Speaker 1: Cadine only does listen to letters because she wild nosy. Duh,
Speaker 1: you've been saying that for what nine seasons? You're not
Speaker 1: even gonna argue. I'm not gonna argue that one is
Speaker 1: the truth. Dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos without boys
Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one
Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We
Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's
Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead
Speaker 1: adds is the term that we say every day. So
Speaker 1: when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about
Speaker 1: to take phillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: Ass starts right now. Typically we don't really do a
Speaker 1: story time for listen to letters, but I feel like
Speaker 1: this story is extremely valuable before we listen to people's stories. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's about our sons. We have four, you know, Jackson
Speaker 1: Kira cast Kota right, And I've learned a lot about
Speaker 1: human behavior and people over the last eleven years. As
Speaker 1: we've had more children, you start to realize that no
Speaker 1: matter how you raise all of your kids, certain children
Speaker 1: will respond to certain things differently. And what is teaching
Speaker 1: me is to have empathy for everyone else in the world,
Speaker 1: because it don't matter how someone grew up. They may
Speaker 1: respond to something a certain way, and you don't have
Speaker 1: the right to tell them how to respond. For example,
Speaker 1: you follow us on social media, you know that recently
Speaker 1: our dog died, right, Kingston Kingston was fifteen years old.
Speaker 1: Kingston was officially the first son that we had. I
Speaker 1: bought Kingston four k in two thousand and seven when
Speaker 1: we were living in Michigan by ourselves. Long story short
Speaker 1: with um. That was the same year that Sean Taylor
Speaker 1: was murdered at a breaking at a home invasion, and
Speaker 1: he was playing in the NFL at the time. People
Speaker 1: from his you know, inside of his people thought that
Speaker 1: he was well and away game broke into the house.
Speaker 1: He happened to be there because he was on injured
Speaker 1: reserve for the rest of the year. Someone fired a
Speaker 1: gun and he was shot in the artery. I believe
Speaker 1: or he was stabbed in the artery in his leg
Speaker 1: and he ended up dying arrest in p Shawan, Taylor.
Speaker 1: But at that time I was living at in Michigan
Speaker 1: with Kadeem and we were living in fair Land across
Speaker 1: from the mall, and people knew that we lived there,
Speaker 1: and it made me kind of wonder, like, how, you know,
Speaker 1: how would I defend myself if someone thought I wasn't
Speaker 1: home and came and did it a home invasion? So
Speaker 1: I ended up buying a gun. Kadin wasn't big on guns,
Speaker 1: and she was just like, I don't want to live
Speaker 1: in a house with a gun. So I bought Kingston
Speaker 1: at the time at the time, now things have changed,
Speaker 1: not not if she has kids, she's a completely different person.
Speaker 1: When I bought Kingston, at first he was a ten
Speaker 1: pound ship too. Then I bought Achilles. Achilles a hundred
Speaker 1: forty pound mastiffs, so if anybody broke into the house,
Speaker 1: they were the odd couple. So if anybody broke into
Speaker 1: the house, they would have to deal with Achilles. Of
Speaker 1: course he's a huge mastiff. But that's just the b story.
Speaker 1: The A story is Kingston passed away, so all of
Speaker 1: our children, no Kingston, but they all grew up loving
Speaker 1: King's birthday. October one, UM, and he just turned fifteen, UM.
Speaker 1: And he died a couple of days after he turned fifteen.
Speaker 1: So he died in New York. We lived in Atlanta.
Speaker 1: He was staying with Candee's brother, Tristan. Shout out to Tristan,
Speaker 1: and he took care of great care of Kingston. And
Speaker 1: I was like, think, I gotta tell the boys. So
Speaker 1: now we go to tell the boys, and I do that, right.
Speaker 1: We had to keep my dad from telling the boys
Speaker 1: because my dad is like the Green Reaper. He likes
Speaker 1: to just tell bad news. He just doesn't with the
Speaker 1: most like straightforward way, like he doesn't cushion it. He's
Speaker 1: just like, oh yet the dog died. That's actually a
Speaker 1: good little in thing to put there for what happens
Speaker 1: after this, right, because your father's thing is with not
Speaker 1: even with just dogs, when people die. Right when his
Speaker 1: mom passed, he said, you know people day, you know
Speaker 1: they live, they have a day. These things happening happen.
Speaker 1: You want to have a drink. He invite his friends
Speaker 1: over their line. You go to work the next day,
Speaker 1: Like that's just how father is very practical, and we
Speaker 1: say I used to say all the time, like you
Speaker 1: don't have a heart. How can you just you just
Speaker 1: don't have a heart? How were you raised? Right? Cut too.
Speaker 1: We gotta tell the boys, and what I'm gonna say
Speaker 1: right now happened verbatim, no exaggeration. You know, I'll be
Speaker 1: putting a hunt it on ten, but this is no exaggeration.
Speaker 1: And everything that happened I predicted to Codeine that it
Speaker 1: was going to happen this way. Cayro and Jackson came
Speaker 1: downstairs first, and I said, let me tell these two
Speaker 1: because these two are the most emotional, right, So I said,
Speaker 1: Jackson is gonna ugly crying because Jackson is a very
Speaker 1: empathetic person. And then Cairo was going to see Jackson
Speaker 1: ugly cry and start crying because he's like, oh, if
Speaker 1: Jackson's crying, it must be important. And then cast is
Speaker 1: just gonna ask me if he can watch the thundaments
Speaker 1: like Cash is just not gonna care. Right, So they
Speaker 1: come downstairs, Jackson and Cairo, and I say, guys, I
Speaker 1: have something to tell you, and they're like, what happened?
Speaker 1: I said, Kingston passed away right, Cairo breaks out Jackson
Speaker 1: tried to be tough, right, he's looking at me shaking
Speaker 1: his head. I said, bro, your dog died. If there's
Speaker 1: any reason in the world to cry as a man
Speaker 1: as if your dog die, all right, so go ahead
Speaker 1: and cried. So he so the two of them crying.
Speaker 1: Right here comes cast drove it downstairs, comes downstairs, stands up.
Speaker 1: What happened? Cairo goes, Kingston passed away? Cat goes, No,
Speaker 1: he didn't. Kingston died because Kingston is old. And when
Speaker 1: you owe, you did dead. So Kingston died. Daddy, can
Speaker 1: we watch the thundaments? Just like that? He literally did
Speaker 1: it just like that, And the parents and me first
Speaker 1: looking at him like your little sociopath, like you have
Speaker 1: no feelings. You don't see that your brothers are going
Speaker 1: through something right now. But then I had to check
Speaker 1: myself and I had to realize, like I need to
Speaker 1: understand that everything doesn't affect everybody the same way. So
Speaker 1: let me not judge him and make him feel guilty
Speaker 1: for not feeling the same way, and just accept the
Speaker 1: fact that he is more practical when it comes to death,
Speaker 1: all right. And also and also made me realize that
Speaker 1: I need to hide all the sharp objects around cash
Speaker 1: because he has no feelings. Right, We have feelings, y'all, Okay,
Speaker 1: don't have a little easier than others. I have no
Speaker 1: feelings alone. And I say all that to say this.
Speaker 1: We're about to read these listener letters, right, So when
Speaker 1: y'all listen to these listener letters, have empathy for these people,
Speaker 1: all right, don't judge them because everybody goes through things
Speaker 1: and handle things differently. Just because someone's gonna stay in
Speaker 1: a relationship with somebody for five thousand years that they
Speaker 1: know they shouldn't be in, and right in and ask
Speaker 1: us if we think they should stay in that relationship,
Speaker 1: don't judge them. Okay, have empathy. Right. We're gonna make
Speaker 1: a joke or two, but it's coming from a very
Speaker 1: very good place. Absolutely, absolutely, So we're gonna take a
Speaker 1: quick break, absolutely, and then we have some special guests
Speaker 1: when we come and dive into these listen letters. All right, y'all.
Speaker 1: So we're gonna dive right in to my favorite portion
Speaker 1: of the show because I'm nosey as hell and i'd
Speaker 1: be wanting to know your business and you'll be writing
Speaker 1: in so I'm well within my right to read out
Speaker 1: these listener letters that we have today. Um, we dedicate
Speaker 1: usually one episode per season to just really diving into
Speaker 1: you guys, writing in and seeing what you need help with.
Speaker 1: You know what you need our two cents on and
Speaker 1: we thought it would actually be fun to bring in
Speaker 1: two special guests on the show for us today to
Speaker 1: just get their two cents. So we got two cents,
Speaker 1: We got two cents, and we got how what's the
Speaker 1: math on net six cents? How come we only got
Speaker 1: two cents where they get two cents each? Two cents?
Speaker 1: That's you gotta split our two cents because we're married,
Speaker 1: no money because we're the guests. Extra sense. Yeah, there
Speaker 1: we go. All right, So that's about six cents we
Speaker 1: have today, y'all. Okay, not like the movie though. UM.
Speaker 1: Here to help us get Reasonably shady with these inness
Speaker 1: the letters are two of the stars of the Real
Speaker 1: Housewives of Potomac and hosts of the podcast Reasonably Shady,
Speaker 1: Giselle Bryant and Robin Dixon. Welcome, ladies, Thank you. It's
Speaker 1: such a pleasure to be here with you all. You
Speaker 1: all are beautiful and amazing, So thank brav It's beautiful
Speaker 1: and just so beautiful that we're sharing. I hear a
Speaker 1: makeup artist Robin and Giselle Nellie. Yes, I know. Once
Speaker 1: I saw she started working with you ladies, I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, the canvas though, these canvases are beautiful.
Speaker 1: It can buy. I wouldn't know, head right, canvases sounds awesome.
Speaker 1: So we're so sweet and had a good time for
Speaker 1: this weekend. I love that. I know you guys have
Speaker 1: been super busy. Bravocn is out the way. Um, you're
Speaker 1: just making a bunch of appearances. How did that go? Insane?
Speaker 1: I have never been as I feel like my voice
Speaker 1: is hoarse, like I've never been so tired in my life.
Speaker 1: But it was. But but it was like so exhilarating.
Speaker 1: I told like I told my husband. I was like,
Speaker 1: I feel like I felt like Michael Jackson, like walking
Speaker 1: through the mention because the fans would just like they
Speaker 1: would see you and they start running after you and
Speaker 1: screaming and you know, trying to get a selfie. And
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, this is insane. You know,
Speaker 1: we're used to people wanting to take a picture of us,
Speaker 1: but when you put thirty of them in one building,
Speaker 1: it's off the hook. But it was. It was awesome.
Speaker 1: And then to see all the other Bravo talent and
Speaker 1: you know, you don't know them, but you know them
Speaker 1: because because you're all are on the same network. It
Speaker 1: was really cool. It's always it's always nice to know
Speaker 1: that people are watching, you know, because we do the
Speaker 1: show and we just carry on, but people are watching,
Speaker 1: they're invested, they love it, they love all of our craziness.
Speaker 1: So it was just nice to be up close and
Speaker 1: personal with people that know every scene from season one,
Speaker 1: they can recide it back to us. That's a great
Speaker 1: it's a great feeling. So that's a question. What made
Speaker 1: you guys decide to get into the podcast? Lane, Oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, that was all Robin. So we were in
Speaker 1: the COVID in the pandemic or the ers, and we
Speaker 1: really didn't have anything to do, and Robin was like,
Speaker 1: let's get on Instagram live and just so we did
Speaker 1: that a couple of times and people would comment and say,
Speaker 1: you know, you guys should have a podcast. And Robin
Speaker 1: called me and was like, girl, we need to have
Speaker 1: a podcast. And I was like, okay, Now, Robin and
Speaker 1: I have never listened to our podcast, and so we
Speaker 1: didn't even Yeah, we didn't even know what we're getting
Speaker 1: ourselves into, but we were like, let's do it, and um,
Speaker 1: it's been great. Yeah, and it's it's been really cool
Speaker 1: because on our podcast, like we don't talk about the show.
Speaker 1: We would love to talk about the show, especially while
Speaker 1: it's airing, but we really don't talk about the show.
Speaker 1: So the listeners are really able to get to learn
Speaker 1: us even better. Um because on the show, you you know,
Speaker 1: you only see but so much of our lives and
Speaker 1: our personalities and all that. So um on the podcast,
Speaker 1: I mean, they they you know, right in and they're
Speaker 1: just like, oh my gosh, y'all are so funny. I
Speaker 1: feel like, y'all are my girlfriends. You know, people look
Speaker 1: at me crazy because I'm walking down the street cracking up.
Speaker 1: And so it's been you know, rewarding for us to
Speaker 1: hear from people because they love you know, it's like
Speaker 1: they're connecting with us on a on a deeper level
Speaker 1: and not a show level. Absolutely. Who came up with
Speaker 1: the name reasonably shady? Who came up with that name?
Speaker 1: Because Robin? That was because I didn't know how got shady.
Speaker 1: I didn't know that I'm lying. I'm within reason, Okay,
Speaker 1: within reason, Yeah, And I'm so I'm technically I'm generally
Speaker 1: the reasonable one. Like I'm always trying to find the
Speaker 1: good in something, or I don't jump to conclusion. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to wait till I see all sides of a
Speaker 1: story to really, you know, give my give my opinion.
Speaker 1: So I'm the reasonable one. That is the shady one.
Speaker 1: She is instantly, doesn't matter what it is. She's junk shady.
Speaker 1: I love that. It's a perfect age. Yeah, but but
Speaker 1: I still have shady in me. But I'm I have
Speaker 1: reasonable shade. She's just shady. Love that I love. That
Speaker 1: sounds like the perfect marriage because over here we have
Speaker 1: our fair share shade shade. Earlier, talking about my air
Speaker 1: pods was dusty because I don't want to to use
Speaker 1: my interpods. They were dusty. They had a bunch of air.
Speaker 1: Sometimes your wife just be your biggest d You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying as I closed my air podcast, like,
Speaker 1: don't look at mine either. Alright, y'all, let's jump into
Speaker 1: these listeners. Letters. So I always tell people when y'all
Speaker 1: write in, first of all, don't send me two sentences
Speaker 1: and expect me to make up the rest of the story.
Speaker 1: So then now they took that ship to heart and
Speaker 1: they'd be writing these long dissertations, so be prepared. At
Speaker 1: least we'll hopefully have enough context to be able to
Speaker 1: give them what they need. Okay, you want to read
Speaker 1: the first one. I read the first one. Alright, go
Speaker 1: for it. Here we go. Good evening. I'm in the Navy.
Speaker 1: This year. I've decided that I'm done. I will not
Speaker 1: re enlist and keep doing something I don't love. I've
Speaker 1: been in it for ten years and my current contract
Speaker 1: ends in two I have things I don't I have
Speaker 1: things I want, I want done before the day comes,
Speaker 1: and I have plans for whatever gets done after. I've
Speaker 1: had a few girlfriends during my time in the Navy,
Speaker 1: but no relationship over a couple of months, and all
Speaker 1: of them approached me first. I'm excited to start the
Speaker 1: rest of my life, and I would like to have
Speaker 1: a good woman to do it with. But I am
Speaker 1: hilariously inexperience and approaching women. My question is where do
Speaker 1: I begin to start when it comes to building that
Speaker 1: confidence to break the ice and asking her out on
Speaker 1: a date when I see a woman worth it? Uh
Speaker 1: So this is a good question because he's able. He
Speaker 1: was able to get a woman's experience, three women's experience,
Speaker 1: and then a man's experience. So I'll let you ladies
Speaker 1: go first. How could he work on building his confidence?
Speaker 1: I love to see a picture due because you know
Speaker 1: it starts right. You know, we could say it, bro,
Speaker 1: you need to like hair, you need to wear better clothes. Um.
Speaker 1: But if it's just like, you know, a conversation. I
Speaker 1: always find that a joke always wins. So if he
Speaker 1: could come to her with like something that's funny and
Speaker 1: she laughs, Yeah, I was. That was my first thought
Speaker 1: as well. But I mean it has to be a
Speaker 1: good joke, right, But I mean I'm wondering. So he's
Speaker 1: us he's saying the women come to him all the time.
Speaker 1: It's like he's saying the women women come to him him. Okay,
Speaker 1: let me let me just tell the dudes out here
Speaker 1: you know that that are scared or shot to approach women. Listen,
Speaker 1: you just gotta understand you're going to get shot down.
Speaker 1: You might get shot down ten times and then that
Speaker 1: twelfth time. You know, the eleventh time, you're you're going
Speaker 1: to win. Because I've shot down a many of guys
Speaker 1: and they just take the punches and they keep on
Speaker 1: moving and they go on to the next and you
Speaker 1: see him, you know, he might be in a party.
Speaker 1: You see them work in a party. They get shot
Speaker 1: down again, you can see them. And then finally somebody
Speaker 1: I hate. Yeah, I hate to break it to them,
Speaker 1: You're you gotta just go for it because you will
Speaker 1: get rejected. You're gonna get shut down. People are not
Speaker 1: gonna have time, they don't want to talk whatever. But
Speaker 1: you're going to find that person that will connect with you.
Speaker 1: So you just gotta try. Yeah, I would have to
Speaker 1: say the biggest thing is understanding that people's quote unquote
Speaker 1: rejection doesn't have anything to do with you. You know,
Speaker 1: most of the time, people have their own things they're
Speaker 1: going on, and they project whatever they're going on in
Speaker 1: that day on people. So if someone says, no, I'm
Speaker 1: not interested, that doesn't mean that you're not a good person.
Speaker 1: You may one not be that person's preference or to
Speaker 1: that person could be having a bad day or three.
Speaker 1: Like you said, that person could not be having time
Speaker 1: for me. What I tell my young men that I
Speaker 1: mentor what I'm telling my sons is you gotta just
Speaker 1: focus on being the best version of you and be
Speaker 1: confident when you woke up to a woman. It don't
Speaker 1: matter if you got on suspenders, if you got on
Speaker 1: the tuch seed though, if you got on a naval outfit.
Speaker 1: If you woke up confident with your shoulders back and
Speaker 1: your head high and you got a nice joke, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, She's gonna violitely be laughing, Kiki.
Speaker 1: But if you walk in all like small, like you're
Speaker 1: you're not sure, that's the quickest way to turn the
Speaker 1: woman off if you don't seem sure. Yeah, usually insecurity
Speaker 1: insecurities can speak really loudly when you're just approach to someone.
Speaker 1: So a lot of times, like when you said, I
Speaker 1: want to see what he looks like, I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: of course, because it's like the approach, the energy that
Speaker 1: he brings before he even opens his mouth. A lot
Speaker 1: of times that has something to say about it, right, Yeah.
Speaker 1: You know what I think would be helpful is if
Speaker 1: guys just get straight to the point. I hate that
Speaker 1: little stupid small talk when they're trying to like pretend
Speaker 1: like they're not trying to talk to you, but trying
Speaker 1: to see if you're going to like give him an opportunity.
Speaker 1: Just get straight to the point and be like, you
Speaker 1: know what, I spotted you. I think you're beautiful. Um,
Speaker 1: is there an opportunity for us to get to know
Speaker 1: one another, Like, just get straight to the point before
Speaker 1: I like stupid. Uh I want to say, I like
Speaker 1: stupid small talk, because yeah, I'm telling you, one thing
Speaker 1: you should do is go get stuff as a man
Speaker 1: and start approaching women and just being like, hey, I
Speaker 1: think you're attractive. Can we go on a date? They're
Speaker 1: gonna be like, uh, that was that I would get
Speaker 1: all their numbers. Listen, my brother, My brother and I
Speaker 1: look exactly the same, and women think he is so handsome,
Speaker 1: so I would get all their numbers. I bet you.
Speaker 1: I bet you. You You don't approach him, like that's the
Speaker 1: really I don't, And you know, and maybe it's because,
Speaker 1: like I've always been in a relationship and I'm like, dude,
Speaker 1: you're really wasting your time talking to me, like get
Speaker 1: to the point. So maybe it's because like I'm not
Speaker 1: even like I'm really not trying to talk to you.
Speaker 1: And if you're sitting here doing all this little stupid
Speaker 1: small talk when you're just trying to get my number,
Speaker 1: like just beat it, you know what I mean. That's
Speaker 1: my perspective. And I haven't been in a relationship for
Speaker 1: a hundred years, like robbing, And so when I approached,
Speaker 1: I like all into the small talk because I got
Speaker 1: I like small talk because I feel like small talk
Speaker 1: and tell you a lot about a person. Absolutely can
Speaker 1: tell you whether they're they're witty, whether they're smart, whether
Speaker 1: you know you can have a long term conversation with them. Um,
Speaker 1: so I'm here for the small talk game. So that's
Speaker 1: gonna be my tip for guys. Get your small talk
Speaker 1: on a point, get that thing on point. Listen. I
Speaker 1: ain't even gonna lie. Small talk does for us. It's
Speaker 1: the same thing when we're evaluating a woman, right, It
Speaker 1: starts with looks. Of course you attracted you you approach
Speaker 1: someone you're attracted to. But when you start the small talk,
Speaker 1: if she can't hold the conversation either, A lot of
Speaker 1: men are kind of like she's pretty, but and'll let
Speaker 1: you know which category she falls in, right, because if
Speaker 1: she's the pretty girl who can't have small talk, who
Speaker 1: doesn't seem intelligent, then you might get a date and
Speaker 1: whatever after the date. But then if you find, yeah,
Speaker 1: you get smash and that's it. But if you wom
Speaker 1: it's like, wow, she really intrigued me mentally. It's like,
Speaker 1: you know what, let me go on another date. Let
Speaker 1: me see if this is the type of woman that
Speaker 1: I could spend the rest of my life with. So
Speaker 1: small talk is important, but they in no small talks
Speaker 1: dating smash that one. Well, good luck to this young man.
Speaker 1: I love when guys right into because I feel like, listen,
Speaker 1: letters are always usually like heavily women writing in. But
Speaker 1: when the guy's writing and I'm like, okay, they're they're
Speaker 1: they're taking a stab at trying to be a better,
Speaker 1: better gentleman. Right, So let's dive into the second one.
Speaker 1: Oh lord, child, this one long, this sense just like
Speaker 1: a story. All right, Hey, getting into vow. My husband
Speaker 1: and I have been together since two thousand thirteen, so
Speaker 1: that's nine years married in two thousand, eighteen four years.
Speaker 1: My husband is currently a stay at home dad, and
Speaker 1: I provide financially. I grew up in a household environment
Speaker 1: where the women did a lot of the work and
Speaker 1: always put everyone first and didn't ask much for themselves.
Speaker 1: As long as their husband and children were happy, They
Speaker 1: were happy. I've been accustomed to this, and I feel
Speaker 1: like this is how I'm supposed to be as a woman.
Speaker 1: I don't ask for help. If I need something high
Speaker 1: I'm only five ft, I just get something to knock
Speaker 1: it down, or a step school one, because I'm usually
Speaker 1: faster at doing that. And too, I don't want to
Speaker 1: inconvenience my husband to have him stop what he's doing
Speaker 1: or make him get up when he's relaxing right now.
Speaker 1: We're also on a budget, so I'll let my husband
Speaker 1: and child get their wants and needs, and I don't
Speaker 1: ask for much. My husband says it makes him feel
Speaker 1: like I don't need him because I do everything myself.
Speaker 1: I don't ask him to help or allow him to
Speaker 1: buy me things. The things he wants to buy me
Speaker 1: are usually more his style and more pricedier than I
Speaker 1: would spend because I don't see the worth in it.
Speaker 1: For example, a fifty is nail polished bottle. I'm perfectly
Speaker 1: fine buying a five to tend five to ten different
Speaker 1: colors of a cheaper brand because they're gonna chip off anyway.
Speaker 1: He says, since he's not providing financially, he feels inadequate
Speaker 1: and me asking him for help or allowing him to
Speaker 1: buy me things would make him feel like he's at
Speaker 1: least contributing to my happiness. But she's still buying stuff
Speaker 1: on her home money though. I don't get that right
Speaker 1: because he's to say, at home dad, he's not working.
Speaker 1: How do I break out of the habit and mentality
Speaker 1: of I got this or I don't want to inconvenience him,
Speaker 1: so I don't ask. I've always been independent and if
Speaker 1: I do something, I'll figure it out. If I can't
Speaker 1: do something, I'll figure it out. How do I allow
Speaker 1: him to do these things without losing my own independence?
Speaker 1: Another part of me doing things on my own is
Speaker 1: my childhood environment. The women did everything to take care
Speaker 1: of their men, and they didn't have to lift a finger.
Speaker 1: I want my husband to feel needed and wanted, but
Speaker 1: also want to keep my independence and self worth in
Speaker 1: knowing I don't need anyone to take care of me.
Speaker 1: Thank you for your advice and your inspiring podcasts and family.
Speaker 1: M hmmm, lady, look at your one thing. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: talking about yourself. You're gonna know what her answer. Just
Speaker 1: end our body language. Now, this this is really good. Though,
Speaker 1: This is really good because I think that, you know,
Speaker 1: society has shifted a little bit and that there are
Speaker 1: more women making more money than men, right, and we
Speaker 1: do feel as women a sense of independence and a
Speaker 1: sense of strength from that. Um. But that is not
Speaker 1: good for a relationship. I think. I think a man
Speaker 1: feels them emasculated. I think that let him go on
Speaker 1: about that fifty dollar mail polished, which I've never seen before.
Speaker 1: By the way, I'm very intrigued by saying I haven't
Speaker 1: even said that same, but like, let's right, let let
Speaker 1: him buy that and be happy and excited that he's
Speaker 1: doing that for you, even though you feel like it's
Speaker 1: a waste of money. Um, But you got to give
Speaker 1: the man something that he feels like he's in charge,
Speaker 1: that he is contributing, that he is doing something to
Speaker 1: make him his lady feel, um, a sense of security,
Speaker 1: and that he is making her happy. Like you know,
Speaker 1: I am the biggest independent woman on earth. And I've
Speaker 1: learned later in life that I gotta like make up
Speaker 1: shipped to like allow to God to feel like helping
Speaker 1: me out, even I fee himself. But I gotta give
Speaker 1: it to him anyway so that they feel like they're contributing. Um.
Speaker 1: So I get where she's coming from, but like, let
Speaker 1: him be a man, just let him do it. I mean,
Speaker 1: first of all the fact that he's but the fact
Speaker 1: he's to stay at home dad, I think like that's
Speaker 1: a major contribution. So I think you should probably maybe
Speaker 1: um acknowledge that a lot with him, you know, just
Speaker 1: like reinforce that, tell him, you know how important he
Speaker 1: is to to her the family, and and she can't
Speaker 1: do what she does without him being a stay at
Speaker 1: home dad. Like, so she's got to like pump his
Speaker 1: his ego up in that sense. Um, I get what
Speaker 1: she I get where she's coming from. Where she's like,
Speaker 1: I just do it myself because I'm the I'm that
Speaker 1: type of person. I'm like, if I want something, I'm
Speaker 1: do it. I don't I don't need, you know, anyone
Speaker 1: to do things for me because I'm gonna figure out
Speaker 1: how to do it. Um, But I do think, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: she just needs a let she needs to let him
Speaker 1: lead and he can. She needs to let him if
Speaker 1: he wants to treat our nice, let him treat our nice.
Speaker 1: But mostly like she just needs to just pump his
Speaker 1: head up and just tell him how important he is
Speaker 1: to um just the daily, you know, being able to
Speaker 1: do what she does. She can't do what she does
Speaker 1: without him taking care of their kids. So what I
Speaker 1: wonder though, is is she genuinely happy in herself being
Speaker 1: this for their family, Because it doesn't read that she's
Speaker 1: just like, this makes me so happy to be of
Speaker 1: service to my husband in this capacity and do all
Speaker 1: of this for my family. She's saying it more like
Speaker 1: she's been conditioned to do this because this was the
Speaker 1: norm that she grew up in. So it doesn't read
Speaker 1: and here at all that the reason why I'm doing
Speaker 1: this is because it just is so fulfilling for me,
Speaker 1: and it makes me so happy to do it. It's
Speaker 1: giving more just like that's just what I've seen growing up. Well,
Speaker 1: this is this is what I believe. I feel like
Speaker 1: even in this generation, Like Gesell said, earlier, society has changed. Right,
Speaker 1: socio economically, things are way different. The women she why
Speaker 1: growing up probably weren't out earning their husbands. So those
Speaker 1: women might have been stayed at home moms or might
Speaker 1: have worked part time, so their contribution was to do
Speaker 1: everything for their husband that their husband was out working
Speaker 1: a nine to five or twelve hour days. But when
Speaker 1: your husband is home with the kids and then you
Speaker 1: come home and tell him I'm gonna take her everything.
Speaker 1: So she's been out working a nine to five and
Speaker 1: then she has to come home. That's a difference a
Speaker 1: different socio economic system that women are existing and in
Speaker 1: today's time, for example, you can't ask a woman to be,
Speaker 1: for example, an old school type of woman if you
Speaker 1: don't provide old school values right and old school values
Speaker 1: are provided that a man goes out and work in
Speaker 1: a man, a woman stays at home if she wants to.
Speaker 1: Like for example, in our household, I earn more than
Speaker 1: enough money for both me and my wife to not work,
Speaker 1: but my wife wants to work. So when she works,
Speaker 1: she works. She wants to make her own money. She
Speaker 1: makes her own money. But since I provided her with
Speaker 1: the opportunity some of the traditional things that I want
Speaker 1: in a wife, that when I come home, she doesn't
Speaker 1: have a problem doing it because she feels a freedom
Speaker 1: and comfort. Asking a woman to do both both be
Speaker 1: an earner and be a homemaker when she gets home
Speaker 1: to me is just unfair. And I think for him,
Speaker 1: that feeling of inadequacy comes from naturally feeling like, wait
Speaker 1: a minute, what am I doing here? I'm gonna stay
Speaker 1: at home dad. Plus when my wife comes home, she
Speaker 1: doesn't need me either. She does everything like and and
Speaker 1: she really can't talk him out of feeling that way.
Speaker 1: He would have to get his ass up and do
Speaker 1: something like. I feel like all people just need their
Speaker 1: own purpose that man or woman like, everybody needs their
Speaker 1: own purpose. And it's not on your partner to make
Speaker 1: to tell you like, hey, you're everything I need. Now
Speaker 1: you gotta figure out who you are on your own,
Speaker 1: or she always gonna feel inadequate. So I just think
Speaker 1: he needs to work on his self esteem a little bit,
Speaker 1: and she needs to be this this was from her
Speaker 1: or from him, This is from yeah, So she needs
Speaker 1: to tell him go get a job, get a job
Speaker 1: the kids. Look, you know, you know I'm not mad
Speaker 1: at that. I'm not mad at that. If you want
Speaker 1: to buy me mes nail polish, right, go get a
Speaker 1: job so you can buy me nail polishy with your money.
Speaker 1: If I'm working my ass off and then I come
Speaker 1: home to take care of you, and then you said
Speaker 1: you want to make me feel better about getting money
Speaker 1: from me to buy me stuff real quick Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: what's the pen like, you know what I'm saying. It
Speaker 1: didn't Yeah, it didn't sound like she was complaining though
Speaker 1: that I'm wondering, she's just right. He's complaining, complaining if
Speaker 1: she's right, If she's right, and then she is complaining
Speaker 1: like if she's right, and then she is complaining. But
Speaker 1: I'm waiting for the resentment to start to build. At
Speaker 1: some point, there's going to be some resentment building for sure.
Speaker 1: But Robin did have a point. No, No, I was
Speaker 1: just gonna say, if I'm working, i come home, I'm resentful.
Speaker 1: You have to get up and be doing about something.
Speaker 1: Make that helf busy. Yes, I'll feel you that. I
Speaker 1: feel you in that Kadena and I have gone through
Speaker 1: do that thing where it's just it's just whoever's out
Speaker 1: for the day, and when they come home and that
Speaker 1: person is just home, you just be looking at them.
Speaker 1: Why you just descread it though, to stay at home parent,
Speaker 1: because we know what it's like to sit at home
Speaker 1: and be with kids home all day. Like it looks
Speaker 1: as if I'm home and I'm coming I'm crazy, I'm
Speaker 1: sleeping all day, But no, I'm running after kids and
Speaker 1: doing household ship. You know what I'm saying that she
Speaker 1: did she say did she said? She said my husband
Speaker 1: and child. I let my husband and child. One was
Speaker 1: my argument. I want her to never write in again. Okay, ridiculous.
Speaker 1: Robin had a point though. Robin's point was, it doesn't
Speaker 1: sound like she's complaining, right, it doesn't sound like she's
Speaker 1: like she doesn't have a problem with herself, but her
Speaker 1: husband is the one with the problem. So let's just
Speaker 1: think about this, right, just think about it. Psychologically, she's
Speaker 1: the one that goes to She's the one that feels
Speaker 1: like she has to give them everything they want, and
Speaker 1: now she feels like she has to fix her husband.
Speaker 1: There is something there. She's not complaining, but there is
Speaker 1: something if she feels she sees all the things that
Speaker 1: are wrong, and she's asking us to tell her, you
Speaker 1: know how we can fix this. But now, so your
Speaker 1: husband stays at home and he wants the money to
Speaker 1: buy you gifts, and now he has a problem with
Speaker 1: he feels inadequate. That there's something wrong there. Now there's
Speaker 1: something she's not complaining, but she's pointing it out. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she's complaining. He's leaving something out. But it's definitely It's
Speaker 1: definitely deep, and I think as the longer goes on,
Speaker 1: it's going to be frustrating for both of them. It's better,
Speaker 1: it's better for her to let go let him do
Speaker 1: some things around the house. But also it's something to
Speaker 1: get a job. Yes, yeah, it's just I want to
Speaker 1: see my man providing and feeling that sense of security
Speaker 1: and comfort and just on, okay, man, did the check clear?
Speaker 1: That's what I want to you know, I do that.
Speaker 1: I do that sometimes just to like to like get
Speaker 1: her all excited. I go up, I go outside and
Speaker 1: I opened up like the hood of the car, and
Speaker 1: I just rubbed my hands on everything so it would
Speaker 1: get dirty. And then I just come back in the
Speaker 1: house like you just had to fix the carburetor. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: we have an electric we haven't electric cars, so there's
Speaker 1: nothing under there. I like a husband that can look
Speaker 1: at that wiping my hands on that for us. Okay,
Speaker 1: number three this is this is a novel here all right.
Speaker 1: Hello Codeine and Devout. First and foremost, I wanted to
Speaker 1: say that I love you guys so much and we
Speaker 1: love you too. Thank you. You two are really amazing
Speaker 1: in your podcast has really helped me live a better
Speaker 1: life for myself, and it's giving me different aspects for
Speaker 1: how to raise my child. So thanks for that. I
Speaker 1: thank you. You're so welcome, my monkey. To start off
Speaker 1: this story. Whenever, whenever someone puts off the start off
Speaker 1: this story, you know this is about to be wild.
Speaker 1: To start off the story. I really need help with
Speaker 1: my relationship. I don't know what to do, and there's
Speaker 1: so much to say, but I'm gonna try to give it.
Speaker 1: Give you the shortest version. Okay, she's already two paragraphs
Speaker 1: and we know nothing. My husband and I have been
Speaker 1: together for five years, married for four short time. I know, right,
Speaker 1: but I think we have come to the end of
Speaker 1: our role in our relationship. The damage has been done.
Speaker 1: We have been to three counselors and still can't get
Speaker 1: it right. I think it's him, he thinks it's me,
Speaker 1: someone on, and so forth. She's very, very articulate and
Speaker 1: extremely colorful with his writing. The disrespect between these past
Speaker 1: few arguments leaves current convos short and sometimes just unresolved.
Speaker 1: We barely have sex maybe once or twice a month.
Speaker 1: I'm just not in the mood anymore. I feel like
Speaker 1: I've been hurt so many times. And I don't feel
Speaker 1: like I can be vulnerable with him anymore. It seems
Speaker 1: like I'm living with my enemy. I've tried everything, guys,
Speaker 1: but I'm the only one who seems to be putting
Speaker 1: any actual effort to try to make changes, and I
Speaker 1: get nothing from him. He huffs and puffs every time
Speaker 1: I try to talk, and we'll say whatever he wants
Speaker 1: to hurt me and lashes out from time to time.
Speaker 1: On top of that, no conversation ever gets finished because
Speaker 1: if he doesn't like what I said, he gets up
Speaker 1: and walks away. Damn, it doesn't matter if she's still going, wow,
Speaker 1: I already got it. What's happening here? Uh? It doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: If I come to him with some respect, watch my
Speaker 1: tone or lower my voice, I get the same results.
Speaker 1: He was really interested in counseling and told me that
Speaker 1: he didn't believe in it, which makes me feel like
Speaker 1: the three counselors were a waste of time. Nor was
Speaker 1: he really an active participate in our sessions either. The
Speaker 1: situation has been going on for almost two years. They've
Speaker 1: only been married for four years. We never go out
Speaker 1: as a couple of our family stopped like yo yo,
Speaker 1: let me tell you something about Gazelle. Gazelle laugh, she's
Speaker 1: going full hard, She's gonna Okay, I'm sorry. I feel
Speaker 1: resentment because how he treated me in the beginning, as
Speaker 1: beginning has all changed. He used to be the sweetest guy.
Speaker 1: I'm talking demand of my dreams. I thought I wouldn't
Speaker 1: ever want to be with anyone else in the world.
Speaker 1: This is until I moved in with him and realized
Speaker 1: who he truly was. But now I feel like he
Speaker 1: knows that he's got me, and he thinks I probably
Speaker 1: won't go anywhere, But I'm starting to think otherwise. We
Speaker 1: have a baby together, he's almost two, and I don't
Speaker 1: want to separate our household and raise myself alone. I
Speaker 1: can't even afford it if I wanted to. I'm twenty six.
Speaker 1: I'm twenty six and he's thirty one, and I've been okay, oh,
Speaker 1: I have an okay paying job. But you know, when
Speaker 1: you're from New York or you're from New York and
Speaker 1: oh man, that's tough. And she said that Jersey Rent
Speaker 1: be busted. That is, by the way, But back to
Speaker 1: the story. We're going back to the story. Oh wow, okay, um,
Speaker 1: what's her question? I really have strong thoughts about being
Speaker 1: with someone else. I know there's someone out there that
Speaker 1: would treat me better and not degrade or continuously disrespect me.
Speaker 1: Our last convo was the final straw. I have had
Speaker 1: brain fog from COVID, intends to stutter and can't think
Speaker 1: of words the same conversations, and he made sure that
Speaker 1: he laughed at me, that's fucked up, made fun of
Speaker 1: the fact that I fight this nick let me not
Speaker 1: even going there, made fun of the fact that I
Speaker 1: couldn't speak, and told me that this is my sister.
Speaker 1: He get hands put on him, I should get my
Speaker 1: ship together and then come to him. I was hurt.
Speaker 1: Guy's honestly hurt. I know the damage has been done
Speaker 1: on both sides. I am far from perfect. Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna read it. She still has a lot good.
Speaker 1: She wants to know should I leave, should I stay?
Speaker 1: What should I do? I really wish I could stay,
Speaker 1: she said, would I'd be wrong for telling him that
Speaker 1: I think an open marriage would be the best thing
Speaker 1: for us at this point or for me? Or should
Speaker 1: I follow divorce and deal with the consequences and call
Speaker 1: it a day. Oh my gosh. Okay, I know that's
Speaker 1: a lot, Like what do you do when you truly
Speaker 1: feel like there's nothing left? Well? In open marriage? And
Speaker 1: as she was reading, I was like, could just leave
Speaker 1: and then pop in, Oh we have a two year old?
Speaker 1: Oh we lived together. I can't afford the rent is
Speaker 1: expensive And that's where that's her problem. It's like she's
Speaker 1: I think if you didn't have the child, if you didn't,
Speaker 1: if you weren't able to live on your own, then
Speaker 1: you would have been gone. So you yeah, and and
Speaker 1: what you what she's dealing with right now? Like it's
Speaker 1: only going to get worse. Clearly, you've been at three counselors.
Speaker 1: It's only going to get worse. You have a child.
Speaker 1: Your child doesn't need to be raised in an environment
Speaker 1: like that. So I'm sorry she's gonna have to in
Speaker 1: my opinion, following hard times, Yeah, she gotta like it's
Speaker 1: it sucks. I don't you know. We don't want to
Speaker 1: promote divorce and all that. We want to keep our
Speaker 1: families together. But this is not going to get any better.
Speaker 1: She's gonna be miserable, it's gonna get worse. We don't
Speaker 1: want it to get to a point where it's extremely
Speaker 1: toxic and you have a child, So do what you
Speaker 1: can do and figure out how to help to get
Speaker 1: out of there and file for divorce. This what I mean.
Speaker 1: She can say if she wants to, but she can stay.
Speaker 1: But he left a long time ago. Okay, mentally and emotionally,
Speaker 1: that brother been gone, So it's over. Get your baby
Speaker 1: and bounce. It's a ratter, and figure out how to
Speaker 1: financially make it, make it work. I mean, I'm sure
Speaker 1: you've got a mama, a grandmama, us and somebody you
Speaker 1: can stay with until you can get yourself financially on
Speaker 1: your feet. Um. I mean, this is a no brainer, girl, Bounce, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I would. I would have to say, you know, the
Speaker 1: first thing is realizing that they've only been married for
Speaker 1: four years. A lot of times people just look at
Speaker 1: time and be like that so long, I've invested so much.
Speaker 1: And then she has to get rid of that shame
Speaker 1: of getting divorced. Right, there's nothing wrong with getting a divorce.
Speaker 1: Most people stay in a marriage because they're like, I
Speaker 1: don't want to be shamed by saying I got a divorce.
Speaker 1: But they think it's feeling. But to be honest, feeling
Speaker 1: is staying in a relationship where you're underappreciated and being abused.
Speaker 1: Like these small things right here start off as that
Speaker 1: type of abuse till that type of abuse isn't enough,
Speaker 1: and then it gets to be more. When someone openly
Speaker 1: wants to make fun of you or degrade you or
Speaker 1: make you feel like you're less than that's how abuse starts.
Speaker 1: And then with that no longer works because at some
Speaker 1: point she's gonna get used to that and ignore it.
Speaker 1: That's when the abuse goes to another level. And I've
Speaker 1: seen it so many times and so many of the
Speaker 1: men and women, and I've I've talked to that. It
Speaker 1: always starts somewhere and you can see it coming and
Speaker 1: you say, oh, they'll change if I do more. And
Speaker 1: the more you do, the worst they get. I know.
Speaker 1: The old school approach is like, you know, wait till
Speaker 1: you're married to move in. But that's why I'm a
Speaker 1: proponent for living with somebody before you get married and
Speaker 1: you make that final final decisions. Because she said everything
Speaker 1: was fine her dreams till they moved in, and then
Speaker 1: what happens. You're representative that you've representing to this woman
Speaker 1: the entire time can no longer sustain a living situation.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying now, the real persons don't
Speaker 1: come to pass, and it's just like ship. If I
Speaker 1: had known that living with him was gonna be like
Speaker 1: this and this is how life was going to be,
Speaker 1: I might not even married his ass to begin with.
Speaker 1: I also got to say this though, baby, And let's
Speaker 1: not forget they only dated for a year before they
Speaker 1: got married too, so they barely know each other when
Speaker 1: they got married. But I'm doing a math. She got pregnant,
Speaker 1: they got married. The baby is about babies about two years. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they got married, Well, they've been married for four years.
Speaker 1: For four years, Okay, fine, my math was wrong. My
Speaker 1: math was wrong. But if you think about it, it's
Speaker 1: like they were dating for a year, got married, got pregnant, right,
Speaker 1: You really didn't know this person. And babies change relationships
Speaker 1: even people. For example, K and I were together for
Speaker 1: eight years before we had Jackson, and having Jackson completely
Speaker 1: changed the dynamic of our relationship. And this was a
Speaker 1: woman that I had known for eight years. Imagine you
Speaker 1: don't know somebody and they get pregnant and then you
Speaker 1: move in. It's like you've taken all the varials that
Speaker 1: are possible all those variables and put them in one situation.
Speaker 1: It's almost a recipe for disaster. So, and she got married.
Speaker 1: You know, she said she's twenty six, So she got
Speaker 1: married when she was twenty two. So you really didn't notice. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you really didn't notice yourself. You can't know. He's right,
Speaker 1: you did, she didn't know. She didn't know him. You
Speaker 1: were way too young to be getting married at two
Speaker 1: years old. I'm like, and and I want to give
Speaker 1: her some um encouragement and optimis optimistic, you know, just guidance,
Speaker 1: Like life evolved, it changes. You grow so much and
Speaker 1: so yes you're twenty two, but you have so much
Speaker 1: growing to do, so don't feel like you're stuck. Like,
Speaker 1: just look at this experience. Um, you know if it
Speaker 1: if it ends, and it doesn't end, well just look
Speaker 1: at it as a learning lesson. It's something to just
Speaker 1: add to your life story, you know. So, Um, but
Speaker 1: if you stay imagine if you stay in this relationship
Speaker 1: for ten more years and you stuck and you're you know,
Speaker 1: it's toxic. You can't grow, you can't. So yeah, just
Speaker 1: it's kind to move on. And you don't like her
Speaker 1: any more anyway. So it's open. He don't, like, there's
Speaker 1: no way any any man that would openly just laugh
Speaker 1: at their significant other, who's who's obviously going through something
Speaker 1: like brain fog from COVID and stuttering. Like I like
Speaker 1: to laugh at everybody, right, I love to laugh, But
Speaker 1: I would never laugh at my wife and she's going
Speaker 1: through something that firstly trying to hurt her feelings. He
Speaker 1: might just be the one pushing her out, because you do.
Speaker 1: Sometimes the person that wants a divorce sometimes doesn't want
Speaker 1: to be the one to initiate it. So it's almost
Speaker 1: as if he seems like he's pushing all these buttons
Speaker 1: for her to pull the trigger. Just pug. He's thirty one,
Speaker 1: which means he got married when he was twenty five. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: like he was one. You got a lot of life,
Speaker 1: a whole lot of life, mama. Do what's best for
Speaker 1: you and your baby. Go find your piece, being a
Speaker 1: healthy relationship. And you're right if you're twenty six, there's
Speaker 1: plenty of men out there who would be like, hey,
Speaker 1: what's up, mama. They're going to start small talk with you,
Speaker 1: except if you run into robbing. Robin ain't on small
Speaker 1: Robin gonna walk right up to you and be like,
Speaker 1: what's up with you need your kids? Why are you
Speaker 1: both here to the bar? Why are you both here
Speaker 1: in the bar? You're the kid. See, I'm ready to
Speaker 1: throw this next Lets this next letter out because it
Speaker 1: starts with hello uncle Devala auntie KK. First of all,
Speaker 1: I ain't y'all what I'm not your aunt. You can
Speaker 1: call me sis, but I'll be making me feel some
Speaker 1: kind of way like y'all trying to put me in
Speaker 1: a certain age bracket. Let me slain something to you. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be honest. We're going to the next You'll
Speaker 1: can't do that to people, ma'aw. I mean, I like
Speaker 1: the term of endearman. But let's say listen, del and
Speaker 1: sis thek There we go, There we go. You could
Speaker 1: be old. I'm not gonna be old. Are you on TikTok? Ladies?
Speaker 1: Are y'all on TikTok? Yeah? You're not on TikTok. You
Speaker 1: know why I'm not on TikTok. I tried to get
Speaker 1: on TikTok. My head starting hurt. It was too much
Speaker 1: stuff going on over there. Yeah, the kids that was
Speaker 1: on there was between fifteen and twenty two. And all
Speaker 1: of those kids could be my kids. So when they
Speaker 1: have to TikTok, you gotta jump in and jump out.
Speaker 1: It's not for your it's not for age. You're right
Speaker 1: to stay on it longer than fifteen seconds an assumption
Speaker 1: for me. Yeah, that's time spend. I guess, I mean,
Speaker 1: I guess we're approaching. If you're on the Instagram Facebook group,
Speaker 1: they're gonna call you auntie that we're Instagram Facebook. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So you you are uncle owning
Speaker 1: you as auntie? Then alright, alright, niece all r. Let
Speaker 1: me see what my niece gotta say today. Y'all. I
Speaker 1: think it's a girl. Are we talking to? I just
Speaker 1: want to start by saying thank you for every episode
Speaker 1: you've ever created. This is music to my ears, my
Speaker 1: everyday ears. My fiance and I have been together since
Speaker 1: high school, which will be nine years on November six,
Speaker 1: for two years all right now. We've recently bought a
Speaker 1: new house and we have one kid together, one on
Speaker 1: the way. He's literally my best friend and I couldn't
Speaker 1: see our lives without each other in it. Don't get
Speaker 1: me wrong. We've gone through some bad time where we
Speaker 1: just didn't know if we could make it, but we did.
Speaker 1: We're planning to get married next year, but when we
Speaker 1: got pregnant, we really couldn't afford a wedding, which was
Speaker 1: what we both wanted. I know you talked about if
Speaker 1: you guys can get married again, you would do it differently.
Speaker 1: What's some advice that you we should take? Just to say,
Speaker 1: I do I hope to get a chance. Oh sorry, child,
Speaker 1: I hope you get a chance to read my letter.
Speaker 1: And I can't wait to see you live again in Philly.
Speaker 1: So what's some advice that we should take into consideration?
Speaker 1: I guess before they say I do. So. So my
Speaker 1: first wedding was in two thousand five and we had
Speaker 1: four people there and it was the time of my life.
Speaker 1: It was amazing. We had so much fun, so many memories.
Speaker 1: It was great. But I would never do it again.
Speaker 1: So you know, now, intimate weddings to me are very nice. Um.
Speaker 1: I had an intimate wedding. Um, but like three receptions
Speaker 1: and then were was just stupid. But um, can you
Speaker 1: know you gotta explain that. Don't don't bloss over that
Speaker 1: why we had three receptions? I got to know quirement
Speaker 1: to Okay, So I got married to this guy's a
Speaker 1: pastor of a church, so he wanted a reception for
Speaker 1: the church. So that was Lottie Dottie and everybody that
Speaker 1: was probably like five people. Yeah, okay, So I just
Speaker 1: felt like I felt like, because I had the intimate
Speaker 1: wedding um, the ceremony, I didn't mind doing all the
Speaker 1: other receptions because I had like that personal intimate moment,
Speaker 1: which was important to me because I think a lot
Speaker 1: of times when people think about weddings, they're thinking about
Speaker 1: everyone else, like we're having to a peace. When Valin
Speaker 1: I got married, we were the first on either side,
Speaker 1: you know, first like niece and nephew, first grandchild, like
Speaker 1: we were the first to get married. So all the
Speaker 1: excitement was around us getting married. So we had a
Speaker 1: smooth people at our wedding, and the day was never
Speaker 1: do that again and never in life. I was like,
Speaker 1: I don't even know, I don't even know care to know,
Speaker 1: like half of the people that was there, maybe just
Speaker 1: a percentage of them that I still talked to, I
Speaker 1: would never do that again. And at that point for
Speaker 1: us too, it was like people said, you know, Devot
Speaker 1: gave me pretty much an option. He said, do you
Speaker 1: want a house or do you want a wedding? And
Speaker 1: I was like, well, I want both. Say that though
Speaker 1: she said, she said, you know, I really want to
Speaker 1: winning as you're a girl. You put the pillow cans
Speaker 1: in your head and you talking about being a bride.
Speaker 1: And that's when I dreamed of my own time and
Speaker 1: my whole line. I didn't quite said like she said.
Speaker 1: She wanted this wedding so bad. And this is the
Speaker 1: funny part. We had already owned the property in Michigan.
Speaker 1: When I was playing ball, we bought a house, so
Speaker 1: in her defense, we already owned two properties. So but
Speaker 1: we were living in an apartment in We were living
Speaker 1: an apartment in Brooklyn because I had got cut, so
Speaker 1: we were living in an apartment in Brooklyn. And I
Speaker 1: said to her, we buy a brownstone in Brooklyn, or
Speaker 1: we would have to live in this apartment for five
Speaker 1: years while I rebuild so that we can do something
Speaker 1: else with the resources. And she said, I don't mind
Speaker 1: staying in this apartment. It's really really nice. I like
Speaker 1: it here, ladies, ladies. The minute we came back from
Speaker 1: the honeymoon, she sat on the edge of the bed
Speaker 1: right and I was just like, what's what's the matter?
Speaker 1: Tears come down her eyes. I don't want to stay
Speaker 1: in this apartment. I was like, really, our wedding course
Speaker 1: the worst investment, the worst investment I have ever made
Speaker 1: in my life. But I will say this, I will
Speaker 1: say this, we had the time of our life and
Speaker 1: we ended up getting the wedding we wanted and we
Speaker 1: have the house we wanted. So we got both. It
Speaker 1: just didn't happen on the time she wanted it to
Speaker 1: happen or I wanted to happen. And in between the
Speaker 1: time from getting the wedding in the house, it was very,
Speaker 1: very difficult, Like financially we were we were trying to
Speaker 1: make ends meet, Like it was just a poor investment.
Speaker 1: We were in mid twenties, like we just had no
Speaker 1: clue about what we were doing, and we thought we
Speaker 1: knew everything. So my advice to them would be think
Speaker 1: about the marriage, not the wedding. If you focus on
Speaker 1: the marriage, you'll make a decision that will last more
Speaker 1: long term. Sinse Yeah, because going into it, it seems
Speaker 1: like they have a pretty solid, healthy situation going on here.
Speaker 1: It's just a dilemma over this whole wedding thing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree, and I've I've seen beautiful images of small,
Speaker 1: intimate weddings that looked like they're full of love. You
Speaker 1: make sure you have the people that you really really
Speaker 1: really love and wanted to be there, and you know
Speaker 1: they were able to keep keep it out of really
Speaker 1: small budget. And so I think, you know, a lot
Speaker 1: of people get caught up in the whole like, oh,
Speaker 1: I want this big wedding to please other people, like
Speaker 1: you said, and you gotta realize like, no, this, you
Speaker 1: gotta be smart and big long term and realize that
Speaker 1: you know, you don't have to please other people, but
Speaker 1: you can also have a beautiful wedding that you had
Speaker 1: to create memories, long lasting memories, and you'll be happy
Speaker 1: with So yeah, so true. People in search of the
Speaker 1: Instagram mob moments. Yeah, if you have money to waste,
Speaker 1: you have money to waste, money to barn, then fall out,
Speaker 1: have your big wedding with people that you're not gonna
Speaker 1: talk to ever beginning life. Fall out. But if if
Speaker 1: that's not how you're living, which is obviously these people
Speaker 1: that wrote, then you really have to be mindful about
Speaker 1: what matters, and what matters is you and him, that's it.
Speaker 1: And the and the babies. M that's that's what matters.
Speaker 1: So make it makes sense as it relates to people
Speaker 1: that love you for a lot. Yeah, I've seen some
Speaker 1: really cute when it's like Devo's best friend and his wife.
Speaker 1: Now they up and went to Italy, just the two
Speaker 1: of them, and she had a beautiful gown. He was
Speaker 1: in like a tailor custom tux. They had an efficiant,
Speaker 1: they had a photographer, a videographer out on the Amalfi
Speaker 1: coast and the flowers. That's I'm speaking it and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna say this too, right, I'm gonna put to rest
Speaker 1: the stigma that when it comes to weddings that it's
Speaker 1: only women who want to have a big wedding. Because
Speaker 1: remember what he talked about what people wanted to do,
Speaker 1: things real big. I'm people, I'm people. The minute Case
Speaker 1: said to me she wanted to have a big wedding,
Speaker 1: I was like, all right, so because your ego as
Speaker 1: a man is fine. All my boys playing ball, what
Speaker 1: they have for their wives. They had how many courses?
Speaker 1: We want fourteen courses, we want fourteen courses. And it
Speaker 1: was just like Mr Ellis, you show I see the positive, baby,
Speaker 1: whatever you want you can get. So here, I am
Speaker 1: trying to be big ball and not having the money
Speaker 1: because my ego wouldn't allow me to say that. I couldn't.
Speaker 1: You know, I had to downsize my wedding. So it's
Speaker 1: not only women fellas. We fall into that too, And
Speaker 1: I was definitely victim of trying to keep up with
Speaker 1: the Joneses at that moment, and I regretted it afterwards.
Speaker 1: Were really invested to I was just like, what's the
Speaker 1: what's the wedding color is going to because my favorite
Speaker 1: color is red? It should be red. And I was like,
Speaker 1: I was like, why we care? Like you're really invested
Speaker 1: that much of this wedding and he's like, well, if
Speaker 1: I'm paying for that ship, you gotta be red. I
Speaker 1: was like, okay, so harm whispering to the wedding planner
Speaker 1: the red doesn't go with my yellow. What are we
Speaker 1: going to make this work? I was? I was a
Speaker 1: little bit of a diva. Red drawers, my guy, get
Speaker 1: you some red drawing a day? Well, ship, speaking of
Speaker 1: calling it a day, it looks like we're gonna have
Speaker 1: to wrap with you guys soon. I think we're coming
Speaker 1: to up. I know, Triple just gave me the the
Speaker 1: group chat. We got to get to the end of
Speaker 1: this um. But I would love to have y'all back.
Speaker 1: I think we were doing We were just on the
Speaker 1: tip of the iceberg of getting good with some other
Speaker 1: stuff here too. So yeah, scratching the surface and we
Speaker 1: love to crush over event let us know for sure.
Speaker 1: But if y'all come to reasonly shadey, I'll have to understand,
Speaker 1: it's nothing but shade. I love. I like shady. Actually,
Speaker 1: I think it's fun. I guess for the sake of
Speaker 1: our our people who normally listening, we had to code
Speaker 1: it with love. But we do agree we like in
Speaker 1: the moments of shade. So if we have somewhere we
Speaker 1: can unleash the shade, I'm I'm with it. Our whole
Speaker 1: podcasts came built of shading. We shaded each other like
Speaker 1: we we told each other about each other for the
Speaker 1: first four seasons and we didn't ingesting and love, but
Speaker 1: we definitely was shading each other. This is definitely like that,
Speaker 1: this podcast. I don't know how it's been for you guys,
Speaker 1: but it's definitely been like therapy for us. We usually
Speaker 1: have discoveries every episode, like I didn't even know you
Speaker 1: thought that, or like who are you again? Like this
Speaker 1: person you know about things some delustional every day every day.
Speaker 1: But we love y'all so much, Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Let everybody know where we can find your podcast, where
Speaker 1: they can find you your show, what you have going on?
Speaker 1: Go ahead and drop that plug. Yes recently Shady podcast.
Speaker 1: We download episodes or upload episodes every Monday. But we
Speaker 1: were on any anywhere you can catch your your podcast, Apple, Spotify,
Speaker 1: all that good stuff, um, Instagram at recently show your
Speaker 1: podcast what else and catch us on And we're also yeah,
Speaker 1: we're also on Patreon so um recently on Patreon, so
Speaker 1: both check that out. And yes, every Sunday, eight o'clock
Speaker 1: on Bravo TV, The Real Housewives, The Potomac whichever, whichever.
Speaker 1: I'm not even gonna lie. I'm not even gonna lie.
Speaker 1: I don't have time to watch TV right, but after
Speaker 1: meeting you guys like this, it does make me want
Speaker 1: to watch you on TV because I want to see
Speaker 1: because I'm like, I got a chance to actually see y'all.
Speaker 1: So y'all are both really sweet, and I know the
Speaker 1: Housewives they always be going at each other. I don't
Speaker 1: want to see what does l say to fuck somebody down,
Speaker 1: because I don't know Robin. Robin is going to be
Speaker 1: the one. Like listen, guy, she didn't mean it like that.
Speaker 1: That's not exactly how she meant that. She might have
Speaker 1: said your breath stink, but she didn't mean it like that.
Speaker 1: And she didn't mean your baby was ugly. She didn't
Speaker 1: mean it. She said it. Lord, check it out. You
Speaker 1: should definitely watch. We're very entertaining and you're gonna learn
Speaker 1: a lot about both of us. But okay, that just out. Yeah,
Speaker 1: the Shady was not least. We have a I am
Speaker 1: that's for not least. We have a live show, a
Speaker 1: reasently should Shady Love show in New York November twenty six.
Speaker 1: So it's that Thanksgiving weekend. So after you eat that
Speaker 1: turky on Thursday, then on Saturday at City Winery, we
Speaker 1: are going to have our Lives show. So you're all
Speaker 1: in town, come check us out. Beautiful. That would be
Speaker 1: so dope. Absolutely, I can't wait to sit with y'all
Speaker 1: again and chat some more. But we're gonna let you
Speaker 1: go for now. Thank you all for joining us. Thank
Speaker 1: you you guys. Sorry, thank you to each and every
Speaker 1: one of you who have written into our listener letters,
Speaker 1: and you know, even if you haven't been selected yet,
Speaker 1: keep writing, keep sending, because I'm sure at some point
Speaker 1: we will definitely get to your letter. And if you
Speaker 1: want to be featured as a listener letter and you
Speaker 1: have not written in yet, email us at dead as
Speaker 1: Advice at gmail dot com. That's right, that's D E
Speaker 1: A D A S S A D V I C
Speaker 1: E at gmail dot com. All right, I'm on a
Speaker 1: truth time after getting the Giselle and Robbin's perspective on
Speaker 1: these listener letters. I hope you guys found some of
Speaker 1: the advice helpful this time around. I guess my moment
Speaker 1: of truth is that you know, no one can really
Speaker 1: tell y'all what to do in these situations. I mean,
Speaker 1: it's fun for us to listen and to maybe offer
Speaker 1: a different perspective, but ultimately, you have to live in
Speaker 1: that body of yours. You have to live in those situations.
Speaker 1: You have to live in that life. You have to
Speaker 1: put your head on that pillow at night and and
Speaker 1: be we hope content at the very least with the
Speaker 1: life that you're living. So that being said, I guess
Speaker 1: you can take our stuff with a grain of salt,
Speaker 1: or you can take it with the hole enchilada. Hopefully
Speaker 1: you're doing what makes you happy first and foremost facts.
Speaker 1: And I'm just gonna say you right, And I want
Speaker 1: to add this, being reasonably shady or dead ass can
Speaker 1: be extremely healthy because once you take the sugar off
Speaker 1: the coating and you've got to deal with the hard truth,
Speaker 1: sometimes that's the best medicine, right to take the sugar off.
Speaker 1: That's cute. Take the sugar off the dry ass cupcake
Speaker 1: because the cupcakes be dry sometimes? Are you gonna remix
Speaker 1: my saying? I just said it off the flip? It
Speaker 1: was a mic drop. Why you had to remix my joints?
Speaker 1: Cute though, But I just made me think of like
Speaker 1: the times when you've had like the icing on the
Speaker 1: cake and the cake be dry. Are you hungry? Are
Speaker 1: you hungry? Hungry? I think it's lunchtime, y'all, because it
Speaker 1: is my moment of truth and you're trying to remix
Speaker 1: my moment of truth. Now we're talking about pastry. Come on, now,
Speaker 1: ellis that was reasonably shady? Well, you know what you
Speaker 1: should do? Then go on social media and find us
Speaker 1: at dead as the Podcast before I go take this
Speaker 1: lunch break, and you can find me at Cadeen I
Speaker 1: Am and I Am Devout. And if you're listening on
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review, and subscribe dead
Speaker 1: Ass and keep writing in. We'd love to hear from y'all.
Speaker 1: We love you, Thank you all so much. Dead Ass
Speaker 1: is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and
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Speaker 1: a Thing