Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning.
Speaker 1: This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's
Speaker 1: tip is that if you share a household with a partner,
Speaker 1: make sure the rest is fair. Nobody wins if you
Speaker 1: compete over who is working harder at the various sorts
Speaker 1: of work people do, but you both benefit if you
Speaker 1: work together to make sure you each get the rest
Speaker 1: you need. Today's tip was partly inspired by the book
Speaker 1: How to Keep House While Drowning in It. Therapist Casey
Speaker 1: Davis advises couples to make the rest fair. She says
Speaker 1: that couples often try to make sure the work is fair,
Speaker 1: and as someone who hears from a lot of people
Speaker 1: about how they and their partners may each time and responsibilities,
Speaker 1: I would agree that this is a common and reasonable aim.
Speaker 1: But Davis points out what you may already know from experience.
Speaker 1: It is hard to compare different kinds of work, paid
Speaker 1: versus unpaid, at home versus outside the home, more versus less,
Speaker 1: Physically demanding or emotionally demanding or intellectually demanding. On call
Speaker 1: and available versus active, It's hard to know who is
Speaker 1: working harder or more, and in a partnership where you
Speaker 1: are both working hard and feeling exhausted. Nobody wins that
Speaker 1: contest anyway. So instead of trying to make the workfair
Speaker 1: however you define work, Davis suggests making sure that both
Speaker 1: partners get adequate time for rest and recreation. Instead of
Speaker 1: asking who is working harder, she advises starting from the question,
Speaker 1: how can we ensure that we both get rest? This
Speaker 1: idea because phrasing it this way means it's not a competition.
Speaker 1: You are looking out for each other. As Davis puts it,
Speaker 1: this isn't a business deal where you need to protect
Speaker 1: your interests against an adversary. It's a partnership where you
Speaker 1: care about the well being of each other. So what
Speaker 1: does it look like for the rest to be fair?
Speaker 1: Davis describes rest as fun and recharging. It involves what
Speaker 1: she calls time autonomy. In other words, you can do
Speaker 1: whatever you want with your rest time. She also clarifies
Speaker 1: what rest isn't. It isn't being on call if you
Speaker 1: are reading a book while the baby naps, but you
Speaker 1: will be the one to deal with the baby if
Speaker 1: she cries. That is not real rest. Related to that,
Speaker 1: Davis says, rest includes responsibilities. She explains, it is your
Speaker 1: partner's responsibility to protect your rest time, but you are
Speaker 1: responsibility to actually rest. If your own perfectionism has you
Speaker 1: using your rest time to scrub base boards, that is
Speaker 1: not your partner's fault. So how can you make equal
Speaker 1: rest happen. It might be wise to chat through your calendars.
Speaker 1: Maybe you set recurring times that each of you get automatically,
Speaker 1: and any changes require advanced consultation. Instead of assuming that
Speaker 1: you'll both be able to fit in rest around other responsibilities,
Speaker 1: take time to work together to figure out when rest
Speaker 1: can happen for each of you. Then commit to protecting
Speaker 1: each other's rest time and too making the most of
Speaker 1: your own. If you've got young kids, you will need
Speaker 1: to trade off. If one party seems to be working
Speaker 1: a lot and working unpredictably, you'll likely need to hire
Speaker 1: childcare because long hours don't negate the need for rest
Speaker 1: for anyone. If you and your partner are feeling worn out,
Speaker 1: focusing on protecting rest could make a big difference. It's
Speaker 1: unclear how to count if the work is ever completely fair,
Speaker 1: but perhaps rest can be, and perhaps that can make
Speaker 1: life feel more doable In the meantime, this is Laura.
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening, and here's to making the most of
Speaker 1: our time. Thanks for listening to Before Breakfast. If you've
Speaker 1: got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach me at
Speaker 1: Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. Before Breakfast is a
Speaker 1: production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts from iHeartMedia, please visit
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
Speaker 1: your favorite shows.