WEBVTT - When did we normalize bailing? 0:00:00.090 --> 0:00:05.430 Hi guys, and welcome back to Too Much. I have 0:00:05.470 --> 0:00:08.270 a lot to talk about today. So I'm not really 0:00:08.450 --> 0:00:12.209 going to do any catch up. My quick little catch up, 0:00:12.250 --> 0:00:16.140 I guess, is fashion week ended yesterday. Thank fucking God. 0:00:16.160 --> 0:00:21.660 I'm exhausted. And now I leave for the Bahamas tomorrow 0:00:21.700 --> 0:00:25.360 morning at 5am. My flight's at 8.20 in the morning. 0:00:26.579 --> 0:00:28.800 And my mom is coming with me. It's going to 0:00:28.840 --> 0:00:33.060 be really fucking cute. I realize this is happening after 0:00:33.100 --> 0:00:34.500 the trip. So I was just going to say follow 0:00:34.520 --> 0:00:35.339 along on my personal. 0:00:35.909 --> 0:00:36.520 That's on my page. 0:00:36.870 --> 0:00:41.070 Oh, no, that's not my handle. That's Emma Klipstein. But 0:00:41.110 --> 0:00:43.089 you're going to be listening to this after that even 0:00:43.170 --> 0:00:46.449 fucking happens. So it doesn't matter. But my post will 0:00:46.470 --> 0:00:48.250 be there. I'm staying at the Baja Mar. They're putting 0:00:48.270 --> 0:00:51.870 me up because they have a podcast studio and they're 0:00:51.890 --> 0:00:52.930 going to let me record in it. 0:00:53.030 --> 0:00:55.410 So also, I don't know if it's either going to 0:00:55.420 --> 0:00:56.240 be last. 0:00:56.020 --> 0:00:58.990 Week's episode or next week's episode, but one of them 0:00:59.010 --> 0:01:03.090 will be in their podcast studio. So that'll be a 0:01:03.150 --> 0:01:04.730 fun change of scenery again. 0:01:04.750 --> 0:01:07.090 But anyways, yeah. 0:01:07.370 --> 0:01:09.630 So let's just go down the fucking rabbit hole because 0:01:09.850 --> 0:01:13.130 I've got a lot to say today. I want to 0:01:13.190 --> 0:01:18.090 talk about my biggest pet peeve in the entire world. 0:01:18.930 --> 0:01:20.970 This is something that I truly cannot wrap my head around. 0:01:21.950 --> 0:01:27.940 Can't understand it. It's... my biggest gripe in life. 0:01:27.959 --> 0:01:30.340 I don't know if that's a word. I have no idea. 0:01:30.500 --> 0:01:33.899 I'm also really tired. So bear with me. But this 0:01:33.959 --> 0:01:35.140 is what I want to go down the rabbit hole 0:01:35.160 --> 0:01:38.660 about today. I would like to know when it became 0:01:38.920 --> 0:01:45.280 socially acceptable to treat showing up as optional. When? 0:01:46.440 --> 0:01:47.000 Just curious. 0:01:49.030 --> 0:01:50.980 I don't know if I am the only person who 0:01:51.650 --> 0:01:53.470 experiences this or has experienced this. 0:01:54.160 --> 0:01:56.530 I know I'm not, actually. I fucking know that I'm not. 0:01:56.720 --> 0:02:00.790 But I feel like it's happening now more than ever 0:02:01.530 --> 0:02:07.770 that people have just normalized bailing without qualms, without guilt, 0:02:08.750 --> 0:02:09.850 and without. 0:02:12.690 --> 0:02:13.260 Any hesitation. 0:02:14.060 --> 0:02:17.880 People are just doing it. They're willing to just 30 0:02:17.880 --> 0:02:21.620 minutes before, two hours before, a day before, two hours 0:02:21.680 --> 0:02:26.720 after the start time. They're just willing to bail. People 0:02:27.040 --> 0:02:30.560 RSVP yes and then decide if they're going to go later. 0:02:31.500 --> 0:02:34.480 They make three sets of plans, knowing very well that 0:02:34.500 --> 0:02:36.639 they are going to pick the one that suits them 0:02:36.700 --> 0:02:38.540 best or the one that they like best when it 0:02:38.580 --> 0:02:42.399 comes time. They say, I'll be there. But what they 0:02:42.520 --> 0:02:45.500 actually mean is, I'll see if I feel like it 0:02:45.960 --> 0:02:50.120 when the time comes. And because everyone does it, we 0:02:50.139 --> 0:02:52.960 have decided that it's normal. And let me tell you, 0:02:54.160 --> 0:02:58.740 It's not fucking normal. And it's not fucking okay. Quite 0:02:58.760 --> 0:03:02.660 a few of you have confused having the freedom to 0:03:02.720 --> 0:03:07.820 change your mind with having freedom from consequences of disappointing someone. 0:03:08.540 --> 0:03:09.100 And it shows. 0:03:09.820 --> 0:03:14.190 And I'm going to say they because I can. Because 0:03:14.210 --> 0:03:17.730 I am someone who refuses to bail. That is how 0:03:17.770 --> 0:03:20.889 a lot of people know me. That is something I 0:03:20.930 --> 0:03:23.690 am proud of and something I stand on. That is 0:03:23.770 --> 0:03:26.190 business that I stand on. Someone actually said it to 0:03:26.210 --> 0:03:28.790 me this morning. I was like, in the middle of 0:03:29.150 --> 0:03:31.810 New York Fashion Week, even as exhausted as I was, 0:03:32.030 --> 0:03:34.010 I booked Paris Fashion Week. And I was like, I'm 0:03:34.050 --> 0:03:36.870 a fucking masochist. I just want to show up for everything. 0:03:36.910 --> 0:03:39.610 I want to do everything. And the girl was like, yeah, 0:03:39.630 --> 0:03:43.250 but you are built different. So I take this with 0:03:43.290 --> 0:03:45.830 a grain of salt, but I am going to point 0:03:45.870 --> 0:03:48.880 the finger today because I feel that I can. And 0:03:49.710 --> 0:03:52.250 I know that I am not alone in this, but 0:03:52.290 --> 0:03:56.030 the people who never bail, the ones who are always 0:03:56.510 --> 0:04:00.690 showing up for everyone, sometimes are the ones who learned 0:04:00.790 --> 0:04:04.640 very early on what it feels like when nobody shows 0:04:04.700 --> 0:04:08.620 up for them. And they would never want to make 0:04:08.800 --> 0:04:11.720 anyone else feel that way because they know what it 0:04:11.740 --> 0:04:18.080 feels like. For me, bailing isn't just bailing. I'm a 0:04:18.140 --> 0:04:21.740 logical person. I always have been. When there is human 0:04:21.860 --> 0:04:27.450 error in life, I can be understanding. I fully get it. 0:04:28.170 --> 0:04:35.290 But truthfully, logical Emma and emotional Emma experience cancellation very differently. 0:04:36.250 --> 0:04:40.170 And that is because of my abandonment wounds, which I 0:04:40.230 --> 0:04:42.850 have worked extremely hard. 0:04:42.770 --> 0:04:48.980 On to acknowledge, to unlearn to unfeel. 0:04:50.160 --> 0:04:54.750 But knowing where a trigger comes from doesn't magically stop 0:04:54.790 --> 0:04:59.170 you from feeling it. And healing my abandonment wounds does 0:04:59.230 --> 0:05:03.330 not mean that the abandonment stops. It means that I 0:05:03.390 --> 0:05:07.500 stop abandoning myself when someone disappoints me. For me, when 0:05:07.580 --> 0:05:12.580 someone fails, my logic can understand. They are tired. They 0:05:12.600 --> 0:05:15.800 are have a work obligation, something came up, they have 0:05:15.820 --> 0:05:19.160 an emergency, they're tired and they're prioritizing their health. 0:05:20.080 --> 0:05:20.430 I get it. 0:05:20.480 --> 0:05:24.680 My logic can understand that. But my heart hears, you 0:05:24.700 --> 0:05:28.860 were not important enough for me to show up. Something 0:05:28.900 --> 0:05:35.570 better came along. People leave. You are disposable. That is 0:05:35.610 --> 0:05:40.050 what I hear when someone says, I can't make it. Or, 0:05:40.430 --> 0:05:45.540 hey babe, Something came up, so sorry, but let's grab 0:05:45.560 --> 0:05:50.200 dinner soon. I hear, you mean nothing to me. When 0:05:50.260 --> 0:05:52.680 someone tells me that they're too hungover to do something, 0:05:53.600 --> 0:05:56.170 I hear, it was more important for me to get 0:05:56.210 --> 0:05:58.130 drunk last night than it. 0:05:58.110 --> 0:06:01.070 Was to show up for you. I hear, I'd. 0:06:02.790 --> 0:06:05.830 Rather be home in my bed than be with you. 0:06:07.830 --> 0:06:09.599 And I don't know if that's just my abandonment wounds 0:06:09.900 --> 0:06:13.320 talking or if that's everyone, but that is what I 0:06:13.360 --> 0:06:18.020 hear And I am very aware that someone's intention when 0:06:18.060 --> 0:06:21.020 they bail is not necessarily to make me feel disposable. 0:06:21.960 --> 0:06:26.680 But intention and impact are two very different things. Your 0:06:26.720 --> 0:06:30.060 reason for having to bail could be completely valid. But 0:06:30.779 --> 0:06:34.700 my pain is also completely valid. Those two things, unfortunately, 0:06:34.750 --> 0:06:38.330 can coexist. And just because someone doesn't intend to hurt 0:06:38.350 --> 0:06:41.720 you doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. And honestly, I 0:06:41.740 --> 0:06:43.800 think that's such a fucking cop-out too when someone says that, 0:06:43.839 --> 0:06:47.050 when they're like, you know, that wasn't my intention. It's like, okay, well, 0:06:47.870 --> 0:06:50.710 that's almost worse to me. Because then it's like you 0:06:50.750 --> 0:06:53.930 didn't consider anything. You didn't consider the impact. You did 0:06:53.970 --> 0:06:58.650 not consider how this would affect me. And that laziness 0:06:58.710 --> 0:07:03.510 and that lack of consideration is even more disappointing and hurtful. 0:07:03.529 --> 0:07:05.490 I'd almost rather you try to hurt me. 0:07:06.290 --> 0:07:09.180 And a lot of times when people bail, they justify 0:07:09.210 --> 0:07:12.940 it in their heads. Inherently, they know it's wrong. They 0:07:13.000 --> 0:07:16.980 were raised to stick to the plans that they committed to. 0:07:18.100 --> 0:07:22.680 So because of that, they have to find a reason 0:07:22.780 --> 0:07:24.600 to make themselves feel better about hurting you. 0:07:25.400 --> 0:07:27.950 In their head, they say, it's just dinner. 0:07:28.930 --> 0:07:31.370 But more often than not, they are not thinking about 0:07:31.470 --> 0:07:36.530 what just dinner entails. You are canceling the plan. I 0:07:36.570 --> 0:07:39.500 am absorbing the cost of the plan. And the cost 0:07:39.510 --> 0:07:43.220 doesn't always have to be monetary. Maybe you cleared your 0:07:43.260 --> 0:07:49.180 entire schedule to prepare for dinner. Maybe you went out 0:07:49.220 --> 0:07:51.260 and bought a new outfit that you were really excited about. 0:07:52.080 --> 0:07:55.000 Maybe you put in effort in cooking. Maybe you put 0:07:55.040 --> 0:08:00.390 effort in making the reservation. Maybe you rearranged your weekend schedule. 0:08:00.430 --> 0:08:03.630 Maybe you said no to another invitation so that you 0:08:03.670 --> 0:08:07.970 could make this dinner. Just this dinner. Maybe you cleaned 0:08:07.990 --> 0:08:15.240 your apartment. maybe emotionally, you were really excited. And then 0:08:15.280 --> 0:08:18.030 suddenly this person that you were really excited to see cancels. 0:08:19.070 --> 0:08:21.150 And then where does that leave you? All I think 0:08:21.190 --> 0:08:24.950 about when I say what I just said is little Emma. 0:08:26.210 --> 0:08:31.140 Is little Emma being so excited for a birthday party 0:08:31.420 --> 0:08:35.559 or for her crush to, you know, finally go to 0:08:35.580 --> 0:08:37.280 the park with her and, you know, hang out and 0:08:38.250 --> 0:08:43.190 that excitement that is so innocent and vulnerable. And then 0:08:43.230 --> 0:08:45.650 it's just ripped out from under you and it turns 0:08:45.770 --> 0:08:50.650 to disappointment. And ultimately that is what excitement is. Excitement 0:08:50.960 --> 0:08:57.000 is allowing yourself to be vulnerable because you know that 0:08:57.020 --> 0:09:00.160 it could end up in disappointment, but you're allowing yourself 0:09:00.320 --> 0:09:04.380 to get excited anyway. So when you take a risk 0:09:04.500 --> 0:09:08.170 like that and then someone lets you down, It could 0:09:08.190 --> 0:09:11.069 be fucking heartbreaking. And I think that is the unavoidable 0:09:11.290 --> 0:09:16.710 impact of being bailed on. It's the disappointment that your 0:09:17.270 --> 0:09:21.400 inner child feels, the one who just wanted to be included. 0:09:22.720 --> 0:09:24.940 At least that's how it is for me. My abandonment 0:09:24.960 --> 0:09:27.920 wounds started when I was a kid. And I had 0:09:27.940 --> 0:09:30.540 a lot of people bail. I had a lot of friends. 0:09:32.059 --> 0:09:32.560 Leave me. 0:09:32.700 --> 0:09:37.260 And I learned at a very young age that people leave. 0:09:38.140 --> 0:09:42.160 people don't show up not everyone but people enough people 0:09:42.990 --> 0:09:47.630 to make me fear being left and often you know 0:09:47.670 --> 0:09:52.010 I wonder why it happens to me so often why 0:09:52.070 --> 0:09:54.650 it feels like this happens to me more often than 0:09:54.670 --> 0:09:57.489 it does my friends and it's not lost on me 0:09:57.510 --> 0:09:59.610 that I make myself very susceptible to it because I 0:09:59.610 --> 0:10:03.040 am constantly putting myself out there by either making plans 0:10:03.100 --> 0:10:06.220 or throwing a party, hosting, like that is my love language. 0:10:06.559 --> 0:10:09.210 Acts of service is my love language. Hosting is my 0:10:09.250 --> 0:10:09.750 love language. 0:10:10.370 --> 0:10:15.329 So I do expose myself to disappointment quite often. But 0:10:15.450 --> 0:10:18.530 I do also think to myself, why does this always 0:10:18.590 --> 0:10:21.400 happen to me? And the funny thing about that question, 0:10:22.340 --> 0:10:25.900 about asking yourself, why does this always happen to me? 0:10:27.200 --> 0:10:30.800 Is I think that it's a really good time for 0:10:30.840 --> 0:10:36.980 some self-reflection, from taking the finger and turning it back 0:10:37.020 --> 0:10:44.210 on ourselves. Because if it always happens to you, that 0:10:44.250 --> 0:10:47.290 means that you're the common denominator, no? And because I 0:10:47.309 --> 0:10:50.480 think that way, I tend to blame myself for other 0:10:50.500 --> 0:10:54.540 people's shortcomings, which is why people canceling on me and 0:10:54.600 --> 0:10:57.540 bailing on me is so painful. And there have been 0:10:57.570 --> 0:11:00.280 a few times recently where it's happened and it has 0:11:00.330 --> 0:11:04.010 been the most painful it has ever been. And, you know, 0:11:04.030 --> 0:11:07.270 I've been thinking about doing this episode. It's been on 0:11:07.290 --> 0:11:11.689 my list of upcoming ones. And these couple instances that 0:11:11.710 --> 0:11:13.890 happened finally just made me be like, fuck it, I'm 0:11:13.910 --> 0:11:14.470 doing this episode. 0:11:15.350 --> 0:11:19.030 All the way up until last night really prompted me 0:11:19.290 --> 0:11:19.689 to do this. 0:11:20.590 --> 0:11:24.930 But the most impactful one that I want to share 0:11:24.970 --> 0:11:27.809 as an example today, I may have mentioned it in 0:11:27.850 --> 0:11:32.710 a couple other episodes, but it very much is the 0:11:32.770 --> 0:11:35.130 epitome of today's episode. And we'll put it in a 0:11:35.710 --> 0:11:38.150 pretty little package for you with a bow. But essentially, 0:11:38.550 --> 0:11:43.520 about a year ago, it was October, I was planning 0:11:43.600 --> 0:11:45.790 a little witchy dinner for my friends and I. 0:11:46.820 --> 0:11:49.280 I love Halloween. That's my secret. I love all things horror. Whatever. 0:11:49.420 --> 0:11:49.660 Whatever. 0:11:50.300 --> 0:11:54.690 And I was living with Mr. Right then. So we 0:11:54.710 --> 0:11:55.610 had a beautiful apartment. 0:11:55.630 --> 0:11:58.490 You know, we had this long eight foot dining table 0:11:58.530 --> 0:12:02.189 that I just loved having people over to sit at. 0:12:02.390 --> 0:12:04.590 And I loved cooking dinner for him and I and 0:12:04.650 --> 0:12:07.069 setting the table, tables, all the things. So I was 0:12:07.270 --> 0:12:09.420 hosting this dinner just to bring some people together. It 0:12:09.429 --> 0:12:11.459 was going to be a small dinner, but six people, 0:12:11.820 --> 0:12:14.160 you know, six of my girlfriends. And I asked Mr. 0:12:14.200 --> 0:12:15.900 Right then, I was like, can you please leave the 0:12:15.920 --> 0:12:18.260 apartment for the night? Like go out to dinner with 0:12:18.280 --> 0:12:20.770 your friends so I can do this. He said, yes, 0:12:20.890 --> 0:12:26.929 no problem. And I made an invitation. I sent it out, 0:12:26.950 --> 0:12:30.190 you know, a couple of weeks in advance. I had 0:12:30.210 --> 0:12:32.990 everyone in a group chat. We were gonna order in 0:12:33.070 --> 0:12:35.829 dinner and then I was gonna make some appetizers and 0:12:36.270 --> 0:12:42.080 also make dessert because we were also celebrating my 100K 0:12:42.620 --> 0:12:44.260 of the podcast on Instagram. 0:12:45.000 --> 0:12:46.740 So I was really excited. I was really looking forward 0:12:46.760 --> 0:12:47.060 to this. 0:12:47.480 --> 0:12:51.530 And also, if you've been here, you know that October 0:12:51.670 --> 0:12:55.390 last year was the time in which Mr. Right Then 0:12:55.429 --> 0:12:57.910 and I were going through our breakup. Started, you know, 0:12:58.270 --> 0:13:01.600 September 18th and went all the way to November 1. 0:13:01.600 --> 0:13:03.319 So I needed this. 0:13:04.340 --> 0:13:07.359 I really needed this dinner and I wanted to be 0:13:07.380 --> 0:13:09.140 around my friends, the people that I loved. I wanted 0:13:09.179 --> 0:13:12.579 to have something to celebrate, focus on the good in 0:13:12.620 --> 0:13:17.390 my life rather than the bad. And I went all in. 0:13:18.630 --> 0:13:24.490 I put so much effort into this dinner. I did 0:13:24.650 --> 0:13:29.829 beautiful tablescaping. I hung taper candles from the ceiling with 0:13:29.850 --> 0:13:33.270 a fishing line, just like in Harry Potter with all 0:13:33.290 --> 0:13:34.130 the candles. 0:13:33.770 --> 0:13:34.510 In the dining hall. 0:13:35.410 --> 0:13:38.069 I got individual pumpkins for everyone for the place setting. 0:13:38.090 --> 0:13:43.080 I got big candelabras and I got black candles and 0:13:43.100 --> 0:13:46.020 I had a color scheme for the whole thing. 0:13:46.040 --> 0:13:48.280 And I think. 0:13:48.140 --> 0:13:50.870 The day before, two days before, I asked everyone, what 0:13:50.880 --> 0:13:52.490 they wanted from the restaurant we were going to order 0:13:52.510 --> 0:13:54.790 from for dinner. Because, you know, I didn't want to 0:13:55.790 --> 0:13:59.070 go too crazy, even though I went really crazy with 0:13:59.090 --> 0:14:03.150 the decor. And I think I made three appetizers. And 0:14:03.170 --> 0:14:07.960 the dessert I made was this brownie in martini glasses. 0:14:08.020 --> 0:14:10.059 And I made it look like an espresso martini because 0:14:10.100 --> 0:14:13.580 I love espresso martini. And I put 100K on one 0:14:13.600 --> 0:14:15.660 of them. So that could be mine and I was 0:14:15.679 --> 0:14:18.800 going to put a candle in it. And I took 0:14:18.840 --> 0:14:22.730 the whole day to decorate. I went up to Midtown 0:14:22.770 --> 0:14:23.670 to go to Trader Joe's. 0:14:23.690 --> 0:14:24.990 I got all these, you know, whatever. 0:14:25.010 --> 0:14:27.870 And it was very taxing on my body to do. 0:14:28.210 --> 0:14:30.109 Everything was really heavy. It was hard to do in 0:14:30.130 --> 0:14:31.950 the city if you have ever done grocery shopping in 0:14:31.970 --> 0:14:35.050 the city. And I got back and I'm standing on 0:14:35.070 --> 0:14:36.750 the table and I'm hanging the things. I'm doing it 0:14:37.010 --> 0:14:40.070 all by myself. Everyone was going to arrive at 6 p.m. 0:14:40.750 --> 0:14:44.600 And unfortunately, Mr. Wright then decided to have a liquid lunch. 0:14:45.560 --> 0:14:47.560 So he came in at 5 p.m. and he was 0:14:47.800 --> 0:14:51.330 blacked out. And I was really upset because I was like, 0:14:51.590 --> 0:14:53.530 I asked you to do one thing. I asked you 0:14:53.550 --> 0:14:56.390 to go out to dinner with your friends. And now 0:14:56.470 --> 0:14:58.510 I don't even feel comfortable sending you out into the 0:14:58.550 --> 0:15:03.810 world because you are this drunk. So one girl had 0:15:03.870 --> 0:15:06.480 showed up at that point and she saw him that way. 0:15:06.530 --> 0:15:08.930 And I was really embarrassed and I was just doubled 0:15:08.960 --> 0:15:10.940 down on how I was feeling about our relationship. So 0:15:11.040 --> 0:15:13.380 it was just like upsetting right off the bat. But 0:15:13.400 --> 0:15:16.670 I was still looking forward to the night. He ended 0:15:16.710 --> 0:15:17.109 up leaving. 0:15:17.390 --> 0:15:18.790 We kind of fought. And I was like, whatever, you're 0:15:18.810 --> 0:15:21.200 an adult. Go. Go to the dinner. Go do your thing. 0:15:21.600 --> 0:15:22.180 So he left. 0:15:22.580 --> 0:15:29.000 And it was like 30 minutes from everyone arriving. And 0:15:29.020 --> 0:15:32.350 then it came time for everyone to arrive. And then 0:15:32.350 --> 0:15:36.210 30 minutes passed, the time for everyone to arrive. And 0:15:36.230 --> 0:15:37.970 it was still just me and my one friend, Brittany, 0:15:38.030 --> 0:15:45.500 just sitting there. And then an hour went by. My 0:15:45.620 --> 0:15:49.490 six person dinner that was supposed to be beautiful and 0:15:49.630 --> 0:15:52.310 lovely and full of celebration and happiness. 0:15:53.430 --> 0:15:57.910 Ended up being me and one other person. Everyone bailed. 0:16:00.650 --> 0:16:09.140 I was devastated, heartbroken, devastated. I couldn't help but cry. 0:16:11.180 --> 0:16:15.040 I felt so alone and terrible and all I wanted 0:16:15.080 --> 0:16:17.859 to do was celebrate the season, celebrate myself, celebrate the 0:16:17.900 --> 0:16:21.720 success of the podcast. It hit me like a ton 0:16:21.740 --> 0:16:30.670 of bricks in that moment specifically that 100,000 people had 0:16:30.810 --> 0:16:34.630 showed up to support me online. People that don't even 0:16:34.650 --> 0:16:39.800 know me. But five of my closest friends couldn't even 0:16:40.120 --> 0:16:41.240 show up for me in real life. 0:16:42.620 --> 0:16:43.040 Just five. 0:16:47.940 --> 0:16:51.680 And at the same time, Mr. Right then had just 0:16:51.940 --> 0:16:53.400 let me know that he did not want to choose 0:16:53.420 --> 0:16:55.860 me either. And he was not showing up for me 0:16:55.880 --> 0:16:57.880 in the way that I wanted him to in our relationship. 0:16:57.960 --> 0:17:07.909 And he was bailing on that. It was One of 0:17:07.930 --> 0:17:12.149 the lowest moments I had, and it should have been 0:17:12.210 --> 0:17:15.630 one of the highest. I was quite literally sitting there 0:17:15.810 --> 0:17:19.649 crying hysterically on the floor. And at the time, I 0:17:20.130 --> 0:17:21.850 think that's where I felt like I belonged. 0:17:23.030 --> 0:17:23.430 On the floor. 0:17:24.540 --> 0:17:26.390 Because that's where it felt like I stood in these 0:17:27.600 --> 0:17:32.120 people's lives. And part of me even felt insanely guilty 0:17:32.340 --> 0:17:35.080 about being upset in front of my friend Brittany because 0:17:35.640 --> 0:17:36.330 she did show up. 0:17:37.430 --> 0:17:39.210 She was there. She came from the Upper East Side 0:17:39.250 --> 0:17:39.899 to fight I. 0:17:42.340 --> 0:17:44.760 And I didn't want to make her feel like she 0:17:44.800 --> 0:17:52.159 wasn't enough in a moment that I felt like a 0:17:52.320 --> 0:17:57.940 worthless piece of shit to my friends. I was still 0:17:57.960 --> 0:18:01.459 concerned about how it made her feel. I'm not trying 0:18:01.480 --> 0:18:03.280 to like brag or anything that I'm such a good person, 0:18:03.300 --> 0:18:06.300 but like it's a testament to me. and how much 0:18:06.340 --> 0:18:08.210 I care about people and how much effort I put in. 0:18:09.100 --> 0:18:14.560 Whatever each of their excuse was, none of it to 0:18:14.619 --> 0:18:19.879 me was justifiable to make me, their friend, feel the 0:18:19.920 --> 0:18:22.760 way they made me feel. It takes a lot for 0:18:22.800 --> 0:18:26.980 me to stop and celebrate myself. And I was making 0:18:27.020 --> 0:18:28.780 myself do it because I was really proud. You know, 0:18:28.800 --> 0:18:33.240 it was 100K in under a year. the hardest year 0:18:33.260 --> 0:18:35.040 of my life because it was also the year that 0:18:35.300 --> 0:18:36.419 Unhinged was taken from me. 0:18:37.540 --> 0:18:38.720 And I had to go out on my own. 0:18:38.740 --> 0:18:47.379 Imagine that, I was left again. Like, it just, it 0:18:47.400 --> 0:18:53.740 was really fucking terrible. But to them, it was just dinner. 0:18:55.240 --> 0:18:59.470 And to me, it is never just dinner. One of 0:18:59.510 --> 0:19:02.290 the girls, she was texting me and she was just like, 0:19:02.830 --> 0:19:04.189 you know, she kept being late, late, late, late, late. 0:19:04.250 --> 0:19:06.470 And I finally got to like 930. And I was like, dude, like, 0:19:06.570 --> 0:19:09.510 what the fuck? And she was like, well, I didn't 0:19:09.530 --> 0:19:11.750 know there was a hard start time. And I was like, 0:19:13.390 --> 0:19:18.060 it's dinner for six people. And part of me thought I'll, 0:19:18.220 --> 0:19:20.720 you know, just be upset and not say anything and 0:19:20.740 --> 0:19:23.220 not make her feel bad. But then in that moment, 0:19:23.240 --> 0:19:24.719 I was like, actually, fuck you. You deserve to feel 0:19:24.760 --> 0:19:27.710 bad too. So I took a photo of the setup 0:19:28.270 --> 0:19:29.389 and I said, I wasn't going to do this, but 0:19:29.430 --> 0:19:32.719 I just want to let you know What actually went 0:19:32.760 --> 0:19:37.710 on behind the scenes of Just Dinner? And the second 0:19:37.730 --> 0:19:39.070 I sent that to her, she was like, I'm on 0:19:39.090 --> 0:19:42.909 my way. So she and one of the other girls, 0:19:43.190 --> 0:19:45.730 because they were together, they did end up coming, but 0:19:45.750 --> 0:19:46.770 they came at 10 p.m. 0:19:48.290 --> 0:19:49.969 And we didn't even end up having dinner. 0:19:50.270 --> 0:19:54.240 Because Brittany and I felt stupid for like ordering in 0:19:54.280 --> 0:19:56.869 food when I had three appetizers for just her and I. 0:19:58.100 --> 0:20:02.060 So we just ate those and dinner didn't happen. But 0:20:02.500 --> 0:20:03.330 the other two girls showed up. 0:20:03.680 --> 0:20:04.180 We had dessert. 0:20:04.800 --> 0:20:07.139 And I didn't let it ruin my night because they 0:20:07.180 --> 0:20:08.960 did end up showing up and I was grateful for that. 0:20:09.859 --> 0:20:14.020 It was just the four of the six and, you know, whatever. 0:20:14.900 --> 0:20:18.120 My takeaway from it all was that none of them 0:20:18.200 --> 0:20:23.400 stopped to think how painful not showing up for someone 0:20:23.580 --> 0:20:31.680 who spent three days creating something for them worth showing 0:20:31.720 --> 0:20:32.010 up for. 0:20:32.030 --> 0:20:36.310 They didn't think about that. And I was like, wow, 0:20:37.510 --> 0:20:41.189 I'm not considered. That's what it told me. So that 0:20:41.210 --> 0:20:43.070 was a year ago. And it's not like I haven't 0:20:43.090 --> 0:20:44.210 gotten over it. I have. 0:20:44.710 --> 0:20:47.129 I'm still friends with all those people except one, but 0:20:47.170 --> 0:20:50.270 that's for a different reason. Sorry for another day. But 0:20:50.750 --> 0:20:52.870 I got over it. But I just wanted to tell 0:20:52.910 --> 0:20:56.379 the story because it epitomizes everything I'm saying right now. 0:20:57.619 --> 0:20:59.520 And it happened to me again a couple weeks ago 0:21:00.680 --> 0:21:04.859 with a different group, different situation, but I was hosting 0:21:04.900 --> 0:21:06.159 everyone at my beach house. There was supposed to be 0:21:06.180 --> 0:21:08.470 nine of us. I got gift bags for everyone. I 0:21:08.510 --> 0:21:11.210 reached out to brands. I got like, you know, gifting. 0:21:12.250 --> 0:21:15.170 I put little like survival packs together in everyone's room. 0:21:15.190 --> 0:21:17.939 I did room assignments. I put so much effort in. 0:21:19.580 --> 0:21:23.140 Four people showed up of nine for a three-day trip 0:21:23.160 --> 0:21:26.399 that I was extending to most of the people who 0:21:26.440 --> 0:21:26.800 I just met. 0:21:28.580 --> 0:21:28.980 And I. 0:21:31.740 --> 0:21:33.980 Really tried to not let it bother me. I don't 0:21:34.060 --> 0:21:37.060 think I showed it. very much to the four that 0:21:37.100 --> 0:21:39.600 did show up. And I made it very clear to them, 0:21:39.780 --> 0:21:41.800 like how grateful I was that they did show up. 0:21:41.880 --> 0:21:44.669 And I was just like, I'll just never invite these 0:21:44.710 --> 0:21:47.630 people again. You know, they're new friends. So maybe that's 0:21:47.690 --> 0:21:49.450 on me that I put so much faith in them. 0:21:49.630 --> 0:21:52.050 But I think this is the problem. This is what 0:21:52.070 --> 0:21:54.090 I want to talk about today is that people just 0:21:54.109 --> 0:21:57.590 have normalized this. I extended an invitation to my home. 0:21:59.630 --> 0:22:00.290 Five people bailed. 0:22:01.580 --> 0:22:03.260 And like I said, when the start of the episode, 0:22:03.280 --> 0:22:06.970 I was bailed on last night too. with a date 0:22:08.230 --> 0:22:11.250 two hours before. And I had already done my makeup 0:22:12.410 --> 0:22:15.129 and I was meeting up with a friend for a 0:22:15.150 --> 0:22:18.610 drink before. So that's why I did my makeup early. 0:22:18.650 --> 0:22:22.300 But like 5 p.m. is when I found out that 0:22:22.460 --> 0:22:24.140 the date was being canceled. And I was just like, 0:22:27.660 --> 0:22:29.540 I'm just sick and tired of being disposable to people. 0:22:30.020 --> 0:22:32.300 You know, all these are different relationships. So last night 0:22:32.320 --> 0:22:35.300 was obviously romantic. The other day it was a new friendship. 0:22:35.359 --> 0:22:37.429 They were new friendships. And the one last year was 0:22:37.450 --> 0:22:42.730 my best friend's. So somehow, all different relationships, all different 0:22:42.750 --> 0:22:48.270 stages of my life, all different scenarios, yet it still happens. 0:22:49.150 --> 0:22:50.300 And it really hurts just the same. 0:22:51.100 --> 0:22:54.020 And what I've realized is that there is no solve 0:22:54.800 --> 0:22:58.160 for people's tendency to bail. The only solve is to 0:22:58.560 --> 0:23:02.180 not host, not bring people together, not plan the dinner. 0:23:03.020 --> 0:23:05.040 And that is just something that I am not willing 0:23:05.180 --> 0:23:07.610 to quit. That is a part of my DNA. That's 0:23:07.650 --> 0:23:11.170 who I am. I love doing that. And I won't 0:23:11.210 --> 0:23:14.570 let everyone else being a fucking shithead stop me from 0:23:14.609 --> 0:23:18.730 doing what I love. There is a luxury in being 0:23:18.770 --> 0:23:22.909