WEBVTT - Lani: Authenticity as an In-Betweener 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:02.040 I hope I do cringe it some of the things 0:00:02.040 --> 0:00:05.000 I say today because I hope that I keep growing 0:00:05.040 --> 0:00:08.680 and changing. You know, this is who I am today, 0:00:08.680 --> 0:00:11.960 with the information I have today, with the experiences I 0:00:12.000 --> 0:00:15.040 have today. I love that quote that we just heard 0:00:15.080 --> 0:00:18.920 from my friend Lonnie. She is so comfortable with changing, 0:00:19.000 --> 0:00:22.119 and yet while she says that, she's also incredibly grounded 0:00:22.160 --> 0:00:25.320 in herself in the present. I think that's one of 0:00:25.360 --> 0:00:28.920 the most beautiful things about Lonnie is that she's constantly 0:00:29.280 --> 0:00:34.920 allowing herself to grow. Lonnie and I met back in 0:00:35.159 --> 0:00:40.680 about two thousand seventeen while I was performing a solo 0:00:40.840 --> 0:00:45.199 piece and she was photographing the event. When you see Lonnie, 0:00:45.240 --> 0:00:47.520 she's like one of the coolest people in the room 0:00:47.680 --> 0:00:52.160 kind of thing. She is not that tall, but feels tall, 0:00:52.360 --> 0:00:54.960 you know, like she's got that energy that's super tall, 0:00:55.280 --> 0:01:00.000 super present. She's tattoos on her arms, on her legs, 0:00:59.840 --> 0:01:02.880 she's got a couple of face tattoos. Even the moment 0:01:03.000 --> 0:01:05.319 I got off stage, she came up to me and 0:01:05.560 --> 0:01:08.880 introduced herself. I make friends very easily because I'm willing 0:01:08.920 --> 0:01:11.600 to just say, hey, I like you, we should be friends. 0:01:11.640 --> 0:01:13.360 And I have literally said that to adults. In the 0:01:13.440 --> 0:01:16.400 last year, probably in the last month. You were one 0:01:16.440 --> 0:01:18.360 of the first people who I met who was just 0:01:18.440 --> 0:01:20.760 like super direct. Yeah, and I like to give that. 0:01:21.000 --> 0:01:23.800 I love giving a compliment to somebody on the street. 0:01:24.000 --> 0:01:26.319 There's so much joy in that, and it's free, and 0:01:26.440 --> 0:01:30.800 we can just be loving and kind to people. I 0:01:30.880 --> 0:01:35.880 was just like, WHOA, this person just lives very authentically, 0:01:36.000 --> 0:01:38.200 or at least that's what I perceived even early on. 0:01:38.840 --> 0:01:44.319 I think sometimes we think of confident people and loving 0:01:44.440 --> 0:01:50.240 and outgoing people and we don't necessarily consider everything that's 0:01:50.320 --> 0:01:52.800 led them to that place. And some of the most 0:01:53.040 --> 0:01:57.160 brilliant lights have been through the darkest times. Something that 0:01:57.240 --> 0:02:00.720 jumps out to me is Lonnie not only dealt with 0:02:00.760 --> 0:02:03.760 a lot of outward forces of perception, but she was 0:02:03.840 --> 0:02:07.840 also often unseen and had to make decisions for herself 0:02:08.360 --> 0:02:11.360 in order to move forward in her own life. No 0:02:11.400 --> 0:02:13.440 one was going to save her. You're going to hear 0:02:13.480 --> 0:02:16.120 things from her youth, from her teenage years, and her 0:02:16.160 --> 0:02:19.840 adulthood and all the things that have made her who 0:02:19.880 --> 0:02:23.800 she is in her strength, her power, and her joy. 0:02:24.120 --> 0:02:26.639 Just as a warning, we are going to talk about 0:02:26.880 --> 0:02:31.360 abuse and sexual violence. Briefly in this episode, So please 0:02:31.400 --> 0:02:34.600 take care of yourself the way you need to. Welcome 0:02:34.639 --> 0:02:38.600 to When You're Invisible. My name is Maria Fernande. In 0:02:38.639 --> 0:02:41.600 today's world, we love to tell stories about people who 0:02:41.680 --> 0:02:44.560 have reached the top, like people who have achieved positions 0:02:44.560 --> 0:02:48.320 of cloud wealth power. On this show, I won't be 0:02:48.360 --> 0:02:51.720 doing that. When You're Invisible is my love letter to 0:02:51.720 --> 0:02:55.560 the working class and others who are seemingly invisible in 0:02:55.560 --> 0:02:59.240 our society. Helped to build a community here that will 0:02:59.280 --> 0:03:02.080 inspire you to have generous conversations with others that are 0:03:02.080 --> 0:03:06.079 different from you, conversations that might help you see life 0:03:06.240 --> 0:03:14.280 in an entirely different way. What was young Lonnie like? 0:03:14.600 --> 0:03:18.239 Where did she come from? This is like an incredible, 0:03:18.400 --> 0:03:22.280 full human who has this pursuit of authenticity with kindness 0:03:22.280 --> 0:03:26.080 and generosity that I'm like, what was the origin? My 0:03:26.200 --> 0:03:32.280 grandparents on my mother's side are Southern Baptist Christian missionaries. 0:03:32.760 --> 0:03:34.640 My mother she was in Korea from the time she 0:03:34.720 --> 0:03:37.280 was four until she was fourteen with my grandparents. She 0:03:37.400 --> 0:03:41.680 was the oldest of six. They adopted to have Korean boys. 0:03:42.120 --> 0:03:45.000 Then they came back to the States and she went 0:03:45.040 --> 0:03:48.360 back at twenty four and was there from thirty four. 0:03:48.440 --> 0:03:51.680 She's white. The background is like Irish Scottish, but she 0:03:51.880 --> 0:03:55.080 was raised with so much Korean culture, spoke Korean fluently. 0:03:55.680 --> 0:03:58.160 She was a midwife and Korea. She worked with expats there, 0:03:58.680 --> 0:04:01.880 She dated Korean men, and she got pregnant with me 0:04:01.920 --> 0:04:04.320 at eight and had me at twenty nine, and she 0:04:04.400 --> 0:04:06.840 knew the person that she was having me with was 0:04:06.880 --> 0:04:08.440 not going to be a part of my life in 0:04:08.480 --> 0:04:13.600 that way. They had dated whatever casually. I think I'm 0:04:13.640 --> 0:04:16.240 like a diet for him. Fail I expeculate this is 0:04:16.320 --> 0:04:18.920 what happened. No, I think she told me at some point. 0:04:18.960 --> 0:04:20.880 I just don't remember for sure. I could be wrong, 0:04:20.920 --> 0:04:23.440 but anyways, she didn't put him on the birth certificate. 0:04:23.560 --> 0:04:26.160 She knew that it was not going to be something 0:04:26.200 --> 0:04:29.080 that was okay in his world. It was a very 0:04:29.120 --> 0:04:31.640 big deal that I wasn't going to be fully Korean 0:04:31.680 --> 0:04:34.000 and that he had gotten a white woman pregnant. Basically, 0:04:34.120 --> 0:04:36.279 and still to this day, there's only one person that 0:04:36.320 --> 0:04:39.839 knows about me in his world, one person in forty 0:04:39.920 --> 0:04:45.440 years wild that's it. Have you met his sister? Have 0:04:45.520 --> 0:04:48.159 you met him? I have met him. He has children 0:04:48.160 --> 0:04:51.839 that are probably late teens, early twenties. Now he got 0:04:51.880 --> 0:04:56.320 married later, so you know, it was weird. I was like, 0:04:56.520 --> 0:04:58.440 how am I supposed to grow up and look like anybody? 0:04:58.440 --> 0:05:01.559 Because there's nobody that looks like Race played a huge 0:05:01.600 --> 0:05:03.560 part in my life, Like, right off the back, had 0:05:03.600 --> 0:05:06.000 I been Korean, it might have been very different, right. 0:05:06.040 --> 0:05:08.160 It was a very big deal that I wasn't going 0:05:08.200 --> 0:05:10.160 to be fully Korean and that he had gotten a 0:05:10.200 --> 0:05:14.360 white woman pregnant basically, and so did you grow up 0:05:14.400 --> 0:05:17.159 in Korea? So I lived there till I was about six. 0:05:17.320 --> 0:05:19.040 Then we moved to d C. And we lived there 0:05:19.040 --> 0:05:21.400 for a couple of years. My mom had a boyfriend there. 0:05:21.839 --> 0:05:25.600 I traveled all over Asia as a kid. I had 0:05:25.800 --> 0:05:28.560 an incredible childhood in the sense that I lived so 0:05:28.640 --> 0:05:31.560 many places before I was even ten years old. I 0:05:31.600 --> 0:05:33.919 got to see so many different cultures. I got to 0:05:34.000 --> 0:05:38.080 see true poverty and be a part of life in 0:05:38.160 --> 0:05:40.839 such a different way than we live it in America. 0:05:41.040 --> 0:05:43.400 I got to see like a dentist on the side 0:05:43.400 --> 0:05:47.039 of the street in Pakistan doing dental work and that 0:05:47.160 --> 0:05:50.240 was just normal. And I was left alone a lot 0:05:50.360 --> 0:05:54.440 to like play and imagine, and I wasn't heavily guarded. 0:05:54.480 --> 0:05:57.719 I just did ship, and that's something I feel like 0:05:57.760 --> 0:06:01.159 we miss out on as children here because of like 0:06:01.279 --> 0:06:04.279 safety concerns and this and that. So I got to 0:06:04.320 --> 0:06:06.520 live in Hawaii on a farm. I got to live 0:06:06.600 --> 0:06:09.880 in Pakistan during the Gulf War. It was that like. 0:06:10.120 --> 0:06:12.400 I was there with my grandparents. They were on a mission. 0:06:13.400 --> 0:06:16.640 It was beautiful. I remember the way that the lightning 0:06:16.640 --> 0:06:18.840 would hit the mountains and they would all light up. 0:06:19.160 --> 0:06:23.640 I got to see really incredible things. I can't speak 0:06:23.680 --> 0:06:26.080 for all people. I just know that I don't believe 0:06:26.120 --> 0:06:30.240 in going to other countries and telling them that their 0:06:30.240 --> 0:06:34.240 culture and their religion is wrong and that they're going 0:06:34.279 --> 0:06:36.120 to go to hell, you know what I mean. It's 0:06:37.839 --> 0:06:40.480 their job. That was their job, and they believed deeply 0:06:40.480 --> 0:06:43.279 and passionately about it. Do I agree with how I 0:06:43.320 --> 0:06:45.839 got there or why I was there, No, of course not. 0:06:46.120 --> 0:06:49.400 Even as a small child, it was very confused by 0:06:49.440 --> 0:06:53.480 all of it. I would get left with my grandparents 0:06:53.520 --> 0:06:56.800 for three months at a time, which is unusual at 0:06:57.080 --> 0:06:59.280 seven eight years old, and I think with all of 0:06:59.320 --> 0:07:02.800 that ability to travel and see the world, I'm grateful 0:07:02.839 --> 0:07:06.000 for in some ways, but it also left me with 0:07:06.040 --> 0:07:09.320 the desire first stability, a home base. I have never 0:07:09.360 --> 0:07:12.040 lived in a place for more than three years. To 0:07:12.200 --> 0:07:14.360 this day, I've lived in New York for eleven years, 0:07:14.480 --> 0:07:17.560 but I have never lived in one dwelling, one space 0:07:17.640 --> 0:07:21.080 for more than three years. So having that experience as 0:07:21.080 --> 0:07:23.920 a kid, whether it was changing schools constantly, having to 0:07:23.960 --> 0:07:27.360 make new friends constantly, which all gave me personality traits 0:07:27.360 --> 0:07:29.600 that I have today, I relate to that a lot 0:07:30.000 --> 0:07:33.080 because I spent summers with my family in Mexico. My 0:07:33.120 --> 0:07:35.760 parents would ship us partially because they are like, we 0:07:35.800 --> 0:07:38.320 don't know about our visa situation, so if you ever 0:07:38.360 --> 0:07:40.920 had to leave with us to go to Mexico, we 0:07:40.920 --> 0:07:44.520 don't want you completely fish out of the water struggling. 0:07:45.240 --> 0:07:48.800 So I spent time in Mexico, and then we moved 0:07:48.920 --> 0:07:52.720 from Ithaca. And in Ithaca we had three different spaces, 0:07:52.920 --> 0:07:55.520 so I was there until always seven. We moved around 0:07:55.560 --> 0:07:59.320 three times and then always apartments, and then when we 0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:02.160 moved to Minneso, it was another three homes. And then 0:08:02.280 --> 0:08:04.280 I moved to New York, and then in New York, 0:08:04.320 --> 0:08:08.000 I've had like how many places, which is an adult right? 0:08:08.160 --> 0:08:10.560 As an adult, it's insane and so like something to me, 0:08:11.040 --> 0:08:14.280 I've always been like grateful for like the ability to 0:08:14.360 --> 0:08:17.600 have seen some of the world in a different way, 0:08:17.640 --> 0:08:19.920 But there's a feeling of being more of a nomad 0:08:19.960 --> 0:08:23.160 than having roots. And I think there's also for us, 0:08:23.200 --> 0:08:25.560 there was a lot of financial insecurity, and so even 0:08:25.600 --> 0:08:27.520 though there was a lot of travel, some of it 0:08:27.560 --> 0:08:30.920 was work for my mom, some of it was childcare 0:08:31.000 --> 0:08:34.160 for my mom, And I think that anxiety that she 0:08:34.320 --> 0:08:36.960 felt definitely came down to me too. And at some 0:08:37.040 --> 0:08:40.040 point she built her business in Seattle and she's done 0:08:40.040 --> 0:08:44.280 actually really well for herself now and it's amazing to see. 0:08:44.440 --> 0:08:47.679 But yeah, I think that definitely affects that feeling of 0:08:47.800 --> 0:08:51.320 like are we going to be okay versus just we 0:08:51.360 --> 0:08:54.160 know we're okay. And I think that that has played 0:08:54.559 --> 0:08:57.360 and does play into how we manage money and live 0:08:57.400 --> 0:09:01.080 our lives as adults. Remember travel, laying as an adult 0:09:01.080 --> 0:09:02.800 for the first time and only being able to like 0:09:02.840 --> 0:09:06.920 afford ninety nine cent bread and tomatoes for nutrition, and 0:09:07.040 --> 0:09:10.200 being in hostile and then realizing I'm like my parents 0:09:10.360 --> 0:09:13.560 made it seem like we were super stable and like 0:09:13.600 --> 0:09:16.199 we had spam sandwiches every single day of the road. 0:09:16.200 --> 0:09:19.920 Trip and cereal. My grandmother was notorious for stealing like 0:09:20.160 --> 0:09:23.720 bread and having a jar of nutella in her purse. 0:09:23.920 --> 0:09:25.880 I remember one time I was thirteen, we were in 0:09:25.920 --> 0:09:29.440 Amsterdam and we split one piece of pizza between the 0:09:29.480 --> 0:09:31.920 three of us, and then my grandma had this packet, 0:09:31.960 --> 0:09:37.040 like the sugar packet of like soup with hot water. Yeah. 0:09:37.400 --> 0:09:41.079 Getting to talk to Lonnie about our economic situations felt 0:09:41.120 --> 0:09:45.600 really good because there's some similarities between our upbringings that 0:09:46.080 --> 0:09:49.240 I haven't really vocalized too many people before. Both of 0:09:49.320 --> 0:09:52.600 us also relate on the facts that depending on where 0:09:52.640 --> 0:09:56.280 we were, our race was perceived differently and our ethnicity 0:09:56.320 --> 0:10:00.640 was perceived differently. Honestly, we wouldn't have thought about our 0:10:00.720 --> 0:10:03.600 race the way we do had it not been for 0:10:03.640 --> 0:10:06.640 other people putting their perceptions on us. So just thinking 0:10:06.679 --> 0:10:08.480 about it too, I'm like, you grew up with like 0:10:08.600 --> 0:10:11.679 your white side of the family, and then they were 0:10:11.720 --> 0:10:15.240 from the South Mobile Alabama, So what is that like 0:10:15.400 --> 0:10:17.880 being biracial with that? The race thing is weird because 0:10:17.880 --> 0:10:21.080 it's both sides. Like I was rejected from my Korean 0:10:21.120 --> 0:10:25.160 side and then I was fetishized and sexualized and abused 0:10:25.559 --> 0:10:29.040 by my white side. For my Korean side. My grandfather 0:10:29.120 --> 0:10:32.680 fetishized half Korean kids, so that was a thing. So 0:10:32.960 --> 0:10:36.120 I do not speak to anybody on that side of 0:10:36.120 --> 0:10:37.880 my family except for my mother. At this point in 0:10:37.880 --> 0:10:41.119 my life. I want to take a moment to acknowledge 0:10:41.160 --> 0:10:44.920 the fact that Lonnie does mention her abuse. We don't 0:10:44.920 --> 0:10:48.800 get into it, and I think it's important sometimes to 0:10:48.880 --> 0:10:51.640 give people the space not to dwell on it. We're 0:10:51.720 --> 0:10:54.679 just going to allow it to breathe and just acknowledge 0:10:54.720 --> 0:10:56.760 that it's part of the fabric of who she's become 0:10:56.800 --> 0:11:01.200 as a person, and ultimately she's connecting it back to 0:11:01.440 --> 0:11:05.760 how she perceived her identity around race. It's really interesting 0:11:05.840 --> 0:11:10.559 because I don't feel my race here in New York 0:11:10.640 --> 0:11:16.400 City super often, like I just exists amongst our people. 0:11:16.600 --> 0:11:18.960 There's a lot of mixed people in different ways and 0:11:19.080 --> 0:11:22.840 capacities here, But when I travel in the flyover States, 0:11:22.920 --> 0:11:25.280 I do feel it more. But I felt it most 0:11:25.280 --> 0:11:27.680 heavily as a child, and I didn't have the tools 0:11:27.880 --> 0:11:32.120 or anybody working with me as to why I was 0:11:32.160 --> 0:11:34.679 different and why I felt the way I felt and 0:11:34.720 --> 0:11:36.680 why people were talking to me the way they were. 0:11:37.080 --> 0:11:40.920 I also recognize, like the huge amount of privilege I 0:11:40.960 --> 0:11:45.000 have in many intersections. Yes, I'm not a percent white, 0:11:45.040 --> 0:11:48.800 and I definitely don't look white passing in any capacity, 0:11:48.840 --> 0:11:51.160 but I'm also not black, and I'm also not dealing 0:11:51.160 --> 0:11:55.199 with a lot of those stereotypes that are so insidious 0:11:55.200 --> 0:11:58.959 in our culture. But as a kid, it was like, 0:11:59.760 --> 0:12:01.920 we're did you get her? My mom would be like 0:12:02.080 --> 0:12:03.959 where do you think? You know? But like, I look 0:12:04.040 --> 0:12:06.040 nothing like my mom. I'm darker than my mom and 0:12:06.120 --> 0:12:08.680 my dad, Like I just came out like a little 0:12:08.720 --> 0:12:14.079 brown I don't know, well, yeah, so toasty side up. 0:12:14.679 --> 0:12:16.760 And then you know, being in the South, like what 0:12:16.920 --> 0:12:19.120 is she Mexican? You know, like people just wanting to 0:12:19.160 --> 0:12:23.480 know what I was and you know why I was 0:12:23.559 --> 0:12:27.600 with them, So you know, in that way, yes, I 0:12:27.640 --> 0:12:31.040 was treated differently than my cousins. And eventually, you know, 0:12:31.120 --> 0:12:33.240 that all came out at some point when I was 0:12:33.280 --> 0:12:36.880 about fifteen, and that's why there's a huge divide in 0:12:36.880 --> 0:12:39.719 our family and I don't speak to you know. And 0:12:39.760 --> 0:12:42.640 then I was very confused and thought that I was 0:12:42.679 --> 0:12:46.319 just going to grow out of my little brown body 0:12:46.360 --> 0:12:49.760 and hair, and I would draw pictures. I really thought 0:12:49.800 --> 0:12:51.160 that I was going to grow up and like I 0:12:51.200 --> 0:12:53.880 was going to be like a blonde, green eyed teenager, 0:12:54.120 --> 0:12:56.199 you know, because nobody really talked to me about it. 0:12:56.559 --> 0:12:59.400 And then I ended up in public school, which was 0:12:59.480 --> 0:13:01.600 so good for me, you know. I was able to 0:13:01.720 --> 0:13:05.520 have a variation of people again. And we lived in 0:13:05.520 --> 0:13:08.640 a predominantly Native American not predominantly Native American, but a 0:13:08.679 --> 0:13:12.280 lot more Native and Indigenous people than in most parts 0:13:12.280 --> 0:13:15.800 of the country right in Seattle, and so I would 0:13:15.800 --> 0:13:17.720 school a lot of Native kids, and like I was 0:13:17.920 --> 0:13:20.640 very Native passing, that was what people assumed when I 0:13:20.679 --> 0:13:23.960 was younger, more so than Asian. And so then that 0:13:24.040 --> 0:13:26.080 felt good to just have people that looked like me 0:13:26.160 --> 0:13:29.960 around and my representation because again, remember it was early nineties, 0:13:30.040 --> 0:13:33.240 late eighties, there was nothing on TV that looked like me. 0:13:33.280 --> 0:13:35.360 There was nothing on a magazine that looked like me. 0:13:35.640 --> 0:13:39.040 My like little cousin got like a Hawaiian barbie and 0:13:39.120 --> 0:13:41.439 was like, oh my god, it looks like you. That 0:13:41.600 --> 0:13:46.000 was my first moment of representation. Representation is super important, 0:13:46.200 --> 0:13:50.280 it's necessary, and then there's the lifestyle of being constantly 0:13:50.320 --> 0:13:53.600 like doing the work internally, but like even representations, when 0:13:53.640 --> 0:13:56.120 you think about a child and how they mimic behavior 0:13:56.400 --> 0:13:58.920 and then we as adults, like you were saying, with bias, 0:13:59.040 --> 0:14:01.800 we place our bio or what we even think is possible. 0:14:02.200 --> 0:14:05.000 You know when you look at like docmic Stuffin's the 0:14:05.040 --> 0:14:07.800 Little Black Doctor. Yes, you know what I mean, and 0:14:07.880 --> 0:14:10.559 like the difference and how many little girls decided they 0:14:10.880 --> 0:14:14.000 might want to be doctors because of that TV show. 0:14:14.200 --> 0:14:17.199 There's just crazy statistics to show that when we show 0:14:17.240 --> 0:14:20.400 women and women of color or people of color in 0:14:20.680 --> 0:14:23.720 roles that they don't usually see, then they start to 0:14:23.720 --> 0:14:26.280 see themselves in those roles and start thinking I've got shows, 0:14:26.440 --> 0:14:28.920 start thinking it's possible to do some of these things. 0:14:29.080 --> 0:14:31.040 And I also just love the idea of just having 0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:35.880 representation in fantasy worlds and also where we don't have 0:14:36.040 --> 0:14:40.120 to talk about our struggles. We can just succeed or 0:14:40.200 --> 0:14:44.720 we can live out these crazy lives. And getting to 0:14:44.720 --> 0:14:48.160 talk to Lonnie about representation helped remind me of how 0:14:48.240 --> 0:14:51.160 much we make those choices for ourselves and that we 0:14:51.200 --> 0:14:54.000 can decipher what others are saying and be like, yeah, 0:14:54.040 --> 0:14:57.760 that's what you think, but this is who I am. 0:14:57.800 --> 0:15:00.440 And I'm really lucky to have met Lonnie I did. 0:15:00.720 --> 0:15:03.200 It's incredible to be her friend, not only because we 0:15:03.240 --> 0:15:06.760 get to explore ourselves in a safe space, but also 0:15:06.800 --> 0:15:09.360 because she's constantly on a journey and going through a 0:15:09.400 --> 0:15:12.840 lot and so open with where her life is today. 0:15:12.960 --> 0:15:16.160 So we'll talk about how she is as an adult 0:15:16.280 --> 0:15:28.560 in this present moment. After this break and we're back, 0:15:29.680 --> 0:15:32.360 I'm pregnant. I'm like burping. I keep thinking I'm going 0:15:32.400 --> 0:15:36.080 to cry. You are building and creating another human being, 0:15:36.120 --> 0:15:40.000 and even if you weren't. As you all heard, Lonnie 0:15:40.080 --> 0:15:44.560 is pregnant after a very difficult miscarriage last year. She's 0:15:44.600 --> 0:15:47.280 having a baby boy, and with that comes a lot 0:15:47.280 --> 0:15:51.520 of joy, but also some complicated emotions. I'm really in 0:15:51.640 --> 0:15:53.440 tune with my body, you know. I've had a lot 0:15:53.440 --> 0:15:56.040 of health stuff that I think makes me even more 0:15:56.120 --> 0:15:59.120 like in body mind awareness. It took me a while 0:15:59.160 --> 0:16:02.680 to get did about the pregnancy, which surprised me, especially 0:16:02.680 --> 0:16:05.680 after having a miscarriage. I was like, Oh, why am 0:16:05.680 --> 0:16:07.800 I not over the moon? You're really wanted to get 0:16:07.800 --> 0:16:10.320 through this summer. We got married, this summer, his mom 0:16:10.360 --> 0:16:12.480 passed this summer. It was just a lot, and I 0:16:12.560 --> 0:16:14.720 was sick, like I wanted a little bit more time 0:16:14.760 --> 0:16:19.400 with my partner before stepping into this next spot. You know, 0:16:20.160 --> 0:16:24.400 but I also believe in the magic that is whatever 0:16:24.600 --> 0:16:27.840 is happening is happening, and that's okay. But it's like 0:16:28.080 --> 0:16:32.520 you're human being who had plans and ideas, and I 0:16:32.520 --> 0:16:37.120 think that's something too, to like allow space for so much. 0:16:37.440 --> 0:16:39.600 I do want to talk about your Only Fans and 0:16:39.640 --> 0:16:43.920 all of that into for those who don't know. Only 0:16:43.960 --> 0:16:48.160 Fans is this app that started off for artists to 0:16:48.280 --> 0:16:51.920 post behind the scene footage for their followers and then 0:16:52.000 --> 0:16:56.120 eventually became or always was, in tandem, an app for 0:16:56.120 --> 0:16:58.960 sex workers to share their work and create a following 0:16:58.960 --> 0:17:03.240 in subscription base. Lonnie's Only Fans is pretty spicy and 0:17:03.280 --> 0:17:07.200 sixy you are mom, You are an incredible woman, and 0:17:07.440 --> 0:17:10.920 like this is also a world that you wouldhabit and 0:17:11.160 --> 0:17:12.920 that I think not a lot of people talk about 0:17:12.920 --> 0:17:16.440 that intersection. Yeah, and it's so like weird because like 0:17:16.680 --> 0:17:21.600 I like how to Creampie and got pregnant? Come on, right, 0:17:21.680 --> 0:17:24.800 it's so weird, like we literally have sex to make 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:26.240 babies and then all of a sudden, you make a 0:17:26.240 --> 0:17:29.960 baby and you're supposed to like not be sexualized, but 0:17:30.040 --> 0:17:32.560 then you better keep having sex with your husband or else, 0:17:32.600 --> 0:17:36.120 you know, like this weird fucking thing. Right. We started 0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:38.280 the Only Fans last year and I stay a week 0:17:38.280 --> 0:17:40.800 because he was definitely helping behind the scenes for me. 0:17:40.920 --> 0:17:43.680 And we did it because I thought I was pregnant 0:17:43.800 --> 0:17:46.720 and I was like, let's make some money. I've been 0:17:47.000 --> 0:17:49.199 toying around with the idea for a long time, so 0:17:49.280 --> 0:17:51.960 we did and it was really fun, and then it 0:17:52.000 --> 0:17:54.520 was hard when I had the miscarriage and like keeping 0:17:54.600 --> 0:17:58.399 up with it, but I like dropped off when I 0:17:58.440 --> 0:18:01.320 got pregnant. This time, it's a lot of work, right, 0:18:01.800 --> 0:18:06.840 and I love making making content, but there's all the 0:18:06.880 --> 0:18:09.879 other steps like editing and posting and you know, and 0:18:09.880 --> 0:18:13.280 then I still have another job and other responsibilities. And 0:18:13.280 --> 0:18:17.600 then if I'm not feeling sexy or sexual or whatever, 0:18:17.680 --> 0:18:22.000 it gets harder emotionally to get into that headspace and 0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:26.720 create that content and do that work. Wow, that isn't 0:18:26.760 --> 0:18:29.639 really interesting to think about, yeah, because it's like it 0:18:29.760 --> 0:18:33.640 is emotional labor in a big way that I don't 0:18:33.680 --> 0:18:36.479 know that I realized before the sex work I had 0:18:36.480 --> 0:18:40.680 done previous too Only Fans was I danced my way 0:18:40.680 --> 0:18:44.399 through photo school, so I was a stripper. I just 0:18:44.560 --> 0:18:47.200 like weird foot fetish porn before I was even eighteen. 0:18:47.760 --> 0:18:51.520 Not so healthy situation. That was like literally like recording 0:18:51.520 --> 0:18:55.520 stuff and putting on VHS tapes, building an HTML site 0:18:55.760 --> 0:19:00.440 and the mailing people there VHS tapes like that just 0:19:00.640 --> 0:19:04.600 dated me. I love how Lonnie talks about her sex 0:19:04.640 --> 0:19:07.399 work and her sexuality and everything under the sun in 0:19:07.440 --> 0:19:12.200 regards to that. Because I grew up Mexican Catholic, which 0:19:12.280 --> 0:19:15.880 means it's super conservative, we may or may not talk 0:19:15.920 --> 0:19:18.399 about sex. My sex talk was sex as fund but 0:19:18.440 --> 0:19:22.240 only with the person you marry, and kind of implied 0:19:22.320 --> 0:19:24.320 that the person I should marry should be a man, 0:19:25.040 --> 0:19:30.360 and so like that was it. While that's changed, I 0:19:30.400 --> 0:19:33.000 realized there was a lot of difficulties when it came 0:19:33.040 --> 0:19:36.560 to learning how to love and respect your body and 0:19:36.640 --> 0:19:39.880 its own pleasure, and it wasn't something that was ever 0:19:39.960 --> 0:19:43.640 talked about, especially for women. Hearing Lonnie talk about how 0:19:43.640 --> 0:19:46.000 she enjoys her work and the work she's done, and 0:19:46.119 --> 0:19:48.000 the way she talks about all of this so matter 0:19:48.040 --> 0:19:51.960 of factly is super free. I grew up very sheltered. 0:19:52.119 --> 0:19:55.280 Oh yeah, I was on the run. What is that like? 0:19:55.880 --> 0:19:58.040 I don't know anything other than that, right, so like 0:19:58.080 --> 0:19:59.960 I was out of the house at fourteen and then 0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:02.920 back for a minute, and then I left at fifteen 0:20:03.000 --> 0:20:06.200 or sixteen with my thirty year old boss from Seattle 0:20:06.359 --> 0:20:09.119 to Florida. My mom has like a going away party 0:20:09.160 --> 0:20:12.960 for me, like by I was like, okay, looking back, 0:20:13.000 --> 0:20:16.960 it's very bizarre. She's sorry. I mean, like she does 0:20:17.080 --> 0:20:20.719 some work too, right, but yeah, And that was super 0:20:20.760 --> 0:20:25.200 controlling and definitely abusive and definitely staged for a rape 0:20:25.240 --> 0:20:27.720 to We were like living with his mom. We moved 0:20:27.760 --> 0:20:30.440 his mom to Florida, and she was like, okay with 0:20:31.200 --> 0:20:34.600 this teenage child that wasn't I wasn't allowed to drive 0:20:34.680 --> 0:20:37.160 or have a job. We lived in this like cul 0:20:37.200 --> 0:20:40.040 de sac in Florida, and I didn't leave that cul 0:20:40.119 --> 0:20:44.240 de sac for like a year, So what made you leave? 0:20:44.880 --> 0:20:47.960 He and I moved to South Beach and I could 0:20:48.000 --> 0:20:49.760 get a better paying job than he could, as like 0:20:49.800 --> 0:20:52.440 a cocktail server, and so I saved up. I knew 0:20:52.480 --> 0:20:55.160 I wanted to leave. One night, he got drunk enough 0:20:55.280 --> 0:20:59.240 that he like actually hit me, and he hadn't hit 0:20:59.280 --> 0:21:03.280 me before. But I knew a cop and I was 0:21:03.320 --> 0:21:05.320 able to call that cop and they put him in 0:21:05.359 --> 0:21:07.760 holding for three days, which gave me time to move 0:21:07.800 --> 0:21:10.280 out of the apartment, and I got my first apartment 0:21:10.320 --> 0:21:14.480 in South Beach under someone else's I D and then 0:21:14.560 --> 0:21:17.399 worked at Opium, like a big nightclub, as a bottle 0:21:17.400 --> 0:21:22.080 service girl under somebody else's I D. Wow. I was 0:21:22.119 --> 0:21:24.600 a mess. I ended up in rehab more than once. 0:21:24.720 --> 0:21:27.680 It was rough, but I like, you know, my childhood 0:21:27.720 --> 0:21:30.520 was rough, like it was beautiful in some ways, but 0:21:30.560 --> 0:21:34.120 it was also like really dark. Even at a young age, 0:21:34.200 --> 0:21:36.800 Lonnie was able to make really important decisions to move 0:21:36.840 --> 0:21:40.360 her life forward and herself out of bad situations, and 0:21:40.560 --> 0:21:43.520 I admire her for that, and so it makes sense 0:21:43.560 --> 0:21:46.520 to me as an adult woman now, I was scratching 0:21:46.600 --> 0:21:50.000 for anything to fill the void and make me feel whole. 0:21:50.680 --> 0:21:54.800 I remember that first rehab journey at nineteen and the 0:21:54.880 --> 0:21:57.399 counselor being like, if you don't fix your ship with men, 0:21:58.080 --> 0:22:01.159 you're never gonna stay sober, and I was like, fuck you. 0:22:02.040 --> 0:22:04.639 And it took a long time. I don't have a 0:22:04.720 --> 0:22:08.119 part in the abuse, but I have a part in 0:22:09.600 --> 0:22:13.119 figuring out how to heal the parts of me that 0:22:13.320 --> 0:22:16.000 want and seek out the abuse, if that makes sense. 0:22:17.000 --> 0:22:19.639