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Speaker 1: Tender date shoots something in my mouth that I wasn't

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Speaker 1: ready for.

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Speaker 2: I mean the questions, the questions.

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Speaker 3: I mean like I can think of a couple of

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Speaker 3: things that might be you know, I think I can

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Speaker 3: think of one specific thing that might be a grape.

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Speaker 3: A grape.

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Speaker 1: You know, when you put a grape in your listen,

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Speaker 1: you go. Now, why did this post blow up?

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Speaker 2: Well?

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Speaker 1: I don't have a sausage, no dang alang, no dong.

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Speaker 2: Not here.

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Speaker 3: Ah, it's a girl.

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Speaker 2: Why did this post blow up?

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Speaker 1: Well, I don't have a sausage, no egg plant, no

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Speaker 1: ding dong. So number one hindsight is twenty twenty. There's

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Speaker 1: no honorary. This happened a few weeks ago. I'm sitting

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Speaker 1: in a cafe parking lot trying to figure out what

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Speaker 1: the f just happened last night. So background information. I

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Speaker 1: downloaded tender to give men another go.

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Speaker 3: Hey, give us another go. I swear we're not all bad.

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Speaker 2: That's right, that one didn't fait. Let's try that one

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Speaker 2: over there? What more man for you? Check out? O?

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Speaker 2: Here you hear you extra pace soul? Now, maybe if.

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Speaker 1: I adjust my age range and find someone a little

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Speaker 1: older than me, I'll find someone who's better than average

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Speaker 1: to a mattress mambo with. Now here's where Kyle comes

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Speaker 1: into play.

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Speaker 3: Kyle Kyle.

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Speaker 2: We've been talking for a week.

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Speaker 1: East coast, transplant country, ish, truck driving, tattooed, physically fit,

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Speaker 1: well groomed, and busy with his career doing things kind

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Speaker 1: of guy. The second half of the descriptors are my type.

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Speaker 1: I know, I know, but your girl is desperate.

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Speaker 3: Why she's desperate?

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Speaker 2: Who knows?

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Speaker 3: Hopefully Reddit came in and just flooded her up.

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Speaker 1: Yeah for real. He's also a veteran. We get along

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Speaker 1: over text fun friendly banter.

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Speaker 3: We love fun and friendly banter. Oh yeah, John and

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Speaker 3: I have that all the time.

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Speaker 2: Oh dude, We're just next and.

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Speaker 1: Just text peaches and eggs, plants and other things for

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Speaker 1: our recipe for salad.

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Speaker 3: Hot take. Yes, banana emoji better than the egg plant emoji.

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Speaker 2: That's a very very reasonable take. I think.

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Speaker 1: I I do wonder unless up, maybe maybe maybe the

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Speaker 1: girth of the average man is more than.

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Speaker 3: Right now, but an egg plant, Yeah, I got it.

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Speaker 3: I'm more of a cantelope kind of guy.

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Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, just straight circle. We've also FaceTime a few

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Speaker 1: times and generally seem to vibe.

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Speaker 3: Vibe away VI, I'm away.

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Speaker 1: Maybe further into the week, our conversation gets really flirty.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, take off this ship, John, I'm getting I'm getting steamed, right.

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Speaker 1: We have similar interest in the mention of a safe

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Speaker 1: word comes up, green flag.

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Speaker 3: I'm okay with that, Damn okay.

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Speaker 1: We both live a little bit outside of big city,

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Speaker 1: so we get a hotel and meet up in the city.

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Speaker 3: In the city, looking pretty dad.

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Speaker 1: About to go down. I am more familiar with the

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Speaker 1: city than Kyle is. I've parked, and I go to

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Speaker 1: meet him, and we find a place for him to

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Speaker 1: leave his truck. Now at this point, I've parked and

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Speaker 1: I go to meet him, and we find a place

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Speaker 1: for him to leave his truck.

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Speaker 2: And then he asked me to get his peace his weapon.

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Speaker 3: Damn this boy country.

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Speaker 1: So he asked me to grab it from the glove

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Speaker 1: box while he's making sure everything is in his back.

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Speaker 3: I feel like that's a subtle flex. That's a that's

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Speaker 3: a weird flex, that's a that's a strange one.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Also to ask some I feel like asking someone

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Speaker 1: else to grab that is maybe not the best.

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Speaker 3: Maybe he's like, oh, I trust you with my life.

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Speaker 2: But yeah, I am that would be a plot twist

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Speaker 2: in this read his story.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, now, I live in a state where concealed carry

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Speaker 1: is pretty normal, and he comes from.

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Speaker 2: A similar place as well.

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Speaker 1: So this wasn't weird to me, but it feels relevant

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Speaker 1: to the story down south here in a good old

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Speaker 1: southern so Ko, Californy. Yeah, a, we we don't do

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Speaker 1: concealed carries. We're not carrying as much any time.

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Speaker 3: No, we don't. The only thing we carry is our

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Speaker 3: Whole Foods grocery bag. That's right now.

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Speaker 1: I jokingly said, I don't want my fingerprints on your piece,

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Speaker 1: as I handed it to him so slowly, only touching

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Speaker 1: the sleeve it was in. I hope He jokingly said,

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Speaker 1: this is not my burner weapon.

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Speaker 3: What does that mean?

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Speaker 1: That means it's like a burner phone, Like this is

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Speaker 1: this is the decoy Yike's number.

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Speaker 3: One red flag bro red flag. Yeah, this is my

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Speaker 3: decoy for when I am alive. People.

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Speaker 1: Now on our way to the bar, the sidewalk has

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Speaker 1: packed and we're trying to get indoors. Kyle touched the

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Speaker 1: back of this guy and said, hey, excuse me. As

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Speaker 1: I watched by the man that Kyle touched the man says, don't.

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Speaker 2: Touch me over good.

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Speaker 3: I hate those guys in bars, so dumb dude, like

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Speaker 3: it's a crowded place, you're gonna get.

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Speaker 1: You're just I'm just trying to get to get around.

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Speaker 1: We're just trying to move around. So what do they

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Speaker 1: do when they got to move around? Now Kyle turns

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Speaker 1: around and yells, well, then don't stand in the f

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Speaker 1: and way.

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Speaker 2: Now we get food and two drinks.

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Speaker 1: Where I realized that Kyle has a little more toxic

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Speaker 1: gender roles and more conservative than I previously realized.

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Speaker 3: I mean, man has a gun and is getting agro

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Speaker 3: in the bar with a dude.

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Speaker 1: You never know, maybe there is a like the most

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Speaker 1: communists you've ever met, just like whipping out the aks.

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Speaker 2: You never know.

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Speaker 3: Well, they do say the manifesto is like take up

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Speaker 3: arms against the priletariat.

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Speaker 1: So now this isn't a big deal. I love a

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Speaker 1: little red dead redemption.

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Speaker 2: Honestly. Ope, I'm getting a little red flags from you.

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Speaker 2: I don't know, I don't know.

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Speaker 3: I feel like you're seeing these signs and totally ignoring them. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: you're you're you're picking up all these red flags and

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Speaker 3: then just toss them out of sight.

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Speaker 1: He has a decoy gun. No, he's like randomly yelling

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Speaker 1: in people for no reason.

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Speaker 3: Oh.

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Speaker 1: He goes on to say, this man could still have

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Speaker 1: a comeback. He could come back.

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Speaker 3: Yet, you know, with with him shooting random things in

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Speaker 3: your mouth.

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Speaker 2: So you know. So we head home after getting some

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Speaker 2: drinks and dinner.

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Speaker 3: Who okay, here we go heading home home on the range. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: you cane park that car.

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Speaker 2: In my garage.

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Speaker 1: Oh yes, you can open my door and come inside it.

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Speaker 1: You can open my sheets and slide your sausage shaped body.

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Speaker 3: Into it, sausage shaped body.

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Speaker 2: We're running out of analogies. So we get home.

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Speaker 1: We turn on the TV and we're sitting on Netflix

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Speaker 1: and chill and pretty much lots of heavy petting, heavy

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Speaker 1: petting like a dog like. Yes, but that turns into kissing,

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Speaker 1: and that turns into making babies.

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Speaker 3: Oh baby, yeah.

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Speaker 1: Take me through that spin cycle. Now, this man and

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Speaker 1: I go for rounds. Imagine a ping pong game and

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Speaker 1: no body is finish, but we just keep tying the game.

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Speaker 1: Someone's got to win by two deuce. The love making

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Speaker 1: is good, the fun times are good. No safe word

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Speaker 1: has been dropped. It's just casual, good, two frisky people

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Speaker 1: doing it.

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Speaker 3: Wow, they're really going into detail there now.

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Speaker 1: I think we started around eleven thirty and the third

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Speaker 1: round ended at like one twenty am. Damn Okay, after

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Speaker 1: the water break, fourth round revs into action and everything

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Speaker 1: is going just fine.

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Speaker 3: Geez, how are their parts not raw?

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Speaker 2: Four times?

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Speaker 3: Maybe maybe they're looped up, you know, mae, maybe maybe

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Speaker 3: maybe like a newborn babe.

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Speaker 2: You never know.

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Speaker 1: Now, I'm gonna try and be as detailed as possible

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Speaker 1: without giving up two information, Opie, Please be as down

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Speaker 1: on the details a little bit.

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Speaker 3: He's gonna be a fan fiction novel very soon. Seriously,

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Speaker 3: Slade and Harry Potter into this. Damn you got yourself

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Speaker 3: an award winning Internet post.

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Speaker 2: Then the hippogriff walks in the room. Oh boy, all

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Speaker 2: bets are off.

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Speaker 1: This man is standing up and I'm laying on my

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Speaker 1: back on the couch going down on him. He's clearly

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Speaker 1: enjoying it. I can hear and physically tell now, I

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Speaker 1: kid you not. I don't know how to say this.

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Speaker 1: I don't know how to type these words out.

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Speaker 3: Tell me, tell me what goes down.

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Speaker 2: This man takes a week WII in my mouth.

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Speaker 3: Not the salty snacks she was expecting.

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Speaker 2: You know, that's that's not what we asked for.

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Speaker 3: That is not you know, we're not on a deserted

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Speaker 3: boat in the middle of the ocean trying to survive

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Speaker 3: off the water that we have on board, so we

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Speaker 3: need to recycle the liquids in our body. No, this

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Speaker 3: is the city where we have access to water.

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Speaker 2: There's tap right over there.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, come on, come on, in a survival situation.

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Speaker 1: I literally got up, spit it everywhere and not this time,

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Speaker 1: and I asked him what the f Then he laughed.

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Speaker 3: He laughed, He laughed. Dude, she didn't say the safe

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Speaker 3: word though.

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Speaker 2: He didn't say the safe word.

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Speaker 3: Well, the person that feels unsafe says the safe word, yeah, as.

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Speaker 2: Her mouth is full of urine.

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Speaker 1: Good God, Kyle says something to the effect of I

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Speaker 1: like doing things that you know will catch people off

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Speaker 1: God a little bit.

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Speaker 3: That's not the kind of off guard that you want, though.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 1: I like to give you a little curveball every once

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Speaker 1: in a while, you know, shake things up a little bit.

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Speaker 1: Come on, after that, the night is ruined. I go

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Speaker 1: shower alone, and it's obvious that I'm like he's still there.

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Speaker 2: She's taking a shower there. Oh no, I mean I

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Speaker 2: kind of would take a shower too. Well, yeah, do

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Speaker 2: you want to get that. I want to do that

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Speaker 2: before I believe.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, but still like, yeah, so awkward.

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Speaker 2: And at this point it's obvious I'm not into him.

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Speaker 3: I go to bed with him, or it's she at home.

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Speaker 1: Either way, they're they're sharing the same sharing the same bed.

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Speaker 1: Here I go into bed and this man snores like

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Speaker 1: an effing chainsaw. Now you're asking why don't you get

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Speaker 1: the f up and run away in this moment?

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Speaker 3: That you should?

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Speaker 2: That is a question we are asking.

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Speaker 3: Yes, please please tell us why.

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Speaker 1: Let us know the culmination of red flags made it

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Speaker 1: feel safer to stay and get the heck out later.

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Speaker 3: Hey, I guess. I mean he does literally have a gun,

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Speaker 3: and he does like to do the unexpected. So maybe his.

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Speaker 2: Next on it like to throw curveballs.

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Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, I just to use some of that

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Speaker 3: in the foreplay. I would slip away in the night.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Now the next morning I pack my stuff up and

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Speaker 1: say goodbye, and he asks if we're going to hang

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Speaker 1: out again?

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Speaker 2: No, what do you think, Kyle?

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Speaker 3: You think?

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Speaker 2: Oh?

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Speaker 1: My God so now here. I am drinking my coffee

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Speaker 1: writing this story. I'm about to go pick up my

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Speaker 1: little brother from school.

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Speaker 3: Please never see this guy again. This is so sad.

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Speaker 3: Not the salty snack that you wanted, Not the salty

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Speaker 3: snack stick to saltines,