Speaker 1: So there's something I thought of recently. I don't know
Speaker 1: where I was talking about this to someone. I don't
Speaker 1: know if it was in therapy or there was somewhere
Speaker 1: that I was talking about this. But there's a dynamic
Speaker 1: that isn't discussed that much that goes on in divorce.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: We had a podcast called Divorce. It exploded. It was
Speaker 1: millions of Yews crazy. It just was a little bit
Speaker 1: flying too close to the sun for me having gone
Speaker 1: through an excruciating time and then talking about it, and
Speaker 1: then my mother passed away and I was going through
Speaker 1: a breakup. It was just like a lot to.
Speaker 2: Unload.
Speaker 1: But there are concepts of divorce that I think should
Speaker 1: be discussed because it was such a topic that people
Speaker 1: were devouring. And one topic is if there's a contentious
Speaker 1: divorce or break up, and let's say one person jilted
Speaker 1: the other, or the other person hasn't gotten over one person,
Speaker 1: or they've been hurt either during their relationship or during
Speaker 1: the divorce, and there's a child involved the parent. This
Speaker 1: happened with me. Oh I was doing an interview the
Speaker 1: other day for this podcast, and someone asked me about
Speaker 1: my relationship with my real father and there was a
Speaker 1: resentment towards me that was completely unwarranted and irrational because
Speaker 1: it started at a time when I was like five
Speaker 1: years old, I was living with my real father. Because
Speaker 1: the story goes, and I always say the story goes
Speaker 1: because people tell their kids things. And I said to
Speaker 1: this guy that I grew up in a house of liars,
Speaker 1: So don't I never know what exactly is true and
Speaker 1: what's not true, but what the story went that my mother,
Speaker 1: And not until you're an age where you're going through
Speaker 1: real life things like divorce, et cetera, do you start
Speaker 1: to understand the messages that were being sent to you
Speaker 1: as a kid. So the story went that, and it
Speaker 1: tracks that my mother and father broke up and that
Speaker 1: she wanted to be in New York. He moved to California.
Speaker 1: I was with him in California because he said he
Speaker 1: wouldn't support me or pay for me unless I was
Speaker 1: living with him. Now, I don't know what money she
Speaker 1: did or didn't have to pay for divorce lawyers. I
Speaker 1: don't know what the system was like back then. It
Speaker 1: certainly wasn't like it is now. And I do know
Speaker 1: that for years, I don't think he really paid child support.
Speaker 2: I do know that.
Speaker 1: So I was living with him and I missed her.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to be there with him. It was
Speaker 1: a very wild sort of drugs and the seventies and
Speaker 1: young women and just like a racetrack lifestyle. And her
Speaker 1: lifestyle was horrendous too, But I wanted. A kid wants
Speaker 1: to be with their mother often for whatever reason. I
Speaker 1: I missed her and wanted to be with her, and
Speaker 1: I did go back to her, I think at like five.
Speaker 1: So I then didn't really have anything to do with him,
Speaker 1: and saw him once when I was thirteen, and he
Speaker 1: the resentment of me had already started, like he's sort
Speaker 1: of I remember him saying he was throwing his hands
Speaker 1: up with the situation. There was a time where he
Speaker 1: reached out when I was thirteen, wanted to see each other,
Speaker 1: and then I was supposed to go visit him.
Speaker 2: Actually no, this was seven. When I was seven, I
Speaker 2: was supposed to go visit him.
Speaker 1: And because he was so successful and he didn't, I
Speaker 1: had I had a high fever. My mother wouldn't let
Speaker 1: me get on the plane because he didn't get me
Speaker 1: a first class ticket. It was almost like she was
Speaker 1: looking for an excuse so she wouldn't let me get
Speaker 1: on the plane. And he then later said he was
Speaker 1: washing his hands with the whole situation, which I remember,
Speaker 1: and it meant to me with me and for years,
Speaker 1: even when I reconnected with him later in college, when
Speaker 1: he tried to sort of pursue me once I needed
Speaker 1: him or wanted for him to be my father, try
Speaker 1: to like in stuff like she a pet father at
Speaker 1: water and like I'm gonna have a father At eighteen
Speaker 1: or twenty or whatever old I was, he was kind
Speaker 1: of resentful of me, and I used to try to
Speaker 1: get something from him, and like he would withhold emotions
Speaker 1: and like be sort of manipulative with me until till
Speaker 1: he died. He was just he just he didn't care
Speaker 1: for me, and he would he just was mean to me,
Speaker 1: to be honest, And it really always felt like I
Speaker 1: was my mother to him, even though I'm not like
Speaker 1: my mother in many ways, but I think I was
Speaker 1: my mother to him, and I think many in many divorces,
Speaker 1: and it's not discussed enough, a parent resents the child
Speaker 1: because they remind them of the ex Let's say that,
Speaker 1: like you get divorced from a woman and she and
Speaker 1: the daughter are very very close, and.
Speaker 2: You know, you.
Speaker 1: Can't stand the mother. If the mother and the daughter
Speaker 1: do a lot of things together and the daughter really
Speaker 1: looks up to and loves the mother, and let's say,
Speaker 1: you in subtle ways, you know, try to allude to
Speaker 1: the mother not being great or said bad things to
Speaker 1: the kid about the mother, but it didn't work. You know,
Speaker 1: there's like some resentment that lies there. And I just
Speaker 1: think it's a dynamic that needs to be watched. And
Speaker 1: I also think it's a dynamic that's extremely toxic and
Speaker 1: that should be mitigated or eliminated.
Speaker 2: At all costs.
Speaker 1: And I just think the kids are put in the
Speaker 1: middle in ways that aren't always discussed. So I think
Speaker 1: there's just a dynamic where parents resent the child or
Speaker 1: a son, like a mother with the son if the
Speaker 1: son is really into sports and wants to do everything
Speaker 1: the father wants to do, and the mother feels left
Speaker 1: out and she can't stand the father and she starts
Speaker 1: to see that her son is reminding her or acting
Speaker 1: more like the father. That's going to be challenging. So
Speaker 1: and it doesn't mean that someone can't remind you of
Speaker 1: someone that you hate and still be a good person.
Speaker 1: It just means that it probably would be triggering. You
Speaker 1: know you just even if someone looks like someone that
Speaker 1: would be hard. What if you can't stand someone they
Speaker 1: cheated on you, whatever they did, they fucked you over,
Speaker 1: and then your kid looks exactly like them. I just
Speaker 1: don't hear anyone talk about that enough, so I thought
Speaker 1: of it during this interview. So, if you're dating and
Speaker 1: you're going through a breakup, okay, if you're going through
Speaker 1: any sort of breakup.
Speaker 2: A lot of people are asking me about breakups. It's
Speaker 2: a new year.
Speaker 1: People stayed with people through the holidays, which is a
Speaker 1: big thing. You don't want to deal with it around Thanksgiving,
Speaker 1: but then oh it's Christmas. Then you don't want to
Speaker 1: be alone on New Year's Eve. Now it's fucking New Year.
Speaker 1: The world's been coming to an end. January is forty
Speaker 1: two months long. It's insane. It's like January ninety ninth.
Speaker 1: And now people are like, wait, I am still in
Speaker 1: the same relationship and I'm going through a breakup.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: People talk all the time about dating. I talk about it.
Speaker 1: We don't talk about breaking up and juice fast. For example,
Speaker 1: getting into a juice fast, you should ease into a
Speaker 1: gew fast. Then you go hard and when you come
Speaker 1: off of it, you're not supposed to just drink a
Speaker 1: martini and have a cheeseburger, otherwise you end up in
Speaker 1: the hospital. So you have to have a mode, a
Speaker 1: modus operandi for breaking up. One thing is if you
Speaker 1: ultimately really know that you're not going to be with
Speaker 1: this person, which is impossible because you could intellectually know
Speaker 1: you're not going to be with someone but emotionally miss
Speaker 1: them and want the fix. So what you ultimately really
Speaker 1: have to do is detox from them. And there are
Speaker 1: many different ways. Some people get off the drug going
Speaker 1: cold turkey, some people need to take a little hit
Speaker 1: or do the methadone clinic. Okay, so you have to
Speaker 1: be honest with yourself. But in neither of those situations
Speaker 1: is it ever good to go back and binge on
Speaker 1: the drug and take the drug. So we can go
Speaker 1: through a whole thing about this, because we're always talking
Speaker 1: about dating. But what I would say is there's a
Speaker 1: discipline to it, just in the way that there's a
Speaker 1: discipline to being healthy. So if a relationship wasn't working
Speaker 1: for you, whether somebody breaks up with you or you
Speaker 1: break up with them, and you can break up with
Speaker 1: someone and also have a goal in mind. You can
Speaker 1: break up with someone you can know they're not right
Speaker 1: with you for you, but you need to get off
Speaker 1: the sauce somehow, and you're not ready to fully go
Speaker 1: cold turkey, so you can somehow maintain some connection. Let's
Speaker 1: say they reach out to You can smile, you can
Speaker 1: put a thumbs up, you can put a heart on it.
Speaker 1: You're kind of like taking the smallest hit. It's like
Speaker 1: micro dosing the person. But you're not giving them anything.
Speaker 1: You're not moving it forward. You're not telling them you
Speaker 1: love them, you're not calling them, you're not telling them
Speaker 1: you miss them.
Speaker 2: You're just sort of in their ether.
Speaker 1: And that gives you time to get off the sauce
Speaker 1: and get like most of it out of your system.
Speaker 1: So then a, either you can get to the point
Speaker 1: where they're fully out of your system. B. Because they're
Speaker 1: fully out of your system, they're freaking out that you're
Speaker 1: not missing them and that you're able to do this
Speaker 1: because invariably they probably think you can't handle it without them,
Speaker 1: and they're running the same game that you are. They
Speaker 1: may be out having sex to medicate, they could be
Speaker 1: partying to medicate. They could be crying, they could be
Speaker 1: doing the same thing. They could be playing a game.
Speaker 1: You don't fucking know. But you have to detox, and
Speaker 1: you can have two things going on at the same
Speaker 1: time where by way of you detoxing from the person,
Speaker 1: they are also freaking out because they can't believe you
Speaker 1: don't need the drug.
Speaker 2: And if you go.
Speaker 1: Take a hit off the pipe, they then know you
Speaker 1: need the drug. They've got you hooked, they know you're
Speaker 1: going to come back for more. They've got a little
Speaker 1: dim bag waiting for you. So just know that that
Speaker 1: you could be a strategist by also going you know,
Speaker 1: not not breaking the diet, not going on the sauce,
Speaker 1: but also you're being an emotional strategist where you're helping
Speaker 1: yourself because you're getting off of it. Other people would
Speaker 1: just believe in in cold turkey, some people would believe
Speaker 1: go if the other person. If you love someone, you
Speaker 1: set them free, if it was meant to be, they'll
Speaker 1: come back to you and like it doesn't matter. You
Speaker 1: don't have to overthink everything and you don't have to
Speaker 1: be like, wait, well I didn't call them, so maybe
Speaker 1: they don't know I love them, or they don't know
Speaker 1: I miss them. You know, if someone wants to be
Speaker 1: with you, they're going to fucking show you. If someone
Speaker 1: shows you who they are or what they want or
Speaker 1: what they don't want or how they feel, bah leave them.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: The other thing is when you're in this phase, they
Speaker 1: don't get to like have you for like pen pal
Speaker 1: talks like, they don't get to be like, oh hey
Speaker 1: did you go? Oh thought of you and send a
Speaker 1: picture then you send something back, because that's a hit.
Speaker 1: That's taking a small hit. You can get by. They
Speaker 1: can get by too. They will never need to know
Speaker 1: or feel what it's like to be without you. And
Speaker 1: so that's again something that helps you emotionally, but it's
Speaker 1: also a strategy meaning what you're gonna it's the cow
Speaker 1: and the milk, Like you're gonna give them the banter,
Speaker 1: which equals what a lot of a relationship is. A
Speaker 1: lot of times people miss each other because of the companionship,
Speaker 1: because of the best friendship. It's the cigarette you took
Speaker 1: a hit off of all day. It's like a tick.
Speaker 1: You just talk to this person, you called them, you
Speaker 1: sent them pictures. They would just like you picked up
Speaker 1: the phone to call them, You send them emojis, you
Speaker 1: send them videos, you inside jokes, like, that's a lot,
Speaker 1: day and day out. It's not like you're just missing
Speaker 1: like the sex. Maybe on a Saturday night when you're wasted,
Speaker 1: you're missing the sex because you're horny or something, or
Speaker 1: you're lonely and you're hitting Sunday scaries. That happens, but
Speaker 1: day and day out, it's kind of the habit. So
Speaker 1: if you give them a hit off the pipe, they're
Speaker 1: getting the cat, you know why, by the cow they
Speaker 1: have to feel like, and why would you give them
Speaker 1: just some of you. It's a rose. It has petals
Speaker 1: and thorns. They're gonna have to take the thorns with
Speaker 1: the petals because giving them the little hits all day
Speaker 1: long and the cuteness about you and you're being a friend,
Speaker 1: that's the petals without the thorns. They're taking an a
Speaker 1: la carte menu. They're walking in and going I want
Speaker 1: this and that, but I don't want the rest, and
Speaker 1: you're just sitting there giving it to them. It's almost
Speaker 1: like an emotional booty call. It really actually is like
Speaker 1: an emotional booty call. They text you and want you
Speaker 1: just to say something back is the equivalent of like,
Speaker 1: hey want to hook up later. I want to meet
Speaker 1: up later. You get weak, you just want the hit,
Speaker 1: you want to see them, you want to get laid.
Speaker 1: You'll go, You'll feel lower the next day. So the
Speaker 1: same thing happens emotionally. You want to take a little hit.
Speaker 1: It makes you feel worse after. It makes you feel
Speaker 1: worse after you have a scratch you on it, itch
Speaker 1: you fucking ride it through like a sugar craving, like
Speaker 1: a like like someone who needs to go to a meeting.
Speaker 1: You talk to a therapist, you talk to a friend,
Speaker 1: you take a nap, you watch a movie, you organize
Speaker 1: your closet, you go do something, you cook something, you
Speaker 1: hug your kid, you watch, you do whatever the fuck
Speaker 1: it it is you need to do instead of sitting there.
Speaker 1: You know, and sometimes sitting there is okay. Like let's
Speaker 1: say you're laying down and you're going to bed, or
Speaker 1: you're meditating to avoid thinking about something means you're not
Speaker 1: massaging it and working it through. If you have a calm,
Speaker 1: clear mind, you can work through and really logically be
Speaker 1: like is this what I ultimately want? Or am I
Speaker 1: wanting this? Because it's like a gamification of the system,
Speaker 1: because it's just like I miss something. Is this how
Speaker 1: I want to live? Is what it was? How I
Speaker 1: want to feel when we were together, when we were apart,
Speaker 1: Like what is it all entail? What was I in?
Speaker 1: And do I want to do that again? And do
Speaker 1: I want to do that again for the right reasons?
Speaker 1: And if I take a hit and I go back
Speaker 1: in now I'm gonna have to go through detox all
Speaker 1: over again. So you better make sure that the other
Speaker 1: person is giving you exactly what you want to go
Speaker 1: back otherwise it's the definition of insanity. Why would you
Speaker 1: go back to the same thing that you felt bad
Speaker 1: in because you're scared, because you're scared of being alone?
Speaker 1: Absolutely not. You got through the bad peer. You got
Speaker 1: to go all the way through because otherwise you go
Speaker 1: right back, right back, and you'll have the shakes and
Speaker 1: the sweats, and you got to go through detoks all
Speaker 1: over again. Because while people will evolve, some people don't change.
Speaker 1: And the only people that change are people that drastically
Speaker 1: want to change that come and say like I am
Speaker 1: scared straight, I fucked up. I love you. I can't
Speaker 1: imagine life without you. How can I change. What can
Speaker 1: we do If someone isn't there, they're not worth your time,
Speaker 1: because then you're gonna be dragging them. You're gonna be
Speaker 1: pulling them. It's like pulling a sled. So I just
Speaker 1: think that I talked about my divorce a lot. I've
Speaker 1: talked about dating a lot. We can talk about breaking up.
Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be so drastic into just getting
Speaker 1: together and falling in love or getting a vicious, brutal divorce.
Speaker 1: We can talk in the middle about what it's like
Speaker 1: to just go through a breakup and it's really, really
Speaker 1: fucking hard, and fear gets in the way of truth.
Speaker 1: Fear is literally like when people our shit, I'll be alone.
Speaker 1: I'm no one's ever gonna treat me that way. I'm
Speaker 1: never gonna find somebody again, et cetera. So that's what
Speaker 1: I have to say about that. So we're adding breakups
Speaker 1: into the talk about makeups and dating