Speaker 1: Welcome to Carefully Reckless, the production of Our Heart Radio
Speaker 1: and the Black Effects, and just like that, we're back
Speaker 1: on the air. Welcome back to yet another carefully Reckless
Speaker 1: episode with your girl. Just hilarious. Okay, so look, this
Speaker 1: is day number nine for me on set, and like
Speaker 1: I told y'all last week, I'm going to be helping
Speaker 1: y'all and fixing you'all mess and between scenes. So listen,
Speaker 1: this is what I'm doing. So if my voice is
Speaker 1: horse and I sound like somebody's dad, it's because I've
Speaker 1: been screaming to the top of my lungs filming this movie.
Speaker 1: By the way, the movie is called Pretty Stoned and
Speaker 1: it drops on four on v H one and TV
Speaker 1: and all that other good ship the Viacom channels, you know. Anyway,
Speaker 1: So unfortunately we do not have voice notes. So I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be reading bad with me, Chad, because God, I've
Speaker 1: been reading scripts and all of that, and I know,
Speaker 1: I let me stop trying to shut on y'all. I'm
Speaker 1: not trying to shut on y'all. I'm just saying I'm
Speaker 1: goddamn tired of reading. Well, just because y'all don't want
Speaker 1: your boyfriends and y'all beloved loved ones and best friends
Speaker 1: and all that ship people that y'all following up with
Speaker 1: to hear your voice because they recognize you a little
Speaker 1: stinking as voices. I got to read, all is nonpunctuality.
Speaker 1: So let's jump straight in. Hi. Just see. My name
Speaker 1: is Kiki. I'm twenty one from Detroit and I need
Speaker 1: your help. Well, there goes anonymous. My father was shot
Speaker 1: and killed when I was three years old, so I
Speaker 1: grew up without my father and was raised by my mother.
Speaker 1: Growing up, I made bad decisions and men and some
Speaker 1: women as well, even though my mother did the best
Speaker 1: she could raising me and my brother. I'm writing you
Speaker 1: this because throughout my life I lost a lot of
Speaker 1: people in my family. A year after my father passed,
Speaker 1: I lost Grandpa, my dad's father. When I was all right,
Speaker 1: you left out a word, but I guess you're trying
Speaker 1: to say when I was younger, when I was a baby,
Speaker 1: my father's mother passed. My grandfather did reamy years before
Speaker 1: I was born, and she is my bonus granny and
Speaker 1: I love her. By the time I turned seventeen, I
Speaker 1: lost my mentor. She was danced and choir director for
Speaker 1: years I never got to say goodbye. By eighteen, I
Speaker 1: lost a few of my uncles. By eighteen I lost
Speaker 1: one of my uncles, a few months after another uncle.
Speaker 1: In I lost my aunt, and most recently in April,
Speaker 1: I lost my granny, my mother's mom with her past,
Speaker 1: and this one was really hard to accept. She passed
Speaker 1: right before her mother's day and right before my twenty
Speaker 1: one birthday. What's really eating at me is that the
Speaker 1: last conversation we had, we argued a little. She had
Speaker 1: always been independent, but just got sick. She was no
Speaker 1: longer able to do things on her own, as simple
Speaker 1: as just drinking a glass of water or using the bathroom.
Speaker 1: The last thing she said, basically was get out, I
Speaker 1: don't care. The next day we placed her in the
Speaker 1: hospital because she wanted to go. That day, my mom
Speaker 1: took her in and she was talking, but by the
Speaker 1: time I got off work, she was on a ventilator
Speaker 1: and basically in a coma. Oh my god. She never
Speaker 1: woke up and passed away two weeks later. I never
Speaker 1: got to say her voice again. My question is how
Speaker 1: do I manage all of the loss I have seen
Speaker 1: and been through all my life and still continue on
Speaker 1: gaining happiness for myself. PS. My bad girl for calling
Speaker 1: you Jesse. I was typing too fast and didn't realize
Speaker 1: until it was already sent. I love you, girl. I
Speaker 1: do not mind you calling me Jesse at all. First
Speaker 1: and foremost, you are a very strong young woman. I'm
Speaker 1: glad that you sought the courage to even reach out
Speaker 1: to me and be as vulnerable as you were to
Speaker 1: share as much as you did. Losses are not easy,
Speaker 1: especially back to back to back to back losses. People
Speaker 1: have different ways of dealing with losses. UM. I noticed
Speaker 1: that you told me about all the people that you lost,
Speaker 1: but you never told me just how you managed to
Speaker 1: deal with it or how how you have coped in
Speaker 1: the past with it. You said, the hardest loss that
Speaker 1: you had to take was your grandmother, and that was
Speaker 1: so hard because you guys kind of ended not on
Speaker 1: a really bad note, but not really a good note.
Speaker 1: You guys argued a little bit. She had told you
Speaker 1: to get out. Um, you guys had differences, and Um,
Speaker 1: the next day she was placed in the hospital and
Speaker 1: two weeks later died after you not even being able
Speaker 1: to hear her voice after the argument because you were
Speaker 1: at work and didn't get off until later on that day,
Speaker 1: and she was already on the ventilator by then. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry for all of your losses. However, you're still
Speaker 1: twenty one, okay. Nothing can sue the pain, nothing can
Speaker 1: bring those those loved ones back. But you, being twenty
Speaker 1: one and still at a very young age and still
Speaker 1: having so much life to live. I think that you
Speaker 1: should take this as a stepping stone for what has
Speaker 1: prepared you for this cruel world that we live in today.
Speaker 1: We do. We live in a very very cruel world.
Speaker 1: We live in a world where you can see somebody
Speaker 1: here today and gone today. You can see somebody this morning,
Speaker 1: they're gone this afternoon. You know, you can see somebody
Speaker 1: the night before they're gone the next day. You've gone
Speaker 1: through a lot of that. I think starting your healing
Speaker 1: process looks like therapy. And I don't mean just fix
Speaker 1: my mask. I mean like some real, real therapy, not
Speaker 1: so much deeply rooted issues. You already know what they are.
Speaker 1: You already know the deal with your parents and your
Speaker 1: grandparents and in all of the branches on your family tree.
Speaker 1: I think it's just a matter of you surrounding yourself
Speaker 1: with positive energy and going to healing groups. Like Also,
Speaker 1: I just recently gave this same advice to someone else
Speaker 1: I was helping on this podcast. I'm having a deja
Speaker 1: vu moment very vividly as I spoke on this. There
Speaker 1: are healing groups and support groups at churches, and if
Speaker 1: you're non religious, there are different support groups that are
Speaker 1: non religious, um that you can act really participate, and
Speaker 1: they have them weekly. Sometimes people need them more than
Speaker 1: once a week. People need them daily until they're able
Speaker 1: to kind of grasp what that healing looks like, that
Speaker 1: self healing looks like, and then you need these groups
Speaker 1: less and less. Like I said, surround yourself with positivity,
Speaker 1: things that make you happy. There has to be something
Speaker 1: that makes you happy and um, all this turmoil and
Speaker 1: through all of these losses that you've encountered in your
Speaker 1: younger years in life up until now, there has to
Speaker 1: be something that you know makes you happy. And you
Speaker 1: have to have a happy place to go to. Even
Speaker 1: if there's something in particular that doesn't make you happy,
Speaker 1: that has to be someplace that brings you good memories, UM,
Speaker 1: happiness to look forward to. Something like that. Are you dating?
Speaker 1: Do you have many friends? Are you satisfied with the
Speaker 1: job that you have. Do you have a pet? Do
Speaker 1: you have an emotional support dog? Do you You You know
Speaker 1: because I have one. When I was going through not
Speaker 1: being able to juggle being a full time mom and
Speaker 1: a full time entertainer because my son was in school
Speaker 1: and and I was on the road a lot, I
Speaker 1: got a dog. I used to take my dog, Vain,
Speaker 1: who's a French bull dog by the way, and is
Speaker 1: going on three years old. March is his birthday. And
Speaker 1: don't play with my dog. He's an aries. I bought him,
Speaker 1: and he bought so much joy to my life. He
Speaker 1: actually helped me cope with being alone and away from
Speaker 1: my son, my biological son, you know, because I say
Speaker 1: my dog is my son as well. They're very good
Speaker 1: for emotional support. They're very good for when you do
Speaker 1: feel only. They're good for breakups. They're good for losses,
Speaker 1: They're good for filling that void. And um they never
Speaker 1: leave you, they never turn turn on you. UM. I
Speaker 1: can't speak for every breed of dog, but I know
Speaker 1: that your frenchie will not because mine hasn't. And this
Speaker 1: is not my first frenchie. I've had too, but there
Speaker 1: are multiple outlets that will help you with where you
Speaker 1: are in your life right now and how you feel
Speaker 1: like there there can never be happiness, and how it
Speaker 1: seems like it's never ending misery for you. There are
Speaker 1: different outlets, So I just I want you to take
Speaker 1: into account that there is help, but I want you
Speaker 1: to go lee on an actual couch and actual therapist
Speaker 1: couch and and get through this because you definitely can
Speaker 1: check back in with me. I want to make sure
Speaker 1: you're fine. I want to make sure you're okay. You know.
Speaker 1: I love to do the check ins. Okay, And by
Speaker 1: you being so young, I think you're gonna figure it out.
Speaker 1: I really do. I see a lot for you. Tell
Speaker 1: me a lot more or a little bit more about yourself,
Speaker 1: about your social life and are you an introvert like
Speaker 1: I want to learn more about you other than just
Speaker 1: your losses that you've been through, you know, the loss
Speaker 1: of your loved ones. Uh. There there are so many
Speaker 1: other things I bet that you can tell me. There
Speaker 1: is so much more to you. I know it is,
Speaker 1: so check back in and let me know it's a
Speaker 1: lot of things you didn't tell me, because I want
Speaker 1: to know exactly how I can help you. You gave
Speaker 1: me quite a bit, but it's not enough of you.
Speaker 1: You didn't tell me about yourself, gave me a lot
Speaker 1: about the family tree. So check back in with me,
Speaker 1: baby girl. If you love me, you'll listen to this
Speaker 1: commercial and then we'll be right back and moving on. Okay,
Speaker 1: we have a guy this time. Then he did not
Speaker 1: send a voice note in, so I'll be reading his story.
Speaker 1: Here we go. If one was interested, how would one
Speaker 1: go about being your friend with benefits only sexual benefits,
Speaker 1: nothing more. Ask me for a friend. Get the fucking
Speaker 1: offer here, ship, I'm trying to help people. You trying
Speaker 1: to bust a nut, sir. Look it's going on. Hey, Jays,
Speaker 1: I really don't know where to start, but I will say.
Speaker 1: I'm a twenty seven year old mother. I have two girls.
Speaker 1: The oldest is ten and the youngest is six. My
Speaker 1: kids no longer live with me. My aunt did an
Speaker 1: emergency custody order on me back in while I was
Speaker 1: at work Walmart. But before that, I let her know
Speaker 1: that my last child, dad kept popping up to my
Speaker 1: crib at all times of the night, accusing me of
Speaker 1: laying up because I never answered the phone when he
Speaker 1: was calling. At two thirty am, three o'clock am, so
Speaker 1: he pop up. Growing up, I was taken from my
Speaker 1: mom at three months, from her sisters who had three
Speaker 1: boys of their own. But the aunt I was with
Speaker 1: first she had two boys and one girl. My mom
Speaker 1: had two boys than me. I never really got the
Speaker 1: time to be around my mom, so I really don't
Speaker 1: know her like that, and she died when I was ten.
Speaker 1: I was literally getting passed from both aunts back and forth.
Speaker 1: The one who has my kids now have kids that
Speaker 1: are mentally not there, and one of them has to
Speaker 1: be at least thirty six. He works for when Dixie
Speaker 1: and the other got to be at least thirty. He
Speaker 1: plays games and works at Walmart. The youngest is in
Speaker 1: the military, and he witnessed his older brother doing weird
Speaker 1: ship when I was younger, like catching him sniffing my
Speaker 1: panties by the washing machine to peek through the cracks
Speaker 1: in the bathroom door when we were in a trailer
Speaker 1: at the time. Then when I was with the other
Speaker 1: aunt and we came down to visit them, me and
Speaker 1: my girl cousin would get in trouble for laughing too loud,
Speaker 1: so our aunt would make us come in the living room.
Speaker 1: We'd fall asleep eventually, but every time we woke up,
Speaker 1: her oldest son he'd be in between us. So after
Speaker 1: my kids got taken, I moved back and with the
Speaker 1: aunt that took me at three months. She'd let anyone
Speaker 1: crash at her spot. I had good days just as
Speaker 1: well as terrible ones. The aunt with my kids would
Speaker 1: come by to visit her sister, so I'd get to
Speaker 1: spend five minutes with the kids because she didn't stay long.
Speaker 1: And every time the kids see me, they come running
Speaker 1: calling me mommy, but my aunt be rolling her eyes.
Speaker 1: This the same lady died ten times from a heart
Speaker 1: attack in oh six goddamn, and came back to life
Speaker 1: acting like a Christian. But she once told me I
Speaker 1: was going to be good for nothing but laying on
Speaker 1: my back, and she said she was going to haunt
Speaker 1: me if she was to ever die, which I felt
Speaker 1: like she's already dead because I have custody orders saying
Speaker 1: to get my kids on Mother's Day all major holidays.
Speaker 1: Last time I tried, which was about two weeks ago,
Speaker 1: I show up to our house. She had church music playing.
Speaker 1: I sat at her table, opened my folder with my
Speaker 1: court documents and a calendar to discuss the days. This
Speaker 1: lady just started yelling and telling the girls, tell your mama,
Speaker 1: you don't want to be with her, and they started crying.
Speaker 1: So I kissed my oldest and told her, Mama, finna leave.
Speaker 1: I don't got time for your auntie drama. Me and
Speaker 1: my girlfriend of three years moved to Florida in June,
Speaker 1: of which is an hour away there in Alabama. It's
Speaker 1: like this woman didn't expect me to come from my children,
Speaker 1: and it's while she's brainwashing them with mother in their
Speaker 1: right mind. Once their little girls living on the couch
Speaker 1: with them when God knows who's walking in and out
Speaker 1: all times of the night. It was times my car
Speaker 1: would break down and nobody would help me to get
Speaker 1: work done on it, and not even the ones living
Speaker 1: with me at the time because they were too busy
Speaker 1: or too sleepy. Then again I got in some mess
Speaker 1: back in so I asked my aunt what she get
Speaker 1: the kids, because I didn't want neither dad having them
Speaker 1: because a lot was going on. Even though my case
Speaker 1: didn't come up until mid I'm in the process of
Speaker 1: handling that now with a lawyer because I have court
Speaker 1: next month. So I'm gonna work on the custody case
Speaker 1: right away when I get my chips straight. I've been
Speaker 1: at this hotel job for six months. I put a
Speaker 1: position in stating she's not going by the court's order,
Speaker 1: she's not allowing me to see my children, and I
Speaker 1: feel like to take it a step even further to
Speaker 1: help my fight. I want to bring up her child
Speaker 1: touching me so bad, because honestly, I don't feel comfortable
Speaker 1: with my girls living there. What you think about my mess?
Speaker 1: This is generational curse that needs to be broken. My
Speaker 1: grandmother called Alzheimer's an oh four and the aunt that
Speaker 1: I was with at first all he's left me with her.
Speaker 1: We had a big household which belonged to my grandmother.
Speaker 1: My aunt just took over, moved my kids four hours away,
Speaker 1: and she never came to see her mom when she
Speaker 1: was sick because she was too busy taking care of
Speaker 1: somebody else's mom. I literally had to feed my grandmother med's,
Speaker 1: bathe her, feed her. Most of the time she would
Speaker 1: spit the meds out. One night, a man knocked on
Speaker 1: the door saying he see our grandmother walking towards the
Speaker 1: cemetery we lived on a dirt road in the middle
Speaker 1: of nowhere. It took an hour to get to a store.
Speaker 1: Plus I was barely in school. I had asthma bad,
Speaker 1: so I was either in the hospital or home with
Speaker 1: my grandmother. As soon as my mom died, she was
Speaker 1: living with the aunt that has my kids now, her sister.
Speaker 1: I moved in months after that because I kept getting
Speaker 1: in trouble. Me and my younger cousin was fighting too much,
Speaker 1: so I said I wanted to leave, and once spring
Speaker 1: break came, I left. I get with the aunt that
Speaker 1: has my kids now, and she's never there. She's out
Speaker 1: in the streets coming home, falling on the floor, drunk
Speaker 1: as how, and all kinds of stuff. She went Christian
Speaker 1: and really got worse. If you ask me, all she
Speaker 1: does is mumble under her breath. It's weird. I could
Speaker 1: go on and on. Girl you have She's always saying
Speaker 1: I'm on drugs, and she labels it badly. All I
Speaker 1: do is smoke weed. She calls it dope. But I
Speaker 1: don't smoke dope because I know I'm gonna have to
Speaker 1: pee clean for my babies, so whenever the time comes,
Speaker 1: I'll be good. Okay, So, honey, child, you were ever reware,
Speaker 1: and I still don't even know exactly what your question
Speaker 1: is as to how I can help you. So I'm
Speaker 1: just going to try to assist you as best as
Speaker 1: I know how after reading that long, long story. Hold up,
Speaker 1: hold up, I know the ship getting good. But listen
Speaker 1: to just a couple of seconds of a commercial. If
Speaker 1: you love me, you'll listen. So obviously, there are family issues,
Speaker 1: just like my girl in the first story, there are
Speaker 1: family issues there, and these seeing a bit worse because
Speaker 1: it's like your family is not even a damn family
Speaker 1: like your aunts and and your cousins, and you know
Speaker 1: you're being touched, and then you having to deal with
Speaker 1: the fact that the very same house that you grew
Speaker 1: up in and you were touched and your kids are
Speaker 1: under the care of those same people. You know. So
Speaker 1: I can only imagine what you're going through, how it's
Speaker 1: making you feel as a parent. You feel helpless, you
Speaker 1: feel useless, You probably feel like you can't even help
Speaker 1: your children. And the fact that you did mention there
Speaker 1: at the end that you know you need your p
Speaker 1: to be clean, your urine to be clean. I'm assuming
Speaker 1: your own probation supervised, that is, and UM, I don't
Speaker 1: know what your charges are. I don't care. You just
Speaker 1: need to get your children. You need to get yourself
Speaker 1: together so you can get your children, because there's some
Speaker 1: things going on with you as well. I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: sit here and blame every single thing on your family.
Speaker 1: I'm not blaming anything on you either, because now what
Speaker 1: what is blaming anyone gonna do for anything right now?
Speaker 1: But there are issues that you have as well. There's
Speaker 1: trouble that I can tell that you are in and
Speaker 1: out of, not just that one time in there is
Speaker 1: a demons you're fighting, there are there seems like a
Speaker 1: dark cloud over your head wherever you go. I need
Speaker 1: for you to get yourself together and get your children.
Speaker 1: Your aunt seems to love your babies, but don't really
Speaker 1: have the best interest for you. Um. I feel like
Speaker 1: she may be bitter and fed up with you. I
Speaker 1: think whatever you have done in the past, uh, maybe
Speaker 1: in her eyes, you haven't taken life serious. You could
Speaker 1: have done more as a mother in her eyes. I
Speaker 1: feel like so she's kind of bitter towards you. She
Speaker 1: kind of maybe feels like you didn't do enough to
Speaker 1: get your children, you know, and and a lot of
Speaker 1: people that take on other family members children, they kind
Speaker 1: of start resenting whoever the biological parent is because I'm
Speaker 1: over here is taking care of your child, your chill drinking.
Speaker 1: In a lot of cases, not just one, it's children,
Speaker 1: multiple children being taken care of by family member, and
Speaker 1: you out here just still on drugs. So you are here,
Speaker 1: just still doing what you're doing. And you're just out
Speaker 1: here in the fucking streets and ship. You're not even
Speaker 1: making an effort to better yourself. So you can show
Speaker 1: me that you at least are trying to get on
Speaker 1: your fucking feet within a timely fashion. Like you know,
Speaker 1: Tom is fucking ticking, and kids grow up. They don't
Speaker 1: get younger, they only get older. So you know, I
Speaker 1: know a part of your aunt is like, look, I
Speaker 1: raised my children, whether they're good boys or not, good boys,
Speaker 1: bad boys, good children, whatever I raised my children. I'm
Speaker 1: doing you a favor, the due diligence of what a
Speaker 1: family should be at all times, because it takes a village.
Speaker 1: And she is head of your village because she has
Speaker 1: your children and has had your children for a while.
Speaker 1: Now that's coming from her side. From your side, you
Speaker 1: need to get your children because you don't want them
Speaker 1: to go through the same thing you went through. No,
Speaker 1: you weren't brutally raped and all that, but you were
Speaker 1: touched and it could have gone that way. Your cousins
Speaker 1: smelling your panties and all that. Ship And they're now older.
Speaker 1: This was when they were younger. Only god knows what
Speaker 1: the hell they are into now if they're still that way.
Speaker 1: Not saying that, but I'm only going off of what
Speaker 1: you told me. One of them in her thirties and
Speaker 1: the other one in late twenties or what what have you. Whatever,
Speaker 1: you need to get your children, get yourself together, get
Speaker 1: a job. I'm talking about, go through the courts, do
Speaker 1: it the right way. Don't fight your aunt. Don't try
Speaker 1: to reason with her. Don't. She's so angry and still
Speaker 1: bitter and still piste off with you right now, you know,
Speaker 1: especially how you said the meeting went when you went
Speaker 1: to go. You know, when she bought the kids over
Speaker 1: to the house for five minutes and she's telling the
Speaker 1: kids to tell your mother she y'all don't want to
Speaker 1: go with her and all that. And you know your
Speaker 1: kids are only getting older, they're going to start seeing
Speaker 1: this and developing their own rendition of what family is
Speaker 1: in their minds and it cannot be this. So you
Speaker 1: have to do what you have to do. Put on
Speaker 1: your big girl panties, get yourself together, go get your children,
Speaker 1: check back in all right, and if you haven't heard
Speaker 1: it in a while, I don't know you, but I
Speaker 1: love you. And just like that, we're gonna end this episode.
Speaker 1: We had too very painfully emotional stories. Oh my God,
Speaker 1: or should I say emotionally painful stories. I'm over here
Speaker 1: and between sets about the damn cry Jesus. Both of
Speaker 1: these women have gone through traumatic stress, a great deal
Speaker 1: of trauma and their families, and um, I'm praying for
Speaker 1: both of them, and y'all should do the same. Make
Speaker 1: sure you tune into co parents and therapy with Rome
Speaker 1: and just that's me a little baby daddy as we're
Speaker 1: sitting down with other parents who are trying to create
Speaker 1: healthy environments for their children to grow up in and
Speaker 1: to raise them amicably, move forward amicably without trying to
Speaker 1: be together, so that lives on YouTube. That it's taken
Speaker 1: the place right now of reckless discussions while we work
Speaker 1: on revamping season two, which is still coming, y'all. Less
Speaker 1: in the works. I leave y'all hanging house of jewels coming.
Speaker 1: Make sure you tune into Carefully Reckless each and every
Speaker 1: Wednesday on your way to work in the mornings and
Speaker 1: the evenings wherever you get your podcast at. And then
Speaker 1: my deepest pam boys, peace, see you next week. M H.
Speaker 1: Carefully Reckless is a production of I Heart Radio and
Speaker 1: The Black Effect. For more podcasts from I Heart Radio,
Speaker 1: visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.