 0:10:24.080 --> 0:10:26.760 just to give people hope, because I truly was at 0:10:26.760 --> 0:10:28.520 the place where I was like, I'm going to struggle 0:10:28.559 --> 0:10:31.480 with this forever. Like I looked at you know, people 0:10:31.520 --> 0:10:34.120 that had normal relationships with food quote unquote normal just 0:10:34.480 --> 0:10:37.200 I guess, non emotional, you know, not thinking about it 0:10:37.200 --> 0:10:39.600 all the time. And I was just I didn't feel 0:10:39.640 --> 0:10:41.400 like I could ever get to a normal place with 0:10:41.440 --> 0:10:45.640 food and talking about the things that I share today. 0:10:45.880 --> 0:10:48.760 Years ago, I would have been just so shameful, so 0:10:48.920 --> 0:10:52.240 filled with shame, so filled with guilt and embarrassment and regret. 0:10:52.600 --> 0:10:55.040 And of course, whenever you share something a little bit vulnerable, 0:10:55.120 --> 0:10:57.600 you sort of have that, you know, vulnerability hangover for 0:10:57.640 --> 0:11:00.280 a little bit. But really I've never regret add it 0:11:00.520 --> 0:11:03.320 sharing moments like that because the second that I do, 0:11:03.720 --> 0:11:06.640 I mean just the outpouring not only of just support, 0:11:06.720 --> 0:11:09.400 but people that have also done that and said, you know, 0:11:09.800 --> 0:11:12.160 holy sh it, Like I thought I was the only 0:11:12.200 --> 0:11:15.120 person that had done that, and I felt so shameful 0:11:15.160 --> 0:11:17.600 about it, and just hearing that someone else has done 0:11:17.640 --> 0:11:20.040 that it makes me feel seen and not alone, because 0:11:20.080 --> 0:11:23.160 I think a big issue with you know, disordered eating 0:11:23.280 --> 0:11:26.400 is it's such an isolating thing, like when you're going 0:11:26.440 --> 0:11:29.600 through it, you're not you know, running gallivanting throughout the streets, 0:11:29.640 --> 0:11:32.400 you know, telling people that you're struggling with food, like 0:11:32.400 --> 0:11:34.520 you really will do everything to try and hide it. 0:11:34.600 --> 0:11:36.360 So I just wanted to preface it with that. But 0:11:36.640 --> 0:11:38.600 you know the reason I really struggled with it, and 0:11:38.679 --> 0:11:41.920 The reason I decided to share about it was because 0:11:42.160 --> 0:11:45.080 I thought, you know, it was the most embarrassing and 0:11:45.160 --> 0:11:48.640 shameful moment of probably my entire life. And so I thought, 0:11:48.760 --> 0:11:51.079 you know, if I can share this on the internet 0:11:51.120 --> 0:11:53.760 with complete strangers and you know, not that I have 0:11:53.800 --> 0:11:56.720 millions of followers, but the people who follow me, then 0:11:56.920 --> 0:11:58.760 it was almost sort of like ripping off a band 0:11:58.800 --> 0:12:01.280 aid and you know, what else could I talk about? 0:12:01.320 --> 0:12:03.200 And what you know, I almost wanted to create the 0:12:03.200 --> 0:12:06.440 space for other people to share their vulnerabilities and you know, 0:12:06.520 --> 0:12:08.920 their most shameful moments and just normalize it and make 0:12:08.960 --> 0:12:11.040 it okay, because you know, at the end of the day, 0:12:11.080 --> 0:12:13.760 we're all human and we all go through this stuff. 0:12:13.800 --> 0:12:16.520 So yeah, I mean to tell a little backstory about 0:12:16.559 --> 0:12:18.960 why it happened, um or you know, one of the 0:12:19.000 --> 0:12:21.360 moments when it happened. So again, you know, I was 0:12:21.400 --> 0:12:26.520 restricting not only emotionally, physically, mentally, just every aspect of 0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:30.200 my relationship with food really, and so you know, oftentimes 0:12:30.440 --> 0:12:32.559 I would eat a lot in secret. I think part 0:12:32.640 --> 0:12:35.400 of it was, you know, I was a people pleaser, 0:12:35.440 --> 0:12:37.400 and I wanted to look a certain way. I wanted 0:12:37.440 --> 0:12:40.240 to appear like I had my ship together again. I 0:12:40.280 --> 0:12:43.520 was studying nutrition, you know for my undergrad so everyone 0:12:43.600 --> 0:12:47.439 sort of um viewed me as just this really healthy, 0:12:47.480 --> 0:12:49.760 you know eater. Oh Ali, she eats salads all the 0:12:49.800 --> 0:12:52.360 time because she's a nutrition student, so what she does. 0:12:52.800 --> 0:12:55.000 So when I would eat something you know that was 0:12:55.080 --> 0:12:58.400 quote unquote un unhealthy or not clean, you know, in 0:12:58.440 --> 0:13:00.520 my mind, I always did and see scrit And at 0:13:00.559 --> 0:13:02.360 the time, I was living in a storty house, you know, 0:13:02.400 --> 0:13:05.760 in college, so I'm just constantly surrounded by other women, 0:13:05.840 --> 0:13:10.000 which was you know, a recipe for disaster probably. And 0:13:10.040 --> 0:13:12.280 I remember one time, you know, my roommate at the 0:13:12.320 --> 0:13:14.240 time walked in and I don't know if you remember 0:13:14.280 --> 0:13:17.200 those quest bars, but like quest bars were something where 0:13:17.200 --> 0:13:19.680 I felt like it was safe enough quote unquote safe 0:13:19.720 --> 0:13:21.760 enough for me to eat. But they sort of tasted 0:13:21.760 --> 0:13:24.000 a little decadent, which is just so crazy thing about 0:13:24.040 --> 0:13:25.880 it now, because it's like I would never go for 0:13:25.920 --> 0:13:29.160 a quest bar when I was looking for something decadent, 0:13:29.320 --> 0:13:31.600 and I got a box, like a variety pack of 0:13:31.679 --> 0:13:35.000 all these different flavors, and you know, I opened one 0:13:35.120 --> 0:13:36.880 and I thought, oh, I'll just have one, you know, 0:13:37.080 --> 0:13:39.920 and it tasted so good. So then I had another one, 0:13:40.080 --> 0:13:41.480 and then I had another one, and I just was 0:13:41.520 --> 0:13:44.280 taking bites out of all of these different quest bars, 0:13:44.720 --> 0:13:47.520 and I thought my roommate was at you know, her 0:13:47.880 --> 0:13:50.960 lecture some class, and she, I guess, got out earlier, 0:13:51.000 --> 0:13:53.400 got canceled, and she walked in on me in the 0:13:53.400 --> 0:13:55.040 middle of eating all of these bars, and there was 0:13:55.120 --> 0:13:59.160 rappers everywhere, and it was I mean the most like 0:13:59.640 --> 0:14:02.520 just embarrassing moment of you know, to that point of 0:14:02.559 --> 0:14:05.360 my life, because anyone who's ever binged or you know, 0:14:05.559 --> 0:14:08.000 eaten in secret knows that just someone walking in on 0:14:08.080 --> 0:14:11.160 them is the worst. And of course she's so aloof 0:14:11.200 --> 0:14:13.600 you know, she had like a totally easy, breezy relationship 0:14:13.640 --> 0:14:15.360 with food, so she was just like, oh wow, like 0:14:15.400 --> 0:14:18.320 Ali's hungry, you know, guess you know, she's having a snack. 0:14:18.480 --> 0:14:20.840 But I was just so mortified, and I like shoved 0:14:20.880 --> 0:14:22.720 them all, you know, into the trash can in our 0:14:22.720 --> 0:14:25.720 little room under the bed wherever I could, and you know, 0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:28.320 when she went to the bathroom and then later, you know, 0:14:28.320 --> 0:14:30.120 when she went out with friends or went out to dinner, 0:14:30.440 --> 0:14:32.600 I had all of these different you know bars sitting 0:14:32.640 --> 0:14:35.480 in the trash and I looked at them, and you know, 0:14:35.840 --> 0:14:38.800 this wasn't like our personal trash can. It was the communal, 0:14:39.080 --> 0:14:41.360 you know, in the hallway trash can. And I was like, well, 0:14:41.400 --> 0:14:43.280 it's just kind of like sitting on top, you know, 0:14:43.440 --> 0:14:45.080 like it's fine. And then the other part of me 0:14:45.160 --> 0:14:47.120 was like, like, oh my god, are you kidding, Like 0:14:47.400 --> 0:14:48.880 you're not going to take that out of the trash 0:14:49.120 --> 0:14:51.000 because there was you know, if you didn't been in 0:14:51.040 --> 0:14:53.920 there for a couple of hours. And then you know, 0:14:54.040 --> 0:14:55.880 it was kind of late, everyone had kind of gone 0:14:55.920 --> 0:14:59.840 to bed, maybe like eleven PM. And I was like, screw, 0:15:00.200 --> 0:15:02.320 you know, and I grabbed it and I kind of 0:15:02.360 --> 0:15:05.280 like wiped it off and I started eating it. And 0:15:05.360 --> 0:15:09.320 the feeling of just you know, so much, so much 0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:12.600 feeling right like there was this urgency about having to 0:15:12.600 --> 0:15:15.160 eat it before anyone else caught me. There was this 0:15:15.440 --> 0:15:17.760 shame of you know, I can't believe I'm doing this 0:15:18.200 --> 0:15:20.960 sort of a little endorphin rush of like getting away 0:15:20.960 --> 0:15:24.800 with something. So it was just a very confusing blend 0:15:24.840 --> 0:15:27.360 of emotions. And then of course I never told anyone 0:15:27.480 --> 0:15:29.720 until I started talking about it openly to strangers on 0:15:29.760 --> 0:15:32.160 the internet. But yeah, I mean I think I just 0:15:32.520 --> 0:15:35.560 you know, for anyone listening who number one has done that, like, 0:15:35.880 --> 0:15:38.680 you're not alone clearly. And also I think you know, 0:15:38.760 --> 0:15:41.160 it's a good time for you to just reflect and 0:15:41.240 --> 0:15:44.080 you know, realize that something is going on. And I think, 0:15:44.120 --> 0:15:46.480 you know, had I had the skills and the tools 0:15:47.000 --> 0:15:49.760 to deal with, you know, my issues with food or 0:15:49.840 --> 0:15:52.880 just know that you know, this wasn't a normal occurrence 0:15:52.920 --> 0:15:55.560 that people you know who don't restrict food in other 0:15:55.600 --> 0:15:58.840 ways typically eat things out of the trash. Then it 0:15:58.840 --> 0:16:00.480 would have been a good check engine light for me 0:16:00.560 --> 0:16:03.080 to you know, reach out to someone a therapist or 0:16:03.080 --> 0:16:04.680 a loved one. But at the time I just felt 0:16:04.680 --> 0:16:07.000 really shameful about it. Okay, well, in light of you 0:16:07.080 --> 0:16:09.680 sharing that story, I'll just offer some of our listeners 0:16:09.760 --> 0:16:12.120 comfort and that I have eaten out of the trash 0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:15.480 as well, and so I think that that is a 0:16:15.600 --> 0:16:19.440 common cycle that can happen. But again, yes, it's so 0:16:19.480 --> 0:16:22.400 isolating and there's so much shame. I would feel my 0:16:22.480 --> 0:16:26.840 lowest of lows. I had a binge and purge relationship, 0:16:26.920 --> 0:16:31.000 like purging with exercise or you know, choosing to throw up, 0:16:31.040 --> 0:16:33.520 and I felt like these are my lowest of lows 0:16:33.560 --> 0:16:36.280 private moments that no one will ever know about because 0:16:36.320 --> 0:16:38.480 I don't want them to know. I don't want anybody 0:16:38.560 --> 0:16:42.480 to picture me doing any of these activities. But I 0:16:42.520 --> 0:16:46.040 appreciate you sharing that story. And and yeah, I think 0:16:46.120 --> 0:16:48.280 the reason why we talk and why we share is 0:16:48.280 --> 0:16:51.520 so that people don't feel alone, and so they can 0:16:51.560 --> 0:16:55.760 know that there is hope because you are offering them 0:16:55.840 --> 0:16:58.800 that hope by showing them, Hey, I'm to the other side. 0:16:58.960 --> 0:17:01.760 It took a lot of work to get where we are. 0:17:02.160 --> 0:17:04.520 Like if anybody's listening right now and maybe they just 0:17:04.600 --> 0:17:08.240 had an episode this morning or last night and you're 0:17:08.280 --> 0:17:11.040 kind of just thinking you're you're lost and you don't 0:17:11.040 --> 0:17:13.560 know what your your next move is. I just hope 0:17:13.560 --> 0:17:15.919 that they feel encouraged that there is hope and that 0:17:16.000 --> 0:17:18.520 there is another way and you don't have to be 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:21.720 obsessed with the food and you don't have to restrict 0:17:21.800 --> 0:17:24.280 and you don't have to eat out of the trash. 0:17:24.400 --> 0:17:26.600 There is another way. And that's why Lisa and I 0:17:26.640 --> 0:17:29.159 started out wigh and Lisa has been a huge encouragement 0:17:29.200 --> 0:17:31.680 to me as well, and so I'm excited to start 0:17:31.720 --> 0:17:35.240 following you to Ali just because I love everything that 0:17:35.280 --> 0:17:38.520 you've shared so far, adding another important perspective as to 0:17:38.560 --> 0:17:42.400 how powerful that share is. You also help somebody who, 0:17:42.520 --> 0:17:45.199 like you didn't know and I didn't know in my 0:17:45.359 --> 0:17:47.400 low moment, and Amy, you didn't know in your low 0:17:47.440 --> 0:17:50.399 moment that that was as you called it, Ali, that 0:17:50.520 --> 0:17:53.320 check engine light a warning sign that you need help. 0:17:53.760 --> 0:17:56.920 And so for the listener that may not have experienced 0:17:56.920 --> 0:18:00.159 something like that yet, it's now on their radar of 0:18:00.320 --> 0:18:03.680 if that happens, the check engine light is on, You're 0:18:03.720 --> 0:18:06.960 not broken, but there's something to assess. As well as 0:18:07.000 --> 0:18:09.600 for the listener that listens because they have a daughter 0:18:09.840 --> 0:18:12.560 or a son, or a sister or a brother, and 0:18:12.640 --> 0:18:14.880 when they see this behavior, instead of being like, oh, 0:18:14.920 --> 0:18:16.560 what the heck was that she just I just caught 0:18:16.560 --> 0:18:20.400 her him eating from the trash, it's like, okay, this 0:18:20.520 --> 0:18:24.959 is telling me that there's something beneath the behavior that 0:18:25.040 --> 0:18:28.800 needs to be examined totally. Yeah, and separating it from 0:18:28.840 --> 0:18:31.199 it's not I love that. Yeah, it's it's not you 0:18:31.320 --> 0:18:33.680 that's broken. You know, it's not something that's wrong with you. 0:18:33.760 --> 0:18:36.680 Because I really felt that so deep in my core 0:18:37.080 --> 0:18:39.240 that I was messed up, you know, I was like, 0:18:39.320 --> 0:18:42.400 there's something so wrong with me, and it really scared me, right, 0:18:42.640 --> 0:18:44.600 but it's not, It's just the behavior that you're doing 0:18:44.760 --> 0:18:47.040 is like you said, yeah, it's a great check engine 0:18:47.119 --> 0:18:48.919 light or just you know a red flag that you 0:18:48.960 --> 0:18:51.280 know something is just a little off, and you know, 0:18:51.400 --> 0:18:54.000 you easily can kind of get back to baseline and 0:18:54.280 --> 0:18:57.920 heal that relationship with food. Well, let's talk about carbophobia 0:18:58.240 --> 0:19:01.440 and you're healing from that. I'll try and keep it short, 0:19:01.520 --> 0:19:04.840 but essentially, I mean for a very long time, I 0:19:04.880 --> 0:19:08.600 was totally carbophobic. So I mean I would even opt 0:19:08.760 --> 0:19:11.400 you know, as I mentioned, I struggled with orthorexia, which 0:19:11.400 --> 0:19:14.199 I'm sure your listeners know is just obsession with you know, 0:19:14.440 --> 0:19:17.000 the purity of a food or just how clean it 0:19:17.080 --> 0:19:19.879 is or the ingredients. Um. And so for me, carbs 0:19:19.880 --> 0:19:21.800 were a big no note for a long time, and 0:19:21.840 --> 0:19:24.760 I really would even opt for these massive salads that 0:19:24.800 --> 0:19:27.440 were just much bigger than you know, my body needed 0:19:27.480 --> 0:19:29.719 at the time, but I would opt for them instead 0:19:29.760 --> 0:19:32.600 of just you know, a smaller kind of normal or 0:19:32.600 --> 0:19:35.320