1 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:08,480 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girls podcasts, a 2 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:13,360 Speaker 1: weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the 3 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,480 Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible 4 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:21,160 Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford, 5 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:26,200 Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information, 6 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:30,560 Speaker 1: visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. 7 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:33,479 Speaker 1: And while I hope you love listening to and learning 8 00:00:33,479 --> 00:00:36,120 Speaker 1: from the podcast, it is not meant to be a 9 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:45,000 Speaker 1: substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, 10 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:48,680 Speaker 1: thanks so much for joining me for session of the 11 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:53,760 Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls podcast. For today's episode, we'll be 12 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:56,880 Speaker 1: looking at the multiple roles we have as women and 13 00:00:56,960 --> 00:01:00,720 Speaker 1: how these roles can impact how we see ourselves. For 14 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:04,880 Speaker 1: this conversation, I was joined by Sarah Elisey, who is 15 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:08,800 Speaker 1: a licensed mental health counselor in the state of Florida. 16 00:01:08,959 --> 00:01:12,399 Speaker 1: Sarah is the owner of Sounder Mind Wellness Center, a 17 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:16,400 Speaker 1: therapy and life coaching practice promoting female mental health and 18 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:20,959 Speaker 1: well being. She has over thirteen years of clinical experience 19 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:25,920 Speaker 1: and is an expert in mental health, trauma, dependency, court 20 00:01:25,959 --> 00:01:32,319 Speaker 1: and child welfare and non profit management. She is an entrepreneur, writer, 21 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:36,920 Speaker 1: and public speaker. Sarah has a passion to empower and 22 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:41,520 Speaker 1: help women heal and create healthy relationships and experienced joy 23 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:45,840 Speaker 1: in their lives. Sarah has a Baschelor's degree in psychology 24 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:50,440 Speaker 1: from Florida International University and a master's degree in counseling 25 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:55,400 Speaker 1: from Barry University. Sarah and I chatted about some of 26 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:59,240 Speaker 1: the ways our multiple roles as women impact our identity, 27 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:03,520 Speaker 1: how to hold on to who we are after life transitions, 28 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:07,920 Speaker 1: mommy guilt, and how to manage all of these roles 29 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:11,880 Speaker 1: while making sure we're taking care of ourselves. If you 30 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:15,400 Speaker 1: hear something that resonates with you while listening, please be 31 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:18,360 Speaker 1: sure to share it with us on social media using 32 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:24,480 Speaker 1: the hashtag tv G in Session. Here's our conversation. Thanks 33 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,480 Speaker 1: so much for joining us today, Sarah, You're very welcome. 34 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:30,160 Speaker 1: I'm excited to have you chat with us um and 35 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:32,280 Speaker 1: I know in a couple of the other episodes we've 36 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:34,560 Speaker 1: kind of talked a little bit about mom guilt and 37 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:38,280 Speaker 1: like the multiple hats that moms where, but I'm excited 38 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:41,079 Speaker 1: that we will kind of dive into it fully today. 39 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:44,280 Speaker 1: So I want to start by asking you why do 40 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 1: you think that there is such a sense of guilt 41 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,399 Speaker 1: for moms when we feel like we can't be all 42 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,920 Speaker 1: things to all people as moms, you know, the world 43 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,400 Speaker 1: often tells us that we have to be able to 44 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:58,960 Speaker 1: do it all um and we have to give up 45 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,840 Speaker 1: ourselves to take care of our families, take care of 46 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:06,040 Speaker 1: our children, and when we feel like we're unable to 47 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:09,359 Speaker 1: do that, it makes you feel as if like you're 48 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:13,240 Speaker 1: not worth it, or like what you're doing is not enough, 49 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:16,160 Speaker 1: and you kind of like feel guilty about not being 50 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:19,400 Speaker 1: able to give your all and be the best everything 51 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:22,040 Speaker 1: that you're doing. Yeah, so I think you mentioned an 52 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,600 Speaker 1: important word that I think is typically a trigger for 53 00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:26,360 Speaker 1: a lot of women, this whole sense of like not 54 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,880 Speaker 1: being enough, you know, like wanting to kind of be 55 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,000 Speaker 1: the best mom and the best partner and the best 56 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,760 Speaker 1: employee or business owner, you know, all of these things, 57 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,240 Speaker 1: and when we feel like we're not like being enough, 58 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:39,240 Speaker 1: that it can trigger some of these feelings of guilt, definitely, 59 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:42,560 Speaker 1: because you want to be that person. You don't want 60 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:45,240 Speaker 1: the world to see you as if she's not doing 61 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,760 Speaker 1: enough and you're not a bit of and sometimes you know, 62 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:51,080 Speaker 1: there's that inner competition with others where you're like, Okay, 63 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:53,440 Speaker 1: how is she able to like be at the PTA 64 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,240 Speaker 1: meetings and I'll also be able to take care of 65 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:58,600 Speaker 1: the household and go to work and I can't I 66 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:01,520 Speaker 1: do that. Yeah, glad you brought that up there, because 67 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,680 Speaker 1: I do think and you said, you know, like an 68 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:07,000 Speaker 1: inner composition, because it isn't typically like an outwork kind 69 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,080 Speaker 1: of thing, right, like where the other moms even know 70 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:12,160 Speaker 1: that you're competing with them, But sometimes there can be 71 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:14,600 Speaker 1: like this sense of competition. What do you think that 72 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:18,240 Speaker 1: comes from? But if it comes from what society says 73 00:04:18,279 --> 00:04:21,200 Speaker 1: that as a mom, you're supposed to be able to 74 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,919 Speaker 1: be the best at what you do. And also within ourselves, 75 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:26,440 Speaker 1: we have our inner struggles where we don't want people 76 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:30,080 Speaker 1: to think that we can't or we don't want people 77 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:33,640 Speaker 1: to see us as if, um, we're unable to do 78 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:37,080 Speaker 1: things and that you know, you don't have your life together. 79 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:41,960 Speaker 1: There's just no that inner struggle that you have and 80 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:44,400 Speaker 1: you don't want to see that you're weak and that 81 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:47,240 Speaker 1: you don't have your life together. Yeah, So it sounds 82 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:49,080 Speaker 1: like a lot of it comes down to, you know, 83 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:52,520 Speaker 1: what are pretty much like unrealistic expectations because none of 84 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,039 Speaker 1: us have it all together right, Um, you know, like 85 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:59,240 Speaker 1: nobody is perfect anything, and so comparing ourselves to these 86 00:04:59,279 --> 00:05:02,520 Speaker 1: unrealistic standers can really set us up for failure. I 87 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:04,920 Speaker 1: think in a lot of ways, you're very right. You're 88 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,479 Speaker 1: very right, and that's the thing that really those unrealistic 89 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:14,280 Speaker 1: expectations are what create the challenges and create unhappiness in 90 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:18,120 Speaker 1: our lives at times where you put yourself in a 91 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,960 Speaker 1: way where you can't be perfect as a mom, as 92 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,880 Speaker 1: a woman, you feel like you have to be perfect 93 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:27,600 Speaker 1: and us have to get things right, and it overshadows 94 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,479 Speaker 1: who really are. So I know that you mentioned that 95 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,600 Speaker 1: a common theme that had been coming up in your 96 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:36,920 Speaker 1: practice is women who like, we're struggling to hold onto 97 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:41,000 Speaker 1: pieces of their identities after something like becoming a mom. 98 00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:43,599 Speaker 1: Can you say more about that, and like, in what 99 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,960 Speaker 1: ways does that show up for women as a mom? 100 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,599 Speaker 1: You know, who were many hats as women, we were 101 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:51,960 Speaker 1: many hats, and you know they're often overshadowed, right who 102 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,400 Speaker 1: we really are? Right? So, as a mom and as 103 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:58,000 Speaker 1: a business owner, and I have women in a practice 104 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,919 Speaker 1: who comes in and they're like, you know, I have 105 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,320 Speaker 1: to give my best to my children, and I have 106 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:07,480 Speaker 1: to put my dreams on hold, right, And they feel 107 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:10,000 Speaker 1: guilty when you know, I want to go back to school, 108 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,800 Speaker 1: I want to start a business, but you know, I 109 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:15,040 Speaker 1: should be able to take care of my children and 110 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:18,520 Speaker 1: make sure that they have everything that they need or 111 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,760 Speaker 1: their goals are accomplished, and maybe I should wait. And 112 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:25,920 Speaker 1: a lot of women feel guilty when you know they 113 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,120 Speaker 1: want to do things for themselves and they want to 114 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:31,240 Speaker 1: work on those goals. They really feel guilty and they 115 00:06:31,279 --> 00:06:34,479 Speaker 1: have and it really affects them to the point where 116 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,719 Speaker 1: they're like, and I'm not a good mom, I'm not 117 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,200 Speaker 1: a good person. I shouldn't be thinking this way. I 118 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:41,479 Speaker 1: should be given my aunt to my children. I should 119 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:44,560 Speaker 1: be given my all, you know, to my partner. So 120 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:47,000 Speaker 1: what suggestions would you have for them to, you know, 121 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,279 Speaker 1: try to maybe change some of that thinking, or to 122 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,000 Speaker 1: try to examine some of that thinking that they may 123 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:54,040 Speaker 1: be having. I would say, find out who you are 124 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:57,080 Speaker 1: outside of those roles. Find out who you are truly 125 00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:00,279 Speaker 1: outside of the role of being a mom um. Learn 126 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,000 Speaker 1: what you like and what you don't like. What are 127 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:06,359 Speaker 1: your dreams, what are your visions. It's okay to go 128 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:09,600 Speaker 1: after your dreams. And not have to feel guilty about it. 129 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,800 Speaker 1: You know, that's where balance comes in, creating a system 130 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,680 Speaker 1: that will allow you to maintain a healthy household, a 131 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:18,240 Speaker 1: healthy business and career and not have to give up 132 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,200 Speaker 1: on the things that you want. So I think that 133 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,520 Speaker 1: that would be a great place to kind of go next, 134 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:24,560 Speaker 1: because I think they're probably there are a lot of 135 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,560 Speaker 1: people who are listening who are like, yeah, you know, 136 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,720 Speaker 1: I agree with that, but have no idea where to start. Like, 137 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,000 Speaker 1: you know, there's just too many irons in the fire. 138 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,840 Speaker 1: They're just doing too much and just don't even know 139 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,600 Speaker 1: where to start. So like, where could you even start to? 140 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 1: You know, kind of get some systems or something in 141 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,560 Speaker 1: place that allows you to kind of manage all of 142 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:45,840 Speaker 1: these multiple roles. For example, you gotta have balance, right 143 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,080 Speaker 1: so right now on your goals and create action steps 144 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,920 Speaker 1: that are measurable so that you will be able to 145 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,880 Speaker 1: visually see progress. You know, we get upset when it 146 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:57,360 Speaker 1: seems that we aren't accomplishing anything. You know, set your 147 00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:01,640 Speaker 1: expectations and communicate them. You can't expect people to know 148 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,880 Speaker 1: how you feel, what you like and don't like if 149 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,920 Speaker 1: you don't let them know. Okay, the way you communicate 150 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,760 Speaker 1: is important as well. You know, I believe communication is 151 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:14,240 Speaker 1: an art. It's a very beautiful thing when it's done 152 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:19,480 Speaker 1: effectively and efficiently. We avoid so many misunderstandings when we 153 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:23,080 Speaker 1: learn how to articulate our emotions to others. And next, 154 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:26,160 Speaker 1: you have to delegate and accept help. No matter how 155 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,200 Speaker 1: much we think we can, it's impossible to do everything 156 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:33,440 Speaker 1: on your own and not eventually burn out. There's nothing 157 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,240 Speaker 1: wrong with saying that you need help. Figure out what 158 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,600 Speaker 1: you can do on your own, like those things you 159 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,160 Speaker 1: really enjoy, and then the things you don't that may 160 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,720 Speaker 1: take up most of your time, assign them to someone 161 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:48,560 Speaker 1: else to do. And then next, limit your distractions. Ask yourself, 162 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,280 Speaker 1: with this add value to what I'm doing right now? 163 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:55,679 Speaker 1: Can it wait for later? Use a planner, whether it's 164 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:59,560 Speaker 1: paper or electronically. This will help you stay on track 165 00:08:59,679 --> 00:09:03,160 Speaker 1: and be more productive. Schedule time to read your emails, 166 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,839 Speaker 1: make calls, and put your phone away while you're getting 167 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:09,720 Speaker 1: things done. The next thing, separate your work at home, 168 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,120 Speaker 1: even if you work from home. Draw that line and 169 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:16,320 Speaker 1: try your very best to not cross it. This will 170 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:21,080 Speaker 1: decrease your frustration, increase the quality of your relationships with 171 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:25,240 Speaker 1: your partner, your children, and also be mindful of the 172 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:29,240 Speaker 1: interaction you have with others. Are you always checking emails 173 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:32,800 Speaker 1: on the phone or are you present? This communicates to 174 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,840 Speaker 1: others that they are important to you and that you 175 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:39,080 Speaker 1: value their existence. And last, but not least, scared your 176 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,480 Speaker 1: time for yourself. If you don't take care of yourself 177 00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:45,480 Speaker 1: and you're not well, you can't help someone else. You 178 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:49,680 Speaker 1: have to be okay. First. It's not selfish at all 179 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:53,400 Speaker 1: to think about yourself and to create time to recharge. 180 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,439 Speaker 1: The people in your life will thank you for it. 181 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,640 Speaker 1: Self care is a world that we've been hearing all lately, 182 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:03,520 Speaker 1: but it's important. Yeah, those are some really good actionable strategy, Sarah, 183 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,400 Speaker 1: thank you for sharing it. I think the other side 184 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,440 Speaker 1: of the mom guilt conversation because I think we often 185 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,960 Speaker 1: hear it related to like moms who want to maybe 186 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,839 Speaker 1: be spending more time with their children and get really 187 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,480 Speaker 1: upset if they have to like miss a play or 188 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,240 Speaker 1: miss something. But I think there's also another side to 189 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:22,719 Speaker 1: it where some moms really feel like they miss like 190 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:25,720 Speaker 1: the business side of things, right, Like you know, motherhood 191 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,800 Speaker 1: maybe is becoming like too much a part of their 192 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:30,240 Speaker 1: life and kind of feel guilty about the fact that 193 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,760 Speaker 1: they maybe want to be spending more time in their business. 194 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,880 Speaker 1: What kinds of things might you do to work with 195 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:36,800 Speaker 1: that kind of client who might come in saying something 196 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,360 Speaker 1: like that, First, who would evaluate what it is that 197 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:43,600 Speaker 1: you're feeling, recognized as feeling, actually validate them, and began 198 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:49,000 Speaker 1: creating like action steps to stop feeling that way. Also 199 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,320 Speaker 1: honor the fact that, you know, recognize that, Okay, I 200 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:54,160 Speaker 1: feel guilty, I'm not you know, I feel like I'm 201 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,000 Speaker 1: not doing enough or you know, this is not the 202 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:59,920 Speaker 1: right time for me to start my business and create 203 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:03,880 Speaker 1: you know, goals and create an action plant where you 204 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:07,360 Speaker 1: can be able to balance starting that business or moving 205 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,920 Speaker 1: forward in your career and at the same time, how 206 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:13,520 Speaker 1: can I be able to incorporate it all, you know, 207 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:17,600 Speaker 1: having time for my children, having time to attend to 208 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,080 Speaker 1: their needs, and at the same time having time to 209 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:23,800 Speaker 1: attend to my needs my goal as well. Okay, so 210 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:27,040 Speaker 1: you would kind of start with the clarification around, you know, like, 211 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:30,200 Speaker 1: what are they actually feeling? Yes, find out exactly what 212 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:34,320 Speaker 1: you're feeling, and recognize and honor those feelings and move towards, 213 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,200 Speaker 1: you know, creating whatever goal it is that's going to 214 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:41,080 Speaker 1: help you to start decreasing that guilt. I'm curious, Sarah, 215 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:44,760 Speaker 1: what do you think actually shifts for women after becoming 216 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:47,440 Speaker 1: a mom? Like, it seems like there are there's a 217 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:50,520 Speaker 1: lot that kind of comes up after you become a parent, right, 218 00:11:50,559 --> 00:11:53,560 Speaker 1: like changes in your role, changes in your priorities. What 219 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,640 Speaker 1: do you think really are some of those shifts that 220 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,040 Speaker 1: come up for women after they become a mom. After 221 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,719 Speaker 1: you become a mom is like you kind of like 222 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:04,040 Speaker 1: trying to get into your own and try to figure out, Okay, 223 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:07,400 Speaker 1: how can I balance this? How can I still have 224 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:12,920 Speaker 1: my identity, you know, personally and still be a great mom. 225 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,720 Speaker 1: How can I still be true to who I was 226 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,240 Speaker 1: before I was a mom? And you know, no matter 227 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:21,160 Speaker 1: what kind of training you may get, you know, you 228 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:23,640 Speaker 1: don't get like a full training to become a mom. 229 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:27,840 Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, it's like a life journey 230 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,280 Speaker 1: where you're you're you're training on the goal. You know, 231 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:33,600 Speaker 1: you're learning on the goal, and coming to mom bring 232 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:37,200 Speaker 1: so many different emotions where like you feel like sometimes 233 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:40,640 Speaker 1: you lose a sense of who you were, and that 234 00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:45,480 Speaker 1: made need to feeling resentful or feeling guilty for feeling 235 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:49,800 Speaker 1: that way, and so many different emotions come up because 236 00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:52,320 Speaker 1: you're like, Okay, what should I do? Should I act 237 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:56,080 Speaker 1: this way? How can I balance, you know, continuing to 238 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:59,760 Speaker 1: be who I was and being able to balance this 239 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:02,840 Speaker 1: new role that I have. So you say something, Sarah 240 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:07,000 Speaker 1: about this whole idea of like holding on to who 241 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:10,280 Speaker 1: you were before you became a mom, And in some 242 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:14,400 Speaker 1: ways I'm wondering if that it's also not an unrealistic expectation, 243 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,640 Speaker 1: you know, because I think you can hold on to 244 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,800 Speaker 1: some pieces of maybe who you were, but also have 245 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,240 Speaker 1: to allow for that to be very flexible and for 246 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:25,040 Speaker 1: that to look very different. You're right, it can be 247 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:28,600 Speaker 1: a very unrealistic expectation because this is the new journey 248 00:13:28,679 --> 00:13:32,360 Speaker 1: that you're evolving. You're getting a new role and you're evolving, 249 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:35,480 Speaker 1: and you have to give yourself the permission to be 250 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:38,680 Speaker 1: able to learn how to be in that new role 251 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:42,160 Speaker 1: and how to be and learn new things. And you're 252 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,319 Speaker 1: not really losing a sense of yourself. You're actually gaining 253 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,800 Speaker 1: because now you're getting a new role, you're learning new things, 254 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,199 Speaker 1: and it doesn't mean that you're going to lose who 255 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:55,680 Speaker 1: you are. You're actually adding value to who you are. Yeah, 256 00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:59,240 Speaker 1: like deepening your understanding of yourself and like stretching in 257 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:03,400 Speaker 1: ways that maybe you didn't even think we're possible. Yes, 258 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:07,760 Speaker 1: because from you learned so many things, like you like 259 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,040 Speaker 1: I didn't know I could do this, Like you know, 260 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,520 Speaker 1: you become more motivated, and it could actually help you 261 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:17,640 Speaker 1: to reach your goals or even give you more motivation 262 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:20,280 Speaker 1: because now you have this new being that you're living for, 263 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,160 Speaker 1: and you know you want to do the best that 264 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,320 Speaker 1: you can because you know, okay, this new being, you know, 265 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:29,560 Speaker 1: this new child, this baby is counting on me to 266 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:32,640 Speaker 1: be the best that I can be, and it actually 267 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,440 Speaker 1: adds that value to what it is that you want 268 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:38,080 Speaker 1: to do in life. Yes, Sarah, and I also think 269 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:41,280 Speaker 1: it's important to make sure that we're paying attention. You know. 270 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:44,520 Speaker 1: I had a recent episode with Dr Christopher Holloway about 271 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:47,440 Speaker 1: like postpartum depression and anxiety and how just all of 272 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,920 Speaker 1: that can also shape these experiences of mom yils and 273 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,800 Speaker 1: like how you're feeling about becoming a mom, especially if 274 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:55,520 Speaker 1: you know some of those things are in the play 275 00:14:55,560 --> 00:15:00,760 Speaker 1: in the background. Yes, Yes, because it does anxiety. You 276 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:04,360 Speaker 1: can start feeling anxious and it can lead to depression 277 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:08,640 Speaker 1: if you do recognize those things and allow yourself to 278 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:12,640 Speaker 1: actually sometimes get the help when those things happen. So, 279 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:15,440 Speaker 1: something else you mentioned, Sarah was about, you know, reaching 280 00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:17,280 Speaker 1: out for help, and I think you know, for a 281 00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:20,480 Speaker 1: lot of like really ambitious, really driven women, it can 282 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,160 Speaker 1: be sometimes difficult to reach out for help. So what 283 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,600 Speaker 1: are some suggestions you have for people of maybe you know, 284 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,240 Speaker 1: things they can share with their partners or other supportive 285 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,680 Speaker 1: people in their lives that would help them to kind 286 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,600 Speaker 1: of get the help that they need to you know, 287 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:37,400 Speaker 1: be successful in transition into the role as mom. So 288 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:41,800 Speaker 1: first tell yourself it's okay not to be okay, But 289 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,360 Speaker 1: you don't have to say that void right. You have 290 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,440 Speaker 1: to understand that healing does take time and it's a 291 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,640 Speaker 1: process and there's no time frame to it. So once 292 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,160 Speaker 1: you recognize you do need help, it doesn't mean that 293 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:56,640 Speaker 1: you're weak. You know, talk about it, write it down, 294 00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:00,520 Speaker 1: Hearing or seeing it makes a difference. It rings life 295 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:04,040 Speaker 1: to how you feel and what you've experienced it. Share 296 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:07,240 Speaker 1: it to someone you can confide in. That doesn't mean 297 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,560 Speaker 1: that you're going to immediately start feeling better, but it's 298 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:13,000 Speaker 1: the first step to overcoming those feelings and those emotions 299 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,520 Speaker 1: and you know, let others know how you feel. If 300 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:21,280 Speaker 1: someone offended you or treating you badly, you know, um, 301 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:24,440 Speaker 1: they need to hear it and may not change how 302 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:27,760 Speaker 1: they act or what they're doing. What it gives you 303 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,440 Speaker 1: a peace of mind that you're not caring that emotional 304 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,400 Speaker 1: baggage around. And do you have any suggestions like like 305 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:36,480 Speaker 1: more pointed suggestions from maybe talking with a partner, I 306 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,600 Speaker 1: would say, you know, you have to communicate with your 307 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,880 Speaker 1: partner and let them know how you feel because they 308 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:44,440 Speaker 1: don't know how they People cannot read our minds right, 309 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,720 Speaker 1: So you let them know, Hey, this is the help 310 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,440 Speaker 1: that I need, or this is how I'm feeling if 311 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,680 Speaker 1: we have to go and get help together, so you 312 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:55,280 Speaker 1: can understand what it is that I'm going through. Communicate 313 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:58,440 Speaker 1: those needs to them, Communicate your emotions to them, don't 314 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:01,560 Speaker 1: keep them in If it's hard for you to articulate 315 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:05,240 Speaker 1: it verbally, write it down and keep that line of 316 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:09,360 Speaker 1: communication open and be honest with them on how you 317 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:12,840 Speaker 1: feel so they can be able to start understanding and 318 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:15,320 Speaker 1: you can move forward in the relationship and you can 319 00:17:15,359 --> 00:17:19,119 Speaker 1: start getting that emotional support that you do need. That 320 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,399 Speaker 1: kind of reminds me of the conversation I had a 321 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:25,040 Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago with Melanie about like intentional communication 322 00:17:25,119 --> 00:17:27,560 Speaker 1: and how sometimes we expect like our partners to be 323 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,920 Speaker 1: mind readers, like, oh, they should just know that I'm 324 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:31,760 Speaker 1: tired from taking care of the baby and should be 325 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,359 Speaker 1: doing these things that you really sometimes do. You have 326 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,680 Speaker 1: to be very specific in your ask and in your 327 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,000 Speaker 1: request so that you do get your needs mad. You 328 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,879 Speaker 1: have to be if it's that you need them to 329 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:45,399 Speaker 1: watch the baby or you need sleep, let them know 330 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:49,160 Speaker 1: exactly how you feel and speak about it. If you're 331 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:52,480 Speaker 1: tired and you need to you know, I need more sleep, 332 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:55,359 Speaker 1: or I didn't like the way you did this. I 333 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,440 Speaker 1: felt like I didn't I felt like you didn't understand 334 00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:00,440 Speaker 1: what I was saying. UM, communicate that to them, let 335 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,920 Speaker 1: them know. Let your partner know that you do need 336 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,720 Speaker 1: help and I did do need your support. And when 337 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:09,159 Speaker 1: you're communicating that, you're communicating how you feel. It's not 338 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:12,040 Speaker 1: that you're, you know, telling them and you're dismissing how 339 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:17,240 Speaker 1: they feel. It becomes a collaborative conversation where I understand 340 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:20,240 Speaker 1: how you feel as well. But here, here's what I'm 341 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:23,239 Speaker 1: going through, and here's the help that I need. I 342 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,879 Speaker 1: need your support. Let's do this together. Here's how you 343 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,119 Speaker 1: can help me. I like that idea of a collaborative conversation, right, 344 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,480 Speaker 1: because then it doesn't feel so much like I tell 345 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,000 Speaker 1: you what I need and then you tell me what 346 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:36,360 Speaker 1: you need. Working together to make sure everybody's needs a man. 347 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,640 Speaker 1: Nice nice. So are there other things you feel like 348 00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:43,840 Speaker 1: mom should considers to kind of reduce this feeling of 349 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:47,520 Speaker 1: guilt or you know, being able to much more effectively 350 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:51,880 Speaker 1: and realistically manage the multiple roles that they have. Definitely, 351 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:55,520 Speaker 1: you know, take time for yourself. You know it, create 352 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,480 Speaker 1: a tribe. I truly believe in creating a community and 353 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,720 Speaker 1: creating a tribe of some work. So when you need 354 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:04,160 Speaker 1: to take that time away and have that need time 355 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,879 Speaker 1: and maybe go to the spall or just go to 356 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,920 Speaker 1: like a Starbucks and sit down and have time for yourself. 357 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,719 Speaker 1: You need to get away sometimes and see like recharge. 358 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:16,480 Speaker 1: You need to create create that tribe, create that community 359 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:20,560 Speaker 1: of support. Be honest with yourself. Try to recognize the 360 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:24,159 Speaker 1: patterns of emotions if you have to track what's going on. 361 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:27,119 Speaker 1: You know today I feel sad at this time, you know, 362 00:19:27,359 --> 00:19:31,159 Speaker 1: keep a weekly mood tracker, so you can start recognizing 363 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,239 Speaker 1: the patterns because oftentimes we don't know what it is 364 00:19:34,359 --> 00:19:36,639 Speaker 1: that's making us feel the way that we are. Right. So, 365 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:39,239 Speaker 1: once you start to recognize the patterns, then you can 366 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:45,040 Speaker 1: start working towards fixing things and working towards improving your 367 00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:48,879 Speaker 1: mood and improving the way that you feel and start 368 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,800 Speaker 1: feeling better about yourself and about what's going on in 369 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:56,120 Speaker 1: your life. Nice. So, are there particular books or podcasts 370 00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:59,080 Speaker 1: or things, Sarah that you find yourself frequently recommending to 371 00:19:59,119 --> 00:20:04,760 Speaker 1: your clients. Really it is, yes, Actually I actually recommend 372 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:10,440 Speaker 1: the Working Well Self Care Journal by Pharah Harris. I 373 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:15,640 Speaker 1: always recommend therapy for Black girls, um, your podcast Dr 374 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:19,320 Speaker 1: Joy because I do have clients to come in. You're 375 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,520 Speaker 1: very welcome. I have a lot of clients to come in, 376 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:27,239 Speaker 1: and we actually use your podcasts as homework sometimes and 377 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:31,480 Speaker 1: we actually um sometimes they can't articularly how they feel, 378 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,280 Speaker 1: and by having me listen to that podcast, we are 379 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:37,800 Speaker 1: able to process what's going on and I can better 380 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:41,639 Speaker 1: understand how they're feeling, and then we go from there. 381 00:20:42,359 --> 00:20:48,080 Speaker 1: So there is a podcast by Lovey and uh So 382 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:52,560 Speaker 1: by my leak Um. She has an amazing podcast as 383 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:57,800 Speaker 1: well that I recommend promote positivity. I promote you know, 384 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:02,880 Speaker 1: positive as for me sans and UM, I use those 385 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:05,280 Speaker 1: and I actually recommend those to my clients and I 386 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,320 Speaker 1: they come back and tell me that you know, they 387 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:10,320 Speaker 1: are working and they are helping them to start seeing 388 00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:14,000 Speaker 1: a better sense of themselves, UM, start to understand who 389 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:18,520 Speaker 1: they are. And also it helps to have them move 390 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:22,800 Speaker 1: from the negative mindset and start to UM feeling better 391 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:26,720 Speaker 1: about themselves. Nice. Nice, So where can people find out 392 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,960 Speaker 1: more information about your practice, Sarah and any like social 393 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,920 Speaker 1: media handles that you'd like to share? So I am 394 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:39,560 Speaker 1: on Instagram, sound mound, vous m as well, some speaks 395 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:44,640 Speaker 1: on Twitter. My website is www dot sound my wellness 396 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,679 Speaker 1: dot com. Very cool and anything going on that you 397 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,480 Speaker 1: would like to share any information about. Yes, So I 398 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:54,720 Speaker 1: just launched The Amazing Clinician and it's a network for clinicians. 399 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:59,960 Speaker 1: We have an um Instagram UM it's called the Amazing Clinicians, 400 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:07,040 Speaker 1: and I am actually creating events for clinicians UM and 401 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:12,439 Speaker 1: also clients that we serve and promoting wellness, promoting you know, 402 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:17,439 Speaker 1: mental wellness, which is really important. And UM, I just 403 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:23,119 Speaker 1: enjoy seeing people get better. I enjoy seeing people moved 404 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,679 Speaker 1: past the hurt that's been holding them down and actually 405 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:30,920 Speaker 1: experiencing enjoy finally in their lives. I love it. Thank 406 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,639 Speaker 1: you so much, Sarah, thank you for joining us today. 407 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:37,160 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for having me dr Joy. Absolutely 408 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:40,359 Speaker 1: so thankful Sarah was able to share her expertise with 409 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,840 Speaker 1: us today. To learn more about her and her practice, 410 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:47,200 Speaker 1: visit the show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot 411 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:51,600 Speaker 1: com slash session, and please make sure to share your 412 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:54,119 Speaker 1: takeaways from the episode with us in your i G 413 00:22:54,359 --> 00:22:57,960 Speaker 1: stories are on Twitter, be sure to use the hashtag 414 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:01,360 Speaker 1: tv G and session so that we can find them 415 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:05,000 Speaker 1: and share them. If you're looking for a therapist in 416 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:09,080 Speaker 1: your area, be sure to visit the therapist directory at 417 00:23:09,119 --> 00:23:13,840 Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory, and don't 418 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:16,440 Speaker 1: forget to check out our Therapy for Black Girls store 419 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:20,560 Speaker 1: to grab a T shirt, sweatshirt, or a mug. You 420 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:23,280 Speaker 1: can do your shopping at Therapy for Black Girls dot 421 00:23:23,359 --> 00:23:26,919 Speaker 1: com slash shop. And if you want to continue this 422 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:30,720 Speaker 1: conversation with other sisters who listen to the podcast, join 423 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:33,720 Speaker 1: us over in the Thrive tribe at Therapy for Black 424 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:37,639 Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash tribe. Make sure you answer the 425 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:41,800 Speaker 1: three questions that are asked to gain jury. Thank you 426 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:44,439 Speaker 1: all so much for joining me again this week, and 427 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:47,080 Speaker 1: I look forward to continue in this conversation with you 428 00:23:47,160 --> 00:24:07,440 Speaker 1: all real soon. Take get care. M I doctor Actor. 429 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:17,560 Speaker 1: I doctor Actor