Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central, M what is the Balance show?
Speaker 1: My name is John Stewart, and we are.
Speaker 2: Back maybe.
Speaker 1: By the way, I want to talk off very quickly.
Speaker 3: I mentioned a very quick congratulations to England and France
Speaker 3: who held their elections, uh, to great success.
Speaker 1: We would talk about them tonight, but we're in America.
Speaker 1: So last week we did a live show after the debate.
Speaker 3: Uh wait wait, where where did we Where did we
Speaker 3: leave off?
Speaker 1: This cannot be real life, It just can't.
Speaker 2: We're America. God ah yes, anger and despair.
Speaker 3: By the way, for those who at home, the scripts
Speaker 3: are printed on kevlar, which is why I had trouble.
Speaker 3: It's no way weak fingers. Now, since the debate, it's
Speaker 3: been quite interesting. Actually, many Democrats have expressed concern that
Speaker 3: the president has a hard time.
Speaker 1: Expressing thoughts. And then there is this.
Speaker 3: Other camp who think that those people should shut.
Speaker 4: The fuck up, stop this whining, stop the complaining, stopped
Speaker 4: trying to be the cool cynical.
Speaker 5: Kids, but not want to be in a fox foul
Speaker 5: with any of the people who you know, were clutching
Speaker 5: their pearls all the side.
Speaker 6: And curls, clutching and handwringing, were bed wedding and soaking
Speaker 6: all the way through the mattress?
Speaker 1: We panic and piss our pants.
Speaker 3: First of all, I'm not sure incontinence is the metaphor
Speaker 3: you want to go. And second of all, when are
Speaker 3: we going to free Senator Fetterman from the Turkish prison?
Speaker 1: He's been held there.
Speaker 2: That's I don't know, kiss his hands.
Speaker 3: But to those of you who say these concerns are
Speaker 3: simple pearl wedding and bed clutching, we all make mistakes,
Speaker 3: I thought I would take a moment to explain where
Speaker 3: the concern about Biden's performance might be coming from, why
Speaker 3: these concerns may be seen as a more foundational issue.
Speaker 3: You see, even before the debate, there had been some
Speaker 3: troubling moments of disconnect from the president.
Speaker 2: You know, perhaps this chart could if I marry.
Speaker 3: Sorry, the pen caps are made of kevlar, very difficult too.
Speaker 1: Perhaps this chart.
Speaker 3: Will illustrate and illuminate the point more clearly. For instance,
Speaker 3: in twenty twenty two, when we saw Biden give a
Speaker 3: shout out to Representative Jackie.
Speaker 7: Representative Jackie, you here? Where's Jackie? I think she want
Speaker 7: to be here?
Speaker 1: Unfortunately, Jackie was dead.
Speaker 3: It's something that the President seemed to have known six
Speaker 3: weeks earlier when he released they can statement about her death.
Speaker 1: So huh.
Speaker 3: Then there was the recounting of a recent conversation that
Speaker 3: the President had had with his counterpart, the president of.
Speaker 7: France, and from Germany, I mean, from France, looked at
Speaker 7: me and said, I said, you know, why how long
Speaker 7: you back for?
Speaker 1: Unfortunately, Miterrand is also dead for longer even than that
Speaker 1: first lady. So huh.
Speaker 3: And even on teleprompter things continue to huh, Like the
Speaker 3: reading of the instructions people sometimes add to teleprompter scripts.
Speaker 7: The percentage of women who registered to vote and cast
Speaker 7: a ballot is consistently higher than the percentage of the
Speaker 7: men who do so. End of quote, repeat them. At
Speaker 7: the travel school I went to was a guy named
Speaker 7: Riley last name.
Speaker 1: Four more years.
Speaker 2: Ah.
Speaker 3: Then, of course, to be fair state of the Union
Speaker 3: concern dropped a little bit of the state of the Union.
Speaker 1: He kind of nailed it.
Speaker 3: But then the debate happened and we kind of what
Speaker 3: the what is what.
Speaker 6: Now?
Speaker 3: To my mind, the debate was a shock display of
Speaker 3: cognitive difficulty recognizable to unfortunately anybody who's dealt with aging
Speaker 3: parents and it's a hard watch. But there were many
Speaker 3: viewers who felt it was not as noteworthy as Biden's
Speaker 3: opponent in the debate.
Speaker 7: It's pretty amazing that, you know, ninety percent of the
Speaker 7: conversation is around Joe Biden's style went up on that stage.
Speaker 7: Donald Trump was engaged in a level of pathological lying
Speaker 7: that we've never seen.
Speaker 5: Shouldn't the discussions also be about Trump's fitness to serve.
Speaker 5: Every time he opened his mouth he said something insane
Speaker 5: or that was a lie. Why aren't there calls for
Speaker 5: Trump to drop out?
Speaker 2: Where are they? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Why doesn't anyone ever speak out about Donald Trump?
Speaker 1: Or let's say, every night for ten years? But you
Speaker 1: know what, the party, I take your quarter, not me
Speaker 1: because I want to hear. But I'm fair point.
Speaker 2: And let's take a look at Trump's chart.
Speaker 1: It's all bad.
Speaker 2: The whole thing is bad.
Speaker 3: It's been bad since he's he started to grab him
Speaker 3: by the pussy.
Speaker 1: I mean that what you're gonna know.
Speaker 2: The whole thing's been bad.
Speaker 1: The whole thing.
Speaker 2: The difference is this, I will tell you the difference.
Speaker 1: I will tell you the difference.
Speaker 3: The difference is Trump delivered at the debate to expectation.
Speaker 1: We expect him to.
Speaker 3: Be so crazy, but Biden's performance inability to articulate at
Speaker 3: times from stunning, like I could not believe what I
Speaker 3: was watching.
Speaker 2: Just thinking about it again just makes me want.
Speaker 1: To rip up my.
Speaker 2: Why do we make this out of such strong material?
Speaker 1: But then it got worse.
Speaker 3: Rather than respecting the American people and having an honest,
Speaker 3: at least partial conversation about what we had all seen,
Speaker 3: we were told immediately, these are not the droids you're
Speaker 3: looking for.
Speaker 2: He has a stutter, he hasn't debated in four years.
Speaker 1: He was almost over prepared. He had of people have
Speaker 1: an off dight.
Speaker 8: You know, the president traveled six time zones forward to
Speaker 8: G seven, and he was also doing continued to do
Speaker 8: his presidential duties. And also he had a cold. He
Speaker 8: was jet lagged.
Speaker 3: He'd been home for almost two weeks. He was jet lagged.
Speaker 3: How big is that fing jet? The point is for
Speaker 3: a campaign based on honesty and decency. The spin about
Speaker 3: the debate appears to be blatant bullshit, and the redemption
Speaker 3: tour hasn't gone that much better, whether it's been on
Speaker 3: the radio.
Speaker 7: I'm proud to be as I said the first vice president,
Speaker 7: first black woman, black.
Speaker 1: President, yes, queen.
Speaker 3: Or brother, or whether the president is on prompter and
Speaker 3: fired up.
Speaker 7: Let me say as clear as I can, I'm.
Speaker 6: Staying in a race.
Speaker 1: I'll beat Donald Trump.
Speaker 6: I will beat him again at twenty twenty.
Speaker 2: I gotta tell you.
Speaker 3: Somehow, confusion with confidence is even more unsettlited. Or when
Speaker 3: the President sat down with George Stephanopolis to prove once
Speaker 3: and for all how cogent.
Speaker 2: He is and to fill a bronzer ad.
Speaker 1: Orange man good. None of this was reassuring.
Speaker 3: And we're told that the threat of Trump is so
Speaker 3: great and the stakes are so high that even bringing
Speaker 3: up these absolutely legitimate concerns about the president's ability to
Speaker 3: do the most vigorous job in the world for the
Speaker 3: next four years is enabling fascism. Yet even the president
Speaker 3: doesn't seem particularly alarmed. If you stay in and Trump
Speaker 3: is elected, in every you're warning about comes to pass,
Speaker 3: how will you feel in January?
Speaker 7: I feel as long as I gave it my all
Speaker 7: and I did the good's job as I know I
Speaker 7: can do, That's what this is about.
Speaker 1: That's not what this is about.
Speaker 2: There are no participation trophies in endgame.
Speaker 1: Democracy.
Speaker 3: I remember FDR saying, well, if the Nazis take over Europe,
Speaker 3: at least both teams had fun.
Speaker 1: And it's really troubling.
Speaker 2: As this new information has been introduced.
Speaker 3: We just learned about this, and now we're all being told, well,
Speaker 3: you should have thought of that before you knew it.
Speaker 3: We can't go against the will of the voters Democrats
Speaker 3: who voted in all fifty states in the primary, that
Speaker 3: is who they want to be their nominee.
Speaker 7: He's the nominee because millions and millions of people voted
Speaker 7: for him to be our.
Speaker 1: Nominee, and he will be our nominee. End of story.
Speaker 3: There was no real primary. Biden ran against Dean Phillips.
Speaker 3: That's not even a real person. That's a stock photo
Speaker 3: on the package for a garden home.
Speaker 1: It's not a person.
Speaker 2: AI.
Speaker 3: And let me say this, Authoritarianism and Donald Trump aren't
Speaker 3: the only threats our democracy faces. And arthritic status quo
Speaker 3: unable or unwilling to respond in any way to the
Speaker 3: concerns of voters who just received new and urgent information
Speaker 3: about their candidate also erodes confidence and faith in the
Speaker 3: system of government.
Speaker 1: Get on board or shut the up.
Speaker 7: It's not.
Speaker 1: It's not.
Speaker 3: Honestly, though, get on board or shut the Cup is
Speaker 3: not a particularly compelling pro democracy bumper sticker, nor is
Speaker 3: money than to do.
Speaker 9: I've gotten a lot of text today from folks who
Speaker 9: watched a lot of West Wing episodes and imagine a
Speaker 9: very complex path through which we might have a robust
Speaker 9: primary process. But Wolf, you know the reality. There's four
Speaker 9: months left to the presidential election.
Speaker 3: Four months is fourth ever. Britain just held an election
Speaker 3: in two months, France had two in one month, defeated
Speaker 3: fascism and still had time to have an affair with Denmark?
Speaker 3: Are you telling me, few sons of bitches, are you
Speaker 3: coming to my house and saying to my face that
Speaker 3: the United States, Bruce springs Stein's America can't hold an
Speaker 3: election better than augh French?
Speaker 1: Is that.
Speaker 3: It's fair month four months, it's one hundred and nineteen days.
Speaker 3: There are contestants on the Bachelor who haven't even met
Speaker 3: yet that will get.
Speaker 2: Married and divorced between now and the election.
Speaker 3: We have nothing be kind And by the way, I
Speaker 3: am in no way saying Biden's got to drop out,
Speaker 3: But can't we stress test this candidacy? Can't we open
Speaker 3: up the conversation. Do you understand the opportunity here?
Speaker 1: Do you have any idea how.
Speaker 3: Thirsty Americans are for any hint of inspiration or leadership
Speaker 3: and a release from this choice of a megalomaniac and
Speaker 3: a suffocating gerontocracy.
Speaker 2: It is trusting a sparitis. Do you have any idea
Speaker 2: what could be ahead of you?
Speaker 7: All one.
Speaker 3: Is for someone to keep it one hundred the percentage,
Speaker 3: not the age.
Speaker 1: That's all we want. Here's an idea. I'll spitball it.
Speaker 3: It's last minute, but why don't we try and get
Speaker 3: all the Democrats together.
Speaker 1: In I don't know six weeks time.
Speaker 3: We could get everybody to fly into some Midwestern town,
Speaker 3: maybe like one adjacent to important swing states. Let's call
Speaker 3: it Chicago, and they could spend I don't know four
Speaker 3: days there because nobody works Fridays anymore, and on Monday,
Speaker 3: anybody who wants to gives their sales pitch of how
Speaker 3: they can make democracy more responsive to the people it
Speaker 3: is supposed to serve.
Speaker 2: You could bang it out on Tuesday. The winners could.
Speaker 3: Move on to the next round and then face Biden.
Speaker 1: They could face Biden.
Speaker 3: Biden had to buy Wednesday would be an off day
Speaker 3: bus tour to find the restaurant from the bear. Thursday,
Speaker 3: the party emerges energized, unified, sanctified.
Speaker 1: You could televise the entire.
Speaker 2: Proceeding for four days, as you could call it.
Speaker 1: I don't know the apprentice, I'm just workshopping here, So.
Speaker 3: Feel free to ignore any obvious weaknesses in your team's
Speaker 3: existential fight for freedom and democracy and then just white
Speaker 3: knuckle this thing till November, or take the advice of
Speaker 3: your own candidate. Well, do you think there are.
Speaker 10: Any deva rabbit who a bet dollop other than you?
Speaker 1: Probably? I gotta say I like the cut of that
Speaker 1: fella's jib.
Speaker 5: Let's get things off with the big story of the
Speaker 5: past week, a national crisis with global implications. Somebody shit
Speaker 5: in the bed in Gwyneth Paltrow's guesthouse.
Speaker 10: According to The Daily Mail, a house guest of Gwyneth
Speaker 10: Paldrose Hampton's home suffered quote catastrophic diarrhea in bed. The
Speaker 10: house guests then blamed the disaster on ozempic before fleeing
Speaker 10: the property.
Speaker 5: Wow is one of the side effects of ozempic. Not
Speaker 5: caring about cleaning up the diarrhea you get from ozempic
Speaker 5: Why would you run out after that? If there's anyone
Speaker 5: who would be sympathetic, it's the woman who tells you
Speaker 5: to squirt coffee anema's up your butt And pardon my
Speaker 5: word choice here, but I want to sit in this
Speaker 5: mess for just a minute because it brings up an
Speaker 5: interesting question. When you shit the bed as visibly and
Speaker 5: as nationally as this guest did.
Speaker 6: Should you stay in the house or is it time
Speaker 6: to leave.
Speaker 5: I know that some people would say that the guests
Speaker 5: just had a bad night. He's a decent man with
Speaker 5: a lifetime of service as a house guest, and he's
Speaker 5: earned the chance to stay and clean up his mess.
Speaker 5: But the thing is, we all know he shit the bed.
Speaker 5: We can't unsee him shitting the bed, and now every
Speaker 5: time we see him, we're gonna be wondering, is he
Speaker 5: gonna shit the bed again?
Speaker 6: Are we still talking about the house guest?
Speaker 5: All I'm saying is Gwyneth has every right to be
Speaker 5: skeptical about inviting this house guest to stay over again
Speaker 5: for the next four years or so.
Speaker 6: I mean, it might be too late in the summer
Speaker 6: to get another house guests. There's plenty of time to
Speaker 6: get another house. Okay, okay, okay, but who's to say
Speaker 6: that another guest might not shit the bed even worse.
Speaker 6: I mean, sometimes the bed shitter you know, is better
Speaker 6: than the bed shitter you don't.
Speaker 5: Maybe, maybe, but we should at least be honest about
Speaker 5: the bed shitting instead of pretending that the bed was
Speaker 5: never shut in. Otherwise, we're gonna delude ourselves into thinking
Speaker 5: that this is the best house guest we can get.
Speaker 5: And now all of a sudden, it's January and there's
Speaker 5: a house guest that nobody wanted, and nobody in the
Speaker 5: house is allowed to get a goddamn abortion.
Speaker 6: Oh I'm almost certain we're not talking about the house gates.
Speaker 6: We're back, gotcha. So Joe Biden shit the bed, and
Speaker 6: now this campaign is trying to desperately change the conversation
Speaker 6: back to Joe Biden's opponent.
Speaker 11: New reporting today on a plan for President Joe Biden
Speaker 11: has a plan to tie Donald Trump to Project twenty
Speaker 11: twenty five and focus on what a second Trump presidency
Speaker 11: could look like.
Speaker 7: Democrats have been shouting from the rooftops that this Project
Speaker 7: twenty twenty five is.
Speaker 8: A blueprint for Trump to gut democracy if he wins.
Speaker 6: The DNC purchased five new billboards in Miami tying Trump
Speaker 6: to Project twenty twenty five.
Speaker 12: Today, the current president, Joe Biden just tweeted Google Project
Speaker 12: twenty five.
Speaker 6: He wants us to google it kind of phone in
Speaker 6: the attack. There aren't, did you? Although I'm not entirely
Speaker 6: convinced Biden wasn't trying to just google Project twenty twenty five.
Speaker 6: I mean his next tweet's gonna be alexa, how do
Speaker 6: you win a debate?
Speaker 5: But yes, if you haven't googled it yet. Project twenty
Speaker 5: twenty five is a nine hundred page blueprint for Donald
Speaker 5: Trump's second term. It's basically conservative fan fiction, which could
Speaker 5: very well become fan reality, and it's full of terrifying
Speaker 5: proposals that range from burning more fossil fuels to outlawing pornography,
Speaker 5: which is bad news for people who like to masturbate
Speaker 5: and horrible news for people who like to masturbate to
Speaker 5: our flourishing coral reefs.
Speaker 6: Maybe it's just me.
Speaker 5: The people behind Project twenty twenty five were some of
Speaker 5: Donald Trump's top aids, but apparently it's getting a little
Speaker 5: too controversial for Trump now because he's running away from it,
Speaker 5: like it's a disabled veteran who wants a selfie.
Speaker 4: Donald Trump chose today to try to distance himself from
Speaker 4: Project twenty twenty five One truth Social Today, Trump wrote,
Speaker 4: I know nothing about Project twenty twenty five. I have
Speaker 4: no idea who's behind it. I disagree with some of
Speaker 4: the things they're saying, and some of the things are
Speaker 4: saying are absolutely ridiculous and abysmal. Anything they do, I
Speaker 4: wish them luck, but I have nothing to do with them.
Speaker 6: Really, you expect us to believe Donald Trump didn't read
Speaker 6: a nine hundred page Okay, now that I'm saying it,
Speaker 6: I hear it. Yes, I hear it. I do. Okay, Yeah,
Speaker 6: I do. Okay. Well, let's look at this. Okay, this
Speaker 6: is textbook Trump. He hides his dog whistles next to
Speaker 6: some plausible deniability. Every tweet is like a cheesecake factory menu.
Speaker 6: There's something for everybody. He doesn't mind if it's full
Speaker 6: of contradictions. He hasn't read Project twenty twenty five, but
Speaker 6: he likes parts of it. He has no idea who's
Speaker 6: behind it, but he hired most of them. He thinks
Speaker 6: it's abysmal, but he wishes them luck. He's got one
Speaker 6: hand in his pocket and the other one's giving a
Speaker 6: high five. By the way, if Trump's saying I don't
Speaker 6: know who these people are, but I wish them luck
Speaker 6: sounds both odd and oddly familiar. It might be because
Speaker 6: of this.
Speaker 3: President Trump was asked late today about Jeffrey Epstein's alleged
Speaker 3: co conspirator, Gallainne Maxwell.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I haven't really been following it too much.
Speaker 1: I just wish her well.
Speaker 6: Frankly, here's here's here's a tweet idea for Joe Biden.
Speaker 6: Google Gallaine Maxwell.
Speaker 5: But yes, the Biden campaign would love the media to
Speaker 5: start talking about Project twenty twenty five so they can
Speaker 5: stop talking about things like this.
Speaker 12: Hew's broke today that a military doctor is specializing in
Speaker 12: Parkins visited the White House eight times in eight months.
Speaker 6: Eight times and eight months. That is shocking.
Speaker 5: I can't get one doctor's appointment in eight months. I
Speaker 5: had to go to the CBS Minute Clinic to get
Speaker 5: my tubes tied.
Speaker 6: Now, as it.
Speaker 5: Turns out, this doctor only examined Biden during his annual physicals,
Speaker 5: and the other visits were for other people at the
Speaker 5: White House. So this story might have blown right by
Speaker 5: until this happened.
Speaker 13: The White House today facing repeated questions about President Biden's
Speaker 13: medical history.
Speaker 8: Has the President been treated for Parkinson's No? Is he
Speaker 8: being treated for Parkinson's, No he's not. Is he taking
Speaker 8: medication for Parkinson's No.
Speaker 13: But the Press Secretary refused to confirm that doctor Kevin
Speaker 13: kannar expert on Parkinson's disease, visited the White House eight
Speaker 13: times from last summer to this past spring.
Speaker 8: Hold on a second.
Speaker 1: You should be able to answer by this point.
Speaker 8: Wait no, no, no, no, no no, no, wait a minute, come bed,
Speaker 8: Please a little respect here, Please, it is you're asking.
Speaker 8: I also said to you, Ed. I also said to
Speaker 8: you for security reasons, we cannot share names. We cannot
Speaker 8: share names.
Speaker 5: Look, I know she's trying to protect people's privacy, but
Speaker 5: anytime you're being that cagy with information, it just makes
Speaker 5: it look like you're hiding something. It almost would have
Speaker 5: been better to just make something up like Joe and
Speaker 5: Jill are and doctor Parkinson's are in a throttle.
Speaker 6: I mean, do you want the youth vote or not.
Speaker 6: For more of the questions over Joe Biden's health, we
Speaker 6: go live to the briefing room with our senior White
Speaker 6: House analyst, Michael Costa. Michael, Michael, why is the White
Speaker 6: House being so cagy about the President's health?
Speaker 12: Guys, I've been talking to White House officials and it
Speaker 12: turns out the media is blowing this way out of proportion.
Speaker 1: So what Parkinson's doctor is there? A few times? Big deal?
Speaker 12: An SDD doctor has been here every day for a week,
Speaker 12: and no one's asking if the President has an STD.
Speaker 6: Does the President have an STD?
Speaker 1: That'd be pretty cool.
Speaker 6: Huh No, No, does he have an STD? Or not?
Speaker 6: Answer the question?
Speaker 1: Guys, calmed down.
Speaker 12: He definitely does not have hepatitis A, if that's what
Speaker 12: you're asking.
Speaker 6: Does he have hepatitis B or c D?
Speaker 2: E FG sounds like a preschool in here.
Speaker 1: I mean, this is.
Speaker 12: What the White House is talking about. The media needs
Speaker 12: to calm down.
Speaker 5: No, No, the White House can't drop concerning information and
Speaker 5: then be angry when the media tries to report on it.
Speaker 1: There's nothing to report on Biden's fine.
Speaker 12: But even if he isn't, which he is, the White
Speaker 12: House has a great medical staff with tons of spare organs.
Speaker 6: Good did Biden need organs?
Speaker 12: No one said anything about getting organs from pigs.
Speaker 1: Why would he even need that. Biden's in great shape.
Speaker 1: He's got the heart of an ox.
Speaker 6: Wait. Okay are you.
Speaker 1: Are you talking?
Speaker 6: Are you talking figuratively or literally?
Speaker 1: I know?
Speaker 6: Right, answer curiating?
Speaker 1: Hey, hey, a little respect? Please a little respect? Okay, sorry, good,
Speaker 1: thank you. Let's be calm and let this family grieve.
Speaker 12: What you can't share names about which family is grieving,
Speaker 12: which sitting president of the United States, Which they're not,
Speaker 12: but they could be one day, which might be today?
Speaker 5: Oh my god, Michael. Michael answered this one question clearly
Speaker 5: without raising any further questions. Okay, where is the president
Speaker 5: right now?
Speaker 12: The President is at the NATO summon?
Speaker 1: Great?
Speaker 2: Great, okay, and he's in all of our hearts.
Speaker 6: Wait what no, we hate you?
Speaker 5: Okay, geez, Michael cost everyone.
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