1 00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:06,360 Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. It's The Velvet's 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,200 Speaker 1: Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson. 3 00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:15,120 Speaker 2: Marnie Batista is here. She is a transformational coach, entrepreneur, 4 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:18,880 Speaker 2: podcast host, and the author of Your Radical Living Challenge, 5 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:21,319 Speaker 2: with we will talk about today. She's also written How 6 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:24,560 Speaker 2: to Find a Quality Guy Without going on two hundred Dates, 7 00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:26,560 Speaker 2: which I know you guys are going to be dying 8 00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:29,120 Speaker 2: to hear about. Hi, Marnie, how are you guys? 9 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:30,320 Speaker 3: So good to be here? 10 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,760 Speaker 2: Thank you so much for being here. I also should 11 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:35,520 Speaker 2: mention that you are the founder of Dating with Dignity, 12 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:38,720 Speaker 2: which is a research based personal development company, and it's 13 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:43,479 Speaker 2: helped thousands of successful women create not just thriving relationships, 14 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:47,320 Speaker 2: but soul aligned lives. And I love I love that 15 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:49,800 Speaker 2: connection because that's been very true in my life. The 16 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:54,320 Speaker 2: more aligned I have started living in my own soul, 17 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:59,200 Speaker 2: the more the people that come into my life, the relationships, anything, 18 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,640 Speaker 2: it just it just works better. It's just it's completely different. 19 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:05,280 Speaker 2: The more you live in soul alignment. Is that why 20 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:08,680 Speaker 2: you started this kind of work with women? 21 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:12,039 Speaker 3: Well, I mean the dating thing came. They say, you know, 22 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:15,119 Speaker 3: you teach what you need to learn. Yeah, but I 23 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:18,759 Speaker 3: was married for seventeen years. I have three kids from 24 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:23,800 Speaker 3: that marriage, and after that ended, I sort of just 25 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:26,760 Speaker 3: adopted the philosophy of like, the best way to get 26 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:30,559 Speaker 3: over someone is get under someone else, right, I don't 27 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,920 Speaker 3: heard that. Yeah, yeah, I don't advise it. And then I, 28 00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:36,000 Speaker 3: you know, I ended up with this guy who was 29 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:39,240 Speaker 3: like a basically just a at the time better looking 30 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:42,320 Speaker 3: version and younger of my ex husband. And after that 31 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,720 Speaker 3: ended pretty quickly, I was like, I have three daughters 32 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:46,720 Speaker 3: for a reason. I feel like the universe gave me 33 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,480 Speaker 3: this so that I would make sure I don't pass 34 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:51,960 Speaker 3: it on, so to speak. And that's when I really 35 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:55,640 Speaker 3: started to do the work. And the reason why I 36 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:59,200 Speaker 3: named the dating part of my company Dating with Digny, 37 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:03,080 Speaker 3: is because I felt like that was gone, like the 38 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:07,000 Speaker 3: whole process of dating, the whole process of even like 39 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:10,440 Speaker 3: being in a relationship. When you don't feel like you're enough, 40 00:02:10,919 --> 00:02:13,600 Speaker 3: you just lose your self respect and your dignity. And 41 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:18,639 Speaker 3: so it was an internal starting point. And when I 42 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:21,560 Speaker 3: started doing that work and then mixed it sort of 43 00:02:21,639 --> 00:02:24,760 Speaker 3: with like mindset and skill set, everything sort of kind 44 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,760 Speaker 3: of unfolded. And then that was when I was forty two. 45 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:31,720 Speaker 3: Now I'm fifty eight. Okay. What I learned is that 46 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,800 Speaker 3: transformation doesn't end you don't fix it right. And now 47 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:38,280 Speaker 3: I've been with my second husband for sixteen years, almost 48 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:41,760 Speaker 3: as long as my first marriage, and so the second 49 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:45,400 Speaker 3: book about Radical Living Challenge really came from this place 50 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,760 Speaker 3: of me having it all. You know, I got the divorce, 51 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,440 Speaker 3: I got the man, I got the business, and I'm like, 52 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:52,960 Speaker 3: why am I still not feeling happy? Like what's wrong 53 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,000 Speaker 3: with me? And I blamed it all of my husband, 54 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,519 Speaker 3: as one does, and that was sort of the starting 55 00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:01,120 Speaker 3: point for the next of my journey. 56 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:03,880 Speaker 2: Well, can you tell us a little bit more about that, 57 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,920 Speaker 2: because I love that you just focused on the blame 58 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,680 Speaker 2: you were putting on someone else, because that's such the 59 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:11,079 Speaker 2: human thing to do, right, That's the quickest thing we 60 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,040 Speaker 2: go to is like, well, I must not be happy 61 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:16,400 Speaker 2: because of them or this situation happening. And I know 62 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,119 Speaker 2: you had a ski accident, right, and then some other 63 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,120 Speaker 2: losses at the same time. And I loved reading your 64 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,720 Speaker 2: story because that was when it seemed like the catalyst 65 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:26,480 Speaker 2: for you to be like, okay, yo, I gotta change 66 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:28,640 Speaker 2: in things. So can you tell the listeners a little 67 00:03:28,639 --> 00:03:31,440 Speaker 2: bit about that and how that started you on your journey. 68 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 3: Well, why I do what I do now is because 69 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:37,080 Speaker 3: I don't want some tragedy to happen to anyone listening 70 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:39,360 Speaker 3: to finally realize that life is short. They get one 71 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,320 Speaker 3: life to live and to stop messing around, you know, 72 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,280 Speaker 3: because that's what happened to me. Right. So I wrote 73 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,560 Speaker 3: actually an essay that was in the La Times about 74 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,760 Speaker 3: how I wanted my husband to change because at the time, 75 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,640 Speaker 3: like when I met him, he was working in entertainment. 76 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:55,440 Speaker 3: We lived in LA It was a horrible lifestyle. He 77 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:57,480 Speaker 3: hated it, and we sort of made this agreement that 78 00:03:57,480 --> 00:03:59,640 Speaker 3: he would help meeting with the kids because they were younger, 79 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:03,000 Speaker 3: and that worked until it didn't work because my kids 80 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:05,280 Speaker 3: left the nest and I was like, you need to 81 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:07,760 Speaker 3: like get a job, like work, What the hell are 82 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,240 Speaker 3: you doing? You know? And so I and he didn't 83 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:11,800 Speaker 3: want to be in LA And so then I just 84 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,960 Speaker 3: lumped all his own issues on him like that he 85 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,800 Speaker 3: vulnerably shared, and I was like, it's your fault. You 86 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:20,400 Speaker 3: just need to get happy and get over it and 87 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:24,080 Speaker 3: then we'll be fine. We'll be fine because I'll be fine. Meanwhile, 88 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:26,640 Speaker 3: like my business. I'd grown it and I was just 89 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:30,119 Speaker 3: not doing anything that I loved doing anymore. I wasn't coaching. 90 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,200 Speaker 3: I was like, I just wrote something about it today 91 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:36,240 Speaker 3: about like the aha moment. I was sitting, you know, 92 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:39,120 Speaker 3: at my desk, having a moment with my COEO. She 93 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,280 Speaker 3: was complaining to me about one of my coaches that 94 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,520 Speaker 3: I hired, who was like just griping about everything. Someone 95 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:46,640 Speaker 3: else had just quit. I got an email from a 96 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:48,880 Speaker 3: client who was pissed and wanted to refund because she 97 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,520 Speaker 3: signed up for that coach. And I was just like 98 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,880 Speaker 3: babysitting all these people, And I was like, what am 99 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,560 Speaker 3: I doing? And I told my husband I want to 100 00:04:56,600 --> 00:05:01,640 Speaker 3: break up with my business. But I was like I 101 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,279 Speaker 3: can't do that. I've been doing for this, you know, 102 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,400 Speaker 3: this forever. This is what I do. I can't sacrifice everything. 103 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,880 Speaker 3: And Kelly, I just kept pushing and pushing, pushing it down. 104 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:13,800 Speaker 3: And then about three weeks before the world started hoarding 105 00:05:13,839 --> 00:05:17,960 Speaker 3: toilet paper in the pandemic, I got in this near 106 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:22,760 Speaker 3: crippling ski accident and I couldn't move for like about 107 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:28,040 Speaker 3: nine ten weeks, and without being able to do anything 108 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:31,719 Speaker 3: and just be it was just like me upstairs listening 109 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:35,640 Speaker 3: to people like cleaning vegetables downstairs with a claw and 110 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:39,080 Speaker 3: the remote. I was like, who am I? Yeah, like 111 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,640 Speaker 3: who am I? And that was really like the point 112 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,800 Speaker 3: where I said, I have built my life on this 113 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:49,679 Speaker 3: paradigm of success and this certain foundation and this lie 114 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,600 Speaker 3: that if I do all this stuff, I'm gonna be happy. 115 00:05:52,279 --> 00:05:57,679 Speaker 3: And it's not working. And my mom died at sixty four. 116 00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:01,600 Speaker 3: I was fifty five. My dad had died in twenty nineteen, 117 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,520 Speaker 3: like mumbling about credit cards and trying to like check 118 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:08,880 Speaker 3: his email like at seventy eight in his last moments. 119 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:10,360 Speaker 3: And I was like, there's got to be more. 120 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:14,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I know what you're just describing. And then 121 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,440 Speaker 2: also I know with the women that you work with 122 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:21,039 Speaker 2: and your coaching business, I mean, it's usually high functioning people, right, 123 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:24,240 Speaker 2: And it's not like this thing where you're working with 124 00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:27,960 Speaker 2: people who don't have what looks to be success on 125 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:31,040 Speaker 2: the outside. So what is usually missing, Like, what are 126 00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,560 Speaker 2: you finding that's missing in their lives that's making them 127 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:34,080 Speaker 2: not happy? 128 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:39,640 Speaker 3: Well, they're living by these pre prescribed shoulds. Okay, Okay, 129 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,440 Speaker 3: So we talked to the beginning about soul alignment, right, Okay, 130 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:45,559 Speaker 3: so soul alignment is over here. Doing what you should 131 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:48,760 Speaker 3: do every minute of your day is like it's off 132 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:52,320 Speaker 3: the screen. It's like it's not even close, right, And 133 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,560 Speaker 3: so what happens is we start tolerating, We make these 134 00:06:55,680 --> 00:07:00,080 Speaker 3: little exceptions here and there, We sell ourselves the story 135 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,320 Speaker 3: that I only have to do this for a little 136 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:06,000 Speaker 3: bit longer if so and so would change, Like why 137 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:10,760 Speaker 3: is this happening to me? And there is just this 138 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:16,880 Speaker 3: fear that presses up against that longing for something real. 139 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:21,760 Speaker 3: And what I've learned, especially since the pandemic, and so 140 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:25,280 Speaker 3: many women in their late forties and early fifties and older, 141 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,080 Speaker 3: had this little taste of like freedom and not living 142 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:32,160 Speaker 3: by so many rules, and now they're all just crushing 143 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:36,440 Speaker 3: back and there's chaos everywhere, and they're just like, but Marnie, 144 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:39,440 Speaker 3: but if I don't do this, then what do I do? 145 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:41,960 Speaker 3: And the reason why I wrote my book is because 146 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,760 Speaker 3: when I was in that moment, I was like searching 147 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,920 Speaker 3: and googling and I couldn't find any help. And really 148 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,960 Speaker 3: that's why I wrote the book, Because I created the 149 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,800 Speaker 3: system based on the design thinking model at Stanford University, 150 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,720 Speaker 3: and that really was the pivot. So what's missing to 151 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 3: answer your question is you're so not being yourself. You're 152 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:02,760 Speaker 3: so out of alignment. You're just making other people happy. 153 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:07,160 Speaker 3: You were just people pleasing, proving, not sleeping. It's you 154 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:08,720 Speaker 3: can't live like that. It's not sustainable. 155 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,440 Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, and I want to talk about the book 156 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:13,440 Speaker 2: a little bit. That was the perfect segue because you 157 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:18,160 Speaker 2: bring up these seven radical questions in the book, and 158 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:20,720 Speaker 2: I know that you developed these questions and they changed 159 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:23,000 Speaker 2: everything for you. So can you tell the listeners, I mean, 160 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,200 Speaker 2: without giving them all away, just say a couple of 161 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:30,320 Speaker 2: the overall reasons or feelings behind these questions and why 162 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,680 Speaker 2: it would do exactly what you're saying, get us out 163 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:34,920 Speaker 2: of the shoulds and get us into the more soul 164 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:35,880 Speaker 2: aligned place. 165 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:40,760 Speaker 3: Yeah. So a couple of things. One is that when 166 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:43,240 Speaker 3: I work with clients, I still have clients with dating. 167 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:46,000 Speaker 3: They come to me and they're like, Okay, you know 168 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,360 Speaker 3: what's the hack, Like you know, yeah, on my day, 169 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:52,760 Speaker 3: Zach whatever, And I'm like, wait a minute, no, Like, 170 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:56,160 Speaker 3: I don't do it that way. But it's an inside 171 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:59,640 Speaker 3: out approach because number one, you have to be sold 172 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:03,360 Speaker 3: or and in who you choose and how you show 173 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:07,240 Speaker 3: up in dating, because when you do it based on 174 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:13,240 Speaker 3: the shoods, it doesn't work out. So whatever never right. So, 175 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,680 Speaker 3: so what I realized when I kind of reflected back 176 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:20,760 Speaker 3: on the fifteen or so years of dating coaching, I 177 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,920 Speaker 3: was like, how do I teach my clients to be 178 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,000 Speaker 3: rejection proof? 179 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:29,480 Speaker 2: Okay? Which everyone would want to know, right, go through rejection? 180 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:33,400 Speaker 3: So yeah, nobody does okay. So and so what I 181 00:09:33,679 --> 00:09:37,440 Speaker 3: called it before I wrote the book was resourcing, meaning 182 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:41,280 Speaker 3: that it's like, let's say you have an iPhone and 183 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:45,880 Speaker 3: the battery is dying and you're out, you know, out 184 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:49,320 Speaker 3: in the middle of New York City and you're like, 185 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:52,080 Speaker 3: where can I plug this thing in? Right? And you're 186 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,520 Speaker 3: like looking for chargers. You're going, you know, in the restaurant. 187 00:09:55,559 --> 00:09:57,480 Speaker 3: You're kind of like trying to see if there's a plot, 188 00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,400 Speaker 3: like you're trying to plug it in right and what 189 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:04,040 Speaker 3: and then they change the charger. Oh, then like in 190 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,800 Speaker 3: your car and you're just like, yeah, I can't plug 191 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:10,280 Speaker 3: my phone in, okay. Our confidence and self worth is 192 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,280 Speaker 3: like our phone, okay. And what happens is we are 193 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:18,040 Speaker 3: using men and dating and their feedback and their validation 194 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:22,920 Speaker 3: to plug in that we are enough. So when they 195 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:27,240 Speaker 3: don't give us what we want, we can't recharge, and 196 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,920 Speaker 3: then we quit. And so I was like, wait, what 197 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,240 Speaker 3: I call it is resourcing. You have to source your 198 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:37,640 Speaker 3: enoughness internally. Yes, And when I looked at the system 199 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:42,280 Speaker 3: that I used to help women resource internally and really 200 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:45,080 Speaker 3: feel enough. And so when you're then like you are 201 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:47,800 Speaker 3: rejection proof because you have an abundance mindset and if 202 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,000 Speaker 3: it's not this, it's something better and dating is fun 203 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,480 Speaker 3: and you just don't take it personally. And so I 204 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:56,360 Speaker 3: realized that the seven questions, right, and I'll talk about 205 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:59,040 Speaker 3: what in particular in a second, but those are the how. 206 00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:03,760 Speaker 2: Okay, they are the how of the resourcing. 207 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:07,960 Speaker 3: Yes, so if you do these seven things on you know, 208 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:11,280 Speaker 3: autopilot where it feels like breathing, then you are able 209 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:15,840 Speaker 3: to resource and it doesn't matter how your charger changes 210 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,920 Speaker 3: or where you are, you could always plug in to. 211 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,120 Speaker 2: Your pay That totally makes sense. 212 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:25,440 Speaker 3: Yeah, Okay. One of my favorite questions, and it really 213 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:29,160 Speaker 3: is important to the dating process is were you honest? 214 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,000 Speaker 3: So most people are like, oh, I'm honest, and I'm 215 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,679 Speaker 3: not talking in the tank command. That's kind of a 216 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:38,720 Speaker 3: way like I'm trusting if you're listening. You're not lying 217 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:42,720 Speaker 3: or stealing or cheating or you know, wounding anyone. So 218 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,439 Speaker 3: but what happens is because of those points where we're 219 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,319 Speaker 3: just tolerating all the time, we're not telling the truth 220 00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:52,240 Speaker 3: to ourselves, so we lie to ourselves. So one of 221 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:56,359 Speaker 3: the biggest mistakes that happens when you're not honest with yourself, 222 00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:01,600 Speaker 3: that leaks everywhere into your dating is being afraid to 223 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:02,520 Speaker 3: say what you want. 224 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:07,480 Speaker 2: It's so true, especially for women, right one hundred percent. 225 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:11,320 Speaker 3: Okay, So the point where if you look at like 226 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:14,800 Speaker 3: and I've done like these these profile reviews, you know, 227 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:18,640 Speaker 3: and and I look at them, and it reflects that 228 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:21,200 Speaker 3: you are trying to look like you don't care. Sure, 229 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,280 Speaker 3: it looks like you don't care because you don't want 230 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,760 Speaker 3: to say, like, oh, I'm really serious about dating. I'm 231 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:29,120 Speaker 3: going to give everything I have to online dating, and 232 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:30,960 Speaker 3: I'm gonna put all my heart in it, and I'm 233 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:34,320 Speaker 3: gonna write this amazing profile. I'm a profession Nobody does 234 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:37,960 Speaker 3: that unless they're working with me, because there's this aloofiness. 235 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,360 Speaker 3: You're like, Oh, I don't want to even think I 236 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:40,880 Speaker 3: need a man, I don't want to even think I 237 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:47,440 Speaker 3: care about dating. That's a lie. You're right and so so, 238 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,200 Speaker 3: and then that translates. So then what I see is 239 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:53,040 Speaker 3: out in the in the field when you're dating, women 240 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:56,440 Speaker 3: are afraid to say what they want, so they're not 241 00:12:56,520 --> 00:13:00,079 Speaker 3: saying on the second or third date, which I highly recommend. Hey, 242 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,000 Speaker 3: I'm in a place where I'm like actually looking for 243 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,760 Speaker 3: my partner. I'm super excited about it, and I'm putting 244 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,800 Speaker 3: my heart and soul into it right now? What about you? 245 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:11,440 Speaker 3: Right scar? Mom? I don't want him to think that 246 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:14,080 Speaker 3: I'm needy. I don't want to, you know, And I'm like, okay, 247 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:18,400 Speaker 3: you're lying. And then three or four months from now, 248 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,319 Speaker 3: when you're just casually dating him, still you're actually pissed 249 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:26,200 Speaker 3: because he doesn't want a relationship. Well, you pretended that 250 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:31,440 Speaker 3: you didn't care from the jump, yep. So so how 251 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:35,360 Speaker 3: do you resource yourself while you're constantly saying, am I 252 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,360 Speaker 3: being honest? What do I really want? How do I 253 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,040 Speaker 3: communicate that? How do I show up in that way? 254 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:44,200 Speaker 3: How do I ask for what I want? How do 255 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,720 Speaker 3: I set boundaries? And then we go, oh wow, I 256 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:49,520 Speaker 3: feel really good about myself. I feel enough because we 257 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:53,280 Speaker 3: build psychological safety and integrity with ourselves and heal the 258 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:58,160 Speaker 3: parts of ourselves that overfunction and don't have boundaries when 259 00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:01,600 Speaker 3: we take care of ourselves. And then you're like, oh, well, 260 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,800 Speaker 3: it's okay. Like I told him this and he didn't 261 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,400 Speaker 3: do it. I know this was what I wanted, and 262 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,480 Speaker 3: I'm confident about I was honest with myself and I 263 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:14,400 Speaker 3: was honest with him, And so everything about resourcing comes 264 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:18,800 Speaker 3: from implementing the how of all these different questions. 265 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:22,120 Speaker 2: It has literally changed my life to do some of 266 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:25,880 Speaker 2: the changes that you're speaking about as far as specifically dating. 267 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,400 Speaker 2: But I think it's just such. These are the conversations 268 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:31,200 Speaker 2: I'm having with my friends all the time, and everyone 269 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:33,560 Speaker 2: lives by, it seems to live by this place of 270 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:36,520 Speaker 2: like you need to be the cool girl. Yeah, I 271 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:39,520 Speaker 2: got over that for some reason. I think my world 272 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,880 Speaker 2: crashed so hard and I was like, I don't care 273 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,760 Speaker 2: about being the cool girl. I'm going to be me. 274 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,400 Speaker 2: And it's interesting because that was the scariest thing for 275 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:51,320 Speaker 2: a while. But then the second I made that flip, 276 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:55,200 Speaker 2: it's like everything I actually wanted started flowing into my life. 277 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:58,160 Speaker 2: And it's crazy that we really talk ourselves out of 278 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:01,000 Speaker 2: living in our own truth because as you said, then 279 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:03,840 Speaker 2: we end up in these situations where you either have 280 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:08,560 Speaker 2: to continue the lie or not. They're using your voice, 281 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,240 Speaker 2: and it gets exhausting, and there's always resentment that breeds 282 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,920 Speaker 2: or the relationship's going to end. So what's the point 283 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,120 Speaker 2: of wasting all the time. 284 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,880 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's so crazy because the thing that most people 285 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,520 Speaker 3: are worried about, and not just in dating but at work, 286 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,680 Speaker 3: with their neighbors, with their family, is like what will 287 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:24,560 Speaker 3: everyone else think? 288 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:25,320 Speaker 2: Exactly? 289 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,640 Speaker 3: You know, if I approach my life in a radical way, 290 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:32,600 Speaker 3: and radical doesn't mean like a revolt or revolution, it 291 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,040 Speaker 3: means radical because you're actually rooting into what you care 292 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:39,040 Speaker 3: about and you're screwing the shoods and you're really living 293 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,160 Speaker 3: your life. But if you're just so worried about what 294 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,680 Speaker 3: everyone else thinks, that becomes very challenging. 295 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, exhausting as well. 296 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:55,760 Speaker 3: Yeah. 297 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:57,840 Speaker 2: I want to talk about soul mapping, and this is 298 00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,280 Speaker 2: something you talk about. Can you tell the listeners what 299 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:04,280 Speaker 2: soul mapping is and how it can help us connect 300 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:06,280 Speaker 2: to what we do actually want? Because I think a 301 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,200 Speaker 2: lot of problems for me came from I didn't even 302 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:11,720 Speaker 2: know what I wanted and I had lived this whole 303 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,880 Speaker 2: life based on what I thought I should do, Like 304 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:18,040 Speaker 2: you're saying, I got to be in my late thirties 305 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:20,440 Speaker 2: and when it crashed, I was like, I don't even 306 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:24,040 Speaker 2: know that I wanted that stuff. So it really set 307 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:25,520 Speaker 2: me on a journey of that. And I think that's 308 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,880 Speaker 2: kind of what you describe with the soul mapping things. 309 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:29,560 Speaker 2: I want to tell the listeners a little bit about that. 310 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:34,960 Speaker 3: Yeah, So soul mapping is really like it's like your thumbprint, 311 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:39,920 Speaker 3: because it is your unique reflection in real life of 312 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:43,600 Speaker 3: your soul expressing itself. If everyone likes art, I think 313 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,000 Speaker 3: of like the Jackson Pollock that artists to what we 314 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,360 Speaker 3: are all like is that art where it's just like 315 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:50,160 Speaker 3: a splatter of paint, right, But I think of your 316 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:53,400 Speaker 3: soul map as like a splatter of your soul on words, 317 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:56,800 Speaker 3: in words on paper. Right. And so it is a 318 00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:01,840 Speaker 3: process that is required to add actually start designing your 319 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,760 Speaker 3: life to figuring out what guys are right for you, 320 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:07,680 Speaker 3: every single piece of your life. And so there's three 321 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:11,280 Speaker 3: parts of it, okay, And it is part of this 322 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,200 Speaker 3: design thinking model because before you design a life or 323 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:17,080 Speaker 3: a relationship, you need to think about the user of 324 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:21,159 Speaker 3: the product that's you. Before a product is designed, the 325 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:25,600 Speaker 3: company spend years and millions and millions of dollars researching 326 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,840 Speaker 3: the user. Right, we just we don't do that. We're like, oh, 327 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,640 Speaker 3: I'm me. You're not the same person you were when 328 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,440 Speaker 3: the twenty year old version of you designed the life 329 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:38,040 Speaker 3: that she thought she would want in your late forties. Right, 330 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,560 Speaker 3: You're like, okay, that was a twenty year old idea. 331 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,399 Speaker 2: Well if I didn't even have a clue, right, exactly 332 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:46,240 Speaker 2: though you want, you don't know who you are. 333 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,439 Speaker 3: Well, And here's the interesting part about soul mapping is 334 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:52,560 Speaker 3: when I help people with their soul maps and we 335 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,840 Speaker 3: kind of actually do this like life mapping process. The 336 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,360 Speaker 3: truth is that along the way we come in we're 337 00:17:58,359 --> 00:18:01,240 Speaker 3: all we're all us one hundred percent. But life happens, 338 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,640 Speaker 3: and we make decisions or decisions are made for us, 339 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:07,760 Speaker 3: and we take different paths, and in order to survive 340 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:12,879 Speaker 3: and adapt, we actually mute or toss away, or repulse 341 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:17,920 Speaker 3: against these parts of ourselves. And so in soul mapping, 342 00:18:18,359 --> 00:18:22,399 Speaker 3: you get to actually bring back and discover those parts 343 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:26,200 Speaker 3: of you that got muted, that you believed weren't good, 344 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:30,280 Speaker 3: that you cast aside because you had to. And you're 345 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:34,040 Speaker 3: asking three questions and there's there's a process in the 346 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,360 Speaker 3: book to actually answer the questions. But what you will 347 00:18:36,359 --> 00:18:40,119 Speaker 3: discover is when I am aligned, I call it resonant, 348 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,119 Speaker 3: like think of like that perfect note, you know, and 349 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,800 Speaker 3: it's just this is flow? What am I doing? 350 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:46,679 Speaker 2: Okay? 351 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:51,280 Speaker 3: Everything from like this morning I was making sourdough and 352 00:18:51,359 --> 00:18:54,439 Speaker 3: I was like looking at that bubbly sourdough and then 353 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,880 Speaker 3: I was like doing my folds and I was like 354 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,679 Speaker 3: this is so fun, Like I could give me all 355 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,159 Speaker 3: your I just want to fold up for everybody. Do 356 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,480 Speaker 3: you like you note all these times in your life 357 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:08,520 Speaker 3: where it feels in flow, and you note in your 358 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,159 Speaker 3: times where it doesn't in a very specific way, and 359 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:14,159 Speaker 3: you have this list of what do you love and 360 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,760 Speaker 3: what do you not love? And then you look at 361 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:19,400 Speaker 3: your data, right because you're a researcher in this process, 362 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:22,200 Speaker 3: and you look at, well, how do I best carry 363 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,560 Speaker 3: out what I love? Cause if I was doing that 364 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,679 Speaker 3: process and like all my friends were like when's that 365 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:29,520 Speaker 3: bread gonna be ready? And They're all on the other 366 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,000 Speaker 3: end watching TV and I'm just like flapping the bread 367 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,880 Speaker 3: and being like how short? Right, that's not fun, right, 368 00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:38,040 Speaker 3: So the how is really important. When I do this 369 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:41,600 Speaker 3: with people with work, It's like I like one on 370 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:45,399 Speaker 3: one versus I like collaborating, I like facilitating. I like 371 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:48,440 Speaker 3: lots of spaciousness in my calendar. I like to work 372 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,679 Speaker 3: at night. I'm just not myself in the morning. I 373 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:55,320 Speaker 3: actually love I'm so productive on Sunday afternoons. Like the 374 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:58,359 Speaker 3: how is it low light? Highlight? Do you need a 375 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:02,879 Speaker 3: dark room? Lightroom? So you start to notice all those patterns, 376 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,160 Speaker 3: and then finally you look at the why. What are 377 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:09,159 Speaker 3: the core motivations for the things I was doing that 378 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:14,160 Speaker 3: I absolutely freaking loved And you collect all that data 379 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,040 Speaker 3: and then you start to connect the dots and you 380 00:20:16,119 --> 00:20:20,119 Speaker 3: find the patterns, and then you go, Okay, here's what 381 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:23,200 Speaker 3: I love, Here's how I love to carry it out. 382 00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:26,439 Speaker 3: Here's the core motivations that have to be in play. 383 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:30,520 Speaker 3: And then you go, great, here's the map. How do 384 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,240 Speaker 3: I literally create all areas of my life? So I 385 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:37,560 Speaker 3: get to do this like that for this reason as 386 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,480 Speaker 3: much as possible, including dating. 387 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,679 Speaker 2: You know what? I love this. I feel like the 388 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:46,040 Speaker 2: way we are set up when we're younger is to 389 00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,879 Speaker 2: think that, okay, if you do these things if you 390 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,120 Speaker 2: check these boxes, which you talk about in the book too, 391 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,600 Speaker 2: then you should be happy, right the if then's I 392 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,960 Speaker 2: always talk about that and then we get to this 393 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,119 Speaker 2: place later in life and we realize we're not happy. 394 00:20:58,359 --> 00:21:01,760 Speaker 2: But when I hear you talk about is really creating 395 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:05,080 Speaker 2: your own journey and it's not something that someone else 396 00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:08,160 Speaker 2: could create for you, or that's gonna look like everything 397 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,760 Speaker 2: that everyone else does, which I think is somehow shocking 398 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:15,960 Speaker 2: to us that we could create a life that looks different, 399 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:18,760 Speaker 2: it's unique to us, Like we don't really talk about 400 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:21,240 Speaker 2: that in our society, and I think that's so sad, 401 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:24,840 Speaker 2: because what you're saying is that if we do look 402 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:28,080 Speaker 2: at the unique things that make us happy that work 403 00:21:28,119 --> 00:21:30,960 Speaker 2: for us, that is probably where we are going to 404 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:35,320 Speaker 2: find our most true soul aligned but also fulfilling life 405 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:36,800 Speaker 2: one hundred percent. 406 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:39,040 Speaker 3: I talked to someone who read the book and she 407 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:43,720 Speaker 3: wrote me and said, I just realized, like I just realized, 408 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,879 Speaker 3: like a flow moment like this has got to be 409 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,760 Speaker 3: on my soul map. And I was like, what you know, 410 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:50,439 Speaker 3: She's like thank you, and I was like, you're doing 411 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:53,840 Speaker 3: She was like seeing Wicked for the tenth time in 412 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:58,000 Speaker 3: the third row singing out like belting it like to 413 00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:00,600 Speaker 3: the She was like, literally, how could I do that 414 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,560 Speaker 3: more in my life? Like? Why is that? Just like 415 00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:05,960 Speaker 3: you know something I used to be embarrassed about that, 416 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:09,040 Speaker 3: I yeah saying and that I love Broadway and that 417 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:11,320 Speaker 3: I love right. And I was like, well, great, Like 418 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,680 Speaker 3: what's what's let's talk about it, let's dive into there. 419 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:16,520 Speaker 3: But like, we have these moments and we think of 420 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:19,240 Speaker 3: them if we look at our life as our peak experiences. 421 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,760 Speaker 3: And this was the conversation my husband had and I 422 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,800 Speaker 3: had that really changed everything. And we looked and he 423 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:26,919 Speaker 3: went off and wrote his for the last like you know, 424 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:28,880 Speaker 3: decade or so, and I did mine. We came back 425 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,040 Speaker 3: and they were the same. And there we were in 426 00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:33,719 Speaker 3: our little brand new renovated kitchen and our you know, 427 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:37,560 Speaker 3: my beautiful I had this office that had like poofy white. 428 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:42,440 Speaker 3: It was so pretty like yours and I love that office. 429 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,960 Speaker 3: And I was sitting in there and I was like, 430 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:46,960 Speaker 3: wait a minute, why do we live a life for 431 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:50,240 Speaker 3: our peak experiences are literally two weeks once a year? 432 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:50,960 Speaker 3: What the hell? 433 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 2: Yeah? 434 00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:54,159 Speaker 3: I was like, what are we doing? That is like 435 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:57,520 Speaker 3: we're wasting fifty weeks of our life it's a lot 436 00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:02,600 Speaker 3: of time. Yeah, and that's that. I was like, all right, no, 437 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:03,520 Speaker 3: I gotta fud that. 438 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,560 Speaker 2: Yeah. But okay, So when you get to that moment 439 00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:08,680 Speaker 2: where you look around and you're like, oh, I I'm 440 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,239 Speaker 2: only doing the things that I want to do for 441 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:13,040 Speaker 2: two weeks at a time. I love that. You also 442 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:15,919 Speaker 2: base a lot of your work in neuroscience, so it's 443 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:17,840 Speaker 2: not just like you're saying, oh, you just got to 444 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:21,560 Speaker 2: like change your mindset or you know, think positively for instance, 445 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:24,600 Speaker 2: Like why doesn't that work? Because I think there's a 446 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:27,719 Speaker 2: lot of teaching out there that's just saying change your 447 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,440 Speaker 2: mindset or just you know, the woo woo kind of 448 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:33,040 Speaker 2: a mentality. And I'm like, no, there is actually some 449 00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:34,960 Speaker 2: deep diving that needs to be done. But can you 450 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:35,920 Speaker 2: explain why? 451 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,720 Speaker 3: Yeah, totally. I just was talking to some clients. One 452 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,400 Speaker 3: of my clients her husband died, she met a new guy, 453 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:45,840 Speaker 3: helped her meet the new guy. They're engaged. She left corporate, 454 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:48,719 Speaker 3: she's starting a bar studio. She's looking for another position 455 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,280 Speaker 3: that can help her fund her dream. And we were 456 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,879 Speaker 3: talking about her fears. She was like, but my fears 457 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:56,679 Speaker 3: are real. I was like, or what are you afraid 458 00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,640 Speaker 3: of what if I sell the house in some steak 459 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:01,040 Speaker 3: What if my daughter never wants to come back. What 460 00:24:01,119 --> 00:24:03,479 Speaker 3: if I crush her because this is where her and 461 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:06,040 Speaker 3: her dad were and he's passed away and all of 462 00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:11,000 Speaker 3: these things. And I said, if you release this fear, 463 00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:15,320 Speaker 3: what's the fear you're really gonna have to confront? Okay, 464 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:20,520 Speaker 3: And she was like that I fail, that I lose control. 465 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:24,320 Speaker 3: She was like, this house, it's like it's mine. So 466 00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:27,159 Speaker 3: I in the book, I talk about what's the essential problem, 467 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:31,560 Speaker 3: the problem under the problem, and so positivity you cannot 468 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:34,439 Speaker 3: think your way out of your thought. So once you 469 00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:37,160 Speaker 3: get to like, oh god, I'm afraid I'm gonna lose 470 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:39,879 Speaker 3: control of my life. Another client in the same conversation 471 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:43,280 Speaker 3: was like, well, for me, it's like I like I 472 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,080 Speaker 3: came from nothing and my whole, like ethos is like 473 00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:49,040 Speaker 3: I made it. I'm a corporate lawyer. You know, like, 474 00:24:50,119 --> 00:24:52,399 Speaker 3: what what would everyone think like if I don't have 475 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:55,479 Speaker 3: it together even for five minutes? What if I fail? 476 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:57,800 Speaker 2: Right, it's that question you brought up that you faced 477 00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:59,480 Speaker 2: of who am I right? 478 00:25:00,119 --> 00:25:05,040 Speaker 3: Exactly exactly? And so if you don't work on the 479 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:09,800 Speaker 3: essential problem and learn how to calm your nervous system 480 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:13,960 Speaker 3: so that you can and that's a lot of also 481 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,520 Speaker 3: deep diving. You have to sort of be able to 482 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:20,240 Speaker 3: do that so that the key the lock releases in 483 00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:23,960 Speaker 3: your amygdala, which is like your hypervigilance part. 484 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:24,800 Speaker 2: Okay, so you. 485 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:28,199 Speaker 3: Have to learn how to regulate your nervous system and 486 00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:31,439 Speaker 3: then when it goes ah, then you can start to 487 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:35,400 Speaker 3: like actually access your subconscious and like heeal these things, right, 488 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:40,240 Speaker 3: and so now my client and I can work on like, okay, like, 489 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:43,040 Speaker 3: first of all, let's talk to your daughter about like 490 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,480 Speaker 3: does she give a shit or is that making up? Right? 491 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:51,080 Speaker 3: Let's talk about with your fiance about how do you 492 00:25:51,119 --> 00:25:54,280 Speaker 3: buy a new house together where you feel psychologically and 493 00:25:54,359 --> 00:25:59,679 Speaker 3: financially safe? Right, And then we'll also talk about like, okay, 494 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:01,960 Speaker 3: why do you need to control? Right? And then we 495 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:05,840 Speaker 3: can go into her story about you know, being up 496 00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:09,600 Speaker 3: for adoption and being there too long, you know, before 497 00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:13,080 Speaker 3: she got adopted, and feeling abandoned and lonely in all 498 00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:16,200 Speaker 3: of these stories about like not being in control of herself. 499 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:20,040 Speaker 3: And we could do that because we cleared away right, 500 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:25,520 Speaker 3: all the stuff. Right, So I'm about choosing your thoughts, 501 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:30,240 Speaker 3: but you can't bullshit yourself. It doesn't work. It's not 502 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:31,800 Speaker 3: a long term strategy either. 503 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:43,199 Speaker 2: No, Okay, I have to talk about dating because I 504 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:46,600 Speaker 2: know aleanor we're going they're going to want this from you. 505 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:48,359 Speaker 2: We mentioned you wrote the book How to Find a 506 00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:51,959 Speaker 2: Quality Guy Without going on two hundred Dates, which I 507 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:54,760 Speaker 2: guarantee you is going to be purchased by all of 508 00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:57,280 Speaker 2: my friends and probably most of the listeners, because I 509 00:26:57,280 --> 00:26:59,960 Speaker 2: think that's the big complaint, right is people get on 510 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,080 Speaker 2: these dating apps. They feel like they're going on these 511 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:05,919 Speaker 2: dead end dates just over and over and over, and 512 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:08,400 Speaker 2: it's just not going anywhere. They're not finding the things 513 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:11,000 Speaker 2: that they want. So what do you think if you 514 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:14,720 Speaker 2: had to summarize for women, what's the biggest thing that's 515 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:16,159 Speaker 2: keeping them stuck in single? 516 00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:20,639 Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, you don't. I'm laughing because every single 517 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,000 Speaker 3: person I work with tells me this, Oh crap, I 518 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,480 Speaker 3: didn't really know I was doing literally everything wrong. 519 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:29,640 Speaker 2: Oh okay, well what does that mean though? 520 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:33,160 Speaker 3: Yeah? So okay, So first of all, we talked about 521 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:36,040 Speaker 3: your your Uh, you have to feel like you're enough, 522 00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:37,680 Speaker 3: you have to feel confident, you have to do the 523 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:40,080 Speaker 3: inner work right. So you have to really release the 524 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:44,320 Speaker 3: traumas and the hurts and all of those things, like most. 525 00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:46,000 Speaker 2: People, Okay, go ahead, Sorry, I. 526 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,440 Speaker 3: Was gonna say most people if I was going to 527 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:54,399 Speaker 3: say the most common emotional roadblock is that women are 528 00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:57,439 Speaker 3: emotionally unavailable and they don't realize it, so they're fully 529 00:27:57,480 --> 00:27:59,480 Speaker 3: attracting emotionally unavailable men. 530 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:03,320 Speaker 2: I completely agree, and that was also my experience. And 531 00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,919 Speaker 2: I wanted you just to tell the listeners when you say, 532 00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:09,160 Speaker 2: you have to go into why you have no self 533 00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:12,120 Speaker 2: worth or why you have all this man? Why why 534 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:14,439 Speaker 2: do we have to look at that? Because I'm the 535 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:16,080 Speaker 2: relationship that we want. 536 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:20,520 Speaker 3: Because because I call it leaking, you are leaking all 537 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:25,160 Speaker 3: of your beliefs and your fears and your disdain for men, 538 00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:28,280 Speaker 3: and your disdained for the apps and the last guy 539 00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:30,479 Speaker 3: who was such a douchebager, the guy you like who 540 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:34,160 Speaker 3: owes you five thousand dollars. Like there was an episode 541 00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:36,280 Speaker 3: of How I Met Your Mother like a million years ago, 542 00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,240 Speaker 3: and I think it was like Ted Moseby on a 543 00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:41,880 Speaker 3: date and behind it they had like all these suitcases 544 00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:43,920 Speaker 3: and trunks of all the baggage and he was just 545 00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:47,320 Speaker 3: saying all this like insane shit, and the date was 546 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:49,479 Speaker 3: doing the same thing, and I was like, that's exactly it. 547 00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:53,040 Speaker 3: You've pulled up to the date with like your luggage. 548 00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:54,680 Speaker 2: Yep, you know. 549 00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:59,440 Speaker 3: And so and so the thing is you will say 550 00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:01,840 Speaker 3: or men will say, and I've done man panels what 551 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:06,320 Speaker 3: I've had like women ask men why why? What is this? Yeah, 552 00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:12,440 Speaker 3: and what they'll say is it translate to lack of chemistry. Okay, 553 00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:16,360 Speaker 3: So that like that guarded, whether you're sitting like this 554 00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:18,880 Speaker 3: going prove to me you're not a jerk like everyone else, 555 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:21,880 Speaker 3: or you're going like but inside you're like, just are 556 00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:23,120 Speaker 3: you a jerk like everyone else? 557 00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:23,520 Speaker 2: Right? 558 00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:25,840 Speaker 3: It's leaking, right, and. 559 00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:28,720 Speaker 2: So that is like a wall yep. 560 00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:32,239 Speaker 3: And so there's no way you can create like the 561 00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:36,920 Speaker 3: spark the connection. If you're leaking. You're leaking, and there's 562 00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:40,760 Speaker 3: this like unconscious ten percent of you that doesn't feel enough, 563 00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:44,000 Speaker 3: that feels flawed, and so we have to like heal 564 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:48,160 Speaker 3: that part. So that like going into it, like I say, 565 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:49,960 Speaker 3: I have to crack people open and then putting them 566 00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:52,440 Speaker 3: back together like with their soul map like a whole 567 00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:54,800 Speaker 3: and not you don't want to date like a sixteen 568 00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:56,360 Speaker 3: year old, And that's kind of what most of us 569 00:29:56,360 --> 00:29:56,800 Speaker 3: are doing. 570 00:29:57,280 --> 00:30:01,840 Speaker 2: Isn't that wild? Because it's so unconscious that I think 571 00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:05,640 Speaker 2: if you said that to anyone about why they weren't 572 00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:08,840 Speaker 2: finding success in dating, immediately I can hear most of 573 00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:11,080 Speaker 2: my friends being like, no, it's because guys suck. And 574 00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:13,160 Speaker 2: I'm like, well, that statement right there is. 575 00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:17,560 Speaker 3: Probably exactly right, because that's what you need, that all 576 00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:18,800 Speaker 3: men suck. 577 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:19,400 Speaker 2: Yeah. 578 00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:22,920 Speaker 3: People also would ask me, Martie, where do I meet 579 00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:25,160 Speaker 3: the good guys? I'm like, oh my god, thanks for asking. 580 00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:27,600 Speaker 3: I have a key. Actually they're in a warehouse. It's 581 00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:32,040 Speaker 3: on the island. Like, but that question, actually, it's like 582 00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:34,640 Speaker 3: literally how many times have you heard it? It's the 583 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:36,640 Speaker 3: And I don't mean to be insulting, but it's the 584 00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:39,720 Speaker 3: dumbest question ever because it implies there's an answer. 585 00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:45,400 Speaker 2: Right, They're literally everywhere, I promise you, right. 586 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:50,320 Speaker 3: Yeah, Like someone said, like, uh, men are like real estate. 587 00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:54,120 Speaker 3: You know, the market is always changing and always and 588 00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:57,040 Speaker 3: new houses coming on the market literally every day. 589 00:30:57,080 --> 00:30:59,120 Speaker 2: It's true, But don't tell me. 590 00:30:59,040 --> 00:31:01,480 Speaker 3: Like there's no good men. You know what, Like five 591 00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:04,520 Speaker 3: weeks ago, some guy broke up with someone and now 592 00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:07,080 Speaker 3: he feels ready to date again. Five weeks ago, he 593 00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:09,720 Speaker 3: wasn't there, So there's always men coming on the market, 594 00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,440 Speaker 3: so your beliefs are leaking. The second biggest thing is 595 00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:17,760 Speaker 3: that if you are dating online, your profile is probably 596 00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:21,720 Speaker 3: a rec you're not standing out. Online dating is marketing 597 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:24,000 Speaker 3: and branding. You need to be in the top one percent. 598 00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:26,880 Speaker 3: So how do you actually write your profile? Not to 599 00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:30,360 Speaker 3: attract everyone, but to actually only attract the very high 600 00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:34,080 Speaker 3: level guys that you want. Most dating advice is written 601 00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:37,640 Speaker 3: for the average Jane. Most people listening here aren't, so 602 00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:41,160 Speaker 3: don't follow that advice. It's bad. You want to turn 603 00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:44,680 Speaker 3: off ninety percent of the guys right to be intimidating. 604 00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:49,520 Speaker 3: Have professional photos, the selfies, the ones of you and 605 00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:52,560 Speaker 3: Africa with the hot and the glasses with your four 606 00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:56,520 Speaker 3: besties where you're a dot. He doesn't care at all, 607 00:31:56,800 --> 00:31:58,960 Speaker 3: So you want to make sure your photos are great. 608 00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:01,320 Speaker 3: And then you want to have a strategy. You can 609 00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:03,920 Speaker 3: stay in your mask and energy until you're sitting across 610 00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:06,640 Speaker 3: from the date. It's very transactional at the beginning, so 611 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:09,000 Speaker 3: you need to have a strategy in a process so 612 00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:11,320 Speaker 3: that men have to jump through hoops without realizing that 613 00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:11,720 Speaker 3: they are. 614 00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:14,040 Speaker 2: Oh, tell us more about that. 615 00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:18,880 Speaker 3: Yeah, so my colleague Michael Seen and I collaborated on 616 00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:21,200 Speaker 3: this event. On this process, I call it the Mike 617 00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:24,680 Speaker 3: g Process in honor of him because he used to 618 00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:30,600 Speaker 3: work at Match Company, and yeah, he's really great at 619 00:32:30,640 --> 00:32:33,520 Speaker 3: Like you know, all these on dating companies are tech 620 00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:36,440 Speaker 3: companies news flash. If you didn't know that, that's right. 621 00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:38,280 Speaker 2: They are their businesses. 622 00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:40,680 Speaker 3: There and they're tech companies. So you have to work 623 00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:43,560 Speaker 3: with the tech. So one of the things is it's 624 00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:47,160 Speaker 3: like YouTube, right, you have to show the site what 625 00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:51,480 Speaker 3: you like. Most people go on there and they go, okay, 626 00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:55,600 Speaker 3: come to me, amazing man. I like to go on 627 00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:58,720 Speaker 3: the beach, I like to dress up, but I also 628 00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:01,360 Speaker 3: can go to black tie you know what I mean? 629 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:05,840 Speaker 3: I am okay, And then maybe like twenty seven guys 630 00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:09,440 Speaker 3: like you and ten of them ask you some weird, 631 00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:14,280 Speaker 3: inappropriate question and you go, this sucks. Yeah, So you 632 00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:19,240 Speaker 3: have to reach out and message men. Men usually don't 633 00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:22,840 Speaker 3: get messages their inboxes like really sad. It's like the 634 00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:24,840 Speaker 3: last It is like the little last piece of bread 635 00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:28,480 Speaker 3: in the in the role. And so when they get 636 00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:31,400 Speaker 3: a message and you're like, hey, how's your week going? 637 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:34,040 Speaker 3: Do you know what I mean? For drinks, they're like, what, right, 638 00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:36,200 Speaker 3: let me check this person out. They're going to read 639 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:40,120 Speaker 3: your profile, right. And then as you continue to reach out, 640 00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:44,320 Speaker 3: you are teaching the algorithm. You're teaching the company this 641 00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:48,560 Speaker 3: is who I like. Then a reciprocal thing. So if 642 00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:51,400 Speaker 3: you don't engage in the tech, it won't know what 643 00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:54,480 Speaker 3: you like, and it'll send you like horror movies. You know, 644 00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:58,200 Speaker 3: it'll send you stuff you don't want. So that is 645 00:33:58,240 --> 00:34:03,200 Speaker 3: a huge, huge piece that people don't know that you 646 00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:06,440 Speaker 3: have to engage with the with the apps, you have 647 00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:08,640 Speaker 3: to to have to ask guys out. That's what I'm saying. 648 00:34:08,640 --> 00:34:11,880 Speaker 3: Be in the masculine close the deal. I have a 649 00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:15,719 Speaker 3: client I'm working on this. She reaches out, they get 650 00:34:15,719 --> 00:34:17,279 Speaker 3: on the phone, they set up the date, and they go. 651 00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:19,160 Speaker 3: Some of the guys are like, oh, it's great, this 652 00:34:19,200 --> 00:34:21,600 Speaker 3: is great. I really I'd love to love to have 653 00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:24,680 Speaker 3: coffee with you. And she goes, that's amazing, and they go, 654 00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:26,439 Speaker 3: let me get a hold of let's let's talk later 655 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:29,440 Speaker 3: this week, and she goes, Okay, this was fun. Bye, 656 00:34:29,480 --> 00:34:31,680 Speaker 3: and then she's like, oh my god, I didn't seal 657 00:34:31,719 --> 00:34:35,440 Speaker 3: the deal, right okay, And I'm like, wait, you said 658 00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:38,200 Speaker 3: in your first message let's meet for coffee. And I 659 00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:41,359 Speaker 3: was like, why are you not saying great Friday or 660 00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:43,000 Speaker 3: Thursday Sunday? 661 00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:44,080 Speaker 2: Analyzing the plan? 662 00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:47,960 Speaker 3: Gotta be the CEO. You've got to borrow Evan Marquatz, 663 00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:50,399 Speaker 3: you got to like get you got to seal the deal. 664 00:34:50,600 --> 00:34:53,000 Speaker 3: And so she was like, oh crap, I will. And 665 00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:55,240 Speaker 3: then there was some stuff going on about not wanting 666 00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:58,840 Speaker 3: to be masculine and never you know, ask men on 667 00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:02,480 Speaker 3: a date. So well that's a really really really huge 668 00:35:02,719 --> 00:35:06,839 Speaker 3: huge piece. And then the last piece is like when 669 00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:10,279 Speaker 3: you go on dates, men are nervous, and I think 670 00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:14,719 Speaker 3: you need to rule them in before you rule them out, 671 00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:18,399 Speaker 3: and they let them, let them rule themselves out. They 672 00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:19,640 Speaker 3: will if you let them. 673 00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:22,120 Speaker 2: What do you mean by that? Just by based on 674 00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:26,400 Speaker 2: their behavior they might not be aligned? Well further you 675 00:35:26,480 --> 00:35:28,720 Speaker 2: let that. Yeah. 676 00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:31,000 Speaker 3: Yeah, So like let's just take this client that I'm 677 00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:33,840 Speaker 3: talking about. So she fixed this was before she fixed 678 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:37,760 Speaker 3: her problem following up, so she made the she didn't 679 00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:39,680 Speaker 3: make the plan. The guy kicked the can down the 680 00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:42,120 Speaker 3: road and he was like, she was like Thursday or Saturday, 681 00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:45,239 Speaker 3: and he said Thursday could work. And then by noon 682 00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:47,520 Speaker 3: she hadn't heard from him. You know, so I told 683 00:35:47,560 --> 00:35:50,239 Speaker 3: her to just be like hey, and she was like, hey, 684 00:35:50,840 --> 00:35:52,560 Speaker 3: I know we talked about getting together. I just want 685 00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:54,520 Speaker 3: to let you know I have plans. I'm still free 686 00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:57,280 Speaker 3: Sunday would love to get together. It's not too masking. 687 00:35:57,320 --> 00:35:58,879 Speaker 3: You're like, dude, are you in or are you out? 688 00:35:58,920 --> 00:36:02,880 Speaker 3: Like literally just okay. So he wrote back and he's like, oh, 689 00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:05,080 Speaker 3: I'm so sorry I did get back to you. I 690 00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:07,080 Speaker 3: was just I have this friend so flakey, like he 691 00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:10,120 Speaker 3: was very nice and he had a great reason, but 692 00:36:10,239 --> 00:36:15,440 Speaker 3: he still didn't say yes Saturday works. So I said 693 00:36:15,480 --> 00:36:18,920 Speaker 3: to my client, I'm like, just be like great, looking 694 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:22,840 Speaker 3: forward to connecting. Like he'll either do it or he won't. 695 00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:28,160 Speaker 3: Totally who cares. He's like your rejection proof. It's not 696 00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:31,080 Speaker 3: about you. So you could see like rather than should 697 00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:32,799 Speaker 3: rune it back? Oh my god, what if? Because she 698 00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:35,160 Speaker 3: thinks he's cute and I had a great phone conversation. Right, 699 00:36:35,680 --> 00:36:37,440 Speaker 3: But instead of being like I don't know what should 700 00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:39,640 Speaker 3: I do? What she really is and he's bad, I'm like, 701 00:36:40,680 --> 00:36:43,480 Speaker 3: he's like question mark, let him see it. Does he 702 00:36:43,520 --> 00:36:46,359 Speaker 3: rule himself in or does he rule himself out? That's 703 00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:48,719 Speaker 3: why you have to have this to how hard conversations, 704 00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:53,759 Speaker 3: you know, so men will rule themselves out, like at 705 00:36:53,880 --> 00:36:56,640 Speaker 3: least sixty percent of the time, so you rule them 706 00:36:56,680 --> 00:36:59,520 Speaker 3: in because dates are awkward. 707 00:37:01,080 --> 00:37:03,680 Speaker 2: I also, I think one of the main things that 708 00:37:03,760 --> 00:37:05,960 Speaker 2: helped me was that it's like that Mile Angelou quote 709 00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:08,960 Speaker 2: where she's like, people show you who they are, believe them. 710 00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:09,719 Speaker 3: Yeah. 711 00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:12,840 Speaker 2: I realized in my dating before I got with my 712 00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:16,960 Speaker 2: current boyfriend, I did not want to accept who people were, 713 00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:21,240 Speaker 2: like it was and you don't write like you're literally 714 00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:23,480 Speaker 2: looking at dating and you meet a guy who has 715 00:37:23,520 --> 00:37:26,080 Speaker 2: the potential, which I think is very common with women, 716 00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:29,600 Speaker 2: but we're not actually listening to what they're saying. And 717 00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:33,200 Speaker 2: when I started actually listening, dating got so much easier. 718 00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:35,319 Speaker 2: I do think I went in from the place of 719 00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:39,200 Speaker 2: having more self worth too, because when you lose everything, 720 00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:42,239 Speaker 2: you kind of feel like, okay, like I survived and 721 00:37:42,280 --> 00:37:44,359 Speaker 2: I'm still here, so like this shit is not going 722 00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:46,880 Speaker 2: to get me worked off, Like I know I'll be 723 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:50,120 Speaker 2: good either way. So there was that going into it, 724 00:37:50,360 --> 00:37:52,759 Speaker 2: but then I just really started to pay attention, and 725 00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:56,239 Speaker 2: so I think it was believing, Okay, there is good 726 00:37:56,239 --> 00:37:58,440 Speaker 2: men out there. I had to start believing that, and 727 00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:01,440 Speaker 2: that immediately almost like up leveled the men that were 728 00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:04,360 Speaker 2: being shown to me. If once I started having that belief, 729 00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:08,160 Speaker 2: then my self worth was more intact. And then I 730 00:38:08,200 --> 00:38:10,839 Speaker 2: just started paying attention to the truth and not even 731 00:38:10,880 --> 00:38:13,360 Speaker 2: being pissed about it when it didn't line up with 732 00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:16,839 Speaker 2: what I wanted it to be, just accepting it and saying, yeah, 733 00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:18,839 Speaker 2: we're just on different journeys, like that's just not going 734 00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:20,799 Speaker 2: to work for me, and then poof, I'm in the 735 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:22,480 Speaker 2: best relationship of my life now. 736 00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:24,040 Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I love that. 737 00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:26,719 Speaker 2: Yeah, so I think it really does work all these 738 00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:29,120 Speaker 2: things that you're saying, like, there is something to that, 739 00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:31,480 Speaker 2: And I want one more question. I wanted to ask 740 00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:35,440 Speaker 2: you mentioned women being more emotionally unavailable than they believe. 741 00:38:35,800 --> 00:38:37,680 Speaker 2: What is that and what does that look like? 742 00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:41,319 Speaker 3: Yeah, thanks for asking that. Emotionally and available means that 743 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:43,640 Speaker 3: you say you want a relationship, there's a part of 744 00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:46,160 Speaker 3: you that it has a little yellow police tape around 745 00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:51,080 Speaker 3: your heart, and you're with men that don't require you 746 00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:54,680 Speaker 3: to let your guard down because there's an intellectual, rational 747 00:38:54,719 --> 00:38:57,200 Speaker 3: part of you that knows that they're not safe. So 748 00:38:57,360 --> 00:38:59,840 Speaker 3: how do you know if you're unavailable? I always do 749 00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:03,600 Speaker 3: like a dating inventory, like okay. You know, like, well, 750 00:39:03,640 --> 00:39:07,960 Speaker 3: my last boyfriend lived out of state. My boyfriend he 751 00:39:08,080 --> 00:39:11,120 Speaker 3: like worked all the time. My boyfriend before that, he 752 00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:15,040 Speaker 3: kind of was an alcoholic my boyfriend, right, Like all 753 00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:19,880 Speaker 3: these behaviors that say I'm unavailable, right, like not present, 754 00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:24,000 Speaker 3: you're not emotionally there, you can't connect. And I'll be like, oh, 755 00:39:24,080 --> 00:39:27,200 Speaker 3: so when I hear that, I'm like, oh, she's emotionally unavailable. 756 00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:29,680 Speaker 3: Or the guy you're always getting the guys that are 757 00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:34,680 Speaker 3: like it's not you, it's me, you know, like the workaholics, 758 00:39:34,719 --> 00:39:39,439 Speaker 3: the whatever. And so there's a smart ass girl that's like, Okay, 759 00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:42,600 Speaker 3: I'm not getting involved in this guy, like something doesn't 760 00:39:42,600 --> 00:39:43,240 Speaker 3: feel safe. 761 00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:46,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, so even though we know also more than that. 762 00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:50,560 Speaker 3: Yeah, but some people don't know their yeah okay, right, 763 00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:53,640 Speaker 3: and so they're like, oh, why don't this Why can't 764 00:39:53,680 --> 00:39:55,719 Speaker 3: I get this guy to like me? Right? Yeah? The 765 00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:58,840 Speaker 3: thing is you're shopping at Walmart and you should go 766 00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:00,800 Speaker 3: to Tiffany's. And the the only way you get the 767 00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:03,360 Speaker 3: key or the purse or the credit card to Tiffany's 768 00:40:03,719 --> 00:40:07,280 Speaker 3: is when you're emotionally available, when you're willing to open 769 00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:11,360 Speaker 3: up and be vulnerable and let your heart get broken 770 00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:14,040 Speaker 3: again because it was worth it, because you know you're 771 00:40:14,080 --> 00:40:18,200 Speaker 3: worth Then you start to attract way better men, and 772 00:40:18,239 --> 00:40:21,640 Speaker 3: it's crazy the guys that you used to think were 773 00:40:21,719 --> 00:40:24,560 Speaker 3: so hot and so great. The man crack I call 774 00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:27,640 Speaker 3: it all of a sudden, like you're just like, oh god, 775 00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:29,680 Speaker 3: I can't believe I liked that person or I was 776 00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:31,640 Speaker 3: obsessed with that guy or used to like that. 777 00:40:31,880 --> 00:40:32,000 Speaker 1: Oh. 778 00:40:32,120 --> 00:40:35,400 Speaker 3: It just it feels like it feels like so almost 779 00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:37,480 Speaker 3: like you have lost a limb because you know, like 780 00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:39,960 Speaker 3: you used to fall for that guy and now you don't. 781 00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:42,520 Speaker 3: And so it's a very cool experience. When I see 782 00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:44,839 Speaker 3: my clients or the ex cop, they always come back, 783 00:40:44,880 --> 00:40:45,440 Speaker 3: you know, when you. 784 00:40:45,680 --> 00:40:49,000 Speaker 2: For sure yeah, and they're like ew oh, it's so 785 00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:52,640 Speaker 2: embarrassing almost to look back, like what was I doing? 786 00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:53,920 Speaker 3: Yeah? 787 00:40:54,239 --> 00:40:57,239 Speaker 2: Yeah. So if someone is listening and they feel just 788 00:40:57,320 --> 00:41:00,000 Speaker 2: so stuck in their love life, what would you say, 789 00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:03,200 Speaker 2: say is the first place to start? I would realize 790 00:41:03,360 --> 00:41:07,640 Speaker 2: that stuck is an illusion of your mind. Okay, And 791 00:41:07,719 --> 00:41:10,920 Speaker 2: so it feels like you're stuck. But what if you're 792 00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:14,520 Speaker 2: actually ready for your big breakthrough? What if dating is 793 00:41:14,560 --> 00:41:16,400 Speaker 2: actually going to be your ski accident? 794 00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:18,319 Speaker 3: Right? What if it's going to be the thing that 795 00:41:18,440 --> 00:41:21,520 Speaker 3: actually because you claim that you want it, you're willing 796 00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:25,040 Speaker 3: to do the deep work and actually take it seriously 797 00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:27,760 Speaker 3: and figure it out, because it sounds like for you, 798 00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:30,879 Speaker 3: you know, you started doing the work, and you started right, 799 00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:33,200 Speaker 3: And so I think everyone has to find their thing. 800 00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:37,680 Speaker 3: And so how we see ourselves is only in the 801 00:41:37,719 --> 00:41:42,080 Speaker 3: context of the consciousness we have. And if you zoom 802 00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:46,680 Speaker 3: way out right and you knew that, like down the 803 00:41:46,760 --> 00:41:49,520 Speaker 3: road six months, a year, whatever, you're in the most 804 00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:54,160 Speaker 3: amazing relationship. You're not stuck. You're actually like getting ready. 805 00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:56,480 Speaker 3: You're like exactly where you need to be. To be 806 00:41:56,600 --> 00:42:00,879 Speaker 3: so frustrated that you do something different, because I don't 807 00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:04,480 Speaker 3: want your listeners to keep trying harder at what already 808 00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:09,320 Speaker 3: is not working. Yea, that's that is a waste of time. Yeah, 809 00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:13,239 Speaker 3: that's insanity. You know the Einstein quote. And so what 810 00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:15,120 Speaker 3: if I'm not stuck? What if I just need to 811 00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:17,719 Speaker 3: actually take it seriously and get ready. Yeah, but if 812 00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:19,920 Speaker 3: it's a me problem, we just started to getting blaming 813 00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:23,680 Speaker 3: everyone else. What if it's actually me. I'm in control 814 00:42:23,719 --> 00:42:26,120 Speaker 3: of me. I can change everything that I want to 815 00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:29,840 Speaker 3: to be more of me, And you're empowered, you're not stuck. 816 00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:33,040 Speaker 2: And with that statement, than what if it's me? It's like, 817 00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:36,920 Speaker 2: it doesn't doesn't negate that those guys that are not 818 00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:39,240 Speaker 2: showing up for you or whatever like that doesn't negate 819 00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:42,319 Speaker 2: that that's not an okay behavior. No, why do you 820 00:42:42,440 --> 00:42:44,440 Speaker 2: keep showing up for it? Is the question? Or why 821 00:42:44,480 --> 00:42:46,560 Speaker 2: do you keep ending up with the same type of guy? 822 00:42:46,680 --> 00:42:48,759 Speaker 2: Like that's the way it when you go what if 823 00:42:48,760 --> 00:42:51,120 Speaker 2: it's me, that's the stuff to start looking at. 824 00:42:51,480 --> 00:42:55,040 Speaker 3: Yeah, my favorite line is just you know, we talked 825 00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:58,880 Speaker 3: about radical honesty. Yeah, I'm the common denominator in all 826 00:42:58,920 --> 00:42:59,960 Speaker 3: my failed relationship. 827 00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:03,360 Speaker 2: It's the truth. It's a harsh truth, but it is 828 00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:04,000 Speaker 2: the truth. 829 00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:07,680 Speaker 3: Right when I say that, people are like, ooh, busted, 830 00:43:07,760 --> 00:43:11,719 Speaker 3: hate love you? Right, But that's that's true, and that's 831 00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:14,680 Speaker 3: true for everything. You know, Like we can only change ourselves. 832 00:43:14,719 --> 00:43:16,640 Speaker 3: That's the power that we have. So how can we? 833 00:43:16,800 --> 00:43:18,839 Speaker 3: And it doesn't mean you're broken or flawed. It means that, 834 00:43:19,440 --> 00:43:21,160 Speaker 3: as I said at the beginning, there's these parts of 835 00:43:21,200 --> 00:43:24,680 Speaker 3: you that have been hurt and frustrated and damaged, and 836 00:43:24,719 --> 00:43:27,200 Speaker 3: you've lost your voice, and you've lost yourself earth and 837 00:43:27,239 --> 00:43:30,279 Speaker 3: you've lost so many things. Now it's time to like 838 00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:33,359 Speaker 3: gather that all back up and put that in fill 839 00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:36,360 Speaker 3: your cup and put that into dating and love yourself, 840 00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:38,920 Speaker 3: have a strategy and become rejection proof. 841 00:43:39,160 --> 00:43:41,279 Speaker 2: Well, we mentioned the two books today that we were 842 00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:43,719 Speaker 2: talking about your Radical Living Challenge and how to find 843 00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:46,120 Speaker 2: a quality guy without going on two hundred dates. So 844 00:43:46,160 --> 00:43:48,319 Speaker 2: I'll put that in the description of the podcast for 845 00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:50,800 Speaker 2: you guys. If people want to work with you, Marnie, 846 00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:51,879 Speaker 2: where would they find you? 847 00:43:52,320 --> 00:43:57,320 Speaker 3: They best go to Marniebattista dot com and it's M 848 00:43:57,320 --> 00:43:59,920 Speaker 3: A R and I be A T T I STA. 849 00:44:00,760 --> 00:44:02,759 Speaker 3: Or they can take my quiz, which is Decode your 850 00:44:02,760 --> 00:44:07,040 Speaker 3: Destinyquiz dot com, which will actually show you where you 851 00:44:07,080 --> 00:44:09,080 Speaker 3: are right now with your heartset and your mindset to 852 00:44:09,120 --> 00:44:10,360 Speaker 3: see what your destiny will be. 853 00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:12,760 Speaker 2: That sounds like a really good place to start. 854 00:44:12,960 --> 00:44:14,920 Speaker 3: Yeah, Decode your Destiny Quiz dot com. 855 00:44:15,040 --> 00:44:16,960 Speaker 2: Okay, well, I'll put both of those in the description 856 00:44:17,000 --> 00:44:19,399 Speaker 2: of the podcast for you guys. Again, Thank you so much. 857 00:44:19,480 --> 00:44:21,880 Speaker 2: I loved this conversation so fun and I'm. 858 00:44:21,760 --> 00:44:24,440 Speaker 3: So happy for you. Good, thank you, amazing. 859 00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:27,200 Speaker 2: Thank you guys for listening. 860 00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:30,840 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to the Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson, 861 00:44:31,040 --> 00:44:33,520 Speaker 1: where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a 862 00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:37,720 Speaker 1: little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty 863 00:44:37,760 --> 00:44:41,480 Speaker 1: and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.