1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:06,040 Speaker 1: People change when they're ready, not when you beg People 2 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:11,960 Speaker 1: change when their patterns hurt them, not just you. People 3 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:16,800 Speaker 1: change when they're humbled by reality, not when they're pressured 4 00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:22,759 Speaker 1: by others. People change when it costs them something, not 5 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:28,640 Speaker 1: just you. People change for themselves, not for your hope, 6 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:32,680 Speaker 1: not for your timeline, not for your pain. The number 7 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:41,000 Speaker 1: one Health and Wellness podcast, Jay said, Jay Sheddy, Hey, 8 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:44,680 Speaker 1: how's it going. Welcome back to On Purpose. It's Joy Sheddy. 9 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:46,960 Speaker 1: I am so grateful to each and every one of 10 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:50,120 Speaker 1: you who've already subscribed, and if you haven't, it would 11 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:52,760 Speaker 1: mean the world to me if you click that button 12 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:56,320 Speaker 1: to make sure you never miss out on an episode. 13 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:59,920 Speaker 1: We're all here to become happier, healthier, and more healed. 14 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:03,880 Speaker 1: If you're someone that's on their spiritual journey, on your 15 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:07,039 Speaker 1: personal growth journey, this is the right place to be. 16 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:13,759 Speaker 1: This episode today is about something that we all struggle with. 17 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:18,919 Speaker 1: How many of you know someone you see their potential 18 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,880 Speaker 1: and when they don't live up to it, you feel pain. 19 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:29,000 Speaker 1: How many of you really want to change someone who's 20 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:31,840 Speaker 1: close to you could be a parent, a family member, 21 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:34,760 Speaker 1: or partner, And how many of you have been in 22 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:38,800 Speaker 1: relationships or are in one right now where you're constantly 23 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:42,520 Speaker 1: trying to get the person you're with to upgrade and 24 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:47,720 Speaker 1: up level, but it just doesn't seem to happen. This 25 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:51,680 Speaker 1: episode is for you and is all about what to 26 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:57,200 Speaker 1: do when people don't change. I read a quote that 27 00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:02,800 Speaker 1: changed my life. It said people don't reveal themselves through 28 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:10,600 Speaker 1: their words. People reveal themselves through their patterns. Pay attention. 29 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:15,160 Speaker 1: So many of us listen to what people say, but 30 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:18,760 Speaker 1: we don't watch what they do. So many of us 31 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 1: look at how people look, but not how they show up. 32 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 1: So many of us get carried away by how people 33 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:33,480 Speaker 1: treat others, but don't look at closely at how they 34 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:39,840 Speaker 1: treat us. Observe patterns and you will know the person. 35 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:46,239 Speaker 1: Ignore patterns and you will forever be in love with potential. 36 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:51,600 Speaker 1: People are patterns, we all are, and yes, people can 37 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:55,040 Speaker 1: change their patterns. But as you know and I know, 38 00:02:55,760 --> 00:03:00,520 Speaker 1: patterns take a long time to change. You drive to 39 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:04,440 Speaker 1: work on the same route every day, How long will 40 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:07,639 Speaker 1: it take you to change it up? If you've had 41 00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:12,440 Speaker 1: the same breakfast cereal every single morning for years, how 42 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:15,640 Speaker 1: long will it take you to change it? Those are 43 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:19,360 Speaker 1: physical things that may even be changeable. But the patterns 44 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:23,239 Speaker 1: that are hardwired in our mind, our subconscious, and our 45 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:29,040 Speaker 1: thoughts require life altering events often to set us on 46 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:32,200 Speaker 1: a new track, and that can sometimes be an extremely 47 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,720 Speaker 1: painful process. The first point I want to share with 48 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:40,720 Speaker 1: you today is the illusion of potential is a projection 49 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:46,080 Speaker 1: of your own wound. This is a harsh truth, but 50 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:51,320 Speaker 1: stay with me. When you fall for someone's potential, you're 51 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:55,680 Speaker 1: often falling for a version of them that only exist 52 00:03:56,280 --> 00:04:02,360 Speaker 1: in your imagination, or worse, in your unfinished childhood needs. 53 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:06,320 Speaker 1: Think of someone you're trying to fix and ask yourself, 54 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:11,520 Speaker 1: what unmet need in me is trying to be met 55 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:17,919 Speaker 1: through them? Clarity starts there. We let people treat us 56 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:23,200 Speaker 1: badly because we crave connection. We let people talk to 57 00:04:23,279 --> 00:04:28,200 Speaker 1: us poorly because we'd rather not be alone. We let 58 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:32,800 Speaker 1: people walk all over us because we don't know how 59 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:36,720 Speaker 1: to stand for ourselves. But when we do those things, 60 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:43,880 Speaker 1: we don't change them, We lose ourselves. People change when 61 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:49,440 Speaker 1: they're ready, not when you beg People change when their 62 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:55,040 Speaker 1: patterns hurt them, not just you. People change when they're 63 00:04:55,120 --> 00:05:01,039 Speaker 1: humbled by reality, not when they're pressured by others. People 64 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:06,600 Speaker 1: change when it cost them something, not just you. People 65 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:11,960 Speaker 1: change for themselves, not for your hope, not for your timeline, 66 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:17,159 Speaker 1: not for your pain. When you realize that you can 67 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:21,080 Speaker 1: see someone's pattern, the question you have to ask yourself 68 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:25,960 Speaker 1: is am I willing to stay here if the pattern 69 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:31,120 Speaker 1: remains the same? Am I willing to be present? If 70 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,640 Speaker 1: they say they want to change, often we say yes, 71 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:38,880 Speaker 1: but they're changing. Have they said they want to change, 72 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:42,800 Speaker 1: Have they showed you a plan? Have they committed to change? 73 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:47,000 Speaker 1: You may see small changes, but unless they vocalize this, 74 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 1: unless they've verbalized it, unless they've communicated it with you, 75 00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:54,600 Speaker 1: you're still living in imagination. Now, No, you're thinking, Jae, 76 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,680 Speaker 1: what do I do when it's my family? What do 77 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:59,200 Speaker 1: I do when it's my partner? The first thing you 78 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,560 Speaker 1: have to look at is if it's abusive or toxic 79 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:06,920 Speaker 1: or highly emotionally manipulative, you've got to take a look 80 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,880 Speaker 1: at that very seriously. But if you're someone who here, 81 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:12,159 Speaker 1: who's listening and saying, chay, it's just I'm not sure 82 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,120 Speaker 1: I really wish they would do this, it would make 83 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:17,240 Speaker 1: a difference. You have to ask yourself how much you're 84 00:06:17,279 --> 00:06:19,800 Speaker 1: willing to tolerate and be patient? You have to ask 85 00:06:19,839 --> 00:06:23,039 Speaker 1: yourself how much you're losing yourself in the process. Only 86 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:27,560 Speaker 1: you know that step number two. Believe what they do, 87 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:33,520 Speaker 1: not what they say. If someone repeatedly disrespects your time, 88 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:38,400 Speaker 1: disappears during hard moments, or break boundaries, that's who they are. 89 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,720 Speaker 1: So if you're hoping for your partner to become more 90 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:45,760 Speaker 1: empathetic or less impulsive, the truth is they may say 91 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:49,640 Speaker 1: those things, but what are you seeing, What are they doing? 92 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:53,280 Speaker 1: What are they acting? Because we're so emotional and sentimental, 93 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:57,360 Speaker 1: when someone says the right thing, don't you just light 94 00:06:57,480 --> 00:07:00,640 Speaker 1: up inside and you almost think to your I've just 95 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,480 Speaker 1: been waiting for you to say that. I've just been 96 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,760 Speaker 1: wishing for you to say that. I've been wanting for 97 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,480 Speaker 1: you to say that. But the reality is you're not 98 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:11,280 Speaker 1: waiting for them to say that, You're waiting for them 99 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:14,080 Speaker 1: to show that. That's what we have to focus on. 100 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:20,600 Speaker 1: Subtract patterns. Hope is not a strategy. Don't focus on promises, 101 00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:27,600 Speaker 1: focus on patterns. If someone repeatedly disrespects you, that's who 102 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:32,160 Speaker 1: they are, at least for now. If someone disappears when 103 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:37,000 Speaker 1: things get hard, that's who they are. If someone breaks 104 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:40,960 Speaker 1: your boundaries and calls it love, That's who they are. 105 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:47,240 Speaker 1: If someone lies to protect themselves, not your trust, that's 106 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:50,960 Speaker 1: who they are. If someone makes you question your worth, 107 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,600 Speaker 1: that's who they are. If someone only shows up when 108 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:59,880 Speaker 1: they need something, that's who they are. If someone makes 109 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:05,200 Speaker 1: you feel crazy for having standards, that's who they are. 110 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:12,280 Speaker 1: If someone constantly apologizes but never changes, that's who they are. 111 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: If someone expects grace but gives you none, that's who 112 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:25,240 Speaker 1: they are. They can change, but only if they want to. 113 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:31,320 Speaker 1: A big part of us justifies people's bad behavior instead 114 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:35,480 Speaker 1: of looking at the patterns. We say, but they're great 115 00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:41,240 Speaker 1: at this, but they're wonderful in this way. That's true. 116 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:44,040 Speaker 1: People are always two things. They can be so many things. 117 00:08:44,559 --> 00:08:48,400 Speaker 1: But we have to be careful to not sacrifice ourselves 118 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:51,000 Speaker 1: for too long. I know too many people who've done this, 119 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,600 Speaker 1: and ten years later they say, I've lost myself. I 120 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,160 Speaker 1: don't know who I am. I don't have an identity. 121 00:08:56,760 --> 00:09:01,200 Speaker 1: We have to measure how extremely not accepting someone for 122 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:05,439 Speaker 1: who they are. Step number three. This is going to 123 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:08,520 Speaker 1: be a hard one to take in, but I have 124 00:09:08,559 --> 00:09:14,520 Speaker 1: to be honest with you. Stop mistaking your control for love. 125 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:20,200 Speaker 1: Trying to change people often feels like care, but it's 126 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:26,600 Speaker 1: usually covert control. You're trying to manage their chaos so 127 00:09:26,679 --> 00:09:31,280 Speaker 1: you don't have to face your fear of abandonment, disappointment, 128 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:37,720 Speaker 1: or uncertainty. Melody BT in her foundational work on codependency, explains, 129 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:42,360 Speaker 1: you can't force someone to be who they're not. You 130 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:47,120 Speaker 1: can only love them where they are or leave. Next 131 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:51,439 Speaker 1: time you feel the urge to help someone change, pause 132 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,680 Speaker 1: and ask am I doing this for them? Or to 133 00:09:54,800 --> 00:10:00,000 Speaker 1: soothe my discomfort with their behavior? It's a form of control. 134 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:03,200 Speaker 1: And again, it could be unconscious. You could really care, 135 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:07,720 Speaker 1: but underlying that is a care for yourself. You don't 136 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:11,600 Speaker 1: want to have to experience the emotions of letting them down. 137 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,760 Speaker 1: You don't want to have to experience the emotion of 138 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:18,000 Speaker 1: setting boundaries. You don't want to have to experience the 139 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:23,280 Speaker 1: emotion of someone not liking you. So you'd rather shape, shift, mold, 140 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,320 Speaker 1: and change them in the process as well, in order 141 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:30,000 Speaker 1: for both of you to have a peaceful situation when 142 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,360 Speaker 1: it's actually a situation where you don't know each other. 143 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,360 Speaker 1: Let me give you an example. When you're trying to 144 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:38,000 Speaker 1: change someone, you're saying to them, hey, if you were 145 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,679 Speaker 1: more organized if you are more focused, you could be 146 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:45,120 Speaker 1: more successful. Or you're trying to heal is your personal 147 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,400 Speaker 1: issue with finances? Trying to heal you a personal issue 148 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,079 Speaker 1: with money, but you're trying to do it through them. Now, 149 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,360 Speaker 1: I'm not saying you don't need both people to earn. 150 00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:56,000 Speaker 1: You may be in a situation where you require both 151 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:59,520 Speaker 1: people in your life to go and make money. But 152 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,000 Speaker 1: the point is that person is showing you who they are. 153 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:04,320 Speaker 1: They've showing you where they're at, and they might not 154 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:06,760 Speaker 1: be a good partner for you if you're looking for 155 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:11,400 Speaker 1: mutual responsibility. So much of the time we get enamored 156 00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:19,400 Speaker 1: by someone's mind, someone's words, someone's aura, someone's charisma, someone's personality, 157 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,680 Speaker 1: that we forget what real life looks like. Real life 158 00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:28,760 Speaker 1: looks like looking at your bank balance, looking at your bills, 159 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,920 Speaker 1: waking up next to someone and going to sleep next 160 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:35,240 Speaker 1: to someone. Real life looks like coming home and you're 161 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:39,160 Speaker 1: bored and tired, and so are they. Real life looks 162 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:43,240 Speaker 1: like talking when there's nothing exciting to talk about. Real 163 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:47,000 Speaker 1: life looks like planning when you're just waiting for that vacation. 164 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,720 Speaker 1: Who do you want to be in your life for 165 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:56,160 Speaker 1: the real things? Not just the imaginative ones. Hold that thought. 166 00:11:56,840 --> 00:12:00,000 Speaker 1: Just a quick message from our sponsors and then we'll 167 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,200 Speaker 1: jump back in. Hey it's Jay Sheddy and I'm so 168 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:07,200 Speaker 1: excited to share We're launching a brand new subscription on 169 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:11,400 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts. That means, if you want more on purpose, 170 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:15,200 Speaker 1: more inspiration, more tools, more depth, you now have the 171 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:20,079 Speaker 1: option to subscribe and unlock bonus content from our incredible guests. 172 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:23,560 Speaker 1: And don't worry, the main show is still free for everyone. 173 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,000 Speaker 1: But if you're someone who wants to go even deeper 174 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:29,199 Speaker 1: and support the show, this is for you. Just hit 175 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:33,760 Speaker 1: Try free on Apple Podcasts and join our growing community 176 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,960 Speaker 1: of purpose driven listeners. I can't wait for you to 177 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:41,200 Speaker 1: check it out. Okay, we're back, let's dive right back in. 178 00:12:41,679 --> 00:12:49,760 Speaker 1: Step number four is radical acceptance is not resignation, it's respect. Philosophy, 179 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:55,760 Speaker 1: dialectical behavior therapy, also known as DBT, and Buddhism have 180 00:12:55,880 --> 00:13:01,120 Speaker 1: this understanding. Radical acceptance, a DBT concept created by Dr 181 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:06,080 Speaker 1: Marshall Leinhan, is about fully accepting reality as it is, 182 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,480 Speaker 1: not as we wish it were. To be honest, most 183 00:13:10,559 --> 00:13:14,440 Speaker 1: of our problems exist because of how we want life 184 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:18,960 Speaker 1: to be and how life actually is The gap between 185 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:24,240 Speaker 1: those two is the amount of pain you experience. If 186 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,120 Speaker 1: you want life to feel like this, but it actually 187 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:29,120 Speaker 1: looks like this, that gap is the amount of stress, 188 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,520 Speaker 1: pain and anxiety you feel. So people to say, wait, 189 00:13:32,559 --> 00:13:37,319 Speaker 1: do I lower my expectations. No, we don't want expectations. 190 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:41,920 Speaker 1: We want to experience reality so we can make better choices. 191 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:45,720 Speaker 1: If I walk into a restaurant and I experience the food, 192 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,920 Speaker 1: I know whether I want to go back. But if 193 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:52,959 Speaker 1: I go there with high expectations, it may not meet mine. 194 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:56,719 Speaker 1: Or if I go there with low expectations, I may 195 00:13:56,760 --> 00:14:01,199 Speaker 1: be impressed, but that impressed may not be actuate because 196 00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,160 Speaker 1: I may be impressed because I had low expectations. So 197 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,320 Speaker 1: I'll accept whatever I get. Right, when you're hungry and 198 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,439 Speaker 1: you walk into a restaurant, you go, oh my gosh, 199 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,160 Speaker 1: this place is amazing. And then you go back when 200 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:11,920 Speaker 1: you're kind of hungry and you're like, oh wait, it's 201 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:14,240 Speaker 1: not as good as I remembered. Right, you've been there before. 202 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,600 Speaker 1: We do that because it's not about low or high expectations. 203 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:21,400 Speaker 1: It's about experiencing something properly. If you experience it, you 204 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,480 Speaker 1: can go actually and love this place. I'm not coming back, 205 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,240 Speaker 1: or I love this place, it's amazing. I come back 206 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,480 Speaker 1: when I'm tired, I come back when I'm hungry. I 207 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:30,400 Speaker 1: come back when I'm on a date. I come back 208 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:33,200 Speaker 1: when I'm with family. Right, you figure out what it's 209 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:37,680 Speaker 1: actually for. It's not about saying this is okay. It's 210 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:42,600 Speaker 1: saying this is what is, and I get to choose 211 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:49,280 Speaker 1: how I respond. You don't have to tolerate disrespect just 212 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,960 Speaker 1: because you know their trauma. You don't have to accept 213 00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:57,800 Speaker 1: mistreatment to prove your loving You don't have to stay 214 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,480 Speaker 1: just because you see their POTENTI I'm sure you can 215 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:06,160 Speaker 1: forgive someone and still walk away. You can see that 216 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:11,360 Speaker 1: good in them and still choose better for yourself. You 217 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:17,640 Speaker 1: can understand someone's pain and still protect your peace. You 218 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:21,440 Speaker 1: don't have to make excuses for behavior that's breaking you. 219 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:25,160 Speaker 1: Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone walk all over you. 220 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,360 Speaker 1: Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone take advantage of you. 221 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:34,800 Speaker 1: Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone disrespect you. It means 222 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:39,280 Speaker 1: you understand this is what it is, and you tolerate 223 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:44,600 Speaker 1: until you make your decision to stay or go to 224 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:49,600 Speaker 1: be here and live through it or leave. You tolerate 225 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:54,400 Speaker 1: while you're figuring it out. Why do we stay? We 226 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:59,640 Speaker 1: stay because we're scared of being alone, or we stay 227 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:05,880 Speaker 1: because we're hoping they'll change. Both of those are not 228 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,920 Speaker 1: great options. If we're staying just because we don't want 229 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:12,200 Speaker 1: to be alone, we set ourselves up for more pain, 230 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:19,120 Speaker 1: and if we stay hoping they'll change, we also create 231 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:22,320 Speaker 1: more pain. So what do you do when you know 232 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:27,400 Speaker 1: someone can change? When you want someone to change, first, 233 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,840 Speaker 1: you can definitely try to introduce them to things that 234 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:35,880 Speaker 1: will help them change. You may see their potential, but 235 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 1: you have to ask them if they see that potential. 236 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:42,080 Speaker 1: I remember when I started dating Radi, and even when 237 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:45,120 Speaker 1: we got married, I could see who she could become. 238 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:49,120 Speaker 1: And then I realized how selfish that was, how it 239 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:53,880 Speaker 1: was a projection of my own insecurities or imagination, and 240 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:58,239 Speaker 1: how it wasn't selfless as it appeared. It was selfish. 241 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,000 Speaker 1: If I really want what's for someone, and if I 242 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:04,639 Speaker 1: love someone, it's about asking them who they want to be, 243 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:07,800 Speaker 1: where they want to be, and what they want to be. 244 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:12,480 Speaker 1: That's love, that selflessness. But now if it's behavior where 245 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:16,879 Speaker 1: someone's not doing the chores, someone's not taking responsibility, someone's 246 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:21,320 Speaker 1: not taking accountability. Someone doesn't help out at home, they 247 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,679 Speaker 1: may never change that, and it's up to you to 248 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:28,560 Speaker 1: decide whether you're willing to live in that space. And 249 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:30,600 Speaker 1: I get it. Leaving is hard, Letting go is hard, 250 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,600 Speaker 1: and we've done plenty of episodes on that. But you 251 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,000 Speaker 1: have to realize that this is what you're signing up for. 252 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:40,280 Speaker 1: It's almost like a subscription plan, but you only figure 253 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:45,520 Speaker 1: out the hidden language and the small print afterwards. Right, 254 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,800 Speaker 1: none of us read the small print when we subscribe 255 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:50,439 Speaker 1: to something. When we sign up to something, you just 256 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,880 Speaker 1: put in your email and you log in, You tick 257 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:56,159 Speaker 1: the box. You never really think it through. We do 258 00:17:56,280 --> 00:18:00,000 Speaker 1: the same in relationships, but then we experience the small 259 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:04,960 Speaker 1: print afterwards, and then we feel let down. Read the 260 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:09,359 Speaker 1: small print, read in between the lines. Take it for 261 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:13,520 Speaker 1: what it is. Point number five. You're not their mirror, 262 00:18:14,119 --> 00:18:21,600 Speaker 1: you're their environment the Pygmalion effect versus the environmental conditioning. Yes, 263 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:26,399 Speaker 1: people rise to expectations, but only if they want to. 264 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:31,120 Speaker 1: The Pigmalion effect shows that people perform better one high 265 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:36,200 Speaker 1: expectations are clearly communicated. But this only works when there's 266 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:41,960 Speaker 1: mutual investment. You're not a sculptor. You're the soil. You 267 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:46,320 Speaker 1: can be nourishing, but you cannot will a plant to grow. 268 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:51,000 Speaker 1: If they don't want the light, your sunshine will burn them. 269 00:18:51,359 --> 00:18:56,200 Speaker 1: So you can offer support, but you can't provide transformation. 270 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,600 Speaker 1: You can't be someone's guru. You can't be someone's guide. 271 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,000 Speaker 1: You can't be someone's teacher unless they allow you to be. 272 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:06,000 Speaker 1: And what I've seen is that people change more by 273 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,639 Speaker 1: the people around them than by someone telling them what 274 00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:11,320 Speaker 1: to do. If you're around a group of high achievers, 275 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,440 Speaker 1: you feel like becoming a high achiever. If you're around 276 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,200 Speaker 1: a group of people who take care of their health, 277 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:19,719 Speaker 1: you'll feel like taking care of your health. If you're 278 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:22,840 Speaker 1: around a group of people who gossip and talk negatively 279 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:26,360 Speaker 1: about others, you gossip and talk negatively about others. We 280 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:30,320 Speaker 1: are so defined by the people that we're around. If 281 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,120 Speaker 1: you really want to change yourself, and you really want 282 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:35,040 Speaker 1: to change someone else, it's about changing who they're around. 283 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,960 Speaker 1: It's not about telling them the right thing to do. 284 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:40,640 Speaker 1: It's not about selling them articles, it's not about educating them. 285 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:45,280 Speaker 1: It's about taking them to another space allowing them to 286 00:19:45,359 --> 00:19:50,400 Speaker 1: experience that. That's where change occurs. That's how change happens. 287 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:55,639 Speaker 1: And the reality is sometimes the most loving choice is 288 00:19:55,680 --> 00:20:00,200 Speaker 1: often to let go. Sometimes the deepest form of love 289 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:05,639 Speaker 1: is saying I see you clearly now, and I release 290 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:10,840 Speaker 1: you with compassion. Research in the Journal of Positive Psychology 291 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:16,280 Speaker 1: shows that people who practice disengagement, coping, letting go of 292 00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:21,879 Speaker 1: unchangeable people or situations report higher well being and less 293 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:27,680 Speaker 1: depression than those who continue trying to fix. People are 294 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,679 Speaker 1: not yours to fix. People are not yours to solve. 295 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:38,800 Speaker 1: People are not yours to change. Instead of disrespecting them, 296 00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:46,480 Speaker 1: first start with distance, and if distance doesn't work, then disconnect. 297 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:51,280 Speaker 1: Often we stay close to people with judgment, with criticism, 298 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:55,720 Speaker 1: with complaining, only to make us far away from them anyway. 299 00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:01,960 Speaker 1: Rumy once asked, do you know why people shout when 300 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:05,639 Speaker 1: they're angry, Because when you are angry and you're fighting 301 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:10,520 Speaker 1: with someone, you're physically close to them. Rumy said, we 302 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:15,960 Speaker 1: shout because our hearts are far apart. Even though we're 303 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:20,160 Speaker 1: physically close to someone, We can be emotionally so far 304 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:25,439 Speaker 1: that we're shouting to get the message across. But no 305 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:29,679 Speaker 1: one has ever changed because someone shouted at them. No 306 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:34,840 Speaker 1: one has ever changed because someone complained to them. People 307 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:40,200 Speaker 1: changed when they realized that if they didn't, their life 308 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,760 Speaker 1: would fall apart. What I want to share with you 309 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:49,440 Speaker 1: in this episode truly is recognizing and understanding that relationships 310 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:54,879 Speaker 1: are difficult. Relationships are challenging, and sometimes our expectations of 311 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,440 Speaker 1: others and what we want them to be or who 312 00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:01,479 Speaker 1: we want them to be are completely unreach realistic, and 313 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,879 Speaker 1: what ends up happening is that we create more issues 314 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,800 Speaker 1: in trying to change the other person than we would 315 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:10,600 Speaker 1: if we just connected with them. This is why in 316 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:15,000 Speaker 1: any relationship, whether it's professional or personal or romantic, you 317 00:22:15,119 --> 00:22:18,359 Speaker 1: need to know what are your priorities and what are 318 00:22:18,359 --> 00:22:22,760 Speaker 1: your preferences. Your priorities are things you don't negotiate with, 319 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:26,880 Speaker 1: and your preferences are things that are nice to have 320 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:31,240 Speaker 1: but may not always be there. We have to realize 321 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:36,040 Speaker 1: that people also go through seasons. You could marry someone confident, 322 00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:42,439 Speaker 1: but divorce someone broken. You could date someone loving but 323 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:48,400 Speaker 1: break up with someone who's hardhearted. You could love someone 324 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:57,040 Speaker 1: who's compassionate but leave someone who's judgmental. People change in 325 00:22:57,119 --> 00:23:01,479 Speaker 1: ways we don't want them to more than they change 326 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:06,440 Speaker 1: in the ways we want them to. The only decision 327 00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:09,840 Speaker 1: under our control is do I want to be close. 328 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:14,000 Speaker 1: Do I still want to be here? Can I be 329 00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:19,679 Speaker 1: patient and tolerant? Or am I losing myself? Focus on 330 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:23,640 Speaker 1: what you can control, which is how you feel, what 331 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:28,240 Speaker 1: you do, and whether you stay or leave. That's what 332 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,040 Speaker 1: you're in charge of. That's what you have power over. 333 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:35,560 Speaker 1: Focus on that. Thank you so much for listening to today. 334 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:39,240 Speaker 1: I love recording these episodes. I am so grateful teaching 335 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,600 Speaker 1: every one of you that watches and shares and comments. 336 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:45,280 Speaker 1: Please make sure you pass this on to someone who 337 00:23:45,359 --> 00:23:48,880 Speaker 1: could really benefit from it. Share your insights on TikTok 338 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:52,680 Speaker 1: and Instagram about what you're learning. I love seeing the posts, 339 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:54,720 Speaker 1: I love engaging with them. You leave and see me 340 00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:59,400 Speaker 1: share them on Instagram. And I really, really, truly hope 341 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:02,320 Speaker 1: that this is helping you heal and live a better, 342 00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:06,080 Speaker 1: more meaningful life. I'm committed to that and I'm forever 343 00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:08,600 Speaker 1: on your corner and I'm always rooting for you. If 344 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:12,000 Speaker 1: you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Dr 345 00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:16,480 Speaker 1: Julie Smith on unblocking negative emotions and how to embrace 346 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:17,680 Speaker 1: difficult feelings. 347 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,280 Speaker 2: You've just got to be motivated every day, and if 348 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:23,040 Speaker 2: you're not, then what are you doing? And actually humans 349 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:25,760 Speaker 2: don't work that way. Motivation. You have to treat it 350 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:27,800 Speaker 2: like any other emotion. Some days it will be there, 351 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:28,679 Speaker 2: some days it won't