Speaker 1: Confident is about being able to walk into any room
Speaker 1: unapologetically yourself and walk out of it not worrying what
Speaker 1: everyone else thought of you.
Speaker 2: Hey, everyone, welcome back to on Purpose, the place you
Speaker 2: come to become the happier, healthier, and more healed. I
Speaker 2: am committed to making a healing world, not one that
Speaker 2: is finished, complete or perfect, but one where we're all
Speaker 2: a work in progress. And today to help us do that,
Speaker 2: to heal from the inside out, to work on some
Speaker 2: of the biggest challenges that we all struggle with. Whether
Speaker 2: it's insecurities, whether it's self doubt, whether it's a lack
Speaker 2: of self trust, whether it's feeling like we're not enough.
Speaker 2: Maybe you've felt not smart enough, not beautiful enough, not
Speaker 2: thoughtful enough, not tall enough, whatever it may be, and
Speaker 2: it all affects a part of our life that we
Speaker 2: call confidence. And today's guest is none other than my
Speaker 2: dear friend Roxy Nafusi. Her new book is called Confidence,
Speaker 2: Eight Steps to Knowing Your Worth. She's the best selling
Speaker 2: author of manifest She's been on the show before. You
Speaker 2: loved our episode together, and I'm so excited to welcome
Speaker 2: back Roxy and the Fusie.
Speaker 3: Roxy. It's great to have you back.
Speaker 1: Ah, thank you so much for having me. I mean,
Speaker 1: I couldn't believe I got to sit in this chair once,
Speaker 1: so to be here twice. What is this life?
Speaker 2: Honestly? Like, since the moment we met, we hit it off. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and I shared last time, just how many people in
Speaker 2: my life read Manifest I've gifted it to so many
Speaker 2: people as well, And anyone that's read it, anyone that
Speaker 2: connects with your work and knows we know each other,
Speaker 2: will message me and just say this book was awesome,
Speaker 2: Like I love her work and to see you continue
Speaker 2: to rise and soar and now create this book as
Speaker 2: well again in your signature style of being poignant, effective, relatable, simple,
Speaker 2: It's so powerful. Thanks and I'm so glad you dedicate
Speaker 2: time to confidence.
Speaker 1: Thank you. No, I'm so so honored, Thank you so much.
Speaker 2: Okay, so let's dive in roxy I want to Confidence
Speaker 2: is such a big thing. I wanted to ask you
Speaker 2: how do you defer find the word confidence?
Speaker 1: So I think there's so many different ways to define confidence.
Speaker 1: And I think for me, confidence is ultimately about self worth.
Speaker 1: It's about knowing that you are enough, exactly as you are.
Speaker 1: And I think what confidence isn't and the way I
Speaker 1: don't define it is being an extrovert. So a lot
Speaker 1: of people think that if you are confident, it must
Speaker 1: mean that you're comfortable being loud or you're charismatic, and
Speaker 1: you kind of think that that's what it's about. But
Speaker 1: for me, that's not it at all. You know. I
Speaker 1: think confidence is grounding, it's quiet, it's stable. And one
Speaker 1: of my favorite definitions of confidence is that confidence is
Speaker 1: about being able to walk into any room unapologetically yourself
Speaker 1: and walk out of it not worrying what everyone else
Speaker 1: thought of you. And I think when you can get
Speaker 1: to that place, that's when you know you've reached it.
Speaker 2: I like that definition. That's such a brilliant way of
Speaker 2: putting it, because I think we are all over thinking
Speaker 2: before we walk into a room, whatever I'm going to
Speaker 2: think of me, and then we walk out, we're all
Speaker 2: thinking what did they think of me? Absolutely think the
Speaker 2: whole car journey home, wondering everything you did and whether
Speaker 2: someone saw you drop your spoon or spill a bit
Speaker 2: of wine, or drop some food or whatever it may be.
Speaker 2: You're over analyzing every moment and you're wondering, well do
Speaker 2: they think I'm smart. Do they think I'm clever? Do
Speaker 2: they think I'm interesting?
Speaker 3: I'm boring? One thing you.
Speaker 2: Said was really interesting to me, and I want to
Speaker 2: kind of go down that road. Is how do introreeds
Speaker 2: and extra eds demonstrate confidence differently? Or does it even
Speaker 2: look different?
Speaker 1: I think that I suppose. I mean I've never considered
Speaker 1: that before, but I think they're extroverts. Probably they feel
Speaker 1: most comfortable when they can be social, when they can,
Speaker 1: you know, make people feel comfortable in their space, make
Speaker 1: them feel seen had They're good at conversation, you know,
Speaker 1: getting a group to get there and you know, and
Speaker 1: they just feel good in that environment. I think for
Speaker 1: an introvert, it doesn't mean that it's really about having
Speaker 1: a Like I said those words before, that quiet grounded confidence.
Speaker 1: So you don't need to be the loudest in the
Speaker 1: room because you don't need you're not trying to prove yourself,
Speaker 1: and that's the really confidence isn't about proving yourself. It's
Speaker 1: about knowing you're enough and not needing anyone else to
Speaker 1: kind of validate that for you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, why is it that we it feels so obvious,
Speaker 2: like is there a healthy pursuit of validation or is
Speaker 2: validation all bad?
Speaker 1: I think that some Look, it's impossible to really think
Speaker 1: that we're not going to want any validation at all, Like,
Speaker 1: of course we do, and I think that we should
Speaker 1: need some because we need to be like upstanding members
Speaker 1: of society and respect other people. And also helps to
Speaker 1: encourage us to strive to be better, to be better
Speaker 1: in as people, as individuals, in our careers and our relationships,
Speaker 1: you know. So it is important to motivate us to
Speaker 1: be the best that we can be, which is great.
Speaker 1: But I think the problem is is where validation. Well, look,
Speaker 1: let's say that let's start with this evolutionary we needed
Speaker 1: to belong to be part to survive in a tribe, right,
Speaker 1: and so it was really important for us to be
Speaker 1: liked by other people or to you know, to be
Speaker 1: part of something. What's happened in the modern day is
Speaker 1: we've taken that kind of like evolutionary need to belong,
Speaker 1: but instead of it being kind of important for our survival,
Speaker 1: it's now how we determine how enough we are or
Speaker 1: the measuring stick of which we kind of measure our worth.
Speaker 1: And so I think that, you know, yes, we do
Speaker 1: need some validation to keep us growing. But we've just
Speaker 1: taken it so far that now other people's opinions matter
Speaker 1: more to us than our own.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think you're so right that that switch
Speaker 2: has gone from being does my class think, my trainers
Speaker 2: or my sneakers a call to now everything is broadcast
Speaker 2: to the whole world, and it's measured. So you got
Speaker 2: ten likes on a post, and someone got twenty, and
Speaker 2: someone got twenty million, and someone got twenty thousand, and
Speaker 2: so you're so right that now that validation has become
Speaker 2: a matter of net worth as well, and indicative of
Speaker 2: how much attention you get, whereas before you're in your
Speaker 2: classroom or even your tribe. Yeah, and you're like, yeah,
Speaker 2: if I've got twenty people that are generally okay with me,
Speaker 2: I'm fine.
Speaker 1: The problem with it as well is it changes our
Speaker 1: self perception. Let's say that, and I know you love
Speaker 1: that quote because I love it too, that I am
Speaker 1: not who I think I am. I'm not who you
Speaker 1: think I am. I'm who I think you think I am.
Speaker 1: And I kind of explained it like this. So I
Speaker 1: was still sat next to someone at dinner once and
Speaker 1: she would an influencer, and she said, you know, sometimes
Speaker 1: I'll post something that I really love on Instagram and
Speaker 1: it doesn't get any likes, and then I think that
Speaker 1: that post is terrible. So you start with Let's say
Speaker 1: you have a picture that you love of your family
Speaker 1: and you think, this is such a beautiful picture. I
Speaker 1: love it, and then you post it and it doesn't
Speaker 1: get that measure of like that you are expecting. So
Speaker 1: it gets ten likes, let's say, and that for you
Speaker 1: doesn't feel enough. And then instead of you thinking, okay,
Speaker 1: that just maybe not many people saw it today, maybe
Speaker 1: it was the algorithm, you actually start to question your
Speaker 1: own decision. Why did I post that? Was it even
Speaker 1: a good photo? And so actually, instead of thinking that
Speaker 1: it's about anything else or there's any other reason for it,
Speaker 1: you change your own perception of yourself or your own
Speaker 1: opinion of yourself. And so I think that's where it's
Speaker 1: really damaging, is that, Yeah, we don't just look for
Speaker 1: external validation to guide us. We look for it to
Speaker 1: tell us what we should think about ourselves.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's so good, And you made me think about
Speaker 2: how we all post that caption of felt cute might
Speaker 2: delete later, And it's like that idea of like I
Speaker 2: felt I looked cute, so I posted this yes, And
Speaker 2: now I'm going to see if everyone else felt I
Speaker 2: like you, and if they don't, I might delete it later.
Speaker 2: And that's that mindset that you're saying, where it's like,
Speaker 2: oh no, but I thought I looked really good here, yeah,
Speaker 2: and I wanted to share that, And now you're so right.
Speaker 2: Now you're making me feel like I don't look good
Speaker 2: in a picture I thought I looked good in, which
Speaker 2: makes me feel even worse. What are some of the
Speaker 2: other ways where does this show up? I love that
Speaker 2: example that you just brought it to of posting a
Speaker 2: picture of your family or this felt cute? Might delete later.
Speaker 2: What are other things that you hear from people of
Speaker 2: where we're seeing a lack of confidence show up? What
Speaker 2: are people worried about? What are people scared about? What
Speaker 2: are you hearing from people that you work with the
Speaker 2: meat and when you're traveling, touring, speaking, what are you hearing?
Speaker 1: Oh gosh? I mean, I think that lack of confidence
Speaker 1: shows up in every single area of our lives. And
Speaker 1: I think that you know the Obviously, my first book
Speaker 1: was Manifest, which was Seven Steps to Living your Best
Speaker 1: Life and it was that seven step guide and step
Speaker 1: two is removed fearing doubt. And people would often say
Speaker 1: to me, roxy the step I struggle with the most
Speaker 1: when it comes to manifesting, and to manifest we must
Speaker 1: we can only manifest what we subconsciously believe we are
Speaker 1: worthy of receiving. So it's all rooted in self worth,
Speaker 1: which is why confidence is such a great extension to
Speaker 1: my work. And people would always say, the hardest step
Speaker 1: is step two, remove fearing doubt, because this insecurity, these
Speaker 1: low self worth, this feeling of lack of confidence is
Speaker 1: so embedded into us and into our kind of belief
Speaker 1: system that really is the hardest thing to work on.
Speaker 1: It's the hardest thing to undo. And so whether people
Speaker 1: are looking for love, whether they're trying to grow within
Speaker 1: their careers, whether they're trying to build on their own
Speaker 1: you know, they're starting their own business, whatever area of
Speaker 1: their life, it is usually the reason they're not fulfilling
Speaker 1: their potential or growing in the way that they want
Speaker 1: to is because of a lack of confidence. And what
Speaker 1: I always think is really interesting with confidence is that
Speaker 1: we always assume if we were sat in a group
Speaker 1: of people, we would always assume that the person sat
Speaker 1: next to us was free of it, that they are
Speaker 1: so confident, we don't see their self doubt, we don't
Speaker 1: see their insecurity. But actually, when I do my live
Speaker 1: shows and I say, you know, to an audience of
Speaker 1: thousands of people, and I'll say who here, I can
Speaker 1: honestly say they are completely free from self doubt, insecurity,
Speaker 1: or feelings of low self worth. Not one person will
Speaker 1: raise their hand, And so you really start to understand
Speaker 1: that this lack of confidence is a universal experience. It's
Speaker 1: something that actually binds us all, and I think there's
Speaker 1: so much vulnerability and connection to be found in kind
Speaker 1: of sharing it a bit more with each other and
Speaker 1: being more open about it. And it's also so comforting
Speaker 1: because we remember that, you know, we are not seeing
Speaker 1: what other people are going through mentally.
Speaker 2: Do you feel that there's a difference between men and
Speaker 2: women and how they experience confidence? Do you know?
Speaker 1: I think that women have more pressures, and so I
Speaker 1: think that we can assume that it's much harder for
Speaker 1: women to feel confident, but I think it's harder for
Speaker 1: men to express it. And so I also really feel
Speaker 1: for men because I think as a group of women
Speaker 1: it's much easier for us to go to each other
Speaker 1: and say, oh god, I feel so gross today, or
Speaker 1: oh god, you know, I really sucked up in that
Speaker 1: meeting or whatever, And I think we give each other
Speaker 1: more like therapy, whereas I assume, and I'm you know,
Speaker 1: generalizing here, but men aren't as good as opening up
Speaker 1: to each other about their insecurities, you know, it is
Speaker 1: my opinion.
Speaker 2: Yeah, No, it's a really interesting thing to think about.
Speaker 2: And I think that's a really like interesting observation because
Speaker 2: I wouldn't say you're wrong. I think when my male friends,
Speaker 2: and obviously because of my work and who I am,
Speaker 2: I guess more men and me do have those types
Speaker 2: of conversations. But in general, even when I have my
Speaker 2: male friends being really open about something, it's hard, like
Speaker 2: it comes with a very like this is a big thing,
Speaker 2: Whereas I assume, as you're saying that, when you're talking
Speaker 2: it's just chit chat and it's how you feel. Whereas
Speaker 2: this is like, hey, I've got something to tell you. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and then it's a moment of this is what I've
Speaker 2: been struggling with. Yeah, and yeah, it feels a lot heavier,
Speaker 2: and therefore it feels a lot heavier to that person
Speaker 2: in sense as well. Your first chapter is called Master
Speaker 2: your Thoughts. You're right, your mind can be your home
Speaker 2: or your prison. You get to choose which. Talk to
Speaker 2: me about how your mind can be a home or
Speaker 2: a prison.
Speaker 1: When we really think about what are the barriers to
Speaker 1: confidence in a critic, I think everyone would agree is
Speaker 1: the biggest one. And I think that what I've really
Speaker 1: come to understand is how powerful our thoughts are, and
Speaker 1: that our thoughts really do shape our reality. And the
Speaker 1: reason for this is because thoughts become beliefs when they're
Speaker 1: repeated so many times, and what we believe about ourselves
Speaker 1: determines our whole experience of the world because it becomes
Speaker 1: the filter through which you view everything. Every interaction, every experience,
Speaker 1: everything is filtered through what you believe about yourself and
Speaker 1: the world and then interpreted. And so for a really
Speaker 1: clear example of this would be, let's say that you
Speaker 1: were to hold a belief that you are naturally not
Speaker 1: good with people. You have a belief that you're boring,
Speaker 1: perhaps you had a belief that you were bad at
Speaker 1: making friends. You then go to a dinner party and
Speaker 1: you meet someone new for the first time, and because
Speaker 1: you hold this belief, the way that you interpret this
Speaker 1: person's social caure use whether they you might really focus
Speaker 1: on the fact that they look over your shoulder, you
Speaker 1: may notice the fact that they didn't ask you a question,
Speaker 1: but you really focus on the fact that they just
Speaker 1: talked about themselves, and then you might really make the
Speaker 1: fact that they walked away to talk to someone else
Speaker 1: feel like this really big deal. And as a result
Speaker 1: of the fact that you're viewing it through this lens
Speaker 1: of I know, I'm not good with people, or I'm
Speaker 1: not good at making new friends, what happens is you're
Speaker 1: focusing on the wrong cues, and then you likely become
Speaker 1: a bit defensive, and then you create a self fulfilling prophecy.
Speaker 1: Whereas if somebody had a belief like, oh, I'm really
Speaker 1: good with people, I'm great, I'm charismatic, people generally tend
Speaker 1: to like me, you're going to have the exact same interaction.
Speaker 1: You won't notice any of those cues, you won't misinterpret
Speaker 1: it maybe a neutral expression as disinterest, and so you're
Speaker 1: probably going to respond in a more positive way to
Speaker 1: that person and be more open, and then you'll create
Speaker 1: a reinforce that belief in yourself. And so this is
Speaker 1: happening all all the time in our lives, and it's
Speaker 1: a lot easier for our brains to actually just find
Speaker 1: evidence to support what we already believe, rather than kind
Speaker 1: of find conflicting evidence and then have a new way
Speaker 1: of thinking. And so our minds really are keeping us
Speaker 1: stuck in these patterns. And I describe it like this
Speaker 1: in the book. Imagine that you're a comedian on stage
Speaker 1: and you're on stage and you're giving your set and
Speaker 1: the audience are booing you, they're like, get off the stage,
Speaker 1: and essentially they're heckling you. Now, that comedian on stage
Speaker 1: is never going to be able to give their best performance,
Speaker 1: right because they're going to feel self conscious, they're going
Speaker 1: to feel nervous. They're going to be overthinking everything that's
Speaker 1: coming out of their mouth, and so it's not going
Speaker 1: to be as relaxed. They might stumble on their words.
Speaker 1: But if they were to go out and give the
Speaker 1: same set and the audience was there cheering their like laughing,
Speaker 1: they are going to be so much more likely to
Speaker 1: give to deliver their best. Their jokes are going to
Speaker 1: be funnier, they're going to remember things. You know, it's
Speaker 1: going to be a fantastic show. Now, in our lives
Speaker 1: day to day, we are heckling ourselves, and so how
Speaker 1: do we expect ourselves to be able to put our
Speaker 1: best foot forward? And so it's really about understanding that
Speaker 1: our thoughts, which are then forming our beliefs, are having
Speaker 1: so much influence over not only how we feel, but
Speaker 1: who we become and you know, our whole lives. And
Speaker 1: so being able to master your thoughts really is the
Speaker 1: kind of like first of these a steps to knowing
Speaker 1: your worth.
Speaker 2: That heckle is so real and it happens from the
Speaker 2: moment you wake up, Like you wake up and you
Speaker 2: look in the mirror and you go, I look so tired.
Speaker 2: Oh I've put on a bit of way. Oh whatever
Speaker 2: it is, right, we all have our own version. I've
Speaker 2: got gray hairs, whatever it is. And then after that
Speaker 2: you're like, oh god, I'm late for work. And again
Speaker 2: it's like everything and we do it to ourselves every
Speaker 2: day all day. Or I shouldn't have spoken up in
Speaker 2: that meaning, Oh I should have spoken up in that meaning.
Speaker 2: Oh I said something stupid in that meaning, Oh I
Speaker 2: should have said more. Oh my, I'm not going to
Speaker 2: get a promotion. Oh I don't deserve you know, whatever
Speaker 2: it is. It's just it's crazy how incessant it is. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: And it's like every tiny move it almost feels like
Speaker 2: you think someone's watching you on the big screen and
Speaker 2: analyzing you every move. And I wanted to ask you that,
Speaker 2: what's the difference between self awareness and self criticism?
Speaker 1: It's the intention behind it. I think that self awareness is,
Speaker 1: and I mean is about being able to say, let's
Speaker 1: say you've gone into a meeting and you've given a presentation,
Speaker 1: and afterwards and during the presentation, maybe you do mess up,
Speaker 1: maybe you don't say the right thing, maybe it's not
Speaker 1: your best performance. And afterwards, if you were to come out,
Speaker 1: self criticism would sound like, oh, you're such an idiot,
Speaker 1: why did you do that? Typical that you would. You're
Speaker 1: never going to get it. You've messed up. Self awareness
Speaker 1: is you know what? That wasn't your best But how
Speaker 1: can we improve for the next time? You know, there's
Speaker 1: a kind of there's a different way of approaching it
Speaker 1: because confidence is also not about ignoring all your flaws.
Speaker 1: It's not about just saying, oh my god, I'm just perfect.
Speaker 1: How I am. You know. I have a quote in
Speaker 1: the book where I say confidence is knowing that you're
Speaker 1: a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time.
Speaker 1: And so self awareness is important as humans we need
Speaker 1: to be growing and evolving. But it's how can you
Speaker 1: actually notice perhaps your flaws, perhaps areas where you could
Speaker 1: be better and do better, but approach it in a
Speaker 1: way that feels really compassionate, That feels because you know,
Speaker 1: in that compassion, you're actually giving yourself the best opportunity.
Speaker 1: Think about a child, right If you want a child
Speaker 1: to learn a new skill, you're not going to go
Speaker 1: and just break them. You know, when I'm teaching Wolf maths,
Speaker 1: if I'm like, oh, you idiot, how didn't you get that,
Speaker 1: he's going to be like I forget it, I think
Speaker 1: he would be traumatized and he'd never he'd hate maths
Speaker 1: for all the rest of his life. And yet that's
Speaker 1: how we talk to ourselves all the time. We're just
Speaker 1: you know, telling ourselves, we're just mean. We're mean to ourselves.
Speaker 1: And it is so exhausting. And I know that so
Speaker 1: many people listening are just tired. They're just tired of
Speaker 1: constantly being in this battle with themselves and you just
Speaker 1: get to a point and you're like, I just don't
Speaker 1: want to live like this anymore.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, No, it's so right.
Speaker 2: And it's interesting because we always say like you should
Speaker 2: talk to yourself as you talk to a friend, that
Speaker 2: it's almost like talk to yourself like you talk to
Speaker 2: a child. Yeah, because from what you just said Wolf
Speaker 2: like teaching him maths. It's like there's a inner child
Speaker 2: inside every single one of us that is lacking in confidence,
Speaker 2: that was criticized and was heckled while they were growing up.
Speaker 2: It's not even talking to a friend, it's talking to
Speaker 2: this younger person inside of yourself and your younger self
Speaker 2: and saying, yeah, it's okay that you're not going to
Speaker 2: mess right now, like you know you wouldn't you would,
Speaker 2: that's what you'd say to you. Yeah, And you wouldn't
Speaker 2: tell them to get his act together or grow up
Speaker 2: or you should get it by now.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And it's hard. It's really difficult when you are familiar
Speaker 1: with the inner critic. It is really challenging at first
Speaker 1: to be able to actually pause on the kind of
Speaker 1: like spiraling thoughts and speak to yourself kindly. You know,
Speaker 1: when I if I ask people like, I want you
Speaker 1: to just repeat inside your head, like I love who
Speaker 1: I am, I am so thoughtful, I'm such a good friend,
Speaker 1: I'm so proud of everything I've achieved. A lot of
Speaker 1: people will not even say it inside their heads, even
Speaker 1: though no one else can hear them, because they feel cringe.
Speaker 1: They feel like it's embarrassing, and that's how uncomfortable it
Speaker 1: is for most people. So I really don't want people
Speaker 1: to think that. I assume it's really easy to change
Speaker 1: from having this in a critic to this kind and
Speaker 1: a cheerleader. But it is absolutely possible, and with practice,
Speaker 1: it becomes more comfortable and it becomes easier. And so
Speaker 1: there's a actually there's a journaling prompt i'd love people
Speaker 1: to try. I used it in my Manifest daily journal,
Speaker 1: and it's my favorite journal prompt and it's a motivational
Speaker 1: message from my higher self and every morning, I just
Speaker 1: would love people to try this. Just write down a
Speaker 1: kind message to yourself, because what it's going to do
Speaker 1: is it's going to get you. Help you really get
Speaker 1: to know that kind of voice and really give it
Speaker 1: more power, give it a character, give it space in
Speaker 1: your mind. And so when I started doing this practice myself.
Speaker 1: I would write something really generic, like you got this right,
Speaker 1: and then as I started getting more used to it,
Speaker 1: I would write things. Let's say I was nervous for
Speaker 1: something that day, I'd write something like today is going
Speaker 1: to be great. You worked really hard for this, do
Speaker 1: your best. Or if there was something I was really
Speaker 1: excited for that day, I'd say, go and enjoy every second.
Speaker 1: You deserve to be there. You know, this is part
Speaker 1: of your journey or whatever it was. And so I
Speaker 1: think that this can be a really powerful prompt for
Speaker 1: those people who think that I just don't even know
Speaker 1: where to start with talking to myself, like my and
Speaker 1: a child or like a friend, this can just help
Speaker 1: you get to know their voice.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I really like that.
Speaker 2: And I think that's what we have to understand, is
Speaker 2: that even that in a critic is not us. It's
Speaker 2: just a rehearsed, habituated, conditioned voice that you've just practiced.
Speaker 2: So you've practiced that voice your whole life that says
Speaker 2: you're a loser, you're not great, you're not enough, you're
Speaker 2: not good, whatever it is, and if you start practicing
Speaker 2: another voice, that will change. Yeah, And that for me
Speaker 2: was always massively helpful in recognizing that you could change
Speaker 2: pretty much anything and everything if you wanted to, and
Speaker 2: if you chose to, because all you were living out
Speaker 2: was a habit and you weren't living out your destiny
Speaker 2: as it as if and that's what we believe. We
Speaker 2: kind of believe like I'm born like this and this
Speaker 2: is what I have and this is what I'm living with.
Speaker 2: And really what you're saying is no, if you master
Speaker 2: your thoughts, yes, you can change your beliefs, and therefore
Speaker 2: you can change your reality.
Speaker 1: Yes.
Speaker 2: I love the idea of a motivational message from your
Speaker 2: higher self, because that's even beyond being kinder to yourself.
Speaker 2: That's really saying, well, let's live your life from this.
Speaker 3: Point of view. Yeah, and how that changes everything.
Speaker 2: And it's almost like even if you went one day
Speaker 2: living like that, Like even if you could just do
Speaker 2: twenty four hours of talking to yourself and looking at
Speaker 2: your life through your motivational message through your higher self,
Speaker 2: I feel, wow, I could accomplish so much.
Speaker 3: Yeah if I just lived up there.
Speaker 1: Oh god, yeah, so I have this great, great tool. Actually,
Speaker 1: So if we think about our higher self, like, what
Speaker 1: really is that higher self? For me. It's your most
Speaker 1: empowered self, It's the best you. And if you're struggling
Speaker 1: to kind of think about that version, what I would
Speaker 1: say is close your eyes and I want you to
Speaker 1: really think about you one year from now. And I
Speaker 1: want you to allow all your fears and doubts to
Speaker 1: just sit by the side like you don't need them now,
Speaker 1: set them aside for now, and I want you to imagine,
Speaker 1: one year from now, who is the best me that
Speaker 1: I could be? Who would I love to become? And
Speaker 1: really get to know that version of you? How would
Speaker 1: they walk into a room, how would they walk out
Speaker 1: of it? How do they feel about themselves? How do
Speaker 1: how do they interact with the people in their lives?
Speaker 1: How do they feel when they're at work? And you
Speaker 1: really start to get this really clear idea of who
Speaker 1: is the best you and that is your higher self?
Speaker 1: And then how do you start to bring that version
Speaker 1: of you to life day to day? While you can
Speaker 1: do it in every decision that you make, because from
Speaker 1: the minute we wake up to the minute we go
Speaker 1: to bed, we make hundreds thousands of decisions, and really
Speaker 1: our life is just a culmination of all the decisions
Speaker 1: that we make. Right the choices that we make, and
Speaker 1: before every decision, before every choice, I want everybody listening
Speaker 1: to just ask themselves one question, what would my higher
Speaker 1: self do? And I want you to, like you said,
Speaker 1: try one day living like this should I would they
Speaker 1: snooze their alarm? What would they eat for breakfast? Do
Speaker 1: they reply to this person? Do they say yes to
Speaker 1: this thing they don't want to do? How do they
Speaker 1: go into work? What's their body language like today?
Speaker 3: You know?
Speaker 1: And I think when you start to realize that actually
Speaker 1: your higher self already exists, you just need to bring
Speaker 1: that version of you to life. I think it can
Speaker 1: be so empowering.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that advice. It's it's yeah, it's such
Speaker 2: a it's simple. Well, we can all do it, and
Speaker 2: it is just practicing, it's rehearsing. I think we don't
Speaker 2: realize that we're all we've all been acting just with
Speaker 2: really negative lines, and we've learned them and rehearsed them
Speaker 2: for so long, and we've got to start acting like
Speaker 2: that higher self to access it. And that's what's so interesting.
Speaker 2: I love what you said that it's already there, but
Speaker 2: in order to access it, you have to act it.
Speaker 3: You have to be it.
Speaker 2: You have to live it, you have to practice it,
Speaker 2: and then you go, oh wow, I do have that ability. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it's what you were saying earlier, that if you went
Speaker 2: in and gave your presentation as if someone who was
Speaker 2: really comfortable, all of a sudden, you might actually notice
Speaker 2: you have other skills that you didn't even know you had. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and when you're being scared about oh am I funny
Speaker 2: enough or am I clever enough? For that just boils
Speaker 2: up everything else inside of you and dissipates. I wanted
Speaker 2: to skip to step three because I want to be able
Speaker 2: to read the book. The book's called Confidence, eight steps
Speaker 2: knowing your worth and picking my favorite steps, and I
Speaker 2: want you to get the book to read the steps
Speaker 2: in between. I love the step stop trying to be
Speaker 2: liked by everybody. My favorite this Yeah, this is my
Speaker 2: favorite step too, because it's such an addiction and I
Speaker 2: had it for such a long time and it of
Speaker 2: course we all still deal with it, so it's not
Speaker 2: like I'm beyond it at all, but I remember it
Speaker 2: having such a hold of my life that I couldn't
Speaker 2: be authentic. And that's what's so interesting is that we
Speaker 2: think that the people that are liked by everyone are authentic.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Sometimes the people who are liked by everyone are the
Speaker 2: people who tell you that they've just been wearing a
Speaker 2: mask and hiding their boundaries and ignoring their feelings about
Speaker 2: how they feel around people. And actually the person who
Speaker 2: says no, or the person who says I'm really sorry,
Speaker 2: I love you, but I can't make it, or the
Speaker 2: person who says, hey, I wish it could be there
Speaker 2: for you, but it's not possible, they're actually being honest
Speaker 2: and authentic because they're not bending and molding themselves to
Speaker 2: get you to like them. So when you say stop
Speaker 2: trying to be liked by everybody, you said stop trying
Speaker 2: to be like everyone you don't even like everyone.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I love that, Like, I was like, that's
Speaker 3: so good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was a quote I found on Instagram. I
Speaker 1: don't know who said it. Yeah, stop trying to be
Speaker 1: liked by everyone, you don't even like everyone. It's so good.
Speaker 1: It's how the step starts. And look this for me
Speaker 1: is I just love this step. It was the most
Speaker 1: liberating step in my own journey, and I think will
Speaker 1: also be for most people listening, because again, we talk
Speaker 1: about the barriers to confidence. So one is of course
Speaker 1: the inn a critic, right, that loud voice that is
Speaker 1: just telling you you're not good enough. That's stopping you
Speaker 1: from putting your best foot forward. But the other is
Speaker 1: this constant concern of what will someone else think? And
Speaker 1: this is holding us back in so many ways, whether
Speaker 1: it's creating people pleasing behavior, it's stopping ourselves, stopping us
Speaker 1: putting ourselves out there taking risks because we have fear
Speaker 1: of judgment and shame. You know, there's so many things
Speaker 1: that it's ruining for us, really, and so I've come
Speaker 1: up in the book with these four essential truths and
Speaker 1: I really love them, so I'm should we just go through?
Speaker 1: So the first essential truth is nobody is really thinking
Speaker 1: about us as much as we think they are. So
Speaker 1: there's this thing called the spotlight effect where we assume
Speaker 1: that people are perceiving our flaws as much as we are,
Speaker 1: but they're not. So let's say you have a spot
Speaker 1: on your face and you are convinced everybody's staring at
Speaker 1: it and they're probably just not. Or maybe you're in
Speaker 1: the gym and you do your workout wrong or you
Speaker 1: drop your weight and you think, oh my god, everyone
Speaker 1: has seen it again. They just don't. People don't perceive
Speaker 1: what you perceive. And I think that also, you know,
Speaker 1: when we're really honest with ourselves, nobody is tuning in
Speaker 1: to the next episode of your life. They just don't care.
Speaker 1: They really don't. And be comforted in that. You know,
Speaker 1: sometimes I see people on I don't I don't mean
Speaker 1: this in like a mean way, but people will say
Speaker 1: on Instagram and I'll see them apologizing like, oh, I'm
Speaker 1: so sorry, guys, so genuine apology. You know I haven't
Speaker 1: shown up online, and I'm like, you do not need
Speaker 1: to apologize. I'm certain no one noticed. And I don't
Speaker 1: mean that in a mean way. I mean, and give
Speaker 1: yourself a break. If you want to be offline, be offline,
Speaker 1: like you don't need to feel bad about it, Like,
Speaker 1: do that for yourself. So no one's really thinking about
Speaker 1: you as much as as we think they are. The
Speaker 1: second is you never really know what people are actually
Speaker 1: thinking of you. So I want to give you a
Speaker 1: quick story of this where this is when I first
Speaker 1: really realized this myself. So you're a public speaker, so
Speaker 1: you know that when you give performances on stage and
Speaker 1: people are listening to you. When people are listening and
Speaker 1: they're concentrating, they look like they are intensely bored or
Speaker 1: they hate your people's resting expressions are not warm in general.
Speaker 1: And when I first went on stage, it was my
Speaker 1: first ever workshop. I didn't know this, and so I
Speaker 1: went on stage and I was, you know, really nervous anyway,
Speaker 1: because I'd never done it before. I stepping outside my
Speaker 1: comfort zone. And I remember this particular woman and she
Speaker 1: was wearing this pink track suit and she honestly looked
Speaker 1: like I had just insulted her children, like she clearly
Speaker 1: couldn't stand me. And you know, we have a negative bias,
Speaker 1: and I was focusing my attention on this woman, and
Speaker 1: after the interval, I honestly couldn't believe that she'd come back.
Speaker 1: And anyway, I managed to get through the rest of
Speaker 1: the show. And that was an assassday. And on the Monday,
Speaker 1: I got an email and it said, Hierroxy, I came
Speaker 1: to your show. I absolutely loved it, and I was
Speaker 1: wondering if you did one to one coaching. I don't
Speaker 1: know if you remember me, but I was wearing the
Speaker 1: pink track suit aha, and I was like, ah, yes,
Speaker 1: you know, you really never know what somebody is thinking.
Speaker 1: And I think that we can take someone's let's say
Speaker 1: they're directing an email or they don't reply to a
Speaker 1: What I mean, how many people listening have had their
Speaker 1: friends not message them back and they're convinced they hate
Speaker 1: them or have I done wrong and then only for
Speaker 1: them to be like, oh god, sorry I was so busy,
Speaker 1: or sorry this happened. You know, we just really never know,
Speaker 1: and so let's just stop putting narratives that put ourselves
Speaker 1: in this kind of disadvantage.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's fascinating to hear that. The first step is
Speaker 2: no one's really thinking about you, yeah, and the second
Speaker 2: is you.
Speaker 3: Have no idea what they are thinking. Yeah. Brilliant, and
Speaker 3: it reminded me.
Speaker 2: I remember when I was at university, we were learning
Speaker 2: a case study about the acrobatics and performance company circ Disilay.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I love it. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So for anyone who's seen Circuit's this crazy like jumping
Speaker 2: through fire hoops, dancing acrobatics, like spinning around on a
Speaker 2: you know, something suspended from the air, like it's unbelievable,
Speaker 2: and they would go and travel across the world and
Speaker 2: they'd have acrobats from all over the world. Whenever they'd
Speaker 2: perform in America, when they'd do a triple flip and
Speaker 2: fall through a hoop of fire and land on their feet,
Speaker 2: the audience.
Speaker 3: Would go bel like they would.
Speaker 2: Be like cheering and like, you know, just like full on,
Speaker 2: just like pandemonium, right, the audience would go crazy. And
Speaker 2: then when they'd go to Asia, the audience would just
Speaker 2: do a small tap in their hands. And so this
Speaker 2: person's just like literally jumped through three hoops of fire,
Speaker 2: a triple backflip, like done the most crazy thing, and
Speaker 2: they get this small tap. And they found that their
Speaker 2: acrobats would get really like you were saying in your
Speaker 2: own they would get really self conscious and think they
Speaker 2: did a bad job. So they'd go to circ and
Speaker 2: be like I think I did really bad today, Like
Speaker 2: I don't think we did a good job today. They'd
Speaker 2: get really disheartened. Their performance would lack the next day.
Speaker 2: So CIRQ started engaging I don't know if they still
Speaker 2: do this, but at the time they started engaging companies
Speaker 2: to train them in how different cultures show praise. Wow,
Speaker 2: because all cultures show praise differently. So some parts of
Speaker 2: Asia they loved it, but the way they showed praise
Speaker 2: was more muted, whereas in America the way they shoul
Speaker 2: praise was really big and bold. And obviously the UK
Speaker 2: would show praise different in Europe would. And so this
Speaker 2: idea also of just like this woman in this pink,
Speaker 2: pink sweatsuit.
Speaker 1: But it's also exactly what we were saying before about
Speaker 1: how encouragement helps you perform better. Yes, so the fact
Speaker 1: that they their you know, acrobatics was kind of deteriorating
Speaker 1: slightly because they weren't getting the encouragement that they needed.
Speaker 1: And I think we naturally need encouragement and that needs
Speaker 1: to start with ourselves.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, exactly, and I think we all know that.
Speaker 2: We all know the days also just to show how
Speaker 2: external validation also doesn't carry us and what you're saying
Speaker 2: about the voice in your head. We all know days
Speaker 2: where everyone keeps telling you you're amazing and you don't
Speaker 2: feel it. Ye, it doesn't matter how many people tell
Speaker 2: you you look amazing, you feel amazing, you're doing amazing
Speaker 2: when you don't feel it, because when you don't feel it,
Speaker 2: all of that just doesn't matter. But then when you
Speaker 2: feel it inside, even if someone said, you didn't do amazing,
Speaker 2: you can still feel confident in yourself.
Speaker 1: So the third truth is you can't please all the
Speaker 1: people all the time. My mom used to say that
Speaker 1: to me growing up. And when I first started getting
Speaker 1: into this work, I remember thinking, you know, I was
Speaker 1: a self confessed addict a year ago, and now I'm
Speaker 1: trying to speak about self development, like who is gonna
Speaker 1: like what are people going to think? They're going to
Speaker 1: think I'm a joke, Like, they're not going to take
Speaker 1: me seriously, They're going to think I'm too young, They're
Speaker 1: going to think this or that. And I remember finding
Speaker 1: it really challenging because you know, it was stopping me
Speaker 1: doing what I really wanted to pursue. And then I
Speaker 1: thought about the people that inspired me, whether that was
Speaker 1: you know, Brene Brown, Tony Robbins, you you know, all
Speaker 1: these amazing celebrities I followed, whatever, and I thought, you
Speaker 1: know what, of all those people, there are loads of
Speaker 1: people who all so share my admiration and you know,
Speaker 1: love and you know and all of that, but equally
Speaker 1: there are also people that don't. And then I thought, well, wait,
Speaker 1: that's true for everyone I know that famous or not famous,
Speaker 1: there are people that like them and people that just don't.
Speaker 1: They just don't get them. And for me, I suddenly
Speaker 1: realize like nobody on Earth is universally liked nobody, And
Speaker 1: that was so freeing because I was like, oh, Okay, well,
Speaker 1: I don't need to keep trying. I don't need to
Speaker 1: be in pursuit of this thing, which is that everybody
Speaker 1: will like me. I just want and I hear that
Speaker 1: a lot from people. I just want everyone to like me.
Speaker 1: Really yeah, And I think it's something that I hear
Speaker 1: people say time and time again. It's like, soon you
Speaker 1: realize that that's never going to happen, the better look,
Speaker 1: and so really, I think the best thing you can
Speaker 1: do is just be who you like, whilst respecting and
Speaker 1: being a kind, you know, human, but know that there's
Speaker 1: never going to be an opportunity for you to be
Speaker 1: everybody's cup of tea, right, And then that kind of
Speaker 1: brings me to the fourth truth, which is it's not personal.
Speaker 1: And the way I think of it is like this,
Speaker 1: everything in the universe is energy, and we are all
Speaker 1: energy too, and we have all met thousands of people
Speaker 1: in our lifetime, and aren't there just a few that
Speaker 1: you just clicked with instantly, like you couldn't say why,
Speaker 1: you just felt this instant bond, this connection. And probably
Speaker 1: most people listening will have someone in their life that
Speaker 1: they can say, I have no idea why we're friends.
Speaker 1: I have no idea why we're together. We just click,
Speaker 1: but we're so different in every way. And for me,
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, it's energy, and just in the way
Speaker 1: that there are people that you absolutely just click with
Speaker 1: and you can't say why. There are people that you
Speaker 1: just don't energetically, you just don't vibe. And you might
Speaker 1: have a friend that has another friend and you meet
Speaker 1: them for the first time and you're like, what were they?
Speaker 1: What are they? Start statura as first for right, and
Speaker 1: when you see things as energy, you are so much
Speaker 1: more able to stop taking it personally. It's not if
Speaker 1: you don't get on with someone, it's not about you,
Speaker 1: and it's not about then you're just not the right match.
Speaker 1: And this is so helpful in all situations in our life,
Speaker 1: whether it's at work, because there will be some colleagues
Speaker 1: you get on with, some you don't. You just rob
Speaker 1: each other the wrong way. But it's also so good
Speaker 1: with dating. So for people who are dating who you
Speaker 1: know when you go in too dating? I mean, dating
Speaker 1: is so triggering anyway on our confidence and self worth.
Speaker 1: But you know, it's so when we go into dates,
Speaker 1: we always go in with this mindset of you know,
Speaker 1: I really hope they like me right. And I always
Speaker 1: think you should actually be going in and saying, I
Speaker 1: really hope I like them right. But if it doesn't
Speaker 1: work out, if there isn't a second date, it's so
Speaker 1: easy for us to just go what was wrong with me?
Speaker 1: And it's said, I just want people to adopt this
Speaker 1: mentality of it just wasn't an energetic face, It's just
Speaker 1: not personal, And I think it's just so helpful to
Speaker 1: adopt that mindset.
Speaker 2: What's the difference between people pleasing and making people happy?
Speaker 1: Wanting to make people happy and to bring happiness into
Speaker 1: people's lives is full of I think it comes from
Speaker 1: It can come from a confident place, a place of
Speaker 1: I have so much love that I want to share
Speaker 1: it with the people around me, So it comes from
Speaker 1: a place of worth, whereas people pleasing actually comes from
Speaker 1: a place of low self worth. People pleasing is I
Speaker 1: have to please others because I'm not worthy of putting myself. First.
Speaker 1: I have to please others because I need them to
Speaker 1: like me. I have to please others because I need
Speaker 1: to I need to be enough. And so I think, yeah,
Speaker 1: I think making people happy can come comes from a
Speaker 1: place of worth, and people pleasing comes from a lack
Speaker 1: of self worth.
Speaker 3: That's so good.
Speaker 2: That's such a great answer, because I think sometimes we think, oh,
Speaker 2: I'm just not going to care what anyone thinks. Yeah,
Speaker 2: And I always hear both, right, You hear one end
Speaker 2: of the spectrum. It's like, I wish everyone liked me.
Speaker 2: The other end is well, I don't care what anyone thinks.
Speaker 2: And I'm like, well, neither of those are real or true,
Speaker 2: because you can't just not care. If everyone just didn't
Speaker 2: care what anyone thought, by the way, there'd be no
Speaker 2: need for art or music or philosophy or anything because
Speaker 2: we wouldn't care what anyone thought. So no one would
Speaker 2: listen to this podcast, and no one would read a
Speaker 2: book ever, no one would watch a movie because we
Speaker 2: don't care what anyone thinks. Yeah, and no one would
Speaker 2: ever do that for us, so we'd lose so much connection.
Speaker 2: So caring is important. But I love what you said
Speaker 2: about how when it's really about making people happy, it's
Speaker 2: actually about them. And when it's about people pleasing, it's
Speaker 2: all about you and it was never about them. You're
Speaker 2: doing that so that they think you're a nice person,
Speaker 2: whereas when you're just trying to make someone happy, it's
Speaker 2: because you're nice who you are or your kind, and
Speaker 2: that's who you are, and it says so much more
Speaker 2: about who you are and how you want to live.
Speaker 2: And when I think about this idea of being liked
Speaker 2: by everybody, there's also a part of us roxy that
Speaker 2: doesn't want that friction.
Speaker 3: A lot of it's just conflict.
Speaker 2: Avoidance, where we want people to like us, not because
Speaker 2: we so need them to like us, but because we
Speaker 2: just don't want to.
Speaker 3: Have friction with anyone.
Speaker 2: And what you said, which I appreciate, is actually it's
Speaker 2: about energy, and there's so much if you if everyone
Speaker 2: liked you and you liked everyone, they would not be
Speaker 2: that special friend, They would not be that loving partner.
Speaker 2: There wouldn't be that memory that you have in a
Speaker 2: sibling or someone because if you liked everyone and everyone
Speaker 2: liked you, you didn't get that magic.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so true. Love you said it.
Speaker 3: The energy you said about energy made me think of it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like there are you said there were certain people
Speaker 2: you just click with you it makes that person so special.
Speaker 2: If you ever liked you and you liked everyone, know that
Speaker 2: they're just another person.
Speaker 1: It's such I love the way you've just phrased it, Like,
Speaker 1: because everything you need, you need duality in life, Like
Speaker 1: we need challenges and dark days so we appreciate the
Speaker 1: good days. We were talking earlier about habituation, right, how
Speaker 1: we become desensitized to things, and if we just got
Speaker 1: on with everyone in our life, we would be desensitized
Speaker 1: to the feeling of getting on with people. So it's
Speaker 1: like you need to have people that you maybe don't
Speaker 1: vibe the most with exactly as you say, to really
Speaker 1: appreciate the ones you do.
Speaker 2: Yeah, to really experience the magic of connection. Oh yeah,
Speaker 2: we have something special, Like you would never say that. Yes,
Speaker 2: if everyone liked you and you liked everyone.
Speaker 3: You can never say we have something special.
Speaker 1: Yes. It's like, okay, if you date someone, I was
Speaker 1: just thinking an Aquarius specifically, but no, there are some
Speaker 1: people Okay, forget the date thing, but there are some
Speaker 1: people people who are just friends with everyone you know
Speaker 1: and I know people like this who are such social butterflies,
Speaker 1: but they don't have those one or two really special
Speaker 1: and deep connections. And I wonder if that's kind of
Speaker 1: part of the same thing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, because they get along with everyone, yes, relationship, Yeah,
Speaker 2: and it doesn't it doesn't feel you, It doesn't feel you. Well,
Speaker 2: I was going to ask you about that though, for
Speaker 2: those of us who just don't want conflict and you
Speaker 2: just don't want to get into it, someone like, oh,
Speaker 2: why can't we just have peace? And like everyone, how
Speaker 2: do you deal with that rejection, that conflict, that feeling
Speaker 2: of that person doesn't like me.
Speaker 3: What do you do with that?
Speaker 2: Because of course there is a feeling of I feel rejected,
Speaker 2: I feel outed, they didn't invite me.
Speaker 3: What do you do with that?
Speaker 1: I think it just comes down to acceptance, like that
Speaker 1: kind of idea of radical acceptance, right, because I think that, yes,
Speaker 1: rejection is hard, right, and it's challenging, and it tests
Speaker 1: the foundation of our confidence, right because it's really you know,
Speaker 1: it's it's a horrible thing to experience and everybody's gone
Speaker 1: through it. But I truly believe that you can learn
Speaker 1: to deal with rejection in a way that doesn't lead
Speaker 1: to this like great discomfort. And I think you can
Speaker 1: deal with somebody just not really liking you without it
Speaker 1: becoming something that you constantly overthink or ruminate on. And
Speaker 1: that just comes from this mindset of it doesn't make
Speaker 1: it about me. I can't really know what really is
Speaker 1: going on for them. And there's that I can't remember
Speaker 1: what the quote is you might remember about how our perceptions,
Speaker 1: what people think of us is not really to do
Speaker 1: with us. It's to do with them. It's their own experiences,
Speaker 1: their own wounds, their own you know, all their past things,
Speaker 1: and you know, perhaps you remind them of someone in
Speaker 1: their life that hurt them in the past. Like there's
Speaker 1: just so many different factors to us to it. Like
Speaker 1: I said earlier, that thing to do with us, and
Speaker 1: so it's just its acceptance. It's also not making it
Speaker 1: things can you cannot get on with someone and it
Speaker 1: not needs to be an argument, and it not need
Speaker 1: to be a big thing, and it not need to
Speaker 1: mean anything. And I think sometimes we just try too
Speaker 1: hard to attach meaning to everything.
Speaker 2: You reminded me of that principle from the Buddha. That's
Speaker 2: the second arrow, which is the first arrow, is the
Speaker 2: rejection or the conflict that hurts. But the second arrow
Speaker 2: is the one you shoot it yourself because you're adding
Speaker 2: meaning to that first arrow. So you got rejected, but
Speaker 2: your takeaway of the second arrow is because I'm not
Speaker 2: good enough, when really the reason was they were projecting
Speaker 2: passed on to you. They were projecting a wound onto you.
Speaker 2: They were just busy, they were tired, they were exhausted.
Speaker 2: There's a million reasons, and like you said, you're never
Speaker 2: going to figure it out. And so you can play
Speaker 2: Sherlock Homes and play investigator and try and figure out
Speaker 2: the detective version, but you still will never be satisfied
Speaker 2: with the answer. And so the Buddha says, don't fire
Speaker 2: that second arrow because the first arrow you weren't in
Speaker 2: charge of, but the second arrow you were, And that
Speaker 2: second arrow is just your story, your meaning, which you're
Speaker 2: just making up. Yeah, and we become the best fiction writers, yes,
Speaker 2: when it's writing the nightmare version of why this happened?
Speaker 1: Totally, we're constantly filling in the blanks of stories that
Speaker 1: don't exist. I said recently on my by the Way,
Speaker 1: that was such a beautiful story. I mean that I
Speaker 1: illustrated it so well, but I was saying, I've did
Speaker 1: a Poston Instagram the other day, Like, you know, when
Speaker 1: you're walking behind someone and your mind has created a
Speaker 1: picture of what they look like, and when they turn around,
Speaker 1: you're like, oh my god, they look so different to
Speaker 1: what I thought. But it's just a really clear reminder
Speaker 1: that our minds are just constantly creating these stories and
Speaker 1: these narratives and these images that aren't based on reality.
Speaker 1: They are based on so many other things that are
Speaker 1: not that stop us from being truly objective and so
Speaker 1: really understanding that you cannot trust your stories, your thoughts.
Speaker 1: You know, it's I think, really powerful.
Speaker 3: I've been asking you these questions, You've been nailing the answers.
Speaker 3: I'm asking you more of these.
Speaker 1: Honestly, you ask me such different questions. It's so great.
Speaker 1: You really push me to think about confidence differently. I really, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's really great. Thank you.
Speaker 2: No, but you've done the work and that's why we
Speaker 2: can go everywhere like it's a time for me because
Speaker 2: I want people to read the book and they're going
Speaker 2: to find the great eight steps in the book, and
Speaker 2: the advice is so and you've got you know, the affirmations,
Speaker 2: you've got journaling prompts, Like you're giving so many practical tips.
Speaker 2: But I think this conversation is like really trying to
Speaker 2: figure out, like what are we struggling with? And I
Speaker 2: want to ask you, what's the How do we stop
Speaker 2: thinking that everything's our fault and still take responsibility to
Speaker 2: make changes. I think where we get caught is when
Speaker 2: someone breaks up with you. You think I was all
Speaker 2: my fault. If I did this, they would have stayed.
Speaker 2: If I changed, they would still be here. Oh if
Speaker 2: I planned that birthday, they'd still be in my life.
Speaker 2: And we make it all our fault, which isn't the
Speaker 2: case because it's always.
Speaker 3: A two way thing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but sometimes if we don't think anything's our fault,
Speaker 2: then we don't take responsibility. So how do you stop
Speaker 2: thinking everything's your fault but still take responsibility?
Speaker 1: I think this comes down to, like there's so I
Speaker 1: think there's so many things involved in this. I think
Speaker 1: one actually doesn't come from anything personal, but it's more
Speaker 1: about this trust, being able to have a full trust
Speaker 1: in divine timing and a full trust that your life
Speaker 1: is unfolding the way that it's opposed to. Because in
Speaker 1: that sense, when something like this happens when someone breaks
Speaker 1: up with you, when you lose the job. When whatever
Speaker 1: it is, actually, if you have a deep connection to
Speaker 1: a greater power, whatever that is, it might be God.
Speaker 1: For me, it's just the universe and the energy and
Speaker 1: power the universe might be a spiritual realm, whatever it is.
Speaker 1: When you have a deep connection to that, you are
Speaker 1: able to surrender to things with such greater ease and resilience.
Speaker 1: And step four of my manifest book has overcome tests
Speaker 1: from the universe, and that really is all about being
Speaker 1: able to persist through challenges. And it's done with a
Speaker 1: knowing that there is always reward on the other side.
Speaker 1: And so with that overall mindset, you are able I think,
Speaker 1: to attach less meaning, like we spoke about before, to
Speaker 1: these things that happened to us. But I think that
Speaker 1: equally when it comes to being able to how do
Speaker 1: we take responsibility for the things that we need to
Speaker 1: I think that comes from getting to know ourselves. It
Speaker 1: comes from self awareness. I think it comes from a
Speaker 1: genuine desire to be the best version of ourselves that
Speaker 1: we can be. And I think that it comes from
Speaker 1: you know, when we talk about confidence and why confidence
Speaker 1: impacts every area of our lives. It's a kind of
Speaker 1: I feel like confidence plays into everything. So actually, the
Speaker 1: more confident we are, the less that we're going to
Speaker 1: blame ourselves for things, and the more willing we're going
Speaker 1: to be to be able to actually say, hey, you know,
Speaker 1: in a compassionate way, Hey, you know what, let mean
Speaker 1: to see, what are the things that I could have
Speaker 1: changed here? What can I take responsibility for? And I'm
Speaker 1: going to let go of the things that I can't.
Speaker 1: How can I be better? But how can I also
Speaker 1: accept the situation as it is? And so I think
Speaker 1: there's this like fine balance between it and I think
Speaker 1: that God, I just I'm so passionate about talking to people,
Speaker 1: whether it's about manifesting, but especially about confidence, because I
Speaker 1: just know how many people listening are having those thoughts
Speaker 1: that you've just mentioned where they think, I just if
Speaker 1: I had done things differently, and they live in that regret,
Speaker 1: in that shame, in that guilt, and I think those
Speaker 1: are such overpowering emotions that really infiltrate every part of
Speaker 1: our lives. Kind of they're like silently they're just bringing
Speaker 1: us down. And you know, it's and like we said earlier,
Speaker 1: you know it's exhausting.
Speaker 2: So yeah, so you've laid out these eight steps really
Speaker 2: simply for people to follow, and as I was reading them,
Speaker 2: I was thinking, but that's not what we do to
Speaker 2: become more confident. So I think a lot of people think,
Speaker 2: when I become rich, I'll be confident. But what's interesting
Speaker 2: is you can be rich and insecure. People think, when
Speaker 2: I become famous, I'll be confident. But you can be
Speaker 2: famous and insecure. People think, when I become a successful entrepreneur,
Speaker 2: when I get this promotion, when I get married, when
Speaker 2: I get through this, then I'll be confident. But you
Speaker 2: can be all of those things and still insecure because
Speaker 2: those things don't take away in security.
Speaker 3: These things do.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean spoiler alert. My eight steps is not
Speaker 1: get married, get rich, get famous.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I think our brain makes us believe those
Speaker 2: other things.
Speaker 1: Yes, absolutely, And I think you know, I'm so glad
Speaker 1: you brought this up because you know, the work in manifestation, right,
Speaker 1: I think, is all about goals. It's about getting to
Speaker 1: a place. And I actually had to put a disclaimer
Speaker 1: on this because I realized that what people were doing
Speaker 1: is they were expecting that happiness, confidence, joy would be
Speaker 1: found at the end of this goal, right, so exactly
Speaker 1: as you say, I will be happy when I get
Speaker 1: this promotion, when I have this many followers, when I'm
Speaker 1: in a relationship. And what I started to really realize
Speaker 1: that I needed to share with people is that reaching
Speaker 1: those goals is never going to make you happy. And
Speaker 1: we know this because we know how many successful, famous
Speaker 1: people are deeply unhappy. And what I realized was, Okay,
Speaker 1: how can I try and explain to people that how
Speaker 1: can I get people to have a goal to stay
Speaker 1: motivated because we need something to work towards for our
Speaker 1: mental health, we need to be moving forward. How can
Speaker 1: I get people to find this balance between moving towards
Speaker 1: something but not expecting happiness at the goal. And I
Speaker 1: realized that it all came down to an emotional attachment.
Speaker 1: People think I will be enough when, I will be valued,
Speaker 1: when I will be loved when And that's why the
Speaker 1: work of confidence is so important, because actually, what you
Speaker 1: realize is you need to feel loved now, you need
Speaker 1: to feel valued now, you need to feel worthy now
Speaker 1: so that when you get the goal, when you get
Speaker 1: the thing, you can enjoy it, because if you don't,
Speaker 1: you'll still be miserable.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it's so well said. Roxy.
Speaker 2: Did you ever feel you did something that you think
Speaker 2: would make you confiordt, but then didn't make you feel
Speaker 2: confident in your own journey?
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, many many times. So I have been on
Speaker 1: a very real and profound journey of my own confidence.
Speaker 1: And I don't even know where to start with it. Really.
Speaker 1: It's I remember the first time I looked in the
Speaker 1: mirror when I was seven years old, and I remember
Speaker 1: it so distinctly and looking and just thinking I am
Speaker 1: so ugly, like really ugly, like monstrous. And throughout my
Speaker 1: childhood I really held on to this belief that I
Speaker 1: was just hideous. And at this time when you're a
Speaker 1: young child and you're kind of learning your place in
Speaker 1: the world and forming the beliefs about you, know who
Speaker 1: you are, what I was seeing was that I was
Speaker 1: rejected by my peers. I was I felt very alone
Speaker 1: all the time, and the people that were popular and
Speaker 1: loved were people that were beautiful, and the girls had
Speaker 1: blonde hair and blue eyes, and not the girls that
Speaker 1: looked like me. And I don't even know where to
Speaker 1: begin with this whole journey. I never felt worthy and
Speaker 1: I never felt enough, and I think my self loathing
Speaker 1: was so so extreme, and I learned to cope with
Speaker 1: the extremity of my inner critic and my feelings of
Speaker 1: low self worth with coping mechanisms like controlling my eating,
Speaker 1: which then turned to alcohol, which then became drugs, and
Speaker 1: I was addict and went to my first NA Narcotics
Speaker 1: Anonymous meeting when I was twenty one. I continued through
Speaker 1: my addiction until I was twenty eight, and a big
Speaker 1: part of what I was so addicted to was this
Speaker 1: false feeling of confidence, something I had never had. But obviously,
Speaker 1: when i'd come down from that, the self loathing would
Speaker 1: come to the surface again, and I always felt sort
Speaker 1: of quite disgusted by myself, but I would say it
Speaker 1: was like a bubbling thing because I had the drugs
Speaker 1: to constantly offset it. But when I felt pregnant when
Speaker 1: I was twenty eight, I had to stop all the
Speaker 1: drugs very suddenly, and so I was dealing with kind
Speaker 1: of all the pain that I was running from. And
Speaker 1: what really came to light in this time, and I
Speaker 1: didn't know what it was then but I do know now,
Speaker 1: was a very very severe body dysmorphia disorder. So at
Speaker 1: this time I head through my pregnancy. I gained sort
Speaker 1: of five stone. I was binge eating. But from almost
Speaker 1: within like a week of finding out I was pregnant
Speaker 1: and giving everything up, I became very, very fixated on
Speaker 1: how disgusting my face was. And it's really hard to
Speaker 1: describe how loud and how revolted I felt by myself.
Speaker 1: It's a revulsion. Imagine something that you see, maybe you're
Speaker 1: squeamish when it comes to surgery, and you see something
Speaker 1: come up on Instagram and you just get that feeling
Speaker 1: of disgust. That was how I felt when I looked
Speaker 1: in the mirror. And I eventually got to a point
Speaker 1: where I stopped leaving the house. I wouldn't see anybody
Speaker 1: because I thought I was too grotesque to be loved
Speaker 1: at Yes, while I was pregnant, and this was like
Speaker 1: a really dark time of my life anyway, and then
Speaker 1: after I was pregnant, let's fast forward. The self loathing
Speaker 1: is just there. It's a constant thing, this lack of
Speaker 1: self worth. And then we come into COVID and suddenly
Speaker 1: you're interacting with people on camera a lot, and this
Speaker 1: kind of my BDD, which I didn't know what it
Speaker 1: was at the time became uncontrollable, as in every I'm
Speaker 1: at this point working through my career, so I had
Speaker 1: started doing workshops, and then at the beginning of COVID,
Speaker 1: I started doing webinars. For two years, I did webinars
Speaker 1: every month, and I did them all with my camera off.
Speaker 1: So I don't know if anybody ever knew that that
Speaker 1: was why. I think. I used to say that it
Speaker 1: was because, like I thought it would be a better
Speaker 1: experience for listen to listen, which in part is true.
Speaker 1: I feel like when you're listening to a podcast, you concentrate,
Speaker 1: But really it was because I thought that if I
Speaker 1: had my camera on, people would be too revolted by
Speaker 1: my face and that it would discuss them the way
Speaker 1: that it disgusted me. And I never would never ever
Speaker 1: show my face online unless I had a filter on it.
Speaker 1: And I thought this was normal. I thought I was
Speaker 1: just really self conscious and that I just didn't have
Speaker 1: good self esteem. And I thought, it's just because I
Speaker 1: need to change my face. I just need to do something,
Speaker 1: and if I just looked different, then I wouldn't feel
Speaker 1: this way. If it was felt kind of almost simple
Speaker 1: to me. It's like, yeah, I hate myself, but this
Speaker 1: is why. And so in twenty twenty one, I had
Speaker 1: had chronic sinusitists for years because of the drug use,
Speaker 1: and I had to have an operation on my sinuses
Speaker 1: and I was like, great, this is my opportunity. And
Speaker 1: actually I'd never considered having a rhinoplacity BEFO before, but
Speaker 1: as soon as I knew I had to have an
Speaker 1: operation in my nose, I was like, oh, yes, I
Speaker 1: can change the shape of my nose and then finally
Speaker 1: I won't have this like voice in my head. So
Speaker 1: I had a rhinoplasty, thinking this is going to be
Speaker 1: the thing that changes me. And I think a lot
Speaker 1: of people will relate to this or who have had surgery,
Speaker 1: thinking it's going to change the way you feel about yourself.
Speaker 1: And after the surgery, I realized I felt exactly the
Speaker 1: same and if not worse. And at this time I
Speaker 1: start going into this work, this line of work. I
Speaker 1: start showing up because I want to spread my message
Speaker 1: and I start having to be in front of cameras
Speaker 1: and it was it's I don't even I'm so sorry
Speaker 1: because you know, I've never spoken about this properly, and
Speaker 1: it's like really hard to explain. I was convinced, even
Speaker 1: after I'd had the rhino classity, I was so convinced
Speaker 1: that I was just too disgusting to be looked at,
Speaker 1: and that everybody that would meet me would just be
Speaker 1: thinking about how ugly I was. So then twenty twenty two, Manifest,
Speaker 1: my first book, comes out, and I'm obviously so passionate.
Speaker 1: This is my purpose. My purpose is to use all
Speaker 1: the pain that I've been through in my life to
Speaker 1: try and you know, inspire others and hopefully help other people.
Speaker 1: And so I have this real desire to help and
Speaker 1: share my message and to talk about it, and that
Speaker 1: means going on you know, get if I take, get
Speaker 1: the opportunity to go on TV, go on podcasts, but
Speaker 1: for and I was so determined that I was not
Speaker 1: going to let this horrible monster in my mind stop
Speaker 1: me from, you know, doing the things that I wanted
Speaker 1: to do to fulfill my purpose. But it was excruciating.
Speaker 1: So every single time I would go on camera of
Speaker 1: any sort, I would have a panic before, then I'd
Speaker 1: be fine during, and then I'd have a panic attack after.
Speaker 1: I mean, the first time I sat in this chair,
Speaker 1: just before coming, I had a full blown panic attack.
Speaker 1: Could it was just and it all came from this,
Speaker 1: and I feel so much. The reason I've never spoken
Speaker 1: about this is because there is so much shame around
Speaker 1: what I'm about to talk about, I think for loads
Speaker 1: of people who have experienced it. But I had this
Speaker 1: real obsession of thinking that I was just too disgusting
Speaker 1: to be seen. And it just came out all the time,
Speaker 1: and my team around me could see how real this was.
Speaker 1: It wasn't just oh, I'm feeling, Oh I don't look
Speaker 1: so good today, and then you just kind of get
Speaker 1: on with your day. It was more than that. It
Speaker 1: was this all consuming, ruminating thought of disgust, revulsion, ugly, horrible,
Speaker 1: nobody should look at me. And eventually somebody said to me,
Speaker 1: I think you have BDD body dysmorphia disorder. I didn't
Speaker 1: know what it was, and I thought that if I did,
Speaker 1: surely that must be about your body. Well it doesn't.
Speaker 1: Body dysmorphia disorder, and BDD can be about your face.
Speaker 1: It can be about your body. And what it is
Speaker 1: is a form of OCD. It's it's an anxiety disorder,
Speaker 1: which is a form of OCD. So it's like an
Speaker 1: obsessive compulsion thinking that is kind of comes with a
Speaker 1: checking behavior or some behavior of sorce. So for some
Speaker 1: people that might be mirror shaking, might be comparing photos,
Speaker 1: it might be asking for reassurance. And it is no
Speaker 1: different to somebody having an obsessive thought about you know,
Speaker 1: have they turned the light switches off? Or something bad
Speaker 1: is going to happen if I don't do the switches
Speaker 1: three times. So it's the same pattern of behavior in
Speaker 1: your mind, but it's to do with the way that
Speaker 1: you look, so becoming obsessed with a perceived flaw and
Speaker 1: thinking that it's really noticeable to other people, and it's
Speaker 1: so incredibly damaging to one's way of life. And something
Speaker 1: that's really hard with BDD is nobody wants to talk
Speaker 1: about it because it seems and I have been so
Speaker 1: afraid to talk about it, and even now I'm thinking, like,
Speaker 1: should I be talking about this, because there is it
Speaker 1: feels like it's just about vanity, and I see why
Speaker 1: it seems like that, but it's so much more. It
Speaker 1: is this deep belief that you are so unworthy and
Speaker 1: unlovable because of your appearance, and a lot of people
Speaker 1: that have BDD will do everything on the outside to
Speaker 1: fix it in the way that I did. You know,
Speaker 1: have a rhinoplasty, have botox, have filler, whatever it is.
Speaker 1: But when you realize that you're left with the same
Speaker 1: thought patterns, you realize that it's not about what's on
Speaker 1: the outside. You can try and change something, but unless
Speaker 1: you do the work within, nothing is going to help you.
Speaker 1: And realizing that I had an anxiety disorder was very
Speaker 1: helpful for me. I realized that it wasn't that I
Speaker 1: was just I realized then that there was something I
Speaker 1: could do. I could find methods to help, whether that
Speaker 1: was CBET and actually, and I've never shared this and
Speaker 1: didn't think I ever would, but I actually went on medication,
Speaker 1: on anti anxiety medication. It's medication that's used often for
Speaker 1: lots of different things, depression, OCD and severe anxiety. But
Speaker 1: because I paired that with all this work, it was
Speaker 1: absolutely life changing for me. And the way I can
Speaker 1: describe the last the two years when I've kind of
Speaker 1: like started being on camera to you know, getting to
Speaker 1: a point where I finally felt more comfortable I could
Speaker 1: manage it better, is like every time I is like
Speaker 1: asking somebody with an eating disorder sit down and eat
Speaker 1: this cake. That is the only way I can describe
Speaker 1: it to somebody is it's such an overwhelming experience, and
Speaker 1: you know, it influences every oere of your life, your friendships,
Speaker 1: you're socializing, your dating life, everything. And now I've found
Speaker 1: so and I only the only reason I'm sharing this really?
Speaker 1: Why am I sharing this now? Firstly, I think probably
Speaker 1: just because it's still a part of my life, and
Speaker 1: so I think that, like I had a really I
Speaker 1: still get a lot of flare ups when I'm tired,
Speaker 1: when I'm stressed, it will come up. So yesterday, for example,
Speaker 1: I was doing all these amazing things here in La
Speaker 1: but in my head, I was like, I just completely
Speaker 1: reverted back to my old thought patterns. I'm revolting, I'm disgusting.
Speaker 1: And it's weird because I never have these thoughts about
Speaker 1: anyone else. I don't care about how anyone looks. I've
Speaker 1: never thought if only they looked better. Oh God, I
Speaker 1: feel really nervous about talking about this. I just don't
Speaker 1: know if it sounds Oh, it's really hard.
Speaker 3: It is.
Speaker 2: Please When anyone shares something that they've been struggling with,
Speaker 2: to me, shows one of the greatest expressions of confidence,
Speaker 2: because it's so hard to talk about it because you
Speaker 2: know that people are going to have their opinions, you
Speaker 2: have your own judgments of it, you're still naturally dealing
Speaker 2: with it as we all are. So I firstally just
Speaker 2: want to thank you for being so confident in actually
Speaker 2: sharing it, because I don't think you could do that
Speaker 2: if you weren't working on your inner self, because that's
Speaker 2: the hardest part, really is admitting out loud to yourself
Speaker 2: that this is what I'm going through and this is
Speaker 2: where I'm at. So just thank you for your vulnerability
Speaker 2: and confidence.
Speaker 1: Thank you. I really appreciate that.
Speaker 2: Because that's the hardest thing. I remember coaching a leader
Speaker 2: and they'd been going through a lot of anxiety. This
Speaker 2: is a CEO of a company with half a million employees,
Speaker 2: and they were going through so much anxiety and stress
Speaker 2: in their personal life and everything was falling apart. At
Speaker 2: the same time, this company's doing exceptionally well. And while
Speaker 2: they were going through it, at one point when they
Speaker 2: were better versed and being able to explain it, like
Speaker 2: I think you explained BDD so well as to someone
Speaker 2: who doesn't know much about it, I said, I encourage them,
Speaker 2: I said maybe you should tell your team, your EXAC team,
Speaker 2: your leaders so that they're aware. And they said to me,
Speaker 2: they said, how can I tell them? I said, what
Speaker 2: do you mean? They said, well, if I tell them,
Speaker 2: they're going to think I'm weak. And I said, no,
Speaker 2: I think when you tell them, they're going to realize
Speaker 2: you're strong, because they're all dealing with similar things and
Speaker 2: they're scared of telling you because they don't think you
Speaker 2: know what they're going through. And so I think they're
Speaker 2: going to be so many people listening right now who
Speaker 2: go roxy thank you for saying that, because I just
Speaker 2: assumed you have it perfect and your life's perfect, and
Speaker 2: you're so confident, and actually you're showing me that what
Speaker 2: you said earlier, that you can be a masterpiece and
Speaker 2: a work in progress all at the same time, is
Speaker 2: actually what we're all dealing with. And as soon as
Speaker 2: we believe someone is fully confident, that doesn't fully help us,
Speaker 2: because then we're always measuring ourselves, thinking why am I
Speaker 2: not there? And when we realize, oh, everyone's healing, there's
Speaker 2: no one who's healed, then as long as I'm healing,
Speaker 2: I'm on the right part. So I just think, hopefully
Speaker 2: I think people will listen and feel that way. The
Speaker 2: second thing I'll say is to me, there's I think
Speaker 2: we know very little about the human mind and brain,
Speaker 2: especially when it comes to a lot of these anxiety disorders.
Speaker 2: I have friends, my wife has friends who have severe
Speaker 2: cases of OCD, and it's so easy when you hear
Speaker 2: about the problem to just be like, how does that
Speaker 2: make any sense? It doesn't make any sense. Just just
Speaker 2: do it anyway, and we can kind of throw these
Speaker 2: band aid answers onto severe issues that we actually don't understand.
Speaker 2: And the more I've done the work I've been doing
Speaker 2: in coaching and my friends who are therapists that I
Speaker 2: learn from, and when we're working on clients together and
Speaker 2: I'm learning about what clients are going through, the more
Speaker 2: compassion and empathy I've gained for things that I don't understand,
Speaker 2: because it's so easy to be like, well, my brain
Speaker 2: doesn't work that way and I can't compute it and
Speaker 2: comprehend it. So that just sounds really ridiculous. But the
Speaker 2: reality is that when you go through something yourself, you
Speaker 2: then go oh crap, Like I remember me and my
Speaker 2: friends didn't believe when you were on your teens you
Speaker 2: didn't believe depression was real.
Speaker 1: I was just gonna say that I used to think
Speaker 1: the same thing.
Speaker 2: When we were young, Like you didn't believe depression was real.
Speaker 2: And then you go through I've been through depressive episodes
Speaker 2: in my life. You go through it, and you go God,
Speaker 2: I didn't even think my brain could go there. And
Speaker 2: anyone who has a friend who's gone through depression, who's
Speaker 2: potentially even had suicidal thoughts, like anyone who's had anyone
Speaker 2: in their life, it's gone that you've seen how quickly
Speaker 2: someone that you thought was happy, confident, and well became
Speaker 2: all of the opposite things. And so I regardless of
Speaker 2: whether we immediately understand what you're saying, I just hope
Speaker 2: we use it as an opportunity to expand our compassion
Speaker 2: and empathy for each other, because I think we know
Speaker 2: so little about the human mind and human brain, yeah,
Speaker 2: and all of these things.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and oh, sorry you're gonna say something.
Speaker 1: No, Yeah, I mean, the mind is just an extreme
Speaker 1: powerful place, And I think that it's true. I mean
Speaker 1: that often I say that for somebody. If you find
Speaker 1: a couple and one person has depression and one has
Speaker 1: never experienced it, and it's come on, it can be
Speaker 1: very hard for that person to understand, like you'll just
Speaker 1: snap out of it. And what I do hope that
Speaker 1: happens in sharing this It is firstly, I think BDD
Speaker 1: is undiagnosed, So I hope that perhaps there are people
Speaker 1: listening that actually do have BDD but didn't know, will
Speaker 1: feel so much relief to understand that it's not just
Speaker 1: them being super vain or this or that. If it
Speaker 1: is impacting your life to a way that is like
Speaker 1: truly negatively impacting your life, then there is help to
Speaker 1: be found through different therapies. You know, medication is out there,
Speaker 1: you know there are things that can help. But I
Speaker 1: also think, yeah, I mean, the reason that I am
Speaker 1: so in love with this book is because I am
Speaker 1: somebody who literally has lived with this what is I
Speaker 1: now recognize as an anxiety disorder that is rooted in
Speaker 1: me telling myself how awful I am, and I have
Speaker 1: had that in a voice since I was seven, telling
Speaker 1: me I am disgusting, I am unlovable, I am not enough.
Speaker 1: Whether that I thought that because of the way I
Speaker 1: look or whatever, at the root of it was I
Speaker 1: am not enough as I am. That is what I
Speaker 1: have believed my whole life. I am now sat in
Speaker 1: this chair, and I truly believe I am enough, like
Speaker 1: I actually do love who I am. And it's not
Speaker 1: that I don't feel it. Like I told you, yesterday
Speaker 1: was a tough day for me, but I knew how
Speaker 1: to manage it. I knew how to overcome it. But
Speaker 1: ninety percent of the time I feel amazing, not in
Speaker 1: the way I look. I just feel amazing as a human.
Speaker 1: I feel proud of who I am and what I
Speaker 1: can offer the world. So if I can go through
Speaker 1: that level of extreme self hate and get to a
Speaker 1: point where I actually can sit on a podcast and
Speaker 1: say I like who I am truly, I think anyone can.
Speaker 1: And these other steps that help me get there, and
Speaker 1: I love them so much, and I just so I
Speaker 1: just can't wait for people to feel this level of freedom,
Speaker 1: because it really is quite an extraordinary experience, and knowing
Speaker 1: how hard it can be on the other side, oh
Speaker 1: my god, it's just such a relief to like not
Speaker 1: hate yourself all the time.
Speaker 2: I think it's also really from what I see from
Speaker 2: what you're saying, is because it's been a journey while
Speaker 2: you're writing, while you're speaking is that you can have
Speaker 2: these thoughts, you can master them, work on them, and
Speaker 2: still do things. And I think a lot of us
Speaker 2: feel like until I figure everything out, I can't do anything.
Speaker 2: And what I think you're saying and showing is no,
Speaker 2: I've been feeling all of this.
Speaker 3: Here are the.
Speaker 2: Management methods that I've come up with in the steps
Speaker 2: that actually and we deal with it and then I
Speaker 2: can still do these things. And partly what you're saying, though,
Speaker 2: roxy I think is part of you being a public
Speaker 2: figure too, because and this applies to everyone now, it's
Speaker 2: not just a public figures, it truly applies to everyone.
Speaker 3: All of us see our reflection too much, Yes, we
Speaker 3: really do. We just we.
Speaker 2: All look at our faces more times every day than
Speaker 2: we ever would have in the past. When you grew
Speaker 2: up in that tribal, that village, when would you ever
Speaker 2: see your reflection? You're looking at straw huts and you know,
Speaker 2: wooden like spoons, you know, just whatever, like you're never
Speaker 2: seeing your reflection. And now you're on zoom call and
Speaker 2: you're staring at your reflection. You're on a FaceTime call
Speaker 2: and you're looking at your own reflection. You go past
Speaker 2: the shop window, you look at your reflection. We're on
Speaker 2: our phones all day. We're so overexposed that I think
Speaker 2: all of us, if we're honest with ourselves, overanalyze ourselves
Speaker 2: physically on our face because we see our face more
Speaker 2: than ever. I just don't think we were ever meant
Speaker 2: to see our face this much.
Speaker 1: So true.
Speaker 2: Someone who has an anxiety disorder that's connected to that,
Speaker 2: I can only imagine how that's amplified, because it's amplified
Speaker 2: even for people who don't have that anxiety disorder. And
Speaker 2: I'm overexposed to my face, and so I think it's
Speaker 2: also just we're just looking our faces more than we ever.
Speaker 3: Meant to, and that's hard.
Speaker 1: It's so true.
Speaker 2: And I think everyone can relate to that, whether they
Speaker 2: have an anxiety disorder or not, whether they struggle with
Speaker 2: something else or not. I think everyone knows that we're
Speaker 2: all looking at our face all day.
Speaker 1: It's so true. I never considered that we do look
Speaker 1: at it way too much. Weighed my copar and he's
Speaker 1: a house and he's got no mirrors in it, and
Speaker 1: he's like, I've never felt better. And he doesn't use
Speaker 1: this story that much either, and he's like it's amazing.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2: In the monastery in India, they didn't have any mirrors,
Speaker 2: and that was the first time I had experienced what
Speaker 2: that felt like. And forgetting how you look physically, which
Speaker 2: I don't anymore. I'm always on camera, Instagram and my video,
Speaker 2: so I don't know what that feels like anymore as well.
Speaker 2: But I remember at that time forgetting how I looked
Speaker 2: allowed me to go inward in a way that I
Speaker 2: can never imagine doing because I forgot my physical self,
Speaker 2: and then you can deal with your mental and emotional self.
Speaker 2: But if you're always over exposed to your physical self,
Speaker 2: you actually don't think of yourself as anything more. So
Speaker 2: when you're saying I'm amazing as a human, that's going
Speaker 2: beyond your physical self. But because we deal with everyone
Speaker 2: just by our physical selves, we think this is all.
Speaker 1: We are exactly. There's a great you know, I used
Speaker 1: to say to people a lot, and it's something I
Speaker 1: would tell myself in all the times I would go on,
Speaker 1: you know, to do an interview and really just be thinking,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm the person interviewing where he's just
Speaker 1: thinking about how disgusting I am, or everyone online is
Speaker 1: going to just be talking about how ugly I am.
Speaker 1: And those were thoughts, and then I would come out
Speaker 1: to one thing. People do not care how you look.
Speaker 1: They care how you make them feel. And that was
Speaker 1: what kept me showing up. And I still remind myself
Speaker 1: of it all the time. And I think that, and
Speaker 1: it's true, like I think about and I would always
Speaker 1: think about all the people I love, admire, enjoy being around,
Speaker 1: enjoy hearing watching. None of them are because, oh they
Speaker 1: look a certain way. All of it is because they
Speaker 1: make me feel a certain way. They make me feel inspired,
Speaker 1: they make me feel empowered, they make feel But this
Speaker 1: is the thing with anxiety disorders. It makes no sense, right,
Speaker 1: So I can rationally think that It doesn't mean the
Speaker 1: thoughts don't come sometimes anyway, But I think this. When
Speaker 1: you can rationalize it and remind yourself of these things,
Speaker 1: it can be so powerful for us.
Speaker 2: To gain a bit more understanding of it. So what
Speaker 2: happens when someone says, well, Rocks, do you look amazing?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 2: I think you look great? Like when someone says that,
Speaker 2: what does the disorder do internally?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: How do you feel when you receive that? So on
Speaker 2: a day that you're not feeling your best physically and
Speaker 2: your face. As we talked about, it's not your body,
Speaker 2: it's your face, and someone's like, oh, but you look great,
Speaker 2: Like what's your thought process? What happens?
Speaker 1: Well, nothing, because like we said earlier, when you don't
Speaker 1: think about it about yourself, it's it's for me if
Speaker 1: I'm having like now, if I'm having a bad Before
Speaker 1: it was just every day, it was just constant. For now,
Speaker 1: let's say I'm having a bad b D D dated yesterday, right,
Speaker 1: that was a bad day. It's a physical anxiety. So
Speaker 1: you just feel off and then you just have ruminating
Speaker 1: thoughts and so you might it's just a ruminating in
Speaker 1: a critic and it's just a feeling of anxiousness. It's
Speaker 1: really like physical in the body, and it just it's annoying.
Speaker 1: I'm just like, oh, not again, not today, because you
Speaker 1: want to enjoy the things. But I've, like I said,
Speaker 1: I noticed when it happens when I'm stressed, when I'm
Speaker 1: on hormonal, when I'm tired. But I also know now
Speaker 1: that it will pass. I woke up this morning and
Speaker 1: I was free from it, and I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: we're back, We're fine. You know it was just I
Speaker 1: was also jet lag yesterday, so I was probably probably
Speaker 1: that as well. So you know, it's something that's that
Speaker 1: you can you can learn to manage. I also think
Speaker 1: I'll just say one more thing on it that I
Speaker 1: think it's important is that there are more and more
Speaker 1: people having surgery now, and I think that a lot
Speaker 1: of it will be coming from undiagnosed BDD. And so
Speaker 1: I just think if people can just if they are
Speaker 1: thinking about surgery and there's so much when we're seeing
Speaker 1: on social media, you know, just really ask yourself like this,
Speaker 1: is there something bigger, more healing that needs to be done.
Speaker 1: I am all for people doing whatever they want to do.
Speaker 1: I mean I don't regret my rhino plast d I
Speaker 1: I do do botox, I do do things like that.
Speaker 1: I like to feel good. But but is it coming
Speaker 1: from is it coming from a place or can can
Speaker 1: you make sure that the healing is really happening alongside it?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I think that's a great notice and that blis to
Speaker 2: pretty much everything in life. Is like no one's saying
Speaker 2: you don't want to go and become successful and don't
Speaker 2: want to have big dreams. It's just making sure you're
Speaker 2: doing the inner healing at the same time, so that,
Speaker 2: like you said, when you get there, you can.
Speaker 3: Actually experience it and feel it.
Speaker 2: And to be honest, one of the biggest things that
Speaker 2: all of this reminds me of because of so many
Speaker 2: of anxiety disorders today and the challenges we have, is
Speaker 2: that there's this beautiful line from C. S. Lewis that
Speaker 2: I love, and he said that you don't have a soul,
Speaker 2: you are the soul and you have a body. And
Speaker 2: I love that because I think we live in such
Speaker 2: a physical world where the body is all we are.
Speaker 3: And the more spiritual.
Speaker 2: Work I've done and leaned into over the last two decades,
Speaker 2: the more I've realized that the more I think I'm
Speaker 2: the body, the less enough I feel. Yeah, But the
Speaker 2: more I believe that I'm spirit and conscious, soul and energy,
Speaker 2: the more abundant I feel, because that's what the spirit is.
Speaker 2: The body is limited. Yes, the body will wither, the
Speaker 2: body will die, the body will destruct, and the body
Speaker 2: will get ill.
Speaker 3: That's what is That's why.
Speaker 2: The body doesn't feel enough, yeah, because it doesn't have
Speaker 2: the longevity that the soul does. But there's a part
Speaker 2: of us inside of us that believes we are eternal
Speaker 2: and blissful and full of knowledge and have the ability
Speaker 2: to outlast. It's the reason why we want to live forever,
Speaker 2: and we're trying to stretch the body to live forever. Yeah,
Speaker 2: but the body doesn't really have that ability. Maybe we'll
Speaker 2: get to one hundred and fifty years, but it doesn't
Speaker 2: have eternality attached to it. It's just not meant to be.
Speaker 2: So to me, it's always been like again, I'm not
Speaker 2: saying I work out, I take supplements, I take care
Speaker 2: of my health, I do all the things. I'm not
Speaker 2: saying to ignore your body. I'm saying that there is
Speaker 2: a part of you that has been left alone for
Speaker 2: too long. Yeah, and reconnecting with that through these eight steps, Yeah,
Speaker 2: it engages you back into it. And one of my
Speaker 2: favorite ones that I wanted to talk about was step five,
Speaker 2: celebrate yourself. And I wanted to kind of get to
Speaker 2: this one because to me, I think the biggest difficulty,
Speaker 2: like you and you were saying, when you ask audiences like,
Speaker 2: hey do you does any is anyone here free of
Speaker 2: self doubt?
Speaker 3: And no one puts up their hand.
Speaker 2: I often ask when I'm in an audience when was
Speaker 2: the last time you noticed and celebrated something good you did,
Speaker 2: and no one.
Speaker 3: Will put their hand up.
Speaker 2: Interesting because we have such a discomfort think about people
Speaker 2: dealing with compliments. If someone compliments you, like, most of
Speaker 2: us don't know what to do with it. Yeah, and
Speaker 2: we shrink and we just go away and we kind
Speaker 2: of hide. Obviously, there's some narcissists who love being complimented,
Speaker 2: you know, like ye kind of like the opposite where
Speaker 2: it's like their ego gets fulled. But I think most
Speaker 2: of us just go, oh, thanks, like yeah, cool, like really,
Speaker 2: like do you feel that way? Like we almost question it.
Speaker 2: Talk to me about why celebrating yourself is so important.
Speaker 1: Learning to celebrate who we are and all that we
Speaker 1: have to offer is such an important step of this
Speaker 1: confidence journey, and I think that to be able to
Speaker 1: do it, first, I need to understand why we so
Speaker 1: many of us struggle with it. One of the reasons
Speaker 1: is that we've really glorified humidity. So humidity has become
Speaker 1: this thing that is a very desirable trait that across cultures.
Speaker 1: Being humble is something that we that we really regard highly,
Speaker 1: but most of us have just taken it way too
Speaker 1: far so we become self deprecating. We don't want to
Speaker 1: accept compliments, We don't want to accept that perhaps it
Speaker 1: was our hard work that led to this result. In fact,
Speaker 1: we'll kind of bad it off as a team effort
Speaker 1: or say that it was just luck. And I know that,
Speaker 1: you know, for me definitely, and I know lots of
Speaker 1: people listening will have grown up with the evil eye
Speaker 1: in their culture, and the evil I really kind of
Speaker 1: like ham it in this point, so the evil ie
Speaker 1: really for me. My mum would always say that, you know,
Speaker 1: don't appear too happy, too successful, too good, be humble always,
Speaker 1: because if you're not humble, you will negativity, you will
Speaker 1: attract jealousy, and bad things will happen to you. And
Speaker 1: it would be to the point where, like, you know,
Speaker 1: when I got a new house, you'd put like a
Speaker 1: dirty shoe in the hallway, or she'd say to me,
Speaker 1: you know, when I had my son Wolff, she'd say,
Speaker 1: don't let anyone look at him, you know, don't let
Speaker 1: anyone look at his face. Like it was a genuine
Speaker 1: like fear of anything good you know of and not
Speaker 1: having this negative impact on your life. And so subconsciously,
Speaker 1: I think we can't. We start forming these kind of
Speaker 1: like beliefs that like, oh God, like if I seem happy,
Speaker 1: if I seem successful, if I celebrate myself in any way,
Speaker 1: something bad is going to happen, or people are gonna
Speaker 1: be jealous, or people just aren't gonna like me, And
Speaker 1: so we start to really like stop celebrating ourselves because
Speaker 1: of that. But another big reason is because we have
Speaker 1: confused confidence with arrogance, and they are not the same thing.
Speaker 3: Tell me the difference between confidence and arrogance.
Speaker 1: So arrogant says I am the best, and confidence says
Speaker 1: I'm working to be the best that I can be.
Speaker 1: And I think that we all know what it's like
Speaker 1: to be around somebody who is truly arrogant. You know,
Speaker 1: they can be demeaning, they undermind you, they make you
Speaker 1: feel small. It's not nice, and so of course you
Speaker 1: can understand why we don't want to come across that way.
Speaker 1: But what people don't understand is that you can be
Speaker 1: confident in who you are without being arrogant. And in fact,
Speaker 1: if you're worried about being arrogant, you're not because arrogant
Speaker 1: people aren't that self aware. And I think that we
Speaker 1: have like a collective responsibility to encourage each other to
Speaker 1: step into our most confident selves. And we can do
Speaker 1: that by giving each other permission to celebrate ourselves. You know,
Speaker 1: I think that culturally we there is nothing more triggering
Speaker 1: to people than confidence. A confident can really rub someone
Speaker 1: up the wrong way, for sure, and we start saying
Speaker 1: they're so up themselves, they think, who do they think
Speaker 1: they are? We talk about each other in this way,
Speaker 1: and so imagine you're hearing this in conversation. Then you're thinking, God,
Speaker 1: I don't people saying about me, So I better not
Speaker 1: seem too confident. I might better not accept praise. I
Speaker 1: better not celebrate or say this good thing that happened
Speaker 1: to me. I think, you know, we're doing a disservice
Speaker 1: to each other, and so I really want to encourage
Speaker 1: people to celebrate themselves. To be able to accept praise,
Speaker 1: to be able to say thank you and someone compliments you,
Speaker 1: to be able to like say online, if you know,
Speaker 1: someden goold happen to your business, or you've got the promotion,
Speaker 1: or tell your friends, and let's celebrate each other with
Speaker 1: that and be like yes, because I personally feel so
Speaker 1: empowered when I see a confident person. I love being
Speaker 1: around confident people because I feel like it gives me
Speaker 1: permission to be that way too. And so I think,
Speaker 1: you know, it's something that is both a solo thing
Speaker 1: that we need to do ourselves, but also something that
Speaker 1: collects we can help each other with.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's almost giving each other permission. Like I think
Speaker 2: we all know the friend that you call when you're
Speaker 2: having a bad day, But who's the friend that you
Speaker 2: can call when you're having.
Speaker 3: A great day?
Speaker 1: Very different?
Speaker 2: Yeah, very different and talk about your biggest win. Yes,
Speaker 2: And a lot of us feel uncomfortable saying to someone, hey,
Speaker 2: I think I'm going to go chase this new business
Speaker 2: I want to start because we're scared of friend's going
Speaker 2: to say why are you doing that?
Speaker 3: Like what's wrong with you?
Speaker 2: Like just be happy with what you have, Or your
Speaker 2: friend says to you like, oh you know what, like
Speaker 2: I just got promoted work, I want to throw a
Speaker 2: party and whatever. And then you're scared to say that
Speaker 2: because you're scared that someone else is going to feel
Speaker 2: that their inferior, their life's not good. And there is
Speaker 2: there is that in friendship, Like in friendship, you do care,
Speaker 2: you don't want to make people feel infory. You don't
Speaker 2: want to make people feel upset, And at the same time,
Speaker 2: you've got to hold space for your celebration. And I
Speaker 2: think if people could acknowledge every day something they got right,
Speaker 2: that would help with that heckler and that in a
Speaker 2: critic inside, because you're already doing the opposite anyway. Yes,
Speaker 2: you're already coming up with a long list of everything
Speaker 2: you got wrong. I know, when your head hits the
Speaker 2: pillow every night, you're thinking, I should have done that
Speaker 2: at work, should have done that with my kid, and
Speaker 2: I shouldn't have said that to my partner. So you've
Speaker 2: already got a list of things you're not doing. So
Speaker 2: you already are self aware. And that's good because you
Speaker 2: will be arrogant. But there's a need to be like,
Speaker 2: you know what, I nailed that presentation at work today.
Speaker 2: You know what, I actually was great in that meeting today.
Speaker 2: You know I was really happy, how I held my
Speaker 2: own in that difficult conversation with my friend partner, whatever.
Speaker 2: Like what would you consider people? What can people do
Speaker 2: practically every day or week or month. Yeah, talk to
Speaker 2: me about celebrating yourself as a habit. Yes, because I
Speaker 2: think we also wait for like the promotion, the wedding and.
Speaker 1: Okay, so there's two things that I really love that
Speaker 1: are in this step. So one of them is just
Speaker 1: about celebrating the small winds. So, like you said, it's
Speaker 1: like really noticing what are the small things that you
Speaker 1: did today that you can be proud of yourself for
Speaker 1: when you're struggling to think. One of the things that
Speaker 1: I think people can always count on finding somewhere where
Speaker 1: in your day. Did you react better than you would
Speaker 1: have five years ago?
Speaker 3: That's a great question, you know.
Speaker 1: And I think sometimes I just think that is such
Speaker 1: a win, Like do you know what, like a year
Speaker 1: ago that would have really stressed me out. I can
Speaker 1: sit here now and say two years ago, I would
Speaker 1: have felt so nervous, And my win today is that
Speaker 1: I'm here and I'm enjoying it rather than being nervous.
Speaker 1: So that might be your win, your small win. Another
Speaker 1: thing that I love is celebrating your everyday qualities. So
Speaker 1: often when we think about what can we celebrate about ourselves,
Speaker 1: we think about the things that we would put on
Speaker 1: a CV. But I want you to not think about
Speaker 1: those things. I want you to think about what are
Speaker 1: the things that make you so unique to you and
Speaker 1: the close people around you?
Speaker 3: So?
Speaker 1: Is it that you're able to make light of situations
Speaker 1: on a hard day. Is it that you are always
Speaker 1: the one that's arranging, you know, everyone's meet up. Is
Speaker 1: it that you're the one that gets everyone out of
Speaker 1: the house on time? Is it that you're the one
Speaker 1: that always has a handbag filled with things so that
Speaker 1: when someone needs it, it's there. Are you the one
Speaker 1: that always brings the snacks? Are you the one that
Speaker 1: you know always gives really good advice to a friend
Speaker 1: and offers them a new perspective? What are your everyday qualities?
Speaker 1: And really, I want you to literally write down a
Speaker 1: list of them and think of it like your own
Speaker 1: personal CV, and recognize that all these amazing little things,
Speaker 1: these nuances, these quirks, these all these things that you
Speaker 1: have to offer what make you this multifaceted, magnificent, unique,
Speaker 1: wonderful human.
Speaker 3: Yeah? I love that.
Speaker 2: I love that As a practice, It's it's so needed.
Speaker 2: I feel like if we all noticed, if we all
Speaker 2: spend time noticing more good within ourselves, we'd notice more
Speaker 2: good within other people. Yes, and we'd see more good
Speaker 2: happen in our work life, family home, because we're just
Speaker 2: training ourselves to see the good the challenges. When we've
Speaker 2: trained ourselves to only see the bad, we see the
Speaker 2: bad in ourselves. We see the bad and everyone else.
Speaker 2: Some of the other days said this quote to me
Speaker 2: that I loved, and they said, catch people doing things right,
Speaker 2: catch people doing things right, because we always feel like,
Speaker 2: oh I got you, I saw you steeling, I saw
Speaker 2: you dying, I saw you. But we don't catch people
Speaker 2: doing things right. And he said, when you catch people
Speaker 2: doing things right, they'll do them again.
Speaker 1: I love, they'll do them more.
Speaker 3: And so we've got to.
Speaker 2: Learn to catch people doing things right because they are.
Speaker 2: There's we're doing things right all the time. Yeah, our
Speaker 2: friends are doing things right, our partners are doing things right,
Speaker 2: our kids are doing things right. But we never catch
Speaker 2: them doing things on things right. We only catch people
Speaker 2: doing things wrong.
Speaker 1: Yeah. You know, it's really funny because there's a I
Speaker 1: can't remember the phenomenon that it is. I write about
Speaker 1: it in the book, which is basically that our brains
Speaker 1: assume that other people think the way that we do. Yes,
Speaker 1: and so one thing I encourage people to do is
Speaker 1: really watch when you're judging other people, and try to
Speaker 1: really change that judgment to compassion, because if we do
Speaker 1: it less about other people, we will assume people are
Speaker 1: doing it less about us, and then we'll give ourselves
Speaker 1: more freedom to be who we want to be.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so well said everyone in the book is called Confidence.
Speaker 2: Eight steps to knowing your Worth. We only touched on
Speaker 2: a couple of steps today, but I want you to
Speaker 2: read the book. Master your thoughts, act with intention, stop
Speaker 2: trying to be liked by everybody, break free from comparison,
Speaker 2: celebrate yourself, do hard things, be of service to others.
Speaker 3: Shop as your best self.
Speaker 2: Roxy as I've got to know you over the years,
Speaker 2: and just I remember when I got that DM from
Speaker 2: you in twenty twenty two and we connected and you
Speaker 2: came on to write Manifest, which I know has helped
Speaker 2: so many you know, millions of people around the world.
Speaker 2: And then to see you write Confidence. But even just
Speaker 2: the way you showed up today in your vulnerability and
Speaker 2: in your confidence, to me, that's a sign that you're
Speaker 2: someone who's doing the work and doing the hardest of it,
Speaker 2: and a reminder to everyone who's listening.
Speaker 3: And watching that.
Speaker 2: You know you're all on your own journey and the
Speaker 2: judgment that we are scared of facing from everyone else
Speaker 2: is really really tough, and because of that, we don't
Speaker 2: often express who we truly are. And who we truly
Speaker 2: are is this paradoxical, multifaceted, multi layered person. And when
Speaker 2: we allow people to be all of themselves and all
Speaker 2: of their experiences, we allow ourselves to be all of
Speaker 2: ourselves and all of our experiences rather than thinking we
Speaker 2: just have to be one thing. And to me, I'm
Speaker 2: happy that you've shown us the real view of what
Speaker 2: confidence looks like, which is it's hard, it's messy, it's complicated,
Speaker 2: it's layered, and at the same time, it's something that
Speaker 2: we can all have while we experience all those emotions.
Speaker 2: So thank you, Roxy, thank you so much, and thank you.
Speaker 2: Really excited for people to read the book and connect
Speaker 2: with you. If you don't already follow Roxy on social media,
Speaker 2: please follow her. But Roxy, anything I didn't ask you
Speaker 2: that you really want to talk about anything that's on
Speaker 2: your heart or a message that.
Speaker 1: No, Honestly, I'm just firstly so grateful to you always
Speaker 1: for just being so kind and genuine and giving me
Speaker 1: the space to talk about it. And asking me such
Speaker 1: different questions, and you know, I think it's you've pushed
Speaker 1: me to practice what I preach in that you know,
Speaker 1: I was afraid to talk about the badd staff in
Speaker 1: case I was judged, misunderstood, not liked. And really, what
Speaker 1: I tell people is, you know, you've got to do
Speaker 1: what be authentically you. And you've kind of pushed me
Speaker 1: out my comfort zone today in a good way. Not
Speaker 1: you didn't, I mean, you didn't force me to do it.
Speaker 1: You've given me the space to do it. And I'm
Speaker 1: really grateful for that. And I just hope that anyone,
Speaker 1: for anyone listening. I absolutely know that everybody listening, when
Speaker 1: they were born into this world, they were born full
Speaker 1: of self worth, full of confidence. But somewhere along the
Speaker 1: way they learned one thing that they were not enough
Speaker 1: as they were. And I am on a mission to
Speaker 1: undo that damage so they can come back to that knowing.
Speaker 1: And the last line of my book is this, true
Speaker 1: confidence is knowing that your worth was never up for discussion.
Speaker 1: And I really hope that every single one of you listening, watching,
Speaker 1: comes to that realization so that you can truly unlock
Speaker 1: your fullest potential. Life is really good on the other side.
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you.
Speaker 2: If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with
Speaker 2: doctor Daniel Ahman on how to change your life by
Speaker 2: changing your brain.
Speaker 3: If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with
Speaker 3: a healthy brain. You know, I've had the blessing or
Speaker 3: the curse to scan
Speaker 2: Over a thousand convicted felons and over one hundred murderers,
Speaker 2: and their brains are very damna.