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Speaker 1: Now here's a highlight from Coast to Coast AM on iHeartRadio.

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Speaker 2: Man, Welcome back to Coast to Coast George nor You

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Speaker 2: with doctor Donna Marcus. Or website again is linked up

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Speaker 2: at Coast TOCOASTAM dot com, Dona. When somebody comes to

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Speaker 2: you as a psychotherapist, what do they generally want help for?

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Speaker 3: Well, most people that come to therapy are suffering. They're

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Speaker 3: in pain, and that's what brings them to getting help.

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Speaker 3: Very few the people come in and say, I'm feeling great,

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Speaker 3: I want to feel better, and so that's just the

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Speaker 3: nature of the business. They want to get out of

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Speaker 3: the pain that they're in. Are they feel that something's

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Speaker 3: missing in their lives, which is more subtle pain, but

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Speaker 3: nevertheless it's a driving force.

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Speaker 2: Is it physical pain or mental pain, emotional.

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Speaker 3: Emotional emotional pain? And so when they come in and

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Speaker 3: I listen to them and ask certain questions, I try

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Speaker 3: to find out what is causing that pain or that

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Speaker 3: discontent or that this needs in them.

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Speaker 2: How much of it has caused from childhood? In your opinion, Well,

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Speaker 2: I think.

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Speaker 3: That most people who are experiencing situations in their life

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Speaker 3: that are troubling them almost always have something going on

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Speaker 3: in their childhood, and it could be that it's not obvious.

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Speaker 3: It could be that there was one particular person had

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Speaker 3: a you know, helicopter type mom, and it overpowered him

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Speaker 3: and made him feel inadequate, and so whenever he feels

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Speaker 3: that he's being controlled, he reacts. And yet you can say,

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Speaker 3: what kind of childhood did you have? It was perfect,

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Speaker 3: my parents stayed married or must stay at home. Mom

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Speaker 3: had all my needs met, But that need to control

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Speaker 3: that little boy that grew up into adolescents and even

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Speaker 3: off the college, she's still trying to.

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Speaker 4: Control his environment and come.

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Speaker 3: Decorate, you know, where he was living in. All it

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Speaker 3: away this sense of individuality and masculinity, but so important.

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Speaker 4: For young men.

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Speaker 3: Children need to be monitored, they need to be sheltered,

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Speaker 3: They need a certain amount of control. But micromanaging is

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Speaker 3: never healthy. So it could be something more subtle like that,

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Speaker 3: or it could be something like I grew up in whatever,

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Speaker 3: they're just total chaos and emotional craziness and high levels

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Speaker 3: of a neglect and abuse, and so whatever the case is,

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Speaker 3: there usually is some type of route there going backwards.

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Speaker 2: With the parents involved. Is it normally the man or

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Speaker 2: the woman, the father or the mother that may be

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Speaker 2: the one who's causing some of the issues or both.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it could be either or or both. It just

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Speaker 3: depends on what's happening. The mother is usually the one

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Speaker 3: that gets the brunk culture because she, you know, she

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Speaker 3: is the one who carries the baby, and she is

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Speaker 3: the one who the nurtures allegedly, you know, supposed to

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Speaker 3: be the nurture. She is the one that is the

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Speaker 3: protector in that situation. But some moms, and again I

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Speaker 3: don't want to blame anybody. You know, when people are

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Speaker 3: inadequate parents, it's because they did not receive adequate training,

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Speaker 3: or there is something causing them to be inadequate that

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Speaker 3: hasn't been addressed.

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Speaker 2: I mean, it's conceivable their parents didn't treat them right.

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Speaker 2: And it just goes all the way back, doesn't it.

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Speaker 4: Absolutely.

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Speaker 3: You know, Foreyd talked about that life is a reenactment

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Speaker 3: of the past, and so we do need to look

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Speaker 3: at what happened to their parents and their parents. It's

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Speaker 3: often intergenerational types of situations that occur. But we don't

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Speaker 3: have to be victims of that. We can wake up

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Speaker 3: at any moment and say no more. It stops here.

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Speaker 3: Here's the tree, and I'm stopping it here.

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Speaker 4: At this level, I.

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Speaker 2: Think, Donna, every prospective parent should go through a course

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Speaker 2: with somebody like you to help train them before the

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Speaker 2: kid is born.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely, you know, I talk about that in all of

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Speaker 3: my books What creates a healthy physically mentally healthy child?

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Speaker 3: And I have three little granddaughters right now, and it's

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Speaker 3: just delightful to be around them because they have had

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Speaker 3: that type of parenting and even though there's been some

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Speaker 3: traumatic experiences that have happened, the mother has been there

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Speaker 3: for them, nurturing them, loving them and forming really close

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Speaker 3: attachments to them. And those children are just so happy,

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Speaker 3: and you know, they cry when they're sad or they

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Speaker 3: get angry, and they express it, but they express it

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Speaker 3: with words and not by throwing things or hitting things.

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Speaker 3: And so this is the elements where the nurturing is there.

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Speaker 3: There's a safe, close attachment to that parent. And it

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Speaker 3: could be the father, the mother, hopefully both, but especially

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Speaker 3: it starts with the mother. And when someone can, you know,

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Speaker 3: how take the effort to breastfeed their baby, it really

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Speaker 3: is the easiest way to go. You can you can

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Speaker 3: put the baby, you know, close to you go back

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Speaker 3: to sleep. You don't have to get up and do

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Speaker 3: bottles and all of that, which is sleep interruption and

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Speaker 3: very stressful in the middle of the night. And so

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Speaker 3: to be able to look into that baby's eyes and

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Speaker 3: emanate love and worth. Children that are raised like that,

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Speaker 3: who know that they are important, that they matter, and

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Speaker 3: then they have their little natural talents that start blossoming,

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Speaker 3: and you cultivate those, and you give them guidance and

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Speaker 3: manners and structure without too much. They are well adjusted

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Speaker 3: and they go out into the world as happy, well

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Speaker 3: adjusted people.

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Speaker 4: They don't have to do.

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Speaker 3: Like some of us online all of that and then

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Speaker 3: figure it out.

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Speaker 2: Don I was too much shy of twenty one when

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Speaker 2: my first daughter was born years years years ago. Oh

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Speaker 2: but I didn't know when much about childhood and parents.

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Speaker 2: But what I didn't know was the way I was raised,

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Speaker 2: and that's what I did. That's the only training I had.

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Speaker 2: I just looked at how my folks took care of me,

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Speaker 2: and I did the same thing and she turned out.

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Speaker 3: Okay, Well, she must have gotten enough love that she's fine.

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Speaker 4: And that's the key.

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Speaker 3: You know that children feel that they're important, that they

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Speaker 3: have software that their parents value them. And it never

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Speaker 3: has to be perfect nobody. In fact, if it were perfect,

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Speaker 3: it would be dysfunctional because if you raise a child

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Speaker 3: thinking that the world is perfect, then they go.

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Speaker 4: Out in the real world. They can't the skills to

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Speaker 4: cope with the ever auctions.

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Speaker 2: Then it's shell shock when in the real world, isn't it.

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Speaker 3: Yes, yes, So it doesn't have to be perfect. There's

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Speaker 3: no perfect parenting. It just has to be good enough.

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Speaker 2: What do you think some of the most powerful mindsets

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Speaker 2: can be for people who want to change their life

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Speaker 2: for the better, they're simply not happy doing what they're

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Speaker 2: doing right now.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, for you decide that you deserve to be happy,

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Speaker 3: and what is it that you want, Because if you

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Speaker 3: want something, it's probably there in you for a reason.

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Speaker 3: And if you are living a life of purpose and

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Speaker 3: meeting and you're fulfilling that purpose and meaning that you're

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Speaker 3: here on the planet to do, then you're going to

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Speaker 3: be happy. And so if there's things that you're doing

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Speaker 3: that are interfering with you being able to fulfill your purpose,

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Speaker 3: and I mean fully, I mean a lot of people

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Speaker 3: have addictions or habits that are interfering with the quality

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Speaker 3: of their happiness. So maybe they're even highly successful, or

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Speaker 3: maybe they're doing what they want, but they're not fulfilled.

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Speaker 3: So we have to we can't just put everything into

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Speaker 3: one little box, you know, like, have a meaningful purpose

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Speaker 3: of a life and you'll be happy. There's a lot

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Speaker 3: of components to a meaningful, purposeal, purposeful life, and that

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Speaker 3: includes living your life in such a way that you

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Speaker 3: are fully alive and that you're not numbing out yourself

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Speaker 3: with certain behaviors that are robbing you of your vitality

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Speaker 3: and your spiritual energy.

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Speaker 2: Donnie, can you give us an example that you don't

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Speaker 2: have to give us names obviously, of somebody who came

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Speaker 2: to you unhappy or had issues and you helped turn

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Speaker 2: them around, and how you did that.

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Speaker 4: Well? Absolutely, I had.

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Speaker 3: I sometimes work with businesses, and I had a business

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Speaker 3: that I was working with, and.

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Speaker 4: All of the key people.

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Speaker 3: In the business there were four at all males, and

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Speaker 3: they were all at odds with one another, and one

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Speaker 3: by one they we've identified different things that were going on,

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Speaker 3: and in every case there was an addiction going on.

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Speaker 3: One had an alcohol actually a drug and sex addiction.

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Speaker 3: One of them had an alcoholic addiction, one of them

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Speaker 3: had an eating disorder, and then the main person had

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Speaker 3: till disorders. So one by one we and I don't

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Speaker 3: dive into it right away, but you know, over time,

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Speaker 3: one by one, all four of them were able to

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Speaker 3: reclaim themselves and be free from those disorders that were

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Speaker 3: interfering with their happiness. And once that was out of

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Speaker 3: the way, then they were resected to learning better communication skills,

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Speaker 3: setting up a system of communication and a way to

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Speaker 3: run the business that wasn't at odds. And one of

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Speaker 3: the persons actually did have to leave the business and

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Speaker 3: is better off for it. Everyone is better off for it.

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Speaker 3: But it was a challenging case. But it's the type

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Speaker 3: of thing that I deal with all the time. Almost

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Speaker 3: everyone that comes into my office either has some form

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Speaker 3: of addiction. They don't realize it, and I always say,

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Speaker 3: it's nobody's fault. If someone has an addiction, it's no

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Speaker 3: one's fault because a lot of research goes in to

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Speaker 3: developing products that make a person want more. I was

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Speaker 3: hearing today that this AI which I'm all about, I

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Speaker 3: use it myself all the time.

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Speaker 4: It's a wonderful, wonderful thing.

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Speaker 3: However, when it's used to manipulate children like don't hang

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Speaker 3: up now, or can't you talk a little bit longer?

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Speaker 3: You know, there's research that goes into getting people addicted

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Speaker 3: to things. The level of alcohol content and a drink

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Speaker 3: doesn't need to be as high as it is, but

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Speaker 3: it makes the brain want more. Whatever we're dealing with,

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Speaker 3: whether it's pornography or gambling, all of these things, we

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Speaker 3: need to reclaim our brains. This is my sacred command

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Speaker 3: center here in my head, and you don't get to

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Speaker 3: own it. I own it. And so when we have

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Speaker 3: when we start to care enough about ourselves, that's the

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Speaker 3: first step step and self love is I own my

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Speaker 3: brain and you can't have it. I get to decide

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Speaker 3: what's good for me and what's not good for me.

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Speaker 3: And so when we raise our children that way, And

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Speaker 3: this is what I teach my parents to my patients,

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Speaker 3: to reclaim themselves in those consciousness that they matter, that

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Speaker 3: they are lovable, that they are worth whatever amount of

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Speaker 3: effort they think that they're going to have.

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Speaker 4: To go through to get back to who they really are.

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Speaker 4: They are worth it.

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Speaker 2: Were these four individuals, these four men from the company,

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Speaker 2: were they honest to you and tower themselves?

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Speaker 4: Well? I think they were more.

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Speaker 3: As in most situations, whether it's a family or business,

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Speaker 3: people can see the other much better than they can

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Speaker 3: see themselves. So in this particular situation, there was a

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Speaker 3: targeted person who had the obvious alcohol problems. But then

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Speaker 3: when I started talking to them individually, the first person

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Speaker 3: who was mad at the alcoholic had an eating disorder,

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Speaker 3: so that got addressed. And he also wasn't happy in

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Speaker 3: the company and wanted to do his own thing and

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Speaker 3: felt held back. So he was able to do that,

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Speaker 3: which was very good. And then the fingers started pointing

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Speaker 3: in other directions, one by one. And fortunately, of course

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Speaker 3: I don't just say here this, here's your problem, Go

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Speaker 3: get help. You know, it's a process of getting through

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Speaker 3: the denial and inspiring. I don't ever shame anybody. I

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Speaker 3: try to inspire people. I think that down deep, we

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Speaker 3: all want to be healthy and well and happy, and

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Speaker 3: so when we understand what's interfering with that, we do

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Speaker 3: want to correct it. But a lot of people feel

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Speaker 3: so ashamed and so guilty, and that's just another way

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Speaker 3: of staying unhealthy. We have to be willing to turn

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Speaker 3: on that light inside and see passed and not be

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Speaker 3: blaming ourselves. That we've come impaired in some way. There

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Speaker 3: are so many factors involved, Like I said, research that

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Speaker 3: goes into getting people addicted, but also some of us

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Speaker 3: have suffered a great deal of pain in our lives

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Speaker 3: and said, we just got in the habit of self medicating,

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Speaker 3: or maybe we're in very unhappy situations.

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Speaker 4: And we didn't mean to become addicted. It just happened.

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Speaker 3: But I want to inspire people that there's always a

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Speaker 3: layout of that naze and when we learn to fill

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Speaker 3: that emptiness inside or that invisible hole I call it,

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Speaker 3: with more than just something out there. You can be

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Speaker 3: driven by that inner light, by that self love, and

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Speaker 3: learn how to love yourself, learn how to care for yourself,

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Speaker 3: learn how to talk about it, learn how to reach out,

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Speaker 3: learn how to help other people, learn how to have friends,

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Speaker 3: learn how to be a friend. Learn how to care

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Speaker 3: for yourself, Take care of your body, take care of

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Speaker 3: your mind. This takes a little bit of effort, and

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Speaker 3: those children who are raised like that, it's not any

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Speaker 3: effort for them at all. They don't feel comfortable when

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Speaker 3: they're not using the self care. But some of us

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Speaker 3: were neglected or didn't know how to do that, and

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Speaker 3: so we must learn how to do that before we

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Speaker 3: can even begin to want to be better.

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Speaker 2: Do you find that the spiritual person is a happier person.

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Speaker 3: I do believe that spiritual people are happier people, but

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Speaker 3: I think that everyone has to find their own form

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Speaker 3: of spirituality and to say that there's one way when

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Speaker 3: we can see that this vast universe.

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Speaker 4: Has lots of things going on all the time, So.

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Speaker 3: I don't believe that there's one way, but I do

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Speaker 3: believe that love is the way. And so I always

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Speaker 3: tell people if you have a difficulty with the word God,

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Speaker 3: which I do not.

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Speaker 4: I believe in God and that is my higher power.

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Speaker 3: But if you don't, if that doesn't work for you,

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Speaker 3: find something that does.

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Speaker 4: For some people, it's nature. They'll go for a walk

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Speaker 4: in the woods and they feel.

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Speaker 3: Plugged in, or they can be out on the water

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Speaker 3: and a boat and just know that there's some thing

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Speaker 3: more than just this. And so whatever it is, whether

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Speaker 3: it's music or dali lama or whatever, find it. But

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Speaker 3: it's something that's going to tap inside of you. Because

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Speaker 3: I do believe we all are spiritual in nature and

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Speaker 3: we may not realize it, but that's why there's always

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Speaker 3: those two voices. There that human voice that tries to

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Speaker 3: talk us of this doing the next wrong thing. But

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Speaker 3: there's always that spiritual voice also, that self love that says,

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Speaker 3: try this, it might work this time. Try caring about yourself,

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Speaker 3: Try reaching out to others. Get out of bed, no

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Speaker 3: matter how depressed you are. But one dish in the dishwasher,

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Speaker 3: take one step out the door. Little pieces at a time.

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Speaker 3: I was recently working with the woman who becomes so

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Speaker 3: depressed that she could not get out of bed, and

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Speaker 3: she was having so much tension in her body that

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Speaker 3: she was in severe pain, and her psychiatrist was putting

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Speaker 3: her on kinds of medication and unfortunately, you know, this

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Speaker 3: is counterproductive to healing. That this particular person had gone

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Speaker 3: through a series of traumatic events as an adult. She

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Speaker 3: also had a very happy childhood, but she got bombarded

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Speaker 3: by one tsunami way back to the next and she

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Speaker 3: did not have the resources of coping with that, and

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Speaker 3: finally it consumed her. So this is another example of

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Speaker 3: someone who was people hire me for a month at

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Speaker 3: a time. I just have a concierge practice, and I

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Speaker 3: do very intensive work with them, and the end of

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Speaker 3: the month, she's like I'm going here, I'm going here

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Speaker 3: and doing this, So I'm doing that. She was herself

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Speaker 3: again and even beyond that, because she worked through all

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Speaker 3: that pain that had been buried inside of her. She

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Speaker 3: didn't know how to grieve and she didn't know how

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Speaker 3: to accept that she had been through all this trauma.

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Speaker 3: So we must understand that we are human beings and

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Speaker 3: that we go through things, but no matter what we've

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Speaker 3: been through, we can process that, we can work it out,

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Speaker 3: and we can even be better than we before all

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Speaker 3: that came.

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