1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:05,000 Speaker 1: Men tend to demonstrate what psychologists call the dark triad 2 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:08,840 Speaker 1: of characteristics more often no, no, Everyone's like, WHOA, what's 3 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:15,040 Speaker 1: the dark triad? So the dark triad of characteristics are narcissism, psychopathy, 4 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:18,320 Speaker 1: and this last one is the manipulativeness and an extreme 5 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:22,599 Speaker 1: focus on their own interests over others. These traits don't 6 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:24,840 Speaker 1: sound at all attractive, right, I mean, you're not going 7 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:34,479 Speaker 1: that's what I want? But are you? Hey? Everyone, welcome 8 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:37,960 Speaker 1: back to our Purpose, the number one health podcast in 9 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:41,120 Speaker 1: the world, where you come back every week to become 10 00:00:41,159 --> 00:00:45,440 Speaker 1: a happier, healthier and more healed. Imagine we lived in 11 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:48,279 Speaker 1: a world that was happier, healthier, and more healed. I 12 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:50,839 Speaker 1: think that it would have such a huge impact on 13 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:57,280 Speaker 1: our lives or emotions, the lives and emotions of future generations, 14 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 1: and on purposes. Your commitment to making that happen. So 15 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,960 Speaker 1: thank you for being here. Thank you for all the 16 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:06,400 Speaker 1: love on the Lewis Hamilton episode, on the Kevin Hart 17 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:08,959 Speaker 1: episode that we just had. For those of you that 18 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:12,000 Speaker 1: heard me on Call Her Daddy. Thank you so much 19 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:17,479 Speaker 1: for all the Instagram, dms, the tags, the tweets. It 20 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:21,520 Speaker 1: has been an unbelievable couple of weeks because my book. 21 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,520 Speaker 1: If you're listening to this right now, my book is 22 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 1: out in four days. I would love for you to 23 00:01:28,319 --> 00:01:31,640 Speaker 1: order it right now because if you preorder it before 24 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:35,720 Speaker 1: the thirty first of January, you get my eight Cliches 25 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:39,320 Speaker 1: of Love workshop absolutely free. I want you to go 26 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,200 Speaker 1: grab that right now, and it really supports authors when 27 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:46,279 Speaker 1: you preorder, so go to eight Rules of Love dot com. 28 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:48,880 Speaker 1: You can do the audiobook. So if you want to 29 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,280 Speaker 1: listen to the book instead of read it, you can 30 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:54,760 Speaker 1: also order the audiobook. I read it as well, and 31 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,280 Speaker 1: I know a lot of you last time for think 32 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:59,200 Speaker 1: like a monk, read and listened. At the same time, 33 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 1: I'd love to invite you to come and see me 34 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:06,280 Speaker 1: for my global tour Love Rules. Go to j shettytour 35 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:10,920 Speaker 1: dot com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences 36 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,239 Speaker 1: and more. I can't wait to see you this year now. 37 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:19,480 Speaker 1: Today's episode is something I think that's so so important, 38 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,680 Speaker 1: and I'm hearing about it more and more because I 39 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:27,320 Speaker 1: think we underestimate the impact that the last few years 40 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:33,680 Speaker 1: have had on our relationships. We underestimate the impact that 41 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:38,200 Speaker 1: it's had on us, whether we're inner relationship or whether 42 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,480 Speaker 1: we're single, and for a lot of us, our relationship 43 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:44,720 Speaker 1: status changed during the pandemic. Some people got into new 44 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:48,280 Speaker 1: relationships so we're just starting. Some people actually broke up 45 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:51,640 Speaker 1: from even long term relationships. And then there's all of 46 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:55,560 Speaker 1: us who may feel social anxiety now being out in 47 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:58,760 Speaker 1: public meeting new people. And so I want to start 48 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:02,679 Speaker 1: addressing these issues in these challenges because I know they're 49 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:06,000 Speaker 1: very real and often as society we like to gloss 50 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:09,080 Speaker 1: over them and move on, but then we don't feel seen, 51 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:12,600 Speaker 1: heard and understood. And so today I want to talk 52 00:03:12,639 --> 00:03:17,119 Speaker 1: about reasons why we lose the spark in relationships and 53 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:20,440 Speaker 1: how to get it back. Raise your hand if you've 54 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:24,200 Speaker 1: ever lost this spark in a relationship, and by the way, 55 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:26,880 Speaker 1: this episode is for you, whether you're in a relationship 56 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,440 Speaker 1: or not, because I promise you you're going to bump 57 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,640 Speaker 1: into someone, You're going to find that spark, you're gonna 58 00:03:31,639 --> 00:03:34,160 Speaker 1: feel that chemistry, and then you're going to be feeling 59 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:38,360 Speaker 1: this way in six months time. It's actually biologically chemically 60 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:42,000 Speaker 1: going to happen, I'll explain in this episode, and I 61 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,960 Speaker 1: want you to stick around for that. But raise your 62 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,480 Speaker 1: hands if you've ever lost the spark in a relationship, 63 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:51,440 Speaker 1: I think every single one of us can attest to that. 64 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,560 Speaker 1: And today I'm going to talk about the reasons why 65 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:56,480 Speaker 1: that happens, and I think some of them are actually 66 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,400 Speaker 1: going to surprise you. And then I'm also going to 67 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:02,160 Speaker 1: share with you methods that I've used that I could 68 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:06,600 Speaker 1: rather have used, and that research shows will actually work. 69 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,520 Speaker 1: Whether you're in a relationship, whether you just started dating, 70 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,800 Speaker 1: whether you're single, or you just broke up. Please do 71 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,080 Speaker 1: listen to this because it may even answer your questions. 72 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:18,440 Speaker 1: If you're someone who just broke up or the relationship 73 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:21,640 Speaker 1: just ended, this may actually answer a lot of questions, 74 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,840 Speaker 1: especially if you didn't get closure. All right, so let's 75 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:30,800 Speaker 1: dive straight in. We are fascinated and addicted to this 76 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:35,000 Speaker 1: idea of chemistry the amount of times they're here. So 77 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:36,960 Speaker 1: we went on a couple of dates but I didn't 78 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,840 Speaker 1: feel any spark, or I'm not going on a second 79 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:43,640 Speaker 1: date because I didn't feel any chemistry, or we've been 80 00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:46,760 Speaker 1: seeing each other, but you know, there isn't that feeling. 81 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,320 Speaker 1: I don't get the butterflies, right, We've all heard this, 82 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:51,919 Speaker 1: We've all said this, and it's true. We want to 83 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:56,000 Speaker 1: feel chemistry with the person we potentially could spend our 84 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:58,520 Speaker 1: lives with. There's nothing wrong with that, And I don't 85 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:01,200 Speaker 1: want to say that is anything wrong with that. I 86 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,800 Speaker 1: think it's normal. It's natural. When I first met rather, 87 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:08,880 Speaker 1: I felt tons of chemistry, and even today I feel 88 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:12,400 Speaker 1: it in a different way. And it's something that I 89 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:17,599 Speaker 1: don't think should be underestimated. But also sometimes it's overrated, right. 90 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:23,520 Speaker 1: It's that balance between underestimated or underrated and overrated that 91 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:26,159 Speaker 1: we need to get right. And so so many of 92 00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:34,839 Speaker 1: us sometimes overrate this chemistry idea and we underrate the 93 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:44,039 Speaker 1: character idea. Chemistry starts relationships, character continues relationships. Let me 94 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:51,479 Speaker 1: repeat that again. Chemistry starts relationships, character continues and keeps relationships. 95 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,320 Speaker 1: And I think this idea that someone's character and your 96 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:59,719 Speaker 1: character is really shown by when you're stressed, when you're tired, 97 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:03,920 Speaker 1: when you're exhausted, and that's what happens as a relationship progresses. 98 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:07,000 Speaker 1: When you're seeing each other in the beginning. The reason 99 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:09,000 Speaker 1: why there's so much chemistry is you only see each 100 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,600 Speaker 1: other one hour a day, or two hours a week, 101 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,680 Speaker 1: or two hours every two weeks, or whatever it may be. 102 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,479 Speaker 1: For a day every month, and in that time, you're 103 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:21,719 Speaker 1: not really seeing a three sixty degree view of this person. 104 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:25,880 Speaker 1: You're seeing a forty five degree view or less of 105 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:29,159 Speaker 1: an individual. We're so much more complex, we have so 106 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:33,080 Speaker 1: much more going on, and our character traits, such as 107 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:36,279 Speaker 1: our interests and our values are more of the nurture 108 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,520 Speaker 1: part of who we are and come from the cultural 109 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,919 Speaker 1: forces that surround us as we grow up. So what 110 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,960 Speaker 1: I would say is that in any relationship, we have 111 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:50,520 Speaker 1: to evolve from chemistry to character if we really want 112 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:53,839 Speaker 1: the relationship to progress. And I think too many of 113 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:57,800 Speaker 1: us keep placing too much emphasis on chemistry for too long. 114 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:02,560 Speaker 1: It's kind of like saying, I really enjoy driving in 115 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:06,760 Speaker 1: gear five, and so even when I'm going up a hill, 116 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:09,960 Speaker 1: I'm going to try and drive up in gear five. Right. 117 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,920 Speaker 1: I just want that feeling. I just want to hear 118 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,680 Speaker 1: the sound of the car. I just want to feel 119 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:17,400 Speaker 1: that experience. Now, some of you may have actually tried 120 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:20,720 Speaker 1: to do this, if you've ever tried to drive a 121 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:23,440 Speaker 1: car in gear five, And now everyone's like, what's gears 122 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,640 Speaker 1: do we just have for automatic cars or electric cars? 123 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 1: Very true, I get it, but I remember driving a 124 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:31,000 Speaker 1: manual car, and the idea of just driving a manual 125 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,400 Speaker 1: car up a hill in gear five just doesn't make 126 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,320 Speaker 1: any sense. But that's what we're trying to do in relationships. 127 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,200 Speaker 1: I will come back to you with a better analogy 128 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,840 Speaker 1: that is more relevant right now, but we will get there. 129 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,679 Speaker 1: I also want to talk about I want to highlight 130 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,400 Speaker 1: a particular experience where this happens. So this happens in 131 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:50,560 Speaker 1: many different ways. How we overrate chemistry and underrate character. 132 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:53,160 Speaker 1: But I want to give a very specific example and 133 00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:56,440 Speaker 1: a study on this. And it's all about the bad 134 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:59,560 Speaker 1: boy and biology or the biology of the bad boy. Now, 135 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:03,080 Speaker 1: how many of you have ever been attracted to the 136 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:05,680 Speaker 1: bad guy? Right, the bad boy? How many of you 137 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,880 Speaker 1: have ever been be honest, be honest, do not be ashamed, 138 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,560 Speaker 1: do not feel embarrassed? Right? And how many of you 139 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,560 Speaker 1: have ever been attracted to the bad person or the 140 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,400 Speaker 1: bad girl, like someone who kind of is a rebel, 141 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:21,760 Speaker 1: kind of has that edge. Right's super attractive. And certainly 142 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,720 Speaker 1: there are bad boys and bad girls out there, and 143 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:28,480 Speaker 1: the bad boy type is far more common because men 144 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:33,840 Speaker 1: tend to demonstrate what psychologists call the dark triad of 145 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:38,280 Speaker 1: characteristics more often. No No, everyone's like, ooh, what's the 146 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:45,319 Speaker 1: dark triad? So the dark triad of characteristics are narcissism, psychopathy, 147 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:48,880 Speaker 1: and this last one is the manipulativeness and an extreme 148 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:52,560 Speaker 1: focus on their own interests over others. Now, when we 149 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:56,360 Speaker 1: look at them clinically, these traits don't sound at all attractive, right, 150 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:59,200 Speaker 1: I mean, you're not going that's what I want? But 151 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:03,400 Speaker 1: are you? When we look at that clinically, even though 152 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:07,280 Speaker 1: it doesn't seem attractive, in the real world, they can 153 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:11,439 Speaker 1: be quite alluring. Now. Gregory Lewis Carter of the University 154 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,520 Speaker 1: of Durham and his team gave one hundred and twenty 155 00:09:14,559 --> 00:09:18,839 Speaker 1: eight undergraduate women descriptions of two types of men, what 156 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:22,040 Speaker 1: we'd call regular guys who served as the controls for 157 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,480 Speaker 1: the study, and bad boys. The bad boys were described 158 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:31,080 Speaker 1: using traits from an inventory of characteristics typically associated with narcissism, 159 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:35,200 Speaker 1: such as a desire for attention and admiration, a lack 160 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:39,600 Speaker 1: of remorse or sensitivity, lack of concern with moral standards, 161 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:43,760 Speaker 1: and cynicism. The researchers then asked the women to rate 162 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:48,880 Speaker 1: the attractiveness of the men based on these descriptions, and 163 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:52,480 Speaker 1: you guessed it. Bad Boys came out on top. The 164 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:56,240 Speaker 1: researchers concluded that two issues may be at play in 165 00:09:56,280 --> 00:10:00,800 Speaker 1: the women's choices. For one, biology, the bad boys had 166 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:04,480 Speaker 1: traits that women could have interpreted would make them stronger 167 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:09,160 Speaker 1: genetically and therefore better mates for reproducing. But on a 168 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,840 Speaker 1: more everyday level, it could have been down to the 169 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:16,480 Speaker 1: bad boys ability to sell themselves. Remember among the dark 170 00:10:16,559 --> 00:10:22,439 Speaker 1: triad our characteristics of manipulation and ability to represent themselves favorably. 171 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,200 Speaker 1: So the reason why I'm sharing that with you and 172 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:28,720 Speaker 1: why we lose the spark is because we're attracted to 173 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,640 Speaker 1: the wrong person in the first place. Right, So what 174 00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,960 Speaker 1: ends up happening is we get attracted to the wrong person. 175 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:37,960 Speaker 1: We then start to see the reality of that individual. 176 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:41,480 Speaker 1: And after we see the reality, we have to readjust 177 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 1: And I want to break down those three steps. Right, 178 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:48,000 Speaker 1: It's natural to make the wrong decision to be attracted 179 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,800 Speaker 1: to the wrong thing, then see reality. And the biggest 180 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:56,600 Speaker 1: mistake we do is often it's glaringly obvious that this 181 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:59,880 Speaker 1: person is obviously wrong for us, and we keep trying 182 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,320 Speaker 1: to readjust to stay the best thing we can do 183 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:06,000 Speaker 1: in that moment when we've really learned about the reality 184 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,880 Speaker 1: and if it's fully that extreme is to move on. 185 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:12,880 Speaker 1: So the first lesson of today, the first reason is 186 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:18,040 Speaker 1: this idea of how we have to transition from chemistry 187 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:21,400 Speaker 1: to character. Right, chemistry to characters one of the biggest 188 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:25,800 Speaker 1: reasons why relationships end. Now, I want to talk to 189 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:31,480 Speaker 1: you about how this changes biologically. Right, So let's dive 190 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,720 Speaker 1: into a study about love at first sight. According to 191 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,840 Speaker 1: a study in the Journal for the International Association for 192 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:41,680 Speaker 1: Relationship Research, that's a mouthful, Participants who reported having had 193 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:45,520 Speaker 1: love at first sight experience were also more likely to 194 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:51,560 Speaker 1: emphasize the importance of physical attractiveness over concepts associated with 195 00:11:51,679 --> 00:11:56,160 Speaker 1: true love, such as intimacy and commitment. Notice how we're 196 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:59,600 Speaker 1: constantly led astray now. Studies show that when we're younger, 197 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:04,200 Speaker 1: our prefrontal cortex is less developed, so we're more likely 198 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:08,440 Speaker 1: to follow our feelings as opposed to reasoning in self control. 199 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:12,680 Speaker 1: That's why, Actually, which is so fascinating. Don't you feel 200 00:12:12,679 --> 00:12:14,840 Speaker 1: like you felt more chemistry when you were younger? Like, 201 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:17,760 Speaker 1: don't you feel you just felt more naturally attracted to 202 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:19,560 Speaker 1: people when you were younger, even when you didn't go 203 00:12:19,559 --> 00:12:21,760 Speaker 1: on a date, whereas now, as an adult, you go 204 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,760 Speaker 1: on so many dates and you don't feel anything. And 205 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:28,880 Speaker 1: the reason is because now your brain is developed and 206 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:32,960 Speaker 1: your reasoning and your self control is so high that 207 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:37,040 Speaker 1: you're actually able to be more discerning. Now, the reason 208 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:40,520 Speaker 1: why I'm talking about this is that, as the researchers wrote, 209 00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:43,800 Speaker 1: we therefore suggest that at first sight is not a 210 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:47,800 Speaker 1: distinct form of love, but rather a strong initial attraction 211 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,280 Speaker 1: that some labelers love at first sight, either in the 212 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:54,080 Speaker 1: moment or retrospective. Now, when I talk about me and 213 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:58,400 Speaker 1: RADI it was definitely attraction at first sight. Rady did 214 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,480 Speaker 1: not care. If you ask Grady, she would say, yeah, 215 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 1: I didn't even notice him. I noticed her for sure, right, 216 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:08,079 Speaker 1: Just to clarify how deceiving it can be. Now. Hedonic 217 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:13,200 Speaker 1: adaptation is a psychological concept that describes why. For instance, 218 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:16,720 Speaker 1: studies show that while happiness spikes in the first two 219 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,880 Speaker 1: years of marriage, this could be a two years of 220 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:23,800 Speaker 1: living together then returns to prior levels. Researchers call this 221 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:28,520 Speaker 1: early stage of love passionate love. Over time, if love lasts, 222 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:33,160 Speaker 1: it tends to morph into something still beautiful, but less 223 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:38,160 Speaker 1: charged by the exciting and sometimes stressful dopamine spikes that 224 00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:41,559 Speaker 1: accompany newness. Now, this is really interesting. When something's new, 225 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:46,520 Speaker 1: you experience stress and excitement at the same time. So 226 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:51,200 Speaker 1: the excitement is they gave me their number, distresses, will 227 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:54,959 Speaker 1: they text me? The excitement is, oh, my gosh, we're 228 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,760 Speaker 1: going on our first date. Distresses do they like me? Right? 229 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:02,880 Speaker 1: So you're going through this is pendulum of excitement and stress, 230 00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,680 Speaker 1: excitement and stress, excitement and stress, and that's what makes 231 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:10,000 Speaker 1: you feel like you have a spark. Biologically chemically, Now, 232 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:13,960 Speaker 1: over time, if love lasts, it tends to morph into 233 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:18,880 Speaker 1: something still beautiful, but less charged by that excitement and stress. 234 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:23,320 Speaker 1: This later state is called compassionate love and is characterized 235 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:28,520 Speaker 1: by deep connection. So when something becomes routine or consistently available, 236 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,760 Speaker 1: it naturally lose its spark. Right when someone when you 237 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:33,720 Speaker 1: have to kind of guess when you're going to see someone, 238 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:37,960 Speaker 1: when you're going to surprise each other, naturally that a spark. Now, 239 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:41,840 Speaker 1: though our brains can and do adapt to anything that's routine, 240 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:46,040 Speaker 1: arousal and physical passion tended to be affected more when 241 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:49,400 Speaker 1: these things fade. Much of love's heavy lifting is done 242 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:53,440 Speaker 1: by our deeper attraction, that of our character and values 243 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:56,640 Speaker 1: and how well they are suited to one another. If 244 00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,480 Speaker 1: we never looked beyond the spark, when the initial chemistry 245 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:04,160 Speaker 1: begins to fade, the relationship fizzles. Right. So I want 246 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:09,360 Speaker 1: to keep emphasizing the power of goals, values, a deeper 247 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:13,080 Speaker 1: understanding of the human being. And by the way, if 248 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,840 Speaker 1: reality surprised you and you don't want reality, that is 249 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,480 Speaker 1: absolutely fine too. You don't have to keep putting yourself 250 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:21,160 Speaker 1: in a position you don't want to be in. So 251 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:25,320 Speaker 1: that's a big reason, right, That's a really really big 252 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:28,920 Speaker 1: reason as to why the spark goes away. Because we've 253 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:32,440 Speaker 1: talked about the idea that you know, we're attracted to 254 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:35,560 Speaker 1: the wrong thing in the first place. We're not switching 255 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:39,320 Speaker 1: from chemistry to character. And if we don't the chemistry, 256 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:42,840 Speaker 1: you have to understand that's biology. It's literally changing, right. 257 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:47,320 Speaker 1: Our hormones are changing, The chemicals that are released are changing. 258 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:49,960 Speaker 1: As you spend more time, you become more comfortable with 259 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:53,800 Speaker 1: with them, you become more natural with them. Now, this 260 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,560 Speaker 1: one's a really really big one. This next one, I 261 00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:00,320 Speaker 1: think it's something that again we don't talk about enough. 262 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,600 Speaker 1: I find that it's fascinating that at the beginning of 263 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:07,680 Speaker 1: a relationship you want to win the other person over. 264 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:12,080 Speaker 1: But then fast forward into the relationship, you want them 265 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:15,880 Speaker 1: to lose in an argument. Right, You spend the whole 266 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:19,840 Speaker 1: first few months trying to win the other person over, 267 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:23,360 Speaker 1: and now all you want to do is beat them 268 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,440 Speaker 1: in an argument. Notice how you went from winning them 269 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:31,000 Speaker 1: over to wanting them to lose. Now that's the challenge 270 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:35,720 Speaker 1: that the relationship now goes from being a collaboration to 271 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:40,920 Speaker 1: a competition. Right, it goes from being a collaboration to 272 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:47,360 Speaker 1: a competition. And that's where relationship starts to disintegrate, it 273 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:50,800 Speaker 1: starts to break down, it starts to fall apart. So 274 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,200 Speaker 1: this is fascinating to me because you went from having 275 00:16:54,200 --> 00:17:00,120 Speaker 1: a collaborative, exciting, chemistry based, compatible connection and now all 276 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,400 Speaker 1: of a sudden, it became a competition. Right, it became 277 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:06,840 Speaker 1: a competition. And listen to this author and Leary met 278 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:09,240 Speaker 1: her husband when she was twenty and he was twenty five. 279 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:14,360 Speaker 1: They were perfect together. They had similar attributes and psychological makeup. 280 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:19,120 Speaker 1: They were both intensely competitive, both emotional and sensitive. They 281 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,320 Speaker 1: loved kids and animals. They even looked similar to one another. 282 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:26,480 Speaker 1: But as Leary writes, when the couple had kids, their 283 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:31,560 Speaker 1: matching attitudes and temperaments started to cause problems. They began 284 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:35,359 Speaker 1: to keep scool, noting who each thought was doing more 285 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:38,880 Speaker 1: to contribute to the family and who was being more 286 00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:43,760 Speaker 1: critical and self serving. After years of this, they sought therapy, 287 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:47,120 Speaker 1: but one evening, while sitting in the marriage counselor's office, 288 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:51,359 Speaker 1: they simply agreed it just wasn't going to work and 289 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,600 Speaker 1: they should get a divorce. On the way home, they 290 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,720 Speaker 1: stopped for a bite to eat, during which Anne decided 291 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 1: to finally tell her husband everything she'd been holding back 292 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,639 Speaker 1: every time he'd failed in our eyes or led her down. 293 00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:10,119 Speaker 1: To her surprise, instead of pushing back and arguing, he apologized. 294 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:14,560 Speaker 1: Shocked at his response and softened, then confessed everything she 295 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:18,200 Speaker 1: was sorry for two, Instead of discussing the divorce, they 296 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:21,160 Speaker 1: called their apartment and asked their kids if they wanted 297 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,600 Speaker 1: to see a movie together as a family. They never 298 00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:26,000 Speaker 1: did file for divorce, and instead learned to shift the 299 00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:29,679 Speaker 1: dynamics of their relationship. Their competition is now more of 300 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:33,880 Speaker 1: a friendly rivalry, and instead of being critical, they've learned 301 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:38,240 Speaker 1: to celebrate one another success. Now, notice how those two 302 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:42,000 Speaker 1: trajectories right, You're going down this road of chemistry hopefully 303 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,639 Speaker 1: you find compatibility, and then you have this split point. 304 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:50,760 Speaker 1: You either choose competition or you choose connection. Competition leads 305 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:57,280 Speaker 1: to complaining, criticism comparison, and you know, connection leads to 306 00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:59,399 Speaker 1: all the great stuff that we're really looking for. And 307 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:03,439 Speaker 1: so everyone that that fork in their relationship always right 308 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,520 Speaker 1: and you have to decide whether you're choosing to compete 309 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:09,600 Speaker 1: with this person or you're choosing to compete on who 310 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,600 Speaker 1: can love each other more deeply. And so that's another 311 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,159 Speaker 1: reason why relationships fizz all out, is that we choose 312 00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:19,919 Speaker 1: competition over collaboration. We choose competition over connection, We choose 313 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:25,800 Speaker 1: comparison over care and compassion. And I think if we 314 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,679 Speaker 1: can really think about our life as we're always choosing 315 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,080 Speaker 1: between those two. When you're next in an argument, ask yourself, 316 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:33,240 Speaker 1: am I competing with the person I tried to win 317 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:36,000 Speaker 1: over because that doesn't make any sense? Or do I 318 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,600 Speaker 1: want to collaborate with them? Literally ask yourself that question. 319 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:42,040 Speaker 1: So I hope this is really being illuminating for you, 320 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:46,520 Speaker 1: and I want to talk to you about where we 321 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,359 Speaker 1: can go right, how we can improve this right for ourselves, 322 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,160 Speaker 1: Like what are some of the things that we can 323 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,240 Speaker 1: do So I looked at some research as to what 324 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:58,159 Speaker 1: makes a marriage good after the honeymoon, and this applies 325 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:00,560 Speaker 1: to what makes a relationship good after the honey moon phase. 326 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:05,800 Speaker 1: And to answer this question, anthropologist Helen Fisher did some 327 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,879 Speaker 1: great research. The team found a group of unicorns, not 328 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,560 Speaker 1: real unicorns, but people who had been married for an 329 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:15,159 Speaker 1: average of twenty one point four years and reported they 330 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:18,880 Speaker 1: were still very much in love. They scanned their brains 331 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:23,160 Speaker 1: while these people looked at pictures of a familiar acquaintance, 332 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,000 Speaker 1: a close long term friend, and acquaintance with whom they 333 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:29,600 Speaker 1: were less familiar, and their partner, unlike when they looked 334 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,439 Speaker 1: at photos of others. When they looked at pictures of 335 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:34,520 Speaker 1: their partners, they showed activities in areas of the brain 336 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:39,160 Speaker 1: that are associated with all three of our basic human drives. 337 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:43,040 Speaker 1: The sex drive, our drive for romantic passion, yes that's 338 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:47,679 Speaker 1: an actual drive, and our drive to feel attachment. Now attachment, 339 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:51,159 Speaker 1: what research is call liking, can form the basis for 340 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:54,600 Speaker 1: a happy long term relationships. It's almost that idea of like, 341 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:57,160 Speaker 1: you say you love someone, but do you like them? 342 00:20:57,680 --> 00:20:59,520 Speaker 1: I had someone say this to me. I was officiating 343 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,399 Speaker 1: a wedding a couple of years ago, and this person 344 00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:04,120 Speaker 1: came up to me and they said, jay, I broke 345 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,120 Speaker 1: up with someone because we realized we loved each other, 346 00:21:06,119 --> 00:21:08,720 Speaker 1: but we didn't like each other. And I thought that 347 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:13,959 Speaker 1: was such a fascinating statement, because you think love encompasses everything, 348 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:18,120 Speaker 1: but liking someone means you actually like being around them. 349 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,960 Speaker 1: Love means you care about them. You may have deep 350 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:24,080 Speaker 1: feelings towards them, but you don't like them, you don't 351 00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:26,919 Speaker 1: get along with them. So when the researchers compared the 352 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:30,840 Speaker 1: results to brain activity in those who are experiencing early 353 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:34,640 Speaker 1: stage love, the newly and Love showed activity pretty much 354 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:40,960 Speaker 1: entirely in wanting areas associated with dopamine fueled passionate love. 355 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,080 Speaker 1: So you can see it's very, very different. The researchers said, 356 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,639 Speaker 1: for someone they look at their partner, it looks almost 357 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:48,960 Speaker 1: as if their brain is on fire, and in a 358 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,160 Speaker 1: way it is. We can still experience intense love many 359 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:56,080 Speaker 1: years into marriage, but in these later years what fuels 360 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:59,119 Speaker 1: love changes. You can think one of the early stage 361 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:03,360 Speaker 1: of relationship and all of that initial passion like gasoline. 362 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:06,359 Speaker 1: It will burn hot and fast when it ignites, but 363 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:09,399 Speaker 1: it's not sustainable. When we connect on a deeper level. 364 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:12,520 Speaker 1: When we listen fully to one another, when we hold 365 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:15,800 Speaker 1: hands or share long hugs, we're putting wood on the fire, 366 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:19,199 Speaker 1: and over time we get the enduring warmth of a 367 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,840 Speaker 1: long lasting relationship. And what we understand from the Gottman 368 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:26,440 Speaker 1: Institute is that rather than creating a climate of disagreement 369 00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:32,399 Speaker 1: and resistance, couples embrace each other's needs. Right, it's the 370 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:36,440 Speaker 1: idea of do I make my partner feel seen, heard 371 00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:41,320 Speaker 1: and understood? And do I feel seen, heard and understood? 372 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:44,680 Speaker 1: And are we making enough time to feel seen, heard 373 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:48,320 Speaker 1: and understood. And I think too many people we feel 374 00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:51,439 Speaker 1: that I already heard my partner, I've already seen them, 375 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:54,200 Speaker 1: I already know them. Right, there's this assumption of I've 376 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:58,080 Speaker 1: already figured them out, I already fully understand them, and 377 00:22:58,119 --> 00:23:01,200 Speaker 1: that actually blocks us. And that's why the spark goes away, 378 00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:04,919 Speaker 1: because now we're only looking at old things about our partner. 379 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,920 Speaker 1: We're not learning about the new things. I want to 380 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:09,520 Speaker 1: go a bit deeper with you all if I can. 381 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:13,679 Speaker 1: One of the reasons why relationships and chemistry fade and 382 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:16,480 Speaker 1: what we can do about them, is that we don't 383 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:21,440 Speaker 1: realize that relationships are not just for pleasure, but therefore 384 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:25,760 Speaker 1: reaching our truest potential. Your partner is going to push you, 385 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:29,480 Speaker 1: challenge you in ways that no one else ever has, 386 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,280 Speaker 1: and actually it could bring out the best out of 387 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:35,640 Speaker 1: you if you're willing to let it come out. And 388 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:38,640 Speaker 1: I think too many of us are scared of letting 389 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:41,040 Speaker 1: it come out because of our ego. We don't want 390 00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:42,840 Speaker 1: our partner to challenge us. Now, I'm not saying that 391 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:45,720 Speaker 1: your partners should criticize you or compare you to other people. 392 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:49,800 Speaker 1: That's not healthy. But our partner can challenge us in 393 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:52,639 Speaker 1: so many other ways and challenge our ego in so 394 00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:55,480 Speaker 1: many other ways. And so there's a lot of growth 395 00:23:55,520 --> 00:24:01,760 Speaker 1: to be had. And there's a beautiful statement from relationship 396 00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 1: counselor and form a monk as well, Thomas Moore. He 397 00:24:05,119 --> 00:24:08,479 Speaker 1: writes in his book Soulmates, relationships are not meant to 398 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:12,880 Speaker 1: provide us with unending happiness. When we focus our attention 399 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,840 Speaker 1: on the soul of the relationship instead of on its 400 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:20,600 Speaker 1: interpersonal mechanics, a different set of values come to the foreground. 401 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,679 Speaker 1: We begin to see relationships as the place where the 402 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:27,679 Speaker 1: soul works out its destiny. With our focus on the soul, 403 00:24:28,359 --> 00:24:32,640 Speaker 1: we won't feel the impossible burden of doing the relationship right. 404 00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:36,400 Speaker 1: So he says, when we look at the issues from 405 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:39,600 Speaker 1: the standpoint of our soul, we stop putting ourselves as 406 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,600 Speaker 1: the center. We don't ask what's wrong with me? We 407 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,399 Speaker 1: ask how does the failure of this relationship serve me? 408 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,600 Speaker 1: Or what is our out of alignment within me? That 409 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,960 Speaker 1: I chose to be in a relationship that does not 410 00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:53,960 Speaker 1: honor my values. So More also writes that the problems 411 00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:58,240 Speaker 1: within a relationship don't necessarily mean that something is wrong. Instead, 412 00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:02,160 Speaker 1: these challenges may bee invite us to lean into one another. 413 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:06,080 Speaker 1: Periods of stress and points of disagreements can actually serve 414 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:11,560 Speaker 1: as initiation of sorts into a more meaningful relationship where 415 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:15,520 Speaker 1: we understand and relate to ourselves and the other person 416 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:18,920 Speaker 1: on a deeper level. I love this idea. I love 417 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,960 Speaker 1: this idea that challenges doesn't mean we just walk away, 418 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:24,399 Speaker 1: that we throw it away, That this could be the 419 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:27,600 Speaker 1: greatest growth that we could go through. See. The problem 420 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:30,200 Speaker 1: is in a relationship, we measure our self worth by 421 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:34,200 Speaker 1: how well the relationships going. We don't measure it by saying, well, 422 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,080 Speaker 1: how much am I growing? Right? We measure our self 423 00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:39,119 Speaker 1: worth and our self esteem by how well is this 424 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,400 Speaker 1: relationship going, not by how am I feeling or how 425 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,840 Speaker 1: am I growing or what am I accomplishing Separately. The 426 00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:49,440 Speaker 1: other thing I'm going to mention here is the investment 427 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:53,200 Speaker 1: we make in our relationship. Now. Researchers from the National 428 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:57,680 Speaker 1: University of Singapore and Emory University use data from more 429 00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:01,520 Speaker 1: than three thousand married people to determine the correlation between 430 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:04,399 Speaker 1: how much money you spend on weddings and divorce rates. 431 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:07,600 Speaker 1: This is scary. They found that the more a couple 432 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:11,680 Speaker 1: spent on a wedding, the more likely the marriage wouldn't last. 433 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:14,840 Speaker 1: Those who married on the cheap, relatively speaking, for a 434 00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:18,600 Speaker 1: thousand dollars or less, were fifty three percent less likely 435 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:22,119 Speaker 1: to divorce, and couples spending between one thousand and five 436 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:27,600 Speaker 1: thousand dollars were eighteen percent less likely to split up. Conversely, 437 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:30,600 Speaker 1: couples who forked out over ten to twenty thousand dollars 438 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:33,560 Speaker 1: for the big day were twenty nine percent more likely 439 00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:37,600 Speaker 1: to divorce. Among those who went all out, spending more 440 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:41,159 Speaker 1: than twenty thousand dollars, the odds their marriage wouldn't last 441 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:44,199 Speaker 1: rose to forty six percent. Now I'm not telling you 442 00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,760 Speaker 1: not to have a big wedding. I'm really not restricting you. 443 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:50,040 Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is are we investing more in 444 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:54,159 Speaker 1: moving in and getting married or are we investing in 445 00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:57,080 Speaker 1: our relationship? How many of us are? You know, when 446 00:26:57,119 --> 00:26:58,919 Speaker 1: you're getting married, you think about a guest list. How 447 00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:01,000 Speaker 1: many of you have thought about the couples you really 448 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:03,440 Speaker 1: want to spend time with. That's the thing we should 449 00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:07,840 Speaker 1: be thinking about when we get married. We have efficiant. 450 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:11,680 Speaker 1: The officiant is guiding the ceremony. Who are our marriage mentors? 451 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:15,560 Speaker 1: Or even if you're not getting married, our relationship mentors? Right? 452 00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:17,840 Speaker 1: Who's coaching us? Who's guiding us through this? Who are 453 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:21,879 Speaker 1: we turning to? And clinical psychologist Seth Meyers says that 454 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,280 Speaker 1: seeking counseling before getting married, and I'm just talking about 455 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:28,040 Speaker 1: getting married is almost like a commitment in a relationship, 456 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,560 Speaker 1: even if you choose not to get married. So Seth 457 00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:34,520 Speaker 1: Meyers says that seeking counseling before getting married is the 458 00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:38,480 Speaker 1: smartest decision that any couple can make. Myers believes this 459 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:42,480 Speaker 1: is one thing that religious institutions and spiritual traditions that 460 00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:48,360 Speaker 1: require or at least recommend premarital counseling, get right. Yeah. Unfortunately, 461 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:51,840 Speaker 1: many couples who aren't required by institutions or spiritual leaders 462 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:55,240 Speaker 1: to have counseling before marriage avoid seeking this kind of 463 00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:58,360 Speaker 1: support because of fear. They're afraid that if they talk 464 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:02,200 Speaker 1: about challenges they're already having, putting a spotlight on their 465 00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:06,440 Speaker 1: problems will magnify them and they'll split up. Mis says, 466 00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:10,000 Speaker 1: it's typically the opposite. That's true, having a structured environment 467 00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:14,680 Speaker 1: where you can express your feelings and be supported. Working 468 00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:19,000 Speaker 1: through early challenges actually helps you resolve the issues so 469 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:22,160 Speaker 1: they won't creep up later on when you're in a relationship. 470 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:25,560 Speaker 1: So at that point later on, you could be so 471 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:29,520 Speaker 1: entrenched that they're harder to resolve and really could lead 472 00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:34,399 Speaker 1: to divorce. So I think our avoidance of problems in 473 00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:38,640 Speaker 1: hope that things will work out really tend to work. 474 00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:42,440 Speaker 1: I hope this episode has been really illuminating on how 475 00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:46,920 Speaker 1: it's natural that chemistry will go, it's natural that compatibility 476 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:49,840 Speaker 1: and character will rise. We then have a choice between 477 00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:54,480 Speaker 1: competition or collaboration. And finally we have a choice between 478 00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:59,000 Speaker 1: really excavating and creating long lasting soul connection and work 479 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:01,480 Speaker 1: as opposed to the idea of I just want to 480 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:04,160 Speaker 1: have a good time. I'm not saying that relationships are 481 00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:07,160 Speaker 1: not fun, they're not exciting. They are, they're thrilling, But 482 00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:10,080 Speaker 1: at the same time, there is a growth that comes 483 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:12,880 Speaker 1: from it that is even more satisfying. I'm sure you 484 00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:15,720 Speaker 1: feel that if you're someone who's gone to the gym regularly, 485 00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:19,680 Speaker 1: even though it was uncomfortable in the beginning, the feeling 486 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:21,640 Speaker 1: is so much better. If you've been eating really healthy, 487 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:24,080 Speaker 1: The feeling is so much better if you've worked on 488 00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:28,840 Speaker 1: a tough relationship. Their success, the accomplishment you feel from 489 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:31,880 Speaker 1: this type of growth is so much greater than any pleasure. 490 00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:34,560 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to on Purpose. I 491 00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:37,200 Speaker 1: hope you'll go and pre order my new book. It's 492 00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:40,440 Speaker 1: four days away eight Rules of Love dot com. Get 493 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:42,920 Speaker 1: the audiobook or the hardcover. I can't wait for you 494 00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:46,000 Speaker 1: to read it, and I can't wait to connect with 495 00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:49,200 Speaker 1: you on my tour. I'm going on tour jstour dot com. 496 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:51,280 Speaker 1: If you want to come and see me live, it's 497 00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:54,240 Speaker 1: going to be a phenomenal experience. Can wait to see 498 00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:54,520 Speaker 1: you there.