WEBVTT - Make the rest fair

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning.

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<v Speaker 1>This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's

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<v Speaker 1>tip is that if you share a household with a partner,

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<v Speaker 1>make sure the rest is fair. Nobody wins if you

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<v Speaker 1>compete over who is working harder at the various sorts

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<v Speaker 1>of work people do, but you both benefit if you

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<v Speaker 1>work together to make sure you each get the rest

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<v Speaker 1>you need. Today's tip was partly inspired by the book

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<v Speaker 1>How to Keep House While Drowning in It. Therapist Casey

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<v Speaker 1>Davis advises couples to make the rest fair. She says

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<v Speaker 1>that couples often try to make sure the work is fair,

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<v Speaker 1>and as someone who hears from a lot of people

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<v Speaker 1>about how they and their partners may each time and responsibilities,

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<v Speaker 1>I would agree that this is a common and reasonable aim.

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<v Speaker 1>But Davis points out what you may already know from experience.

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<v Speaker 1>It is hard to compare different kinds of work, paid

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<v Speaker 1>versus unpaid, at home versus outside the home, more versus less,

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<v Speaker 1>Physically demanding or emotionally demanding or intellectually demanding. On call

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<v Speaker 1>and available versus active, It's hard to know who is

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<v Speaker 1>working harder or more, and in a partnership where you

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<v Speaker 1>are both working hard and feeling exhausted. Nobody wins that

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<v Speaker 1>contest anyway. So instead of trying to make the workfair

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<v Speaker 1>however you define work, Davis suggests making sure that both

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<v Speaker 1>partners get adequate time for rest and recreation. Instead of

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<v Speaker 1>asking who is working harder, she advises starting from the question,

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<v Speaker 1>how can we ensure that we both get rest? This

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<v Speaker 1>idea because phrasing it this way means it's not a competition.

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<v Speaker 1>You are looking out for each other. As Davis puts it,

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<v Speaker 1>this isn't a business deal where you need to protect

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<v Speaker 1>your interests against an adversary. It's a partnership where you

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<v Speaker 1>care about the well being of each other. So what

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<v Speaker 1>does it look like for the rest to be fair?

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<v Speaker 1>Davis describes rest as fun and recharging. It involves what

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<v Speaker 1>she calls time autonomy. In other words, you can do

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<v Speaker 1>whatever you want with your rest time. She also clarifies

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<v Speaker 1>what rest isn't. It isn't being on call if you

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<v Speaker 1>are reading a book while the baby naps, but you

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<v Speaker 1>will be the one to deal with the baby if

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<v Speaker 1>she cries. That is not real rest. Related to that,

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<v Speaker 1>Davis says, rest includes responsibilities. She explains, it is your

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<v Speaker 1>partner's responsibility to protect your rest time, but you are

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<v Speaker 1>responsibility to actually rest. If your own perfectionism has you

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<v Speaker 1>using your rest time to scrub base boards, that is

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<v Speaker 1>not your partner's fault. So how can you make equal

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<v Speaker 1>rest happen. It might be wise to chat through your calendars.

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<v Speaker 1>Maybe you set recurring times that each of you get automatically,

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<v Speaker 1>and any changes require advanced consultation. Instead of assuming that

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<v Speaker 1>you'll both be able to fit in rest around other responsibilities,

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<v Speaker 1>take time to work together to figure out when rest

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<v Speaker 1>can happen for each of you. Then commit to protecting

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<v Speaker 1>each other's rest time and too making the most of

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<v Speaker 1>your own. If you've got young kids, you will need

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<v Speaker 1>to trade off. If one party seems to be working

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<v Speaker 1>a lot and working unpredictably, you'll likely need to hire

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<v Speaker 1>childcare because long hours don't negate the need for rest

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<v Speaker 1>for anyone. If you and your partner are feeling worn out,

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<v Speaker 1>focusing on protecting rest could make a big difference. It's

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<v Speaker 1>unclear how to count if the work is ever completely fair,

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<v Speaker 1>but perhaps rest can be, and perhaps that can make

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<v Speaker 1>life feel more doable In the meantime, this is Laura.

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<v Speaker 1>Thanks for listening, and here's to making the most of

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<v Speaker 1>our time. Thanks for listening to Before Breakfast. If you've

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<v Speaker 1>got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach me at

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<v Speaker 1>Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. Before Breakfast is a

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<v Speaker 1>production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts from iHeartMedia, please visit

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