1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,720 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:30,920 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,559 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,159 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode. Today, we are 8 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:40,960 Speaker 1: talking about a much requested topic and one that I 9 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:46,280 Speaker 1: think is highly personally relevant to me, understanding and overcoming 10 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:50,839 Speaker 1: our social anxiety. When we think about our twenties, there 11 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:55,279 Speaker 1: are a few generally universal experiences I think we can 12 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:59,320 Speaker 1: all agree on, and worrying about the opinions of others, 13 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:04,520 Speaker 1: being very self critical, concerned about whether we've embarrassed ourselves, 14 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:07,600 Speaker 1: our past mistakes, the times we've overshared or said the 15 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:10,880 Speaker 1: wrong thing. That is definitely one of them. It's definitely 16 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:13,840 Speaker 1: a common thing that haunts us and keeps us up 17 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:17,120 Speaker 1: at night. There are so many experiences like this that 18 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:20,200 Speaker 1: I think live in our head rent free, taking up 19 00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:23,840 Speaker 1: the space that we perhaps could be using for other things, 20 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:28,320 Speaker 1: but also causing us to avoid certain situations or events 21 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:33,200 Speaker 1: out of fear of that really physical and emotional, even 22 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:36,960 Speaker 1: mental discomfort, and it can be really hard to wrangle 23 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,800 Speaker 1: with those thoughts and wrangle with that anxiety and bring 24 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:45,080 Speaker 1: it back into our control. This is particularly the case because, 25 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:49,360 Speaker 1: as we know, our brains are hardwired to seek the 26 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:53,000 Speaker 1: approval and the safety of others. So when we think 27 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:57,160 Speaker 1: that perhaps we've done something that is wrong, or we've 28 00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,760 Speaker 1: done something that could be seen as awkward or cause 29 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:05,720 Speaker 1: us to be rejected or perceived negatively, our minds automatically 30 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,239 Speaker 1: set off an alarm system and it triggers a fear 31 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:13,640 Speaker 1: response that we come to know as social anxiety. And 32 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:17,079 Speaker 1: people feel this in so many areas of their lives, 33 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:21,600 Speaker 1: when it comes to making new friends, to dating, job interviews, 34 00:02:21,639 --> 00:02:25,440 Speaker 1: to lowering their inhibitions in front of new people. And 35 00:02:25,639 --> 00:02:27,440 Speaker 1: I want you to know that you are not alone 36 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:31,600 Speaker 1: in that experience. I think any type of anxiety can 37 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:35,640 Speaker 1: cause us to feel very solitary and isolated because the 38 00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:40,120 Speaker 1: only person whose reality we really understand is our own, 39 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,400 Speaker 1: So we tend to be hypercritical and hyper fixated on 40 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:48,320 Speaker 1: our interpretation of an event rather than our objective reality, 41 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:52,600 Speaker 1: one in which most people really aren't looking at us 42 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 1: that closely. We are all very much selfish beings who 43 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:59,880 Speaker 1: spend a lot of time ruminating on our faults, wondering 44 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 1: who may be thinking about us when no one is, 45 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,560 Speaker 1: because we're all in the same boat. So today I 46 00:03:06,639 --> 00:03:09,960 Speaker 1: really want to discuss some of the ways that we 47 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:13,800 Speaker 1: can control our social anxiety, or at least understand it 48 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,959 Speaker 1: better and make peace with those feelings and not let 49 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:21,080 Speaker 1: them hold us back from the joy, the excitement, the 50 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:25,640 Speaker 1: surprises of our twenties. We are going to examine why 51 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:29,680 Speaker 1: we feel socially anxious and what actually is perhaps a 52 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:33,839 Speaker 1: deeper social phobia. Where does that fear come from. We'll 53 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:38,400 Speaker 1: also look at the major cognitive distortions that try and 54 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:41,480 Speaker 1: convince us that we are awkward, that we are embarrassing, 55 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:45,880 Speaker 1: or socially inept, and why those distortions are false. There 56 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:51,400 Speaker 1: is also such an interesting relationship between overthinking perfectionism and 57 00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:55,080 Speaker 1: social anxiety that is rarely discussed, and I think it 58 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,520 Speaker 1: relates to a lot of people that I speak to, 59 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:01,160 Speaker 1: and also my own situation as well. So how can 60 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:05,240 Speaker 1: we use that understanding, use that broader knowledge of our 61 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:10,680 Speaker 1: social anxiety to reclaim our authenticity, to reclaim our confidence 62 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:14,960 Speaker 1: and not live in that shadow of someone else's opinion 63 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 1: or our perception of someone else's opinion of us. There 64 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,880 Speaker 1: is so much to cover as someone who still remembers 65 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:25,279 Speaker 1: every embarrassing thing that has happened to me since I 66 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,640 Speaker 1: was a child, the time I tripped and fell in 67 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,400 Speaker 1: front of the stairs of someone I really liked, or 68 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,719 Speaker 1: the time I got really drunk at a work event 69 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,479 Speaker 1: and said with things to my boss, I'm here with you. 70 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,640 Speaker 1: But I also have some of the psychology and the 71 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:41,719 Speaker 1: hidden explanations and also the advice for why we all 72 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:45,159 Speaker 1: feel this way sometimes and why it is not only 73 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:49,400 Speaker 1: natural but something that we can come to learn to control. 74 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:52,599 Speaker 1: So all of that and more, without further ado, let 75 00:04:52,680 --> 00:05:03,160 Speaker 1: us get into the psychology behind our social anxiety. Every 76 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:06,800 Speaker 1: single one of us is going to experience occasional moments 77 00:05:06,839 --> 00:05:13,080 Speaker 1: of embarrassment, of cringe, of anxiety around social interactions, wondering 78 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,160 Speaker 1: whether we overshared, whether we said something we don't remember, 79 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:19,960 Speaker 1: did that person like me? And all of those things 80 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:23,839 Speaker 1: are I think very common things that I've experienced myself, 81 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:27,160 Speaker 1: things that have sometimes really got in the way of 82 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,680 Speaker 1: me connecting with people deeply or feeling like I wanted 83 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,159 Speaker 1: to kind of curl up into a ball and hide 84 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,719 Speaker 1: away and never speak to anyone ever again. I think 85 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:40,880 Speaker 1: that occasional hyper focus on our ability to be perceived 86 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:44,320 Speaker 1: and therefore to be judged feels like one that is 87 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,599 Speaker 1: quite a heavy burden to bear, but also one that 88 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:50,520 Speaker 1: is felt by quite a few people out there. A 89 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,360 Speaker 1: part of these experiences and the feelings of being self 90 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:56,400 Speaker 1: conscious or over analyzing a social situation from time to 91 00:05:56,480 --> 00:06:01,400 Speaker 1: time is really normal, despite it being uncle comfortable. This 92 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:05,120 Speaker 1: reaction is a function of our environment and our evolution, 93 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:10,159 Speaker 1: and simply put, historically our survival was dependent on group acceptance. 94 00:06:10,279 --> 00:06:13,080 Speaker 1: We needed to be part of the tribe for things 95 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:17,160 Speaker 1: like food, shelter, and security, and if we were outcast, 96 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:20,480 Speaker 1: it was essentially a bit of a death sentence. So 97 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:25,839 Speaker 1: this necessitated and innate recognition of the opinions and the 98 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:30,640 Speaker 1: perspective of the group and also our reputation within it. 99 00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,000 Speaker 1: So when we act in a way that we think 100 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:36,040 Speaker 1: brings attention to us or could put us on the 101 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:40,320 Speaker 1: out or garner negativity or rejection, what that triggers is 102 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:44,320 Speaker 1: a lot of fear or anxiety that is highly instinctual. 103 00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:50,360 Speaker 1: That uncomfortable feeling, that sense of social anxiety is meant 104 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,840 Speaker 1: to protect us. As annoying as it is, it's meant 105 00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:56,200 Speaker 1: to warn us not to do that again and provide 106 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:59,320 Speaker 1: an emotionally salient experience that will keep us in line. 107 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:03,880 Speaker 1: That evolutionary instinct that has come from a place of survival, 108 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,839 Speaker 1: it has lingered with us and it continues to create 109 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:12,720 Speaker 1: situations and feelings that make us feel uncomfortable, that make 110 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:17,800 Speaker 1: us question our worth and question whether other people like us, 111 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:21,200 Speaker 1: what their judgments of us are. There's a really important 112 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:26,280 Speaker 1: distinction here, though, between occasional feelings of being embarrassed or 113 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:32,080 Speaker 1: self conscious and a genuine diagnosable social anxiety disorder otherwise 114 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:36,280 Speaker 1: known as a social phobia. And really the distinction here 115 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:41,680 Speaker 1: is based on severity and frequency. So social anxiety disorder 116 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:46,920 Speaker 1: is definitely not uncommon. It's actually the third most common 117 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:51,840 Speaker 1: mental health condition behind depression and substance use disorders, and 118 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,920 Speaker 1: the most common form of anxiety. So it impacts between 119 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,440 Speaker 1: I think like six to ten percent depending on your 120 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:03,000 Speaker 1: estimates of people worldwide, and those numbers that those numbers 121 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:06,360 Speaker 1: are huge. What this says is that almost one in 122 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:10,720 Speaker 1: ten of us are walking around with an intense discomfort 123 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:16,240 Speaker 1: and even fear towards social situations, and inherent to that 124 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:20,480 Speaker 1: is this worry of being judged, of being humiliated, of 125 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:25,160 Speaker 1: being outcast, because we really do care about the opinions 126 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:28,200 Speaker 1: of others, even when we try not to. And what 127 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:31,720 Speaker 1: this can lead us to do is to avoid certain 128 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:35,920 Speaker 1: situations where we might be forced with forced to interact 129 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:40,480 Speaker 1: with people we don't know, or maybe you know, situations 130 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,080 Speaker 1: where we don't know what to say, where we're uncomfortable, unprepared, 131 00:08:44,559 --> 00:08:47,440 Speaker 1: perhaps we kind of have to stand alone in the 132 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:51,360 Speaker 1: corner of the party, like waiting and awkwardly looking around 133 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:55,160 Speaker 1: for someone you know, literally the worst feeling ever. But 134 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:58,960 Speaker 1: this social anxiety, especially when it's linked to a social 135 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:03,560 Speaker 1: anxiety disorder, it causes us to be particularly fearful or 136 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:08,960 Speaker 1: anxious towards things like attending parties or social gatherings, going 137 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,800 Speaker 1: places where we don't know anyone, and having to meet 138 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:15,680 Speaker 1: new people or start a conversation. Another big one is 139 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:19,240 Speaker 1: things like public speaking or speaking up in public settings 140 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:23,840 Speaker 1: like in a classroom or during a work presentation. And 141 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:27,360 Speaker 1: then in more extreme cases, some people can have such 142 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:31,840 Speaker 1: an intense cognitive and emotional reaction that they struggle doing 143 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,240 Speaker 1: things like eating or drinking in front of other people, 144 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:38,840 Speaker 1: or using public spaces or public restrooms. The main triggers 145 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:42,560 Speaker 1: are situations in which we acknowledge that we can be 146 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:47,240 Speaker 1: perceived and that something about our behavior might reveal these 147 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,440 Speaker 1: parts of us that we are convinced of, but that 148 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:53,200 Speaker 1: we are trying to keep invisible those parts of us 149 00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:55,480 Speaker 1: that we don't like. And we're worried what people will 150 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,920 Speaker 1: think if they see them, that we are a fraud, 151 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,720 Speaker 1: that we are awkward, that we have nothing to say, 152 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,640 Speaker 1: and if people were to find out about this kind 153 00:10:03,679 --> 00:10:06,760 Speaker 1: of secret side of us, we believe it would be 154 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,240 Speaker 1: the end of the world. We believe that everything around 155 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:11,960 Speaker 1: us would come crumbling down, and we respond to this 156 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:17,160 Speaker 1: possibility with anxiety. And anxiety is essentially a fear response, 157 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:23,080 Speaker 1: particularly anticipatory anxiety, where we project our fears onto a 158 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:27,239 Speaker 1: future situation in anticipation of an event or a situation 159 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,680 Speaker 1: that might leave us feeling a bit unstable or a 160 00:10:30,679 --> 00:10:34,559 Speaker 1: little bit uncertain, and the logic, the kind of illogic, 161 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:38,840 Speaker 1: almost goes that if we can anticipate what might go wrong, 162 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:42,240 Speaker 1: where we might misstep, we can put a plan in 163 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:45,440 Speaker 1: place to be prepared for the worst case. Scenario, and 164 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,960 Speaker 1: also our brain tells us that the easiest way to 165 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:52,719 Speaker 1: minimize the worst case scenario is by avoidance. If we 166 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:56,560 Speaker 1: actively avoid social situations, we don't have to feel anxious. 167 00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:00,320 Speaker 1: And if our goal is to avoid anxiety, then that 168 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,920 Speaker 1: is a very effective way of going about it. But 169 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:09,079 Speaker 1: it's also unfortunately not very sustainable, nor is it particularly healthy, 170 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:14,079 Speaker 1: given that deep social connection and even casual everyday interaction 171 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:19,640 Speaker 1: is really vital for maintaining our mood and our well being. Also, 172 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:24,760 Speaker 1: whilst avoidance temporarily makes us feel better, it just makes 173 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,600 Speaker 1: us more fearful in the future because we never give 174 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:32,880 Speaker 1: ourselves the opportunity to prove that nasty, negative voice in 175 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:37,480 Speaker 1: our head wrong. We really cannot shy away from our 176 00:11:37,559 --> 00:11:41,720 Speaker 1: need for deep vulnerability and meaningful relationships. But we're just 177 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:45,439 Speaker 1: worried about the judgments of others, and because of that worry, 178 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,080 Speaker 1: we never challenge the fear of the fear maintains itself. 179 00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:51,880 Speaker 1: We find ourselves back at square one, and you know, 180 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:56,760 Speaker 1: everyone's going to have their own thoughts. Sometimes people will 181 00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:01,160 Speaker 1: not like you, but I think very true, no one 182 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,480 Speaker 1: is thinking about you as much as you are thinking 183 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:09,600 Speaker 1: about yourself. We are innately very ego centric creatures. We 184 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:14,320 Speaker 1: are all too busy examining our own behavior, thinking about 185 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:16,959 Speaker 1: what we need to have for dinner, thinking about our 186 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,480 Speaker 1: to do list, thinking about our relationships, the things that 187 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:24,520 Speaker 1: are bothering us to really judge others. And we're going 188 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 1: to talk more about that fallacy in a second. But 189 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:31,440 Speaker 1: the other way that our social anxiety can show up 190 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:36,000 Speaker 1: is through what we call post event rumination. So this 191 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:41,079 Speaker 1: occurs when we are obsessively critical of our social performance 192 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:46,000 Speaker 1: or behavior following some event or interaction. So post event 193 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:51,480 Speaker 1: rumination is when you find yourself really brooding overthinking every 194 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:57,599 Speaker 1: single gesture, tonal change, laugh interaction. You might focus on 195 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,640 Speaker 1: any of the mistakes you think you have made, but 196 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:06,000 Speaker 1: you also may imagine scenarios that didn't happen, like walking 197 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:07,920 Speaker 1: out of a room and people laughing at you the 198 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:13,040 Speaker 1: moment that you left, or being criticized or judged. Often 199 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:18,480 Speaker 1: these ruminating thoughts this tendency will become part of a 200 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:23,240 Speaker 1: cycle that maintains our social anxiety by promoting that future avoidance. 201 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,520 Speaker 1: You worry that you embarrassed yourself, which causes you to 202 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:29,720 Speaker 1: run through every detail of the event to provide yourself 203 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,800 Speaker 1: with self assurance. But the more time you spend thinking 204 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:36,320 Speaker 1: about your behavior, the more mistakes you see or the 205 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:40,439 Speaker 1: more mistakes you create. And these are called false memories, 206 00:13:40,679 --> 00:13:44,959 Speaker 1: which can become implanted in our mind when we repeatedly 207 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:48,040 Speaker 1: revise a memory, when we repeatedly go back to it, 208 00:13:48,559 --> 00:13:52,680 Speaker 1: and that just causes us to unfortunately worry even more 209 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:56,320 Speaker 1: than we need to. One situation where I see this 210 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,400 Speaker 1: a lot is after a night of heavy drinking, where 211 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,840 Speaker 1: our social anxiety kind of combines with the after effects 212 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:06,480 Speaker 1: of alcohol and can cause us to spiral even further 213 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,920 Speaker 1: until you know you're promising yourself you will never drink again, 214 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:13,480 Speaker 1: or refusing to look at your phone wondering when someone 215 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,240 Speaker 1: will text you to say how embarrassing you were or 216 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,840 Speaker 1: tell you something that you did. This is because alcohol, 217 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,920 Speaker 1: in particular activate some of those brain regions that are 218 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:27,000 Speaker 1: already being triggered by our social anxiety. So experts have 219 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:31,920 Speaker 1: theorized that anxiety is related to using alcohol to overcome 220 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,960 Speaker 1: social anxiety. So alcohol as a drug will initially help 221 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,200 Speaker 1: you feel better. You will feel more relaxed, you will 222 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:43,680 Speaker 1: feel more calm because it releases this neurotransmitter called gabba 223 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:48,880 Speaker 1: and gabber slows everything down, and it lessens the ability 224 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:53,760 Speaker 1: of our nerves to give and receive messages, meaning less overthinking, 225 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:57,920 Speaker 1: less inhibition less nerves. But in the morning, when the 226 00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:02,080 Speaker 1: alcohol wears off, our brain need to rebalance all of 227 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:06,600 Speaker 1: the neurotransmitters working on our mind, and so it releases 228 00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:11,240 Speaker 1: this neurotransmitter called glutamate to kind of counterbalance the excessive 229 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:15,000 Speaker 1: amount of gabba that the alcohol is triggered, and glutamate 230 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:18,440 Speaker 1: does the opposite of gamma. It excites our brain, It 231 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:22,800 Speaker 1: spikes our anxiety, and it also reactivates things like memory 232 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:28,000 Speaker 1: and cognition, so that blissful calm and ignorance is gone, 233 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:32,200 Speaker 1: and suddenly we are right back in this social anxiety spiral, 234 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,320 Speaker 1: except even more so now because we have this unbalanced 235 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,680 Speaker 1: kind of chemical pattern in our brain to deal with, 236 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,840 Speaker 1: which is making us more susceptible to ruminating on those 237 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:46,160 Speaker 1: embarrassing moments and how we behaved in front of others, 238 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:50,480 Speaker 1: despite it being highly highly likely that those people do 239 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,480 Speaker 1: not remember much more than you do. So why is 240 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:57,640 Speaker 1: it that other people's opinions take on so much importance 241 00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:01,640 Speaker 1: in our lives? Well? Aside from that evolutionary explanation, we 242 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:04,640 Speaker 1: offered earlier. A lot of us develop what we call 243 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:11,280 Speaker 1: cognitive distortions, whereby we see social situations as being more 244 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:14,880 Speaker 1: meaningful than they actually are, and therefore we generalize that 245 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,240 Speaker 1: our behavior in those situations should take on more importance, 246 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:22,000 Speaker 1: we should examine them more closely. It's interesting because, as 247 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:26,040 Speaker 1: we spoke about before, we are quite egocentric beings because 248 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:29,120 Speaker 1: the only person's reality we truly understand is our own, 249 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,320 Speaker 1: and so we can't peer into someone else's mind and 250 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,960 Speaker 1: confirm or deny their opinion of us. We can't see 251 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,320 Speaker 1: ourselves the way others see us. We have to rely 252 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,480 Speaker 1: on our own judgments, which are often very skewed, and 253 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:48,360 Speaker 1: that has two consequences for feeling socially anxious. Number one, firstly, 254 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:52,720 Speaker 1: because we never know what others are thinking, this creates uncertainty, 255 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:57,160 Speaker 1: and that uncertainty causes us to catastrophize and to expect 256 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,840 Speaker 1: the worse, because if we are prepared for the worst case, 257 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:04,920 Speaker 1: any other scenario won't be as terrifying, even if we 258 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,800 Speaker 1: are horrifically rejected. At least we're prepared for this. At 259 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:12,639 Speaker 1: least that's what our anxiety has convinced us. We are 260 00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:16,520 Speaker 1: already aware of that perception, and it makes us feel 261 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:20,240 Speaker 1: like we can cope if that is actually the outcome. Secondly, 262 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:23,480 Speaker 1: we have no context for how other people are feeling, 263 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:28,480 Speaker 1: specifically how they're probably feeling the same way. We think 264 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:31,080 Speaker 1: that it must just be us, that we just must 265 00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:34,639 Speaker 1: be the most awkward, embarrassing person. This stuff never happens 266 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:38,400 Speaker 1: to other people. Everyone else has so much confidence because 267 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,560 Speaker 1: how can we confirm that others are feeling the same 268 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:46,239 Speaker 1: way or experiencing things as intensely as we are, And 269 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:50,680 Speaker 1: so the experience becomes really isolating, and sometimes talking about 270 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:53,879 Speaker 1: a particular situation in which we felt like we have 271 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:58,800 Speaker 1: misstepped can actually sting even more so we bury this thought, 272 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:04,360 Speaker 1: this negative reaction in overthinking and internalizing. There's two other 273 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:08,359 Speaker 1: cognitive distortions that we are socially anxious people can fall into. 274 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:13,240 Speaker 1: Sometimes we see ourselves more negatively than we are in reality. 275 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,000 Speaker 1: It's what we call a negative self concept, where we 276 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,600 Speaker 1: think that our behavior must be so much worse than 277 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:23,560 Speaker 1: we imagined, that what we said might actually be offensive 278 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:26,240 Speaker 1: and that we just didn't know it. We have trouble 279 00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:30,760 Speaker 1: seeing ourselves as good people, as someone who is fun 280 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,320 Speaker 1: and who people want to be around and who people 281 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:36,840 Speaker 1: really do like. And I think if you're an anxious person, 282 00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:40,480 Speaker 1: you already are highly sensitive to social cues from others. 283 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:43,639 Speaker 1: And if you have this baseline way of seeing yourself, 284 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:48,359 Speaker 1: any tiny suggestion you pick up from someone's behavior will 285 00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:52,320 Speaker 1: act to confirm your bias. It will act to confirm 286 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:56,040 Speaker 1: this negative self concept, despite it being real or not. 287 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:58,960 Speaker 1: That person may have been having a really rough day, 288 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:02,640 Speaker 1: they may be worrying about their own insecurities. They may 289 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:06,080 Speaker 1: be just as anxious as you. However, you can't see 290 00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:10,800 Speaker 1: those explanations because you have been misled by negative self talk, 291 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:14,880 Speaker 1: over analysis and your own self perception of your actions. 292 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:19,280 Speaker 1: I think it's important to remember just because you feel anxious, 293 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:23,240 Speaker 1: just because you feel awkward, just because you feel embarrassed, 294 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:28,640 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that those things are true. Your emotions are 295 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:32,920 Speaker 1: just your emotions. Your perceptions are just your perceptions. They 296 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:37,520 Speaker 1: are not character descriptions, they are not always reality. What 297 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,240 Speaker 1: you did is probably not as terrible as you think 298 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,320 Speaker 1: it was. That thing you're reminding on or obsessing about, 299 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:47,679 Speaker 1: it's unlikely anyone else even remembers it. And also, if 300 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:51,000 Speaker 1: a friend came to you with the same situation, you 301 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:53,920 Speaker 1: would probably not think twice about it, and you would 302 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:57,000 Speaker 1: see it very clearly from an objective point of view 303 00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,640 Speaker 1: and tell them, you know, it's not that bad. It's 304 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,880 Speaker 1: not even close to being bad. It's kind of all 305 00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:03,760 Speaker 1: made up in your head. And the same goes for 306 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:07,120 Speaker 1: the situation you're worried about. A lot of what we 307 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:10,160 Speaker 1: take from a situation is not based on reality. It's 308 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:14,600 Speaker 1: based on our opinion. The second cognitive distortion is that 309 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:18,199 Speaker 1: everyone is looking at you. It links back to the above. 310 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,800 Speaker 1: We are the center of our own universe, and so 311 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:23,040 Speaker 1: we notice when people are focusing on us, and we 312 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:27,240 Speaker 1: rarely remember those times when they weren't. Good news for us, though, 313 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:31,320 Speaker 1: is that the opinions of other people are fortunately none 314 00:20:31,359 --> 00:20:33,840 Speaker 1: of our business. And if they are spending all that 315 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:38,520 Speaker 1: time we think they are judging, talking, considering our actions 316 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:42,280 Speaker 1: or our behavior, that is causing more harm to them 317 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:45,480 Speaker 1: than it is causing us. And really, what's the worst 318 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:48,399 Speaker 1: thing their opinions can do if they decide to go 319 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:52,359 Speaker 1: on some reputational tirade or say something behind your back 320 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,800 Speaker 1: that looks a lot worse on them than us, Especially 321 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:59,639 Speaker 1: if we stay true to our authenticity and our good nature. 322 00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:02,160 Speaker 1: And we kind of keep our head above the frow. 323 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:05,760 Speaker 1: I also think we need to contemplate the following hypothetical. 324 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:09,800 Speaker 1: Can you remember the last time you judge someone and 325 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,399 Speaker 1: why did you judge them? What did you say? Was 326 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:16,120 Speaker 1: it something about their outfit, something they said? And how 327 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:20,160 Speaker 1: much time did you actually think about it? I'm guessing 328 00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:23,080 Speaker 1: it couldn't have been for more than a few seconds, 329 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:27,960 Speaker 1: maybe minutes, because our brains are constantly thinking about the 330 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,760 Speaker 1: next thing. We only have such limited cognitive space to 331 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:35,360 Speaker 1: plan our lives, to worry about what our relationships are doing, 332 00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:39,320 Speaker 1: to worry about ourselves, and that's really where everyone's focus 333 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,280 Speaker 1: is going. I think we need to remind ourselves that 334 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:45,200 Speaker 1: your social anxiety is lying to you, but it's also 335 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:49,960 Speaker 1: trying to protect you by overgeneralizing, by distorting your reality, 336 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:55,520 Speaker 1: or magnifying what are very small moments as a valuable 337 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:59,959 Speaker 1: way to kind of keep you in check. And counteracting 338 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:03,520 Speaker 1: those negative thoughts when they pop into your mind is 339 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,520 Speaker 1: really important if you want to live the life you 340 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:07,720 Speaker 1: want to live, if you want to live in your 341 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:11,440 Speaker 1: authenticity and make the most out of your social experiences. 342 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:13,840 Speaker 1: So how do we do that? How do we reclaim 343 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:18,040 Speaker 1: the narrative around how people choose to see us and 344 00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:22,119 Speaker 1: why their opinion really shouldn't matter as much as we 345 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:24,760 Speaker 1: think it does. Well, we're going to talk about all 346 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:35,159 Speaker 1: of that and more after this shortbreak. It always fascinates 347 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:38,720 Speaker 1: me how much we allow others to be fallible, to 348 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:42,560 Speaker 1: be imperfect human beings, how much we're willing to overlook 349 00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:45,479 Speaker 1: and laugh with them at their mistakes and hold off 350 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:49,320 Speaker 1: our judgment, but we never give ourselves permission to do 351 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 1: the same. You know, if our friend tells us something 352 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,560 Speaker 1: embarrassing that happened to them, we don't feel it as 353 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:57,399 Speaker 1: deeply as they do because we can see it objectively. 354 00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,320 Speaker 1: But also we let them be those kinds of people. 355 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:04,199 Speaker 1: We enjoy that they are not perfect, but we have 356 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:06,719 Speaker 1: to be perfect. We always have to be on our 357 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,640 Speaker 1: best behavior. We always have to be warm and charming 358 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:13,040 Speaker 1: and funny and so on. So it's no surprise I 359 00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:16,000 Speaker 1: think that many of us who are anxious in other 360 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:21,240 Speaker 1: ways also find that we have a relationship to perfectionism 361 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:25,240 Speaker 1: and also a relationship to a tendency to overthink. There's 362 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:30,000 Speaker 1: been some really comprehensive studies on this correlation, whereby highly 363 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:35,480 Speaker 1: perfectionistic individuals have an increased probability and level of social anxiety, 364 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,720 Speaker 1: And on a very fundamental level, that makes a lot 365 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:44,800 Speaker 1: of sense. Perfectionist individuals tend to have extremely high personal standards, 366 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:49,520 Speaker 1: and they critically evaluate every little mistake they make, much 367 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:53,560 Speaker 1: like our social anxiety, wanting to come up perfect in 368 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:59,200 Speaker 1: every situation. Perfectionism also causes us to set very unrealistic 369 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:03,639 Speaker 1: standards for our performance in every areas of life. And 370 00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:07,160 Speaker 1: whilst we typically think of that in terms of things 371 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:11,880 Speaker 1: like academics and professional success, our brains don't shut off 372 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:15,520 Speaker 1: that perfectionist part of us for one activity and keep 373 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:20,480 Speaker 1: it on for another. So, given our underlying inferiority and 374 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:24,640 Speaker 1: sense of inferiority is perfectionists and our tendency to view 375 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:28,600 Speaker 1: ourselves negatively, often what that also means is that we're 376 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:32,679 Speaker 1: going to criticize ourselves more harshly when we perceive we 377 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,920 Speaker 1: don't meet certain standards that are set by our society, 378 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:41,240 Speaker 1: specifically when it comes to social situations, and much like 379 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:44,760 Speaker 1: that avoidance we were talking about before, often that comes 380 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:47,639 Speaker 1: out as if I don't know how I'm going to 381 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,400 Speaker 1: be in this situation, if I don't have a game plan, 382 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:54,000 Speaker 1: if I'm not sure. I may as well avoid it 383 00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:58,199 Speaker 1: because in those situations they could provide an opportunity for 384 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:02,879 Speaker 1: me to be exposed to feel shame and self consciousness, 385 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:06,159 Speaker 1: and that really mixes in with our social anxiety and 386 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,840 Speaker 1: it exacerbates all of that awkwardness and avoidance that we 387 00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:14,639 Speaker 1: discussed before. And then there's the overthinking. Anyone who said 388 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:17,480 Speaker 1: the wrong thing or done something that they think was 389 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:20,520 Speaker 1: embarrassing in front of others will know the feeling of 390 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,960 Speaker 1: being haunted by that memory for weeks to come. That 391 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:27,520 Speaker 1: like cringe when you're like lying in bed and you 392 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,479 Speaker 1: remember that one time you did that one thing, and 393 00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:32,720 Speaker 1: it's like that is the entire universe. At that moment, 394 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:35,800 Speaker 1: that is all you can think about, feeling the need 395 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:39,240 Speaker 1: to relive it again and again. Despite the sting is 396 00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:42,480 Speaker 1: such a common experience. It's like a wound that we 397 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:46,000 Speaker 1: won't let heal because we fall into this faulty belief 398 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:49,160 Speaker 1: that if we contemplate this situation over and over again, 399 00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:53,159 Speaker 1: somehow we'll find some closure or the pain will lessen. 400 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,400 Speaker 1: I always think about the metaphor of its like glass 401 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:59,800 Speaker 1: being washed around in the sea that eventually comes sand. 402 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:02,840 Speaker 1: You know, if we keep washing over this memory in 403 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:06,960 Speaker 1: our mind slowly will become smaller and smaller. The more 404 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,080 Speaker 1: we force ourselves to feel our embarrassment, the more we 405 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,879 Speaker 1: might become immune to it, or maybe on the other hand, 406 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:17,080 Speaker 1: we punish ourselves with it in order to prevent situations 407 00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:21,200 Speaker 1: like the one we just lived through. Here's the truth, though, 408 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:26,320 Speaker 1: that tendency to overthink will only further in French, that 409 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:32,520 Speaker 1: cycle of anticipatory anxiety, avoidance, post event rumination and spiraling. 410 00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:36,879 Speaker 1: It's really difficult to feel like our social anxiety is 411 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:40,560 Speaker 1: under our control. But also we're not aiming for the 412 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:44,480 Speaker 1: complete absence of those thoughts or to suppress those feelings entirely. 413 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:48,960 Speaker 1: I think that would be equally as maladaptive as social 414 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:52,280 Speaker 1: avoidance itself, because some part of us does need to 415 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:55,800 Speaker 1: have that healthy level of perception of other's feelings and 416 00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:59,679 Speaker 1: how to respond to their social cues and receptiveness to 417 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:04,960 Speaker 1: other people to be socially adaptable humans. But when we 418 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:09,080 Speaker 1: let that fear hold us back from genuine connection or 419 00:27:09,119 --> 00:27:12,640 Speaker 1: the possibility for connection because we are scared of what 420 00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:16,120 Speaker 1: other people might think, I really believe we miss out 421 00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:19,800 Speaker 1: on a lot of the beautiful experiences and surprises in life, 422 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:23,359 Speaker 1: even when sometimes they're a little bit uncomfortable. So what 423 00:27:23,359 --> 00:27:28,280 Speaker 1: we want to do is replace that perfectionism with authenticity. 424 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:33,440 Speaker 1: Instead of being committed to impressing other people, remain committed 425 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:37,439 Speaker 1: to behaving in alignment with who you are, not what 426 00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:40,640 Speaker 1: other people expect you to be. So what does that 427 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:46,199 Speaker 1: look like? Authenticity is really our capacity to identify and 428 00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:49,119 Speaker 1: be loyal to our true selves, even the things we 429 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,920 Speaker 1: don't love, to be comfortable with the ways we're different, 430 00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:58,120 Speaker 1: regardless of all the things society and others and your 431 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:01,840 Speaker 1: social anxiety is going to say. I think it's also 432 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:06,879 Speaker 1: about recognizing that we are incredibly multidimensional people. There is 433 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:10,080 Speaker 1: no one else like us, and our love for ourselves 434 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:15,240 Speaker 1: isn't dependent on someone else's acceptance of who we believe 435 00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:19,000 Speaker 1: we are and our true selves. I think, really, at 436 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:22,400 Speaker 1: its core, authenticity comes from a place of confidence, even 437 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:24,800 Speaker 1: if that confidence isn't real, even if we need to 438 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:28,119 Speaker 1: fake it till we make it for a while, reinforcing 439 00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:31,720 Speaker 1: though that it doesn't matter if other people don't like you, 440 00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:35,639 Speaker 1: because you like yourself. It doesn't matter if you make mistakes, 441 00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:40,640 Speaker 1: because mistakes make really good stories, And it really doesn't 442 00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:43,880 Speaker 1: matter if other people think you're weird or awkward, because 443 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:47,840 Speaker 1: you know who you are, their opinion is very much fleeting. 444 00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:50,520 Speaker 1: You don't have to engage with them if that's how 445 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:52,840 Speaker 1: they're going to choose to treat you, and you're going 446 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:55,680 Speaker 1: to choose to love those parts of you regardless. You know, 447 00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:58,240 Speaker 1: if someone decides to make a snap judgment of your 448 00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:03,000 Speaker 1: character based on one moment or one instant, that says 449 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,960 Speaker 1: a lot more about them than it says about you. Really, 450 00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:08,520 Speaker 1: at the end of the day, it says so much 451 00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:14,360 Speaker 1: about their closed mindedness, but also their insecurity that they're 452 00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:18,600 Speaker 1: looking to minimize your acceptance of yourself to feel better 453 00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:23,640 Speaker 1: about themselves. These reminders, when implemented regularly in the face 454 00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:28,440 Speaker 1: of socially anxious thoughts, really recondition our brain to see 455 00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:33,320 Speaker 1: social situations not as scary or deserving of a few response, 456 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:37,120 Speaker 1: but as opportunities in which we can prove ourselves and 457 00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:41,600 Speaker 1: further deepen our character. This might still be accompanied by 458 00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:45,400 Speaker 1: a little bit of anxiety. That's normal, that's totally natural 459 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:49,520 Speaker 1: to feel some nerves. But the thing about anxiety is 460 00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:53,240 Speaker 1: that it feels a lot like excitement, and we can 461 00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:57,840 Speaker 1: use our thoughts to treat that feeling like energy and 462 00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:02,920 Speaker 1: motivation rather than as something to fear. You tell yourself 463 00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:05,520 Speaker 1: before an event, before you need to meet new people 464 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:09,479 Speaker 1: that you're excited by that feeling, that you're excited by 465 00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:13,800 Speaker 1: the possibility, and turn that churning stomach, those sweaty palms, 466 00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:17,920 Speaker 1: all of those physical symptoms into a good feeling that 467 00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:21,480 Speaker 1: is excitement, not fear, rather than one that can hold 468 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:26,040 Speaker 1: you back. The other way to rewire our cognitive distortions, 469 00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:30,680 Speaker 1: particularly around the possibility of judgment from others, is to 470 00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:34,360 Speaker 1: use what I call these so what or the what next? Method. 471 00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:39,160 Speaker 1: So often, when we encounter social anxiety, if we immediately 472 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:42,160 Speaker 1: jump to the worst case scenario and we let our 473 00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:47,000 Speaker 1: brains catastrophize and viewer situation is considerably worse than it 474 00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:50,479 Speaker 1: actually is, we really get stuck in that thought pattern. 475 00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:56,840 Speaker 1: When we catastrophize, we relinquish control over our thoughts and 476 00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:59,920 Speaker 1: over our lives. So we need to realize that those 477 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:03,160 Speaker 1: thoughts can be changed and that they might not be rational. 478 00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:08,000 Speaker 1: So think back to an experience that maybe caused you 479 00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:11,080 Speaker 1: to cringe at yourself and feel that shame. For a second. 480 00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:14,880 Speaker 1: Let's say you think someone you met didn't like you 481 00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:18,000 Speaker 1: instead of feeling like that's the end of the world, 482 00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:23,600 Speaker 1: ask yourself, so what? And maybe the answer to that is, well, 483 00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:26,560 Speaker 1: if they didn't like me, they might think that I'm 484 00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:30,040 Speaker 1: a bad person. So what? So they may tell their friends, 485 00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:33,240 Speaker 1: So what? So their friends weren't like me, So what 486 00:31:34,000 --> 00:31:37,920 Speaker 1: will the world end? Will you be completely outcast? Will 487 00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:41,440 Speaker 1: you die? Will the worst case scenario happen? Because that's 488 00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:43,840 Speaker 1: what your brain's trying to tell you, that this is 489 00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:46,680 Speaker 1: somehow the worst thing to ever happen to you, that 490 00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:49,280 Speaker 1: it means more than it needs to. But when you 491 00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:52,640 Speaker 1: push back on that thinking, when you ask that feeling, 492 00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:56,200 Speaker 1: so what, So what if that's what happened? You bring 493 00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:59,560 Speaker 1: back that sense of control. You realize that the outcome 494 00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:03,360 Speaker 1: you think will happen most likely won't, and that it 495 00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:07,720 Speaker 1: also will never be as bad as you think. Control 496 00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:11,960 Speaker 1: that cognitive distortion, try and recognize the ways that your 497 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:17,320 Speaker 1: brain is lying to you, and finally treat your emotions 498 00:32:17,480 --> 00:32:21,520 Speaker 1: as just friendly creatures trying to help you out, like 499 00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:25,440 Speaker 1: advice rather than truth, because that's really what they are. 500 00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:28,640 Speaker 1: All that worry and anxiety that we feel from time 501 00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:31,880 Speaker 1: to time. It may have come from a past situation 502 00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:35,280 Speaker 1: where we were rejected or we felt excluded or disliked, 503 00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:39,000 Speaker 1: and that event probably really hurt. But the thing is 504 00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:42,000 Speaker 1: is that we survived it. We're still here, still breathing. 505 00:32:42,080 --> 00:32:45,400 Speaker 1: You're listening to this episode. But our brain likes to 506 00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:47,880 Speaker 1: take those past events and apply them to what it 507 00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:52,800 Speaker 1: thinks us similar scenarios to protect us. However, we can't 508 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:55,800 Speaker 1: predict the future. Our brain cannot do that. Just because 509 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:59,040 Speaker 1: something happened in the past doesn't increase the likelihood of 510 00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:02,960 Speaker 1: it happening in the future, and it also does not 511 00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:06,680 Speaker 1: say anything about who you are. Just like you are 512 00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:09,400 Speaker 1: not your emotions, you are also not your past. So 513 00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:15,240 Speaker 1: instead of thinking I'm embarrassing, I'm awkward, I'm cringe, replace 514 00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:19,560 Speaker 1: that with that situation made me feel anxious. That situation 515 00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:23,880 Speaker 1: was uncomfortable, But that is just an emotion that is 516 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:27,160 Speaker 1: not who I am. I'm going to give you for 517 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:31,840 Speaker 1: final affirmations to repeat to yourselves when you find that 518 00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:36,239 Speaker 1: you're maybe investing too much in other people's opinions or 519 00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:40,760 Speaker 1: the fear of a future situation or what could go wrong. 520 00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:45,600 Speaker 1: Number one, no one is judging you as closely as 521 00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:49,680 Speaker 1: you are judging yourself. Number two, the opinions of others 522 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:54,760 Speaker 1: do not determine your character. Number three, you are never 523 00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:57,880 Speaker 1: going to be criticized by someone who's doing better than you. 524 00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:03,000 Speaker 1: Number four, you are going to choose to be authentic 525 00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:06,640 Speaker 1: over being perfect. I know it can be hard to 526 00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:09,200 Speaker 1: live with those thoughts of what if people don't like me, 527 00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:12,600 Speaker 1: what if I've humiliated myself, what if I say something wrong? 528 00:34:13,160 --> 00:34:16,919 Speaker 1: But really true freedom really does begin when we see 529 00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:20,160 Speaker 1: that those thoughts are not going to change the outcome. Right, 530 00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:23,640 Speaker 1: It's just fear. It's just fear, and fear is just 531 00:34:23,680 --> 00:34:26,280 Speaker 1: a feeling. It's not the truth, it's not your reality. 532 00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:29,200 Speaker 1: All you can do is kind of come to every 533 00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:35,080 Speaker 1: situation with authenticity, confidence, kindness towards other people. And I 534 00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:38,560 Speaker 1: think that most of the time that is reciprocated. And 535 00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:41,080 Speaker 1: once again, if they don't like you, that is such 536 00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:44,200 Speaker 1: a disappointment for them, That is such a loss because 537 00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:47,439 Speaker 1: you are the type of person who will elevate their 538 00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:49,919 Speaker 1: life the way that you elevate your own and those 539 00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:52,480 Speaker 1: around you. And you are sure of that, and you 540 00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:55,520 Speaker 1: know that about yourself, and you know that whatever they 541 00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:58,640 Speaker 1: think about you, that is not going to change that truth. 542 00:34:58,880 --> 00:35:01,440 Speaker 1: So I think that's all we have time for today 543 00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:05,279 Speaker 1: a little brief episode on social anxiety, and I hope 544 00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:08,200 Speaker 1: that if this is something you're struggling with, that you 545 00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:11,560 Speaker 1: learn some important skills, but also a deeper knowledge of 546 00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:14,719 Speaker 1: why this might be going on, what kind of cognitive 547 00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:18,879 Speaker 1: distortions are really causing this. It's also something I deal with. 548 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:23,080 Speaker 1: I totally understand what it feels like to sometimes almost 549 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:26,600 Speaker 1: feel sick thinking about having to interact with other people 550 00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:30,080 Speaker 1: and really worrying about how it's going to turn out. 551 00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:32,520 Speaker 1: But sometimes you just got to feel the fear and 552 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:35,320 Speaker 1: do it. Anyways, That's something we say on the show 553 00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:38,840 Speaker 1: all the time, so hopefully that has resonated with you 554 00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:42,480 Speaker 1: in some way or another. As always, if you enjoyed 555 00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:45,279 Speaker 1: this episode, please feel free to leave a five star 556 00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:49,680 Speaker 1: review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now, 557 00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:53,360 Speaker 1: follow us on Instagram at that Psychology podcast if you 558 00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:55,480 Speaker 1: have some thoughts on this episode, if you have an 559 00:35:55,480 --> 00:35:58,640 Speaker 1: episode suggestion, if you just want to share what's on 560 00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:02,239 Speaker 1: your mind, building that community over there and hearing what's 561 00:36:02,280 --> 00:36:05,520 Speaker 1: going on in your lives, And as always, we will 562 00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:09,640 Speaker 1: be back next week with another episode