Speaker 1: This is how men think with brooks Like and Gavin
Speaker 1: to grow and I heard radio podcast. Welcome to the show, everybody.
Speaker 1: My name is brooks Like, and this is how men think.
Speaker 1: A podcast where we dive into all sorts of topics
Speaker 1: that men and women deal with, and we kind of
Speaker 1: jump up into the brain of a man and we
Speaker 1: open source that for everybody to hear. I'm here with
Speaker 1: my good buddy with the nice fresh hat on today,
Speaker 1: Mr Gavin de Gros, So new and so fresh, so fresh.
Speaker 1: That's sure too. That violet is that violet you're wearing.
Speaker 1: I'm celebrating right now. Yeah, talk into the mic. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: but you know what I mean. You're a singer with
Speaker 1: getting to the hype. This is actually a great Mike technique.
Speaker 1: When I get louder, I lean away from the mic.
Speaker 1: But it doesn't work here in the studio, it doesn't buddy. Sorry, guys,
Speaker 1: and you have brilliant things to say. I want everybody
Speaker 1: to hear that wisdom. How are you doing today, Boddy?
Speaker 1: I'm good man, I'm great. I got here on time today,
Speaker 1: so I'm feeling a little bit better about myself. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I got here so early that I went and got
Speaker 1: a bite to eat and came back late. He's not
Speaker 1: good to be back. That's good, it's good to have you.
Speaker 1: And you also you also had z food at a
Speaker 1: steak restaurant. I did. That's right, that's right. I even
Speaker 1: was incredibly bad influence and recruited the other two guys
Speaker 1: out here to come down, and uh, they didn't fight.
Speaker 1: I said, anybody wants something to eat downstairs at the restaurant.
Speaker 1: Immediately like yeah, hell yeah, I'll be right down. The
Speaker 1: worst party was showed up. It was three minutes before
Speaker 1: we're supposed to be here, and he's like, oh, I'm early,
Speaker 1: I'm gonn get a snack. Who paid? Who picked up
Speaker 1: the check? Gaff? We just left the check And what
Speaker 1: happened was funny because, uh, I guess by the time
Speaker 1: Dmitri first walked in, I wasn't sitting at the bar
Speaker 1: where I had said I would be, and um, I
Speaker 1: came back out and there was nobody there, and of
Speaker 1: course they walked in. If you Mini Starcio, where we
Speaker 1: maybe we walked in here, you weren't in here? I said, well,
Speaker 1: actually I was in the bathroom because I'm wearing this
Speaker 1: linen shirt and I just unpacked it and had wrinkles
Speaker 1: all over it. So I was in there throwing water
Speaker 1: on the wrinkles. I walked out looking like I was
Speaker 1: breastfeeding all that a miracle baby, you know. So there,
Speaker 1: why good question for you because there's no cameras in
Speaker 1: here currently. What was were you worried about just walking
Speaker 1: in the ten steps from Morton's that I heard here
Speaker 1: that somebody might see your wrinkled shirt. And I was
Speaker 1: afraid actually that I would walk in here and then
Speaker 1: they'd have cameras in here and they go, hey, let's
Speaker 1: take a couple of pictures for the show, you know, like, oh, man,
Speaker 1: here's the guy with the I just unfolded my laundry
Speaker 1: from my luggage, you know, defeats the whole kind of purpose, Like,
Speaker 1: who's the slob? That's all right, buddy, you look fresh,
Speaker 1: you look clean, and you've got a big smile. So
Speaker 1: I thought he was pumping me because I walk in there.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm on my way. I walk in and
Speaker 1: I look around and the woman at the front desk
Speaker 1: is just looking at me, and I just I look around.
Speaker 1: I'm standing there. She gets a call, so I wait
Speaker 1: and then she you know, hangs up the phone. I go,
Speaker 1: is there anyone here? And she goes, you mean, like
Speaker 1: for service a server and I'm like no, no, like
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to meet somebody and she's like, no, no,
Speaker 1: You're the only one here. So I left and I
Speaker 1: went back and I bumped it. I bumped in a
Speaker 1: rick and he's like, let's go back and check. So
Speaker 1: we go back, come around the same corner and there's
Speaker 1: Gavin Jumbo shrimp cartail it, tacos, the whole spread. I
Speaker 1: was like, how did I miss him? Because the last
Speaker 1: time he told me to meet him somewhere. We're at
Speaker 1: this hotel up in Oakland and he's like, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go back down the bar and gonna drink. I was like,
Speaker 1: all right, I'm in. So I go up to my
Speaker 1: room and I come back down and there he has.
Speaker 1: The bar's empty, He's sitting at the bar, he's got
Speaker 1: a beer in front of him, and he's got a
Speaker 1: beer in front of an empty seat. And I walked in.
Speaker 1: It was it was the most special feeling. It was
Speaker 1: like a tinder date. What a gentleman. He had a
Speaker 1: drink from me already? Was this time was just a
Speaker 1: complete opposite, Rick, how are you doing today? But well?
Speaker 1: Doing well Brooks? Yeah, you look good too, thank you. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I'm just a busy work day and I made it
Speaker 1: through the traffic and I'm happy to be here. I
Speaker 1: really excited to get this going. Yeah, so this topic today,
Speaker 1: Rick is not admitting that he also showered for you guys.
Speaker 1: I w so I walked in the day, said Demetri
Speaker 1: said Ricks. Here he's in the shower. I'm like, does
Speaker 1: he have a corporate like office? Rick? Like, how did
Speaker 1: I did you get that in your deal? I didn't
Speaker 1: get that in my deal? This is a shower here?
Speaker 1: Did you get there was a shower downstairs? And I
Speaker 1: was so excited. Amy hooked it all up and I
Speaker 1: went walking like, you know I had to pay fifteen
Speaker 1: dollars for that shower? Did you use? It was the
Speaker 1: you can travel with that? It's the gym downstairs. So
Speaker 1: I had to get Rick a fifteen dollar ship. But
Speaker 1: I was watching down there and I walked you in
Speaker 1: the gym, and on the on the wall and going
Speaker 1: into the gym is a gigantic poster of this dude
Speaker 1: who's just absolutely ripped. And I turned to to Tor
Speaker 1: and I said, is that Brooks, It was the gym.
Speaker 1: Let's superpose a picture. It's one of those poster things
Speaker 1: you put up in your kid's room. That's just the
Speaker 1: giant baseball player. Rather, I appreciate it once a day.
Speaker 1: Tell me that's ones to day. I appreciate you, my man.
Speaker 1: That's what we're here for. So today's topic is something
Speaker 1: I'm really excited for this and it's something that maybe
Speaker 1: a lot of men might be shy to talk about.
Speaker 1: Maybe it might be uncomfortable for a lot of men.
Speaker 1: I think a lot of women listening are certainly more
Speaker 1: comfortable discussing it. And that topic is intimacy intimacy. So
Speaker 1: what is intimacy? Intimacy versus sex? These guys look at
Speaker 1: me like you can't see. I'm gonna go back down
Speaker 1: and see if I can find Gavin back. I'm quite
Speaker 1: excited to get into this though, um, because it's an
Speaker 1: area I certainly need to grow. I'll admit that first
Speaker 1: and foremost. I certainly need to grow is the key
Speaker 1: word there. And also what's unique about this is we
Speaker 1: have four guys that are in different stages of their life.
Speaker 1: Gavin is single, so what's intimacy to a single man?
Speaker 1: How do you build that when looking for a partner?
Speaker 1: Young man or women who is single and looking to
Speaker 1: build intimacy with a partner. I'm freshly, area, have been
Speaker 1: married two years, so what is intimacy to me now? Then? Dmitri,
Speaker 1: you've been married, uh fourteen years? Fourteen years? And Rick?
Speaker 1: So you guys have been married fourteen fifteen years? How
Speaker 1: has intimacy changed? How do you keep intimacy in your relationship? What?
Speaker 1: What fuels intimacy for you guys? And I'm sure for
Speaker 1: all of us it's very different. So I'll pose this
Speaker 1: question to you guys to kick it off. Gavin, what
Speaker 1: picked your mind? You have? Let's start with you? What
Speaker 1: is intimac people who know about it? Short answer? What
Speaker 1: to you is intimacy? Buddy? Oh? Tough question? But um,
Speaker 1: do I have to go first? I mean you don't.
Speaker 1: I mean intimacy is a lot of different things. Intimacy
Speaker 1: is the the initial spark um. Um. We can skip
Speaker 1: with all that means, the initial spark um. But ultimately,
Speaker 1: I think I think you you have to um figure
Speaker 1: out if there's a long term goal there with the
Speaker 1: person that you're intimate with I think the culture changed
Speaker 1: and it became sort of a you know, we're trying
Speaker 1: to People got more religious, and they got into the
Speaker 1: whole marital status of things, which essentially where all that
Speaker 1: stuff stem from, right, Having like a monogamous relationship, um,
Speaker 1: which is a long term thing. You're looking for a
Speaker 1: life partner if you're lucky to find that. But I
Speaker 1: think that's a different thing than somebody who's just kind
Speaker 1: of out in the world floating around looking for something
Speaker 1: that's actually gonna work at all. You know, you guys,
Speaker 1: have found your your life partner, You love your life,
Speaker 1: you're the stars aligned, etcetera. You know. Um. So it's
Speaker 1: hard for me to say that I know anything about
Speaker 1: intimacy other than wow, look at that. That's amazing. It
Speaker 1: just hasn't quite worked out for me long term, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. So intimacy falls I think falls
Speaker 1: in line with the relationship things. So I'm not really
Speaker 1: an expert on any of that stuff, and I don't
Speaker 1: think any of us are. But I'll go to YouTube. Guys,
Speaker 1: you've been married fourteen fifteen years, me treat for you
Speaker 1: and your wife. What would you say intimacy? Well, one,
Speaker 1: how would you define intimacy and then how is it
Speaker 1: present in your relationship? Intimacy to me is the when
Speaker 1: you find that person that everything else kind of melts away.
Speaker 1: You can be at your raw state with each other,
Speaker 1: and you can feel vulnerable and you can feel like
Speaker 1: with this person, I feel safe and you're like and
Speaker 1: you're sharing. So a lot of people I think confused
Speaker 1: intimacy and sects, and I think there is a sexual
Speaker 1: aspect to intimate intimacy, but it doesn't mean that all
Speaker 1: just having sex with someone is intimate. So I think
Speaker 1: it's when you feel like you're with someone that you
Speaker 1: feel vulnerable, but you still feel safe and you feel trusted.
Speaker 1: And I think that that both of you feel that way,
Speaker 1: and I think you have someone that you feel Listen,
Speaker 1: all the other stuff in the world, all the other
Speaker 1: stuff that can happen right now, this is this is
Speaker 1: my safe zone. So how how how is it present
Speaker 1: in your relationship today? How do you and your wife
Speaker 1: make sure that you are intimate with each other? Obviously
Speaker 1: there's physically, but uh, how emotionally or connection wise? How
Speaker 1: do you make sure that you are present and intimate
Speaker 1: on a daily basis? Yeah, we don't know I'm kidding. Um,
Speaker 1: I guess basically, we just make sure that we that
Speaker 1: we communicate so and I think you have to I
Speaker 1: think you have to go and do things that Obviously
Speaker 1: there's the physical aspect of it, but I think you
Speaker 1: have to do things that remind each other that that
Speaker 1: that you have that relationship. So it's like you'll have
Speaker 1: conversations with each other and you'll keep each other, you know,
Speaker 1: up to date on your feelings or not up to date.
Speaker 1: Sounds so business e, but you know you'll you'll be
Speaker 1: open about your feelings in this now. But I think
Speaker 1: you have to remind each other that that you do
Speaker 1: have that relationship. So you know, if someone had a
Speaker 1: crazy day, or if someone's going through something, or if
Speaker 1: there's someone in the families anything you remind you know,
Speaker 1: you have to remind that person and spend a little time.
Speaker 1: It could be something as simple as as holding a hand.
Speaker 1: It could be you know, spooning while you're in bed,
Speaker 1: and it could just be having a conversation. But it's
Speaker 1: like you have to remind that person or remind each
Speaker 1: other that that you have that relationship and when all
Speaker 1: this other stuff is there, that you're strong at the core.
Speaker 1: And that's that's what I think, that's where it comes from.
Speaker 1: That's what I meant to say earlier. Actually answer I
Speaker 1: was reading that from his text. I was like, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna take one for the team here, and here's the
Speaker 1: answer you should give. I like that you set them
Speaker 1: up to succeed. Good for you, But uh, I mean
Speaker 1: to be honest, it's hard. You know, when you've been
Speaker 1: married for fifteen plus years or fifteen years or whatever,
Speaker 1: maybe it's even two years, or maybe it's nine or whatever.
Speaker 1: I do believe that it's a very hard thing to
Speaker 1: maintain um and two people have to or your partner,
Speaker 1: you really have to work at it. It's not just something.
Speaker 1: You know, falling in love is falling in love and you're,
Speaker 1: like Dmitri saying, you're kind of everything goes away and
Speaker 1: you're just with each other and you're engaged with that person.
Speaker 1: I think that's kind of the early stages of that.
Speaker 1: And then as you grow older or you're married longer,
Speaker 1: and then you have kids, and there's other things that
Speaker 1: come in your life that not to say or more
Speaker 1: of a priority, but for the both of you are
Speaker 1: more of a priority, you know, raising your kids, getting
Speaker 1: them to school, you know, whatever that may be, they
Speaker 1: take up more of that space. And I think reaching
Speaker 1: back into that person, um, you know, after fifteen years
Speaker 1: is it's very challenging, you know. And those are some
Speaker 1: of the face those are some of the things that
Speaker 1: my wife and I face, you know. And whether that's
Speaker 1: trying to make it it's it's as hard for us
Speaker 1: or me to to schedule a dinner date, you know.
Speaker 1: I mean it's like, well, when do you want to
Speaker 1: do that? Um? And but it has to be done,
Speaker 1: and that's how important it is. And I think even
Speaker 1: with my wife and I, we really try to make
Speaker 1: those dates, whether it's a dinner date or maybe it's
Speaker 1: dropping you know, going together to one of the kids games,
Speaker 1: you know, right right now where we split ways and
Speaker 1: you know, I'm with my son or she's with my son,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, you know, it's like, hey, where where
Speaker 1: do we connect back? You know, And a lot of
Speaker 1: that times it's it's let's make our favorite meal together,
Speaker 1: let's you know whatever that is. You know. So I
Speaker 1: think it's really trying to find the things that you
Speaker 1: fell in love with each other back at day one
Speaker 1: and rehashing some of that stuff and being like remember
Speaker 1: that time we were down to Newport Beach and and
Speaker 1: you know, we jumped off the Leado Pier and in
Speaker 1: our bathing suits on the fourth of July. And then
Speaker 1: we drove home and we went to my parents house
Speaker 1: and we were like dating for about two weeks and
Speaker 1: it was like craziness, you know. But like those are
Speaker 1: the you know, when we drive over a bridge, it's like,
Speaker 1: let's jump, let's go off. You know, it's not the
Speaker 1: Golden Gate bridge. Let's just drive off the bridge. That's
Speaker 1: I think that's that's not it's reconnecting with those those
Speaker 1: times in your life when you were still when you're
Speaker 1: in love. Yeah, because you can't replace history, you can't,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. If you have a great
Speaker 1: history with somebody, that's essentially becomes part of your DNA
Speaker 1: with each other and some element of your relationship, right,
Speaker 1: so that you know, and there's validation there and there's
Speaker 1: comfort there. And like you're like what you were saying
Speaker 1: to meet you about about having that that person you
Speaker 1: can trust, Well, that can really possibly happen over time,
Speaker 1: right where you have that that person you can trust
Speaker 1: to that degree, right, And I feel like, excuse me,
Speaker 1: I don't want to do a disservice here. I said
Speaker 1: what what intimacy is and what I think it is
Speaker 1: and what it is in my relationship, But after Ricky
Speaker 1: started answering, I think I need to make it clear
Speaker 1: that I'm saying that. But it's very it's extremely challenging.
Speaker 1: You're right, is I'm not saying by any means that
Speaker 1: I have this figured out and we do this every
Speaker 1: day and this is what we do and everything. You know,
Speaker 1: there are there are days where, especially we have four kids,
Speaker 1: there are days where it's just like four weeks weeks
Speaker 1: on end where it's just like you're just running around
Speaker 1: and you don't have that moment. And I think back
Speaker 1: to what you were saying. My wife's and my first
Speaker 1: official date, we went to Toys r US because I
Speaker 1: had to buy something from my niece and we went
Speaker 1: and we ended up playing four Square in the store,
Speaker 1: knocked over display, got kicked out, it's like stuff like
Speaker 1: so it was fun. But yeah, obviously nowadays you don't
Speaker 1: have we don't have that type of thing. So you're right.
Speaker 1: I think you said it very well that you can't.
Speaker 1: When you say you can't repeat history places place history,
Speaker 1: so it's it's there. We can't replace it, and you
Speaker 1: can't necessarily we created either. So you can't just rely
Speaker 1: on figure it out. You can't just rely on the
Speaker 1: history that you have with somebody that we've been intimate
Speaker 1: in the past. And that's enough. Yeah, that's the thing
Speaker 1: kind of you know, we we had done another one
Speaker 1: of the last things we we we did one of
Speaker 1: the last episodes we did. We one of the last
Speaker 1: episodes we did. We we spoke about um, you're speaking
Speaker 1: about health, you know, your physical health and saying things like, um, well,
Speaker 1: when you're getting older, you're not going to get back
Speaker 1: that eighteen year old physical self. You're gonna get that
Speaker 1: twenty three year old self whatever that was in your prime.
Speaker 1: But and so is there no In some ways I
Speaker 1: think there's danger in applying applying well, I remember what
Speaker 1: we were because you're not going to get that back, right,
Speaker 1: I mean, is it is it dark for me to
Speaker 1: say that doesn't come back? But you remember that there
Speaker 1: were those certain um that those natural uh sort of
Speaker 1: connections that you had, and those are a reflection of
Speaker 1: who you would become ultimately because you click so so
Speaker 1: so quickly at a certain time in your life, and
Speaker 1: therefore there's an element of that that you perhaps will
Speaker 1: grow together in a certain a certain that's not dark.
Speaker 1: I think that's realistic. I mean, you know you don't
Speaker 1: you don't have those like you said, you don't have
Speaker 1: those things in the past to carry you through all
Speaker 1: the way. You have to constantly find new things and
Speaker 1: reinvent them. Life is not the way it was when
Speaker 1: when we were twenty six, and so it's like with
Speaker 1: no kids and no care freeze. So yeah, it's it's
Speaker 1: not dark. It's realistic. But you still have those great
Speaker 1: memories to tempt into to remind you of, Okay, this
Speaker 1: is these are the things that made me fall in
Speaker 1: love to begin with. And essentially do you do you
Speaker 1: do need to remind yourself about about those magical first
Speaker 1: times or whatever? Right, so hold on, So because nobody
Speaker 1: said it yet, So I want to bring it up sex.
Speaker 1: I was just about to So sex and toys are
Speaker 1: us because there's yeah, there's uh, there's jumping off bridge,
Speaker 1: there's these kinds of things. But what about sex and intimacy?
Speaker 1: Because when I when when we talked about doing a
Speaker 1: show about intimacy, my first thought process. Honestly, I went
Speaker 1: home and I started thinking about what is intimacy. The
Speaker 1: first thing that came to mind for me was sex,
Speaker 1: and I started thinking about what sex is, but how
Speaker 1: is intimacy present insects? And then my wife came home
Speaker 1: and I asked my wife. I was like, baby, we're
Speaker 1: gonna do this discussion on the podcast about what is
Speaker 1: intimacy and what do you think intimacy is? And she goes, well,
Speaker 1: let me ask you what do you think intimacy is?
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh my god, I thought of it.
Speaker 1: And I was like, I my first thought process when
Speaker 1: I said what is intimacy? I thought that I thought
Speaker 1: of sex, and that when my partner, when my wife,
Speaker 1: when her needs during sex during intercourse are as important
Speaker 1: as mine, that's intimacy. That's what came to my brain,
Speaker 1: which is why I'm so glad my wife is here
Speaker 1: because she is a way better explanation of what intimacy is,
Speaker 1: which we'll get to in a second. But my first
Speaker 1: thought of when I thought of intimacy was sex. Does
Speaker 1: anybody else not feel that way? Like it sounds like
Speaker 1: you guys think of connection. I think it's both to
Speaker 1: be honest, and I'm not trying to just paint a
Speaker 1: nice picture here, but it there's definitely the connection side
Speaker 1: of it. There's going out to dinner, there's going on
Speaker 1: romantic walks or whatever that is whenever there is time
Speaker 1: for that. But recently, we last year and then this summer,
Speaker 1: my kids have been going to camp up in Seattle,
Speaker 1: and so for four weeks, I mean, that's a long
Speaker 1: time to then reconnect a it's a long time because
Speaker 1: you're reconnecting, you're kind of like, wait, how do we
Speaker 1: do this again? Right? How do we reconnect again? And
Speaker 1: then it's like, okay, in my mind, it's how many
Speaker 1: times do we have? Like I played this game where
Speaker 1: they're the very first day we dropped the kids off,
Speaker 1: we got back to the hotel, like, how many times
Speaker 1: are we going to have sex today? You know, like today,
Speaker 1: like I'm going to keep score, we have how many
Speaker 1: was it? And if it was more than four, have
Speaker 1: the name of the camp. This is the best part.
Speaker 1: So the first day it was too and so I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm going to keep track like a baseball you know,
Speaker 1: like my batting at what's my batting average here? And
Speaker 1: this is gonna sound bad, but like I was four
Speaker 1: for twenty four it was horrible. I was. I was
Speaker 1: four for four of the first three days, and then
Speaker 1: afterwards it was like, Okay, that's sorry. That's where baseball
Speaker 1: there's a sacrifice of chicken something like that. I like
Speaker 1: to try something after um. But yeah, I do think
Speaker 1: sex is a definite part of it. And and like
Speaker 1: you're saying, I think during sex that's that's another very
Speaker 1: key aspect to it of while you're having sex, that
Speaker 1: is the almost intimate time, not saying it's it's just
Speaker 1: intimate defines intimate see itself. Well, I keep asking what
Speaker 1: comes first to you men, intimacy or sex ahead. I
Speaker 1: think sex comes first because if you're talking intimacy the
Speaker 1: way we've been describing it, then you're talking about love
Speaker 1: and a deep relationship. So you're not going to constantly
Speaker 1: have That's why people say, oh they're one person fee
Speaker 1: as there a soul mate. But you're not going to
Speaker 1: constantly have deep intimacy with with people every time you
Speaker 1: meet them. So the chances are you're going to have
Speaker 1: sex and sexual relations or physical stuff first before you
Speaker 1: find that person where that intimacy is the deepest so
Speaker 1: Amy's shaking her head, She's like wanting to probably punch you.
Speaker 1: I think for women, you want to have sex with
Speaker 1: someone you're intimate with. So here's my take on it.
Speaker 1: I think initially, so when you meet somebody new, I
Speaker 1: think initially there's an attraction. You see somebody in your
Speaker 1: you're physically. This is how it works for me. I'm
Speaker 1: physically attracted to them, and I'm also mentally attracted to them.
Speaker 1: There's something about them that stimulates me mentally. So there's
Speaker 1: that attraction. Then sex comes. And then as you figure
Speaker 1: this person out and and be around this, surround yourself
Speaker 1: with this person to explore this person more, then you
Speaker 1: start to develop. For me, I start to develop intimacy,
Speaker 1: more trust, We have deeper conversations, and really start to
Speaker 1: explore one another as a person. That's how it works
Speaker 1: for me. Doesn't mean it's right, they're wrong, but that's
Speaker 1: how it works for me. Uh. For me, Um, it
Speaker 1: was more when I was a kid, it was more
Speaker 1: just like, wow, that looks nice. I want that now, right,
Speaker 1: And then you know, as you became more of an adult,
Speaker 1: you were it was less about what your eyes saw
Speaker 1: and more what you saw in their eyes right, and
Speaker 1: then we need we need some sort of like golden
Speaker 1: like thing like like that was so well put by
Speaker 1: thanks man. So like you know when you're when you're
Speaker 1: like to meet, you give me some lines and and
Speaker 1: so you know when you're when you're having that that
Speaker 1: whatever that conversation maybe or whatever, that interaction maybe with somebody,
Speaker 1: doesn't matter where it is, it could be in public
Speaker 1: or not. You're not really looking at their you're not
Speaker 1: looking at them, you're seeing what's going on inside them,
Speaker 1: right and um, and an essence that that triggers sexuality part,
Speaker 1: the intimacy intimacy part, because you're you're looking for something
Speaker 1: that is so far, so far beyond what the physical
Speaker 1: is that that the sexuality can't can't even possibly match
Speaker 1: what that connection is, you know what I mean. And
Speaker 1: so and so if if you're if you're making love
Speaker 1: with somebody just for their body, then you're not actually
Speaker 1: you're not actually making love, you know what I mean. So,
Speaker 1: so the connection has to be so deep and and
Speaker 1: and so severe that that it's it's like sex without
Speaker 1: even touching them. Very well said okay, so on that point,
Speaker 1: what do you have me? Just before we go to break.
Speaker 1: You can be intimate with someone that you're not having
Speaker 1: sex with. Women can be intimate with each other in
Speaker 1: a non sexual way. Correct. Okay, So I love this discussion,
Speaker 1: and we're lucky my wife is here, she's standing by.
Speaker 1: My wife is here, and so we're gonna get her
Speaker 1: take on what intimacy is right after this break. This
Speaker 1: is how men think. And I'm Brooks like, and we
Speaker 1: have Ryan back in with us now, Ryan joins us.
Speaker 1: Good to have you, buddy. And then also we have
Speaker 1: an esteemed very special guest today, Yes we have. She
Speaker 1: is a dancer, an actress, a singer, songwriter, an entrepreneur, businesswoman.
Speaker 1: Can you continue? And she is the love of my life.
Speaker 1: My beautiful wife, Julianne Houff is here to really give us,
Speaker 1: to really give us the definition of intimacy, no pressure. Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: thank you. This needs a world to me that you're on.
Speaker 1: I appreciate you coming on. Thank you so much. Of course. Well,
Speaker 1: it's nice to be in the room where you've been
Speaker 1: coming and hanging out with all these dudes. I love it.
Speaker 1: You need it. By the way, you know, since we've
Speaker 1: been married, he's just been surrounded by women. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: he used to be in a locker room with all dudes,
Speaker 1: and now I can't escape women. So this is my
Speaker 1: life when I was single, surrounded by dudes, My entire life.
Speaker 1: Locker room. Will help you if we wore jerseys at
Speaker 1: the show. All of a sudden I got married, got married,
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden there was women all around
Speaker 1: our house, and I was one dude and ten girls around.
Speaker 1: So it didn't work that that. However that worked out,
Speaker 1: was backwards. But that's why this topic is intimacy, Yeah,
Speaker 1: very much so. The other night when I asked you,
Speaker 1: I asked my wife, um, what is intimacy? And then
Speaker 1: she turned it back on me and she asked me.
Speaker 1: My description, which I mentioned to everybody else in my
Speaker 1: first thought process, was sex and about making the other
Speaker 1: person's needs as important as mine. And then I asked
Speaker 1: her because I look up to you for so many
Speaker 1: things in our relationship and learned so much of the
Speaker 1: stuff that makes me appear smart on this show from you.
Speaker 1: Thank you for that. But I learned so much from
Speaker 1: you in our relationship, and you the way you described
Speaker 1: intimacy was so beautiful that I immediately asked you would
Speaker 1: you come on the show and share that because everybody
Speaker 1: needs to hear it. And I text Amy. You said, yes.
Speaker 1: I text Amy said, Julianne has to come on the
Speaker 1: show to explain intimacy. But the way you explained it,
Speaker 1: I was able to receive, and it wasn't. It wasn't
Speaker 1: a woman telling a man. This is what intimacy is
Speaker 1: supposed to be. Can you please just rephrase what you
Speaker 1: said the other night to me in the kitchen, I said, Um,
Speaker 1: when I think of the word intimacy, I have to
Speaker 1: stand up because I have to get connected you to
Speaker 1: my female rootedness. I'm so nervous right now. No, don't, no, please,
Speaker 1: don't be Honestly, when I think of the word intimacy,
Speaker 1: I told you, I think it's one of the most
Speaker 1: sacred things that you can have between um, between a partnership.
Speaker 1: I think it's what separates friendship and lovers. And I
Speaker 1: think that most people do think about sex when they
Speaker 1: think of intimacy. But when I think of intimacy, I
Speaker 1: think of presence. I think of absolute, complete, a nutter
Speaker 1: connection when we are two people connecting and then we
Speaker 1: actually become like one person. And I think that that's
Speaker 1: what really differentiates you know, friendships. Um. You were even
Speaker 1: saying earlier Amy about you can have intimacy with your friendships. Um,
Speaker 1: and that's beautiful. But there's something that's really special that
Speaker 1: happens when two lovers come together and there's an intimate
Speaker 1: connection and you're not having sex, But then when you
Speaker 1: can actually combine the two, it's it's magic. And that's
Speaker 1: where I think in a lot of relationships, I think
Speaker 1: we missed that. I think we're on the phone a lot,
Speaker 1: and that five minutes that I come home and I'm
Speaker 1: on my phone and I don't give you presents or
Speaker 1: you don't give me presents, it sets the tone for
Speaker 1: the rest of the evening. And so I think, like
Speaker 1: the most sacred thing that we can have is intimacy,
Speaker 1: and I think just figuring out what that meaning is
Speaker 1: to you, And I think everybody's definition of intimacy is different,
Speaker 1: and it's just figuring out what it means to you.
Speaker 1: And I think searching for that and actually being curious
Speaker 1: what intimacy means to you because it's going to be different.
Speaker 1: I think when we first started speaking, your you immediately
Speaker 1: went to sex, and that might be the way that
Speaker 1: you experience intimacy. For me, I experience it by eye
Speaker 1: contact and presence and almost silence. So I think we're
Speaker 1: all bio individual people. I think we have to figure
Speaker 1: out what it means exactly to us. And when you
Speaker 1: have a partner that is willing to learn what is
Speaker 1: best for you and your needs, um, I think that's
Speaker 1: that's when intimacy comes in. So, which by the way,
Speaker 1: is basically what I said, except I didn't stand up.
Speaker 1: That's probably yeah. So on that very well said law
Speaker 1: on a command exception, on that point, you are exceptional
Speaker 1: at coming in the house and coming give me a
Speaker 1: great big kiss, and we connect right away. Our dogs
Speaker 1: are at our feet barking, and but we connect right away.
Speaker 1: And then you are also amazing in our relationship at
Speaker 1: ensuring that intimacy stays present, at communicating from your standpoint,
Speaker 1: that's when you have courage and bravery. And I think
Speaker 1: some of our listeners might want intimacy but can't voice it,
Speaker 1: or don't think they can bring it up with their partner,
Speaker 1: or don't know how. And I think that's the hardest part.
Speaker 1: Is just like a lot of people just don't know
Speaker 1: even what they want. And so I found my curiosity
Speaker 1: has saved my life, I think, um and honestly saved
Speaker 1: our relationship many times because we've we've been curious about, like, hey,
Speaker 1: something doesn't feel right, like, instead of just accepting it
Speaker 1: for how it is, let's let's look into something. And
Speaker 1: so what did I do? I like, came home one
Speaker 1: day and I was like, Babe, I saw this website.
Speaker 1: It's called Jaya, and they have these intimate erotic blueprints
Speaker 1: and we need to do our test to see what
Speaker 1: our test is and how we're compatible. And so to me,
Speaker 1: of course at the beginning, it was like what, I
Speaker 1: don't know what I want to do. I'm a shape shifter.
Speaker 1: I'm like, great, I don't know what is that? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm shape shifterw Um, Okay, well we could all take
Speaker 1: it if you like. So so Jaya So she she
Speaker 1: is a sex therapist, and her and her partner have
Speaker 1: been together for a really long time, and and being
Speaker 1: a sex therapist, that's a lot of pressure to have
Speaker 1: like a total connection with your partner. And I mean,
Speaker 1: she she'll be able to tell the story way better.
Speaker 1: But um, she basically her and her partner were not
Speaker 1: doing well after about ten eleven years, and so she
Speaker 1: was like, oh my goodness, what do we do? So
Speaker 1: she ended up figuring out this whole test, in this
Speaker 1: whole method. So when we took the test, I realized
Speaker 1: that there were certain things that gave me connection and
Speaker 1: intimacy that were different than what gave Brooks connection and intimacy.
Speaker 1: And so by almost learning each other's language sort of
Speaker 1: like love languages. You guys have heard of that before?
Speaker 1: It was it was it was almost like a menu
Speaker 1: of how we could please each other sexually but also intimately,
Speaker 1: how I describe intimacy. You haven't just perked up when
Speaker 1: you said like a sexual menu. He was like, huh,
Speaker 1: the menu part that got me excited? Feeding us right,
Speaker 1: everything is about feeding our souls, reading our needs, all
Speaker 1: of it. So did you the next time after you
Speaker 1: took that test, did you have in your head when
Speaker 1: you were intimate the first time after a checklist of
Speaker 1: source that you're saying like, Okay, Julian's number one thing
Speaker 1: is X, got to do that first, then I'm gonna
Speaker 1: segue into number two. Moved down the list though, But
Speaker 1: what what happens is you do get educated. So I
Speaker 1: think a lot of times whether it's in a even
Speaker 1: just in a relationship, in intimacy, or in sex. You
Speaker 1: give what you want, so you give the way that
Speaker 1: you want it. So if acts of service are really
Speaker 1: important to you, you'll give acts of service because you
Speaker 1: think somebody wants it. But I'm physical touch, so I
Speaker 1: want you to pick me up and throw me on
Speaker 1: the couch. That's what I want. We got, we got,
Speaker 1: But seriously though, that was my form of affection and
Speaker 1: we had to work on that. So that's all it does,
Speaker 1: is it? It It allows me to understand my wife
Speaker 1: more and what's important to her. Otherwise I'm going to
Speaker 1: try and keep giving the way I think that I'm
Speaker 1: supposed to her, maybe what she wants, but I don't
Speaker 1: understand really what she wants. And if some people are
Speaker 1: having a tough time bringing this up in their relationship,
Speaker 1: just use the use this test as a vehicle or
Speaker 1: a vessel to bring it up to open up this discussion.
Speaker 1: But no, I don't end up going with the checklist.
Speaker 1: But all of a sudden, I have these things in
Speaker 1: my mind that Okay, if I do this, or if
Speaker 1: I do this with my wife, she's going to respond
Speaker 1: amazingly and that's going to make me feel better and
Speaker 1: make our connection feel better. So but it goes both ways,
Speaker 1: and she's been very receptive to my the things that
Speaker 1: make me feel intimate or connected as well. I want
Speaker 1: the time to connect with whoever the person is that
Speaker 1: I want to be intimate with, even if it's not
Speaker 1: about sex, it's it's that connection. So how do you
Speaker 1: guys make that time to connect? Well? First of all,
Speaker 1: while you were saying that, the first thing that popped
Speaker 1: into my head was what does time even mean to you?
Speaker 1: How much time do you think you need? Or is
Speaker 1: it really about being seen? Yes? And I, oh, but
Speaker 1: I think that yeah. And I think as a woman,
Speaker 1: I think our our biggest, our biggest thing is people
Speaker 1: talk about connection, but excuse my French, but what does
Speaker 1: connection even mean? And it's like, as a woman, we
Speaker 1: just want to be seen. And so we go to
Speaker 1: dinner a lot of the time, and dinner for dinner
Speaker 1: for Brooks is great because he's getting fed, he's got
Speaker 1: you know, me there whatever it might be. But for me,
Speaker 1: dinner to me means I want eye contact. And I
Speaker 1: would really appreciate you maybe touching my hand at some
Speaker 1: point and we could sit probably for five minutes and
Speaker 1: just stare at each other, and honestly, it's uncomfortable for
Speaker 1: a minute, but that presence is actually the thing I
Speaker 1: think you're craving. Is um lifting a dumbbell with his
Speaker 1: other hand. I think you would if you could, like
Speaker 1: if I allowed it up now. But I think I
Speaker 1: think that's what Honestly, if if women are listening to
Speaker 1: this right now, connection is the word that we go to,
Speaker 1: but I think really it's that we just we want
Speaker 1: to be seen, we want we want to take down
Speaker 1: our guard we want to let down our barriers. We
Speaker 1: want to be naked for those of you because obviously
Speaker 1: we're there's no cameras. For those of you who didn't see,
Speaker 1: Juliette said something quite beautiful and and and touching and
Speaker 1: um for those of you couldn't see, both Amy and
Speaker 1: Ryan started crying, still looking for a menu. I was
Speaker 1: actually busy Uber eats just now. But I'm curious by
Speaker 1: the way as a woman, and I obviously know my
Speaker 1: husband really well and I'm still learning about him every day,
Speaker 1: But what what makes you guys feel intimate and silence?
Speaker 1: I mean, I yeah, I think it's that same thing
Speaker 1: of connecting and and being when you walk into the house,
Speaker 1: whether you have three kids or twelve kids, or you're
Speaker 1: gone all day or whatever, it's it's putting down that
Speaker 1: phone or it's having the phone in your pocket, but
Speaker 1: but connecting, Hey, how honey, how are you today? Or
Speaker 1: how is your day? How's work or whatever? And and
Speaker 1: being able to and I've been married for fifteen years,
Speaker 1: it's it's being able to for me to like open
Speaker 1: up to that person, you know, and if they're making
Speaker 1: dinner and if they've got their phone in their hand
Speaker 1: and they're returning a work email or whatever. But it's
Speaker 1: it's that listening point of the day, you know, whether
Speaker 1: it has to be completely silent and you're sitting on
Speaker 1: the couch staring at at somebody in my shoes, that's
Speaker 1: not what that That is not where life is at all.
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that's about what I need. But um,
Speaker 1: it's about having that connection, being able to open up
Speaker 1: about that, you know. Like when I got home from
Speaker 1: from uh the show why you know, we talked to
Speaker 1: each other and it was she was like, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm just so happy that you're doing this, you know,
Speaker 1: and it's something different for you and and I like,
Speaker 1: to me, I honestly haven't had those kind and to me,
Speaker 1: that was an intimate conversation, you know, and it was like, Wow,
Speaker 1: I'm really, I'm actually she's spending a time to like
Speaker 1: compliment me on something that. Yeah, it acknowledgement. It's acknowledgement,
Speaker 1: you're right, and you know, and I was. I took
Speaker 1: it in and I wasn't like, oh, don't worry about
Speaker 1: it now. We got we went out and had beers after,
Speaker 1: you know, it was I was like, you know what,
Speaker 1: thank you, Like I really appreciate that, like I needed that,
Speaker 1: you know, or or whatever that was. And to me,
Speaker 1: that's what that intimacy or that connection is so beautifully,
Speaker 1: so beautiful love that I'll say, I do agree with that.
Speaker 1: And I'm gonna share a story which I probably never
Speaker 1: told anyone, but maybe a couple of years ago. I
Speaker 1: was on a I was away for a week for
Speaker 1: work and when I came home, I came home in
Speaker 1: the middle of the day and the kids were in
Speaker 1: school and my wife was there and I walked in
Speaker 1: and I was like, and you know, it had been
Speaker 1: a full week. Basically I was out of the state
Speaker 1: and I came home and I was like hey, and
Speaker 1: she's like, hey, I'm in here. And I walked in
Speaker 1: the other room and she was basically sitting at the computer.
Speaker 1: And it's not a big deal, but all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: for some reason, I was I felt somewhat devastated, like
Speaker 1: I didn't get up from the computer, didn't come in
Speaker 1: and give me a hug. It was like I had
Speaker 1: been gone for an hour. And I thought, and I
Speaker 1: didn't blame her for that, but I thought to myself,
Speaker 1: I gotta change this, like this is this is probably
Speaker 1: there's definitely stuff that I can do in this that
Speaker 1: can I can be more attentive, I can be a
Speaker 1: better partner in this relationship where it's like and there
Speaker 1: was nothing seriously wrong, but that moment just kind of
Speaker 1: spooked me for a minute where I was like, that's
Speaker 1: not what I want and that's and I know that's
Speaker 1: not what she wants, So I have to make sure
Speaker 1: that this doesn't go in that direction. So I've made
Speaker 1: a conscious effort to be better about stuff like that.
Speaker 1: And I do try and give we do try. And
Speaker 1: you know, I'm Greek, so I think and I'm a
Speaker 1: very you know, I'm you know I come from Thank
Speaker 1: you very much, special menus for you. So my I
Speaker 1: come from a family of like you know, you hug
Speaker 1: when you leave the house, you hug when you come home,
Speaker 1: and so that's where I come from. And it's like,
Speaker 1: so I've been. I made it a conscious effort after
Speaker 1: that to try and make sure that that doesn't disappear.
Speaker 1: That's awesome, right, you know, Julian, you spoke a little
Speaker 1: bit to it in terms of being present, and you
Speaker 1: know we've all kind of touched upon it. But when
Speaker 1: I get home now more than ever, it is so
Speaker 1: easy for us to get home having not seen each
Speaker 1: other for an entire day, and to feel compelled to
Speaker 1: pick up your phone and to look at your email
Speaker 1: or to be on Instagram. And I genuinely get home
Speaker 1: and I look forward to being able to sit down
Speaker 1: with my wife, and we have an hour before we
Speaker 1: put our son down, but I can catch up with
Speaker 1: her and talk about our day and talk about anything
Speaker 1: without TV, without music, without our phones out, and not
Speaker 1: feel bored whatsoever. And really genuinely look forward to getting homing,
Speaker 1: to having that very all an honest conversation just about
Speaker 1: our day. And I have plenty of friends who are
Speaker 1: baffled by that and think it's like, it's bizarre. We've
Speaker 1: been married for five years, we've been we've known each
Speaker 1: other for ten that we could have enough to talk
Speaker 1: about for that long and to not want to go
Speaker 1: do things with other people. But I'm like, we'll go
Speaker 1: out to dinner just together, and we'd rather do that,
Speaker 1: quite honestly, then go with a big group because we
Speaker 1: have enough to talk about to night. I have always
Speaker 1: valued that in my wife, and it's partly why I
Speaker 1: wanted to marry her is that she always we always
Speaker 1: have something to talk about. It's always interesting, there's never
Speaker 1: a dull moment, and that to me, you know, is
Speaker 1: more important than anything I think. GeV, how about you, buddy,
Speaker 1: I'm a single guy. Um the uh. As far as
Speaker 1: these types of things go, I think all of its valid.
Speaker 1: I'm learning from everybody in the room. UM. I think
Speaker 1: finding somebody who you who you have enough in common with,
Speaker 1: maybe more in common with them, then you can find
Speaker 1: in most people, and at the same time is balancing
Speaker 1: out with being able to challenge you as well. It's
Speaker 1: a hard scene to find, um, because you want to
Speaker 1: be in so much agreement at all times. But also
Speaker 1: you want someone who is is also challenging you, not
Speaker 1: not necessarily in an adversarial way, but someone who is saying,
Speaker 1: you know, maybe you should try this, maybe you should
Speaker 1: try that, maybe should cut your hair shorter, and uh
Speaker 1: type thing. Sorry inside jokes, guys, UM, but you know,
Speaker 1: these are the types of things you kind of look for, Uh,
Speaker 1: someone who is who is encouraging you but challenging you
Speaker 1: to be at your very at your very best. Uh.
Speaker 1: These are the types of things. I don't know if
Speaker 1: it's the same for all people or all men or whatever,
Speaker 1: but I like when people sort of challenge me to
Speaker 1: uh be better at something whatever that might might be. UM.
Speaker 1: And so I don't really I don't respond well to complacency.
Speaker 1: I respond much better to challenges. UM. And I need
Speaker 1: goals otherwise I, you know, I'll just kind of go
Speaker 1: into my own personal the cave in my mind. Do
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying? Um? But I also need encouragement.
Speaker 1: I need I need to hear those you're doing a
Speaker 1: great job, but like what you did? What have you
Speaker 1: considered doing this other thing? And those are those are
Speaker 1: the ways I find connections. Connections with people. I have
Speaker 1: an ego like everybody else, and it needs to be fed,
Speaker 1: but it also needs to be challenged. That's a good point, Kevin,
Speaker 1: and I think to kind of counteract that, I also
Speaker 1: feel like intimacy is somebody that's accepting of who you are,
Speaker 1: you know, like just because you didn't get that job,
Speaker 1: or you didn't become the best whatever person in the
Speaker 1: world or whatever there that person, and it goes both ways.
Speaker 1: Obviously accepting of who you are, you know, and that's
Speaker 1: I think the most important thing. I have thousand percent
Speaker 1: agree with you because I would say Brooks and I
Speaker 1: are really different people. We have the same values and
Speaker 1: you know, end goal of where we want our lives
Speaker 1: to be, but how we get there is very different.
Speaker 1: And when you know, I can have chemistry with a wall,
Speaker 1: like that's just honestly, that's just that's just me. Like
Speaker 1: I am a very external person, I am kinesthetic, I
Speaker 1: have great energy, like I am a fluid person, Like
Speaker 1: I'm attracted to all like that is just my nature.
Speaker 1: And so for me, kind of what you were saying before, Gavin,
Speaker 1: is that like I can have chemistry and connection, but
Speaker 1: my intimacy is with Brooks because he challenges me and
Speaker 1: he sees me for exactly who I am and accepts
Speaker 1: me for the fact that I can have chemistry and
Speaker 1: connection with a lot of people, but I choose him
Speaker 1: every day, and I think that is also really sacred,
Speaker 1: and that's why we have an intimate relationship, and I
Speaker 1: don't have that kind of intimacy with a lot of
Speaker 1: connections that I make throughout my life. Beautiful, We're gonna
Speaker 1: take a break. We'll get more to this right after
Speaker 1: the break. We've talked a lot about creating intimacy and
Speaker 1: how to keep it in your relationship, but let's talk
Speaker 1: about some things that maybe stifle intimacy. So as much
Speaker 1: as creating it is important, I think doing not doing
Speaker 1: things that prevent intimacy is equally as important. So in
Speaker 1: our relationship, love, please share some of the things that
Speaker 1: I have done, or maybe that men do to stifle
Speaker 1: intimacy from a woman's standpoint, where we might not even
Speaker 1: be aware that we're doing it, but it might mean
Speaker 1: the world to you, guys, or it might really offend
Speaker 1: you guys. Or what is something in our relationship that
Speaker 1: I've done that has stifled intimacy? Mm hmm. Interesting? Question. Um, Honestly,
Speaker 1: I think it goes back to what you guys were
Speaker 1: saying earlier about acknowledgement and you know, sometimes finishing dinner
Speaker 1: and going and sitting on the couch and putting the
Speaker 1: laptop on the lap and putting a show on and
Speaker 1: multiple distractions. I think is is good. We need balance obviously,
Speaker 1: but that definitely stifles you know, feeling intimate and connected. Um,
Speaker 1: definitely doesn't make me want to be like, hey, let
Speaker 1: me go put something sexy on. You know, for sure
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh where my sweatpants? Let me get cozy? Yea.
Speaker 1: But but I think I think something that makes me
Speaker 1: feel super attracted and makes me then connect to myself
Speaker 1: because I think that's the biggest thing is it's not
Speaker 1: so much what you're doing, it's more how it's making
Speaker 1: me react. So whatever you're doing makes me then be like, Okay,
Speaker 1: well I don't feel sexy, or I'm now wanting to
Speaker 1: get cozy, or I'm now feeling unseen so I don't
Speaker 1: want to look at you. Does that make sense? So yeah,
Speaker 1: so I think so I think it's more in um,
Speaker 1: how it's making me feel. And so you know, if
Speaker 1: if I feel that you you're super engaged in in me.
Speaker 1: Then I'm like, oh, I'm about to drop in into
Speaker 1: my female power and like give give you what I
Speaker 1: want to give you. And yeah, so I'm going around
Speaker 1: with circles. Can touch one thing? Yeah, you tell me
Speaker 1: what one thing I do, because I know certain things
Speaker 1: that I do that don't turn you on. Yeah, there's
Speaker 1: there's one like one thing that um because we've we've
Speaker 1: said that the bedroom is a no cell phone zone.
Speaker 1: And sometimes if you come to bed and then I
Speaker 1: and you're like, you're like, okay, once I and you're
Speaker 1: like sending an email or you're checking on Instagram or something,
Speaker 1: and you're like and then sometimes you said okay, I'm done,
Speaker 1: and you plug in your phone and then you roll
Speaker 1: over to me. I'm like, okay, well I just waited
Speaker 1: for my wife. I'm second in line to her phone
Speaker 1: or what she's sending. And this is at nine ten
Speaker 1: o'clock at night like this, so even at this time,
Speaker 1: that's more priority than me. And and I really take
Speaker 1: that deeply, like that's a deep cut for me. And
Speaker 1: we've worked on that and I've voiced that, and nobody's perfect.
Speaker 1: I'll sometimes come to my bed and be on my
Speaker 1: phone too. And I'm sure there's many other things that
Speaker 1: you didn't say that I'll do, But for me, I
Speaker 1: think phones and devices get in a way. That's one
Speaker 1: way that I do not feel seen for sure, and
Speaker 1: also are really good at making me realize that that's
Speaker 1: important to you, it's so important in our relationship, that's
Speaker 1: so important to me. That's to me, like, that's one
Speaker 1: of if you're coming into bed, which for me is
Speaker 1: a sacred place, um, and I have to wait in
Speaker 1: line for your attention. That to me just shuts all
Speaker 1: syss down. I'm like, can I go to sleep as
Speaker 1: fast as possible? I'm onto the next day already, is
Speaker 1: really what it feels to me. Is it possible she
Speaker 1: was liking one of your Instagram videos? Probably not, because
Speaker 1: sometimes I skip over. Is there anything like that that
Speaker 1: I do that like that one for me is really severe, guys, honestly, Like, yeah,
Speaker 1: And I'm sure a lot of other couples will get
Speaker 1: to bed. I've even thought about like plugging my phone
Speaker 1: in the bathroom so that it's not I can't even
Speaker 1: have my phone in the bedroom, And I know people
Speaker 1: out there do that. They don't allow their phone in
Speaker 1: the bedroom, and I think over time this can become
Speaker 1: a serious issue, and it can drive a wedge between people,
Speaker 1: and then there really is no intimacy or sex and
Speaker 1: it's like check in to go to bed, like okay,
Speaker 1: go bad, let's go you know anybody else. No, I
Speaker 1: was just gonna add to that. I think the phone
Speaker 1: thing is a big deal. I I do though. My
Speaker 1: wife does real estate and so her hours of work
Speaker 1: are obviously the daytime, but a lot of times when
Speaker 1: people are at home, you know, when when people are
Speaker 1: emailing her or texting her clients for say or other
Speaker 1: it's a deal going down or whatnot, like that happens
Speaker 1: after five pm, you know, even until ten o'clock, eleven o'clock,
Speaker 1: you know, And so it is a very challenging thing.
Speaker 1: What I was going to add to that was, we
Speaker 1: just got an email from a listener named Gavin DeGraw.
Speaker 1: I was asking about what is intimacy. But one more
Speaker 1: last thing I wanted to add was that something I
Speaker 1: do a lot, but I think could be a negative
Speaker 1: side to carrying the intimacy is carrying the load, you know,
Speaker 1: or not carrying the load. Like there are days where
Speaker 1: I come home and I'm like, I just popped myself
Speaker 1: on the couch and I'm like, forget this, I'm going
Speaker 1: to watch the basketball game or whatever. And I'll I'm
Speaker 1: not doing it on purpose, but I'm I'm not doing
Speaker 1: I'm not getting the dinner a ready, I'm not getting
Speaker 1: the kids cleaned. I'm not you know, engaging in in her.
Speaker 1: And that has happened the opposite way, But that's a
Speaker 1: huge turn off. Do you ever do you ever say
Speaker 1: that when you come home and you're like, hey, today
Speaker 1: has been a day. I am really sorry, but I
Speaker 1: have to sit on the couch. I can't make dinner tonight.
Speaker 1: I'm really like, I would love to lean on you
Speaker 1: to do this tonight, and I promise you like I
Speaker 1: got you next time, because I think like that if
Speaker 1: you you've done that to me many times. Books has
Speaker 1: done that to me many times. And I'm like, oh wow,
Speaker 1: that was important for him to tell me that, and
Speaker 1: it made me feel seen because at least he acknowledged
Speaker 1: that she can't help me, and you've done it to
Speaker 1: me to know that now I can almost see it.
Speaker 1: When you walk in the door, I'm like, okay, I
Speaker 1: get your bottle, Get you get the girls on you
Speaker 1: like when you have children and they are doing multiple
Speaker 1: things at multiple times year around. You know. That is
Speaker 1: where it's like we are, like I said earlier, we're
Speaker 1: at different ends on the weekends in different cities doing baseball, soccer,
Speaker 1: whatever that may be. And it's kind of like we'll
Speaker 1: circle back at home and I'll be like, wait, did
Speaker 1: you not get a chance to go to the store today,
Speaker 1: you know, or like she'll be like, wait, you didn't
Speaker 1: pick up the dry cleaning? You know, Like that's it's
Speaker 1: it's so hectic and crazy that it is a very
Speaker 1: hard time. And I think to my point was like
Speaker 1: you know, balancing that load or not doing that and
Speaker 1: and and to me maybe that is an intimate thing.
Speaker 1: It was where you're both carrying each other down that path,
Speaker 1: and I think that's important in any relationship life. Dmitri
Speaker 1: was telling me where to go on the way over here,
Speaker 1: give me directions. That helped our relationship a lot. I
Speaker 1: feel a lot closer to you to right. So what else,
Speaker 1: like love, what else can guys do from a woman's
Speaker 1: standpoint to make the woman feel seen to to bridge
Speaker 1: that connection of intimacy? What can we do that's maybe
Speaker 1: not twelve roses. Um, I'm sure that helps, But what
Speaker 1: little things can we do on a daily basis to interests?
Speaker 1: I think, you know, like we don't have all the
Speaker 1: same interests, and sometimes it's okay to have our separate things,
Speaker 1: but sometimes I'm like, oh, you know, you don't really
Speaker 1: know my life because and I don't really know your
Speaker 1: life because we have separate interests. I think something that
Speaker 1: would be really helpful is finding something that you that
Speaker 1: you want to learn about each other. So like I
Speaker 1: I should probably come and do some CrossFit just you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Just because I feel like I've
Speaker 1: done a couple. But I think it's more because I
Speaker 1: want to relate to him. I wanna, you know, I
Speaker 1: want to when he does talk to me about his CrossFit,
Speaker 1: I'm not like, oh my gosh, I can't hear another
Speaker 1: one of those am wraps or whatever it's called. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like, I want to engage and
Speaker 1: in his interests. So so I think if there is
Speaker 1: something that you don't know anything about their life, maybe
Speaker 1: like be curious and like try to try to engage
Speaker 1: in what they like. And for you, I've asked you
Speaker 1: to come and do like soul cycle with me or
Speaker 1: or core power yoga, or come to the spot. You've
Speaker 1: never been a spot person, but you're like, okay, it's
Speaker 1: import into her. I'll do it, you know, And and
Speaker 1: that way, at least we can have a conversation that
Speaker 1: I feel self expressed and I can get excited and
Speaker 1: I can talk, and then he's there and he's like
Speaker 1: engaged and not like what in the hell is she talking?
Speaker 1: But honestly, for guys, that was hard for me. At
Speaker 1: the start of our relationship. I was a sports dude
Speaker 1: coming into like an arts type lifestyle, and so she
Speaker 1: wanted to do these certain things and I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: like no, I have no INSes, and I was I
Speaker 1: was pretty blunt. I was like no, I just answered selfishly,
Speaker 1: I don't want to do that, And but it didn't
Speaker 1: register like this is and this is what Like somebody
Speaker 1: that's freshly in a in a new relationship or something
Speaker 1: not in one, you're gonna learn your partners. You go
Speaker 1: what matters to her needs to matter to you or
Speaker 1: what matters to him, and you learn this and and
Speaker 1: then eventually it does when I see her excitement you're
Speaker 1: you're busting to say something. What is it? Well, we
Speaker 1: always have this fight. So we do have a fight
Speaker 1: that we have gotten better, we've gotten but it would
Speaker 1: be a lot of the times I would be like, hey, babe,
Speaker 1: so there's this party. Do you want to go? No? No, no,
Speaker 1: hold on you state something. You're like, there's a party
Speaker 1: Friday night. And I'm like, great, that's it, and that's it.
Speaker 1: Like I don't know if she's asking me to go.
Speaker 1: I don't know if she wants to go, because she's not.
Speaker 1: There's a party friday night. This this is going on,
Speaker 1: like we should go? This would be so awesome. Can
Speaker 1: we go? Do you want to go with me? I'd
Speaker 1: love to. You're fired up about this. But so and
Speaker 1: sometimes I'll be like there's a party or hey, there's
Speaker 1: a movie at four fifteen? What do you do with that?
Speaker 1: As a guy? Right, do you do with that? So
Speaker 1: what I've learned is that he's like, great, give me
Speaker 1: a clear answer. If it's something that you want, then
Speaker 1: of course I'll do with you. But you're not asking
Speaker 1: me anything. You're just expecting me to know. And so
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, yeah, you're my husband, you should know
Speaker 1: number one woman think you read is convinced like how
Speaker 1: does he not know to do this? And I think
Speaker 1: that that is what makes us very different people, you know,
Speaker 1: and I think being ultra clear. So okay, I'm about
Speaker 1: to go off for a second. So talking about like
Speaker 1: male and female energy, which isn't every human gay, straight, whatever,
Speaker 1: it is, everybody has a male and a female energy.
Speaker 1: Male energy is like clear, direct to the point. Female
Speaker 1: is like open and unknown and curious and it kind
Speaker 1: of just lives out in nowhere. So sometimes when we
Speaker 1: are so connected to our female, we don't have a
Speaker 1: lot of clarity because we're we're um, we're in all
Speaker 1: of it, and so there's like a knowing that we
Speaker 1: have that's like an intuition that we just know. There's
Speaker 1: like it's kind of this thing, whereas like guys are
Speaker 1: so in their mail that they are like, we need clarity,
Speaker 1: clarity and direction. Just give me an answer. Well, that's
Speaker 1: interesting because supposedly there's a direct core direct opposite correlation
Speaker 1: there and that has to do the synapse in the
Speaker 1: brain and that women have naturally better intuition and men
Speaker 1: naturally have better sense of direction, and that's the trade off.
Speaker 1: So that's the that's actually what I was funny that
Speaker 1: you mentioned direction and you mentioned intuition. Yeah, so that's
Speaker 1: exactly that's been knowing. So so obviously in male and
Speaker 1: female we want to be able to connect both. But
Speaker 1: I'm just saying when men are very in their mail,
Speaker 1: that is what they need, and so women, I think,
Speaker 1: sometimes have to be like, Okay, how is a man thinking?
Speaker 1: Right now? Let me be very clear? Can I ask something? Yeah? Please?
Speaker 1: My friend? Okay? So, um, so I've had this scenario before. Um,
Speaker 1: you don't ask me how my day went, but I did,
Speaker 1: And here's how I ask it, what's up? How could
Speaker 1: she get that wrong? I can't believe she missed the boat?
Speaker 1: This is when you're from New York. What's up means
Speaker 1: how you doing? How is your day? See anybody we know? Today?
Speaker 1: Where we Georgie eat? How was lunch? To get dinner later?
Speaker 1: You know? We should do still that crazy next weekend?
Speaker 1: What's up me? So if you yeah, said what's up?
Speaker 1: Next time means how is your day? Next time you
Speaker 1: ask me what's up? Does that mean like hey do
Speaker 1: you wanna? Do you want to come? Hey? Man? You
Speaker 1: want on my record? Is that? Yeah? Man about how
Speaker 1: about like we want to write a record together. It's
Speaker 1: very regional. I'm gonna go it's regional. So what if
Speaker 1: what if all of a sudden you come home and
Speaker 1: as a girl there and you're like, uh, what are
Speaker 1: you doing? And she's like, well, you said what's up?
Speaker 1: So I thought that man, I'd say what clearly not
Speaker 1: reading the nuances and how I said, yeah, man in
Speaker 1: New York, but it's upstates specifically, and you can't just
Speaker 1: come over like that. Yeah, I can understand how she
Speaker 1: might not respond properly to you always say what's up?
Speaker 1: What is hard about saying how was your day? Like
Speaker 1: that's another communication as a whole another thing. What if
Speaker 1: it was hard about saying how was your day? Because
Speaker 1: it it's not what's up? And now I'm used to
Speaker 1: what's up? But you're used to what you're used to,
Speaker 1: she's used to what she's used to. If it's good
Speaker 1: each other, aren't they supposed to learn that what's up
Speaker 1: means how is your day? I think you're going to
Speaker 1: figure it out as you kind together. But but it
Speaker 1: was like, you know, you're asking, you're asking what's up?
Speaker 1: That means it just means what it means where I'm from,
Speaker 1: that means kind of borrow twenty dollars we need to break.
Speaker 1: This is how men think, and we've just asked a
Speaker 1: lot about intimacy. So I want to give you, guys,
Speaker 1: the listeners, some clear, actionable things to create intimacy in
Speaker 1: your relationship. So we'll start with you Ryan, as a man,
Speaker 1: what has your wife? Could be your partner, girlfriend, or
Speaker 1: whoever is listening, but what has your wife done to
Speaker 1: help intimacy in your relationship? She has. One of the
Speaker 1: things I really crave is initiation, that she initiate intimacy.
Speaker 1: The irony is that what she craves is that I
Speaker 1: initiate intimacy. So we're kind of at a standstill. But
Speaker 1: in the in the event that she does initiate, it
Speaker 1: is very appreciated. The other thing is my love language
Speaker 1: is compliments and gifts. I like gifts. It makes me
Speaker 1: feel loved. She jokes about it, but seriously, if she
Speaker 1: gives me a gift, I feel like a snow globe
Speaker 1: or something. Snob that that's a big gift in our household. Yeah,
Speaker 1: if he gets a snow globe, it's on, let's do
Speaker 1: this awesome Dmitri, What about you with you? What what
Speaker 1: does your wife do that creates intimacy for you? Um,
Speaker 1: I agree with the compliment. I think a nice compliment.
Speaker 1: You look good. You know that was whatever? You know, Uh,
Speaker 1: that was really funny. You know it could anything. You
Speaker 1: come back from a from a dinner with people and
Speaker 1: you're like, man, you were you were you know, you
Speaker 1: were on or you really took you know. Sometimes what
Speaker 1: I think, what I've pride myself on a lot is
Speaker 1: to be able to go in any situation. So she
Speaker 1: could take me to a work party where I know
Speaker 1: no one and she can leave me like it's I'll
Speaker 1: be fine. I'm not going to be the guy walking
Speaker 1: around annoying people. But she doesn't have to babysit me.
Speaker 1: So stuff like that, you know, when she says, hey,
Speaker 1: you know, thanks, that was you did you know? You not?
Speaker 1: You did great? Like a like a teacher some but hey,
Speaker 1: I really appreciate what you know tonight that you came
Speaker 1: and you know you got along with everybody. Stuff like that.
Speaker 1: That that means a lot to me because I think
Speaker 1: that's tough to do, and I think that's something that
Speaker 1: that you know, it's it's important to do for the
Speaker 1: person that that you love. And so when when there's
Speaker 1: an acknowledgement of hey, I know you did that for me,
Speaker 1: and I do appreciate. I think that's you know, that's
Speaker 1: was it tough to do because you don't like her friends.
Speaker 1: I like the ones that are listening right now. Rick,
Speaker 1: what about you, buddy, Not to be on the same acknowledgement,
Speaker 1: you know, train but obviously acknowledgement, you know, and whether
Speaker 1: that's you know, engaging with that person in a conversation
Speaker 1: or you know, as cheesy as it sounds, you know,
Speaker 1: Like recently and literally in the last like five to
Speaker 1: six months even longer, my wife has made our house
Speaker 1: turn into something magical, Like, you know, there's flowers in
Speaker 1: the places that I didn't even know you could stick
Speaker 1: a pencil, there's flowers, you know, and our next episode,
Speaker 1: but no, honestly, it's coming home and having those flowers,
Speaker 1: you know, it's it's there's there's life, there's presence, there's
Speaker 1: you know, in that to me makes it intimate, you know,
Speaker 1: and that is important to me, you know. For some reason,
Speaker 1: I like the countertops clean. I like having a learri
Speaker 1: bouquat of flowers. I like having you know, for some reason, right,
Speaker 1: you're sensual, that's one of your primary um love languages,
Speaker 1: but erotic languages, sensuality. You're right. And the more I
Speaker 1: get older and I kind of, you know, learn more
Speaker 1: about myself, you're dead on. So great answer, gav. If
Speaker 1: you're like meeting somebody, somebody you meet or go on
Speaker 1: a date with, Like, what's something that somebody can do
Speaker 1: to create intimacy that's going to attract you to them
Speaker 1: where you like you're pulled to them more than just
Speaker 1: a caretaker. That's what I like, you know. I mean,
Speaker 1: it's like I like the the for lack of better word,
Speaker 1: that the mom instincts thing to take care of. You know,
Speaker 1: I have natural I like to take care of somebody.
Speaker 1: So you know, I like to provide. Let me get
Speaker 1: your nice things, let me protect you, let me let
Speaker 1: me get the door, you know, let me do all
Speaker 1: the things that you find risky for you, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, those are the things I like to do.
Speaker 1: I'm very old school in that way, you know, um,
Speaker 1: and I look for I like a natural caretaker. That's
Speaker 1: what I'm attracted to. So any of those that may
Speaker 1: not sound like the you know, the most modern approach
Speaker 1: to things, but I think that's the sexiest thing in
Speaker 1: the world. So you know that's my taste period. What
Speaker 1: what things about you? I want you to go, you
Speaker 1: want me to go first. So something that I love
Speaker 1: is when you come home, you come in the door
Speaker 1: and you give me a massive kiss. Because usually I'm
Speaker 1: at home, I've been training to working out or something,
Speaker 1: and you'll you're usually out and you'll come home and
Speaker 1: you'll give me a massive kiss. I love that. That
Speaker 1: instantly connects me because we've both been doing our thing
Speaker 1: all day and separate from each other, and that instantly
Speaker 1: brings us together. And you're exceptional at that. So that's
Speaker 1: one of my favorite parts of the day. Uh, you
Speaker 1: know that. I absolutely love it. Anytime you feed me,
Speaker 1: I love it any it means. It means the world
Speaker 1: to me. When she either, like especially when you cook.
Speaker 1: My wife is an exceptional cook. She is a wizard
Speaker 1: in the kitchen. She can find anything in the kitchen,
Speaker 1: in the pantry or the fridge and whip it together
Speaker 1: and it's a new taste every single time. As they say,
Speaker 1: the way to a man's hardest through a stomach and
Speaker 1: it's true, but for me, it's true she knows when
Speaker 1: or even just like even if she postmates me, lunch
Speaker 1: means the world to me. Um. The other thing is
Speaker 1: when you put lingerie on I am, I am fired up.
Speaker 1: I love it, Like who does it? But I love it.
Speaker 1: It means you're thinking of me and you put something
Speaker 1: sexy on. It's like, look so beautiful and sexy and
Speaker 1: I'm just like, I crave you, like when you put
Speaker 1: lingerie on me. And then but then there's also another
Speaker 1: and I think you'll attest to this too. There's times
Speaker 1: where I know that you're really seeing me, and it
Speaker 1: could be just in the kitchen or something. You're looking
Speaker 1: at me differently, like right now where I see that
Speaker 1: you really see me, and I think the mean to me.
Speaker 1: I also know that when that's happening that you're in
Speaker 1: an amazing place yourself personally, and our relationship is always
Speaker 1: the best. When you're in an amazing place or I'm
Speaker 1: an amazing a place. We're then able to give our
Speaker 1: best versions to each other, like at I heart like. Um,
Speaker 1: those are some of the ways that you really create
Speaker 1: intimacy and also you're so good at it that you
Speaker 1: always drive that in our relationship. That's you have an
Speaker 1: engine to continue that and you always drive that, and
Speaker 1: it's the way I look up to you, and it's
Speaker 1: a reason why it's become more important to me and
Speaker 1: I strive to be a better man to create more
Speaker 1: of the ways you're about to tell me that I
Speaker 1: can create intimacy in our relationship. I think you guys
Speaker 1: gonna be intimate tonight. I hope tonight, because so what
Speaker 1: can I do? What do I do or what can
Speaker 1: I do better in our relationship to create intimacy? Honestly,
Speaker 1: everything you just said was was intimate. It honestly felt
Speaker 1: like nobody else was in the room because we had
Speaker 1: total connection where eye contact right now. And even though
Speaker 1: there's people around here, I'm not embarrassed. I'm not vulnerable
Speaker 1: like I am vulnerable, but I'm not conscious because like
Speaker 1: all that matters is our connection right now. So I
Speaker 1: think what you just did was intimacy. Um, just listening,
Speaker 1: I first of all, thank you guys for being so
Speaker 1: open and you know, talking and allowing me to come
Speaker 1: in here too as as a woman, and you know,
Speaker 1: give my two cents because I think, you know, just
Speaker 1: listening to you guys. The common thread that I heard
Speaker 1: from you guys is that you you want acknowledgement and
Speaker 1: appreciation for who you are, and not just for what
Speaker 1: you do, but for the effort that you put into
Speaker 1: being the man that you are. And I think that
Speaker 1: as women or as a partner, I mean, it feels
Speaker 1: really good to be able to also give that. And
Speaker 1: then as a man, I think we obviously just want
Speaker 1: to be seen. And if you think it about both
Speaker 1: of those things, it's kind of what Brooks just said,
Speaker 1: is like when I'm in my best place and he
Speaker 1: is in his best place, we are so focused on
Speaker 1: each other because we're not needing anything for ourselves because
Speaker 1: we're filled up from our own self love or our
Speaker 1: own desire to be seen. And so I think, if
Speaker 1: anybody's listening, obviously focusing on yourself to be the greatest
Speaker 1: version of yourself so that you can give freely to
Speaker 1: your partner and that is the most like connected intimate
Speaker 1: thing you can have because you're already full and you
Speaker 1: don't need anything. Um, So well, yeah, I can't wait
Speaker 1: to have sex with you. For people listening, where can
Speaker 1: they find you? Because you share a lot of this
Speaker 1: kind of discussion and raise these kind of topics on
Speaker 1: your social So for people listening, where can they find
Speaker 1: you to learn more about this? My Instagram is at
Speaker 1: jules huff Um Twitter Julianne Huff my website Julianne huff
Speaker 1: I'm on. That's right. I have a lot of things,
Speaker 1: um that I'm working on too. I'm I'm just so
Speaker 1: fascinated in self discovery and when you can really connect
Speaker 1: to your own truest form and your truest self, um,
Speaker 1: you you can connect with anybody and really give them
Speaker 1: I think presence and connection, and that's what I think
Speaker 1: our world really needs and will be more intimate with
Speaker 1: each other and less on our phones. So beautiful. We'll
Speaker 1: end there for you guys listening, Please let us know
Speaker 1: your thoughts. Send us an email at men at iHeart Radio.
Speaker 1: You can find us on Instagram at um how men
Speaker 1: think Podcasts. Check us out there. I appreciate you coming
Speaker 1: in love, Thank you so much, thank you. I think
Speaker 1: if this podcast got anybody to get charged up and
Speaker 1: be intimate, let us know that too. Yeah, ye send us,
Speaker 1: take take care of one another, love one another. We'll
Speaker 1: see you back here next week. Hey, guys, it's Brooks
Speaker 1: and one last thing before you take off. We want
Speaker 1: to know your thoughts, feedback, insights, and questions for us
Speaker 1: on this show. Send us an email at men at
Speaker 1: I heart radio dot com and follow along with us
Speaker 1: on Instagram at how Men Think podcast and we'll see
Speaker 1: you back right here next week for the next episode.