Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Wall Street gets a kick in the nasdacs. The World
Speaker 2: Wrestling Federation is going public on the New York Stock Exchange,
Speaker 2: hoping to body slam the market, pile drive its competitors,
Speaker 2: and put a sleeper hold on investors. In a story
Speaker 2: that can only be described as full of dumb metaphors
Speaker 2: to welcome the WWF to the big board, Today's trading
Speaker 2: session ended with stone cold Steve Austin slamming Alan Greenspan's
Speaker 2: head into the closing bow.
Speaker 3: Now Daily Show.
Speaker 2: Chief financial correspondent Stephen Colbert has been following this story
Speaker 2: very closely. We go now live to Wall Street for
Speaker 2: a report. Steven DUP's the advance word on the trading
Speaker 2: floor for the wrestling public.
Speaker 4: Offering well, John, the WWF IPO is creating quite a buzz.
Speaker 4: Investors are looking for product, branding and long term growth.
Speaker 5: You want, Morghie, I will kick your short term bind
Speaker 5: so far up you with holdings.
Speaker 3: You're gonna be picking Fanny Maids out of your ass
Speaker 3: for a week.
Speaker 2: David, Wait, Steven, what is is everything okay?
Speaker 3: Down there?
Speaker 1: It's nothing, John.
Speaker 4: Some of the Morgan Stanley foreign debt guys are uh,
Speaker 4: they're trash talking.
Speaker 2: Has this wrestling IPO really changed the mood down there.
Speaker 4: On the floor, Well, there's a sense of increased optimism,
Speaker 4: but that could be attributed to the fed's restraint on
Speaker 4: interest rates.
Speaker 2: Steve and I, I don't mean to interrupt.
Speaker 6: Who who is that?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 4: He goes by the name of the underwriter. You don't
Speaker 4: want a piece of that, June.
Speaker 2: I can't. This is shocking. It seems the floor has
Speaker 2: really gotten caught up in the spirit of this IPO.
Speaker 3: You you want to know why the yen is down,
Speaker 3: yamamodo because you panny waste can't handle a gold back currency.
Speaker 3: Never got the kneeky.
Speaker 1: It's for old ladies and bad winners. Oh oh nun.
Speaker 2: Chucked right, Stavid Is did I just hear the closing bell? No?
Speaker 3: John, it's the opening sounds of what pass season.
Speaker 7: Come on you you you.
Speaker 3: Will taste the sweet dish of my wrath.
Speaker 1: Thank you very much.
Speaker 2: Stephen Colbert on the floor of the wall Treet Trading Firm.
Speaker 8: Something.
Speaker 2: You may watch a program last night. You know that
Speaker 2: Barack Obama was our guest on the program. He was
Speaker 2: not actually here in the studio. The good news. Of course,
Speaker 2: hope can be transmitted via satellite now just flies through
Speaker 2: the air. We've actually had now all the presidential candidates
Speaker 2: on our show, the three that are remain, and I
Speaker 2: would like to think that appearing on this program is
Speaker 2: as low as they're going to go to pander for votes.
Speaker 2: I would like to think that we truly are the
Speaker 2: bottom of their barrel, or even not even not just
Speaker 2: whatever it is that grows under the bottom of barrels,
Speaker 2: that would be us, That would be my hope for them,
Speaker 2: for our country. But last night, I go home after
Speaker 2: the show, as I usually do on a Monday night,
Speaker 2: I put my feet and snaps and salts, light a
Speaker 2: cinnamon candle, and I turn on my WWE raw and
Speaker 2: I see this.
Speaker 9: On the eve of the Pennsylvania primary, all three presidential
Speaker 9: candidates will be specifically addressing you. Are WWE fans right
Speaker 9: here tonight, let's get readiness dub.
Speaker 7: I'm Hillary Clinton, but tonight, in honor of the WWE,
Speaker 7: you can call me hill Rod.
Speaker 10: No, I've got one question. Do you smell what Baraka
Speaker 10: is cooking?
Speaker 2: No? Of course, Senator McCain, he's got the nomination sewn
Speaker 2: up He's not gonna have to pepper his message with
Speaker 2: embarrassing wrestling affectation. What she gonna do when John McCain
Speaker 2: and all his mccani acts run wild on you? Generally,
Speaker 2: when mccainiacs run wild on me, I rubbed some lotrum
Speaker 2: in on it. Why do the candidates humiliate themselves in
Speaker 2: cable backwaters like ww E RAW and The Daily Show
Speaker 2: because they're running for president and the chance to humiliate
Speaker 2: themselves on a network.
Speaker 3: I'd rather be on Deal or.
Speaker 6: No deal with Ether Night.
Speaker 3: Come to think of it, I'm thrilled.
Speaker 6: To be anywhere with high ratings these days.
Speaker 2: He's incredibly unpopular for more. Return to Daily Show, Senior
Speaker 2: political analyst, Whyat's and Aack in Washington? Wyatt, you know
Speaker 2: I'm about done, I gotta tell you. As you scroll
Speaker 2: down through all these scandals, it's hard to imagine that
Speaker 2: any of these people believe in anything. Their ethics are
Speaker 2: purely situational. Or perhaps they're brain damage to have no
Speaker 2: short term memories.
Speaker 1: I don't know, John, here's your problem. You think politicians
Speaker 1: want to win their arguments when all they really want
Speaker 1: to do is keep having them. They know arguments are
Speaker 1: interesting they energize voters, they keep the money flowing in.
Speaker 2: You're telling me that their interest is in conflict, not
Speaker 2: in resolution.
Speaker 1: Yes, John, do you watch professional wrestling? Yes, so then
Speaker 1: you know that right now Sean Michaels is angry at
Speaker 1: the Undertaker rightfully, so, yeah, but they're gonna settle it
Speaker 1: in the squared circle, so it will be done well
Speaker 1: unless something were to happen to keep the fight going.
Speaker 6: I get it.
Speaker 2: They have to keep the conflict going. But at least
Speaker 2: in wrestling, we know the good guys and the bad guys.
Speaker 2: Shawn Michaels is a good guy. Undertaker is a bad guy.
Speaker 1: Until the swerve when they switch. It keeps the audience
Speaker 1: interested and the money again keeps flowing.
Speaker 2: You're saying that congressional leaders flip on issues to keep
Speaker 2: conflict going and keep the money flowing, keep their bases interested.
Speaker 1: John, congress people are in office for like eighty or
Speaker 1: ninety years. You can't just expect them to do the
Speaker 1: same character that whole time. It gets boring.
Speaker 2: So you're saying, like Harry Reid's flip flop on whether
Speaker 2: he would like to amend the filibuster is just a
Speaker 2: pro wrestling move as nuts. That's nuts?
Speaker 1: Why really? Okay, Look, John, I didn't want to have
Speaker 1: to do this. Mick what who? I brought in Daily
Speaker 1: Show senior ass kicker Mick Foley to show how easy
Speaker 1: it is for a politician to work both sides of
Speaker 1: the filibuster. Foley, save the filibuster, America.
Speaker 2: Today is your lucky day.
Speaker 5: The evil majorities think they can shut me up, that
Speaker 5: I'll give.
Speaker 7: Up, But today one man can make a difference.
Speaker 5: I'm gonna step in that ring all alone, and they
Speaker 5: can come at me.
Speaker 3: With chairs with bats, with chairs made of bats.
Speaker 5: But none of that matters as long as I have
Speaker 5: my one special move.
Speaker 7: The filibuster.
Speaker 2: Al persuasive argument there, persuasive patriotic arguments.
Speaker 1: For the philibuster. I know it's good now right now,
Speaker 1: check this out. Watch the swerve, Mick Foley, destroy the filibuster.
Speaker 11: O your little.
Speaker 7: Piss and pencil neck geeks think a filibuster can stop
Speaker 7: the will of the people, Well, I got two words
Speaker 7: for you.
Speaker 3: Reconcile this.
Speaker 7: It's time for one man, one vote, one feet down.
Speaker 7: You are a get wind bags think you can obstruct progress.
Speaker 7: Well you might love the sound of your own little voice.
Speaker 7: But the only thing you're gonna hear tonight is my
Speaker 7: fist down your throat.
Speaker 10: Whoa, whoa, yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, John, did you hear that?
Speaker 7: Did you hear his test?
Speaker 12: Have I heard of us?
Speaker 2: So both sides can take a position.
Speaker 3: But isn't that what the news media.
Speaker 2: Is for, to provide context, break through the posturing, and
Speaker 2: create a little clarity.
Speaker 1: Context, John, No, the news guys they're more like the manager,
Speaker 1: the color guys. They got their own take on the
Speaker 1: filibuster toy.
Speaker 2: So what you're saying is is the whole thing is fake.
Speaker 2: The whole thing is fake, like professional wrestling. Is that
Speaker 2: what you're saying?
Speaker 3: What did you say?
Speaker 7: John?
Speaker 5: I said, just.
Speaker 3: Look stark what this used to be my ear? No,
Speaker 3: who's whipped up the side of my head? I want
Speaker 3: to I want to tell you to talk. I want
Speaker 3: you want to picture men? Got him?
Speaker 13: Well, be right.
Speaker 1: Back, got him?
Speaker 14: As we've seen, as we've seen recently, it's kids, not
Speaker 14: politicians who seem to be pushing political change. In fact,
Speaker 14: most politicians can't even manage to get their own messages
Speaker 14: out there, and that's especially true for the Democrats. But
Speaker 14: luckily we might have found a way to help the
Speaker 14: Dems out. Ronnie Chang reports.
Speaker 10: Democrats might know how to rally their banks, but when
Speaker 10: they reach out to Middle America, they say things like.
Speaker 15: For working families to get a share of that prosperity
Speaker 15: that they're creating, we need some serious enforcement of competition laws.
Speaker 10: You're boring single payer, single payer, single It's like you
Speaker 10: don't even care about what you're saying.
Speaker 3: Can you hear me now?
Speaker 1: It's no, it's not.
Speaker 10: And it's no surprise. Last election, people in swing states
Speaker 10: went for a guy who said things like.
Speaker 5: Who's gonna pay for the law? Like to punch him
Speaker 5: in the face, I'll tell you.
Speaker 13: Trump honed his trade mount oratorical style where else in
Speaker 13: professional wrestling, and if Democrats were gonna fight back, they
Speaker 13: needed someone who could go head ahead with a WWE
Speaker 13: Hall of Famer like Trump.
Speaker 10: And in the out of cold country we found him.
Speaker 3: Hudger, ignorant mouse, has a progressive liberal have something to say?
Speaker 10: Finally a Democrat who doesn't make me want to change
Speaker 10: the channel. Dan Richards has been making headlines wrestling as
Speaker 10: the progressive liberal and rolling up small town audiences all
Speaker 10: over Trump Country.
Speaker 14: I should have done this alone.
Speaker 10: How hot is it to pretend to have these liberal values?
Speaker 8: Oh I'm not pretending.
Speaker 2: Shut up.
Speaker 10: But even if the crowd hates him, the progressive liberal
Speaker 10: could teach swing state democrats some classic wrestling techniques for
Speaker 10: getting voters attention?
Speaker 1: Do you want to stick to broad brushstro talking points?
Speaker 10: Right? So, Middle America would rather learn about politics through
Speaker 10: a mostly naked man than by reading a book. Yeah,
Speaker 10: but Dan assured me that besides wearing shirts, politicians and
Speaker 10: wrestlers had one key difference.
Speaker 4: People in politics will say anything to get elected, whereas
Speaker 4: a good wrestler, they're only gonna say things that they
Speaker 4: truly believe in.
Speaker 10: So what you're saying is that the level of political
Speaker 10: discourse in wrestling is actually higher than in politics. Oh yeah,
Speaker 10: but with Congress immobilized bipartisan politics, what advice did the
Speaker 10: progressive liberal have for Democrats. Let's say you're Chuck Schumer
Speaker 10: and Mick McConnell puts you in a headlock. What do
Speaker 10: you do?
Speaker 4: I would reverse it into a top wrist lock.
Speaker 1: Now would stomp on his elbow, breaking his.
Speaker 10: Wrist, and then the issue would be resolved without a doubt.
Speaker 10: The progressive liberal had some great ideas for updating democrats messaging,
Speaker 10: But could you take on the heavyweight champion of White House.
Speaker 10: Unfortunately he was busy golfing, so we cast someone else
Speaker 10: to approximate Trump's rhetorical style.
Speaker 16: Shop. Yeahs is it just me always getting cold in here?
Speaker 16: Because that's because there's a snowflake in the ring.
Speaker 1: Snow Flake? What pandering?
Speaker 10: I'm not pandering one of them. My pandering was working
Speaker 10: time to take this to the next level. Do you
Speaker 10: know what this man wants?
Speaker 16: Let me guess what you want to do with the
Speaker 16: guns in this country. Just let me guess you want
Speaker 16: to take them away.
Speaker 1: I don't want to take away guns.
Speaker 3: I'm just four really strict background checks.
Speaker 10: Okay, that wasn't too hot to understand and the audience
Speaker 10: was into it.
Speaker 16: Okay, fine, whatever about guns. Let me guess what you
Speaker 16: want to do about marijuana.
Speaker 1: I think what people want to do behind closed doors
Speaker 1: should be their business.
Speaker 7: I tell you though, that is.
Speaker 1: My position as the progressive liberal looks.
Speaker 10: Like broadbrush talking points look especially that marijuana one Democrats.
Speaker 10: So maybe let wrestlers craft slogans for your next campaign,
Speaker 10: like lock guns up, or make America Great US, or
Speaker 10: just for twenty for twenty twenty. Let's face it, what
Speaker 10: really turns on spring steak crowds isn't words, it's action.
Speaker 10: I don't care about your positions because you such then
Speaker 10: all America wants a strong hero who won't back down from
Speaker 10: a fight. So Democrats, if you want to beat a
Speaker 10: wrestler president, keep it simple and go on the offensive.
Speaker 7: Sake now, pow sag now, pout sech.
Speaker 10: Welcome to the future of American politics.
Speaker 3: So immigration, clearly a dominance issue in the country right now,
Speaker 3: is being discussed everywhere. And I do mean everywhere.
Speaker 12: I am speaking to you from within our country that
Speaker 12: is under siege every day. We have bigners flooding our country,
Speaker 12: sneaking across our border, black rats in the streets.
Speaker 3: Hey, hey, I'm one of those rats. And I'll have
Speaker 3: you know I crossed the ocean on a very comfortable
Speaker 3: Virgin Atlantic flight the time flew by. So get your
Speaker 3: facts straight. So even the WWE currently has a storyline
Speaker 3: around the immigration debate, and to give them credit, they
Speaker 3: actually had a good discussion about the ambivalence and hypocrisy
Speaker 3: at the heart of our policies.
Speaker 8: Difficult comes out here.
Speaker 9: He freams about how Jack Swagger is the real American
Speaker 9: here from other countries shouldn't come in here, which they
Speaker 9: shouldn't take our Chidio crows for another country.
Speaker 7: Yes, and he's a head.
Speaker 10: A quolitude of other countries.
Speaker 8: He has a problem for people call the other countries
Speaker 8: will come here the.
Speaker 1: Wrong way, the wrong way.
Speaker 9: He's changing his argument today to bring you this guy.
Speaker 1: Antonio Cesarrow. He said it, prey, what.
Speaker 3: Beautiful dream of television is this? Not only was that
Speaker 3: technically more articulate a debate than anything we've heard in Congress,
Speaker 3: but it came with half naked men fighting. It's like
Speaker 3: c Span with elbow drops. Please give me more.
Speaker 8: Was even mad that John Oliver's to John Stewart ex
Speaker 8: comedient thinking over the Daily Show for a couple of months, with.
Speaker 3: What is happening?
Speaker 13: What you're mad at me?
Speaker 16: You're mad at me?
Speaker 3: Oh now this is personal. I know how pro wrestling works.
Speaker 3: You trash talk about me. I've got a trash talk
Speaker 3: right back at you. So come on, said, if that
Speaker 3: is your real faith name, let's do this.
Speaker 1: Let's do this thing.
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, yeah, I am here. I'm here to represent
Speaker 3: for all immigrants. Give me some fireback there. Yes, yes,
Speaker 3: And let me say, if Zeb wants to go after
Speaker 3: immigrant rats, he better be prepared to get to get
Speaker 3: nord one because we got teeth. I may not quite
Speaker 3: have the muscle mass for this. I might need a
Speaker 3: little help, Mick Mix, do you mind helping me?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, yes, oh yes, huh yeh I got this, Okay,
Speaker 6: take it, take it.
Speaker 5: Hey, you got a problem with immigrants, now you've got
Speaker 5: a problem with me.
Speaker 3: Those you've done poke the bear sun.
Speaker 2: Zeb.
Speaker 5: If you don't like immigrants coming here and taking our jobs,
Speaker 5: why don't get you get your ass out of the
Speaker 5: ring and pick vegetables fourteen hours a day for fifty
Speaker 5: cents an How exactly your points?
Speaker 3: Oh hals V would you rather the strawberries and your
Speaker 3: protein shite costs seventy five bucks? Because that's is the
Speaker 3: economic reality of the situation. It's complicated.
Speaker 5: Complicate your point, immigrants to our toughest, dirtiest jobs.
Speaker 8: Do you have what it takes.
Speaker 5: The gall the stones to step into a basic cable
Speaker 5: talk shows host chair.
Speaker 8: If your boss goes away from the summer, I don't
Speaker 8: think you do.
Speaker 1: I don't think you've done it.
Speaker 17: I do it.
Speaker 3: I'll do it.
Speaker 5: Even though John Stewart is a TV icon who's hard
Speaker 5: won legacy, Oliver is pissing away for an audience watching
Speaker 5: head of Nothing but have it. No, that is not no,
Speaker 5: no, no learning for the real John's return and step.
Speaker 3: Let's get back. Let's get back on point. Make let's
Speaker 3: get back on points.
Speaker 1: Let's go.
Speaker 9: Yeah.
Speaker 5: So the next guy who tries to talk smack about
Speaker 5: immigrants is going to have us to deal with exactly you.
Speaker 3: You tell me to speak English, You speak English.
Speaker 2: You do it.
Speaker 5: While immigrants are taking the path the citizenship, you'll be
Speaker 5: crawling down the path.
Speaker 3: To the emergency road.
Speaker 1: Yes, the own.
Speaker 3: You will only need one document. There a prescription for morphine.
Speaker 3: That's a pain, kill another.
Speaker 1: So you come here next week.
Speaker 3: You come here next week. We will take these chas,
Speaker 3: these cold steel chairs, and we will unfold them, unfold them,
Speaker 3: Yes we will, and we will sit down and we
Speaker 3: will discuss the complexities of immigration reform with you.
Speaker 7: We will do this.
Speaker 5: It's such it because immigrants built this country and helped
Speaker 5: weave it into the vibrant tapestry we call the American dreams.
Speaker 3: So if you think you can bully the dreamers. We'll
Speaker 3: make your life a nightmare.
Speaker 5: We will crush you with charts and graphs showing the
Speaker 5: net economic benefit of an inclusive policy that embraces the tired,
Speaker 5: the poor, baudo masses searching.
Speaker 16: Suching to the.
Speaker 7: Birth in a life.
Speaker 3: So if you, Zeph have the gump to debates, will
Speaker 3: be here anytime you come.
Speaker 1: Down here next week.
Speaker 3: And you say it to my face.
Speaker 7: I'm not gonna be here next week.
Speaker 5: I'm producing a documentar ayund Santa Claus.
Speaker 3: That actually sounds interesting, in which case you should come
Speaker 3: back in septemer But joke still in the host I'm
Speaker 3: taking up with hand up points. How about him said.
Speaker 17: The load?
Speaker 2: All right, everybody, that is our show here, it is
Speaker 2: your moment is in officials in India want to set
Speaker 2: the record straight.
Speaker 3: Stuart.
Speaker 11: Hey, Stuart, look, I've heard every single thing that you've
Speaker 11: been saying about me. I hope, my friend, that you
Speaker 11: are prepared for a world of hurt.
Speaker 2: WWE superstar and poster boy for the authority seth rollins.
Speaker 2: How did you interrupt my moment?
Speaker 11: Is that?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 11: Please please, Stuart. You know me better than that. I
Speaker 11: can do anything I want. I am all powerful.
Speaker 2: Settle down, obi wan, you're not all powerful.
Speaker 1: Mind your manners. You know, I've got a little wrestling
Speaker 1: in my.
Speaker 3: Background as well.
Speaker 7: I've all my friend.
Speaker 1: I'll put you in a half nelson.
Speaker 3: Maybe a little giggity gas, little giggity gab as the thing.
Speaker 3: Maybe a little flick black, a little flip black behind me.
Speaker 3: He's right behind me?
Speaker 8: In me?
Speaker 7: Is he right behind me?
Speaker 15: Is he real?
Speaker 11: Real tough talks?
Speaker 7: Stuart?
Speaker 11: Why don't you shut your mouth and bring it?
Speaker 2: Pal Let me just say this, A little beard conditioner
Speaker 2: would go a.
Speaker 11: Long way towards me.
Speaker 7: And let me tell you this rollins.
Speaker 1: I will bring it.
Speaker 17: Although unfortunately I don't have it with me right now,
Speaker 17: so I will perhaps look for it and meet you
Speaker 17: somewhere at a later day like a gentleman.
Speaker 11: Well you know what, Well, it's funny you would mentioned
Speaker 11: that because I actually came here to give you an invitation. Really, yes,
Speaker 11: how about you show up this Monday night, on Monday
Speaker 11: night raw at New York at the Prudentials.
Speaker 17: Now you got the gut, Stewart, I have more.
Speaker 3: Than the God Jesus. I think I just pulled.
Speaker 2: Something when I turned on there, But I do have
Speaker 2: the guts and I, Oh, you're taller than I thought.
Speaker 5: On that on the television, it.
Speaker 2: Looks like he's all right. Well, seth rows everybody. We'll
Speaker 2: be back next week unless I get crushed on the.
Speaker 12: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 12: searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 1: Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven.
Speaker 9: Ten Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime
Speaker 9: on Paramount
Speaker 6: Plus Paramount Podcasts