Speaker 1: The Nicky Glazer Podcast. Here, Nicky, hello here, I am
Speaker 1: welcome to the show. It's Nicki Glazer Podcast. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: turn down my welcome to the show. You guys. It's
Speaker 1: Nicky Glazer. It's Monday. Um joining us today in this
Speaker 1: special episode is on your Marina from New York. Noah
Speaker 1: is an Arizona, which is also a city in Arizona.
Speaker 1: We found that out from Brian Fanday last week and
Speaker 1: today from the streets of Brooklyn, Um walking his carry
Speaker 1: on luggage with a cigarette in his mouth and a
Speaker 1: tie around his neck. He's wearing the same alpity war
Speaker 1: lesson night. I don't even know that he changed out
Speaker 1: of it because his tie is still tied professionally, like
Speaker 1: he is a sloppy senator. It is Ian Finance, actually loopy,
Speaker 1: all Ian. You look great, Hey Finance. Hi, thank you? Right,
Speaker 1: so excited. I wore my suit because I spent a
Speaker 1: lot of money on it and I'm never taking it off. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you went to jose Banks yesterday, right, which they used
Speaker 1: to joke that that show you go like and you
Speaker 1: just get seven suits and they can all be dish rags.
Speaker 1: People like on SNL there was there was an SNL
Speaker 1: where like you buy seven suits and they're like cleaning
Speaker 1: up spills with them. It's a great suit. God, damn it, right,
Speaker 1: isn't it? You looked fantastic. I wouldn't know the difference
Speaker 1: between that and a nice suit, Like it looked nice
Speaker 1: to me? It was great. And you bought a tie.
Speaker 1: You looked so spiffy. And Last Night, of Course was
Speaker 1: the Mark Twain Prize Award for Humor that was presented
Speaker 1: to Adam Sandler and it was in Washington, d C.
Speaker 1: My boyfriend Chris Convey was the show runner for it,
Speaker 1: so I got a special invite, um to go watch it.
Speaker 1: I didn't have to do any work. I didn't have
Speaker 1: to present or do anything, not that they asked me,
Speaker 1: but um, it was nice to the night off and
Speaker 1: just go to an event. And um I had a
Speaker 1: plus one? And why did you chog? Why? Great question?
Speaker 1: I was like, do I ask I knew on you? What? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Do you want to answer? Why you think I chose you? Well?
Speaker 1: Can you not frame it in a why would you choose? Ian? Yeah?
Speaker 1: There was there was why judgment? Yeah, why would said why?
Speaker 1: A lot of friends I would like to know a
Speaker 1: lot more famous friends. UM no, no, I don't actually
Speaker 1: and you. UM. It's an interesting story how Ian came
Speaker 1: to even go to this because he, first of all,
Speaker 1: he's one of the first person that people I thought of.
Speaker 1: Because I was like, okay, it was last minute, it's
Speaker 1: in DC. I was gonna have to like probably get
Speaker 1: whoever's I was probably gonna fly my friend there put
Speaker 1: them up, and so I was thinking of people from
Speaker 1: New York that were wanted to go, and then I
Speaker 1: was like, there's no one really in New York that
Speaker 1: I definitely want to go to this with me, and
Speaker 1: it would be kind of like, I don't know. And
Speaker 1: then I see it's almost like my phone read my mind.
Speaker 1: Ian up a post that he's like in Arlington, Virginia,
Speaker 1: DC all weekend, and I saw his shows were until Saturday,
Speaker 1: and I texted him, I go, are you in DC
Speaker 1: on Sunday? He's like, I go back Saturday, and I go,
Speaker 1: what about Sunday? You go with me the Mark Twain
Speaker 1: Prize for Humor for Adam Sandler at the Kennedy Center.
Speaker 1: And he was like, oh my god, that sounds amazing.
Speaker 1: And then I was like I had to ask Chris like,
Speaker 1: because Chris was like, do you think you have a
Speaker 1: friend that would we're want to go? And I was like,
Speaker 1: I have a friend that wants to go, Canny go
Speaker 1: and he's like, let me make sure. So it was
Speaker 1: a little bit of waiting and then I finally said, yes, Ian,
Speaker 1: you're going with me? And he was like, I don't know, man,
Speaker 1: and then he tried to back out right. And I
Speaker 1: want to like read our conversation because it was an
Speaker 1: interesting I think a lot of people can learn from this.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I think it's a good life lesson. This
Speaker 1: is a hip of violation, like he's your therapist. This
Speaker 1: does feel no. I think people are going to learn
Speaker 1: from this. Um okay, I said, I go. Chris said
Speaker 1: it's looking good, and he goes, oh, and then I
Speaker 1: said and then a couple hours ago, I said, you're
Speaker 1: good to go, but the red carpet can't happen. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I could barely get on it. He said, Lol, So
Speaker 1: what do I do? Sit in a cage? I said,
Speaker 1: I totally get if you don't want to go, but
Speaker 1: I think it'll be fun. We have good seats, really
Speaker 1: good seats. You gotta go. He goes and I don't know. Man,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I'm kind of feeling anxious about it, about
Speaker 1: being alone with like a ton of celebrities and people
Speaker 1: I've grown up watching and I'm just some guy who
Speaker 1: no one knows. Lol, you know what I mean. And
Speaker 1: then I'm gonna be a needy friend LLL. I think
Speaker 1: we all relate to that feeling. Yeah, right, yes, I like,
Speaker 1: I don't want to go because I'm going to be
Speaker 1: not important there. There's gonna be people that are like,
Speaker 1: I hate going to these things. I always feel smaller.
Speaker 1: I'd always feel Even when I went to the Critic's
Speaker 1: Choice Awards and I was nominated, I was like, why
Speaker 1: am I here? Everyone's a big star. Also, this is
Speaker 1: all like fake and who cares? And it depressed me.
Speaker 1: So I get it. And I used to get invited
Speaker 1: to this ship all the time. When Amy started becoming
Speaker 1: super duper famous, she would invite me to premieres of
Speaker 1: stuff and and it was overwhelming. I didn't have like
Speaker 1: nice clothes, I didn't have stylists, I didn't have hair
Speaker 1: and makeup, and I was just like, I can't go
Speaker 1: to these events. I can't like mingle with Lebron James
Speaker 1: and Goldie Hawn and all these people that I met
Speaker 1: through there. But I always went because I knew that
Speaker 1: I would regret not going more than anything that could happen.
Speaker 1: And so I wrote to Ian. I said, okay, but
Speaker 1: why would you turn this fun down? I said, because
Speaker 1: you don't deserve to be around them. He said, L
Speaker 1: O L yes, I said, And this is the moment
Speaker 1: I said, Okay, well, then don't blame anyone but yourself
Speaker 1: when you aren't as successful as you want to be. Oooom,
Speaker 1: truth dropped by like it's true, because I go, okay, well,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm never gonna listen to Ian bitch
Speaker 1: about anything about his career ever if he's turning down
Speaker 1: this huge opportunity to be amongst the people that he
Speaker 1: should be amongst. You know. And by the way, if
Speaker 1: you get invited to something, unless you're sneaking in and
Speaker 1: jumping a fence and posing as a cater waiter to
Speaker 1: like get in, you deserve to be there. You got
Speaker 1: an invite, so by means of me inviting you equals
Speaker 1: you deserve to be there. Ian is dancing right now
Speaker 1: as he finishes his cigarette. The last man in America
Speaker 1: who smokes Yeah, and I'm not going to stop. We don't.
Speaker 1: We don't want you to know. It's like, yeah, that
Speaker 1: connection's perfect. Um, so yeah, I mean we all relate
Speaker 1: to this feeling. But it really did make me realize
Speaker 1: and I was talking to myself to like, I can't
Speaker 1: bitch about things that don't happen for me when I
Speaker 1: don't audition for I get auditions and then I don't
Speaker 1: do it, or I turn down things, or I you know,
Speaker 1: I just like pussy out of stuff because so much
Speaker 1: of this career is doing stuff you're scared of, and
Speaker 1: you're scared, so it means run into it. What was
Speaker 1: it like to get that text? Ian? Like, what range
Speaker 1: of emotions were you feeling. I'd love to hang with Nick.
Speaker 1: That's a good time, but I don't know. It's like
Speaker 1: all these celebrities and I've like worshiped Sandler and his
Speaker 1: friends and seeing all their movies and I know all
Speaker 1: these guys, and I just always feel less than when
Speaker 1: I'm not comfortable, especially like with industry people, where like
Speaker 1: I can't be friends with like agents or bookers because
Speaker 1: I feel like it's like, yeah, ultimately, I like want
Speaker 1: something from you, and I don't want to be friends
Speaker 1: with someone if there's that like thing in my mind.
Speaker 1: So I didn't want to be a tel. You go
Speaker 1: the rod with a towel. There had to be a
Speaker 1: moment where you were intimidated by a twel and we're
Speaker 1: like he asked you to hang out and you were like,
Speaker 1: I don't want to it's gonna be too weird. And
Speaker 1: look at you now, you know, like yeah, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: have to get over eat. He started calling me and
Speaker 1: was like, hey, you want to go eat And I
Speaker 1: was like I don't think I should. I don't deserve
Speaker 1: you know. And then it's like whatever. But obviously, like everyone,
Speaker 1: not just people in our you know, industry, can get
Speaker 1: in our own way, and I think, like I'll let
Speaker 1: anxiety and year in future trooping getting a way of
Speaker 1: Like all I had to do was go and just
Speaker 1: have a fun time. It wasn't like I wasn't like
Speaker 1: going there to try to get something out of it,
Speaker 1: Like it was just a thing to like, dude, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go and have fun. But I was just nervous
Speaker 1: about being like alone or like you know, everybody knows
Speaker 1: and loves you, And then I would just stand there
Speaker 1: like hello. Like my joke was like going up to
Speaker 1: people and being like, Hi, yes, I have a podcast,
Speaker 1: please interview me. But there's kind of something nice about
Speaker 1: like everyone of the if you looked around, there was
Speaker 1: maybe point zero two percent of people were famous in
Speaker 1: that point point two percent of people. Yea, thousands of
Speaker 1: people were actually yeah, there was no one recognizable. So
Speaker 1: it wasn't like you were at the Oscars at the
Speaker 1: exclusive after party there was most people were not comedians.
Speaker 1: It was like Washington DC types I don't even know.
Speaker 1: There was a lot of seat fillers. Yeah, and the
Speaker 1: people that I talked to that were like famous or whatever,
Speaker 1: we're like kind to me and nice. It was like
Speaker 1: totally fine. I just always feel weird being around people
Speaker 1: that I don't know, let alone people that I know
Speaker 1: about debate. I know and it just makes it pains
Speaker 1: me to hear that because I relate to it. But
Speaker 1: I'm also like, this is going to stand in your
Speaker 1: way so much to be successful, because you have to
Speaker 1: be delusional. If you learned, if we learned anything last
Speaker 1: night from the Mark Twain Prize for Humor for Adam Sandler,
Speaker 1: let me just tell you what it is. Adam Sandler
Speaker 1: is as successful as he is because a he works hard,
Speaker 1: but a bee, which is a huge bee, like almost
Speaker 1: as big as a He had confidence. Why did he
Speaker 1: have confidence because his whole family, he was never bullied
Speaker 1: by any of his He had brothers and sisters. They
Speaker 1: all showered him with like you are the best. His
Speaker 1: mom still says, like you're the best short stuff that
Speaker 1: ever could have been. He's never he doesn't play baseball,
Speaker 1: and she's like, well, you just and practice enough, you
Speaker 1: could have been. You could be anything you want to
Speaker 1: be if you practice hard enough. And he was instilled
Speaker 1: with that. He said, I mean, it was the theme
Speaker 1: throughout the night. And then he finally gets on stage
Speaker 1: at the end of the night. And you'll see this
Speaker 1: on CNN on Sunday if you watch the Mark Twain
Speaker 1: is so good. But if you watch it, he pretty
Speaker 1: much gets to the end end of it and he
Speaker 1: delivers his speech. After all these people have made fun
Speaker 1: of like this guy got so far with no talent
Speaker 1: and like just doing like shoo boo boo and like
Speaker 1: you know, like just being a goofball and wearing basketball
Speaker 1: shorts and not trying. But it's like he had confidence,
Speaker 1: and he even said it. He was like, my brother
Speaker 1: would be like, you're the funniest guy ever. You need
Speaker 1: to do comedy. His brother went to go see him
Speaker 1: for the first time to do comedy and he bombed.
Speaker 1: He was like, I think I bombed and his brother's like, no,
Speaker 1: you killed. Man. He goes, oh, I guess I killed,
Speaker 1: and his brotherly convinced him he killed, so he was
Speaker 1: able to go do it again. And if you don't
Speaker 1: have that in your life, which most people don't, you
Speaker 1: gotta fucking find a way to get that delusional kind
Speaker 1: of confidence. And most comedians do have it. Your mom
Speaker 1: gave you a lot of that ian you do have it. Well,
Speaker 1: you can't say confidence without saying confidance and name and no.
Speaker 1: I mean like a big part of everything is fake
Speaker 1: it till you make it and just act as if
Speaker 1: and it's it's just a difficult thing no matter what.
Speaker 1: Because Adam Sandler used to be that. But he I
Speaker 1: bet Adam Sandler wouldn't blink about getting an invite to
Speaker 1: these things, And by the way, I would have blinked too.
Speaker 1: I would have been like, I shouldn't go. But I'm like,
Speaker 1: if I lived life like Adam Sandler and just said
Speaker 1: yes to everything and felt like people need to hear
Speaker 1: what I have to say. And there was some comedian
Speaker 1: I was reading about recently who if the crowd didn't laugh,
Speaker 1: they would he would be like, they just don't get it, man,
Speaker 1: that sucks. They don't get it. Whereas I go, even
Speaker 1: when they do laugh, I go, they they I tricked them.
Speaker 1: They they they're stupid. They don't they like but to
Speaker 1: beat have the goal of a comedian and be like
Speaker 1: if you bomb, to put that on them, of like
Speaker 1: you guys just don't get me is a level of
Speaker 1: sociopathy I do not want to have. But there's a
Speaker 1: there's a medium. There's a good medium to have of
Speaker 1: like not thinking that you're tricking everyone because you're not.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's ridiculous, but also to not to not
Speaker 1: be like cocky and um but I kind of wish
Speaker 1: I did have that a little bit of like, but
Speaker 1: I must anyone who um ian's going through the NASA
Speaker 1: training program to buy the space station apparently any it
Speaker 1: sounds like you're going through eighteen different like air chambers,
Speaker 1: a metal harness. He's clipping on himself. Sound like that,
Speaker 1: Um I hope. I hope you go the way of
Speaker 1: the challenger. I am confidence in you. I do. I
Speaker 1: really think you could. You could beat at those O
Speaker 1: rings that weren't attacked properly. I think you something about
Speaker 1: you being on board. It'll I hope you later anyway,
Speaker 1: But I did that text from Nikki inspire you to go?
Speaker 1: Did it turn your around to make you go? Yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 1: And I like talk to some friends and stuff, like
Speaker 1: I was with racing and I was like, dude, I
Speaker 1: just feel like my weird like I don't belong, you know,
Speaker 1: like I don't like I feel like a like a weirdo.
Speaker 1: I don't ever want to be like a try hard
Speaker 1: or like like God like in search myself into things
Speaker 1: that I don't belong and I I just, uh, I
Speaker 1: don't know. But it was nice. I'm saying if you
Speaker 1: were like I asked, it was almost in searching to me.
Speaker 1: I I like, it's not that serious. I can make
Speaker 1: a mountain out of a mole hill and I can
Speaker 1: be like, yes, this is let me overthink everything. And
Speaker 1: it was like no, I just got out of my way. Okay,
Speaker 1: So then Ian fucking have fun. You know, he decides
Speaker 1: to go and he embraces it. He goes up and
Speaker 1: gets a suit. I fucking loved him for it. He
Speaker 1: gets me a thank you card, he got me flat hours.
Speaker 1: He comes in, he gets a cigarette case, he gets
Speaker 1: a little cigarette extender thing that they were in the
Speaker 1: nineteen twenties that like earlier. And then um oh he
Speaker 1: was I didn't even see that. Uh. And then he
Speaker 1: also got a cane, a new cane called a Pippie
Speaker 1: cane because the cat's name was Pippie or something. There's
Speaker 1: a cat on it. He's telling that story all night.
Speaker 1: No one, No one cared. No Ian looked fucking great
Speaker 1: and was just such a good sport and came in
Speaker 1: and was like he came to my hotel room. Chris
Speaker 1: was staying at the Four Seasons, which was so nice.
Speaker 1: By the way, I saw Jennifer Anniston as I was
Speaker 1: checking in yesterday. I thought this was gonna be the
Speaker 1: weekend I met Jennifer Anniston. It's been a big build up.
Speaker 1: This is like one of my last celebrities on my
Speaker 1: you know, Obama and Jennifer Anston are like the two
Speaker 1: left that I'm like, those are my biggies. And I
Speaker 1: thought this was gonna be the weekend. It wasn't, but
Speaker 1: I did see her in the flesh for the first time,
Speaker 1: both at the award but also walking into the I
Speaker 1: went to go get Starbucks and I was coming back
Speaker 1: to the Four Seasons and she was coming in and
Speaker 1: I saw her like she had her bag on the
Speaker 1: ground by the valet and she was like looking through
Speaker 1: it and I saw her gorgeous golden locks, and then
Speaker 1: she stood up and she was a tiny person. She
Speaker 1: was like five one. I was very very short. I
Speaker 1: was because so many like actors and like big, bigger
Speaker 1: like movie stars and stuff, are short, and I'm a
Speaker 1: short guy. So that, yeah, that does feel good. She's
Speaker 1: a woman though, so it kind of works. But um oh,
Speaker 1: I'm kidding, people are gonna be number mine. I won't
Speaker 1: say what people are gonna say because I'll just let
Speaker 1: them say it anyway. So, um, I saw Jennifer instant.
Speaker 1: And then I was at four the four Season, which
Speaker 1: was such a nice hotel. It's just like the place.
Speaker 1: There were paparazzi up front all day because there was
Speaker 1: a sports seam there the night before. There's a basketball team,
Speaker 1: a bunch of famous people, and then what are you
Speaker 1: laughing at No. It was funny because at the end
Speaker 1: of the night we were hanging out and there were
Speaker 1: some sports you're checking in and Nicki was sticking her
Speaker 1: face or like this gap in the wall and was like,
Speaker 1: what sport are you? Sport are you? Because we were like,
Speaker 1: are they a basketball team or a football team? But
Speaker 1: it's clearly football is not in season and there were
Speaker 1: no black guys, so it is a hockey team. So
Speaker 1: I just kept yelling what sport and you couldn't see me.
Speaker 1: My head was like through the slats. There was like
Speaker 1: it was this slatted wall that separated the bar and
Speaker 1: restaurant from the hotel lobby. So anyway, I've got to
Speaker 1: go to break, but I'm going to talk about how
Speaker 1: Ian came in like a wrecking ball to my hotel room,
Speaker 1: and then we have a story of the aftermath. Ian.
Speaker 1: It's so funny, and we'll talk about our night and
Speaker 1: all the celebrit was so exciting when we get back
Speaker 1: right over this, All right, we're back with Ian Finance
Speaker 1: from the hit podcast b and Ian. He also has
Speaker 1: a Patreon for that show or no sorry, what is
Speaker 1: it called? Being in with Jordan? With Jordan being in
Speaker 1: with Jordan. Oh my gosh, Jordan is so freaking funny.
Speaker 1: What's Jordan's last name again, Jens Jensen. I knew it,
Speaker 1: said at the same time as you. Yeah, she is
Speaker 1: so funny. Um, and I'm attracted to her me too. Whoa, Okay,
Speaker 1: she was raised by two women and she just has
Speaker 1: and she's strange. She has a masculine quality, but she
Speaker 1: just has this confidence and like I love her eyes,
Speaker 1: her face. Yea, you look like her, that's it. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, she's just I think she's so pretty and
Speaker 1: just has a cool vibe. She's so cool. I haven't
Speaker 1: met her in person yet. I saw her at the
Speaker 1: seller one time, and obviously I knew who she was,
Speaker 1: but I was almost like intimidated to say him. She
Speaker 1: was at the back table the fucking best. We have
Speaker 1: so much fun together and we're like best friends anyway.
Speaker 1: So like we had we both had off last night
Speaker 1: last week, like one night. Yeah, and we were podcasting Monday,
Speaker 1: podcasting Wednesday, and we were both off Tuesday night. So
Speaker 1: we went and saw a movie together. You see Scream
Speaker 1: and did you? It was a movie. It was good.
Speaker 1: It was a fun rom at the cinema. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: I haven't seen Screams since Scream Too. I think, Oh,
Speaker 1: you got very fun. It's a fun little series. That
Speaker 1: was such a good movie. When Jada Pickett Smith gets
Speaker 1: a fucking knife through the head when she's in the bathroom,
Speaker 1: she's the first one killed. I think in that in
Speaker 1: that movie. No, Drew Barrymore was which who we saw
Speaker 1: last night? Okay, so we're back. Check out being Ian
Speaker 1: with Jordan his podcast, and he's so funny. He was
Speaker 1: a perfect date to have because Ian is this person
Speaker 1: that he's so comical looking. He's such a cool looking guy,
Speaker 1: but he also looks funny and nice and approachable, and
Speaker 1: he is all those things. So he's a perfect date.
Speaker 1: I chose Ian mainly because I remember remember gad El Malay,
Speaker 1: how do you say this last name? How could we
Speaker 1: forget Nay? Remember gad was obsessed with you. I just
Speaker 1: always remember he was like, what is this man? I'm
Speaker 1: fascinated by him? You should be a star. I just
Speaker 1: think the celebrities are like obsessed with Ian, Like I
Speaker 1: just knew he would be someone that would be like
Speaker 1: flashy and everyone would And I even heard people at
Speaker 1: the after party going and the guy in the mustache apparently,
Speaker 1: and then I like didn't say, but I heard someone
Speaker 1: be like and the guy with the cave like they
Speaker 1: were like everyone loving you. Every time you would walk away,
Speaker 1: people would be like, is the cana prop or does
Speaker 1: he really need it? I was like, he was hit
Speaker 1: by a car three years ago, so he kind of
Speaker 1: needed a first and now it's more of an ex Really, Oh,
Speaker 1: I thought he was just talking. Yeah. No, I separated
Speaker 1: my sacrum from my pelvis and I slipped my L
Speaker 1: four and L five. Shout out, Dawn, my osteopath. Thank you, Um,
Speaker 1: so you're you're healed again. She really healed you. You're osteopath,
Speaker 1: she yelled me. And then I gotta, I gotta go
Speaker 1: back this week and then I and then I start
Speaker 1: physical therapy. He's just dropping glass. He's not peacocking either.
Speaker 1: He needs those um for his personality. A handicap. Wait,
Speaker 1: what did I say last night involving handicap? That was
Speaker 1: so funny? Ian I had a good line about it
Speaker 1: was so good. God, damn it, I don't know. I forget,
Speaker 1: Please God, can we remember? Because it was it was
Speaker 1: good enough to write down almost anyway. We had so
Speaker 1: many good jokes. I said, I was cracking up, and also,
Speaker 1: Dan's just a great date because it's the I have
Speaker 1: anxiety in those moments too. I was not there working.
Speaker 1: I don't know if anyone fucking knows who I am.
Speaker 1: I didn't feel I was just sitting with the general audience.
Speaker 1: I wasn't like up on the sides with all the celebrities.
Speaker 1: There was no like vip pass that I had, Like
Speaker 1: I'm friends with dad, but hey, we were with some celebrities.
Speaker 1: We were very close to Wolf Blitzer. He was behind
Speaker 1: us the blitz. Yeah, world War One call back to
Speaker 1: um so he yeah, he was sitting behind us, but
Speaker 1: um yeah. So Ian comes to my hotel room to
Speaker 1: get ready. I've already had hair and makeup. Come to
Speaker 1: my room. I had a great team. Um and I'm
Speaker 1: in my robe but I'm all done up. I'm like,
Speaker 1: don't want to get him my dressed yet because it's
Speaker 1: so tight. And Ian comes in, and I thought Ian
Speaker 1: was I got him a hotel room. I thought he
Speaker 1: was gonna like go to his in a different hotel,
Speaker 1: but it was like close enough by. I thought he
Speaker 1: was gonna go to his hotel and get ready and
Speaker 1: then come meet me like ready. But he comes in
Speaker 1: with his suitcase and like all of his bloggings has
Speaker 1: not jumped into his hotel yet, and he comes in.
Speaker 1: He has to take a shower and he has to
Speaker 1: like totally get ready. He but he's immediately after his shower,
Speaker 1: he's sweating so much. And I was cold because I'm
Speaker 1: about to be cold all night long. So I blasted
Speaker 1: the heat a little bit. It was hot, but then
Speaker 1: I turned it down and you were still sweating all
Speaker 1: night long, all night loss. Yeah, I two together your problem.
Speaker 1: But also you want to go back and and read
Speaker 1: your little text you said, Yeah, the room and get ready.
Speaker 1: I'm thinking get ready for finishing touches like tie to tie,
Speaker 1: Like I didn't know who would be like take a
Speaker 1: shower in my boyfriend room. Oh, probably that too. So
Speaker 1: he comes in. He has all of his cigarettes light
Speaker 1: out on the bed. He's taking his cigarettes out of
Speaker 1: the path pristine white bed because he has a cigarette
Speaker 1: case that he got that's a silver case and he
Speaker 1: wants to take them out of the unsightly Um. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so he has a beautiful so he has all the
Speaker 1: loose there's tobacco all over litter all over my boyfriend's bed. Um.
Speaker 1: Then he goes and takes a shower, which is fine,
Speaker 1: like I didn't care. Then he's like he's sweating so
Speaker 1: much he can't get dressed because he can't, and I'm
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'll blast the ac I'm so sorry, So
Speaker 1: I'm doing that he is. Then he goes in the
Speaker 1: bathroom and I it's getting the way where it was like, Ian,
Speaker 1: we gotta go. I guess he's shaving his mustache and
Speaker 1: I just hear like him squeal in pain and then
Speaker 1: start laughing maniacally like Joker style, and I go, what's
Speaker 1: going on? And he's got blood coming down his lip,
Speaker 1: like into his teeth, on his lip, eating everywhere, and
Speaker 1: he's like it's okay, it's okay. And I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: is it really okay? How are you going to stop that? Up?
Speaker 1: In five minutes, our ober is coming? And it was
Speaker 1: so because we've were laughing so hard because I and
Speaker 1: describe what you thought like it was a hilarious image
Speaker 1: Right now. I could not have a funnier thing. Then
Speaker 1: sitting at this prestigious award show at the Kennedy Center
Speaker 1: for the Mark Twain Brice for American Humor and its
Speaker 1: Celebrities a galla then and the camera goes to Nicky
Speaker 1: Blazer at CNN and and I'm sitting there smiling with
Speaker 1: a mouthful of blood just in my teeth, jed like,
Speaker 1: with your fucking cane cigarette. Nobody knows me and I'm
Speaker 1: the guy who's who's bleeding. Look like I have a
Speaker 1: head injury on the red carpet. You look like a
Speaker 1: young Mark Twain too. You would say that to you
Speaker 1: last night? You kind of does no, totally your love. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so he stops it up, and then we finally leave,
Speaker 1: and um we go. We go to the event, and
Speaker 1: it was so fine. Before we get to the event,
Speaker 1: we go downstairs and we sit with David Spade and
Speaker 1: Chris Rock and Ted Assistant and Ted Silanos. Anyone know
Speaker 1: who that is? The man who owns Netflix? Oh himself?
Speaker 1: Guy's a charge of Netflix. Dude, did you bleed on him?
Speaker 1: I think it's Soranos or Sarah Serranos. But this was wild.
Speaker 1: I okay, I have to do a thought experiment of
Speaker 1: what we all would do. Okay, because this is Ian finance.
Speaker 1: He I would want no one else to be my
Speaker 1: date I asked for this. I just I'm not I
Speaker 1: just want to know what y'all would do. Okay, So
Speaker 1: we are sitting with Um, David Spade and Chris Rock
Speaker 1: and Ted. Ted joins a little bit later, but Um
Speaker 1: and David's assistant Heather, who I love, and I could
Speaker 1: tell Ian's like a little nervous, but he's fine. Like
Speaker 1: it's I'm nervous. I'm not usually around Chris Rock. Like
Speaker 1: it's like I wasn't nervous, but it's like, you know,
Speaker 1: it was a little bit like, oh my god, you know,
Speaker 1: and I just watched Chris A specials. So I'm telling
Speaker 1: him about I feel about that, and we're all just
Speaker 1: like having fun and chatting, and Ian's fine. And when
Speaker 1: we really that's what we realized, like we're not gonna
Speaker 1: be able to eat before this thing, and it's gonna
Speaker 1: be we're going right to the event. If we're about
Speaker 1: to get an uber, we're going right to the vent.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be three and a half hours and then
Speaker 1: we're not gonna eat and Um, and Ian's hungry, and
Speaker 1: so I was like, and I have my bars with me,
Speaker 1: so I'm gonna be fine. I know that. But um,
Speaker 1: because I expect no place to have vegan food. But Ian,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh fuck. So I was like, it is
Speaker 1: okay if Ian has some chips and fries. They had
Speaker 1: like this little centerpiece of fries and chips that they
Speaker 1: like brought to all the tables and um, They're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's fine. So Ian takes some chips and it was fine.
Speaker 1: And then there's this like the shrimp cocktail that is
Speaker 1: sitting untouched, like on the side of the table. No,
Speaker 1: no, no no, it was not a shrimp cocktail. These were
Speaker 1: the largest frauns giant ever seen, I mean giant August.
Speaker 1: There's probably how many were there six five okay five
Speaker 1: and had had anyone had one yet none okay had
Speaker 1: food on the table. Yeah, they were eating. No one's
Speaker 1: touching that. They got all this food going to there's
Speaker 1: all this food. Okay, there's not all this food. Chris
Speaker 1: Rock has the Caesar salad, there's like the French fries.
Speaker 1: Uh Spade has his plate of meat or whatever, and
Speaker 1: then there's the shrimp cocktail. But it's not being touched.
Speaker 1: But it seems like it's it's part of the smartest part,
Speaker 1: you know, like it's gonna be along. Maybe they're gonna
Speaker 1: sit there a while. So Ian goes, would you guys
Speaker 1: mind if I had some of the shrimp? And they go, yeah,
Speaker 1: my god, sure? What did you say? Spade asked if
Speaker 1: I wanted the shrimp because I kept going back for
Speaker 1: the fries, and he goes, here, have have some Have
Speaker 1: some of the shrimp. Okay, some of the shrimp. So Ian,
Speaker 1: what would you do if you were starving and it
Speaker 1: was it was offered to you? Said? He said, have
Speaker 1: the shrimp. No, you can't take it back. Listen, he said,
Speaker 1: have Even if he said have the shrimp, let me
Speaker 1: just put this to you guys, and you're starving, and
Speaker 1: you do see a lot of food there. They've already
Speaker 1: got their main dish. The appetizer maybe arrived with the
Speaker 1: main dish. So maybe it's like part of it. I
Speaker 1: don't know. I get appetizers in my main dish together.
Speaker 1: So Ian is offered the shrimp, right, so he takes
Speaker 1: it over and puts it in front of himself. If
Speaker 1: you were Ian, how many shrimp would you have had?
Speaker 1: Of those five shrimp? If you were not a guest
Speaker 1: at this table about to leave in three minutes? How
Speaker 1: many shrimp? Would you have of these giant prawns? If
Speaker 1: Spade told me have the shrimp, I would eat four
Speaker 1: of the existing five and then say are you sure
Speaker 1: I can have all of these? And then I'd finish
Speaker 1: off the fifth if I got permission. If he said
Speaker 1: have some of the shrimp, I'd eat two and then
Speaker 1: probably asked I remember what we said, because actually Spade
Speaker 1: has a joke about he sometimes says shrimps instead of
Speaker 1: shrimp because it's just a funny thing to say to
Speaker 1: waiters and waitresses to be like, I think I'll have
Speaker 1: the shrimps, and they go, okay, yeah, you'll have the
Speaker 1: cocktail shrimp. And then he goes, yeah, let's do one
Speaker 1: of the cocktail shrimps. And he just keeps hitting shrimps.
Speaker 1: So he said that. He goes, do you want some shrimps?
Speaker 1: To Ian? I believe that was the phrase. Ian puts
Speaker 1: it in front of him. I look over. Within three minutes,
Speaker 1: he's sucking off the last one. He's completely decimated this
Speaker 1: untouched shrimps appetizer. And I just and I am like
Speaker 1: a little bit embarrassed because this is my guest that
Speaker 1: they don't know, and he's just eating a complete appetizer
Speaker 1: that they didn't even touch. That it was probably thirty
Speaker 1: five dollars. I mean, at least when this menu and
Speaker 1: they're with three of the most powerful people in common
Speaker 1: in all of comedy and entertainment. He gave him a
Speaker 1: great story, and I wonder why Ian wasn't scared to
Speaker 1: be around famous people and he can't trust himself. I mean,
Speaker 1: I wanted to tell him Ian the ocean called, they're
Speaker 1: running out of shrimp, like I wanted to do the
Speaker 1: classic Seinfeld line because you were stuff in your face
Speaker 1: like George was. And then that board meeting when he goes,
Speaker 1: oh the church store called, and they're running out of
Speaker 1: you and they it was exactly like that. You just
Speaker 1: had your last strip in your mouth and then um.
Speaker 1: So I just thought that was so funny, because in
Speaker 1: no world would I I would of course I would
Speaker 1: want all of them. I would. I would be obsessive
Speaker 1: about There's been so many times I've been at dinner
Speaker 1: and people don't eat all of something an appetizer, but I,
Speaker 1: because I'm not paying and I'm not a guest, I
Speaker 1: will not dare eat them. And maybe that's my problem.
Speaker 1: Maybe I should we shall all be more like an
Speaker 1: and you can't be listen to any or if you know,
Speaker 1: if you're putting shrimps in front of me, Yeah, to
Speaker 1: know something. I'm a dirty dig delaware doozy and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna eat them all. Okay, It's just it is what
Speaker 1: it is. And and can I also say they weren't
Speaker 1: touching them? No, they were front. You weren't wrong. It
Speaker 1: wasn't about that though. It wasn't about like if they
Speaker 1: would know You're totally right, But why would they order
Speaker 1: it if it didn't seem even good for to have
Speaker 1: one of them like they you didn't give this. Maybe
Speaker 1: they gotta face like a complimentary thing from the restaurant. No,
Speaker 1: they did not. There's no complimentary shrimps. If we got
Speaker 1: there was like a you know, I's trying to spin it. Sorry, No,
Speaker 1: I'm not done with Ian. I'm not done Ian. I
Speaker 1: have a couple more things to call you out on.
Speaker 1: And don't you all come at me and goo Nikki's
Speaker 1: bullying Ian. I don't want to hear any of that. Ship.
Speaker 1: I'm so tired of being called out for being mean
Speaker 1: to boys when all I watch on Instagram is reels
Speaker 1: of boys being mean show each other in podcasts and
Speaker 1: everyone fucking eats it up. I'm giving Ian shit behavioral things,
Speaker 1: and I can take it back myself. You can give
Speaker 1: me shit about stuff I do. Try like just and
Speaker 1: I know you're like, no, you can't take it. Well,
Speaker 1: if I can't, then I can't. But I'm I'm serious.
Speaker 1: This is coming from love, so ea. And also what
Speaker 1: Nikki's not telling you is it? I thank them and
Speaker 1: I put the shrimp shells on my fingers and said,
Speaker 1: would anyone like? And that goes. We need to give
Speaker 1: this guy a development deal. Yeah, three specials, just like Chappelle.
Speaker 1: This guy has something to say about the trance community
Speaker 1: three different ways for three hours. So yeah, yeah, you're right,
Speaker 1: actually does have some experience. Yea. That Yan's gonna go
Speaker 1: to Long john Silver's with Ted uh talk out their deal. Okay, Simpson,
Speaker 1: So I can't tell if it's your cane or your cat.
Speaker 1: This cat looks severely terrified. I got that looks like
Speaker 1: piano cat. It looks paralyzed. Okay, so let me just Ian.
Speaker 1: I have I have to just share a couple more things,
Speaker 1: so then then let's just okay. So we went to
Speaker 1: the event. We'll tell you more about that in a bit.
Speaker 1: But we get back at the end of the night
Speaker 1: and we're all in this blick bar area, and by
Speaker 1: the way, there is a group of people that include
Speaker 1: Ben Stiller and Chris Rock like at the same bar
Speaker 1: that we're at in the lobby, but we're sitting at
Speaker 1: a different table. And in that group it was also
Speaker 1: a girl that looked exactly like Jennif Fransen. So I
Speaker 1: thought Jennif Franston was there, but it was her. It
Speaker 1: was it was a doppelganger. But it was so funny
Speaker 1: because our table didn't see what I saw, which was
Speaker 1: this girl that looked like jenn Franson. And there were
Speaker 1: two Khaki, Chris's sister, and then Bihar Kuren, Chris's brothers. Date.
Speaker 1: Khaki and Bihar we're talking about Brad Pitt very loudly
Speaker 1: and like as you would like in conversation with your girlfriends,
Speaker 1: like at a bar it would be. But I'm like, guys, no,
Speaker 1: like like it was like the only it was so
Speaker 1: funny that like, and I've this has happened a lot
Speaker 1: in my life where I will hear people talk about
Speaker 1: celebrities that I know. Next to and I'm like, you
Speaker 1: think you can talk about celebrities whenever you want, but
Speaker 1: there are certain times when those celebrities or the people
Speaker 1: they've dated is like right next to you. And at
Speaker 1: the Four Seasons in DC, on this specific night, you
Speaker 1: couldn't talk about celebrities openly. I mean, it was teaming
Speaker 1: with them, so but it I kept saying a couple
Speaker 1: of things that I like, was like, oh, I forgot
Speaker 1: where I am. Like I told Nikki, I was going
Speaker 1: around going Eyeszone Obama, I have eyes. We are at
Speaker 1: the Kennedy sent and then at one point, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I kept just eating. I wouldn't look at Ian and
Speaker 1: I would just go, Nope, don't say it. Because there
Speaker 1: were just so many times to make really right wing
Speaker 1: conservative like Storm of the Capitol type jokes where Ian
Speaker 1: would like people and be like, hey, hi, I'm eighty
Speaker 1: eight million people really voted for Biden. Gonna believe it anyway.
Speaker 1: I have a podcast and a cat named Samson. H
Speaker 1: you got a shrimps. It's so funny that there were
Speaker 1: only five or six there. Oh yeah, I mean it
Speaker 1: was a shrimp cocktail. It was decorating the side of
Speaker 1: the dish. But they were hanging out like they were
Speaker 1: jumbo shrimps, and so I can't, like, can stop saying shrimps.
Speaker 1: It's so funny. So we go back and it's like
Speaker 1: I can tell it's like eat, time for Ian to go.
Speaker 1: My boyfriend is about to arrive. And Ian has been
Speaker 1: with me all night, and it's like we're tied aired
Speaker 1: and and Ian just eight and I can tell that
Speaker 1: like Ian's like leg is just moving like he's working
Speaker 1: a sewing machine, like it's going up and down so fast.
Speaker 1: There were so many times during the night I just
Speaker 1: had to like and he'd like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I'm like, it's okay. I just want to calm your
Speaker 1: leg down. So Ian was re earned to go and
Speaker 1: um He's like, I gotta go back up to your
Speaker 1: room to get um my suitcase and stuff that he
Speaker 1: had up there. And I was like, oh great. So
Speaker 1: I hand him a hotel key and he goes up
Speaker 1: there and he is up there for so long because
Speaker 1: I said, grab me a protein bar because there was
Speaker 1: nothing on this menu and I was like, I'm hungry.
Speaker 1: So he grabs me one. He comes right down. I go,
Speaker 1: why did it take I texted him, why is it
Speaker 1: taking you eight hours to back? Like what is going
Speaker 1: on up there? And he's like, I had to pack
Speaker 1: and he comes back down and then he leaves, and
Speaker 1: then Chris and I go up to the So Chris,
Speaker 1: let me just say, oh, Ian's gone. Oh he's got
Speaker 1: to come back for this because it's too funny. And
Speaker 1: I'm gonna send you guys a picture of what I
Speaker 1: came back to in the Oh my god, I cannot
Speaker 1: even imagine more tobacco. It's like tobacco in a heart
Speaker 1: shape on the bed. Oh my god, that would be
Speaker 1: so funny, like a honeymoon suite. And I love that
Speaker 1: your vibe is so easy with him though, Like I
Speaker 1: love that you can give him so much shit and
Speaker 1: he loves it. Yeah. I mean he's a goofball and
Speaker 1: I that's why I love him though. He's so quirky,
Speaker 1: but he's happy, go lucky. That's like, yeah, what I
Speaker 1: imagine when I hear that term. Yeah, I've always wanted
Speaker 1: to have a brother like this, Like so I we
Speaker 1: could talk shit to each other a little bit, like
Speaker 1: just even saying, what are you doing up there for
Speaker 1: so long? Like I don't have a relationship like that.
Speaker 1: Anyone I have a relationship with that literally everyone of
Speaker 1: every there's no one I wouldn't go like, what are
Speaker 1: you doing up there? Like come on, I mean, it's
Speaker 1: the way my dad talks. I just hear my dad
Speaker 1: constantly being judgmental and like, what are taking so long?
Speaker 1: And I go, where did I get my judgmental like
Speaker 1: impatient bitch mode from Daddy's girl Daddy? But yeah, it's
Speaker 1: like it was getting to the point where it was
Speaker 1: like what could he be doing up there? It was
Speaker 1: like really a long time and so and by the way,
Speaker 1: Chris is not like a fan of smoking or tobacco products,
Speaker 1: So there was a point when there was tobacco in
Speaker 1: the bed that I was like, let's clean up all
Speaker 1: of this, so it's not like sitting here all night.
Speaker 1: And so I got it off the bed and I
Speaker 1: go back upstairs with Chris. And by the way, Chris
Speaker 1: has worked, I mean, Chris has probably slept four hours
Speaker 1: in the past week working on the show, and he
Speaker 1: is about to only get forty five minutes of sleep
Speaker 1: before he has to get on a plane tomorrow to
Speaker 1: go start editing this because he has to deliver it
Speaker 1: on Friday, and it's a huge edit job and we
Speaker 1: are watching Ian zip his pants. Okay, started with your penis.
Speaker 1: I thought you were doing a bit du Literally, the
Speaker 1: camera came back on and the Ian is zipping up
Speaker 1: his pants. O god, I'm glad you got whatever that
Speaker 1: was done. It was a prawn my phone. Yeah, there'd
Speaker 1: be hilarious. And then I went to the bathroom and
Speaker 1: I ran out. Oh, I know exactly what you did.
Speaker 1: I know how you live it, man, So thank you,
Speaker 1: welcome back to the show. So I was just saying
Speaker 1: you were, um, you know, on the you had gone
Speaker 1: up there, you'd taken a while long time. We go
Speaker 1: back up and Chris literally has forty five minutes to
Speaker 1: fall asleep before he has to get up and start putting, putting,
Speaker 1: writing in notes and then take his fight back to
Speaker 1: La to start editing. He has no time. So we
Speaker 1: get there and um, I go in the bathroom and
Speaker 1: I'm washing my face and I'm getting ready for bed,
Speaker 1: and Chris is kind of like, you know, packing up
Speaker 1: stuff in the room and I go, I look in
Speaker 1: the trash and I'm just gonna send you a picture
Speaker 1: of what I see in the trash. Okay, and this is.
Speaker 1: This is at the Four Seasons by the way, which
Speaker 1: is like the nicest hotel you can stay at. This
Speaker 1: is what Ian has placed in the trash. And I
Speaker 1: just want to know, like if you had to dispose
Speaker 1: of this product or like this bag of things, like
Speaker 1: do you think do you think you I'm sending it
Speaker 1: to YouTube and so you can see what you laft. No,
Speaker 1: it's so funny. So I don't even know what what
Speaker 1: in the world like any it's a giant bag of
Speaker 1: like cigarettes and other things a bag, but you placed
Speaker 1: it on top of the trash, almost like on the
Speaker 1: very top, so I get it. I'm like, Chris, there's
Speaker 1: like a really I go, this is I just want
Speaker 1: you to know I'm not smoking Marlborough rets. This is
Speaker 1: again you didn't even try to like tuck it in
Speaker 1: the dress like I guess I'm just running through what
Speaker 1: I would do, would just like hide my disgusting, smelly tobacco.
Speaker 1: But you did put it in a ziploc bag, which
Speaker 1: I appreciate. It's trash. It looks like it was a
Speaker 1: Christmas display. It just look like a beautiful display. And
Speaker 1: also did you did you notice I hate the towels
Speaker 1: with my blood on it. I'm getting to that, mister,
Speaker 1: I't that so so I was just like, I go, Chris,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry he didn't tuck it more in because it's
Speaker 1: like a beautiful towel than there's just like this white
Speaker 1: rash trash sticking out. It's the most I was like
Speaker 1: that fucking hillbilly. And he goes, did you just call
Speaker 1: him a hillbilly? And I was like yes, this is
Speaker 1: a fucking hillbilly moment. So then we go to bed
Speaker 1: and um, Chris sleeps for forty five minutes. I don't
Speaker 1: even sleep in the time that he's sleeping, so I'm
Speaker 1: awake the whole time. I hear his alarm go off.
Speaker 1: He gets up and he just wants to take a
Speaker 1: hot shower before he gets on the plane. And he
Speaker 1: just comes back and he goes, hey, um, did like,
Speaker 1: did Ian like shower here? And I was like yeah
Speaker 1: he did, and he goes, yeah, there's no towels left,
Speaker 1: so he had no towels And then I'm this and
Speaker 1: I go, babe, I'm so sorry. You can use the bathroom.
Speaker 1: There's a fresh bathroom you could use that. He's like,
Speaker 1: you know what, I don't even. He wasn't mad at all.
Speaker 1: He was like, no, no, no, it's fine. But I
Speaker 1: was just like, he was like, make yourself at home,
Speaker 1: and there's no main surface between when Ian is at
Speaker 1: my place and we are going to have to use
Speaker 1: this again. So this morning, Ian, I woke up and
Speaker 1: I got the bathroom and I see, I see what
Speaker 1: Chris is attempted to look for in towels. And they're
Speaker 1: towels hanging up and there's two of them. And what
Speaker 1: Christmas have done was looking these towels to see if
Speaker 1: they were like clean enough or had any like spray
Speaker 1: tan stains, because he's used to seeing like my spray
Speaker 1: tan on stuff and like going, it's dirty. And there
Speaker 1: was blood all of his face. Chris just wanting a
Speaker 1: hot shower in his own hotel room. I'd like to
Speaker 1: dry off. Accordingly, there's not wet towels. There's like thirteen
Speaker 1: packs of Morrows, and there's blood all over the towels.
Speaker 1: It was so funny this. I started laughing so hard.
Speaker 1: But he Chris, did I give a shit. I was
Speaker 1: just like that fucking hill billy, bleeding and sweating all
Speaker 1: over town. It was so funny tobacco. I didn't even
Speaker 1: get into the after party. I know, Ian, you have
Speaker 1: to go, but we go. We go to the after
Speaker 1: party and Ian so it was like delicious food at
Speaker 1: the after party. There are shrimp cocktails at the party.
Speaker 1: How many did Ean have and how many shrimps are
Speaker 1: on each one? Four? How many shrimp cocktails did e
Speaker 1: In have? Four? So he did have two shrimp after
Speaker 1: the ceremonies, plus six gigantic ones thirty prawns. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1: The documentary Spiracy is about you. What the fuck man,
Speaker 1: our oceans are being to fleted. You're part of the
Speaker 1: problem in I'm but we were laughing Zard because he
Speaker 1: would like double hit. You know how sometimes people get
Speaker 1: like two drinks for someone and they'll put like two
Speaker 1: like like you know, like champagne glasses, because that's what
Speaker 1: they were in. Was like kind of not champagne but
Speaker 1: like um margarite and glasses. So he was told it's
Speaker 1: like a waiter going, but he had two in each
Speaker 1: inn and he kept pretending that he had a friend. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: the only thing I could eat there was this slaw
Speaker 1: is like mango cuga for slaw, and I was holding
Speaker 1: down our seats, and I was like, I could really
Speaker 1: go for some more slaw. Ian goes to go get
Speaker 1: some more food, brings back, No, Slaw brings back twenty
Speaker 1: five shrimps. It was so funny. Oh my god, like
Speaker 1: did you he posted a picture and the damn him
Speaker 1: on the toilet. He sends it to me being like,
Speaker 1: is that after we've I've sent him all these getty
Speaker 1: images of us looking like so dapper as fuck on
Speaker 1: the red carpet. By the way, he did get to
Speaker 1: walk in the end. It was awesome and they were
Speaker 1: like and we had such a good time doing that.
Speaker 1: They the photographers loved you, like there was listen, you know,
Speaker 1: this was all like um group of photos just you
Speaker 1: go over here, over here. But they were like they
Speaker 1: were cracking up at us. It was like I felt
Speaker 1: like we were doing our pitch for like our sitcom,
Speaker 1: you know, like what the posters would be. Yeah, Yanni
Speaker 1: and Laurel. Oh my god, holy Yanni. Um I was
Speaker 1: using I was using my cane as a guitar, yes,
Speaker 1: and then like spinning around and and you know how,
Speaker 1: you know how when on the Red Garbet when they
Speaker 1: go who are you wearing? Where'd you get your suit.
Speaker 1: I just would have got They were going, where'd you
Speaker 1: get the cane? I would tell us about the cane? Where, Well,
Speaker 1: it's a it's a pippie cane. I got it from
Speaker 1: Georgetown back. If you see on Getty Image there is
Speaker 1: a close up of Ian's cane. They just did a
Speaker 1: real close up of the pipe. Okay, yes, because sometimes
Speaker 1: they do that on there's one on my like bracelet,
Speaker 1: there's one of my shoes. But there's there's cane heerbs
Speaker 1: out there. Wait, let's talk about when you went up
Speaker 1: to go have a cigarette after we did the Red
Speaker 1: carpet and there were complete there were so many fans
Speaker 1: out there waiting for the rivals celebrities. And I thought
Speaker 1: we were just going out because I was just joining
Speaker 1: him for his post carpet sig and there were like
Speaker 1: a ton of people being like Nicki, NICKI, come take
Speaker 1: a picture. It was all these like cute fans and
Speaker 1: like they're just comedy fans, and they they were they
Speaker 1: were waiting for Anniston, but they were throwing me a bone.
Speaker 1: But then there was one group of guys yep that
Speaker 1: go Ian finance, and I was like hell yeah, and
Speaker 1: they knew Ian, and so then Ian goes and have
Speaker 1: a cigarette, and then on the way back in, Ian
Speaker 1: was like, I'm gonna go give some love to this
Speaker 1: guy over here that shouted because they're behind a barricade
Speaker 1: and they're kind of like quarantined off. So Ian's like,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go over to get to allow them to
Speaker 1: take a picture with me because they were excited to
Speaker 1: see him, which is the right thing to do. So
Speaker 1: what happened Ian, Well, so I just I did. You
Speaker 1: could go straight into the building, or you could go
Speaker 1: this way and over to be around the people in
Speaker 1: the barry. You're gonna give them a you know, I
Speaker 1: was gonna do some selfies. You know, the people want
Speaker 1: to be you know, it makes people feel good. So
Speaker 1: I went over and I see all of them looking
Speaker 1: at me, and now I'm headed into the building and
Speaker 1: behind us is the red carpet where the limos and
Speaker 1: the expedition show up. So I go over and they're
Speaker 1: all looking at me, and I wave and these this
Speaker 1: is a group of people that were going to eat
Speaker 1: and Ian finance. So I'm like, oh, oh please please,
Speaker 1: and they go there he is and I go, hey, guys,
Speaker 1: and um, they completely ignored me, and we're looking at
Speaker 1: the person who arrived by Ian was like, here, I am,
Speaker 1: and they were like they were like, no more. And
Speaker 1: that is exactly why I wanted to get the funk
Speaker 1: out of there, because I knew famous people were gonna
Speaker 1: roll up and we were gonna feel small as fuck.
Speaker 1: But we were the only people there at the time,
Speaker 1: so they were like so excited for us. Um. And
Speaker 1: then we went into the event and we watched it
Speaker 1: and it was so freaking good. We were like, you know,
Speaker 1: feet away, we were fifth row. We got to see
Speaker 1: Chris Rock, Conan O'Brien, Um, Rob Snyder, U, Ben Stiller,
Speaker 1: Still Stu Aniston, Drew Barrymore Yeah, um and and and
Speaker 1: many more. I think we're missing his mom. Adam's mom
Speaker 1: did a thing. Adam's wife did a thing. I mean
Speaker 1: it just if you want to feel bad about your relationship,
Speaker 1: and like Adina Menzel adelmot nazim As, John Vulture calls,
Speaker 1: if I do want to say, if you want to
Speaker 1: feel bad about your own relationship, listen to the love
Speaker 1: story of Adam and his wife on the Mark Twain
Speaker 1: Prize Award for Humor on Sunday Night, like it is
Speaker 1: like I was just sitting there and even after the show,
Speaker 1: I asked a few other people like, were you comparing
Speaker 1: your own relationship to theirs, And everyone's like yes, And
Speaker 1: it was like, oh god, it's like watching a rom
Speaker 1: com where you're just like, now you know where he
Speaker 1: kind of like gets the um what are you using? Oh,
Speaker 1: he's eating kale bites? Or then did you get kale bites? No?
Speaker 1: I got egg white and roasted red pepper bites. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: those are good. Those are good. My my my screen
Speaker 1: is frozen. You guys are frozen. So you think that
Speaker 1: you're a frozen two? Yes? Right, I know what's going
Speaker 1: through your head. Ian is he's starving. Ian's like a child,
Speaker 1: you know how Like children if they can't see you,
Speaker 1: they think you can't see them when they hide, like
Speaker 1: they'll hide behind like a tree. So it's like but
Speaker 1: you can see them totally. So Ian didn't whatever, but
Speaker 1: we were laughing. Sword. I want to throw myself under
Speaker 1: the bus a little bit because Ian, you caught this
Speaker 1: moment and we never talked about it before. Remember when
Speaker 1: I was trying to get us in the vip lound
Speaker 1: and there was that guy I was trying to fight,
Speaker 1: and I don't, dude, it wasn't racist. I want to
Speaker 1: say what I did wasn't. I don't remember what people
Speaker 1: look like. So I met this guy initially who was
Speaker 1: like area, and I go, let me go get my friends.
Speaker 1: I go get my friends. I come back and he's
Speaker 1: not there anymore. But there was a guy that was
Speaker 1: like there when this guy told me that, and I go,
Speaker 1: where's that guy that just told me he can get
Speaker 1: me in the VIP area? And he's like, and that
Speaker 1: guy's a bestie. By the way, Um, I forget his name,
Speaker 1: but he is probably listening to this. Bob was his name, Bob, Yeah,
Speaker 1: shut up, shout out. Really good job remembering it. He
Speaker 1: hung at the VIP party, was very nice. I really
Speaker 1: enjoyed talking to him, and um, I was so sorry
Speaker 1: this happened. But he went away and I couldn't fight.
Speaker 1: But I didn't remember, Like I just I'm not good
Speaker 1: with faces. And it sometimes gets misconstrued as racism because
Speaker 1: it's just like, so I go, there was a guy
Speaker 1: that was right here. He goes, oh, yeah, he's coming,
Speaker 1: he's coming back. So he radioed him. He's like, he's
Speaker 1: coming back and in my mind, I was like, I
Speaker 1: think he was like a black guy. I don't really remember,
Speaker 1: Like it just didn't stick. So then I see this
Speaker 1: black guy coming down the way and I go, oh,
Speaker 1: there he is, and I'm like, wave at this guy.
Speaker 1: It's not him, okay, not at all. And then the
Speaker 1: guy shows up and what is he in? And I go,
Speaker 1: is that racist? I think they ever? Like it's I
Speaker 1: think all brown people look alike a barely, but it's
Speaker 1: not that. It just it didn't. That's how much I
Speaker 1: don't care about racist that I don't. It doesn't even
Speaker 1: go in my head that he's a Could that be it?
Speaker 1: Or is it? I mean I kind of think, yes,
Speaker 1: they well I just don't. I'm not kidding. Yes, they
Speaker 1: were dressed alike because they were part of the staff,
Speaker 1: so everybody was in the same thing. And on top
Speaker 1: of it, most of the time every staff member was
Speaker 1: wearing asks, so you couldn't like see ship. Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: totally on your team. I mean, I thought it was
Speaker 1: fucked up when you saw the guy and you go, oh,
Speaker 1: that's right, that one's riding a magic carpet. I was like,
Speaker 1: that's a bit much. But I just think it's hilarious
Speaker 1: that I it wasn't like I just I just saw,
Speaker 1: like I just remember I met him, and I think
Speaker 1: my mind must have gone he does have darker skin tone.
Speaker 1: It wasn't I was so urgent your head. It's it's
Speaker 1: the same thing that was in my head about I
Speaker 1: wouldn't admit it. I wouldn't admit it on this podcast.
Speaker 1: There was nothing about me that was like I think
Speaker 1: he's less then, or I see them all as the same.
Speaker 1: It was just funny to me that it's not like
Speaker 1: I misconstrue two black people, because whenever that happens, I
Speaker 1: beat myself up so much. One time I tipped a
Speaker 1: girl hundred bucks. I was not helping at all. I
Speaker 1: thought her one hundred dollars. After the show, and everyone
Speaker 1: was like, this happens to me with white people. To it,
Speaker 1: Maybe it doesn't because I'm maybe more familiar with because
Speaker 1: I'm surrounded by the more. I don't know, maybe I
Speaker 1: do have a subconscious uh, Like, it's not like I
Speaker 1: think they're less than because I can't always it doesn't.
Speaker 1: Whatever it is, I'm not meaning to do this, and
Speaker 1: I think that there's something to be said for me
Speaker 1: admitting that sometimes I fuck up, but I did. One
Speaker 1: time at the DC improv Tom Takar witnessed me give
Speaker 1: a girl who from behind looked exactly like this other
Speaker 1: girl then the same hairstyle, and I go, hey, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for this weekend, and I gave her
Speaker 1: a crisp under dollar bill. She did not one time
Speaker 1: come by our green room. She was not our green
Speaker 1: room girl, so that I had to. So then we
Speaker 1: were walking by black people in the street. He's like,
Speaker 1: you want to give him und like just to be safe,
Speaker 1: and I was like, but you know what, that's that's
Speaker 1: my reparations for being such a piece of shit. I
Speaker 1: pay people, you know. But I felt but Ian caught it,
Speaker 1: and I get so embarrassed when I get caught being
Speaker 1: maybe racist, I get so embarrassed, and not that that's like,
Speaker 1: don't feel sorry, but I just get um, I get
Speaker 1: really insecure, like am I do I need to correct this?
Speaker 1: But it was just it's like I can't help that
Speaker 1: I don't really look at faces sometimes, or I can't
Speaker 1: help that even maybe I do have that sort of
Speaker 1: like confusion because I didn't grow around up around black
Speaker 1: people as much so and I feel like black people
Speaker 1: and um Asian people feel the same way about white people.
Speaker 1: A lot of times I've heard that they also think
Speaker 1: we all look alike? Is that true? Not that I'm
Speaker 1: saying that I think they all do. I gotta ask,
Speaker 1: do you think all white people ever? Like do you
Speaker 1: think some white people look alike? Ever? Do you get
Speaker 1: a confused? What did he say? Did you say? He
Speaker 1: said not really? But he was no? But is he
Speaker 1: is he Asian American? Like? Did he grow up in America?
Speaker 1: And like, so he's been surrounded by white people forever?
Speaker 1: I'm saying, like, I'm not surrounded by Asian people all
Speaker 1: the time. I'm not, Like I haven't been exposed enough.
Speaker 1: And that's my fault. I gotta put myself in more situations,
Speaker 1: that's the problem. Yeah, you know. Um, so thank you
Speaker 1: for doing that case study. You gotta get to your podcast.
Speaker 1: Uh yeah, all right, Well we gotta go to break anyway,
Speaker 1: we'll say goodbye, thank you. Is there anything you would
Speaker 1: like to leave us with before we leave? Any other
Speaker 1: final Um? Do you want to call me out for
Speaker 1: any hilarious things? I mean, I called you out many times? No, No,
Speaker 1: I'm I'm a good person. And so I just want
Speaker 1: to say, you know, life is like a party you're
Speaker 1: not invited to, You're not there for a long time,
Speaker 1: and while you're there, eat up all the shrips. Okay,
Speaker 1: be and Ian with Jordan Padreon dot com slashing Ian
Speaker 1: pod Nick. I love you. I couldn't have had a
Speaker 1: better You are such a good day. I love you
Speaker 1: and and and honestly, man, I am such a diehard
Speaker 1: sale Oh my god, you went and saw Jack and
Speaker 1: Jill in the theaters twice, so he was like, it
Speaker 1: was the perfect person. Jack and Jill in theaters twice.
Speaker 1: I've seen the Cobbler three times. Like, I don't even
Speaker 1: know what the Sandler shaped who I am as a
Speaker 1: person with comedy, how I view my friendships, how I
Speaker 1: view uh, just treating people. He's his ability to be
Speaker 1: sincere and funny and cute and heartfelt but also silly,
Speaker 1: like really shaped my ethos with comedy. So to be
Speaker 1: there for that was awesome. It was such it was
Speaker 1: such a surreal, wonderful moment. I can't thank you enough
Speaker 1: for inviting me, giving me the pep talk. I love you,
Speaker 1: and I love and Noah. I wish you all the
Speaker 1: shrimps and um, you know, I just hope one day
Speaker 1: you guys will stop being racist. Anyway. Uh, okay, let's
Speaker 1: go to break and come back with more and we're
Speaker 1: gonna read it up. All right, we're back. Ian Is
Speaker 1: now is no longer with us. And did he die
Speaker 1: from your mouth? Um? No? Uh? God love him? What?
Speaker 1: What an insane person? And he's the best kind option.
Speaker 1: It's so kind, so fun to be around. Just a hoot.
Speaker 1: Um has so much anxiety that you were not allowed
Speaker 1: to have any So it's like it was so he
Speaker 1: was such a bundle of nerves that it was like
Speaker 1: it calmed me down, which is a good maybe a
Speaker 1: good device. Just you know, it's interesting to hear you
Speaker 1: are so nurturing and like it's okay calming his restless
Speaker 1: leg and oh yeah, because he kept his leg was
Speaker 1: jumping and the whole row would shake and it's really annoying.
Speaker 1: Like have you ever been in a seat that's attached
Speaker 1: to someone who's shaking their leg? Like yes, remember the
Speaker 1: guy on the plane that I was too scared to
Speaker 1: talk to him because he was drinking all those whiskeys
Speaker 1: in a row and then he was adeptivty Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: too scary. That was I. I advised you not to
Speaker 1: do anything, but I just was gently like putting my
Speaker 1: hand on Ean's leg and he go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: and I'm like no, no, no, no, no, it's okay.
Speaker 1: I'm just letting you be aware of it, like because
Speaker 1: it would start up right again, like he was a
Speaker 1: dog falling off other people's plates. Yeah, he's just trying
Speaker 1: to loosen up some prawns. Um So, any any news
Speaker 1: from your world this weekend? Anya? Um? Any highlights? Any highlights?
Speaker 1: Mad is back. He was at south By Southwest with
Speaker 1: his band, The Natural Lines. So the end of my
Speaker 1: time alone happened. It's over. Oh yeah, you were alone
Speaker 1: for like five days alone. Yeah. But he's home and
Speaker 1: it's nice to have him back, and you know, just
Speaker 1: seems Yeah, it's great to have him. It's great to
Speaker 1: be reunited. I don't have a boyfriend right now. It's um.
Speaker 1: People keep going like house Chris and I go, we
Speaker 1: eve an arrangement now when he is on these jobs,
Speaker 1: I tell him, you don't need to worry about me
Speaker 1: at all. If you want to text me and reach out,
Speaker 1: you can, But like, I don't even want to reach
Speaker 1: out to you, because I know so many people are
Speaker 1: like I know, his texts are just flooded, and he's
Speaker 1: not getting back to anyone because he's so in the
Speaker 1: tunnel of work that I don't even want to add
Speaker 1: to it by being like, good night, babe. So it's
Speaker 1: just like he's on the show alone, like he's he's
Speaker 1: out in the wilderness. I don't even weird. We're not
Speaker 1: to like I. You know, it's like that Taylor Stift song.
Speaker 1: It's like when they asked me if I have a boyfriend,
Speaker 1: I can still say I don't remember. People were like,
Speaker 1: how's your boyfriend. I'm like, I, oh, I have one.
Speaker 1: I don't remember. Like I had a little break. It's
Speaker 1: not like I was like doing anything during that time.
Speaker 1: I was like not a single lady, but I didn't
Speaker 1: have to worry about a relationship whatsoever. And he also
Speaker 1: because in the past we've gone through these times and
Speaker 1: it's like he has to steal away and put in
Speaker 1: more effort. I just like to give him, and he
Speaker 1: the same for me, like he always gives me the
Speaker 1: benefit when I'm going through like a special taping or
Speaker 1: like a really hard week of work that I don't
Speaker 1: have to be girlfriend. I don't need to be like
Speaker 1: checking in on him like anything that will like cloud
Speaker 1: this myopic line of tunnel vision towards the end of
Speaker 1: this show that you're doing you don't need in your life.
Speaker 1: So it was really nice to give him that and
Speaker 1: to both understand each other and be like because he
Speaker 1: did the breeding and the Beast live in November, and
Speaker 1: I was a little bit like, you weren't around owned
Speaker 1: a lot murmurmur, and so this time I was like,
Speaker 1: I promise, I'm not going to pull that shit. There's
Speaker 1: no way I'm even if I do, I'm not going
Speaker 1: to let you know like you I don't have a
Speaker 1: right too because I'm giving you the license to like.
Speaker 1: You don't have to. We're not this. I'm dating someone
Speaker 1: who cannot give me anything during those weeks. And if
Speaker 1: even if you wanted to, I wouldn't want you to
Speaker 1: because I want you to get rusted. I don't need
Speaker 1: you to call me. I'd rather you be sleeping during
Speaker 1: those times. Take care of yourself. So yeah, at last week,
Speaker 1: because I was proud of myself because this is the
Speaker 1: first relationship I've ever been in where it's secure and
Speaker 1: the guy is like communicating with me plenty, and I'm
Speaker 1: you know, I don't have the need to feel anxious
Speaker 1: or jealous or anything. I'm just like, I'm good, I'm
Speaker 1: happy alone. He's texting me throughout the day. We're connected.
Speaker 1: It's nice, you know, not a lot, just like how
Speaker 1: how are you? But then the last day, something weird
Speaker 1: happened because my last big relationship, which was as we
Speaker 1: all know, decades ago, that person would go on tour
Speaker 1: and then I would find out later all these horrible
Speaker 1: things happened like years later, years later, or even something
Speaker 1: like one time. I remember I flew to New Zealand
Speaker 1: and then he came off the tour bus and I
Speaker 1: saw him like walking with all the very beginning of
Speaker 1: your dating right like barely made it official. Maybe you
Speaker 1: hadn't made it official, but you thought it was. I
Speaker 1: think we had been dating six weeks and I had
Speaker 1: just maybe moved in with him, very it was very rash,
Speaker 1: it's real, but I hadn't talked to him in a while. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I fly all the way to New Zealand from San Diego,
Speaker 1: was like nineteen hours all in, and he's getting off
Speaker 1: the bus and I see him, and he's all disheveled
Speaker 1: and then like he sits down and and I like
Speaker 1: my gut went off like red alert, and I was like,
Speaker 1: you didn't, like nothing bad happened. Did it last night
Speaker 1: or something? And he was like, I mean, I'm a guy.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna kiss other girls. And I remember like, fuck,
Speaker 1: this is not the relationship I thought it was. This
Speaker 1: is not this is a bad scene. You have to
Speaker 1: get out of this. And I was so exhausted after
Speaker 1: that nineteen now word traveled. I just remember thinking like,
Speaker 1: this is the moment where you set the scene for
Speaker 1: what you will. Yes, yes, And I just remember being like,
Speaker 1: you're a guy. You're a guy, You're gonna kiss other girls.
Speaker 1: So you kissed other girls? And he was like, I mean, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm a guy. I don't want to talk about it.
Speaker 1: I'm tired. And I just remember like I stayed because
Speaker 1: I thought I was looking at my suitcase and like
Speaker 1: I should just get on the plane and fly home.
Speaker 1: This is bullshit, and I'm like I'm just too tired.
Speaker 1: And it was like a fancy tour. It was like
Speaker 1: a four seasons hotel, speaking of four seasons, and I
Speaker 1: just stayed for six years. How many times in relationships
Speaker 1: have there's been that moment where whether it's like they
Speaker 1: cheat on you or they just say something really shitty
Speaker 1: or like, and you have that chance of like, I
Speaker 1: could get out now and say I don't tolerate this,
Speaker 1: but I'm sorry. There's something about when you tolerate it
Speaker 1: that you kind of give them the green light to like, yeah,
Speaker 1: treat me like shit, and then they don't respect you
Speaker 1: because they just gave you a little test and you
Speaker 1: failed it by being weak and like, but all that's why.
Speaker 1: There's like this girl and our group of friends, a
Speaker 1: friend of a friend of a friend, and she is
Speaker 1: like dating a new guy and it's getting to the
Speaker 1: point where they might sleep together and there's nothing official
Speaker 1: on the table, and she's like, didn't sleep with them yet.
Speaker 1: They've only hooked up one time. They did hanky panky,
Speaker 1: but nothing suit like, no sex, and she's like, I'll
Speaker 1: probably sleep with them next time. And I don't even
Speaker 1: know this girl, And I'm telling my friend tell her
Speaker 1: not to fuck him, please God, for the love of God,
Speaker 1: she really likes him, she feels like she could be
Speaker 1: falling in love with him. For the love of God.
Speaker 1: Fight every instinct you have, and do not sleep with him.
Speaker 1: Don't convince yourself that, no, this one's gonna be different.
Speaker 1: He's not going to respect you more after you sleep
Speaker 1: with him and you have not talked about being exclusive.
Speaker 1: He's gonna think you do this. He's gonna subconsciously think
Speaker 1: you do this with every guy, that you're kind of easy,
Speaker 1: and he's gonna value you less. And I know that
Speaker 1: they come off like an encouragement to play a game.
Speaker 1: It is not not to speak for you, Nikki, but
Speaker 1: this is not like don't fuck him in order to
Speaker 1: get x Y, play Monopoly or sorry, or just anything
Speaker 1: to keep him from your dick in his dick inside you,
Speaker 1: because after the dicks inside you, the game is up. Man.
Speaker 1: It's more like, listen to your true gut feeling. Is
Speaker 1: it that you're dying to have sex with him so
Speaker 1: much and you can't wait, or is it that you're
Speaker 1: terrified that you'll lose him if you don't have sex
Speaker 1: with him? Right, I'll tell you. For me, it was
Speaker 1: always the terrified I'll lose him, he'll lose interest, And
Speaker 1: I'd convince myself, no, no, no, I'm just really horny.
Speaker 1: No no, no, I wasn't really horny. I mean, of
Speaker 1: course it was exciting and I was horny, but yes,
Speaker 1: it was also just like I want him to be
Speaker 1: my boyfriend. And if like your joke or you're like,
Speaker 1: we women think if we give you things, you'll like us,
Speaker 1: so we like this same give you stuff like, oh
Speaker 1: he wants this, he'll be mad at me if I
Speaker 1: don't get it, and then he won't like me anymore.
Speaker 1: And it is. It's that works for almost everything except actually,
Speaker 1: don't give him gifts. That's another rule in that book.
Speaker 1: Not a rule, but like, don't give them gifts. They
Speaker 1: don't they want to win you over. And but we're
Speaker 1: so used to being people pleasers that we cannot put
Speaker 1: that aside in relationships, and we think that we can.
Speaker 1: Like remember when you were like going to buy that
Speaker 1: guy a rug that you didn't that didn't like like
Speaker 1: he was not, and you were like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I wish I had that cool, but you know what,
Speaker 1: I bought myself one from the same store. It's right
Speaker 1: here and it's good, but you could have two. I know.
Speaker 1: It was bigger than this, And there was a part
Speaker 1: of you that was like, he's gonna feel nurtured, like
Speaker 1: did you make him cookies at one point too or
Speaker 1: was that a different guy? A lot? Let let me stress,
Speaker 1: not gift from so long ago, like three years. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and Madden, you are not together because of any of this.
Speaker 1: There's no you never gave Matt a gift, and when
Speaker 1: you did, you guys were not together because you tried
Speaker 1: some of this with Matt and it did not work,
Speaker 1: and you guys were not together. Actively nothing worked with
Speaker 1: my current relationship until I finally started to truly love
Speaker 1: and respect myself. And sounds like a cliche, but yeah,
Speaker 1: to be like, no, I what I really want, if
Speaker 1: I'm honest, is a relationship. Yeah, that's what I really
Speaker 1: of course I want to have sex with them, and
Speaker 1: all that stuff like what I really want gets in
Speaker 1: their heads is they're like, but I want sex. I
Speaker 1: love sex, and I deserve it. I'm not going to
Speaker 1: deprive myself. And it's like, you don't know what you're doing.
Speaker 1: You can lie to yourself all day about how sex
Speaker 1: feels good, go fucking masturbate. Then you want to have
Speaker 1: sex because you think they're gonna like you more after it,
Speaker 1: and also you do want to have it too, But
Speaker 1: just because you want something does not mean and I've
Speaker 1: said this in my special before, people like predicate their
Speaker 1: whole lives and their whole personalities. I like because I
Speaker 1: want it. It's like I want, I want why I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna I want to have some of them because
Speaker 1: I want to because it feels good. I can't be
Speaker 1: vegan because I like Jeee and I like me. It's like, well,
Speaker 1: I would also like to murder someone sometimes. There are
Speaker 1: times where I would like to drive up on the
Speaker 1: sidewalk and run over someone, just to see how it
Speaker 1: feels on my car, hitting the car and like going
Speaker 1: It would literally soothe me to sometimes and in public
Speaker 1: slap a child that's crying or just go shut the
Speaker 1: fuck up, you're a bad parent. I would love to
Speaker 1: do it, but I don't because it doesn't work for
Speaker 1: my life. So these things that always feel good to us,
Speaker 1: why do we get to do whatever we want and
Speaker 1: when it suits us? There's always an excuse of like,
Speaker 1: but I want to because you know what, that's the
Speaker 1: fucking paradox of being a person. And we talked about
Speaker 1: this before, of like you're supposed to like nurture yourself
Speaker 1: and be good to yourself and relax and self care.
Speaker 1: But then there's also that like you gotta never quit
Speaker 1: in the middle, drive till the end, work hard, passion,
Speaker 1: like struggle. There's like we get mixed messaging all the
Speaker 1: fucking time, so I don't even know what you should do.
Speaker 1: I'm full mixed messages myself, but I will convince ourselves that, like,
Speaker 1: if we have sex with them, then they'll be my boyfriend.
Speaker 1: And it's so unfortunately it never happens. There's always one
Speaker 1: girl where we slept together on the first night. Well,
Speaker 1: that's because your boyfriend likes women who do that. You
Speaker 1: he has a mom that was kind of like ballsy
Speaker 1: and crazy and kooky, and that work. Like it's rare
Speaker 1: that that happens. It's like one person out of every
Speaker 1: audience that I go, have you ever slept with a
Speaker 1: guy in the first night, Like there's always one girl
Speaker 1: that's like I slept with my husband on the first night.
Speaker 1: It's like, okay, So yes, there are anomalies, but by
Speaker 1: and large, if you're single now and you've been sleeping
Speaker 1: with guys on the first date or second date or
Speaker 1: third date or before you have a relationship and you're single,
Speaker 1: it has not worked for you yet. It hasn't worked
Speaker 1: for you yet, it hasn't led to a lasting relationship.
Speaker 1: That because I'm thinking you won a lasting relationship. So
Speaker 1: look at the data that you have and it's a
Speaker 1: it's hard, it's a hard swallow that say that. Okay,
Speaker 1: final thought, let's do a quick a couple quick Reddit
Speaker 1: dumps karaoke mode. This is your Reddit dump. Okay, so
Speaker 1: this is to me. I r L for me, I
Speaker 1: r L to me in real life. For me, in
Speaker 1: real life, it says dudes will make zero moves on
Speaker 1: their crush and then proceed to post this and then
Speaker 1: it's like this moody post of like this like anime
Speaker 1: character smoking a cigarette and it just says, maybe I'm
Speaker 1: meant to be lonely. It's like maybe laugh so hard
Speaker 1: because we've all done things like this. This isn't just
Speaker 1: a dude thing. But like you, I would always get
Speaker 1: so upset that guys didn't like me or like wouldn't
Speaker 1: make a move. I mean I would get mad at
Speaker 1: guys that wouldn't make a move but they had I
Speaker 1: was giving them no indication that it would be okay
Speaker 1: to make a move. But also, you can't get upset
Speaker 1: when you get rejected, when you have not taken, when
Speaker 1: you haven't put yourself out there, when you haven't accepted
Speaker 1: the invite to the Mark Twain Prize Award. You can't
Speaker 1: aunt like you can't live in the wreckage of a
Speaker 1: thing you didn't even do yet, like you gotta take chances.
Speaker 1: Would you ever do, Adam Sandler? I would? I would.
Speaker 1: I was always making the first move always, which is
Speaker 1: a bad which is not a good noise to women
Speaker 1: for women to do women, you're supposed to make a
Speaker 1: prolonged eye contact, touched them a lot, like give indicators
Speaker 1: of interest, which I would never do. But there are
Speaker 1: things women can do to get men to make a move.
Speaker 1: But men, you got you gotta just go like can
Speaker 1: I kiss you right now? Just ask that? And I
Speaker 1: know that's awkward, and um. Adam Sandler actually there was
Speaker 1: an old clip from his stand up early days last
Speaker 1: night and he was like, just ask her. He got
Speaker 1: advice from his dad. He's like, just to ask her out.
Speaker 1: What's the worst. The worst she can say is no,
Speaker 1: And she was like, get away from you, ugly freak,
Speaker 1: And he goes, hey, you just you didn't follow the rules,
Speaker 1: or he says something about like the worst she could
Speaker 1: do is not no, it could be like very hurtful,
Speaker 1: and that's the thing everyone's scared of. Okay, this is
Speaker 1: from me I R l Um. It's a tweet from
Speaker 1: Culture Cultural Savage. Um. I just saw someone saying you
Speaker 1: didn't make good choices, you had good choices, and I
Speaker 1: am completely floored. I mean, what a great way to
Speaker 1: talk about privilege. You didn't make good choices. You had
Speaker 1: good choices, which is like how I feel about everyone
Speaker 1: that has anything in the world that you want. It's
Speaker 1: not because they were better than you and made better
Speaker 1: choices in life. They had better choices. You were born
Speaker 1: with shittier parents than them. You were born in a
Speaker 1: shittier town than them. You were born in a socioeconomic
Speaker 1: era or time that didn't afford you to have the
Speaker 1: same opportunities. Don't compare yourself to others because it generally
Speaker 1: is just about the fucking pussy you came out of
Speaker 1: and the circumstances. Nothing You yourself are flawed and are
Speaker 1: doing wrong. I have a friend I need to send
Speaker 1: that to. Okay, this is a word of the day.
Speaker 1: This is a tweet from Susie Underscore Dent. Word of
Speaker 1: the day is latibulate lat ibu l at seventeenth century
Speaker 1: to hide in a corner in an attempt to escape reality.
Speaker 1: And then someone said, okay, well we're bringing that back obviously,
Speaker 1: the hide in the corner and attempt to escape reality.
Speaker 1: I mean, I've never done that before, but um, I
Speaker 1: think I kind of wanted to do it last night
Speaker 1: at times. Um. And then this is if you're doing
Speaker 1: it under the covers. I do that every day. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you do under the covers a lot. Um. What is that?
Speaker 1: My arms get cold and I just don't want them cold.
Speaker 1: But sometimes I just brought my phone up on a
Speaker 1: pillow and then I put them under the covers and
Speaker 1: then my head is out. I don't like my head
Speaker 1: to get hot. Yeah, I have to air it out
Speaker 1: a lot. But I like to be in my clothes.
Speaker 1: And then I get on top of the bed. But
Speaker 1: then there's another cover that's very light. Oh you don't
Speaker 1: go in the bed itself because it's a cave. Okay,
Speaker 1: all right, it feels so soothing. Try it. I'm not
Speaker 1: going to. But um, because I just get up straight
Speaker 1: up in bed, I'll get in like why I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't need to not get in bed, But why
Speaker 1: do you not get in bed because you don't want
Speaker 1: to mess up your covers? I do it both, like
Speaker 1: when I'm when it's nighttime and I'm ready to sleep,
Speaker 1: I do it. But it gets until he's earned it,
Speaker 1: until you made a work for it, until you have
Speaker 1: a lasting relationship based on honestine truth with your bed. Okay,
Speaker 1: today I learned. This is today I learned. Cute aggression,
Speaker 1: or the urge to squeeze cute animals or babies, is
Speaker 1: the brain's coping mechanism to temper the onslaught of positive feelings.
Speaker 1: Because if you find yourself incapacitated by how cute a
Speaker 1: baby is, so much so that you simply can't take
Speaker 1: care of it, that baby is going to starve. So
Speaker 1: if you we have that, we want to eat babies
Speaker 1: because it means that we want to get close to them,
Speaker 1: and that urge is better than something so cute. We
Speaker 1: don't want to touch it and mess it up. We
Speaker 1: have more of an urge to squeeze it. So because
Speaker 1: if something was too cute, we'd be like, oh, I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna I'm gonna ruin it and mess it up,
Speaker 1: and like, I don't want to mess up this perfectly
Speaker 1: pristine baby. So evolutionarily we want to like hold things
Speaker 1: and smother it so that they get more hands on. Well,
Speaker 1: this ruin of something you post on Instagram a little
Speaker 1: while back, and I related to it so much because
Speaker 1: I feel this way about my cat Buzzy. And a
Speaker 1: couple of months ago, or like like six months ago
Speaker 1: or so, you posted a video of Luigi on the
Speaker 1: balcony and you're like, he's so fucking cute. I just
Speaker 1: want to murder him. Yes, And I just squeeze my
Speaker 1: cat to death because I love him so much. I know.
Speaker 1: Is it that's a biological urge? It's good, yes, because
Speaker 1: it makes us want to get close to them, as
Speaker 1: opposed to like, if you love something so much, you
Speaker 1: don't want to touch it because you don't want to
Speaker 1: mess it up. Okay, but do you ever want to
Speaker 1: squeeze your dog's paws because they're just so like sometimes
Speaker 1: I have to. I was doing it with a puppy
Speaker 1: the other day. I was like, oh yeah. Then I
Speaker 1: was like, calm down, Like this is a little to
Speaker 1: do much. I did it with Forest the other day.
Speaker 1: My nephew and was just like, oh, and I I
Speaker 1: could just feel it. It was like getting a little
Speaker 1: too tight. But I was like, I just gotta squeeze
Speaker 1: some baby juice out of you, Like I just want
Speaker 1: to make a glass and chug it. Oh God. So
Speaker 1: that was interesting that I think that there's a reason
Speaker 1: we do that, and it's just so that we won't
Speaker 1: leave babies alone and they get so much love and attention.
Speaker 1: And let me just say, if you are a parent
Speaker 1: out there, the number one advice I have if your baby,
Speaker 1: if you want your baby to be successful, shower them
Speaker 1: with confidence. Make them feel that no matter who they are,
Speaker 1: they can do whatever. Don't have any doubt in them ever,
Speaker 1: even if it's delusional, even if you know that they're
Speaker 1: not the best at something, Convince them they're the best
Speaker 1: at everything, and you will make a millionaire baby who
Speaker 1: will take care of you. And all the lack of
Speaker 1: self esteem that you have from your parents who did
Speaker 1: not counterintuitive to like the last generation, which everyone's raising
Speaker 1: kids that are now like you know, twelve thirteen fourteen,
Speaker 1: with the new values of like I'm not going to
Speaker 1: tell them they're so special all the time because that's bullshit.
Speaker 1: I'm going to just be realistic, like, that's great, you
Speaker 1: did a great job. So you're saying through the opposite, Oh,
Speaker 1: absolutely make your kid feel they have the potential to
Speaker 1: do anything that. Oh well, if if you're not good
Speaker 1: at that, it's just because you didn't practice enough. That
Speaker 1: is that's the secret. It's like instill in them the
Speaker 1: work ethic. But let them know that that is there,
Speaker 1: because that is actually true. You are capable of anything
Speaker 1: if you put in enough hours to it. And that
Speaker 1: is what I think I lacked in my life, was
Speaker 1: like you either have it or you don't. And the
Speaker 1: thing is anything could be gleaned from enough practice. And
Speaker 1: if kids are understand that and are instilled with that
Speaker 1: belief in themselves, they are unstoppable. And all of my
Speaker 1: friends who are the biggest megastars that you know, the
Speaker 1: biggest names, someone told them that they were the best
Speaker 1: and they believed it from the get go. And I
Speaker 1: sometimes have glimmers of it, but it's something I've had
Speaker 1: to teach myself as opposed to it was like just
Speaker 1: in me, I got it a little bit. But do
Speaker 1: your kids a favor and just believe in them. No
Speaker 1: matter what. And I'll never be a parent, so I
Speaker 1: can't do that with any kids, but like, if I
Speaker 1: can teach you how to parent, not that you would
Speaker 1: ever take my advice, but that is the number one
Speaker 1: thing that I would do if I were a parent.
Speaker 1: It's just make my child feel like they can do anything,
Speaker 1: and that the prettiest, and I would say prettiest Honestly,
Speaker 1: I know we're not supposed to comment on looks, strongest, prettiest,
Speaker 1: most beautiful, all of the things lie lie, lie, lie,
Speaker 1: and they will be Adam Sandlers levels of fame. No,
Speaker 1: And they're generous because but be loving to them. Teach
Speaker 1: them to love their family and love others, because that
Speaker 1: was the other thing I learned from Adam Sandler is
Speaker 1: that he loves his family and friends so much. He's
Speaker 1: put them in everything he does. He's his whole. He
Speaker 1: employs everyone he's ever worked with. And there were people
Speaker 1: there last night that I met that Adam knew in college,
Speaker 1: that they just were like friends in the dorm and
Speaker 1: like they're still friends, and he's like, Adam has still
Speaker 1: stayed in my life. He was like I never I
Speaker 1: went to all his comedy shows, but like I didn't
Speaker 1: go the comedy route, but he brought a lot of
Speaker 1: comedy people with them. But it's just it's just cool
Speaker 1: that Adam has kept it so in the family, and
Speaker 1: it's just it was all a really beautiful night about
Speaker 1: family and friends and speaking of so glad to have
Speaker 1: my two friends and doing this podcast today Antie and
Speaker 1: Finances too. He's you guys looked so happy and say
Speaker 1: on the Red carpet, I love those phos. That is
Speaker 1: always fun. That's like the happiest I've ever seen you
Speaker 1: on the Red carpet. It was. It was a little
Speaker 1: bit of a lie, but you know, you play it up.
Speaker 1: You're on the Red carpet. You're like, no, we're all
Speaker 1: crack it up. We had a great time. He was
Speaker 1: twirling that cane round and I was so happy for
Speaker 1: him because these getty images are so expensive, like these
Speaker 1: are not easy to get to get on the Red
Speaker 1: Carpet is not easy, and so when I got him
Speaker 1: on it, I mean even me getting on it was
Speaker 1: a struggle. Chris had to pull a lot of strings
Speaker 1: and then um, and it was just so great to
Speaker 1: get him on it. So now he has all these
Speaker 1: like glamorous pictures of himself and he looked fucking great
Speaker 1: And I'm so happy and that you gave him that
Speaker 1: pep talk. I mean that that's a very important time.
Speaker 1: I told him. Took up on it again, I said,
Speaker 1: because of what you're saying when you aren't as successful
Speaker 1: as you want to be. And I hear you bitching
Speaker 1: about it outside the cellar, sucking down to Marlborough red
Speaker 1: and talking about who got what you I will never
Speaker 1: listen to you say that again, because you were turning
Speaker 1: down this opportunity that could make you more successful. And um,
Speaker 1: and that's what you got to say, Like you can
Speaker 1: turn down these chances to be better and to get better,
Speaker 1: but you better not complain about it, because you made
Speaker 1: your own bed. But that's why you're a good friend.
Speaker 1: Is a lot of people with recourage to say that, though,
Speaker 1: why what do you mean? Because I think most people
Speaker 1: aren't brave enough to say that, I really do. I
Speaker 1: think that's what makes you a good friend. My friends.
Speaker 1: Good friends is because they can tolerate hearing the cold,
Speaker 1: hard truth and not think that it means I'm mad
Speaker 1: at them, Like what's going to happen? Like is he
Speaker 1: going to be mad? At me if I say that,
Speaker 1: what's bad about what I said? Like, what are you scared?
Speaker 1: Why wouldn't you say that to a friend? I'm sorry
Speaker 1: to get it. I don't necessarily feel that way, like
Speaker 1: I might be like if I got that text from him,
Speaker 1: I'd be like, oh, that's such a bummer. But okay,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, I was like, this is bullshit because he
Speaker 1: deserves to be there. I invited him and he's not
Speaker 1: going because he's scared. Stop doing things because you're scared.
Speaker 1: That is the number one thing. And if I could
Speaker 1: give any advice for people who didn't get a lot
Speaker 1: of encouragement thinking they were the best in the world.
Speaker 1: When you are scared of something, say yes to it.
Speaker 1: That that is the surest side that you should do it,
Speaker 1: and just suck it up. Because no one's ever died
Speaker 1: of embarrassment. No one's ever died from a feeling literally ever,
Speaker 1: it's never happened. A feeling of embarrassment or anxiety has
Speaker 1: never killed anyone. I know you're gonna be like a
Speaker 1: heart attack, You're not gonna have a fucking heart attack.
Speaker 1: Just say yes to things that scare you. I do
Speaker 1: it all the time, including telling a story when I
Speaker 1: mixed up an Indian guy and a black guy and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be okay. You might cancel me, but I
Speaker 1: home studio, I'm you're in Saint Louis. I'm gonna be fine,
Speaker 1: and I have my friends and family and that's what
Speaker 1: makes me rich in life. Thank you guys for listening
Speaker 1: to show dont Bika and Justice all the shriv