Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this faery podcast which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now at available
Speaker 1: every rust your podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple. Go listen
Speaker 1: right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.
Speaker 1: Go listen to see I by Codeine. When I first
Speaker 1: met you, I saw you you a beautiful You look
Speaker 1: like a princess. I thought our romance would be powered
Speaker 1: by Disney, and I was wrong. It was not a
Speaker 1: fairy tale. Damn you fairy tales for making things salad.
Speaker 1: They were going to be one way and the eight. Well,
Speaker 1: it's safe to say that you and I have been
Speaker 1: divorced and remarried several times throughout the course of our relationship.
Speaker 1: Did ask, Hey, I'm and we're the Ellis. You may
Speaker 1: know us from posting funny videos with our boys and
Speaker 1: reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'll make you need derby most days. And one more
Speaker 1: important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 1: the live's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want
Speaker 1: to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple.
Speaker 1: Dead ass is a term that we say every day.
Speaker 1: Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about
Speaker 1: to take phillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: ask starts now. Alright, guys, So I'm gonna take you
Speaker 1: guys back to a time. This is probably one of
Speaker 1: the darkest times in Codein and myself our relationship. Um,
Speaker 1: it was right after we were married and Codeine and
Speaker 1: I were struggling financially. We had just moved back to
Speaker 1: Brooklyn and the recession was here. We were living in
Speaker 1: an apartment. We were having disagreements about our living situation
Speaker 1: and the wedding. And this is after the wedding. Yes
Speaker 1: we had we had but we had definitely had buyers remorse.
Speaker 1: So it got to a point, Um, we had just
Speaker 1: had Jackson and we were not seeing out eye and
Speaker 1: we discussed possibly not being together, and it got to
Speaker 1: a point where we were just like, um, how would
Speaker 1: we survive together in the house but not be married
Speaker 1: because neither one of us wanted to leave Jackson, and
Speaker 1: we couldn't figure out a way to make it work
Speaker 1: legally or make it work for us emotionally, and we
Speaker 1: just started to grow apart and I cheated loving you.
Speaker 1: It's like a bad battle. Hey, hey, and we both
Speaker 1: send up with Scott. Tell me I have to be
Speaker 1: that one in my soul. It was too bad. Laura
Speaker 1: was in my air because she's had me like yeah,
Speaker 1: stuff like I sounded good but sounded good. Bad. We
Speaker 1: can't play her. We can't play her along sounding good,
Speaker 1: sound good. Don't try to gask me out. It's fine,
Speaker 1: It's fine. No, I just I felt that song because
Speaker 1: it's almost like, you know, she talks about love. Is
Speaker 1: this just a silly game that forces you to act
Speaker 1: this way? No, it's not a game. It forces you
Speaker 1: to screen my name then pretend that you can't stay.
Speaker 1: It's like, that's just what it is. Though. It's the
Speaker 1: cycle of you know, being together, breaking up, getting back together.
Speaker 1: But what the sad part is is that as a child,
Speaker 1: you look at relationships and they only show you the
Speaker 1: fairy tales. And if someone makes a mistake or makes
Speaker 1: a poor decision, because I don't ever say that I
Speaker 1: make mistakes. This is one thing that I've learned. I
Speaker 1: don't ever say that I make mistakes. I made a decision,
Speaker 1: and if the decision doesn't work with what your alignment
Speaker 1: is for your life, then for other people it may
Speaker 1: seem like a mistake. But now I made that decision
Speaker 1: and I got to own it. So here I'm interested
Speaker 1: to hear what our expert today is going to say
Speaker 1: about that, because it was something that, Yeah, that was
Speaker 1: something that I was kind of like, all right, when
Speaker 1: you told me you made the choice and not a mistake,
Speaker 1: it kind of made me think like you were very
Speaker 1: aware of what you did and there was a reason
Speaker 1: behind it. So I kind of got a little bit
Speaker 1: more respect for that versus you just say that. I
Speaker 1: want to explain, no, for sure, for sure? All right
Speaker 1: in the house today we have with us Melissa do Maas.
Speaker 1: Melissa is a licensed marriage and family therapists with over
Speaker 1: fifteen years of experience in psychotherapy. She runs her own practice,
Speaker 1: You Help You, where she specializes in guide inclines through
Speaker 1: the complexities of overcoming emotional and physical trauma. She also
Speaker 1: helps clients of all ages deal with grief, relationship issues, parenting,
Speaker 1: transitions in life, family conflict, selfist. But you have a
Speaker 1: whole lot that you You're gonna everything that's on. My
Speaker 1: question is do you have a therapist for yourself? As
Speaker 1: I've heard that before and I didn't know if it
Speaker 1: was actually true, but it makes sense because if you're
Speaker 1: helping people impact so many things about their life, I'm
Speaker 1: sure that can be pretty heavy. Absolutely, it can be happy. Well,
Speaker 1: thank you for coming in today. This is a heavy
Speaker 1: topic for us. It is. It's a heavy topic and
Speaker 1: I felt that Lauren Hill song I'm Still in It
Speaker 1: and a couple of candles, you know, good stuff. So
Speaker 1: this episode we're talking about loosely um infidelities, past transgressions,
Speaker 1: and how we were able to get through it. And
Speaker 1: these are questions that debout I've gotten so many times
Speaker 1: from people, men and women, because we've openly spoken about
Speaker 1: the fact that we've been together for eighteen years, since
Speaker 1: we were eighteen years old actually, so within the course
Speaker 1: of our relationship, we've naturally had moments where either he's
Speaker 1: had a transmission or I have had one where we
Speaker 1: were able to through it, and um we both get
Speaker 1: questions at your questions from men like you, Haskadine ever cheated?
Speaker 1: And if she has, would you ever take her back?
Speaker 1: And how did you take her back? Right? And I
Speaker 1: get the how do you regain trust? Or how we're
Speaker 1: how is deval able to like trust you again after that? Um?
Speaker 1: Because sometimes too, I think there's a difference also between
Speaker 1: men and women. You know, mental cheat and then women
Speaker 1: will take them back. But if a woman cheats, just like,
Speaker 1: oh she's damaged. Goods Now she's for the homies, she's
Speaker 1: for the bro she's for the streets, and that's it. UM.
Speaker 1: So yeah, we wanted to really unpack more so not
Speaker 1: necessarily details about what has happened in our transgressions, but
Speaker 1: more so how we were able to speak about it, um,
Speaker 1: move forward from it and be able to regain that
Speaker 1: healthy relationship that we once had or I mean we
Speaker 1: want to continue to have. UM. So can you tell
Speaker 1: us a little bit maybe about yourself, just in your
Speaker 1: own words and a little bit of um, you know
Speaker 1: what you do on a day to day basis right? Absolutely? Um.
Speaker 1: As you mentioned, I do have my own private practice
Speaker 1: call you help you. It's located in southern California, and
Speaker 1: through my practice, I do work with individuals that have variants,
Speaker 1: um some sort of trauma. I also help individuals hill
Speaker 1: from grief and loss. And I also work with couples.
Speaker 1: And the work that I do with couples a lot
Speaker 1: of times as relationship satisfaction and or it's you know,
Speaker 1: things of infidelity wanting to come in and talk about
Speaker 1: it and to rebuild their marriage. Um. And that is
Speaker 1: work that I enjoy, enjoy helping couples to build what
Speaker 1: I call their marriage to point oh, because looking at
Speaker 1: the marriage that may have had some transgressions or um,
Speaker 1: some challenges, we are now rebuilding a new marriage. We're
Speaker 1: not starting over from the marriage that we have before
Speaker 1: or the relationship that we had before. That's interesting marriage
Speaker 1: to point. Do you find that the same couples come
Speaker 1: in maybe for like a three point oh or a
Speaker 1: four point like is this something that you have revisiting?
Speaker 1: You know, clients that come in with the same kind
Speaker 1: of issues that maybe have to rehash for a second
Speaker 1: or third time. Usually that same issue with boils down
Speaker 1: to communication. It's not always infidelity, but it's always okay,
Speaker 1: we're having communication challenges again, all right, let's revisit that.
Speaker 1: And it's funny you talk about marriage two point oh.
Speaker 1: This is part of the reason why we're having a
Speaker 1: vowel renewal because to get back to sto every time.
Speaker 1: Part of the reasons why we ended up having such
Speaker 1: a hard time in our marriage was because of how
Speaker 1: we got married and the way everything happened. It wasn't
Speaker 1: on a strong foundation. So we were trying to build
Speaker 1: in our marriage while being in our marriage, and I
Speaker 1: feel like, you know, I stumbled, and we both had
Speaker 1: to try to find ways to kind of regroup and
Speaker 1: get back to what the right way to do things are.
Speaker 1: So lessen, I'll take you back to where we were
Speaker 1: when I told Codeine that I cheated. We were at
Speaker 1: home and like I said, I'm really and I'm an
Speaker 1: open books. Like I never hired my phone. She always
Speaker 1: has access to my phone. And at the time where
Speaker 1: I was working, um one of my coworkers text me
Speaker 1: and he had text me something lude you know, about
Speaker 1: the young lady. And I didn't know he was texting me,
Speaker 1: but my phone was dinging and Codeine was just like,
Speaker 1: you know, your phone was ringing. I was like, well,
Speaker 1: tell me who it is. So then she picks up
Speaker 1: the phone and then she sees the text message. The
Speaker 1: reason why I'm not disclosing everything because I don't want
Speaker 1: to involve outside parties. This is about Cadine and I,
Speaker 1: so I don't want to seem like I'm being vague
Speaker 1: and I don't want I want to tell a story,
Speaker 1: but as outside party that may not be asking for
Speaker 1: this to be public knowledge. So when she saw the
Speaker 1: text message, she comes to me and she's just like, hey, um,
Speaker 1: did you sleep with so and so? And I was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: and I didn't bad and I she didn't bad and
Speaker 1: I and this is when I started to realize that
Speaker 1: I had made a decision out of mistake, because ultimately
Speaker 1: I felt like I wanted to get caught so I
Speaker 1: can tell her why I did it. It was almost
Speaker 1: like I was feeling this way and I needed to
Speaker 1: tell you and show you what what you did to
Speaker 1: me made me want to do this, and I didn't
Speaker 1: feel bad about it, and I wanted to have a
Speaker 1: discussion with it. So we sat down and she cried
Speaker 1: and she was like why, And we talked about our
Speaker 1: differing sex drives all the time, and over time, you know,
Speaker 1: we had had discussions and we were communicating, but I
Speaker 1: didn't understand her process and she didn't understand my process.
Speaker 1: We were still very, very young, so I was expecting
Speaker 1: immediate change, and I wasn't getting changed fast enough. So
Speaker 1: I took it upon myself to say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I just I'm having resentment. I just need to go
Speaker 1: and do it. And also it's also time and opportunity.
Speaker 1: It was just it was just there. I didn't have
Speaker 1: to ask for it. I wasn't looking for it. It
Speaker 1: was presented to me and it was just kind of like, okay.
Speaker 1: And then this is when I realized that the choice
Speaker 1: I made taught me something. After the act was done,
Speaker 1: I didn't feel fulfilled. And it was in that moment
Speaker 1: that I realized, like I'd rather be at home arguing
Speaker 1: and talking about what I'm not getting then trying to
Speaker 1: get it somewhere else, because it was done and I
Speaker 1: wasn't fulfilled. And it was it was in that moment
Speaker 1: that I realized that I did not I didn't want
Speaker 1: to be that person, you know. I didn't want to
Speaker 1: be a serial cheater. I didn't want to have to
Speaker 1: sneak around. I just didn't want to do it. It
Speaker 1: just wasn't It wasn't good. But I honestly feel like
Speaker 1: I needed that moment to be where I am now
Speaker 1: and I needed to discuss that with Codeine and we
Speaker 1: can be open about it. And she cried and she
Speaker 1: was mad and she was upset. And one thing I
Speaker 1: didn't do, um I didn't force her to get over it,
Speaker 1: you know I was. I was never like get over it.
Speaker 1: It happened. It was like, this is how I felt,
Speaker 1: this is what I did, and I apologize and I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't like apologizing because the best apologies changed behavior,
Speaker 1: but I was like, this is what it is. And
Speaker 1: I was just like, take your time and don't let
Speaker 1: me know what you want to do. But I appreciate
Speaker 1: it off the bat with Devot was that when I
Speaker 1: confronted him with it, like there was no way to
Speaker 1: really lie about it. So I feel like he had
Speaker 1: to be honest in that moment um. But in his
Speaker 1: honesty then it opened up the doors for like more communication.
Speaker 1: And though I would never want to say take the
Speaker 1: blame for it, because again, he made his choice, he's
Speaker 1: an individual, it did cost me to self reflect absolutely
Speaker 1: and be like, oh okay, so I wasn't doing X
Speaker 1: Y Z, or I wasn't fulfilling this, or maybe I
Speaker 1: was on autopilot. And you said the autopilot we had Jackson.
Speaker 1: We had Jackson work autopilot. It was like work Jackson autopilot,
Speaker 1: and it was like, hey baby, I'm here, Hey baby here.
Speaker 1: And I didn't cheat to prove to her that I
Speaker 1: can go do it. It was time and opportunity. But
Speaker 1: then you know, it was just like it was. It happened.
Speaker 1: It happened in that moment, and you know, I did
Speaker 1: appreciate him being honest and being open, and I think
Speaker 1: that's why I was able to then digest it all
Speaker 1: take my time to kind of say, all right, hey,
Speaker 1: there's some things that maybe I need to change and
Speaker 1: be more attentive to um be. He was honest, so
Speaker 1: I appreciated that. And I never looked at the VALI
Speaker 1: and said, like, this is just a ain't ship dude,
Speaker 1: who's out here running these streets, cheating with whoever's throwing
Speaker 1: in his way. And he wasn't, you know, but in
Speaker 1: me trying to get past that, it's still eight at me.
Speaker 1: And I think that's what, in turn caused me to
Speaker 1: be like, oh, time and opportunity. Here came homeboy that
Speaker 1: I knew from me years ago, and it was like, Yo,
Speaker 1: what's the chances we link up on the street. We
Speaker 1: exchanged numbers and then oh, reminiscent about old days and
Speaker 1: talking about you know, things that used to happen around
Speaker 1: the way, and that turned into damn you grew up,
Speaker 1: Damn you grew up, you know, and it's like all right,
Speaker 1: and then that slowly became like really inappropriate text conversations,
Speaker 1: you know, planning to try to see if we can
Speaker 1: meet up, Like that's what started to happen, the emotional affair,
Speaker 1: you know. And for me in that moment, it felt like, well,
Speaker 1: I got the one up now, because it's like, Hi,
Speaker 1: I got my own little thing going on there. But
Speaker 1: it's like, honestly, what was I doing that for? And
Speaker 1: when he found out about it in the very beginning,
Speaker 1: he felt like I lied about it, like I should
Speaker 1: have just divulged everything the way that he did. What
Speaker 1: he had seen in that moment wasn't actually sext thing
Speaker 1: that happened between the two of us. It was something else.
Speaker 1: But because it was a bit in a piece of
Speaker 1: a conversation, He then pieced things together and made his
Speaker 1: own narrative, and at that point I kind of felt like, shoot,
Speaker 1: I can't backtrack now and try to, like, you know,
Speaker 1: salvage what i've what he's seen, because there's no full
Speaker 1: story here. And then I wasn't forthright with the information
Speaker 1: off the bat, so he's just going to be like, well,
Speaker 1: you lied to the beginning. So that's where we differed
Speaker 1: in our scenario. He was just like, you saw it,
Speaker 1: that's what it was here. It is me. I'm just like, well,
Speaker 1: you only saw this bit that really wasn't sexting in
Speaker 1: that moment, but it doesn't make sense and it was
Speaker 1: just came a mess yeah exactly. So for him now
Speaker 1: he's just like, well, damn, you know what else didn't
Speaker 1: you tell me? Leaving out like you know, it's convenient
Speaker 1: that we didn't see all the text messages. You were
Speaker 1: deleting text messages. So if you're deleting text messages and
Speaker 1: I only see a piece of it, like what am
Speaker 1: I led to believe after that? And it just looks bad?
Speaker 1: It does. It looks bad. And that phone, that phone
Speaker 1: gets people in trouble all the time. Autely absolutely with
Speaker 1: the iPad whatnot. Who's more upfront about their transgressions? Is
Speaker 1: it a man thing women thing? Was his personality? I
Speaker 1: think his personality. And I have yet, in the years
Speaker 1: that I've been doing this, I have yet to seen
Speaker 1: a scenario like yours, Devot be honest. Usually it's one
Speaker 1: person calling in and saying I caught this other person
Speaker 1: or I caught them, you know, because of their phone
Speaker 1: or or whatever the situation is. I have yet, you know,
Speaker 1: until today, in this moment, have met with individuals who
Speaker 1: have said I was up front. I was honest. But yes, Conde,
Speaker 1: you did see the text message, and that's what prompted
Speaker 1: the question. But I wasn't going to tell her. I didn't.
Speaker 1: And then I think this is important, This is important
Speaker 1: to discuss. I didn't go out to cheat to teach
Speaker 1: her a lesson. I got that, so I wasn't expecting
Speaker 1: her to find out what happens. Is it just I'm
Speaker 1: a horrible cheat when you when you're not used to
Speaker 1: trying to hide stuff. So when she found out, it
Speaker 1: was just like yeah, you know, like it was just
Speaker 1: like yeah, like I did it because I just do
Speaker 1: not like having too hide and then make a lie
Speaker 1: and the lie on top of a lie. But that's
Speaker 1: just me, That's who I am. So what hurt me
Speaker 1: most about Codine's transgression was when I asked about it
Speaker 1: and she knew that there was more there, and I
Speaker 1: asked who he was. She didn't upfront tell me. She
Speaker 1: made it seem like it was something it wasn't, and
Speaker 1: for me, I was just like, dang, I I gave
Speaker 1: you everything and you didn't give it to me. And
Speaker 1: men always say this, women are better cheatings than us
Speaker 1: and always heard men said all the time, And I'll
Speaker 1: be honest in that that moment, I felt like it
Speaker 1: was because when she first told me about I believe
Speaker 1: them and I wasn't worried about it, and you have
Speaker 1: no reason. I had no reason not too. So then
Speaker 1: when it came up again and then I found something else,
Speaker 1: and then it was like, well then what the hell
Speaker 1: is this? Then I was like, oh, yeah, well yeah,
Speaker 1: now that was exactly it became that. And I think
Speaker 1: what I was going through at that point was the
Speaker 1: beating myself process, like you idiot, Like how the hell
Speaker 1: did you even let it come to this? Like why
Speaker 1: we even having this discussion here? Katin? You know better
Speaker 1: than that. Ken, this is so not you, Like, there
Speaker 1: were literally about a thousand kndine sitting on my writers
Speaker 1: at that point that I literally was just like, I
Speaker 1: legitimately want to disappear. Um Am I crazy for feeling
Speaker 1: like that, because I felt like, you know, to this
Speaker 1: day sometimes I have moments where I'm just like, I
Speaker 1: can't believe I did, you know, I can't believe in it,
Speaker 1: and I'm shaking my fist in the air because it's
Speaker 1: so not like me. But you know, is that uncommon
Speaker 1: or have you heard something like that before? Yes, I've
Speaker 1: heard that, And I think it boils down to us
Speaker 1: being disappointed in ourselves because we hold ourselves at such
Speaker 1: a high level of such esteems like that's not even
Speaker 1: my thing? Why would I do that? And we question ourselves.
Speaker 1: But I don't think that it's unheard of or uncommon
Speaker 1: to feel that way or to have those feelings and
Speaker 1: to look back and like, now, what did I do
Speaker 1: that for? Again? And to have those questions. But then
Speaker 1: those are your answers moving forward. So if you find
Speaker 1: yourself tempted or find yourself in a situation, then you
Speaker 1: have that to reflect upon. And as you said, they're
Speaker 1: not mistakes. There their lessons learning and choices that you've made.
Speaker 1: So you can look back on those choices and say,
Speaker 1: I know what the outcome look before do I want
Speaker 1: to do this moving forward? And then you have a
Speaker 1: choice again yes or no? Right exactly? I mean, how
Speaker 1: do you normally approach couples who come to you with
Speaker 1: infidelity issues? Are there some common reasons that you can
Speaker 1: see that you know? Is there any likes you know?
Speaker 1: I don't want to say statistics person, but maybe statistics right,
Speaker 1: just in your experience, have you seen certain common factors
Speaker 1: that monogamous relationship UM people come in and there's they're
Speaker 1: cheating issues. One of the most common ones that I
Speaker 1: hear is that the man and the woman are on
Speaker 1: different pages sexually and different pages meaning one wants it
Speaker 1: more than than the other, one has a larger sex
Speaker 1: sexual appetite, one possibly has uh a history of trauma.
Speaker 1: So there are some things in the in the bedroom
Speaker 1: that they're not comfortable with that the significant other would like,
Speaker 1: so they step out to get that. Some individuals come
Speaker 1: in because the family has changed, rather they are new
Speaker 1: parents or they are now parents and multiples, and then
Speaker 1: that changes the dynamic in the marriage as well. Sometimes
Speaker 1: it's just they've taken their eyes off of the marriage.
Speaker 1: You know, if you're married or if you're in a
Speaker 1: relationship you've been there for a while, it's very common
Speaker 1: to get on autopilot, which is where you come in,
Speaker 1: you come and you go, you kiss, you hug, you thisss,
Speaker 1: you that, and just every day, and you're not taking
Speaker 1: up moment to really pour into the relationship, which is
Speaker 1: so important. And honestly, all of it, it all boils
Speaker 1: down to communication. It all it boils down to communication,
Speaker 1: and that lack of your communication, that lack of being
Speaker 1: able to say my needs aren't being met and or
Speaker 1: if you're saying it, the other person isn't hearing you,
Speaker 1: which also boils down to a breakdown in communication. I've
Speaker 1: heard in the past of people say, oh, well he
Speaker 1: did x y z or she did x y Z,
Speaker 1: so I did it just as a source of like revenge,
Speaker 1: like it felt better to do it because he did it.
Speaker 1: And that's kind of where I fell into with one
Speaker 1: particular scenario that I had one of my transgressions and
Speaker 1: it was kind of like, you know, he had done
Speaker 1: something me being in my feelings about it was just
Speaker 1: typoal ship whatever. I'm just gonna start sex in this dude,
Speaker 1: and who knows wherever it goes, it goes, and that's
Speaker 1: just what it was in that moment. And then you
Speaker 1: reflect on the fact, like, Okay, if this was being
Speaker 1: done to me, I wouldn't think it was just sexting
Speaker 1: or it wasn't just you know. And then it became
Speaker 1: a time when I started kind of self loathe and
Speaker 1: just feel really really upset at myself for like even
Speaker 1: allowing myself to suc come to that resentment that I
Speaker 1: felt towards him, And that in part could have just
Speaker 1: been um us not speaking more openly about it, which
Speaker 1: is where I'm thinking sometimes maybe in retrospect, it would
Speaker 1: have helped to have maybe a counselor or a therapist
Speaker 1: speak with us about it. But at that time we
Speaker 1: were just so gung ho about talking through the relationship
Speaker 1: by ourselves together because we feel like, you know who
Speaker 1: knows us better than ourselves. You know, I know you,
Speaker 1: you know me. We can explain that to each other,
Speaker 1: and one thing we pride ourselves on is being open
Speaker 1: with conversations with each other. So if I did ask
Speaker 1: him like, hey, I found something. Is this true? He's
Speaker 1: always been like yes, and then he's never like lied
Speaker 1: about it or went round about He was very straightforward
Speaker 1: with it. This is what it is, what it is.
Speaker 1: I want to live my truth. Absolutely mistakes, I make decisions.
Speaker 1: Why the piece about rebuilding trust. I think that what's
Speaker 1: most important is to be honest with one another, to
Speaker 1: be truthful, to share that truth no matter what it is,
Speaker 1: and then to also be transparent and to be open
Speaker 1: to how the other person may receive or how they
Speaker 1: feel about your truth and what you're sharing. One of
Speaker 1: my favorite things. It's a hard thing to do, but
Speaker 1: I'll be honest, it's one of my favorite things to do.
Speaker 1: When I meet new couples and there's been infidelity, is
Speaker 1: I want to lay it all on the table. Let's
Speaker 1: lay at all your truth. It's gonna hurt, it's gonna
Speaker 1: be uncomfortable, it's gonna be scary, but we have to
Speaker 1: lay it all out. And the one thing that I
Speaker 1: will ask them, I say, have you told her everything?
Speaker 1: Have you told him everything? And if the answer is yes,
Speaker 1: then my next question is if anything else comes up
Speaker 1: after this session, that means that you intentionally left it
Speaker 1: out that you intentionally did not tell that person. And
Speaker 1: sometimes I'll get the oh, yeah, I've told everything, or
Speaker 1: sometimes I'll get the you know less weight I want
Speaker 1: to talk to my significant other again or let them
Speaker 1: know something else, because the healing is not really gonna
Speaker 1: take place until you've been completely open and honest. You
Speaker 1: know I heard you that. I would say that truth
Speaker 1: came easy for you, but you having those moments Knina
Speaker 1: feeling like this isn't even like me, then yes, it's
Speaker 1: hard to be able to tell that and it hurts
Speaker 1: from I mean, it comes from a place of also
Speaker 1: to upbringing, like just to be a kind of umbrella
Speaker 1: term I could think about communication when it comes to
Speaker 1: our families. I come from a family where it's just
Speaker 1: like you don't tell this, you don't tell that, how
Speaker 1: you don't tell people your business, you don't everything is
Speaker 1: like hush, hush, quiet, quietly together. He comes from a
Speaker 1: family where it's like we're an open book and everyone's
Speaker 1: gonna talk about it, and we're gonna sit down and
Speaker 1: we're gonna have family caucuses and we're gonna discuss everything.
Speaker 1: My family community very very communicative, and I did learn
Speaker 1: from a young age when I told the truth to
Speaker 1: my parents no matter how bad it was, they helped
Speaker 1: me through it. Right. So for me in my life,
Speaker 1: telling the truth has always been my freedom when you know,
Speaker 1: when I stole something, or when I thought I was
Speaker 1: in trouble with something, let me just tell and I'll
Speaker 1: deal with the concept. When my father used to tell
Speaker 1: me all the time, a man deals with his consequences period.
Speaker 1: And I've had to learn that everybody doesn't have that
Speaker 1: same mindset. I think sometimes people make the mistake and
Speaker 1: they weaponize it, you know, to say, well, I'm just
Speaker 1: telling you the truth. You know, but that doesn't mean
Speaker 1: it has to be hurtful. That doesn't mean it has
Speaker 1: to be spiteful. That doesn't mean it has to be
Speaker 1: from a negative place. So telling the truth it can hurt,
Speaker 1: but but the truth should not be used as a
Speaker 1: can I can I play the advocate for a second,
Speaker 1: because I get a lot of this from men because
Speaker 1: I give them the same information. It was like, how
Speaker 1: did you get Codeine to trust you? And I tell
Speaker 1: I told her everything, everything sold and it was just like, no, bro,
Speaker 1: I'm not doing it. And this is the question that
Speaker 1: I get and sometimes it seems valid. And I even
Speaker 1: said this to Codeine. There were times that I was
Speaker 1: honest with Codeine about things and her response wasn't positive.
Speaker 1: You know, I felt like her response was very toxic.
Speaker 1: So for me, it was like, why bring something toxic
Speaker 1: into our relationship if I can just keep it to
Speaker 1: myself and we just have peace at home. That's the toxin.
Speaker 1: That's that's still the toxin. Being able to keep it
Speaker 1: to yourself. Now you're left with that toxin inside of
Speaker 1: you that's eventually going to come out in some way
Speaker 1: or another, one way, shape or form, whether it's through
Speaker 1: guilt rather it's through um not being able to have
Speaker 1: the liberty really fully living your life. Having told you
Speaker 1: and that's why I can't. I can't do it personally.
Speaker 1: But I try to tell people that and they're just like,
Speaker 1: I can't do it because once I say this, and
Speaker 1: this is the truth, once you tell someone that you've
Speaker 1: done something that they don't agree with, they always look
Speaker 1: at you differently. Sometimes I'll see that when individuals are
Speaker 1: in a relationship or they're on the on the journey
Speaker 1: to to get married, they'll come in and say, you
Speaker 1: know what, this thing happened to me in my past,
Speaker 1: or this thing happened to me in my childhood, and
Speaker 1: I want to be the best person for my significant
Speaker 1: other moving forward. How can I deal with it? And
Speaker 1: so we work on it as an individual. And then
Speaker 1: at the end of that work, I asked them, where
Speaker 1: are you how much of this do you want to
Speaker 1: share with somebody else? And sometimes answer is none. Sometimes
Speaker 1: the answer they get to a place where it's now
Speaker 1: off their shoulders and they are ready to tell their
Speaker 1: truth um and and it's powerful being able to get
Speaker 1: that off of your chest and being able to share
Speaker 1: that with somebody else. There's so much power and just
Speaker 1: being able to to speak our truth. It's funny you
Speaker 1: mentioned when couples come into you, it's like, are we
Speaker 1: gonna salvage this or are we gonna go our separate ways?
Speaker 1: Do you find that most couples have an idea of
Speaker 1: what they want to do coming into it or is
Speaker 1: it like really doing the sage? In most cases they do.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's once one person is still upset, so they're like,
Speaker 1: I showed up, but I don't know yet, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: that's okay, you're here there exact kind of like you're here,
Speaker 1: So that says something to me also, and so you know,
Speaker 1: if you feel that it's worth showing up, then then
Speaker 1: show up. But then I also warned people, and I
Speaker 1: warn all my clients about this that there is a
Speaker 1: risk and therapy. And so for example, if you come
Speaker 1: in saying I want to marry this person, let's do
Speaker 1: some pre marital counseling, and then through your personal development,
Speaker 1: through our work together, you realize like, nah, I don't
Speaker 1: want to do that. That's a risk. That's a risk
Speaker 1: that you take, you know, but but there's no lose
Speaker 1: in it. If you go into therapy and you realize
Speaker 1: you no longer want this thing you came in for,
Speaker 1: then that's a win because now you have clarity. If
Speaker 1: you come in and you realize, yes, I do really
Speaker 1: want this marriage and I want to keep moving forward,
Speaker 1: then you have clarity in that too. So there's no lose.
Speaker 1: But it is a risk because you may change your mind.
Speaker 1: I'm throwing out this break word right now because I've
Speaker 1: heard you know, we've even tried this, like okay, well
Speaker 1: you know things aren't going well, let's let's take a break.
Speaker 1: Let's you know, time out. Have you had couples, you know,
Speaker 1: come to you and say they're considering this option for
Speaker 1: a break. What does it mean to take a break?
Speaker 1: Does it look different for different people? Um? And does
Speaker 1: the break happen kind of automatically, doesn't mean like okay,
Speaker 1: this on the road to break up or is there
Speaker 1: a chance to kind of you know, uh, save it right?
Speaker 1: I think, Uh, it is common for people to take
Speaker 1: a break, especially when individuals are in a situation where
Speaker 1: they've been together since they were younger, since they were
Speaker 1: in high school or college years, are early adulthood and
Speaker 1: now feeling like I want to explore the world or
Speaker 1: I want to make sure that this is where I'm
Speaker 1: to be before I make that commitment, especially if they're
Speaker 1: in a relationship where they're not yet married and then
Speaker 1: they're now looking to see if they want to move
Speaker 1: forward and to actually get engaged or to get married.
Speaker 1: So let's just take a moment to see if this
Speaker 1: is what we really want before we make that jump.
Speaker 1: So a break can be common. And UM, one of
Speaker 1: the biggest things that's most important in taking a break,
Speaker 1: it boils down to communication. And I know we've been
Speaker 1: talking a lot about communication, but it's so important. And
Speaker 1: one thing I tell couples that I work with that
Speaker 1: even in your silence, you're still communicating something. Even when
Speaker 1: you're giving the silent treatment, you're still saying a whole lot. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: that's so true. We've had times where we tried to
Speaker 1: take a break in. I don't know, I don't think
Speaker 1: the terms of our breaks really worked because it's a
Speaker 1: very weird thing. It's like, even if we were piste
Speaker 1: off at each other, it's like we just couldn't stay
Speaker 1: away from each other. We just couldn't stay away from
Speaker 1: each other. I love you, I love you, and I'm um,
Speaker 1: I mean like infatuated with her outside of just love,
Speaker 1: like I'm in fact with her as a person. Even
Speaker 1: when we argue and we debate, there's something about that
Speaker 1: that just, you know, gives me an uprising in my soul,
Speaker 1: like I feel like I need to be with this
Speaker 1: person fire signs, but all sorts of flame, full full transparency.
Speaker 1: Right with breaks As a man, right, it's hard to
Speaker 1: consider your significant other going on a break because the
Speaker 1: first thing you think is them being with someone else.
Speaker 1: I came to terms very early in our relationship. And
Speaker 1: maybe this is crazy. You can tell me them crazy
Speaker 1: that at some point Kadina is going to be with
Speaker 1: somebody else. I just I came to terms with that
Speaker 1: when we had our arguments and our debates and we
Speaker 1: had our transgressions, and people ask me something, what do
Speaker 1: you think kadin was with this person? I honestly feel like,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't care. If I didn't meet Cadine
Speaker 1: when I was eighteen and I met her when I
Speaker 1: was twenty five, that seven years of us not being together,
Speaker 1: she probably would have been with other people. Do you
Speaker 1: think it is crazy? Because people think that I'm crazy
Speaker 1: when I say that, even with her, the transgression she
Speaker 1: had right, She'll say that, She'll say me because I
Speaker 1: said it all the time. I said, well, you said
Speaker 1: you wasn't texting them what you was. You say you'll
Speaker 1: never slept together, How do I know? Because you wouldn't
Speaker 1: admit that. And then she'd be like, you don't trust me,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I don't trust you. I'm just saying
Speaker 1: that I don't know. It doesn't matter to me either way,
Speaker 1: and the people like you don't care? And does do
Speaker 1: I sound crazy saying that? At that point, you know,
Speaker 1: we've had to clean about so much stuff that I'm
Speaker 1: just like at this point, like, I mean, we know
Speaker 1: that we're not crazy for that, because people will say
Speaker 1: the same thing to me that I have women say,
Speaker 1: like so you don't think like Devout being in the
Speaker 1: industry now and he's going to be a big time actor,
Speaker 1: like you're not worried about him doing that, Like and
Speaker 1: I'm just kind of like the VAL's gonna make his choices.
Speaker 1: But at least I know that we're going to be
Speaker 1: honest with each other that it then empowers me to
Speaker 1: make a choice. Am I going to stick around? And
Speaker 1: I'm not going to stick around? Like that's what we've
Speaker 1: given each other. So you know, you can weigh in
Speaker 1: on that. But I know there's also different levels to break,
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna break that down. There are different levels
Speaker 1: And and no, I don't think you're crazy Devout for
Speaker 1: a thinking that. What I do here, though, is that
Speaker 1: you've made your peace with that. So if she has
Speaker 1: or if she hasn't, you've made your peace. And if
Speaker 1: she were to share truth that that is in line
Speaker 1: with your peace, and it also helps the lower the blow,
Speaker 1: Like Okay, Well, in my mind I thought that this
Speaker 1: may have happened. Then that helps a lesson or lower
Speaker 1: the blow, and hopefully you know, in our minds, we're
Speaker 1: thinking that we're protecting our hearts by saying, Okay, it
Speaker 1: already happened, so sorry. Your truth in line with my peace.
Speaker 1: The reason why I think that's important is because your
Speaker 1: truth to other people may be bad or harsh, but
Speaker 1: if it's in line with my peace and it doesn't matter,
Speaker 1: that's important because so many people allow other people to
Speaker 1: get involved in their relationships. So it's like, you should
Speaker 1: be upset about what he did, because but if she's
Speaker 1: not upset, then it shouldn't matter. Your relationship, your rules
Speaker 1: that we can share help me know that's important. It
Speaker 1: is important. I get it because a lot of times
Speaker 1: you have people who lean on, you know, friends, fan
Speaker 1: and that's one thing I would say that the val
Speaker 1: and I really don't do is calling in reinforcements because
Speaker 1: as quick as we tend to maybe get past something,
Speaker 1: then you have that family member or that friend who
Speaker 1: still piste off about it, and then it just creates
Speaker 1: more of a toxic environment. You're trying to work past something,
Speaker 1: you know, and that's something we even try to tell
Speaker 1: our younger siblings and like our friends, like, please don't
Speaker 1: involve me and what you got going on. I would
Speaker 1: like to maintain the relationship that I have with you
Speaker 1: for what it is. Your relationship with him or her
Speaker 1: has absolutely nothing to do with right, because you know
Speaker 1: each other on intimate level that other people don't, so
Speaker 1: you can be more forgiving and your heart is softer,
Speaker 1: whereas someone on the outside, they just know the dirt
Speaker 1: that you've shared in the and whatever other rules they
Speaker 1: made up in their mind about your relationship, they can
Speaker 1: easily detach at that point for sure. Well, according to Bustle,
Speaker 1: there are five different ways that couples can take a
Speaker 1: break from each other, all right, So I'm gonna say
Speaker 1: the first one is the black outbreak. That's when you
Speaker 1: the couple has no contact with each other, like zero
Speaker 1: ZiLs nothing, We don't we couldn't do that, we tried that.
Speaker 1: Then there's the not setting parameters, when a couple doesn't
Speaker 1: set rules for what a break means, like whether or
Speaker 1: not they can date other people or not. I think
Speaker 1: that too would be an issue for us, because when
Speaker 1: we talked about break, it was kind of like, well,
Speaker 1: so are you going to talk to somebody else, somebody else.
Speaker 1: My wife set rules, right, and when she set the
Speaker 1: rules and break them and she would just be like, well,
Speaker 1: I set that rule, but when you started it, I
Speaker 1: didn't think I was gonna feel this way. So now
Speaker 1: we've got to change the rule. Change And that was
Speaker 1: an issue with us. A cop have a moment it
Speaker 1: was like, you want to do a break and it's
Speaker 1: just like, yeah, I'm just like whatever. That like in
Speaker 1: the moment of me being just like upset, like whatever,
Speaker 1: I'm tired of arguing about the same over and over again. Fine,
Speaker 1: do whatever you want. And then he doesn't, and I'm like, nik,
Speaker 1: he wasn't supposed to do it. I think you're actually
Speaker 1: gonna act on that now that she wanted to be
Speaker 1: a whole actor. What we're gonna do is and seen renegotiates.
Speaker 1: There we go, we shape the contract. I think is
Speaker 1: I'm cool with that. I'm fine with if you're being
Speaker 1: honest and saying you didn't you know, you didn't want this,
Speaker 1: or you didn't expect this, let's change up. What I'm
Speaker 1: not cool with, though, is you're just getting a whole
Speaker 1: attitude and then making demands without communications. There's been growth
Speaker 1: since there's been a growth. So this third one here,
Speaker 1: the monogamy break, is something that I think that probably
Speaker 1: we would have wanted to implement on each other. And
Speaker 1: that's couples explicitly decide to implement a no dating rule
Speaker 1: and it's clearly discussed that there will be no dating
Speaker 1: or sleeping with anyone other than or So what break
Speaker 1: is that and also to it depends on what's the
Speaker 1: reason for the reason. Some people want to go on
Speaker 1: a break because they feel like, oh, I want to break,
Speaker 1: then I can go ahead and just sleep with whoever.
Speaker 1: Some people want to have a break because they need
Speaker 1: to just like reprogram themselves. Maybe they need to kind
Speaker 1: of reassess where they are personally. Maybe it maybe an
Speaker 1: individual thing and not just always wanted to sleep with
Speaker 1: somebody else. They may want to detach a little bit, right,
Speaker 1: And I think that's healthy. Would you say for someone
Speaker 1: who wants it's healthy, especially if you're on a journey
Speaker 1: of just getting to know self, because there are some
Speaker 1: parts of self that you're not going to get to
Speaker 1: know in a relationship. But then on the flip side,
Speaker 1: there's some parts of self that you will only get
Speaker 1: to know in a relationship because you guys, I'm sure
Speaker 1: that you have been tested in ways in your marriage
Speaker 1: that you were not tested in ways in your singleness. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: I think marriage has made me a very more mature,
Speaker 1: a hard working, discipline person. Like. Marriage has definitely helps
Speaker 1: me bro that in parenting. Must not even talk about
Speaker 1: its parenting is in a whole nother level taught me,
Speaker 1: has taught me discipline, like, Yeah, for sure, it definitely
Speaker 1: has taught me discipline outside of just sex, because we
Speaker 1: talk about sex a lot, because that's probably the number
Speaker 1: one question. Marriage has taught me discipline on how I
Speaker 1: respond to my wife rather than react when she says
Speaker 1: something or does something. Don't just react. You gotta respond
Speaker 1: and respond. You take a second, and you're you're a
Speaker 1: reactor and I've learned that she's she's a reactor and
Speaker 1: I'm a little sensitive. So you guys have to balance
Speaker 1: each other. Yeah, we don't have to balance. This one
Speaker 1: is interesting. The pre the prelude to the breakup break
Speaker 1: a break that becomes a breakup. Sometimes a couple realizes
Speaker 1: that they're on a break and that's pretty much what
Speaker 1: they want to do is break up. Yeah, sometimes that's common,
Speaker 1: especially if we don't have the courage or we're not
Speaker 1: ready yet to completely step away, then we may do
Speaker 1: a little preview to see what it feels like, kind
Speaker 1: of like dipping our toe into the pool before we
Speaker 1: decide to jump in. See that's you know what. I
Speaker 1: don't mind that because rather than have resentment with somebody
Speaker 1: because you feel obligated and feel stuck, let's go on
Speaker 1: a break. If I don't miss you after a couple
Speaker 1: of days, I don't speak to you for a week.
Speaker 1: You know, I don't miss this person, and I'm not
Speaker 1: like you going that break and then you realize that
Speaker 1: it's like, you know what, let's shake hands. I think
Speaker 1: that makes you drink every now and again. But it
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be that. But I feel like some
Speaker 1: people either hold in or nothing. You know, we either
Speaker 1: together and it's analogamous. There's there's no trial and error,
Speaker 1: and like we talked before, there's no grace in relationships.
Speaker 1: There's always we're together right now, you follow all my rules.
Speaker 1: A minute you step out is over. I have yet
Speaker 1: to see a relationship that works that now that does
Speaker 1: not work. I haven't seen not one relationship, no, not
Speaker 1: for long. No, we've had friends who they say that
Speaker 1: this is my this is it, and then they've even
Speaker 1: even given grace. And after a while I was like, well,
Speaker 1: I thought you said you wasn't gonna put up with that,
Speaker 1: and he's like, well, you know it, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't judge them now. I'm like, I'm like you see,
Speaker 1: like that's that's life. It is life, and it's huge.
Speaker 1: And while we were talking about the topic of renegotiation,
Speaker 1: that's important in all relationships. At some point in your relationship,
Speaker 1: in your marriage, you're going to have to renegotiate partnership.
Speaker 1: When you first got married, life looks very different before kids.
Speaker 1: Whence you have kids, life looks very different. Or when
Speaker 1: you go into relationship you think, well I'm going to
Speaker 1: be this way, he's going to be that way, or
Speaker 1: we're gonna do things this way. And then children kind
Speaker 1: our jobs change. One goes back to school, and now
Speaker 1: the household looks different, so we need to renegotiate partnership.
Speaker 1: I know, before I said I do all the cooking,
Speaker 1: but now that I'm back at school, that's not working anymore.
Speaker 1: We've definitely been It's funny because so many people have
Speaker 1: have like hashtag us a couple of goals, right, not
Speaker 1: gonna lie hate it. I do hate it, Like I
Speaker 1: appreciate it and I love it, and I appreciate the admiration,
Speaker 1: but I feel like they get it from social media,
Speaker 1: and social media is a highlight. And then I feel
Speaker 1: like we owe them the truth about everything so that
Speaker 1: you can realize in yourself, like, no, you're you're in
Speaker 1: a couple. You're a couple of goal to you know,
Speaker 1: you and you and your significant other being together seven
Speaker 1: years and you're fighting through and y'all argue and y'all
Speaker 1: go on breaks and you're getting back together. That's a
Speaker 1: couple of goals. People who are fighting for their relationships
Speaker 1: is a couple of goal, not just taking the nice
Speaker 1: pictures for us. I feel like it's important to divulge.
Speaker 1: Some people say, you know, you know, why would you
Speaker 1: talk about your past trains questions? Because it's important. It's important,
Speaker 1: it's a testimony and it can really help someone else
Speaker 1: when sometimes we go through things in life, not just
Speaker 1: for ourselves but for somebody else. About the couple's goals.
Speaker 1: One thing that when I think about you guys, and
Speaker 1: I see hashtag couples goals. What I think of as
Speaker 1: the goal is the friendship. You know, you guys have
Speaker 1: a friendship, and I feel that here. I see that
Speaker 1: in your social media. I see that in your in
Speaker 1: your videos, and that is so important. And I know
Speaker 1: it sounds cliche, like, oh, you have to be friends
Speaker 1: with your significant other, so so cliche, but it's so
Speaker 1: cliche because it's so important. It's true doing what's saying Like,
Speaker 1: I know it sounds cliche, yes, because as soon as
Speaker 1: you say that, people like here she goes with that
Speaker 1: textbook called monster, Like I'm saying it because it's true.
Speaker 1: You know, I see it in my professional work and
Speaker 1: I see it in my personal life as well. I
Speaker 1: think the friendship aspect of our relationship has saved us
Speaker 1: a lot. It gives so much grace. It saved us
Speaker 1: so much because at that point, those points where you
Speaker 1: had those difficult conversations and it's just like damn, I
Speaker 1: can't believe my husband caught me with this, and it's
Speaker 1: just like damn. But that there's a friendship hair that
Speaker 1: makes it that much harder to just walk away, right,
Speaker 1: you know what, It makes it that much harder to
Speaker 1: walk away. People give more grace to their friends they
Speaker 1: do than they give this significant or to that toxic
Speaker 1: as family member over Thanksgiving, Like you know what I mean? Why? Why?
Speaker 1: Why do you think that people are willing to give
Speaker 1: more grace other than the fact that, Okay, I'm not
Speaker 1: sleeping with my best friend. But it's like, why are
Speaker 1: you willing to give more grace to this person than
Speaker 1: someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Speaker 1: I think that in a friendship there's a level of
Speaker 1: intimacy and there's a level of closeness and vulnerability that
Speaker 1: we don't always see in relationships. Sometimes people feel that
Speaker 1: in a relationship they have to act a certain way
Speaker 1: or put a mask on. But the truth is, the
Speaker 1: best relationship is the one where you can take that
Speaker 1: mask off, you can completely be yourself and that person
Speaker 1: loves you unconditionally no matter what. And so when we're
Speaker 1: not friends with our significant other, we're truly doing ourselves
Speaker 1: in our relationship with disservice because there's so much growth
Speaker 1: that can happen and being your significant other's friends and
Speaker 1: wanting to hang out with each other because there will
Speaker 1: be some points in your relationship where you can't have
Speaker 1: sex and So if the relationship is all about the
Speaker 1: sex and it's going to crumble, but if we can
Speaker 1: set up and play cards together because I just had
Speaker 1: a baby two weeks ago and I cannot have sex yet,
Speaker 1: then and we can still enjoy each other's company, tell
Speaker 1: you something, you just you really just spoke. You just
Speaker 1: spoke our life. We talked so much how high my
Speaker 1: sex drive is. And Cadine had three children and her
Speaker 1: sex drive business high. And men asked me all the time, bro,
Speaker 1: how do you stay monogamous when you your woman doesn't
Speaker 1: want to have sex? Codine and I watch movies, You
Speaker 1: play cards, We edit videos. We like, there's so many
Speaker 1: other things we do during that time that I enjoy that.
Speaker 1: Of course, I enjoy having sex with my wife, like
Speaker 1: she's beautiful, you know, I'm a man. I love it,
Speaker 1: But there's so many other things. So I have I
Speaker 1: have a question for you, codem me. Okay, once you
Speaker 1: found out that I cheated, how were you able to
Speaker 1: get through that? Like how were you able to put
Speaker 1: yourself into space where it was like, okay, let me
Speaker 1: start trying to trust the vale again, or trying to
Speaker 1: work on this marriage, Like what were you going through
Speaker 1: during that time. Well, um, I think the first thing
Speaker 1: for me was I knew that it wasn't on you
Speaker 1: to do anything, particularly to make me trust you again.
Speaker 1: The first step was I had to decide, Okay, here
Speaker 1: I am presented with the scenario. This is what happened.
Speaker 1: I'm now giving a choice. Do I want to stick
Speaker 1: around to work this out or do I not. The
Speaker 1: first thing for me wasn't to eat automatically throw it
Speaker 1: on you and say, de Val, you have to do X,
Speaker 1: Y and Z and now prove to me that you're
Speaker 1: worthy of you know, me sticking around, And you have
Speaker 1: to do X y Z to prove that I can try,
Speaker 1: Like you have to open up your phone to me
Speaker 1: now and show me your phone and day like to me,
Speaker 1: I didn't feel like that was necessary for me. I
Speaker 1: felt like, all right, and do that And I didn't
Speaker 1: do that. No, and I felt like, Okay, I have
Speaker 1: to make a choice. I love Devot enough to stick
Speaker 1: around based off of what he's told me. Also, knowing
Speaker 1: to Deval is just not like I said before, ain't ship, dude,
Speaker 1: It's just like out hearing these streets. Um, I don't
Speaker 1: want to say you had a reason for cheating, because
Speaker 1: I don't like having a reason for cheating means that
Speaker 1: there's like, you know, there's an excuse almost they are
Speaker 1: built in. So I wouldn't say there was a reason
Speaker 1: for it, but it did have me kind of have
Speaker 1: a period of introspection now to say, okay, Katine, so
Speaker 1: this has happened. Can you understand at least where he
Speaker 1: may have been, what he may have been feeling, what
Speaker 1: may have led up to these chain of events that
Speaker 1: maybe you can now take control of and change. Can
Speaker 1: you take a little bit of a responsibility and saying,
Speaker 1: you know what, maybe I wasn't doing X y Z
Speaker 1: in that moment, and that's exactly what I did, because
Speaker 1: you did have some valid points when we started having
Speaker 1: the conversation. Though I was hurt, though I was upset it, um,
Speaker 1: I do feel like there was areas that I could
Speaker 1: potentially grow on to then give it a second chance,
Speaker 1: if that makes sense. So it makes sense because I
Speaker 1: felt like I was in the same space. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: I felt like at that point, you know what, this
Speaker 1: room for growth for both of us. We were both
Speaker 1: really young, we were going through a lot of things
Speaker 1: at the same time. UM So for me, I felt like,
Speaker 1: you know what, let me give to the out another
Speaker 1: chance because it's worth it. UM. I found I think
Speaker 1: there was value in our relationship at that point too.
Speaker 1: We had already had our first son. It was like,
Speaker 1: you know, after this one scenario, I'm not gonna throw
Speaker 1: everything away, UM. And I felt like you were just
Speaker 1: worth it, like you were my you are my best friend.
Speaker 1: In that moment, you were my best friend. And I
Speaker 1: feel like we had a moment and it happens, and
Speaker 1: I think you're human, and I didn't want to treat
Speaker 1: you as um as this scenario being like something that
Speaker 1: was super human, like you know what I mean, like
Speaker 1: you like you don't have feelings, like you don't have emotions.
Speaker 1: I tried to really really it as hard as it was,
Speaker 1: I tried to really kind of think about where you
Speaker 1: were in your mindset at that point, and then I
Speaker 1: had to decide if it was something that I could
Speaker 1: deal with. And you gave me time. I mean time
Speaker 1: was also a very big factor for us, because I
Speaker 1: was then able to say you know what, slowly but
Speaker 1: surely as I got over it, I knew that I
Speaker 1: was able to just, you know, give it another shot.
Speaker 1: Does that sound like Melissa likes, like the proper steps
Speaker 1: you should take if you want to be in a relationship. Yeah. Absolutely.
Speaker 1: One thing a few things that Kadin said that I
Speaker 1: really appreciate. She didn't not take ownership for for your choice,
Speaker 1: but she did see where some areas she could be
Speaker 1: responsible in making changes within herself. And then she also
Speaker 1: checked in and said, is this worth it? Is this
Speaker 1: something that I want to continue on? And when we
Speaker 1: make that decision knowing that it can be challenging moving forward,
Speaker 1: but now we've made a choice to stay and so
Speaker 1: if I choose to say, then that means I'm willing
Speaker 1: to do the work to make this happen. And the
Speaker 1: other thing that was said that I really appreciate is
Speaker 1: that you gave her time, which is so important because
Speaker 1: sometimes you know, when we have our transgressions, we feel like,
Speaker 1: well that's over, I've changed, I'm not doing that anymore.
Speaker 1: Let's move forward. Like no, I still need time. I
Speaker 1: need time to heal. And just like if couldn't get
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, couldn't get the wound, or devout gets a wound,
Speaker 1: it's going to heal differently, and so we all heal
Speaker 1: at different rates and giving each other time to be
Speaker 1: able to heal and have our own process is so
Speaker 1: important for sure. And I think it's a point you
Speaker 1: said about the time too, because people will hear this
Speaker 1: and they will feel like, I gotta feel like that
Speaker 1: in the moment it happens, and you didn't feel like
Speaker 1: this in the moment. It's like I said, uh, hindsight,
Speaker 1: when I found out about codeine, I did not feel
Speaker 1: like that. Initially, I was pissed, like ape ship pissed,
Speaker 1: and I wasn't sitting here, you know, like, well, let
Speaker 1: me think back about introspection. It was all about I'm
Speaker 1: about to kill his fool, and then you know, it's
Speaker 1: a time. It's a time. So I think it's important
Speaker 1: that you couldn't have reacted like that with me because
Speaker 1: I was like probably nursing Jackson at the time, so
Speaker 1: I couldn't fly off the hands like I might have
Speaker 1: wanted to. I think my hormones were like still doing
Speaker 1: the roller coaster fact after baby and whatnot, so I
Speaker 1: probably was a little more um then you. You were
Speaker 1: you you were. You were very calm when I told you,
Speaker 1: and I think I kind of felt something was I
Speaker 1: felt the disconnect to so it's like I almost wasn't surprised.
Speaker 1: I kind of like when you said you set yourself
Speaker 1: a buffer, like how you have the buffer, like, well,
Speaker 1: if she did or not, like at this point, like whatever,
Speaker 1: I made peace with it in myself. So if Kadean
Speaker 1: did this or not, then it was whatever. I think.
Speaker 1: I kind of had this buffer within me, like I
Speaker 1: kind of feel like it's a disconnecting something wrong. So
Speaker 1: it was almost like a relief when it did happen,
Speaker 1: because it's like, my gut, my gut wasn't lying to
Speaker 1: me when you talking about that woman, the female intuition
Speaker 1: and the gut, I felt deep down there was something
Speaker 1: going on, and I was like, Okay, this is not
Speaker 1: post baby situations. This is actually a legitimate feeling I'm feeling.
Speaker 1: So I want to say, in a strange way, it
Speaker 1: was almost a sense of relief once I found out
Speaker 1: about it, because I was like, Okay, so I'm not crazy.
Speaker 1: I'm not crazy, So don't make my gut act up again.
Speaker 1: I because you know, I'm not just gonna be popping
Speaker 1: the pepto bismol like I trying to have those problems
Speaker 1: because all of your people that rock what you're gonna
Speaker 1: come for me. I'm gonna have six hundred thousand women
Speaker 1: at my doorstep talking about I'm not trying to have
Speaker 1: that problem for sure, But what about with you when
Speaker 1: it when it comes to um. I guess regating trust
Speaker 1: and being able to just kind of work pass things
Speaker 1: like was there anything that particularly helped you that maybe
Speaker 1: will help another man or woman. I think being an
Speaker 1: athlete and realizing that everybody makes mistakes and realizing that
Speaker 1: you realize you don't realize the mistakes you make. To
Speaker 1: you see yourself on camera, remember that I told you
Speaker 1: that I and this guy don't lie. I learned as
Speaker 1: an athlete very young. I was a team when we
Speaker 1: first started film in practice, and I remember getting screamed
Speaker 1: that by a coach and getting berated, and he was saying,
Speaker 1: you're supposed to run six yards and I was like
Speaker 1: I ran six yards. He's like, no, you ran five
Speaker 1: yards and I was just like I ran and we
Speaker 1: arguing until I get into the office and we watched
Speaker 1: the film and I was wrong. At that point is
Speaker 1: when I realized, you know, in my mind as a person,
Speaker 1: I thought I was doing the right thing. But it
Speaker 1: took me seeing it from someone else's perspective to say,
Speaker 1: you know what, I don't know everything. So I started
Speaker 1: to take that approach with my friends, my family, and
Speaker 1: my my wife, my significant others. So when you make
Speaker 1: a decision that's in the best interest for you, I
Speaker 1: don't anymore. I'm not in a position that way. I'm
Speaker 1: just going to scream at you and think it has
Speaker 1: to be done this way. So even during that time,
Speaker 1: I remember asking you. I said, well, and this is
Speaker 1: the guy's on the shoes. I said, do you feel
Speaker 1: like this is something you need to continue for yourself?
Speaker 1: I asked, I did because I didn't want to be
Speaker 1: lied to and I didn't want to be deceived. So
Speaker 1: if it was, I wanted her to be honest with
Speaker 1: me and it will make decisions accordingly, because I didn't
Speaker 1: want to be sitting here in the dark. So if
Speaker 1: you feel like you need that, right, I need a choice.
Speaker 1: If you feel like you need that, tell me, and
Speaker 1: if that is then we can find a way to
Speaker 1: work through it. Now we may not be together, but
Speaker 1: at least I knew that you needed that, and it's
Speaker 1: not something that I was. You know, something that I
Speaker 1: could do is something you needed? Yeah, I think in
Speaker 1: both scenarios it was the similar thing, like, if that's
Speaker 1: it is going to make you happy, I would sleep
Speaker 1: better at night knowing that you're going to be happy
Speaker 1: doing what it is that makes you feel good, like
Speaker 1: and not just feel good in that moment because it's
Speaker 1: something sexual, but that you know being here is not
Speaker 1: where you're going to be the happiest. And also realizing
Speaker 1: that we can't control each other's happiness, like I can
Speaker 1: be happy, you can be happy to be happy together,
Speaker 1: but if I'm going to be depending on you to
Speaker 1: create this level of happiness, not going to it's just
Speaker 1: not gonna work. And and having those false hopes and
Speaker 1: those false pretenses of just like, okay, this is what
Speaker 1: you should expect when you do marry somebody. It's just
Speaker 1: not realistic. Absolutely, it goes back to that a little
Speaker 1: bit that's saying, you know, marriage is fifty fifty, Like no,
Speaker 1: it's not. Marriage is a hundred percent you and a
Speaker 1: hundred percent me. So I have to bring my hundred
Speaker 1: percent self, my happiness, my joy, find that within myself,
Speaker 1: and then bring that to my marriage in order for
Speaker 1: us to have a happy marriage. The happiness cannot resonate
Speaker 1: and depend on one person. That's so important. And the
Speaker 1: piece about having that open communication you give the other
Speaker 1: person a choice and continue. You made a statement and said,
Speaker 1: you know, is are you happy? Because if you're not
Speaker 1: happy here, it's gonna happen again, And so being honest
Speaker 1: with each other, but also having to be honest with yourself,
Speaker 1: you know, and sometimes that's hard, No, for sure, Sometimes
Speaker 1: you may have to learn the hard way. There may
Speaker 1: be people who feel like, you know what, in this moment,
Speaker 1: I don't want to be with you, or it's going
Speaker 1: to make me happier to be elsewhere, and then you
Speaker 1: may have to take that gamble. You go elsewhere and
Speaker 1: you realize that should that grass and greener right, and
Speaker 1: then it's like we you know a lot of it.
Speaker 1: Sometimes two is a gamble, don't you think? Yeah, absolutely
Speaker 1: is a gamble. You can walk away and not find
Speaker 1: what you're looking for, or you can walk away and
Speaker 1: you also risk the other person finding somebody else, and
Speaker 1: then you come back knocking on the door and they're like,
Speaker 1: somebody else lives there now. But I mean, I feel
Speaker 1: like the the trial is the tribulation, is the transgressions,
Speaker 1: all of it whatever you want to call it, that
Speaker 1: we've had um totally make us like stronger, Like they're
Speaker 1: know such things that perfect anything, um and it's just
Speaker 1: not realistic. But it's not. And the funny thing is
Speaker 1: means there's a lot of memes that say, you know,
Speaker 1: don't come to me a broken person. You got to
Speaker 1: be a full person when you come to me to
Speaker 1: be with me. And I'm like, if that's your mindset
Speaker 1: for dating someone, you're gonna be in for rood or
Speaker 1: that's why you alone, right, that's why you alone. Because
Speaker 1: it's not a women a broken thing or men are broken.
Speaker 1: We are all broken people trying to figure out life,
Speaker 1: like we all I hate just guessing, trying to figure
Speaker 1: out what life is. And when you're trying to be
Speaker 1: with someone for the rest of your life, the broken
Speaker 1: parts of them and the broken parts of you're going
Speaker 1: to have to come together to form that union. So
Speaker 1: I'm open to say I've I'm broken, I've been broken,
Speaker 1: I'm still very much broken, and I'm just I'm working
Speaker 1: on myself and right, and that's the important piece. It's
Speaker 1: being able to work on yourself, having that self awareness
Speaker 1: of like these are the pieces that I'm broken, so
Speaker 1: I'm working on them. I think when we neglect the work,
Speaker 1: then that's where the trouble comes in. And there will
Speaker 1: be some pieces, as you said, that are still broken
Speaker 1: when you come together, and some pieces that you didn't
Speaker 1: even realize are broken. And so you come together, but
Speaker 1: you have to at least be doing the work. If
Speaker 1: you're not doing the work, then that's where the trouble
Speaker 1: comes no, for sure. And then I also know that
Speaker 1: the way to Valie deal with things may not be
Speaker 1: traditional and we don't want to see like where the
Speaker 1: experts and is. Of course that's why we brought you in.
Speaker 1: I'm hoping what people will take away from this episode
Speaker 1: today is that you know, everyone deals with things differently.
Speaker 1: There's certain flags that they should maybe look for when
Speaker 1: it comes to infidelities and cheating um. And also to
Speaker 1: knowing that some most relationships that want to say, I
Speaker 1: hope are worth the working through, and then some aren't.
Speaker 1: And I guess trying to learn where that is some aren't.
Speaker 1: And one question to ask yourself if you're considering a
Speaker 1: break or considering not getting back together after transgression is
Speaker 1: does the good outweigh the bad? And only you know
Speaker 1: the answers right for sure. Yeah, this is a great Well,
Speaker 1: we're gonna keep you around because you know, all right, guest,
Speaker 1: so that would be good. We get tons of letters
Speaker 1: in from people asking them right, so we picked to today.
Speaker 1: We're okay, you can help us answer right, Let's get
Speaker 1: expert opinion. But we're going to do that after we
Speaker 1: take a quick break and get into some ads. This
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Speaker 1: Apple podcasts or your favorite podcast app. Alright, so pretty
Speaker 1: heavy topic here today. We always laugh and joke Melissa that, um,
Speaker 1: the podcast is like our therapy because people see us
Speaker 1: in different formats like, of course on YouTube being fun
Speaker 1: with the family and Instagram with the funny videos. But
Speaker 1: the podcast was so perfect for us as an extension
Speaker 1: of those because we can really like talk through some things.
Speaker 1: And I can't tell you how many times we leave
Speaker 1: here and on the ride home we're just like, I
Speaker 1: can't believe he really felt that way in this today.
Speaker 1: It happens a lot with us. So thank you for
Speaker 1: sitting in and talk to some difficult things. It's your
Speaker 1: quiet time. It's an adult time when we can talk
Speaker 1: to each other and talk to other adults, So thank
Speaker 1: you for that. So we're gonna jump into a listener. Letters.
Speaker 1: We picked out two. I'm gonna go ahead and read
Speaker 1: the first one. Hello, guys, I needed us know what
Speaker 1: to do. I'm twenty five years old and my husband
Speaker 1: is twenty nine, and we've been married for three years,
Speaker 1: but we've been together for seven. We also have a
Speaker 1: two and a three year old. I recently found out
Speaker 1: my husband cheated on me exclamation points is. I found
Speaker 1: out about it because I went through his I g
Speaker 1: and I saw a whole conversation. Right when they were
Speaker 1: planning it, he went to her house told me he
Speaker 1: would be at a bar with a coworker after work.
Speaker 1: By the time he told me that, I already knew
Speaker 1: that he would go to her house. I had her address,
Speaker 1: and I knew what was about to happen, but I
Speaker 1: was in so much shock that I froze and didn't
Speaker 1: know what to do. He now knows that I know
Speaker 1: everything that happened and hasn't apologized or said anything to
Speaker 1: make me feel like and hasn't apologized to make me
Speaker 1: oh sorry, said anything to make me feel better. Sorry.
Speaker 1: I'm so disappointed and broken about it. I feel stuck
Speaker 1: because of the family we have, and he's an excellent father.
Speaker 1: I can't take that away from him, but he's hurt
Speaker 1: me so bad. I think I need a divorce, but
Speaker 1: I just don't know. Okay, y, yeah, what do you think, Melissa.
Speaker 1: That's a tough situation to be in. You know, she
Speaker 1: said that he's an excellent father. They have two children together,
Speaker 1: ages two and three. That means their children are close
Speaker 1: in age and and still fairly young. Yep, um. I
Speaker 1: think one of the things that she must decide is
Speaker 1: what does she want, you know? And even that can
Speaker 1: be writing down on a sheet of paper the pros
Speaker 1: and the cons of of staying in, the pros and
Speaker 1: the cons of of leaving, you know, and then just
Speaker 1: taking some time to look at that, and to not
Speaker 1: feel the pressure of feeling that she has to rush
Speaker 1: a decision because it happened, that she has to react
Speaker 1: immediately to get a divorce or to stay, to be
Speaker 1: able to take her time. They've been married for three years,
Speaker 1: together for seven that's not a relationship that one may
Speaker 1: want to just throw away. And there's no judgment if
Speaker 1: she decides to leave, and there's no judgment if she
Speaker 1: decides to stay. But one of the most important pieces
Speaker 1: is to have a communication, to have a conversation should
Speaker 1: excuse me with her husband and and find out what
Speaker 1: his truth is. Is this the relationship that he plans
Speaker 1: to continue? Is this a trans transgression that he plans
Speaker 1: to go back to? If he's making a commitment to
Speaker 1: stay in the marriage and that he's not going to
Speaker 1: continue to step out, then UM one thing that I
Speaker 1: recommend for my couples, once we've told our truth and
Speaker 1: we've told everything, if it's one UM particular transgression. Then
Speaker 1: I say call that person in front of your significant
Speaker 1: other and let them know that you no longer want
Speaker 1: to continue that transgression and that you're making a commitment
Speaker 1: to stay in your marriage. And that sometimes will tell
Speaker 1: you what you need to know. If that person is
Speaker 1: not willing, then let's talk about why you're not willing,
Speaker 1: you know. But if they are willing, like, yes, I'm
Speaker 1: willing to fight from my marriage, I will call whoever
Speaker 1: I need to call and tell them that it's over.
Speaker 1: Then they will step in and they will be able
Speaker 1: to do that. Wow, this better than me because she
Speaker 1: had a whole address that she ain't pull up and
Speaker 1: be like, hey, would be in my group, chick. We
Speaker 1: did in a couple of drive byss. You know what's
Speaker 1: funny listening to this. They're probably in that transitional phase
Speaker 1: where they got married, had two kids right away, you know,
Speaker 1: trying to figure out who they are again. And Yeah,
Speaker 1: what stuck out to me was like the two and
Speaker 1: three year old in that whole back to that kids
Speaker 1: can be a beast. We know what that is. That's
Speaker 1: three and two is. It's literally the same thing. So
Speaker 1: think about it. Pregnant, well married, pregnant, had a baby, pregnant,
Speaker 1: had a baby, had infant, the newborn, infant, toddler. So
Speaker 1: for the past four and a half years they have
Speaker 1: not been had a lot in the same space they
Speaker 1: were when they got married. And you're probably trying to
Speaker 1: navigate together seven years. So that was at least what
Speaker 1: for three and a half four years before children were involved,
Speaker 1: and if things were going well till then again, like
Speaker 1: you said, children come in, there's a transition relationship the process. Um,
Speaker 1: he you know, he cheated. I don't know if I
Speaker 1: need a divorce. What do you think when you start
Speaker 1: asking other people what they think about what you should
Speaker 1: do right now, you're allowing people to decide what your
Speaker 1: life is going to She knows what she feels, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. She knows what she feels, do
Speaker 1: what you feel. It sounds like she's she's looking for
Speaker 1: permission for whatever that is, and the only person that
Speaker 1: can give her that permission is because she has to
Speaker 1: live with whatever that decision is. Absolutely, I always say
Speaker 1: you can sleep with yourself at night, regardless of what
Speaker 1: it is. Go for it, all right. So I'll read
Speaker 1: the second question. A longtime fan and recent listener to
Speaker 1: your podcast. I am going through a rough breakup with
Speaker 1: the person I've been with for five years. We were loving,
Speaker 1: We were loving to one another, but things took a
Speaker 1: bad term when we tried to make it work in
Speaker 1: the last few months but couldn't make it work. We
Speaker 1: are friends now and giving each other space. We kind
Speaker 1: of still want to be win each other back, but
Speaker 1: we just don't want to mess things up. What is
Speaker 1: the best solution for the situation I am in with her?
Speaker 1: Should I cut off all contact with her permanently or
Speaker 1: just wait it out and work on getting back to
Speaker 1: me in that break though period. To the young man
Speaker 1: who wrote this, because we don't get a lot of
Speaker 1: guys who right in, but they're in that break period,
Speaker 1: he talked about the break before break up before they
Speaker 1: get back. Yeah, the prelude, the prelude to the break
Speaker 1: up break. That's what this is. This is what I
Speaker 1: think they want a break right now. And he's still
Speaker 1: thinking about her enough to listen to dead as podcast
Speaker 1: and write in. That means he misses hers and he
Speaker 1: probably wants a relationship, So I would say work towards it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: if you care this much to write in and try
Speaker 1: to seek advice that means that's something in your heart
Speaker 1: is saying this person matters to work towards it. Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: what about what he said Melissa where he says that
Speaker 1: he just doesn't want to mess things up. Do you
Speaker 1: feel like maybe they'd be better off as friends or
Speaker 1: how what are you getting from that when he talks
Speaker 1: about like wanting to be together but not wanting to
Speaker 1: mess things up because they're good now that they're a break, well,
Speaker 1: it sounds to me that that he cares about her
Speaker 1: no matter what. Rather it's you know, they're together or
Speaker 1: they're not together, and that she is someone who brings
Speaker 1: value to his life and that he wants her to
Speaker 1: be a part of his life, either it's in a
Speaker 1: relationship or as friends. And one thing that we talked
Speaker 1: about earlier is that friendship is so important. So if
Speaker 1: there is value in their friendship and that friendship can
Speaker 1: be the foundation of something more than, then go for
Speaker 1: it if that's where your heart is. Good great advice today, man,
Speaker 1: for sure, And I mean we try to parde ourselves
Speaker 1: on giving our you know, we had reinforcements today with
Speaker 1: miss Melissa. Thank you And if you want to be
Speaker 1: featured as one of our listener letters. Email us at
Speaker 1: dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. And before we
Speaker 1: let you go, Melissa, we're at the very end, we're
Speaker 1: winding down. Um. We normally do a moment of truth
Speaker 1: at the end of every episode. So after unpacking so
Speaker 1: many things today and learning so many things from you
Speaker 1: as well, we normally like to just kind of recap
Speaker 1: and like a sentence or to what your takeaway was. So,
Speaker 1: what's your moment of truth? Pay easy, I wrote it down.
Speaker 1: If your partners truth, yes, I always take notes. If
Speaker 1: your partner's truth is in line with your piece, you
Speaker 1: found a solution, Melissa Thomas, I I do, excuse me,
Speaker 1: I believe that to be the moment of truth. Man,
Speaker 1: let everybody your relationship as a whole. Quote, you learned
Speaker 1: something from me back in college days. Yea, So now
Speaker 1: he's the one, Yeah, exactly wanted to sit next to
Speaker 1: me and whatnot. I'll give you. I'll give you a
Speaker 1: little credit. But no, that's a that's a great that's
Speaker 1: a great one, which is funny because it kind of
Speaker 1: spirals into what I was gonna say, and it was
Speaker 1: just like my thing was like, nobody knows you more
Speaker 1: than you. Nobody was your partner more than you do.
Speaker 1: For the most part, we would hope so outside noise,
Speaker 1: other opinions from just random people who may not even
Speaker 1: be invested. If you were to do that, speak to
Speaker 1: a therapist. I personally haven't been to a therapist yet.
Speaker 1: De Val has been just a pet therapist for himself
Speaker 1: because like your was it your site or your book
Speaker 1: you you help you, that's my site. That's just that
Speaker 1: you help you. So sometimes it requires you to do
Speaker 1: the internal absolutely check in first to make sure that
Speaker 1: you're good, and then being that person being able to
Speaker 1: offer that to someone else. UM. So I think that's
Speaker 1: very important. Um Any parting words or moment of truth
Speaker 1: that you want to leave our listeners with, yes, I
Speaker 1: would encourage you all to uh to live your truth,
Speaker 1: whatever that is, whatever it is that you want for yourself.
Speaker 1: It's your relationship, your rules. You get to decide what
Speaker 1: that looks like. And I think there's so much beauty
Speaker 1: in that, and there's so much power in that knowing
Speaker 1: that you can say yes to this or no to that,
Speaker 1: and to always keep the communication lines open between whoever
Speaker 1: it is that you're dating or inter marriage with, because
Speaker 1: that's so important. You know, we always feel we we resent,
Speaker 1: you know, we resentment starts to build when we take
Speaker 1: away the choice from somebody else. So leave your spouse
Speaker 1: or your significant other with the choice, and you communicate
Speaker 1: your choice with that person as well. So keep the
Speaker 1: lines of communication open always. Can you tell us where
Speaker 1: to find you? Tell everyone they can find. Absolutely so.
Speaker 1: My private practice is you help you, and that is
Speaker 1: the letter you, the word help and then the word
Speaker 1: y O you and um that can be. That's my
Speaker 1: website and it can also be found on all social
Speaker 1: media outlets. My um my i G is glad Tidings
Speaker 1: by Mail, which means sharing the good news, and that's
Speaker 1: where I just share daily tips about how to take
Speaker 1: better care of yourself. I'm a huge advocate of self care.
Speaker 1: You can also find my book called The Love Challenge,
Speaker 1: Thirty Days thirty Ways to increase the love in your relationship.
Speaker 1: It's available on Barnes and Nobles and Amazon, and I
Speaker 1: brought a copy for you to today. Happy anniversary. Absolutely so.
Speaker 1: You can find me on all social media outlets I G, Twitter,
Speaker 1: um and Facebook as well. Thank you so much for
Speaker 1: having me, guys, it was a pleasure to be here.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. We have to get that business card.
Speaker 1: Thank you for joining us today. We're really absolutely and
Speaker 1: I think that there will be a lot of takeaways
Speaker 1: from this. Absolutely. I'm anxious to hear what the listeners
Speaker 1: have to say about today this episode, particularly because we
Speaker 1: get so many questions about it. So thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Be sure to follow us on social media. Um I'm Cadet,
Speaker 1: I am and that's I am devout and subscribe to
Speaker 1: dead Ass on Stitcher, Spotify or Apple podcast And if
Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate and
Speaker 1: review and tell a friends subscribe dead As dead Ass
Speaker 1: is a production of Stitcher. We are produced by Jackie
Speaker 1: Soljico and Dinor Opinion. Our executive producer t Square. Our
Speaker 1: associate producers are Triple and Kristin Torres. Our Chief content
Speaker 1: Officer is Chris Bannon, our studio engineer and original music
Speaker 1: is by Brendan Burns and last but not least, we
Speaker 1: are mixed by Andy Kristen's Well Back, I'm Drew McCarry
Speaker 1: and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on
Speaker 1: right now as part of the Stitching network called Substraction
Speaker 1: that's available everywhere. Get a podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple Go.
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Speaker 1: Do it, please, M