WEBVTT - Are You Coachable? with Kristen Bell 0:00:00.920 --> 0:00:06.720 Hi everybody. Oh my god, it's it's me Chelsea and Catherine. Hello, Hi, 0:00:06.760 --> 0:00:10.080 how are you? I'm really great, but not as good 0:00:10.119 --> 0:00:13.039 as you. I can see a beautiful snowfall behind you. 0:00:13.760 --> 0:00:17.920 It's lovely there, I know it is pretty lovely. I'm coming. 0:00:18.040 --> 0:00:20.639 I'm coming to my audience from I would like to 0:00:20.640 --> 0:00:23.440 say live, but that doesn't really make any sense. Live 0:00:23.480 --> 0:00:27.320 to tape from Whistler, which is where I've hunkered down 0:00:27.360 --> 0:00:31.680 for the winter. And yes, I'm so oh god, it 0:00:31.800 --> 0:00:34.680 is just heaven and I'm not going to pretend it's not. 0:00:35.200 --> 0:00:38.080 I am skiing every single day, well not every single 0:00:38.159 --> 0:00:39.960 day because Joe Quois with me, so we have to 0:00:39.960 --> 0:00:41.839 take a couple of days off here and there for 0:00:41.960 --> 0:00:44.239 his learning curve, you know what I mean. He had 0:00:44.280 --> 0:00:46.800 an injury, a slight. He had a big wipe out 0:00:46.840 --> 0:00:49.440 on one of the first couple of days, and I 0:00:49.479 --> 0:00:51.080 was like, and he started filming it. I was like, 0:00:51.120 --> 0:00:53.880 put your camera away. The last thing I need is 0:00:53.920 --> 0:00:55.520 for people to think that I dragged you up to 0:00:55.560 --> 0:00:59.360 Whistler and broke something on you. So just shut it down. 0:00:59.760 --> 0:01:01.760 You're gonna be fine in about twenty four hours, And 0:01:01.800 --> 0:01:04.679 sure enough, he was, oh, my gosh, and he just 0:01:04.720 --> 0:01:06.720 took a tumble. Is he okay? I mean it seems 0:01:06.720 --> 0:01:09.119 like it's okay. Well, he does wipe out a lot 0:01:09.319 --> 0:01:11.959 because he's learning. And he thought that he had been 0:01:12.000 --> 0:01:15.319 skiing before, because he skied in I don't know, Vegas, 0:01:15.520 --> 0:01:18.400 Mount Charleston or something. I told him that was probably 0:01:18.400 --> 0:01:21.080 an indoor ski rank at the Circus Circus because no 0:01:21.120 --> 0:01:23.959 one's ever heard of that. But he thought he could hang. 0:01:24.160 --> 0:01:27.440 And I guess he didn't really understand the extreme scare 0:01:28.240 --> 0:01:31.160 that I am. Yeah. I mean looking at your socials, 0:01:31.280 --> 0:01:34.959 it's like it's very rocky. These are not bunny hills 0:01:34.959 --> 0:01:38.480 like this. It's pretty intense. Yeah, it's pretty fun though. 0:01:38.520 --> 0:01:41.320 I mean it's just so beautiful here, like it is 0:01:41.560 --> 0:01:44.560 the views and the mountain is so big. It's just 0:01:44.840 --> 0:01:48.680 my family was here for a week and then they left, 0:01:48.840 --> 0:01:50.840 and then so I and then my sister was here 0:01:51.000 --> 0:01:53.200 lingering for a little bit, and then she left. And 0:01:53.240 --> 0:01:55.720 now Joe and I are just like in domesticated bliss 0:01:56.320 --> 0:02:00.280 in my little ski shelling. It's just heaven. And I 0:02:00.320 --> 0:02:02.680 mean have some that I put in the time and 0:02:02.680 --> 0:02:04.840 effort to become a really good skier that I had 0:02:04.840 --> 0:02:07.520 the luxury to do that because it's so nice to 0:02:07.520 --> 0:02:08.960 get out there and be able to like to be 0:02:09.040 --> 0:02:11.400 capable at something. You know, I don't have a lot 0:02:11.480 --> 0:02:13.920 of hobbies. Yeah, have you skied all your life? Or 0:02:13.960 --> 0:02:16.799 is it sort of a newer thing for you. I've 0:02:16.840 --> 0:02:19.120 skied since I was a little girl, but not seriously 0:02:19.160 --> 0:02:21.120 like you know, the last seven eight years. I think 0:02:21.120 --> 0:02:23.320 since I've been coming to Whistler, I've been pretty serious 0:02:23.360 --> 0:02:25.919 about it. But I talked about this in my stand 0:02:26.000 --> 0:02:29.280 up a lot, like I don't have a ton of bobbies. 0:02:29.400 --> 0:02:33.280 I don't like to cook or clean or you know, 0:02:33.440 --> 0:02:35.800 I like to read, I like to smoke weed, and 0:02:35.840 --> 0:02:38.000 I like to ski, So I have to do all 0:02:38.040 --> 0:02:41.799 three of those things. Really well, yeah, okay, really this? 0:02:41.960 --> 0:02:44.480 Are you like a speed reader or do you just 0:02:44.560 --> 0:02:49.240 happen to read quickly because you would like tear through books? Well, 0:02:49.280 --> 0:02:51.400 if I have an assignment, I take it seriously. You 0:02:51.440 --> 0:02:55.480 know how professional I am? Coft? Yes, I do, actually, yes, 0:02:55.520 --> 0:02:59.239 I do so if I haven't reading assignment, if we 0:02:59.280 --> 0:03:01.360 have a guest coming on the show, I mean, there's 0:03:01.400 --> 0:03:04.919 nothing more annoying than being interviewed by someone who has 0:03:04.960 --> 0:03:09.280 not been familiarized with your work. Yes, well, luckily today 0:03:09.280 --> 0:03:12.360 our guest does not have a book out, so you 0:03:12.400 --> 0:03:15.600 know we'll be all right. But I'm excited about our 0:03:15.639 --> 0:03:20.200 guests today. I love us. So, speaking of skiing, one 0:03:20.240 --> 0:03:22.320 of our listeners had a ski Well, a lot of 0:03:22.360 --> 0:03:24.600 listeners have ski questions for you, but this is one 0:03:24.600 --> 0:03:26.480 that I thought would be really fun to answer on 0:03:26.520 --> 0:03:29.800 the air, She says. Dear Chelsea, I'm a twenty eight 0:03:29.880 --> 0:03:32.120 year old teacher living in Vermont and I learned to 0:03:32.160 --> 0:03:35.240 ski two years ago. I took ski lessons with eight friends, 0:03:35.480 --> 0:03:39.040 four couples that are fellow New England transplants, and the 0:03:39.080 --> 0:03:41.360 only single skier of the crew, which has never been 0:03:41.400 --> 0:03:44.440 a problem until now, as life changes have caused some 0:03:44.560 --> 0:03:48.000 to back out of season passes or opting out many weekends. 0:03:48.280 --> 0:03:51.000 I love skiing, but I'm still learning, so I don't 0:03:51.040 --> 0:03:53.000 love the idea of skiing alone. When I want to 0:03:53.080 --> 0:03:56.520 challenge myself. When I want to ski, I definitely go. 0:03:56.920 --> 0:03:58.800 I don't change my plans when I'm the only one 0:03:58.840 --> 0:04:02.080 going because solo runs are amazing. However, it's starting to 0:04:02.120 --> 0:04:05.320 feel lonely. How would you suggest branching out or meeting 0:04:05.320 --> 0:04:07.560 other people to ski with. Thanks for your help and 0:04:07.680 --> 0:04:11.160 best of luck the ski season. Colleen, Well, I just 0:04:11.240 --> 0:04:13.920 join a ski group. I mean, wherever you live, go 0:04:14.040 --> 0:04:17.240 and join an adult single ski group. They have those everywhere. 0:04:17.640 --> 0:04:20.279 Actually a friend of mine that's how she met her husband, 0:04:20.360 --> 0:04:23.800 like twenty years ago. But yeah, they have ski groups everywhere. 0:04:23.839 --> 0:04:25.640 So that's a great thing to do because then you're 0:04:25.680 --> 0:04:27.679 never alone. And by the way, you shouldn't be skiing 0:04:27.680 --> 0:04:30.000 alone if you want to challenge yourself, Like I don't 0:04:30.000 --> 0:04:31.839 even go on the trees if I'm alone, because I 0:04:31.839 --> 0:04:36.240 know better. Yeah. Well, maybe we'll find Colleen a group 0:04:36.279 --> 0:04:39.240 and a husband or get Yeah, first comes the ski 0:04:39.320 --> 0:04:42.320 group and then comes the husband. Yeah. Yeah, excellent. Well 0:04:42.320 --> 0:04:45.800 that was easy. Yeah, it's a problem solved. Oh. Also, 0:04:46.000 --> 0:04:49.400 I want to mention to everyone that we are rescheduling 0:04:49.400 --> 0:04:53.200 my Vancouver dates. Those were canceled along with Calgary because 0:04:53.200 --> 0:04:56.600 of COVID, and we are rescheduling them and so stay 0:04:56.640 --> 0:04:59.680 tuned for that because they will be rescheduled sooner than later. 0:04:59.720 --> 0:05:02.120 We're at March or April, so I will announce those 0:05:02.120 --> 0:05:04.320 as soon as they become available. Also, we're adding a 0:05:04.360 --> 0:05:07.479 second show at the Wiltern in Los Angeles and We've 0:05:07.480 --> 0:05:11.800 added second shows in Portland's in Seattle. Portland, Oregon is 0:05:11.800 --> 0:05:16.680 coming up the first weekend of February, so I'm doing Eugene, Oregon, 0:05:17.120 --> 0:05:19.760 two shows in Portland, and then two shows in Seattle. 0:05:20.360 --> 0:05:23.120 And we added a show in Winnipeg, and we added 0:05:23.120 --> 0:05:26.200 a show in Toronto. So yeah, check Chelsea Handler dot 0:05:26.279 --> 0:05:28.880 com and yeah, we added a ton of second shows. 0:05:28.880 --> 0:05:32.200 So that's really exciting and I'm looking forward to seeing everybody. 0:05:32.480 --> 0:05:34.320 It'll be a month since I've been on stage, so 0:05:34.360 --> 0:05:38.559 I cannot wait to get back on stage. Awesome. Okay, 0:05:38.560 --> 0:05:41.920 So our special guest today is an actress. She's a philanthropist, 0:05:42.000 --> 0:05:45.480 she's a producer. She is starring in the new Netflix 0:05:45.520 --> 0:05:48.320 show The Woman in the House, which is a satirical thriller. 0:05:48.760 --> 0:05:51.400 She has a baby brand with Dax which is called 0:05:51.440 --> 0:05:54.520 Hello Bellow, and they just opened up their first facility 0:05:54.560 --> 0:05:57.120 in the United States. Everybody, and they make with their 0:05:57.160 --> 0:06:02.200 products with organic materials and they provide diapers to so 0:06:02.360 --> 0:06:05.240 many people in need, to so many people who have 0:06:05.400 --> 0:06:08.560 children and need help with diapers. And she just came 0:06:08.600 --> 0:06:11.480 up with a new hand cream for her CBD line, 0:06:11.720 --> 0:06:13.800 which is called Happy Dance. They have a new hand 0:06:13.800 --> 0:06:18.120 cream available and one percent of the proceeds from Happy 0:06:18.200 --> 0:06:21.080 Dance go to women who are coming out of prison 0:06:21.160 --> 0:06:26.800 and helping them reacclimate into real life again. Hi, Kristen Bell. 0:06:27.440 --> 0:06:31.000 I love Kristen Bell. Don't we all love Kristen. I 0:06:31.040 --> 0:06:33.960 love that review. As you know, I'm codependent and I 0:06:34.000 --> 0:06:36.200 like when people like me, but also I adore you. 0:06:36.360 --> 0:06:38.320 So the fact that I have your stamp of approval, 0:06:38.760 --> 0:06:41.520 it just makes my heart sing. Well, both of our 0:06:41.520 --> 0:06:44.720 hearts are swelling, and my Pikachu quite frankly, this is Katherine, 0:06:44.760 --> 0:06:48.960 my producer, Katherine, Meet Kristen. Hi. You guys probably haven't 0:06:48.960 --> 0:06:52.400 met before, so this is a nice initiation. Kristen, I'm 0:06:52.440 --> 0:06:55.000 so excited to talk to you because I love you. 0:06:55.120 --> 0:06:57.000 I just love the way you carry yourself, and you 0:06:57.000 --> 0:06:59.559 know what, to me, you always come across as somebody 0:06:59.640 --> 0:07:02.120 just who as their ship together. Do you think that's 0:07:02.120 --> 0:07:07.520 a true accurate assessment of yourself. Not in the slightest, Chelsea, 0:07:08.000 --> 0:07:11.360 Not in the slightest. I mean I think I try 0:07:11.720 --> 0:07:15.200 what you're reading. I think is my desperation to have 0:07:15.360 --> 0:07:18.800 my ship together. And also I'm like, not the world's 0:07:18.800 --> 0:07:21.760 best actress, but I'm a decent one, so I appear 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:24.960 as such. But I will say, maybe what you're reading 0:07:25.120 --> 0:07:28.280 is that I am very committed to not to become 0:07:28.280 --> 0:07:31.080 a parenting book for a second, but like a growth mindset, 0:07:31.440 --> 0:07:36.720 I am constantly striving for new information, better data. I'm 0:07:36.760 --> 0:07:38.760 in a learning curve at all times. So I read 0:07:38.800 --> 0:07:40.920 a lot, I talked to a lot of people, and 0:07:40.960 --> 0:07:42.680 I feel like I just I don't want to stay 0:07:42.720 --> 0:07:46.080 stagnant with any of my opinions or viewpoints. So perhaps 0:07:46.200 --> 0:07:48.600 that makes it feel like I have my ship together. 0:07:48.880 --> 0:07:50.960 I don't know. I mean, I guess maybe that's one 0:07:50.960 --> 0:07:53.560 of the things I'm attracted to you about, because I too, 0:07:53.560 --> 0:07:56.360 am always looking to have my opinions changed. I don't 0:07:56.360 --> 0:07:58.559 want to be stuck or set. Because I've been around 0:07:58.560 --> 0:08:01.240 a lot of people who are so strong minded and 0:08:01.320 --> 0:08:04.960 so strong willed that they're in transigent. Their opinions never move, 0:08:05.080 --> 0:08:07.360 and they think that they know the right way with 0:08:07.400 --> 0:08:11.800 regard to parenting, or with regard to the industry, or 0:08:11.800 --> 0:08:16.720 with how to handle tumultuous times and friendships or confrontations. 0:08:17.040 --> 0:08:19.320 And I always find that kind of mindset when you're 0:08:19.320 --> 0:08:23.880 so stuck to be really limiting and actually not that intelligent, 0:08:24.000 --> 0:08:27.400 because anyone who's really smart knows that your opinions and 0:08:27.520 --> 0:08:31.560 viewpoints change. Yeah, and I think it's also the least 0:08:31.600 --> 0:08:36.679 attractive quality is to be stuck in your views, to 0:08:36.920 --> 0:08:41.680 not have the ability to have an open mind, to me, 0:08:42.160 --> 0:08:45.920 is the least attractive quality someone could have. So let 0:08:45.920 --> 0:08:47.600 me ask you a question, because you know, you guys 0:08:47.600 --> 0:08:49.839 are always public. You and Dax are always public about 0:08:49.840 --> 0:08:53.440 your ups and downs in your relationships, your honesty, your therapy, 0:08:53.960 --> 0:08:56.720 all of our bs right exactly, And I would imagine 0:08:56.720 --> 0:08:59.800 being married to Dax is a fucking handful. I would 0:09:00.000 --> 0:09:02.880 definitely think that that is a big That is a 0:09:02.920 --> 0:09:06.960 big personality to juggle, especially when you have children. So 0:09:07.160 --> 0:09:09.360 what are some of the things Why don't I ask 0:09:09.400 --> 0:09:11.480 you this? What is? What do you think some of 0:09:11.520 --> 0:09:16.120 your strengths are in your relationships, in your relationship specifically 0:09:16.160 --> 0:09:18.240 with Dax, and then as a parent, what you've learned 0:09:18.280 --> 0:09:21.800 about yourself and what has impressed you about yourself in 0:09:21.840 --> 0:09:26.280 the parenting mode. Okay, well, with Dax specifically, one of 0:09:26.320 --> 0:09:28.320 the reasons that we work and again, this is a 0:09:28.360 --> 0:09:31.320 compatibility issue that I think is sort of a fundamental 0:09:31.360 --> 0:09:34.760 part of each of our personalities, which is certainly after 0:09:34.800 --> 0:09:37.920 the attraction level. Why we synked up and kept going 0:09:38.559 --> 0:09:42.440 is he has well, he's addicted to everything, but one 0:09:42.480 --> 0:09:45.360 of the things he stays addicted to is a growth mindset. 0:09:45.440 --> 0:09:48.520 He is constantly learning and morphing and adapting, and even 0:09:48.520 --> 0:09:52.240 though he is a really strong personality, you can change 0:09:52.280 --> 0:09:54.280 his mind. He is open to other points of view. 0:09:54.440 --> 0:09:58.120 I am a very flexible person by nature, though slightly 0:09:58.160 --> 0:10:00.880 strong willed. So we work really you well together and 0:10:00.880 --> 0:10:03.880 that we're both striving to learn more and going like, well, 0:10:03.920 --> 0:10:06.280 but what is the best decision for the group. And 0:10:06.280 --> 0:10:11.280 it's sort of like utilitarian outlook on our family. And 0:10:11.880 --> 0:10:14.719 usually he will throw the first ball and say, I 0:10:14.800 --> 0:10:16.840 want to try this, whether it's I want to try 0:10:17.040 --> 0:10:19.520 having dinner five nights a week together with the kids. 0:10:19.520 --> 0:10:21.640 See if that changes are dynamic, Like I'll go great, 0:10:21.640 --> 0:10:23.640 We'll try it. Then we get the data. If it 0:10:23.679 --> 0:10:26.040 doesn't work, then I throw a ball. And so we 0:10:26.200 --> 0:10:30.160 kind of do that in every area of our lives. 0:10:30.840 --> 0:10:34.040 And I will say, like, he's a huge personality and 0:10:34.120 --> 0:10:39.120 he can be a lot, but like at home, he's 0:10:39.160 --> 0:10:43.240 often not. He saves those shades for the outside world. 0:10:43.280 --> 0:10:45.240 Like I'll tell you this, Like he has a temper 0:10:45.280 --> 0:10:48.720 for sure, and it has never shown itself inside the 0:10:48.720 --> 0:10:51.520 walls of this house ever, not to me, not to 0:10:51.600 --> 0:10:56.680 the children. He is like very measured and patient when 0:10:56.800 --> 0:11:00.600 there's any sort of dissent or argument. Now on the street, 0:11:01.320 --> 0:11:03.760 if someone j walks in front of his car, like, 0:11:04.200 --> 0:11:06.120 sh it's gonna hit the fan, you know what I mean, 0:11:06.200 --> 0:11:08.199 Or like your if he sees something out in the 0:11:08.240 --> 0:11:10.480 world where he sees someone getting bully or he feels 0:11:10.480 --> 0:11:14.280 he's been slighted, he may have a temper, but it's 0:11:14.360 --> 0:11:17.520 never at home. So he's quite a committed family man 0:11:18.280 --> 0:11:21.360 under all of those sort of gruff hill billy layers. 0:11:21.880 --> 0:11:23.600 And I just like him a lot. I'm just gonna 0:11:23.600 --> 0:11:27.200 add that I fucking like him as a parent. I 0:11:27.240 --> 0:11:29.680 think the thing that has shocked me the most and 0:11:29.720 --> 0:11:32.600 sort of made me grow the most is after all 0:11:32.679 --> 0:11:35.359 of this information I took in from like the pediatricians 0:11:35.360 --> 0:11:38.199 and other moms and and parenting books because I am 0:11:38.200 --> 0:11:41.960 a person that likes advice. I love getting advice because 0:11:42.520 --> 0:11:45.120 I have enough self esteem to go, oh, but I 0:11:45.160 --> 0:11:48.200 don't have to take it like no one's watching me 0:11:48.240 --> 0:11:51.439 apply it. I want to know how you made your 0:11:51.440 --> 0:11:54.360 marriage work. I want to know how you did better auditions. 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:56.760 I want to know how you parented your kids and 0:11:56.800 --> 0:11:58.520 got them to sleep better, like, and then I can 0:11:58.640 --> 0:12:01.880 choose what to you us. So beyond all of that 0:12:02.040 --> 0:12:04.680 taking in all the data, when I really try to, 0:12:05.320 --> 0:12:08.360 in like a Buddhist place, almost look at my kids 0:12:08.520 --> 0:12:12.600 as like little autonomous human beings that are experiencing life 0:12:12.640 --> 0:12:15.640 for the first time. It really screws my head on 0:12:15.720 --> 0:12:18.240 straight when I have to deal with them, because like 0:12:18.320 --> 0:12:20.800 the pace of life can make you treat them poorly, 0:12:20.840 --> 0:12:22.319 and then you're laying in bed going like funk, I 0:12:22.320 --> 0:12:24.680 shouldn't have yelled at them, or I shouldn't have rushed everyone. 0:12:24.760 --> 0:12:27.120 I made one of them cry. But then you've got 0:12:27.120 --> 0:12:30.120 to realize, I'm a six year old. She's never been 0:12:30.160 --> 0:12:33.320 six before, so first time she's ever been six years old. 0:12:33.559 --> 0:12:36.280 It's really hard to be six, you know. I think 0:12:36.320 --> 0:12:38.640 that framework of like this is the first time they're 0:12:38.679 --> 0:12:41.680 experiencing earth not only helps me deal with them, but 0:12:41.760 --> 0:12:44.400 helps me cut myself a lot more slack because then 0:12:44.400 --> 0:12:47.800 I put that framework on me. Right. So going back 0:12:47.840 --> 0:12:49.360 to what you were saying, like, okay, you say you're 0:12:49.360 --> 0:12:51.400 going to try something like having dinner five nights a 0:12:51.400 --> 0:12:54.400 week and seeing where that leads to have you guys 0:12:54.440 --> 0:12:57.000 done that stuff? Like how do how does that work 0:12:57.000 --> 0:12:59.400 out in your family dynamic and how does it change 0:12:59.440 --> 0:13:02.160 the family dynamic? We've put it on the books, chilse, 0:13:02.200 --> 0:13:04.320 but we've never gotten there. We've never what is your 0:13:04.400 --> 0:13:07.280 natural habit? Like depending on who's working and whatever, whose 0:13:07.320 --> 0:13:09.520 home has dinner with the kids? Is that how it works. 0:13:09.960 --> 0:13:13.480 What's weird is that neither of us actually have schedules 0:13:13.520 --> 0:13:16.280 that often that take us away around dinner time. Even 0:13:16.360 --> 0:13:18.719 we could start work at four in the morning, but 0:13:18.800 --> 0:13:21.640 we're both usually home by six or seven. And he's 0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:25.000 home so often now because he works out of the attict. 0:13:25.000 --> 0:13:27.720 But we attempt to connect in the evening. But it's 0:13:27.720 --> 0:13:30.800 more of a free for all type circus here. It's 0:13:30.840 --> 0:13:33.280 like you eat when you're hungry. We mostly just snacked 0:13:33.360 --> 0:13:36.240 during dinner. Maybe you know three times a month we'll 0:13:36.240 --> 0:13:40.240 sit down for dinner. But in my head people have said, oh, 0:13:40.320 --> 0:13:43.520 connecting it a family dinner, like that's when you hear 0:13:43.559 --> 0:13:46.160 about their day and all these different things. It doesn't work. 0:13:46.200 --> 0:13:49.000 For us. And at some point, you know, when we 0:13:49.040 --> 0:13:50.760 tried it and we got three days in and then 0:13:50.760 --> 0:13:52.760 everybody wanted to get up and run around with the 0:13:52.760 --> 0:13:56.719 dogs are outside. We were like, why stress ourselves out 0:13:56.760 --> 0:14:00.360 to fit inside someone else's box or idea of what 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:03.840 will connect us. Let's go based on our own instincts. 0:14:03.840 --> 0:14:05.920 So the things that connect us as a family, I know, 0:14:06.080 --> 0:14:08.559 actually laying in bed with the kids at night, when 0:14:08.559 --> 0:14:11.079 we're talking them in we do which I believe is 0:14:11.120 --> 0:14:14.560 like a Jewish tradition talking about your rosebud and thorn 0:14:14.800 --> 0:14:17.000 of the day. Do you know this one? Yeah, you're 0:14:17.080 --> 0:14:19.200 high and low. Yeah, your best part about your day 0:14:19.280 --> 0:14:22.200 is your rose. Your thorn is if you're little, it's 0:14:22.200 --> 0:14:25.400 your bad part. If you're above six years old, it 0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:27.680 should be what could you have improved upon your thorn? 0:14:27.720 --> 0:14:29.520 Like where did you have bad behavior that you wouldn't 0:14:29.560 --> 0:14:32.400 emulate the next day? And then your bud is what 0:14:32.400 --> 0:14:35.520 you're looking forward to. And somehow that always leads to 0:14:35.800 --> 0:14:39.480 much more in depth connection in our family. And the 0:14:39.520 --> 0:14:43.240 second thing is we always tell our children the why. 0:14:43.600 --> 0:14:46.680 We always give them more of an explanation as opposed 0:14:46.720 --> 0:14:49.320 to because I said so, Like, for instance, when they 0:14:49.360 --> 0:14:51.840 were coming home from like preschool four years old, when 0:14:51.880 --> 0:14:54.040 they were able to talk but didn't really want to 0:14:54.080 --> 0:14:55.720 talk to us about a ton of things. You say 0:14:55.760 --> 0:14:58.080 to your kid, how was your day, and they say 0:14:58.120 --> 0:15:00.720 fine and walk away and act grab the girls. One 0:15:00.760 --> 0:15:02.880 day and he goes, hey, I just want you to 0:15:02.960 --> 0:15:06.840 know when I say how was your day, I'm not 0:15:06.880 --> 0:15:09.880 necessarily looking for details. What I'm looking for is to 0:15:09.960 --> 0:15:11.960 connect with you, because I haven't seen you for the 0:15:12.040 --> 0:15:14.680 last nine hours and I want to just look at 0:15:14.720 --> 0:15:17.720 your face and hear your voice and whatever details you 0:15:17.760 --> 0:15:19.560 want to tell me, even if it's a make belief 0:15:19.640 --> 0:15:22.560 story about your day. The reason I ask you how 0:15:22.680 --> 0:15:25.000 was your day? Is because I really want to connect 0:15:25.040 --> 0:15:29.040 and plug back into you. And they got it. They 0:15:29.040 --> 0:15:32.360 were like, oh, so now I'm not under this pressure 0:15:33.040 --> 0:15:35.240 to tell my parents about my day, which we all 0:15:35.240 --> 0:15:38.640 know is annoying. But now I realize why my dad 0:15:38.720 --> 0:15:41.000 is doing it, and now they do tell us about 0:15:41.040 --> 0:15:44.000 their day. And where did he learn that in therapy? 0:15:44.160 --> 0:15:45.760 I don't know. I think he makes a lot of 0:15:45.760 --> 0:15:48.840 this stuff up. Yeah, he's very very weirdly in touch 0:15:48.880 --> 0:15:51.120 with himself. I mean not weirdly. It's a great quality 0:15:51.120 --> 0:15:52.880 and a man you know, I mean you you've talked 0:15:52.880 --> 0:15:54.680 about this how he's so alpha, but at the same 0:15:54.680 --> 0:15:57.640 time he's so sensitive and man having that in quality. 0:15:57.680 --> 0:15:59.480 You know, I'm with someone now who's like that, and 0:15:59.520 --> 0:16:02.480 it's really endearing. It just makes you realize, like, oh god, 0:16:02.480 --> 0:16:04.360 I wish all men could be a little bit softer 0:16:04.480 --> 0:16:06.440 and a little bit more sensitive because it's so much 0:16:06.480 --> 0:16:10.080 fucking hotter than the alternative. Oh my god, it's crazy 0:16:10.120 --> 0:16:12.760 because he is all of the things. At a ten, 0:16:13.760 --> 0:16:15.680 he's like the most he could be the most aggro 0:16:15.800 --> 0:16:18.080 at a tend, but he's also the most sensitive at ten, 0:16:18.240 --> 0:16:20.000 and he's the most patient a the ten. It's like, 0:16:20.080 --> 0:16:22.400 I just got a man who is a lot. And 0:16:22.440 --> 0:16:25.280 the good thing is I like a lot. I'm a 0:16:25.280 --> 0:16:28.360 big personality. I gravitate towards a lot. So that's why 0:16:28.400 --> 0:16:31.760 it works. One of the other great tips he gave me. 0:16:32.560 --> 0:16:35.200 He gives me all these tips. He loves giving me advice. 0:16:35.600 --> 0:16:38.600 He but now sometimes in our in our pod, like 0:16:38.640 --> 0:16:41.040 in our friend group now, because so many people do 0:16:41.080 --> 0:16:42.640 a lot of advice, we have to ask each other, 0:16:42.680 --> 0:16:47.240 are you coachable? Because somebody's be like I'm not I'm 0:16:47.280 --> 0:16:49.640 not coachable right now. Um. But one of the other 0:16:49.680 --> 0:16:52.080 things he said around the time, like our kids were 0:16:52.240 --> 0:16:55.080 I don't know, maybe one in three, he said. And 0:16:55.160 --> 0:16:58.000 I think he was drawing upon his childhood here. He said, 0:16:58.040 --> 0:17:00.920 you know, I feel like kids witnessed arguments a lot, 0:17:01.480 --> 0:17:06.920 and they very rarely ever witness the makeup portion the 0:17:07.240 --> 0:17:10.960 conflict resolution. So he said, even when we come home, 0:17:11.000 --> 0:17:13.080 if we ever have tension or an argument, because you know, 0:17:13.119 --> 0:17:14.879 they can feel it, they're they're way smarter than you 0:17:14.880 --> 0:17:17.880 give them credit for. Even if we solve it once 0:17:17.920 --> 0:17:19.680 we go to bed, let's make sure that the next 0:17:19.760 --> 0:17:23.159 day we identify it and play the role of apology 0:17:23.320 --> 0:17:25.120 or like, hey, you know what, Daddy, I was really 0:17:25.160 --> 0:17:26.879 grumpy when I came home from work. I'm sorry I 0:17:26.880 --> 0:17:29.800 snapped at you. He'll go, oh, that's okay, mommy, etcetera, etcetera. 0:17:30.080 --> 0:17:32.560 Just so the kids can have an idea of conflict resolution, 0:17:32.640 --> 0:17:35.280 because something that I never realized is like, yeah, that 0:17:35.320 --> 0:17:39.320 happens all the time. Kids see arguments everywhere, but making 0:17:39.400 --> 0:17:42.360 up and resolution is usually done in private. So how 0:17:42.400 --> 0:17:44.040 on earth are we supposed to give these kids the 0:17:44.040 --> 0:17:47.120 conflict resolution skills if we never show it to them well. 0:17:47.160 --> 0:17:49.439 And also a lot of people make up in private 0:17:49.480 --> 0:17:53.399 because it's sexually related, Like makeup is sex, whereas you 0:17:53.400 --> 0:17:55.760 know that is a that's a very cyclical thing that 0:17:55.800 --> 0:17:57.720 a lot of couples get into where they fight and 0:17:57.720 --> 0:17:59.919 then their makeup is sex, and it's almost like you 0:18:00.040 --> 0:18:02.080 set up the fight in order to have the makeup sex. 0:18:02.320 --> 0:18:05.240 So and that's completely dysfunctional too on its own, merit. 0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:07.520 That's why we always have sex in front of them. 0:18:07.640 --> 0:18:09.200 That's what I was going to suggest. I mean, that 0:18:09.320 --> 0:18:10.720 just seems like the right thing to do, and it's 0:18:10.760 --> 0:18:13.959 more family style. Anyway. What about your upbringing? I know 0:18:14.000 --> 0:18:15.719 you've talked a little bit about it, but did you 0:18:15.840 --> 0:18:18.160 feel do you feel like you took a lot from 0:18:18.160 --> 0:18:21.280 what your parents modeled for you or what you learned 0:18:21.320 --> 0:18:24.640 in your household because you had older siblings, right? I did. 0:18:24.680 --> 0:18:27.320 I had two older sisters, right, and so you were 0:18:27.320 --> 0:18:30.800 the youngest of three. Yeah, So what's weird is like 0:18:31.359 --> 0:18:33.480 I want to have a great answer for you on this, 0:18:33.920 --> 0:18:38.479 my memory is such that it doesn't exist, Like I 0:18:38.520 --> 0:18:41.200 try to struggle with. I hear people saying, oh, when 0:18:41.200 --> 0:18:42.800 I was six years old, I went on the spike 0:18:42.840 --> 0:18:45.159 gride with my brother and we you know, caught a 0:18:45.160 --> 0:18:47.960 snake or whatever their memory is about their childhood. I 0:18:48.040 --> 0:18:52.280 literally don't have that, Like I struggle so often. Sometimes 0:18:52.280 --> 0:18:55.159 when I look at pictures, I can remember details, but 0:18:55.280 --> 0:18:58.840 I'm more of like a synthesizer, Like I remember feelings 0:18:58.920 --> 0:19:02.280 about people, but I don't have specific memories. But I 0:19:02.320 --> 0:19:05.520 do think what I digested from my dad was definitely 0:19:05.800 --> 0:19:10.560 hard work and subtlety. But that's kind of a shocker 0:19:10.600 --> 0:19:13.159 coming out of my mouth. But my dad is a 0:19:13.240 --> 0:19:15.200 very hard worker. But when he comes home, he's sort 0:19:15.240 --> 0:19:17.399 of just you feel like he's a wallflower, but he's not. 0:19:17.480 --> 0:19:20.160 He's very present, but he's like quiet and very sort 0:19:20.200 --> 0:19:23.480 of official unless he's had chardonnay and then he gets giggly. 0:19:23.560 --> 0:19:25.919 But with the girls, he was always just sort of 0:19:25.960 --> 0:19:28.720 like this stability. I guess that is what I mean, 0:19:28.760 --> 0:19:32.520 like subtle stability. And he was very committed to his 0:19:32.640 --> 0:19:34.359 job and he ran it like a family. He's a 0:19:34.359 --> 0:19:38.320 news director. And from my mom, I think she's she's 0:19:38.440 --> 0:19:42.159 very zany and she was always committed to paying it 0:19:42.240 --> 0:19:44.760 forward and helping people. And I think I got this. 0:19:44.920 --> 0:19:47.800 I do think I synthesized this melting pot of those things, 0:19:47.840 --> 0:19:49.800 because I would say the things I value the most 0:19:49.840 --> 0:19:53.399 are like being good to people, helping and being a 0:19:53.400 --> 0:19:56.399 hard worker and attempting to be as consistent and stable 0:19:56.440 --> 0:19:59.119