WEBVTT - Why Do We Fall in Love?

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to brain Stuff production of I Heart Radio. Hey

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<v Speaker 1>brain Stuff. Lauren Bolga Baum Here, love can certainly be

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<v Speaker 1>a many splendored thing, but what is it about we

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<v Speaker 1>humans that makes us long for love in the first place?

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<v Speaker 1>Before the article This episode is based on How Stuff Works.

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<v Speaker 1>Spoke via email with Dr Nicki Nantz, a licensed psychotherapist

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<v Speaker 1>and professor at Beacon College in Leesburg, Florida. She said,

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<v Speaker 1>generally speaking, human pair bonding is a drive to keep

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<v Speaker 1>the species in existence. Today, falling in love is socially defined.

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<v Speaker 1>If we didn't have love stories to establish the expectation

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<v Speaker 1>of falling in love, we might not do it. We

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<v Speaker 1>would still bond though. How Stuff Works also spoke via

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<v Speaker 1>email with psychologist Dr Beverly Palmer, the author of Love

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<v Speaker 1>Demystified Strategies for a Successful Love Life. She explained a

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<v Speaker 1>theory for how our sense of love develops called attachment theory,

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<v Speaker 1>which states that the beginning stages of love, as well

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<v Speaker 1>as how we pursue it and give it throughout our lives,

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<v Speaker 1>can depend a lot on our parents. She said, we

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<v Speaker 1>are born as helpless infants dependent on our parents to

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<v Speaker 1>fulfill our needs. Love then becomes need fulfillment, and we

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<v Speaker 1>seek this same love out as adults. Palmer explained that

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<v Speaker 1>according to attachment theory, children are protected and nurtured by available,

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<v Speaker 1>responsive parents and have their need for emotional nurturing satisfied. Therefore,

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<v Speaker 1>they learn to love the parents in return. And in

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<v Speaker 1>this theory, what children learn about love from their parents

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<v Speaker 1>determines how they learn to love others as adults. That's

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<v Speaker 1>not to say that people from less than perfect homes

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<v Speaker 1>are not capable of forming a good loving relationship, but

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<v Speaker 1>they might need to do some extra work to get there.

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<v Speaker 1>And remember, for that pair bonding that Nance mentioned, well,

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<v Speaker 1>it happens for a reason, she said. Our brain is

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<v Speaker 1>set up to support pair bonding. When people fall in love,

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<v Speaker 1>they go into a state of lamberance. Lamerance is a

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<v Speaker 1>fancy way of saying infatuation or obsession. This happens because

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<v Speaker 1>our brains and hormones go wild when faced with a

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<v Speaker 1>sincere love interest, and Nance explained, when we are in

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<v Speaker 1>the company of the loved one, the brain produces more serotonin,

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<v Speaker 1>which gives a sense of well being, more endorphins, which

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<v Speaker 1>are natural painkillers, and more dopamine, which increases pleasure. The

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<v Speaker 1>good feeling is a reward that makes us want more.

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<v Speaker 1>Although serotonin levels do vary from person to person, they

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<v Speaker 1>can also go down during the head over heels process.

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<v Speaker 1>As a result, decreased serotonin may produce obsessive type symptoms

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<v Speaker 1>that cause some people to think of the person there

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<v Speaker 1>in love with constantly. The hormonal reaction aren't limited to

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<v Speaker 1>romantic love, though. How Stuff Works also spoke with Joe Bates,

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<v Speaker 1>a psychiatrist and author of Making Your Brain Hum A

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<v Speaker 1>hundred and twelve Weeks to a Smarter You. He said,

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<v Speaker 1>viewing pictures of beauty, nature, a loved one, or even

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<v Speaker 1>your beloved pet can cause us to feel relaxed or

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<v Speaker 1>produce loving emotions releasing oxytocin in the bloodstream. Oxytocin is

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<v Speaker 1>another hormone that our bodies make, a one that can

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<v Speaker 1>increase bonding tendencies. But why do some people find love

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<v Speaker 1>more easily? Occasionally eyes meet across the room and the

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<v Speaker 1>rest is history affirm most of us. However, falling in

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<v Speaker 1>love is more complicated. You have to be ready to

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<v Speaker 1>give and accept love, which it's not always easy to do,

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<v Speaker 1>and it can come down to timing, chemistry, and common ground.

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<v Speaker 1>Although the old saying opposites attract remains prevalent, it's actually

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<v Speaker 1>false and cases how staff Works also spoke by email

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<v Speaker 1>with relationship expert Kevin Darnay. He said, the goal is

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<v Speaker 1>to find someone who shares your same values, wants the

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<v Speaker 1>same things for the relationship that you do, naturally agrees

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<v Speaker 1>with you on how to obtain those things, and last,

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<v Speaker 1>but not least, has a mutual depth of love and

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<v Speaker 1>desire for one another. If you've ever looked back on

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<v Speaker 1>an earlier romance and wondered what you were thinking, you're

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<v Speaker 1>not the only one, Dinah said. The truth is we

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<v Speaker 1>really don't begin to craft a mate selection process or

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<v Speaker 1>must have list until after we've experienced some heartache, betrayal,

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<v Speaker 1>and disappointment. Whatever we think makes for an ideal mate

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<v Speaker 1>at age seventeen is not going to be what we

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<v Speaker 1>want for a mate at age five or thirty five.

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<v Speaker 1>At the end of the day, love is relative, so

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<v Speaker 1>don't expect your relationship to look, feel, or act the

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<v Speaker 1>same as past experiences or like those of your friends.

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<v Speaker 1>And Darnie said, Ultimately, we're looking for someone to love

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<v Speaker 1>us the way we want to be loved. If we

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<v Speaker 1>don't feel loved. It doesn't matter what's in our mates heart.

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<v Speaker 1>Today's episode is based on the article why do We

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<v Speaker 1>Fall in Love? On how stuff works dot Com written

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<v Speaker 1>by Leah Hoyt. Brain Stuff is production of I Heart

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<v Speaker 1>Radio in partnership with how stuff works dot Com, and

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<v Speaker 1>it's produced by Tyler Klang and Ramsey Young. For more

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<v Speaker 1>podcasts from my heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app,

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<v Speaker 1>Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.