Speaker 1: Hey, everybody, welcome back to the podcast. Thanks for being here.
Speaker 1: I saw so many people this week. I got back
Speaker 1: from Lebanon, Pennsylvania and saw so many of you and
Speaker 1: people that came up. Were speaking at a banquet and
Speaker 1: a lot of people come up and they're like, hey,
Speaker 1: we listened to the podcast. And other people said, how's
Speaker 1: your poison oak doing? And at first I was a
Speaker 1: little bit caught off guard because I just thought, how
Speaker 1: did you know that I had poison oak? I was
Speaker 1: actually suffering badly, And they're like, you said it on
Speaker 1: your podcast last week, so thank you. Sometimes I forget
Speaker 1: what I say. It means the world that you guys
Speaker 1: listen and care and come back a week after week. Uh,
Speaker 1: put the poison ivy or oak, I should say, is better.
Speaker 1: It's now it's all on my arm four under my
Speaker 1: right arm, and that's new. It was all over my
Speaker 1: side on my left ribcage and horrible. Actually, never I've
Speaker 1: been in the woods my whole life, I've never had
Speaker 1: poison oak until now, and it was it crushed me.
Speaker 1: I cut some seater and it had a little bit
Speaker 1: of I remember seeing it. It was really bright and vivid,
Speaker 1: and I remember seeing that vine inside the seater that
Speaker 1: I cut, and I remember thinking, oh, that's it's actually
Speaker 1: really pretty. The leaves were really red and pretty, and
Speaker 1: it got me and my brother Parker had poison ivy
Speaker 1: ironically earlier this year, and so he had a prescription cream.
Speaker 1: That's the only thing that's gotten to be better. So anyway,
Speaker 1: thank you guys. I mentioned it last podcast, and it
Speaker 1: was kind of shocked that I went to Pennsylvania and
Speaker 1: people remember that. I love that you guys listen and
Speaker 1: come back each week. If you want to ask me
Speaker 1: a question, email podcast at grangersmith dot com. Podcast at
Speaker 1: grangersmith dot com. It does not have to be any
Speaker 1: kind of certain subject. It seems like the past probably
Speaker 1: six to eight months, there's a lot of these theological
Speaker 1: questions and it doesn't have to be that. So if
Speaker 1: you if you tun tune into this podcast and you
Speaker 1: say Granger answers all these theological God questions, Hey, I'm
Speaker 1: just answering questions that you send, so we could talk
Speaker 1: about whatever you want and we'll walk through it. We've
Speaker 1: been doing this now, y'all going on eight years. Can
Speaker 1: you believe that in this podcast going on eight years?
Speaker 1: I can't even believe that. I can't that I can't
Speaker 1: believe that we could even see the horizon of a decade.
Speaker 1: That's crazy to me. The first question comes from James
Speaker 1: as we get into this, and I like to say, James,
Speaker 1: I want you guys to ask a question like we're
Speaker 1: just sitting in the cab of a truck and something
Speaker 1: comes up because something's on your mind. We got the
Speaker 1: windows down and you say, hey, man, could I kind
Speaker 1: of run something by it? That's that's the format of
Speaker 1: this podcast. James says, Hi, Grande, I work a full
Speaker 1: time job. I coach my son's Little league team. My
Speaker 1: wife and I are trying to start a small business
Speaker 1: on the side. I feel like I'm constantly running from
Speaker 1: one thing to the next, and I don't have time
Speaker 1: to breathe. How do you balance work, family, personal time
Speaker 1: without feeling like you're always dropping the ball. Any tips
Speaker 1: would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again for being a good
Speaker 1: role model, James, James, thank you, brother. Appreciate the email
Speaker 1: and the trust with a question like this, and certainly, man,
Speaker 1: it's it's everyone listening thinks to themselves. Yeah, busy. It's
Speaker 1: funny in the most hectic days of touring with the
Speaker 1: band would be a city after city after city. You
Speaker 1: kind of start every every city just starts to look
Speaker 1: the same, especially in the summers when we do these fairs,
Speaker 1: and every fair ground starts to look the same. So
Speaker 1: you're like in Ohio, and then you're you're in Michigan,
Speaker 1: and then you're in Illinois, and then you're in Indiana,
Speaker 1: and it's they all it's like a a some kind
Speaker 1: of dirt track and grandstands and ferris wheels and everything
Speaker 1: behind that, and you could smell the same foods, and
Speaker 1: it starts to all blend in together, and you a
Speaker 1: lot of times would be playing with these other bands
Speaker 1: and the buses would pull in in the night time
Speaker 1: and we would all be sleeping, and you wake up
Speaker 1: the next morning and catering would have breakfast and we
Speaker 1: would come out of the bus and you know, you're
Speaker 1: looking for coffee, and then the right across, you know,
Speaker 1: in the parking spot next to you is another bus
Speaker 1: and that door is opening and a guy's coming off
Speaker 1: looking for coffee, and and you haven't seen him in
Speaker 1: you know, eight months or since whenever last show you played,
Speaker 1: and hey, how's it going right there? Right there there's
Speaker 1: this moment how's it going when the other guy would
Speaker 1: say busy, and then he looks at you and he goes,
Speaker 1: how about you guys, and you go busy? And I
Speaker 1: thought about that so much. Always laughed to myself because
Speaker 1: I thought, I thought, what if my answer was I'm
Speaker 1: not that busy. Because if it is, what you're communicating
Speaker 1: is work is not going good. Things are not going
Speaker 1: well in the music business. That's what that answer would communicate,
Speaker 1: not that busy. So we associate busy with work is
Speaker 1: good because you usually would say something like it's busy,
Speaker 1: you know, but it's good. But man, just crazy right now? Crazy,
Speaker 1: And then you'd say, yeah, but us too, Man, how
Speaker 1: about you guys? Us to say, where'd you guys come from? Dude,
Speaker 1: I don't even remember Detroit? Maybe how about you Springfield?
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, oh, crazy, crazy, busy. So it's just
Speaker 1: like this badge of honor. Maybe this is an American thing.
Speaker 1: I don't think I've talked to too many people worldwide
Speaker 1: about this, but I feel like it's probably an American thing.
Speaker 1: We just take so much pride in being busy and
Speaker 1: there's almost no way out of it. In fact, you
Speaker 1: have to really fight to find space, and if you
Speaker 1: do find space, you're gonna fill it with something like
Speaker 1: James says here with if you have time. For instance,
Speaker 1: this is what James is thinking, putting words in his mouth.
Speaker 1: He's thinking that I have extra time, I should coach
Speaker 1: my son's little league team, and then there goes the time.
Speaker 1: And then if you have a little time because you're
Speaker 1: not coaching, you say, hey, we should start this small
Speaker 1: business thing, and then there goes that time. So, like
Speaker 1: he says, I'm constantly running from one thing to the next,
Speaker 1: and I don't have time to breathe. He's James coming
Speaker 1: out of the tour bus looking for coffee, saying busy.
Speaker 1: And he's not necessairly complaining. But that's why. I mean,
Speaker 1: everyone's listening right now going yeah, I got it, especially
Speaker 1: this time of year. If you're listening to this podcast
Speaker 1: in real time, it is December, and this time of year,
Speaker 1: everyone is just busy. In fact, dear brother of mine,
Speaker 1: his son has a piano recital tonight and he's been
Speaker 1: asking me to go, and I'm like, I really want
Speaker 1: to go, because especially if he asked me multiple times,
Speaker 1: I know it's important to him. And so it's that therefore,
Speaker 1: it's important to me to be there. And yet Lincoln
Speaker 1: has a basketball game tonight, and so I'm texting him like, Hey,
Speaker 1: if we go to this basketball game and still make it,
Speaker 1: can we make it to your house at eight even
Speaker 1: though the recital starts at seven fifteen? Would anyone still
Speaker 1: be there? And he replies and goes, bro, I understand
Speaker 1: everyone's busy this time of year, and he knows it's
Speaker 1: not just this time of year, it's all the time.
Speaker 1: That's what we do. So the question from James is
Speaker 1: how do you balance work, family, and personal time without
Speaker 1: feeling like you're always dropping the ball. It's actually interesting
Speaker 1: that he uses that analogy. I've heard it said before
Speaker 1: like this, that life and managing time could be looked
Speaker 1: at as juggling. So you're juggling these balls, right, But
Speaker 1: what we have to understand is that there has to
Speaker 1: be priority in the balls that we're juggling. So in
Speaker 1: order to establish that priority, think of that. Think of
Speaker 1: these juggling balls as some of them are rubber and
Speaker 1: some of them are glass. You don't want to drop
Speaker 1: the glass ones the rubber ones. It's okay, it's okay.
Speaker 1: To drop them, they will bounce, nothing breaks. It's okay.
Speaker 1: For instance, this piano recital, my friend's piano recital. Although
Speaker 1: it's important, it's a rubber ball that if I drop it,
Speaker 1: it's going to bounce. He's not going to get his
Speaker 1: feelings hurt and we're going to be okay as a family.
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean it's not important. You know why it's
Speaker 1: important because I'm juggling it. It's in the balls that
Speaker 1: I'm juggling. If it wasn't important, if it didn't matter
Speaker 1: to me, it wouldn't be in the five or six
Speaker 1: things that I'm thinking about doing today tonight as I
Speaker 1: record this podcast right now, there's five or six things
Speaker 1: I need to get done today tonight, so that that
Speaker 1: includes the rubber balls that are still important. Don't get
Speaker 1: me wrong. It's it's important. It's important to him, and
Speaker 1: it's important to me that we come to his son's
Speaker 1: piano recital because I'm his brother and he's my brother
Speaker 1: in Christ, he's a member at our church. So differentiating
Speaker 1: the glass balls and the rubber ones, that's what you
Speaker 1: got to do. So making sure that if my daughter
Speaker 1: is going through something and she's not right now by
Speaker 1: the way, but if she was going through some kind
Speaker 1: of drama at school, there's something happened or something happened
Speaker 1: in her friend group and it really hurt her spirit
Speaker 1: and she needs her dad. That is a ball that
Speaker 1: I'm juggling, that is glass. If I trade that glass
Speaker 1: one for a rubber one and say the rubber one
Speaker 1: is a friend is having to get together for a
Speaker 1: Christmas party at his house, This is hypothetical, and it's
Speaker 1: about a thirty minute drive and there's a lot of
Speaker 1: people going and it'd be kind of fun. But it's
Speaker 1: a rubber ball. The glass one is London who's having
Speaker 1: the problem. I cannot drop that one that hurts the family,
Speaker 1: that could actually do damage dropping the rubber one that bounces.
Speaker 1: It's fine. No one thinks about it. We need to
Speaker 1: know the difference when we're juggling, and once again, everything
Speaker 1: we're juggling is important. So I can't answer for you specifically, James,
Speaker 1: but you get the full time job, you're coaching your
Speaker 1: son's little league, your wife and I are trying to
Speaker 1: start a small business on the side. It's up to
Speaker 1: you to figure out what is glass and what is rubber.
Speaker 1: And I'm assuming that the full time job is what
Speaker 1: is supporting everything else in this little circle right here.
Speaker 1: So because of the full time job, your son needs
Speaker 1: to play in a little league team and you get
Speaker 1: to coach him. Because of the full time job, you
Speaker 1: get to take time to start this small business with
Speaker 1: your wife. If you take the small time, the small
Speaker 1: the full time job out of the juggling, all the
Speaker 1: other balls drop, regardless of rubber or glass. So recognize
Speaker 1: that too. Recognize that if there's seven balls you're juggling,
Speaker 1: which one of those, If you took it out, all
Speaker 1: the balls drop. That's an important thing. So these are
Speaker 1: things that you're gonna have to figure out, and you're
Speaker 1: gonna have to figure out what gives How do you
Speaker 1: balance work, family, personal time without feeling like you're always
Speaker 1: dropping a ball? Recognize if you did drop a ball,
Speaker 1: if more of them drop, and then recognize if you
Speaker 1: drop this one and it's rubber, all the other ones
Speaker 1: that keep on juggling and nothing changes. Start to recognize those, right,
Speaker 1: So think through these things. Thankfully you didn't give me
Speaker 1: a scenario like I'm trying to work through a full
Speaker 1: time job and a small business and sharing a family
Speaker 1: meal together, or attending church together. You're like, you didn't
Speaker 1: give me that, or I would go, man, you gotta
Speaker 1: you gotta find a way to have these family meals together.
Speaker 1: If it's starting the small business interferes with that every
Speaker 1: single time, then you have to push that to the side.
Speaker 1: You have to kick that can down the road a
Speaker 1: little bit. On the son's little league team. This is
Speaker 1: this is something we all of us need to constantly
Speaker 1: be thinking through kid's hobbies because most people that are
Speaker 1: my age are older can think back and go, man,
Speaker 1: I had some hobbies as a kid, but if I did,
Speaker 1: mom and dad just dropped me off and said pick
Speaker 1: you up at seven. You know, it's not like that. Today. Today,
Speaker 1: our kids, our kids hobbies become the adults hobbies. And
Speaker 1: it's never been like that in history. The kid's hobbies
Speaker 1: have never been also the adult hobbies. Meaning whatever the
Speaker 1: kid's doing, the parents are now suddenly that's that, that's
Speaker 1: their whole world. Notice I didn't say that we shouldn't
Speaker 1: care about our kids, or love what our kids love,
Speaker 1: or be involved. I don't mean that. I just mean
Speaker 1: I remember when I had a little league team, Dad
Speaker 1: would just pick me up when it was, and so
Speaker 1: were all the other All the other boys would just
Speaker 1: get picked up when it was time to get picked up.
Speaker 1: So sometimes, to finish this whole thought, sometimes we have
Speaker 1: to learn how to say no, because, like aunt Man
Speaker 1: said on this podcast several months ago, every time you
Speaker 1: say yes to something, you are always saying no to
Speaker 1: something else. Learn how to say no from the beginning.
Speaker 1: Next question comes from anonymous. Hey Granger, I'm eighteen, still
Speaker 1: in high school. I'm a Christian. What are your thoughts
Speaker 1: on dating someone from a different religion? I am currently
Speaker 1: a little bit puzzled on this. You have a great day,
Speaker 1: all right, Anonymous, thanks for the question, buddy, your thoughts.
Speaker 1: He's asking my thoughts on dating someone from a different religion.
Speaker 1: I would first, I would say, if you weren't asking me,
Speaker 1: if you're just asking in general, I would say that
Speaker 1: wholly depends on what your idea of religion is, right,
Speaker 1: Because if if your idea of religion is an NFL
Speaker 1: team that you just really you're really into it, and
Speaker 1: you're thinking about dating a girl that loves the New
Speaker 1: York Giants and you love the Dallas Cowboys, I would
Speaker 1: say you're gonna be okay. You're gonna have a lot
Speaker 1: of rivalry in your family, but you're gonna be okay.
Speaker 1: But if you're asking me and my thoughts on what
Speaker 1: I know you're talking about, and you're talking about Christianity
Speaker 1: versus then I would say the unpopular answer then that
Speaker 1: is it would be absolutely devastating if you were a
Speaker 1: Christian and believed in the Bible, then it would be
Speaker 1: absolutely incompatible to be married to someone that didn't believe that.
Speaker 1: And to date is to be preparing for marriage or
Speaker 1: to be getting ready to marry. You're you're dating to marry.
Speaker 1: You should say that way. You're dating someone so that
Speaker 1: you could find someone to marry. I wouldn't believe or
Speaker 1: advocate for like sport dating or just dating for the
Speaker 1: fun of it, or just dating as a social habit
Speaker 1: or something. I would say you would be dating to
Speaker 1: find a spouse. I think most people would agree with that.
Speaker 1: You would only really date, otherwise you would just be single.
Speaker 1: We wouldn't put up with the hassle of just dating
Speaker 1: knowing that it was always going to be temporary. So
Speaker 1: you're dating for the permanent conclusion of marriage. And if
Speaker 1: that's the case and the person was a different religion
Speaker 1: and you were a Christian, it would be totally incompatible
Speaker 1: with your faith, and it would just make a nightmare
Speaker 1: of problems in the future of I attend church and
Speaker 1: she doesn't, and the kid you know is raised with
Speaker 1: this faith and she doesn't agree, and then eventually he
Speaker 1: wants to get baptized or she doesn't want that. It's
Speaker 1: an endless nightmare, especially when you're talking about kids coming
Speaker 1: into the picture. So I would say, I would say, yeah,
Speaker 1: my thoughts are absolutely not and I would double down
Speaker 1: on what I've said many times on this podcast, and
Speaker 1: that is that this idea we get stuck in our
Speaker 1: heads that there is one person and one person only,
Speaker 1: and that person's our soulmate, and we find them and
Speaker 1: although they have these certain flaws that could be huge problems,
Speaker 1: very incompatible with with a married couple, we say that
Speaker 1: doesn't matter, no flaw matters, because this person's my soulmate.
Speaker 1: And then we we end up with these huge problems
Speaker 1: and the reality is there is no soulmate. This is
Speaker 1: this is kind of just a romantic, made up idea
Speaker 1: when in reality, you find someone that you're you're widely
Speaker 1: attracted to, and you have a healthy amount in common,
Speaker 1: and I would say a healthy amount not in common.
Speaker 1: And you have the fundamentals right, like you worship the
Speaker 1: same God. And then at that point you make a decision,
Speaker 1: you say, I'm gonna I decide that I'm going to
Speaker 1: commit to her, and I'm going to do it forever.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna well, as long as I'm on this earth,
Speaker 1: as long as I'm breathing oxygen, I'm going to commit
Speaker 1: to her. That's that's really what it is. And it
Speaker 1: sounds so old timey and and it sounds kind of
Speaker 1: like a crude system because we believe in this, you know,
Speaker 1: fairy dust soulmate thing, and it's not true. So if
Speaker 1: you find someone that doesn't, that doesn't meet the fundamental
Speaker 1: fundamental characteristics that you need, like worshiping a god that
Speaker 1: you worship, then you would break this idea of soulmate
Speaker 1: and go. Even though I am attracted, I do have
Speaker 1: a lot of things in common, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: pursue this any further. That's it. When you think about
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Speaker 1: if you want to get a hold of me or
Speaker 1: have me make you a video message from my phone,
Speaker 1: as I always say every podcast, go to cameo dot
Speaker 1: com slash dranger Smith cameo dot com slash granger Smith.
Speaker 1: I will make you a video message custom to however
Speaker 1: you want me to say it. This is great for
Speaker 1: the holiday season. You got someone that you need a
Speaker 1: gift for, or maybe you don't know what to get them,
Speaker 1: or it's just too late, go to cameo dot com
Speaker 1: slash granger Smith and I'll make you a personal video
Speaker 1: message to them, say Merry Christmas or happy Birthday, whatever
Speaker 1: it might be, and a little message from me. It's
Speaker 1: super easy. Go to cameo dot com slash Grangersmith. Okay,
Speaker 1: once again, if you want to email me a question,
Speaker 1: email podcast at grangersmith dot com. A man, We'll take
Speaker 1: your question. Put it into the cue. The next one
Speaker 1: is Melissa, and Melissa asked this. My fourteen year old
Speaker 1: daughter has been really distant lately and I don't know
Speaker 1: how to connect with her. She's moody, spends all of
Speaker 1: her time on her phone. She doesn't want to talk
Speaker 1: to me like she used to. Do you have any
Speaker 1: advice for a parent trying to navigate the teen years.
Speaker 1: I don't want to push her away further, but I
Speaker 1: also don't want to just give up on having a
Speaker 1: relationship with her. Thanks for your insight, Melissa. Hey, thanks Melissa,
Speaker 1: A great question. I think a lot of people could
Speaker 1: be interested in something like this, including myself. Navigating a
Speaker 1: teen is something It requires a lot of thought and
Speaker 1: a lot of effort, and that goes against kind of
Speaker 1: our natural state that we kind of just want things
Speaker 1: to operate without really interfering too much. We want things
Speaker 1: to be easy for us because everything else is hard.
Speaker 1: You know, work is hard, the bills are coming in,
Speaker 1: relationships with everyone else, it's hard. Friendships are hard, relationships
Speaker 1: with our spouse can be hard. All these things weigh
Speaker 1: in on us, and we just think, could our kids
Speaker 1: just be easy? But in fact our kids end up
Speaker 1: being the most difficult thing out of all of these scenarios.
Speaker 1: And so we have a tendency, in my mind, a
Speaker 1: wrong tendency to kind of just pacify our relationship with
Speaker 1: our kids in ways that kind of shuts them up
Speaker 1: and makes it go away with the little ones that
Speaker 1: could be giving them a screen. Okay, you're driving me
Speaker 1: crazy right now. Just let me type in a YouTube
Speaker 1: thing for you and you just watch on loop. You
Speaker 1: just watch YouTube videos endlessly because I know that's probably
Speaker 1: not good for your little brain. But at least you
Speaker 1: just shut up and stop bothering me, because I've got
Speaker 1: all these other things going on, and with a specifically
Speaker 1: a fourteen year old daughter that's not necessarily you typing
Speaker 1: is something in YouTube and letting her go that's more
Speaker 1: more so you just let her do her thing. So
Speaker 1: and once again you're thinking, I don't think this is
Speaker 1: probably not wise of me to just let her do
Speaker 1: whatever she wants to do. But when I just let
Speaker 1: her go, she's quiet, she doesn't need anything, there's no drama.
Speaker 1: I don't hear from her, and I could actually relax
Speaker 1: after a hard day of work, or I don't have
Speaker 1: to think about, you know, finding something for her to do,
Speaker 1: or finding a chore for her to do, or entertaining
Speaker 1: her or cultivating some kind of thing that she needs
Speaker 1: to be working on. Instead, I just let her go.
Speaker 1: So that's kind of a default for parents. The default
Speaker 1: is let the team go. But here's what happens. They disappear,
Speaker 1: they come. Once they become distant, they only become more
Speaker 1: and more distant. They don't on their own, they don't
Speaker 1: become distant and then slowly start coming back in on
Speaker 1: their own and when the distance happens, the connection is lost.
Speaker 1: So that's what Melissa is saying. I don't know how
Speaker 1: to connect with her, and that's a product of the distance,
Speaker 1: and then another product. Then furthermore, she's moody, spends all
Speaker 1: her time on her phone, doesn't want to talk to me.
Speaker 1: So that just continues to grow. So let her go,
Speaker 1: let her do her own thing. The connection's lost. When
Speaker 1: the connection's lost, she doesn't want to talk because it's awkward.
Speaker 1: At that point, there's no more connection, and then it
Speaker 1: kind of spins out of control, and once again the
Speaker 1: easiest part of the pattern for the parent and the team,
Speaker 1: the easiest thing is just let it go. Hopefully she'll
Speaker 1: just come back one day and we'll find some things
Speaker 1: that we don't have anything in common right now. Maybe
Speaker 1: one day will regain some ground, but right now she's
Speaker 1: kind of gone. So you know all this because this
Speaker 1: is what you're living. But you're asking for advice to
Speaker 1: not push her away further, but reconnect and not give
Speaker 1: up on having a relationship. So first of all, this
Speaker 1: kind of goes back to the juggling. The juggling question
Speaker 1: It's interesting how that kind of relates exactly to this
Speaker 1: question with Melissa. This is a glass ball. Your daughter,
Speaker 1: your fourteen year old daughter is a glass ball. You're
Speaker 1: juggling a lot of things, and there's rubber balls and
Speaker 1: glass balls, and she is a glass ball. Do not
Speaker 1: drop her. It shatters and when it shatters, it is
Speaker 1: near impossible to put it back together. So what I've
Speaker 1: learned and what I've seen, not only with our team
Speaker 1: but in talking with other parents, some things have been
Speaker 1: really helpful. Ambernized journey and one of those was sometimes
Speaker 1: we have to recognize when a team kind of disappears
Speaker 1: and becomes distant. Sometimes that just has to do with
Speaker 1: something that's not it's not personal. It just has to
Speaker 1: do with the current rhythm that they're in. And it
Speaker 1: would be the equivalent I guess of if someone came
Speaker 1: to my house every day about First of all, I'm
Speaker 1: an early I'm a morning guy. I'm not an I'm
Speaker 1: not an evening guy. So someone came to my house
Speaker 1: every day about ten thirty PM and they left at eleven,
Speaker 1: they would probably after a couple weeks of seeing me,
Speaker 1: they would be like, man Granger is just I don't know.
Speaker 1: He seems kind of off. He seems kind of distant.
Speaker 1: He seems kind of quick with his answers. He's not
Speaker 1: he doesn't seem as compassionate. I don't know if I
Speaker 1: don't know if he's eating very much. I haven't seen
Speaker 1: him eat. He seems tired. I don't think he's getting
Speaker 1: enough sleep. And if you think about it, how silly
Speaker 1: that is. The reality is, that's just the end of
Speaker 1: my day. You know, ten thirty to eleven, I don't
Speaker 1: function very well. I'm just barely getting by, And so
Speaker 1: you would make that assumption if that's all you saw.
Speaker 1: So sometimes that's what's happening with the teen they're just
Speaker 1: on a different rhythm. A good friend of ours had
Speaker 1: a great solution to this, and she said, with her
Speaker 1: teen son, she said, he seemed distant, he seemed to
Speaker 1: be kind of in his own world, and we were
Speaker 1: losing connection. He wasn't eating, and I missed the conversations
Speaker 1: that I had when he was a little boy. Even ten, eleven,
Speaker 1: twelve years old is so different in the conversations you
Speaker 1: could have with a thirteen, fourteen, fifteen year old like
Speaker 1: a different planet. But what she realized was he was
Speaker 1: on a different rhythm, and so she had to make
Speaker 1: an effort to change her rhythm. So she started staying
Speaker 1: up later, even though she didn't want to and it
Speaker 1: didn't work well with her schedule. In order to not
Speaker 1: drop the glass ball, she started staying up later with
Speaker 1: him and noticing that he would come alive about ten
Speaker 1: thirty at night, eleven o'clock at night, when she was
Speaker 1: just exhausted. That's when he would start to come to life.
Speaker 1: That's when he would have conversations. That's when he would
Speaker 1: open up. That's when he would talk about his day,
Speaker 1: talk about his relationships, the friends he had, the girls
Speaker 1: he might have been interested in. And then she learned
Speaker 1: she could cook him a meal at eleven o'clock at night,
Speaker 1: which sounds crazy, but she learned that because of the rhythm,
Speaker 1: the difference in the rhythm, that she could like make
Speaker 1: him a grilled cheese sandwich and come in there with
Speaker 1: him and they would sit together and have these discussions
Speaker 1: and he would eat the grill cheese sandwich, and because
Speaker 1: of that, the connection came back and it started to grow,
Speaker 1: and the distance started to close. She just recognized he
Speaker 1: was just going through a season obviously a short season.
Speaker 1: People don't. Teens are different. They're different creatures, you know,
Speaker 1: and they don't stay like that forever. They will eventually
Speaker 1: go back to a normal rhythm. But she realized and
Speaker 1: I see the same thing with London, and I have
Speaker 1: to fight that because she comes home from school and
Speaker 1: she has her her routine, you know, sure she's got
Speaker 1: her homework routine and the things that she that she
Speaker 1: needs to get done. She does the chores around around
Speaker 1: a little farm here, and she kind of she doesn't
Speaker 1: eat a lot of dinner, and she might have some
Speaker 1: kind of you know, volleyball or something. And then at
Speaker 1: about nine o'clock, I'm like wrapping up the day. I'm
Speaker 1: by nine o'clock, I'm wrapping up my day. I'm I'm
Speaker 1: I'm getting ready to get rid of the kids. And
Speaker 1: this is me and Ambers time. But now this is
Speaker 1: when London is like coming alive. So she goes in
Speaker 1: her room and she does her reading, or she likes
Speaker 1: to take a long bath. I mean, I don't know
Speaker 1: how she where she gets that from, but she'll take
Speaker 1: an hour long bath and just sitting there like listen
Speaker 1: to a podcast, and she's alive. At ten o'clock at night,
Speaker 1: and I've noticed that if I go, then, if I
Speaker 1: pursue her, then during this time she'll tell me every
Speaker 1: She'll me, she'll talk about her whole day. She'll she'll
Speaker 1: unpack all the problems of the world, and she'll tell
Speaker 1: me the things she's interested in, and the things she likes,
Speaker 1: and the things she wants in her future, the hobbies
Speaker 1: that she's into, or the problem she's having with a
Speaker 1: friend at school, or all these things. And I get
Speaker 1: she comes alive then, and I'm thinking, my flash is saying,
Speaker 1: I'm so tired, I just want to go to bed,
Speaker 1: you know. But I'm also learning, especially with her, that
Speaker 1: I'm not going to fix her problems at ten o'clock
Speaker 1: at night, and she doesn't want me to. Instead, she
Speaker 1: wants me to just listen. There was this moment I
Speaker 1: had with London a while back, six months ago or so,
Speaker 1: and she was having this issue with a friend, this
Speaker 1: drama with a friend, and I'm telling her, I said, well,
Speaker 1: let's don't be friends with her anymore. She's like, no, Daddy,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, we'll avoid her at school. No, that's
Speaker 1: not I'm like, okay, then let's call her right now,
Speaker 1: let's try to reconcile some of these problems. No, I
Speaker 1: don't want to do that. So I learned she doesn't
Speaker 1: want me to fix it. She doesn't want me to
Speaker 1: give her a suggestion on how this gets resolved. She
Speaker 1: just wants me to listen to her. So I kind
Speaker 1: of got into this pattern with her starting that night,
Speaker 1: and I think I really unlocked something, but I instead
Speaker 1: I just laid there and you know, right next to
Speaker 1: her on the couch, and I was like, how does
Speaker 1: that make you feel? And she'd be like, it makes
Speaker 1: me feel terrible, and you know, all this stuff. She
Speaker 1: would unpack this stuff and I would say, it's got
Speaker 1: to be really tough. She would say, yes, it is.
Speaker 1: It is really tough because I'm dealing with this and
Speaker 1: I'm trying to figure out this. And then I would
Speaker 1: say tell me more, and she said, well, there is
Speaker 1: there is something else and blah blah blah. And I
Speaker 1: would say, how does that make you feel? So I
Speaker 1: just kind of repeated those the little mantra, how does
Speaker 1: that make you feel? That's got to be tough, tell
Speaker 1: me more in whatever order. I would say those three things,
Speaker 1: and somehow we got this connection and the next day
Speaker 1: she was like, Daddy, thanks for last night. That was
Speaker 1: I really feel a lot better about everything. And I'm thinking,
Speaker 1: in my mind, I'm thinking I didn't do anything, we
Speaker 1: didn't fix anything, nothing's resolved. But in her mind, that's
Speaker 1: what she wanted. She just wanted to talk it through.
Speaker 1: That's something that literally in my mind as I was
Speaker 1: on the couch and I was saying these things, I'm
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, I'm so tired right now, and in my mind,
Speaker 1: I'm thinking I don't care about this petty problem, and
Speaker 1: what a what a horrible thing for me to think. Now,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to not deny that that was happening
Speaker 1: to me. I was thinking, I'm tired, I don't care.
Speaker 1: This is the stupid problem. We could solve it with
Speaker 1: one phone call or just avoid this person. Well, that's
Speaker 1: that wouldn't be a good father, and that's not what
Speaker 1: she wanted, and that wouldn't have been helpful. So I
Speaker 1: have to I have to deny that part of me.
Speaker 1: I say, I have to put that part of me
Speaker 1: to rest and go out of my comfort zone in
Speaker 1: order to pursue her. So Melissa, that's I don't know
Speaker 1: what you can get out of that. But you have
Speaker 1: to be creative. You have to deny your own sensibilities
Speaker 1: and go out of your comfort zone to bring her
Speaker 1: back in, and that connection will come back and the
Speaker 1: distance will close. Let's go to another question. Another anonymous
Speaker 1: actually says, Hey, Granger, I prefer to stay anonymous. I've
Speaker 1: been listening for a couple of years now, and I
Speaker 1: always look forward to hearing your perspective and your advice.
Speaker 1: I'm seeking advice now on how to handle a family
Speaker 1: member who is short and quick to anger with my
Speaker 1: very young children. They are an in law, quote with
Speaker 1: no blood relation to my husband or me. They state
Speaker 1: that they are a believer. They are generally irritable and
Speaker 1: quick to anger if things don't go according to their plan.
Speaker 1: I feel as though I should confront their behavior, especially
Speaker 1: in regards to my children, but honestly, I don't know
Speaker 1: how to do so lovingly. I know it's better to
Speaker 1: suffer for doing what is right than to suffer for
Speaker 1: what is wrong. But I'm seeking advice on how Thanks
Speaker 1: all right, Anonymous, A good question, and thank you so
Speaker 1: much for opening up with this. Here's what's interesting. I
Speaker 1: don't want to take anything out of context, especially in
Speaker 1: the Bible, And so I don't want us to think
Speaker 1: that the Bible is saying it's better to suffer for
Speaker 1: what is right and then suffer for doing wrong, and
Speaker 1: that includes watching our children get berated by this family member.
Speaker 1: Like that's not that would be way out of context,
Speaker 1: and that would be way outside of what we should
Speaker 1: be thinking. So I don't know the scenario of what
Speaker 1: short and quick to anger is with your children. Being
Speaker 1: short with your children no problem, but being angry with
Speaker 1: your children, that's an interesting thing. I would want to
Speaker 1: know more about why this family member is angry with
Speaker 1: your children. And maybe that's not what you meant, but
Speaker 1: that's kind of what it sounds like. I'm seeking advice
Speaker 1: on how to handle a family member who was short
Speaker 1: and quick to anger with my very young children, Anonymous says,
Speaker 1: And they're in law with no blood relation. I don't
Speaker 1: think that matters as much no blood relation to your husband.
Speaker 1: If they're in the family by marriage. I know it's difficult,
Speaker 1: but I wouldn't prioritize if they were blood it would
Speaker 1: be different, you know, I wouldn't say that. So I
Speaker 1: think we're kind of okay either way there. And then
Speaker 1: the fact that they say they're a believer. I think
Speaker 1: you mean they're a Christian. I don't think that matters either.
Speaker 1: I get where you're going. You're saying that a Christian
Speaker 1: should have fruit of this by being slow to anger
Speaker 1: and quick to listen. I know you're thinking that, but
Speaker 1: this is probably not a time. Doesn't sound like you
Speaker 1: guys have the kind of a relationship where this is
Speaker 1: something you're going to discuss in detail. So you say
Speaker 1: they are genuinely irritable and quick to anger if things
Speaker 1: don't go according to their plan. All this is fine,
Speaker 1: All this is normal. I would take out the context
Speaker 1: of suffering for doing what's right. I don't think you're
Speaker 1: being persecuted, and that's what that text would mean, that
Speaker 1: you're going to suffer for what's right. And this doesn't
Speaker 1: sound like persecution by any means that we would ever
Speaker 1: know in the life of the church over the years
Speaker 1: or in the world. So I don't want to overdramatize.
Speaker 1: I think we could sometimes over dramatize things by using
Speaker 1: biblical terms and saying things like, you know, I've got
Speaker 1: this family member that's kind of like gets really irritated
Speaker 1: if they don't get their way, but you know, I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna suffer through this because you know, it's better
Speaker 1: to suffer for what is right. It's like, ah, don't
Speaker 1: you're not a martyr, Like you're not like the government's
Speaker 1: not about to chop off your head. So I think
Speaker 1: that really, if we don't mention love in this answer,
Speaker 1: love is at the core of all this, and the
Speaker 1: best thing you can do is love them and the
Speaker 1: action that you're wanting from them, give that to them.
Speaker 1: So if you're wanting someone to be slow to listen
Speaker 1: and or quick to listen and slow to anger, if
Speaker 1: that's what you're wanting, then do that to them. Make
Speaker 1: sure that you're looking at yourself first and acting that
Speaker 1: way towards them, And that might not just change them
Speaker 1: right away, but but it certainly puts you in the
Speaker 1: right heart position so that you're not playing defense, you're
Speaker 1: playing offense here. But what I also want to address is,
Speaker 1: don't it wouldn't be okay if someone was angry with
Speaker 1: your young children and you're just letting it go and
Speaker 1: passing it off as this is. You know, I'm just
Speaker 1: going to suffer for this because they're family. It's totally fine.
Speaker 1: Absolutely fine to be during a time of good terms.
Speaker 1: You know, like you wouldn't want to just like you
Speaker 1: wouldn't want to discipline a child when you're angry. You
Speaker 1: wouldn't want to correct someone when you're you know, you're
Speaker 1: in the heat of the moment. So instead, not in
Speaker 1: the heat of the moment, wait till you have cooled
Speaker 1: your jets. And I think there's nothing wrong with pulling
Speaker 1: this person aside. At some point, you're taking a walk,
Speaker 1: you're you're both sitting in the backyard, You're both you know,
Speaker 1: in a lawn chair watching you know, the sprinklers, and
Speaker 1: you say, you mind if I tell you something? Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: what's up? Man? I don't want to. I don't want
Speaker 1: to cause a rift between us. But sometimes I see
Speaker 1: you get angry with my children, and I worry about that,
Speaker 1: not because I think you're gonna do any harm to them,
Speaker 1: but I kind of worry if if that's communicated wrong
Speaker 1: to them. And I want I want them to see
Speaker 1: you as the uncle, uh that they love, that they
Speaker 1: love being around. And sometimes when you're you're you snap
Speaker 1: at them and you're they don't understand. They're just they're
Speaker 1: two and four. They they don't always understand uh you
Speaker 1: you want things a certain way, and so I I
Speaker 1: feel like when you snap at them like that, it
Speaker 1: kind of gives them the wrong impression of the uncle
Speaker 1: that they love. Is there anything I could be doing that?
Speaker 1: Is there is there behavior things with them that that
Speaker 1: I could be working on just to make this a
Speaker 1: little bit better when when we're together as a family.
Speaker 1: I don't think there's if you presented that, especially if
Speaker 1: you said is there anything I could be doing? I
Speaker 1: don't think there's there's much of an argument that they
Speaker 1: could make by saying that they demanding that you discipline
Speaker 1: your your children differently, or I think it's either going
Speaker 1: to go one or two ways. Either gonna go They're
Speaker 1: gonna say, oh, yeah, I'm sorry, I'm just not good
Speaker 1: with children. I'm better with teenagers, or I'm better with adults,
Speaker 1: but I'm not good with young children. It's it irritates me,
Speaker 1: and that's that's on me. I'm sorry, I'm gonna work
Speaker 1: on that. They could go that way, or it could
Speaker 1: it could go the opposite, and they could they could say, look,
Speaker 1: I just I think your kids are are not well mannered,
Speaker 1: or I don't think your kids are disciplined enough, or
Speaker 1: you know, it could go that way too, but either way,
Speaker 1: at least the conversation is now on the table, and
Speaker 1: I promise you they're going to think about it the
Speaker 1: next time and don't answer them in anger. But it
Speaker 1: would be wrong, I think if you didn't at least
Speaker 1: bring it up, especially if they were angry with your children,
Speaker 1: and if they got to the point where they're yelling
Speaker 1: or any or especially if they touched them physically and
Speaker 1: grabbed them, you know, grab their arms or something. By
Speaker 1: all means, at that point you step in and you hey, uncle,
Speaker 1: I love you, but I will discipline the kids. Okay,
Speaker 1: let me let me handle this, and you go back
Speaker 1: to your you know, mahito, and I'll deal with the kids.
Speaker 1: I hope that provides enough of an answer, Anonymous, because
Speaker 1: I don't know enough about the scenario to give you
Speaker 1: any more. But I think the core of the answer
Speaker 1: is love. It's love, in fact, that's the core of this.
Speaker 1: Ending this conclusion, I love you guys. Thanks for emailing,
Speaker 1: and we'll see you next podcast. Thanks for joining me
Speaker 1: on the Grangersmith podcast. I appreciate all of you guys.
Speaker 1: You could help me out by rating this podcast on iTunes.
Speaker 1: If you're on YouTube, subscribe to this channel. Hit that
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Speaker 1: miss anytime I upload a video. YI