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Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and

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Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together

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Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new

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Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this faery podcast which has

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Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now at available

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Speaker 1: every rust your podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple. Go listen

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Speaker 1: right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.

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Speaker 1: Go listen to see I by Codeine. When I first

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Speaker 1: met you, I saw you you a beautiful You look

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Speaker 1: like a princess. I thought our romance would be powered

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Speaker 1: by Disney, and I was wrong. It was not a

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Speaker 1: fairy tale. Damn you fairy tales for making things salad.

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Speaker 1: They were going to be one way and the eight. Well,

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Speaker 1: it's safe to say that you and I have been

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Speaker 1: divorced and remarried several times throughout the course of our relationship.

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Speaker 1: Did ask, Hey, I'm and we're the Ellis. You may

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Speaker 1: know us from posting funny videos with our boys and

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Speaker 1: reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,

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Speaker 1: I'll make you need derby most days. And one more

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Speaker 1: important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are.

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Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of

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Speaker 1: the live's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want

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Speaker 1: to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple.

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Speaker 1: Dead ass is a term that we say every day.

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Speaker 1: Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,

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Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about

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Speaker 1: to take phillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead

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Speaker 1: ask starts now. Alright, guys, So I'm gonna take you

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Speaker 1: guys back to a time. This is probably one of

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Speaker 1: the darkest times in Codein and myself our relationship. Um,

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Speaker 1: it was right after we were married and Codeine and

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Speaker 1: I were struggling financially. We had just moved back to

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Speaker 1: Brooklyn and the recession was here. We were living in

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Speaker 1: an apartment. We were having disagreements about our living situation

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Speaker 1: and the wedding. And this is after the wedding. Yes

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Speaker 1: we had we had but we had definitely had buyers remorse.

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Speaker 1: So it got to a point, Um, we had just

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Speaker 1: had Jackson and we were not seeing out eye and

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Speaker 1: we discussed possibly not being together, and it got to

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Speaker 1: a point where we were just like, um, how would

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Speaker 1: we survive together in the house but not be married

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Speaker 1: because neither one of us wanted to leave Jackson, and

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Speaker 1: we couldn't figure out a way to make it work

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Speaker 1: legally or make it work for us emotionally, and we

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Speaker 1: just started to grow apart and I cheated loving you.

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Speaker 1: It's like a bad battle. Hey, hey, and we both

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Speaker 1: send up with Scott. Tell me I have to be

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Speaker 1: that one in my soul. It was too bad. Laura

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Speaker 1: was in my air because she's had me like yeah,

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Speaker 1: stuff like I sounded good but sounded good. Bad. We

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Speaker 1: can't play her. We can't play her along sounding good,

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Speaker 1: sound good. Don't try to gask me out. It's fine,

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Speaker 1: It's fine. No, I just I felt that song because

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Speaker 1: it's almost like, you know, she talks about love. Is

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Speaker 1: this just a silly game that forces you to act

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Speaker 1: this way? No, it's not a game. It forces you

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Speaker 1: to screen my name then pretend that you can't stay.

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Speaker 1: It's like, that's just what it is. Though. It's the

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Speaker 1: cycle of you know, being together, breaking up, getting back together.

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Speaker 1: But what the sad part is is that as a child,

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Speaker 1: you look at relationships and they only show you the

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Speaker 1: fairy tales. And if someone makes a mistake or makes

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Speaker 1: a poor decision, because I don't ever say that I

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Speaker 1: make mistakes. This is one thing that I've learned. I

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Speaker 1: don't ever say that I make mistakes. I made a decision,

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Speaker 1: and if the decision doesn't work with what your alignment

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Speaker 1: is for your life, then for other people it may

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Speaker 1: seem like a mistake. But now I made that decision

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Speaker 1: and I got to own it. So here I'm interested

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Speaker 1: to hear what our expert today is going to say

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Speaker 1: about that, because it was something that, Yeah, that was

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Speaker 1: something that I was kind of like, all right, when

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Speaker 1: you told me you made the choice and not a mistake,

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Speaker 1: it kind of made me think like you were very

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Speaker 1: aware of what you did and there was a reason

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Speaker 1: behind it. So I kind of got a little bit

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Speaker 1: more respect for that versus you just say that. I

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Speaker 1: want to explain, no, for sure, for sure? All right

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Speaker 1: in the house today we have with us Melissa do Maas.

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Speaker 1: Melissa is a licensed marriage and family therapists with over

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Speaker 1: fifteen years of experience in psychotherapy. She runs her own practice,

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Speaker 1: You Help You, where she specializes in guide inclines through

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Speaker 1: the complexities of overcoming emotional and physical trauma. She also

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Speaker 1: helps clients of all ages deal with grief, relationship issues, parenting,

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Speaker 1: transitions in life, family conflict, selfist. But you have a

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Speaker 1: whole lot that you You're gonna everything that's on. My

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Speaker 1: question is do you have a therapist for yourself? As

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Speaker 1: I've heard that before and I didn't know if it

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Speaker 1: was actually true, but it makes sense because if you're

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Speaker 1: helping people impact so many things about their life, I'm

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Speaker 1: sure that can be pretty heavy. Absolutely, it can be happy. Well,

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Speaker 1: thank you for coming in today. This is a heavy

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Speaker 1: topic for us. It is. It's a heavy topic and

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Speaker 1: I felt that Lauren Hill song I'm Still in It

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Speaker 1: and a couple of candles, you know, good stuff. So

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Speaker 1: this episode we're talking about loosely um infidelities, past transgressions,

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Speaker 1: and how we were able to get through it. And

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Speaker 1: these are questions that debout I've gotten so many times

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Speaker 1: from people, men and women, because we've openly spoken about

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Speaker 1: the fact that we've been together for eighteen years, since

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Speaker 1: we were eighteen years old actually, so within the course

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Speaker 1: of our relationship, we've naturally had moments where either he's

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Speaker 1: had a transmission or I have had one where we

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Speaker 1: were able to through it, and um we both get

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Speaker 1: questions at your questions from men like you, Haskadine ever cheated?

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Speaker 1: And if she has, would you ever take her back?

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Speaker 1: And how did you take her back? Right? And I

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Speaker 1: get the how do you regain trust? Or how we're

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Speaker 1: how is deval able to like trust you again after that? Um?

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Speaker 1: Because sometimes too, I think there's a difference also between

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Speaker 1: men and women. You know, mental cheat and then women

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Speaker 1: will take them back. But if a woman cheats, just like,

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Speaker 1: oh she's damaged. Goods Now she's for the homies, she's

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Speaker 1: for the bro she's for the streets, and that's it. UM.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, we wanted to really unpack more so not

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Speaker 1: necessarily details about what has happened in our transgressions, but

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Speaker 1: more so how we were able to speak about it, um,

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Speaker 1: move forward from it and be able to regain that

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Speaker 1: healthy relationship that we once had or I mean we

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Speaker 1: want to continue to have. UM. So can you tell

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Speaker 1: us a little bit maybe about yourself, just in your

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Speaker 1: own words and a little bit of um, you know

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Speaker 1: what you do on a day to day basis right? Absolutely? Um.

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Speaker 1: As you mentioned, I do have my own private practice

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Speaker 1: call you help you. It's located in southern California, and

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Speaker 1: through my practice, I do work with individuals that have variants,

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Speaker 1: um some sort of trauma. I also help individuals hill

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Speaker 1: from grief and loss. And I also work with couples.

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Speaker 1: And the work that I do with couples a lot

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Speaker 1: of times as relationship satisfaction and or it's you know,

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Speaker 1: things of infidelity wanting to come in and talk about

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Speaker 1: it and to rebuild their marriage. Um. And that is

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Speaker 1: work that I enjoy, enjoy helping couples to build what

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Speaker 1: I call their marriage to point oh, because looking at

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Speaker 1: the marriage that may have had some transgressions or um,

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Speaker 1: some challenges, we are now rebuilding a new marriage. We're

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Speaker 1: not starting over from the marriage that we have before

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Speaker 1: or the relationship that we had before. That's interesting marriage

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Speaker 1: to point. Do you find that the same couples come

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Speaker 1: in maybe for like a three point oh or a

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Speaker 1: four point like is this something that you have revisiting?

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Speaker 1: You know, clients that come in with the same kind

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Speaker 1: of issues that maybe have to rehash for a second

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Speaker 1: or third time. Usually that same issue with boils down

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Speaker 1: to communication. It's not always infidelity, but it's always okay,

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Speaker 1: we're having communication challenges again, all right, let's revisit that.

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Speaker 1: And it's funny you talk about marriage two point oh.

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Speaker 1: This is part of the reason why we're having a

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Speaker 1: vowel renewal because to get back to sto every time.

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Speaker 1: Part of the reasons why we ended up having such

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Speaker 1: a hard time in our marriage was because of how

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Speaker 1: we got married and the way everything happened. It wasn't

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Speaker 1: on a strong foundation. So we were trying to build

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Speaker 1: in our marriage while being in our marriage, and I

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Speaker 1: feel like, you know, I stumbled, and we both had

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Speaker 1: to try to find ways to kind of regroup and

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Speaker 1: get back to what the right way to do things are.

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Speaker 1: So lessen, I'll take you back to where we were

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Speaker 1: when I told Codeine that I cheated. We were at

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Speaker 1: home and like I said, I'm really and I'm an

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Speaker 1: open books. Like I never hired my phone. She always

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Speaker 1: has access to my phone. And at the time where

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Speaker 1: I was working, um one of my coworkers text me

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Speaker 1: and he had text me something lude you know, about

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Speaker 1: the young lady. And I didn't know he was texting me,

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Speaker 1: but my phone was dinging and Codeine was just like,

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Speaker 1: you know, your phone was ringing. I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: tell me who it is. So then she picks up

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Speaker 1: the phone and then she sees the text message. The

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Speaker 1: reason why I'm not disclosing everything because I don't want

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Speaker 1: to involve outside parties. This is about Cadine and I,

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Speaker 1: so I don't want to seem like I'm being vague

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Speaker 1: and I don't want I want to tell a story,

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Speaker 1: but as outside party that may not be asking for

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Speaker 1: this to be public knowledge. So when she saw the

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Speaker 1: text message, she comes to me and she's just like, hey, um,

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Speaker 1: did you sleep with so and so? And I was like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't bad and I she didn't bad and

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Speaker 1: I and this is when I started to realize that

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Speaker 1: I had made a decision out of mistake, because ultimately

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Speaker 1: I felt like I wanted to get caught so I

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Speaker 1: can tell her why I did it. It was almost

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Speaker 1: like I was feeling this way and I needed to

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Speaker 1: tell you and show you what what you did to

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Speaker 1: me made me want to do this, and I didn't

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Speaker 1: feel bad about it, and I wanted to have a

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Speaker 1: discussion with it. So we sat down and she cried

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Speaker 1: and she was like why, And we talked about our

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Speaker 1: differing sex drives all the time, and over time, you know,

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Speaker 1: we had had discussions and we were communicating, but I

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Speaker 1: didn't understand her process and she didn't understand my process.

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Speaker 1: We were still very, very young, so I was expecting

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Speaker 1: immediate change, and I wasn't getting changed fast enough. So

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Speaker 1: I took it upon myself to say, you know what,

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Speaker 1: I just I'm having resentment. I just need to go

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Speaker 1: and do it. And also it's also time and opportunity.

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Speaker 1: It was just it was just there. I didn't have

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Speaker 1: to ask for it. I wasn't looking for it. It

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Speaker 1: was presented to me and it was just kind of like, okay.

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Speaker 1: And then this is when I realized that the choice

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Speaker 1: I made taught me something. After the act was done,

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Speaker 1: I didn't feel fulfilled. And it was in that moment

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Speaker 1: that I realized, like I'd rather be at home arguing

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Speaker 1: and talking about what I'm not getting then trying to

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Speaker 1: get it somewhere else, because it was done and I

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Speaker 1: wasn't fulfilled. And it was it was in that moment

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Speaker 1: that I realized that I did not I didn't want

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Speaker 1: to be that person, you know. I didn't want to

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Speaker 1: be a serial cheater. I didn't want to have to

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Speaker 1: sneak around. I just didn't want to do it. It

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Speaker 1: just wasn't It wasn't good. But I honestly feel like

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Speaker 1: I needed that moment to be where I am now

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Speaker 1: and I needed to discuss that with Codeine and we

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Speaker 1: can be open about it. And she cried and she

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Speaker 1: was mad and she was upset. And one thing I

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Speaker 1: didn't do, um I didn't force her to get over it,

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Speaker 1: you know I was. I was never like get over it.

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Speaker 1: It happened. It was like, this is how I felt,

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Speaker 1: this is what I did, and I apologize and I'm like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I don't like apologizing because the best apologies changed behavior,

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Speaker 1: but I was like, this is what it is. And

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Speaker 1: I was just like, take your time and don't let

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Speaker 1: me know what you want to do. But I appreciate

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Speaker 1: it off the bat with Devot was that when I

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Speaker 1: confronted him with it, like there was no way to

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Speaker 1: really lie about it. So I feel like he had

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Speaker 1: to be honest in that moment um. But in his

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Speaker 1: honesty then it opened up the doors for like more communication.

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Speaker 1: And though I would never want to say take the

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Speaker 1: blame for it, because again, he made his choice, he's

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Speaker 1: an individual, it did cost me to self reflect absolutely

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Speaker 1: and be like, oh okay, so I wasn't doing X

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Speaker 1: Y Z, or I wasn't fulfilling this, or maybe I

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Speaker 1: was on autopilot. And you said the autopilot we had Jackson.

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Speaker 1: We had Jackson work autopilot. It was like work Jackson autopilot,

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Speaker 1: and it was like, hey baby, I'm here, Hey baby here.

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Speaker 1: And I didn't cheat to prove to her that I

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Speaker 1: can go do it. It was time and opportunity. But

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Speaker 1: then you know, it was just like it was. It happened.

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Speaker 1: It happened in that moment, and you know, I did

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Speaker 1: appreciate him being honest and being open, and I think

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Speaker 1: that's why I was able to then digest it all

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Speaker 1: take my time to kind of say, all right, hey,

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Speaker 1: there's some things that maybe I need to change and

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Speaker 1: be more attentive to um be. He was honest, so

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Speaker 1: I appreciated that. And I never looked at the VALI

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Speaker 1: and said, like, this is just a ain't ship dude,

248
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Speaker 1: who's out here running these streets, cheating with whoever's throwing

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Speaker 1: in his way. And he wasn't, you know, but in

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Speaker 1: me trying to get past that, it's still eight at me.

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Speaker 1: And I think that's what, in turn caused me to

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Speaker 1: be like, oh, time and opportunity. Here came homeboy that

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Speaker 1: I knew from me years ago, and it was like, Yo,

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Speaker 1: what's the chances we link up on the street. We

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Speaker 1: exchanged numbers and then oh, reminiscent about old days and

256
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,480
Speaker 1: talking about you know, things that used to happen around

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Speaker 1: the way, and that turned into damn you grew up,

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Speaker 1: Damn you grew up, you know, and it's like all right,

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Speaker 1: and then that slowly became like really inappropriate text conversations,

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Speaker 1: you know, planning to try to see if we can

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Speaker 1: meet up, Like that's what started to happen, the emotional affair,

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Speaker 1: you know. And for me in that moment, it felt like, well,

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Speaker 1: I got the one up now, because it's like, Hi,

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Speaker 1: I got my own little thing going on there. But

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Speaker 1: it's like, honestly, what was I doing that for? And

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Speaker 1: when he found out about it in the very beginning,

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Speaker 1: he felt like I lied about it, like I should

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Speaker 1: have just divulged everything the way that he did. What

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Speaker 1: he had seen in that moment wasn't actually sext thing

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Speaker 1: that happened between the two of us. It was something else.

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Speaker 1: But because it was a bit in a piece of

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Speaker 1: a conversation, He then pieced things together and made his

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Speaker 1: own narrative, and at that point I kind of felt like, shoot,

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Speaker 1: I can't backtrack now and try to, like, you know,

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Speaker 1: salvage what i've what he's seen, because there's no full

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Speaker 1: story here. And then I wasn't forthright with the information

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Speaker 1: off the bat, so he's just going to be like, well,

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Speaker 1: you lied to the beginning. So that's where we differed

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Speaker 1: in our scenario. He was just like, you saw it,

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Speaker 1: that's what it was here. It is me. I'm just like, well,

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Speaker 1: you only saw this bit that really wasn't sexting in

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Speaker 1: that moment, but it doesn't make sense and it was

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Speaker 1: just came a mess yeah exactly. So for him now

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Speaker 1: he's just like, well, damn, you know what else didn't

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Speaker 1: you tell me? Leaving out like you know, it's convenient

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Speaker 1: that we didn't see all the text messages. You were

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Speaker 1: deleting text messages. So if you're deleting text messages and

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Speaker 1: I only see a piece of it, like what am

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Speaker 1: I led to believe after that? And it just looks bad?

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Speaker 1: It does. It looks bad. And that phone, that phone

291
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Speaker 1: gets people in trouble all the time. Autely absolutely with

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Speaker 1: the iPad whatnot. Who's more upfront about their transgressions? Is

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00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,440
Speaker 1: it a man thing women thing? Was his personality? I

294
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Speaker 1: think his personality. And I have yet, in the years

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Speaker 1: that I've been doing this, I have yet to seen

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Speaker 1: a scenario like yours, Devot be honest. Usually it's one

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Speaker 1: person calling in and saying I caught this other person

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Speaker 1: or I caught them, you know, because of their phone

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Speaker 1: or or whatever the situation is. I have yet, you know,

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Speaker 1: until today, in this moment, have met with individuals who

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Speaker 1: have said I was up front. I was honest. But yes, Conde,

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Speaker 1: you did see the text message, and that's what prompted

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Speaker 1: the question. But I wasn't going to tell her. I didn't.

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Speaker 1: And then I think this is important, This is important

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Speaker 1: to discuss. I didn't go out to cheat to teach

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Speaker 1: her a lesson. I got that, so I wasn't expecting

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Speaker 1: her to find out what happens. Is it just I'm

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Speaker 1: a horrible cheat when you when you're not used to

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Speaker 1: trying to hide stuff. So when she found out, it

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Speaker 1: was just like yeah, you know, like it was just

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Speaker 1: like yeah, like I did it because I just do

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Speaker 1: not like having too hide and then make a lie

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Speaker 1: and the lie on top of a lie. But that's

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Speaker 1: just me, That's who I am. So what hurt me

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00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,040
Speaker 1: most about Codine's transgression was when I asked about it

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Speaker 1: and she knew that there was more there, and I

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00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:14,760
Speaker 1: asked who he was. She didn't upfront tell me. She

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Speaker 1: made it seem like it was something it wasn't, and

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Speaker 1: for me, I was just like, dang, I I gave

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Speaker 1: you everything and you didn't give it to me. And

321
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Speaker 1: men always say this, women are better cheatings than us

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Speaker 1: and always heard men said all the time, And I'll

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Speaker 1: be honest in that that moment, I felt like it

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00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,280
Speaker 1: was because when she first told me about I believe

325
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,480
Speaker 1: them and I wasn't worried about it, and you have

326
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,480
Speaker 1: no reason. I had no reason not too. So then

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00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,160
Speaker 1: when it came up again and then I found something else,

328
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Speaker 1: and then it was like, well then what the hell

329
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Speaker 1: is this? Then I was like, oh, yeah, well yeah,

330
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Speaker 1: now that was exactly it became that. And I think

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Speaker 1: what I was going through at that point was the

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Speaker 1: beating myself process, like you idiot, Like how the hell

333
00:16:58,320 --> 00:16:59,840
Speaker 1: did you even let it come to this? Like why

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00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,840
Speaker 1: we even having this discussion here? Katin? You know better

335
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,760
Speaker 1: than that. Ken, this is so not you, Like, there

336
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:07,040
Speaker 1: were literally about a thousand kndine sitting on my writers

337
00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:10,520
Speaker 1: at that point that I literally was just like, I

338
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:14,080
Speaker 1: legitimately want to disappear. Um Am I crazy for feeling

339
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,119
Speaker 1: like that, because I felt like, you know, to this

340
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:17,879
Speaker 1: day sometimes I have moments where I'm just like, I

341
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Speaker 1: can't believe I did, you know, I can't believe in it,

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Speaker 1: and I'm shaking my fist in the air because it's

343
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:24,360
Speaker 1: so not like me. But you know, is that uncommon

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Speaker 1: or have you heard something like that before? Yes, I've

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00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,159
Speaker 1: heard that, And I think it boils down to us

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00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:31,440
Speaker 1: being disappointed in ourselves because we hold ourselves at such

347
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,040
Speaker 1: a high level of such esteems like that's not even

348
00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:37,120
Speaker 1: my thing? Why would I do that? And we question ourselves.

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Speaker 1: But I don't think that it's unheard of or uncommon

350
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,679
Speaker 1: to feel that way or to have those feelings and

351
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,520
Speaker 1: to look back and like, now, what did I do

352
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,000
Speaker 1: that for? Again? And to have those questions. But then

353
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,280
Speaker 1: those are your answers moving forward. So if you find

354
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,960
Speaker 1: yourself tempted or find yourself in a situation, then you

355
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,600
Speaker 1: have that to reflect upon. And as you said, they're

356
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,560
Speaker 1: not mistakes. There their lessons learning and choices that you've made.

357
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Speaker 1: So you can look back on those choices and say,

358
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Speaker 1: I know what the outcome look before do I want

359
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,080
Speaker 1: to do this moving forward? And then you have a

360
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,280
Speaker 1: choice again yes or no? Right exactly? I mean, how

361
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,919
Speaker 1: do you normally approach couples who come to you with

362
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:12,320
Speaker 1: infidelity issues? Are there some common reasons that you can

363
00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:15,639
Speaker 1: see that you know? Is there any likes you know?

364
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:18,119
Speaker 1: I don't want to say statistics person, but maybe statistics right,

365
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,440
Speaker 1: just in your experience, have you seen certain common factors

366
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,000
Speaker 1: that monogamous relationship UM people come in and there's they're

367
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,520
Speaker 1: cheating issues. One of the most common ones that I

368
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,480
Speaker 1: hear is that the man and the woman are on

369
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Speaker 1: different pages sexually and different pages meaning one wants it

370
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Speaker 1: more than than the other, one has a larger sex

371
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Speaker 1: sexual appetite, one possibly has uh a history of trauma.

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Speaker 1: So there are some things in the in the bedroom

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Speaker 1: that they're not comfortable with that the significant other would like,

374
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:48,280
Speaker 1: so they step out to get that. Some individuals come

375
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:51,200
Speaker 1: in because the family has changed, rather they are new

376
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,120
Speaker 1: parents or they are now parents and multiples, and then

377
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:57,320
Speaker 1: that changes the dynamic in the marriage as well. Sometimes

378
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,800
Speaker 1: it's just they've taken their eyes off of the marriage.

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00:19:01,119 --> 00:19:03,000
Speaker 1: You know, if you're married or if you're in a

380
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,160
Speaker 1: relationship you've been there for a while, it's very common

381
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,560
Speaker 1: to get on autopilot, which is where you come in,

382
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,600
Speaker 1: you come and you go, you kiss, you hug, you thisss,

383
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:11,520
Speaker 1: you that, and just every day, and you're not taking

384
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,240
Speaker 1: up moment to really pour into the relationship, which is

385
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:17,439
Speaker 1: so important. And honestly, all of it, it all boils

386
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:20,520
Speaker 1: down to communication. It all it boils down to communication,

387
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,840
Speaker 1: and that lack of your communication, that lack of being

388
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,520
Speaker 1: able to say my needs aren't being met and or

389
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:28,040
Speaker 1: if you're saying it, the other person isn't hearing you,

390
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:31,000
Speaker 1: which also boils down to a breakdown in communication. I've

391
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,600
Speaker 1: heard in the past of people say, oh, well he

392
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,280
Speaker 1: did x y z or she did x y Z,

393
00:19:35,359 --> 00:19:37,680
Speaker 1: so I did it just as a source of like revenge,

394
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:39,840
Speaker 1: like it felt better to do it because he did it.

395
00:19:40,119 --> 00:19:42,679
Speaker 1: And that's kind of where I fell into with one

396
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:45,639
Speaker 1: particular scenario that I had one of my transgressions and

397
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,560
Speaker 1: it was kind of like, you know, he had done

398
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:49,440
Speaker 1: something me being in my feelings about it was just

399
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:53,119
Speaker 1: typoal ship whatever. I'm just gonna start sex in this dude,

400
00:19:53,119 --> 00:19:55,280
Speaker 1: and who knows wherever it goes, it goes, and that's

401
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,119
Speaker 1: just what it was in that moment. And then you

402
00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,440
Speaker 1: reflect on the fact, like, Okay, if this was being

403
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,200
Speaker 1: done to me, I wouldn't think it was just sexting

404
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,200
Speaker 1: or it wasn't just you know. And then it became

405
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,520
Speaker 1: a time when I started kind of self loathe and

406
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:10,280
Speaker 1: just feel really really upset at myself for like even

407
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,280
Speaker 1: allowing myself to suc come to that resentment that I

408
00:20:13,359 --> 00:20:16,080
Speaker 1: felt towards him, And that in part could have just

409
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:20,520
Speaker 1: been um us not speaking more openly about it, which

410
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:23,000
Speaker 1: is where I'm thinking sometimes maybe in retrospect, it would

411
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:26,120
Speaker 1: have helped to have maybe a counselor or a therapist

412
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,199
Speaker 1: speak with us about it. But at that time we

413
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:31,240
Speaker 1: were just so gung ho about talking through the relationship

414
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,680
Speaker 1: by ourselves together because we feel like, you know who

415
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,040
Speaker 1: knows us better than ourselves. You know, I know you,

416
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:37,560
Speaker 1: you know me. We can explain that to each other,

417
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:40,000
Speaker 1: and one thing we pride ourselves on is being open

418
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:42,800
Speaker 1: with conversations with each other. So if I did ask

419
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:46,520
Speaker 1: him like, hey, I found something. Is this true? He's

420
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:50,600
Speaker 1: always been like yes, and then he's never like lied

421
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,240
Speaker 1: about it or went round about He was very straightforward

422
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:54,960
Speaker 1: with it. This is what it is, what it is.

423
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:59,760
Speaker 1: I want to live my truth. Absolutely mistakes, I make decisions.

424
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:05,520
Speaker 1: Why the piece about rebuilding trust. I think that what's

425
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:07,919
Speaker 1: most important is to be honest with one another, to

426
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,560
Speaker 1: be truthful, to share that truth no matter what it is,

427
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,720
Speaker 1: and then to also be transparent and to be open

428
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,880
Speaker 1: to how the other person may receive or how they

429
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,359
Speaker 1: feel about your truth and what you're sharing. One of

430
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,879
Speaker 1: my favorite things. It's a hard thing to do, but

431
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:22,560
Speaker 1: I'll be honest, it's one of my favorite things to do.

432
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:25,239
Speaker 1: When I meet new couples and there's been infidelity, is

433
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,240
Speaker 1: I want to lay it all on the table. Let's

434
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,359
Speaker 1: lay at all your truth. It's gonna hurt, it's gonna

435
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,520
Speaker 1: be uncomfortable, it's gonna be scary, but we have to

436
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:34,760
Speaker 1: lay it all out. And the one thing that I

437
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:37,200
Speaker 1: will ask them, I say, have you told her everything?

438
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,600
Speaker 1: Have you told him everything? And if the answer is yes,

439
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,360
Speaker 1: then my next question is if anything else comes up

440
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,760
Speaker 1: after this session, that means that you intentionally left it

441
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:49,720
Speaker 1: out that you intentionally did not tell that person. And

442
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:52,199
Speaker 1: sometimes I'll get the oh, yeah, I've told everything, or

443
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:55,080
Speaker 1: sometimes I'll get the you know less weight I want

444
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:57,479
Speaker 1: to talk to my significant other again or let them

445
00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:00,240
Speaker 1: know something else, because the healing is not really gonna

446
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:03,600
Speaker 1: take place until you've been completely open and honest. You

447
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:05,399
Speaker 1: know I heard you that. I would say that truth

448
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,679
Speaker 1: came easy for you, but you having those moments Knina

449
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,080
Speaker 1: feeling like this isn't even like me, then yes, it's

450
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:14,400
Speaker 1: hard to be able to tell that and it hurts

451
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,399
Speaker 1: from I mean, it comes from a place of also

452
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:20,760
Speaker 1: to upbringing, like just to be a kind of umbrella

453
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,439
Speaker 1: term I could think about communication when it comes to

454
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:26,119
Speaker 1: our families. I come from a family where it's just

455
00:22:26,119 --> 00:22:27,600
Speaker 1: like you don't tell this, you don't tell that, how

456
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:29,320
Speaker 1: you don't tell people your business, you don't everything is

457
00:22:29,359 --> 00:22:32,600
Speaker 1: like hush, hush, quiet, quietly together. He comes from a

458
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:35,120
Speaker 1: family where it's like we're an open book and everyone's

459
00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:36,440
Speaker 1: gonna talk about it, and we're gonna sit down and

460
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:39,040
Speaker 1: we're gonna have family caucuses and we're gonna discuss everything.

461
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:42,920
Speaker 1: My family community very very communicative, and I did learn

462
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,480
Speaker 1: from a young age when I told the truth to

463
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,720
Speaker 1: my parents no matter how bad it was, they helped

464
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:48,879
Speaker 1: me through it. Right. So for me in my life,

465
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,919
Speaker 1: telling the truth has always been my freedom when you know,

466
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:53,879
Speaker 1: when I stole something, or when I thought I was

467
00:22:54,119 --> 00:22:56,720
Speaker 1: in trouble with something, let me just tell and I'll

468
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:58,320
Speaker 1: deal with the concept. When my father used to tell

469
00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:01,720
Speaker 1: me all the time, a man deals with his consequences period.

470
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,840
Speaker 1: And I've had to learn that everybody doesn't have that

471
00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:07,000
Speaker 1: same mindset. I think sometimes people make the mistake and

472
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:09,320
Speaker 1: they weaponize it, you know, to say, well, I'm just

473
00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:11,359
Speaker 1: telling you the truth. You know, but that doesn't mean

474
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,199
Speaker 1: it has to be hurtful. That doesn't mean it has

475
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:14,919
Speaker 1: to be spiteful. That doesn't mean it has to be

476
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:18,160
Speaker 1: from a negative place. So telling the truth it can hurt,

477
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,439
Speaker 1: but but the truth should not be used as a

478
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:23,520
Speaker 1: can I can I play the advocate for a second,

479
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:25,760
Speaker 1: because I get a lot of this from men because

480
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,479
Speaker 1: I give them the same information. It was like, how

481
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:29,760
Speaker 1: did you get Codeine to trust you? And I tell

482
00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:32,600
Speaker 1: I told her everything, everything sold and it was just like, no, bro,

483
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,639
Speaker 1: I'm not doing it. And this is the question that

484
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:37,520
Speaker 1: I get and sometimes it seems valid. And I even

485
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:40,000
Speaker 1: said this to Codeine. There were times that I was

486
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:46,280
Speaker 1: honest with Codeine about things and her response wasn't positive.

487
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,160
Speaker 1: You know, I felt like her response was very toxic.

488
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:52,800
Speaker 1: So for me, it was like, why bring something toxic

489
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:55,639
Speaker 1: into our relationship if I can just keep it to

490
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:59,040
Speaker 1: myself and we just have peace at home. That's the toxin.

491
00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:02,040
Speaker 1: That's that's still the toxin. Being able to keep it

492
00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:04,919
Speaker 1: to yourself. Now you're left with that toxin inside of

493
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:07,320
Speaker 1: you that's eventually going to come out in some way

494
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:10,280
Speaker 1: or another, one way, shape or form, whether it's through

495
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:13,320
Speaker 1: guilt rather it's through um not being able to have

496
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,199
Speaker 1: the liberty really fully living your life. Having told you

497
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:18,800
Speaker 1: and that's why I can't. I can't do it personally.

498
00:24:19,119 --> 00:24:21,280
Speaker 1: But I try to tell people that and they're just like,

499
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:24,000
Speaker 1: I can't do it because once I say this, and

500
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:26,240
Speaker 1: this is the truth, once you tell someone that you've

501
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:28,080
Speaker 1: done something that they don't agree with, they always look

502
00:24:28,119 --> 00:24:31,280
Speaker 1: at you differently. Sometimes I'll see that when individuals are

503
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:34,040
Speaker 1: in a relationship or they're on the on the journey

504
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,240
Speaker 1: to to get married, they'll come in and say, you

505
00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:38,240
Speaker 1: know what, this thing happened to me in my past,

506
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:40,359
Speaker 1: or this thing happened to me in my childhood, and

507
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:42,879
Speaker 1: I want to be the best person for my significant

508
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:45,399
Speaker 1: other moving forward. How can I deal with it? And

509
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,840
Speaker 1: so we work on it as an individual. And then

510
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:50,520
Speaker 1: at the end of that work, I asked them, where

511
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,639
Speaker 1: are you how much of this do you want to

512
00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:55,840
Speaker 1: share with somebody else? And sometimes answer is none. Sometimes

513
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,160
Speaker 1: the answer they get to a place where it's now

514
00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:00,520
Speaker 1: off their shoulders and they are ready to tell their

515
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:04,520
Speaker 1: truth um and and it's powerful being able to get

516
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,480
Speaker 1: that off of your chest and being able to share

517
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,879
Speaker 1: that with somebody else. There's so much power and just

518
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:12,879
Speaker 1: being able to to speak our truth. It's funny you

519
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,480
Speaker 1: mentioned when couples come into you, it's like, are we

520
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:18,280
Speaker 1: gonna salvage this or are we gonna go our separate ways?

521
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:20,679
Speaker 1: Do you find that most couples have an idea of

522
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,119
Speaker 1: what they want to do coming into it or is

523
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:27,119
Speaker 1: it like really doing the sage? In most cases they do.

524
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:31,879
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's once one person is still upset, so they're like,

525
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,919
Speaker 1: I showed up, but I don't know yet, and I'm like,

526
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:38,960
Speaker 1: that's okay, you're here there exact kind of like you're here,

527
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,840
Speaker 1: So that says something to me also, and so you know,

528
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,120
Speaker 1: if you feel that it's worth showing up, then then

529
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,480
Speaker 1: show up. But then I also warned people, and I

530
00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,639
Speaker 1: warn all my clients about this that there is a

531
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:51,720
Speaker 1: risk and therapy. And so for example, if you come

532
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,639
Speaker 1: in saying I want to marry this person, let's do

533
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:56,680
Speaker 1: some pre marital counseling, and then through your personal development,

534
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,560
Speaker 1: through our work together, you realize like, nah, I don't

535
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:02,000
Speaker 1: want to do that. That's a risk. That's a risk

536
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,359
Speaker 1: that you take, you know, but but there's no lose

537
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:06,520
Speaker 1: in it. If you go into therapy and you realize

538
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:08,439
Speaker 1: you no longer want this thing you came in for,

539
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,399
Speaker 1: then that's a win because now you have clarity. If

540
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:13,160
Speaker 1: you come in and you realize, yes, I do really

541
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:15,080
Speaker 1: want this marriage and I want to keep moving forward,

542
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,879
Speaker 1: then you have clarity in that too. So there's no lose.

543
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:20,080
Speaker 1: But it is a risk because you may change your mind.

544
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,600
Speaker 1: I'm throwing out this break word right now because I've

545
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,920
Speaker 1: heard you know, we've even tried this, like okay, well

546
00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:30,240
Speaker 1: you know things aren't going well, let's let's take a break.

547
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:34,240
Speaker 1: Let's you know, time out. Have you had couples, you know,

548
00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:36,159
Speaker 1: come to you and say they're considering this option for

549
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:38,400
Speaker 1: a break. What does it mean to take a break?

550
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:41,160
Speaker 1: Does it look different for different people? Um? And does

551
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:44,399
Speaker 1: the break happen kind of automatically, doesn't mean like okay,

552
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:46,360
Speaker 1: this on the road to break up or is there

553
00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:49,639
Speaker 1: a chance to kind of you know, uh, save it right?

554
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:52,600
Speaker 1: I think, Uh, it is common for people to take

555
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:55,600
Speaker 1: a break, especially when individuals are in a situation where

556
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:58,320
Speaker 1: they've been together since they were younger, since they were

557
00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:01,520
Speaker 1: in high school or college years, are early adulthood and

558
00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:04,199
Speaker 1: now feeling like I want to explore the world or

559
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,080
Speaker 1: I want to make sure that this is where I'm

560
00:27:06,119 --> 00:27:08,760
Speaker 1: to be before I make that commitment, especially if they're

561
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:10,800
Speaker 1: in a relationship where they're not yet married and then

562
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,600
Speaker 1: they're now looking to see if they want to move

563
00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:14,960
Speaker 1: forward and to actually get engaged or to get married.

564
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:16,760
Speaker 1: So let's just take a moment to see if this

565
00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:18,920
Speaker 1: is what we really want before we make that jump.

566
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:21,960
Speaker 1: So a break can be common. And UM, one of

567
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:24,200
Speaker 1: the biggest things that's most important in taking a break,

568
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:26,879
Speaker 1: it boils down to communication. And I know we've been

569
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:29,879
Speaker 1: talking a lot about communication, but it's so important. And

570
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:31,440
Speaker 1: one thing I tell couples that I work with that

571
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:35,200
Speaker 1: even in your silence, you're still communicating something. Even when

572
00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:40,040
Speaker 1: you're giving the silent treatment, you're still saying a whole lot. Yeah, no,

573
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:42,280
Speaker 1: that's so true. We've had times where we tried to

574
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:44,400
Speaker 1: take a break in. I don't know, I don't think

575
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:46,919
Speaker 1: the terms of our breaks really worked because it's a

576
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:49,320
Speaker 1: very weird thing. It's like, even if we were piste

577
00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:52,000
Speaker 1: off at each other, it's like we just couldn't stay

578
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,840
Speaker 1: away from each other. We just couldn't stay away from

579
00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:57,880
Speaker 1: each other. I love you, I love you, and I'm um,

580
00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:00,240
Speaker 1: I mean like infatuated with her outside of just love,

581
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:02,320
Speaker 1: like I'm in fact with her as a person. Even

582
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:05,480
Speaker 1: when we argue and we debate, there's something about that

583
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:07,800
Speaker 1: that just, you know, gives me an uprising in my soul,

584
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:09,080
Speaker 1: like I feel like I need to be with this

585
00:28:09,119 --> 00:28:17,200
Speaker 1: person fire signs, but all sorts of flame, full full transparency.

586
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:20,480
Speaker 1: Right with breaks As a man, right, it's hard to

587
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:24,600
Speaker 1: consider your significant other going on a break because the

588
00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:26,640
Speaker 1: first thing you think is them being with someone else.

589
00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:30,800
Speaker 1: I came to terms very early in our relationship. And

590
00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:32,439
Speaker 1: maybe this is crazy. You can tell me them crazy

591
00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:33,879
Speaker 1: that at some point Kadina is going to be with

592
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:36,720
Speaker 1: somebody else. I just I came to terms with that

593
00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:39,200
Speaker 1: when we had our arguments and our debates and we

594
00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:41,400
Speaker 1: had our transgressions, and people ask me something, what do

595
00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:44,040
Speaker 1: you think kadin was with this person? I honestly feel like,

596
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:46,200
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't care. If I didn't meet Cadine

597
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:48,080
Speaker 1: when I was eighteen and I met her when I

598
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,960
Speaker 1: was twenty five, that seven years of us not being together,

599
00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:53,280
Speaker 1: she probably would have been with other people. Do you

600
00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:55,600
Speaker 1: think it is crazy? Because people think that I'm crazy

601
00:28:55,640 --> 00:28:58,160
Speaker 1: when I say that, even with her, the transgression she

602
00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:00,480
Speaker 1: had right, She'll say that, She'll say me because I

603
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:02,080
Speaker 1: said it all the time. I said, well, you said

604
00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:04,240
Speaker 1: you wasn't texting them what you was. You say you'll

605
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:06,840
Speaker 1: never slept together, How do I know? Because you wouldn't

606
00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:08,840
Speaker 1: admit that. And then she'd be like, you don't trust me,

607
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:10,560
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I don't trust you. I'm just saying

608
00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:13,360
Speaker 1: that I don't know. It doesn't matter to me either way,

609
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:16,840
Speaker 1: and the people like you don't care? And does do

610
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:21,000
Speaker 1: I sound crazy saying that? At that point, you know,

611
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:23,120
Speaker 1: we've had to clean about so much stuff that I'm

612
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:25,600
Speaker 1: just like at this point, like, I mean, we know

613
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:27,400
Speaker 1: that we're not crazy for that, because people will say

614
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:28,960
Speaker 1: the same thing to me that I have women say,

615
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:30,880
Speaker 1: like so you don't think like Devout being in the

616
00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:33,040
Speaker 1: industry now and he's going to be a big time actor,

617
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:35,560
Speaker 1: like you're not worried about him doing that, Like and

618
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:38,080
Speaker 1: I'm just kind of like the VAL's gonna make his choices.

619
00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:40,360
Speaker 1: But at least I know that we're going to be

620
00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:43,080
Speaker 1: honest with each other that it then empowers me to

621
00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:45,240
Speaker 1: make a choice. Am I going to stick around? And

622
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:47,600
Speaker 1: I'm not going to stick around? Like that's what we've

623
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:50,240
Speaker 1: given each other. So you know, you can weigh in

624
00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:52,240
Speaker 1: on that. But I know there's also different levels to break,

625
00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:54,640
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna break that down. There are different levels

626
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:56,320
Speaker 1: And and no, I don't think you're crazy Devout for

627
00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:58,600
Speaker 1: a thinking that. What I do here, though, is that

628
00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:01,280
Speaker 1: you've made your peace with that. So if she has

629
00:30:01,400 --> 00:30:04,920
Speaker 1: or if she hasn't, you've made your peace. And if

630
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:08,040
Speaker 1: she were to share truth that that is in line

631
00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:09,800
Speaker 1: with your peace, and it also helps the lower the blow,

632
00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:11,920
Speaker 1: Like Okay, Well, in my mind I thought that this

633
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:15,080
Speaker 1: may have happened. Then that helps a lesson or lower

634
00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:17,480
Speaker 1: the blow, and hopefully you know, in our minds, we're

635
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:19,840
Speaker 1: thinking that we're protecting our hearts by saying, Okay, it

636
00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:25,080
Speaker 1: already happened, so sorry. Your truth in line with my peace.

637
00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:28,200
Speaker 1: The reason why I think that's important is because your

638
00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:31,320
Speaker 1: truth to other people may be bad or harsh, but

639
00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:34,360
Speaker 1: if it's in line with my peace and it doesn't matter,

640
00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:37,840
Speaker 1: that's important because so many people allow other people to

641
00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:40,560
Speaker 1: get involved in their relationships. So it's like, you should

642
00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:43,600
Speaker 1: be upset about what he did, because but if she's

643
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:49,960
Speaker 1: not upset, then it shouldn't matter. Your relationship, your rules

644
00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:54,520
Speaker 1: that we can share help me know that's important. It

645
00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:56,520
Speaker 1: is important. I get it because a lot of times

646
00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:59,880
Speaker 1: you have people who lean on, you know, friends, fan

647
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:01,560
Speaker 1: and that's one thing I would say that the val

648
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:06,120
Speaker 1: and I really don't do is calling in reinforcements because

649
00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:08,600
Speaker 1: as quick as we tend to maybe get past something,

650
00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:10,600
Speaker 1: then you have that family member or that friend who

651
00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:15,200
Speaker 1: still piste off about it, and then it just creates

652
00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:17,840
Speaker 1: more of a toxic environment. You're trying to work past something,

653
00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:19,720
Speaker 1: you know, and that's something we even try to tell

654
00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:22,080
Speaker 1: our younger siblings and like our friends, like, please don't

655
00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:24,480
Speaker 1: involve me and what you got going on. I would

656
00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:26,520
Speaker 1: like to maintain the relationship that I have with you

657
00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:29,120
Speaker 1: for what it is. Your relationship with him or her

658
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:31,200
Speaker 1: has absolutely nothing to do with right, because you know

659
00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:33,680
Speaker 1: each other on intimate level that other people don't, so

660
00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:36,080
Speaker 1: you can be more forgiving and your heart is softer,

661
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:38,720
Speaker 1: whereas someone on the outside, they just know the dirt

662
00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:41,320
Speaker 1: that you've shared in the and whatever other rules they

663
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:43,120
Speaker 1: made up in their mind about your relationship, they can

664
00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:46,760
Speaker 1: easily detach at that point for sure. Well, according to Bustle,

665
00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:49,080
Speaker 1: there are five different ways that couples can take a

666
00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:51,040
Speaker 1: break from each other, all right, So I'm gonna say

667
00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:54,080
Speaker 1: the first one is the black outbreak. That's when you

668
00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:57,120
Speaker 1: the couple has no contact with each other, like zero

669
00:31:57,240 --> 00:32:01,440
Speaker 1: ZiLs nothing, We don't we couldn't do that, we tried that.

670
00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:06,040
Speaker 1: Then there's the not setting parameters, when a couple doesn't

671
00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:09,040
Speaker 1: set rules for what a break means, like whether or

672
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:11,800
Speaker 1: not they can date other people or not. I think

673
00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:13,560
Speaker 1: that too would be an issue for us, because when

674
00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:15,440
Speaker 1: we talked about break, it was kind of like, well,

675
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:18,960
Speaker 1: so are you going to talk to somebody else, somebody else.

676
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:23,560
Speaker 1: My wife set rules, right, and when she set the

677
00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:26,360
Speaker 1: rules and break them and she would just be like, well,

678
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:28,320
Speaker 1: I set that rule, but when you started it, I

679
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,200
Speaker 1: didn't think I was gonna feel this way. So now

680
00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:33,200
Speaker 1: we've got to change the rule. Change And that was

681
00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:35,880
Speaker 1: an issue with us. A cop have a moment it

682
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:37,080
Speaker 1: was like, you want to do a break and it's

683
00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:38,640
Speaker 1: just like, yeah, I'm just like whatever. That like in

684
00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:40,760
Speaker 1: the moment of me being just like upset, like whatever,

685
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:43,600
Speaker 1: I'm tired of arguing about the same over and over again. Fine,

686
00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:45,760
Speaker 1: do whatever you want. And then he doesn't, and I'm like, nik,

687
00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:48,320
Speaker 1: he wasn't supposed to do it. I think you're actually

688
00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:52,600
Speaker 1: gonna act on that now that she wanted to be

689
00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:58,120
Speaker 1: a whole actor. What we're gonna do is and seen renegotiates.

690
00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:01,240
Speaker 1: There we go, we shape the contract. I think is

691
00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:03,480
Speaker 1: I'm cool with that. I'm fine with if you're being

692
00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:06,160
Speaker 1: honest and saying you didn't you know, you didn't want this,

693
00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:09,040
Speaker 1: or you didn't expect this, let's change up. What I'm

694
00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:11,320
Speaker 1: not cool with, though, is you're just getting a whole

695
00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:16,040
Speaker 1: attitude and then making demands without communications. There's been growth

696
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:21,200
Speaker 1: since there's been a growth. So this third one here,

697
00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:23,680
Speaker 1: the monogamy break, is something that I think that probably

698
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:26,160
Speaker 1: we would have wanted to implement on each other. And

699
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:30,000
Speaker 1: that's couples explicitly decide to implement a no dating rule

700
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:32,800
Speaker 1: and it's clearly discussed that there will be no dating

701
00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:36,080
Speaker 1: or sleeping with anyone other than or So what break

702
00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:38,960
Speaker 1: is that and also to it depends on what's the

703
00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:41,160
Speaker 1: reason for the reason. Some people want to go on

704
00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:42,720
Speaker 1: a break because they feel like, oh, I want to break,

705
00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:44,440
Speaker 1: then I can go ahead and just sleep with whoever.

706
00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:46,600
Speaker 1: Some people want to have a break because they need

707
00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:51,040
Speaker 1: to just like reprogram themselves. Maybe they need to kind

708
00:33:51,040 --> 00:33:53,640
Speaker 1: of reassess where they are personally. Maybe it maybe an

709
00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,400
Speaker 1: individual thing and not just always wanted to sleep with

710
00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:58,720
Speaker 1: somebody else. They may want to detach a little bit, right,

711
00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:00,600
Speaker 1: And I think that's healthy. Would you say for someone

712
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:03,000
Speaker 1: who wants it's healthy, especially if you're on a journey

713
00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,520
Speaker 1: of just getting to know self, because there are some

714
00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:07,360
Speaker 1: parts of self that you're not going to get to

715
00:34:07,360 --> 00:34:09,560
Speaker 1: know in a relationship. But then on the flip side,

716
00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:11,560
Speaker 1: there's some parts of self that you will only get

717
00:34:11,600 --> 00:34:14,359
Speaker 1: to know in a relationship because you guys, I'm sure

718
00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:16,400
Speaker 1: that you have been tested in ways in your marriage

719
00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:19,560
Speaker 1: that you were not tested in ways in your singleness. Absolutely,

720
00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:22,799
Speaker 1: I think marriage has made me a very more mature,

721
00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:26,960
Speaker 1: a hard working, discipline person. Like. Marriage has definitely helps

722
00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:32,120
Speaker 1: me bro that in parenting. Must not even talk about

723
00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:38,120
Speaker 1: its parenting is in a whole nother level taught me,

724
00:34:38,239 --> 00:34:41,320
Speaker 1: has taught me discipline, like, Yeah, for sure, it definitely

725
00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:43,480
Speaker 1: has taught me discipline outside of just sex, because we

726
00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:45,399
Speaker 1: talk about sex a lot, because that's probably the number

727
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:49,120
Speaker 1: one question. Marriage has taught me discipline on how I

728
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:53,040
Speaker 1: respond to my wife rather than react when she says

729
00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:56,080
Speaker 1: something or does something. Don't just react. You gotta respond

730
00:34:56,120 --> 00:35:01,880
Speaker 1: and respond. You take a second, and you're you're a

731
00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:04,880
Speaker 1: reactor and I've learned that she's she's a reactor and

732
00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:06,960
Speaker 1: I'm a little sensitive. So you guys have to balance

733
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:11,080
Speaker 1: each other. Yeah, we don't have to balance. This one

734
00:35:11,160 --> 00:35:14,160
Speaker 1: is interesting. The pre the prelude to the breakup break

735
00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:18,320
Speaker 1: a break that becomes a breakup. Sometimes a couple realizes

736
00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:20,880
Speaker 1: that they're on a break and that's pretty much what

737
00:35:20,920 --> 00:35:23,760
Speaker 1: they want to do is break up. Yeah, sometimes that's common,

738
00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:26,160
Speaker 1: especially if we don't have the courage or we're not

739
00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:29,160
Speaker 1: ready yet to completely step away, then we may do

740
00:35:29,239 --> 00:35:31,279
Speaker 1: a little preview to see what it feels like, kind

741
00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:33,279
Speaker 1: of like dipping our toe into the pool before we

742
00:35:33,320 --> 00:35:36,680
Speaker 1: decide to jump in. See that's you know what. I

743
00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:39,600
Speaker 1: don't mind that because rather than have resentment with somebody

744
00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:41,759
Speaker 1: because you feel obligated and feel stuck, let's go on

745
00:35:41,800 --> 00:35:43,759
Speaker 1: a break. If I don't miss you after a couple

746
00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:46,000
Speaker 1: of days, I don't speak to you for a week.

747
00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:49,640
Speaker 1: You know, I don't miss this person, and I'm not

748
00:35:49,719 --> 00:35:51,880
Speaker 1: like you going that break and then you realize that

749
00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:55,640
Speaker 1: it's like, you know what, let's shake hands. I think

750
00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:57,319
Speaker 1: that makes you drink every now and again. But it

751
00:35:57,320 --> 00:35:59,239
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be that. But I feel like some

752
00:35:59,239 --> 00:36:01,959
Speaker 1: people either hold in or nothing. You know, we either

753
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:04,839
Speaker 1: together and it's analogamous. There's there's no trial and error,

754
00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:07,719
Speaker 1: and like we talked before, there's no grace in relationships.

755
00:36:07,719 --> 00:36:10,080
Speaker 1: There's always we're together right now, you follow all my rules.

756
00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:12,520
Speaker 1: A minute you step out is over. I have yet

757
00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:14,680
Speaker 1: to see a relationship that works that now that does

758
00:36:14,719 --> 00:36:17,239
Speaker 1: not work. I haven't seen not one relationship, no, not

759
00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:20,960
Speaker 1: for long. No, we've had friends who they say that

760
00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:24,239
Speaker 1: this is my this is it, and then they've even

761
00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:26,759
Speaker 1: even given grace. And after a while I was like, well,

762
00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:28,279
Speaker 1: I thought you said you wasn't gonna put up with that,

763
00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:32,279
Speaker 1: and he's like, well, you know it, and I'm like,

764
00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:34,600
Speaker 1: I don't judge them now. I'm like, I'm like you see,

765
00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:38,359
Speaker 1: like that's that's life. It is life, and it's huge.

766
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:40,960
Speaker 1: And while we were talking about the topic of renegotiation,

767
00:36:41,080 --> 00:36:44,800
Speaker 1: that's important in all relationships. At some point in your relationship,

768
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:47,480
Speaker 1: in your marriage, you're going to have to renegotiate partnership.

769
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:50,760
Speaker 1: When you first got married, life looks very different before kids.

770
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:53,640
Speaker 1: Whence you have kids, life looks very different. Or when

771
00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:55,800
Speaker 1: you go into relationship you think, well I'm going to

772
00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:57,480
Speaker 1: be this way, he's going to be that way, or

773
00:36:57,520 --> 00:36:59,920
Speaker 1: we're gonna do things this way. And then children kind

774
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:02,879
Speaker 1: our jobs change. One goes back to school, and now

775
00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:06,080
Speaker 1: the household looks different, so we need to renegotiate partnership.

776
00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:08,280
Speaker 1: I know, before I said I do all the cooking,

777
00:37:08,320 --> 00:37:10,920
Speaker 1: but now that I'm back at school, that's not working anymore.

778
00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:18,160
Speaker 1: We've definitely been It's funny because so many people have

779
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:21,320
Speaker 1: have like hashtag us a couple of goals, right, not

780
00:37:21,480 --> 00:37:23,920
Speaker 1: gonna lie hate it. I do hate it, Like I

781
00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:27,600
Speaker 1: appreciate it and I love it, and I appreciate the admiration,

782
00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:30,680
Speaker 1: but I feel like they get it from social media,

783
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:33,759
Speaker 1: and social media is a highlight. And then I feel

784
00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:38,000
Speaker 1: like we owe them the truth about everything so that

785
00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:40,560
Speaker 1: you can realize in yourself, like, no, you're you're in

786
00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:42,600
Speaker 1: a couple. You're a couple of goal to you know,

787
00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:45,439
Speaker 1: you and you and your significant other being together seven

788
00:37:45,560 --> 00:37:47,520
Speaker 1: years and you're fighting through and y'all argue and y'all

789
00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:49,200
Speaker 1: go on breaks and you're getting back together. That's a

790
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:51,799
Speaker 1: couple of goals. People who are fighting for their relationships

791
00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:54,000
Speaker 1: is a couple of goal, not just taking the nice

792
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:57,200
Speaker 1: pictures for us. I feel like it's important to divulge.

793
00:37:57,360 --> 00:37:58,880
Speaker 1: Some people say, you know, you know, why would you

794
00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:03,080
Speaker 1: talk about your past trains questions? Because it's important. It's important,

795
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:06,319
Speaker 1: it's a testimony and it can really help someone else

796
00:38:06,719 --> 00:38:09,040
Speaker 1: when sometimes we go through things in life, not just

797
00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:13,080
Speaker 1: for ourselves but for somebody else. About the couple's goals.

798
00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:16,279
Speaker 1: One thing that when I think about you guys, and

799
00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:19,239
Speaker 1: I see hashtag couples goals. What I think of as

800
00:38:19,239 --> 00:38:21,680
Speaker 1: the goal is the friendship. You know, you guys have

801
00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:24,279
Speaker 1: a friendship, and I feel that here. I see that

802
00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:26,440
Speaker 1: in your social media. I see that in your in

803
00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:28,799
Speaker 1: your videos, and that is so important. And I know

804
00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:30,799
Speaker 1: it sounds cliche, like, oh, you have to be friends

805
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:33,560
Speaker 1: with your significant other, so so cliche, but it's so

806
00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:39,080
Speaker 1: cliche because it's so important. It's true doing what's saying Like,

807
00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:42,920
Speaker 1: I know it sounds cliche, yes, because as soon as

808
00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:44,839
Speaker 1: you say that, people like here she goes with that

809
00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:48,560
Speaker 1: textbook called monster, Like I'm saying it because it's true.

810
00:38:48,719 --> 00:38:50,560
Speaker 1: You know, I see it in my professional work and

811
00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:52,520
Speaker 1: I see it in my personal life as well. I

812
00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:55,400
Speaker 1: think the friendship aspect of our relationship has saved us

813
00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:58,040
Speaker 1: a lot. It gives so much grace. It saved us

814
00:38:58,080 --> 00:39:00,120
Speaker 1: so much because at that point, those points where you

815
00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:02,880
Speaker 1: had those difficult conversations and it's just like damn, I

816
00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:05,120
Speaker 1: can't believe my husband caught me with this, and it's

817
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:08,920
Speaker 1: just like damn. But that there's a friendship hair that

818
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:11,719
Speaker 1: makes it that much harder to just walk away, right,

819
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:13,680
Speaker 1: you know what, It makes it that much harder to

820
00:39:13,719 --> 00:39:16,960
Speaker 1: walk away. People give more grace to their friends they

821
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:20,120
Speaker 1: do than they give this significant or to that toxic

822
00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:25,200
Speaker 1: as family member over Thanksgiving, Like you know what I mean? Why? Why?

823
00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:28,080
Speaker 1: Why do you think that people are willing to give

824
00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:30,040
Speaker 1: more grace other than the fact that, Okay, I'm not

825
00:39:30,040 --> 00:39:32,279
Speaker 1: sleeping with my best friend. But it's like, why are

826
00:39:32,280 --> 00:39:34,719
Speaker 1: you willing to give more grace to this person than

827
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:36,520
Speaker 1: someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

828
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:39,680
Speaker 1: I think that in a friendship there's a level of

829
00:39:39,800 --> 00:39:43,520
Speaker 1: intimacy and there's a level of closeness and vulnerability that

830
00:39:43,600 --> 00:39:46,759
Speaker 1: we don't always see in relationships. Sometimes people feel that

831
00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:49,040
Speaker 1: in a relationship they have to act a certain way

832
00:39:49,120 --> 00:39:51,200
Speaker 1: or put a mask on. But the truth is, the

833
00:39:51,239 --> 00:39:53,160
Speaker 1: best relationship is the one where you can take that

834
00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:56,760
Speaker 1: mask off, you can completely be yourself and that person

835
00:39:56,840 --> 00:40:00,439
Speaker 1: loves you unconditionally no matter what. And so when we're

836
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:03,480
Speaker 1: not friends with our significant other, we're truly doing ourselves

837
00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:06,520
Speaker 1: in our relationship with disservice because there's so much growth

838
00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:09,759
Speaker 1: that can happen and being your significant other's friends and

839
00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:11,919
Speaker 1: wanting to hang out with each other because there will

840
00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:14,000
Speaker 1: be some points in your relationship where you can't have

841
00:40:14,080 --> 00:40:16,200
Speaker 1: sex and So if the relationship is all about the

842
00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:18,319
Speaker 1: sex and it's going to crumble, but if we can

843
00:40:18,360 --> 00:40:20,799
Speaker 1: set up and play cards together because I just had

844
00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:23,279
Speaker 1: a baby two weeks ago and I cannot have sex yet,

845
00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:27,359
Speaker 1: then and we can still enjoy each other's company, tell

846
00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:30,360
Speaker 1: you something, you just you really just spoke. You just

847
00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:34,080
Speaker 1: spoke our life. We talked so much how high my

848
00:40:34,120 --> 00:40:36,319
Speaker 1: sex drive is. And Cadine had three children and her

849
00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:39,359
Speaker 1: sex drive business high. And men asked me all the time, bro,

850
00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:43,480
Speaker 1: how do you stay monogamous when you your woman doesn't

851
00:40:43,480 --> 00:40:46,480
Speaker 1: want to have sex? Codine and I watch movies, You

852
00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:50,160
Speaker 1: play cards, We edit videos. We like, there's so many

853
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:55,080
Speaker 1: other things we do during that time that I enjoy that.

854
00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:57,480
Speaker 1: Of course, I enjoy having sex with my wife, like

855
00:40:57,560 --> 00:40:59,600
Speaker 1: she's beautiful, you know, I'm a man. I love it,

856
00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:03,440
Speaker 1: But there's so many other things. So I have I

857
00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:07,960
Speaker 1: have a question for you, codem me. Okay, once you

858
00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:10,400
Speaker 1: found out that I cheated, how were you able to

859
00:41:10,440 --> 00:41:13,799
Speaker 1: get through that? Like how were you able to put

860
00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:15,759
Speaker 1: yourself into space where it was like, okay, let me

861
00:41:15,800 --> 00:41:19,000
Speaker 1: start trying to trust the vale again, or trying to

862
00:41:19,040 --> 00:41:21,640
Speaker 1: work on this marriage, Like what were you going through

863
00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:24,920
Speaker 1: during that time. Well, um, I think the first thing

864
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:29,120
Speaker 1: for me was I knew that it wasn't on you

865
00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:32,960
Speaker 1: to do anything, particularly to make me trust you again.

866
00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:37,520
Speaker 1: The first step was I had to decide, Okay, here

867
00:41:37,560 --> 00:41:40,280
Speaker 1: I am presented with the scenario. This is what happened.

868
00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:43,640
Speaker 1: I'm now giving a choice. Do I want to stick

869
00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:45,960
Speaker 1: around to work this out or do I not. The

870
00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:48,880
Speaker 1: first thing for me wasn't to eat automatically throw it

871
00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:50,400
Speaker 1: on you and say, de Val, you have to do X,

872
00:41:50,520 --> 00:41:52,759
Speaker 1: Y and Z and now prove to me that you're

873
00:41:52,800 --> 00:41:55,360
Speaker 1: worthy of you know, me sticking around, And you have

874
00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:57,359
Speaker 1: to do X y Z to prove that I can try,

875
00:41:57,440 --> 00:41:58,920
Speaker 1: Like you have to open up your phone to me

876
00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:01,000
Speaker 1: now and show me your phone and day like to me,

877
00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:03,279
Speaker 1: I didn't feel like that was necessary for me. I

878
00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:05,399
Speaker 1: felt like, all right, and do that And I didn't

879
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:08,880
Speaker 1: do that. No, and I felt like, Okay, I have

880
00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:11,719
Speaker 1: to make a choice. I love Devot enough to stick

881
00:42:11,719 --> 00:42:14,799
Speaker 1: around based off of what he's told me. Also, knowing

882
00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:18,359
Speaker 1: to Deval is just not like I said before, ain't ship, dude,

883
00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:21,640
Speaker 1: It's just like out hearing these streets. Um, I don't

884
00:42:21,640 --> 00:42:23,720
Speaker 1: want to say you had a reason for cheating, because

885
00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:26,319
Speaker 1: I don't like having a reason for cheating means that

886
00:42:26,360 --> 00:42:28,960
Speaker 1: there's like, you know, there's an excuse almost they are

887
00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:30,640
Speaker 1: built in. So I wouldn't say there was a reason

888
00:42:30,680 --> 00:42:34,239
Speaker 1: for it, but it did have me kind of have

889
00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:37,160
Speaker 1: a period of introspection now to say, okay, Katine, so

890
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:40,759
Speaker 1: this has happened. Can you understand at least where he

891
00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:42,840
Speaker 1: may have been, what he may have been feeling, what

892
00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:44,840
Speaker 1: may have led up to these chain of events that

893
00:42:44,880 --> 00:42:48,239
Speaker 1: maybe you can now take control of and change. Can

894
00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:50,600
Speaker 1: you take a little bit of a responsibility and saying,

895
00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:53,080
Speaker 1: you know what, maybe I wasn't doing X y Z

896
00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:55,040
Speaker 1: in that moment, and that's exactly what I did, because

897
00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:57,520
Speaker 1: you did have some valid points when we started having

898
00:42:57,520 --> 00:43:01,440
Speaker 1: the conversation. Though I was hurt, though I was upset it, um,

899
00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:03,640
Speaker 1: I do feel like there was areas that I could

900
00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:05,920
Speaker 1: potentially grow on to then give it a second chance,

901
00:43:06,560 --> 00:43:09,360
Speaker 1: if that makes sense. So it makes sense because I

902
00:43:09,360 --> 00:43:10,960
Speaker 1: felt like I was in the same space. Yeah, so

903
00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:13,000
Speaker 1: I felt like at that point, you know what, this

904
00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:14,919
Speaker 1: room for growth for both of us. We were both

905
00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:16,400
Speaker 1: really young, we were going through a lot of things

906
00:43:16,440 --> 00:43:18,840
Speaker 1: at the same time. UM So for me, I felt like,

907
00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:20,440
Speaker 1: you know what, let me give to the out another

908
00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:23,680
Speaker 1: chance because it's worth it. UM. I found I think

909
00:43:23,680 --> 00:43:26,279
Speaker 1: there was value in our relationship at that point too.

910
00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:28,160
Speaker 1: We had already had our first son. It was like,

911
00:43:28,200 --> 00:43:30,839
Speaker 1: you know, after this one scenario, I'm not gonna throw

912
00:43:30,880 --> 00:43:33,440
Speaker 1: everything away, UM. And I felt like you were just

913
00:43:33,480 --> 00:43:35,600
Speaker 1: worth it, like you were my you are my best friend.

914
00:43:35,600 --> 00:43:37,120
Speaker 1: In that moment, you were my best friend. And I

915
00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:39,440
Speaker 1: feel like we had a moment and it happens, and

916
00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:41,280
Speaker 1: I think you're human, and I didn't want to treat

917
00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:44,680
Speaker 1: you as um as this scenario being like something that

918
00:43:44,719 --> 00:43:46,160
Speaker 1: was super human, like you know what I mean, like

919
00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:48,320
Speaker 1: you like you don't have feelings, like you don't have emotions.

920
00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:52,160
Speaker 1: I tried to really really it as hard as it was,

921
00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:55,640
Speaker 1: I tried to really kind of think about where you

922
00:43:55,680 --> 00:43:58,080
Speaker 1: were in your mindset at that point, and then I

923
00:43:58,120 --> 00:43:59,640
Speaker 1: had to decide if it was something that I could

924
00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:02,840
Speaker 1: deal with. And you gave me time. I mean time

925
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:05,120
Speaker 1: was also a very big factor for us, because I

926
00:44:05,160 --> 00:44:07,440
Speaker 1: was then able to say you know what, slowly but

927
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:10,560
Speaker 1: surely as I got over it, I knew that I

928
00:44:10,600 --> 00:44:14,000
Speaker 1: was able to just, you know, give it another shot.

929
00:44:14,760 --> 00:44:17,640
Speaker 1: Does that sound like Melissa likes, like the proper steps

930
00:44:17,640 --> 00:44:20,480
Speaker 1: you should take if you want to be in a relationship. Yeah. Absolutely.

931
00:44:20,480 --> 00:44:22,520
Speaker 1: One thing a few things that Kadin said that I

932
00:44:22,560 --> 00:44:26,880
Speaker 1: really appreciate. She didn't not take ownership for for your choice,

933
00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:30,040
Speaker 1: but she did see where some areas she could be

934
00:44:30,120 --> 00:44:33,200
Speaker 1: responsible in making changes within herself. And then she also

935
00:44:33,320 --> 00:44:35,120
Speaker 1: checked in and said, is this worth it? Is this

936
00:44:35,200 --> 00:44:38,160
Speaker 1: something that I want to continue on? And when we

937
00:44:38,239 --> 00:44:40,960
Speaker 1: make that decision knowing that it can be challenging moving forward,

938
00:44:41,120 --> 00:44:43,799
Speaker 1: but now we've made a choice to stay and so

939
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:45,920
Speaker 1: if I choose to say, then that means I'm willing

940
00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:48,319
Speaker 1: to do the work to make this happen. And the

941
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:50,160
Speaker 1: other thing that was said that I really appreciate is

942
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:53,200
Speaker 1: that you gave her time, which is so important because

943
00:44:53,239 --> 00:44:55,520
Speaker 1: sometimes you know, when we have our transgressions, we feel like,

944
00:44:55,560 --> 00:44:57,600
Speaker 1: well that's over, I've changed, I'm not doing that anymore.

945
00:44:57,840 --> 00:45:00,040
Speaker 1: Let's move forward. Like no, I still need time. I

946
00:45:00,400 --> 00:45:03,600
Speaker 1: need time to heal. And just like if couldn't get

947
00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:05,719
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, couldn't get the wound, or devout gets a wound,

948
00:45:05,719 --> 00:45:07,839
Speaker 1: it's going to heal differently, and so we all heal

949
00:45:07,920 --> 00:45:10,000
Speaker 1: at different rates and giving each other time to be

950
00:45:10,040 --> 00:45:11,880
Speaker 1: able to heal and have our own process is so

951
00:45:11,920 --> 00:45:14,480
Speaker 1: important for sure. And I think it's a point you

952
00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:16,719
Speaker 1: said about the time too, because people will hear this

953
00:45:17,320 --> 00:45:19,520
Speaker 1: and they will feel like, I gotta feel like that

954
00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:21,840
Speaker 1: in the moment it happens, and you didn't feel like

955
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:25,200
Speaker 1: this in the moment. It's like I said, uh, hindsight,

956
00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:28,919
Speaker 1: when I found out about codeine, I did not feel

957
00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:33,320
Speaker 1: like that. Initially, I was pissed, like ape ship pissed,

958
00:45:33,560 --> 00:45:36,120
Speaker 1: and I wasn't sitting here, you know, like, well, let

959
00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:39,480
Speaker 1: me think back about introspection. It was all about I'm

960
00:45:39,480 --> 00:45:42,520
Speaker 1: about to kill his fool, and then you know, it's

961
00:45:42,520 --> 00:45:44,960
Speaker 1: a time. It's a time. So I think it's important

962
00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:46,759
Speaker 1: that you couldn't have reacted like that with me because

963
00:45:46,760 --> 00:45:48,960
Speaker 1: I was like probably nursing Jackson at the time, so

964
00:45:50,719 --> 00:45:52,719
Speaker 1: I couldn't fly off the hands like I might have

965
00:45:52,760 --> 00:45:56,000
Speaker 1: wanted to. I think my hormones were like still doing

966
00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:59,080
Speaker 1: the roller coaster fact after baby and whatnot, so I

967
00:45:59,080 --> 00:46:03,359
Speaker 1: probably was a little more um then you. You were

968
00:46:03,040 --> 00:46:06,799
Speaker 1: you you were. You were very calm when I told you,

969
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:11,840
Speaker 1: and I think I kind of felt something was I

970
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:14,360
Speaker 1: felt the disconnect to so it's like I almost wasn't surprised.

971
00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:15,800
Speaker 1: I kind of like when you said you set yourself

972
00:46:15,800 --> 00:46:18,279
Speaker 1: a buffer, like how you have the buffer, like, well,

973
00:46:18,320 --> 00:46:20,360
Speaker 1: if she did or not, like at this point, like whatever,

974
00:46:20,400 --> 00:46:21,960
Speaker 1: I made peace with it in myself. So if Kadean

975
00:46:22,040 --> 00:46:24,239
Speaker 1: did this or not, then it was whatever. I think.

976
00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:26,440
Speaker 1: I kind of had this buffer within me, like I

977
00:46:26,520 --> 00:46:28,480
Speaker 1: kind of feel like it's a disconnecting something wrong. So

978
00:46:28,719 --> 00:46:30,799
Speaker 1: it was almost like a relief when it did happen,

979
00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:33,040
Speaker 1: because it's like, my gut, my gut wasn't lying to

980
00:46:33,080 --> 00:46:35,440
Speaker 1: me when you talking about that woman, the female intuition

981
00:46:35,520 --> 00:46:37,960
Speaker 1: and the gut, I felt deep down there was something

982
00:46:38,000 --> 00:46:39,640
Speaker 1: going on, and I was like, Okay, this is not

983
00:46:39,880 --> 00:46:43,360
Speaker 1: post baby situations. This is actually a legitimate feeling I'm feeling.

984
00:46:43,640 --> 00:46:45,680
Speaker 1: So I want to say, in a strange way, it

985
00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:47,680
Speaker 1: was almost a sense of relief once I found out

986
00:46:47,719 --> 00:46:50,040
Speaker 1: about it, because I was like, Okay, so I'm not crazy.

987
00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:52,399
Speaker 1: I'm not crazy, So don't make my gut act up again.

988
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:55,840
Speaker 1: I because you know, I'm not just gonna be popping

989
00:46:55,840 --> 00:46:59,640
Speaker 1: the pepto bismol like I trying to have those problems

990
00:46:59,640 --> 00:47:01,839
Speaker 1: because all of your people that rock what you're gonna

991
00:47:01,840 --> 00:47:04,160
Speaker 1: come for me. I'm gonna have six hundred thousand women

992
00:47:04,640 --> 00:47:10,200
Speaker 1: at my doorstep talking about I'm not trying to have

993
00:47:10,239 --> 00:47:12,960
Speaker 1: that problem for sure, But what about with you when

994
00:47:12,960 --> 00:47:15,720
Speaker 1: it when it comes to um. I guess regating trust

995
00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:17,800
Speaker 1: and being able to just kind of work pass things

996
00:47:17,880 --> 00:47:20,600
Speaker 1: like was there anything that particularly helped you that maybe

997
00:47:20,719 --> 00:47:24,080
Speaker 1: will help another man or woman. I think being an

998
00:47:24,160 --> 00:47:29,799
Speaker 1: athlete and realizing that everybody makes mistakes and realizing that

999
00:47:30,200 --> 00:47:32,040
Speaker 1: you realize you don't realize the mistakes you make. To

1000
00:47:32,120 --> 00:47:34,400
Speaker 1: you see yourself on camera, remember that I told you

1001
00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:36,359
Speaker 1: that I and this guy don't lie. I learned as

1002
00:47:36,360 --> 00:47:38,040
Speaker 1: an athlete very young. I was a team when we

1003
00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:40,520
Speaker 1: first started film in practice, and I remember getting screamed

1004
00:47:40,520 --> 00:47:42,600
Speaker 1: that by a coach and getting berated, and he was saying,

1005
00:47:42,640 --> 00:47:44,960
Speaker 1: you're supposed to run six yards and I was like

1006
00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:46,919
Speaker 1: I ran six yards. He's like, no, you ran five

1007
00:47:47,000 --> 00:47:48,600
Speaker 1: yards and I was just like I ran and we

1008
00:47:48,760 --> 00:47:51,120
Speaker 1: arguing until I get into the office and we watched

1009
00:47:51,160 --> 00:47:53,880
Speaker 1: the film and I was wrong. At that point is

1010
00:47:53,880 --> 00:47:57,040
Speaker 1: when I realized, you know, in my mind as a person,

1011
00:47:57,080 --> 00:47:59,560
Speaker 1: I thought I was doing the right thing. But it

1012
00:47:59,600 --> 00:48:02,680
Speaker 1: took me seeing it from someone else's perspective to say,

1013
00:48:02,719 --> 00:48:05,320
Speaker 1: you know what, I don't know everything. So I started

1014
00:48:05,360 --> 00:48:07,680
Speaker 1: to take that approach with my friends, my family, and

1015
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:12,399
Speaker 1: my my wife, my significant others. So when you make

1016
00:48:12,440 --> 00:48:14,360
Speaker 1: a decision that's in the best interest for you, I

1017
00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:16,880
Speaker 1: don't anymore. I'm not in a position that way. I'm

1018
00:48:16,880 --> 00:48:18,160
Speaker 1: just going to scream at you and think it has

1019
00:48:18,160 --> 00:48:20,919
Speaker 1: to be done this way. So even during that time,

1020
00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:23,480
Speaker 1: I remember asking you. I said, well, and this is

1021
00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:24,960
Speaker 1: the guy's on the shoes. I said, do you feel

1022
00:48:25,000 --> 00:48:27,120
Speaker 1: like this is something you need to continue for yourself?

1023
00:48:27,760 --> 00:48:32,360
Speaker 1: I asked, I did because I didn't want to be

1024
00:48:32,400 --> 00:48:35,480
Speaker 1: lied to and I didn't want to be deceived. So

1025
00:48:35,640 --> 00:48:37,560
Speaker 1: if it was, I wanted her to be honest with

1026
00:48:37,600 --> 00:48:40,759
Speaker 1: me and it will make decisions accordingly, because I didn't

1027
00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:43,040
Speaker 1: want to be sitting here in the dark. So if

1028
00:48:43,080 --> 00:48:44,959
Speaker 1: you feel like you need that, right, I need a choice.

1029
00:48:45,000 --> 00:48:47,560
Speaker 1: If you feel like you need that, tell me, and

1030
00:48:47,880 --> 00:48:49,239
Speaker 1: if that is then we can find a way to

1031
00:48:49,280 --> 00:48:51,440
Speaker 1: work through it. Now we may not be together, but

1032
00:48:51,560 --> 00:48:54,120
Speaker 1: at least I knew that you needed that, and it's

1033
00:48:54,160 --> 00:48:55,880
Speaker 1: not something that I was. You know, something that I

1034
00:48:55,920 --> 00:48:57,560
Speaker 1: could do is something you needed? Yeah, I think in

1035
00:48:57,600 --> 00:48:59,839
Speaker 1: both scenarios it was the similar thing, like, if that's

1036
00:49:00,040 --> 00:49:03,800
Speaker 1: it is going to make you happy, I would sleep

1037
00:49:03,840 --> 00:49:06,000
Speaker 1: better at night knowing that you're going to be happy

1038
00:49:06,040 --> 00:49:08,839
Speaker 1: doing what it is that makes you feel good, like

1039
00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:10,839
Speaker 1: and not just feel good in that moment because it's

1040
00:49:10,840 --> 00:49:13,120
Speaker 1: something sexual, but that you know being here is not

1041
00:49:13,719 --> 00:49:16,480
Speaker 1: where you're going to be the happiest. And also realizing

1042
00:49:16,520 --> 00:49:20,279
Speaker 1: that we can't control each other's happiness, like I can

1043
00:49:20,320 --> 00:49:22,000
Speaker 1: be happy, you can be happy to be happy together,

1044
00:49:22,040 --> 00:49:23,759
Speaker 1: but if I'm going to be depending on you to

1045
00:49:23,920 --> 00:49:27,120
Speaker 1: create this level of happiness, not going to it's just

1046
00:49:27,200 --> 00:49:30,480
Speaker 1: not gonna work. And and having those false hopes and

1047
00:49:30,520 --> 00:49:33,239
Speaker 1: those false pretenses of just like, okay, this is what

1048
00:49:33,280 --> 00:49:36,799
Speaker 1: you should expect when you do marry somebody. It's just

1049
00:49:36,880 --> 00:49:39,879
Speaker 1: not realistic. Absolutely, it goes back to that a little

1050
00:49:39,880 --> 00:49:42,719
Speaker 1: bit that's saying, you know, marriage is fifty fifty, Like no,

1051
00:49:42,800 --> 00:49:44,640
Speaker 1: it's not. Marriage is a hundred percent you and a

1052
00:49:44,680 --> 00:49:47,200
Speaker 1: hundred percent me. So I have to bring my hundred

1053
00:49:47,200 --> 00:49:50,720
Speaker 1: percent self, my happiness, my joy, find that within myself,

1054
00:49:50,760 --> 00:49:53,080
Speaker 1: and then bring that to my marriage in order for

1055
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:56,000
Speaker 1: us to have a happy marriage. The happiness cannot resonate

1056
00:49:56,040 --> 00:49:59,040
Speaker 1: and depend on one person. That's so important. And the

1057
00:49:59,120 --> 00:50:01,799
Speaker 1: piece about having that open communication you give the other

1058
00:50:01,800 --> 00:50:04,600
Speaker 1: person a choice and continue. You made a statement and said,

1059
00:50:04,880 --> 00:50:07,600
Speaker 1: you know, is are you happy? Because if you're not

1060
00:50:07,640 --> 00:50:10,640
Speaker 1: happy here, it's gonna happen again, And so being honest

1061
00:50:10,719 --> 00:50:13,759
Speaker 1: with each other, but also having to be honest with yourself,

1062
00:50:14,320 --> 00:50:17,680
Speaker 1: you know, and sometimes that's hard, No, for sure, Sometimes

1063
00:50:17,680 --> 00:50:19,000
Speaker 1: you may have to learn the hard way. There may

1064
00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:21,680
Speaker 1: be people who feel like, you know what, in this moment,

1065
00:50:21,800 --> 00:50:23,160
Speaker 1: I don't want to be with you, or it's going

1066
00:50:23,200 --> 00:50:25,880
Speaker 1: to make me happier to be elsewhere, and then you

1067
00:50:25,920 --> 00:50:28,080
Speaker 1: may have to take that gamble. You go elsewhere and

1068
00:50:28,080 --> 00:50:31,160
Speaker 1: you realize that should that grass and greener right, and

1069
00:50:31,200 --> 00:50:33,960
Speaker 1: then it's like we you know a lot of it.

1070
00:50:34,040 --> 00:50:36,160
Speaker 1: Sometimes two is a gamble, don't you think? Yeah, absolutely

1071
00:50:36,280 --> 00:50:38,640
Speaker 1: is a gamble. You can walk away and not find

1072
00:50:38,640 --> 00:50:40,320
Speaker 1: what you're looking for, or you can walk away and

1073
00:50:40,360 --> 00:50:43,319
Speaker 1: you also risk the other person finding somebody else, and

1074
00:50:43,320 --> 00:50:45,200
Speaker 1: then you come back knocking on the door and they're like,

1075
00:50:45,280 --> 00:50:48,439
Speaker 1: somebody else lives there now. But I mean, I feel

1076
00:50:48,480 --> 00:50:51,960
Speaker 1: like the the trial is the tribulation, is the transgressions,

1077
00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:53,319
Speaker 1: all of it whatever you want to call it, that

1078
00:50:53,400 --> 00:50:59,960
Speaker 1: we've had um totally make us like stronger, Like they're

1079
00:51:00,080 --> 00:51:04,000
Speaker 1: know such things that perfect anything, um and it's just

1080
00:51:04,040 --> 00:51:06,480
Speaker 1: not realistic. But it's not. And the funny thing is

1081
00:51:06,520 --> 00:51:08,799
Speaker 1: means there's a lot of memes that say, you know,

1082
00:51:09,280 --> 00:51:11,480
Speaker 1: don't come to me a broken person. You got to

1083
00:51:11,520 --> 00:51:14,319
Speaker 1: be a full person when you come to me to

1084
00:51:14,400 --> 00:51:17,560
Speaker 1: be with me. And I'm like, if that's your mindset

1085
00:51:17,600 --> 00:51:20,160
Speaker 1: for dating someone, you're gonna be in for rood or

1086
00:51:20,200 --> 00:51:22,680
Speaker 1: that's why you alone, right, that's why you alone. Because

1087
00:51:22,719 --> 00:51:25,760
Speaker 1: it's not a women a broken thing or men are broken.

1088
00:51:26,200 --> 00:51:29,400
Speaker 1: We are all broken people trying to figure out life,

1089
00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:32,080
Speaker 1: like we all I hate just guessing, trying to figure

1090
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:33,839
Speaker 1: out what life is. And when you're trying to be

1091
00:51:33,880 --> 00:51:35,760
Speaker 1: with someone for the rest of your life, the broken

1092
00:51:35,800 --> 00:51:37,239
Speaker 1: parts of them and the broken parts of you're going

1093
00:51:37,280 --> 00:51:39,239
Speaker 1: to have to come together to form that union. So

1094
00:51:40,000 --> 00:51:42,520
Speaker 1: I'm open to say I've I'm broken, I've been broken,

1095
00:51:42,719 --> 00:51:45,600
Speaker 1: I'm still very much broken, and I'm just I'm working

1096
00:51:45,600 --> 00:51:47,719
Speaker 1: on myself and right, and that's the important piece. It's

1097
00:51:47,719 --> 00:51:50,000
Speaker 1: being able to work on yourself, having that self awareness

1098
00:51:50,080 --> 00:51:52,040
Speaker 1: of like these are the pieces that I'm broken, so

1099
00:51:52,120 --> 00:51:55,480
Speaker 1: I'm working on them. I think when we neglect the work,

1100
00:51:55,560 --> 00:51:58,120
Speaker 1: then that's where the trouble comes in. And there will

1101
00:51:58,160 --> 00:52:00,479
Speaker 1: be some pieces, as you said, that are still broken

1102
00:52:00,520 --> 00:52:02,239
Speaker 1: when you come together, and some pieces that you didn't

1103
00:52:02,239 --> 00:52:04,400
Speaker 1: even realize are broken. And so you come together, but

1104
00:52:04,480 --> 00:52:06,319
Speaker 1: you have to at least be doing the work. If

1105
00:52:06,320 --> 00:52:08,040
Speaker 1: you're not doing the work, then that's where the trouble

1106
00:52:08,080 --> 00:52:10,359
Speaker 1: comes no, for sure. And then I also know that

1107
00:52:10,440 --> 00:52:12,239
Speaker 1: the way to Valie deal with things may not be

1108
00:52:12,400 --> 00:52:14,560
Speaker 1: traditional and we don't want to see like where the

1109
00:52:14,640 --> 00:52:16,440
Speaker 1: experts and is. Of course that's why we brought you in.

1110
00:52:16,680 --> 00:52:19,520
Speaker 1: I'm hoping what people will take away from this episode

1111
00:52:19,560 --> 00:52:22,280
Speaker 1: today is that you know, everyone deals with things differently.

1112
00:52:22,760 --> 00:52:25,319
Speaker 1: There's certain flags that they should maybe look for when

1113
00:52:25,400 --> 00:52:28,080
Speaker 1: it comes to infidelities and cheating um. And also to

1114
00:52:28,239 --> 00:52:32,120
Speaker 1: knowing that some most relationships that want to say, I

1115
00:52:32,239 --> 00:52:35,640
Speaker 1: hope are worth the working through, and then some aren't.

1116
00:52:35,680 --> 00:52:39,200
Speaker 1: And I guess trying to learn where that is some aren't.

1117
00:52:39,280 --> 00:52:41,920
Speaker 1: And one question to ask yourself if you're considering a

1118
00:52:41,960 --> 00:52:45,040
Speaker 1: break or considering not getting back together after transgression is

1119
00:52:45,320 --> 00:52:47,960
Speaker 1: does the good outweigh the bad? And only you know

1120
00:52:48,000 --> 00:52:52,560
Speaker 1: the answers right for sure. Yeah, this is a great Well,

1121
00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:56,720
Speaker 1: we're gonna keep you around because you know, all right, guest,

1122
00:52:57,040 --> 00:52:58,680
Speaker 1: so that would be good. We get tons of letters

1123
00:52:58,719 --> 00:53:02,120
Speaker 1: in from people asking them right, so we picked to today.

1124
00:53:02,120 --> 00:53:04,359
Speaker 1: We're okay, you can help us answer right, Let's get

1125
00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:06,640
Speaker 1: expert opinion. But we're going to do that after we

1126
00:53:06,680 --> 00:53:15,279
Speaker 1: take a quick break and get into some ads. This

1127
00:53:15,440 --> 00:53:20,440
Speaker 1: for the record, there, it is a win for the ages.

1128
00:53:22,400 --> 00:53:26,320
Speaker 1: Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons.

1129
00:53:26,800 --> 00:53:30,440
Speaker 1: In his story, it comes with many chapters. I am

1130
00:53:30,480 --> 00:53:35,759
Speaker 1: deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here

1131
00:53:35,800 --> 00:53:43,600
Speaker 1: it is the return to glory. This is All American,

1132
00:53:44,120 --> 00:53:47,600
Speaker 1: a new series from Stitcher hosted by me Jordan Bell.

1133
00:53:48,080 --> 00:53:50,319
Speaker 1: You realized Tiger Woods doesn't know who he is best

1134
00:53:50,960 --> 00:53:53,720
Speaker 1: in the history of gaul no question in my mind.

1135
00:53:55,440 --> 00:53:58,040
Speaker 1: And this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen,

1136
00:53:58,920 --> 00:54:02,840
Speaker 1: we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that

1137
00:54:02,920 --> 00:54:08,080
Speaker 1: the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong?

1138
00:54:08,600 --> 00:54:11,640
Speaker 1: All American Tiger is out now listen and stitch your

1139
00:54:11,680 --> 00:54:20,000
Speaker 1: Apple podcasts or your favorite podcast app. Alright, so pretty

1140
00:54:20,000 --> 00:54:22,840
Speaker 1: heavy topic here today. We always laugh and joke Melissa that, um,

1141
00:54:22,960 --> 00:54:25,120
Speaker 1: the podcast is like our therapy because people see us

1142
00:54:25,120 --> 00:54:27,279
Speaker 1: in different formats like, of course on YouTube being fun

1143
00:54:27,280 --> 00:54:29,759
Speaker 1: with the family and Instagram with the funny videos. But

1144
00:54:29,880 --> 00:54:32,440
Speaker 1: the podcast was so perfect for us as an extension

1145
00:54:32,480 --> 00:54:35,279
Speaker 1: of those because we can really like talk through some things.

1146
00:54:35,280 --> 00:54:36,799
Speaker 1: And I can't tell you how many times we leave

1147
00:54:36,880 --> 00:54:39,160
Speaker 1: here and on the ride home we're just like, I

1148
00:54:39,160 --> 00:54:42,480
Speaker 1: can't believe he really felt that way in this today.

1149
00:54:42,520 --> 00:54:44,160
Speaker 1: It happens a lot with us. So thank you for

1150
00:54:44,160 --> 00:54:47,200
Speaker 1: sitting in and talk to some difficult things. It's your

1151
00:54:47,280 --> 00:54:51,000
Speaker 1: quiet time. It's an adult time when we can talk

1152
00:54:51,040 --> 00:54:53,319
Speaker 1: to each other and talk to other adults, So thank

1153
00:54:53,360 --> 00:54:55,719
Speaker 1: you for that. So we're gonna jump into a listener. Letters.

1154
00:54:55,719 --> 00:54:58,000
Speaker 1: We picked out two. I'm gonna go ahead and read

1155
00:54:58,040 --> 00:55:00,400
Speaker 1: the first one. Hello, guys, I needed us know what

1156
00:55:00,440 --> 00:55:02,360
Speaker 1: to do. I'm twenty five years old and my husband

1157
00:55:02,400 --> 00:55:04,640
Speaker 1: is twenty nine, and we've been married for three years,

1158
00:55:04,680 --> 00:55:07,640
Speaker 1: but we've been together for seven. We also have a

1159
00:55:07,719 --> 00:55:09,839
Speaker 1: two and a three year old. I recently found out

1160
00:55:09,840 --> 00:55:13,600
Speaker 1: my husband cheated on me exclamation points is. I found

1161
00:55:13,640 --> 00:55:15,200
Speaker 1: out about it because I went through his I g

1162
00:55:15,760 --> 00:55:18,120
Speaker 1: and I saw a whole conversation. Right when they were

1163
00:55:18,160 --> 00:55:21,200
Speaker 1: planning it, he went to her house told me he

1164
00:55:21,200 --> 00:55:23,200
Speaker 1: would be at a bar with a coworker after work.

1165
00:55:23,640 --> 00:55:26,400
Speaker 1: By the time he told me that, I already knew

1166
00:55:26,400 --> 00:55:28,880
Speaker 1: that he would go to her house. I had her address,

1167
00:55:29,560 --> 00:55:31,440
Speaker 1: and I knew what was about to happen, but I

1168
00:55:31,520 --> 00:55:33,760
Speaker 1: was in so much shock that I froze and didn't

1169
00:55:33,760 --> 00:55:36,200
Speaker 1: know what to do. He now knows that I know

1170
00:55:36,280 --> 00:55:39,440
Speaker 1: everything that happened and hasn't apologized or said anything to

1171
00:55:39,480 --> 00:55:42,839
Speaker 1: make me feel like and hasn't apologized to make me

1172
00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:46,640
Speaker 1: oh sorry, said anything to make me feel better. Sorry.

1173
00:55:47,160 --> 00:55:50,320
Speaker 1: I'm so disappointed and broken about it. I feel stuck

1174
00:55:50,760 --> 00:55:53,920
Speaker 1: because of the family we have, and he's an excellent father.

1175
00:55:54,520 --> 00:55:56,520
Speaker 1: I can't take that away from him, but he's hurt

1176
00:55:56,600 --> 00:55:59,279
Speaker 1: me so bad. I think I need a divorce, but

1177
00:55:59,320 --> 00:56:06,600
Speaker 1: I just don't know. Okay, y, yeah, what do you think, Melissa.

1178
00:56:07,280 --> 00:56:10,040
Speaker 1: That's a tough situation to be in. You know, she

1179
00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:13,440
Speaker 1: said that he's an excellent father. They have two children together,

1180
00:56:13,480 --> 00:56:16,400
Speaker 1: ages two and three. That means their children are close

1181
00:56:16,400 --> 00:56:20,840
Speaker 1: in age and and still fairly young. Yep, um. I

1182
00:56:20,880 --> 00:56:24,440
Speaker 1: think one of the things that she must decide is

1183
00:56:24,600 --> 00:56:27,279
Speaker 1: what does she want, you know? And even that can

1184
00:56:27,360 --> 00:56:29,400
Speaker 1: be writing down on a sheet of paper the pros

1185
00:56:29,400 --> 00:56:31,239
Speaker 1: and the cons of of staying in, the pros and

1186
00:56:31,239 --> 00:56:33,480
Speaker 1: the cons of of leaving, you know, and then just

1187
00:56:33,520 --> 00:56:35,719
Speaker 1: taking some time to look at that, and to not

1188
00:56:35,760 --> 00:56:38,280
Speaker 1: feel the pressure of feeling that she has to rush

1189
00:56:38,360 --> 00:56:41,320
Speaker 1: a decision because it happened, that she has to react

1190
00:56:41,360 --> 00:56:44,319
Speaker 1: immediately to get a divorce or to stay, to be

1191
00:56:44,360 --> 00:56:46,600
Speaker 1: able to take her time. They've been married for three years,

1192
00:56:46,640 --> 00:56:50,080
Speaker 1: together for seven that's not a relationship that one may

1193
00:56:50,120 --> 00:56:52,560
Speaker 1: want to just throw away. And there's no judgment if

1194
00:56:52,600 --> 00:56:54,680
Speaker 1: she decides to leave, and there's no judgment if she

1195
00:56:54,760 --> 00:56:57,520
Speaker 1: decides to stay. But one of the most important pieces

1196
00:56:57,560 --> 00:57:00,279
Speaker 1: is to have a communication, to have a conversation should

1197
00:57:00,320 --> 00:57:03,279
Speaker 1: excuse me with her husband and and find out what

1198
00:57:03,320 --> 00:57:05,720
Speaker 1: his truth is. Is this the relationship that he plans

1199
00:57:05,719 --> 00:57:08,560
Speaker 1: to continue? Is this a trans transgression that he plans

1200
00:57:08,600 --> 00:57:10,840
Speaker 1: to go back to? If he's making a commitment to

1201
00:57:10,880 --> 00:57:12,560
Speaker 1: stay in the marriage and that he's not going to

1202
00:57:12,680 --> 00:57:15,239
Speaker 1: continue to step out, then UM one thing that I

1203
00:57:15,280 --> 00:57:17,640
Speaker 1: recommend for my couples, once we've told our truth and

1204
00:57:17,720 --> 00:57:22,760
Speaker 1: we've told everything, if it's one UM particular transgression. Then

1205
00:57:22,800 --> 00:57:25,240
Speaker 1: I say call that person in front of your significant

1206
00:57:25,280 --> 00:57:27,480
Speaker 1: other and let them know that you no longer want

1207
00:57:27,520 --> 00:57:29,880
Speaker 1: to continue that transgression and that you're making a commitment

1208
00:57:29,920 --> 00:57:32,200
Speaker 1: to stay in your marriage. And that sometimes will tell

1209
00:57:32,240 --> 00:57:33,880
Speaker 1: you what you need to know. If that person is

1210
00:57:33,880 --> 00:57:37,400
Speaker 1: not willing, then let's talk about why you're not willing,

1211
00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:39,200
Speaker 1: you know. But if they are willing, like, yes, I'm

1212
00:57:39,200 --> 00:57:40,960
Speaker 1: willing to fight from my marriage, I will call whoever

1213
00:57:41,000 --> 00:57:42,560
Speaker 1: I need to call and tell them that it's over.

1214
00:57:42,960 --> 00:57:44,480
Speaker 1: Then they will step in and they will be able

1215
00:57:44,520 --> 00:57:48,040
Speaker 1: to do that. Wow, this better than me because she

1216
00:57:48,080 --> 00:57:51,640
Speaker 1: had a whole address that she ain't pull up and

1217
00:57:51,680 --> 00:57:56,200
Speaker 1: be like, hey, would be in my group, chick. We

1218
00:57:56,240 --> 00:58:00,760
Speaker 1: did in a couple of drive byss. You know what's

1219
00:58:00,800 --> 00:58:03,680
Speaker 1: funny listening to this. They're probably in that transitional phase

1220
00:58:03,680 --> 00:58:07,720
Speaker 1: where they got married, had two kids right away, you know,

1221
00:58:07,760 --> 00:58:10,400
Speaker 1: trying to figure out who they are again. And Yeah,

1222
00:58:10,440 --> 00:58:11,760
Speaker 1: what stuck out to me was like the two and

1223
00:58:11,840 --> 00:58:15,080
Speaker 1: three year old in that whole back to that kids

1224
00:58:15,200 --> 00:58:17,600
Speaker 1: can be a beast. We know what that is. That's

1225
00:58:19,200 --> 00:58:21,400
Speaker 1: three and two is. It's literally the same thing. So

1226
00:58:21,480 --> 00:58:25,960
Speaker 1: think about it. Pregnant, well married, pregnant, had a baby, pregnant,

1227
00:58:26,080 --> 00:58:30,440
Speaker 1: had a baby, had infant, the newborn, infant, toddler. So

1228
00:58:30,520 --> 00:58:32,320
Speaker 1: for the past four and a half years they have

1229
00:58:32,440 --> 00:58:34,960
Speaker 1: not been had a lot in the same space they

1230
00:58:34,960 --> 00:58:36,960
Speaker 1: were when they got married. And you're probably trying to

1231
00:58:37,000 --> 00:58:39,920
Speaker 1: navigate together seven years. So that was at least what

1232
00:58:40,120 --> 00:58:43,120
Speaker 1: for three and a half four years before children were involved,

1233
00:58:43,480 --> 00:58:45,800
Speaker 1: and if things were going well till then again, like

1234
00:58:45,840 --> 00:58:51,120
Speaker 1: you said, children come in, there's a transition relationship the process. Um,

1235
00:58:51,160 --> 00:58:53,280
Speaker 1: he you know, he cheated. I don't know if I

1236
00:58:53,320 --> 00:58:55,320
Speaker 1: need a divorce. What do you think when you start

1237
00:58:55,360 --> 00:58:57,800
Speaker 1: asking other people what they think about what you should

1238
00:58:57,800 --> 00:59:00,640
Speaker 1: do right now, you're allowing people to decide what your

1239
00:59:00,640 --> 00:59:02,960
Speaker 1: life is going to She knows what she feels, you

1240
00:59:02,960 --> 00:59:05,240
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. She knows what she feels, do

1241
00:59:05,280 --> 00:59:08,840
Speaker 1: what you feel. It sounds like she's she's looking for

1242
00:59:08,920 --> 00:59:11,680
Speaker 1: permission for whatever that is, and the only person that

1243
00:59:11,720 --> 00:59:14,360
Speaker 1: can give her that permission is because she has to

1244
00:59:14,400 --> 00:59:17,320
Speaker 1: live with whatever that decision is. Absolutely, I always say

1245
00:59:17,520 --> 00:59:19,960
Speaker 1: you can sleep with yourself at night, regardless of what

1246
00:59:20,000 --> 00:59:22,320
Speaker 1: it is. Go for it, all right. So I'll read

1247
00:59:22,360 --> 00:59:25,040
Speaker 1: the second question. A longtime fan and recent listener to

1248
00:59:25,040 --> 00:59:27,520
Speaker 1: your podcast. I am going through a rough breakup with

1249
00:59:27,560 --> 00:59:30,360
Speaker 1: the person I've been with for five years. We were loving,

1250
00:59:30,760 --> 00:59:32,520
Speaker 1: We were loving to one another, but things took a

1251
00:59:32,560 --> 00:59:34,360
Speaker 1: bad term when we tried to make it work in

1252
00:59:34,400 --> 00:59:36,640
Speaker 1: the last few months but couldn't make it work. We

1253
00:59:36,680 --> 00:59:39,000
Speaker 1: are friends now and giving each other space. We kind

1254
00:59:39,040 --> 00:59:41,040
Speaker 1: of still want to be win each other back, but

1255
00:59:41,080 --> 00:59:43,480
Speaker 1: we just don't want to mess things up. What is

1256
00:59:43,480 --> 00:59:46,480
Speaker 1: the best solution for the situation I am in with her?

1257
00:59:47,080 --> 00:59:49,280
Speaker 1: Should I cut off all contact with her permanently or

1258
00:59:49,360 --> 00:59:51,720
Speaker 1: just wait it out and work on getting back to

1259
00:59:51,800 --> 01:00:00,520
Speaker 1: me in that break though period. To the young man

1260
01:00:00,520 --> 01:00:01,880
Speaker 1: who wrote this, because we don't get a lot of

1261
01:00:01,880 --> 01:00:03,880
Speaker 1: guys who right in, but they're in that break period,

1262
01:00:03,880 --> 01:00:06,360
Speaker 1: he talked about the break before break up before they

1263
01:00:06,360 --> 01:00:08,840
Speaker 1: get back. Yeah, the prelude, the prelude to the break

1264
01:00:08,920 --> 01:00:12,040
Speaker 1: up break. That's what this is. This is what I

1265
01:00:12,080 --> 01:00:15,479
Speaker 1: think they want a break right now. And he's still

1266
01:00:15,480 --> 01:00:18,000
Speaker 1: thinking about her enough to listen to dead as podcast

1267
01:00:18,120 --> 01:00:20,880
Speaker 1: and write in. That means he misses hers and he

1268
01:00:21,000 --> 01:00:24,560
Speaker 1: probably wants a relationship, So I would say work towards it. Yeah,

1269
01:00:24,920 --> 01:00:27,040
Speaker 1: if you care this much to write in and try

1270
01:00:27,040 --> 01:00:28,920
Speaker 1: to seek advice that means that's something in your heart

1271
01:00:28,960 --> 01:00:33,440
Speaker 1: is saying this person matters to work towards it. Yeah, well,

1272
01:00:33,480 --> 01:00:35,640
Speaker 1: what about what he said Melissa where he says that

1273
01:00:35,640 --> 01:00:38,200
Speaker 1: he just doesn't want to mess things up. Do you

1274
01:00:38,240 --> 01:00:40,720
Speaker 1: feel like maybe they'd be better off as friends or

1275
01:00:40,840 --> 01:00:43,080
Speaker 1: how what are you getting from that when he talks

1276
01:00:43,120 --> 01:00:45,040
Speaker 1: about like wanting to be together but not wanting to

1277
01:00:45,040 --> 01:00:48,240
Speaker 1: mess things up because they're good now that they're a break, well,

1278
01:00:48,280 --> 01:00:50,520
Speaker 1: it sounds to me that that he cares about her

1279
01:00:50,560 --> 01:00:53,080
Speaker 1: no matter what. Rather it's you know, they're together or

1280
01:00:53,120 --> 01:00:55,240
Speaker 1: they're not together, and that she is someone who brings

1281
01:00:55,320 --> 01:00:57,480
Speaker 1: value to his life and that he wants her to

1282
01:00:57,560 --> 01:00:59,120
Speaker 1: be a part of his life, either it's in a

1283
01:00:59,160 --> 01:01:02,240
Speaker 1: relationship or as friends. And one thing that we talked

1284
01:01:02,280 --> 01:01:05,120
Speaker 1: about earlier is that friendship is so important. So if

1285
01:01:05,120 --> 01:01:07,400
Speaker 1: there is value in their friendship and that friendship can

1286
01:01:07,440 --> 01:01:10,280
Speaker 1: be the foundation of something more than, then go for

1287
01:01:10,360 --> 01:01:14,560
Speaker 1: it if that's where your heart is. Good great advice today, man,

1288
01:01:14,640 --> 01:01:17,880
Speaker 1: for sure, And I mean we try to parde ourselves

1289
01:01:17,880 --> 01:01:24,480
Speaker 1: on giving our you know, we had reinforcements today with

1290
01:01:24,560 --> 01:01:28,200
Speaker 1: miss Melissa. Thank you And if you want to be

1291
01:01:28,240 --> 01:01:31,240
Speaker 1: featured as one of our listener letters. Email us at

1292
01:01:31,440 --> 01:01:35,480
Speaker 1: dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. And before we

1293
01:01:35,600 --> 01:01:37,640
Speaker 1: let you go, Melissa, we're at the very end, we're

1294
01:01:37,640 --> 01:01:39,840
Speaker 1: winding down. Um. We normally do a moment of truth

1295
01:01:39,960 --> 01:01:43,160
Speaker 1: at the end of every episode. So after unpacking so

1296
01:01:43,200 --> 01:01:45,440
Speaker 1: many things today and learning so many things from you

1297
01:01:45,560 --> 01:01:48,800
Speaker 1: as well, we normally like to just kind of recap

1298
01:01:48,800 --> 01:01:51,520
Speaker 1: and like a sentence or to what your takeaway was. So,

1299
01:01:51,560 --> 01:01:54,200
Speaker 1: what's your moment of truth? Pay easy, I wrote it down.

1300
01:01:55,240 --> 01:01:59,320
Speaker 1: If your partners truth, yes, I always take notes. If

1301
01:01:59,360 --> 01:02:01,960
Speaker 1: your partner's truth is in line with your piece, you

1302
01:02:02,080 --> 01:02:06,400
Speaker 1: found a solution, Melissa Thomas, I I do, excuse me,

1303
01:02:06,760 --> 01:02:08,640
Speaker 1: I believe that to be the moment of truth. Man,

1304
01:02:08,840 --> 01:02:15,439
Speaker 1: let everybody your relationship as a whole. Quote, you learned

1305
01:02:15,480 --> 01:02:19,520
Speaker 1: something from me back in college days. Yea, So now

1306
01:02:19,640 --> 01:02:23,840
Speaker 1: he's the one, Yeah, exactly wanted to sit next to

1307
01:02:23,880 --> 01:02:25,040
Speaker 1: me and whatnot. I'll give you. I'll give you a

1308
01:02:25,080 --> 01:02:28,120
Speaker 1: little credit. But no, that's a that's a great that's

1309
01:02:28,120 --> 01:02:30,200
Speaker 1: a great one, which is funny because it kind of

1310
01:02:30,400 --> 01:02:32,240
Speaker 1: spirals into what I was gonna say, and it was

1311
01:02:32,280 --> 01:02:35,800
Speaker 1: just like my thing was like, nobody knows you more

1312
01:02:35,840 --> 01:02:39,400
Speaker 1: than you. Nobody was your partner more than you do.

1313
01:02:39,480 --> 01:02:43,320
Speaker 1: For the most part, we would hope so outside noise,

1314
01:02:43,840 --> 01:02:46,520
Speaker 1: other opinions from just random people who may not even

1315
01:02:46,560 --> 01:02:49,560
Speaker 1: be invested. If you were to do that, speak to

1316
01:02:49,560 --> 01:02:52,920
Speaker 1: a therapist. I personally haven't been to a therapist yet.

1317
01:02:52,920 --> 01:02:55,200
Speaker 1: De Val has been just a pet therapist for himself

1318
01:02:55,280 --> 01:02:57,840
Speaker 1: because like your was it your site or your book

1319
01:02:57,880 --> 01:03:00,080
Speaker 1: you you help you, that's my site. That's just that

1320
01:03:00,240 --> 01:03:03,120
Speaker 1: you help you. So sometimes it requires you to do

1321
01:03:03,200 --> 01:03:05,960
Speaker 1: the internal absolutely check in first to make sure that

1322
01:03:06,000 --> 01:03:09,680
Speaker 1: you're good, and then being that person being able to

1323
01:03:09,760 --> 01:03:12,440
Speaker 1: offer that to someone else. UM. So I think that's

1324
01:03:12,560 --> 01:03:15,240
Speaker 1: very important. Um Any parting words or moment of truth

1325
01:03:15,280 --> 01:03:17,320
Speaker 1: that you want to leave our listeners with, yes, I

1326
01:03:17,360 --> 01:03:20,520
Speaker 1: would encourage you all to uh to live your truth,

1327
01:03:20,640 --> 01:03:23,520
Speaker 1: whatever that is, whatever it is that you want for yourself.

1328
01:03:23,560 --> 01:03:26,080
Speaker 1: It's your relationship, your rules. You get to decide what

1329
01:03:26,160 --> 01:03:29,120
Speaker 1: that looks like. And I think there's so much beauty

1330
01:03:29,120 --> 01:03:31,120
Speaker 1: in that, and there's so much power in that knowing

1331
01:03:31,160 --> 01:03:33,320
Speaker 1: that you can say yes to this or no to that,

1332
01:03:33,640 --> 01:03:37,400
Speaker 1: and to always keep the communication lines open between whoever

1333
01:03:37,440 --> 01:03:39,760
Speaker 1: it is that you're dating or inter marriage with, because

1334
01:03:39,760 --> 01:03:43,400
Speaker 1: that's so important. You know, we always feel we we resent,

1335
01:03:43,600 --> 01:03:45,520
Speaker 1: you know, we resentment starts to build when we take

1336
01:03:45,560 --> 01:03:48,560
Speaker 1: away the choice from somebody else. So leave your spouse

1337
01:03:48,640 --> 01:03:51,200
Speaker 1: or your significant other with the choice, and you communicate

1338
01:03:51,240 --> 01:03:53,600
Speaker 1: your choice with that person as well. So keep the

1339
01:03:53,640 --> 01:03:56,880
Speaker 1: lines of communication open always. Can you tell us where

1340
01:03:56,920 --> 01:04:01,440
Speaker 1: to find you? Tell everyone they can find. Absolutely so.

1341
01:04:01,640 --> 01:04:04,360
Speaker 1: My private practice is you help you, and that is

1342
01:04:04,440 --> 01:04:06,920
Speaker 1: the letter you, the word help and then the word

1343
01:04:07,160 --> 01:04:10,040
Speaker 1: y O you and um that can be. That's my

1344
01:04:10,120 --> 01:04:12,040
Speaker 1: website and it can also be found on all social

1345
01:04:12,080 --> 01:04:17,000
Speaker 1: media outlets. My um my i G is glad Tidings

1346
01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:19,560
Speaker 1: by Mail, which means sharing the good news, and that's

1347
01:04:19,560 --> 01:04:22,439
Speaker 1: where I just share daily tips about how to take

1348
01:04:22,480 --> 01:04:25,200
Speaker 1: better care of yourself. I'm a huge advocate of self care.

1349
01:04:25,640 --> 01:04:28,480
Speaker 1: You can also find my book called The Love Challenge,

1350
01:04:28,520 --> 01:04:30,920
Speaker 1: Thirty Days thirty Ways to increase the love in your relationship.

1351
01:04:31,160 --> 01:04:33,480
Speaker 1: It's available on Barnes and Nobles and Amazon, and I

1352
01:04:33,480 --> 01:04:38,920
Speaker 1: brought a copy for you to today. Happy anniversary. Absolutely so.

1353
01:04:39,000 --> 01:04:41,960
Speaker 1: You can find me on all social media outlets I G, Twitter,

1354
01:04:42,560 --> 01:04:44,960
Speaker 1: um and Facebook as well. Thank you so much for

1355
01:04:45,000 --> 01:04:49,040
Speaker 1: having me, guys, it was a pleasure to be here.

1356
01:04:49,760 --> 01:04:52,000
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. We have to get that business card.

1357
01:04:52,040 --> 01:04:54,640
Speaker 1: Thank you for joining us today. We're really absolutely and

1358
01:04:54,680 --> 01:04:56,800
Speaker 1: I think that there will be a lot of takeaways

1359
01:04:56,800 --> 01:04:59,200
Speaker 1: from this. Absolutely. I'm anxious to hear what the listeners

1360
01:04:59,240 --> 01:05:01,320
Speaker 1: have to say about today this episode, particularly because we

1361
01:05:01,360 --> 01:05:04,360
Speaker 1: get so many questions about it. So thank you so much.

1362
01:05:04,520 --> 01:05:08,080
Speaker 1: Be sure to follow us on social media. Um I'm Cadet,

1363
01:05:08,240 --> 01:05:11,240
Speaker 1: I am and that's I am devout and subscribe to

1364
01:05:11,240 --> 01:05:14,440
Speaker 1: dead Ass on Stitcher, Spotify or Apple podcast And if

1365
01:05:14,440 --> 01:05:17,280
Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate and

1366
01:05:17,320 --> 01:05:24,360
Speaker 1: review and tell a friends subscribe dead As dead Ass

1367
01:05:24,440 --> 01:05:27,400
Speaker 1: is a production of Stitcher. We are produced by Jackie

1368
01:05:27,480 --> 01:05:31,280
Speaker 1: Soljico and Dinor Opinion. Our executive producer t Square. Our

1369
01:05:31,320 --> 01:05:35,240
Speaker 1: associate producers are Triple and Kristin Torres. Our Chief content

1370
01:05:35,320 --> 01:05:39,000
Speaker 1: Officer is Chris Bannon, our studio engineer and original music

1371
01:05:39,080 --> 01:05:41,640
Speaker 1: is by Brendan Burns and last but not least, we

1372
01:05:41,680 --> 01:05:50,840
Speaker 1: are mixed by Andy Kristen's Well Back, I'm Drew McCarry

1373
01:05:50,960 --> 01:05:52,720
Speaker 1: and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on

1374
01:05:53,160 --> 01:05:55,680
Speaker 1: right now as part of the Stitching network called Substraction

1375
01:05:55,920 --> 01:06:00,600
Speaker 1: that's available everywhere. Get a podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple Go.

1376
01:06:00,800 --> 01:06:03,040
Speaker 1: Listen right now to the distraction, right now, it's out.

1377
01:06:03,240 --> 01:06:04,400
Speaker 1: Do it, please, M