WEBVTT - Mel Robbins and The Life Changing Magic of “Let Them” 0:00:04.360 --> 0:00:07.520 Hi everyone, I'm Kitty Kuric, and this is next question. 0:00:12.039 --> 0:00:15.240 What if the next time someone annoyed you, antagonized you, 0:00:15.440 --> 0:00:19.600 or confused you, and you just said let them? It 0:00:19.680 --> 0:00:24.360 might sound counterintuitive, but Mel Robbins, the Queen of Practical Wisdom, 0:00:24.800 --> 0:00:28.760 says those two words can actually change your life. In 0:00:28.800 --> 0:00:32.440 her latest book, The Let Them Theory, Mel unpacks how 0:00:32.520 --> 0:00:37.479 letting others be themselves and focusing on your response frees 0:00:37.560 --> 0:00:41.320 you to let go and take control of your own happiness. 0:00:42.120 --> 0:00:45.720 Mel generously offers anecdotes from her own life and from 0:00:45.760 --> 0:00:48.760 her daughter Sawyers, with whom she wrote the book to 0:00:48.840 --> 0:00:53.240 illustrate how she's used, and sometimes to her chagrin, not used, 0:00:53.640 --> 0:00:57.040 the let them let Me theory. It's an amazing tool 0:00:57.160 --> 0:01:00.760 that will stop you from being mister or misfit, which 0:01:01.280 --> 0:01:04.880 come on, can be exhausting, and help you get clear 0:01:05.080 --> 0:01:09.000 about what's really important in life. Sounds pretty good, right. 0:01:09.440 --> 0:01:16.280 Here's our conversation. First of all, Mel Robins, I can't 0:01:16.319 --> 0:01:19.680 believe I've never met you. Welcome to our little podcast. 0:01:19.760 --> 0:01:22.880 Next question compared to yours, it's kind of little. 0:01:23.440 --> 0:01:27.240 Well, it's still important, and I cannot believe I haven't 0:01:27.280 --> 0:01:31.280 met you. Either because I have admired you and watched 0:01:31.280 --> 0:01:34.680 you from afar forever. So thank you for the opportunity 0:01:34.720 --> 0:01:36.560 to meet you, thank you for the opportunity to sit 0:01:36.600 --> 0:01:38.920 down and talk to you. Thank you for the opportunity 0:01:38.959 --> 0:01:41.559 to spend time with the person that is spending time 0:01:41.600 --> 0:01:43.520 together with us right now. I'm really excited. 0:01:43.640 --> 0:01:46.039 Yeah, I am too. And before we talk about your 0:01:46.080 --> 0:01:48.600 new book that you wrote with your daughter Sawyer, called 0:01:48.640 --> 0:01:51.000 The Let Them Theory, which I have a lot of 0:01:51.080 --> 0:01:53.840 questions about, I have to ask you a little bit 0:01:53.840 --> 0:01:56.280 about your life, Mel, because we're just getting to know 0:01:56.360 --> 0:01:58.520 each other. I've read a lot of profiles of you, 0:01:59.160 --> 0:02:02.280 and you're you're kind of exploding right now. Although you've 0:02:02.320 --> 0:02:05.720 been working very hard for I guess the last thirteen 0:02:05.840 --> 0:02:10.600 years or so, building your reputation and your company and 0:02:11.040 --> 0:02:13.880 more recently your podcast. But you've been writing books, you've 0:02:13.880 --> 0:02:16.800 been doing audio books, you've been doing Ted talks, so 0:02:17.000 --> 0:02:20.560 you have been working hard. So how did you become 0:02:20.600 --> 0:02:24.080 Mel Robbins? How did this happen? And I love that 0:02:24.280 --> 0:02:27.960 you give advice, but how did you get to a 0:02:28.000 --> 0:02:31.800 point where you felt like, yeah, I know enough about 0:02:31.840 --> 0:02:34.480 the world and about life to give advice. 0:02:35.720 --> 0:02:38.280 You know, the way that I got to where I 0:02:38.320 --> 0:02:42.760 am is first I screwed up my own life, like 0:02:42.840 --> 0:02:44.679 I have to learn everything the hard way. I don't 0:02:44.720 --> 0:02:46.280 know what it is about me, but I either have 0:02:46.360 --> 0:02:48.400 to fall into a hole because I'm not paying attention, 0:02:48.680 --> 0:02:50.960 or I have to dig one for myself and then 0:02:51.080 --> 0:02:54.160 sit in it and wallow and wish somebody would come 0:02:54.360 --> 0:02:58.000 and help me and solve my problems. And I've learned 0:02:58.040 --> 0:03:00.720 over and over and over in my life that no 0:03:00.760 --> 0:03:03.239 one is coming to save you, and that your life 0:03:03.280 --> 0:03:06.840 is your responsibility. And let's look at the word responsibility. 0:03:07.400 --> 0:03:13.160 Responsibility is the ability to respond. And I didn't know 0:03:15.000 --> 0:03:21.040 until recently that we give so much power to things 0:03:21.080 --> 0:03:24.840 that are beyond our control. Whether it is your past, 0:03:25.040 --> 0:03:28.600 it's already happened. And at any moment, you can decide 0:03:28.639 --> 0:03:31.280 that you're going to become a different person, and you 0:03:31.320 --> 0:03:35.000 become a different person by figuring out what direction you 0:03:35.040 --> 0:03:37.800 want to move in and then slowly but surely aligning 0:03:37.840 --> 0:03:40.920 your actions every day with the kind of person you'd 0:03:40.960 --> 0:03:42.600 like to be or the things it is that you'd 0:03:42.640 --> 0:03:47.880 like to do. And one of the things that surprises 0:03:47.920 --> 0:03:50.520 me now that I look back and I think it's 0:03:50.520 --> 0:03:55.720 the reason why I'm so driven to share, to teach, 0:03:56.240 --> 0:03:59.280 to have conversations like the one that you and I 0:03:59.320 --> 0:04:02.080 are having to with the person that's listening to us 0:04:02.120 --> 0:04:05.920 right now, is that I have caused myself so much 0:04:05.960 --> 0:04:09.680 headache and so much heartache, and I've caused other people 0:04:10.080 --> 0:04:12.720 so many headaches and so much heartache, Katie, because I 0:04:12.760 --> 0:04:16.560 didn't know, and I didn't know what the problem was. 0:04:17.279 --> 0:04:21.200 I didn't know what I was dealing with. And it 0:04:21.320 --> 0:04:24.960 covers everything. It covers everything from I'll just give you 0:04:25.000 --> 0:04:30.440 an example. I had no idea that I struggled with 0:04:30.560 --> 0:04:34.400 ADHD and dyslexia until I was forty seven years old, 0:04:35.320 --> 0:04:39.320 no idea. I am part of a lost generation of 0:04:39.360 --> 0:04:43.359 women who were diagnosed with anxiety in their late teens 0:04:43.440 --> 0:04:47.760 and their twenties when the real issue all along is 0:04:47.800 --> 0:04:54.080 that you had undiagnosed dyslexia or undiagnosed ADHD. And I 0:04:54.120 --> 0:04:57.360 didn't know that the real issue was an anxiety. See, 0:04:57.360 --> 0:05:01.520 anxiety is a symptom. It's a symptom that something is 0:05:01.560 --> 0:05:05.360 not getting addressed. And instead what happened is I would 0:05:05.360 --> 0:05:08.920 sit in classrooms and clearly I've got a brain that's 0:05:09.000 --> 0:05:12.279 not able to learn the way that public schools are teaching. 0:05:12.960 --> 0:05:18.080 And I also have ADHD, which presents other issues around 0:05:18.120 --> 0:05:22.240 the ability to direct attention. But back in the eighties, 0:05:23.040 --> 0:05:25.840 nobody knew that girls could get ADHD because they had 0:05:25.839 --> 0:05:29.280 only studied boys. And so there's this entire generation of 0:05:29.320 --> 0:05:34.800 women that were diagnosed with anxiety medicated for anxiety that 0:05:34.839 --> 0:05:39.160 are now finding out that they have ADHD later in life. 0:05:39.160 --> 0:05:41.160 And you want to know the number one way that 0:05:41.240 --> 0:05:45.160 women find out that they have ADHD. How their kids 0:05:45.200 --> 0:05:48.679 are going through the process in elementary school and middle 0:05:48.680 --> 0:05:52.920 school of being assessed for quote, behavioral problems and then 0:05:52.960 --> 0:05:56.719 a neuropsychoval lo and behold, turns out that they have 0:05:56.880 --> 0:06:00.240 a learning style difference or they have attention issue us 0:06:00.760 --> 0:06:04.279 And if you don't address this, you have a human 0:06:04.360 --> 0:06:06.040 being that can't do well. 0:06:06.560 --> 0:06:08.800 That's so funny that you mentioned your kids, because my 0:06:08.920 --> 0:06:12.960 daughter always tells me I have ADHD. I don't think 0:06:13.040 --> 0:06:14.080 I have ADHD. 0:06:14.240 --> 0:06:18.520 Mail well, if your life is working well and you're 0:06:18.560 --> 0:06:22.279 not experiencing anxiety, then maybe you do or maybe you don't. 0:06:22.800 --> 0:06:25.360 But for me, I could never understand why I Why 0:06:25.400 --> 0:06:28.000 am I so confident? And I can't remember birthdays. Why 0:06:28.080 --> 0:06:30.039 is it that I'm always running late? Why do I 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:31.840 have to have fifty thousand things going on? 0:06:31.960 --> 0:06:34.919 Why are you really managed so well? You went to Dartmouth, right, 0:06:35.120 --> 0:06:37.680 I mean, it's hard to get into Dartmouth. 0:06:37.360 --> 0:06:39.760 Nine nineteen eighty six. 0:06:40.320 --> 0:06:44.640 That's really hard. No, come on, now, I disagree. It 0:06:44.680 --> 0:06:46.400 was still hard to get into the Dartmouth so you 0:06:46.440 --> 0:06:48.679 had to do pretty well. Then you went to law school. 0:06:48.920 --> 0:06:53.640 So I'm just saying you were highly functioning individual. 0:06:53.760 --> 0:06:56.159 Right, Yes, I was high functioning, but let's talk about 0:06:56.240 --> 0:07:00.440 law school. So if you have dyslexia, And by the way, 0:07:00.520 --> 0:07:03.760 Dartmouth was basically one giant wash for me, I don't 0:07:03.760 --> 0:07:06.440 remember it because I was constantly in a state of 0:07:06.440 --> 0:07:09.920 fight or flight, because I had actually not been diagnosed 0:07:09.920 --> 0:07:14.000 with anxiety. So I went through college in a constant 0:07:14.040 --> 0:07:18.520 state of feeling on edge and over compensating by drinking 0:07:18.600 --> 0:07:22.160 procrastinating all nighters. I was a walking red flag Katie 0:07:22.200 --> 0:07:24.640 because I didn't know what the problem was with me. 0:07:25.160 --> 0:07:27.960 And so I was the kind of person that, yes, 0:07:28.040 --> 0:07:32.920 I could freestyle really well, but it nearly killed me 0:07:32.960 --> 0:07:35.440 to finish a paper. And when you start to look 0:07:35.480 --> 0:07:38.120 at yourself through a lens that number one. If I'm 0:07:38.120 --> 0:07:42.280 not doing well, there's probably some problem that's underneath all 0:07:42.280 --> 0:07:46.480 this that I've never actually realized is an issue for me. 0:07:47.280 --> 0:07:50.880 And until I figure that out, I'm going to continue 0:07:50.960 --> 0:07:54.560 to struggle. And the good news is as soon as 0:07:54.600 --> 0:07:56.720 you kind of know what you're dealing with or what 0:07:56.760 --> 0:07:58.600 you would like to change in your life, there are 0:07:58.640 --> 0:07:59.680 simple things you can do. 0:08:00.320 --> 0:08:02.520 The first book, I guess, or one of the first 0:08:02.520 --> 0:08:05.960 books you wrote, was The five second Rule, and that 0:08:06.280 --> 0:08:10.040 was when you were forty one. You were eight hundred 0:08:10.040 --> 0:08:12.840 thousand dollars in debt. That's a lot of unemployed. You're 0:08:12.840 --> 0:08:16.760 watching your husband's restaurant business crumble. That's what you're writing 0:08:16.800 --> 0:08:19.200 in the book. You write, it felt like we had 0:08:19.240 --> 0:08:22.720 failed at life, with no hope of ever escaping the debt. 0:08:23.600 --> 0:08:26.880 Under the weight of this situation, you found yourself procrastinating 0:08:27.000 --> 0:08:30.080 and avoiding solving the problems. But then you were like, 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:33.880 let's try this five second rule. I mean, how did 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:34.719 you come up with that? 0:08:35.160 --> 0:08:35.760 And what is it? 0:08:35.920 --> 0:08:36.920 Exactly? Okay? 0:08:37.040 --> 0:08:41.040 The five second rule is a little mindset hack that 0:08:42.080 --> 0:08:46.240 helps you push through any excuse or any emotion or 0:08:46.760 --> 0:08:49.920 any feeling that you have, so you take action. And 0:08:50.080 --> 0:08:52.800 the thesis is very simple. Just like food drops on 0:08:52.800 --> 0:08:54.560 the floor and you have five seconds to pick it 0:08:54.640 --> 0:08:56.760 up right, blow the dog here off, and then you 0:08:56.760 --> 0:09:00.040 can eat it. You have five seconds to act on 0:09:00.120 --> 0:09:02.840 an idea before your brain contaminates your will to move. 0:09:03.600 --> 0:09:06.720 It's that simple. And what happened for me, here's the 0:09:06.720 --> 0:09:10.560 true story is. And again I'm going to jump back 0:09:10.600 --> 0:09:13.320 and forth between what I knew then and what I 0:09:13.360 --> 0:09:16.559 know now, Because when you find yourself stuck in life, 0:09:17.400 --> 0:09:21.200 whether it's crippling grief, which I know you've experienced, or 0:09:21.400 --> 0:09:24.560 it is all of a sudden the world changes, or 0:09:24.559 --> 0:09:29.360 your job changes, or circumstance changes in a relationship and 0:09:29.360 --> 0:09:31.440 you find yourself single, or you find yourself in a 0:09:31.480 --> 0:09:33.520 new chapter, or you find yourself as an empty nester, 0:09:33.559 --> 0:09:36.120 or you find yourself in a situation where you don't 0:09:36.160 --> 0:09:38.640 like what's happening in your community or the world around you. 0:09:39.440 --> 0:09:43.719 It is normal to feel stressed about that and paralyzed 0:09:43.920 --> 0:09:47.160 us right and actually in the moment, if the issue 0:09:47.240 --> 0:09:50.880 is big enough, feeling stressed or paralyzed is a sign 0:09:50.880 --> 0:09:54.720 that you're mentally well because the response is actually appropriate 0:09:54.760 --> 0:09:57.760 to the thing that you're dealing with. The issue is 0:09:58.000 --> 0:10:01.360 that none of us understand that when and you get 0:10:01.400 --> 0:10:04.480 to a point where you're super stressed about something and 0:10:04.520 --> 0:10:07.040 you start to feel anxious, which is simply just feeling 0:10:07.040 --> 0:10:09.559 stressed all the time. I mean, anxiety and stress are 0:10:09.600 --> 0:10:13.280 the same physiological things in your body. I didn't know 0:10:13.320 --> 0:10:15.560 this at the time when I was forty one. I 0:10:15.679 --> 0:10:18.320 just knew that I had eight hundred thousand dollars in debt, 0:10:18.600 --> 0:10:21.079 that the bills were piling up on the kitchen counter. 0:10:21.120 --> 0:10:23.079 I couldn't open them. I didn't have money in the 0:10:23.120 --> 0:10:26.160 bank anyway, I didn't. We were struggling to get gas 0:10:26.200 --> 0:10:27.959 in the tank and food on the table. I hadn't 0:10:27.960 --> 0:10:31.239 told my parents, I hadn't told my friends, friends had invested. 0:10:31.640 --> 0:10:34.080 We're also in a community where we have lots of 0:10:34.120 --> 0:10:36.440 friends and you're trying to keep up and you don't 0:10:36.440 --> 0:10:39.800 want people to know. And so I did feel paralyzed. 0:10:40.320 --> 0:10:42.680 And the thing that's interesting that I really want to 0:10:42.800 --> 0:10:46.560 underscore for particularly the person that's listening and spending time 0:10:46.559 --> 0:10:49.360 with us right now, whether this applies to you in 0:10:49.440 --> 0:10:51.760 your life at this moment, or it applies to somebody 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:56.200 that you love who is seemingly stuck. Is that nobody's 0:10:56.240 --> 0:11:01.360 actually stuck. A person who's stuck isn't actually paralleled because 0:11:01.720 --> 0:11:06.320 you're in deep conflict with yourself. You know when you're 0:11:06.320 --> 0:11:11.080 not thriving. You know when you're making decisions that are 0:11:11.120 --> 0:11:14.040 taking your life down the wrong road. Like the hardest 0:11:14.040 --> 0:11:17.200 working person in a classroom is not the person getting a's. 0:11:17.679 --> 0:11:22.480 It's the person that's failing because they're struggling all the time. 0:11:23.320 --> 0:11:25.760 Even if it looks like they're not doing anything on 0:11:25.800 --> 0:11:29.520 the outside, they're constantly in conflict knowing that they are 0:11:29.559 --> 0:11:32.800 not reaching their potential, that they're not trying how they can. 0:11:33.200 --> 0:11:35.560 Same thing is true with health. Someone in your life 0:11:35.600 --> 0:11:37.840 that you wish that would be healthy. We make the 0:11:37.880 --> 0:11:40.600 mistake of thinking they're not motivated. That's not true at all. 0:11:41.520 --> 0:11:46.079 They're in deep conflict with themselves. They know that there 0:11:46.080 --> 0:11:48.640 are things that they can do. It's not an issue 0:11:48.640 --> 0:11:52.280 of willpower, it's an issue of skill. And so I 0:11:52.280 --> 0:11:55.400 think that's an important backdrop because I didn't know any 0:11:55.400 --> 0:11:58.440 of this, and so you can start to feel like 0:11:58.480 --> 0:12:01.120 you're the only one that's trapped. You're the idiot that 0:12:01.160 --> 0:12:05.240 can't figure this out, that somehow you screwed up when 0:12:05.440 --> 0:12:09.360 truly it's not just you that there are things you 0:12:09.400 --> 0:12:11.640 can do. And for me, I knew what I needed 0:12:11.640 --> 0:12:14.640 to do. I'm not an idiot. I knew that if 0:12:14.640 --> 0:12:17.040 we're that much in debt, Katie, I need to get 0:12:17.040 --> 0:12:19.959 a job. I could ask for help. I need to 0:12:19.960 --> 0:12:21.720 get my butt out the front door and go for 0:12:21.800 --> 0:12:23.719 a walk, because all the experts say it's going to 0:12:23.760 --> 0:12:27.000 make me feel better. I know that drinking half a 0:12:27.040 --> 0:12:30.040 bottle of bourbon every night is probably not helping the situation. 0:12:30.240 --> 0:12:32.600 Neither is waking up hungover and then hitting the snooze 0:12:32.640 --> 0:12:36.240 button six times. But you get so stuck in the 0:12:36.280 --> 0:12:40.600 stress of it, and that keeps you in it. And 0:12:40.679 --> 0:12:43.240 so what happened, And this is the true story. It 0:12:43.320 --> 0:12:46.360 was February two thousand and eight, and so also the 0:12:46.400 --> 0:12:49.199 housing crisis going down, and I'm sitting in front of 0:12:49.240 --> 0:12:49.800 the television. 0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:50.439 I'm like, that's it. 0:12:50.559 --> 0:12:54.680 Mel Robbins. Tomorrow morning, woman, it's a new you. Tomorrow morning. 0:12:54.800 --> 0:12:58.360 You have got to stop drinking. You have got to 0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:01.960 stop screaming a Chris. It's not like he tried to 0:13:02.280 --> 0:13:05.959 fail at the restaurant business. You know, you gotta call 0:13:06.000 --> 0:13:07.560 your parents. You got to you got to pick up 0:13:07.559 --> 0:13:09.480 the phone and look for a job. And by God, woman, 0:13:09.800 --> 0:13:11.760 when that alarm rings, you cannot lay there like a 0:13:11.840 --> 0:13:14.760 human pot roast, marinating and fear staring at the ceiling. 0:13:15.080 --> 0:13:16.840 You have got to get your butt out of bed 0:13:16.880 --> 0:13:18.800 and get those kids on the bus. And all of 0:13:18.840 --> 0:13:24.120 a sudden, this rocket ship launches across the television screen, 0:13:25.400 --> 0:13:27.320 and it gave me this crazy idea. I thought it 0:13:27.360 --> 0:13:29.600 was like a sign from Like, that's a sign from God. 0:13:30.960 --> 0:13:34.320 Tomorrow morning, when that alarm rings, mel you are gonna 0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:36.760 launch yourself out of bed like a rocket ship. You're 0:13:36.760 --> 0:13:38.959 gonna move so fast you're not gonna be in that 0:13:39.000 --> 0:13:43.480 bed when that anxiety hits. Now, it could have been 0:13:43.520 --> 0:13:45.760 the four bourbon Manhattans. It gave me that idea because 0:13:45.800 --> 0:13:47.760 I was drinking an awful lot back then, and. 0:13:47.679 --> 0:13:48.920 It sounds kind of stupid. 0:13:49.160 --> 0:13:52.000 Yeah right, They're delicious, especially this time of year, so 0:13:53.040 --> 0:13:57.640 it sounds stupid. So the next morning, the alarm ring, 0:13:58.720 --> 0:14:02.840 and that's when I saw something that I'd never seen before. 0:14:03.360 --> 0:14:06.319 And once you embrace what I'm about to share with you, 0:14:06.320 --> 0:14:09.079 you will never look at life the same again. There 0:14:09.120 --> 0:14:12.240 is a five second window that defines your whole life. 0:14:12.400 --> 0:14:14.760 It determines how much money you make, It determines how 0:14:14.800 --> 0:14:17.040 healthy you are, It determines the kind of relationship you 0:14:17.040 --> 0:14:19.800 have with your kids and with your parents and with 0:14:19.840 --> 0:14:24.600 your loved ones. It's this five second window between knowing 0:14:25.840 --> 0:14:29.640 what you need to do and actually doing it. There's 0:14:29.680 --> 0:14:31.840 this moment of hesitation that we all have in the 0:14:31.880 --> 0:14:35.200 small moments in life, where you have this instinct that 0:14:35.240 --> 0:14:37.479 you should pick up the phone or start the conversation, 0:14:37.680 --> 0:14:40.440 or get off the couch and go to the gym, 0:14:40.840 --> 0:14:43.520 and instead of actually doing it, we make this fatal 0:14:43.600 --> 0:14:45.760 mistake where we hesitate and then we stop and think 0:14:45.800 --> 0:14:49.280 about how we feel about doing it. And so that morning, 0:14:49.320 --> 0:14:52.760 Tuesday morning, February two thousand and eight, the alarm rings 0:14:52.800 --> 0:14:55.560 and I immediately remember that dumb idea at a launch 0:14:55.560 --> 0:14:58.360 out of bed, and I stop and think, do I 0:14:58.360 --> 0:15:01.120 feel like getting out of bed? I'm like, it's it's cold, 0:15:01.160 --> 0:15:03.400 it's winter in Massachusetts. How the hell is this going 0:15:03.480 --> 0:15:05.520 to help. I'm mean, hundred thousand dollars in day, I 0:15:05.520 --> 0:15:06.800 don't want to get out of bed, and I start 0:15:06.840 --> 0:15:09.480 reaching for the snooze button. Because it was a habit 0:15:09.960 --> 0:15:13.840 and a habit's just a pattern. And for whatever reason, 0:15:14.640 --> 0:15:17.360 I just started counting backwards that morning, five four three 0:15:17.480 --> 0:15:23.880 two one, and then I stood up and it struck 0:15:23.960 --> 0:15:27.480 me like, I was kind of like, that's strange. And 0:15:27.560 --> 0:15:32.160 I was in such a state of desperation that I 0:15:32.280 --> 0:15:36.480 just dismissed my kind of pragmatic, cynical side, and I thought, 0:15:36.880 --> 0:15:38.800 what if this is a sign from God? What if 0:15:38.840 --> 0:15:43.320 this is a magic trip, what if this works? And 0:15:43.360 --> 0:15:45.960 so I made myself a promise. I said, any moment 0:15:46.760 --> 0:15:49.960 that I have today where I know what I could 0:15:50.000 --> 0:15:52.400 do but I don't feel like it, I'm just going 0:15:52.440 --> 0:15:55.480 to count backwards and see what happens. And that was 0:15:55.640 --> 0:16:04.240 the beginning of an entirely new life. 0:16:05.960 --> 0:16:08.040 If you want to get smarter every morning with a 0:16:08.080 --> 0:16:11.360 breakdown of the news and fascinating takes on health and 0:16:11.400 --> 0:16:14.760 wellness and pop culture, sign up for our daily newsletter, 0:16:14.840 --> 0:16:27.320 Wake Up Call by going to Katiecuric dot com. So 0:16:27.400 --> 0:16:33.040 here we are seven years later, and your journey has continued. Yes, 0:16:33.400 --> 0:16:39.240 and you are still writing and thinking about ways that 0:16:39.640 --> 0:16:43.400 could improve your life that as a result, is improving 0:16:43.440 --> 0:16:47.640 the lives of so many other people. And your new book, 0:16:47.680 --> 0:16:50.120 which you wrote with your daughter Sawyer is called the 0:16:50.240 --> 0:16:54.560 Let Them Theory. So that's obviously the focus of our 0:16:54.600 --> 0:16:58.120 conversation today because we want everyone to read this book. 0:16:58.160 --> 0:17:00.360 And I know you just had an interview with Oprah 0:17:00.840 --> 0:17:02.840 and she said, I mean, this is a woman who 0:17:02.920 --> 0:17:06.000 knows about self help. Mel And what did she say 0:17:06.040 --> 0:17:07.240 to you about your book? 0:17:08.000 --> 0:17:13.800 I'm still processing it. She said that this is the 0:17:14.320 --> 0:17:16.639 single best self help book she has ever read. 0:17:16.960 --> 0:17:18.360 Wow, And that. 0:17:18.320 --> 0:17:24.800 It is the message and tool that humanity needs right 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:31.679 now for this extremely overwhelming and challenging and conflict driven 0:17:32.440 --> 0:17:35.879 moment in time that we're all living in. Because ultimately, 0:17:36.640 --> 0:17:41.119 the Let Them Theory is about what you can control 0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:45.760 and what you can't control, and it is ultimately a 0:17:45.800 --> 0:17:50.159 book that will fundamentally change your relationship to yourself and 0:17:50.200 --> 0:17:52.200 your relationship to other people. 0:17:52.680 --> 0:17:55.800 This all started in May of twenty twenty three. Yes, 0:17:55.960 --> 0:17:59.240 when you posted on TikTok about the Let Them Theory 0:17:59.280 --> 0:18:04.080 of video that went uber uber viral. Yes, you were, 0:18:04.280 --> 0:18:06.359 I guess writing the book at the time. Oh no, 0:18:06.359 --> 0:18:10.240 no, no no, So the TikTok video prompted the book. 0:18:10.760 --> 0:18:14.160 Well, what happened is I had an experience I never 0:18:14.200 --> 0:18:16.800 thought i'd be sitting across from you, Katie, saying, I 0:18:16.880 --> 0:18:19.480 discovered something at a high school prom that changed my life. 0:18:20.240 --> 0:18:22.320 But it was our son. We have three children, they're 0:18:22.320 --> 0:18:25.280 twenty five, twenty three, and nineteen. It was Soakley, right, Yeah, 0:18:25.320 --> 0:18:29.080 Oakley was at his prom and I was your typical 0:18:29.200 --> 0:18:33.000 psycho micromanaging mother from the carsage, to the tucks, to 0:18:33.080 --> 0:18:35.199 the shoes to this to that. And we're at the 0:18:35.200 --> 0:18:38.080 pre prom party and our daughter Kendall, who's twenty three, 0:18:38.160 --> 0:18:41.200 was home from college at the time, and they're taking 0:18:41.200 --> 0:18:43.360 photos and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Katie, 0:18:43.760 --> 0:18:47.160 it starts pouring ring And so you got twenty kids 0:18:47.160 --> 0:18:49.680 in black tie and all these parents milling about and 0:18:49.720 --> 0:18:52.320 they're about to all leave to head out, and nobody 0:18:52.320 --> 0:18:56.760 has umbrellas and nobody has any raincoats. And by the way, 0:18:56.800 --> 0:18:59.000 for some reason, all the kids in southern Vermont drive 0:18:59.080 --> 0:19:00.879 to the prom, which was new to me, you know, 0:19:01.200 --> 0:19:03.600 raising our daughters in Boston, where everybody had buses and 0:19:03.640 --> 0:19:06.119 this and that. And so I'm like, wait, you're driving. 0:19:06.119 --> 0:19:09.320 Why are you borrowing dad's truck? Like, what's gonna happen 0:19:09.359 --> 0:19:11.280 with it? I don't understand this, And now it's raining. 0:19:11.560 --> 0:19:12.960 And then I say to Oakley, where are you guys 0:19:12.960 --> 0:19:14.560 going for dinner? As they're trying to head out the door, 0:19:14.560 --> 0:19:16.639 and the parents are like, wait, you can't go yeah, 0:19:16.760 --> 0:19:18.520 and he's like, I don't know. And I was like, 0:19:18.560 --> 0:19:21.560 you don't have reservations for prom? He's like no, And 0:19:21.600 --> 0:19:22.920 I turned to my husband. I'm like, they do I 0:19:22.960 --> 0:19:24.720 have reservations for prom? And he's like, a guest's not. 0:19:24.840 --> 0:19:27.600 And I'm like why. I don't know why it bothered 0:19:27.640 --> 0:19:30.240 me so much, but it bothered me Katie. And so 0:19:31.000 --> 0:19:32.680 I go, well, hold on, let me see if I 0:19:32.680 --> 0:19:34.720 can find you something. And now all the parents are 0:19:34.720 --> 0:19:37.040 milling about and I'm starting to you know, when you 0:19:37.080 --> 0:19:39.280 get that like volcano of emotion. 0:19:39.920 --> 0:19:42.040 That just yeah, you know, I'm familiar with that. 0:19:42.280 --> 0:19:45.280 And as it's coming up and you feel the words 0:19:45.320 --> 0:19:47.359 coming you're out of your mouth, or the text that 0:19:47.400 --> 0:19:51.160 you're about to kind of send coming, and I'm starting 0:19:51.200 --> 0:19:54.800 to feel that wave of panic hit as I'm trying 0:19:54.800 --> 0:19:57.200 to find a reservation and we're trying to get twenty 0:19:57.280 --> 0:20:00.040 kids to not run out into a rainstorm and just 0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:03.760 destroy their hair and their dresses and their shoes. My 0:20:03.920 --> 0:20:07.359 daughter sees it coming and she reaches out and grabs 0:20:07.400 --> 0:20:09.280 my arm and yanks me to her, and she like 0:20:09.320 --> 0:20:13.240 grits her teeth and she's like, them, you're being annoying. 0:20:14.080 --> 0:20:16.439 If they want to go to the taco stamp, let them. 0:20:16.800 --> 0:20:18.520 If they want to be in the print, let them. 0:20:18.520 --> 0:20:20.359 If he's going to run his shoes, let them. And 0:20:20.400 --> 0:20:23.280 she started saying this cascade of let her ruin her hair, 0:20:23.480 --> 0:20:25.320 let them ud get under dress, let them do what 0:20:25.359 --> 0:20:26.720 they want to do, and she kind of ended it 0:20:26.760 --> 0:20:33.440 with mom, it's their prom, not yours. Let them, and 0:20:33.480 --> 0:20:38.440 that final let them was like a sledgehammer, And all 0:20:38.440 --> 0:20:41.520 of a sudden, my shoulders just dropped, and I thought, 0:20:43.119 --> 0:20:47.080 let them, like why do I care? Like why am 0:20:47.119 --> 0:20:50.000 I not thinking about where I'm going to dinner? And 0:20:50.040 --> 0:20:53.880 so I said to o, hey, Oak, and he turned around. 0:20:53.920 --> 0:20:55.640 He's like, what you know, because of course I've been 0:20:55.720 --> 0:20:58.760 super irritating and annoying. And I'm like nothing, but here's 0:20:58.760 --> 0:21:02.000 forty bucks. Go have fun. And then you saw his 0:21:02.119 --> 0:21:05.760 shoulders drop and there was this huge smile that his 0:21:05.880 --> 0:21:10.720 face and that was that. And the next day I 0:21:10.760 --> 0:21:14.240 woke up and I'm at the grocery store and there's 0:21:14.280 --> 0:21:16.400 like five people in front of me and one cashier 0:21:16.440 --> 0:21:22.280 and it's like beep pep me. And again that sort 0:21:22.280 --> 0:21:25.960 of like volcano of emotion starts rising up, and I start, 0:21:26.000 --> 0:21:27.960 what do you do in line when that's happening. 0:21:28.359 --> 0:21:31.880 You get exasperated and you're rolling your eyes and you're 0:21:31.920 --> 0:21:35.480 like clearing your throats and you're getting aggravated. 0:21:35.640 --> 0:21:37.720 Yes, and you now think that you know how to 0:21:37.800 --> 0:21:42.720 run a grocery store better than the manager. And I said, 0:21:42.800 --> 0:21:48.080 let them, and my shoulders dropped and I just started 0:21:48.200 --> 0:21:51.040 using it and I started to notice something. Oh my god, 0:21:51.080 --> 0:21:55.160 people are really annoying. Holy cow. People's moods are really 0:21:55.160 --> 0:21:58.720 getting to me. Wow, that Zoom meeting really drained me. 0:22:00.040 --> 0:22:02.640 Holy cow. I've got opinions about traffic, I've got opinions 0:22:02.640 --> 0:22:06.679 about my mother in law's expectations, I've got And it 0:22:06.720 --> 0:22:11.560 occurred to me, holy cow, I'm allowing so many people 0:22:11.760 --> 0:22:15.719 and so much stuff that's beneath me, and that is 0:22:15.760 --> 0:22:19.760 not my job to manage to drain the two most 0:22:19.760 --> 0:22:23.840 precious resources I have in life, time and energy. See, 0:22:23.880 --> 0:22:26.560 your life is determined by what you put your time 0:22:26.600 --> 0:22:29.240 into and what you pour your energy into, and so 0:22:29.280 --> 0:22:32.119 I've got news for you. If you are tired, or 0:22:32.160 --> 0:22:34.840 you are overwhelmed, or you feel like you're last on 0:22:34.880 --> 0:22:39.200