Speaker 1: Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. I
Speaker 1: think there can no longer be any doubt that as
Speaker 1: the last weekend of the campaign hits, the Trump internal
Speaker 1: polls are telling his handlers that he is losing, and
Speaker 1: losing by enough that, however close the popular vote might
Speaker 1: turn out to be, he will lose handily and decisively
Speaker 1: in the electoral College, and his only chance now is
Speaker 1: to foment another insurrection, whether by violence or via the
Speaker 1: machinations of that little shit eating weasel Speaker of the
Speaker 1: House Mike Johnson Axios. It's Mike Allen reporting this possibly
Speaker 1: the most gullible and easily led man in the history
Speaker 1: of American journalism, and I include Bill Hemmer and everybody
Speaker 1: else who's ever worked at Fox News. Mike Allen, possibly
Speaker 1: the most gullible lan in journalism or whatever he's actually
Speaker 1: in presented this as a scoop. I quote a new
Speaker 1: internal memo by Tony Fabrizio, chief polster for all three
Speaker 1: of Trump's presidential campaigns, tells the former president he's in
Speaker 1: a radically better position than he was right before the
Speaker 1: twenty twenty election. Mike, this is not a scoop. It's
Speaker 1: a press release. Why it matters. The memo reflects the
Speaker 1: exuberance that Trump staffers and allies exude in interviews and
Speaker 1: behind the scenes conversations. The optimistic framing could make it
Speaker 1: even more difficult for Trump followers to accept a loss
Speaker 1: as legitimate. Mike has just hit the lead there at
Speaker 1: that end of that sentence and hasn't even noticed might
Speaker 1: make it even more difficult for Trump followers to accept
Speaker 1: a loss as legitimate. But back to his scoop. The
Speaker 1: memo addressed to capital letters only Team Trump has the
Speaker 1: subject line President Trump is on the verge to some degree.
Speaker 1: It is terrifying, and not just for the fact that
Speaker 1: this guy Allen has founded two of the larger news
Speaker 1: organizations and two of the newer successful news organizations in
Speaker 1: this country in the last fifteen years. It's terrifying because
Speaker 1: it sounds like they have internal data that suggests they're winning,
Speaker 1: and then we discovered what actually happened here. Quote Fabrizio
Speaker 1: draws on real clear politics polling averages to argue that
Speaker 1: Trump's position nationally and in every single battleground state is
Speaker 1: significantly better today than it was four years ago. I
Speaker 1: point this out not to stoke over confidence or complacency,
Speaker 1: but to illustrate just how close this election is and
Speaker 1: that victory is within our reach. The Polster ads they
Speaker 1: needed to plant this somewhere, and somebody said plants, like
Speaker 1: in ferns plants. Oh, of course, Mike Allen, Let me
Speaker 1: explain real clear politics for a moment. Real clear politics
Speaker 1: is the Rasmussen made up numbers. And remember the Rasmussen organizations.
Speaker 1: There's now two different sets of Rasmussen poles. The Rasmussens
Speaker 1: are the people who invented ESPN and then sold it
Speaker 1: for like eighty seven dollars. That's where they started. Somebody
Speaker 1: who got fired as a local sportscaster in Hartford, Connecticut
Speaker 1: invented ESPN and gave it away for nothing. They're now
Speaker 1: in the polling business, except they don't do real polls.
Speaker 1: They just produced numbers that Republicans like. So real clear politics,
Speaker 1: the real clear politics average is the Rasmussen made up
Speaker 1: poll plus some disreputable ones. As I have been saying
Speaker 1: for a month, October would be devoted to various organizations
Speaker 1: you have never heard from or heard of before, issuing
Speaker 1: polls showing Trump leading by ten Trump leading by seventeen
Speaker 1: in Michigan, Trump leading in Wisconsin, Trump ahead uncatchably in Pennsylvania.
Speaker 1: Maybe in some state, Trump leading four million, three hundred
Speaker 1: and twenty seven two hundred and sixty one votes to nothing,
Speaker 1: things like that. So the Rasmussen numbers are the more
Speaker 1: reliable ones, and the real clear politics result is there
Speaker 1: solely to make Republican voters think they are winning and
Speaker 1: to set up another Trump insurrection, to stoke the idea,
Speaker 1: if it were not stoked enough by this site path.
Speaker 1: Every time he opens his orange blow up sex doll mouth,
Speaker 1: as we saw in the shots of him from Wisconsin
Speaker 1: in the orange vest. And I'm sorry for the imagery,
Speaker 1: but the imagery is way worse than me talking about
Speaker 1: the imagery. It's worse than every time he opens his
Speaker 1: mouth and that stuff comes out. Because here it is
Speaker 1: in print, it must be true. It's real clear politics.
Speaker 1: We know that's good because it says real clear. Trump
Speaker 1: has been questioning the vote in Pennsylvania for a week now.
Speaker 1: Has been threatening legal action, has been threatening to get
Speaker 1: people arrested, has been insisting there has been fraud, has
Speaker 1: been insisting that there have been ballot stolen and there
Speaker 1: were ballots stolen by Republicans has been insisting it's all fixed.
Speaker 1: In Pennsylvania, it's already happening. And there's only one possible
Speaker 1: explanation for that. He knows, or somebody knows looking at you,
Speaker 1: Tony Fabric, that the internals, particularly in Pennsylvania, and the
Speaker 1: early voting particularly and in Pennsylvania are bad enough to
Speaker 1: cost him that pivotal Keystone state. And here's the evidence
Speaker 1: of it from Politico, which still occasionally occasionally runs an
Speaker 1: actual news story as opposed to something planted by the GOP.
Speaker 1: Trump is lagging Kamala Harris in Pennsylvania early voting with
Speaker 1: a critical and once reliable Republican constituency, seniors in Pennsylvania,
Speaker 1: where voters over the age of sixty five, Holy crap,
Speaker 1: that would be me, have cast nearly half of the
Speaker 1: early ballots. Registered Democrats account for about fifty eight percent
Speaker 1: of votes cast by seniors, compared to thirty five percent
Speaker 1: for Republicans. That's despite both parties having roughly equal numbers
Speaker 1: of registered voters aged sixty five and older. I will
Speaker 1: point something out to you that sounds shocking if you
Speaker 1: are not sixty five or older, but once you get
Speaker 1: to sixty five, as I am suddenly becomes well to
Speaker 1: use a phrase, real clear, you do tend to think
Speaker 1: in terms of if I get this done now, it'll
Speaker 1: be done in case I die suddenly. Like voting in advance,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I get a two week advantage. My
Speaker 1: vote will still count even if I'm dead, or if
Speaker 1: I die on election morning. It's not morbid. It's not
Speaker 1: prophesying your own death. It's not doubting you're gonna make it.
Speaker 1: It's just you know, planning, Like while you're out and
Speaker 1: you're near a post office and you get a whole
Speaker 1: row of stamps. I'm not going to use them all today.
Speaker 1: Remember what the idea here is and why Trump has
Speaker 1: been continually talking about Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania is the key, but
Speaker 1: not because Trump is going to win in Pennsylvania. Because
Speaker 1: all that, from what I can tell, the internal polls
Speaker 1: inside the camp at Harris HQ suggests the other that
Speaker 1: they are going to win, That all their trends in
Speaker 1: Pennsylvania are positive, that they have been positive and ever
Speaker 1: more so positive since she took over the nomination in July,
Speaker 1: and that they've been moving incrementally one tenth of one
Speaker 1: percent a day every day since then in every category
Speaker 1: except nazis that they might win the state of Pennsylvania
Speaker 1: by more than Biden did. That they might get to
Speaker 1: six figures. They might win the state by one hundred
Speaker 1: thousand votes. That would be a comparative landslide. That they
Speaker 1: might win all the swing states, seven swing states, by
Speaker 1: a total of four hundred thousand votes. We'll take it, because,
Speaker 1: of course, what the result would be in the electoral
Speaker 1: college is the same as if you won each of
Speaker 1: those swing states by ten million votes. But remember the
Speaker 1: Trump idea here. If there is no ille electoral path
Speaker 1: to victory, you force a contingent election. And again just
Speaker 1: to go over that, that is one in which for
Speaker 1: some reason there are not enough electors, there are not
Speaker 1: a clear majority being presented, and the electoral decision is
Speaker 1: made by the House of Representatives. One vote per state,
Speaker 1: and obviously that would be like at the conventions. There's
Speaker 1: one vote per state, the majority in that state in
Speaker 1: terms of the electoral college, in terms of the House
Speaker 1: of Representatives, group would get the one vote. Most of
Speaker 1: the states are Republican. Therefore Trump would win thirty seven
Speaker 1: to twenty three. But you can't accomplish that, as we
Speaker 1: heard earlier this week in the Peace in the Washington
Speaker 1: Post by professors Lawrence Tribe, Neil Buchananda Michael Dorf, you
Speaker 1: can't do that simply by holding up the Pennsylvania delegation.
Speaker 1: That's where you start. You say, oh, there's something wrong
Speaker 1: with the Pennsylvania delegation. What you would need to do is,
Speaker 1: depending on the margin of victory for Kamala Harris, you'd
Speaker 1: either need to hold up two other states Pennsylvania and
Speaker 1: Arizona and Wisconsin. Say if she won all three of those,
Speaker 1: and then suddenly Trump would have the majority of the
Speaker 1: available votes at the Electoral College and he would be
Speaker 1: the winner, with the other ones being recorded as zero votes.
Speaker 1: The other option is, of course, to try to get
Speaker 1: an alternate vote of electors in there, no matter what
Speaker 1: the outcome is, if Trump indeed loses Pennsylvania, you somehow
Speaker 1: get a second set of electors. The twenty twenty Eastman plan,
Speaker 1: the alternate electors. You just have been planning it and
Speaker 1: working on it and refining it and making it legal
Speaker 1: and lining it up with the judges four years in advance,
Speaker 1: four years of groundwork to this point, the idea that
Speaker 1: came to them far too late to actually work in
Speaker 1: twenty twenty has been percolating ever since. So that's the idea.
Speaker 1: Keep selling the idea that he is winning and has
Speaker 1: had it stolen from him, and take your chances with
Speaker 1: violence or with Mike Johnson and the little secret that
Speaker 1: they have going for them. It is either a coup
Speaker 1: by murder, which again can be responded to by tanks,
Speaker 1: or a coup by Mike Johnson. And you just have
Speaker 1: to ask yourself, if you're a president of the United
Speaker 1: States and Mike Johnson tries to steal the election, what
Speaker 1: do you do. My advice to President Biden would be, Hey,
Speaker 1: the other idea works well here too. Mike Johnson tries
Speaker 1: to steal the election, get the tanks out anyway. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he would respond the way the guy did at Tiananman Square.
Speaker 1: Oh stop, anybody see Mike Johnson around here anywhere? Well,
Speaker 1: check the pavement. He may be down there somewhere. Crazily enough,
Speaker 1: all of what I am postulating in Pennsylvania and elsewhere,
Speaker 1: and this idea that Trump at least is being told
Speaker 1: that he is winning so he can sell them is
Speaker 1: part and parcel of a larger idea to make it
Speaker 1: look to the Trump crazies that they are well ahead
Speaker 1: and having the stolen from them. It would match what
Speaker 1: otherwise would look like the Trump campaign deliberately trying to lose.
Speaker 1: The things that have been done in the last week,
Speaker 1: including with the availability of a little perspective of time,
Speaker 1: including the Madison Square Garden event a week ago Sunday,
Speaker 1: could be attempts simply to gin up that race his base,
Speaker 1: because they continue to pull out all the stops to
Speaker 1: fire up those people, the white supremacists, the white supremacists.
Speaker 1: After all, if you go look at the videotape from
Speaker 1: January sixth, these are the people who being told Trump
Speaker 1: is winning and there has been fraud, and that it
Speaker 1: has been stolen from them. They are the ones most
Speaker 1: likely to have the guns and the most likely to
Speaker 1: have fun storming the castle. Again, remember the other night,
Speaker 1: the attempt to turn garbage into a pro Trump message,
Speaker 1: Trump and the garbage truck, Trump and the garbage man's
Speaker 1: orange outfit, and the previous reference to the blow up
Speaker 1: sex doll Trump garbage force one. In one of those
Speaker 1: speeches in Wisconsin, Trump said Harris even though she didn't
Speaker 1: say it. Biden said it, and he didn't say it.
Speaker 1: He was quoting the guy Tony race Bait, whatever the
Speaker 1: name of the former comedian is. He said it. But
Speaker 1: Trump said Harris had insulted two hundred and fifty million Americans,
Speaker 1: and setting aside the facts of who said what about
Speaker 1: garbage for a moment, where does that number come from?
Speaker 1: Where does two hundred and fifty million Americans come from?
Speaker 1: I mean, even Trump can't get that wrong. That's not
Speaker 1: the population of the United States, and that's not his base,
Speaker 1: that's not his voting total. We are at, depending on
Speaker 1: the count, three hundred and thirty six million or nearly
Speaker 1: so in this country as of the beginning of this year,
Speaker 1: probably three forty five. Now, there were eighty one million
Speaker 1: Biden voters in twenty twenty, seventy four million Trump voters
Speaker 1: in twenty twenty, So that's eighty five, one hundred and
Speaker 1: fifty five million. Where does two hundred and fifty million
Speaker 1: come from? Well, sir, per Statista, resident population of the
Speaker 1: United States by race, Black or African American forty five million,
Speaker 1: seven hundred sixty thousand. They have American, Indian, and Alaska,
Speaker 1: and they over here, what's this white two hundred and
Speaker 1: fifty two million, seventy thousand, Why that's a coincidence. Two
Speaker 1: hundred and fifty two million. So Trump was actually being
Speaker 1: conservative when he said she had offended two hundred and
Speaker 1: fifty million people. He means white people. He means racist
Speaker 1: white people. And thank god, it's not two hundred and
Speaker 1: fifty million racist white people. But there's a lot. I
Speaker 1: don't know if you'd noticed that. Now, the two hundred
Speaker 1: and fifty two million in the Statista number includes and
Speaker 1: this is a clunky and if it is an offensive term,
Speaker 1: and I would think it would be, I apologize. You
Speaker 1: know what is meant by this white Hispanics, non African Hispanics,
Speaker 1: Hispanic African Americans. That's the number. It's Caucasians plus white Latinos,
Speaker 1: and you get the point. The point is the number,
Speaker 1: and Trump thinks he's got them, and so Trump is
Speaker 1: referencing them as America and everybody else can go to hell.
Speaker 1: Two hundred and fifty million Americans and the rest of
Speaker 1: you are sol Now, it is possible he's just being
Speaker 1: fed what he wants to hear by his handlers, just
Speaker 1: as his voters are being fed what they want to hear.
Speaker 1: I would never use the term victim when it comes
Speaker 1: to Trump, but it is clearly possible that he has
Speaker 1: long since lost the ability to process this or lead
Speaker 1: this campaign, and he is simply being fed material by
Speaker 1: the Stephen Millers and this guy from the beginning here
Speaker 1: that was this name, Tony the polster. Fabrizio smells bad
Speaker 1: in here sprits some Fabrizio around the room. It is
Speaker 1: either Trump's last again wrong term, intellectual gasp, or it's
Speaker 1: being what he is being told. But clearly he has
Speaker 1: been told go heavy on the whole white people thing,
Speaker 1: especially the white males. So now we have attack the
Speaker 1: minorities even more like the other Tony at Madison Square Garden.
Speaker 1: And don't forget to attack women, because women, as we
Speaker 1: keep hearing, women who don't vote the way their husbands
Speaker 1: tell them to, are going to hell. That message has
Speaker 1: been pushed through forout the last week. But so go
Speaker 1: after the independent women and say extraordinary things like He's
Speaker 1: going to protect women whether they like it or not,
Speaker 1: whether they like it or not, whether they like it
Speaker 1: or not, women, whether they like it or not. Why
Speaker 1: that sounds like what a rapist might say.
Speaker 2: I want to protect the people. I want to protect
Speaker 2: the women of our country. I want to protect the women. Sir,
Speaker 2: Please don't say that. Why they said, we think it's
Speaker 2: We think it's very inappropriate for you to say. So
Speaker 2: I'm going to do it, whether the women like it
Speaker 2: or not, I'm going to protect them.
Speaker 3: I will comment on the former President Donald Trump's remark
Speaker 3: about women and whether they like it or not, and listen,
Speaker 3: it's just it actually is, I think very offensive to
Speaker 3: women in terms of not understanding their agency, their authority,
Speaker 3: their right, and their ability to make decisions about their
Speaker 3: own lives, including their own bodies. And this is just
Speaker 3: the latest on a series of reveals by the former
Speaker 3: president of how he thinks about.
Speaker 1: Women, whether they like it or not. That would fit
Speaker 1: in with the entirety of Donald Trump's life on this earth. Now,
Speaker 1: they have not given up on getting women to vote
Speaker 1: for him. Trump's ads, particularly the ones that ran during
Speaker 1: the World Series, and I'd like to point out that
Speaker 1: the increased ratings in the World Series were largely due
Speaker 1: to the fact that viewers in New York and California
Speaker 1: were watching two of the bluest states there are, so
Speaker 1: any Trump ad being shown to the large audience in
Speaker 1: Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York City. Total waste of money.
Speaker 1: But all of those ads were about women needing to
Speaker 1: be afraid of minority men, especially immigrants. And just in
Speaker 1: case you missed the point and it was too subtle
Speaker 1: for you, with the bunch of old ladies sitting around
Speaker 1: the diner saying they were spat on while taking their
Speaker 1: dog for a walk, Rudy Giuliani decided enough of this
Speaker 1: subtlety and nuance. I'm just going to come out and
Speaker 1: get this close to use the terms bunny and jungle
Speaker 1: in the same sentence. The years ago, they just.
Speaker 2: Shouldn't have been taken out of the jungle and placed
Speaker 2: in the middle of a small town America.
Speaker 1: That's ridiculous, or be town America for that matter. There
Speaker 1: is still time to bet on whether Trump or one
Speaker 1: of his surrogates drops the N word before Tuesday. I mean, Rudy, Jungle,
Speaker 1: You're so close, you're getting there. Rudy's back, baby. More
Speaker 1: signs they're trying to gin up outrage, any outrage. You
Speaker 1: may recall the plan to immunize the police. Policeman shoots
Speaker 1: some innocent bystander up. You can't prosecute him, you can't
Speaker 1: sue him, you can't fire him. And who does he
Speaker 1: have to thank for that? Donald Trump? Therefore, who does
Speaker 1: every policeman in the country work for? Donald Trump now
Speaker 1: plans once again to take over the police force by
Speaker 1: defunding the police as Trump protests correction, as Trump promises
Speaker 1: the largest mass deportation of undocumented immigrants in US history
Speaker 1: if re elected, his team is considering withholding federal police
Speaker 1: grants from local law enforcement agencies that decline to take
Speaker 1: part in the deportations. Three sources close to the Trump
Speaker 1: campaign told NBC News tried it last time. But the
Speaker 1: point is, if the cops are immunized and they see
Speaker 1: there's no funding, and they work for Trump and the
Speaker 1: cities try to stop the mass deportation and killing of
Speaker 1: immigrants and people who will defend them, why the cops
Speaker 1: can then turn around and be used against the leaders
Speaker 1: of the local cities. So, for instance, here in New York,
Speaker 1: immunized conservative cops in this city who live on Long
Speaker 1: Island for the most part, or Staten Island, could be
Speaker 1: used to arrest Mayor Eric Adams. And what a miscarriage
Speaker 1: of wait A minute. I'll get back to you on
Speaker 1: that idea. More comically, the website Red State, which may
Speaker 1: be bought by the Onion simply because the content on
Speaker 1: red State is far more satirically funny than even the
Speaker 1: best of the revivified Onion. Plus, if they merged, it
Speaker 1: would be the Red Onion breaking another Mike Allen scoop
Speaker 1: at Red State. Oh no, he doesn't work there for
Speaker 1: the moment breaking. Trump sues CBS News for gigantic sum
Speaker 1: over sixty minutes fiasco. Well, I don't know. I got
Speaker 1: a story coming up later about Russia suing Google for
Speaker 1: more money than there is in the world. Trump sues
Speaker 1: CBS News for gigantic sum over sixty minutes fiasco. It
Speaker 1: was the journalism fail heard round the world. Well, no,
Speaker 1: it was on CBS. CBS News is long running show
Speaker 1: sixty minutes. Interview Democrat presidential nominee Kamala Harrison early October,
Speaker 1: but presented two different versions of her answering a question
Speaker 1: about Israel. Clearly one of those answers had to be
Speaker 1: deceptively edited. Clearly, some overwork bastard in the edit room
Speaker 1: put the wrong answer with the wrong cutaway of the
Speaker 1: wrong question. I don't know how many times I saw
Speaker 1: this happen. I don't know how many times I saw
Speaker 1: it happen at my college radio station. Now Trump is
Speaker 1: taking action and suing the network for a staggering ten
Speaker 1: billion dollars in damages, stating the network practiced deceptive conduct
Speaker 1: for the purpose of election interference. In its interview with
Speaker 1: Vice President Kamala Hears, Trump attorney said the complaint comes
Speaker 1: due to CBS's partisan and unlawful acts of election and
Speaker 1: voter interference through malicious, deceptive, and substantial news distortion calculated
Speaker 1: to confuse, deceive, and mislead the public. Confuse, deceive, and
Speaker 1: mislead the public. Isn't it the motto of the Trump
Speaker 1: campaign translated into into pig Latin. Trump attorneys also argue
Speaker 1: the edits were done in an effort to attempt to
Speaker 1: tip the scales in favor of the Democratic Party. Wait
Speaker 1: a minute, somebody wrote democratic instead of Democrat. Fire him.
Speaker 1: As the heated twenty twenty four presidential election, which President
Speaker 1: Trump is leading, approaches its conclusion, and what was the
Speaker 1: reaction to this at CBS and CBS News. Well, of
Speaker 1: course they were delighted because this is the first time
Speaker 1: anybody has suggested that there were enough people watching to
Speaker 1: influence the election. Ooh, also of interest here, thank you
Speaker 1: for your kind words about my rescue pup be Kit
Speaker 1: and the changes that I am going to enact in
Speaker 1: this As you may have heard, for principally now the
Speaker 1: script is ad libbed. The promotional efforts for this podcast
Speaker 1: are down to a minimum because I want to spend
Speaker 1: the next couple of weeks with Kit before he has
Speaker 1: his surgery, which has now been scheduled. We've gotten an
Speaker 1: extraordinary surgeon to do it, and the situation is much
Speaker 1: more hopeful today than it was yesterday. And thank you
Speaker 1: for the kind messages of support and the prayers. And
Speaker 1: Kit continues to scratch me in the face just to
Speaker 1: say hello. I'll keep you updated on Kit and still
Speaker 1: ahead of us here. In Worse Persons one of my
Speaker 1: favorite Worst Persons stories in years, One of my favorite
Speaker 1: in years. It's not only ridiculous, stupid, nonsensical, hilarious, but
Speaker 1: it involves Tucker Carlson. Tuck Kerk Carlson and says he's
Speaker 1: been mauled in his sleep by demon monochronk guy at
Speaker 1: CBS News. That's next this has come down. This is
Speaker 1: countdown with Keith Olberman still ahead on this ediative countdown.
Speaker 1: If this is the last weekend before the election, there
Speaker 1: can be only one Thurber with which to leave you,
Speaker 1: the one where he saw the Advent of Trump, which
Speaker 1: he wrote in nineteen thirty one. The ending is the
Speaker 1: best part. First, there are still more new idiots to
Speaker 1: talk about. The day roundup of the miss Grants, morons
Speaker 1: and Dunning Krueger effect specimens who constitute today's worst persons
Speaker 1: in the world. The bronze the worst the government of Russia.
Speaker 1: This is an epic headline from BBC News. Russia finds
Speaker 1: Google more money than there is in the entire world.
Speaker 1: Russia media outlet RBC reports the fine on Google relates
Speaker 1: to the restriction of content of seventeen Russian media channels
Speaker 1: on YouTube. A Russian court has fined Google two Undiscillian
Speaker 1: rubles that's a two, followed by thirty six zeros for
Speaker 1: restricting Russian state propaganda channels. In dollar terms, that means
Speaker 1: Google owes the government of Russia twenty commas zero zero
Speaker 1: zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero
Speaker 1: zero dollars and ninety eight cents I made up the
Speaker 1: last part that is much more. According to the International
Speaker 1: Monetary Fund, then there is money in the entire world's
Speaker 1: gross domestic product, which is allegedly, according to the IMF,
Speaker 1: the Impossible Missions Force, one hundred and ten trillion dollars
Speaker 1: as in a sign, how come every time we refer
Speaker 1: to and they do it on the business channels hourly,
Speaker 1: the International Monetary Fund, the IMF, how come nobody ever says,
Speaker 1: what about Peter Graves and the Impossible Mission Force? If
Speaker 1: you decide to accept this, Greg Morris will explode. The
Speaker 1: fine has reach these gargantuan levels, according to the BBC,
Speaker 1: quoting Tasks the Soviet News Agency, which is somehow still
Speaker 1: in business. It's because it rapidly increases all the time,
Speaker 1: because it doubles every day, and it's been doubling every
Speaker 1: day since the year twenty twenty. According to Task, the
Speaker 1: Kremlin spokesman Dmitri Preskoff admitted that he cannot even pronounce
Speaker 1: this number. Well, of course, if that's the definition of
Speaker 1: a lot, there's an awful lot of things that Dmitri
Speaker 1: Preskoff and the Russian government can't pronounce. Google management should
Speaker 1: pay attention. So it's more money than there is in
Speaker 1: the entire world. Two undecillion rubles. Now. The bad news
Speaker 1: for Russia is, of course, that's how much Trump owes
Speaker 1: it too. Runner up worser Elon Musk. If you haven't
Speaker 1: noticed this, Elon Musk has gone full Nazi. There's a
Speaker 1: le Nazi account called im yes you are no that
Speaker 1: wrote we live in a society of double standards and
Speaker 1: posted wiki entries for black pride and white pride, indicating
Speaker 1: that black pride is a good thing and white pride
Speaker 1: is you know. Musk answered this to his whatever two
Speaker 1: hundred million followers, what was the number in the Russian case?
Speaker 1: To undecillion replies? Is the Anti Defamation League still pushing
Speaker 1: this too? Hello anti Semitism. You can take the South
Speaker 1: African drugged up intellectual thief out of the apartheid state,
Speaker 1: but you can't take the apartheid state out of the
Speaker 1: South African drugged up intellectual thief. The good news, though,
Speaker 1: is Musk has bought a compound in Texas for his
Speaker 1: various women and children, so he's going the full David
Speaker 1: Koresh evidently, So get those tanks ready, everybody. I'm telling
Speaker 1: you this is just a piece of advice from an
Speaker 1: old man. Put him out of business. I'm not saying
Speaker 1: harm him. I'm just saying, remove him from our society
Speaker 1: as quickly as we can. Or one day he's going
Speaker 1: to press a button somewhere and all of his self
Speaker 1: driving cars will attack us. Actually, what harm would that
Speaker 1: do if he pressed a button for all the self
Speaker 1: driving cars to do anything? They just stall out or explode.
Speaker 1: The winner though the worst. Speaking of Elon Musk, speaking
Speaker 1: of Donald Trump, speaking of Russia. Tucker Carlson. He went
Speaker 1: on a podcast called Christianities. I believe this is a
Speaker 1: combination of the term christian and inanity, although they don't
Speaker 1: realize that perhaps the subject was good good versus evil.
Speaker 1: There is a conservative writer named Rod Dreyer who says, yeah,
Speaker 1: this is all true. Carlson told this story a year ago. That,
Speaker 1: of course, is about the time that Carlson began to
Speaker 1: fully lose his mind. And also those pains began and
Speaker 1: the mark started showing up on his body. You think
Speaker 1: I'm kidding about that, Let me just read you some
Speaker 1: of this. After all, this, he said he had an
Speaker 1: urge to read the Bible. Asked about good versus evil
Speaker 1: and the manifestations of evil in society by the host,
Speaker 1: mister religious psychopath of the day, I had a direct
Speaker 1: experience with it. Tucker Carlson says, in the milieu of journalism,
Speaker 1: He's asked, who says milieu, there's a guy wearing a
Speaker 1: monocle when he said this in the milieu of journalism, No,
Speaker 1: Tucker Carlson answers, in my bed at night, and I
Speaker 1: got attacked while I was asleep with my wife and
Speaker 1: four dogs and mauled physically. I'm just gonna as a
Speaker 1: as an aside, step aside here and just ask if
Speaker 1: you woke up mauled in your bed at night by
Speaker 1: evidently some sort of outside force. That's your first conclusion.
Speaker 1: It's by some sort of spiritual evil, and your wife
Speaker 1: and your four dogs are there. I mean, I have
Speaker 1: four dogs and occasionally I'm joined by well, wife is
Speaker 1: too strong a term. I'm occasionally joined, and and if
Speaker 1: I woke up mauled, I would suspect one of them.
Speaker 1: Some of the past, some of the exes, I would
Speaker 1: suspect them first. Some of the dogs, I would suspect
Speaker 1: them first too. I mean little kid, who I love
Speaker 1: and and and as you know, changing the format of
Speaker 1: this podcast for little kid likes to throw hands. Little
Speaker 1: kid comes over and gives me kisses and then punches
Speaker 1: me in the face. And he's pretty good at it too.
Speaker 1: He's got a good left and right. So I'm just saying,
Speaker 1: if you wound up whoever you are, if you wound
Speaker 1: up in the middle of the night, where you got
Speaker 1: mauled with scratches all over your body, particularly if you're
Speaker 1: Tucker Carlson, I'm suspecting the wife. So anyway, the host
Speaker 1: asks in a spiritual attack by a demon, and his
Speaker 1: monocle pops out as he asked that question. Yeah, Tucker,
Speaker 1: Carlson says, by a demon or by something unseen that
Speaker 1: left claw marks on my sides. The guy says, so
Speaker 1: it left physical marks, and the monocle pops back in.
Speaker 1: Carlson says, oh, oh they're still there. Yeah, yeah, a
Speaker 1: year and a half ago. All right, I like that.
Speaker 1: So you got cut up by your wife, probably maybe
Speaker 1: in her sleep, just as a manifestation of her frustration
Speaker 1: all these years to being married to one of the
Speaker 1: biggest assholes in human history, or by one of the dogs,
Speaker 1: because dogs know good people versus bad people. And I'm
Speaker 1: honestly surprised he's got four dogs and they haven't killed
Speaker 1: him and eaten him yet. Every once in a while,
Speaker 1: my dogs look at me and go, well, we think
Speaker 1: you're a good guy. But we have had meetings about this,
Speaker 1: and there's still physical marks. Tucker Carlson is still has
Speaker 1: got physical marks that were inflicted a year and a
Speaker 1: half ago, and he hasn't like like seen and bought
Speaker 1: some bac teene and put it on there, some neosporin,
Speaker 1: a couple of band aids. I mean, I worked in
Speaker 1: the same place with Tucker Carlson for nearly three years,
Speaker 1: and he is legitimately that great gap between what you
Speaker 1: think your IQ is and what it really is. His
Speaker 1: might be as large as Trump's. He believes his IQ
Speaker 1: is up around two hundred, it's actually closer to two.
Speaker 1: There is no more self satisfied, self convinced, never doubting
Speaker 1: person in the history of the world. Go back and
Speaker 1: look at the interview with John Stewart, who I also
Speaker 1: do not support. Go back and look at John Stewart
Speaker 1: interview on CNN's Crossfire years ago, where John Stewart canceled
Speaker 1: Tucker Carlson and the show Crossfire by saying what damage
Speaker 1: Tucker Carlson was doing to society? And it's not until
Speaker 1: the very last moment after John Stewart has left a
Speaker 1: series of marks on Tucker Carlson's side, until the last
Speaker 1: moment that Carlson realizes he's being cut up and left
Speaker 1: for roadkill and start, I'm not joking the early version
Speaker 1: of the psychonic laugh. That's him, Tucker Carlson. Maybe John
Speaker 1: Stewart left these marks in the middle of the night,
Speaker 1: although he would have filmed it and run it and
Speaker 1: then said I'm really good. Okay, back to the conversation
Speaker 1: on Christianity. Oh they're still there. Yeah, yeah, year and
Speaker 1: a half ago, the interlocutor says, was your wife terrified?
Speaker 1: I know you were. I wasn't. I was totally confused,
Speaker 1: like that's an uncommon feeling. I woke up and I
Speaker 1: couldn't breathe, and I thought I was going to suffocate,
Speaker 1: and I walked around outside and then I walked in
Speaker 1: and my wife and dogs had not woken up, and
Speaker 1: they're very light sleepers. And then I had these terrible
Speaker 1: pains on my rib cage and on my shoulder, and
Speaker 1: I was just in my boxer shorts, and I went
Speaker 1: and flipped on the light in the bathroom and I
Speaker 1: had four claw marks on either side, underneath my arms
Speaker 1: and on my left shoulder and they're bleeding. Well, this
Speaker 1: alarm's monocle.
Speaker 2: Boy.
Speaker 1: Wait, they were bleeding, Carlson says they were bleeding. Yeah,
Speaker 1: no actual claw marks. And I sleep on my side,
Speaker 1: so I wasn't clawing myself. Again, I'm going to step
Speaker 1: aside from quote to ask this question. You wake up
Speaker 1: suddenly apparently not feeling anything, no pain, no attack, no
Speaker 1: presence of any other force living dead or trump in
Speaker 1: the room. You feel nothing, and suddenly you wake up
Speaker 1: and you're bleeding from claw marks on the sides. And
Speaker 1: your first thought is to say, have I been clawing myself?
Speaker 1: Because of course everybody sleeps like that, dragging somehow, razors,
Speaker 1: sharp fingernails, or I don't know, gardening tools against your
Speaker 1: rip cage while you sleep, because that's perfectly normal. And actually,
Speaker 1: the more I think about it, I think maybe I
Speaker 1: heard something like that with Tucker Carlson, that he keeps
Speaker 1: gardening tools in bed with him and claws himself every night.
Speaker 1: I don't have long nails and they didn't fit my
Speaker 1: hands anyway. Well, there it is. That must be the
Speaker 1: reference to the gardening tools and the claw marks. The
Speaker 1: first thing he did. The first thing he did was
Speaker 1: check to see if he had done this to himself
Speaker 1: in an unconscious attempt to literally kill himself painfully. If
Speaker 1: this lasts for more than three hours, see your physician.
Speaker 1: But yeah, Tucker Carlson concludes, that happened. Tucker, you think
Speaker 1: that was demons? No, that was that was me, Tucker Carlson,
Speaker 1: Today's worst president in the world. Sit back and relax
Speaker 1: it relaxes the right word for it for the greatest
Speaker 1: man in the world by James Thurber. Looking back on
Speaker 1: it now from the vantage point of nineteen forty, one
Speaker 1: can only marvel that it had not happened. Long before
Speaker 1: it did. The United States of America had been ever
Speaker 1: since Kitty Hawk blindly constructing the elaborate Petard, by which,
Speaker 1: sooner or later it must be hoist. It was inevitable
Speaker 1: that someday there would come, roaring out of the skies
Speaker 1: a national hero of insufficient intelligence, background and character successfully
Speaker 1: to endure the mounting orgies of glory prepared for aviators
Speaker 1: who stayed up for a long time or flew a
Speaker 1: great distance. Both Lindbergh and Byrd, fortunately for national decorum
Speaker 1: and international amity, had been gentlemen, So had our other
Speaker 1: famous aviators. They wore their laurels gracefully, withstood the awful
Speaker 1: weather of publicity, married excellent women, usually fine family, quietly
Speaker 1: retired to private life and the enjoyment of their varying fortunes.
Speaker 1: No untoward incidents on a worldwide scale marred the perfection
Speaker 1: of their conduct on the perilous heights of fame. The
Speaker 1: exception to the rule was, however, bound to occur, and
Speaker 1: it did in July nineteen thirty seven, when Jack pal
Speaker 1: smirch erstwhile mechanics helper in a small garage in Westfield, Iowa,
Speaker 1: flew a second hand, single motored Presthabn Dragonfly three monoplane
Speaker 1: all the way around the world without stopping. Never before
Speaker 1: in the history of aviation had such a flight as
Speaker 1: Smirches even been dreamed of. No one had even taken
Speaker 1: seriously the weird floating auxiliary gas tanks invention of the
Speaker 1: mad New Hampshire professor of astronomy, doctor Charles Lewis, Gresham,
Speaker 1: upon which Smirch placed full reliance. When the garage worker,
Speaker 1: a slightly built, surly unprepossessing young man of twenty two,
Speaker 1: appeared at Roosevelt Field early in July nineteen thirty seven,
Speaker 1: slowly chewing a great quid of scrap tobacco, and announced,
Speaker 1: nobody ain't seen no flying yet. The newspapers touched briefly
Speaker 1: and satirically upon his projected twenty five thousand mile flight.
Speaker 1: Aeronautical and automotive experts dismissed the idea, curtly, implying that
Speaker 1: it was a hoax, the publicity stunt. The rusty, battered
Speaker 1: second hand plane wouldn't go, the Gresham auxiliary tanks wouldn't work.
Speaker 1: It was simply a cheap joke. Smirch, however, after calling
Speaker 1: on a girl in Brooklyn who worked in the flap
Speaker 1: folding department of a large paper box factory, a girl
Speaker 1: whom he later described as his sweet bitituty climb nonchalantly
Speaker 1: into his ridiculous plane at dawn the memorable seventh of
Speaker 1: July nineteen thirty seven, spit a curve of tobacco juice
Speaker 1: into the still air, and took off, carrying with him
Speaker 1: only a gallon of bootleg gin and six pounds of salami.
Speaker 1: When the garage boy thundered out over the ocean, the
Speaker 1: papers were forced to record in all seriousness that a mad,
Speaker 1: unknown young man his name was variously misspelled, had actually
Speaker 1: set out upon a preposterous attempt to span the world
Speaker 1: in a rickety one engine contraption, trusting to the long
Speaker 1: distance refueling device of a crazy schoolmaster. When nine days later,
Speaker 1: without having stopped once, the tiny plane appeared above San
Speaker 1: Francisco Bay, headed for New York, spluttering and choking, to
Speaker 1: be sure, but still magnificently and miraculously aloft the headlines,
Speaker 1: which long since had crowded everything else off the front page.
Speaker 1: Even the shooting of the Governor of Illa by the
Speaker 1: Valletti gang swelled to unprecedented size, and the news stories
Speaker 1: began to run to twenty five and thirty columns. It
Speaker 1: was noticeable, however, that the accounts of the epoch making
Speaker 1: flight touched rather lightly upon the aviator himself. This was
Speaker 1: not because the facts about the hero as a man
Speaker 1: were too meager, but because they were too complete. Reporters
Speaker 1: who had been rushed out to Iowa when Smirch's plane
Speaker 1: was first sighted over the little French coast town of
Speaker 1: ser Lee Lemaire to dig up the story of the
Speaker 1: great man's life, had promptly discovered that the story of
Speaker 1: his life could not be printed. His mother, a sullen
Speaker 1: short order cook in a shack restaurant on the edge
Speaker 1: of a tourists camping ground near Westfield, met all inquiries
Speaker 1: as to her son with an angry and the hell
Speaker 1: with him a hoppy drowns. His father appeared to be
Speaker 1: in jail somewhere for stealing spotlights and lap robes from
Speaker 1: tourists automobiles. His young brother, a weak minded lad, had
Speaker 1: but recently escaped from the Preston, Iowa Reformatory and was
Speaker 1: already wanted in several Western towns for the theft of
Speaker 1: money order blanks from post offices. These alarming discoveries were
Speaker 1: still piling up at the very time that Pal Smirch,
Speaker 1: the greatest hero of the twentieth century, blear eyed, dead
Speaker 1: for sleep, half starved, was piloting his crazy junk heap
Speaker 1: high above the region in which the lamentable story of
Speaker 1: his private life was being unearthed, headed for New York,
Speaker 1: and a greater glory than any man of his time
Speaker 1: had ever known. The necessity for printing some account in
Speaker 1: the papers of the young man's career and personality had
Speaker 1: led to a remarkable predicament. It was, of course, impossible
Speaker 1: to reveal the facts, for a tremendous popular feeling in
Speaker 1: favor of the young hero had sprung up like a
Speaker 1: grass fire when he was halfway across Europe on his
Speaker 1: flight around the globe. He was therefore described as a modest,
Speaker 1: chap taciturn blonde, popular with his friends, popular with girls.
Speaker 1: The only available snapshot of Smirch, taken at the wheel
Speaker 1: of a phony automobile in a cheap photo studio at
Speaker 1: an amusement park, was touched up so that the little
Speaker 1: vulgarian looked quite handsome. His twisted leer was smoothed into
Speaker 1: a pleasant smile. The truth was in this way kept
Speaker 1: from the youth's ecstatic compatriots. They did not dream that
Speaker 1: the Smirch family was despised and feared by its neighbors
Speaker 1: in the obscure Iowa town, nor that the hero himself,
Speaker 1: because of numerous unsavory exploits had come to be regarded
Speaker 1: in Westfield as a nuisance and a menace. Pal's smirch
Speaker 1: had the reporters discovered once knife the principle of his
Speaker 1: high school, not mortally, to be sure, but he had him,
Speaker 1: and on another occasion, surprised in the act of an
Speaker 1: stealing altar cloth from a church, he had bashed the
Speaker 1: sexton over the head with a pot of Easter lilies.
Speaker 1: For each of these offenses he had served a sentence
Speaker 1: in the reformatory. Inwardly, the authorities, both in New York
Speaker 1: and in Washington, prayed that an understanding providence might, however awful,
Speaker 1: such a thing seemed, bring disaster to the rusty, battered
Speaker 1: plane and its illustrious pilot, whose unheard of flight had
Speaker 1: aroused the civilized world to hosannas of hysterical praise. The
Speaker 1: authorities were convinced that the character of the renowned aviator
Speaker 1: was such that the limelight of adulation was bound to
Speaker 1: reveal him to all the world as a congenital hooligan,
Speaker 1: mentally and morally unequipped to cope with his own prodigious fame.
Speaker 1: I trust, said the Secretary of State, at one of
Speaker 1: the many secret Cabinet meetings called to consider the national dilemma.
Speaker 1: I trust that his mother's prayer will be answered, by
Speaker 1: which he referred to missus Emma's Smirch's wish that her
Speaker 1: son might be drowned. It was, however, too late for
Speaker 1: that Smirch had leaped the Atlantic and then the Pacific
Speaker 1: as if they were mill ponds. At three minutes after
Speaker 1: two o'clock on the afternoon of July seventeenth, nineteen thirty seven,
Speaker 1: the garage boy brought his idiotic plane into Roosevelt Field
Speaker 1: for a perfect three point landing. It had, of course
Speaker 1: been out of the question to arrange a modest little
Speaker 1: reception for the greatest flier in the history of the world.
Speaker 1: He was received at Roosevelt Field with such elaborate and
Speaker 1: pretentious ceremonies as rocked the world. Fortunately, however, the warren
Speaker 1: and spent hero promptly swooned, had to be removed bodily
Speaker 1: from his plane, and was spirited from the field without
Speaker 1: having opened his mouth once. Thus he did not jeopardize
Speaker 1: as the dignity of his first reception, a reception illumined
Speaker 1: by the presence of the Secretaries of War and the Navy,
Speaker 1: Mayor Michael J. Moriarty of New York, the Premier of Canada,
Speaker 1: Governor's Fannamine Groves, mcpheeley and Critchfield, and a brilliant array
Speaker 1: of European diplomats. Smirch did not, in fact come too
Speaker 1: in time to take part in the gigantic hullabaloo arranged
Speaker 1: at City Hall for the next day. He was rushed
Speaker 1: to a secluded nursing home and confined in bed. It
Speaker 1: was nine days before he was able to get up, or,
Speaker 1: to be more exact, before he was permitted to get up. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: the greatest minds in the country in solemn assembly, had
Speaker 1: arranged a secret conference of city, state and government officials,
Speaker 1: which Smirch was to attend for the purpose of being
Speaker 1: instructed in the ethics and behavior of heroism. On the
Speaker 1: day that the little mechanic was finally allowed to get
Speaker 1: up in dress and for the first time in two weeks,
Speaker 1: took a chew of tomacco, he was permitted to receive
Speaker 1: the newspaper men this by way of testing him out.
Speaker 1: Smirch did not wait for questions, use guys, he said,
Speaker 1: and the Times Man winced use, guys can tell a
Speaker 1: cock eyed world that I put it over on Lindbergh.
Speaker 1: See yeah, man an as said, I'm two frogs. The
Speaker 1: two frogs was a reference to a pair of gallant
Speaker 1: French flyers who, in attempting to flight only halfway round
Speaker 1: the world, had two weeks before unhappily been lost at sea.
Speaker 1: The Times Man was bold enough at this point to
Speaker 1: sketch out for Smirch the accepted formula for interviews in
Speaker 1: cases of this kind. He explained that there should be
Speaker 1: no arrogant statements belittling the achievements of other heroes, particularly
Speaker 1: heroes of foreign nations. Ah the hell with that, said Smirch.
Speaker 1: I did it. See I did it, and I'm talking
Speaker 1: about it. And he did talk about it. None of
Speaker 1: this extraordinary interview was, of course printed. On the contrary,
Speaker 1: the newspapers, already under the discipline direction of a secret
Speaker 1: directorate created for the occasion and composed of statesmen and editors,
Speaker 1: gave out to a panting and restless world that Jackie,
Speaker 1: as he had been arbitrarily nicknamed, would consent to say
Speaker 1: only that he was very happy, and that anyone could
Speaker 1: have done what he did. My achievement has been I
Speaker 1: fear slightly exaggerated. The Times Man's article had him protest
Speaker 1: with a modest smile. These newspaper stories were kept from
Speaker 1: the hero, a restriction which did not serve to abate
Speaker 1: the rising malevolence of his temper. The situation was indeed
Speaker 1: extremely grave for Pale's Smirch was, as he kept insisting,
Speaker 1: rare and to go. He could not much longer be
Speaker 1: kept from a nation clamorous to lionize him. It was
Speaker 1: the most desperate crisis the year the United States of
Speaker 1: America had faced since the sinking of the Lusitania. On
Speaker 1: the afternoon of the twenty seventh of July, Smirch was
Speaker 1: spirited away to a conference room in which were gathered mayors, governors,
Speaker 1: government officials, behaviorist, psychologists, and editors. He gave them each
Speaker 1: a limp moist paw, and a brief, unlovely grin, hi
Speaker 1: he said. When Smirch was seated, the Mayor of New
Speaker 1: York arose, and, with obvious pessimism, attempted to explain what
Speaker 1: he must say and how he must act when presented
Speaker 1: to the world, ending his talk with a high tribute
Speaker 1: to the hero's courage and integrity. The mayor was followed
Speaker 1: by Governor Fannmen of New York, who, after a touching
Speaker 1: declaration of faith, introduced Cameron Spottiswood, second Secretary of the
Speaker 1: American Embassy in Paris. The gentlemen selected to coach Smirch
Speaker 1: in the amenities of public ceremonies. Sitting in a chair
Speaker 1: with a soiled yellow tie in his hand and his
Speaker 1: shirt opened at the throat, unshaved, smoking a rolled cigarette,
Speaker 1: Jack Smirch listened with a leer on his lips. I
Speaker 1: get you, I get you, He cut in nastily. You
Speaker 1: want me to act like a softie? Huh? You want
Speaker 1: me to act like that? Ay, memny baby face lind
Speaker 1: big huh? Well nuts to that. See. Everyone took in
Speaker 1: his breath sharply. It was a sigh and a hiss.
Speaker 1: Mister Lindbergh began. A United States Senator purple with rage,
Speaker 1: and mister bird Smirch, who was paring his nails with
Speaker 1: a jackknife, cut in again. Boyd. He exclaimed, Oh, for
Speaker 1: God's sake, that big somebody shut off the blasphemies with
Speaker 1: a sharp word. A newcomer had entered the word the room.
Speaker 1: Everyone stood up, except Smirch, who was still busy with
Speaker 1: his nails, and he did not even glance up. Mister Smirch,
Speaker 1: said someone sternly. The President of the United States. It
Speaker 1: had been thought that the presence of the chief Executive
Speaker 1: might have a chastening effect on the young hero, and
Speaker 1: the former had been, thanks to the remarkable cooperation of
Speaker 1: the press, secretly brought to the obscure conference room. A great,
Speaker 1: painful silence fell. Smirch looked up, waved a hand at
Speaker 1: the President. How you coming, he asked, and began rolling
Speaker 1: a fresh cigarette. The silence deepened. Someone coughed in a
Speaker 1: strained way. Jesus hot, ain't it, said Smirch. He loosened
Speaker 1: two more shirt buttons, revealing a hairy chest and the
Speaker 1: tattooed word sadie enclosed in a stenciled heart. The great
Speaker 1: and important men in the room, faced by the most
Speaker 1: serious crisis in American history, exchanged worried frowns. Nobody seemed
Speaker 1: to know how to proceed. Come on, come on, said Smirch,
Speaker 1: Let's get the hell out of here. Why do I
Speaker 1: start cutting in on the parties?
Speaker 3: Euh?
Speaker 1: And when is there gonna be this in it. He
Speaker 1: rubbed a thumb and forefinger together meaningly. Money, exclaimed a
Speaker 1: state senator shocked. Pale, Yeah, money, said pal, flipping his
Speaker 1: cigarette out of the window. And big money. He began
Speaker 1: rolling a fresh cigarette. Big money, he repeated. Frowning over
Speaker 1: the rice paper. He tilted back in his chair and
Speaker 1: leered at each gentleman separately, the leer of an animal
Speaker 1: that knows its power, the leer of a leopard loose
Speaker 1: in a bird and dog shop. Ah, for God's sake,
Speaker 1: let's get someplace where it's cool, he said. I've been
Speaker 1: cooped up plenty for three weeks. Smirch stood up and
Speaker 1: walked over to an open window, where he stood staring
Speaker 1: down into the street nine floors below. The faint shouting
Speaker 1: of newsboys floated up to him. He made out his name,
Speaker 1: hot Dog, he cried, grinning ecstatic. He leaned out over
Speaker 1: the sill. You tell of babies, he shouted down, Hot
Speaker 1: Diggity Dog, and the tense little knot of men standing
Speaker 1: behind him, a quick, mad impulse flared up. An unspoken
Speaker 1: word of appeal of command seemed to ring through the room,
Speaker 1: yet it was deadly silent. Charles k. L Brand Secretary
Speaker 1: to the Mayor of New York City happened to be
Speaker 1: standing nearest smirch. He looked inquiringly at the President of
Speaker 1: the United States. The President, pale grim nodded shortly. Brand
Speaker 1: a tall, powerfully built man wants to tackle at Rutgers University,
Speaker 1: stepped forward, seized the greatest man in the world by
Speaker 1: his left shoulder and seat of his pants, and pushed
Speaker 1: him out the window. My god, he's fallen out the window,
Speaker 1: cried a quick witted editor. Get me out of here,
Speaker 1: cried the President. Several men sprang to his side, and
Speaker 1: he was hurriedly escorted out of a door toward a
Speaker 1: side entrance of the building. The editor of the Associated
Speaker 1: Press took charge. Being used to such things crisply, he
Speaker 1: ordered certain men to leave, others to stay Quickly. He
Speaker 1: outlined a story which all the papers were to agree on,
Speaker 1: sent two men to the street to handle that end
Speaker 1: of the tragedy, commanded a senator to sob and two
Speaker 1: congressmen to go to pieces nervously. In a word, he
Speaker 1: skillfully set the stage for the gigantic task that was
Speaker 1: to follow, the task of breaking to a grief stricken world.
Speaker 1: The sad story of the untimely accidental death of its
Speaker 1: most illustrious and spectacular figure. The funeral was, as you know,
Speaker 1: the most elaborate, the finest, the solemnest, and the saddest
Speaker 1: ever held in the United States of America. The monument
Speaker 1: in Arlington Cemetery, with its clean white shaft of marble
Speaker 1: and the simple device of a tiny plane carved on its base,
Speaker 1: is a place for pilgrims in deep reverence to visit.
Speaker 1: The nations of the world paid lofty tributes to little
Speaker 1: Jackie Smirch, America's greatest hero. At a given hour, there
Speaker 1: were two minutes of silence throughout the nation. Even the
Speaker 1: inhabitants of the small, bewildered town of Westfield, Iowa, observed
Speaker 1: this touching ceremony. Agents of the Department of Justice sought
Speaker 1: to that one of them was especially assigned to stand
Speaker 1: grimly in the doorway of a little shack restaurant on
Speaker 1: the edge of the tourist's camping ground just outside the town. There,
Speaker 1: under his stern scrutiny, Missus Emma Smirch bowed her head
Speaker 1: over two Hamburger steaks sizzling on her grill, bowed her
Speaker 1: head and turned away so that the secret serviceman could
Speaker 1: not see the twisted, strangely familiar leer on her lips.
Speaker 1: Spoiler alert, spoiler alert who are you? Tom Broke A
Speaker 1: spoiler alert after the fact that story is about Trump.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's right down to the horrific look on
Speaker 1: Trump's mom's face. I've done all the damage here. Thank
Speaker 1: you for listening. Brian Ray and John Phillip Shaneil the
Speaker 1: musical directors have Countdown, arranged, produced, and performed most of
Speaker 1: our music. Mister Chanelle handled orchestration and keyboards. Mister Ray
Speaker 1: was on guitars, bassed on drums, and it was produced
Speaker 1: by Tko Brothers. Our tirical and pithy musical comments are
Speaker 1: by the best baseball stadium organist ever, Nancy Faust. The
Speaker 1: sports music is the Olderman theme from ESPN two, written
Speaker 1: by Mitch Horren Davis Curtesy of ESPN Inc. Other music
Speaker 1: arranged and performed by the group No Horns Allowed. My
Speaker 1: announcer today is my friend Larry David. Everything else was
Speaker 1: pretty much my fault, including Tucker Carlson's scratches. I feel
Speaker 1: like playing the Looney Tunes theme whenever I talk about
Speaker 1: Tucker Carlson. That's countdown for today, four days until the
Speaker 1: twenty twenty four presidential election, the one three hundred and
Speaker 1: ninety sixth day since convicted felon dissociative fugue Jay Trump
Speaker 1: got away with his first attempted coup against the democratically
Speaker 1: elected government of the United States. Use the election, use
Speaker 1: the mental health system, use presidential immunity to keep him
Speaker 1: from doing it again. Well, we still have a chance
Speaker 1: to do so. The next scheduled countdown is Monday. Have
Speaker 1: fun spending the weekend holding your breath bulletins as the
Speaker 1: news requires. Till then, I'm Keith Olberman. Good morning, good afternoon,
Speaker 1: good night, and good luck. Countdown with Keith Olderman is
Speaker 1: a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.