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Speaker 1: As we enter this season of gratitude, we're reminded it

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Speaker 1: can take many forms, in the people who lift us up,

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Speaker 1: in the communities that shape us, and even in the

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Speaker 1: challenges that make us who we are. This week's episode

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Speaker 1: of My Legacy, we're reflecting back on voices who've lived

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Speaker 1: that truth, from Gabby Bernstein's journey of transformation and Sarah

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Speaker 1: Jakes Roberts finding grace and growth, to Simon Sinek on

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Speaker 1: the power of connection, and Sophia Bush drawing strength from community,

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Speaker 1: to Ja Shetty and Roddy dev Lukia on true partnership.

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Speaker 1: May their stories inspire you to look around and give

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Speaker 1: thanks for the journey and everyone who's part of it.

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Speaker 2: Let's jump in.

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Speaker 3: Gabby, you have gone through a remarkable transformation, and your

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Speaker 3: transformational journey is nothing short to profound. Can you take

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Speaker 3: us back to that time and help our listeners and

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Speaker 3: our viewers understand what that transformation was like? Because in

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Speaker 3: your memoir you were raw and you were vulnerable, and

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Speaker 3: you spoke about drug addiction and I'll call addiction. You

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Speaker 3: spoke about eating disorders, you spoke about self loathing. What

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Speaker 3: was that moment of like hitting that rock bottom that

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Speaker 3: made you change your perspective as saying, I need to

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Speaker 3: have a different life. Can you take us back to

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Speaker 3: that moment.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, And it's actually a very timely conversation because we're

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Speaker 4: entering into the fall and I'm coming up on twenty

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Speaker 4: years of sobriety in October.

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Speaker 5: Yes.

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Speaker 4: Yes, And that commitment to get clean and sober was

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Speaker 4: not just a commitment to a life of sobriety, but

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Speaker 4: it was a commitment to a spiritual life. It was

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Speaker 4: a commitment to becoming a teacher, to stepping into a

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Speaker 4: higher purpose that I chose the day October second of

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Speaker 4: two thousand and five when I made the choice to

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Speaker 4: get clean and sober, I not only chose a life

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Speaker 4: of sobriety, but I chose a life of service. That

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Speaker 4: choice was always in front of me. So there was

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Speaker 4: a period in my life when I was really struggling

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Speaker 4: towards the end of my addiction, and I went and

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Speaker 4: I got a psychic greeting with someone that my mom

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Speaker 4: referred me to, and the psychic kept saying to me

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Speaker 4: over and over, you're struggling with addiction. And I would

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Speaker 4: listen to this cassette tape back over and over listening

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Speaker 4: to her voice, it might beat up Toyota Corolla. And

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Speaker 4: I'd be doing the alternate side of the street parking

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Speaker 4: in New York City and I'd listen to this cassette

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Speaker 4: tape over and over while I waited for the parking

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Speaker 4: to change over, and I remember hearing her voice saying,

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Speaker 4: you're struggling with addiction, and my voice quivering on the

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Speaker 4: other end, saying, well, it's not that bad. And then

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Speaker 4: she went on and she said, well, you have two

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Speaker 4: choices in this lifetime. You can stay on the path

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Speaker 4: that you're on and it will be very difficult, or

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Speaker 4: you can get clean and make a major impact on

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Speaker 4: the world. And I just remember listening to that over

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Speaker 4: and over and over and being in such a precipice

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Speaker 4: of making that choice. And I could have gone either way.

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Speaker 4: And I know that my soul, when I signed up

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Speaker 4: to come to this world at this time, in this way,

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Speaker 4: my soul made that choice that my soul said, I'm

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Speaker 4: going to go through this journey of trauma and addiction

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Speaker 4: and discomfort so that I can resurrect myself in this

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Speaker 4: lifetime and live to tell what it means to transcend

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Speaker 4: those fear based worldly experiences and live in that light

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Speaker 4: and that magnitude, and so I can reflect back now

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Speaker 4: twenty years and just with so much joy and gratitude

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Speaker 4: for the commitment and the choice that I made to

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Speaker 4: get clean and sober, but most importantly for the commitment

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Speaker 4: and the choice that I've made every single day since

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Speaker 4: to one day at a time just keep surrendering to

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Speaker 4: a higher power, surrendering to a spiritual practice, surrendering to

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Speaker 4: a therapeutic journey, so that I could just keep shining

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Speaker 4: the crystal and get to the place that I'm met

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Speaker 4: now today, where I feel very free, and I feel

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Speaker 4: very clear, and I feel very aligned and the most

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Speaker 4: ready that I've ever felt before to actually do the

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Speaker 4: serface work that I'm really here to do.

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Speaker 3: Wow, Gabya, that first of all blown away. Collectively, we're

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Speaker 3: all blown away sitting here, lots of nods, lots of energy,

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Speaker 3: lots of love to you. But I understand October second,

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Speaker 3: two thousand and five was that date. But take us

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Speaker 3: back to October first, two thousand and five. What did

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Speaker 3: you say to yourself, yes, the day before, to say

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Speaker 3: I need to change because our listeners are viewers may

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Speaker 3: be stuck on the other side of the road waiting

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Speaker 3: for parking to change, listening to their version of the

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Speaker 3: cassette and what came through to you to talk to

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Speaker 3: your soul.

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Speaker 4: Now, at the time, I had a spiritual awareness. I

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Speaker 4: was brought up very spiritual, and I had awareness of spirituality,

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Speaker 4: but I'd really turned my back on it in my

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Speaker 4: days of my addiction. And so that day when I

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Speaker 4: was coming down from the drugs and the alcohol from

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Speaker 4: the night before, and I'm sitting on my knees in

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Speaker 4: my dirty, my dirty studio apartment in the West Village,

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Speaker 4: and I'm on my knees and I said a prayer.

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Speaker 4: But at the time I didn't know who I was

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Speaker 4: talking to. And I said, God, Universe, whoever's out there,

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Speaker 4: I need a miracle. And I heard a inner voice,

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Speaker 4: a voice speaking to me through me, say get clean

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Speaker 4: and you will live a life beyond your wildest dreams.

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Speaker 4: And that voice was so undeniable that I made the

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Speaker 4: choice that day to get my butt out the door,

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Speaker 4: walked into a twelve step room, sat amongst strangers who

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Speaker 4: felt like brothers and sisters because we were all there

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Speaker 4: for the same reason. Very different archetypes in one room

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Speaker 4: all with the same intention, and I knew I'd found

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Speaker 4: my home, and I knew I'd found my path. That

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Speaker 4: inner voice, that voice of wisdom, that voice of spiritual

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Speaker 4: console connection, is a voice that I rely on. It's

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Speaker 4: a voice that I've developed as a medium. It's a

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Speaker 4: voice that I attuned to and that I listened to

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Speaker 4: and I allow guide my life to this day. But

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Speaker 4: that was a real spiritual intervention that came through for

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Speaker 4: me to put me on the right truck.

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Speaker 6: Sarah, Now I'm going to turn to your husband, because

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Speaker 6: you've said in the past that toxic relationships used to

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Speaker 6: be your drug of choice. I want to know what

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Speaker 6: helped you finally break that pattern.

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Speaker 7: I think what really helped me was really realizing that

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Speaker 7: the toxic relationship wasn't with the other person, it was

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Speaker 7: with myself. Like I think that part of the reason

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Speaker 7: why I was so drawn to people who I felt

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Speaker 7: like I could save or make better, or who could

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Speaker 7: add it worth or value to me if they were

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Speaker 7: able to be loyal and significant, significantly present in my life,

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Speaker 7: was because I felt so devalued myself.

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Speaker 8: I was so insecure myself.

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Speaker 7: I was so frustrated with who I was that that

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Speaker 7: person became a distraction and a trophy that would make

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Speaker 7: me feel better if ever they would just get it together,

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Speaker 7: and so I made the pursuit of them my focus

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Speaker 7: instead of really trying to figure out who I was.

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Speaker 7: And there was really one thought that really changed my life.

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Speaker 7: But it was after we got into a really bad

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Speaker 7: argument and the police were called, so maybe more than

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Speaker 7: an argument, and I had to go to CPS to

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Speaker 7: just tell them, like, hey, the kids are okay, you

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Speaker 7: guys can continue to check in on me because the

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Speaker 7: police had been involved, and I was walking out of

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Speaker 7: that CPS office and I just said, I can do

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Speaker 7: better than this.

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Speaker 8: I can do better than this.

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Speaker 7: And it wasn't like I thought, I'm going to be

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Speaker 7: a New York Times bestselling author and I'm gonna host

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Speaker 7: an event with forty thousand people. I meant, I can

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Speaker 7: avoid going to CPS offices, I can avoid getting so

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Speaker 7: angry that the police are called on me. I can

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Speaker 7: do better than this. And I just did what was

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Speaker 7: a little bit better than that, and then I would

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Speaker 7: get on that level and I would think I could

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Speaker 7: probably do a little bit better than this.

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Speaker 8: I moved back.

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Speaker 7: Home with my parents and I had the kids, and

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Speaker 7: I thought, well, if I could just get my own place,

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Speaker 7: and better and better and better just became my pursuit.

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Speaker 7: Not better for the pursuit of moments like this, but

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Speaker 7: just better, because I just felt like anything is better

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Speaker 7: than this, you know, anything is better than this, And

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Speaker 7: if to not pursue better is to move backwards, and

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Speaker 7: I was moving backwards quickly. And I think that that's

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Speaker 7: what we have to understand in these toxic relationships, whether

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Speaker 7: it's with ourselves or with other people. Cause you canna

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Speaker 7: have a toxic relationship with yourself that makes you just

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Speaker 7: get degree after dr degree after degree because you think

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Speaker 7: that's gonna make you feel better. A toxic relationship that

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Speaker 7: makes you achieve and pour yourself out every Anyone who's

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Speaker 7: dealing with some type of trauma that is unresolved may

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Speaker 7: have a toxic relationship somewhere, but better. It's just I

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Speaker 7: think I can experience better health than where I currently am,

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Speaker 7: and I'm really grateful for who I am now on

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Speaker 7: the inside. Like I I've had all of these different

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Speaker 7: things happen to me. I have not changed my bio

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Speaker 7: on Instagram. My bio is the same bio that I

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Speaker 7: ever had because like I, you know, the books are nice,

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Speaker 7: the things are nice, but like, if that ever becomes

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Speaker 7: my bio for me, it just feels like I miss

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Speaker 7: something because I'm so proud of the girl who like

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Speaker 7: finally figured out who Jesus is, who loves her husband,

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Speaker 7: whose children are her teacher.

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Speaker 8: Like, I'm so proud of who she is.

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Speaker 7: That That's what I want you to know about me

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Speaker 7: more than all of these things I achieved, because that's

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Speaker 7: what I fought for and that's what I thought was

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Speaker 7: never possible.

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Speaker 8: The other things are, they're just carries on top.

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Speaker 3: We love it if you could share this episode with

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Speaker 3: someone who you admire, someone who shows up for you,

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Speaker 3: who cares about you, who lives their legacy every day.

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Speaker 3: We'll be back in a moment.

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Speaker 6: Now, back to my legacy.

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Speaker 9: The last time we spent meaningful time together, we were

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Speaker 9: in a far off corner of the world, and we

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Speaker 9: were reflecting on the McMansions, the gated communities, the closed doors,

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Speaker 9: and how in North America people seem to strive to

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Speaker 9: work so hard to earn enough money to pull themselves

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Speaker 9: away from everyone else. They want to be on the

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Speaker 9: private plane, they want to be on the McMansion. They

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Speaker 9: want to be in the gated community, and the irony

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Speaker 9: is that they are shutting themselves off from others. And

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Speaker 9: so when I look at our time in Kenya, I

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Speaker 9: was reflected by the fact that you said one of

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Speaker 9: the most inspirational people you ever met was Mama Jane.

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Speaker 2: So one of the things that is for anybody who

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Speaker 2: comes from the West when you go to Africa, especially

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Speaker 2: when you go to rural Africa, which is where we were,

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Speaker 2: where there is real poverty, like the tropes of the

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Speaker 2: mud huts yep that live in mud huts. Yeah, that

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Speaker 2: we have this assumption that because they have less in

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Speaker 2: terms of money or material wealth, that they are unhappy.

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Speaker 2: And yet you meet people who are in these circumstances

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Speaker 2: who don't die of heart disease, they don't get as

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Speaker 2: many cancers as we do, they don't have to diabetes,

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Speaker 2: and they're smiling all the time. Now, let's not confuse

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Speaker 2: feeling wealthy and happy with struggle. They absolutely struggle. Their

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Speaker 2: lives are absolutely difficult, and they are with each other

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Speaker 2: and help each other. And the lesson that I learned

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Speaker 2: from that trip is we are so arrogant in our

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Speaker 2: wealth that we just assume that people who don't have

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Speaker 2: our wealth must be unhappy, which is the same mentality

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Speaker 2: as a heroin addict feeling unhappy for all the people

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Speaker 2: who don't do heroin because they don't have hour high. Ah,

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Speaker 2: all you people who are sober, you don't feel how

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Speaker 2: good I feel, completely neglecting the fact that we're addicts.

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Speaker 2: We are addicted to money and they are not. And

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Speaker 2: yes they have struggle, and yes they have needs, and

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Speaker 2: yes we want to help them and they should be helped,

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Speaker 2: and they're learning how to help themselves. But they are happier.

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Speaker 2: And you look at the kids too, and there's data

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Speaker 2: on this. There's data that shows that kids who have

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Speaker 2: fewer toys have better imaginations and actually have more excitement.

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Speaker 2: So like, again, we go from the West and we

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Speaker 2: go to Africa and we see the kids playing with

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Speaker 2: a stick and attire and we're like, oh, poor kids,

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Speaker 2: they only have a stick and attire. And yet they're

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Speaker 2: laughing and they're smiling and they're giggling the whole time.

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Speaker 2: You know why, because they have an imagination that is

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Speaker 2: not a stick and attire, that is something that is

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Speaker 2: a game they're playing in their minds, and I came

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Speaker 2: back from that trip realizing that I'm an addict like

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Speaker 2: everybody who lives in the West, and I would rather

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Speaker 2: foster a relationship and relationships like theirs, and again the

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Speaker 2: ability to separate struggle from happiness. They're not the same thing.

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Speaker 2: And Mama Jane is this self appointed community leader because

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Speaker 2: she decided she wanted a house that wasn't a mud hut.

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Speaker 2: She wanted a brick house, which is expensive, and she

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Speaker 2: figured out a way to sell the milk from her

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Speaker 2: cows that she would walk out hours to go to

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Speaker 2: the center of the city to sell her milk, and

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Speaker 2: over the course of time, she saved up enough money.

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Speaker 2: She goes into the village. She goes into the center

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Speaker 2: of town, finds a builder and says, I want to

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Speaker 2: build a house. She says, this is the money I have.

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Speaker 2: He goes, well, that won't build your house. That'll build

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Speaker 2: you a couple of walls. She goes, well, let's start there.

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Speaker 2: And she eventually saves up enough money and works hard enough,

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Speaker 2: and she builds a house, a house that she invited

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Speaker 2: us into and is immensely proud of. And she helped

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Speaker 2: the other mamas, the other women, the other mothers in

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Speaker 2: the area, to teach them how to also save up

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Speaker 2: and also build their own houses. And the part that

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Speaker 2: really got me was the joy that she had, the

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Speaker 2: smile on her face, the expression of absolute pride when

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Speaker 2: describing one of her friends or one of the people

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Speaker 2: in her community who built a better house than hers. Now,

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Speaker 2: we don't do that in the West. We want our

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Speaker 2: house to be the biggest, We want our house to

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Speaker 2: be the best we want. You know, what did Teddy

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Speaker 2: Roosevelt say? You know, comparison is the thief of joy.

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Speaker 2: And I love that he used the word thief. It

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Speaker 2: steals a feeling for me. That's why he was like,

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Speaker 2: comparison is the thief of joy. And we live a world.

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Speaker 2: We live a world where we watch social media, where

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Speaker 2: everybody's friends are prettier, everybody's vacations are better, everybody's life

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Speaker 2: is more complete, everybody's achieving their financial goals, everybody's in shape,

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Speaker 2: everybody's going out to great meals. I can know because

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Speaker 2: they keep taking pictures of their food. And we sit

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Speaker 2: at home by ourselves, scrolling thinking, I hate my life.

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Speaker 2: And the thing that I found so amazing about these

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Speaker 2: magical human beings. Is also when we went to one

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Speaker 2: of the schools and we met. We went to a

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Speaker 2: girls school of high school, as you know, because you

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Speaker 2: took me there. And they have cell phones, they have Instagram,

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Speaker 2: they have social media, they have access to the internet.

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Speaker 2: They are not addicted. They spent a life fostering relationship

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Speaker 2: and they're just not addicted because they have real friends.

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Speaker 2: And it reminds me of an experiment. You know. Most

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Speaker 2: of our understanding of addiction comes from some experiments that

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Speaker 2: were done in the fifties and sixties where they put

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Speaker 2: a rat in a cage and they gave it two

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Speaker 2: flasks of water, one just plain water and one that's

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Speaker 2: laced with drugs. It tries both of them, it likes

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Speaker 2: the drug laced one. It eventually gets addicted and drinks

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Speaker 2: so much of the drug laced water until it dies. Okay,

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Speaker 2: And most of our understanding of addiction comes from these experiments,

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Speaker 2: except the experiment is flawed. A guy Bey, the them

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Speaker 2: of Bruce Alexander recognizes that rats, like human beings, are

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Speaker 2: social animals, and if you put a social animal by

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Speaker 2: itself in a cage with drugs, it's going to get

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Speaker 2: addicted to the drugs. So he recreated the experiment, except

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Speaker 2: he made it more realistic. He called it rat Park.

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Speaker 2: He put a huge cage with lots of rats and

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Speaker 2: mazes and wheels, and they are having babies and community

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Speaker 2: and friends, the whole deal. And they put up two

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Speaker 2: flasks of water, one plane, one drug lace. They all

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Speaker 2: tried both. They all tried enough of the drug lace

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Speaker 2: one to get addicted, except they didn't. They can see

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Speaker 2: from the data that they drank the plane water. So

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Speaker 2: it starts to give evidence that if we have a

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Speaker 2: strong set of community, and if we have close relationships,

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Speaker 2: we become less susceptible to all addiction. And so, yes,

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Speaker 2: social media is insidious. Yes, the social media companies actually

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Speaker 2: absolutely bear some responsibility and they can't do buyer beware.

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Speaker 2: That's nonsense. That's like giving somebody you know a phentanyl

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Speaker 2: and saying, well, not our problem. No no, no, no.

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Speaker 5: No.

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Speaker 2: Buyer beware is you don't get You don't get a

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Speaker 2: free pass. If you don't like it, turn it off.

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Speaker 2: That doesn't it's not how addiction works. But if you

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Speaker 2: take lonely people and you give them an addictive thing,

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Speaker 2: they're more likely to get addicted. These kids in this

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Speaker 2: high school in Kenya, because they had such close friendships

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Speaker 2: and they were taught how to be friends, and they

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Speaker 2: help each other because they had to. Just aren't addicted

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Speaker 2: to the same addictive things that we are. And so

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Speaker 2: it it becomes I think we have a lot more

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Speaker 2: to learn from rural Kenyons than we can teach them.

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Speaker 2: I think we are so arrogant to think that they

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Speaker 2: should learn our way of life. I think we should

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Speaker 2: learn theirs. Yeah, I came away pretty humbled, Sophia.

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Speaker 6: Now I want to turn to a deeply personal essay

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Speaker 6: that you wrote in Glamour last April about your coming

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Speaker 6: out journey, and I want to read something that you

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Speaker 6: wrote because I thought that it was just so, so

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Speaker 6: very powerful. So I want to quote your exact words,

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Speaker 6: which is I finally feel like I can breathe. I

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Speaker 6: don't think. I don't think I can explain how profound

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Speaker 6: that is. I feel like I was wearing a weighted

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Speaker 6: vest for who knows how long I hadn't realized how

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Speaker 6: heavy it was until I finally just put it down.

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Speaker 6: That kind of clarity doesn't usually come without heartbreak. So

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Speaker 6: what was the turning point for.

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Speaker 10: You if I may. You know, it's interesting how bite

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Speaker 10: sized the world wants to make your life or your

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Speaker 10: experiences when you are a public person. And I understand

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Speaker 10: why the totality of a life, you know, someone's journey

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Speaker 10: is it's not clickbait material and so you won't expect this.

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Speaker 10: But the reason this really relates back to Nia and

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Speaker 10: our friendship is because there was so much public fascination

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Speaker 10: about well, what is she? How does she identify?

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Speaker 11: Is?

351
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Speaker 10: Explain? Explain? Explain, and they wanted to make it about

352
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:06,600
Speaker 10: this coming out, you know, and part of me and

353
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Speaker 10: part of me were like, has nobody been paying attention

354
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Speaker 10: to like anything I've ever said since I've been on

355
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Speaker 10: TV or all the people I've kissed since I've been

356
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Speaker 10: on TV? Like what are we doing? So there was

357
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:19,840
Speaker 10: humor in it, certainly there there was absolutely given again

358
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Speaker 10: this rising fear mongering. There was a real importance I

359
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,879
Speaker 10: understood for saying the words and saying them in a

360
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Speaker 10: way where they could be both hopefully inspiring or freeing

361
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Speaker 10: to someone else, but also to say all of us

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00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:40,560
Speaker 10: deserve to take up space and deserve to have a

363
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:45,679
Speaker 10: full spectrum of rights. But the thing that people didn't

364
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:51,240
Speaker 10: see behind the scenes was the journey to get there.

365
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:55,159
Speaker 10: And the vest wasn't just about identity. The vest was

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Speaker 10: about society. The vest was about the expectation on women,

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Speaker 10: the exhausting demand to be small, but not so small,

368
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:10,080
Speaker 10: to no matter what you do, you have a career.

369
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Speaker 10: How dare you not have kids? You have kids? How

370
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:16,200
Speaker 10: dare you not have a career? You wait to consider

371
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:20,119
Speaker 10: getting married, You're a crone. You got married young. You

372
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:21,520
Speaker 10: must have been dumb and you didn't know what you

373
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Speaker 10: were doing. It's just we can't quite get it right.

374
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Speaker 10: And what I had to come to terms with was

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Speaker 10: that I'd carried certain traumas rather than push them back

376
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Speaker 10: on the people who'd given them to me, I'd tried

377
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Speaker 10: to make everybody happy. I'd lost my individual way, maybe

378
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:47,320
Speaker 10: in a way because I'd prioritized community so much that

379
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,359
Speaker 10: I finally said, well, I guess it's time, And I

380
00:20:50,359 --> 00:20:52,560
Speaker 10: guess it's time I do the thing everybody tells me

381
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Speaker 10: to do, and I'll make the list and check the boxes.

382
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Speaker 10: And everybody says, once you've done it, you'll be happy.

383
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Speaker 10: And I checked all the boxes and I really wasn't happy,

384
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Speaker 10: and I didn't know how to say that to anyone

385
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:14,600
Speaker 10: but Nia, and I didn't know how to say when

386
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Speaker 10: people said, well, why did you get married and why

387
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Speaker 10: did you do this? I didn't know I would go

388
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:22,760
Speaker 10: through the next step, the family building stuff by myself.

389
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,919
Speaker 10: I didn't know until it happened to me. And I

390
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:27,600
Speaker 10: didn't know how to say that. I didn't know how

391
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Speaker 10: to deal with the shame and the kind of embarrassment

392
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Speaker 10: that I'd been wrong and that I'd been wrong really publicly.

393
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Speaker 10: And I called my best friend and she if I may,

394
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Speaker 10: I'm just making sure I'm allowed to say the thing,

395
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:48,119
Speaker 10: but she said me too, And we both knew what

396
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,119
Speaker 10: was going on, obviously with each other. We talk one

397
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,240
Speaker 10: hundred times a day. But when I said I think

398
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,560
Speaker 10: I have to be done and in her own life

399
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:58,160
Speaker 10: and in her own world with her own young son,

400
00:21:58,320 --> 00:21:59,680
Speaker 10: she said, I do too.

401
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:04,080
Speaker 8: I can't.

402
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:06,720
Speaker 10: I would never wish for someone else to be heartbroken,

403
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:12,560
Speaker 10: but to have my best friend in the world having

404
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,520
Speaker 10: her version of the same experience, and both of us

405
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,919
Speaker 10: saying we got to like, we got to put it down,

406
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,399
Speaker 10: and we got to try to make a new way

407
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:25,000
Speaker 10: in the most profound way. I knew I wasn't crazy.

408
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:30,720
Speaker 10: I knew I wasn't doing something rash. I knew I'd

409
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:34,480
Speaker 10: literally exhausted every option, I'd gone to, every therapy, I'd

410
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:36,960
Speaker 10: done every bit of the homework, and I had to

411
00:22:37,119 --> 00:22:42,680
Speaker 10: just say, it's okay to change your mind, It's okay

412
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:47,119
Speaker 10: to learn something and based on that learning, make a

413
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:50,800
Speaker 10: new decision for your future. And so everybody wanted to

414
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:56,080
Speaker 10: make it about, you know, the next person in my life.

415
00:22:56,119 --> 00:22:58,080
Speaker 10: Because the next person in my life was a woman.

416
00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,159
Speaker 10: Plenty of people were shocked. It wasn't nea by the way.

417
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,240
Speaker 10: I was like, I was like, she is my wife,

418
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:07,320
Speaker 10: Just not like that. But you know what, I think

419
00:23:07,359 --> 00:23:11,520
Speaker 10: what people didn't understand was that the journey started again

420
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Speaker 10: in a community of women. And there were two of us,

421
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:16,520
Speaker 10: and then there was a best friend from college, and

422
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:19,199
Speaker 10: then there was a woman I would eventually fall in

423
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,639
Speaker 10: love with. And then there was another friend, you know,

424
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,840
Speaker 10: dealing with will I stay or will I go because

425
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:27,119
Speaker 10: of addiction in her family with her husband, and the

426
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:32,920
Speaker 10: community of women who who didn't go really bad timing.

427
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Speaker 10: You know, you just had this whole big thing. They

428
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,680
Speaker 10: didn't lean out and critique, They leaned in and said

429
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Speaker 10: it's okay. Those women helped me take off forty years

430
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:48,520
Speaker 10: of expectation and people pleasing and just trying to do

431
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:51,320
Speaker 10: it right because it hadn't felt right ever, no matter

432
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Speaker 10: how hard I tried. And it was yes about stepping

433
00:23:56,200 --> 00:24:00,760
Speaker 10: into that portion of my identity in a way, but

434
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Speaker 10: what it really was in totality was a homecoming and

435
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,639
Speaker 10: a learning to honor myself. And I learned how to

436
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:12,800
Speaker 10: honor myself watching the strongest woman that I know and

437
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:18,960
Speaker 10: a group of the most impressive women we love honor themselves.

438
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,320
Speaker 10: I had the courage of that conviction because of what

439
00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:27,800
Speaker 10: I was being shown in both love and example by

440
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:28,800
Speaker 10: the women in my life.

441
00:24:29,359 --> 00:24:32,720
Speaker 12: Scrolling won't change your life, but subscribing just might tap

442
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:42,160
Speaker 12: that button and stay connected to conversations that can't. Now

443
00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,920
Speaker 12: back to my legacy.

444
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:48,480
Speaker 13: This is a very simple thing, but it's very important.

445
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:53,800
Speaker 13: I rarely get sick, and I'm blessed and fortunate, but

446
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:58,720
Speaker 13: a lot of that, in my mind is because every day,

447
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:01,560
Speaker 13: not a day goes by that Andrew doesn't put out

448
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:04,360
Speaker 13: vitamins from me. Now, I would like to be That's

449
00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:06,679
Speaker 13: a simple thing. I'd love to be able to do that,

450
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:12,639
Speaker 13: and I will get there, but that constantly reinforces. You know,

451
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:15,280
Speaker 13: when your partner loves you so much that they're very

452
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:19,320
Speaker 13: concerned about your being healthy, being able to go out

453
00:25:19,359 --> 00:25:21,679
Speaker 13: into the world as many of us have to do.

454
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:23,360
Speaker 3: So I want to ask.

455
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:27,359
Speaker 13: You both, what simple thing does your partner do to

456
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:28,960
Speaker 13: show that they love you?

457
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:33,840
Speaker 11: Ah, my gosh, Jason, Well, Jason very expressive person, but

458
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:37,080
Speaker 11: it's not just the words that he uses, like he

459
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:39,359
Speaker 11: is someone who will verbally check in and be like,

460
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,320
Speaker 11: what can I do to make you happier? Is there

461
00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:42,879
Speaker 11: anyway I can help you? And he says that to

462
00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:46,000
Speaker 11: me on a regular basis. So I think one part

463
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:49,880
Speaker 11: of it is being vocal about how you want to

464
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:52,400
Speaker 11: be there for your partner, which I actually wasn't very

465
00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:54,399
Speaker 11: good at and I'm still getting better at to actually

466
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:57,240
Speaker 11: vocalize it. I've you know, in my mind, I'm I

467
00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:59,080
Speaker 11: see myself more of an active service, which is how

468
00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:01,320
Speaker 11: I've seen my parents. So I'd be like, oh, but

469
00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:04,600
Speaker 11: in my mind, I've cooked a meal, and I've done

470
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:07,560
Speaker 11: this little thing and and but sometimes you realize that

471
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:11,119
Speaker 11: actually having those vocal moments are really important and how

472
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:14,240
Speaker 11: much that makes a difference in a relationship. But then

473
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,840
Speaker 11: in action it's like the little things of you know,

474
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:19,160
Speaker 11: even if he's just sat down, when I've sat down

475
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:21,600
Speaker 11: and I need something, he'll get back up, Like if

476
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,200
Speaker 11: I won't get back up, he'll get back up to

477
00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:28,239
Speaker 11: get it for me. Or if I am feeling I

478
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:28,520
Speaker 11: know you.

479
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:31,000
Speaker 8: Still do it.

480
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:33,280
Speaker 11: And you know, it's those little things where you just

481
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:35,040
Speaker 11: notice someone going out of their way for you, because

482
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:36,760
Speaker 11: not many people want to go out of their way

483
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:41,080
Speaker 11: for you. And then another one is whenever I'm having

484
00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:43,560
Speaker 11: I'm quite an emotional person, and whenever he feels my

485
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:45,640
Speaker 11: energy is a little bit off, he'll always no matter

486
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:47,919
Speaker 11: what he's got going on, he'll always make space and

487
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,040
Speaker 11: time to just check in and be like, do you

488
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,280
Speaker 11: need do you need help with anything? Can I sit

489
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,400
Speaker 11: with you? I can work through whether it's a work thing,

490
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:57,159
Speaker 11: whether it's a family thing. You know, he always creates

491
00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:59,800
Speaker 11: the time and space, no matter how busy, to have

492
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,520
Speaker 11: those moments of connection if he feels like I really

493
00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:05,280
Speaker 11: need it. And so, I mean I could probably go on,

494
00:27:05,359 --> 00:27:07,400
Speaker 11: but I'll leave it that. There's there a couple of them.

495
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:10,959
Speaker 11: But yeah, there's so many different ways he expresses himself.

496
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:16,320
Speaker 5: Actually, JA, yeah, so many as well. I think for me,

497
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:20,680
Speaker 5: The biggest one is I think when we first got

498
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:23,000
Speaker 5: married and we moved to New York and then we

499
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:24,800
Speaker 5: were kind of there for a couple of years, then

500
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:28,040
Speaker 5: moving to LA and we've just been through so much change,

501
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:33,600
Speaker 5: and change that wasn't anticipated or expected, so change that

502
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:37,360
Speaker 5: we both had planned to live our whole lives fifteen

503
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:41,160
Speaker 5: minutes from our local temple in England and five minutes

504
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:45,120
Speaker 5: away from Radi's parents home. And actually that was one

505
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:48,679
Speaker 5: of her requirements for us getting married, was that she

506
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:52,480
Speaker 5: could be a one mile radius away from her parents' home.

507
00:27:53,359 --> 00:27:55,960
Speaker 5: And I committed to that, and I genuinely had committed

508
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,080
Speaker 5: to that. It was something that I thought was very real.

509
00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:01,040
Speaker 5: All of our friends are in that area, families in

510
00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:03,879
Speaker 5: that area. It made sense. And then all of a sudden,

511
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:07,119
Speaker 5: my career took a turn in twenty sixteen when this

512
00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,360
Speaker 5: part of my life started to grow, and it's continued

513
00:28:10,359 --> 00:28:14,119
Speaker 5: to for the nine years, thankfully. And if I'm completely honest,

514
00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:17,359
Speaker 5: that was completely not part of the plan, not my plan,

515
00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:22,000
Speaker 5: not her plan, not our plan, but it was what

516
00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:26,879
Speaker 5: I couldn't even have dreamed of. And not once in

517
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:30,639
Speaker 5: the last nine years has Radi ever said to me,

518
00:28:31,119 --> 00:28:34,880
Speaker 5: look what I gave up for you, And oh god,

519
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,280
Speaker 5: I could cry saying this, but it's one of those things.

520
00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:41,120
Speaker 5: It's like, I know how much her parents mean to her,

521
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:43,920
Speaker 5: no much her family friends mean to her. I know

522
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:46,960
Speaker 5: how much London means to her, and for her to

523
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:50,800
Speaker 5: move away, for her to give that up when we

524
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:53,960
Speaker 5: didn't have clarity, like you know, we're very fortunate today

525
00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:58,440
Speaker 5: to have a wonderful life, but getting here wasn't easy.

526
00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:00,800
Speaker 5: I was away a lot, I traveled a lot for work,

527
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:05,200
Speaker 5: I was building things, moving around And never once did

528
00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:08,240
Speaker 5: she say I gave this all up for you. You're

529
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:13,120
Speaker 5: never around, you work too hard. And I think that

530
00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:19,560
Speaker 5: kind of trust without nagging, without making someone feel bad

531
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:22,080
Speaker 5: when I was already carrying the burden of it myself.

532
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:25,360
Speaker 5: And I think that's the feeling that makes you feel

533
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:28,480
Speaker 5: loved where you're Like, I was already feeling that way myself.

534
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:30,560
Speaker 5: So if she would have said it to me, probably

535
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:33,640
Speaker 5: would have broken me. But the fact that she didn't

536
00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:36,520
Speaker 5: feel that she had to say it to me makes

537
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:41,760
Speaker 5: me feel loved. So not blaming, not shaming, not pushing,

538
00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:44,920
Speaker 5: not prodding is is. It feels like a small thing,

539
00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:49,920
Speaker 5: but actually it's huge. And even at the most difficult

540
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:55,440
Speaker 5: times in our life, whether we were financially struggling, you know,

541
00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:58,600
Speaker 5: struggling with moving, changing, whatever things were going on in

542
00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:01,360
Speaker 5: our life. Every time I'd update her on what would happen,

543
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:05,560
Speaker 5: She'd always say, I trust you. And hearing your partner

544
00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:07,640
Speaker 5: say that when you don't even know what's going to

545
00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:11,480
Speaker 5: happen next is the greatest sign of love. And so

546
00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:16,800
Speaker 5: and and you know, she RADI decided to date me

547
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:19,600
Speaker 5: and commit to a relationship with me when I had

548
00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:24,040
Speaker 5: nothing to offer about myself, and so that's a pretty

549
00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:26,560
Speaker 5: big thing. She she could have married anyone she wanted

550
00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:29,440
Speaker 5: to marry, and so her decision to be with someone

551
00:30:29,480 --> 00:30:32,360
Speaker 5: who didn't have a even a secure job when we

552
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,160
Speaker 5: first started dating, and you know, someone who'd been in

553
00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:37,880
Speaker 5: the monastery for three years and didn't have any sort

554
00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:40,920
Speaker 5: of savings or any sort of plan, I think it

555
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:44,960
Speaker 5: shows her character and her ability to you know, go

556
00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:50,120
Speaker 5: beyond material things. And and the more recent one, I mean,

557
00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:51,640
Speaker 5: I could go on as well. I think the more

558
00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:56,120
Speaker 5: recently you need to get one. Radi's never let me

559
00:30:56,680 --> 00:31:02,120
Speaker 5: define my self worth based on my success. So when

560
00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:06,400
Speaker 5: I first started to experience success, Rady didn't celebrate it

561
00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:11,520
Speaker 5: in the way I wanted her to and I would want. Look,

562
00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:13,480
Speaker 5: I'd wanted my wife to be my number one fan

563
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:17,040
Speaker 5: and my biggest cheerleader, and she wasn't for my career.

564
00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:20,920
Speaker 5: But I had to realize if I skewed my perspective,

565
00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:24,000
Speaker 5: she was for who I was. So if it came

566
00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:26,480
Speaker 5: to my character, that's what she was backing. She wasn't

567
00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:29,800
Speaker 5: backing me because of my career. And that took me.

568
00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:33,960
Speaker 5: That helped me detach from valuing myself based on the

569
00:31:34,000 --> 00:31:36,360
Speaker 5: success of my career because I think that's what I

570
00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:38,840
Speaker 5: would have done and what I would have wanted if

571
00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:41,480
Speaker 5: she had fallen in that way. And so her lack

572
00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:47,960
Speaker 5: of validation for my career was the greatest validation for I'm.

573
00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:50,200
Speaker 1: Great.

574
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:52,560
Speaker 8: I think it's a cue.

575
00:31:52,720 --> 00:31:55,280
Speaker 5: And again going back to the men point, I think

576
00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:57,960
Speaker 5: a lot of men like we want our partners to

577
00:31:57,960 --> 00:32:00,440
Speaker 5: be like front Row. We want them to be the leader,

578
00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:02,680
Speaker 5: like we've we've got that culture. And I'm not saying

579
00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:04,680
Speaker 5: that my wife isn't my cheerleadering that, but I'm saying,

580
00:32:05,600 --> 00:32:08,600
Speaker 5: your wife's cheerleading your character, not your career. That's better

581
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:11,480
Speaker 5: because the career is up and down, like the career

582
00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:13,479
Speaker 5: is going to do whatever it's going to do, But

583
00:32:13,520 --> 00:32:15,640
Speaker 5: your characters who you are, Like, what do you want

584
00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:16,920
Speaker 5: to be loved for? Do you want to be loved

585
00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:18,800
Speaker 5: for the amount of followers you have? Or do you

586
00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:21,000
Speaker 5: want to be loved for who you are and how

587
00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:23,920
Speaker 5: you show up and what she believes you represent? And

588
00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:26,400
Speaker 5: so I think it's genuinely we're laughing about it and

589
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:28,800
Speaker 5: it can have funny connotations, but I want to clarify,

590
00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:30,960
Speaker 5: Like the point is, I think we all want to

591
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:33,440
Speaker 5: be loved for who we are and not loved for

592
00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:34,200
Speaker 5: what we achieve.

593
00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:36,120
Speaker 11: I did start listening to a podcast last year.

594
00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:44,480
Speaker 1: Thank you for joining us. If you enjoy today's conversation, subscribe, share,

595
00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:47,680
Speaker 1: and follow us on at my Legacy Movement on social

596
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:52,560
Speaker 1: media and YouTube. New episodes drop every Tuesday, with bonus

597
00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:57,240
Speaker 1: content every Thursday. At its core, This podcast honors doctor

598
00:32:57,320 --> 00:33:01,200
Speaker 1: King's vision of the Beloved community and the power of connection.

599
00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:06,280
Speaker 1: A Legacy Plus Studio production distributed by iHeartMedia creator and

600
00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:10,760
Speaker 1: executive producer Suzanne Hayward co executive producer Lisa Lyle. Listen

601
00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:13,719
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts,