WEBVTT - Legend Stephon Morris on the Cigna Work/Life Resources for Legends 0:00:04.040 --> 0:00:08.240 Welcome to the NFL Players Podcast. I'm as Williams. I'm 0:00:08.320 --> 0:00:13.239 joined today by Stephon Marvis. I'm excited because can you 0:00:13.360 --> 0:00:17.160 say signa with me? Not only the resources that are 0:00:17.160 --> 0:00:22.160 available to legends and current players Drew Signer, but also 0:00:22.280 --> 0:00:29.480 the story of the disappointed expectations, guiney, counseling, coming into manhood. 0:00:30.320 --> 0:00:35.120 All of those things have covered with Stefan's story. Let's 0:00:35.200 --> 0:00:37.720 listen in Well, I just want to tell you step 0:00:37.840 --> 0:00:42.760 On that you've made me feel a lot more wiser 0:00:42.840 --> 0:00:46.120 when you told me that your dad came to these 0:00:46.120 --> 0:00:50.080 Southern University on a recruiting trip and I hosted him 0:00:50.080 --> 0:00:54.640 while playing the Southern man. I feel like I have 0:00:54.760 --> 0:00:59.440 to I'm not older, I'm wiser. How about that, he 0:00:59.800 --> 0:01:02.840 said him in this story at least twice a year. 0:01:03.680 --> 0:01:05.640 So when I told him that you was gonna be 0:01:05.680 --> 0:01:11.080 hosting the podcast, like, he was just so overjoyed. Tell 0:01:11.160 --> 0:01:13.040 them telling the story, telling a story that that I 0:01:13.120 --> 0:01:14.880 met him, any hosted me, see if you remember, So 0:01:15.840 --> 0:01:19.000 take me through your interfol experience from leaving Penn State 0:01:19.600 --> 0:01:25.399 and the recent that you had uh International Football League. Yeah, 0:01:25.400 --> 0:01:28.959 so absolutely prod and Penn State talked to of course 0:01:29.840 --> 0:01:32.920 a good amount of teams that led to the waiting 0:01:32.959 --> 0:01:37.560 period of being drafted or not drafted, talking to actually 0:01:38.120 --> 0:01:41.640 three teams including New England doing a draft that I 0:01:41.680 --> 0:01:44.240 thought I was gonna be picked up at me and 0:01:44.360 --> 0:01:48.919 round picks. Well later that didn't come about. Uh. Spoke 0:01:49.000 --> 0:01:51.280 with of course my agent and trying to identify was 0:01:51.320 --> 0:01:54.160 the best possible place where I can make the team 0:01:54.680 --> 0:01:57.960 with that being New Wingland and him knowing Bill having 0:01:58.000 --> 0:02:01.920 a good relationship with Mr belichat UH, we end up 0:02:01.920 --> 0:02:04.600 deciding to go to New England. So, I want to 0:02:04.640 --> 0:02:08.120 say maybe three four days later, I ended up flying 0:02:08.120 --> 0:02:13.040 out to to Foxborough. We had rookie minicamp, did pretty well. 0:02:13.960 --> 0:02:16.400 Next thing, you know was regular mini camp and O 0:02:16.560 --> 0:02:18.639 t A. So I got to learn behind the key 0:02:18.720 --> 0:02:22.680 to leave at the time Rosalie Darling Uh, that was 0:02:22.720 --> 0:02:26.680 in my dB room as well as Devin reporting cool. 0:02:26.960 --> 0:02:29.720 Absolutely just love and try to pick his brain every 0:02:29.800 --> 0:02:32.919 every day being around Tom graded even though a short 0:02:32.919 --> 0:02:35.600 period of time. What what did you see? What are 0:02:35.639 --> 0:02:40.320 some trades you saw the Tom that you know goes 0:02:40.400 --> 0:02:43.639 into why he's had such a career that he's had. 0:02:44.840 --> 0:02:50.080 Tom is a pro in all aspects, the way he trained, 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:53.560 the way he prepares like Tom is just a pro. 0:02:53.720 --> 0:02:56.160 I saw that first hand. I remember my first time 0:02:56.240 --> 0:02:59.200 coming to New England, like he was, as I mentioned 0:02:59.240 --> 0:03:01.400 already in the Wait for But he was just he 0:03:01.480 --> 0:03:05.079 was just prepared. He's prepared, and he's he can adapt 0:03:05.080 --> 0:03:09.960 to Belichick likes to change things on the fly and practice. 0:03:10.440 --> 0:03:12.680 So we could be in team meetings talk about how 0:03:12.760 --> 0:03:15.040 we going, you know, stop this or how are we 0:03:15.120 --> 0:03:18.959 going to disguise this concept and three minutes say that 0:03:19.080 --> 0:03:22.120 we get the team practice and maybe Thomas killing us boom, 0:03:23.000 --> 0:03:25.280 Let's try a different way. But Tom is able to 0:03:25.320 --> 0:03:28.560 adapt and prepare for anything. So I was very confident 0:03:28.680 --> 0:03:33.560 going into training camp. I already knew what to expect. 0:03:34.320 --> 0:03:38.720 I was sort of adapting to the Patreon way and 0:03:39.280 --> 0:03:42.760 end up having a really good early party. Camp messed 0:03:42.840 --> 0:03:45.640 up my hands in the first time I got healthy. 0:03:46.000 --> 0:03:49.800 My very first game, it was against the Giants. It 0:03:49.880 --> 0:03:53.720 was a play Outland did maybe two million times covering 0:03:53.760 --> 0:03:57.600 the point punishing ship. I gotta cut back under the 0:03:57.680 --> 0:04:03.000 devil team told my hamster, and I just knew it's 0:04:03.000 --> 0:04:05.520 weird because I knew it was over for me. Like 0:04:05.640 --> 0:04:09.240 I knew. It was a picture that my dad sent 0:04:09.360 --> 0:04:13.520 me three weeks ago. He sent me physic three weeks ago, 0:04:13.960 --> 0:04:16.040 and it was on NFL network and he just took 0:04:16.080 --> 0:04:19.200 a picture of that play and me on the sideline 0:04:19.200 --> 0:04:21.480 when they showed it. But you can just see it 0:04:21.600 --> 0:04:25.440 in my face that I knew like that was my 0:04:25.520 --> 0:04:29.760 last plan. So I still I still kept hoping. Of 0:04:29.800 --> 0:04:31.560 course I had to get healthy. That's sick some time 0:04:32.120 --> 0:04:35.280 that played apart mentally and physically. I just couldn't never 0:04:35.440 --> 0:04:39.480 get over the physical barrow. I think it was more 0:04:39.520 --> 0:04:41.600 so just it was mental. Did you know I go 0:04:41.720 --> 0:04:45.080 an attempt to play in the cfilm When did you 0:04:45.200 --> 0:04:49.239 decided to call in your career? Yep. So I originally 0:04:49.279 --> 0:04:51.480 didn't want to go to the CFL. I fought my 0:04:51.600 --> 0:04:54.560 agent on this. I still find my agent on this. 0:04:55.920 --> 0:04:58.360 Every time we talked. We got a good relationship. I 0:04:58.520 --> 0:05:04.200 just thought that I was an NFL player. So coming 0:05:04.279 --> 0:05:08.760 from the NFL and ben in you know, NFL locker 0:05:08.839 --> 0:05:13.960 room and performing in practice, you know that you should 0:05:14.000 --> 0:05:16.320 be there. I just felt like the CFL was was 0:05:16.440 --> 0:05:19.920 kind of beneath me. So my preparation going to the 0:05:20.000 --> 0:05:22.560 NFL wasn't the same as my preparation going to the CFL. 0:05:23.240 --> 0:05:25.200 I knew it was over because I asked him to 0:05:25.240 --> 0:05:28.080 release me. I just don't want to pay foot. I 0:05:28.120 --> 0:05:31.080 didn't want want them be in a CFIL and that 0:05:31.240 --> 0:05:33.360 was just a part of I wasn't the man yet. 0:05:34.520 --> 0:05:38.320 I felt entitled. Going from D one, a big time 0:05:38.400 --> 0:05:41.360 D one school, to New England to the CFL, I 0:05:41.400 --> 0:05:44.520 caught entitled, so I asked them to release me. How 0:05:44.600 --> 0:05:46.600 did you come to terms with the fact that your 0:05:46.720 --> 0:05:50.400 NFL experience was not going to meet your own expectations. 0:05:53.480 --> 0:05:56.600 It took me a while, so growing up, you know 0:05:57.640 --> 0:05:59.680 that was my way out of football. Ass As you 0:05:59.760 --> 0:06:03.040 may playing this game from six years old, you have dreams. 0:06:03.080 --> 0:06:04.800 As for Rachels, my favorite player at that point of 0:06:04.839 --> 0:06:06.880 time was Emma Smith. I wanted to have a career 0:06:06.960 --> 0:06:10.600 like Emma Smith, but I also watch guys like you 0:06:10.839 --> 0:06:13.960 and he is both Wishon's broad and Broad and Charles 0:06:14.000 --> 0:06:17.080 Wudson Dion of course, so I wanted to emulate my 0:06:17.160 --> 0:06:19.720 game after you guys, and also achieved the amount of 0:06:19.760 --> 0:06:22.720 success that you guys have put in as well. Thank you. 0:06:23.160 --> 0:06:26.640 Little did I know that you know that thirteen year 0:06:26.760 --> 0:06:30.040 career that I dreamed of, and me being financial stable 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:33.240 and being able to provide and do everything I didn't 0:06:33.320 --> 0:06:36.000 dreamed of at the early age that it would end 0:06:36.080 --> 0:06:39.240 in six months, So me coming to terms with it, 0:06:39.640 --> 0:06:44.560 I didn't come to terms until I became a man. 0:06:46.040 --> 0:06:50.000 Even though I was already twenty three years old during 0:06:50.040 --> 0:06:53.120 that time my career, I still wasn't a man yet. 0:06:53.760 --> 0:06:56.720 I was still I still identified myself as a football player, 0:06:57.080 --> 0:07:00.000 step the football player. I wasn't stuff on, but I didn't. 0:07:00.120 --> 0:07:03.559 I didn't come to terms until I seek help, until 0:07:03.600 --> 0:07:07.800 I went through, you know, the obstacles of being a 0:07:07.920 --> 0:07:11.760 dark zone and danger zone. So it it took me 0:07:13.080 --> 0:07:17.040 almost three years after me being released, three years after 0:07:17.160 --> 0:07:19.960 my first NFL game, to come to terms with the 0:07:20.040 --> 0:07:23.160 fact that hey, this is this is real, like this 0:07:23.280 --> 0:07:25.720 is this is what it is. So it took some time. 0:07:26.880 --> 0:07:30.520 Now you said something, you said when you became a man? 0:07:31.800 --> 0:07:36.600 What what do you mean? So when you for me, 0:07:37.240 --> 0:07:40.880 I thought I knew everything. Not that I couldn't be 0:07:41.000 --> 0:07:43.360 coach or or taught, that's not the case at all, 0:07:44.000 --> 0:07:48.440 but having the literally the world on your shoulders, trying 0:07:48.480 --> 0:07:51.880 to make it for everyone else, trying to be able 0:07:52.040 --> 0:07:56.400 in a position to financially, um being a position to 0:07:56.480 --> 0:07:59.520 financially make everyone else happy, make sure they don't have 0:07:59.600 --> 0:08:04.920 to work. It was a lot mentally, and of course 0:08:05.040 --> 0:08:07.760 that mental aspect played a part of my my physical 0:08:08.200 --> 0:08:12.560 traits of me being injured. So what I mean by 0:08:12.640 --> 0:08:17.400 being a man is I was depressed. I went through 0:08:17.520 --> 0:08:20.640 suicidal thoughts. I was depressed for almost almost two years. 0:08:20.760 --> 0:08:24.080 I went through suicidal thoughts for six months, and every 0:08:24.200 --> 0:08:27.160 day during those six months I thought about a different 0:08:27.200 --> 0:08:32.240 way of trying to kill myself. Right, So doing them 0:08:32.320 --> 0:08:36.680 doing those six months to thought process is who's gonna 0:08:36.800 --> 0:08:38.960 temp my frienal? These are things that's coming to my head? 0:08:39.240 --> 0:08:41.480 Who's gonna be at my criner room? Are they gonna 0:08:41.559 --> 0:08:45.000 miss me? Am I going to have a big funeral? 0:08:45.480 --> 0:08:49.720 Like just those type of thoughts, deep thoughts. So month 0:08:49.840 --> 0:08:53.120 I was able to say it again, were you alone 0:08:53.600 --> 0:08:57.719 than anybody? Did you ever want? I wasn't alone. I 0:08:57.920 --> 0:09:00.360 was alone. When I wasn't alone, I didn't see to help. 0:09:00.840 --> 0:09:04.320 I had help. I have my dad, who that's my everything. 0:09:04.400 --> 0:09:08.559 He doesn't raised me since I was the infant, So 0:09:08.720 --> 0:09:10.520 I had help, but I didn't know how to seek it. 0:09:11.160 --> 0:09:15.280 So At that point in time, mental health wasn't I 0:09:15.320 --> 0:09:17.680 wouldn't say it wasn't as big. A lot of people 0:09:17.720 --> 0:09:19.840 didn't come out about it like the guys do now 0:09:19.880 --> 0:09:22.080 in the Kevin Loves of the world. It wasn't being 0:09:22.120 --> 0:09:26.679 spoken about. So my dad, actually he's the He's one 0:09:26.720 --> 0:09:30.120 of the reasons for me seeking help. He's one of 0:09:30.120 --> 0:09:32.680 the reasons. Yeah. So I remember we had this program 0:09:32.840 --> 0:09:35.960 with the NFL Players Engagement. This is right after maybe 0:09:36.000 --> 0:09:37.880 six months after I got released from the wind Man 0:09:38.400 --> 0:09:40.800 and we're going on this trip, right we're head of 0:09:40.840 --> 0:09:43.319 the Claytland. I remember this day. So I'm not so 0:09:43.640 --> 0:09:45.480 what I said or what I did, but my dad 0:09:45.600 --> 0:09:50.480 was with me and he said, you're okay, like you 0:09:50.800 --> 0:09:54.640 know what I mean, schedule a counselor. At that point 0:09:54.679 --> 0:09:57.839 of time, I'm like, I'm good, Like I'm fine. I 0:09:57.920 --> 0:10:00.040 don't need it. I don't need a shrink. That's a 0:10:00.080 --> 0:10:01.800 week bick. That's what weak people. That's what I said. 0:10:02.320 --> 0:10:04.040 That was my thought process at that point in time. 0:10:04.760 --> 0:10:08.959 I'm strong, I guess, you know. I felt like you know, 0:10:09.120 --> 0:10:12.720 men wasn't supposed to cry. They had to handle their 0:10:12.760 --> 0:10:14.920 own issues. They didn't seek anything. I felt like that 0:10:15.040 --> 0:10:17.520 wasn't being a part of a man. So I ended 0:10:17.600 --> 0:10:21.559 up seeking help through Troy Benstin. Troy Benstin and my 0:10:21.720 --> 0:10:25.120 dad are really tight. They talked almost every day. He 0:10:25.320 --> 0:10:28.760 just saw me just transpired, going in a direction that 0:10:28.880 --> 0:10:31.959 I wasn't that wasn't needed, and that direction was I 0:10:32.120 --> 0:10:36.079 was lashing out, not physically, but more so emotionally. It 0:10:36.240 --> 0:10:39.719 was times where I could be sleep and I was 0:10:39.800 --> 0:10:42.760 like wake up, just swinging like I was really in 0:10:42.920 --> 0:10:46.280 just like a dark place. Around that time too, my 0:10:46.679 --> 0:10:49.520 birth momstar started coming around. I haven't seen her, I 0:10:49.559 --> 0:10:52.880 haven't talked to her, and now she just now coming around. 0:10:53.480 --> 0:10:55.400 So I was just lashing out as so many things. 0:10:55.440 --> 0:10:57.640 I didn't know how to cope. I grew up. I 0:10:57.760 --> 0:11:00.520 came up on the time where social media medea was 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:07.080 just now starting to be be huge, right to Twitter, Instagram, 0:11:07.760 --> 0:11:11.160 and people don't know like the current players, the players 0:11:11.320 --> 0:11:14.360 that recently transition off the game. We look at, you know, 0:11:14.520 --> 0:11:16.720 how many lights we have when we're playing versus how 0:11:16.760 --> 0:11:18.760 many lights we have when we don't when we're not playing, 0:11:19.640 --> 0:11:23.439 Like you can see those signs where they paid go 0:11:23.679 --> 0:11:27.559 from being open to now become a private social media 0:11:27.679 --> 0:11:31.439 for me, that was I was doing things where I 0:11:31.559 --> 0:11:34.160 knew I was done, but I'm still posting a little 0:11:34.240 --> 0:11:36.920 videos like I'm working out just to get the love 0:11:37.000 --> 0:11:39.319 from those fans, to get people that I haven't even met, 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:42.240 just to get that approval. So social media played a 0:11:42.360 --> 0:11:46.920 huge part for me as far as just my my depression. 0:11:47.440 --> 0:11:50.160 I was able to seek help through Troy. Troy got 0:11:50.200 --> 0:11:52.640 me in place with my account manager. Now as sting 0:11:52.679 --> 0:11:56.000 that her name is Balie Featherston. I've probably don't remember 0:11:56.040 --> 0:11:59.079 this conversation, but we met a Georgia attack. I was 0:11:59.160 --> 0:12:03.079 on the camp where, uh my football academy Prime example, 0:12:03.400 --> 0:12:05.760 took a few kids to Georgia Tech for a camp. 0:12:06.320 --> 0:12:08.760 So I end up meeting Valerie through Troy introduced me 0:12:08.840 --> 0:12:11.120 men her talk for about a good hour and a 0:12:11.160 --> 0:12:13.959 half about everything, where I come from, what I want 0:12:14.000 --> 0:12:16.760 to do, what happened with my injury, how was Bill 0:12:16.840 --> 0:12:20.600 better check like everything. I'm not sure how she kind 0:12:20.640 --> 0:12:24.199 of felt it, but she asked me, how how was 0:12:24.280 --> 0:12:27.120 that doing mentally right? And now you know, I told 0:12:27.160 --> 0:12:29.240 her because I wasn't seeking I wasn't seeking help at 0:12:29.280 --> 0:12:32.400 that point in time. Yeah, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm 0:12:32.480 --> 0:12:34.839 I'm fine. I'm good, you know, because at that point 0:12:34.880 --> 0:12:39.240 in time, I'm thinking me seeing a counselor or especially 0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:41.960 in that field that's just being looked at us a week. 0:12:42.120 --> 0:12:45.360 I'm not a weak person. So she said, well, just 0:12:45.480 --> 0:12:47.760 in case you do need it, here's my number, give me, 0:12:48.000 --> 0:12:50.160 give me a call, and I'm gonna give you the 0:12:50.240 --> 0:12:52.520 number to the NFL player a counciling in the system. 0:12:53.000 --> 0:12:56.680 So ended up leaving Georgia Tech. I want to say 0:12:56.840 --> 0:12:59.240 that was a Sunday. That Monday, I end up calling 0:13:00.000 --> 0:13:03.880 a dedicated number yet set up. I was situated, and 0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:07.920 that was my my first time seeking help. You've been 0:13:07.960 --> 0:13:10.920 a man, simply man, you hope with yourself and got 0:13:10.960 --> 0:13:13.640 to help you you needed. Is that how you're described 0:13:13.880 --> 0:13:16.720 being a name? I would definitely say so. I would 0:13:16.720 --> 0:13:21.080 say it improved my communications. I was able to talk 0:13:21.120 --> 0:13:24.200 to my birth mom. I wasn't lashing out as much. 0:13:24.720 --> 0:13:28.160 My interpersonal skills got a little bit better. I had 0:13:28.400 --> 0:13:31.240 the awareness of, you know, just greater self acceptance and 0:13:31.280 --> 0:13:35.560 self esteem, better expression and management of just my emotions 0:13:35.600 --> 0:13:39.079 in general. All right, So I wouldn't say I was 0:13:39.200 --> 0:13:45.240 relieved right away from my depressions and my suicidal thoughts. 0:13:45.520 --> 0:13:48.640 Of course it took some time, but me just seeking 0:13:48.760 --> 0:13:52.839 help or you know, constantly visiting my council at that 0:13:52.960 --> 0:13:57.120 point in time. It helped me tremendously and made me 0:13:57.200 --> 0:14:01.160 a better father. Um. I had my son my freshman 0:14:01.320 --> 0:14:07.040 year of college, and I mean, you played college football. 0:14:07.120 --> 0:14:10.719 It's I don't you don't have that relationship. You just 0:14:10.920 --> 0:14:13.800 you just his dad. You're not the father, right, So 0:14:13.880 --> 0:14:16.920 I really think everything do happen for a reason. Mean, 0:14:17.040 --> 0:14:19.640 Andrew happen for a reason. Me being a better dad, 0:14:19.760 --> 0:14:22.800 me being a better friend. Uh fell the stuff. I 0:14:22.920 --> 0:14:26.960 was still playing, the relationship I have with my son 0:14:27.080 --> 0:14:30.760 now and my mom passed away. But me bridging that guy, 0:14:30.880 --> 0:14:35.720 us bridging that guy, it would never happen. Yeah, step on. 0:14:35.800 --> 0:14:40.840 One of the things you have more than just your expectations, 0:14:41.440 --> 0:14:44.880 but has a long career. Your birth mom. You know 0:14:45.000 --> 0:14:49.240 you mentioned that. How does she find you? You're in 0:14:49.240 --> 0:14:54.840 the middle of this transition that you weren't expecting and 0:14:54.960 --> 0:15:03.480 your birth mom shows up. Yeah, I mean I guess 0:15:03.520 --> 0:15:06.320 it wasn't hard. I have siblings I kept in contact with, 0:15:06.480 --> 0:15:09.360 not as much, but I kept in contact with. Um. 0:15:09.560 --> 0:15:13.520 They know how I felt, don't give her my number. 0:15:13.880 --> 0:15:16.760 That's just where I was. I don't. She wasn't there. 0:15:16.920 --> 0:15:20.120 She wasn't with me when I was practicing, she wasn't 0:15:20.160 --> 0:15:22.480 with me when I graduated. There's no point in her 0:15:22.520 --> 0:15:25.800 showing up now, and in retrospect, I was really I 0:15:25.880 --> 0:15:29.320 was really hurting because I wanted her to be at 0:15:29.400 --> 0:15:32.480 every event. I wanted her to, you know, being my 0:15:32.640 --> 0:15:34.640 son's life at that point in time, like I needed her. 0:15:35.280 --> 0:15:38.480 I just didn't know how to tell her her that. Yeah, 0:15:38.520 --> 0:15:43.880 she she came. She came back into my life that 0:15:44.040 --> 0:15:47.720 week I got released. The week I got released, she 0:15:47.760 --> 0:15:50.160 reached out to me. I just asked me how I 0:15:50.280 --> 0:15:52.560 was doing. She was proud of me, and I think 0:15:52.600 --> 0:15:55.040 I gave a pretty good answer. I didn't last off yet, 0:15:55.480 --> 0:16:02.000 but I felt myself, as I mentioned, just hitting transpiring 0:16:02.040 --> 0:16:06.400 downward when she reached out to me on her birthday. 0:16:07.520 --> 0:16:10.760 So she called me on her birthday and she I 0:16:10.800 --> 0:16:12.920 don't know why she said this, but she said, so, 0:16:12.960 --> 0:16:17.800 I'm a little disappointed in you. I said why because 0:16:17.840 --> 0:16:21.160 you didn't get me nothing for my birthday. Right, So 0:16:21.680 --> 0:16:25.880 I'm thinking at this point in time, because you know, 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:29.000 you think I have money I supposed to get you 0:16:29.160 --> 0:16:31.200 something out there. You know, I haven't seen you in 0:16:32.160 --> 0:16:37.160 what twenty years apparently, So I end up writing I 0:16:37.240 --> 0:16:39.360 ended up texting her back and I said, look up 0:16:39.400 --> 0:16:41.760 the word disappointment, and that's what you are in my life. 0:16:42.520 --> 0:16:45.800 And that conversation no kind of just laying me down 0:16:45.840 --> 0:16:49.720 a path where I was just fighting demons. As I 0:16:49.840 --> 0:16:53.120 mentioned earlier, like I'm sleep, I'm waking up. I'm seeing 0:16:54.520 --> 0:16:58.840 like things that I'm afraid of, like and I'm fighting 0:16:58.880 --> 0:17:02.160 them in my sleep. I wake up, I'm yelling. Right, 0:17:02.360 --> 0:17:09.800 So your story is typically just the opposite of the 0:17:09.960 --> 0:17:16.960 conversations I have with most legends. It's using their their fathers. Yeah, 0:17:17.000 --> 0:17:19.920 we're after their life for a long time. You're the 0:17:20.119 --> 0:17:24.160 first that I've experienced to have this experience with your mother. 0:17:25.640 --> 0:17:29.760 That's pretty interesting, right it is. I mean I grew 0:17:29.880 --> 0:17:32.159 up I always thought I didn't need it. So my 0:17:32.280 --> 0:17:34.720 dad had my step mom, who I called my mom. 0:17:35.240 --> 0:17:39.840 That's my mom, right, So whenever my birth mom didn't 0:17:39.840 --> 0:17:43.800 come around, I just didn't know. I didn't win end scepter. 0:17:47.040 --> 0:17:48.880 It's a it's a it's it's a weird situation. I'm 0:17:48.920 --> 0:17:52.880 gonna tell you how God work. So I'm just gonna 0:17:52.920 --> 0:17:56.760 move forward a little bit. But we ended up somewhat 0:17:56.800 --> 0:18:00.080 bridging out God. I end up coming to Atlanta. It 0:18:00.119 --> 0:18:02.040 says how it's his Mother's Day. So she come down 0:18:02.119 --> 0:18:06.480 for Mother's Day, and she just opened up to the 0:18:06.640 --> 0:18:09.680 reason why she wasn't there, why she had my siblings, 0:18:10.240 --> 0:18:14.320 there's everything right, So she's like crying to me. And 0:18:14.440 --> 0:18:17.680 at that point in time, I'm still seeking my counseling 0:18:17.840 --> 0:18:21.159 sessions for depression and anxiety. But I didn't know that 0:18:22.200 --> 0:18:24.440 her opening up to me like that would also be 0:18:25.119 --> 0:18:29.600 you know, counseling in itself, right, So we ended up 0:18:29.680 --> 0:18:33.359 hugging it out, both of us, and tears. Uh felt 0:18:33.440 --> 0:18:38.280 the I just felt so relieved. Six months later, she 0:18:38.600 --> 0:18:43.160 passes away from a brain interist. So the doctor said 0:18:44.119 --> 0:18:46.879 her aneurysm was so big that she should have passed 0:18:46.880 --> 0:18:51.119 away three years ago. Man, I don't even want to 0:18:51.160 --> 0:18:56.520 transition because this is so so before I transition to 0:18:57.240 --> 0:19:02.240 signal your experienced there. It's something like you had a 0:19:02.320 --> 0:19:06.720 need for Mom that you have been suppressing, a ward 0:19:06.840 --> 0:19:12.240 not even aware of. Yes, sir, I would say so man, 0:19:12.880 --> 0:19:18.040 talking about signal signal work in life, resons. Yeah. So, 0:19:18.800 --> 0:19:22.280 as I mentioned, Valerie introduced me to the program, I 0:19:22.359 --> 0:19:27.440 got connected, I saw help. So my first my first 0:19:27.480 --> 0:19:30.520 session actually uh seeking the counselor, I said, I was 0:19:30.640 --> 0:19:33.320 quired for forty five minutes. I didn't say nothing my 0:19:33.440 --> 0:19:36.399 first my first session, so I was just thinking, like 0:19:36.680 --> 0:19:39.080 what the hell am I doing here? Like I don't 0:19:39.119 --> 0:19:43.280 I don't need this, I'm fine. My second session, I 0:19:43.480 --> 0:19:46.080 was quiet for forty five minutes. I remember this vivily. 0:19:46.160 --> 0:19:48.680 She ended up writing on on this on this board, 0:19:49.560 --> 0:19:54.520 while are you so angry? And I came back to 0:19:54.640 --> 0:19:58.440 that third session, she just said, you don't have to talk. 0:19:58.480 --> 0:20:01.080 I just want you to write. You know three reasons 0:20:01.160 --> 0:20:04.680 why you're angry. So I wrote down. I said, I'm 0:20:04.720 --> 0:20:08.440 angry because I'm here, I'm angry because you don't understand, 0:20:10.000 --> 0:20:14.560 and I'm angry because I let everyone down. She she mentioned, 0:20:14.600 --> 0:20:16.600 she said, Ryan, why do you think I don't understand? 0:20:16.920 --> 0:20:18.720 I said, because you wasn't you're not you never you 0:20:18.760 --> 0:20:21.840 didn't play this game. I want to talk to someone 0:20:21.880 --> 0:20:26.840 who played, who understand where I'm coming from, who had 0:20:26.880 --> 0:20:30.879 the same dreams aspirations of me, who know exactly the 0:20:30.920 --> 0:20:33.200 shoes that I meant, I say, it's no possible way 0:20:33.240 --> 0:20:37.080 that you can help me if you didn't walk through 0:20:37.119 --> 0:20:39.720 my shoes. Who did you think you had let down? 0:20:39.800 --> 0:20:43.160 You said? You told her I let so many people down? 0:20:43.720 --> 0:20:45.879 Who did you think you had let down? And just 0:20:46.000 --> 0:20:47.840 my family in general. I talked about, you know, just 0:20:47.920 --> 0:20:51.000 having these dreams, like I mentioned watching you, you know, 0:20:51.240 --> 0:20:53.840 coming up playing with you on mad and here my 0:20:53.960 --> 0:20:56.200 dad talked about, you know, has a recruiting trip with 0:20:56.720 --> 0:21:01.520 a Kniss ironically, but having these dreams and aspirations and 0:21:01.640 --> 0:21:05.320 goals of getting my dad at the house, paying off 0:21:05.359 --> 0:21:09.200 his car, not not seeing him work again, helping my 0:21:09.280 --> 0:21:13.520 great grandmother, helping my siblings. Just I just felt like 0:21:13.640 --> 0:21:16.600 I let every one down, even my son. It was 0:21:16.720 --> 0:21:19.359 times where my son, for a long time, it would 0:21:19.359 --> 0:21:23.080 be like, so, when's your next game? And I didn't 0:21:23.080 --> 0:21:25.120 know how to tell him that I don't play no more, 0:21:27.240 --> 0:21:31.480 and stuff on being in the counseling sessions and with 0:21:31.720 --> 0:21:35.320 the first concession for five minutes of silence, what made 0:21:35.400 --> 0:21:39.360 you come back? There was no judgment. I felt comfortable. 0:21:40.400 --> 0:21:46.000 I felt comfortable sitting in silence, no judgment necessary, no 0:21:46.080 --> 0:21:49.320 judgment passed. She allowed me to beat myself within those 0:21:49.359 --> 0:21:52.679 forty five minutes. She didn't allow me to She didn't 0:21:53.040 --> 0:21:58.960 force me to speak, forced me to do lessons that 0:21:59.080 --> 0:22:03.560 she had written down or pre playing. She just sat 0:22:03.600 --> 0:22:09.200 there with me. So that next session was very was 0:22:09.320 --> 0:22:13.280 very very helpful. Of course we discussed that, but she 0:22:15.480 --> 0:22:19.600 it was needed her the way her, the way she 0:22:20.040 --> 0:22:22.520 her sessions went. She just allowed me to be me. 0:22:23.359 --> 0:22:25.520 She let me be quiet when I wanted to be quiet. 0:22:26.359 --> 0:22:28.800 I pride in the sessions. Didn't think I would. I 0:22:28.880 --> 0:22:32.119 probably cried every session other than the first two. Like 0:22:32.359 --> 0:22:36.000 she was just amazing and getting me to open up 0:22:36.040 --> 0:22:38.600 and see things and allowing me to see the world 0:22:38.760 --> 0:22:42.320 just differently. And she told me, she that you know 0:22:42.640 --> 0:22:47.240 you are more than what you're giving yourself up. You 0:22:47.320 --> 0:22:49.880 are more than just a football player. Cliche, but it's true. 0:22:49.960 --> 0:22:52.560 You are more than a football player. I told her 0:22:52.600 --> 0:22:54.920 at that point in time, I said, I can't even 0:22:55.000 --> 0:22:58.399 identify who step one is as a football player, and 0:22:58.440 --> 0:23:01.520 I'm introducing myself and who Stefan is as a man 0:23:01.600 --> 0:23:05.240 in general. Every conversation that I have at that point 0:23:05.280 --> 0:23:07.040 in time was hey, my name is Steph wars. I 0:23:07.080 --> 0:23:09.359 pay for New England Patriots or Hey, my name is 0:23:09.359 --> 0:23:11.760 Steph Wars. I went to Penn State. I'm a former 0:23:11.840 --> 0:23:14.560 NFL player. That's all I could give you. So she 0:23:14.640 --> 0:23:19.040 allowed me to open up and identify exactly who step 0:23:19.160 --> 0:23:21.280 On Morris is and not just stepped a football player. 0:23:22.040 --> 0:23:25.560 So going back to the signal work work like resources program, 0:23:26.440 --> 0:23:28.919 I utilized that. That's before I even got the signal, 0:23:30.440 --> 0:23:33.960 So little did I know Valerie would then become my 0:23:34.119 --> 0:23:38.280 account manager for the program. Um. I was able to 0:23:38.800 --> 0:23:41.960 bridge that gap from being a former player and seeing 0:23:42.000 --> 0:23:45.320 what it looked like versus now been in a corporate 0:23:45.359 --> 0:23:47.920 setting and then trying to identify how du you know 0:23:48.440 --> 0:23:51.159 we job utilization on? How do we connect with these players? 0:23:52.119 --> 0:23:55.200 I'm sorry, what made you fall it? Make the call? 0:23:58.119 --> 0:24:02.119 Valerie her words? Or did she follow back up with you? 0:24:02.920 --> 0:24:06.080 She didn't follow up. She was just genuine. She didn't 0:24:06.080 --> 0:24:09.920 know me. I mean, it was an introduction, but she 0:24:10.200 --> 0:24:15.480 spoke to me as if she cared mhm. And my 0:24:15.640 --> 0:24:17.760 dad didn't make me because he mentioned about counseling to 0:24:18.359 --> 0:24:21.600 his words, I mean, I struggled it off. But speaking 0:24:21.640 --> 0:24:24.400 to Valerie like O her thank you to this day, 0:24:24.880 --> 0:24:29.200 like she made me go see help. So if you 0:24:29.240 --> 0:24:32.040 got a chance to talk to all the NFL rookies, 0:24:32.359 --> 0:24:36.800