Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Listen. I watched the news
Speaker 1: for three reasons, weather, traffic, and Michael Straighthand's sexy ass mouth. Uh,
Speaker 1: you gotta blur that out. You can't show that sexy
Speaker 1: hole on TV. You know. I'm trying to ruin a
Speaker 1: TV show man set. But every time I turn on
Speaker 1: the news, there's one thing I see more than anything.
Speaker 1: Men losing their ship. Another shocking incident on a plane
Speaker 1: as two passengers duke it out right before takeoff. A
Speaker 1: man went on a bottle breaking rampage. Store workers say
Speaker 1: a customer and God, I rate when they refused to
Speaker 1: sell him liquor at a discount. It's a shocking road
Speaker 1: rage incident going viral. These two knuckleheads are fighting like
Speaker 1: medieval knights in battle. Why does every guy think if
Speaker 1: he gets a sword in his hand, he's gonna automatically
Speaker 1: be Steven Seagal, But when he actually gets it in
Speaker 1: his hand, he's like Jerry Lewis, I'm gonna I did Lady.
Speaker 1: It's crazy though. This stuff is happening all the time
Speaker 1: every night on the news. Let's the hope has to
Speaker 1: shout wild Star, and it's all because a man who
Speaker 1: can't control their anger. Man, why are you so mad?
Speaker 1: You need the com y'all after down? But since you
Speaker 1: can't do it yourselves, I decide I'm gonna help you
Speaker 1: calm down. Into night's installment of Long Story Short. Now,
Speaker 1: we know that women are going through it, but we
Speaker 1: have to acknowledge that men are going through it too.
Speaker 1: You guys are angry, you're depressed, and you're lonely. In fact,
Speaker 1: of men say they have zero zero friends and the
Speaker 1: other they don't have friends either, but they was too
Speaker 1: sad to feel out the surveyor no friends. I mean,
Speaker 1: women got our problems, but we always have some home girls.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. You got them, you know,
Speaker 1: but me and they have nobody. So what do they do.
Speaker 1: They take all of those emotions and they bottle that
Speaker 1: ship up and then they throw that bottle at the cashier. Now,
Speaker 1: luckily there's a tool that can help you with all
Speaker 1: of this Falliby therapy is amazing. You pay someone to
Speaker 1: unload all your bullshit on them. They're like prostitutes for
Speaker 1: the feelings. The problem is men don't use it. In fact,
Speaker 1: they're almost half as likely to go to therapy as
Speaker 1: women men out here treating therapy like Nick Cannon treats condoms.
Speaker 1: They're here to help you, Nick, Why won't you use them?
Speaker 1: God damn it, God damn as. The question is why
Speaker 1: won't you men go to therapy? And I think the
Speaker 1: same reason you won't eat a popsicle in front of anybody,
Speaker 1: because you're scared they'll think you a little bitch. Therapy
Speaker 1: works for women, but it does not work for men.
Speaker 1: Sitting around talking about your feelings isn't gonna do it
Speaker 1: for you. How you feel, Go to the gym, lift heavyweights.
Speaker 1: Be a man. Therapy is no action. Therapy is sitting
Speaker 1: and crying and complaining. Do you feel depressed, you go
Speaker 1: to the gym, you do something, you don't sit and
Speaker 1: cry about it. Oh Andrew take rank. You just arrested
Speaker 1: for selling bitches. If anybody needs therapy, is this neck
Speaker 1: and ass hot dog? So and let's this be a
Speaker 1: man ship? What do you think being a man is,
Speaker 1: because it's not what women think it is. Being a
Speaker 1: man means taking care of your mental health. That's as
Speaker 1: much as you take care of your physical health. Okay,
Speaker 1: these dudes will use everything else for therapy except actual therapy.
Speaker 1: They're like, running is my therapy. No, running is running
Speaker 1: therapy needs to be your therapy. Everyone, I mean, everyone
Speaker 1: I know who does a marathon is uck. If they
Speaker 1: were at peace, they wouldn't be running until they pissed themselves.
Speaker 1: And I'm saying that's at all. What's the next looks
Speaker 1: like everybody else? But we know what I mean? Is
Speaker 1: this way because starting from a young age, we cheat
Speaker 1: them that they can't have feelings. We were taught at
Speaker 1: a really young age, don't cry, have no fear. When
Speaker 1: you cry, does it make you feel like a failure?
Speaker 1: Oh there's that. That's a sense of sitting there going
Speaker 1: why am I crying? I shouldn't be crying about this.
Speaker 1: There was this one time I was with my friend
Speaker 1: just just looked at me, started crying. He just said
Speaker 1: I think I just need a hug, and I hugged him,
Speaker 1: and afterwards we both looked at each other and we're like,
Speaker 1: we're never gonna say anything to anyone that's sad. Y'all
Speaker 1: see that, y'all see what y'all? Men? I teaching these
Speaker 1: young boys that you know what you know what I
Speaker 1: need to men? The hug right now, right right, yeah,
Speaker 1: this that makes me feel like I got power. But
Speaker 1: but I hug that's what men want to keep private.
Speaker 1: But y'all air dropped your dick picks to a stranger
Speaker 1: on the upweight whas. But look, if men's issues only
Speaker 1: affected themselves, I stay the hell out their business. But
Speaker 1: the problem here is that men not going to therapy
Speaker 1: is affecting women. Okay, Depressed men are more likely to
Speaker 1: commit domestic violence, They're more likely to commit abuse. Plus,
Speaker 1: instead of going to the therapists, they're using dates like therapy. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: every woman in here knows what I'm talking about. Some
Speaker 1: dude you just met on tender telling you about how
Speaker 1: his dad loves his brother Moore, Well, give me your
Speaker 1: brother's number, then maybe I like him better too, Because
Speaker 1: this is not making me horny. You definitely should talk
Speaker 1: to someone, but a professional, not me. And what's messed
Speaker 1: up is even if the date goes well, guess what,
Speaker 1: Men with depression are twice as likely to have problems
Speaker 1: what they did. We shouldn't be a surprised. If you're depressed,
Speaker 1: your dick is gonna be sad too. If you if
Speaker 1: you're walking around miserable, your dick is also Gonna be
Speaker 1: Like Swing Sweet Chairy on Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen.
Speaker 1: If you like those songs, you can check out my
Speaker 1: playlist Sad Dick on Spotify. So long story, short Man,
Speaker 1: go to explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast
Speaker 1: universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcast.
Speaker 1: Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven tenth Central long
Speaker 1: Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plucks.
Speaker 1: This has been a Comedy Central podcast