Speaker 1: Dat Niho here, I am speaking. There's your podcast. Welcome
Speaker 1: to the show. I'm in Los Angeles, um Noah and
Speaker 1: I are here in my airbnb in Santa Monica. We
Speaker 1: can't see ourselves on our screen because we look so
Speaker 1: gross today that I had to move it off the screen.
Speaker 1: Have you ever been in a zoom meeting and you
Speaker 1: like can't it's there that does give you the option
Speaker 1: to remove your window, you know, yes, but on riverside,
Speaker 1: which is what we record on, there is not that option.
Speaker 1: So I had to like zoom in on Anya and
Speaker 1: like move us to the side because I can't handle
Speaker 1: it today. There's no what was that? What do you see?
Speaker 1: Just just you you zoomed in? Yeah, you always look lovely.
Speaker 1: I don't know what's going on with It's just my
Speaker 1: head gets bigger every day, and my head does. I
Speaker 1: do have a huge head. My dad tried on my
Speaker 1: hat the other day and he goes, you got a
Speaker 1: big hat too, because he has a huge head. We
Speaker 1: have a large um dome I think it's called but
Speaker 1: like from the front, it doesn't look like I have
Speaker 1: a big head. But every hat on me, Like Chris
Speaker 1: the other day put on this baseball cap because he
Speaker 1: really likes it, and he brought it and I was
Speaker 1: so like flattered that he with his like very exact
Speaker 1: boy style, Like I can't buy him anything because he
Speaker 1: knows exactly what he likes. He never likes things that
Speaker 1: I would like for him, but he likes my hat.
Speaker 1: It's um my brother in law's canoe company thing, big muddy.
Speaker 1: And he took the hat to dinner and I was
Speaker 1: like yes, And then he tried to put it on
Speaker 1: and he was like swimming in it and he had
Speaker 1: to think, like he had to make it. I have
Speaker 1: a bigger head than my boyfriend. I just never it
Speaker 1: just means you have more hair. No, no, it's I
Speaker 1: mean that might be true recently. I love that. When
Speaker 1: I was in college, I was obsessed with Shinad O'Connor.
Speaker 1: I made like a life size collage like a serial
Speaker 1: killer on the side of my dorm room wall. And
Speaker 1: she has the most beautiful cranium. Yeah, it's like a
Speaker 1: perfect skull. I'm sure it's a double XL. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: always am testing the limits of baseball caps. I'm I
Speaker 1: don't and I don't like it's a snug fit because
Speaker 1: it um depresses my forehead, and then I have a
Speaker 1: line there and it depresses everyone to see me in
Speaker 1: that hat too. Hats Hats are the best baseball cap
Speaker 1: I know. I wish I had one. I have one
Speaker 1: in the other room. But baseball caps are the fucking best.
Speaker 1: They make you look cool. They're the sunglasses for your head. Well,
Speaker 1: sunglasses are for your head as well, but they're they
Speaker 1: make you feel secret surfacing black ball caps. I can't
Speaker 1: get enough. I want to wear them. I wish I
Speaker 1: could wear them on every TV appearance I have everything.
Speaker 1: They make you look cool. They make you look like
Speaker 1: you have a Selena Gomez sized forehead, which is a tiny,
Speaker 1: tiny forehead. My I have a large forehead. It goes
Speaker 1: all the way back like it's It's just it's not like,
Speaker 1: you know, the worst thing about my looks, but I
Speaker 1: do have a prominent forehead. You do. Look at this,
Speaker 1: hold on, hold on, I can't hear you, but look
Speaker 1: you're actually testing it with your hand. Yeah, oh yeah,
Speaker 1: mine's definitely. No. Oh that guy f PB you got
Speaker 1: some No you don't. But Selena Gomez. I love her forehead.
Speaker 1: She has like literally she could maybe fit a cute
Speaker 1: tip between her brow and her hairline. It's so good
Speaker 1: and she has just it makes you have a cute,
Speaker 1: little small face because I think kids don't have big
Speaker 1: forehead beauty ideal though, like Rita Hayworth had all her
Speaker 1: hair pulled out back in the day, because she has
Speaker 1: makes me a cotton mouth where I mean no, no, no,
Speaker 1: I don't like, Oh my god, I hate it so much.
Speaker 1: That made me more sick than last night. I went
Speaker 1: to um uh A. I went to my friend Natalie.
Speaker 1: She was on the show she does the dog rescue.
Speaker 1: So I went to go to her house to go
Speaker 1: look at this dog that I might rescue and out
Speaker 1: of We're gonna put it in a burning building and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna run into get it, just like really lean
Speaker 1: into the rescue part of it. And so I went
Speaker 1: to go beat this dog. But she has a blind
Speaker 1: dog because the dog had like eye problems and so
Speaker 1: it was nearly blind, but its eyes hurt and they
Speaker 1: would have to administer drops and it would bite anyone
Speaker 1: who would so they just had its eyes taken out
Speaker 1: because now it's not in pain, it's just you know,
Speaker 1: permanently blind. So she was like, yeah, but I got
Speaker 1: his eyes in a jar like she is so, and
Speaker 1: so she goes you want to and she was like,
Speaker 1: you want to see him? And she kind of was
Speaker 1: just like I could show him to it it if you want,
Speaker 1: and she kind of said it as like just a
Speaker 1: passing thought. But I was like, fuck yeah, I want
Speaker 1: to see these eyes in a jar. And so she
Speaker 1: cut out this jar and her dog's eyes were in
Speaker 1: it. It It was like this little, tiny jar. It was
Speaker 1: so cute. That made me less disgusted to see these
Speaker 1: like cloudy eyeballs of this this dog than what you
Speaker 1: just said about Rita Hayworth. I'm gonna I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: sick all day thinking about questioning her fucking hairline hairs out.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna that makes you sick rather eat eyeball or
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say another thing. You're okay t depths or
Speaker 1: pulling cotton out of your mouth that's no hair is
Speaker 1: the worst for me now, like plucking hairs like people
Speaker 1: with even I have so much empathy for trick tillomaniacs
Speaker 1: out there who are plucking their hairs to like calm down.
Speaker 1: But I can't handle if it's like in the back
Speaker 1: of your head amongst a lot of hairs, it's easier
Speaker 1: for me. But if it's on the edge, Oh, I
Speaker 1: don't know. Why do you have any of those? No? Sorry,
Speaker 1: just bru Do you have any of those? What like
Speaker 1: things that make you go Dad? I guess like something's
Speaker 1: like I related just like touching the eye. Oh sorry,
Speaker 1: I jar would have bummed you out. No, I just
Speaker 1: those eyes are out. Yeah, like if it's oh, don't
Speaker 1: pluck a hair off? No, no, it's trying to take
Speaker 1: something off your face. Okay. Um, so do I anything
Speaker 1: that like the worth of my nose, anything that involved
Speaker 1: I touching? Okay, so contact lenses lasick. Yeah, but I
Speaker 1: could do contact contacts Lasick. I want to do it
Speaker 1: so bad, but I'm really trying to get over this
Speaker 1: eye stuff. I can tell you enough. Like I know Lasick.
Speaker 1: Lasic Plus is one of our sponsors, and I got
Speaker 1: LASI through them. I can't wait to go back and
Speaker 1: have my other eye done. So I'm getting my other
Speaker 1: I done for sure, because the one eye isn't really
Speaker 1: working for me. It's a soothing process. I got to
Speaker 1: bring Taylor with me. Everyone's so nice. You're in and out.
Speaker 1: Chris is gonna get it done to it Lasic plus,
Speaker 1: like I'm like obsessed with the doctors there. It's just
Speaker 1: they are so chill about it, but they're not chill
Speaker 1: in a way like I hate when you go play
Speaker 1: I think I've said this before. I hate when you
Speaker 1: go places and they're too chill about what's happening. Veneers
Speaker 1: like where they're just like, yeah, you're just gonna get it,
Speaker 1: and you're like, no, I need to like hear everything
Speaker 1: that you're doing, Like I know you guys do this
Speaker 1: every day, but I don't. It's kind of like the
Speaker 1: way I was with my family with reality show. I
Speaker 1: was just like, the cameras are gonna be here and
Speaker 1: it's gonna be fine because I'm used to that, but
Speaker 1: they were like freaking anacking Yeah, And I didn't have
Speaker 1: enough compassion for her experience. I was just thinking about
Speaker 1: my own experience and how it must be the same
Speaker 1: as hers because I lack empathy because of my mom.
Speaker 1: It's all ironic, But but at Lasic, they just like
Speaker 1: hold your hand through it. Literally during it. You don't
Speaker 1: there's no do you smell anything? Yes flowers that they
Speaker 1: give you at the end, No, you do smell They
Speaker 1: tell it that's the only thing that I could say
Speaker 1: that you might like, you don't feel anything. I'm not
Speaker 1: kidding you. Like you, there's no like needles involved. There's
Speaker 1: no like you know that there's lasers, but you don't
Speaker 1: feel the laser. You don't see the laser. They were
Speaker 1: talking to me the whole time. They were just going,
Speaker 1: your lashes are so long, and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I use this Lattisse knock off, like I think it's
Speaker 1: made me blind and I was just like, but they
Speaker 1: were like, your lashes are incredible. They're just talking to
Speaker 1: me about my lashes the whole time, and then we
Speaker 1: were talking about makeup. It was you go to one
Speaker 1: machine and then you go to another. It's done within
Speaker 1: like three minutes tops. I'm not even joking you. And
Speaker 1: you do smell like a burning but it's like because
Speaker 1: someone's like, you know, over coaked potato in the break room,
Speaker 1: like it's it's not bad at all, and you don't
Speaker 1: really like get COVID before it, so you won't smell anything.
Speaker 1: I'm just making conversation while they're doing lasak. Yeah, because
Speaker 1: he's done ninety seven thousand procedures. Have you I've never
Speaker 1: done anything that many times in my life, I haven't
Speaker 1: blinked ninety eight seven ninety seven thousand times, so like
Speaker 1: this is nothing to him. So yeah, he was trying
Speaker 1: to distract because he's so used to people being so nervous.
Speaker 1: But I was just ye, I wasn't nervous at all.
Speaker 1: But they also give you, um, like a relax like
Speaker 1: valium or something if you want it, or Zanex or something.
Speaker 1: Beforehand I tried to go. They were like, do you
Speaker 1: want some Xanax? And I was like, can I have
Speaker 1: it for the road? Dogging back, They're like, no, this
Speaker 1: is how like this is for your your feelings now,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, but I think tomorrow it might be
Speaker 1: like anxious about this like show I'm doing. And they're like, no,
Speaker 1: we can't, just like get me. But they were they
Speaker 1: were cracking up because I was like, I don't need
Speaker 1: it now. I'm very relaxed, Like I actually looking forward
Speaker 1: to laying down and just like having someone gently talked
Speaker 1: to me about my lashes. But um, that's like ob GYNs.
Speaker 1: They're like, so, what's your major? You're like your knee deep,
Speaker 1: elbow deep, yes, or dentist. I know it's such a
Speaker 1: hack thing, but they always ask you questions when their
Speaker 1: fingers are in your mouth, and it's like, really, that's bizarre.
Speaker 1: Did you notice the other day I put in the
Speaker 1: thing about male gynecologists in my act. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: your act was so much Now I came to see
Speaker 1: me the other night. I went to see Nikki at
Speaker 1: the URB so much. I don't know if that's a
Speaker 1: great no, it's it's there's I mean, like, there's so
Speaker 1: much material and it's the first time I've seen you
Speaker 1: in a club in a really long time. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: for you know, like I've heard you talk about stuff
Speaker 1: on the podcast, So for besties who can go see Nikki, like,
Speaker 1: it's so fun to hear how you put all these
Speaker 1: things together. Yeah. I wouldn't have done that kynecologist thing
Speaker 1: had the pod not like open that fucking world up
Speaker 1: to me. But everyone's on board so much, and so
Speaker 1: you know, like I was thinking and I was only
Speaker 1: in the car, like all the comedians had their own style,
Speaker 1: and I was like, what is it about nikkis that
Speaker 1: like pop so much? And you're like one of the
Speaker 1: few comedians who you don't just like tell stories and
Speaker 1: like do social commentary. You talk about the things that
Speaker 1: like the thoughts that everybody has, but we don't let
Speaker 1: it out of our id. It's like like it stays
Speaker 1: in the inn and you just like bring it to
Speaker 1: the surface, and it's just like it's so funny. We
Speaker 1: had such a good time. Oh that's so nice. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Like I just because I've always been talking about like
Speaker 1: we shouldn't trust male babies. There's like I have this
Speaker 1: whole rant about like protecting your kids from pedophiles, and
Speaker 1: I go, I'm just gonna keep going, like I'm like
Speaker 1: swim coaches, like men should not be able to be
Speaker 1: children's swim coaches, children's gymnastics coaches, but below a certain age,
Speaker 1: like anyone who's like your kids genitals are like within
Speaker 1: their hands reach no. Yeah, And anyone who like kind
Speaker 1: of disagrees with me, I kind of think, like I'm right.
Speaker 1: I'm like, especially with I was so nervous on the
Speaker 1: podcast to say that I'm suspicious of male gynecologists, but
Speaker 1: then we were flooded with stories of male guynecologists being creeps.
Speaker 1: And then of course people sent us articles about these
Speaker 1: are male guy ecologists and this is why they do it,
Speaker 1: and the their reasoning was creepy, like a lot of
Speaker 1: those reasonings, like I really have not been given too
Speaker 1: many like it, Like I don't know like proof would
Speaker 1: that it's not weird. And I will say that I'm
Speaker 1: sure ninety percent of male guynecologists get into it for
Speaker 1: the right reasons, But ten percent is a lot of gynecologists.
Speaker 1: I don't even know if after hearing all the feedback,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't even say, I'm not even tas Just think
Speaker 1: about it. If you are in med school and you
Speaker 1: have the option of doing anything, why would you choose
Speaker 1: the one where you get to have your hand inside
Speaker 1: a woman and she is going to allow you to
Speaker 1: do anything. Because we don't see doctors they can't move,
Speaker 1: and we trust doctors like and we should we hopefully
Speaker 1: we can like and I would even say pediatricians, like
Speaker 1: I've heard about people being molested in front of their
Speaker 1: parents at the pediatrician because the people tramatologists did it
Speaker 1: to me When I was seventeen or eighteen, I had
Speaker 1: some moles and I and then this, yeah, he made
Speaker 1: my mom leave the room. I think I was maybe eighteen,
Speaker 1: but I was just on the verge. And then he
Speaker 1: exam he goes you have to get composedly naked. And
Speaker 1: he was so short, so disgusting, so creepy, and then
Speaker 1: he walked around me slowly. Sorry trigger warning, but I'm
Speaker 1: just reporting. And then he just in my ear he goes,
Speaker 1: you have a beautiful body. I can put your clothes
Speaker 1: on now. Disgusting. And then my mom came back in
Speaker 1: and I told her immediately, I go I hate him.
Speaker 1: I told her what happened, and she was like, that's awful,
Speaker 1: and well him did nothing, did nothing because people are
Speaker 1: terrified of doctors. They're egomaniacs. They are just they're like,
Speaker 1: you know, that's the documentary Stolen Youth. Like I wouldn't
Speaker 1: trust myself about around that guy, even though I know
Speaker 1: what his ways, I believe he is probably Yeah, he's
Speaker 1: so sexual. I just want to hold his penis as
Speaker 1: a sleupid thing. But that's part of the die. Um.
Speaker 1: I just want to rub my tits on that end.
Speaker 1: Oh god, he's so gross. But it's just like, I
Speaker 1: don't think you're going to outsmart these people, or don't
Speaker 1: think that you're going to be different than other women
Speaker 1: in these circumstances. Like I've told this before, but I
Speaker 1: have a friend who's probably like the out of everyone
Speaker 1: I've ever known in my life in terms of women,
Speaker 1: she's probably been in the most bar fights of any
Speaker 1: woman I know, like most scraps with other women. Like
Speaker 1: she's just like a ballbuster, she's like intimidating. And she
Speaker 1: went to a massius, a male masseus, and he fingered
Speaker 1: her asshole. And this person who calls out any injustice
Speaker 1: around her, like I'm scared of her, did nothing because
Speaker 1: and she said, I couldn't do anything. I froze. I
Speaker 1: didn't know what to do. She was she was disgusted
Speaker 1: with herself that she didn't do anything afterwards. She didn't
Speaker 1: want to. She couldn't even call the place to you know, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, say anything about it. Luckily that place another
Speaker 1: girl there that same day got her asshole fingered as well,
Speaker 1: and so a lawyer went and that represented that woman,
Speaker 1: looked at their books for the day and said who
Speaker 1: else saw this guy, and called every one of them.
Speaker 1: And she got a call from this lawyer being like,
Speaker 1: at this salon, were you fingered or did anything? And
Speaker 1: she was like yes. So that's the only way that
Speaker 1: she ever ended up seing this guy. I think it's
Speaker 1: really a personality thing because a couple of days ago,
Speaker 1: I told you we went to a restaurant ABV and
Speaker 1: I and some woman fainted at the bar and she
Speaker 1: just fell back and I saw it happy with my
Speaker 1: eye butt, I froze, like all I could do. I
Speaker 1: just went av and he and he turned around and
Speaker 1: he like sprinted into action. But I just like, I
Speaker 1: just didn't know what to do. And I think there's
Speaker 1: just action. Was a sporting goods store next door, he
Speaker 1: ran away, he sprinted sporting good Um, yeah, you just
Speaker 1: don't know what you're going to do in those circumstances
Speaker 1: or any just free frama and then and there were
Speaker 1: like and every you know, there were other people who
Speaker 1: saw it happen and they were just frozen. And I
Speaker 1: think there's just people who can just fight through that
Speaker 1: frozenness and just go into action, and then there's just
Speaker 1: some people who have to just stay frozen and watch
Speaker 1: my voice. Teacher was talking about coming upon a car accident.
Speaker 1: He saw it happen, and then he rushed into action,
Speaker 1: right the sporting goods store. He rushed in there and
Speaker 1: got there everywhere. Yeah, I mean it's it's I would
Speaker 1: invest if I were you guys that his action sports
Speaker 1: would be a good sporting goods place. Okay, So he's
Speaker 1: he's sprints into action. He gets over to the woman
Speaker 1: that's been like or the mailman that was like tossed
Speaker 1: out of the car and stuff, and he's like helping
Speaker 1: and aiding and assistant. And he said that the girl
Speaker 1: who was probably on her phone distracted driving early twenties,
Speaker 1: was just like on her phone and like she nearly
Speaker 1: killed this maleman. He went flying. He's like crumpled in
Speaker 1: the corner, and my voice teachers helping him and she's
Speaker 1: and he is telling me all about this, and he's like,
Speaker 1: she didn't even come over, She's just on her phone.
Speaker 1: It's like if I hit someone, and I go I
Speaker 1: didn't say this at the time, but I'm like, she
Speaker 1: might have been like a total twat and just not
Speaker 1: cared that she hit someone, But you don't I've hit
Speaker 1: someone before. And my first reaction was to laugh because
Speaker 1: it was so insane. I started cackling, like like an
Speaker 1: like an insane person, like I can't even imagine that
Speaker 1: I would do, ever do anything like that. There was
Speaker 1: nothing funny about it, but it was so shocking that
Speaker 1: I was laughing, and then I didn't want to get
Speaker 1: near him at all because I was so scared to
Speaker 1: see what I had done, and there were other people assisting.
Speaker 1: I mean, like, given the fact that if and no
Speaker 1: one would have been there, I obviously would have mustered
Speaker 1: the courage to do it. But I don't like I
Speaker 1: don't like seeing people hurt. I don't like seeing blood.
Speaker 1: I'm just so scared, Like I hope I never come
Speaker 1: upon a car crash the first I will drive around it.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I will. I will probably wait for someone
Speaker 1: else to get there because I can't. I can't handle it.
Speaker 1: I don't know what that is about me. It's I
Speaker 1: couldn't even call nine one once, so I understand, God,
Speaker 1: it's happening to her. Well what you need to Uh?
Speaker 1: He didn't know, because you don't. It's like, you know,
Speaker 1: hippa or whatever. Like what about the woman in the
Speaker 1: bar um? So the ambulance eventually came and and you
Speaker 1: know she she came to she was just like frozen.
Speaker 1: I don't think she fainted, but she bit her tongue
Speaker 1: as she fell in her head just hid the floor.
Speaker 1: So when the EMTs picked her up, there was blood
Speaker 1: and stuff, um, and they took her and that's all
Speaker 1: I know. Oh my god, yea lady. That just reminded
Speaker 1: me of a joke I said the other night. And
Speaker 1: I was just so excited that you reminded me of
Speaker 1: it because I did on stage and I totally forgot,
Speaker 1: but I was talking about how men are like intimidated
Speaker 1: by sex toys, and I was like, you know, like
Speaker 1: I think that they think we compare them to our vibrators,
Speaker 1: and it's like, we don't. It's apples to oranges, like
Speaker 1: do you compare us to your like your clenched fist,
Speaker 1: Like do you are you like, oh, her vagina doesn't
Speaker 1: have as many people like callous it Like it's the
Speaker 1: same thing. But men's somehow think that we're like why
Speaker 1: doesn't his penis vibrate at ten thousand beats per second?
Speaker 1: Like we don't compare it. And then I said something
Speaker 1: about like I did date an epileptic guy once and
Speaker 1: he was seizing and he was there was some kind
Speaker 1: of connection where he was like vibrating that much, and
Speaker 1: I was like, just the idea of like me taking
Speaker 1: an epileptic to a laser show, So it triggers it
Speaker 1: so I can help. It really made me laugh, so
Speaker 1: sorry money, but I just remembered that, Oh it's so
Speaker 1: good when you remember something that you said on stage,
Speaker 1: because I keep having these moments on stage where it's
Speaker 1: like the perfect joke I came up with and I
Speaker 1: just can't go back and listen to my set. I
Speaker 1: cannot do it. And I'm like, the other night I
Speaker 1: said something, and I knew that I would want to
Speaker 1: remember it. I knew I would never go back and
Speaker 1: listen because I hate listening to myself. And um, but
Speaker 1: thank you so much to the listener right now for
Speaker 1: listening to me. I don't know how you do it,
Speaker 1: but um, I h there, I couldn't see Anya off stage,
Speaker 1: and I was like, on, you write that down, but
Speaker 1: I couldn't see her. And so there was there was
Speaker 1: a stage man, the guy that was like running the lights.
Speaker 1: I had like talked to him right before because I
Speaker 1: asked him. I always asked when I go to towns,
Speaker 1: like what's the worst part of town? Because I have
Speaker 1: this joke where you just like insert worst part of
Speaker 1: town here. And he was like not being very cooperative
Speaker 1: with that, but he was okay, he was fine, but
Speaker 1: I didn't even know what to call him sound he
Speaker 1: because he wasn't the sound guy. He wasn't a stage manager.
Speaker 1: So I just go, bald guy, that's so. But there
Speaker 1: was nothing else. He was just a white guy, like
Speaker 1: average heighted white guy. Like what I just like bald
Speaker 1: didn't say that, and he turned in. He was disgusted
Speaker 1: with him. He was really so mad that I said,
Speaker 1: it was that asshole guy that you guys said you
Speaker 1: didn't like it? Mean he was so. I didn't know
Speaker 1: he was an asshole at the time, but I was like,
Speaker 1: he probably wasn't and he probably didn't like that I
Speaker 1: called him bald guy. But then the audience kind of reacted,
Speaker 1: and I go, he knows he's bald, Like what am
Speaker 1: I supposed to do? Like that's the I didn't have.
Speaker 1: I didn't get his name. Maybe that's on me. I
Speaker 1: don't I don't know that those people you can't get
Speaker 1: every crew members name. I wouldn't have remembered it even
Speaker 1: if I got it because it's in one ear or
Speaker 1: not the other. Not because I don't care, but because
Speaker 1: you know, everyone knows how it's like hard to remember names.
Speaker 1: So I just said baldy that wasn't trying to be mean.
Speaker 1: He was just it's like the old guy that I
Speaker 1: talked about on that game show I did where I said,
Speaker 1: you know, he's old, and everyone goes it's like people
Speaker 1: are bald, people are old, people are like you just
Speaker 1: can't say those things. There was nothing else about him
Speaker 1: that was definable, but he certainly did not write down
Speaker 1: the joke that I told I was like, will you
Speaker 1: please remember this thing? Thank god Anya was in the
Speaker 1: back and they had the audio going, I got it.
Speaker 1: Mother abortion, Yeah, it was like job it was. I
Speaker 1: was talking about Chris being like he doesn't want to
Speaker 1: picture the mother like like his wife doing these things.
Speaker 1: I was talking about how like men like they want
Speaker 1: the whore, and then they want the madonna, like the
Speaker 1: mother or the whore, and they don't like when you
Speaker 1: can't be a horror like a lot of times men
Speaker 1: when they have their Yeah, when a lot of times
Speaker 1: when men have children with a wife, they can't. They
Speaker 1: don't want to make her a horror anymore because it's
Speaker 1: like she's a mother of my child. So I was like,
Speaker 1: so Chris, Chris doesn't my boyfriend doesn't want the future
Speaker 1: mother of his aborted fetus, and so I was like, baby,
Speaker 1: write down mother of an aborted fetus. He was just
Speaker 1: like no. He just looked at me like, uh so,
Speaker 1: we gotta go to break. We'll be back at the
Speaker 1: mor after of this. Okay, we're back. So last night
Speaker 1: I saw a dog named tic Tac. No, he's approximately eight.
Speaker 1: They don't really know he was astray. They I guess
Speaker 1: this is what happens. People bring in dogs and they
Speaker 1: say they're strays, but they're really just like, I'm broke
Speaker 1: and I can't afford to take care of this dog anymore.
Speaker 1: So that happens a lot at rescues or like um
Speaker 1: shelters is people will be like they told me that
Speaker 1: last night. They told me the story that one guy
Speaker 1: came into a rescue one day or a straight sorry rescue, yeah, rescue.
Speaker 1: A humane society brought in the dog and was like
Speaker 1: I found this dog on the street and they're like okay,
Speaker 1: and they were like, well, scan his microchip. And they
Speaker 1: scan the microchip, a number comes up. They call the number.
Speaker 1: It's the guys fucking his phone starts ringing and so
Speaker 1: people do this all the time. And so this little
Speaker 1: dog named Tik Tak, this is, this is this? Can
Speaker 1: I just like present my struggle with this and maybe
Speaker 1: this will go down in the annals of time of like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, tik Tak's my dog, and I'll be like, oh,
Speaker 1: the first time I talked about tik Tak this was
Speaker 1: on or maybe I never have Tiktak. Who knows. I'm
Speaker 1: still like kind of um in this weird place with it.
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm ready to get a dog, because,
Speaker 1: first of all, I watched this Ted talk the other
Speaker 1: day about how your life you have all these moments
Speaker 1: in your life where your life can buy fear kate,
Speaker 1: I think is the word she said, where you're you
Speaker 1: can go in two different directions, right, and you have
Speaker 1: chances of that every day, But generally we don't. We
Speaker 1: don't choose those chances. We don't go, I'm gonna just
Speaker 1: quit my job and try another job. I'm gonna I'm gonna,
Speaker 1: you know, move, I'm gonna get a dog, like we
Speaker 1: often are just thrust into them because we get sick,
Speaker 1: A parent gets sick, a parent dies, like we're just
Speaker 1: and then you're hurtled into or you get fired. You're
Speaker 1: just hurtled into this new version of your life that
Speaker 1: is going to change you for the rest of your life.
Speaker 1: And we don't often just choose those, we wait for
Speaker 1: them to happen to us. And I've just recently been,
Speaker 1: like I was saying the other day, feeling like I
Speaker 1: don't I know, I don't want kids, which is another
Speaker 1: joke that is killing right now because I realized in
Speaker 1: deciding that I don't want kids, I literally am set
Speaker 1: to make over the next eighteen years up over a
Speaker 1: million dollars. That was So it's about come up to
Speaker 1: look at the audience to see like how many people
Speaker 1: the light bulb went off that, Well, no one's ever
Speaker 1: I mean everyone knows that raising a kid is about
Speaker 1: I think it used to be three hundred thousand dollars
Speaker 1: like four years ago, and now it's about a million
Speaker 1: dollars in LA. It's a million dollars easy if you
Speaker 1: want a kid to have a good education. And it's true.
Speaker 1: Like when I when I realized I didn't want to
Speaker 1: freeze my eggs and I probably I'm not going to
Speaker 1: have kids, I was just like, I get a million dollars,
Speaker 1: Like that is a really cool way to look at it.
Speaker 1: So when I said that the other night, and I
Speaker 1: don't want to go down the Chelsea Handler route of
Speaker 1: like I love what Chelsea Handler does about being childless.
Speaker 1: I just bought a sweatshirt that says childless on it
Speaker 1: like almost like collegiate, but it says childless. Like I
Speaker 1: am celebrating me in childless. I'm leaning into it. It's awesome,
Speaker 1: But I am not going to shame people for having kids,
Speaker 1: like I'm not going to like I feel like a
Speaker 1: lot of moms, well that's just me being a pussy.
Speaker 1: I like Chelsea Handler for just like not giving a
Speaker 1: fun what people think. And she's like, I don't care
Speaker 1: if you, like I can tell moms probably you're like
Speaker 1: easy lady, Like I get it, you get to smoke
Speaker 1: pot and sleep until the afternoon. Like you're making me
Speaker 1: feel bad about my life. I don't want to make
Speaker 1: anyone feel bad, but I do want to say I'm
Speaker 1: going to make a million dollars that you aren't going
Speaker 1: to make, like whenever someone gets a job, Like I
Speaker 1: even said this on stage of the night and this
Speaker 1: I hate to keep being like quoting my own jokes,
Speaker 1: but I was excited. I told Chris when I got home,
Speaker 1: I was like I stumbled upon something that is gonna
Speaker 1: be a big, big thing of my next special. Like
Speaker 1: the last special I had, the Old Souls, was like
Speaker 1: the bit that traveled, And this next special, I think
Speaker 1: it's gonna be how if you if you decide to
Speaker 1: not have kids before your body decides for you, right like,
Speaker 1: instead of waiting for my age to happen, where I'm
Speaker 1: like he was taken from me, I'm now making the
Speaker 1: decision myself. I'm telling body, I'm in charge. I don't
Speaker 1: want this. If it happens, okay, but like I don't
Speaker 1: want it, I am now empowered to like realize all
Speaker 1: the fruits that will come from the fact that I'm
Speaker 1: not having a fruit of the womb and and it.
Speaker 1: But it was interesting because I'm always scared to alienate
Speaker 1: anyone who is apparent because I already know the struggle
Speaker 1: of being a parent is so hard. They're already deeply
Speaker 1: regretting it in their souls. They can't admit it to
Speaker 1: anyone or themselves there are it's so hard. And that
Speaker 1: being that was me being ironic and facetious or sarcastic,
Speaker 1: whatever you want to say. I know you don't really
Speaker 1: regret having kids, but I know that parents are struggling
Speaker 1: and I don't want to make them feel bad about
Speaker 1: it and be like jealous of me, not that they
Speaker 1: would ever be because they think they made the right decision,
Speaker 1: which they did for them. But the other night it
Speaker 1: just resonated so hard with this la crowd of like
Speaker 1: you could tell there's a lot of women in their
Speaker 1: twenties who don't want kids and are like whoo, but
Speaker 1: like it just gave them. It's just such a for
Speaker 1: me at thirty eight deciding I don't want kids, and
Speaker 1: Anya you can speak to this too, like there's something
Speaker 1: about it that makes you feel like less of a
Speaker 1: woman when you have maybe made that decision internally you
Speaker 1: don't want to share it with people. You feel like
Speaker 1: there's something It's like this new shout your Abortion kind
Speaker 1: of thing, like shout your Abortion was a little like
Speaker 1: moment where women were like, I did it. I'm not
Speaker 1: going to be shamed about it. Like leaning into like
Speaker 1: making decision not to freeze my eggs has felt very
Speaker 1: empowering to me as all I'm saying, and it's I
Speaker 1: think it's going to be exciting for my act. But
Speaker 1: so this is I guess the dog thing is maybe
Speaker 1: in a reaction to that, like, Okay, well now I
Speaker 1: have the freedom to spend my money on this thing,
Speaker 1: and you know, I just have been compelled to be
Speaker 1: Like if I I picture myself in a car accident
Speaker 1: and no one coming to aid me because they're all
Speaker 1: like me, they're running into aunt like sports, and I'm
Speaker 1: just like laying there. They like I need to get
Speaker 1: a ten and I'm a triage unit that I won't
Speaker 1: have anyone in because this woman will have died. So
Speaker 1: I'm just like laying there. I picture me like being
Speaker 1: like and being like seeing the light and being like,
Speaker 1: what didn't I do on Earth? And it will be
Speaker 1: wrote a song that anyone heard. And then the other
Speaker 1: one would be bird. I didn't have a bird, and
Speaker 1: I can't have a bird right now. It's just I
Speaker 1: can't travel with a bird. I mean, they could fly
Speaker 1: along the side the plane, but I don't know if
Speaker 1: they're into the engine. Yeah, and then we'll all go down.
Speaker 1: Solely won't save us. And it would be like there's
Speaker 1: a senior dog out There's a dog out there right now,
Speaker 1: right now, there's a dog suffering because I don't have
Speaker 1: a dog. There is a dog right now that is
Speaker 1: like shivering in a cage somewhere because I'm choosing to
Speaker 1: not have a dog. And so I just when I
Speaker 1: made that connection, I'm like, I need to do it.
Speaker 1: I have the resources, and I want a small dog
Speaker 1: that I can bring with me anyway. Tik Tak was
Speaker 1: the first dog that was and I kind of because
Speaker 1: I'm such a I hate when people have designer dogs
Speaker 1: and they're like, I want that looking dog and I
Speaker 1: want to Doug that's hypoalergenic, and like there's no such thing.
Speaker 1: That's like a made up thing for white people to
Speaker 1: like find the dog that they want and be like
Speaker 1: I have see I'm like different than everyone. I have
Speaker 1: like a specific allergy, so like I need this special thing.
Speaker 1: It's it's so a white person. I'm a white person
Speaker 1: and I'm just like you. But it's you trying to
Speaker 1: be original because you have no culture because you're white.
Speaker 1: White people have no culture, so they need to get
Speaker 1: tattoos and they need to have allergies to like feel special.
Speaker 1: So I hate when people choose their dogs. It's not
Speaker 1: that I hate you, but I hate that decision that
Speaker 1: you made that you're like, I want this looking dog,
Speaker 1: and guess what it's because I want a certain looking
Speaker 1: dog too. Do you think I want a dog that
Speaker 1: looks like Tic Tac? No, it's not my ideal dog.
Speaker 1: I would like a little dog that looks like my
Speaker 1: friend Nick's dog. She has a dog named Bonde because
Speaker 1: she's from Australia. But her dog's name is Bond. And
Speaker 1: it's like this little skinny dog. It looks like a
Speaker 1: little deer, and it's a tiny little deer and it's
Speaker 1: clean looking and it looks like a little Golden Retriever
Speaker 1: if you shrunk it down. And it's a rescue. But
Speaker 1: she just got lucky right when I got Luigi. I
Speaker 1: didn't like the look of that dog. That wasn't the dog,
Speaker 1: the ideal dog. I'm admitting it. We all have a
Speaker 1: dog that we want in mind of, Like what dog
Speaker 1: looks like me and looks cutest in my arm? I
Speaker 1: have that too, But I don't get to do that.
Speaker 1: You don't get to this is the type of thing
Speaker 1: that I'm like, I don't get to be a chooser.
Speaker 1: And there were two dogs. There were two dogs at
Speaker 1: this rescue that I was like a may Day rescue
Speaker 1: that I was looking at on Instagram and I go, oh,
Speaker 1: these are cute. One was named Maureen and one was
Speaker 1: named Darlene that I was going to change to Darling.
Speaker 1: And they were so cute and they were like one
Speaker 1: and a half years old and they're like adorable, and
Speaker 1: they were like the looks of the dogs that I
Speaker 1: would want. And then I was like, what about these?
Speaker 1: And she was like, what about Tiktak? And TikTok is
Speaker 1: so cute. First of all, I'm sorry TikTok that I
Speaker 1: ever said that you weren't the kind of dog I
Speaker 1: would want, because Marian was not the type of dog
Speaker 1: I wouldn't want Luigi and they are my perfect dog now.
Speaker 1: I love them so much. Little cartoons. And this dog, TikTok,
Speaker 1: it does not like me. It doesn't like anyone. It's
Speaker 1: like Luigi, like it was so disgusted by like it was.
Speaker 1: It just wanted to be with its foster lady. She
Speaker 1: brought him over and she's only had him for forty
Speaker 1: eight hours. He's got at the shelter less than seventy
Speaker 1: two hours ago. She him for forty eight hours and
Speaker 1: he's just following her around. He just wants to be
Speaker 1: with her, so I know that this dog will love me. Like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm not even worried about that. Because Chris was like,
Speaker 1: because the dog didn't want to be around me or
Speaker 1: like let me touch it, he was worth that. I
Speaker 1: was gonna be like, I don't want this dog, but
Speaker 1: I go no, I've been through this with Luigi. He
Speaker 1: bit me the first day. He wouldn't even look at me.
Speaker 1: He was shivering in a corner, like this dog isn't abused,
Speaker 1: like I don't think it's been like beaten severely. But
Speaker 1: the cutest thing that happened was there's like all these
Speaker 1: dogs in this house because they have the Natalie and
Speaker 1: her partner have like a bunch of dogs. But then
Speaker 1: it didn't care about the dogs. It was just kind
Speaker 1: of like this little seven pound chihuahua. It's so cute
Speaker 1: named TikTok, and his penis will not stay in his body.
Speaker 1: So if penis is out and it's like dry, it
Speaker 1: looks like a human. Um bobbit no no um. A
Speaker 1: lot of people at chihuahua's have this problem. Their dick
Speaker 1: doesn't go back in and it's very painful for the dog.
Speaker 1: But sugar Water sugar water water? Is that a type
Speaker 1: of dog that will suck it sticky sugar water? And
Speaker 1: he goes around no like you YouTube it and this
Speaker 1: guy's like, listen, I didn't want to figure this out,
Speaker 1: but I fucking figured this out with my dog. I
Speaker 1: am not gay, but check and it does help the
Speaker 1: dick get less swollen and it goes back in the sheets.
Speaker 1: But you have to do diaper. Well, he's getting spayed
Speaker 1: or a neuter this week and they said that would
Speaker 1: help with it. But it also can wear like a
Speaker 1: little like there's like these little diapered for his whole life. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because he's either been on the street or someone brought
Speaker 1: him in. And people don't have money to get their
Speaker 1: dogs neutered, like they just get a dog or the
Speaker 1: dog gets born in a litter and they just don't
Speaker 1: do something for the service it. You know it is
Speaker 1: through the UM. I know it should be. I mean,
Speaker 1: Bob Barker was not wrong, like that is ore. That's
Speaker 1: the number one thing that needs happened is spaying and
Speaker 1: neutering animals. Like and there are people that just take
Speaker 1: in stray cats and then they just new to them
Speaker 1: and then like put them back out because I want
Speaker 1: to start saying that I, um, I'm Spade, because I
Speaker 1: want I want to start saying that I got spayed
Speaker 1: because no one goes as women are because you spay
Speaker 1: a woman dog, right, I know, but no one calls
Speaker 1: that be spade. I know. I think it got a spade.
Speaker 1: So I said it to Chris last night and he's like,
Speaker 1: or you can like it's about like David Spade because
Speaker 1: he doesn't want kids. But I'm like, oh, he has
Speaker 1: a kid that doesn't really work. But um, anyway, so
Speaker 1: TikTok was like so like stiff around me, just kind
Speaker 1: of like oh, I was holding it and it's just
Speaker 1: legs were outstretched, like it's penises out and it just
Speaker 1: like doesn't want to be around me. But then this
Speaker 1: cat came by, like they have a cat, and TikTok
Speaker 1: was like liked this cat so much and was just
Speaker 1: like wanting to play with a cat. And they theorized
Speaker 1: that maybe it came from a home where it had
Speaker 1: a cat. And so he likes cats. He's interested cats.
Speaker 1: He kind of has a cat demeanor. He kind of
Speaker 1: looks like a cat. He's so cute. And I left.
Speaker 1: This dog did not look, this is the closest it
Speaker 1: got to me. We'll put up a picture on Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: I'd love to see a picture. So this is wondering
Speaker 1: why and these photos you kind of look like you're
Speaker 1: looking off into the distance. And now I realized he
Speaker 1: doesn't want to be near me at all. Fucking tik Tak.
Speaker 1: He's so But I love this dog. So this is
Speaker 1: the was just kind of like, he's a cute. He's cute.
Speaker 1: He's a cuteie. But I like Chris. We left and
Speaker 1: Chris is like, you're not gonna get a TikTok because
Speaker 1: there was no bonding between us, and he like, But
Speaker 1: what he doesn't know is that I love all animals.
Speaker 1: I love even Congress Lee. Yeah, and I know that
Speaker 1: about Darlin. No, this is the thing. Darlin and Maureen.
Speaker 1: They are young, they are cute, and Natalie told me
Speaker 1: there's already like four or five applications for them. And
Speaker 1: TikTok because he's probably eight and he's penis is hanging out.
Speaker 1: No one wants him. And that is the dog that
Speaker 1: I want. Stick to your plant, no one wants. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's the one I want. Um, that's the man I want.
Speaker 1: No Um, and I don't know if I change his name,
Speaker 1: but I'll tell you he wasn't named for his penis
Speaker 1: because that thing is big, okay like he but he's
Speaker 1: a little tikie techie and I TikTok sorry, Oh that's good.
Speaker 1: Tic TAC's TikTok um. And then we went to dinner
Speaker 1: with my Australia friend Nick and she was she was like,
Speaker 1: what's this. What's the dog's name? Tactics in Australia. No,
Speaker 1: I guess not. It was so funny that a dog's
Speaker 1: name would be tactic, like it's tact dick. Yeah, no kidding,
Speaker 1: But I just just Bond Diman Bond. I think that's
Speaker 1: like a coast of Australia, the Bond by coast. I
Speaker 1: think that's it. But um yeah, I think next week
Speaker 1: it's I think Monday or Tuesday it's getting neutered, and
Speaker 1: then I could like have him after he recovers from that,
Speaker 1: so I might have him by like next Thursday. And
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do like a trial, I guess a trial
Speaker 1: because you can always go like this isn't working for me,
Speaker 1: But I plan on not doing that, you know, like
Speaker 1: I'll there's no way this dog won't like me after
Speaker 1: a couple hours. Like it's and it's like all he
Speaker 1: wants to do is just be in a a little
Speaker 1: papoosa and just like hang out. I could even bring
Speaker 1: him on stage and he could just like be on
Speaker 1: like hanging from my back in a little papoosa while
Speaker 1: I perform. They say that Chihuahuas are the smartest dogs,
Speaker 1: and the way they that they determine it is by
Speaker 1: the brain to body size ratio, so that their brains
Speaker 1: are so much like their big body. Yeah. Yeah, his
Speaker 1: brain is hanging out too, coming out of his ear.
Speaker 1: But it's just so it's so sad that these dogs
Speaker 1: just get that their owners can't afford them anymore, and
Speaker 1: they just I've heard of so many people saying, like
Speaker 1: my dad said, the dog died, and it's like it
Speaker 1: didn't die, just like they just took it to a
Speaker 1: shelter because they're like, we don't want to walk this
Speaker 1: thing anymore. It's just it's so tik Tak might be
Speaker 1: in my life by next week. We should let besties know.
Speaker 1: For the ones who have been curious about Marian and Luigi,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, so they I can't get them back because
Speaker 1: my parents love them too much. So my parents took
Speaker 1: over for Marion early on. I was like, if you
Speaker 1: want her, you can have her. And because they because
Speaker 1: I was living in New York, they got I just wasn't.
Speaker 1: It wasn't. They had a bad life. Andrew walked them
Speaker 1: twice a day, so you know how that goes. But no, Andrew,
Speaker 1: I had a dog walker. I had um daycare. I
Speaker 1: was I was walking them four times a day like
Speaker 1: they had a great It was just exhausting. And they
Speaker 1: were in a tiny apartment and I would go out
Speaker 1: and do sets to night. I would feel guilty. They
Speaker 1: would go to daycare and I would watch on the
Speaker 1: mom I would do it. I would pull it up
Speaker 1: at sirious. I would pull up the camera of the
Speaker 1: doggie daycare. All the dogs are playing, but my two
Speaker 1: dogs are longing looking out the window waiting for me
Speaker 1: to come back for hours. And then I would call
Speaker 1: them and I'd go, will you take them off the
Speaker 1: window and play with them? And then they would and
Speaker 1: they would go right back to the window. And so
Speaker 1: it was just so sad of those doggies in the window.
Speaker 1: So I was like, Mom, Dad, can you come get them?
Speaker 1: And so they came and got them. And I tell
Speaker 1: the story in my act and I say there were
Speaker 1: a lot of tears when I handed them over because
Speaker 1: my mom didn't want them, so she was crying and
Speaker 1: I pushed them through the door. And I know, but
Speaker 1: I was very sad when I gaate I surrendered them,
Speaker 1: but it was the idea was, when my life is easier,
Speaker 1: I'll take them back. So Luigi went to go with
Speaker 1: my sister eventually because my parents couldn't handle two, and
Speaker 1: he had Wilson to play with over there, and they
Speaker 1: loved him. And then my parents had Marian, and Marian
Speaker 1: and my dad bonded hugely. Bone died and he just
Speaker 1: love They loved Marian so much. And then when I
Speaker 1: went back to Saint Louis, I got Luigi back. He
Speaker 1: was living with me at my parents and then he
Speaker 1: came to live with me at my apartment. When I
Speaker 1: moved in with Andrew. Everything was great. And then I
Speaker 1: went on f Boy Island and so he went back
Speaker 1: to my parents' house and he just likes it there.
Speaker 1: And then I would take him back and he would
Speaker 1: I could tell he missed it. He gets to go
Speaker 1: to the river. He has a big yard and he
Speaker 1: has Marian, you know, like they're not best friends, but
Speaker 1: when he wants to play, he can get his energy
Speaker 1: out start wrestling, and man, he's always looking at me
Speaker 1: like being like when are we gonna There was just
Speaker 1: so much guilt associated with him, and I'm a little
Speaker 1: worried about TikTok. But I think tik Tak is more senior,
Speaker 1: so he just wants to sleep all day and just
Speaker 1: like hang out with me. And Luigi is a big dog,
Speaker 1: so putting him in a papoosa it would like break
Speaker 1: my back. I would do it because he loved like
Speaker 1: being like, oh for you to get a dog, because
Speaker 1: little means that we get to walk him on tour,
Speaker 1: Like he's gonna come on tour right. I'm like, I
Speaker 1: think doesn't even want TikTok doesn't want to walk. TikTok
Speaker 1: wants to just sit hill and like that will love TikTok.
Speaker 1: He's so soft, he's like a little fuzzy, like, oh,
Speaker 1: he's just so cute. Um, but it's exciting. But I
Speaker 1: just feel like if I got to choose any dog,
Speaker 1: it wouldn't be TikTok. But I'm letting life choose this
Speaker 1: one for me, Like I'm because Chris was like we
Speaker 1: can keep looking at Natalie even was like there's other
Speaker 1: dogs we can Yeah, I mean no that you got
Speaker 1: to put an application sounds like to get a view. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but TikTok, no one wants and so I love that,
Speaker 1: Like I just want a dog. I want the dog
Speaker 1: that isn't going to find a home unless I do it.
Speaker 1: Like that's the purpose for me to get a dog,
Speaker 1: is that I'm trying to get a dog that no
Speaker 1: one else wants that would otherwise time can pass and
Speaker 1: maybe in a couple of years you can get a
Speaker 1: dog that you can get Mentos. Yeah, the Freshmaker, I
Speaker 1: can get it. Um listering pocket pack strips. That's gonna
Speaker 1: be my snake trident um. Oh yeah, Trident is a
Speaker 1: good name for a dog that's cute and trident. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, I will call him Tactic. But he's funny.
Speaker 1: You can just tell when he relaxes, he'll be very
Speaker 1: like Merry An esque, like he's just gonna be like
Speaker 1: I'm just like a funny looking dog, Like my dog
Speaker 1: needs to be funny. I feel like I don't want
Speaker 1: a perfect looking dog. The other day I was dry,
Speaker 1: like running in the park or along the you know,
Speaker 1: in Santa Monica along the ocean, and there was like
Speaker 1: this meetup of like we have golden Retrievers. It was
Speaker 1: just a bunch of people with their goldens, which I
Speaker 1: was just like, cute, they are so cute, But it
Speaker 1: was just something about it that I was just like, oh,
Speaker 1: we only socialize with other goldens, like thinking that anyone
Speaker 1: who just like loves people that just love this type
Speaker 1: of dog. It's so weird to me to like a
Speaker 1: type of dog and like we only get this type
Speaker 1: of dog. And I know listeners are being like nicky,
Speaker 1: don't understand, like these type of dogs have a different personality. Honestly,
Speaker 1: I get it. I do get it. And I don't
Speaker 1: think I'm better than you because I'm like I'll get
Speaker 1: tic tac I'm just saying I think the universe is
Speaker 1: telling me that you don't get to choose this. It's
Speaker 1: almost like adoption, Like I mean, it is adoption, but
Speaker 1: I always have felt that I would have no problem
Speaker 1: adopting a child, like I don't need my baby to
Speaker 1: be a golden retriever like white Bread look like me
Speaker 1: with like golden locks, like I just need it to
Speaker 1: be whatever is the one next in line for me,
Speaker 1: for the universe, because it's the same as like when
Speaker 1: you have a kid, you don't know what it's going
Speaker 1: to pop out of you. It is whatever the universe
Speaker 1: gives you. Anyway. Yeah, yeah, more people like you. I
Speaker 1: don't think a lot of people are that way in
Speaker 1: so many other ways. So rest assured that I don't.
Speaker 1: I might be better than you in this way, people
Speaker 1: who have purebred dogs, but I am such a con
Speaker 1: in so many ways that you are not. So don't
Speaker 1: think that I'm getting a superiority complex over anyone. I
Speaker 1: don't think I'm an angel. This is just one part
Speaker 1: of my life where I'm pretty perfect when it comes
Speaker 1: to like I will say I'm a little bit of
Speaker 1: a mother Teresa. But I am jealous age. I wish.
Speaker 1: I'm jealous of girls. I wish for harm to happen
Speaker 1: to them sometimes, like I'm I am jealous, Like my
Speaker 1: jealousy knows no bounds. It's really a sickness. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: jealous of the younger dogs like Darlin. You're like, look
Speaker 1: at her skin, honestly, look at her mans No, I mean,
Speaker 1: like I just told you. I would drive around a
Speaker 1: car accident. There are many people that would run into
Speaker 1: it and be like, how can I help? So like,
Speaker 1: I'm not. I don't think I'm better than anyone, except
Speaker 1: in this case, I am better than you. Um. I
Speaker 1: was saying that jokingly. Please don't get mad at me.
Speaker 1: Please stop, don't stop listening to the show because of this. Um. Okay,
Speaker 1: so we wanted to do um what's it called? Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: I almost thought we know nothing? But again, please let's
Speaker 1: not do that again. No, we can't electricity. We solved it.
Speaker 1: I think I think we're pretty good. Um, we want
Speaker 1: to do Uh? Why do I care? Why do I care?
Speaker 1: So this is the select news story and we figure
Speaker 1: out if we care or not. Yeah, I don't think
Speaker 1: we will, but maybe yes, who knows? Yeah? All right.
Speaker 1: Rumor has it that Tom Brady is reportedly considering pursuing
Speaker 1: a career in stand up comedy, and his inner circle
Speaker 1: absolutely hates the idea of having to hear his jokes. Okay,
Speaker 1: so this is just and this is just rumor? Has it?
Speaker 1: That's the source on this? Well, it's from like Radar Online. Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: they're always right up there with the fucking Washington Post. Um, yeah,
Speaker 1: they broke the Catholic priest scandal. Radar Online and Babe
Speaker 1: dot Net. Um, so yeah, I saw this, like I
Speaker 1: just saw the headline of like career change. This doesn't
Speaker 1: shock him that he might have said something. I'm sure
Speaker 1: this isn't true because Tom Brady gets it gets kind
Speaker 1: of Um. There was this thing the other day, Remember
Speaker 1: when Tom Brady had like these sexy photos. The other
Speaker 1: day he was sitting on the edge of a bed
Speaker 1: and it looked like a selfie in the mirror, like
Speaker 1: he took a mirror selfie. Oh, he's on the edge
Speaker 1: of the bed. He looks like he's in his underwear,
Speaker 1: he's in his boxers, and it looked like such a
Speaker 1: thirst trap. And it was so like I sent it
Speaker 1: to Chris being like, what is going on with this guy?
Speaker 1: This is so cringe And Chris was like, no way,
Speaker 1: this is real. I'm like, babe, it's real. I'm sat
Speaker 1: a savvy news consumer. Daily Mail convinced me, even though
Speaker 1: I know the Daily Mail is Fox News in fucking
Speaker 1: sheep's clothing. They they convinced me that he put up
Speaker 1: this thirst trap, that desperate Tom Brady. They probably even
Speaker 1: wrote that in the title. It was a bit. It
Speaker 1: was a funny bit that he was he got dared
Speaker 1: to do to rip off some models posts, So he
Speaker 1: was doing a funny thing to raise like money for
Speaker 1: a charity or some babe. See, he is getting into
Speaker 1: more comedy exactly. So this might be true. But I'm
Speaker 1: just saying, like I wouldn't trust. I doubt he wants
Speaker 1: to be a stand up comedian, even though everyone kind
Speaker 1: of does. And like stand up comedians, we all want
Speaker 1: to be athletes and rock stars. So it's like it
Speaker 1: makes sense, but why can't he be? And you know what,
Speaker 1: he would probably be better than all of us. Tom Brady,
Speaker 1: who I believe entered into the Combine as like a
Speaker 1: kind of schlubby, like not that impressive, um young guy
Speaker 1: that was like ranked very low compared to what he
Speaker 1: is now ranked as like one of the all time greats. Right,
Speaker 1: he he was schlubby. Look at his Look at his
Speaker 1: first picture? Okay, like to combine. Yeah, I think that's
Speaker 1: what they call it when they like, go to um
Speaker 1: train combine photo. Harry is a Columbine. Look at him,
Speaker 1: typo s right, Okay, look at him? He looks like
Speaker 1: my Barbiglia. Not no offense in my Biglio. But I
Speaker 1: don't think of him as like an All star quarterbacks. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he is slobby, lobby, I mean he's not and he
Speaker 1: definitely you know, Giselle taught him a thing or two
Speaker 1: about his looks, but he wasn't. His stats were that
Speaker 1: impressive from what I understand. I could be talking out
Speaker 1: a line here, but from what I remember Andrew telling
Speaker 1: me and like Chris telling me, Tom Brady was not
Speaker 1: that impressive. But what he did was he read that
Speaker 1: book The Art of Impossible. Maybe he didn't, but that's
Speaker 1: that book that I was talking about. He figured out
Speaker 1: a way to optimize his training, and he is the
Speaker 1: hardest working person and he fucking became the best. He
Speaker 1: wasn't born the best. He wasn't like Chappelle I always
Speaker 1: talk about as a comedian that was just born with it.
Speaker 1: You know. I would say that Spade was kind of
Speaker 1: born with it. There are certain comedians that I'm like
Speaker 1: Rachel Feinstein, born with it, I mean, and that's not
Speaker 1: taking anything away from their hard work. They definitely do
Speaker 1: that too, and it's a mixture. But so if you
Speaker 1: are not born with it, you believe that if you
Speaker 1: work like anyone could be fun. Anyone could be a
Speaker 1: stand up comedian if they, if they, if they want
Speaker 1: it bad enough. That's the thing I always tell young
Speaker 1: comedians is like if it's hard for you, if you
Speaker 1: talk about it being hard in the beginning, it's not
Speaker 1: for you, because if you like it enough and you
Speaker 1: are into it enough, the hard work is like fun.
Speaker 1: The pain is fun. Like I writing songs for me
Speaker 1: is fucking hell. Because I'm too self aware, I think
Speaker 1: I suck. I didn't know I sucked at comedy, but
Speaker 1: I did suck in the beginning. I really I had promised,
Speaker 1: but I was not. I was bombing. I look at
Speaker 1: old jokes, old clips, and it's like my stage presence
Speaker 1: was awful. Like I got good because of the practice
Speaker 1: that never felt like practice because I liked it. So
Speaker 1: Tom Brady might like comedy enough that he, given how
Speaker 1: old he is, whenever someone starts late in something, they
Speaker 1: work that much harder because they've been around the world
Speaker 1: long enough they know how to work. And especially since
Speaker 1: he has already achieved the greatest level of something in
Speaker 1: one field, he is much more inclined. I believe to
Speaker 1: be able to achieve. So if tom Brady is comedy,
Speaker 1: we should all fucking work watch out because that guy
Speaker 1: can do anything. And those of you who know what
Speaker 1: tom Brady like no football, because we certainly don't. You
Speaker 1: heard that episode. You know that tom Brady is insanely impressive.
Speaker 1: He is. He's just he knows how to optimize his
Speaker 1: He's gonna this and he's gonna like start calling you
Speaker 1: for advice. Please, he doesn't need anything for me. I
Speaker 1: should call him for a comedy advice like he has.
Speaker 1: So what if they asked you on a date. I
Speaker 1: would tell Chris, it's been fun. You have to help
Speaker 1: me pick out an outcast. So excited for me, Christide's
Speaker 1: so excited for me. No, I would not want to
Speaker 1: date tom Brady. I I have. I think that Chris
Speaker 1: is hotter than Tom Brady. Like, I'm so lucky that
Speaker 1: I'm with someone who height wise, yes we are lacking,
Speaker 1: but like, face wise, no one has a better face
Speaker 1: than my boyfriend to me. But if you're a dating
Speaker 1: tom Brady, they're already dating him and he's like, babe,
Speaker 1: I want to go into stand up. Honestly, what would
Speaker 1: your response be? I'm not kidding you, I'd be like,
Speaker 1: that's awesome. You are going to be so good. Because
Speaker 1: Michael Chase started stand up comedy at twenty nine, Okay,
Speaker 1: that is very late, within three years he was on
Speaker 1: TV less then. So this is the thing. This is
Speaker 1: what happens if you start something later in life. You
Speaker 1: might feel like, even for me with music, like there
Speaker 1: is a disadvantage. Everyone your age who is doing the
Speaker 1: same thing is probably going to be much better than
Speaker 1: you because they've been doing it longer, right, But what
Speaker 1: you have the advantage of is like when you start something,
Speaker 1: and this is what I saw with Michael Chase, this
Speaker 1: is what I saw with Tim Convey, who's Chris's brother,
Speaker 1: who started comedy in his thirties, you hang out with
Speaker 1: people who are your own age. Whenever you start something.
Speaker 1: You might hang out with beginners, but most likely you
Speaker 1: grab towards your own age, your peers in your age group.
Speaker 1: They're gonna be so much better than you, So you're
Speaker 1: gonna be holding yourself to a higher standard. You're gonna
Speaker 1: be learning from people who are better than you. When
Speaker 1: you start at the bottom of something and you're taking
Speaker 1: beginners classes, you're with beginners, You're going to lunch with beginners,
Speaker 1: you're hanging out after class with beginners, you're talking about you,
Speaker 1: there's a slower You're not getting the wisdom of the elders.
Speaker 1: So if you're worried about starting something later, like I
Speaker 1: get to hang out with Anya and Matt, who are
Speaker 1: professional musicians who have been doing it longer than I've
Speaker 1: been doing comedy. So I am going to excel at
Speaker 1: music so much faster than if I took you know,
Speaker 1: if I went to like school of Rock with a
Speaker 1: bunch of seven year olds who are who are at
Speaker 1: the same level as me because they've been doing it
Speaker 1: for two years since they were five, I'm gonna I'm
Speaker 1: gonna learn more because I'm surrounded by people who are
Speaker 1: my own age, who definitely always make me feel like,
Speaker 1: oh god, what am I doing? Their leagues above me.
Speaker 1: But compare yourself talent wise to people that I've been
Speaker 1: doing it as long as you, But surround yourself with
Speaker 1: people who were the same age as you, so that
Speaker 1: and that are better than you. I think always even
Speaker 1: judged by his comedy peers, considering his least, everyone's so
Speaker 1: fucking excited. Everyone would be so happy. Everyone wants to
Speaker 1: suck Tom Brady's dick, everyone, including TikTok tic Tek's like,
Speaker 1: I don't even care about my own hey with sugar
Speaker 1: water on it. People, Well, then why didn't John Mayer
Speaker 1: get you know? Because he did? He totally did. Oh
Speaker 1: he's best friends with Chappelle, like he's I know. But
Speaker 1: his comedy career was very short lived. He went up
Speaker 1: at the cellar a couple of times, and then he
Speaker 1: almost got canceled because he probably he probably flew too
Speaker 1: close to the sun, and he probably is so used
Speaker 1: to being so great that it was probably frustrating to
Speaker 1: see the learning curve and so, and he probably is
Speaker 1: smart and learned that you have to do this every
Speaker 1: single night to get good. Comedy isn't something that you
Speaker 1: can practice at home in front of your stuffed animals.
Speaker 1: You have to perform it life. And that's actually really
Speaker 1: hard for people who are already famous to do something
Speaker 1: like that. For me, I can practice guitar alone, I
Speaker 1: can play, I can sing songs, and I can get
Speaker 1: better slowly alone. Santo comedy performing you can't get better alone.
Speaker 1: You can't. The only way to get better is in
Speaker 1: front of crowds. So it is harder for people who
Speaker 1: have a name Jeremy Pivens of the world like them
Speaker 1: trying to think of other actors who have like started
Speaker 1: doing comedy, and you roll your eyes. But it's like
Speaker 1: they there's nowhere else that they can go get good.
Speaker 1: They're good. I don't begrudge them taking shows that where
Speaker 1: they're on lineups with people who've been doing it for
Speaker 1: twenty years, Like where else are they supposed to go?
Speaker 1: And so I don't know. I always encourage people to
Speaker 1: get into stand up comedy late. I don't give a fuck.
Speaker 1: And I know for a fact that if Tom Brady
Speaker 1: wanted to do comedy, everyone would fucking lose their ship
Speaker 1: to be around him all the time. I mean, he's
Speaker 1: the coolest guy ever. People love Tom Brady except Giselle.
Speaker 1: I mean she's the only one that would be like,
Speaker 1: I don't give Did you see that clip of her dancing?
Speaker 1: Oh no, no, no, no, what was she doing? She
Speaker 1: had zero body fat and zero dance skills and zero
Speaker 1: percent dance skills, which would you choose? No, no, no,
Speaker 1: she actually did a little. She was cool. She was
Speaker 1: doing like a salsa and there was like this gross
Speaker 1: guy that came out next door. She just looked free
Speaker 1: and fun and she looks awesome. I've always loved Giselle.
Speaker 1: She's ageless, she's beautiful, she's so cool. Will show a
Speaker 1: lot of luck, and boy will it? Would it be fun?
Speaker 1: Just he's not going to be good at standup comedy,
Speaker 1: and I do I don't think he'll stick with it
Speaker 1: because tom Brady's used to be being good at something.
Speaker 1: But he could get good faster than all of us
Speaker 1: if he wanted to. Final answer, Okay, we'll be back
Speaker 1: with a market us. Okay, we're back. Final thought. Um
Speaker 1: tic tac tom Brady. Um. I don't know what I'm
Speaker 1: going to do with the rest of my day. I
Speaker 1: have a couple of sets tonight this weekend, going to Charles.
Speaker 1: We're doing a Southern run Charleston, Durham, Greensboro. I don't
Speaker 1: know in that order, but I've realized we've been back
Speaker 1: to a couple of these places. When I was researching
Speaker 1: vegan restaurants, I was like, we've eaten here, and we've
Speaker 1: eaten here, and this is how my fucked up memory works.
Speaker 1: I can't remember anyone I went to high school with
Speaker 1: or things I did, but I remember what I ate
Speaker 1: at my random acquaintance's wedding like a girl managed me
Speaker 1: for a year. I just she just had all these
Speaker 1: pies at her wedding and I thought that was so cool,
Speaker 1: and I did overeat. I was gonna say, if I
Speaker 1: always remember the times I overate, I don't remember the
Speaker 1: times that I was like I just had a normal amount. Um. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so wait, We've been to Charleston and Durham and Greensboro.
Speaker 1: I think we've been Greensboro. Yeah, we've been to Greensboro.
Speaker 1: People would be shocked to find out that I can't
Speaker 1: remember this stuff. But I have a really bad memory
Speaker 1: for like for spaces as well, Like I just we
Speaker 1: fly into a town, I need to go take a
Speaker 1: nap immediately. I love napping before show because it just
Speaker 1: cleaves the day. Like I don't want to be performing
Speaker 1: with the save energy that I was on a Southwest flight,
Speaker 1: Like I want that to be the day before. And
Speaker 1: if I go to good nap and it's like reset
Speaker 1: and now's the night. Like I don't like to go
Speaker 1: straight through like on you. Sometimes we will land and
Speaker 1: Onion Matt will go right to the venue and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: I've never felt more bad for any humans in my
Speaker 1: life than when you and Matt can't take a nap
Speaker 1: between the show or like even relax at all or
Speaker 1: go to the hotel room. Well, a lot of time,
Speaker 1: Hanya is checking into the hotel after the show at
Speaker 1: like twelve at night, after the whole day of Go
Speaker 1: Go Go. We've been to Greenville, South Carolina. That's where
Speaker 1: it was that we've been. I've been there, but I
Speaker 1: don't think you've been. Yeah, I just looked it up.
Speaker 1: June I went last year. I was there. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: I don't know how we've been. We have eaten it
Speaker 1: two of these places. You will remember the menu, green Don't,
Speaker 1: North Carolina? Okay, well we're looking forward to it. People.
Speaker 1: Jack fruit tacos. Don't remember jackfruit tacos, Well, I have
Speaker 1: those all the time. Jack fruit jack fruit not not over,
Speaker 1: don't don't, don't go away. Um No. Jack fruit is
Speaker 1: so good and so unfulfilled, like it doesn't fill you
Speaker 1: up at all, so you have to eat all of it,
Speaker 1: like I have to eat. Yeah. I but man, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna get jack fruit tacos tonight. Chris and I are
Speaker 1: going to go to this restaurant that has them and
Speaker 1: they're so fucking good. Um what happened last night? Okay,
Speaker 1: so last night I was at Um. We went to
Speaker 1: go see tik Tek and then we went to dinner
Speaker 1: with our friend Nick and we went to Beauty and Essex,
Speaker 1: which is a great place in LA to have dinner.
Speaker 1: I am obsessed. David Spade was the one that originally
Speaker 1: introduced me to this place. Any restaurant that I know
Speaker 1: about is because Spade as we've had dinner there. Because
Speaker 1: I don't know everwhere to go, I just picked tie
Speaker 1: restaurants that are like dirty. Yeah, they have like a
Speaker 1: C minus in the window. That's like always what I
Speaker 1: go to. I don't know, but I some people, Yeah,
Speaker 1: well they're more like autumn by the time I get there.
Speaker 1: But but yeah, any kind of thing that I have
Speaker 1: taste of, it's always like because someone else who I
Speaker 1: think has better taste brought me there first. Yep, Like
Speaker 1: I was at saying at the Sunset Marquee, which I
Speaker 1: don't stay at anymore, so you know, who, don't try
Speaker 1: to stock me there. But I remember when I first
Speaker 1: got some money and was like visiting La. I used
Speaker 1: to just go on like hotel tonight and just get
Speaker 1: like a decent place, like I wasn't like living in
Speaker 1: squall or whatever. But when I first got to the
Speaker 1: point of like, oh, I like, am getting dropped off
Speaker 1: at this place, Like I need to like look like
Speaker 1: and I want to feel I could spend a little
Speaker 1: bit more money, I was like, I don't know where
Speaker 1: to stay because I don't want to stay at a
Speaker 1: place it's a thousand dollars a night. But I just
Speaker 1: trusted where Amy had stayed before because Amy was my
Speaker 1: first rich, famous friend. So I was like, I'll just
Speaker 1: go to the Sunset Marquis because that's where you go.
Speaker 1: And I actually ran into her. I was leaving there
Speaker 1: not too long ago, and I saw her outside. She
Speaker 1: was picking up another friend of ours, Bridget, and I
Speaker 1: was like Amy, and she was like hey, and I
Speaker 1: was like, I'm staying here because of you. But anything
Speaker 1: I've ever done has been like even like clothing wise,
Speaker 1: I'm like, where did you get those genes? Yeah, but
Speaker 1: that is a sign that you do have good taste,
Speaker 1: because you're like clocking something cool that you like, So
Speaker 1: it means you must have good Yes, it starts from somewhere,
Speaker 1: but I guess I'm not someone that, yeah, no, I
Speaker 1: just but sometimes I will. It's almost like when people
Speaker 1: hired stylists or you know, interior designers, they just go like,
Speaker 1: you know better than me, Just do what do what
Speaker 1: you want. But I do have my own I know
Speaker 1: what I like when they I see it. But last
Speaker 1: night we go to Beauty and Essex, which is really
Speaker 1: cool because you walk in and they have like it's
Speaker 1: like a little gift shop kind of thing at the
Speaker 1: front you walk through. And we were running late because
Speaker 1: we were like looking at tic Tek's penis and like
Speaker 1: time flew by, and so we get there and my
Speaker 1: friend Nick is waiting there and she's arranged it so
Speaker 1: that like our reservation, they made accommodation. Now I put
Speaker 1: my full name in, just hoping someone be like, oh,
Speaker 1: Nicky lays just coming, Let's let's give our extra appetizer
Speaker 1: or something, you know, like I don't know, because sometimes
Speaker 1: that happens, and it did. So they were like totally
Speaker 1: fine with us being a half hour late. I was mortified.
Speaker 1: I was so apologized. I hate being that late, like
Speaker 1: five minutes late. I'm chronically five to twelve minutes late,
Speaker 1: but like over twelve you should feel embarrassed. So we're
Speaker 1: walking by this jewelry box, this jewel and I kind
Speaker 1: of just see this necklace that has like a bunch
Speaker 1: of stars on it, and I was like Chris. I
Speaker 1: was like, I I go, Chris, by the way, if
Speaker 1: you ever want to buy me my jewelry that necklace.
Speaker 1: I love it. And I don't know how much it is.
Speaker 1: I don't know anything about it, but it looked like
Speaker 1: it wasn't like that expensive. I'm like, not going to
Speaker 1: point out something like a Svavorski fucking golden swan or something.
Speaker 1: And so he we go to the table and then
Speaker 1: he gets up to go back, like I think he's
Speaker 1: taking a shit, but he then he comes back to
Speaker 1: the table and I'm like, oh, someone got caught taken
Speaker 1: a ship because you were gone so long, like there's
Speaker 1: no there's no hiding that, babe, Like I know you
Speaker 1: didn't have a phone call. It was just kind of cute.
Speaker 1: We Nick and I both were like we thought you
Speaker 1: were taking a pooh, even though Chris would be mortified
Speaker 1: that I even associated him with that because he does
Speaker 1: not like potty humor. And then this guy came over
Speaker 1: and was like, here you ass and had a jewelry
Speaker 1: box and then like the check for him to sign,
Speaker 1: and he bought me the necklace on the spot and
Speaker 1: I'm wearing it right. Wow, I love it. Do you
Speaker 1: see closer? Oh that's so cute. It's so my god,
Speaker 1: I love it. I love it so much. And and
Speaker 1: it was so it was there was no part of
Speaker 1: me that thought he was going to buy it, and
Speaker 1: it was like and I became such a basic bitch.
Speaker 1: I went from being kind of like in a bad mood,
Speaker 1: like he's kind of on his phone on the way here,
Speaker 1: and like we're not I don't know, he's not asking
Speaker 1: me about my day enough in the way that I
Speaker 1: want him too. And he doesn't even know I have
Speaker 1: this really interesting story. But it's like he's not gonna
Speaker 1: get at it because he's not even asking me. He's
Speaker 1: just he's asking vague questions like he's like, do you
Speaker 1: have any good stories from today? And I'm like, I
Speaker 1: want more specific, like I want to know, ask me
Speaker 1: about the time of day, yeah, the story from yeah,
Speaker 1: Like I don't know what I wanted from him, but
Speaker 1: I was just like in a little crab. And then
Speaker 1: I got a necklace and I was like babe and
Speaker 1: just like hanging all over him and like he was
Speaker 1: almost like I was like, let me see that tic
Speaker 1: tac Like I was just like trying to get his
Speaker 1: tick tack. I was just so excited. I was so
Speaker 1: horned up from this dot necklace. It was yeah, I'm sorry, Chris,
Speaker 1: no I can't. Yeah, it's because it's the size of
Speaker 1: the dog, a seven pound dog. That's why. I mean,
Speaker 1: that's why is dick I call it tik tak um no.
Speaker 1: But I was just so horny all of a sudden
Speaker 1: because I got this like gift and I was like,
Speaker 1: oh no, I think one of my love languages is gifts. Bach.
Speaker 1: I always prided myself on like I'm not one of
Speaker 1: these basic horrors who likes purses and like gifts, Like
Speaker 1: gifts are just like that's so lame. But like even
Speaker 1: though I was literally like I want that and he
Speaker 1: just got it, there wasn't a lot of like it's
Speaker 1: still like it made me so happy. He got me
Speaker 1: flowers the other day that I just like leaned up
Speaker 1: over there. I don't even like flowers, but I told him,
Speaker 1: I was like, I love I love the thought of flowers.
Speaker 1: It's the thoughts that counts, or like the thought of
Speaker 1: you yes, because that's what a gift is. Someone like
Speaker 1: see something they think of you. Yes. And even if
Speaker 1: you pointed out it's like, you know what if I
Speaker 1: just make this little effort and come back and get
Speaker 1: up for her, she'll be happier. Yeah. Like it. It
Speaker 1: was just a very loving thing, and it was like
Speaker 1: it was just sweet because he knows. He also knows
Speaker 1: that I've made a lot of sacrifices to be here
Speaker 1: with him during this time. He is always ordering me
Speaker 1: like groceries. I come home and there's like eighteen Zivias,
Speaker 1: like twelve packs on the and like I can't consume
Speaker 1: all this while we're here. He's just trying to make
Speaker 1: it so easy. And then he's the most lovely thing
Speaker 1: at dinner. Oh my god, so he goes we were
Speaker 1: talking about we were helping our friend talk about like
Speaker 1: relationship stuff, and then he said about because I was
Speaker 1: telling my friend, you know, Chris has learned that I
Speaker 1: can be crazy sometimes and I can be like if
Speaker 1: he if I don't get a text back from him
Speaker 1: right away, I don't I don't go to he's cheating
Speaker 1: on me, which a lot of women go to or
Speaker 1: he I go to he found something because it's happened
Speaker 1: before in a relationship where he's like heard something I
Speaker 1: said on a podcast or like it's there's been times
Speaker 1: where he finds out something I don't hear. He gets
Speaker 1: a little quiet because he's processing it, and then eventually
Speaker 1: when we talk it becomes like I get confronted with,
Speaker 1: like you did this thing, and then I get broken
Speaker 1: up with. Like that's what happens when there's like a silence.
Speaker 1: So every time that if there's a delay in him
Speaker 1: writing to me, I start going back ten years now.
Speaker 1: I mean, he doesn't do this shit anymore, but I
Speaker 1: go back ten years where you found something, You're going
Speaker 1: to break up with me? And then I start texting him,
Speaker 1: like I need to hear back from me right now.
Speaker 1: If you don't get back to me, I'm going to
Speaker 1: then I'm gonna just I'm downloading bumble right now, Like
Speaker 1: I just assume our relationship is over. I go to
Speaker 1: like catastrophizing right away. And so I don't know if
Speaker 1: I said the word right, but he um so I
Speaker 1: was telling her that that because she was talking about something,
Speaker 1: and I go, you know, Chris has learned that. I
Speaker 1: think that sometimes in relationships, we get we get triggered
Speaker 1: by things, and we feel really bad that we do.
Speaker 1: We are like I'm so like I'm sorry, I'm like this,
Speaker 1: and like it's like I'm flawed. I'm such a bad
Speaker 1: person because I get jealous, or I get insecure about
Speaker 1: this one thing, or I get triggered by this little
Speaker 1: thing that most women wouldn't get triggered by, and we
Speaker 1: feel like there's something wrong with us. But the thing is,
Speaker 1: we all have these ticks. We all have these little
Speaker 1: things that we have to learn about each other and
Speaker 1: accommodate to. Like Chris now, he knows that I panic
Speaker 1: when I don't hear from him, so he most girls,
Speaker 1: he would probably go like he's in a meeting so
Speaker 1: he could just see me text and most girls if
Speaker 1: he were stating them, they wouldn't freak out, they just
Speaker 1: be He would get back to them when the meeting
Speaker 1: was over. But for me, he just has to He'll
Speaker 1: write like in a meeting or something like he'll give
Speaker 1: me something, or like if he's a little bit annoyed
Speaker 1: with me, I've talked about this before, We've worked out away,
Speaker 1: like like if I notice that. I say something like,
Speaker 1: let's give an example that has not happened. But let's
Speaker 1: say I'm having we're having lunch with friends and I
Speaker 1: reveal something that he told me in privacy, and now
Speaker 1: I'm announcing it to the group like it was like
Speaker 1: for public consumption, and he is feeling like you just
Speaker 1: revealed a secret. But for me, I'm doing the thing
Speaker 1: that I talked about before. I'm like, I wouldn't care
Speaker 1: if everyone knew that about me, right, But he's like
Speaker 1: any or he looks at me in a way of
Speaker 1: like why would you say that? Like we've all had
Speaker 1: those moments. I've had him with him, He's had him
Speaker 1: with me. I go to after this dinner, he's going
Speaker 1: to break up with me. It's over because I've I've
Speaker 1: harmed him in some way and there's no going back.
Speaker 1: He won't forgive me. There's no forgiveness. I'm a bad person.
Speaker 1: He hates me, he's disgusted by me. He's leaving me.
Speaker 1: That is where I go. And so now I've told him,
Speaker 1: when you're upset with me, but you're allowed to be.
Speaker 1: I have to be okay with that. Put your hand
Speaker 1: on my knee, like just give me some sort of
Speaker 1: touch and then you can take it away. But I
Speaker 1: just need some sort of touch. And that is just
Speaker 1: code for yes, you're you're sensing that there is up.
Speaker 1: I'm a little bit mad at you, but I'm not
Speaker 1: going to leave you. It's not we're not over. It's
Speaker 1: it's kind of like a wedding ring of sorts. I
Speaker 1: think that's what people say they get married for is
Speaker 1: because you once you get married, you know that every
Speaker 1: fight will have to be resolved and you have that security.
Speaker 1: I don't have that security. I don't even think I
Speaker 1: would feel it if I had a wedding ring, because
Speaker 1: that's like a concept of I need him to like
Speaker 1: just touch my leg and he knows that. That's our
Speaker 1: code word for I'm not going to break up with you,
Speaker 1: and I need that. And that's stupid. It's not stupid,
Speaker 1: but it's not it's a thing that it's it's my
Speaker 1: mind playing tricks on me. It's not something that's real.
Speaker 1: I'm scared of monsters under my bed, but he is
Speaker 1: looking under the bed to make me feel okay, even
Speaker 1: though there's no monsters. So what did he say at dinner?
Speaker 1: So at dinner, um, what was I getting a sweet
Speaker 1: thing that he said to you? So then he goes,
Speaker 1: he was like, we're I was talking about this to
Speaker 1: where I was like, I have all these weird things
Speaker 1: and these are the little, you know, ways we've come
Speaker 1: up with coping with my weird anxieties. And he goes,
Speaker 1: and I was thinking, he said, Nikki the other day
Speaker 1: apologized to me because he got home and I was
Speaker 1: just on my period. I was crying, I felt discussing
Speaker 1: nothing fit. I was having to wear jeans. It was
Speaker 1: like the night of the show you saw me on
Speaker 1: I was. I was nearly canceling the show. Was so depressed.
Speaker 1: I was like running a fever of depression and like
Speaker 1: I was crying and I was just like nothing fits
Speaker 1: and this I was as a mess and I didn't
Speaker 1: even clean anything. And then I get in the car
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I'm sorry. I didn't wash the bedding.
Speaker 1: I haven't swept, I haven't done the recycling, Like there's
Speaker 1: trash everyone. I haven't done anything domestic since we've been
Speaker 1: living together in this place. And he was like, I
Speaker 1: don't care. It doesn't matter to me. And then he
Speaker 1: said at dinner, he was like the other night, Nikki
Speaker 1: apologized for not like washing the towels or washing the
Speaker 1: bedding or taking the trash out, and he was like,
Speaker 1: I could find a woman that does all those things.
Speaker 1: There's many women that would love to do that stuff.
Speaker 1: That's just ingrained in them that that's what they do
Speaker 1: and they take care of the house in that way.
Speaker 1: But I would be sacrificing so many laughs and so
Speaker 1: many like weird moments of just like giggles and like
Speaker 1: pretty much laughs. He was like, I'm trading in like
Speaker 1: domestic bliss for just a weird lady who makes me
Speaker 1: laugh a lot that I know that other women can't
Speaker 1: bring for him because I'm fucking weird and the way
Speaker 1: I make him laugh is with some weird shit that
Speaker 1: you guys haven't even scene. And so that just hearing
Speaker 1: him tell someone else that made me feel so good
Speaker 1: of like and it made even though I was a
Speaker 1: little bit like I didn't even know he thought about
Speaker 1: like how women would fold his towels and like how
Speaker 1: that might be a nice thing that someone would would
Speaker 1: do the laundry. Like I know that about myself, but
Speaker 1: like I didn't know that he had noticed it. So
Speaker 1: it's like a kind of confirming this thing I am
Speaker 1: embarrassed about. But then he but then when he was like, cool,
Speaker 1: that didn't bug you, no, because I kind of know
Speaker 1: who I am. I am gross, like I just I
Speaker 1: don't he values that more? Yes, because yes, he values
Speaker 1: it more and he knows what he's signing up for.
Speaker 1: This is he like news to him that I Am
Speaker 1: not going to wash the dishcloths and then I'm going
Speaker 1: to like leave dishes in the sink. I'm not always
Speaker 1: like this this. I've just been kind of depressed and
Speaker 1: like running around and not getting enough sleep lately, so
Speaker 1: when there's time to clean, I'm just always going to sleep.
Speaker 1: But it was just nice that he acknowledged the laughs
Speaker 1: that we have are like the reason he's with me,
Speaker 1: because sometimes I forget sometimes I'm like, oh, you know,
Speaker 1: we have a good physical relationship. You know, we both
Speaker 1: like the same TV shows. I'm like, is this enough?
Speaker 1: And then I goes, oh, he thinks I'm funny, which
Speaker 1: I know that he does, duh. But it was just
Speaker 1: it was nice to hear him say it to a
Speaker 1: friend as if I wasn't there, right. It was a
Speaker 1: rare quality and a guy too, and it didn't. It
Speaker 1: didn't hurt that I was wearing my new star necklace
Speaker 1: that I was like, I just was pretty lady, see
Speaker 1: you like holding it. I was so excited, and I
Speaker 1: felt like bad being so excited about this gift, but
Speaker 1: I really was like, Babe, I loved that gift so much.
Speaker 1: I was just like, I was just staring at it
Speaker 1: all night because it's beautifully constructed. It's just cool looking.
Speaker 1: Um And he wanted to Yeah, of that like necklace. Yeah,
Speaker 1: just like it makes shopping easy for men when you
Speaker 1: just go I like this because men want to please us.
Speaker 1: They yeah, they want the manual, but some girls will
Speaker 1: want them to predict or read their mind, and that's
Speaker 1: a flaw of ours. I gotta say, I've never been
Speaker 1: when I te Chris like I need you to touch
Speaker 1: me more, and he starts, I'm not like, you're only
Speaker 1: doing it because I asked. I'm like, oh, you're doing
Speaker 1: it because I asked. That's cool, Good for you. So
Speaker 1: I think, as women, if you ask for something and
Speaker 1: they do it, don't punish them for doing the thing
Speaker 1: you asked. Give them credit for that, because I'll tell
Speaker 1: you a lot of men don't do the thing you ask,
Speaker 1: and that is a thing in and of itself to
Speaker 1: even care enough to do this thing they don't really
Speaker 1: want to do, but only because you're asking. It's like
Speaker 1: the Jenniferranson thing in the breakup. No, I want you
Speaker 1: to want to do the dishes, and he's like, why
Speaker 1: would I want to do the dishes. He's like, I'll
Speaker 1: do them, but I don't want to, just like I
Speaker 1: want you to want to help, and it's like, that's
Speaker 1: just not going to happen. Just take what you can get.
Speaker 1: And I got a necklace, so I'm pretty happy. Have
Speaker 1: you guys gotten any good gifts yet? Like lately that
Speaker 1: are like little moments with your partner of sweetness. I
Speaker 1: can't remember I'm breaking up, No Matt. I see moments
Speaker 1: of sweetness with Matt all the time. How about the
Speaker 1: fact that he calls you darling all the time. It
Speaker 1: is honestly the most romances, Psyche. We are driving me crazy, Darling.
Speaker 1: No it's not darling. Uh No, it's oh it's not.
Speaker 1: He just calls you darling and dog on Instagram made
Speaker 1: a rescue. He's calling you darlin, darline. Yeah, he's dreaming
Speaker 1: about that bitch. No, I'm always jealous of his darling's
Speaker 1: and his um and the fact that I see you
Speaker 1: guys get into little TIFFs when it comes to driving
Speaker 1: that Chris and I would just like our car would
Speaker 1: slip over if we better, and you guys get right
Speaker 1: through it. You're both like he's You're like, you seem
Speaker 1: to be panicking about where I'm going. I know where
Speaker 1: I'm going, And he's just like, Nope, you're right, you do.
Speaker 1: Whereas like if I said that kind of thing, it
Speaker 1: would be like it would just literally I should just
Speaker 1: like hurl the van off a bridge from that would
Speaker 1: be a Later we had a conversation about it or
Speaker 1: not that great. Later it was brought up, it's not
Speaker 1: to do that again. People. It always you can just
Speaker 1: as a couple, you can behave yourselves in front of
Speaker 1: other people, yeah, or you can like say things that
Speaker 1: you wouldn't normally. I thought, I was like, oh that
Speaker 1: was easy. Nope, did him darling during the conversation, do
Speaker 1: I ain't never do that again. I was walking up
Speaker 1: the stairs and he couldn't see me, but he was like,
Speaker 1: that was behind me, like a couple flights below, but
Speaker 1: he could hear someone was ahead of him and he goes,
Speaker 1: is that my babe? And I go yes, but I
Speaker 1: go yes, and I like did a fun because of
Speaker 1: your teeth. He was so embarrassed. You could tell because
Speaker 1: he was like he was like my babe, Like it
Speaker 1: was just sweet thing. I wanted to so bad, but
Speaker 1: I was not his babe. I'm like, I'm sorry, it's
Speaker 1: not she's not here. But it's so cute that he
Speaker 1: just up the stairs like is that my baby? It
Speaker 1: wasn't Romeo. It was like Juliet with his voice echoing yes. No.
Speaker 1: I was like, it's darling. It's not Darling. All right, guys,
Speaker 1: we gotta go. Thank you for listening to the pod.
Speaker 1: This has been the shows this week See you in
Speaker 1: the South this weekend. Very excited come to those shows
Speaker 1: and um, you know, go to the merch booth and
Speaker 1: say you're bestie and we'll bump you up to meet
Speaker 1: and great if you want. UM. Love you guys so much.
Speaker 1: Thank you for listening to the show. Noah, thanks for
Speaker 1: being in town. Has been to have you here. Um
Speaker 1: and an y'all see you on Friday, and besties, we'll
Speaker 1: see you this weekend and definitely see you next week
Speaker 1: on the show, Bye Guys Don't and