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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat and I am

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Speaker 1: the host. Now, before we get started, quick reminder that

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Speaker 1: although I am a therapist, this podcast does not serve

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Speaker 1: as a replacement for mental health services or therapy. However,

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Speaker 1: this podcast might lead you to those things. Now today

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Speaker 1: we have a fun episode because if you go to therapy.

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Speaker 1: When you're in therapy, we are gonna be talking about

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Speaker 1: the questions that you probably want to ask your therapist

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Speaker 1: but choose not to. I got the idea for this

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Speaker 1: podcast episode because I don't know why this popped into

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Speaker 1: my head, but I remembered the love ballad to Your

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Speaker 1: Therapist that Kristen Bell wrote and did a funny little

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Speaker 1: music video on years ago eighteen. I think this is

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Speaker 1: what I'm seeing when it came out. I might have

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Speaker 1: come out before then. That's just when I remember seeing it,

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Speaker 1: but it's so funny and it just like talked about

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Speaker 1: like what her inside thoughts were. I'll length the video

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Speaker 1: in the show notes. I wanted to play it, but

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Speaker 1: it was too long for us to be able to play.

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Speaker 1: But it just talked about like the things she thought

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Speaker 1: about her therapist when she was like out of session

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Speaker 1: and what she thought her life was going to was

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Speaker 1: like and it was just funny. So I got me thinking,

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Speaker 1: like I go to therapy, so I have these questions too,

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Speaker 1: what are the things that we're wondering but sometimes we

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Speaker 1: like are too afraid to ask, or we like wanted

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Speaker 1: the answer, but we don't want to know the answer.

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Speaker 1: And so today we're gonna be going through those things.

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Speaker 1: I picked ten, I could have picked more because I

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Speaker 1: think there are more. So up there's some questions that

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Speaker 1: I don't talk about. Send them to me, eail them

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Speaker 1: to me, d m them to me, because I find

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Speaker 1: the stuff interesting and fun and brings a little bit

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Speaker 1: of a lightness to therapy which can be very serious

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Speaker 1: most of the time, which last week we talked about

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Speaker 1: we got to find some pleasure. So here you guys are.

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Speaker 1: This episode is about that. So let's just start and

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Speaker 1: go straight into them. I chose number one as the

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Speaker 1: one I think is the most popular and you might

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Speaker 1: be able to guess it, so like, if you want

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Speaker 1: to guess it, I'm going to give you a second

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Speaker 1: to guess. Okay, So the first question is do you

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Speaker 1: like me? And I really think that the majority of

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Speaker 1: people wonder this. I wonder this, And another variation of

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Speaker 1: this is, well, do you like me more than your

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Speaker 1: other clients? Am I one of your favorite clients? Do

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Speaker 1: you look forward to seeing me? Those are all kind

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Speaker 1: of variations of the same kind of thing right there.

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Speaker 1: Some people will actually joke about this with me like

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Speaker 1: some clients, or I think in general people probably do

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Speaker 1: with other therapists too. But I think that this really

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Speaker 1: is like clients wonder this, and it kind of would

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Speaker 1: be weird if somebody didn't care. Now, most likely your

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Speaker 1: therapist does like you. But the truth is it doesn't

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Speaker 1: really actually matter. We don't have to like our clients

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Speaker 1: to be able to help them. I mean, I guess

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Speaker 1: it's not a hurtful bonus, but I would argue that

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Speaker 1: it's a more important for your therapist to care about

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Speaker 1: you than like you. And I can go on record

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Speaker 1: right now saying I have cared about every single client

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Speaker 1: I've ever had. Did I like every single client I've

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Speaker 1: ever had? This depends on the type of like, like

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Speaker 1: what I want to be friends with them? Did I

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Speaker 1: look forward to seeing them? That could be a yes

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Speaker 1: or no for a variety of different reasons. So I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna leave that question elusive. But as long as the therapist,

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Speaker 1: whoever the therapist is, is monitoring their own stuff, making

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Speaker 1: sure that the counter transference that happens sometimes in sessions,

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Speaker 1: which is when like the client reminds the therapists of

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Speaker 1: something in his or her life, as long as we're

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Speaker 1: like really monitoring that and that's not getting in the

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Speaker 1: way of the work they're doing, the question really doesn't

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Speaker 1: have much relevance to the ability to make a difference

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Speaker 1: in actual work. But this could be a cool thing

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Speaker 1: to talk about with your therapist for also a number

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Speaker 1: of reasons. I'm not saying that you need an answer

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Speaker 1: from your therapist, but it could be a cool thing

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Speaker 1: to talk about what comes up around your desire for

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Speaker 1: him or her to like you and kind of see

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Speaker 1: where that goes. So I'm just going to go out

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Speaker 1: there and say I would be more concerned with if

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Speaker 1: your therapist cares about you then if they like you,

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Speaker 1: because when it all comes down to it, they're not

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Speaker 1: in your real life. They don't really have to like you.

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Speaker 1: It's not that important. So let's move on to number two.

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Speaker 1: So let's say your therapist cares about you. Do you

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Speaker 1: just care about me because I pay you? Now? This question,

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Speaker 1: I think is tricky and it's kind of unfair because

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Speaker 1: most of the time, the only reason your therapist knows

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Speaker 1: who you are is because you're their client. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: I guess you could say that the only reason they

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Speaker 1: care about you is because they're your client. But that

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you are paying somebody to care about you.

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Speaker 1: I just wouldn't know who you were, so I wouldn't

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Speaker 1: have the ability to care for you. And the reason

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Speaker 1: I think that this is kind of unfair too, is

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Speaker 1: that being a therapist is a job and it's how

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Speaker 1: we make money, and it's a job centered around helping people.

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Speaker 1: But I don't think I'd be spending thirty plus hours

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Speaker 1: a week helping people this way if I wasn't getting

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Speaker 1: paid for it. And I don't know, I get on

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Speaker 1: this kind of soapbox sometimes about how therapists are expected

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Speaker 1: to be like altruistic all the time and to the

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Speaker 1: utmost degree of empathetic just because the nature of their job.

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Speaker 1: And I mean, if you're not that way, it doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean that you're a bad person or you're even bad

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Speaker 1: at your job. And we're human, so we have a

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Speaker 1: threshold when it comes to all things, like we can

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Speaker 1: only do so much and we only have so much

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Speaker 1: energy to give, and so this isn't even like pertaining

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Speaker 1: to this question, but I do think that's something that

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Speaker 1: like therapists are seen as these people that have to

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Speaker 1: be like always kind and always thinking of other people,

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Speaker 1: and always doing things just for the sake of doing them,

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Speaker 1: and like we're not allowed to actually want to have

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Speaker 1: careers and make money and be successful financially, and that

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Speaker 1: gets kind of hard, and there's a difference in exploiting

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Speaker 1: clients for a financial gain and being good at what

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Speaker 1: you do and being able to be financially successful because

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Speaker 1: of that, there's also a soapbox I get on on

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Speaker 1: like price gouging when it comes to I don't even

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Speaker 1: know if that's the right term, but like when it

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Speaker 1: comes to paying for therapy, because yeah, like especially in

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Speaker 1: certain parts of the country or world, no matter where

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Speaker 1: you're listening to this, the rates for therapists are going

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Speaker 1: to be different. And I think there's something to be

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Speaker 1: said that when therapy is at a place where it's

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Speaker 1: like a really high demand and it scares or if

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Speaker 1: we just kind of like get big heads ourselves, and

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Speaker 1: like the demand for an individual therapist is really high.

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Speaker 1: The prices and fees for therapy can be kind of outrageous,

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Speaker 1: and you want to make sure that you're actually getting

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Speaker 1: what you're paying for. So just because somebody charges seven

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Speaker 1: hundred dollars a session, which is insane, doesn't mean they

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Speaker 1: are worth seven for that session. Because we make our

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Speaker 1: own rates when it comes to private practice, so there's

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Speaker 1: no like guiding body of that. There's no ethical like

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Speaker 1: guidelines for our prices. And so I would just tell you, guys,

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Speaker 1: I don't even know how this is what I'm talking

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Speaker 1: about when it comes to this question, but this is

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Speaker 1: where my brain lead me. But I would really m

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Speaker 1: encourage you guys to be mindful when you are accepting

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Speaker 1: the rate of a therapist, and you always have the

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Speaker 1: ability to ask if they have a sliding scale, if

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Speaker 1: you can't afford what their rate is. But again, just

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Speaker 1: because somebody's charging something doesn't mean you're going to actually

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Speaker 1: get that level of a service, So be cautious. I

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Speaker 1: think it's what I'm saying, And I mean some people

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Speaker 1: are worth that, and some programs are worth that, and

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Speaker 1: some workshops are really worth the money, but I just

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Speaker 1: want you to make sure that you're not being exploited

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Speaker 1: because that is something that I've just been monitoring lately

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Speaker 1: and I hate it. And at the same time, going

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Speaker 1: back to the question, we don't just care about you

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Speaker 1: because we're getting paid. It's our job, so we're getting paid.

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Speaker 1: But I would say I can't be paid to care

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Speaker 1: about somebody. I don't know how to make my mind

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Speaker 1: work that way, but most of the time I am

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Speaker 1: at work working with a client in that moment because

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Speaker 1: they're paying me, So that to me is like a

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Speaker 1: matter of how you look at something. And I want

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Speaker 1: to go back to what I said in the beginning

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Speaker 1: of Yeah, you are paying us for our service, but

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Speaker 1: you're not paying for us to care about you. We

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Speaker 1: care about you because we get to know you and

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Speaker 1: we want to help people in general. We don't care

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Speaker 1: about you just because you're paying us. And if I

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Speaker 1: end a relationship with a client, of a client ends

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Speaker 1: up being like, oh I don't really need to come anymore,

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Speaker 1: or they move or something, I still care for them

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Speaker 1: even though they're not still paying me. And if they

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Speaker 1: sent me an email or a text, I would like

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Speaker 1: be so excited to hear from them and and get

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Speaker 1: that as long as it's within trees. Number three, have

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Speaker 1: you ever looked me up on social media? And can

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Speaker 1: you tell if I've looked you up? Now, we're not

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Speaker 1: supposed to do this, but it doesn't mean that someone

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Speaker 1: hasn't done it because of curiosity. Right to me, this

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Speaker 1: is a matter of confidentiality and a matter of respect.

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Speaker 1: And also it really ties into our ability to remain unbiased.

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Speaker 1: For example, if I'm stalking somebody's Instagram as a therapist,

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Speaker 1: then it might be hard for me to remember when

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Speaker 1: someone's telling me a story if I know certain details

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Speaker 1: from what they've told me or from what I've seen

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Speaker 1: on Instagram, and personally, it's just not worth it. Also,

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Speaker 1: if my client lies to me or even just like

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Speaker 1: bend the truth a little bit, that can put me

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Speaker 1: in a dilemma where like I might know their line,

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Speaker 1: but I know their line because I'm looking at their

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Speaker 1: social media, but I'm not supposed to be looking at

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Speaker 1: their social media, and it gets very convoluted and it

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Speaker 1: can be damaging to the relationship up and it's again

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Speaker 1: just not worth it to me to do that. Now,

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Speaker 1: clients might show me something on their Instagram. They might

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Speaker 1: message me something on Instagram. Of course I don't follow

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Speaker 1: any of my clients. Your therapists should not follow you.

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Speaker 1: That is somewhat a no no no. But I might

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Speaker 1: see something because it showed me, but I'm not going

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Speaker 1: behind their backs and looking at stuff. Also, again, I

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Speaker 1: want to go back to the respect part, just like

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Speaker 1: I wouldn't want somebody stalking me, although I mean I

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Speaker 1: know it probably happens, it's like a respect. If I

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Speaker 1: wanted them to know something or see something, I would

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Speaker 1: tell them or show them. And this is a little

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Speaker 1: bit different for me personally because I have a public

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Speaker 1: Instagram that clients can totally follow, but on that account,

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Speaker 1: I would never post anything on my profile that I

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Speaker 1: wouldn't want a client to see, which is why I'm

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Speaker 1: a big fan of the close Friends list and I

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Speaker 1: personally probably have more friends in my close friend less

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Speaker 1: than are actually my close friend because I use it

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Speaker 1: more of like a friends list where I can post

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Speaker 1: things whether I'm like out doing something with my family

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Speaker 1: or my friends or my boyfriend, I can post something

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Speaker 1: that is more personal that I just wouldn't want, just

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Speaker 1: like a client to see, not because I'm doing something bad,

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Speaker 1: but just because it's personal. However, I will say this,

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Speaker 1: You guys know that on TikTok it shows you videos

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Speaker 1: of people in your contact lists. So if I have

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Speaker 1: a number saved on the phone that I'm on TikTok on,

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Speaker 1: I might see a client's TikTok and usually I just

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Speaker 1: brush right past them because I'm like, they probably don't

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Speaker 1: want me to see this, but I just want you

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Speaker 1: guys to know that that is the thing that happens.

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Speaker 1: Also part of that question, I can't tell if people

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Speaker 1: stalk me. I have no idea. I don't know if

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Speaker 1: there's like an app for that, But I have no

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Speaker 1: way to know if you've looked at my stuff other

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Speaker 1: than if you liked something or told me about it.

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Speaker 1: Number four, do you talk about me or tell my

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Speaker 1: stories to your friends? Okay, so a hundred percent yes,

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Speaker 1: this happens, and it happens for maybe reasons that you

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Speaker 1: might not know. It's not just about like taking stories

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Speaker 1: that you've told in a session and making them entertainment.

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Speaker 1: We talk about stories with clients, with colleagues, and this

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Speaker 1: has done more in the vein of when we need

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Speaker 1: a consult like we need to staff our cases and

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Speaker 1: make sure that we're kind of on the right track,

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Speaker 1: or asking another therapist like hey, what would you do

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Speaker 1: in this situation? Or like if you're really excited about

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Speaker 1: like an intervention or or some progress, we might share

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Speaker 1: that of like hey, I did this really cool thing

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Speaker 1: I wanted to share with you now. I also will

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Speaker 1: use examples of stories with clients with other clients to

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Speaker 1: help normalize things that they're going through. But again you

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Speaker 1: have to remember, in any of these circumstances, we are

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Speaker 1: bound by confidentiality. I could never and would never give

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Speaker 1: any info that would ever give a glimpse of a

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Speaker 1: clue who somebody is. Like that isn't the biggest no

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Speaker 1: other than sleeping with your clients, you know, um, But

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Speaker 1: confidentiality is so important, so I would never want to

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Speaker 1: risk that at all. And also like, yeah, there are

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Speaker 1: times that a therapist will share stories with their friends

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Speaker 1: about something that happened in a session, just like anybody

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Speaker 1: at any job is like sharing a story from work.

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Speaker 1: But again we are bound by confidentiality, so we can't

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Speaker 1: use names or any identifying information, whether it's like where

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Speaker 1: the story was, who was in the story, what they

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Speaker 1: look like none of that, so we don't have as

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Speaker 1: much um I guess leeway to like tell the fullness

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Speaker 1: of the story. And you also have to take an

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Speaker 1: account the kind of person your therapist is, which there

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Speaker 1: are some bad therapists out there. I hope that you

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Speaker 1: don't have one of those people. But therapists aren't out

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Speaker 1: here just like making fun of all of their clients.

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Speaker 1: That would kind of signify like you're kind of in

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Speaker 1: the wrong field. So if we're telling a story about

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Speaker 1: a client, it's most likely not going to be exploiting

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Speaker 1: you out of pure entertainment by making fun of you.

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Speaker 1: Now you'll also find that therapists don't really want to

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Speaker 1: talk about therapy all the time. Yeah, Like everybody likes

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Speaker 1: to talk about work to an extent, and people have

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Speaker 1: moments where they don't want to talk about work at all,

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Speaker 1: and some people don't ever want to talk about work.

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Speaker 1: So more often than not, I don't want to talk

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Speaker 1: about what happened at work after work with random people,

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Speaker 1: especially people that aren't in the mental health field. Now

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Speaker 1: I might talk about again with a friend who works

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Speaker 1: in mental health about a client and kind of get

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Speaker 1: feedback more in like a console sort of way. But really,

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Speaker 1: when I get home, I want to be home, and

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Speaker 1: I want to be with my people, and I want

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Speaker 1: to talk about my own life because all day I

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Speaker 1: don't get to do that, And I want to talk

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Speaker 1: about my friends lives and I want to dive into

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Speaker 1: that stuff. And I want to watch stupid TV and

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Speaker 1: kind of like, let me rob my brain for a

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Speaker 1: little bit rather than like continue to talk about what

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Speaker 1: I just was talking about for ten hours of the day.

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Speaker 1: Number five Can we be friends? So? I have recently

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Speaker 1: been surprised how surprising the answer to this question is

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Speaker 1: to some people. And I guess it's more people that

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Speaker 1: I've never been to therapy or had anything to do

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Speaker 1: with mental health. People really don't get why I can't

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Speaker 1: be their therapist just because I already know them, or

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Speaker 1: because we're friends. It almost as like, well, that would

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Speaker 1: make it easier, right, We already have a relationship, and

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Speaker 1: being friends with a client is an automatic no no

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Speaker 1: because it creates a dual relationship. And a dual relationship

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Speaker 1: is when there are two people and two different types

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Speaker 1: of relationships at the same time. Why does this matter?

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Speaker 1: You can be friends with your hairstylist and your accountant.

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Speaker 1: So why can't you be friends with your therapist. Well,

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Speaker 1: because one of the foundational differences between a friend and

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Speaker 1: a therapist is there ability to be unbiased, and when

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Speaker 1: you're friends with them, you can't be unbiased. Now, once

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Speaker 1: you develop a relationship with a client, there's gonna be

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Speaker 1: some space where you are biased towards your client. And

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Speaker 1: you're not in your clients day to day life, So

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Speaker 1: you're not friends with your their friends. You don't have

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Speaker 1: buy in to any of the decisions or the outcomes

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Speaker 1: of anything that you're doing. Friends just like aren't like

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Speaker 1: that at all. That is part of being a friend.

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Speaker 1: You have buy into certain things. Therapy is not a

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Speaker 1: two way street. Although you develop a relationship, it's not

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Speaker 1: a reciprocal relationship. And there's a power differential. We're equal

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Speaker 1: because we're both humans, but we're not equal at the

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Speaker 1: same time. We have different levels of power as a

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Speaker 1: therapist and as a client. Plus to really have the

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Speaker 1: freedom to say and do anything, like the things that

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Speaker 1: you don't want anyone to know about you, there is

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Speaker 1: a safety that the person the client needs and and

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Speaker 1: that's essential. And so when you're with somebody who's not

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Speaker 1: in your everyday life, who's not going to see you later,

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Speaker 1: who doesn't have the ability to carry judgment into your

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Speaker 1: personal life. That makes the biggest difference, and being able

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Speaker 1: to talk about the stuff that you can't talk about

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Speaker 1: with anybody else. So I really think it's important to

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Speaker 1: be able to have a therapist where you can walk

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Speaker 1: into the room, sit down, and know that whatever you

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Speaker 1: say to them is not going to travel and to

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Speaker 1: infiltrate into any other parts of your life unless you're

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Speaker 1: taking it there. And that's what creates a lot of

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Speaker 1: the safety in that relationship. So it can't be friends

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Speaker 1: with your therapist. And I also know that there are

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Speaker 1: ethical guidelines based on what kind of mental health provider

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Speaker 1: you have, of when you would be able to be

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Speaker 1: friends with them after you stop working with them. For LPCs,

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Speaker 1: it's either two or three years. For certain other kind

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Speaker 1: of mental health professionals, you can't ever have a friendship

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Speaker 1: with them. And again that gets kind of weird because

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Speaker 1: we're humans. And let's say you live in a small

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Speaker 1: town and your therapist goes the same church as you,

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Speaker 1: and there's only like two churches in the town, and

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Speaker 1: you end up being in a small group with them

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Speaker 1: or something like, Yeah, there are spaces where things can

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Speaker 1: get a little gray um, but generally there is a

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Speaker 1: period of time after you stopped working with al where

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Speaker 1: you continue to not be able to be in their

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Speaker 1: life just to kind of like let that relationship marinate,

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Speaker 1: because again, one of our ethical principles is do no harm,

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Speaker 1: and I would hate to kind of like dilute that

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Speaker 1: relationship and then the work that you have done with

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Speaker 1: that client gets affected by the different relationship that you

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Speaker 1: create with them. Number six, Can I really tell you anything?

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Speaker 1: And I am kind of like thinking about people wondering

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Speaker 1: like can I really tell you if I got drunk?

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Speaker 1: Or are you going to judge me? Or if it's illegal?

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Speaker 1: Are you going to tell the police? And this always

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Speaker 1: makes me think about how people lie all the time

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Speaker 1: when like their doctor asks how much they drink and

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Speaker 1: if they say, yeah, I drink, and they're like how

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Speaker 1: often And you're like, oh, like once a week, I

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Speaker 1: have like one glass of wine, when really it's like

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Speaker 1: a couple of times a week you have like three

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Speaker 1: glasses of wine. Which this podcast is not about out

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Speaker 1: all abuse and what's normal and what's not, but I

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Speaker 1: just think it's funny that like we just lie about that,

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00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,200
Speaker 1: and when it comes to your therapist, the answer is like, yeah,

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00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:12,399
Speaker 1: you can tell us anything and everything now depending on

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Speaker 1: your goals, Like what are your goals, Because if your

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Speaker 1: goals are to create like the healthiest life that you

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Speaker 1: can and if your goals are to kind of like

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Speaker 1: work through some negative coping skills, like you're going to

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Speaker 1: have to tell us what you're doing that's not working

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00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:28,280
Speaker 1: so we can help you figure out why you keep

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00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:30,760
Speaker 1: doing that, or so we can help you figure out

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Speaker 1: like other things to do that might be creating the

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00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:37,360
Speaker 1: same experience in your brain. There are limits to confidentiality

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Speaker 1: when it comes to what you tell us harm to self,

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Speaker 1: harm to others, If there is harm to a vulnerable population,

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Speaker 1: if there's somebody who is vulnerable at risk, like a

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Speaker 1: child or somebody who was elderly, we have to report that.

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Speaker 1: If there's a court order, we have to disclose certain information. However,

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Speaker 1: we don't have to disclose that you like smoked weed

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Speaker 1: because it's illegal, And if you're in college, we don't

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00:20:01,359 --> 00:20:04,040
Speaker 1: have to like report you if you're drinking under age,

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00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,680
Speaker 1: if it's becoming a harm to you and we are

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00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:10,360
Speaker 1: afraid for your safety, There is a conversation around that,

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Speaker 1: But I will say when it comes to reporting and

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Speaker 1: disclosing that kind of stuff, it's because we want to

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Speaker 1: keep you safe. So it would never would never disclose

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Speaker 1: something because we just wanted to like tattle tell on

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Speaker 1: you or ruin the relationship or break your trust. When

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Speaker 1: there are thoughts of harming somebody or yourself, if there

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00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,840
Speaker 1: are thoughts intent and plans and means to carry it out,

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Speaker 1: like we have to report that because we want to

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Speaker 1: help you. But when it comes to like can I

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Speaker 1: really tell you anything, Like, yeah, you can tell us

401
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,200
Speaker 1: if you got drunk, Yes, you can tell us, if

402
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:44,199
Speaker 1: you smoked weed, Yeah, you can tell us if you

403
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:48,160
Speaker 1: did a multitude of drugs. We need to know that

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00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,720
Speaker 1: so we can help you. And like we're not here

405
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Speaker 1: to judge you or here to help you figure out

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Speaker 1: what's best for you and how to live the life

407
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,119
Speaker 1: that is best for you. Also, you can tell us

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Speaker 1: about the things that you're kind of like feeling shameful

409
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Speaker 1: of about or or scared to tell other people. When

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Speaker 1: it comes to maybe sexual desires or sexual relationships or

411
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:11,680
Speaker 1: experiences or things maybe you've done that you've regretted, like yeah,

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Speaker 1: you can tell us anything because going back to the

413
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Speaker 1: question before, we're not your friends. So if we are

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Speaker 1: in quotes judging you, it doesn't matter because as a therapist,

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Speaker 1: our job is not to judge you. Our job is

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Speaker 1: to actually like help you be the person you want

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Speaker 1: to be, not the kind of person that like we

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Speaker 1: want to be ourselves. And I will say, just like

419
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:37,639
Speaker 1: a piece of feedback, if you are struggling with talking

420
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,680
Speaker 1: about certain things with your therapist, you could talk about

421
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:43,240
Speaker 1: that and not even talk about the thing you're struggling about.

422
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Speaker 1: Just say like, hey, like, I know that I've been

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Speaker 1: holding some things back and I'm not ready to share them,

424
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Speaker 1: but I kind of want to talk about like why

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Speaker 1: I might not want to share these things and see

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Speaker 1: what happens now. Number seven, do you ever get crushes

427
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,480
Speaker 1: on your clients? And has a client ever been attracted

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Speaker 1: to you? So I can say personally, I've never developed

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00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,800
Speaker 1: romantic feelings for a client. When it comes to clients

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Speaker 1: having feelings towards me, it's happened. I don't know how often,

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Speaker 1: because I think sometimes they don't tell you I've talked

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Speaker 1: about it with a client before. It usually in those

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Speaker 1: circumstances leads to something else and it's kind of like

434
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:22,439
Speaker 1: an attraction towards me, but it's because of a different reason.

435
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,879
Speaker 1: Maybe I'm the first one that they've been able to

436
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:27,800
Speaker 1: be emotionally open with, or I remind them of somebody

437
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,600
Speaker 1: else in their life. But that's something you talk about

438
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,320
Speaker 1: and you work through and then you decide if you

439
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:35,720
Speaker 1: can still have a professional relationship with them or not,

440
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:38,439
Speaker 1: and if you can't, you would refer that person to

441
00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:42,320
Speaker 1: another therapist. Now, Also, I want you guys to remember

442
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:47,000
Speaker 1: there's a difference in finding somebody attractive and being attracted

443
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:51,719
Speaker 1: to somebody. So that can be being attracted them sexually, romantically, whatever,

444
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:54,600
Speaker 1: But you can find somebody attractive they are an attractive

445
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,960
Speaker 1: person and not have those kinds of like feelings towards them.

446
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,280
Speaker 1: So I just want to differentiate. But sometimes we like

447
00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:02,960
Speaker 1: think that those have to be together, and they don't

448
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,800
Speaker 1: always have to be together. There is a skill and

449
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:08,199
Speaker 1: being able to kind of like turn off feelings like

450
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,639
Speaker 1: this with clients. And it's almost like you see your

451
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:13,040
Speaker 1: clients as like your brother, Like I am not going

452
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:16,080
Speaker 1: to be attracted to my brother personally, So when I

453
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:18,040
Speaker 1: see my clients I kind of see them in that way,

454
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:21,760
Speaker 1: and so it doesn't really even get there. There's almost

455
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:24,800
Speaker 1: like this like professionalism wall, although I do show up

456
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:27,359
Speaker 1: very much like myself. I can only let that go

457
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:31,400
Speaker 1: so far. Now. The other thing is like, let's say

458
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:34,479
Speaker 1: Michael b Jordan's emailed me and wanted me to be

459
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:37,280
Speaker 1: his therapist. Off the bat, I would not be able

460
00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:41,280
Speaker 1: to remain unbiased towards this person because I am physically

461
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,800
Speaker 1: attracted to him, even though I don't know him, but

462
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,600
Speaker 1: I would like to know him. Although, um, Patrick, if

463
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:49,440
Speaker 1: you're listening, I would never leave you for Michael b Jordan's.

464
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:52,280
Speaker 1: But if he were to email me and want me

465
00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:54,520
Speaker 1: to be a therapist, I would immediately have to refer

466
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,400
Speaker 1: him out. Yeah that would be cool, but one, if

467
00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,280
Speaker 1: you're being a fan of somebody, no, that would not work.

468
00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:02,400
Speaker 1: I would not be able to be unbiased towards them.

469
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:05,080
Speaker 1: And two, if I'm already attracted them, that's already setting

470
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,280
Speaker 1: up a roadblock. So if I want this person to

471
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:09,680
Speaker 1: really get the help that they deserve to get, I'm

472
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,640
Speaker 1: not going to be the best suited person for them.

473
00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:14,600
Speaker 1: Same with Britney Spears. I am a Britney Spears fan,

474
00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:17,359
Speaker 1: huge Britney Spears fan. I cannot be her therapist because

475
00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:20,640
Speaker 1: of that. The other thing is people do end up

476
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:23,200
Speaker 1: sleeping with their clients. They end up dating their clients.

477
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:26,919
Speaker 1: Like I wish that this didn't happen, but it does happen. Ethically,

478
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:29,879
Speaker 1: we have to wait as an LPC five years to

479
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:32,200
Speaker 1: be able to have a romantic relationship with a client.

480
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:35,520
Speaker 1: To me, I just do not see myself ever being

481
00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:39,320
Speaker 1: able to do that, but people do it, and I

482
00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:43,280
Speaker 1: wish they didn't. Sometimes it ends really horribly. Maybe there

483
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,920
Speaker 1: is an experience where it hasn't. But if we were

484
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,720
Speaker 1: to be found like dating a client or sleeping with

485
00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:52,840
Speaker 1: a client, we would be immediately reported I hope by

486
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:57,399
Speaker 1: whoever found that out and possibly lose our license, which

487
00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,280
Speaker 1: to me, I'm like, we should definitely lose our license

488
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:02,560
Speaker 1: if we're doing that. It's um like a huge no no.

489
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:05,960
Speaker 1: And I do know for mayors and family therapists they

490
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:08,920
Speaker 1: are not ever allowed to date a client that they

491
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:13,639
Speaker 1: have ever worked with professionally. So there's that number eight.

492
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:16,679
Speaker 1: Are you really paying attention all of the time? And

493
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:18,840
Speaker 1: do you really remember what I tell you? And to that,

494
00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:21,440
Speaker 1: I would say most of the time, Yes to both.

495
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,120
Speaker 1: This is a skill that we developed because naturally things

496
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:27,479
Speaker 1: come into our brains as we're hearing people, and we

497
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:29,639
Speaker 1: have to be able to like hold that and also

498
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:32,800
Speaker 1: keep listening. And I will say I probably interrupt my

499
00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:36,800
Speaker 1: clients more than I should, but that also is part

500
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:39,159
Speaker 1: of the ability for me to stay on track and

501
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:43,879
Speaker 1: pay attention. Is if my client's literally talking for thirty minutes,

502
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:45,800
Speaker 1: I don't ever stop them, I might not be able

503
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,960
Speaker 1: to track with them that whole time. So me being

504
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,399
Speaker 1: able to stop and reflect and kind of paraphrase and

505
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:53,320
Speaker 1: stay with a client that way helps with my tracking

506
00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:56,919
Speaker 1: and helps with my ability to like continue to pay attention. Right,

507
00:25:57,119 --> 00:25:59,879
Speaker 1: And do we remember what you tell us? Yes? And

508
00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:02,479
Speaker 1: that's one of the reasons I take notes during session

509
00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:05,120
Speaker 1: and I write things down that I would not want

510
00:26:05,119 --> 00:26:07,720
Speaker 1: to forget. Maybe you said something that I don't want

511
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:09,800
Speaker 1: to stop you in that moment, but I want to

512
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:11,600
Speaker 1: come back to it, and so I write it down,

513
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,200
Speaker 1: Or I write down names that are important to remember,

514
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:17,240
Speaker 1: or like your family systems, so I remember how that

515
00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:22,360
Speaker 1: works because sometimes people have complicated families. So yeah, generally

516
00:26:22,359 --> 00:26:25,200
Speaker 1: we remember things and at the same time, we can't

517
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:28,480
Speaker 1: remember everything, so sometimes we need refreshers and then it

518
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:31,760
Speaker 1: will like okay, you just drop my memory. Um, but yeah,

519
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:35,280
Speaker 1: we're paying attention. And at the same time, I have

520
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:39,240
Speaker 1: heard of stories where therapists have fallen asleep or trailed

521
00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:41,919
Speaker 1: off or something like that, and I don't think it

522
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:45,720
Speaker 1: happens a lot. But therapists are humans, so maybe something

523
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:47,520
Speaker 1: was going on that day with them and they really

524
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:49,639
Speaker 1: needed to take the day off, or they scheduled too

525
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:53,760
Speaker 1: many clients or who knows, But yeah, that has happened.

526
00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:56,320
Speaker 1: It's never happened to me, and I've never fallen fallen

527
00:26:56,359 --> 00:26:59,160
Speaker 1: asleep in a session, but it's something that I think

528
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:01,520
Speaker 1: has happened. Just people have slept with their clients before.

529
00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:05,159
Speaker 1: It shouldn't happen, and it does. Number nine. Does it

530
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:08,920
Speaker 1: bother you when you and your clients have different beliefs?

531
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:13,040
Speaker 1: So this is like yes and no as a therapist,

532
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:17,720
Speaker 1: not really no as a human. Yeah, but like I

533
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:19,879
Speaker 1: said earlier, like part of my job is to kind

534
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,760
Speaker 1: of like cut certain relational aspects out, Like I would

535
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:26,720
Speaker 1: look at somebody like a brother or a siblings, so

536
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:29,840
Speaker 1: it doesn't really allow me to be attracted to them.

537
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:32,720
Speaker 1: The same goes here is like, it's not my job

538
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:36,080
Speaker 1: to kind of align you with my belief system, and

539
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,640
Speaker 1: I can separate my belief system from my work and

540
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:41,160
Speaker 1: as a as a therapist, my job is to get

541
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:44,320
Speaker 1: you to a space where you can do what is

542
00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:48,840
Speaker 1: best for you based on your belief system, which is

543
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:51,520
Speaker 1: why we ask you, like, what brings you into therapy?

544
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:53,760
Speaker 1: What are your goals? I made the goals for all

545
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,800
Speaker 1: my clients. We might be doing completely different things, but

546
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:59,600
Speaker 1: it's what are your goals, not what are the therapist goals?

547
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:01,680
Speaker 1: And if something was going to bother a therapist, it

548
00:28:02,119 --> 00:28:04,679
Speaker 1: for sure would have happened in the past couple of

549
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:08,040
Speaker 1: years because there's been a lot of very polarizing stuff

550
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:11,440
Speaker 1: come up. And Yeah, I have clients that have very

551
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:15,639
Speaker 1: different belief systems than me. That's okay because I'm not

552
00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:18,240
Speaker 1: in there getting in a debate with them. I'm in

553
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:21,640
Speaker 1: there allowing them to process their feelings so they can

554
00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:24,240
Speaker 1: be really clear on why they believe something, why they

555
00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:28,280
Speaker 1: want something, why they are leaning towards something. And let's

556
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:31,439
Speaker 1: say a client says something that's very insensitive. Maybe my

557
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:35,320
Speaker 1: client is saying something that's very harmful emotionally and can

558
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:38,200
Speaker 1: and could be very harmful emotionally to people. I can

559
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:41,120
Speaker 1: help them figure out ways to say things, like say

560
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:43,960
Speaker 1: the same thing but maybe being able to express it

561
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:48,000
Speaker 1: in a way that's not as damaging or can be

562
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:52,040
Speaker 1: heard by others better or easier. But I'm not trying

563
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:56,000
Speaker 1: to change what they actually think and believe. I'm helping

564
00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:59,920
Speaker 1: them get really clear on their beliefs. Now they're BELI

565
00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:03,840
Speaker 1: this might change because of the clarity, but it's not

566
00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:06,840
Speaker 1: about me. And that's why I think a lot of

567
00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:09,680
Speaker 1: times people want therapists that like, what she believes this,

568
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:11,680
Speaker 1: and she's been through this and they've done this, and

569
00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:15,400
Speaker 1: then it really like Sometimes that can be helpful, but

570
00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:19,000
Speaker 1: at the same time, it's not necessary. Your therapist doesn't

571
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:23,520
Speaker 1: have to be in line spiritually or in line politically

572
00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:26,640
Speaker 1: or any of that with you to be able to

573
00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:29,320
Speaker 1: help you get to where you want, although it's totally

574
00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:32,720
Speaker 1: okay if you want them to, and not every therapist

575
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:35,160
Speaker 1: is going to tell you those things. A lot of

576
00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:37,880
Speaker 1: therapists have very closed off boundaries when it comes to

577
00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:40,440
Speaker 1: that kind of belief system, and so that might be

578
00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:43,400
Speaker 1: something you want. I want a therapist that I have

579
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:46,640
Speaker 1: no idea what they believe that's totally okay too. You

580
00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:49,360
Speaker 1: also have the ability to say to your therapist, like

581
00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:51,480
Speaker 1: in a first session when you're getting to know them, Hey,

582
00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:54,040
Speaker 1: I want you to remain like a blank slate to me,

583
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:56,479
Speaker 1: And that's something you might want to ask for because

584
00:29:56,800 --> 00:30:00,560
Speaker 1: the blank slate therapist kind of model is kind of

585
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:03,560
Speaker 1: dissipating a little bit in the new wave of therapy

586
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:06,920
Speaker 1: that we're in right now. And uh never ten can

587
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:10,160
Speaker 1: I buy my therapist a gift. So as a general rule,

588
00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:12,560
Speaker 1: we're not supposed to accept gifts that like cost over

589
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:16,680
Speaker 1: a certain amount of money. And again it's gray, So

590
00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:18,840
Speaker 1: if it's going to be more damaging to the client

591
00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:21,920
Speaker 1: to reject the gift, then we have to like use

592
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:24,920
Speaker 1: our own judgment to decide in the moment what would

593
00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:28,520
Speaker 1: be a better way to handle that for the client's sake.

594
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:32,040
Speaker 1: But you can get them things like a coffee or

595
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:35,360
Speaker 1: a doughnut or I mean, just like a small little

596
00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:38,200
Speaker 1: treat like that if you're I don't know, stopping a

597
00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:39,840
Speaker 1: coffee on your way from your session. I have plan

598
00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:41,960
Speaker 1: of clients that will do that sometimes, and that's awesome

599
00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:44,960
Speaker 1: and I think that's really thoughtful. It's not necessary or

600
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:47,560
Speaker 1: I've had clients who have gotten me like a box

601
00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:49,320
Speaker 1: of tea because they know I love tea for like

602
00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:52,040
Speaker 1: Christmas or something like that. One of my clients got

603
00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:54,720
Speaker 1: me my favorite candy for Valentine's Day one day or

604
00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:58,520
Speaker 1: one year, and those things are totally cool. You can

605
00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:01,960
Speaker 1: give them cards, like I really really really appreciate getting

606
00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:04,200
Speaker 1: cards from clients, and I actually keep all of those,

607
00:31:04,600 --> 00:31:08,680
Speaker 1: and those I think are worth more than any expensive gift.

608
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:11,880
Speaker 1: And so maybe your therapist is having a baby or

609
00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:14,880
Speaker 1: getting married or bought a house and you know about it,

610
00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:17,440
Speaker 1: or um moved into a new building and you want

611
00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:19,920
Speaker 1: to congratulate them on something, or maybe something that happened

612
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:21,800
Speaker 1: there's a death in their family or something like that.

613
00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,160
Speaker 1: You can send them a card or something like that,

614
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:27,120
Speaker 1: and that is really meaningful and you're totally allowed to

615
00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:32,080
Speaker 1: do that. So that is the last question. If you

616
00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:34,360
Speaker 1: have any questions that I didn't answer that you're like, oh,

617
00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:36,600
Speaker 1: I've always wondered this about my therapist, but I'm too

618
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:39,680
Speaker 1: scared to ask send them in because we can do

619
00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:42,560
Speaker 1: that on couch talks, or I can maybe continue this

620
00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:45,719
Speaker 1: over on Instagram, which, speaking of Instagram, if you want

621
00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:48,320
Speaker 1: to follow me. You can follow me at cat dot

622
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:51,160
Speaker 1: de fata, and you can follow the podcast at you

623
00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:55,560
Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast. If you have questions, comments, concerns, you

624
00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:59,480
Speaker 1: can email Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com.

625
00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:02,120
Speaker 1: And if you love to rate the podcast, I would

626
00:32:02,160 --> 00:32:04,000
Speaker 1: love that as well. And if you want to give

627
00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:06,240
Speaker 1: us five stars, I would love that as well, and

628
00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:08,920
Speaker 1: you can do that at the bottom of Apple Podcasts

629
00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:12,000
Speaker 1: or now on Spotify you can write. So that is

630
00:32:12,040 --> 00:32:15,760
Speaker 1: going to do it for this Monday's episode. Again, if

631
00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:17,720
Speaker 1: you have anything you want to send to me, send

632
00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:20,840
Speaker 1: it over Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com.

633
00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:24,520
Speaker 1: And I hope that you guys have the day you

634
00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:26,720
Speaker 1: need to have. I'll talk to you guys on Wednesday

635
00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:27,760
Speaker 1: for couch Shocks