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Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay Dot in a production of My Heart

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Speaker 1: Radis Ladies and Gentlemen, Jill Scott presents Jay Dot Ill

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Speaker 1: with my sister friends A je and and I'm Jill Scott. Okay, okay,

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Speaker 1: mm hmm. Having one of those days, ladies and gentlemen. Oh,

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Speaker 1: today we're gonna talk. Okay, We're gonna talk about the

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Speaker 1: thin line between loving you and loving me, and specifically

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Speaker 1: what we mean here is the thin line between loving

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Speaker 1: our black men and loving ourselves. Let's go. So, the

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Speaker 1: main thing for me is just the fact that being

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Speaker 1: in relationship with black men is a form of us

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Speaker 1: kind of stepping up and doing our kind of revolution work,

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Speaker 1: and loving black men is part of that. Being able

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Speaker 1: to give a black person love and nurturing is a

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Speaker 1: part of is a revolutionary act. Loving black people, black

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Speaker 1: people loving themselves. However, it's a particular situation for us

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Speaker 1: as black women because we also really put ourselves on

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Speaker 1: the line and make it very difficult to love ourselves

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Speaker 1: in that situation because we find ourselves protecting them because

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Speaker 1: they are at risk, but we put ourselves at risk

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Speaker 1: protecting our men. I think that we've fallen into a

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Speaker 1: terrible trip where we in order like like what you said,

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Speaker 1: like in order to protect them, and we're looking at

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Speaker 1: them as a whole, you know, instead of an individual.

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Speaker 1: This guy, what did we say before uh did me

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Speaker 1: a disservice? Or this? What did we say? Was the

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Speaker 1: line talking about that we were talking about this guy

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Speaker 1: wronged me? Wronged me? Yeah, we didn't need to be specific.

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Speaker 1: When we're looking at black men. We're looking as this

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Speaker 1: gigantic whole. And we don't want to obviously, we don't

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Speaker 1: want to see anybody in prison. We know that these

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Speaker 1: are this is somebody's son. I'm a mother to a son,

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Speaker 1: you know, and AGA's mother to a son as well,

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Speaker 1: and we don't want to be that person that puts

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Speaker 1: another black man behind bars. However, because we don't have

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Speaker 1: street justice like we used to, where you could say

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Speaker 1: to your cousin and them go whoop his motherfucking ass

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Speaker 1: because he did this to me, we don't really have

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Speaker 1: that the way we used to. There used to be

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Speaker 1: a certain level of street justice where you could affect somebody,

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Speaker 1: you know. We had the neighborhood pervert. We lived across

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Speaker 1: the street from Dobbins and will be playing and fiddling

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Speaker 1: with itself. You know when all the girls walk by.

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Speaker 1: You know that was a conversation. You could go to

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Speaker 1: your elders and say, hey, listen, elders. By that, I

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Speaker 1: just mean the grown up men in the neighborhood and

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Speaker 1: say hey, um so and so across the streets acting

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Speaker 1: real crazy. You know. I saw him with his beatings

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Speaker 1: out and he's playing with himself behind the column. When

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Speaker 1: all the girls come outside, and would they will step

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Speaker 1: to him. They would absolutely step to him, and somebody's

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Speaker 1: ass will be whooped. If I see you outside, Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm watching you, homie. You know what I mean. I

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Speaker 1: don't I don't want to see you talking to nobody.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to see no little girls coming in

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Speaker 1: your house. We're watching you. You know, there was a

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Speaker 1: certain level of of street community justice. We don't really

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Speaker 1: have that anymore, and we're looking as as black women

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Speaker 1: were looking at the hole instead of the individual and

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Speaker 1: that fortunate lot. That has to stop. It just has

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Speaker 1: to stop. You, sir, are accountable for your actions. Your actions.

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Speaker 1: I can't put It's like we've got our minds twisted.

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Speaker 1: Where we put everybody, We're putting all of ourselves in

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Speaker 1: these categories you know, I speak for myself. I speak

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Speaker 1: for a certain you know, amount of black women. I

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Speaker 1: would assume women in general. But at the same time,

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Speaker 1: they have their own voices. They're not me. I am me,

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Speaker 1: So you may agree with me on some things and

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Speaker 1: disagree with me on others. I can't say that I

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Speaker 1: speak for everybody. And I don't think that we as

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Speaker 1: black women have to continue this. I don't think we

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Speaker 1: have to continue this, and I think it's over. I

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Speaker 1: hope that it's all that guy, that guy did me wrong,

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Speaker 1: he wronged me, you understand, Yeah, I mean I think

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Speaker 1: I think in theory it's a situation where yeah, I mean,

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Speaker 1: we definitely shouldn't continue this, But there's so many things

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Speaker 1: that make it complicated. So let's say that guy who

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Speaker 1: did that to you is an important person in the

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Speaker 1: black community, and maybe they've done some really great things.

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Speaker 1: Or let's say that the person who maybe let's say

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Speaker 1: the person didn't wrong you, but they require a high

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Speaker 1: level of emotional labor, and that in labor is associated

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Speaker 1: with his his his his experience with racism. So it's like,

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Speaker 1: I think, sometimes we find ourselves having the same challenges

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Speaker 1: no matter what the scenario. Is because interacting with black

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Speaker 1: men with love it has that extra layer of responsibility

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Speaker 1: for us as black women that then makes are just

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Speaker 1: general existence so that much harder. Yeah, So if I

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Speaker 1: have to expel x amount of emotional labor for you

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Speaker 1: as the one other group of people who cares about

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Speaker 1: you most, right that, then who is doing that for me?

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Speaker 1: And then as black wompen y'all know where we stand

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Speaker 1: in society and with what type of resources we have

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Speaker 1: or lack thereof, So there's no what is that we

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Speaker 1: end up being that for each other? M hm. So

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Speaker 1: I just my thing is that loving black men is

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Speaker 1: a very complicated dance that we are continuing to try

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Speaker 1: to stay up on the beat, but we're we're falling apart.

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Speaker 1: As black women, we are probably just now, in my opinion,

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Speaker 1: having conversations around really preserving ourselves and looking at preserving

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Speaker 1: ourselves as the nation work, whereas not even fifteen years

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Speaker 1: ago we were looking at preserving black men as our

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Speaker 1: nation work. And even still in the social media internet world,

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Speaker 1: you will still hear people say things like black women

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Speaker 1: have more opportunities than black net and black women are

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Speaker 1: doing better than black men are doing. So therefore saying

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Speaker 1: that we didn't have to we deserve less, and that

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Speaker 1: is problematic and not even accurate because that puts a

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Speaker 1: whole another chip on your should as a black woman too,

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Speaker 1: because now it's like, oh, he thinks that too, so

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Speaker 1: now I have to plague him and made him feel

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Speaker 1: It's it's just an interesting cycle. It's it's very challenging.

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Speaker 1: Even when we win, we lose. So how do we

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Speaker 1: approach this idea? Now? How do we get black men

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Speaker 1: to understand that the preservation of the black woman actually

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Speaker 1: right is the nation work we all need to be doing,

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Speaker 1: not just black women. Black women should not be the

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Speaker 1: only people preserving black women. It's hard when we still

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Speaker 1: have to remind people to say black female victims of

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Speaker 1: police vilences and names in the situation is hard. It's

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Speaker 1: like who got us? And we hate to think about

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Speaker 1: it like that because we know the truth. That's like

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Speaker 1: one of those thoughts where you don't want to dive

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Speaker 1: too much into it because it's gonna hurt you. Because

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Speaker 1: you know that I got a few brothers, but I've

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Speaker 1: really got my systems. It hurts, and even think about it,

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Speaker 1: it hurts. This hurts, and and I have to say like,

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Speaker 1: there's some amazing, amazing men that have harmed me, that

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Speaker 1: have wronged me, and I it's very tough because I

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Speaker 1: can't I'm looking at the big picture men that I respect.

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Speaker 1: I'm talking from leaders, Jill. I can only imagine in

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Speaker 1: the in the political arenas, reverence artists that will go

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Speaker 1: on forever. And I've learned now since my last experience

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Speaker 1: year two years ago, I guess it is now since

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Speaker 1: my last experience with a man that was completely inappropriate

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Speaker 1: and just it was astonishing how disrespectful he was, and

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Speaker 1: he tried to make it funny and it wasn't. Um.

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Speaker 1: I've taken now to calling things out immediately, right now,

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Speaker 1: in front of everybody. This is where I am today.

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Speaker 1: The other things that have occurred, I have moved on,

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Speaker 1: and I tread lightly in their area. When I'm around them,

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Speaker 1: I call them as I see them. So every time

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Speaker 1: I see them, I call them what I know them

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Speaker 1: to be. So when I see you know that what's up?

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Speaker 1: Some of them? Yep, Hey, pimping? What's up? Pimping? What's

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Speaker 1: going on? Because I just had this situation not too

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Speaker 1: long ago, I now know that number one, I am

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Speaker 1: going to call it out immediately in front of everybody.

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Speaker 1: I am going to call my brothers. I'm gonna call

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Speaker 1: my good dudes. I'm gonna call my homies and let

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Speaker 1: them know what kind of situation I'm in so they

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Speaker 1: could step to this dude. And if it continues in

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Speaker 1: any way, shape or form, then I have to go further.

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Speaker 1: I have to because I've done all of my due diligence.

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Speaker 1: I've talked to you personally. I'm going to my I

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Speaker 1: guess what you want to call my my bosses or

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Speaker 1: my superiors or you know, executive producers or whatever you

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Speaker 1: have the networks. I've done those things, and and now

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Speaker 1: I got to call my homies. And if you still

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Speaker 1: want to get nasty, you still want to be disrespectful,

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Speaker 1: you still want to act like you don't know how

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Speaker 1: to be professional or respectful, then I have to go further.

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Speaker 1: And what does further mean? That means I have to

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Speaker 1: address it legally because you don't know how to act.

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Speaker 1: That means you have a problem. That means something is

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Speaker 1: wrong with you and you're you're no good in this society,

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Speaker 1: You're no good here. It just felt like we were

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Speaker 1: going into this space and like the protection of black women,

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Speaker 1: which is a very scary conversation for me to have

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Speaker 1: because it really forces you to be open about your experiences.

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Speaker 1: And I was gonna ask you all. For me, it's

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Speaker 1: more about not just those interactions on a one on

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Speaker 1: one with a brother, but then when that happens in

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Speaker 1: front of other brothers that you are friends that love you,

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Speaker 1: because I've been in way too many situations with brothers

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Speaker 1: that we know. I remember I had one dude tell

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Speaker 1: me he was going to smack the sh out of

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Speaker 1: me right and I was in my face backstage of

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Speaker 1: the Electric Factory everybody that's a performance venue in Philadelphia,

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, okay, I want you to do this

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Speaker 1: that I wish that you went. But at the time

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Speaker 1: it was like a lot of people that we know

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Speaker 1: and loved it. And even still when I didn't know

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Speaker 1: if they exactly saw what he said and I brought

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Speaker 1: it back up to these brothers that we know and love,

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Speaker 1: it was like, Wow, you know, he's he's a legend.

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Speaker 1: I really respect. You know. That's the O G. And

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Speaker 1: you know that's the you know and you know, and

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Speaker 1: there's been other situations, even for me being a producer

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Speaker 1: of a night show on a radio show with with men,

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Speaker 1: a hip hop radio show and opening the door for

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Speaker 1: artists and stuff like that, and just not feeling it's

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Speaker 1: just not feeling protected amongst those men. Like Jill, I'm

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Speaker 1: in this in this conversation, I was kind of jealous

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Speaker 1: that you have somebody to call, because, to be honest,

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Speaker 1: I don't know who I have. I can't depend on

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Speaker 1: any more of the men that love me and know

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Speaker 1: me that they would have my back all the time

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Speaker 1: in those situations. It's been too many times when I've

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Speaker 1: improved otherwise. Uh, and here and this is this is

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Speaker 1: where we're at. Is that And I'm glad you brought

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Speaker 1: this upl here because it's not just about the actions

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Speaker 1: of individual black men, it's also about how they are

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Speaker 1: perceived and received by the men around them. Because we

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Speaker 1: talked about the old school justice and it's like, well,

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Speaker 1: how is it can't even be implemented, right, it can't

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Speaker 1: because there's not enough Who is this man that did it?

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Speaker 1: Do I know him? You know it's right? Or you

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Speaker 1: have a situation where it may even come into play

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Speaker 1: where it's like, well, why are you trying to tear

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Speaker 1: a brother down? Girl? He was just playing. But what

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Speaker 1: about he was just playing. If you have a critique

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Speaker 1: of a black man, you are somehow trying to bring

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Speaker 1: him down, talk bad about him, ruin his legacy, all

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Speaker 1: of this kind of craziness. And my thing is this,

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Speaker 1: I would love to have a conversation with black men

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Speaker 1: about Hey, listen, what what critique? What critique can you take?

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Speaker 1: Not that I give a ship, because honestly, I don't

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Speaker 1: know what kind of critique you can or cannot take

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Speaker 1: that program I have scratched my name off. I will

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Speaker 1: speak truth. I will speak truth to power, no matter

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Speaker 1: what color it is. So that's period. I am absolutely

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Speaker 1: clear that my liberation is tied to theirs. So I

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Speaker 1: don't actually love black men when I keep allowing them

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Speaker 1: to be partners in their own bullshit. I'm not doing that.

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Speaker 1: That's not the nation work I'm interested in. So I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I'm cool with that. So either you if you want

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Speaker 1: to call me all type the names, you can call

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Speaker 1: me whatever names you want to. You could say whatever

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Speaker 1: you want about me. But one thing is this, if

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Speaker 1: the comfort, if the comfort I find is only in

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Speaker 1: the experiences and the empathy of my sisters, didn't you

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Speaker 1: just proving me right. Listen, just real quick fast story

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Speaker 1: when I was producing a night show in Philly and

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Speaker 1: my girlfriend was assistant to the head boss and she

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Speaker 1: was the only chick there and all the dudes from

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Speaker 1: the radio station was there. It was late night or whatever.

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Speaker 1: She called me crying, she said, girl, this super popular,

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Speaker 1: gonna be legendary for the rest of his life. Rapper

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Speaker 1: just smacked me on the ass in front of everybody,

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Speaker 1: in front of that coworker, that coworking, that coworking. What

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Speaker 1: what they do, girl, nothing. I'm the one to put

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Speaker 1: my tennis shoes on roll the funk up there, and

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Speaker 1: was like, what we're doing. It's fucking ten niggers in here,

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Speaker 1: and y'all watch this ship happened. You ain't gonna say

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Speaker 1: nothing because he is who he is. I'm sorry. I'm

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Speaker 1: just saying the ship is. It's it's it's so frustrating.

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Speaker 1: It's so frustrating, but I think it's it's one of

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Speaker 1: those who It's like the way that I addressed my

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Speaker 1: son and I'm I am no grown men's mother. I'm

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Speaker 1: just this one boy's mother and a couple of you know,

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Speaker 1: godmother's to other and aunties to others, and I'm just like,

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Speaker 1: you have to be held accountable. You have to apologize,

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Speaker 1: you have to check yourself. You have to acknowledge that

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Speaker 1: you're wrong, that you're wrong. I can move forward from that.

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Speaker 1: I can move forward with you. If you acknowledge that

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Speaker 1: you're wrong and apologize, I'll take a public apology. I'm

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Speaker 1: okay with that. That's cool, you know, I mean, well,

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Speaker 1: the patriarch is strong. It is so at the end

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Speaker 1: of the day, a lot of men are just going

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Speaker 1: on the ways in which they were taught and program

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Speaker 1: and pushed to understand and take a man word over

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Speaker 1: a woman's word to protect the maleness before they protect

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Speaker 1: the woman nous. It's just part of the way that

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Speaker 1: we're all programmed. And really, at the end of the day,

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Speaker 1: who do I always blame? Who fault? Is it the

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Speaker 1: big ws? It's white supremacy at the end of the day,

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Speaker 1: because we are all just imitating the value systems that

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Speaker 1: we get from that. I mean, that's just that's we're

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Speaker 1: inundated with it. So black men, I this is just

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Speaker 1: my opinion, are gonna have to understand the big P word.

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Speaker 1: Black men really need a nice two or three day

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Speaker 1: retreat where they understand what patriarchy is and how they're

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Speaker 1: complicit in it. Black men are gonna have to have

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Speaker 1: that moment where they realize that this is a part

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Speaker 1: of them, of of the attack on them, but that's

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Speaker 1: part of it. And so if they're not willing to

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Speaker 1: have that conversation and really see how those things are mean,

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Speaker 1: it's a language in which will never really speaking the

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Speaker 1: same language. Moono Fresh had had you know, went viral

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Speaker 1: in and of or of it was like a year

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Speaker 1: ago or more where she talked about being a black

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Speaker 1: woman is literally like being a is being black two times,

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Speaker 1: because it's like you're dealing with racism and sexism in

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Speaker 1: the same vein all the time, all of the time.

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Speaker 1: So the conversation with you is unique. You cannot have

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Speaker 1: a conversation about black women and just talk to black men.

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Speaker 1: You can't have a conversation about black women and just

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Speaker 1: talk to white women. You have to talk to black

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Speaker 1: women because our experience is the unique one. It is

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Speaker 1: the one in which you will understand all of them

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Speaker 1: within us. Anna Julia Cooper, I'm a quote hurt, she said,

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Speaker 1: as a black woman, I'm the only person who can

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Speaker 1: walk in the room and bring the entire race with men.

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Speaker 1: You can't to have a discussion about black liberation. And

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Speaker 1: I talked about liberating black women, and you can't talk

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Speaker 1: about liberating black women if you don't hold black men accountable,

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Speaker 1: can't do it, won't happen. That's what we want. I

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Speaker 1: do what I'm scared. I told agent, I'm scared to

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Speaker 1: hold black men accountable in front of company. And I

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Speaker 1: know it's wrong to even say that out loud, but

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Speaker 1: it's something in my mind. I just sometimes I just

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Speaker 1: want us to have meetings ourselves first and get our

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Speaker 1: messaging right, and then we can go out there and

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Speaker 1: you know it supposed toff. I just I want us

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Speaker 1: to get our messaging right. I wanted to get our

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Speaker 1: house clean before we if somebody come in. There's no

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Speaker 1: amount of censorship that's gonna make white people less racis.

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Speaker 1: We can't keep thinking that our sensitivity is going to

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Speaker 1: protect black men from racist white people. It's not. I

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Speaker 1: do think that we should have This is idealistic, but

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Speaker 1: it works in other communities. It works in the Jewish community.

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Speaker 1: It works in areas of the Great Continent where there

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Speaker 1: is a tribunal there are people that you know, it's

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Speaker 1: it's their job. They're although their butchers, and you know

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Speaker 1: some are scientists and some are parents, and some are

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Speaker 1: reverence and you know it's it's not about a religion

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Speaker 1: or one distinct faith. It is about holding ourselves accountable

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Speaker 1: outside of public view. It's about I just But then

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Speaker 1: it's when it's hard, because then we gotta do excuse

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Speaker 1: me for giving my truth. Where when you asked, where

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Speaker 1: you're ask gets tax where it matters. People are are

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Speaker 1: less likely to do things if they, you know, are

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Speaker 1: getting text Like what was that movie that Spike Lee

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Speaker 1: did where they kidnaped black people? He was like the

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Speaker 1: executive producer. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. Like to have

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Speaker 1: a drop in every city, in every town where you're

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Speaker 1: held accountable for your dreams. That's the mean. It's a

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Speaker 1: beautiful dream. That's what I want. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: have to send any black men to to jail. I

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Speaker 1: don't want to be a party of black men not

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Speaker 1: getting an opportunity that his talent deserves. But I don't

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Speaker 1: want you to harm me. I don't want you to

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Speaker 1: wrong me. I don't want you to be disrespectful to me.

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Speaker 1: I don't wish you. I don't want to send nobody

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Speaker 1: to prison. I don't even believe my sisters cutting. I

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Speaker 1: might send your ad that's my ship. I'm like, just

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Speaker 1: start sending to the army. Just whatever in fight for whoever,

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Speaker 1: because now it ain't your choice. You didn't did your

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Speaker 1: crime and you don't want to go to jail. Fight

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Speaker 1: for something, do something with your time. I like the

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Speaker 1: idea of tribunal. I think that that's very African. So

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Speaker 1: I'm with anything that's so it goes there before you

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Speaker 1: even call anybody, let me ask, let me put a monkey,

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Speaker 1: Let me put a monkey wrenching, y'all trop you on

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Speaker 1: a real quack, because how're you gonna have a trap

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Speaker 1: on the right when he's gonna go home and tell

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Speaker 1: his wife all his best man so she don't look like, uh,

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Speaker 1: what you gonna do with the ones that that that,

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Speaker 1: what you're gonna do with them? What you're gonna do

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Speaker 1: with down, what you're gonna do with them? Wife can't

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Speaker 1: be you want to drive be on all ship? What

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Speaker 1: she got to do with I'm just saying that she

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Speaker 1: will be a part of this information that was in

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Speaker 1: the community because we had what do you do with

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Speaker 1: the Van Joneses of the world. Listen, I don't care

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Speaker 1: that part of it is cool with me. I'm like, hey, listen,

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Speaker 1: as long as we get the business hands and alright,

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Speaker 1: as long as the business get handled, all right, come

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Speaker 1: now you can come, but you're gonna have to be quiet.

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Speaker 1: Don't go home and tell your wife. Yes I'm calling names.

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Speaker 1: Yes I'm calling names. I'm just saying, girl, you're not

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Speaker 1: about to give us all the way in trouble. I'm sorry.

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Speaker 1: That's that's all this is. Depinions of like ear are

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Speaker 1: strictly depinions of like eah. But I do have concerns

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Speaker 1: over the I'm only calling out the names of black

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Speaker 1: men who are about the cause but aren't only in

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Speaker 1: the work practices. So I'm just saying that your home

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Speaker 1: situation is different. So my whole thing is like this.

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Speaker 1: I don't care who you're married too, long as you

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Speaker 1: protect black women at all costs. Whoever youre there is.

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Speaker 1: My thing is all tied into how you how you operate.

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Speaker 1: It's an interesting challenge, I feel, But yes, I'm with

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Speaker 1: how do how do we dictate accountability? And I love

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Speaker 1: what we're doing here because we're using our imaginations. Were

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Speaker 1: thinking what is the world we want to build? What

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Speaker 1: does it look like? How does it hold people accountable?

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Speaker 1: We're we're thinking about justice. We're thinking about these things.

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Speaker 1: And to me, this is the work. This is the work,

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Speaker 1: not figuring out how we can so our bodies over

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Speaker 1: top of black men and protect them from racism. Like, no,

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Speaker 1: that's not the work. This this is the work for me.

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Speaker 1: In my opinion, it's gonna be the work for them too.

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Speaker 1: It's gonna be it's gonna be. Yeah, well, I'm open

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Speaker 1: to here all. Maybe we need to do that, y'all?

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Speaker 1: Should we? Should we open up? I don't know. It's

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Speaker 1: just not like a series where we're just talking to

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Speaker 1: black man. Then how how do we move forward from here?

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Speaker 1: We'll be back after the break. I have a friend,

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Speaker 1: it lives in a village in South Africa and he's Zulu,

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Speaker 1: and he always talked about the tribunals, how you have

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Speaker 1: to be accountable to other men and this whole process

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Speaker 1: of Uh, it's kind of like about Mitzvah, you know,

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Speaker 1: but you travel up the mountain and they teach you

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Speaker 1: how to cook and how to fight and how to

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Speaker 1: listen and how to make love to a woman, and

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Speaker 1: how to be a man in a in a lot

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Speaker 1: of ways, I guess every way that that counts, how

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Speaker 1: to cry, how to be okay with that? And and

399
00:25:00,119 --> 00:25:02,680
Speaker 1: then they cut your foreskin off with a hot rock

400
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Speaker 1: and then you have to climb down. Yeah yeah, yeah

401
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,440
Speaker 1: yeah yeah. And by the time and by the time

402
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Speaker 1: you get down to home, you are now a man.

403
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Speaker 1: You've gone through the whole process. That was mind blowing

404
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,840
Speaker 1: that this occurred. There are certain things that that he

405
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Speaker 1: would call the white man's not predilection. He would call

406
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Speaker 1: it the white man's perversion. Hm, what what? What? What?

407
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Speaker 1: What would an example of that? Well, he said that

408
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Speaker 1: oral sex was a white man on both sides, both

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Speaker 1: will both ways. Yeah. Yeah that that yeah, that that

410
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:45,720
Speaker 1: was something that we didn't involve ourselves. And I have

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Speaker 1: no idea because sex has been happening since the beginning

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Speaker 1: of sex. So you know, I don't know, but you

413
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Speaker 1: know I just heard those things. You know, the city,

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Speaker 1: they was free, they were real free. I did. Something's

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00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:07,200
Speaker 1: come on now, I'm like, we just we just got

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Speaker 1: on this joint like twenty years ago. So it's very possible,

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Speaker 1: right right, right? Truth, I Remember when my girlfriends was like,

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Speaker 1: you're doing right. I Remember when a guy would rather,

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Speaker 1: you know, get hit by a car than admit that

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00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:30,440
Speaker 1: that's something that he was involved in. Remember that that

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Speaker 1: was that was a real, real thing. Oh and if

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00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:36,960
Speaker 1: he's Jamaican, it's still a real thing. But now that yeah,

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00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:42,040
Speaker 1: and and and now you know you've got guys online

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Speaker 1: with their their their name is I eat ass. You know,

425
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:50,520
Speaker 1: like that's a real thing. Like they're finding freedom in

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Speaker 1: their sexuality. But it's all based on somebody else's idea

427
00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:01,480
Speaker 1: of what sexuality is. Where is the sensuality? Where is

428
00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:04,800
Speaker 1: I don't know how we found out about ancient African sexuality.

429
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:08,120
Speaker 1: That's interesting. I'm like, was it a thing West African

430
00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:12,040
Speaker 1: sexual It had to be. It had to be. What

431
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:14,439
Speaker 1: on earth would would provoke somebody to cut off a

432
00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:17,920
Speaker 1: woman's clearterers. There's a lot of power in the orgasm.

433
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:22,960
Speaker 1: A true one on earth will possess somebody to do that.

434
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:26,760
Speaker 1: You know, I've read the books. It's about taking away

435
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:32,560
Speaker 1: all of that that passion, I suppose, But Nasa, no,

436
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:35,040
Speaker 1: no way I personally find out. I just feel like

437
00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:39,000
Speaker 1: when all else fails, I just basically just blame the

438
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:44,719
Speaker 1: white man. So I'm gonna I'm laughing because it's it's

439
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:49,760
Speaker 1: a really it's a real thing. Yeah, I'm gonna generally

440
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:52,879
Speaker 1: go with that, you know what I'm saying. But you know,

441
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:56,520
Speaker 1: I would like to you know what, I'm gonna find

442
00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:59,199
Speaker 1: that out. I'm gonna reach out to some scholars. I'm

443
00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:01,760
Speaker 1: gonna believe you could find out. Of course she can.

444
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:05,919
Speaker 1: That's why she is here around the oral sexuality and

445
00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:08,440
Speaker 1: and all the sexuality period. We'll find out what is

446
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:12,400
Speaker 1: it to have African sex at its core? Like where

447
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:14,640
Speaker 1: does that come? What did we found out that African

448
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:19,240
Speaker 1: sex is? Like missionary and born? I doubt these things

449
00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:25,280
Speaker 1: about that the people that derived from rhythm dot but

450
00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:27,760
Speaker 1: even a missionary, I'm just saying, yeah, you're rhythm matters.

451
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:33,600
Speaker 1: I'm just where were we going from what we talk about?

452
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:39,360
Speaker 1: You know? Not with ye who you hatten with? Were

453
00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:41,840
Speaker 1: you hotten with? Come on and speaks us? I mean,

454
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:51,000
Speaker 1: you know, Okay, So going back to being the protector,

455
00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:55,440
Speaker 1: I know that we're the hunters. I don't know that

456
00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:59,200
Speaker 1: we were meant to be the protectors. I think, like

457
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:06,200
Speaker 1: looking back at films like Claudine and how the government

458
00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:11,000
Speaker 1: got inside of our families and if you needed assistance,

459
00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:13,880
Speaker 1: you are allowed assistance. But you could not have a

460
00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:19,000
Speaker 1: man help you do a damn thing. And husbands die

461
00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:24,640
Speaker 1: and relationships break up, and you know, black woman or

462
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:28,920
Speaker 1: is left to try to be, you know, the provider

463
00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:32,560
Speaker 1: for a family. I just watched the science of it all,

464
00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:37,760
Speaker 1: the separation of it all, and you know, a lot

465
00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:40,760
Speaker 1: of people will argue and talk about the Willie Lynch letter.

466
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:44,320
Speaker 1: I you know, I'm I'm I'm not a historian, and

467
00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:47,120
Speaker 1: I can't tell you that that is true or false,

468
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:50,680
Speaker 1: but I know that it has some validity. Separate the

469
00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:53,000
Speaker 1: young from the old, Separate the men from the women,

470
00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:56,520
Speaker 1: Separate the parents from the children, Separate the men from

471
00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:59,320
Speaker 1: the women, Separate the light from the dark. These things

472
00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:04,760
Speaker 1: have worked, They have worked with us, and here we are,

473
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:09,840
Speaker 1: all of these years later, and we are struggling to

474
00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:15,640
Speaker 1: maintain healthy relationships between men and women. And I'm just here.

475
00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:18,800
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna put it out there and tell you,

476
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:22,480
Speaker 1: you know, men, brothers that are listening, you are necessary,

477
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:28,800
Speaker 1: you are needed. And I don't know, you know, this

478
00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:32,880
Speaker 1: whole feminist thing, we're we're so strong that we don't

479
00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:35,720
Speaker 1: need you it is. It is not the truth. It

480
00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:39,400
Speaker 1: is not the truth. We have to because we're out

481
00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:43,320
Speaker 1: here by ourselves. Do we want to know? You are

482
00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:49,080
Speaker 1: necessary as uncles, as neighbors, as fathers, as grandfathers, as brothers,

483
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:53,520
Speaker 1: as lovers, as husbands, as you are necessary and and

484
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:57,560
Speaker 1: anything else is just not the truth. It is not.

485
00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:00,960
Speaker 1: I can't tell you enough how valid and how important

486
00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:03,760
Speaker 1: you are. I cannot tell you enough. So we need

487
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:07,320
Speaker 1: you to speak up on our behalf. We need you to.

488
00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:09,880
Speaker 1: I don't care if you have to pull somebody aside.

489
00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:14,200
Speaker 1: I don't I don't know how you deal with things necessarily,

490
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:18,959
Speaker 1: But the attacks on us for you to sit quiet,

491
00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:23,760
Speaker 1: or for you to enjoy them as as entertainment, for

492
00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:26,160
Speaker 1: you to chime in and say, yeah, that's how those

493
00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:30,760
Speaker 1: black bitches are or whatever that is like, it needs

494
00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:33,800
Speaker 1: to cease and desist. Then you need to stop that.

495
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:39,200
Speaker 1: You're only hurting yourself. You're only hurting yourself. You're only

496
00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:43,520
Speaker 1: hurting yourself. You have to start being mindful who you

497
00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:47,960
Speaker 1: stick your roots into. You have to picking up and

498
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:49,880
Speaker 1: and just being with any your body because she got

499
00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:54,640
Speaker 1: a fat ass is just stupid. It's it's dumb. And

500
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:57,400
Speaker 1: then of course, that one thing to get something else.

501
00:31:58,040 --> 00:32:00,080
Speaker 1: Now you're in a situation where you're in some on

502
00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:03,160
Speaker 1: a you know, legal fight, whether it is to see

503
00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:05,800
Speaker 1: your child or to not see your child. How much

504
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:10,840
Speaker 1: money you pay a month for a child you don't

505
00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:14,400
Speaker 1: spend time with, and all of this stuff. It leads

506
00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:20,080
Speaker 1: us down a terrible slope of broken families, of of

507
00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:25,120
Speaker 1: heartaches that only be goat heart aches. You have to

508
00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:28,040
Speaker 1: wake up now, and we have to wake up too.

509
00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:32,600
Speaker 1: We have to be accountable for one another. You cannot

510
00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:37,880
Speaker 1: just keep ignoring are hurts. You're supposed to protect us,

511
00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:40,240
Speaker 1: You're supposed to be our protector. Where are you supposed

512
00:32:40,280 --> 00:32:42,000
Speaker 1: to love us as much as we love you? At

513
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:44,240
Speaker 1: the very least? Can you just love us as much

514
00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:47,240
Speaker 1: as we love you? Because I fucking love black men?

515
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:50,000
Speaker 1: Can I just hear you explain it? Can I just

516
00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:53,760
Speaker 1: can't see it? Can see it? I mean, I think

517
00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:57,160
Speaker 1: snap snaps for all of this, because I do. But again,

518
00:32:57,960 --> 00:33:03,880
Speaker 1: I feel like we have shown own our love and

519
00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:08,000
Speaker 1: our appreciation for black men so much. You know, I

520
00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:10,800
Speaker 1: don't feel like this is something that is lacking. And

521
00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:12,800
Speaker 1: I know you were saying this, but in terms of

522
00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:15,720
Speaker 1: just like feminism or womanism or anything or any of that.

523
00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:19,520
Speaker 1: There's no premise of that that is about disliking or

524
00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:21,720
Speaker 1: discredit and black men, and I think they have to

525
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:23,520
Speaker 1: kind of get that part out of their minds also,

526
00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:27,720
Speaker 1: where it's like, this is just about understanding and valuing

527
00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:33,200
Speaker 1: that person who is devalued, and that's very important that

528
00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:37,600
Speaker 1: we continue to look at ourselves as a family and

529
00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:40,440
Speaker 1: realize there are people in this family who are most

530
00:33:40,680 --> 00:33:47,360
Speaker 1: vulnerable and addressing those that are most vulnerable. I wrote

531
00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:51,880
Speaker 1: this thing one time about my mom how we were

532
00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:54,280
Speaker 1: gonna go to this amusement park. And my mother was

533
00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:56,520
Speaker 1: visiting and she wanted to go, but she at the

534
00:33:56,560 --> 00:34:00,120
Speaker 1: time her mobility wasn't such that she could and she

535
00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:03,120
Speaker 1: thought she wouldn't be able to go to this amusement party.

536
00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:04,920
Speaker 1: And I told her, I said, well, you know a

537
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:08,960
Speaker 1: lot of times amusement parts are you know, handicap accessible.

538
00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:11,080
Speaker 1: So I was like, why don't we just go see?

539
00:34:11,360 --> 00:34:13,600
Speaker 1: I said, you know what, I will just bring a wheelchair,

540
00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:16,480
Speaker 1: so I had one at the house. We bring the wheelchair.

541
00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:18,400
Speaker 1: I know that this is going to be a little

542
00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:20,520
Speaker 1: bit more effort on my part and the kids part,

543
00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:22,919
Speaker 1: but I'm like she deserves to have a good time.

544
00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:25,359
Speaker 1: So I take her and we go. When we get there,

545
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:28,920
Speaker 1: they have these scooters, right, so we're excited, like, oh boom,

546
00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:33,200
Speaker 1: we'll win a scooter. We rent the scooter and everything,

547
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:35,680
Speaker 1: and when she gets the scooter, she also gets a

548
00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:39,319
Speaker 1: wrist band. It's a wrist band that gives her the

549
00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:44,560
Speaker 1: opportunity to skip the line. Right, So because she's with us,

550
00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:48,680
Speaker 1: she skips the line. But because we're with her, we

551
00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:52,440
Speaker 1: get to skip the line too. So the whole day,

552
00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:54,800
Speaker 1: we never had the stand in line for one ride.

553
00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:57,640
Speaker 1: We wrote all the rides like two or three different times.

554
00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:00,959
Speaker 1: She had a ball. And the reason why I'm telling

555
00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:05,360
Speaker 1: that story is because if you focus your energy on

556
00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:10,720
Speaker 1: the person in the group who's the most vulnerable, everybody wins.

557
00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:20,080
Speaker 1: Everybody gets to ride the ride three times. Wow damn.

558
00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:26,160
Speaker 1: So I just need men and everybody to understand who's

559
00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:32,040
Speaker 1: the most vulnerable. It's not a competition, it's just about realness.

560
00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:34,799
Speaker 1: Let's be real and let's look out for each other.

561
00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:38,000
Speaker 1: That's that's the point, you know what I mean? Because

562
00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:40,640
Speaker 1: you to be black, to be black, and woman, to

563
00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:43,759
Speaker 1: be black and disabled, to be black and queer, to

564
00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:51,040
Speaker 1: be black, queer, and disabled. It's all layers of vulnerability.

565
00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:54,399
Speaker 1: And our job always is to pick who's the most

566
00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:59,399
Speaker 1: vulnerable and center the entire nation work around them. That's

567
00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:04,600
Speaker 1: a powerful community them as black women, we are able

568
00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:08,799
Speaker 1: to somehow, some way, we are we are something else.

569
00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:15,120
Speaker 1: Us not having food, we're going through a time. And

570
00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:20,440
Speaker 1: I watched my grandmother throw together stuff like rice and

571
00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:24,840
Speaker 1: tuna dish and make some kind of castle role, you know,

572
00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:33,480
Speaker 1: and make that thing stretch. I watched my mother make potatoes.

573
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:37,560
Speaker 1: We had potatoes soup lade. We had potatoes soup. We

574
00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:42,040
Speaker 1: had potato cakes. We had potato. We have French fries,

575
00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:46,440
Speaker 1: we have potato. We have potato. We had potatoes because

576
00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:49,640
Speaker 1: that's what we had. And yump, our wrists swelled up,

577
00:36:49,680 --> 00:36:55,319
Speaker 1: the guard, our ankles swelled up. We didn't have proper nutrition,

578
00:36:56,400 --> 00:37:01,440
Speaker 1: but we stayed alive until that next neighbor showed up

579
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:04,880
Speaker 1: and and gave us a can of something, or you

580
00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:07,719
Speaker 1: know that family members stopped by with groceries to get

581
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:12,080
Speaker 1: us through the next week or so. And I look

582
00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:15,560
Speaker 1: at that and I see that kind of resilience. We

583
00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:21,520
Speaker 1: are very resilient, but we are also exhausted. So tired.

584
00:37:21,880 --> 00:37:25,879
Speaker 1: We're so exhausted, so tired. But you know what, though

585
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:32,479
Speaker 1: it's interesting, you know that connection between us and black men,

586
00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:36,520
Speaker 1: it is such a magical thing, not even always in

587
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:40,320
Speaker 1: the romantic part of it. It is just that rhythm

588
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:44,360
Speaker 1: and the way we are connected, that that need to

589
00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:47,680
Speaker 1: protect and be there. I don't want that to go

590
00:37:47,719 --> 00:37:50,200
Speaker 1: away in myself, you know what I'm saying. I just

591
00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:54,280
Speaker 1: don't want to share it with myself. And I think

592
00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:59,879
Speaker 1: I'm so excited about how we connect with each other

593
00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:04,920
Speaker 1: because when we start risking, it's everything. And when we

594
00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:09,120
Speaker 1: start communicating and we share the same language, that's the

595
00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,000
Speaker 1: thing is that that's what they try to take from us,

596
00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:14,959
Speaker 1: things like our words and our language, and so being

597
00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:17,759
Speaker 1: on the same page and speaking the same language with

598
00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:22,560
Speaker 1: each other is so essential. And when we are, when

599
00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:25,759
Speaker 1: we're linked up, when black women and black men are

600
00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:29,719
Speaker 1: linked up and they're in sync with one another, is

601
00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:32,240
Speaker 1: a power like none of other. You know that feeling

602
00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:36,040
Speaker 1: when you're in a room full of black men and

603
00:38:36,719 --> 00:38:41,200
Speaker 1: everybody you can feel that they respect you, Yes, you

604
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:44,839
Speaker 1: can feel it. It is such it's it's like my

605
00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:48,799
Speaker 1: my ideas are out of control because I know I'm supported.

606
00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:54,080
Speaker 1: I'm held up in this room. It's liberating and it's

607
00:38:54,120 --> 00:38:57,879
Speaker 1: the way that my mind processes. You know. I don't

608
00:38:57,920 --> 00:39:01,240
Speaker 1: feel like I have to defend myself here. I feel

609
00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:04,120
Speaker 1: I am safe here and I can speak up and

610
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:08,920
Speaker 1: be free to come up with something amazing that can

611
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:12,880
Speaker 1: be added to, can be pulled apart in a way

612
00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:16,920
Speaker 1: that is respectful. Oh that's my favorite kind of days.

613
00:39:17,239 --> 00:39:20,160
Speaker 1: When I'm surrounded by black men that respect and loved me.

614
00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:24,680
Speaker 1: I look forward to. It's so nice. Because I was

615
00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:25,960
Speaker 1: sitting here, I was like, yeah, I thought you was

616
00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:27,919
Speaker 1: gonna say. I was thinking the flip side is living

617
00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:30,120
Speaker 1: out here in California. Do y'all know that that feeling

618
00:39:30,120 --> 00:39:32,760
Speaker 1: that you feel, Jill, when you I feel that way

619
00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:34,680
Speaker 1: when I'm walking down the street in l A and

620
00:39:34,719 --> 00:39:37,560
Speaker 1: a black man actually looks in my direction and acknowledges

621
00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:39,839
Speaker 1: me and we have a head not moment, because it's

622
00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:44,640
Speaker 1: so rare that when it happens, You're like, you see me,

623
00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:49,560
Speaker 1: Thank you, brother, thank you. And I just got to

624
00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:51,799
Speaker 1: you too because that because that brother always gets seen

625
00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:54,920
Speaker 1: in l A. Don't forget I'm in California. These women

626
00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:58,000
Speaker 1: love them, you know. But for him to see me,

627
00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:02,920
Speaker 1: but him to see me in this town, He'll be like, Okay,

628
00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:05,080
Speaker 1: it's gonna be all right. It's so sad. But I

629
00:40:05,120 --> 00:40:07,200
Speaker 1: literally every time it happens, I have that moment of life,

630
00:40:07,680 --> 00:40:14,080
Speaker 1: I'm okay here, I'm okay mm hmm. The safety of

631
00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:17,719
Speaker 1: it all is the reason why we do all of

632
00:40:17,719 --> 00:40:19,719
Speaker 1: this work and so that we create these kind of

633
00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:22,960
Speaker 1: safe spaces for ourselves. That moment that you feel, we

634
00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:26,759
Speaker 1: dry to take that moment and multiply it, you know

635
00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:29,000
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, And yeah, all these moments so that

636
00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:33,560
Speaker 1: we're consistently feeling that feeling. Something really interesting happened to

637
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:36,840
Speaker 1: me recently where for ten I were working on another

638
00:40:36,880 --> 00:40:39,160
Speaker 1: project and we were doing like some interviews with people

639
00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:43,200
Speaker 1: and we asked them, you know, when did they first

640
00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:46,799
Speaker 1: or ever learned like about black life right and like

641
00:40:46,880 --> 00:40:51,839
Speaker 1: in school, and most people could not recall when that

642
00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:54,720
Speaker 1: was or if they did, it was like something really basic.

643
00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:59,080
Speaker 1: And then I'll fast forward to I was interacting with

644
00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:04,080
Speaker 1: a bunch of freshman at Howard and they were all

645
00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:07,480
Speaker 1: taking like an Africana studies class, like intro to Africana Studies,

646
00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:09,279
Speaker 1: and a lot of them were saying the same thing

647
00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:11,640
Speaker 1: they were like, this is my first time being in

648
00:41:11,640 --> 00:41:15,200
Speaker 1: the room full of black people talking about black lives

649
00:41:15,320 --> 00:41:21,120
Speaker 1: and like their freshman in college. It's important for us

650
00:41:21,120 --> 00:41:24,480
Speaker 1: to continue to acknowledge that that moment that we're that

651
00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:27,880
Speaker 1: we're kind of sitting here thinking about and lamenting over,

652
00:41:28,600 --> 00:41:34,720
Speaker 1: is a moment that we are often trying to experience,

653
00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:38,719
Speaker 1: but is a lot harder to experience. Then we would

654
00:41:38,719 --> 00:41:42,279
Speaker 1: like it to be us, not a thing that we

655
00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:47,200
Speaker 1: can always access, you know what I mean, And that

656
00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:50,200
Speaker 1: that part of it, rather than making it make me sad,

657
00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:56,080
Speaker 1: it motivates me. I feel motivated. I want more spaces

658
00:41:56,160 --> 00:42:01,799
Speaker 1: where I feel safe around black men in groups and

659
00:42:01,880 --> 00:42:06,520
Speaker 1: I'm not contemplating my safety emotional or physical. And I

660
00:42:06,560 --> 00:42:10,319
Speaker 1: think that's really a super important thing for us to do,

661
00:42:10,480 --> 00:42:12,600
Speaker 1: is to use that as a litmus. These moments are

662
00:42:12,600 --> 00:42:15,759
Speaker 1: the moments we're looking for. You know, I want to

663
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:23,200
Speaker 1: shout out DJ Premier. Yeah, huh, Yeah, that's a good dude.

664
00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:28,800
Speaker 1: Yes he's also a girl dad. Yes he's a good dude,

665
00:42:29,400 --> 00:42:33,120
Speaker 1: and I love being in his company with the crew

666
00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:36,160
Speaker 1: of men that he has around him. I appreciate and

667
00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:40,000
Speaker 1: honor these moments, the moments that I had with the

668
00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:44,120
Speaker 1: producers from a touch of Jazz. I loved being around

669
00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:49,000
Speaker 1: that group of guys. I felt like I felt like

670
00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:52,560
Speaker 1: a sister. I felt like uh auntie, I felt like

671
00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:55,080
Speaker 1: a niece. I felt like a woman, and I felt

672
00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:58,440
Speaker 1: like a woman that was cherished. And those are are

673
00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:04,120
Speaker 1: great memories to have. And I love black men, not

674
00:43:04,200 --> 00:43:07,520
Speaker 1: just out of some mythical, you know, idea of who

675
00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:10,360
Speaker 1: they are. I have seen you at your absolute best,

676
00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:15,759
Speaker 1: and I love you. And when I see that, and

677
00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:20,680
Speaker 1: I've seen you love a woman, a black woman beautifully. Yeah,

678
00:43:20,880 --> 00:43:24,080
Speaker 1: I just I want you to know that I've seen you,

679
00:43:24,760 --> 00:43:27,400
Speaker 1: and that who you are and what you are, I

680
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:30,160
Speaker 1: wish and pray for it for every single one of you.

681
00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:35,680
Speaker 1: It's it's a beautiful healthiness. It's a beautiful wholeness, and

682
00:43:35,800 --> 00:43:39,400
Speaker 1: you deserve it. You deserve it. I want you to

683
00:43:39,719 --> 00:43:42,560
Speaker 1: like he shout out my husband, who was an amazing

684
00:43:42,640 --> 00:43:47,239
Speaker 1: black man. Yes he is. It's always in the background

685
00:43:47,320 --> 00:43:55,120
Speaker 1: right now. He like, I'm trying to put up my

686
00:43:55,160 --> 00:44:00,880
Speaker 1: goddamn dorby what I'm saying. I'm fighting, but upper door beads,

687
00:44:00,960 --> 00:44:06,719
Speaker 1: come on and I'll do what you shot him out

688
00:44:06,719 --> 00:44:11,040
Speaker 1: because he's a he's a lovely, lovely man, and and

689
00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:14,600
Speaker 1: I've seen him, and I know his personal history, and

690
00:44:14,640 --> 00:44:19,880
Speaker 1: so I do also know that a person can struggle

691
00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:23,520
Speaker 1: in the way of being a black man, the world

692
00:44:23,800 --> 00:44:28,080
Speaker 1: that he comes into and the circumstances that the world

693
00:44:28,080 --> 00:44:31,960
Speaker 1: will put in his lap, and he can still be

694
00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:38,960
Speaker 1: engaged and and and love dearly and deeply and outwardly

695
00:44:40,000 --> 00:44:44,160
Speaker 1: and really test the limits of the things that he

696
00:44:44,239 --> 00:44:48,200
Speaker 1: may not know naturally, that that that that the environment

697
00:44:48,520 --> 00:44:50,680
Speaker 1: does that he can say, you don't forget that. I

698
00:44:50,760 --> 00:44:53,759
Speaker 1: didn't have to. Fine, I know that happened to me,

699
00:44:54,080 --> 00:44:58,480
Speaker 1: and that's legit. But my humanity is more important. Come on,

700
00:44:58,960 --> 00:45:02,440
Speaker 1: A woman se entity is more important. My children's humanity

701
00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:05,520
Speaker 1: is more important. And I want that for them to

702
00:45:05,640 --> 00:45:10,680
Speaker 1: be humans, you know. And I just have to give

703
00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:15,840
Speaker 1: him that. He has always had a sense of that always, y'all,

704
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:21,759
Speaker 1: m what's wrong? It's butterflies all over my windows? What

705
00:45:21,960 --> 00:45:26,040
Speaker 1: you mean? Butterflies all over your windows? It's butterflies, not

706
00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:34,360
Speaker 1: the cadus. They're butterflies on my windows and slightly creepy,

707
00:45:34,480 --> 00:45:36,719
Speaker 1: but it really is. I'm like, I don't believe you.

708
00:45:37,680 --> 00:45:40,200
Speaker 1: My daddy was just talking, yo. Can I just tell you.

709
00:45:40,239 --> 00:45:42,200
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I mean to interrupt you, Asia, But on

710
00:45:42,239 --> 00:45:44,080
Speaker 1: the sense of butterflies, that's the person I was gonna

711
00:45:44,080 --> 00:45:45,759
Speaker 1: shout out with my father in that sense, the man

712
00:45:45,760 --> 00:45:48,160
Speaker 1: who taught me joy and what a black man should be.

713
00:45:48,200 --> 00:45:50,040
Speaker 1: But he just had a conversation with me today about

714
00:45:50,040 --> 00:45:52,720
Speaker 1: how he was whistled his window and the black butterfly

715
00:45:52,840 --> 00:45:55,200
Speaker 1: came over and the black butterfly was just dancing and

716
00:45:55,239 --> 00:45:57,839
Speaker 1: he just kept on whispering and whistling, and the black

717
00:45:57,840 --> 00:46:00,160
Speaker 1: butterfly just kept on dancing. And that was the is

718
00:46:00,239 --> 00:46:02,759
Speaker 1: that's that's crazy that you had that happened to you,

719
00:46:02,920 --> 00:46:06,359
Speaker 1: and I'm not, well, yeah, bro, those are spirits, high spirits. Yeah,

720
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:09,040
Speaker 1: that's what that is. That's literally what that is. But

721
00:46:09,080 --> 00:46:12,080
Speaker 1: thank you Daddy too in that way showing me that

722
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:18,160
Speaker 1: all that being a black man is limitless, limitless, especially emotionally.

723
00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:22,040
Speaker 1: Also will shout my dad. I'm gonna shout my dad.

724
00:46:22,160 --> 00:46:25,160
Speaker 1: My father has been passed away now for six years,

725
00:46:25,680 --> 00:46:28,200
Speaker 1: and I want to shout my father because my father

726
00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:30,320
Speaker 1: was a black man who had a hard time getting

727
00:46:30,320 --> 00:46:36,560
Speaker 1: it right. I want to acknowledge him because he fell

728
00:46:36,719 --> 00:46:38,879
Speaker 1: victim to a lot of the traps and a lot

729
00:46:38,920 --> 00:46:42,240
Speaker 1: of the systems that are put out there to hurt him,

730
00:46:42,280 --> 00:46:46,760
Speaker 1: and he actually did fall in. But my dad had

731
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:50,359
Speaker 1: so much beauty in him that one of the things

732
00:46:50,400 --> 00:46:53,040
Speaker 1: he was able to do for me as his daughter

733
00:46:54,040 --> 00:46:58,719
Speaker 1: was to show me how it looked to be adored.

734
00:46:59,480 --> 00:47:05,520
Speaker 1: My dad adored me, It really did. I appreciate that,

735
00:47:05,719 --> 00:47:09,200
Speaker 1: you know, because those are my memories. Those are my

736
00:47:09,239 --> 00:47:14,440
Speaker 1: memories are my dad being funny and being adventurous and

737
00:47:14,600 --> 00:47:16,960
Speaker 1: silly and goofy and not being afraid of how other

738
00:47:16,960 --> 00:47:20,359
Speaker 1: people would view him. My dad run and joke and

739
00:47:20,440 --> 00:47:23,400
Speaker 1: just be the most fun person, and I love that

740
00:47:23,440 --> 00:47:25,440
Speaker 1: about him. Those are the ways he held onto his

741
00:47:25,520 --> 00:47:29,000
Speaker 1: humanity despite you know, his mistakes are the things that

742
00:47:29,040 --> 00:47:31,600
Speaker 1: he allowed, the mistakes that he made, and the things

743
00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:34,080
Speaker 1: that you know he felt victim too. So I just

744
00:47:34,080 --> 00:47:36,800
Speaker 1: want the brothers to know you don't have to be perfect.

745
00:47:37,560 --> 00:47:40,239
Speaker 1: I don't have to be perfect. This is not about perfection.

746
00:47:41,040 --> 00:47:45,200
Speaker 1: This is about reclaiming your humanity and reclaiming hours. This

747
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:49,080
Speaker 1: is really what it is about. I'll work, I'll work

748
00:47:49,160 --> 00:47:52,680
Speaker 1: with each other. I have a line where I say, uh,

749
00:47:52,800 --> 00:47:56,560
Speaker 1: it's become a mantra for me. A little emotional about

750
00:47:56,560 --> 00:47:59,200
Speaker 1: these butterflies. But I might have a mantra, right, so

751
00:47:59,320 --> 00:48:01,200
Speaker 1: you can um. If you can't tell me what to do,

752
00:48:01,239 --> 00:48:03,600
Speaker 1: then you can't tell me what to do. But if

753
00:48:03,640 --> 00:48:05,359
Speaker 1: you can tell me what to do, then you can

754
00:48:05,440 --> 00:48:11,120
Speaker 1: tell me what to do. Yes, yes, yes, that's the goal.

755
00:48:11,640 --> 00:48:15,160
Speaker 1: That's the goal. And I don't right. And I have

756
00:48:15,360 --> 00:48:21,480
Speaker 1: no issue with being respectful or even submissive to to

757
00:48:21,640 --> 00:48:24,560
Speaker 1: the right person. I used to say all the time, Jill,

758
00:48:24,680 --> 00:48:26,759
Speaker 1: Yes I'm I'm not Yes, I'm not a submissive person,

759
00:48:26,760 --> 00:48:29,840
Speaker 1: but I am ready to submit to the right man. Yes,

760
00:48:29,960 --> 00:48:32,359
Speaker 1: I know that I can do that. And it it's

761
00:48:32,400 --> 00:48:35,040
Speaker 1: not so much when I see chinks in your armor

762
00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:37,879
Speaker 1: that I'm like, Okay, I can't submit to you. It's

763
00:48:37,920 --> 00:48:40,399
Speaker 1: all about character. And that's the one thing that I've

764
00:48:40,440 --> 00:48:46,880
Speaker 1: definitely learned in this lifetime to take my sweet molasses

765
00:48:47,080 --> 00:48:52,560
Speaker 1: ass time before I stick my roots into another sum

766
00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:57,640
Speaker 1: by them down the day. This day I used to

767
00:48:57,719 --> 00:49:01,920
Speaker 1: think in term of submission. I knew, I knew Asia.

768
00:49:02,040 --> 00:49:03,440
Speaker 1: I was just about to say to you, Jail, and

769
00:49:03,520 --> 00:49:07,839
Speaker 1: Asia is going to say, and Asia is also MUSLIMA

770
00:49:08,280 --> 00:49:13,080
Speaker 1: still that doesn't have anything to do. No, I'm ready

771
00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:18,040
Speaker 1: have that. I used to think in terms of that.

772
00:49:19,040 --> 00:49:21,320
Speaker 1: It's not that it doesn't have a place in life.

773
00:49:22,040 --> 00:49:24,560
Speaker 1: You know what I mean, don't word I submit? It

774
00:49:24,640 --> 00:49:27,120
Speaker 1: has its place ultimately and how we submit to the

775
00:49:27,160 --> 00:49:31,479
Speaker 1: power of God. So there is submission has its place

776
00:49:31,520 --> 00:49:37,160
Speaker 1: of life, which is important in in partnering theat and

777
00:49:37,200 --> 00:49:40,480
Speaker 1: I talked about this reasonably when we talked about roles,

778
00:49:40,600 --> 00:49:42,680
Speaker 1: and we talked about all the different things that we

779
00:49:42,760 --> 00:49:45,680
Speaker 1: thought when we first got married, and how so much

780
00:49:45,719 --> 00:49:50,120
Speaker 1: gets lost when you think in terms of submission to

781
00:49:50,400 --> 00:49:53,680
Speaker 1: each other. I think a lot of times it's just

782
00:49:53,880 --> 00:50:04,080
Speaker 1: more about compassion, empathy, and respect, because those things they

783
00:50:04,120 --> 00:50:08,239
Speaker 1: just outlast submission, all of that. And I feel like

784
00:50:08,280 --> 00:50:12,480
Speaker 1: in my life, I've come to have a deep compassion

785
00:50:12,560 --> 00:50:15,759
Speaker 1: for my man because that is the thing that I

786
00:50:15,800 --> 00:50:18,960
Speaker 1: was not taught. I've been taught to submit since I

787
00:50:19,040 --> 00:50:22,200
Speaker 1: was little. That's what women are always taught. Whether it's

788
00:50:22,239 --> 00:50:25,799
Speaker 1: directly or indirectly. It's my compassion for him that I

789
00:50:25,840 --> 00:50:29,959
Speaker 1: feel like it's most useful for him. What is useful, say,

790
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:36,399
Speaker 1: to gain compassion, empathy and respect, respect. I just feel

791
00:50:36,440 --> 00:50:39,240
Speaker 1: like my compassion for him is useful for him because

792
00:50:39,239 --> 00:50:42,080
Speaker 1: it just as we're taught one thing they're taught something. Also,

793
00:50:42,600 --> 00:50:46,520
Speaker 1: they carry a heavy weight on the leader and that

794
00:50:46,640 --> 00:50:49,440
Speaker 1: I gotta know how to fix everything in And they

795
00:50:49,440 --> 00:50:53,880
Speaker 1: don't be freaking knowing. They be confused and have anxiety

796
00:50:54,360 --> 00:50:59,239
Speaker 1: and be fearful and scared as you are so right,

797
00:50:59,400 --> 00:51:05,120
Speaker 1: because they're humans. Because yeah, and if we continue to

798
00:51:05,239 --> 00:51:09,920
Speaker 1: attach submission to them, that's how we talk about God,

799
00:51:10,320 --> 00:51:12,759
Speaker 1: then we put a pressure on our men to be

800
00:51:12,880 --> 00:51:15,640
Speaker 1: all knowing. So I think the word has been kind

801
00:51:15,640 --> 00:51:18,200
Speaker 1: of remix It's fair, but I think that the word

802
00:51:18,280 --> 00:51:20,279
Speaker 1: is kind of remixed to when people say it now,

803
00:51:20,320 --> 00:51:22,799
Speaker 1: I think it's a little looser than what we thought.

804
00:51:22,800 --> 00:51:25,399
Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like sometimes submission when certain women say,

805
00:51:25,480 --> 00:51:27,680
Speaker 1: especially those too perceived strong or kind of saying in

806
00:51:27,680 --> 00:51:29,840
Speaker 1: the sense of I'm just ready to hand over the

807
00:51:29,840 --> 00:51:31,960
Speaker 1: reins a little bit like while I have them, I

808
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:35,239
Speaker 1: tell you looking forward to But see that has a

809
00:51:35,239 --> 00:51:38,640
Speaker 1: lot to do with trust. Yeah, ending over reins is

810
00:51:38,680 --> 00:51:41,759
Speaker 1: about trusting that that person can handle that. Yeah, And

811
00:51:41,760 --> 00:51:43,439
Speaker 1: that's the the goal. You want to find a person

812
00:51:43,480 --> 00:51:45,680
Speaker 1: in your life that you trust enough that you feel

813
00:51:45,680 --> 00:51:47,160
Speaker 1: like you can hand at least give him one of

814
00:51:47,200 --> 00:51:50,000
Speaker 1: these rains so you can put your shoulders down a little.

815
00:51:50,040 --> 00:51:51,759
Speaker 1: And that's what I'm talking about. And that's what I

816
00:51:51,760 --> 00:51:53,720
Speaker 1: think when we say submission, that's what we're talking about.

817
00:51:53,800 --> 00:51:55,920
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about walking behind somebody with my head.

818
00:51:56,080 --> 00:52:00,280
Speaker 1: Yeah you know where I didn't think that, Aga, Aga,

819
00:52:00,440 --> 00:52:08,640
Speaker 1: you have just blessed my whole life right there. Compassion, empathy, respect,

820
00:52:09,360 --> 00:52:14,799
Speaker 1: and trust. Oh thank you girl, thank you, thank you,

821
00:52:14,880 --> 00:52:17,480
Speaker 1: thank you. That's a third. That's a third. That was

822
00:52:17,520 --> 00:52:22,640
Speaker 1: an immense sert. Remember those are your CERTs. Compassion, empathy, respect,

823
00:52:22,680 --> 00:52:27,120
Speaker 1: and tru trust assert Remember the third. I love it.

824
00:52:30,160 --> 00:52:40,759
Speaker 1: We'll be back after the break. Coming up next on

825
00:52:40,800 --> 00:52:44,279
Speaker 1: the show, What's on Your Heart an occasional segment where

826
00:52:44,280 --> 00:52:46,560
Speaker 1: we're check in with people we respect about how they're

827
00:52:46,640 --> 00:52:51,560
Speaker 1: really feeling hot on y'all. I think there's somebody calling.

828
00:52:52,640 --> 00:53:01,440
Speaker 1: That must mean it's time for Whatso we have someone

829
00:53:01,600 --> 00:53:13,759
Speaker 1: on the phone. Let's see who it is. Caregames O man, Hello, Hello, Hello, God.

830
00:53:14,200 --> 00:53:19,160
Speaker 1: Friend's going on a little bit of everything, a whole

831
00:53:19,200 --> 00:53:22,360
Speaker 1: lot of nothing. How are you doing? I'm doing fantastic.

832
00:53:22,520 --> 00:53:25,560
Speaker 1: I discovered care gains nobody else it was just me

833
00:53:27,960 --> 00:53:30,400
Speaker 1: And how did you do that? I happened to be

834
00:53:30,520 --> 00:53:35,719
Speaker 1: scrolling through the Instagram, and I saw this video of

835
00:53:35,760 --> 00:53:40,240
Speaker 1: this young man holding his daughter speaking, I mean truly

836
00:53:40,280 --> 00:53:43,120
Speaker 1: speaking to the hearts of mine a young men about

837
00:53:43,360 --> 00:53:46,080
Speaker 1: what it means to be a parent, what it means

838
00:53:46,120 --> 00:53:48,719
Speaker 1: to be a black man as a parent. And I

839
00:53:48,800 --> 00:53:52,120
Speaker 1: was so impressed. I thought, man, he really just laid

840
00:53:52,120 --> 00:53:54,880
Speaker 1: it all out there like it needs to be, because

841
00:53:55,040 --> 00:53:57,400
Speaker 1: you know, so many of us were sticking out roots

842
00:53:57,400 --> 00:54:04,200
Speaker 1: in the wrong people. So I retweeted or reposted, yeah,

843
00:54:04,239 --> 00:54:09,000
Speaker 1: Podus posted. I reposted, that's how bad it is. I

844
00:54:09,080 --> 00:54:12,560
Speaker 1: still call it the interweb. You can't be that bad

845
00:54:12,560 --> 00:54:14,719
Speaker 1: what you call it? Innerwere though I can. I can

846
00:54:14,760 --> 00:54:18,960
Speaker 1: do what I want. But I reposted him and I

847
00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:23,120
Speaker 1: saw the response. Yes, And what was the response care

848
00:54:23,760 --> 00:54:27,640
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, overwhelming to say the very least. I

849
00:54:28,239 --> 00:54:30,560
Speaker 1: don't know. It's like I told you when you first

850
00:54:30,560 --> 00:54:35,320
Speaker 1: reached out to me, like I'm just a person who

851
00:54:35,360 --> 00:54:38,239
Speaker 1: believes that they're just speaking to things that are on

852
00:54:38,280 --> 00:54:40,640
Speaker 1: their mind. And for me to be in this body

853
00:54:40,680 --> 00:54:44,120
Speaker 1: and have this face and have this voice and had

854
00:54:44,160 --> 00:54:48,000
Speaker 1: this accent and have this background and have people listening

855
00:54:48,000 --> 00:54:51,319
Speaker 1: to my heart, genuinely, it's the wildest thing I've ever

856
00:54:51,360 --> 00:54:53,239
Speaker 1: been throwing my life. I love it, but I'd be

857
00:54:53,360 --> 00:54:55,120
Speaker 1: lying to you if I told you I knew exactly

858
00:54:55,120 --> 00:54:58,080
Speaker 1: how to accept it. But coming from your mouth and

859
00:54:58,160 --> 00:55:00,800
Speaker 1: you're telling me that you love of what I'm saying,

860
00:55:01,239 --> 00:55:04,600
Speaker 1: that's just I don't know. It feels strange and familiar

861
00:55:04,719 --> 00:55:06,960
Speaker 1: if it was alien in at home, all in one

862
00:55:07,040 --> 00:55:10,719
Speaker 1: feels swoop, if that makes any sense. This is why

863
00:55:10,800 --> 00:55:14,640
Speaker 1: I with care. This is why I do our first conversation,

864
00:55:14,680 --> 00:55:16,920
Speaker 1: I just called him on a humbug, like what's up,

865
00:55:17,239 --> 00:55:21,400
Speaker 1: And it was a great conversation that just continued to flow.

866
00:55:21,880 --> 00:55:27,000
Speaker 1: I'm geeked about seeing young black men that know what

867
00:55:27,200 --> 00:55:31,160
Speaker 1: love is and express it in this way and are

868
00:55:31,200 --> 00:55:36,000
Speaker 1: willing to share their thoughts and ideas and successes and failures.

869
00:55:37,520 --> 00:55:41,360
Speaker 1: That's fantastic. And a woman still be black. Yes, I

870
00:55:41,440 --> 00:55:43,320
Speaker 1: mean listen to that. I got to tell you, don't

871
00:55:43,360 --> 00:55:50,160
Speaker 1: lose the feeling. Yeah, Care, we got a question for you.

872
00:55:50,320 --> 00:55:52,279
Speaker 1: What's up? That's what I'm here for. I want all

873
00:55:52,280 --> 00:55:58,200
Speaker 1: the questions. What's on your heart? Oh man? My therapist

874
00:55:58,280 --> 00:56:02,719
Speaker 1: asked me that a few days ago. It's a theory. Yeah,

875
00:56:02,800 --> 00:56:06,520
Speaker 1: my dad was actually a black woman. She is outstanding

876
00:56:06,560 --> 00:56:12,400
Speaker 1: and she's very steep to spirituality. She's very blunt. She

877
00:56:12,400 --> 00:56:14,640
Speaker 1: she I feel like she understands me on the multitude

878
00:56:14,680 --> 00:56:18,200
Speaker 1: of levels, which which helps. But what's on my heart

879
00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:24,120
Speaker 1: conflict right now, let's go and you know that's a

880
00:56:24,160 --> 00:56:27,400
Speaker 1: million different avenues that can take conflict, right it's just

881
00:56:27,560 --> 00:56:30,719
Speaker 1: internal conflict. I'm battling right now. I'm talking to my

882
00:56:30,760 --> 00:56:35,520
Speaker 1: wife this morning and we're just talking about like how

883
00:56:35,560 --> 00:56:38,920
Speaker 1: everything is kind of happening in our life is kind

884
00:56:38,920 --> 00:56:41,400
Speaker 1: of becoming a brand now, which I don't mind because

885
00:56:41,440 --> 00:56:44,719
Speaker 1: people get something positive from it. But like my very

886
00:56:44,719 --> 00:56:47,440
Speaker 1: real stuff, I deal with anxiety, and that's something I've

887
00:56:47,480 --> 00:56:51,279
Speaker 1: never really shared publicly. My anxiety was so bad at

888
00:56:51,320 --> 00:56:53,719
Speaker 1: one time that I went to the doctor and they

889
00:56:53,760 --> 00:56:57,680
Speaker 1: have to do a general anxiety tests. It's like I'm

890
00:56:57,719 --> 00:57:00,320
Speaker 1: skilled of zero to tend how bad as James siety

891
00:57:00,360 --> 00:57:04,520
Speaker 1: and my range mine hits so high that they wanted

892
00:57:04,560 --> 00:57:07,200
Speaker 1: me to be prescribed medication. That ain't the route I

893
00:57:07,280 --> 00:57:09,840
Speaker 1: really wanted to go. I feel like that's effective for people,

894
00:57:09,880 --> 00:57:12,080
Speaker 1: and if it is, that, you know by all means

895
00:57:12,080 --> 00:57:14,200
Speaker 1: to do that, but I just felt like my route

896
00:57:14,200 --> 00:57:17,120
Speaker 1: needed to be a little different, so I didn't take that.

897
00:57:17,240 --> 00:57:20,760
Speaker 1: But just battling with anxiety, and battling with anxiety, and

898
00:57:20,800 --> 00:57:23,080
Speaker 1: then going through like grad school and learning to become

899
00:57:23,080 --> 00:57:27,640
Speaker 1: a therapist and battling anxiety. And now what's on my

900
00:57:27,720 --> 00:57:30,280
Speaker 1: heart is a conflict between knowing better. You know. I

901
00:57:30,320 --> 00:57:32,560
Speaker 1: did a podcast the other day where I was telling

902
00:57:33,000 --> 00:57:34,680
Speaker 1: the host, you know, one of the ways you deal

903
00:57:34,720 --> 00:57:37,640
Speaker 1: with anxiety is to figure out what kind of relationship

904
00:57:37,720 --> 00:57:39,320
Speaker 1: that you have with it. How do you greet it?

905
00:57:39,360 --> 00:57:41,120
Speaker 1: Do you agree to with hate? Do you greet it

906
00:57:41,160 --> 00:57:44,640
Speaker 1: with disgust? Are you very hard on yourself because you

907
00:57:44,640 --> 00:57:47,240
Speaker 1: hate anxiety and you let it anchor you down? Sometimes?

908
00:57:48,160 --> 00:57:51,360
Speaker 1: And I told her that the relationship she has with

909
00:57:51,440 --> 00:57:55,560
Speaker 1: her anxiety is really gonna dictate how it bends her

910
00:57:55,640 --> 00:57:58,400
Speaker 1: life and how she moves around it. And here I

911
00:57:58,440 --> 00:58:01,880
Speaker 1: am can't fall my own advice, and my heart is

912
00:58:01,880 --> 00:58:08,160
Speaker 1: conflicted because I know better, but I still can't get

913
00:58:08,200 --> 00:58:11,880
Speaker 1: it off for me. I can't get it off me,

914
00:58:12,320 --> 00:58:14,680
Speaker 1: not as much as I would like to. My therapist

915
00:58:14,760 --> 00:58:17,960
Speaker 1: brain tells me that I can't do everything. You can't

916
00:58:18,280 --> 00:58:21,200
Speaker 1: be all the eggs in all the spaces in the

917
00:58:21,200 --> 00:58:24,360
Speaker 1: whole carton. That's not how people work. But like my

918
00:58:24,520 --> 00:58:27,720
Speaker 1: person brain is like, damn, look at this big bright

919
00:58:27,880 --> 00:58:30,000
Speaker 1: bur in the spot where I fail that. You know,

920
00:58:30,480 --> 00:58:32,280
Speaker 1: it's sometimes it feels like y'a heart. It's like a

921
00:58:32,320 --> 00:58:34,000
Speaker 1: report car with the f s were a little bit

922
00:58:34,040 --> 00:58:37,439
Speaker 1: more than the a's. You know, you have a four

923
00:58:37,480 --> 00:58:40,840
Speaker 1: point o, you get one F. Your GP is abysmal.

924
00:58:41,600 --> 00:58:44,280
Speaker 1: You get all as you get one A. And it's

925
00:58:44,320 --> 00:58:48,480
Speaker 1: hard for the mover a tick and my therapist brain

926
00:58:48,600 --> 00:58:50,680
Speaker 1: comes back and says that I should reframe that, I

927
00:58:50,720 --> 00:58:54,520
Speaker 1: should look at that positively, like, no, but you have

928
00:58:54,640 --> 00:58:57,280
Speaker 1: the winds. You're just not getting all the nutrients oude

929
00:58:57,280 --> 00:58:59,400
Speaker 1: of your joys. And my real brain it's like, yeah,

930
00:58:59,440 --> 00:59:02,680
Speaker 1: but that ship ah. And sometimes I wake up and

931
00:59:02,680 --> 00:59:04,600
Speaker 1: I don't want to be a husband or father or

932
00:59:04,760 --> 00:59:08,000
Speaker 1: social media or whatever the fuck come on, I'm just conflicted.

933
00:59:08,080 --> 00:59:10,800
Speaker 1: And then it's like, damn, my god, an opportunity completely

934
00:59:10,840 --> 00:59:13,520
Speaker 1: changed my life. I just speak to people what's on

935
00:59:13,840 --> 00:59:17,640
Speaker 1: my heart? And now we have movie producers and television

936
00:59:17,640 --> 00:59:22,520
Speaker 1: producers and all types of people who receive high acclaim

937
00:59:22,560 --> 00:59:24,560
Speaker 1: reaching out to us. What's on your brain? What do

938
00:59:24,600 --> 00:59:29,000
Speaker 1: you think? Who wouldn't be blessed to do this? But

939
00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:32,880
Speaker 1: it don't feel the way I thought it would. It's

940
00:59:32,880 --> 00:59:36,400
Speaker 1: still a gap between what I thought, like, Oh, I

941
00:59:36,440 --> 00:59:39,040
Speaker 1: feel complete, Like No, it feels like the anxiety still

942
00:59:39,080 --> 00:59:41,960
Speaker 1: tugs at that. So now I'm in a place where

943
00:59:41,960 --> 00:59:44,400
Speaker 1: I'm trying to figure out what the hell is happiness? Man,

944
00:59:45,040 --> 00:59:47,520
Speaker 1: Like you think when you When I was younger, I

945
00:59:47,560 --> 00:59:50,000
Speaker 1: thought it was the women. Then you realize it's not

946
00:59:50,040 --> 00:59:52,840
Speaker 1: the Women's the money. Then you realize it's not the money,

947
00:59:52,880 --> 00:59:55,960
Speaker 1: it's the time. They like damn, it ain't even a

948
00:59:56,000 --> 00:59:59,680
Speaker 1: time no more. It's always a place of need of

949
00:59:59,760 --> 01:00:02,040
Speaker 1: My anxiety won't let me just be happy in that

950
01:00:02,200 --> 01:00:05,400
Speaker 1: one space funny, and that pisces me off because I

951
01:00:05,480 --> 01:00:09,480
Speaker 1: just want to be unapologetically. I don't give a damningly

952
01:00:09,600 --> 01:00:11,600
Speaker 1: joyful all the time. I want my cheeks to hurt

953
01:00:11,640 --> 01:00:16,200
Speaker 1: from smiling all the time. It just real lit. It

954
01:00:16,320 --> 01:00:19,760
Speaker 1: is Give it to me, man, Give it to man.

955
01:00:19,960 --> 01:00:23,919
Speaker 1: It is realistic. It's just an effort. This is why

956
01:00:23,960 --> 01:00:26,680
Speaker 1: I love care. I mean, I don't use the word

957
01:00:26,880 --> 01:00:30,200
Speaker 1: so lightly, but I do. I appreciate you, and I

958
01:00:30,360 --> 01:00:35,880
Speaker 1: love who you are, young man. I'm so proud of you, really, yeah,

959
01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:39,720
Speaker 1: because you're able to say the things that we all

960
01:00:39,840 --> 01:00:45,200
Speaker 1: feel and Unfortunately, black men don't have the voice. I

961
01:00:45,200 --> 01:00:47,800
Speaker 1: won't say they don't have the opportunity, but maybe that too.

962
01:00:47,840 --> 01:00:52,320
Speaker 1: They don't have the voice to to be transparent, to

963
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:55,160
Speaker 1: say I'm scared, or I'm angry, or I'm anxious or

964
01:00:55,240 --> 01:00:57,400
Speaker 1: you know, all of these things that happen to every

965
01:00:57,480 --> 01:01:01,479
Speaker 1: human being. But you can have happiness. You're just gonna

966
01:01:01,520 --> 01:01:06,120
Speaker 1: have to fight. You're going to have to fight for it. Yep.

967
01:01:06,280 --> 01:01:09,320
Speaker 1: What does that mean? Means that you're going to have

968
01:01:09,400 --> 01:01:12,120
Speaker 1: to guard who you have around you and your family.

969
01:01:13,280 --> 01:01:15,440
Speaker 1: That the people that are around you need to be

970
01:01:15,760 --> 01:01:19,840
Speaker 1: really positive and uplifting, and when they're not, they need

971
01:01:19,880 --> 01:01:24,560
Speaker 1: to excuse themselves gracefully or you need to excuse them gracefully.

972
01:01:25,040 --> 01:01:26,760
Speaker 1: The only reason I know this is because I've been

973
01:01:26,800 --> 01:01:31,200
Speaker 1: working and trying my best to find and stay on

974
01:01:31,200 --> 01:01:34,800
Speaker 1: on a cloud. That's what I want. That's all y'all want,

975
01:01:35,360 --> 01:01:39,080
Speaker 1: you know, to live that cloud. Yeah, man, it's so

976
01:01:39,080 --> 01:01:45,800
Speaker 1: so smell good and just want more time on it.

977
01:01:46,280 --> 01:01:48,200
Speaker 1: You're going to have to learn how to say no

978
01:01:48,360 --> 01:01:51,480
Speaker 1: to some things if you haven't already. You can't do

979
01:01:51,560 --> 01:01:55,080
Speaker 1: everything because you need to rest and because you need

980
01:01:55,120 --> 01:01:57,320
Speaker 1: to hang out with your wife and you need to

981
01:01:57,320 --> 01:01:59,720
Speaker 1: to make sure you're spending time with your daughter and

982
01:02:00,080 --> 01:02:02,720
Speaker 1: need to make sure like we talked about you and

983
01:02:02,760 --> 01:02:09,640
Speaker 1: I having time for yourself. Yes, I agree. I think

984
01:02:09,640 --> 01:02:12,680
Speaker 1: if a lot of it is in time management, Like Okay,

985
01:02:12,720 --> 01:02:14,520
Speaker 1: I did a lot today. I'm gonna take a walk

986
01:02:15,880 --> 01:02:19,160
Speaker 1: and then I'm gonna make sandwich, and then I'm going

987
01:02:19,200 --> 01:02:21,360
Speaker 1: to take a bath, and you know what i mean,

988
01:02:21,400 --> 01:02:26,960
Speaker 1: just finding the ways that make you relax, and then constantly,

989
01:02:27,080 --> 01:02:30,160
Speaker 1: no matter what's going on, finding the things to be

990
01:02:30,240 --> 01:02:32,680
Speaker 1: grateful about, over and over and over again. I'm so

991
01:02:32,720 --> 01:02:35,280
Speaker 1: grateful for that sandwich I just have. I know I've

992
01:02:35,320 --> 01:02:37,520
Speaker 1: been saying sandwich a lot, but I've been eating a sandwich.

993
01:02:37,560 --> 01:02:41,800
Speaker 1: We've been doing this podcast. Yes, and the sweet love

994
01:02:41,880 --> 01:02:44,000
Speaker 1: brought it to me. That's what made it all the better,

995
01:02:44,560 --> 01:02:49,320
Speaker 1: you know. Yeah, what I'm saying, yeah, just keep finding whatever.

996
01:02:49,560 --> 01:02:53,040
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful for these shoes, you know, on your piece,

997
01:02:53,080 --> 01:02:57,240
Speaker 1: to find your piece, whether that be prayer or whatever.

998
01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:01,760
Speaker 1: But that's also a factor. Yeah, definitely. I mean, listen,

999
01:03:01,800 --> 01:03:04,920
Speaker 1: I'm over here with my mind. My mind is blown.

1000
01:03:05,160 --> 01:03:06,840
Speaker 1: First of all, I want to say this, I don't

1001
01:03:06,840 --> 01:03:09,600
Speaker 1: care what you'll say. I posted that video off you

1002
01:03:09,640 --> 01:03:15,520
Speaker 1: and your daughter before she was on before she before

1003
01:03:15,600 --> 01:03:20,600
Speaker 1: she was she right, she right, she right, she right.

1004
01:03:20,640 --> 01:03:25,160
Speaker 1: Don't care. But also let me just say this. Listen.

1005
01:03:25,960 --> 01:03:29,600
Speaker 1: You know, yeah, you can take time to yourself, but

1006
01:03:29,640 --> 01:03:33,560
Speaker 1: if you don't know who you are, if you don't

1007
01:03:33,600 --> 01:03:36,880
Speaker 1: know what you really love outside of the things that

1008
01:03:37,120 --> 01:03:40,200
Speaker 1: you spoke on this yourself, you know, either the things

1009
01:03:40,240 --> 01:03:44,400
Speaker 1: that constitute your roles, then you have time blone doing

1010
01:03:44,440 --> 01:03:50,720
Speaker 1: things and wondering what else you could be doing right now,

1011
01:03:50,720 --> 01:03:52,880
Speaker 1: because that's part of it. That's what I'm working on,

1012
01:03:54,240 --> 01:03:56,640
Speaker 1: to be cent of yourself because not for nothing, Asian

1013
01:03:57,120 --> 01:03:59,040
Speaker 1: I ain't there yet, like I feel him in a

1014
01:03:59,080 --> 01:04:02,600
Speaker 1: way because I'm like, I'm not who I am and

1015
01:04:02,640 --> 01:04:05,040
Speaker 1: what I'm doing here, so that if I don't know,

1016
01:04:05,080 --> 01:04:07,960
Speaker 1: if it's about being a hundred percent, I'm just asking

1017
01:04:08,000 --> 01:04:11,240
Speaker 1: yourself those questions because I think sometimes particularly with our men,

1018
01:04:11,920 --> 01:04:15,680
Speaker 1: they don't get to ask anything. It's all subject to change. Yeah,

1019
01:04:15,720 --> 01:04:17,960
Speaker 1: everything is a subject to change, so there, but they

1020
01:04:18,000 --> 01:04:21,120
Speaker 1: don't get to just pose the question. You know, and

1021
01:04:21,240 --> 01:04:24,520
Speaker 1: posing that question and consistently can can give you at

1022
01:04:24,560 --> 01:04:27,280
Speaker 1: least some space to say, you know, on today, in

1023
01:04:27,360 --> 01:04:29,919
Speaker 1: this moment, I had to learn. And first I thought, hey,

1024
01:04:30,080 --> 01:04:32,920
Speaker 1: asked the question once a week. Now I'm to asking

1025
01:04:32,960 --> 01:04:37,240
Speaker 1: myself that question several times, whereas I wouldn't where I

1026
01:04:37,320 --> 01:04:39,960
Speaker 1: would think, Oh, I gotta make this time to talk

1027
01:04:40,000 --> 01:04:42,680
Speaker 1: to me, you know, and I talked to me all day.

1028
01:04:42,680 --> 01:04:44,960
Speaker 1: I had to walk myself. I told my neighbor the

1029
01:04:45,000 --> 01:04:47,920
Speaker 1: other day, she said, Joe mentioned taking a walk. But

1030
01:04:48,040 --> 01:04:49,680
Speaker 1: I think for me it was more than the walk.

1031
01:04:49,840 --> 01:04:53,000
Speaker 1: It was me saying in this moment right now, who

1032
01:04:53,040 --> 01:04:54,720
Speaker 1: I am is a woman who don't need to be

1033
01:04:54,760 --> 01:04:58,600
Speaker 1: interacting with nobody right now m hm. And the only

1034
01:04:58,600 --> 01:05:01,400
Speaker 1: place I could go to not in correct, was to

1035
01:05:01,440 --> 01:05:06,439
Speaker 1: take a walk. So it was that Asia. Asia has

1036
01:05:06,480 --> 01:05:12,720
Speaker 1: been married to her husband for tea for how many years?

1037
01:05:13,880 --> 01:05:16,760
Speaker 1: Nothing consistently for twenty two years. They don't evolve, eating

1038
01:05:16,760 --> 01:05:22,080
Speaker 1: a breather, and they have six children, Oh sweet God.

1039
01:05:24,520 --> 01:05:30,240
Speaker 1: Together a black family, oh, y'all, a family fans nothing

1040
01:05:30,240 --> 01:05:34,200
Speaker 1: to miss it that they worked together as d and

1041
01:05:34,240 --> 01:05:41,439
Speaker 1: the family soul's super talented couple. Okay, just for two

1042
01:05:41,520 --> 01:05:45,440
Speaker 1: or two together. I know exactly who you are, yo, y'all.

1043
01:05:45,440 --> 01:05:48,320
Speaker 1: A goals man. And I never say that. I never

1044
01:05:48,440 --> 01:05:51,600
Speaker 1: say that because I feel like that's some like surface

1045
01:05:51,640 --> 01:05:55,520
Speaker 1: level type, but like y'all a goals, y'all goals, y'all

1046
01:05:55,520 --> 01:05:58,280
Speaker 1: are goals. That's what's up. I can't do six though

1047
01:05:59,840 --> 01:06:04,880
Speaker 1: I listen. Listen, my brother, don't do it to your

1048
01:06:04,920 --> 01:06:07,240
Speaker 1: brother and your sister. Don't do it, my man, don't

1049
01:06:07,280 --> 01:06:09,640
Speaker 1: do it. I will say this. I'm gonna say this

1050
01:06:09,680 --> 01:06:11,240
Speaker 1: to you though. You've been a gift to us too,

1051
01:06:11,360 --> 01:06:14,520
Speaker 1: because I sent that the video you just recently did

1052
01:06:14,560 --> 01:06:17,520
Speaker 1: to my husbands. I'm in the middle of writing a

1053
01:06:17,600 --> 01:06:21,600
Speaker 1: project and I wrote an entire essay about some feelings

1054
01:06:21,640 --> 01:06:24,840
Speaker 1: that I had about him in light of that as well.

1055
01:06:25,200 --> 01:06:26,760
Speaker 1: But I want to say this to you. You dropped

1056
01:06:26,800 --> 01:06:30,400
Speaker 1: the gym today, even in your anguish. So that's that's

1057
01:06:30,400 --> 01:06:33,320
Speaker 1: your genius really in so many ways, is that your

1058
01:06:33,360 --> 01:06:37,120
Speaker 1: honesty and transparency opens up a space for all of

1059
01:06:37,200 --> 01:06:41,919
Speaker 1: us to find ourselves. So you said you weren't getting

1060
01:06:42,000 --> 01:06:52,040
Speaker 1: enough nutrients out of your joys. Yeah, yeah, that right there,

1061
01:06:52,080 --> 01:06:58,240
Speaker 1: not enough nutrients out of my joy or even that

1062
01:06:58,360 --> 01:07:04,200
Speaker 1: it has a nutrient, Yeah that that you can even Yeah,

1063
01:07:04,240 --> 01:07:06,960
Speaker 1: what works for me? Because I think I think when

1064
01:07:06,960 --> 01:07:09,160
Speaker 1: it comes to joy and finding it, it really is

1065
01:07:09,240 --> 01:07:12,840
Speaker 1: individual I try to think about what my nine year

1066
01:07:12,840 --> 01:07:18,000
Speaker 1: old self really like doing. And I really like riding

1067
01:07:18,040 --> 01:07:22,040
Speaker 1: my bike with my basket, and I like going around

1068
01:07:22,040 --> 01:07:31,160
Speaker 1: the block and humming my little songs. I really love that.

1069
01:07:31,560 --> 01:07:34,880
Speaker 1: And I tried my best, Like for the Tyler Perry party,

1070
01:07:35,120 --> 01:07:39,520
Speaker 1: that big Tyler Perry revealing of his new studio, I

1071
01:07:39,600 --> 01:07:41,640
Speaker 1: was nervous. It was so many people and it was

1072
01:07:41,680 --> 01:07:43,840
Speaker 1: such a big deal, and I was scared. And then

1073
01:07:43,880 --> 01:07:46,480
Speaker 1: I wear the right thing, or they're gonna ask me questions.

1074
01:07:46,840 --> 01:07:50,680
Speaker 1: Fuck fuck fuck fu fu funck all of that. And

1075
01:07:50,760 --> 01:07:54,920
Speaker 1: instead I decided that I was gonna be nine on

1076
01:07:54,960 --> 01:07:58,840
Speaker 1: the bike and I rode around and all my all

1077
01:07:58,880 --> 01:08:02,480
Speaker 1: my legs, and I looked at everything that was happening,

1078
01:08:03,200 --> 01:08:08,920
Speaker 1: and I was like, and I had a wonderful time

1079
01:08:09,320 --> 01:08:12,720
Speaker 1: because I didn't feed into what I was supposed to

1080
01:08:12,760 --> 01:08:15,520
Speaker 1: be doing or what I was supposed to be feeling. Like.

1081
01:08:16,040 --> 01:08:19,439
Speaker 1: I decided I was just gonna enjoy this thing and

1082
01:08:19,600 --> 01:08:22,360
Speaker 1: look at everything, and I want to taste that, and

1083
01:08:22,520 --> 01:08:25,360
Speaker 1: I want to say hi to this guy high and

1084
01:08:25,479 --> 01:08:27,920
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go over here. It doesn't matter to me

1085
01:08:28,040 --> 01:08:31,120
Speaker 1: what you think. It doesn't matter to me what you

1086
01:08:31,200 --> 01:08:33,840
Speaker 1: think I'm here for a reason. I know that because

1087
01:08:33,880 --> 01:08:36,880
Speaker 1: I'm here, and that's it. How did you get there?

1088
01:08:37,439 --> 01:08:41,360
Speaker 1: How did you get there twenty years? That's how it is?

1089
01:08:41,400 --> 01:08:47,920
Speaker 1: Something to time a little bit. Sorry, yep, I think

1090
01:08:47,960 --> 01:08:50,800
Speaker 1: that's such an important part of it. It's like when

1091
01:08:50,800 --> 01:08:53,800
Speaker 1: you see these weightloss videos and you just see her

1092
01:08:53,960 --> 01:08:56,320
Speaker 1: with the after and the coke bottle and then before

1093
01:08:56,400 --> 01:08:58,559
Speaker 1: she got on like the big MoU MoU, and you

1094
01:08:58,600 --> 01:09:01,080
Speaker 1: know that's and it's to be like, look, I lost

1095
01:09:01,080 --> 01:09:08,000
Speaker 1: eighty pails in three weeks, right, cool? But how how

1096
01:09:08,240 --> 01:09:11,400
Speaker 1: is the hard part? And they do that? How is

1097
01:09:11,439 --> 01:09:15,240
Speaker 1: what your experiencing, what you're doing? How is And honestly,

1098
01:09:15,280 --> 01:09:18,439
Speaker 1: I mean, let's just keep it one hundred these kinds

1099
01:09:18,479 --> 01:09:22,639
Speaker 1: of the thoughts publicly for black men and for black

1100
01:09:22,680 --> 01:09:25,679
Speaker 1: women to witness, it is elevating the conversation, is helping

1101
01:09:25,680 --> 01:09:29,679
Speaker 1: other people to get there quicker. So in the time

1102
01:09:29,720 --> 01:09:32,519
Speaker 1: that it takes you, you know that that the time

1103
01:09:32,640 --> 01:09:37,000
Speaker 1: aspect is really just about the patience and the forgiveness

1104
01:09:37,560 --> 01:09:40,160
Speaker 1: in the in the compassion and empathy that you must

1105
01:09:40,200 --> 01:09:42,840
Speaker 1: exhibit for yourself. You know what I mean. I think

1106
01:09:42,840 --> 01:09:45,160
Speaker 1: a lot of times we find compassion and easy thing

1107
01:09:45,240 --> 01:09:48,680
Speaker 1: to give other people, but we don't find it an

1108
01:09:48,680 --> 01:09:51,840
Speaker 1: easy thing to give ourselves. The time allows you to

1109
01:09:51,880 --> 01:09:55,000
Speaker 1: be compassionate and giving you that perspective, you know what

1110
01:09:55,040 --> 01:09:58,000
Speaker 1: I'm saying, and accepting that when people say something to you,

1111
01:09:58,000 --> 01:09:59,880
Speaker 1: when they say, hey, man, you help me get there,

1112
01:10:00,200 --> 01:10:02,960
Speaker 1: that's a real thing, right, That's a real thing that

1113
01:10:03,040 --> 01:10:05,599
Speaker 1: you can own, and you can own that, you can

1114
01:10:05,600 --> 01:10:07,320
Speaker 1: own that as a as a part of your your

1115
01:10:07,360 --> 01:10:09,800
Speaker 1: journey and your vessel. It's like, yeah, I did I

1116
01:10:10,200 --> 01:10:14,040
Speaker 1: helped someone, and that I'm not a phone you or

1117
01:10:14,160 --> 01:10:17,800
Speaker 1: fake because it's taking me longer to get there. I

1118
01:10:17,840 --> 01:10:22,080
Speaker 1: helped you get there. I was busy helping you. You're

1119
01:10:22,080 --> 01:10:25,720
Speaker 1: talking on some stuff now, yeah, because that's the thing

1120
01:10:26,760 --> 01:10:31,760
Speaker 1: I was. I was busy putting my stuff out into

1121
01:10:31,800 --> 01:10:35,120
Speaker 1: the universe and being the vessel, you know what I mean.

1122
01:10:35,200 --> 01:10:38,519
Speaker 1: Because sometimes that can be heavy too. I know, Asia

1123
01:10:38,560 --> 01:10:40,920
Speaker 1: Infatine carry that weight a lot of times with even

1124
01:10:40,920 --> 01:10:43,240
Speaker 1: the perception of what their life is and who they are.

1125
01:10:43,640 --> 01:10:45,320
Speaker 1: But I feel like the more that you pass on

1126
01:10:45,360 --> 01:10:47,559
Speaker 1: your word and the more that you you get people

1127
01:10:47,600 --> 01:10:50,120
Speaker 1: to open up like you, the less heavy that gets.

1128
01:10:50,600 --> 01:10:52,559
Speaker 1: Right because the way it's being distributed now because it's

1129
01:10:52,600 --> 01:10:55,040
Speaker 1: not just me. You know, if you would have told

1130
01:10:55,080 --> 01:10:58,720
Speaker 1: me that about a year ago, I didn't have the

1131
01:10:58,800 --> 01:11:01,720
Speaker 1: faith in people that I have now. After like this

1132
01:11:01,760 --> 01:11:04,200
Speaker 1: whole social media explosion, I get a lot of dams.

1133
01:11:04,240 --> 01:11:06,439
Speaker 1: I can't even get through them all. Man, my cousin,

1134
01:11:06,479 --> 01:11:09,360
Speaker 1: we were deleting them for three hours and it's still

1135
01:11:09,400 --> 01:11:12,360
Speaker 1: said nine hundred ninety nine, which is as high as

1136
01:11:12,360 --> 01:11:15,360
Speaker 1: it counts. They weren't moving. There's probably tens of thousands

1137
01:11:15,360 --> 01:11:18,240
Speaker 1: of them in there. But some people really just speak

1138
01:11:18,280 --> 01:11:20,719
Speaker 1: about their lives and where they are, and maybe something

1139
01:11:20,760 --> 01:11:24,479
Speaker 1: I said sparked or kindle them to have some sort

1140
01:11:24,520 --> 01:11:29,200
Speaker 1: of either transformative change or the first step toward it,

1141
01:11:29,360 --> 01:11:32,559
Speaker 1: or something that is on their radar that they've never

1142
01:11:32,600 --> 01:11:35,840
Speaker 1: thought about before. And it's like when you create music

1143
01:11:35,920 --> 01:11:38,680
Speaker 1: or any other art, you'll spend twenty five minutes, you

1144
01:11:38,880 --> 01:11:40,760
Speaker 1: you're spend three days working on a song. You're like,

1145
01:11:40,800 --> 01:11:43,519
Speaker 1: this is my baby, this is my passion, and you

1146
01:11:43,640 --> 01:11:45,439
Speaker 1: release it. But this is the song that you kind

1147
01:11:45,439 --> 01:11:46,840
Speaker 1: of like, you're not kind of like this, let me

1148
01:11:46,840 --> 01:11:48,559
Speaker 1: put it out here, and everyone's like, oh my god,

1149
01:11:48,600 --> 01:11:51,880
Speaker 1: that's the greatest thing you ever wrote. And I feel

1150
01:11:51,920 --> 01:11:54,519
Speaker 1: like that with the thoughts. So it's easy to discount

1151
01:11:54,560 --> 01:11:56,560
Speaker 1: it when people say, oh man, it's really changed the

1152
01:11:56,600 --> 01:11:59,240
Speaker 1: way I think. But I'm really starting to sit in

1153
01:11:59,360 --> 01:12:02,120
Speaker 1: it and really lies how big that is. If someone

1154
01:12:02,160 --> 01:12:04,360
Speaker 1: can have a shift in thinking to take that back

1155
01:12:04,400 --> 01:12:07,120
Speaker 1: to their family. How must you're introducing joy into other

1156
01:12:07,120 --> 01:12:09,599
Speaker 1: people's lives and they didn't even understand the concept. That's

1157
01:12:09,840 --> 01:12:13,000
Speaker 1: wild to me. I mean, I'm very thankful that I

1158
01:12:13,000 --> 01:12:16,960
Speaker 1: can do that. I'm really thankful. I'm really, really really

1159
01:12:17,000 --> 01:12:20,599
Speaker 1: thankful because you can't put a value on that, especially

1160
01:12:20,640 --> 01:12:23,320
Speaker 1: now where and you don't have all the answers to

1161
01:12:23,400 --> 01:12:26,200
Speaker 1: own that piece, right, So you don't have to have

1162
01:12:26,320 --> 01:12:28,040
Speaker 1: all that Like I don't have to have a perfect

1163
01:12:28,080 --> 01:12:33,240
Speaker 1: marriage to celebrate love, to celebrate family. I don't have

1164
01:12:33,320 --> 01:12:36,559
Speaker 1: to have a perfect relationship to know that my man

1165
01:12:36,720 --> 01:12:40,280
Speaker 1: is so beautiful, you know what I mean. And he

1166
01:12:40,400 --> 01:12:43,320
Speaker 1: got hell of flaws, you know what I'm saying. But

1167
01:12:43,400 --> 01:12:46,240
Speaker 1: I don't have to all those things that we allow

1168
01:12:46,320 --> 01:12:49,920
Speaker 1: white supremacy to tell us that our excellence has to

1169
01:12:49,960 --> 01:12:53,679
Speaker 1: be paired with perfection, and that is not the truth.

1170
01:12:54,040 --> 01:12:57,479
Speaker 1: Black people are excellent in the mundane. So at that

1171
01:12:57,560 --> 01:13:00,280
Speaker 1: part of it, it's that you don't have to live

1172
01:13:00,360 --> 01:13:07,240
Speaker 1: up to any expectation of perfection, and specifically in your

1173
01:13:07,360 --> 01:13:12,000
Speaker 1: own mind, because it's your mind is the one that

1174
01:13:12,120 --> 01:13:15,519
Speaker 1: you are tussling with, not tussling with anyone else. You're

1175
01:13:15,520 --> 01:13:18,800
Speaker 1: tussling with you. And that tussling with you. Oh yeah, baby,

1176
01:13:18,840 --> 01:13:22,200
Speaker 1: that's that, Like, that's the one that ain't going away.

1177
01:13:22,280 --> 01:13:27,240
Speaker 1: That's that tussle that's gonna be there. You get, we

1178
01:13:27,320 --> 01:13:32,000
Speaker 1: get a little we're getting a little closer. Yeah, taking

1179
01:13:32,040 --> 01:13:34,200
Speaker 1: your advice. You said it, you said, man, it's the

1180
01:13:34,240 --> 01:13:38,040
Speaker 1: relationship you have with the anxiety, you know, And some

1181
01:13:38,120 --> 01:13:39,960
Speaker 1: days it's gonna be a tussle. Some days you're all

1182
01:13:40,000 --> 01:13:42,479
Speaker 1: gonna be cuddled. Some days you're gonna be like, hey man,

1183
01:13:42,520 --> 01:13:44,599
Speaker 1: what's up. And some days you'll be like, nigga, get

1184
01:13:44,640 --> 01:13:46,160
Speaker 1: the hell out of my face. And you got to

1185
01:13:46,240 --> 01:13:49,439
Speaker 1: be okay with that. You got to be okay with

1186
01:13:49,479 --> 01:13:52,080
Speaker 1: it that, you got to be okay with that, and

1187
01:13:52,120 --> 01:13:55,400
Speaker 1: that that goes back to I think the Bailey Wick

1188
01:13:55,400 --> 01:13:58,640
Speaker 1: of everything we've been talking about, and that's like expectations,

1189
01:13:58,880 --> 01:14:01,560
Speaker 1: managing your expects sations and knowing where you are. I

1190
01:14:01,680 --> 01:14:04,519
Speaker 1: met this Tyler Perry party. I don't feel comfortable. I'm

1191
01:14:04,600 --> 01:14:07,200
Speaker 1: going to okay, what do I want? I want to

1192
01:14:07,200 --> 01:14:09,280
Speaker 1: feel comfortable. I'm gonna be my nine ye oe, so

1193
01:14:09,479 --> 01:14:12,599
Speaker 1: for my motherfucking bite and I'm a smile and I'm

1194
01:14:12,600 --> 01:14:15,960
Speaker 1: gonna be okay, And I think what all of us

1195
01:14:16,000 --> 01:14:19,320
Speaker 1: need to hear. Sometimes it even takes your Scott twenty

1196
01:14:19,400 --> 01:14:22,880
Speaker 1: years to get there. You know, we need to hear

1197
01:14:22,960 --> 01:14:25,240
Speaker 1: that part. We need to hear, Like I can take

1198
01:14:25,240 --> 01:14:27,800
Speaker 1: these pictures with my wife. It was funny. We had

1199
01:14:28,439 --> 01:14:31,880
Speaker 1: I thought a surprise like drive by birthday celebration and

1200
01:14:31,960 --> 01:14:34,880
Speaker 1: we recorded it and we were beefing at the time.

1201
01:14:34,960 --> 01:14:38,640
Speaker 1: We weren't even speaking like we we were. We we

1202
01:14:38,640 --> 01:14:40,360
Speaker 1: were just in that. You know, you hit those places

1203
01:14:40,360 --> 01:14:42,519
Speaker 1: in your marriage where I love you, but I don't

1204
01:14:42,640 --> 01:14:44,479
Speaker 1: like you, and I don't want to talk to you

1205
01:14:44,600 --> 01:14:46,559
Speaker 1: right now unless I have to. But I'm gonna throw

1206
01:14:46,600 --> 01:14:52,880
Speaker 1: you this goddamn perfect and you're gonna like it. But

1207
01:14:53,200 --> 01:14:56,759
Speaker 1: that's what it is. And that's the complexity of being human.

1208
01:14:57,520 --> 01:15:00,479
Speaker 1: That's the complexity of being human with another a human,

1209
01:15:00,520 --> 01:15:04,160
Speaker 1: being human with yourself, realizing that you're more human than

1210
01:15:04,160 --> 01:15:08,280
Speaker 1: you thought you were originally. Care I want you to

1211
01:15:08,320 --> 01:15:11,680
Speaker 1: think really, really big Okay, I just want you to

1212
01:15:11,680 --> 01:15:16,920
Speaker 1: think really really dumb, big huge, bigger than huge. Jackian

1213
01:15:17,040 --> 01:15:20,600
Speaker 1: take enormous, right, Because we talked about this before. We

1214
01:15:20,920 --> 01:15:25,400
Speaker 1: haven't really been living. We've been surviving. So to teach

1215
01:15:25,439 --> 01:15:29,160
Speaker 1: people how to just be human. Ain't that some ship

1216
01:15:29,280 --> 01:15:32,280
Speaker 1: that we got to learn how to be human? That

1217
01:15:32,360 --> 01:15:35,080
Speaker 1: we've been lost? But I don't know that we ever

1218
01:15:35,160 --> 01:15:40,000
Speaker 1: had as a people. We've been surviving and struggling and

1219
01:15:40,080 --> 01:15:44,960
Speaker 1: making do and catching thing, catching up, but not exactly living.

1220
01:15:45,320 --> 01:15:48,040
Speaker 1: So you're doing it and it looks good on you

1221
01:15:48,520 --> 01:15:51,559
Speaker 1: and am very very happy for your young man. And

1222
01:15:51,600 --> 01:15:56,520
Speaker 1: if you need us, man Jay dot Ill the podcast

1223
01:15:57,320 --> 01:16:22,479
Speaker 1: how I had us, I know it's true. Hey, it's

1224
01:16:22,560 --> 01:16:26,000
Speaker 1: me Eves, a producer on the podcast, showing up again

1225
01:16:26,160 --> 01:16:30,080
Speaker 1: to offer you resources related to this episode. This time,

1226
01:16:30,280 --> 01:16:33,400
Speaker 1: Asia wants you to know about the Philly based organization

1227
01:16:33,880 --> 01:16:38,679
Speaker 1: Black Men Healed. Therapy is still, after all these years

1228
01:16:38,720 --> 01:16:42,200
Speaker 1: of struggling in silence, something that many of us black

1229
01:16:42,240 --> 01:16:46,040
Speaker 1: folks don't want to touch or even consider. But as

1230
01:16:46,080 --> 01:16:48,320
Speaker 1: you can tell, that's not what we're about here on

1231
01:16:48,360 --> 01:16:52,080
Speaker 1: this show. Agia believes helping black men deal with trauma

1232
01:16:52,200 --> 01:16:55,599
Speaker 1: is at the heart of strengthening their relationship with black women.

1233
01:16:56,160 --> 01:16:59,920
Speaker 1: Black Men Heal's mission is to quote provide access to men,

1234
01:17:00,000 --> 01:17:04,760
Speaker 1: total health treatment, psycho education, and community resources to men

1235
01:17:04,920 --> 01:17:08,640
Speaker 1: of color. They offer free therapy services and aim to

1236
01:17:08,640 --> 01:17:12,439
Speaker 1: help remove the stigma around black men talking about and

1237
01:17:12,680 --> 01:17:16,600
Speaker 1: caring for their mental health. Of course, black people of

1238
01:17:16,680 --> 01:17:20,320
Speaker 1: any gender can benefit from therapy, but it's a particularly

1239
01:17:20,360 --> 01:17:24,040
Speaker 1: taboo subject for black men, and we want to dismantle

1240
01:17:24,200 --> 01:17:27,960
Speaker 1: that mindset. So yes, even if you can't access Black

1241
01:17:28,000 --> 01:17:31,479
Speaker 1: Men Heal, a mental health professional is likely within reach.

1242
01:17:32,160 --> 01:17:35,200
Speaker 1: As always, I'll drop a link to the organization's website

1243
01:17:35,240 --> 01:17:43,639
Speaker 1: in the episode description. Thank you for listening to Jill

1244
01:17:43,720 --> 01:18:02,240
Speaker 1: Scott Presents j dot Ill the Podcast. This podcast is

1245
01:18:02,280 --> 01:18:06,400
Speaker 1: hosted by Jill Scott, Laya st Clair, and Age Graden Danceller.

1246
01:18:06,880 --> 01:18:10,799
Speaker 1: It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Shawn Ji and Brian Calhoun.

1247
01:18:11,240 --> 01:18:14,920
Speaker 1: It's produced by Laya st Clair and me He's Jeff Coke.

1248
01:18:15,200 --> 01:18:17,760
Speaker 1: The editing and sound design for this episode we're done

1249
01:18:17,880 --> 01:18:27,400
Speaker 1: by Christina Loranger. Listen when Jill Scott calls you randomly

1250
01:18:27,640 --> 01:18:29,280
Speaker 1: at like eight thirty, because you know she don't know

1251
01:18:29,320 --> 01:18:33,000
Speaker 1: she Jail Scott. You know you know she don't get it,

1252
01:18:33,080 --> 01:18:43,160
Speaker 1: like no, no, right, but yes you say she don't

1253
01:18:43,160 --> 01:18:46,120
Speaker 1: get it and I love that about it. J dot

1254
01:18:46,120 --> 01:18:49,800
Speaker 1: Ill is a production of I heart Radio. For more

1255
01:18:49,880 --> 01:18:53,960
Speaker 1: podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app,

1256
01:18:54,360 --> 01:18:58,400
Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.