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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly

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Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small

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Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions

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Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor joy hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or

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Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you

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Speaker 1: love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is

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Speaker 1: not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with

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Speaker 1: a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much

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Speaker 1: for joining us for session four twelve of the Therapy

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Speaker 1: for Black Girl's podcast. We'll get right into our episode

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Speaker 1: after a word from our sponsors. So, when was the

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Speaker 1: last time you took yourself on a solo date. Maybe

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Speaker 1: you got dressed up and went to a fancy restaurant,

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Speaker 1: or maybe you just threw on some sweats and saw

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Speaker 1: your third viewing of Sinners. Either way completely valid. But

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Speaker 1: if it has been a while, or if you have

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Speaker 1: been a little anxious or leary about taking yourself on

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Speaker 1: a solo date, I hope that this episode will be

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Speaker 1: the nudgs you need to push you across that line

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Speaker 1: and encourage you to go ahead and do the thing.

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Speaker 1: So there are some experiences that I think we just

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Speaker 1: need to have in life that teach us lots of things.

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Speaker 2: One of them is traveling abroad.

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Speaker 1: So sometimes I will get asked like, oh, is there

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Speaker 1: something in your life that you would do over the

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Speaker 1: fact that I did not travel abroad as an undergrad

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Speaker 1: is one thing I would do over. So traveling abroad

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Speaker 1: is one. But the other thing that I think is

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Speaker 1: really important in terms of developing good life skills is

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Speaker 1: learning to do things by ourselves.

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Speaker 2: And this is for a couple of reasons.

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Speaker 1: So the first one is that I think that there

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Speaker 1: are things that we learn about ourselves that can only

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Speaker 1: come when we are okay with solitude.

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Speaker 2: When we are okay being by ourselves, we.

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Speaker 1: Learn more about who we are, what kinds of things

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Speaker 1: make us tick, what kinds of things we're really interested in,

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Speaker 1: without the filter of other people's perceptions, because I think

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Speaker 1: sometimes our idea of who we are is heavily colored

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Speaker 1: by who other people see us as or other people's interests.

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Speaker 2: And so when you spend more time.

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Speaker 1: Alone, you get better at developing your own interests and

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Speaker 1: like really being in tune with the kinds of things

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Speaker 1: that you really enjoy. So that's the first reason. The

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Speaker 1: second reason why I think it's important to learn how

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Speaker 1: to spend more time alone is that it helps us

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Speaker 1: to develop a skill called distress tolerance. Distress tolerance is

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Speaker 1: exactly what it sounds like. It is learning how to

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Speaker 1: tolerate distress, and not in a staying an abusive situations

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Speaker 1: kind of way. But there are some things that will

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Speaker 1: happen in life that are unpleasant and uncomfortable and distressing,

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Speaker 1: and a part of good mental health is actually being

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Speaker 1: able to tolerate difficult experiences distressing situations. And so for

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Speaker 1: a lot of people, being alone or doing something solo

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Speaker 1: can be really distressing. And so stretching yourself past your

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Speaker 1: comfort zone, getting more comfortable and spending time by yourself

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Speaker 1: or doing things by yourself can be a great way

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Speaker 1: to strengthen the muscle of distress tolerance. Now, earlier this year,

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Speaker 1: I had an opportunity to have a solo date, a

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Speaker 1: solo experience. So many of you have heard me talk

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Speaker 1: about my growing love for women's basketball, and so in January,

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Speaker 1: I took myself on an out of town experience to

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Speaker 1: check out Unrivaled, which the new women's three on three

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Speaker 1: league that started this year. I had never done anything

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Speaker 1: like that, so I will, you know, often travel alone

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Speaker 1: for speaking engagements and work kinds of things, but I

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Speaker 1: actually can't think of the last time I've actually left

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Speaker 1: town to do something by myself for something that I

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Speaker 1: was just interested in that had nothing to do with work.

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Speaker 1: So I went for the Inaugura weekend for Unrivaled. I

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Speaker 1: was able to see all of the teams play. Was

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Speaker 1: such a fun experience, and I think that that is

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Speaker 1: something that I would want to share with people who

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Speaker 1: are feeling a little worried about doing something alone. Is

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Speaker 1: that the situation like Unrivaled one where there were lots

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Speaker 1: of other women's basketball fans, I think made it much

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Speaker 1: more comfortable to be there alone because there were a

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Speaker 1: lot of people there, right, So I didn't necessarily know

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Speaker 1: that going into it, but I knew that I would

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Speaker 1: be like sitting near other people, and you know, people

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Speaker 1: would be focused on the game, and so it didn't

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Speaker 1: matter as much whether I came with somebody or not.

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Speaker 1: And then when I got there, I found that lots

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Speaker 1: of other people came alone, and then we were able

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Speaker 1: to talk about it and where did we come from,

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Speaker 1: and who we're rooting for, and just really participate in

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Speaker 1: the excitement of this new experience together. And so that's

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Speaker 1: something that I think is important to know that you

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Speaker 1: can do things alone because you're interested in them, and

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Speaker 1: then you meet people maybe who are also doing those things,

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Speaker 1: right like, not with the idea that you're going to

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Speaker 1: meet new people, so that, of course may be a

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Speaker 1: side effect of it, but you are likely to meet

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Speaker 1: other people who are interested in the same kinds of things.

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Speaker 1: And so if you're worried about like, oh, well, who

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Speaker 1: will I talk to, it's very likely there will be

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Speaker 1: other people there that are traveling solo or doing things

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Speaker 1: alone as well, which brings me to my next point. Again,

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Speaker 1: you've already heard me say that I don't typically do

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Speaker 1: a lot of things by myself that are not work related,

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Speaker 1: and I think that that is something for us to

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Speaker 1: pay attention to as well, because I think, you know,

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Speaker 1: when we're young, we typically do lots of different things,

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Speaker 1: right Like, we're in lots of activities, we're doing different

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Speaker 1: kinds of things, and then at some point in our

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Speaker 1: lives we focus more on work or other responsibilities, and

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Speaker 1: we lose sense of that, the sense of play, right like,

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Speaker 1: we lose touch with that. And how important it is

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Speaker 1: to still foster our own hobbies and our own interests

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Speaker 1: even as we get older and even as we have

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Speaker 1: other responsibilities. And so if that is something that you

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Speaker 1: have also experienced, where you're pouring a lot of time

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Speaker 1: into caregiving or into work, I do want you to

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Speaker 1: make sure that you're also making time for the kinds

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Speaker 1: of things that are fun for you and developing new

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Speaker 1: interests in hobbies. Again, if you've probably talked about my

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Speaker 1: interest in women's basketball, you know that I was not

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Speaker 1: an athlete in school. I did not have any experience

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Speaker 1: playing sports, and so it's only within the last two

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Speaker 1: years that I have been really, really excited and interested

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Speaker 1: in women's basketball, which I think also speaks to the

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Speaker 1: idea that you are never too old to have a

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Speaker 1: new hobby, to have a new interest, and so as

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Speaker 1: long as you keep living, there are lots of different

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Speaker 1: things that you may be interested in throughout your life.

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Speaker 1: So if you needed a little push, I hope that

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Speaker 1: that encourages you to do that.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 1: I also want to talk about the anxiety that often

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Speaker 1: comes with doing things solo, because I think that that

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Speaker 1: is what often keeps us from doing solo things right,

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Speaker 1: like going to the movies by ourselves, are going to

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Speaker 1: restaurants by ourselves. And I think it's important for you

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Speaker 1: to know that a lot of times we are creating

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Speaker 1: a story in our heads that is far more fantastical

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Speaker 1: than anything based in reality. So a lot of times

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Speaker 1: there's anxiety about what will people think about the fact

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Speaker 1: that I'm alone eating out a restaurant, or are other

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Speaker 1: people going to be there solo at the movies, And

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Speaker 1: it's important for you to know that people are spending

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Speaker 1: way less time focus on you than you may think,

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Speaker 1: right because you are so anxious and so worried about

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Speaker 1: the perception of other people that you're likely thinking, Oh,

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Speaker 1: everybody's looking at me, They're gonna think this is weird,

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Speaker 1: and whatever story it is that you've come up with.

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Speaker 2: And the truth is that.

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Speaker 1: People are far more attuned to whatever's going on in

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Speaker 1: their phone, whatever is going on in their own lives,

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Speaker 1: or their thoughts about what you think about them, than

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Speaker 1: they are actually paying attention to you. So people are

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Speaker 1: not at all as focused on us as we think

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Speaker 1: that they are. That is often just a story that

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Speaker 1: anxiety tells us. And so when you know if you

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Speaker 1: can kind of put yourself in out of your comfort

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Speaker 1: zone to do something like going to a restaurant by yourself,

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Speaker 1: I want you to just take a beat and to

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Speaker 1: just tell yourself people are not as focused on me

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Speaker 1: as I'm thinking. Even if you make eye contact with

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Speaker 1: other people, they are likely just exchanging pleasant glances with you.

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Speaker 1: It's very unlikely that they are creating a story about

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Speaker 1: you and saying that you look weird for being at

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Speaker 1: the restaurant by yourself. More from our conversation after the break.

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Speaker 1: One common hack for people, and this is definitely something

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Speaker 1: I've done and I think other people have done this too,

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Speaker 1: But if you're feeling a little anxious about, you know,

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Speaker 1: going to a restaurant or going to a bar for dinner,

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Speaker 1: then bring a book with you, right Like, So something

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Speaker 1: like reading a book can feel like you are there

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Speaker 1: with other people, but it maybe helps you to feel

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Speaker 1: a little less anxious because you are engrossed in a

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Speaker 1: good book that you're reading. So that's something that may

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Speaker 1: be helpful for you if you're feeling like you're anxious

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Speaker 1: about going to a restaurant or somewhere by yourself, then

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Speaker 1: bringing a book with you can help you to maybe

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Speaker 1: feel a little.

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Speaker 2: Less anxious about that.

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Speaker 1: Something else I want to call attention to in terms

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Speaker 1: of learning to do more things solo, is that I

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Speaker 1: think sometimes there's a lot of conversation and a lot

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Speaker 1: of discussion about doing things solo when you are single. Right,

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Speaker 1: So this idea that you need to learn how to

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Speaker 1: do things alone because you know there is not a partner,

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Speaker 1: and that may be the case, but I also think

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Speaker 1: that it's important to have of things that are your own,

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Speaker 1: even if you are in a romantic relationship or if

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Speaker 1: you are partnered. Right. So, of course there may be

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Speaker 1: things that you do with your partner, but again, as

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Speaker 1: I mentioned earlier, it's still really important for you to

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Speaker 1: have things that are just yours no matter where you

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Speaker 1: are in your life, no matter what your relationship status is.

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Speaker 1: It is good to have interest and hobbies and things

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Speaker 1: that are just your own that you don't necessarily have

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Speaker 1: to share with other people. And I think it's important

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Speaker 1: to think about spending time alone as a practice that

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Speaker 1: we kind of continue throughout life. Right, So, again, it

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Speaker 1: can be when we are single, but also when you

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Speaker 1: are partnered, also when you are a parent, also when

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Speaker 1: you are a caregiver, also when you are the CEO

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Speaker 1: of company. Right like all the stages throughout our lives,

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Speaker 1: this idea of doing things solo and kind of continuing

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Speaker 1: to cultivate our own interests and hobbies, it's something that

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Speaker 1: is a skill that we will need throughout our lives.

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Speaker 1: And so there is no stage in your life at

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Speaker 1: which you can say, Okay, I don't need to do

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Speaker 1: things on my own anymore, because I think again, just

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Speaker 1: like you learn stuff about yourself when you are maybe

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Speaker 1: twenty one through doing things solo, the things that doing

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Speaker 1: things solo will reveal to you about yourself at fifty

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Speaker 1: is very different, and so at each stage of your

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Speaker 1: life you are meeting new versions of yourself, and so

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Speaker 1: it's important to do things solo so that you can

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Speaker 1: get to know them a little better. Going back to

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Speaker 1: some of my earlier points around why it is sometimes

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Speaker 1: difficult to spend time alone, Sometimes it is about the

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Speaker 1: anxiety of feeling like people are paying attention to you

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Speaker 1: and like creating stories about you. But another reason why

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Speaker 1: it may be difficult for people to spend time alone

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Speaker 1: is that sometimes we are kind of running away from

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Speaker 1: certain thoughts, right, So we don't want to be still.

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Speaker 1: We don't want to be quiet because maybe there's negative

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Speaker 1: self talk that happens, or maybe there's some distressing experiences

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Speaker 1: that we rather than not deal with, or maybe we're

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Speaker 1: trying to run from depression or sadness or whatever it is.

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Speaker 1: And so the idea of doing something solo really feels

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Speaker 1: like it gives you more time to just focus on yourself.

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Speaker 1: And while I do understand that, I also want you

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Speaker 1: to know that you cannot run away from things forever. Right,

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Speaker 1: So you've probably heard me talk about if you don't

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Speaker 1: deal with things, then things will deal with you eventually

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Speaker 1: in some kind of way. And so while you may

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Speaker 1: think that you're able to get away from things by

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Speaker 1: throwing yourself into work or always spending time with friends,

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Speaker 1: eventually those things will bubble to the surface. And so

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Speaker 1: if spending time alone or enjoying the solitude of your

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Speaker 1: own company is a way where you can allow that

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Speaker 1: to come to the surface, that may be a better

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Speaker 1: way for you to actually deal with what's going on,

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Speaker 1: and then maybe do some journaling and maybe talk with

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Speaker 1: a therapist about what's happening. But I do want you

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Speaker 1: to know that you cannot outrun whatever it is that

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Speaker 1: you're thinking you can outrun by not spending time alone.

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Speaker 2: Eventually it will come up.

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Speaker 1: So sometimes people are thinking, Okay, I hear you, doctor Joy,

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Speaker 1: I will try to do this solo thing. I want

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Speaker 1: to give you some ideas of things that you may

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Speaker 1: be able to do if you're interested in getting started

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Speaker 1: with spending more time by yourself doing solo dates. So

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Speaker 1: you've already heard me talk about restaurants. I think that

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Speaker 1: restaurants and like taking yourself out to eat is a

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Speaker 1: great first thing to do solo because it again allows

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Speaker 1: you to figure out exactly what you're interested in. So

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Speaker 1: I really love Mexican. My kids don't always want to

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Speaker 1: have Mexican food, and so sometimes I will go to

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Speaker 1: my favorite Mexican restaurants and just have the food by myself. Right,

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Speaker 1: So in that way, you also don't have to worry

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Speaker 1: about tending to everybody else's needs. I also think that

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Speaker 1: doing things solo, especially when you are a caregiver, is

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Speaker 1: a great way for you to assert some boundaries and

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Speaker 1: for you to also make sure that you are prioritizing

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Speaker 1: the things that are important to you. It's a great

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Speaker 1: self care practice. So I don't have to worry about

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Speaker 1: my kids not enjoying Caeso dip. I can go enjoying

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Speaker 1: my own case. I do so again, restaurants and like

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Speaker 1: seeking out all of the new, cool restaurants that are

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Speaker 1: in your city or places that you want to try.

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Speaker 1: I think places like TikTok and Instagram are great for

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Speaker 1: introducing you to new restaurants and new dishes and things

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Speaker 1: that you may want to try. And so keeping a

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Speaker 1: list of those places and then making a list and

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Speaker 1: then taking yourself out, you know, maybe once a week

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Speaker 1: or so, and making a plan for all the places

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Speaker 1: that you want to hit can be a nice little

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Speaker 1: adventure for yourself. So restaurants and dining experiences I think

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Speaker 1: are a great way to get in some solo daytime.

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Speaker 1: I also think that movies are a great thing to

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Speaker 1: do solo because everybody's focused on the movie, right, So

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Speaker 1: nobody's necessarily paying attention to who's sitting next to who

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Speaker 1: and did you come with a group of people or

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Speaker 1: did you come alone? They are focused on the movie.

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Speaker 1: And so again I think that that actually may be

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Speaker 1: easier than even a restaurant because it's dark, nobody's really

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Speaker 1: paying attention to you, They're paying attention to the movie,

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Speaker 1: And so getting comfortable kind of doing things by yourself,

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Speaker 1: going to a movie could be a great first step,

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Speaker 1: and then maybe you graduate to a restaurant. I also

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Speaker 1: think that volunteer experiences can be a great way to

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Speaker 1: do things solo, because again, typically there are other people around,

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Speaker 1: so you maybe necessarily don't feel like you're alone though

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Speaker 1: you are kind of focused on whatever it is that

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Speaker 1: you can to do in terms of the volunteer project.

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Speaker 1: But I also think that volunteering typically just makes us

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Speaker 1: feel good, right, And again, you may not have the

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Speaker 1: same interest in terms of volunteerism as maybe friends or

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Speaker 1: coworkers or whoever. And so finding your particular lane in

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Speaker 1: the kinds of ways that you want to give back

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Speaker 1: can be a great way to feel better about yourself,

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Speaker 1: but also to again practice this muscle of feeling like

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Speaker 1: you want to do things solo. And then vacation, so

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Speaker 1: I feel like travel vacation may be kind of at

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Speaker 1: the top of the totem pole or the top of

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Speaker 1: the pyramid in terms of doing things solo. But as

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Speaker 1: you heard me talk about, like my experience with Unrivaled,

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Speaker 1: it was so cool, so fun, and I did come

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Speaker 1: back fling like wow, I did that. Like, let me

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Speaker 1: think about where else I might want to go solo.

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Speaker 1: And so you know, again, you may want to start

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Speaker 1: with movies, but eventually maybe you feel like you want

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Speaker 1: to travel solo. So maybe that is within your country,

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Speaker 1: but it also could be abroad, right, Like, maybe there

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Speaker 1: are places in other countries that you want to visit

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Speaker 1: and you don't want to have to worry about who

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Speaker 1: wants to do excursions if you want to just lounge

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Speaker 1: around by the pool or by a beach. You get

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Speaker 1: to choose and do the things that are most important

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Speaker 1: to you, the things that are most valuable to you,

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Speaker 1: and exactly how you want to spend your time in

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Speaker 1: your resources. You don't have to consider anybody else. Again,

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Speaker 1: I think that this is just a great idea in

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Speaker 1: prioritizing yourself that can be really helpful, especially for people

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Speaker 1: who are accustomed to putting other people's needs first. Traveling solo,

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Speaker 1: doing some of these things solo can be a great

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Speaker 1: way to kind of break that habit. So as always,

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Speaker 1: I have some ideas, but I also want to hear

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Speaker 1: what are your ideas about doing things solo? If this

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Speaker 1: is something that you have done quite a bit of

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Speaker 1: what has allowed you to feel comfortable doing things solo.

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Speaker 1: If it's something that you were kind of anxious and

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Speaker 1: nervous about but now you've done it, what really helped

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Speaker 1: you to get better at doing it, and what kinds

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Speaker 1: of ideas do you have to share with the community

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Speaker 1: of things that they might want to try to do

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Speaker 1: solo as well. Please let us know on Instagram. You

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Speaker 1: can follow us at Therapy for Black Girls, or you

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Speaker 1: can find us on threads at Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 1: and share your comments. You can also use the hashtag

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Speaker 1: TBG in session to keep this conversation going because other

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Speaker 1: sisters will want to know. Okay, I want to do this,

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Speaker 1: but where do I get started? So please share your

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Speaker 1: feedback with us, and don't forget to share this episode

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Speaker 1: with two of your girls so that we can continue

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Speaker 1: the conversations about solo dates and getting more comfortable with

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Speaker 1: spending time with ourselves. If you're looking for a therapist

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Speaker 1: snare area, please be sure to visit our therapist directory

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com slash directory and make

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Speaker 1: sure that you are sharing that in your group chats

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Speaker 1: and on your social media channels as well, and don't

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Speaker 1: forget to join us over in Patreon. So we've launched

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Speaker 1: our Patreon channel where we extend the conversations we have

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Speaker 1: here on the podcast and also have lots of fun events.

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Speaker 1: We'd love to have you join us there. You can

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Speaker 1: find us there at community dot therapy for Blackgirls dot com.

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Speaker 1: And if you have suggestions of things that you want

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Speaker 1: us to cover on the podcast, or maybe a particular

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Speaker 1: guest you'd love to hear me in conversation with, you

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Speaker 1: can always drop us a voice node, so you can

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Speaker 1: do that at Memo dot fm slash Therapy for Black Girls.

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Speaker 1: This episode was produced by Elie Ellis, Tyrie Rush, and

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Speaker 1: Indaytubu and editing was done by Dennison Bradford. Thank y'all

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Speaker 1: so much for joining me again this week. I look

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Speaker 1: forward to continuing this conversation with you all real soon.

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Speaker 2: Take good care