WEBVTT - 3 Scientific Reasons Why We Lose The Spark and 3 Ways To Get It Back 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:05.000 Men tend to demonstrate what psychologists call the dark triad 0:00:05.160 --> 0:00:08.840 of characteristics more often no, no, Everyone's like, WHOA, what's 0:00:08.840 --> 0:00:15.040 the dark triad? So the dark triad of characteristics are narcissism, psychopathy, 0:00:15.240 --> 0:00:18.320 and this last one is the manipulativeness and an extreme 0:00:18.400 --> 0:00:22.599 focus on their own interests over others. These traits don't 0:00:22.600 --> 0:00:24.840 sound at all attractive, right, I mean, you're not going 0:00:24.920 --> 0:00:34.479 that's what I want? But are you? Hey? Everyone, welcome 0:00:34.520 --> 0:00:37.960 back to our Purpose, the number one health podcast in 0:00:38.000 --> 0:00:41.120 the world, where you come back every week to become 0:00:41.159 --> 0:00:45.440 a happier, healthier and more healed. 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Go to j shettytour 0:02:06.440 --> 0:02:10.920 dot com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences 0:02:11.160 --> 0:02:14.239 and more. I can't wait to see you this year now. 0:02:14.280 --> 0:02:19.480 Today's episode is something I think that's so so important, 0:02:19.520 --> 0:02:21.680 and I'm hearing about it more and more because I 0:02:21.720 --> 0:02:27.320 think we underestimate the impact that the last few years 0:02:27.480 --> 0:02:33.680 have had on our relationships. We underestimate the impact that 0:02:34.480 --> 0:02:38.200 it's had on us, whether we're inner relationship or whether 0:02:38.200 --> 0:02:40.480 we're single, and for a lot of us, our relationship 0:02:40.520 --> 0:02:44.720 status changed during the pandemic. Some people got into new 0:02:44.760 --> 0:02:48.280 relationships so we're just starting. Some people actually broke up 0:02:48.320 --> 0:02:51.640 from even long term relationships. And then there's all of 0:02:51.720 --> 0:02:55.560 us who may feel social anxiety now being out in 0:02:55.600 --> 0:02:58.760 public meeting new people. And so I want to start 0:02:58.800 --> 0:03:02.679 addressing these issues in these challenges because I know they're 0:03:02.760 --> 0:03:06.000 very real and often as society we like to gloss 0:03:06.040 --> 0:03:09.080 over them and move on, but then we don't feel seen, 0:03:09.320 --> 0:03:12.600 heard and understood. And so today I want to talk 0:03:12.639 --> 0:03:17.119 about reasons why we lose the spark in relationships and 0:03:17.200 --> 0:03:20.440 how to get it back. Raise your hand if you've 0:03:20.520 --> 0:03:24.200 ever lost this spark in a relationship, and by the way, 0:03:24.480 --> 0:03:26.880 this episode is for you, whether you're in a relationship 0:03:27.000 --> 0:03:29.440 or not, because I promise you you're going to bump 0:03:29.480 --> 0:03:31.640 into someone, You're going to find that spark, you're gonna 0:03:31.639 --> 0:03:34.160 feel that chemistry, and then you're going to be feeling 0:03:34.200 --> 0:03:38.360 this way in six months time. It's actually biologically chemically 0:03:38.440 --> 0:03:42.000 going to happen, I'll explain in this episode, and I 0:03:42.080 --> 0:03:43.960 want you to stick around for that. But raise your 0:03:44.000 --> 0:03:47.480 hands if you've ever lost the spark in a relationship, 0:03:48.000 --> 0:03:51.440 I think every single one of us can attest to that. 0:03:52.000 --> 0:03:54.560 And today I'm going to talk about the reasons why 0:03:54.560 --> 0:03:56.480 that happens, and I think some of them are actually 0:03:56.560 --> 0:03:59.400 going to surprise you. And then I'm also going to 0:03:59.400 --> 0:04:02.160 share with you methods that I've used that I could 0:04:02.240 --> 0:04:06.600 rather have used, and that research shows will actually work. 0:04:06.920 --> 0:04:09.520 Whether you're in a relationship, whether you just started dating, 0:04:09.560 --> 0:04:12.800 whether you're single, or you just broke up. Please do 0:04:13.000 --> 0:04:15.080 listen to this because it may even answer your questions. 0:04:15.120 --> 0:04:18.440 If you're someone who just broke up or the relationship 0:04:18.520 --> 0:04:21.640 just ended, this may actually answer a lot of questions, 0:04:21.920 --> 0:04:24.840 especially if you didn't get closure. All right, so let's 0:04:24.920 --> 0:04:30.800 dive straight in. We are fascinated and addicted to this 0:04:30.920 --> 0:04:35.000 idea of chemistry the amount of times they're here. So 0:04:35.200 --> 0:04:36.960 we went on a couple of dates but I didn't 0:04:37.000 --> 0:04:39.840 feel any spark, or I'm not going on a second 0:04:39.920 --> 0:04:43.640 date because I didn't feel any chemistry, or we've been 0:04:43.640 --> 0:04:46.760 seeing each other, but you know, there isn't that feeling. 0:04:46.800 --> 0:04:49.320 I don't get the butterflies, right, We've all heard this, 0:04:49.360 --> 0:04:51.919 We've all said this, and it's true. We want to 0:04:51.960 --> 0:04:56.000 feel chemistry with the person we potentially could spend our 0:04:56.040 --> 0:04:58.520 lives with. There's nothing wrong with that, And I don't 0:04:58.560 --> 0:05:01.200 want to say that is anything wrong with that. I 0:05:01.200 --> 0:05:03.800 think it's normal. It's natural. When I first met rather, 0:05:04.520 --> 0:05:08.880 I felt tons of chemistry, and even today I feel 0:05:08.880 --> 0:05:12.400 it in a different way. And it's something that I 0:05:12.560 --> 0:05:17.599 don't think should be underestimated. But also sometimes it's overrated, right. 0:05:17.640 --> 0:05:23.520 It's that balance between underestimated or underrated and overrated that 0:05:23.560 --> 0:05:26.159 we need to get right. And so so many of 0:05:26.279 --> 0:05:34.839 us sometimes overrate this chemistry idea and we underrate the 0:05:35.160 --> 0:05:44.039 character idea. Chemistry starts relationships, character continues relationships. Let me 0:05:44.080 --> 0:05:51.479 repeat that again. Chemistry starts relationships, character continues and keeps relationships. 0:05:52.000 --> 0:05:55.320 And I think this idea that someone's character and your 0:05:55.480 --> 0:05:59.719 character is really shown by when you're stressed, when you're tired, 0:05:59.760 --> 0:06:03.920 when you're exhausted, and that's what happens as a relationship progresses. 0:06:04.240 --> 0:06:07.000 When you're seeing each other in the beginning. The reason 0:06:07.040 --> 0:06:09.000 why there's so much chemistry is you only see each 0:06:09.000 --> 0:06:11.600 other one hour a day, or two hours a week, 0:06:12.200 --> 0:06:14.680 or two hours every two weeks, or whatever it may be. 0:06:14.720 --> 0:06:17.479 For a day every month, and in that time, you're 0:06:17.480 --> 0:06:21.719 not really seeing a three sixty degree view of this person. 0:06:22.200 --> 0:06:25.880 You're seeing a forty five degree view or less of 0:06:25.920 --> 0:06:29.159 an individual. We're so much more complex, we have so 0:06:29.240 --> 0:06:33.080 much more going on, and our character traits, such as 0:06:33.080 --> 0:06:36.279 our interests and our values are more of the nurture 0:06:36.400 --> 0:06:39.520 part of who we are and come from the cultural 0:06:39.600 --> 0:06:42.919 forces that surround us as we grow up. So what 0:06:42.960 --> 0:06:44.960 I would say is that in any relationship, we have 0:06:45.080 --> 0:06:50.520 to evolve from chemistry to character if we really want 0:06:50.560 --> 0:06:53.839 the relationship to progress. And I think too many of 0:06:53.920 --> 0:06:57.800 us keep placing too much emphasis on chemistry for too long. 0:06:58.200 --> 0:07:02.560 It's kind of like saying, I really enjoy driving in 0:07:02.920 --> 0:07:06.760 gear five, and so even when I'm going up a hill, 0:07:06.920 --> 0:07:09.960 I'm going to try and drive up in gear five. Right. 0:07:10.000 --> 0:07:11.920 I just want that feeling. I just want to hear 0:07:11.960 --> 0:07:14.680 the sound of the car. I just want to feel 0:07:15.280 --> 0:07:17.400 that experience. Now, some of you may have actually tried 0:07:17.440 --> 0:07:20.720 to do this, if you've ever tried to drive a 0:07:20.720 --> 0:07:23.440 car in gear five, And now everyone's like, what's gears 0:07:23.440 --> 0:07:25.640 do we just have for automatic cars or electric cars? 0:07:25.720 --> 0:07:28.160 Very true, I get it, but I remember driving a 0:07:28.240 --> 0:07:31.000 manual car, and the idea of just driving a manual 0:07:31.040 --> 0:07:33.400 car up a hill in gear five just doesn't make 0:07:33.440 --> 0:07:36.320 any sense. But that's what we're trying to do in relationships. 0:07:36.400 --> 0:07:38.200 I will come back to you with a better analogy 0:07:38.240 --> 0:07:40.840 that is more relevant right now, but we will get there. 0:07:41.000 --> 0:07:42.679 I also want to talk about I want to highlight 0:07:42.800 --> 0:07:45.400 a particular experience where this happens. So this happens in 0:07:45.440 --> 0:07:50.560 many different ways. How we overrate chemistry and underrate character. 0:07:50.960 --> 0:07:53.160 But I want to give a very specific example and 0:07:53.280 --> 0:07:56.440 a study on this. And it's all about the bad 0:07:56.520 --> 0:07:59.560 boy and biology or the biology of the bad boy. Now, 0:07:59.560 --> 0:08:03.080 how many of you have ever been attracted to the 0:08:03.320 --> 0:08:05.680 bad guy? Right, the bad boy? How many of you 0:08:05.720 --> 0:08:08.880 have ever been be honest, be honest, do not be ashamed, 0:08:09.480 --> 0:08:12.560 do not feel embarrassed? Right? And how many of you 0:08:12.600 --> 0:08:14.560 have ever been attracted to the bad person or the 0:08:14.560 --> 0:08:17.400 bad girl, like someone who kind of is a rebel, 0:08:17.640 --> 0:08:21.760 kind of has that edge. Right's super attractive. And certainly 0:08:21.960 --> 0:08:24.720 there are bad boys and bad girls out there, and 0:08:24.800 --> 0:08:28.480 the bad boy type is far more common because men 0:08:28.600 --> 0:08:33.840 tend to demonstrate what psychologists call the dark triad of 0:08:34.000 --> 0:08:38.280 characteristics more often. No No, everyone's like, ooh, what's the 0:08:38.400 --> 0:08:45.319 dark triad? So the dark triad of characteristics are narcissism, psychopathy, 0:08:45.760 --> 0:08:48.880 and this last one is the manipulativeness and an extreme 0:08:48.920 --> 0:08:52.560 focus on their own interests over others. Now, when we 0:08:52.600 --> 0:08:56.360 look at them clinically, these traits don't sound at all attractive, right, 0:08:56.400 --> 0:08:59.200 I mean, you're not going that's what I want? But 0:08:59.320 --> 0:09:03.400 are you? When we look at that clinically, even though 0:09:03.440 --> 0:09:07.280 it doesn't seem attractive, in the real world, they can 0:09:07.320 --> 0:09:11.439 be quite alluring. Now. Gregory Lewis Carter of the University 0:09:11.440 --> 0:09:14.520 of Durham and his team gave one hundred and twenty 0:09:14.559 --> 0:09:18.839 eight undergraduate women descriptions of two types of men, what 0:09:18.880 --> 0:09:22.040 we'd call regular guys who served as the controls for 0:09:22.080 --> 0:09:25.480 the study, and bad boys. The bad boys were described 0:09:25.600 --> 0:09:31.080 using traits from an inventory of characteristics typically associated with narcissism, 0:09:31.360 --> 0:09:35.200 such as a desire for attention and admiration, a lack 0:09:35.200 --> 0:09:39.600 of remorse or sensitivity, lack of concern with moral standards, 0:09:39.800 --> 0:09:43.760 and cynicism. The researchers then asked the women to rate 0:09:43.840 --> 0:09:48.880 the attractiveness of the men based on these descriptions, and 0:09:49.360 --> 0:09:52.480 you guessed it. Bad Boys came out on top. The 0:09:52.600 --> 0:09:56.240 researchers concluded that two issues may be at play in 0:09:56.280 --> 0:10:00.800 the women's choices. For one, biology, the bad boys had 0:10:00.800 --> 0:10:04.480 traits that women could have interpreted would make them stronger 0:10:04.520 --> 0:10:09.160 genetically and therefore better mates for reproducing. But on a 0:10:09.200 --> 0:10:11.840 more everyday level, it could have been down to the 0:10:11.880 --> 0:10:16.480 bad boys ability to sell themselves. Remember among the dark 0:10:16.559 --> 0:10:22.439 triad our characteristics of manipulation and ability to represent themselves favorably. 0:10:22.760 --> 0:10:25.200 So the reason why I'm sharing that with you and 0:10:25.320 --> 0:10:28.720 why we lose the spark is because we're attracted to 0:10:28.720 --> 0:10:31.640 the wrong person in the first place. Right, So what 0:10:31.720 --> 0:10:33.960 ends up happening is we get attracted to the wrong person. 0:10:34.280 --> 0:10:37.960 We then start to see the reality of that individual. 0:10:38.320 --> 0:10:41.480 And after we see the reality, we have to readjust 0:10:41.520 --> 0:10:43.640 And I want to break down those three steps. Right, 0:10:44.160 --> 0:10:48.000 It's natural to make the wrong decision to be attracted 0:10:48.000 --> 0:10:51.800 to the wrong thing, then see reality. And the biggest 0:10:51.800 --> 0:10:56.600 mistake we do is often it's glaringly obvious that this 0:10:56.640 --> 0:10:59.880 person is obviously wrong for us, and we keep trying 0:10:59.920 --> 0:11:02.320 to readjust to stay the best thing we can do 0:11:02.360 --> 0:11:06.000 in that moment when we've really learned about the reality 0:11:06.000 --> 0:11:08.880 and if it's fully that extreme is to move on. 0:11:09.320 --> 0:11:12.880 So the first lesson of today, the first reason is 0:11:12.880 --> 0:11:18.040 this idea of how we have to transition from chemistry 0:11:18.080 --> 0:11:21.400 to character. Right, chemistry to characters one of the biggest 0:11:21.440 --> 0:11:25.800 reasons why relationships end. Now, I want to talk to 0:11:25.840 --> 0:11:31.480 you about how this changes biologically. Right, So let's dive 0:11:31.520 --> 0:11:33.720 into a study about love at first sight. According to 0:11:33.760 --> 0:11:36.840 a study in the Journal for the International Association for 0:11:36.960 --> 0:11:41.680 Relationship Research, that's a mouthful, Participants who reported having had 0:11:41.920 --> 0:11:45.520 love at first sight experience were also more likely to 0:11:45.640 --> 0:11:51.560 emphasize the importance of physical attractiveness over concepts associated with 0:11:51.679 --> 0:11:56.160 true love, such as intimacy and commitment. Notice how we're 0:11:56.280 --> 0:11:59.600 constantly led astray now. Studies show that when we're younger, 0:12:00.120 --> 0:12:04.200 our prefrontal cortex is less developed, so we're more likely 0:12:04.280 --> 0:12:08.440 to follow our feelings as opposed to reasoning in self control. 0:12:08.600 --> 0:12:12.680 That's why, Actually, which is so fascinating. Don't you feel 0:12:12.679 --> 0:12:14.840 like you felt more chemistry when you were younger? Like, 0:12:14.880 --> 0:12:17.760 don't you feel you just felt more naturally attracted to 0:12:17.760 --> 0:12:19.560 people when you were younger, even when you didn't go 0:12:19.559 --> 0:12:21.760 on a date, whereas now, as an adult, you go 0:12:21.840 --> 0:12:24.760 on so many dates and you don't feel anything. And 0:12:25.200 --> 0:12:28.880 the reason is because now your brain is developed and 0:12:29.200 --> 0:12:32.960 your reasoning and your self control is so high that 0:12:33.040 --> 0:12:37.040 you're actually able to be more discerning. Now, the reason 0:12:37.040 --> 0:12:40.520 why I'm talking about this is that, as the researchers wrote, 0:12:40.679 --> 0:12:43.800 we therefore suggest that at first sight is not a 0:12:43.840 --> 0:12:47.800 distinct form of love, but rather a strong initial attraction 0:12:48.240 --> 0:12:51.280 that some labelers love at first sight, either in the 0:12:51.320 --> 0:12:54.080 moment or retrospective. Now, when I talk about me and 0:12:54.160 --> 0:12:58.400 RADI it was definitely attraction at first sight. Rady did 0:12:58.480 --> 0:13:01.480 not care. If you ask Grady, she would say, yeah, 0:13:01.480 --> 0:13:03.880 I didn't even notice him. I noticed her for sure, right, 0:13:03.920 --> 0:13:08.079 Just to clarify how deceiving it can be. Now. Hedonic 0:13:08.200 --> 0:13:13.200 adaptation is a psychological concept that describes why. For instance, 0:13:13.440 --> 0:13:16.720 studies show that while happiness spikes in the first two 0:13:16.800 --> 0:13:18.880 years of marriage, this could be a two years of 0:13:18.920 --> 0:13:23.800 living together then returns to prior levels. Researchers call this 0:13:23.880 --> 0:13:28.520 early stage of love passionate love. Over time, if love lasts, 0:13:29.000 --> 0:13:33.160 it tends to morph into something still beautiful, but less 0:13:33.360 --> 0:13:38.160 charged by the exciting and sometimes stressful dopamine spikes that 0:13:38.240 --> 0:13:41.559 accompany newness. Now, this is really interesting. When something's new, 0:13:42.040 --> 0:13:46.520 you experience stress and excitement at the same time. So 0:13:46.559 --> 0:13:51.200 the excitement is they gave me their number, distresses, will 0:13:51.240 --> 0:13:54.959 they text me? The excitement is, oh, my gosh, we're 0:13:55.000 --> 0:13:58.760 going on our first date. Distresses do they like me? Right? 0:13:58.760 --> 0:14:02.880 So you're going through this is pendulum of excitement and stress, 0:14:02.920 --> 0:14:05.680 excitement and stress, excitement and stress, and that's what makes 0:14:05.720 --> 0:14:10.000 you feel like you have a spark. Biologically chemically, Now, 0:14:10.360 --> 0:14:13.960 over time, if love lasts, it tends to morph into 0:14:14.000 --> 0:14:18.880 something still beautiful, but less charged by that excitement and stress. 0:14:18.920 --> 0:14:23.320 This later state is called compassionate love and is characterized 0:14:23.360 --> 0:14:28.520 by deep connection. So when something becomes routine or consistently available, 0:14:28.640 --> 0:14:31.760 it naturally lose its spark. Right when someone when you 0:14:31.800 --> 0:14:33.720 have to kind of guess when you're going to see someone, 0:14:33.760 --> 0:14:37.960 when you're going to surprise each other, naturally that a spark. Now, 0:14:38.000 --> 0:14:41.840 though our brains can and do adapt to anything that's routine, 0:14:42.040 --> 0:14:46.040 arousal and physical passion tended to be affected more when 0:14:46.040 --> 0:14:49.400 these things fade. Much of love's heavy lifting is done 0:14:49.440 --> 0:14:53.440 by our deeper attraction, that of our character and values 0:14:53.720 --> 0:14:56.640 and how well they are suited to one another. If 0:14:56.680 --> 0:14:59.480 we never looked beyond the spark, when the initial chemistry 0:14:59.520 --> 0:15:04.160 begins to fade, the relationship fizzles. Right. So I want 0:15:04.160 --> 0:15:09.360 to keep emphasizing the power of goals, values, a deeper 0:15:09.440 --> 0:15:13.080 understanding of the human being. And by the way, if 0:15:13.160 --> 0:15:15.840 reality surprised you and you don't want reality, that is 0:15:15.920 --> 0:15:18.480 absolutely fine too. You don't have to keep putting yourself 0:15:18.520 --> 0:15:21.160 in a position you don't want to be in. So 0:15:21.360 --> 0:15:25.320 that's a big reason, right, That's a really really big 0:15:25.360 --> 0:15:28.920 reason as to why the spark goes away. Because we've 0:15:28.920 --> 0:15:32.440 talked about the idea that you know, we're attracted to 0:15:32.440 --> 0:15:35.560 the wrong thing in the first place. We're not switching 0:15:35.600 --> 0:15:39.320 from chemistry to character. And if we don't the chemistry, 0:15:39.320 --> 0:15:42.840 you have to understand that's biology. It's literally changing, right. 0:15:42.960 --> 0:15:47.320 Our hormones are changing, The chemicals that are released are changing. 0:15:47.440 --> 0:15:49.960 As you spend more time, you become more comfortable with 0:15:49.960 --> 0:15:53.800 with them, you become more natural with them. Now, this 0:15:53.840 --> 0:15:56.560 one's a really really big one. This next one, I 0:15:56.600 --> 0:16:00.320 think it's something that again we don't talk about enough. 0:16:01.040 --> 0:16:03.600 I find that it's fascinating that at the beginning of 0:16:03.600 --> 0:16:07.680 a relationship you want to win the other person over. 0:16:08.320 --> 0:16:12.080 But then fast forward into the relationship, you want them 0:16:12.080 --> 0:16:15.880 to lose in an argument. Right, You spend the whole 0:16:16.480 --> 0:16:19.840 first few months trying to win the other person over, 0:16:20.720 --> 0:16:23.360 and now all you want to do is beat them 0:16:23.400 --> 0:16:26.440 in an argument. Notice how you went from winning them 0:16:26.440 --> 0:16:31.000 over to wanting them to lose. Now that's the challenge 0:16:31.400 --> 0:16:35.720 that the relationship now goes from being a collaboration to 0:16:35.880 --> 0:16:40.920 a competition. Right, it goes from being a collaboration to 0:16:41.360 --> 0:16:47.360 a competition. And that's where relationship starts to disintegrate, it 0:16:47.400 --> 0:16:50.800 starts to break down, it starts to fall apart. So 0:16:51.160 --> 0:16:54.200 this is fascinating to me because you went from having 0:16:54.200 --> 0:17:00.120 a collaborative, exciting, chemistry based, compatible connection and now all 0:17:00.120 --> 0:17:02.400 of a sudden, it became a competition. Right, it became 0:17:02.440 --> 0:17:06.840 a competition. And listen to this author and Leary met 0:17:06.880 --> 0:17:09.240 her husband when she was twenty and he was twenty five. 0:17:09.640 --> 0:17:14.360 They were perfect together. They had similar attributes and psychological makeup. 0:17:14.680 --> 0:17:19.120 They were both intensely competitive, both emotional and sensitive. They 0:17:19.200 --> 0:17:22.320 loved kids and animals. They even looked similar to one another. 0:17:22.840 --> 0:17:26.480 But as Leary writes, when the couple had kids, their 0:17:26.560 --> 0:17:31.560 matching attitudes and temperaments started to cause problems. They began 0:17:31.600 --> 0:17:35.359 to keep scool, noting who each thought was doing more 0:17:35.720 --> 0:17:38.880 to contribute to the family and who was being more 0:17:38.920 --> 0:17:43.760 critical and self serving. After years of this, they sought therapy, 0:17:44.080 --> 0:17:47.120 but one evening, while sitting in the marriage counselor's office, 0:17:47.480 --> 0:17:51.359 they simply agreed it just wasn't going to work and 0:17:51.400 --> 0:17:54.600 they should get a divorce. On the way home, they 0:17:54.640 --> 0:17:57.720 stopped for a bite to eat, during which Anne decided 0:17:57.760 --> 0:18:01.320 to finally tell her husband everything she'd been holding back 0:18:01.840 --> 0:18:04.639 every time he'd failed in our eyes or led her down. 0:18:05.119 --> 0:18:10.119 To her surprise, instead of pushing back and arguing, he apologized. 0:18:10.520 --> 0:18:14.560 Shocked at his response and softened, then confessed everything she 0:18:14.680 --> 0:18:18.200 was sorry for two, Instead of discussing the divorce, they 0:18:18.240 --> 0:18:21.160 called their apartment and asked their kids if they wanted 0:18:21.160 --> 0:18:23.600 to see a movie together as a family. They never 0:18:23.640 --> 0:18:26.000 did file for divorce, and instead learned to shift the 0:18:26.080 --> 0:18:29.679 dynamics of their relationship. Their competition is now more of 0:18:29.720 --> 0:18:33.880 a friendly rivalry, and instead of being critical, they've learned 0:18:33.880 --> 0:18:38.240 to celebrate one another success. Now, notice how those two 0:18:38.320 --> 0:18:42.000 trajectories right, You're going down this road of chemistry hopefully 0:18:42.000 --> 0:18:44.639 you find compatibility, and then you have this split point. 0:18:45.160 --> 0:18:50.760 You either choose competition or you choose connection. Competition leads 0:18:50.760 --> 0:18:57.280 to complaining, criticism comparison, and you know, connection leads to 0:18:57.320 --> 0:18:59.399 all the great stuff that we're really looking for. And 0:18:59.440 --> 0:19:03.439 so everyone that that fork in their relationship always right 0:19:03.480 --> 0:19:05.520 and you have to decide whether you're choosing to compete 0:19:05.560 --> 0:19:09.600 with this person or you're choosing to compete on who 0:19:09.640 --> 0:19:12.600 can love each other more deeply. And so that's another 0:19:12.640 --> 0:19:15.159 reason why relationships fizz all out, is that we choose 0:19:15.160 --> 0:19:19.919 competition over collaboration. We choose competition over connection, We choose 0:19:20.240 --> 0:19:25.800 comparison over care and compassion. And I think if we 0:19:25.960 --> 0:19:28.679 can really think about our life as we're always choosing 0:19:28.720 --> 0:19:31.080 between those two. When you're next in an argument, ask yourself, 0:19:31.160 --> 0:19:33.240 am I competing with the person I tried to win 0:19:33.320 --> 0:19:36.000 over because that doesn't make any sense? Or do I 0:19:36.000 --> 0:19:38.600 want to collaborate with them? Literally ask yourself that question. 0:19:39.200 --> 0:19:42.040 So I hope this is really being illuminating for you, 0:19:43.000 --> 0:19:46.520 and I want to talk to you about where we 0:19:46.560 --> 0:19:49.359 can go right, how we can improve this right for ourselves, 0:19:49.400 --> 0:19:51.160 Like what are some of the things that we can 0:19:51.200 --> 0:19:54.240 do So I looked at some research as to what 0:19:54.400 --> 0:19:58.159 makes a marriage good after the honeymoon, and this applies 0:19:58.200 --> 0:20:00.560 to what makes a relationship good after the honey moon phase. 0:20:01.160 --> 0:20:05.800 And to answer this question, anthropologist Helen Fisher did some 0:20:05.840 --> 0:20:08.879 great research. The team found a group of unicorns, not 0:20:09.000 --> 0:20:11.560 real unicorns, but people who had been married for an 0:20:11.560 --> 0:20:15.159 average of twenty one point four years and reported they 0:20:15.160 --> 0:20:18.880 were still very much in love. They scanned their brains 0:20:19.160 --> 0:20:23.160 while these people looked at pictures of a familiar acquaintance, 0:20:23.400 --> 0:20:26.000 a close long term friend, and acquaintance with whom they 0:20:26.000 --> 0:20:29.600 were less familiar, and their partner, unlike when they looked 0:20:29.600 --> 0:20:31.439 at photos of others. When they looked at pictures of 0:20:31.440 --> 0:20:34.520 their partners, they showed activities in areas of the brain 0:20:34.880 --> 0:20:39.160 that are associated with all three of our basic human drives. 0:20:39.520 --> 0:20:43.040 The sex drive, our drive for romantic passion, yes that's 0:20:43.040 --> 0:20:47.679 an actual drive, and our drive to feel attachment. Now attachment, 0:20:47.840 --> 0:20:51.159 what research is call liking, can form the basis for 0:20:51.240 --> 0:20:54.600 a happy long term relationships. It's almost that idea of like, 0:20:55.040 --> 0:20:57.160 you say you love someone, but do you like them? 0:20:57.680 --> 0:20:59.520 I had someone say this to me. I was officiating 0:20:59.520 --> 0:21:01.399 a wedding a couple of years ago, and this person 0:21:01.440 --> 0:21:04.120 came up to me and they said, jay, I broke 0:21:04.160 --> 0:21:06.120 up with someone because we realized we loved each other, 0:21:06.119 --> 0:21:08.720 but we didn't like each other. And I thought that 0:21:08.760 --> 0:21:13.959 was such a fascinating statement, because you think love encompasses everything, 0:21:14.600 --> 0:21:18.120 but liking someone means you actually like being around them. 0:21:18.160 --> 0:21:20.960 Love means you care about them. You may have deep 0:21:21.080 --> 0:21:24.080 feelings towards them, but you don't like them, you don't 0:21:24.080 --> 0:21:26.919 get along with them. So when the researchers compared the 0:21:26.960 --> 0:21:30.840 results to brain activity in those who are experiencing early 0:21:30.920 --> 0:21:34.640 stage love, the newly and Love showed activity pretty much 0:21:34.880 --> 0:21:40.960 entirely in wanting areas associated with dopamine fueled passionate love. 0:21:41.000 --> 0:21:44.080 So you can see it's very, very different. The researchers said, 0:21:44.160 --> 0:21:46.639 for someone they look at their partner, it looks almost 0:21:46.680 --> 0:21:48.960 as if their brain is on fire, and in a 0:21:49.000 --> 0:21:52.160 way it is. We can still experience intense love many 0:21:52.240 --> 0:21:56.080 years into marriage, but in these later years what fuels 0:21:56.200 --> 0:21:59.119 love changes. You can think one of the early stage 0:21:59.240 --> 0:22:03.360 of relationship and all of that initial passion like gasoline. 0:22:03.440 --> 0:22:06.359 It will burn hot and fast when it ignites, but 0:22:06.400 --> 0:22:09.399 it's not sustainable. When we connect on a deeper level. 0:22:09.440 --> 0:22:12.520 When we listen fully to one another, when we hold 0:22:12.560 --> 0:22:15.800 hands or share long hugs, we're putting wood on the fire, 0:22:15.960 --> 0:22:19.199 and over time we get the enduring warmth of a 0:22:19.280 --> 0:22:22.840 long lasting relationship. And what we understand from the Gottman 0:22:22.920 --> 0:22:26.440 Institute is that rather than creating a climate of disagreement 0:22:26.520 --> 0:22:32.399 and resistance, couples embrace each other's needs. Right, it's the 0:22:32.480 --> 0:22:36.440 idea of do I make my partner feel seen, heard 0:22:36.600 --> 0:22:41.320 and understood? And do I feel seen, heard and understood? 0:22:41.440 --> 0:22:44.680 And are we making enough time to feel seen, heard 0:22:44.720 --> 0:22:48.320 and understood. And I think too many people we feel 0:22:48.359 --> 0:22:51.439 that I already heard my partner, I've already seen them, 0:22:51.480 --> 0:22:54.200 I already know them. Right, there's this assumption of I've 0:22:54.200 --> 0:22:58.080 already figured them out, I already fully understand them, and 0:22:58.119 --> 0:23:01.200 that actually blocks us. And that's why the spark goes away, 0:23:01.320 --> 0:23:04.919 because now we're only looking at old things about our partner. 0:23:04.960 --> 0:23:07.920 We're not learning about the new things. I want to 0:23:07.920 --> 0:23:09.520 go a bit deeper with you all if I can. 0:23:10.200 --> 0:23:13.679 One of the reasons why relationships and chemistry fade and 0:23:13.720 --> 0:23:16.480 what we can do about them, is that we don't 0:23:16.520 --> 0:23:21.440 realize that relationships are not just for pleasure, but therefore 0:23:21.560 --> 0:23:25.760 reaching our truest potential. Your partner is going to push you, 0:23:26.280 --> 0:23:29.480 challenge you in ways that no one else ever has, 0:23:30.320 --> 0:23:32.280 and actually it could bring out the best out of 0:23:32.320 --> 0:23:35.640 you if you're willing to let it come out. And 0:23:35.720 --> 0:23:38.640 I think too many of us are scared of letting 0:23:38.680 --> 0:23:41.040 it come out because of our ego. We don't want 0:23:41.040 --> 0:23:42.840 our partner to challenge us. Now, I'm not saying that 0:23:42.840 --> 0:23:45.720 your partners should criticize you or compare you to other people. 0:23:45.760 --> 0:23:49.800 That's not healthy. But our partner can challenge us in 0:23:49.840 --> 0:23:52.639 so many other ways and challenge our ego in so 0:23:52.760 --> 0:23:55.480 many other ways. And so there's a lot of growth 0:23:55.520 --> 0:24:01.760 to be had. And there's a beautiful statement from relationship 0:24:01.800 --> 0:24:05.080 counselor and form a monk as well, Thomas Moore. He 0:24:05.119 --> 0:24:08.479 writes in his book Soulmates, relationships are not meant to 0:24:08.520 --> 0:24:12.880 provide us with unending happiness. When we focus our attention 0:24:12.880 --> 0:24:15.840 on the soul of the relationship instead of on its 0:24:15.880 --> 0:24:20.600 interpersonal mechanics, a different set of values come to the foreground. 0:24:21.160 --> 0:24:23.679