WEBVTT - Roxie Nafousi: Struggle With Low Self-Worth & No Confidence? (Use This Life-Changing 3-Step Method!) 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.280 Confident is about being able to walk into any room 0:00:03.680 --> 0:00:07.200 unapologetically yourself and walk out of it not worrying what 0:00:07.240 --> 0:00:08.320 everyone else thought of you. 0:00:08.440 --> 0:00:11.040 Hey, everyone, welcome back to on Purpose, the place you 0:00:11.160 --> 0:00:14.760 come to become the happier, healthier, and more healed. I 0:00:14.920 --> 0:00:18.239 am committed to making a healing world, not one that 0:00:18.400 --> 0:00:21.639 is finished, complete or perfect, but one where we're all 0:00:21.960 --> 0:00:24.640 a work in progress. And today to help us do that, 0:00:24.760 --> 0:00:27.280 to heal from the inside out, to work on some 0:00:27.320 --> 0:00:29.720 of the biggest challenges that we all struggle with. Whether 0:00:29.760 --> 0:00:33.479 it's insecurities, whether it's self doubt, whether it's a lack 0:00:33.520 --> 0:00:36.360 of self trust, whether it's feeling like we're not enough. 0:00:36.840 --> 0:00:40.680 Maybe you've felt not smart enough, not beautiful enough, not 0:00:41.200 --> 0:00:44.159 thoughtful enough, not tall enough, whatever it may be, and 0:00:44.360 --> 0:00:46.159 it all affects a part of our life that we 0:00:46.280 --> 0:00:49.879 call confidence. And today's guest is none other than my 0:00:49.960 --> 0:00:54.800 dear friend Roxy Nafusi. Her new book is called Confidence, 0:00:55.120 --> 0:00:58.520 Eight Steps to Knowing Your Worth. She's the best selling 0:00:58.520 --> 0:01:01.080 author of manifest She's been on the show before. You 0:01:01.200 --> 0:01:04.080 loved our episode together, and I'm so excited to welcome 0:01:04.120 --> 0:01:05.560 back Roxy and the Fusie. 0:01:05.640 --> 0:01:06.920 Roxy. It's great to have you back. 0:01:07.000 --> 0:01:09.440 Ah, thank you so much for having me. I mean, 0:01:09.800 --> 0:01:12.280 I couldn't believe I got to sit in this chair once, 0:01:12.600 --> 0:01:16.000 so to be here twice. What is this life? 0:01:16.680 --> 0:01:19.760 Honestly? Like, since the moment we met, we hit it off. Yeah, 0:01:19.800 --> 0:01:23.360 and I shared last time, just how many people in 0:01:23.400 --> 0:01:25.800 my life read Manifest I've gifted it to so many 0:01:25.840 --> 0:01:29.200 people as well, And anyone that's read it, anyone that 0:01:29.240 --> 0:01:31.160 connects with your work and knows we know each other, 0:01:31.480 --> 0:01:33.679 will message me and just say this book was awesome, 0:01:33.880 --> 0:01:36.920 Like I love her work and to see you continue 0:01:36.959 --> 0:01:40.680 to rise and soar and now create this book as 0:01:40.680 --> 0:01:45.800 well again in your signature style of being poignant, effective, relatable, simple, 0:01:45.880 --> 0:01:48.880 It's so powerful. Thanks and I'm so glad you dedicate 0:01:48.960 --> 0:01:49.840 time to confidence. 0:01:49.960 --> 0:01:53.760 Thank you. No, I'm so so honored, Thank you so much. 0:01:54.080 --> 0:01:56.600 Okay, so let's dive in roxy I want to Confidence 0:01:56.640 --> 0:01:58.000 is such a big thing. I wanted to ask you 0:01:58.640 --> 0:02:01.520 how do you defer find the word confidence? 0:02:02.600 --> 0:02:06.400 So I think there's so many different ways to define confidence. 0:02:06.440 --> 0:02:10.000 And I think for me, confidence is ultimately about self worth. 0:02:10.160 --> 0:02:13.760 It's about knowing that you are enough, exactly as you are. 0:02:14.520 --> 0:02:18.320 And I think what confidence isn't and the way I 0:02:18.360 --> 0:02:21.600 don't define it is being an extrovert. So a lot 0:02:21.600 --> 0:02:24.560 of people think that if you are confident, it must 0:02:24.560 --> 0:02:28.520 mean that you're comfortable being loud or you're charismatic, and 0:02:28.560 --> 0:02:31.520 you kind of think that that's what it's about. But 0:02:31.560 --> 0:02:33.240 for me, that's not it at all. You know. I 0:02:33.280 --> 0:02:40.160 think confidence is grounding, it's quiet, it's stable. And one 0:02:40.160 --> 0:02:43.600 of my favorite definitions of confidence is that confidence is 0:02:43.639 --> 0:02:47.960 about being able to walk into any room unapologetically yourself 0:02:48.160 --> 0:02:50.519 and walk out of it not worrying what everyone else 0:02:50.560 --> 0:02:52.919 thought of you. And I think when you can get 0:02:52.960 --> 0:02:56.120 to that place, that's when you know you've reached it. 0:02:56.480 --> 0:02:58.720 I like that definition. That's such a brilliant way of 0:02:58.720 --> 0:03:01.760 putting it, because I think we are all over thinking 0:03:01.840 --> 0:03:03.679 before we walk into a room, whatever I'm going to 0:03:03.720 --> 0:03:05.840 think of me, and then we walk out, we're all 0:03:05.840 --> 0:03:08.400 thinking what did they think of me? Absolutely think the 0:03:08.400 --> 0:03:11.480 whole car journey home, wondering everything you did and whether 0:03:11.520 --> 0:03:14.480 someone saw you drop your spoon or spill a bit 0:03:14.520 --> 0:03:17.760 of wine, or drop some food or whatever it may be. 0:03:18.160 --> 0:03:21.639 You're over analyzing every moment and you're wondering, well do 0:03:22.240 --> 0:03:24.680 they think I'm smart. Do they think I'm clever? Do 0:03:24.720 --> 0:03:25.720 they think I'm interesting? 0:03:26.160 --> 0:03:27.960 I'm boring? One thing you. 0:03:27.919 --> 0:03:30.239 Said was really interesting to me, and I want to 0:03:30.320 --> 0:03:33.880 kind of go down that road. Is how do introreeds 0:03:33.880 --> 0:03:37.280 and extra eds demonstrate confidence differently? Or does it even 0:03:37.280 --> 0:03:37.840 look different? 0:03:38.520 --> 0:03:40.960 I think that I suppose. I mean I've never considered 0:03:40.960 --> 0:03:44.920 that before, but I think they're extroverts. Probably they feel 0:03:45.360 --> 0:03:51.200 most comfortable when they can be social, when they can, 0:03:51.320 --> 0:03:54.600 you know, make people feel comfortable in their space, make 0:03:54.640 --> 0:03:58.760 them feel seen had They're good at conversation, you know, 0:03:59.080 --> 0:04:01.800 getting a group to get there and you know, and 0:04:02.080 --> 0:04:04.960 they just feel good in that environment. I think for 0:04:05.000 --> 0:04:09.040 an introvert, it doesn't mean that it's really about having 0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:13.320 a Like I said those words before, that quiet grounded confidence. 0:04:13.640 --> 0:04:15.520 So you don't need to be the loudest in the 0:04:15.600 --> 0:04:18.160 room because you don't need you're not trying to prove yourself, 0:04:18.520 --> 0:04:21.680 and that's the really confidence isn't about proving yourself. It's 0:04:21.680 --> 0:04:26.560 about knowing you're enough and not needing anyone else to 0:04:26.640 --> 0:04:28.080 kind of validate that for you. 0:04:28.800 --> 0:04:31.680 Yeah, why is it that we it feels so obvious, 0:04:31.800 --> 0:04:35.479 like is there a healthy pursuit of validation or is 0:04:35.560 --> 0:04:36.680 validation all bad? 0:04:37.760 --> 0:04:41.680 I think that some Look, it's impossible to really think 0:04:41.720 --> 0:04:44.800 that we're not going to want any validation at all, Like, 0:04:44.920 --> 0:04:48.880 of course we do, and I think that we should 0:04:49.040 --> 0:04:52.440 need some because we need to be like upstanding members 0:04:52.480 --> 0:04:57.760 of society and respect other people. And also helps to 0:04:59.279 --> 0:05:02.359 encourage us to strive to be better, to be better 0:05:02.400 --> 0:05:06.600 in as people, as individuals, in our careers and our relationships, 0:05:06.920 --> 0:05:09.159 you know. So it is important to motivate us to 0:05:09.360 --> 0:05:11.200 be the best that we can be, which is great. 0:05:11.800 --> 0:05:17.120 But I think the problem is is where validation. Well, look, 0:05:17.200 --> 0:05:20.680 let's say that let's start with this evolutionary we needed 0:05:20.680 --> 0:05:23.960 to belong to be part to survive in a tribe, right, 0:05:24.120 --> 0:05:27.159 and so it was really important for us to be 0:05:27.360 --> 0:05:29.640 liked by other people or to you know, to be 0:05:29.720 --> 0:05:32.599 part of something. What's happened in the modern day is 0:05:32.600 --> 0:05:35.799 we've taken that kind of like evolutionary need to belong, 0:05:36.440 --> 0:05:40.480 but instead of it being kind of important for our survival, 0:05:41.080 --> 0:05:44.520 it's now how we determine how enough we are or 0:05:45.040 --> 0:05:48.320 the measuring stick of which we kind of measure our worth. 0:05:48.880 --> 0:05:52.040 And so I think that, you know, yes, we do 0:05:52.120 --> 0:05:54.919 need some validation to keep us growing. But we've just 0:05:55.000 --> 0:05:58.880 taken it so far that now other people's opinions matter 0:05:58.960 --> 0:06:01.280 more to us than our own. 0:06:01.800 --> 0:06:05.640 Yeah, and I think you're so right that that switch 0:06:06.120 --> 0:06:11.160 has gone from being does my class think, my trainers 0:06:11.240 --> 0:06:15.280 or my sneakers a call to now everything is broadcast 0:06:15.320 --> 0:06:18.440 to the whole world, and it's measured. So you got 0:06:18.440 --> 0:06:20.599 ten likes on a post, and someone got twenty, and 0:06:20.640 --> 0:06:23.520 someone got twenty million, and someone got twenty thousand, and 0:06:23.560 --> 0:06:26.680 so you're so right that now that validation has become 0:06:27.400 --> 0:06:32.280 a matter of net worth as well, and indicative of 0:06:32.640 --> 0:06:35.240 how much attention you get, whereas before you're in your 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:37.719 classroom or even your tribe. Yeah, and you're like, yeah, 0:06:37.720 --> 0:06:40.279 if I've got twenty people that are generally okay with me, 0:06:40.640 --> 0:06:41.240 I'm fine. 0:06:41.800 --> 0:06:43.720 The problem with it as well is it changes our 0:06:43.800 --> 0:06:47.600 self perception. Let's say that, and I know you love 0:06:47.640 --> 0:06:49.840 that quote because I love it too, that I am 0:06:49.839 --> 0:06:51.520 not who I think I am. I'm not who you 0:06:51.560 --> 0:06:54.120 think I am. I'm who I think you think I am. 0:06:54.880 --> 0:06:57.159 And I kind of explained it like this. So I 0:06:57.200 --> 0:06:59.400 was still sat next to someone at dinner once and 0:06:59.680 --> 0:07:02.680 she would an influencer, and she said, you know, sometimes 0:07:02.720 --> 0:07:06.200 I'll post something that I really love on Instagram and 0:07:06.240 --> 0:07:09.120 it doesn't get any likes, and then I think that 0:07:09.120 --> 0:07:12.640 that post is terrible. So you start with Let's say 0:07:12.680 --> 0:07:15.160 you have a picture that you love of your family 0:07:15.200 --> 0:07:17.120 and you think, this is such a beautiful picture. I 0:07:17.200 --> 0:07:19.640 love it, and then you post it and it doesn't 0:07:19.640 --> 0:07:23.600 get that measure of like that you are expecting. So 0:07:23.680 --> 0:07:25.880 it gets ten likes, let's say, and that for you 0:07:25.960 --> 0:07:29.200 doesn't feel enough. And then instead of you thinking, okay, 0:07:29.240 --> 0:07:32.000 that just maybe not many people saw it today, maybe 0:07:32.000 --> 0:07:34.720 it was the algorithm, you actually start to question your 0:07:34.800 --> 0:07:37.760 own decision. Why did I post that? Was it even 0:07:37.760 --> 0:07:41.760 a good photo? And so actually, instead of thinking that 0:07:41.880 --> 0:07:45.480 it's about anything else or there's any other reason for it, 0:07:45.560 --> 0:07:48.520 you change your own perception of yourself or your own 0:07:48.600 --> 0:07:50.960 opinion of yourself. And so I think that's where it's 0:07:50.960 --> 0:07:54.800 really damaging, is that, Yeah, we don't just look for 0:07:54.880 --> 0:07:59.600 external validation to guide us. We look for it to 0:07:59.720 --> 0:08:02.240 tell us what we should think about ourselves. 0:08:02.480 --> 0:08:05.040 Yeah, that's so good, And you made me think about 0:08:05.440 --> 0:08:07.840 how we all post that caption of felt cute might 0:08:07.880 --> 0:08:10.960 delete later, And it's like that idea of like I 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:14.520 felt I looked cute, so I posted this yes, And 0:08:14.560 --> 0:08:16.480 now I'm going to see if everyone else felt I 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:18.840 like you, and if they don't, I might delete it later. 0:08:18.880 --> 0:08:20.760 And that's that mindset that you're saying, where it's like, 0:08:20.920 --> 0:08:23.000 oh no, but I thought I looked really good here, yeah, 0:08:23.040 --> 0:08:26.240 and I wanted to share that, And now you're so right. 0:08:26.360 --> 0:08:30.560 Now you're making me feel like I don't look good 0:08:30.600 --> 0:08:32.200 in a picture I thought I looked good in, which 0:08:32.200 --> 0:08:34.240 makes me feel even worse. What are some of the 0:08:34.280 --> 0:08:36.000 other ways where does this show up? I love that 0:08:36.080 --> 0:08:37.800 example that you just brought it to of posting a 0:08:37.800 --> 0:08:40.520 picture of your family or this felt cute? Might delete later. 0:08:40.960 --> 0:08:43.959 What are other things that you hear from people of 0:08:44.040 --> 0:08:47.280 where we're seeing a lack of confidence show up? What 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:49.280 are people worried about? What are people scared about? What 0:08:49.280 --> 0:08:51.560 are you hearing from people that you work with the 0:08:51.600 --> 0:08:54.560 meat and when you're traveling, touring, speaking, what are you hearing? 0:08:54.800 --> 0:08:58.800 Oh gosh? I mean, I think that lack of confidence 0:08:58.960 --> 0:09:02.080 shows up in every single area of our lives. And 0:09:02.120 --> 0:09:06.440 I think that you know the Obviously, my first book 0:09:06.480 --> 0:09:09.640 was Manifest, which was Seven Steps to Living your Best 0:09:09.679 --> 0:09:11.360 Life and it was that seven step guide and step 0:09:11.400 --> 0:09:14.679 two is removed fearing doubt. And people would often say 0:09:14.720 --> 0:09:17.280 to me, roxy the step I struggle with the most 0:09:17.280 --> 0:09:19.720 when it comes to manifesting, and to manifest we must 0:09:19.840 --> 0:09:22.040 we can only manifest what we subconsciously believe we are 0:09:22.040 --> 0:09:24.240 worthy of receiving. So it's all rooted in self worth, 0:09:24.280 --> 0:09:26.520 which is why confidence is such a great extension to 0:09:26.559 --> 0:09:31.160 my work. And people would always say, the hardest step 0:09:31.360 --> 0:09:34.439 is step two, remove fearing doubt, because this insecurity, these 0:09:34.440 --> 0:09:37.520 low self worth, this feeling of lack of confidence is 0:09:38.440 --> 0:09:42.880 so embedded into us and into our kind of belief 0:09:42.920 --> 0:09:46.959 system that really is the hardest thing to work on. 0:09:47.000 --> 0:09:49.680 It's the hardest thing to undo. And so whether people 0:09:49.880 --> 0:09:54.280 are looking for love, whether they're trying to grow within 0:09:54.320 --> 0:09:57.240 their careers, whether they're trying to build on their own 0:09:57.480 --> 0:10:00.720 you know, they're starting their own business, whatever area of 0:10:00.760 --> 0:10:04.000 their life, it is usually the reason they're not fulfilling 0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:07.040 their potential or growing in the way that they want 0:10:07.080 --> 0:10:10.040 to is because of a lack of confidence. And what 0:10:10.080 --> 0:10:12.480 I always think is really interesting with confidence is that 0:10:13.280 --> 0:10:15.440 we always assume if we were sat in a group 0:10:15.520 --> 0:10:18.720 of people, we would always assume that the person sat 0:10:18.800 --> 0:10:21.439 next to us was free of it, that they are 0:10:21.480 --> 0:10:24.920 so confident, we don't see their self doubt, we don't 0:10:24.960 --> 0:10:28.079 see their insecurity. But actually, when I do my live 0:10:28.160 --> 0:10:30.760 shows and I say, you know, to an audience of 0:10:30.800 --> 0:10:33.000 thousands of people, and I'll say who here, I can 0:10:33.040 --> 0:10:37.200 honestly say they are completely free from self doubt, insecurity, 0:10:37.480 --> 0:10:42.040 or feelings of low self worth. Not one person will 0:10:42.080 --> 0:10:44.760 raise their hand, And so you really start to understand 0:10:44.800 --> 0:10:48.240 that this lack of confidence is a universal experience. It's 0:10:48.280 --> 0:10:51.640 something that actually binds us all, and I think there's 0:10:51.679 --> 0:10:54.839 so much vulnerability and connection to be found in kind 0:10:54.840 --> 0:10:56.920 of sharing it a bit more with each other and 0:10:56.960 --> 0:11:00.160 being more open about it. And it's also so comforting 0:11:00.600 --> 0:11:03.080 because we remember that, you know, we are not seeing 0:11:03.520 --> 0:11:05.240 what other people are going through mentally. 0:11:05.480 --> 0:11:07.280 Do you feel that there's a difference between men and 0:11:07.320 --> 0:11:11.320 women and how they experience confidence? Do you know? 0:11:11.480 --> 0:11:16.200 I think that women have more pressures, and so I 0:11:16.240 --> 0:11:19.720 think that we can assume that it's much harder for 0:11:19.800 --> 0:11:23.360 women to feel confident, but I think it's harder for 0:11:23.440 --> 0:11:26.720 men to express it. And so I also really feel 0:11:26.760 --> 0:11:29.160 for men because I think as a group of women 0:11:29.360 --> 0:11:31.920 it's much easier for us to go to each other 0:11:32.040 --> 0:11:34.760 and say, oh god, I feel so gross today, or 0:11:36.200 --> 0:11:38.400 oh god, you know, I really sucked up in that 0:11:38.520 --> 0:11:41.360 meeting or whatever, And I think we give each other 0:11:41.440 --> 0:11:46.280 more like therapy, whereas I assume, and I'm you know, 0:11:47.240 --> 0:11:51.200 generalizing here, but men aren't as good as opening up 0:11:51.200 --> 0:11:54.840 to each other about their insecurities, you know, it is 0:11:54.920 --> 0:11:55.520 my opinion. 0:11:56.040 --> 0:11:58.560 Yeah, No, it's a really interesting thing to think about. 0:11:58.600 --> 0:12:03.440 And I think that's a really like interesting observation because 0:12:04.240 --> 0:12:07.080 I wouldn't say you're wrong. I think when my male friends, 0:12:07.080 --> 0:12:09.839 and obviously because of my work and who I am, 0:12:09.880 --> 0:12:12.280 I guess more men and me do have those types 0:12:12.320 --> 0:12:14.960 of conversations. But in general, even when I have my 0:12:15.000 --> 0:12:19.720 male friends being really open about something, it's hard, like 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:22.360 it comes with a very like this is a big thing, 0:12:22.920 --> 0:12:24.800 Whereas I assume, as you're saying that, when you're talking 0:12:24.880 --> 0:12:26.959 it's just chit chat and it's how you feel. Whereas 0:12:27.000 --> 0:12:29.040 this is like, hey, I've got something to tell you. Yeah, 0:12:29.080 --> 0:12:31.360 and then it's a moment of this is what I've 0:12:31.400 --> 0:12:34.080 been struggling with. Yeah, and yeah, it feels a lot heavier, 0:12:34.120 --> 0:12:35.920 and therefore it feels a lot heavier to that person 0:12:36.000 --> 0:12:39.240 in sense as well. Your first chapter is called Master 0:12:39.360 --> 0:12:42.559 your Thoughts. You're right, your mind can be your home 0:12:42.800 --> 0:12:46.440 or your prison. You get to choose which. Talk to 0:12:46.440 --> 0:12:48.839 me about how your mind can be a home or 0:12:48.880 --> 0:12:49.360 a prison. 0:12:49.679 --> 0:12:51.840 When we really think about what are the barriers to 0:12:51.920 --> 0:12:57.200 confidence in a critic, I think everyone would agree is 0:12:57.200 --> 0:13:02.600 the biggest one. And I think that what I've really 0:13:03.120 --> 0:13:07.360 come to understand is how powerful our thoughts are, and 0:13:07.360 --> 0:13:10.840 that our thoughts really do shape our reality. And the 0:13:10.880 --> 0:13:15.200 reason for this is because thoughts become beliefs when they're 0:13:15.200 --> 0:13:19.640 repeated so many times, and what we believe about ourselves 0:13:19.920 --> 0:13:23.720 determines our whole experience of the world because it becomes 0:13:23.760 --> 0:13:29.120 the filter through which you view everything. Every interaction, every experience, 0:13:30.120 --> 0:13:33.280 everything is filtered through what you believe about yourself and 0:13:33.280 --> 0:13:36.560 the world and then interpreted. And so for a really 0:13:36.600 --> 0:13:39.360 clear example of this would be, let's say that you 0:13:39.400 --> 0:13:42.480 were to hold a belief that you are naturally not 0:13:42.559 --> 0:13:47.640 good with people. You have a belief that you're boring, 0:13:47.920 --> 0:13:49.800 perhaps you had a belief that you were bad at 0:13:49.840 --> 0:13:53.199 making friends. You then go to a dinner party and 0:13:53.240 --> 0:13:55.840 you meet someone new for the first time, and because 0:13:55.880 --> 0:13:58.679 you hold this belief, the way that you interpret this 0:13:58.760 --> 0:14:03.160 person's social caure use whether they you might really focus 0:14:03.160 --> 0:14:05.840 on the fact that they look over your shoulder, you 0:14:05.960 --> 0:14:08.880 may notice the fact that they didn't ask you a question, 0:14:09.040 --> 0:14:10.760 but you really focus on the fact that they just 0:14:10.760 --> 0:14:14.720 talked about themselves, and then you might really make the 0:14:14.760 --> 0:14:17.280 fact that they walked away to talk to someone else 0:14:17.360 --> 0:14:20.640 feel like this really big deal. And as a result 0:14:20.800 --> 0:14:22.800 of the fact that you're viewing it through this lens 0:14:22.800 --> 0:14:24.520 of I know, I'm not good with people, or I'm 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:27.440 not good at making new friends, what happens is you're 0:14:27.480 --> 0:14:29.600 focusing on the wrong cues, and then you likely become 0:14:29.640 --> 0:14:32.880 a bit defensive, and then you create a self fulfilling prophecy. 0:14:34.120 --> 0:14:36.320 Whereas if somebody had a belief like, oh, I'm really 0:14:36.320 --> 0:14:40.400 good with people, I'm great, I'm charismatic, people generally tend 0:14:40.400 --> 0:14:42.960 to like me, you're going to have the exact same interaction. 0:14:43.400 --> 0:14:46.040 You won't notice any of those cues, you won't misinterpret 0:14:46.080 --> 0:14:50.080 it maybe a neutral expression as disinterest, and so you're 0:14:50.080 --> 0:14:52.240 probably going to respond in a more positive way to 0:14:52.320 --> 0:14:55.960 that person and be more open, and then you'll create 0:14:56.360 --> 0:14:59.360 a reinforce that belief in yourself. And so this is 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:02.480 happening all all the time in our lives, and it's 0:15:02.520 --> 0:15:06.080 a lot easier for our brains to actually just find 0:15:06.120 --> 0:15:09.320 evidence to support what we already believe, rather than kind 0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:12.680 of find conflicting evidence and then have a new way 0:15:12.720 --> 0:15:17.520 of thinking. And so our minds really are keeping us 0:15:17.600 --> 0:15:22.560 stuck in these patterns. And I describe it like this 0:15:22.720 --> 0:15:26.040 in the book. Imagine that you're a comedian on stage 0:15:26.400 --> 0:15:29.280 and you're on stage and you're giving your set and 0:15:29.320 --> 0:15:32.200 the audience are booing you, they're like, get off the stage, 0:15:32.240 --> 0:15:36.960 and essentially they're heckling you. Now, that comedian on stage 0:15:38.480 --> 0:15:40.640 is never going to be able to give their best performance, 0:15:40.920 --> 0:15:43.960 right because they're going to feel self conscious, they're going 0:15:44.040 --> 0:15:48.600 to feel nervous. They're going to be overthinking everything that's 0:15:48.600 --> 0:15:50.560 coming out of their mouth, and so it's not going 0:15:50.560 --> 0:15:52.680 to be as relaxed. They might stumble on their words. 0:15:54.200 --> 0:15:56.160 But if they were to go out and give the 0:15:56.160 --> 0:16:00.280 same set and the audience was there cheering their like laughing, 0:16:00.920 --> 0:16:03.920 they are going to be so much more likely to 0:16:04.000 --> 0:16:06.480 give to deliver their best. Their jokes are going to 0:16:06.520 --> 0:16:09.280 be funnier, they're going to remember things. You know, it's 0:16:09.320 --> 0:16:12.320 going to be a fantastic show. Now, in our lives 0:16:12.400 --> 0:16:15.680 day to day, we are heckling ourselves, and so how 0:16:15.720 --> 0:16:18.200 do we expect ourselves to be able to put our 0:16:18.200 --> 0:16:21.480 best foot forward? And so it's really about understanding that 0:16:21.560 --> 0:16:24.920 our thoughts, which are then forming our beliefs, are having 0:16:25.040 --> 0:16:28.640 so much influence over not only how we feel, but 0:16:29.360 --> 0:16:34.200 who we become and you know, our whole lives. And 0:16:34.240 --> 0:16:38.280 so being able to master your thoughts really is the 0:16:38.360 --> 0:16:41.000 kind of like first of these a steps to knowing 0:16:41.040 --> 0:16:41.440 your worth. 0:16:41.760 --> 0:16:45.480 That heckle is so real and it happens from the 0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:47.000 moment you wake up, Like you wake up and you 0:16:47.040 --> 0:16:49.760 look in the mirror and you go, I look so tired. 0:16:50.480 --> 0:16:53.000 Oh I've put on a bit of way. Oh whatever 0:16:53.040 --> 0:16:54.800 it is, right, we all have our own version. I've 0:16:54.800 --> 0:16:58.000 got gray hairs, whatever it is. And then after that 0:16:58.040 --> 0:17:00.640 you're like, oh god, I'm late for work. And again 0:17:00.680 --> 0:17:03.480 it's like everything and we do it to ourselves every 0:17:03.560 --> 0:17:06.159 day all day. Or I shouldn't have spoken up in 0:17:06.200 --> 0:17:08.119 that meaning, Oh I should have spoken up in that meaning. 0:17:08.680 --> 0:17:11.000 Oh I said something stupid in that meaning, Oh I 0:17:11.000 --> 0:17:13.679 should have said more. Oh my, I'm not going to 0:17:13.680 --> 0:17:15.560 get a promotion. Oh I don't deserve you know, whatever 0:17:15.600 --> 0:17:19.320 it is. It's just it's crazy how incessant it is. Yeah, yeah, 0:17:19.359 --> 0:17:22.439 And it's like every tiny move it almost feels like 0:17:22.520 --> 0:17:25.679 you think someone's watching you on the big screen and 0:17:25.840 --> 0:17:28.879 analyzing you every move. And I wanted to ask you that, 0:17:28.960 --> 0:17:33.640 what's the difference between self awareness and self criticism? 0:17:33.840 --> 0:17:41.040 It's the intention behind it. I think that self awareness is, 0:17:41.359 --> 0:17:46.320 and I mean is about being able to say, let's 0:17:46.320 --> 0:17:49.719 say you've gone into a meeting and you've given a presentation, 0:17:50.440 --> 0:17:53.639 and afterwards and during the presentation, maybe you do mess up, 0:17:53.720 --> 0:17:56.320 maybe you don't say the right thing, maybe it's not 0:17:56.440 --> 0:18:00.399 your best performance. And afterwards, if you were to come out, 0:18:01.240 --> 0:18:05.000 self criticism would sound like, oh, you're such an idiot, 0:18:05.119 --> 0:18:08.160 why did you do that? Typical that you would. You're 0:18:08.200 --> 0:18:11.679 never going to get it. You've messed up. Self awareness 0:18:11.760 --> 0:18:17.560 is you know what? That wasn't your best But how 0:18:17.600 --> 0:18:19.960 can we improve for the next time? You know, there's 0:18:20.000 --> 0:18:23.000 a kind of there's a different way of approaching it 0:18:23.200 --> 0:18:26.200 because confidence is also not about ignoring all your flaws. 0:18:26.440 --> 0:18:28.840 It's not about just saying, oh my god, I'm just perfect. 0:18:28.880 --> 0:18:30.399 How I am. You know. I have a quote in 0:18:30.400 --> 0:18:32.880 the book where I say confidence is knowing that you're 0:18:33.040 --> 0:18:35.520 a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time. 0:18:36.200 --> 0:18:39.600 And so self awareness is important as humans we need 0:18:39.640 --> 0:18:42.359 to be growing and evolving. But it's how can you 0:18:42.400 --> 0:18:46.360 actually notice perhaps your flaws, perhaps areas where you could 0:18:46.440 --> 0:18:48.679 be better and do better, but approach it in a 0:18:48.720 --> 0:18:52.159 way that feels really compassionate, That feels because you know, 0:18:52.280 --> 0:18:55.240 in that compassion, you're actually giving yourself the best opportunity. 0:18:55.320 --> 0:18:57.800 Think about a child, right If you want a child 0:18:57.880 --> 0:19:00.639 to learn a new skill, you're not going to go 0:19:00.680 --> 0:19:03.720 and just break them. You know, when I'm teaching Wolf maths, 0:19:04.080 --> 0:19:07.199 if I'm like, oh, you idiot, how didn't you get that, 0:19:08.160 --> 0:19:10.680 he's going to be like I forget it, I think 0:19:10.720 --> 0:19:14.359 he would be traumatized and he'd never he'd hate maths 0:19:14.359 --> 0:19:16.520 for all the rest of his life. And yet that's 0:19:16.560 --> 0:19:19.560 how we talk to ourselves all the time. We're just 0:19:20.280 --> 0:19:25.600 you know, telling ourselves, we're just mean. We're mean to ourselves. 0:19:25.640 --> 0:19:29.800 And it is so exhausting. And I know that so 0:19:29.960 --> 0:19:35.080 many people listening are just tired. They're just tired of 0:19:36.240 --> 0:19:39.840 constantly being in this battle with themselves and you just 0:19:39.880 --> 0:19:42.240 get to a point and you're like, I just don't 0:19:42.240 --> 0:19:43.600 want to live like this anymore. 0:19:43.800 --> 0:19:45.480 Yeah, yeah, yeah, No, it's so right. 0:19:45.520 --> 0:19:47.680 And it's interesting because we always say like you should 0:19:47.680 --> 0:19:49.320 talk to yourself as you talk to a friend, that 0:19:50.080 --> 0:19:51.879 it's almost like talk to yourself like you talk to 0:19:51.920 --> 0:19:55.120 a child. Yeah, because from what you just said Wolf 0:19:55.200 --> 0:19:58.120 like teaching him maths. It's like there's a inner child 0:19:58.200 --> 0:20:02.159 inside every single one of us that is lacking in confidence, 0:20:02.920 --> 0:20:06.400 that was criticized and was heckled while they were growing up. 0:20:07.200 --> 0:20:09.520 It's not even talking to a friend, it's talking to 0:20:09.560 --> 0:20:12.160 this younger person inside of yourself and your younger self 0:20:12.200 --> 0:20:15.240 and saying, yeah, it's okay that you're not going to 0:20:15.320 --> 0:20:17.200 mess right now, like you know you wouldn't you would, 0:20:17.359 --> 0:20:19.919 that's what you'd say to you. Yeah, And you wouldn't 0:20:19.920 --> 0:20:21.800 tell them to get his act together or grow up 0:20:21.960 --> 0:20:23.520 or you should get it by now. 0:20:23.640 --> 0:20:24.760 Yeah. 0:20:24.800 --> 0:20:29.960 And it's hard. It's really difficult when you are familiar 0:20:30.000 --> 0:20:35.360 with the inner critic. It is really challenging at first 0:20:35.680 --> 0:20:38.840 to be able to actually pause on the kind of 0:20:38.920 --> 0:20:42.560 like spiraling thoughts and speak to yourself kindly. You know, 0:20:42.560 --> 0:20:45.080 when I if I ask people like, I want you 0:20:45.119 --> 0:20:48.560 to just repeat inside your head, like I love who 0:20:48.600 --> 0:20:53.280 I am, I am so thoughtful, I'm such a good friend, 0:20:54.760 --> 0:20:57.600 I'm so proud of everything I've achieved. A lot of 0:20:57.640 --> 0:21:00.720 people will not even say it inside their heads, even 0:21:00.760 --> 0:21:03.679 though no one else can hear them, because they feel cringe. 0:21:04.000 --> 0:21:07.199 They feel like it's embarrassing, and that's how uncomfortable it 0:21:07.240 --> 0:21:09.840 is for most people. So I really don't want people 0:21:09.920 --> 0:21:13.000 to think that. I assume it's really easy to change 0:21:13.040 --> 0:21:15.119 from having this in a critic to this kind and 0:21:15.160 --> 0:21:20.399 a cheerleader. But it is absolutely possible, and with practice, 0:21:20.520 --> 0:21:23.480 it becomes more comfortable and it becomes easier. And so 0:21:24.000 --> 0:21:27.760