1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:10,280 Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning. 2 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's 3 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:20,079 Speaker 1: tip is that if you share a household with a partner, 4 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:25,720 Speaker 1: make sure the rest is fair. Nobody wins if you 5 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:29,240 Speaker 1: compete over who is working harder at the various sorts 6 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:33,199 Speaker 1: of work people do, but you both benefit if you 7 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:36,280 Speaker 1: work together to make sure you each get the rest 8 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:41,280 Speaker 1: you need. Today's tip was partly inspired by the book 9 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:45,720 Speaker 1: How to Keep House While Drowning in It. Therapist Casey 10 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:52,240 Speaker 1: Davis advises couples to make the rest fair. She says 11 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:55,440 Speaker 1: that couples often try to make sure the work is fair, 12 00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:58,200 Speaker 1: and as someone who hears from a lot of people 13 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:01,760 Speaker 1: about how they and their partners may each time and responsibilities, 14 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:05,880 Speaker 1: I would agree that this is a common and reasonable aim. 15 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:09,760 Speaker 1: But Davis points out what you may already know from experience. 16 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:14,360 Speaker 1: It is hard to compare different kinds of work, paid 17 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:20,119 Speaker 1: versus unpaid, at home versus outside the home, more versus less, 18 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:25,440 Speaker 1: Physically demanding or emotionally demanding or intellectually demanding. On call 19 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:29,920 Speaker 1: and available versus active, It's hard to know who is 20 00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:34,200 Speaker 1: working harder or more, and in a partnership where you 21 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:37,840 Speaker 1: are both working hard and feeling exhausted. Nobody wins that 22 00:01:37,959 --> 00:01:42,040 Speaker 1: contest anyway. So instead of trying to make the workfair 23 00:01:42,319 --> 00:01:46,360 Speaker 1: however you define work, Davis suggests making sure that both 24 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:51,560 Speaker 1: partners get adequate time for rest and recreation. Instead of 25 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:54,800 Speaker 1: asking who is working harder, she advises starting from the question, 26 00:01:55,520 --> 00:02:00,240 Speaker 1: how can we ensure that we both get rest? This 27 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:03,600 Speaker 1: idea because phrasing it this way means it's not a competition. 28 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:08,480 Speaker 1: You are looking out for each other. As Davis puts it, 29 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:12,440 Speaker 1: this isn't a business deal where you need to protect 30 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:17,400 Speaker 1: your interests against an adversary. It's a partnership where you 31 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:21,680 Speaker 1: care about the well being of each other. So what 32 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:23,960 Speaker 1: does it look like for the rest to be fair? 33 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:30,560 Speaker 1: Davis describes rest as fun and recharging. It involves what 34 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:34,680 Speaker 1: she calls time autonomy. In other words, you can do 35 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:38,480 Speaker 1: whatever you want with your rest time. She also clarifies 36 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:42,919 Speaker 1: what rest isn't. It isn't being on call if you 37 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,280 Speaker 1: are reading a book while the baby naps, but you 38 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:46,800 Speaker 1: will be the one to deal with the baby if 39 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:51,000 Speaker 1: she cries. That is not real rest. Related to that, 40 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:55,960 Speaker 1: Davis says, rest includes responsibilities. She explains, it is your 41 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:59,640 Speaker 1: partner's responsibility to protect your rest time, but you are 42 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:04,800 Speaker 1: responsibility to actually rest. If your own perfectionism has you 43 00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:07,160 Speaker 1: using your rest time to scrub base boards, that is 44 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:11,560 Speaker 1: not your partner's fault. So how can you make equal 45 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:16,040 Speaker 1: rest happen. It might be wise to chat through your calendars. 46 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaker 1: Maybe you set recurring times that each of you get automatically, 47 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:25,280 Speaker 1: and any changes require advanced consultation. Instead of assuming that 48 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:28,560 Speaker 1: you'll both be able to fit in rest around other responsibilities, 49 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:32,840 Speaker 1: take time to work together to figure out when rest 50 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:37,200 Speaker 1: can happen for each of you. Then commit to protecting 51 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,880 Speaker 1: each other's rest time and too making the most of 52 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:43,120 Speaker 1: your own. If you've got young kids, you will need 53 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:46,200 Speaker 1: to trade off. If one party seems to be working 54 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:49,360 Speaker 1: a lot and working unpredictably, you'll likely need to hire 55 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:54,120 Speaker 1: childcare because long hours don't negate the need for rest 56 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:58,760 Speaker 1: for anyone. If you and your partner are feeling worn out, 57 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:04,240 Speaker 1: focusing on protecting rest could make a big difference. It's 58 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:07,800 Speaker 1: unclear how to count if the work is ever completely fair, 59 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:12,320 Speaker 1: but perhaps rest can be, and perhaps that can make 60 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:17,800 Speaker 1: life feel more doable In the meantime, this is Laura. 61 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:23,080 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening, and here's to making the most of 62 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:32,960 Speaker 1: our time. Thanks for listening to Before Breakfast. If you've 63 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:37,120 Speaker 1: got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach me at 64 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:46,240 Speaker 1: Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. Before Breakfast is a 65 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:51,040 Speaker 1: production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts from iHeartMedia, please visit 66 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,880 Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to 67 00:04:54,920 --> 00:05:05,920 Speaker 1: your favorite shows.